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FREEMAN: Captain's log, Stardate 58759.1.

The Cerritos is visiting the Federation world Corazonia,

an artificial megastructure in a bespoke star system

designed by a long-extinct alien species.

The ring has been home to the Corazonians,

who enjoy perfect climate and surface conditions

thanks to Vexilon, the environmental computer

installed by the ring's original designers.

Fortunately, Vexilon is a benevolent ally

with no interest in world domination.

The Corazonians share a deep bond with their caretaker.

CORAZONIAN: Thank you for making the trip

on short notice, Captain.

We're very concerned about Vexilon.

Well, he's not trying to subjugate anyone, is he?

I thought he was a friendly computer.

He is, but his hardware is ancient, wearing down.

Vexilon has been operating with less accuracy

than we are accustomed.

Your world computer's lagging?

The weather has become unpredictable.

One minute it's blue skies, the next it's blizzards.

His geographic processes are faltering, too.

Just yesterday, one of our rivers reversed its flow

and flooded a mountain.

We're all artists and poets, but I've been so stressed.

Just look at the terrible statues I made last week.

Yeesh. Yeah, that's a pretty clumsy expression of form.

Those are our finest works.

We're talking about those over there.

Well, why don't we just go check on Vexilon,

and afterward you can tell us all about your creative process?

Just an amateur lack of focus and balance.

FREEMAN: Ransom!

VEXILON: Welcome to Corazonia, Captain.

We appreciate Starfleet's help.

Please enjoy some iced tea.

- Aah! That's hot. - Damn it! I'm so stupid!

It's totally normal for a planetary operating system

to need some maintenance every once in a while.

No one's judging you.

Ah. Thank you. It's just embarrassing.

I've been fine for a millennia,

but now I can't even control my monsoon seasons.

Why don't I just pop your control panel

and take a look at your circuits?

I'm sure we can have you up and running in no time.

Captain, we have engineers

- who could... - Stand down, Jack.

I minored in archaic technology back at the Academy.

I think I've got this.

Thank you, Captain. I don't deserve this treatment.

I hope this isn't taking you away from more important work.

No. (scoffs) Not at all.

We needed to stop in and retrofit the power relay

Starfleet installed during first contact anyway.

I've got one of my lieutenants on that now.

BOIMLER: Ooh, this is it.

Your first away mission as a commander.

No big deal. You've got this.

You are boss Boimler, and you're gonna nail...

- Lieutenant Boimler. - What?! I mean, hi.

- I mean, uh... yes, T'Lyn? - Your team is waiting.

Have you completed your confidence-boosting ritual?

Oh, that's not what I was doing.

I was just, uh, running a last-minute check of supplies.

Has everyone tested their comms?

-(feedback squeals) -(echoing): Boimler to T'Lyn. Yah!

All equipment is in adequate condition

to accomplish our errand.

It's not an errand, it's a mission.

My first mission as commander.

It's pretty cool, right?

- Perhaps we should proceed. - (clears throat)

Ensigns, at attention.

This is a cut-and-dry power terminal upgrade.

If you have any questions, don't hesitate to come to me

or Provisional Lieutenant Junior Grade T'Lyn,

who's on site in case any science stuff happens.

Everything that has ever occurred is science stuff.

Oh. Uh, right.

That went pretty well, I'd say.

I do not know to what you are referring.

We have not started the repair.

I mean, talking to my team.

I've had good bosses and bad ones.

I just don't want to repeat their mistakes.

Your caution is warranted.

Statistically, ensigns serving

under recently promoted commanders are more likely

to experience death and/or dismemberment.

- Death?! - Yes. And/or dismemberment.

Well, luckily, this mission's pretty tame.

It's just swapping out some terminals.

The component pieces are unstable

- and could detonate at any moment. - (shrieks)

The retrofit must be conducted in precise order,

or the terminal will explode.

BOIMLER: It's like disarming

a building-sized bomb?

The similarity is not inaccurate.

All right, gang. Who's ready to be careful?

TENDI: I wonder how Boimler's doing down there

- on his mission. - Oh, he's either doing great

or super overthinking it and getting sweaty.

I don't know why. Being a lieutenant junior grade

doesn't seem too different from being an ensign to me.

Oh, okay. It's the same, huh?

Well, what if I told you we now have access to this?

(gasps) The anomaly storage room?

Yup! Anything that requires further study

or might need to be returned to its previous entity

is kept right here.

That's the hat that turned Billups into a church tower.

I wouldn't even authorize myself for this.

- A lot of it is dangerous. - Aah! Don't touch that!

Do you want your head to fall off and skitter away?

- Greetings and salutations! - (Rutherford gasps)

(groans) A Betazoid gift box. Things creep me out.

(gibbering)

Why?

This is a message for Rutherford.

I don't want to be in this roo. I want to live in your quarter.

Oh, uh, no, thank you.

Is this guy sentient?

No, they-they just tend to pick up phrases they overhear.

Eat a bag of Borg, (bleep) mother(bleep).

I didn't know that Dr. T'Ana came in here.

Oh, no way. It's the Wadi Chula game.

The one that traps you inside

until you solve its annoying challenges.

Oh, hell yeah. The one with, like, the pastel triangles

and the little girl doing hopscotch,

and everybody's like... ? Allamalay lemon meringue. ?

DIRK: Lieutenants Tendi, Mariner and Rutherford,

report to the isolinear chip junction immediately.

On the way.

Ugh. I thought we had the afternoon to ourselves.

I told you it didn't feel too different from being an ensign.

At least this'll be something interesting.

No more mindless, repetitive tasks for us.

Took you long enough.

I need you three to scan each and every one

of these isolinear chips by hand.

What?! But there are thousands of them.

Yeah, and there's a .015% deviation

in the fault sensor, which is why

it needs to be done by hand.

Can't it just wait until we repair the sensor?

Wow. Why didn't I think of that?

Oh, right, I did.

But the sensor detected a single malfunctioning chip

before it went down.

You three need to find it.

This isn't so bad. Ooh, maybe we can sing a song...

Once an hour, the room fills with nitrogen coolant,

so keep your breathers handy.

The chips can get scalding hot, so watch out for that.

Oh, and Billups' ferret got out this morning

so report to him if it bites you.

-Lancelot's in here?! Ah! (whimpering) -(Lancelot squeaks)

Okay, you were right. This is feeling pretty ensign-y.

Huh. It doesn't make any sense.

This is ensign work.

(gasps) Maybe even cadet.

On Orion, older pirates would haze new recruits

by making them do worthless tasks,

like clean the door panels with their tongues.

- You think Dirk's hazing us? - What's hazing?

It's a prank dressed up as team-building

that nobody really likes.

Well, that doesn't sound very Starfleet.

Yeah, I got to agree with Ruthie on this one.

There is no way senior officers would haze a lieutenant.

You're right. They have too much character.

(scoffs) What? No, no. They're not cool enough.

This is just an annoying job given to us by an annoying guy.

(laughs) Yeah, I'm probably overreacting.

FREEMAN: Hmm.

Well, nothing seems to be wrong

with your hardware.

Do you mind if I take a look at your terminal?

Of course. Feel free to dig around.

(beeping)

Ah, I think I see the problem.

Your operating system's out of date.

That would explain it.

There was that weekend where my designers evolved

into fifth-dimensional energy beings and left me on my own.

When was my last update?

Six million and seven years ago.

Ah, that was a good year.

Really good harvest season.

Huh. Hang tight, I'll get you caught up with this update,

and it should clear things right up.

Thank you, Captain. You've saved us.

It'll be nice to get back to my old, helpful self

af-af-after... after, after, after, after,

- (high-pitched): After, after, after, after... - Vexilon?

(rapid, high-pitched): After, after, after, after, after...

- (rumbling) - RANSOM: Uh, Captain?

Did that update require a shutdown?

It wasn't supposed to.

(clinking)

(yelling)

(thunder crashing)

- (wind whistling) - All right, gang.

Just remember, the name of the game is safety.

- (crashing) - (Boimler gasps)

Okay, also, hurry. Safety and speed.

Lieutenant, these power cylinders

are extremely volatile.

Are you certain speed is necessary?

Something's going on with the weather,

and these guys are pros. They'll be...

- Taylor, what are you doing? - Um, reaching for the first clamp?

Love the initiative, but your angle is all off.

I need 90 degrees, not 80. But no worries.

I probably did a bad job explaining

how deadly these bomb tubes are.

- Okay. - Stop! Stop! Stop.

You know what? Why-why don't I show you how to do one?

Then you guys can do the rest.

But doesn't each one take three people, sir?

Oh, no, no, no, you don't have

to do that whole "sir" thing with me. I'm chill.

Call me Bradward or Boims or something.

Doesn't this take three people, Bradward?

Technically, yes, but I think I should show you

how to do it right, just on this first one.

So you have four subsponders in the corners

that interface with the ion generator in the center,

which self-stabilizes the reaction.

If broken in the wrong order, the container will explode,

so you have to be careful as you remove each one...

- (grunts) Got it. - (clanks)

Then repeat that three times.

- (grunting) - (clanking)

Then you rotate the old cylinder

until you feel the latch disengage,

- at which point you carefully remove it. - (rolling thunder)

Now it's very important to keep it upright

and lift with your knees, not your back, because

you really don't want back pain, and that's...

- (wind whistling) - (rolling thunder)

why you put it in the taupe bin and not the magenta bin.

Got it?

- I don't think we did. - Maybe we could try it?

Okay, not a big deal. Let me just

pop another quick demo for you.

- (groans) - (Boimler grunting)

When are we going to get to do some of the mission?

- (clinking) - BOIMLER: Whoa.

- (beeping) - RUTHERFORD: Mm, mm, mm, mm, m.

(Rutherford gasps, Lancelot squeaks)

Lancelot! (whimpering)

Ow! Hot! Aah!

How many more of these things are there?

Ugh. Rutherford's got the last couple.

You ever notice that it's always the last chip you test?

Just scan it.

- No, that's not right. - (Tendi grunts)

- (growls) - But we tested every chip.

- Rutherford, make it make sense. - I can't. It has to be this one.

How's it going in here, Lieutenants?

Wow. You all look beat.

Oh, didn't know scanning could be so taxing.

- Ugh! - Uh, sir, look, we've scanned every chip.

They're all fine.

Hmm. Every chip? Even the second layer?

Why didn't you tell us about all these?!

I don't know. The hidden button seemed obvious.

Anyway, these are twice as hot, so you'll want to use tongs,

which makes it twice as hard.

- (squeaks) - Aah! Lancelot!

Leave me alone! I don't have any meat!

Billups, I've got eyes on Lancelot.

- (alarm blaring) - "The hidden button seemed obvious."

Oh, this is definitely hazing. So much for character.

Ouch! Yeah, I think you're right.

Hey, how'd you deal with this kind of thing back on Orion?

Blindfolded saber fight.

Okay, I want to hear more about that,

but I think I have a less stabby solution.

(squeaking)

Okay, okay, no big deal.

Just a frozen progress bar

and some crazy day-night stuff.

Now I think the ancient manual is saying

to press this?

- (whirring) - Oh, yeah. - Ha-ha!

- (low beep) - Oh. - Oh.

(grunts) Freeman to Billups. Beam down here immediately.

Ugh. Sorry, Captain. I'm-I'm having a hard time today.

Lancelot got out when I was cleaning his snuggle tower,

and I just... Wow! This is a classic setup.

Is it a Unotronic? (laughs)

That-that kills in engineering.

Billups, this isn't the time for your computer comedy.

And we're sure we want to turn it back on?

It's not, like, crushing the will of the locals or anything?

- (gasps) We love Vexilon. - FREEMAN: No.

It's a nice one. We're fine.

Is it safe to jiggle his power source?

- I mean, you'd be surprised... - "Safe."

Excellent thinking, Commander.

Aha! A lot of these ancient computers had

a safe mode for debugging.

Now, if I can just activate it...

(grunts) There.

- (whirring) - (Freeman laughs)

That got rid of the stalled update.

- (explosive rumble) - Yeah. - Captain,

are you sure this is safe mode and not a full reboot?

Uh...

- I am Vexilon. - Oh!

Welcome to your new world.

I will now re-genesis installation

to default settings.

Initiating fjords.

- Distributing miasma. - (thunder cracks)

Stirring primordial ooze.

(panting)

(gasps)

(high-pitched whimpering)

Doing one more myself should really

teach you guys how to do this.

- There's only one left. - Shouldn't we help?

It's getting really crazy out there.

Just keep doing what you're doing!

- (grunting) - We're not doing anything.

Lieutenant Boimler, your ensigns have a point.

Leading by example has proven to be inefficient.

I only have one left, and we all get out of here alive.

- (grunting) - Freeman to Lieutenant Boimler.

(clears throat) Go ahead, Captain.

Has your team finished the retrofit?

We're almost finished here, si.

Don't. I need you to put it back the way it was.

But, Captain, it's getting pretty apocalyptic out here.

I know.

According to this scroll we found in an ancient junk drawer,

Vexilon can force a restart

if we reroute its primary power to your station.

- But the station's outdated. - We have to get this done

before the anaerobic bacteria is dispersed.

No problem. Just gonna quickly undo all the work I just did.

- Another learning experience for you. - (grunting)

Fascinating.

A mountain or possibly a volcano has appeared.

Ah. It is a volcano.

(panting)

RUTHERFORD: Are you sure we shouldn't just ask him to stop hazing us?

No, Mariner's right.

- Hazers only respect hazing. - That's why we trap him

in the Wadi game and let him marinate in there for a bit

- while the Betazoid gift box screams at him. - (laughs)

I guess he'll have to respect us after this.

I know I would, and I already did.

Quick, let's get out of here.

- (laughter) - Whoa.

- (gasps) - (laughter)

(grunts, gasps)

Oh, hey. Done already?

Ha. Totally, my man.

No error'ed chips. All good to go.

Oh, thank God. I can't tell you how glad I am to hear that.

Oh, really? Why?

Those isolinear chips run some

of the most important systems on the ship.

If one fails, it could be fatal.

Yeah, but, not... like, not really?

Yes, really.

Even one going down could be catastrophic.

Thank you so much for taking that on.

- I really appreciate it. - Come on. If it was important,

why wouldn't you have done it yourself?

I would have. I...

Dr. Migleemo says acceptance is the road to healing.

How familiar are you with the Wadi Chula game?

We put one in...

- I-I mean, uh, the what now? - It's a game

that traps a user in a little (bleep) dimension

until they can complete its challenges.

When I was a kid, I got trapped in one for a month.

I was... too dumb to work my way out.

- (sniffles) - Oh, no, you weren't dumb.

That experience, that torture colored my life.

I can't go near the anomaly room without having a panic attack

because one of those games is on the ship.

I should have helped you today, but all those glowing chips...

remind me too much of the... game.

- Oh, God. - Oh, yes.

Oh, thank you for sharing, so much,

and I am glad to be a part of your journey.

You know, maybe, oh, would it cheer you up to talk

about that music that you like so much?

Tellarite slop jazz?

Yes! Oh, yes, that's it. Okay, you've rambled

about that at length before. Go fix it.

Oh, I could go on about slop jazz forever.

You know, everybody thinks the slops is about how much spit

- you can get to drip out of the nozzle... - Uh-huh, uh-huh.

But it's really about the brizzles flarps.

Yeah, you know, it sounds wet, and that is what I like.

Please continue.

- (beeping) - (whimpering)

- Sir, please let us help. - Stay away from the blast zone.

Just five or six more trips. Oh. Oh, no!

This is quite enough, Lieutenant.

You will allow the ensigns to assist you.

- (groaning) - But I don't, uh...

(yelling)

- Whoa! - It is admirable

that you care for the safety of your team,

but danger is an accepted risk of Starfleet duty.

No, I know. It's not that.

If you have not been acting in their defense,

then what has caused your unpredictable behavior?

(sighs)

Last week I was an ensign with them,

and now, randomly, I'm supposed to tell them what to do?

What gives me the right to put my peers

in a position where they could die?

Your promotion was not random.

I studied your records and mission logs

before our departure.

The commander was correct to promote you.

Your work is exemplary.

Look at your team.

- (grunting) - They deserve your trust,

just as Commander Ransom trusted you.

They could all have greatness in them.

That remains to be seen, but if you do not order them

to aid in the unloading of these power cylinders,

we will all perish.

The files really said I'm great?

They thoroughly describe your strengths and shortcomings.

You're right. I have to let them do their jobs.

T'Lyn says I got to put you guys in danger, so let's do this.

- (panting) - That is not how

I would have communicated the lesson.

Everybody up. We've worked together for years.

I trust you. Big Merp, you're with me.

We're unloading the transport.

Taylor and Meredith, claim a terminal

and get those power cylinders reattached.

Nobody's exploding today.

- On it, sir. - Yes, sir. - Yes, sir.

- (grunting) - (beeping)

(whimpers)

Aah! Oh, no. Oh.

- (exclaims) - Fiddle-de-dah!

(grunts, gasps) No, no, no, no, no!

Oh, man, am I in the game?

Move along home.

- Allamaraine, count to four. - (grunts)

But flizz bop is really more of a bastardization

of modal skuzz. Uh, this isn't boring, is it?

Boring? What? How could a musical lecture be boring?

Okay, so...

BOTH: Allamaraine, then three more.

- Allamaraine, if you can see. - Allamaraine, then three more.

Faster, mother(bleep).

- Allamaraine. - Allamaraine, you'll come with me.

Later, little girl.

(grunting)

Best of them was probably Fats B'zirtak,

but he overdosed on Ketracel-white.

Yeah, that (bleep) will mess you up.

- You have progressed to... - Yeah, yeah, yeah, shap four.

Open the door, come on.

(sighing): Oh.

(beeping)

- Ha! - (beep)

Got your ass!

DIRK: Which takes us up

- to 2380... - Yeah. Yes.

- Well, I should probably get back to my room. - What?

Migleemo's coming over to help me

- sort through my trust issues. - Oh. Wait!

Don't you want to list some more stuff at me?

We can meet up after. This has been fun.

(groans)

This looks dangerous. Don't fall, Rutherford.

We got to! (screams)

(yells) Whoa! Wha...?!

- (grunts) - What? Where am I?

Was that an entire simulated life?

Sorry about that.

(crying): I miss my wife.

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

Who are your top three sizzle horn players?

Stop if you like music!

- Ugh! Dirk, wait! - Huh?

Someone told me there's no difference between slop jazz

- and skuzz blues! - What?!

Whoever told you that is a fool.

Oh, crap. I forgot. I'm meeting Migleemo in his office.

Ha! I had no reason to come back here for hours.

- (groans) - (sighs)

- (groans) - Where are we at with those cylinders?

- Complete! - Complete!

Securing my final clamp!

Taylor, Merp, assume the rotational stance.

- (rumbling) - (gasps, yells)

- (grunts) I got this. - (panting)

Rotate... now!

- Captain, power's up! - Keep the engine running

- while I hack this megastructure. - VEXILON: What happened?

Oh, no, did I shut down? Oh, I'm a terrible host.

Vexilon, focus. I need you to stop the planetary re-genesis

before we all get killed.

Yes, of course. I'm so sorry. This is so embarrassing.

Hey, give me a sec.

BOIMLER: Great work, team.

Now let's get on the shuttle before...

- (alarm sounding) - Aah, the turbine's overheating!

Uh, Captain, we've got a problem.

FREEMAN: We're almost done. I need more time.

- Everyone out of here. - No! We can help.

Ensign, the lieutenant gave you an order.

Okay, almost... there.

Re-genesis is deactivating.

Lieutenant Boimler, shut it down.

On it, Captain.

(gasping)

- Bradward, no! - (crying) - (vomiting)

The lieutenant junior grade

first mission mortality rate... appears to be accurate.

(gasps)

(thunder cracking)

Uh... hi?

(speaking Koala)

Aah! Get it off! Get it off me! (coughing)

Holy (bleep), I can't believe that worked.

Did we complete the mission?

Yes, you were the only fatality.

(groans) Yup, feels like it.

The captain believes the updated operating system

will keep the population safe for over a thousand years.

Your mission was a success.

Well done, Mr. Boimler.

You never forget your first death.

Only more and more dangerous missions from here on out.

(laughs)

Oh, come on, I just revived him. Everybody out!

Give me 30cc's of whatever just worked a (bleep) minute ago.

TENDI: I am so glad we didn't get Dirk sucked into the game.

- The guy seems traumatized. - He's working on it, though.

Under that grouchy exterior is a guy just trying

- to find some peace. - I wish he could find it

- without sending me all these jazz albums. - (jazz playing)

I like them, and it's bugging me. I am not a jazz person.

Ugh. I feel silly,

thinking a Starfleet officer would ever haze someone.

Hmm. Sorry I ever brought it up.

Next time, we assume the best in people.

Hear! Hear!

They bought the Wadi game story, huh?

Oh, yeah. Told them I was stuck in there for a month.

(laughs)

(quietly): Hey, little guy. Go get Rutherford.

Aah! Lancelot! (whimpering)

Oh, new lieutenants give me life.

RUTHERFORD: Good weasel. Nice weasel.

(whimpering)

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org

(man imitates weapons firing)

Chirp.

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