All language subtitles for But.Im.a.Cheerleader.(1999).eng

♪ Freemont pride,
be aggressive, drive, drive, drive ♪

♪ Freemont power, Freemont pride ♪

♪ Be aggressive, drive, drive, drive ♪

♪ Freemont power, Freemont pride ♪

♪ Be aggressive, drive, drive, drive ♪

♪ Go, Freemont! ♪

Hey, everybody, tomorrow after classes,

make sure that you have your uniforms
picked up from the dry cleaners,

because the bus for the playoffs

is going to leave at 7:30 AM.
The next morning, all right?

But the Doughnut Hole has agreed
to donate four dozen doughnuts.

Yeah.

Okay, we're going to kill the Rangers
this year, right?

Yeah!

I can't believe you're leaving.

It's just a couple of hours before you go.

Yeah, right... right.

Aren't you excited? It's playoffs!

Yeah. Whatever.

Come on!

I have to get home for dinner.

Please?

Well... all right.

That's some beef. Mm.

- And carrots.
- Yummy.

Thank you, mother.

- Thank you, poodle.
- Sure.

Grace.

Dear Lord, please bless this food
that we are about to eat.

We thank you for the abundance
that You have provided.

Please help us to follow Your path,

the one You intended us all to follow.

And Lord,

please help us to obey

the roles in life you set for us.

For all that is natural, and...

healthy...

and sacred.

In Your name we pray. Amen.

- Amen.
- Amen.

Let's eat.

Bye, dear.

Bye, dear.

Bye, dear.

See you later, sweetie--
I mean, tonight. See you tonight.

Don't forget
your library books by the door.

Got 'em. Bye.

- So... are we ready?
- They'll all be here at 3:00.

Jesus, I hope we're doing the right thing.

Shaker Hills, here we come.

And remember, 7:30's doughnuts.

- Did you talk to both her parents?
- She's coming.

Kill the Rangers.

Meet you outside.

Don't you hate it when they do that?

I think it's fun.

Maybe he just doesn't do it right.

- See ya.
- Bye.

Speed up, jerk!

Um, Jared, why are we going so slow?

Sorry. Zoning, I guess.

Mike, thanks so much for coming
all the way back out here again.

- Well, that's what we're here for.
- Thank you, Mike.

- Now you've watched the video?
- Over and over.

Come in.

The important thing
is to be clear and direct,

but to do it lovingly.

We're not accusing, we're supporting.

I think I hear the car.

Uh-oh, here they come.

Surprise!

What happened? Is somebody dead?

They're your favorite.

Now, why don't you just
come on in and sit down, honey?

- What's going on?
- Hi, Megan.

My name is Mike.

Your parents and your friends
want to have a conversation with you.

I'm here to help facilitate that dialogue.

So why don't we start by sitting down
and making ourselves comfortable?

How would that be?

Now, Peter,
would you like to start the conversation?

Megan, we love you.

We all love you.

And lately, we've become concerned

about certain... behaviors.

We're afraid you're being influenced

by a... way of thinking.
An unnatural--

Do you remember the woman on TV--

Honey, we think you're a...
lesbian.

Huh?

I, myself, was once a gay.

Now I'm an ex-gay, Megan.

I work for a place called True Directions,

who help people like yourself

learn to understand the reasons
behind homosexual tendencies.

And-- and how to heal them.

What tendencies?

Why would you think I'm a--

You've been trying
to make us eat this tofu.

In diet, watch for a switch
to vegetarianism.

You don't have any pictures of guys
in your locker, just these.

Mm-hmm.

And these.

Sexual, even vaginal motifs
in artwork and decorating,

gay iconography.

You don't even like to kiss me.

It's true.

I can't believe this.

Denial is a normal part
of the healing process

that we'll explore at True Directions.

Healing?

Like rehab, honey.
Uh, Homosexuals Anonymous.

Poodle, it's only for a few months.

There is no way I'm going.

Hmm?

Let's go.

Now.

Oh, wonderful!

Welcome, welcome, welcome.

I'm Mary. I'm the founder
of True Directions.

- And you must be Megan?
- Yes.

- This is my son, Rock.
- Hi.

- Pleasure to meet you, Megan.
- Thank you.

Looks like we got you just in time.

Uh, what are you? About 17?

Yes!

Almost lost her to college.

You know, it's so much harder

once they've been through
all that liberal arts brainwashing,

but we've saved a few.

I'll take her from here.

Well, come along.

We have a little welcome video
to start you up.

No one would've guessed what
would happen to this sweet little girl.

By a young age, Kelly had
a promising future.

Mommy's little helper,
then prom queen.

Kelly had hopes of being
a model one day.

That is, until she was recruited
into the homosexual lifestyle.

She made me do things with other women.

She drove me in the back of her Harley
like I was some show piece.

Even when she'd get high and push me off
the back of the bike,

I'd roll in the gutter... broken ribs...

I just kept
coming back for more.

Turn off the camera!

We never dreamed
this could happen to our little girl.

But Kelly sought help.

After just two months in True Directions'
easy, five step program,

Kelly rediscovered her femininity

and embraced her true self.

On March 16th, 1996,

Kelly was married.

The others arrived yesterday,
so why don't I catch you up?

It's a two-month program
based on five simple steps.

Why don't we concentrate
on the first step?

You admitting your problem.

When you see a woman in a tight skirt,

and her long... beautiful legs,

or perhaps, she's in the bathroom

putting lipstick over her full lips,

or maybe in the locker room,

soaping her body,

rubbing her breasts,

you don't have any unnatural thoughts?

I don't think it's unnatural.

Aha! You see?

You don't even think it's wrong.

Until you admit your sickness,
you will wear these.

You will earn the right to wear civvies
once you have admitted the first step.

It's a long path to righteousness, Megan.

And it's a battlefield
of temptation out there,

and you're going to have to fight.

Until then, I'd like you to meet
one of our other soldiers.

Hilary?

Megan, this is Hilary.

She will show you around.

And, well, you'll get acquainted.

Okay. Rise and shine at 7:00.

Breakfast at 8:00.
Group therapy until lunch.

Now in the afternoon,
we have free time to do, um...

you know, whatever.

And then we move inside
for reorientating exercises.

Family therapy on the weekends.

Hmm. You didn't miss much, really.

Oh.

This is where we sleep.

But there's
no inappropriate behavior allowed.

Inappropriate? Like swearing?

No, inappropriate like fucking.

Oh.

You get caught in the throes
of sodomy, and au revoir.

Well, never mind Graham.
She's a spoiled brat.

I read her chart.

Step one was easy,

admitting you're a homosexual?

See? We all passed... yesterday.

I'm a homosexual.

See how easy it is?

Megan, meet the rest of our group.

Hi, Megan. Uh, I'm Jan,

and I'm a softball player,
and I'm a homosexual.

I'm Sinead.

I like pain, I'm a homosexual.

I'm Joel. I'm a Jew...

and a... homosexual.

- We met.
- Graham!

I'm Graham, and I like girls a lot.

And, uh, I'm a homosexual.

Andre. Actor, dancer, homosexual.

Dolph, homosexual varsity wrestler.
How you doin'?

I'm Clayton Dunn. I work in retail.

I'm a homosexual.

It's time for your first disclosure,
and don't be intimidated.

Why don't you start by telling us
about the first time

that you realized
that you might be a lesbian?

I'm not.

Everyone just thinks I am.

I shouldn't even be here.

That's a perfectly normal place to start.

Why don't we discuss the issues
in your intervention?

Well...

I'm a vegetarian.

Mm-hmm.

I have pictures of women around.

You think that's normal?

Sure.

I never really thought about it.

Have you ever had a boyfriend?

Yes, for two years
we've been going steady.

I really love him.

He's smart and popular.

And he's got the biggest dick
I've never seen.

Well, um... have you ever
had sex with him?

I'm a Christian.

It's really easy to be a prude

when you're not attracted
to him, isn't it?

He's very handsome.

But does he make you hot?

I mean, do you think
of him at night when you...

I'm not perverted!

I get good grades, I go to church...

I'm a cheerleader!

I'm not like all of you.

Everyone reads Cosmo,

everyone looks at other girls
all the time.

But you only assume that they're thinking
what you're thinking when they look,

but they're not.

♪ Freemont power,
Freemont pride ♪

♪ Be aggressive, drive, drive, drive ♪

♪ Go, Freemont! ♪

I thought everybody had those thoughts.

I just want to be normal.

Then you admit you're not normal.

So why don't you admit
you're a homosexual?

You hug us way too much.

Step one was easy.

You don't even like to kiss me.

You put your hand up my skirt.

Homosexual... I think it's fun.

Homosexual, homosexual...

I'm a homosexual!

I'm a homosexual!

I'm a homosexual!

Congratulations, Megan.

You have just taken your first step

in your true direction.

I'm a homosex--

Okay.

- Go on now.
- Let's go. Bye, Megan.

Don't worry, Megan.

- It's going to be okay.
- No.

Here, put these on.

Oh, my God.

They were right.

I'm a homo.

Oh, my God.

Congratulations on your first step,
pompoms.

Don't listen to her.

She's just upset
'cause the fish on her plate

is the only kind she can eat.

I can't wait to be straight.
I've always wanted to be.

It's cool to finally talk about it,
you know?

I mean, I can't tell
any of my friends on the team.

Maybe you have the wrong friends.

I think we should all
be supporting each other.

Really, princess? Do you want
to start the Kumbayas?

Hi, Mom.

- Flowers are pretty.
- I know.

You know, I noticed that we sprung
another leak in the ceiling.

I'd like you to get to it tonight.

I'll get to it, Mom. Jesus!

Ow!

I'm sorry, I didn't mean it.

Look, not in my presence.

I have told you over and over again,
no more sipping!

Chug it like a man!

Go on! Chug!

There.

Try and get to that tonight.

Ugh!

Yeah.

Mm.

- It's all right. It's just me.
- Oh, fuck.

What are you doing?

A.V. What's it to ya?

A.V.? What's that?

Aversion therapy, stupid.

So what does that mean?

When you have inappropriate
fantasies about girls,

you shock yourself with this shocker.

So every time you think of them,
you feel that pain.

That's sick!

No pain, no gain, baby.

If you want to like dick,
you better start training yourself.

Hey, isn't that Graham's sock?

None of your damn business.

Megan, you have a phone call.

- Hello?
- Megan, it's Mom and Dad.

Oh, we know it's after lights out,
but we just miss you so much.

We just wanted to know
how our little poodle is doing.

I'm doing okay. You were right.

I am a homosexual,
but I'll be regular soon.

That Mary
is pretty good then, huh?

Mm-hmm, and Mike
and all the others.

I'm already starting step two.

We're so glad,
and after all that money.

Oh, we can't wait to see you
up there at graduation,

to have you home,
so we can all be together again.

Just remember, we love you.

We would do anything for our Megan
to have a normal life.

- And if you need anything--
- We'd better go.

Now you hang in there
and stay strong.

- Sweet dreams.
- You, too, daddy.

See you at family therapy. I love you.

In step two, we'll begin the process

of everybody rediscovering
their gender identity.

Now, we all know
we're latent heterosexuals.

Now, what we must do is to relearn

our masculinity
and our femininity.

I know this might be a little confusing
to some of you--

Graham!

What?

Do you like being a pervert?

I heard you, okay?

With your masculine-feminine
blah blah blah.

Like after Advanced Calc and Chaucer,
I can follow the psychobabble.

This psychobabble, young lady,

is the only healthy alternative
to the gay lifestyle

other than-than guzzling
a bottle of tranquilizers

or slashing your wrists.

Okay.

Now...

who's ready to have some fun?

And forwards.

And backwards,

and forwards.

And backwards.

In a very clean line.

You go in, and you go out.

And you go up, and you go down.

Girls, is everybody paying attention?

And you go in and out and in and out

and in and out.

Get into every little crevice.

And in and out...

And you slip it in...

and out.

And you add a little more oil
and shove it in.

Take it out.

Put some muscle into it.

Shove it in... and out.

And shove it in, take it out.

Okay, who wants to go down with me?

Hey!

Huh... you're turning into
a pretty young lady.

Now hold still.

Come on!

Die! Die! Die!

Okay, then.

Who's left to report out their root?

Andre?

Shit, Ms. Mary, I ain't the only one
who ain't got no root.

Andre, we don't use profanity

or double-negatives
here at True Directions.

Okay, who's next? Megan.

Well, I've really been thinking,
but I just can't think of anything.

I think our little prom queen
is too afraid to disclose.

Oh, really? What's your root, Graham?

We're working on your issue here,
not mine. You're deflecting.

Actually, I think it might be
a great idea for Megan

to be reminded of your root, Graham.

My mother got married in pants.

All right, let's see-- uh, Dolph?

Too many locker room showers
with the varsity team.

- Hilary?
- Um, all-girl boarding school.

- Sinead?
- I was born in France.

Clayton?

My mom let me play in her pumps.

I like balls.

Why, thank you for that, Jan.

Joel?

Traumatic bris.

So... yeah.

Now, Megan,
do you see easy it could be?

You just have to dig down
into those painful memories,

and you'll find it.

Now, Hilary, will you please come up here?

Today we are going to learn

one of the most wonderful things
about being a heterosexual.

Friendship.

So what I'd like you to all do
is to start partnering up,

find yourself a friend
for the remainder of the program.

All right, everybody settle.

Now that we have all found someone,

what I'd like you to do
is practice some time tonight with these.

- It's a woman.
- And what else?

I don't know.

A mother. Women have roles.

After you learn that,
you'll stop objectifying them.

Haven't you been listening
to anything Mary said?

Well, have you?

- Have I what?
- Stopped objectifying them.

I'm still looking for my root.

Must be tough when you're such a pries.

Your turn.

Ow!

You really have to be more prepared
for temptation, Megan.

Give it to me! Give it!

I'm open!

Boys!

Don't you see how sad
and pathetic you all are?

Always wanting something
you can't have.

If I catch you looking at another man
like that ever again,

you'll be watching sports
the whole weekend!

First thing we do
is we pull these tabs out.

Then we fold it over.

All right, now I've used food coloring.

This way you can see it better,

and if it's a boy, well, it tinkles up.

That's the wrong tab, okay?

Will you please hold it still
while I'm doing this?

- You're doing it all wrong.
- No, I'm not.

If you would just give it to me to do,
it would be fine.

Girls! Intervene!

Ugh!

Let's... ahem, try that one more time.

And I realized that when we finished
swimming lessons,

we would change in front of each other.

That's it.

Why I'm a homo.

Andre, that's what kids do
after swimming lessons.

Change. Everybody does that.

But I took one look at those boys,

and I got a... you know what.

I, um, can relate to that.

Um, when I used to study with Jacob,

we used to touch each other's legs
and rub up against each other.

Blowing each other
after your fucking bar mitzvah

is a little bit different
then learning how to dog paddle.

That is totally uncalled for.

Well, excuse me,

but we're paying a lot of money here
to get these kids fixed,

not sit around
and listen to stories all day.

Graham, I hope you're getting a little
more out of this program

than that faggot over there.

Mr. Eaton, I don't find that appropriate.

No, he's right.

It was a stupid-ass root.

I'm never gonna know
why I am a... faggot.

I've heard enough of this crap.

When you get back from Switzerland,

you better have this gay thing
out of your system.

- Got it?
- I got it.

You fuck up, no college, no car,
no trust fund.

I'm not sitting in any room with a faggot.

Megan.

It's your turn to report out your root.

I think it might be my parents.

Okay, go with that.

You know, we've kinda been like this
greeting card family.

And then there was that one year
where Dad was unemployed

and Mom had to support us.

Wait a minute,
that was only for nine months.

And then I was offered
a much better job at the plant.

Well, it was maybe seeing Mom
kind of being the dad. Maybe I--

Maybe I got kinda the wrong idea
about the roles of men and women?

Absolutely!

You know, I can't believe
that you didn't mention this earlier.

Your father was emasculated,
your mother was domineering.

Not exactly.

You wanted to emulate your mother.

You have no respect for men
because you don't respect your father.

It's really not like that.

Megan, you have found your root.

In order to start
healing this festering wound,

I want you to write a song.

It's very therapeutic,

and it's good to put your feelings down.

Free time's up in 20!

That means inside.

Okay, let's go. Okay.

What is it?

Nothing. Trash.

What am I, contagious?

- What is that?
- I'm stuck on...

♪ Five, six, seven, eight 4“

♪ - God is good. ♪
♪ - God is straight. ♪

Hey, that's good.

It's not supposed to be intellectual.

Cheers are supposed to be simple,
make people feel good.

Cheers make girls
do stupid cartwheels.

Orgasms make people feel good.

Your parents didn't stay very long.

Well, I imagine
it gets uncomfortable

sitting that long
with a stick up your ass.

I'm sure they're just trying
to do what's best for you.

I thought it was just an act,

but you really are sweet
as fucking pie, aren't you?

This is bullshit, Megan. It doesn't work.

You are who you are.
The only trick is not getting caught.

How'd you end up here?

I got caught

Doing what?

I, uh, I had this friend,

and we just spent a little
too much time together.

What were you doing?

What do you think?

Anyway.

My stepmom caught us in my room one day
and sent me here.

Were you in love with her?

Does it matter?

Careful, I could report you for that.

♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ God is good, God is straight ♪

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Inverts we Will be no more ♪

♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ God is good ♪

♪ God is straight. ♪

Megan, thank you so much for that cheer.

It means so much to all of us.

I will resist temptation,
seek to solve my problems...

Oh, my God. Please, don't tell.

Oh, my God! Ew!

Shut the fuck up,
you stupid little bitch!

Ow!

Hey! What's going on in here?!

A little premature simulation?

- They were kissing!
- She's full of shit!

Mike, we were just...
just please don't call my mom.

Dolph, I am really disappointed in you.

I thought you had what it took
to get out of here clean.

It's time to wake Mary.

Come on. Come on!

Come on.

Whoever started this
is out of this house,

and the other is really in the doghouse.

Not me.

I can't go home. They said it--

I am not interested
in anybody's sob stories.

I can only help those who are willing
to help themselves.

Now, who started this?!

Someone has got to start talking.

All right, Clayton, you little pervert.

- What?
- You've got one week of solitary,

and if I catch you again, you're out!

All right.

Come on, Mary.

I just wish I could've seen
those two boys in action

before Miss Thing over there
went Nancy Drew on us.

If that little twink would've
narced on me,

heads would have rolled.

What, would you tie her
to your bed and zap her to death,

or are you running low on batteries?

And here are our lovebirds,

taking a relaxing evening stroll together.

Now, notice how affectionate they are.

This could be you.

And here...

is our happy couple at home.

Now, it's important to make
your man feel at ease

when he comes home
from a long day at work.

Now, when it's time for lovemaking,

Dan kisses Sue
and touches her breasts.

Women often find
this sensation pleasurable.

So, you miss your friends from home?

Yeah. I just can't
decide who I miss more,

the grunting apes in letterman jackets,
or the bulimic cheer--

Go ahead, say it.

I didn't mean anything by that.

Um, I don't have any friends.

What about you?

I thought I did.

- Do they know you're here?
- Oh, yeah.

That's rough.

What's going on? It's almost lights out.

Shh. We're sneaking out.
Get dressed.

But Mary--

Fuck Mary.

Oh, no way.
There's only four weeks left.

There's no way I'm getting thrown out now.

Megan, they're never
gonna find out about this.

We haven't had fun in forever.

Come on, we could use a little fun.

But... what if we get caught?

We're not gonna get caught.

Fine. If you're not coming with us,
at least don't rat on us.

Come on, let's go.

Come on, hurry up.

Go. Go. Move it!

Get in.

Okay, fasten your seatbelt.

- Wait!
- Oh, we have one more.

Well, it's about fucking time.

I can't believe I'm doing this.

Hi, I'm Lloyd Morgan-Gordon.

This is Larry Morgan-Gordon.
Glad to have you with us.

Uh, you'll need one of these.

May not be an exact match, but...

First time you've all been AWOL?

Larry and Lloyd are ex-ex-gays.

From True Directions?

We were among Mary's ranks
before we defected.

We're just trying to provide you all
with a balanced perspective

to see that there are options.

In the end, it's up to you

- whether you choose to live a--
- Lie.

Whether you want to be who you are,

or keep it hidden is really more
what we're about.

So you run, like,
the underground homo railroad.

Come on, girls. Ooh!

You didn't tell me you were taking me
to a gay bar!

Well, where else would we go?

- I'm gonna get you a drink.
- I don't drink!

I refuse to accept
a false solution to my problem.

I will resist temptation and seek
to solve my problem.

- I refuse to accept a false solution--
- What are you doing?

My interventions.

You know, you don't have to do that.

Just be yourself.

Hi. Would you like to dance?

Sure she does.

No, sorry. I can't.

That's okay. Just thought I'd ask.

No problem.

You're too good for one dance?

You can't dance with a girl
for one second? Go ahead.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Sorry, I just don't dance much.

That's okay.

Megan, it's not what you think.

That's why we came here, right?

So you could be yourself.

I don't like Sinead that way.

Which way is that, clothed?

We weren't doing anything.

Oh, when you were going like this,
you weren't doing anything?

I wasn't. I wasn't doing that!

It doesn't matter.

Why are you freaking out?

It's none of my business.
Do what you want.

You want me to do what I want?

- I could care less!
- What I really want?

Screw you!

I'm not supposed to like you.

But?

I wanna do that again.

What are you looking at?

Mary's coming!

- Good night.
- Good night.

Come on, just...

throw out the first thing
that comes to your head, okay?

Just-- just-just think.

I already did!

Mine is just as good as anybody else's.

- I'm a heterosexual.
- Uh...

Not yet, honey.
You're almost there.

And don't speak out of turn.

No, I know, I've never been gay.

Jan, remember, uh, you were molested.

I mean, just take a look at yourself.

I mean, everybody
thinks I'm this big dyke

because I wear baggy pants,
I play softball, and...

I'm not as pretty as other girls,
but that doesn't make me gay.

I mean, I like guys.

I can't help it.

I just want a big, fat Wiener up my—-

Amen, sister.

I quit.

Who in the hell is she trying to fool?

Hey, Jan! Jan!

Group...

I have found something
very disturbing this morning.

I would like to know
who has been sneaking out

with those smut-peddling recruiters.

I want names.

I want to know who is involved.

Fine, then. Graham.

What do you have to say for yourself?

Why are you looking at me?

Because I found these under your bed!

Do you have anything
you'd like to confess?

I didn't sneak out.

But you know who did.

No, I don't, but, um...

I did realize something
about myself last night

that I was too scared to admit until now.

Okay, out with it. Come on, out with it.

I have a crush...

on Joel.

Oh.

It was the first time I really felt
something for a guy, you know?

And it just-- it really proved to me

the treatment's working.

Oh, Graham.

Oh.

Now, let this show you

what determination has yielded-- fruit!

Now I want you all
to look at Graham's strength

and how she worked her way
through this five-step program.

Oh, and by the way, I'm very disappointed
in the rest of you,

and I have scheduled a meeting
with each of your parents.

If you can't listen to me,
then perhaps you'll listen to them.

No, I didn't go to The Cocksucker,

I've never been
to The Cocksucker, I won't.

My cocksucking days are over. I am normal.

Mom, Dad, you have to believe me.
I swear I didn't go anywhere.

You're not gonna tell
your parents, are you?

Now, honey, your mom
and I both know

that you didn't have anything
to do with that... that...

Field trip to The Cocksucker.

Field trip to The Cook--

But if you had gone...

You have to know
that you would be on your own.

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, you can't come home.

We can't allow you to live
an unhealthy lifestyle under our roof.

80, Megan, if that is what you choose,

you're choosing
to cut us out of your life.

Well, great. Great.

Now, uh, what do you want to tell us?

Just that you don't have
anything to worry about.

I've been missing Jared a lot

and can't wait to see him again.

Oh, Megan, that's wonderful.

Now, you just keep up the good work,

and we'll be back to see you graduate.

You'll be home before you know it.

Bye-bye, sweetie.

You be a good girl.

Good-bye, dear.

Hmm.

This is
Larry and Lloyd Morgan-Gordon.

Leave us a message.

I know you're there! Now pick it up!

Listen to me, you little inverts,

Okay, you want to play rough with my kids?

Then I can play rough with you.

- Time's up.
- Oh, yes, thank you.

We've got
a little situation to deal with.

Adam and Eve,
not Adam and Steve!

Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve!

You have other options.

Don't you want to be normal?

Adam and Eve,
not Adam and Steve!

Hey! I know you! I saw you last night!

Hey, your daddy know you're a faggot?!

Good shot, Graham!

What are you doing?

What if he saw us kissing?
What do you want me to do?

We're not queer!
We're not going anywhere!

We are here! We're not queer!

We're not going anywhere!

That's it!

You better retreat! We're comin' out!

Is this what you teach now, Mary,
throw stones from glass houses?!

You're gonna have a lot
of broken glass around you.

It's part of the process, Lloyd.

It's not easy for them.

- Excuse me.
- Oh, thanks.

You know, you are so good
at being straight.

Wow. You have really big muscles.

I-- I keep forgetting about,
like, all these little things.

Get her cake, get her the cake.

- Can I rub them?
- Hmm?

A little cake right there.

That's good.

Oh, yeah.

Mm.

Mm.

- You're really manly.
- Thanks.

- I like that. Manly is good.
- I feel like the aggressor.

That's nice. Yeah...

You will all be graded in each category,

and those of you who pass
will move on to step five--

Simulated sexual lifestyle.

And those of you who fail
will be sent home.

Boys with Mike, girls with me.

Come on! Come on!

Essay Topic: "My root

and how it prevented me
from heterosexual loving."

Now, in order to successfully navigate
the treacherous sea of temptation,

one must first enter a life
out of homosexuality.

I've never seen such a determined group,

and I am passing all...

but one of you.

- Andre?
- Hmm?

You may pack your bags.

Now there's cake in the kitchen.

You'll want to rest up for the simulation.

Michael, congratulations.

I just wasn't meant to be butch.

I'm a sissy.

No.

You should be proud of who you are.

Hello?

I-- I mean, you're more than just a sissy.

You're nice and-- and clean and smart,

and sexy and firm and luscious and--

Excuse me.

The last thing I need right now

is some fruit
who just proved he's straight

telling my ass how sexy I am.

Ugh!

Congratulations, liars!

You know who you are,
and you know who you want.

Ain't nobody gonna change that! Shit.

Graham?

I never felt that way before...

except...

Except for what?

- Don't laugh, okay?
- I won't.

Except for when I was cheerleading.

- Really?
- I'm serious.

So it sounds stupid to you,
but I really love it.

Cheerleading's the one thing
that's kept me happy.

It's exhilarating.

I would love to see you cheer.

- Don't make fun of me.
- No, I'm not, I'm not.

Did you ever think maybe I'm just jealous
that you love something?

Get out of bed!

You hormonal hussy!
I can't believe you did this.

You were supposed to be the role model.
Now get up right now!

What did I do?

A little sleepover with Graham.

Ugh!

Get dressed right now!

You, of course, understand
what your little adventure has cost you.

You'll be removed from the program
and the premises at once.

I understand.

And, of course, your parents
have made it very clear

that you are just
not welcome home anymore,

so you will be left to your own devices.

I mean there-- there may be
one thing that you can do

where we could work out
some kind of a deal.

I'll let you stay...

and graduate with the rest of your class,

but you must do me one favor in return.

Partner in simulation with Rock.

Rock?

I don't think that would work.

♪ Party train ♪

Oh, for Pete's sake!

Rock! Turn it off!

We've lost Megan.

She just wasn't strong enough,

but you still have
a chance to save yourself.

It's your choice.

You can run off with Megan
and turn into a raging bull dyke,

or you can do the simulation and graduate
and lead a normal life.

There is no choice.
You came here to graduate,

and that is exactly
what you're going to do.

You understand me, young lady?

This is exactly why your mother left.

Are you ready to lose your father?

Then it's settled.

Graham will partner
with Rock in simulation.

Megan, you're out.

Skedaddle.

I-I can't. I'm sorry.

- What do you want?
- I need to talk to Lloyd and Larry.

But you're from True Directions.

Yeah... Hey, not anymore!

All right, kid. Get in here.

Come on, move your tush.

I can't go back.

I thought you could teach me
how to be a lesbian.

What they wear,
where they live, you know.

Uh, Megan, we can't help you with that.

There's not just one way to be a lesbian.

You just have to continue to be
who you are.

- Dolph?
- Megan!

Oh!

Thank you so much for saving me
from that place.

What are you doing here?

I live here, or at least
until I find a way to make it on my own.

Oh.

It's way better than T.D.

We all get our own rooms
and curfew's midnight,

but we have to share bathrooms.

Well, not at the same time, of course.

Of course.

Come on, it's gonna be okay.

No, it won't.

She was supposed to leave
with me, and she didn't.

Whoa, slow down. Who?

Graham.

I knew it! She was into you
from the start.

Then why didn't she come with me?

Well, maybe she was scared.

Like I'm not?

Believe me, you're better off here.

Graham.

Pay attention!

Action, Rock.

Now lean in and kiss her.

Nice, Rock.

Now feel how soft and vulnerable she is.

Isn't it wonderful?

Now, Graham, let him take the lead.

A little tongue. He loves you.

He wants to be with you,
the way God intended.

To be inside you.

His love muscle thrusting.

Cut!

Megan, we thought that Dolph
should take you out this week

to celebrate your new freedom.

- How would that be?
- Sure.

80, Megan, what do you want to do now?

Um, Larry,

Megan just made a very traumatic decision,
and she's still moving through things.

Well, I-- I just thought that we could
check out some schools in the city

- and I could, uh--
- She's not ready... sweetie.

You know, I am just
asking a simple question.

I'm not interrogating her--

Now we're moving
to that aggressive space again.

Can I even ask a question around here?

Now I feel you're moving
into your victim stance.

I was not attacking. I was verbalizing.

I just feel like you don't value
my opinion anymore.

Seems like nothing I do pleases you and...

I feel inadequate.

Oh.

I love my Larry bear.

- Lloyd's sorry.
- Larry bear's sorry, too.

Okay, then. Dinner's ready.

Very good. Okay, who's next?

Okay, now remember that sex is fun.

We're making love.

There's nothing dirty about it.

Sex is beautiful
when it's between a man and a woman.

Mom.

Okay, now from this position,

the woman will spread her legs,
opening like a flower.

That's wonderful, Graham.

Now at this point, the man will insert
himself into the woman.

Yes, that's...

yes, Rock, that's it!

Uh, Mrs. Brown?

What is it, Joel?

- What about foreplay?
- No!

Foreplay is for Sissies.

Real men go in, unload, and pull out!

Mom!

We can dance if you wanna.

You go ahead.

I think I need to go get some air.

I miss her.

She's scared and maybe
she's making the wrong choice,

but it's her wrong choice to make.

You have to be willing to walk away.

What about you and Clayton?

Look, if he can't make a stand,
he just can't make a stand.

Well, what about you?

What are you willing to do?

I am so proud of you.

Doesn't it feel great to be straight?

To be out of homosexuality?

It's not always gonna be easy,

but at least we know what to do now.

Okay, girls, ready to go?

Give me the keys.

- Hope she's worth it.
- Is Clayton?

I'm doing this for you, not for Clayton.

Yeah, right.

There he is.

Let's go.

Welcome to the graduating class
of True Directions.

Ladies and gentlemen,

may I present

our happy heterosexuals!

Oh...

- Jesus!
- Miss me?

- Why are you here?
- I came to get you.

I can't go anywhere, Megan.

That was fast.

Where's Graham?

I gotta try again.

We've all gathered on this special day

to celebrate the wonderful
True Directions.

And praise be to our Higher Power.

Will our graduates please stand again?

Sinead Laurent.

Joel Goldberg.

Hilary Vandermueller.

Graham Eaton.

And now,

I think that in closing, we should...

Graham.

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ I won't take "no" anymore ♪

♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ I want you to be my mate ♪

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ You're the one that I adore ♪

♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Don't run from me 'cause this is fate. ♪

I love you.

Megan! You stop it this instant!

'Cause you will wallow in the smut
of your homosexual depravity

for the rest of your life!

Dolph! Come on, let's go!

Megan!

Wait!

My name is Peter,

and my daughter is a... h-homosexual.

Hello, Peter!