All language subtitles for S08E04 - Catching Digbys Donkey

Morning, Howard. Is it, Cleggy?
Is this it? A good morning?

What are the BAD ones like, then?

You've been reading
glossy male magazines.

Exposing your soul to discontent.

There has to be more than this.
Where's the glossiness in our lives?

There's a lot to be said at our age
for a plain, matt finish.

"You're too young", they told me,
when I wanted to elope
with that showgirl.

You were only 16!

Well, I was on holiday.

She was 30 if she was a day!

At sixteen I LOVED thirty.

I was keen, idealistic.

Ready to devote me life
to thirty-year-old showgirls.

She was horrible!

Even horrible 30-year-old showgirls.

She had big feet.
She had fishnet tights!

Fishnet...?
She had stockings with holes!

I could've mended them. I'm good
with a needle. Pearl will tell you
I'm good with a needle.

And Windowgleam.

I was going to be a playboy.

I was all set to waste me life
at a frantic pace in Monte Carlo.

And look at me. On me way
to me Advanced Housekeeping Badge!

How is Pearl? Determined to get me
through me Advanced Housekeeping.

This is a 3-speed gear, ready
to change at the slightest incline.

That's what marriage is all about.

You'd never have been happy
with that showgirl.

You weren't ready for a woman who
played the mouth organ like that.

The trouble with Howard is that
his adolescence has gone on so long,

it's spilled over
into his mid-life crisis.

Pearl's a steadying influence.
That's true. Give her her due.

You take one look at Pearl
and you think,

"By heck,
that's a steadying influence!"

He made the wrong choice.
I've seen it time and time again.

Marriage is not compatible
with the adventurous life.

Round here it's often not compatible
with the unadventurous life.

I soon realised that my commitment
to a life of adventure
would require me to remain single.

One must make these sacrifices.

A life of adventure!? Thee!?

The Way of the Warrior.

You started as office boy
in that ladies' stocking factory!

But a very commando-type
office boy!

Was he hell! He was a right tulip.

Yes, well, eh, it was a false step
career-wise. I admit it.

But I hadn't then
found my vocation.

I don't suppose Napoleon
got it right straightaway.

Probably wasted his early years
in some dead-end job.

Holding a ladder for somebody.
I like it!

I had to kill time at the factory.

There wasn't a decent war available
until 1939.

You should have started one!
Napoleon did.

Ah... not immediately.
He had to pass some exams first.

Now you get terrorists cheerfully
killing people without a single
O-level between them.

It's wonderful how far we've spread
the benefits of education.

Hey up, Norm. He's off again.

I thought I saw something.

I can't see owt.

The difference being,
Little Tatty Person,

that I have trained eyes.

He's got trained eyes!

Makes 'em do tricks!
Sit up and beg!

Throw a stick.
See if they fetch it.

You wouldn't scoff if your lives
had depended on sniper's vision.

Sniper's vision!?

You were a corporal signwriter!

I applied for sniper.

It wasn't my fault. After Dunkirk
there was a critical shortage
of front-line signwriters.

We were the unsung heroes.

You should try writing words
like "ablutions" and "latrines"
under heavy fire.

I've seen men's curlicues and
serifs go completely to pieces.

I hope you shut that gate.
Of course I shut that gate.

I suppose you think that was funny.

Funny? Whatever gave you that idea?

It's a good job I have
the balance of a paratrooper.

The balance of a paratrooper?

Looked like falling off
a gate to me.

I thought I saw something. It's not
for nothing I was called The Hawk.

The HAWK! Oh, The Hawk.

Hey! Mind my bike.

Come here, you beggar!

You see? It's Digby
chasing his donkey.

If he gets angry with donkeys
I wonder why he keeps one.

He's not chasing it
because he's angry.

COME HERE!
Looks pretty angry to me.

GET THE FINGER OUT, DIGBY!

YOU'RE LOSING IT!

Do you mind not yawping in my ear!

Spare us that bit
at the back of your throat
that goes yaketty, yaketty.

Norm, have I got a bit
at the back of my throat

that goes yaketty, yaketty?

I can't see it from this end.

You're certainly not looking
from the other. Amen to that!

He's missed it again.

The man has no idea. He moves with
all the grace of a ruptured camel.

A trained man could creep up to it
unobserved. That's all very well.

But the end what doesn't observe
is the end what does the booting.

One must out-think these creatures.

Suppose you lose.
Imagine the humiliation.

The man needs help.

Where are you going, that man!?
I'm not chasing any donkeys!

Nora Batty, yes. But donkeys...

Well, here's to Digby.
To Digby. Yes, here's to Digby.

He has my sympathy, does Digby,

but he can catch his own
flaming donkey.

But he can't, and not to help him
is not very good-neighbourly.

I've often thought about
Love Thy Neighbour.

How many people would have
to move house before they could
do it with real enthusiasm?

I hate to see a chap
fumbling with a donkey.

We should have helped him.

He doesn't help me catch my ferret!

How far do they go?

Listen, they get into places

where a bloke has to be careful
before he starts asking for help!

A donkey's not likely
to get there, is it?

Heaven forbid.

I'll fight anybody for a quid.

A quid!? That's too rich for us.
Try the Home Counties.

Take yer business somewhere flash.

You must have a quid. Have YOU?

Well, no.
But I'm not gonna lose, am I?

You're not going to lose?

Look at it! Six stone wringing wet
and it's got all this rabbit.

Don't you believe
in the power of advertising?

What's your name? I'm not telling.

You'll be claiming you're me! Living
off MY reputation. I like him.

He's got this genuine quality
that you find with real idiots.

Hey, hey, come here, come here.
Now listen, what's your name?

It's Ormeroyd.

ORMEROYD!?

My Uncle Perce suffered
with them for years.

Hey up, Digby. Did you catch it?

Catch it? Catch it!? I couldn't even
reach the chuff by letter!

He looks thirsty! What does he do
to get in that condition?

He catches donkeys.

Is there much call for that
round here? He's slowing up now.

I'll fight anybody for a quid.

Right. Right, you're on.

Sit down, Digby.
You're in no condition.

Remember - you never were.

You're not a fighter. What!?

Listen, you want to try chasing
a stupid donkey all morning.

It'll turn thee into a fighter.

I'll kill him!

I'll kill any human being,
animal, duck, pigeon...!

OUT!

He's a bit touchy, isn't he?

I'm sure I don't know what I said
to cause such offence!

Tha's a dozy prat.

You seem to be hampered in life by
a condition known as a big mouth.

I've been all right up to now.

Decent people are usually ashamed
to be violent to anybody my size.

Digby's decent.
But today he's beside himself.

That's nice!

Two of them basterds
I will get screwed.

I'm shure a settlement
wil be reached.

Oh, no. I've got me pride, you know.

I mean, how's it going to look?

Famous pub-fighter flees from a man

who can't even catch
a flaming donkey!

You're not a famous pub-fighter!

And I'm never going to be...

until I get stuck in.

The veneer's peeling off
my dressing table.

Are you sure it's the veneer
and not a layer of dust?

It's the veneer.
Well, you're in trouble there.

There's always summat.

What I do
when I have a technical problem

is sit down
and have a nice boiled egg.

It's only one man's solution,

but I offer it up
for what it's worth.

How about that? He bust me lip.

What about me nose?
He made me nose bleed.

I'm not claiming this lip bled,
but I bet any money it'll swell.

Imagine! Me first bleeding nose!

Wait till I tell my missus
I've been banged on the lip!

And by a famous pub-fighter.

And made his nose bleed! Right!

Here, have a drink.

I'll have a drink.
Right, come on.

What will I do
about my dressing table?

You could rub it down
with one of his boiled eggs.

It's turning into a really good day
for idiots.

Sometimes you can go for weeks
and never find one.

Hark at them. Sounds as though
they were at each other's throats

like a pair of raving butterflies!

They won't need
my first-aid skills.

No, but they may have to borrow
your make-up.

Digby, there still remains
the problem of your donkey.

Stuff the flaming donkey!

You've got to catch it first.

Forget it. Let it stay out there.

All I wanted to do was take it
down to me barn. Make it comfy.

Let the kids see a bit more of it.

It's uncatchable, the flaming thing.

Rubbish! Not for an organised team.
Not for a well-drilled threesome

under the command
of a shrewd military brain.

Sit down!

I'll buy you a drink.

Once we get this
over its head, it's ours.

Oh, goody!
Just what we always wanted -

a donkey on a string!

Yes, well, eh, right now, the plan.

Oh, the plan! There's a plan!
Of course! There's always a plan.

Right. Well, stage one.

Instead of going at it bald-headed
and scaring the terrified beast...

Terrified!?
It doesn't even look nervous to me!

We shall employ
the softly-softly technique.

"The softly-softly technique!"
Mm...

At this stage, your leader
will go into the field... alone.

I like it already.

I shall approach the beast slowly,

making friendly noises designed to
win the confidence of the animal.

You two remain here and
try not to make any sudden moves.

Don't tell us, tell him.

I suggest you two show yourselves
as little as possible.

Get behind the wall.

Whoah!

He'd have been unbearable
as Napoleon.

A real pain in the prat.

Getting behind walls is well within
the parameters of my outdoor
accomplishments.

Now remember -

no sudden movements.

What happened
to "no sudden movements"?

Shut the gate! Shut the gate!

He looked like Daley Thompson!

More like the Daily Mail!

Quietly! Quietly!

Great plan, Foggy! Love stage one.

Now just remain motionless

while I try again to gain
the confidence of the beast.

Here, boy. There's a good donkey.

He's not a flaming budgie!

Keep your voice down
and don't interfere!

"Gain its confidence" ! The only
person I've confidence in is Digby,

who had the good sense
to stay boozing at the pub

with that other twit, Ormeroyd.

I like Ormeroyd. I'm just
surprised he's lived this long.

Steady, there.

Stand easy.

Sneaky old Napoleon!

Put the bags there.
Sit down. I'll get us a coffee.

I want TEA.

One coffee, one tea.

They don't like shopping.

Mine's the same.

Where is yours, Pearl?

I wish I knew!
That's what I'm trying to find out.

I left him cleaning windows.
I turned me back and he's gone!

At least you can
trust him with your windows.

I wouldn't trust him with mine.

He never gets in the corners.
I can't understand it.

You look at the size of him and think
he'd be ideal for getting in corners!

Was that one coffee and one tea?

I told you! ONE COFFEE, ONE TEA!

I was just checking.

I can trust mine with windows.

It's other women
I've got to watch out for.

Oh, no,
I've never had that problem.

I'm not surprised.

Has your Howard got a woman!?

I don't know if it's got
beyond the planning stage.

If I knew where he was,
I'd have a better idea.

He was talking to Norman Clegg.

I wondered if he might
be somewhere with them three.

Oh, he's not that wild,
your Howard, surely!

I mean, another woman's one thing,
but that daft lot...!

Well, we're making some progress.

It's getting to know us.

Aye. The three chuffs
it's having a right game with.

Nonsense! I'm getting the feel
of the situation now. Me, too.

I can feel it here and here.

You're not losing heart already!?

I've been probing the situation.
Assessing the enemy's strength.

I tell you - it's brighter than
all three of us. Let's go home.

Sit down, that man!

Sit!

Now, pay attention and marvel.

"Who is this tactical wizard?", you'll soon be saying.
-No.

What we'll be saying is... Enough!

It seems to me we're going
to a lot of trouble

for repeated views of a donkey's
rear disappearing in the distance.

That was stage two.
Stage three is all finesse.

There's no physical effort.
We can do it all lying down.

We're going to work for the council!

We're going to move
the beast towards the bushes,

where I will devise a cunning plan.

Well. Now then...

Where's the rope?

The rope?
-The rope?

You've not left it on your bike!?

You never said "bring the rope".

Do I have to think of everything?

Are the pains of leadership never-ending?

Sit down, you big Josephine!

What a relief it must be
to relinquish high command.

To blend in with the other ranks.

To lose oneself amongst the rabble.

He is gonna work for the council.

I've not seen your Howard.
I've not seen them dozy three today.

Your Howard will keep his sanity
much longer with another woman

than he will with them three.

I don't want him sane,
I want him monogamous.

I feel just the same.
You've got to get your priorities right.

Have you any proof
that he's got another wom...

Go on!

Have you any proof
that he's got another woman?

Not exactly proof.

Not legal proof, wife proof.

Oh, I've plenty of that.

He won't wear the same shirt
for more than two days!

He spends hours in the bathroom!

Oh, dear! Ohh!

Singing!

Is he using your talcum powder?

I think so.

Oh, the swine!

They always want
the biggest share of everything.

Especially of Original Sin.

I suppose God made 'em
to go and people the planet.

I just wish He'd give 'em a hint
when to stop.

Keep it quiet. Stop moaning.

The trained man ought to be able
to go for miles like this.

What a pair of fairies!

I think it's terrible. You come
for a stroll in the country...

On your elbows.

Next thing you know,
you're falling over couples
doing uninhibited tangos.

She looks a bit rough.

He looks familiar!

It's Howard! And Marina!

Marina!

He's got back with Marina!

Not the one he once
got us mixed up with?

Yes, that Marina. That Marina!

Let's find the donkey. It suddenly
seems much more attractive. Stay.

DOWN!

I know you're in there!

Spying on folk engaged
in innocent pastimes

which they can't do on their own!

What is it, luvvie?

If she calls me "luvvie",
it's just a figure of speech.

Where's the harm
in an extra-marital tango?

If Pearl sent you,

you can tell her
I have nothing to be ashamed of.

Except perhaps me Reverse turn with Chassis and Lift,

but I'm working on that.

A fine carry on,

when a lady becomes
the object of suspicion

simply on account of her passion
for moving rhythmically to music

with a partner of her choice.

If they're spying I'll wrap
some knuckle round their lugs!

Norman Clegg that was!
Who once dallied with my affections!

I never dallied!

I never even dillied!

Tell her I never dillied.

Where's he going?

To catch a donkey.

Damn! Are the buses
on strike again?

Not a word to Pearl about this.
I love Pearl. I respect Pearl.

But she can never keep her tempo.

You must be crackers
taking up with her again!

It's simply a shared dedication
to the ballroom dance.

If anybody asks,
I've been with you lot all day.

Look at him. Consumed with guilt.

A terrible price to pay
for a bit of fancy footwork.

Right. Right. Yahooo.

Forward!

It's not easy. I bet even Napoleon
had trouble catching donkeys!

That's it, Foggy!
Show him who's boss.