All language subtitles for S04E08 - The Bandit From Stoke-On-Trent

Regarding the question of transport,
it's very simple.

One - Sid will always drive us
in his van.

Two - Ivy won't let him.

Three - we've got no transport.

Of course, when I was in the army,

I simply had to lift the phone
and order my jeep.

You never had a jeep!

I had a jeep.

I bet it had a bell on and pedals!

What would a poxy corporal
sign-writer be doing with a jeep?!

It's unfair of you to ask me
military questions

when you know my lips
are still sealed

by the provisions
of the Official Secrets Act.

General Patton had a jeep.

Two, with pearl handles.

I don't see what we're worried
about transport for, any road.

We're not off anywhere...

Hey!

Move it! Go on.

But if we had transport, we might
have decided to go somewhere.

We might have got up this morning,
looked out over all them hills,

thought, "how boring",
and decided to go somewhere.

Where? I was speaking generally.
Hypothetically, if you like.

There's no reason for you
to be demanding specific details

in your tatty hat.

Oh, right.

Of course,
his judgment has gone to pieces.

He's bound to feel a certain
family nervousness

standing this close
to a police station.

I've got nothing to hide.

Correction.
You have got something to hide.

It's just that you're so
damn careless about hiding it.

..You fail to understand, constable,
you are talking to somebody
not altogether unknown

to certain colleagues
of yours in Stoke-on-Trent.

You've no business dealing
with me...

Look! The lesser common criminal.

It's Amos Hames.

You haven't heard the last of this.

You'll be receiving
a communication from my solicitor.

He's the biggest solicitor
in Stoke-on-Trent!

Why don't you try interviewing him?

Police corruption, that's what it
is. Corruption and sheer brutality.

Never heard anything like it.

How do, Amos?!
Oh, my God. That's a novelty.

A talking notice board. Eh up, Amos.

The nerves are all shot.
Of course they're shot.

I've just had the most unpleasant
interview with Starsky and Hutch.

Who, as a double act, will never be
as funny as Hitler and Himler.
Adolph and Heiney!

Toured Europe in the early '40s.

A gag, a goose-step und a song.
You don't get any better.

It's kind of you to say so.

Well, Compo, eh? Compo Simonite!

I thought it were thee. I thought
that's Amos coming out the porky.

The interview room.
I beg your pardon?

That's all I was
coming out of - the interview room.

Nothing criminal.
Just a small civil misunderstanding.

Well, what are you all doing,
living in that old notice board?

I mean, I knew times was hard,
but... You, Compo, you look well.

I like your socks... Considering
your overall state of health,

I think you look better... Eh, what?

I'm sorry, Foggy.

I forgot you didn't know Amos.

I haven't had that pleasure.

You'll love Amos.
He's a laugh a minute.

I'm not sure I'm so easily taken
in by that kind of superficial
charm.

Amos.

Foggy Dewhurst.

Foggy Dewhurst?

Sounds like an industrial disease!

Go on then. Say how do.

They don't need your two pen' worth.
It's not love at first sight!

No! Just a minute, just a minute!

You can see what's happened. Your
strap's got caught in mine. I know.

Why don't we just stand still?

Well, that's what
I was about to suggest.

Why don't we go for a quick one?

Did you see that man?

He could have had
the entire sleeve off.

He's not going to
bear a grudge, is he?

Don't worry thyself.
It's just that he's a bit... tall.

I mean, in some quarters, he could
be regarded as a big fellow.

Ex-regular army. He's not, is he?

Karate expert. Oh, my God!

Don't worry yourself, Amos.
He's just a big fairy.

Damn nasty, some of these fairies.

How long's thee been back,
then, Amos?

Oh, I'm just here for the day.

We used to see thee mam
now and again.

She liked to complain
about her ankles.

Oh, she had terrible ankles. Fluid.

Pardon?

It would be fluid.

What's he on about?
Fluid on the ankles.

That's what it would be.
Causes swelling.

Very common complaint,
swollen ankles.

Even horses get it.

That's why thee mam
never got better, Amos!

You should have had
her on to the vet.

He's full of tact,
your mate, isn't he?

Suggesting that my mother
suffers from a mare's complaint.

I implied no such thing.

Talking of a mayor's complaint,

have you seen that latest photograph
of the Lady Mayoress?

I was merely pointing out
the similarity between the human
and the equine foot.

What's an equine foot?
12 inches and a bit.

And the bit goes between
the teeth for steering purposes.

That's all right, Clegg.
You just talk among yourselves.

Well, I think it's time for
another round. Not for me, thanks.

Yes, well, quite often on Tuesdays,
back in the barracks,

we used to gather in the PMs
hut and do our... That doesn't
surprise me in the least.

A chuffing corporal sign-writer?

Master of the Gothic script.
Good hand with a pen, is he?

I won the Northern Command
Freehand Italic Trophy

with a little thing I knocked up
for the Adjutants Christmas party.

Well, penmanship. You know, that
is a skill I have always admired.

I'd love to trace out a picture
of our beloved Queen.

Well, I think that's
very commendable. Oh, yes.

In all her robes. Very regal.

Just how she looks
on five pound notes.

Cor blimey! Yes, your mam says
you've been living in Stoke-on-Trent.

Only for a time.

I've been moving about a bit.
I'm glad about that.

You don't like to think of anybody
being long in Stoke-on-Trent.

Our Wendy had thick ankles.

She tried everything.

Massage, exercise... Shoplifting.

That were only because
she were depressed.

Oh, I see. Would that be when
she was caught

in the Co-op or when she was caught
in the Chelsea Swinger boutique?
I don't remember.

I expect it would have been
the Co-op.

I expect everybody gets a bit
depressed in a Co-op.

I know I did.

Well, what are they after
thee for then, Amos? Who?

The constables.

It's a... trivial misunderstanding.

Bit shifty, isn't he?

He can't be all that bad,
he's getting a round in.

Trust you to be impressed
by the moral factor.

Look, I don't want to enter into
a technical discussion

about whether Amos is
or is not a criminal.

Let's start from the first principles
of common humanity

and check and see whether
you've still got your wallet.

What are you talking about?

Hey! Put it away. It's all paid for.

I've been away all these years,
scratching for a living
among the heathen...

Come back and in five minutes,
here I am, accepted.

That's what I call
friendliness and trust.

Shall we drink to that?

Friendliness and trust.

Friendliness and trust.

Friendliness and trust!

63.

70.

I wish I could learn
to chalk my cue like that.

I think that's real class being
able to chalk your cue like that.

Yes and where's he learnt it all?

You don't pick this up unless
you're in some very funny company.

What makes me shudder is I nearly
suggested playing for money.

I wouldn't mind not playing at all if
I could just chalk my cue like that.

71.

I suppose this is how
the big jobs are planned.

They thrash out the details
over innumerable games of snooker.

I wouldn't have minded
being a famous criminal.

You know, keeping a greyhound and
a bird in a flat with big knockers.

They mostly have doorbells.

I would have bought
her a white telephone.

Oh, yeah. Very suitable,
considering your sort of language.

Like an inflammable ashtray.

Red into that pocket and
then the white up there

ready for another black.
All right, partner?

Listen, Foggy, you sit there
being sceptical in this hallowed

atmosphere of stale beer and billiard
chalk, but what big jobs do you mean?

I mean, what big jobs are planned
over innumerable games of snooker?

Payrolls, banks.

Why should Amos be
doing payrolls and banks?

Listen, corner of Epworth Street.

Is that bank still open?

Whatever are you doing?

Sorry, it just seemed as though
somebody walked over me safe.

Me grave!

Not to worry. Me mum always said
on occasions like this
it were good for the carpet.

Your mum ought to know. She had it
done on more carpets than anybody
else did.

I'm perfectly all right.

Don't fuss. It's just that me
left ventricle suddenly did a flip.

I could feel it fluttering
against my ribcage

like some wild Australian budgie.
A real ocker.

That's just how my late
company commander went.

What? As an ocker? Drinking beer
in his undershirt from a can,
calling everybody Sheila?

Now, look. Don't start talking
in small groups and low tones.

Oh dear. Oh dear.

That's voodoo.

I've seen it happen time
and time again round here.

Some poor devil in bed
and then a little group

falls all talking in low tones
and the next thing you know,

they're riding in big cars
to the funeral.

It has to be faced.
It's no good shirking it.

Look, it was only a slight flutter.

I'm not going to die, am I?

We've talked it over,
and we've decided that,

under the circumstances,
it's only fair

that you should pay for the glass.

It's hardly changed at all,
do you know?

Why do you wanna know
about the bank, Amos?

Why don't you just
ask him straight out?

What are you getting so coy about?

It was you who started it.

Why do you want to know
about the bank, Amos?

I don't want him
alarming unnecessarily.

If he suspects we know anything,

we could all finish up
down some dark alley.

Eh, up. I started down some
dark alley.

What's wrong with dark alleys?

I were a slum child
and don't thee forget it.

Well, I shouldn't boast about it.
It's hardly the Kennel Club, is it?

No, but it it were
a bit like a kennel.

I remember your mam
used to bite postmen.

She was sick of receiving
begging letters.

Your mother got begging letters?

All the time, from people begging
her to stop writing begging letters.

Why are you looking
at the bank, Amos?

It's no business of ours, Amos!

Of course it's our business.

Do you know what
a small depositor is?

I mean, in addition to your ferrets.

Of course I know what
a small depositor is.

Well? There's a bit more traffic
than there used to be.

Hurry up. He's planning his getaway.

Get away! That's it, you've got it.

Now, what is a small depositor?

Shut up. I'm thinking.

Thinking?

If they ironed your brain flat,
it wouldn't make a decent beer mat.

A small depositor
is a man in the street

who happens to have
a few pounds in the bank.

I knew that. He's a liar!

Now we're getting somewhere.
You're a liar. Right.

And Foggy is a small depositor.
Very small.

And my money is in that bank.
So you see why it is my business,

if your criminal former companion

is thinking of absconding
with the contents.

Where is he? Oh, my God!

In broad daylight!

He's only looking.
That's true, Foggy.

We don't know that he
actually plans to do anything.

Did he have a bulge?

Pardon?

In his armpit.
I don't suppose he'd feel much like
robbery, Foggy, if he's got mumps.

His weapon, you fool.

I'll serve you in a
minute, Mrs Batty.

I think this white
car came in first.

It's not ours. We've never seen it
before. It just followed us here.

We tried speaking to it harshly.
Yes, I heard you.

And I'll thank you never to employ
that vocabulary again quite so
close to my sniper's ear. The what?

Sniper's ear. It's been
trained to pick up every sound.

And I heard that.

I knew there would be trouble
when three men came in backwards.

That's the first time in
20 years three men have
ever come in backwards.

You daren't turn your
back on them runaway cars.

They'll have you.
The only thing to do is to stare them
straight in the headlights.

He's not right! What were you doing
to the woman? I were staring at her
straight in the headlights.

I knew there would be trouble
when they painted them double
yellow lines down the street.

They can't park outside,
so now I've got the first drive-in
chip shop in Yorkshire.

Well, your prices have all
been fairly mobile.
There's no better value round here!

Has the instructor taken over?

No, I don't think so.

Oh, it must be awful for him.

Day after day, putting their life
in the hands of some learner's feet.

Here, her from Digby's cleaners said
her instructor was that nervous, she
couldn't stop him grabbing her leg.

I've heard about that one. With
the small beard from Arnold Street.

Still, he keeps getting them through.

Ooh!
She's too old to learn, bless her.

I don't think you can cope
with the Highway Code once you're
going through her time of life.

It's true. Nothing new comes natural
after your 45th birthday.

My husband's just wasted 4.25
on an illustrated sex manual
to find that out.

Does he want to sell it?

Oh! They're all like.
They expect life to be all model
trains and cheeky nighties!

Is it fully illustrated?

You must be joking. I couldn't eat
solid food for a week.

Oh! I wish he'd hurry up. God knows
what your friend Amos is up to
under cover of all this excitement.

We'd better get out of the way.

If she's not in reverse when
she lets that lot go, she'll be
coming through here at about 90.

Here, where's raggy britches?

Oh, he's back there somewhere.

What have you been
doing to Nora Batty?

I tried to press her
to take a warm chip.

Here, take one.
Just one, not a great handful!

No, thank you.

I don't eat chips in the street.

Where does he eat 'em, then?

In the quiet of his lonely room,
behind locked doors.

Oh, no wonder
he has to wear glasses.

Right, now where's Amos?

Oh, well...

he doesn't seem to be here.

No, he
doesn't seem to be here either.

I know he's not here,
but where is he?

Well, maybe he's gone for a coffee.

In a bank? Oh no, not in a bank.
Who says he's in a bank?

We left him staring at the bank.

Casing it. Eh up, casing it -
hark at The Godfather.

Your imagination is getting
overheated, Foggy. I mean, just
look at this bank.

Any self-respecting market trader
has a wallet bigger than that.

What he's saying, Fearless,
is why should anybody come
all the way from Stoke-on-Trent

to do a
little country bank like this? It
wouldn't even pay for the petrol.

Oh, my God, they're going to
walk straight into the waiting
arms of your friend, Amos.

Well, don't do
anything hasty, Foggy.

I'll go and see if he's in there.
You will do nothing except under
my command. This is an emergency.

Now you will station yourself on that
corner and prevent innocent civilians
from walking into the line of fire.

Oh 'eck,
his stripes are showing again.

It's not the 5th Gurkhas
you've got to play with, Foggy,

he's got an unemployed bad back
and I'm a redundant lino salesman.

Just take your cue from me.

I'm determined to seize the moment.

Halt there, man, that's far enough.

I order you to take that
money back into the van.

I'm on your side!

What the hell's going on?

It's Foggy, seizing the moment.

Let me out of here!

I insist you let me out.

How many were they?

Oh, just some lone desperado.

Terrible staring eyes.

He looked like some
sort of lunatic to me.

Yes, yes, he did.

For 20 minutes in there,
they were very suspicious.

It was as though the name
Dewhurst counted for nothing.

Didn't they know it was the
byword for being crackers?

And where were you when
the chips were down?

It's funny you should say that.

Potato prices keep falling
but how often do you find
that the chips are down?

I finally established my innocence by
means of a phone call to my solicitor

who responded promptly by saying,
"Dewhurst, do I know Dewhurst?"

It was only when I reminded him
that I'd once tried to engage him
regarding the possibility

of our making a citizen's arrest of
one of those Russians spy trawlers
that always fish inside our limits,

it was only then that he remembered
me and he said, "Oh, that Dewhurst."

Fine thanks you get for a
public-spirited gesture.

Hold there, man,

that's far enough!

Oh, you...!

Here, where is he, your pen friend?

You've not lost sight
of him again, have you?

He'll be running amok
in the High Street.

He went back home to Stoke-on-Trent
for the rest of his natural life
perhaps.

I wonder how many ever get
paroled from Stoke-on-Trent.

Oh, he sent his regards.

I wonder why it is there are
some spots you can squeeze
and some spots you can't.

There are very few spots on you
one would care to squeeze.

I meant pimples.

Oh, how fascinating.

We were married all them years
and never had children.

Do you think flannelette
causes impotence?

A funny thing about civilian life,
you can't keep your boots clean.

Dost tha believe in acupuncture?

For cleaning boots? No.

For headaches.

I believe if you had your head
stabbed often enough with a needle,
it would give you a headache, yes.

They're supposed to cure headaches.
What's all this about
acupuncture and headaches?

Have you got a headache?

No, but I were filled
with wonder at the idea that if I
did have an 'eadache,

it could be cured in a flash
by sticking a needle in my kneecap.

And another in your welly.

The Chinese go about fiddling
with needles because they haven't
got aspirin up to British standards.

Well, they've got the atom bomb.

But they've got no bombers to deliver
it with. The enemy that's due to get
it will have to go and fetch it.

It's called a Chinese takeaway.

Are you sure your dubious
friend Amos really has gone home?

He's gone home.

What was he doing in the bank?

Well, he went in to see
if they remembered him.

He wanted to cash a cheque.
But they wouldn't.

Oh, so they did remember him.

It don't matter anyroad,
Cleggy cashed it for him.

You cashed a cheque for him?
You didn't?!

You've got to have a bit of
confidence in people, Foggy.