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1
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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
1
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Help!
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00:00:06,100 --> 00:00:10,440
Ow! That hurts like a motherfucker!
3
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Ow!
4
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Possum tits, that hurts!
5
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_
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Abigail.
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Oh, no!
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Abigail.
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Uh...
10
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Oh, that's not right. Uh...
11
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- Ah!
- Oh.
12
00:00:40,774 --> 00:00:42,105
Ah! Monster!
13
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Abigail, it's me, it's Gilbert!
14
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What? Who?
15
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Gilbert, your, um, husband.
16
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Who you loved before the amnesia.
17
00:00:49,574 --> 00:00:51,029
Nice try, Gilbert.
18
00:00:51,030 --> 00:00:52,420
What are you doing here?
19
00:00:52,440 --> 00:00:54,200
Well, I like a little self-care too,
20
00:00:54,210 --> 00:00:56,245
but, uh, I saw your pubic message
21
00:00:56,246 --> 00:00:57,917
and I wanted to make sure you were safe.
22
00:00:57,918 --> 00:01:00,165
That's very kind,
but you smell like sushi
23
00:01:00,166 --> 00:01:01,953
that's been sprayed with men's cologne.
24
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Well, what happened here?
25
00:01:03,340 --> 00:01:06,480
Well, I was taking a nice sauna,
26
00:01:06,490 --> 00:01:09,425
and someone locked me in there
and turned up the heat.
27
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It was more terrifying
28
00:01:11,893 --> 00:01:14,885
than that solstice vaginal
steam I had earlier.
29
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Hey, I got that one too.
30
00:01:20,766 --> 00:01:21,894
Ding-dong.
31
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I don't like just laying
here and doing nothing!
32
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I feel as useless as a
penis at the Lilith Fair!
33
00:01:31,420 --> 00:01:34,490
Aunt Abigail, I know
you're a real tough bitch.
34
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But you have to let me help you.
35
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So let me help you!
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Listen to your niece.
37
00:01:40,480 --> 00:01:42,410
Jerry, what are you doing in my bedroom?
38
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Did you just let yourself in?
39
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Well, I don't mean to intrude,
but I took the liberty
40
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of hiring you a bodyguard
for the next few weeks.
41
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I can't have you dying before
you finish your next novel.
42
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You got a really weird sense of humor.
43
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I am trying to lighten the mood
and make you feel safer.
44
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This is your bodyguard whose name is...
45
00:02:03,146 --> 00:02:04,935
- Yoda.
- Yoda.
46
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Wait, that... That can't be right.
47
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You're named after Yoda?
48
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Jedi master Yoda?
49
00:02:11,196 --> 00:02:14,470
Resident of Dagobah?
Original seat on the...
50
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My parents named me Yoda way
before those stupid movies!
51
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Everything was fine and then
Empire Strikes Back comes out
52
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and Yoda's the name of
a weird, little monster.
53
00:02:24,044 --> 00:02:25,499
Okay, well, uh...
54
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Yoda will be at your
front door all night
55
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so that you can finally get some sleep.
56
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Nah, we don't need him.
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I'm actually incredibly strong
and can really fuck someone up.
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Bring it.
59
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It's all right, Heidi.
60
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I'm too tired to argue tonight.
Let the men be men.
61
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- Well, then it's settled.
- All right.
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Everyone, get out. My aunt
needs some beauty sleep.
63
00:02:45,660 --> 00:02:48,980
Beauty sleep? You could not
get any more beautiful.
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00:02:48,984 --> 00:02:52,818
No need to butter me up like a
hunk of hot sourdough, Jerry.
65
00:02:52,824 --> 00:02:55,279
Abigail, your skin looks amazing.
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That mud mask did wonders.
67
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Shoo.
68
00:03:00,116 --> 00:03:01,245
Aunt Abigail?
69
00:03:01,246 --> 00:03:04,205
I'm gonna sleep in the
dogs' room tonight
70
00:03:04,206 --> 00:03:05,793
so that you can rest.
71
00:03:05,794 --> 00:03:06,809
All right.
72
00:03:06,810 --> 00:03:08,626
Now get some sleep.
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00:03:36,925 --> 00:03:39,953
Ah, yeah. Oh, I...
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Yoda.
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To jail you are going.
76
00:03:49,620 --> 00:03:50,668
Why'd you say it like that?
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That's how Yoda speaks in Star Wars.
78
00:03:52,626 --> 00:03:55,005
Never saw it, but let me try.
79
00:03:56,256 --> 00:04:01,469
Abigail, I am your killer.
80
00:04:01,470 --> 00:04:03,060
You sure you've not seen the films?
81
00:04:03,070 --> 00:04:05,353
Because that sounds like Darth Vader.
82
00:04:05,354 --> 00:04:07,482
Don't talk about my little brother!
83
00:04:07,483 --> 00:04:12,775
Time to say goodnight
forever, Mrs. Mapleworth.
84
00:04:12,776 --> 00:04:14,296
Think, Abigail.
85
00:04:15,339 --> 00:04:17,945
How would you write
yourself out of this one?
86
00:04:21,134 --> 00:04:25,419
Mrs. Mapleworth froze as her
nemesis moved towards her
87
00:04:25,420 --> 00:04:27,119
in all his hunkiness.
88
00:04:27,120 --> 00:04:30,560
She was reminded of a recent
self-defense class she attended,
89
00:04:30,570 --> 00:04:32,989
taught by a handsome woman named Dallas,
90
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who had arms of steel and
fingers like feathers.
91
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Hyah!
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You're a force of nature, Mapleworth!
93
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Are you dating anyone?
94
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Namaste on the floor, dipshit.
95
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Mrs. Mapleworth.
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Ha!
97
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And this!
98
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And another one of these, and...
99
00:04:59,736 --> 00:05:03,574
And we have a double elbow
to the testiculars.
100
00:05:05,055 --> 00:05:07,325
Get your ass out of my face!
101
00:05:09,720 --> 00:05:11,915
Don't move! Don't move a muscle.
102
00:05:12,700 --> 00:05:14,501
- What?
- I got flustered.
103
00:05:14,960 --> 00:05:17,670
Aunt Abigail, are you okay?
104
00:05:18,384 --> 00:05:19,750
I'm peachy.
105
00:05:19,760 --> 00:05:21,420
You are going to jail.
106
00:05:21,426 --> 00:05:22,879
For attempted murder.
107
00:05:22,880 --> 00:05:25,219
What's your name? What's your name?!
108
00:05:25,220 --> 00:05:27,055
- His name's Yoda.
- Yoda?
109
00:05:27,056 --> 00:05:28,893
As in pointy-ear Chihuahua Yoda?
110
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It's a pretty stupid name.
111
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Pewntz! Cuff him!
112
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- He's not here.
- He's not here.
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Hold this, hold this, hold this.
114
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Mm-hm.
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Yeah, have that smirk on your face
116
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when you get in that bunk
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with your cellmate who likes to spoon.
118
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Hey, where'd you get
these from, Toys "R" Us?
119
00:05:49,457 --> 00:05:52,609
Shut up. So we finally
found the murderer.
120
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No, Bills.
121
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- Yoda is simply a paid assassin.
- Assassin!
122
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All the black outfit, I knew it!
123
00:05:58,756 --> 00:06:00,795
Same thing happens in all
the James Bond movies.
124
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Dude always wears black.
125
00:06:01,926 --> 00:06:04,259
- He is not the murderer.
- Not the murderer!
126
00:06:04,264 --> 00:06:06,845
I was gonna say that until
you stole my words.
127
00:06:06,846 --> 00:06:11,353
But now, I know who
the real murderer is.
128
00:06:11,354 --> 00:06:12,499
Don't worry, Morty.
129
00:06:12,500 --> 00:06:14,340
Even though Mrs. Mapleworth is unable
130
00:06:14,350 --> 00:06:17,520
to finish her new novel
because she's dead,
131
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I have something I think
you're gonna like a lot more.
132
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Hello, Jerry.
133
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Abigail.
134
00:06:25,946 --> 00:06:28,453
You're alive! I mean, you're not dead.
135
00:06:28,454 --> 00:06:30,619
I mean, you're alive. Damn it!
136
00:06:30,620 --> 00:06:32,538
- What's this, Jerry?
- No, nothing!
137
00:06:32,540 --> 00:06:34,039
Oh, you thought with me out of the way,
138
00:06:34,040 --> 00:06:35,950
you could sell Morty some
of your own writing?
139
00:06:35,956 --> 00:06:38,713
No! No, I mean, I wrote it.
It's my first novel.
140
00:06:38,714 --> 00:06:40,965
But it's pretty good if you ask me.
141
00:06:40,966 --> 00:06:42,220
"Something incredible happened
142
00:06:42,221 --> 00:06:45,759
and I'm going to tell you the
whole entire story right here."
143
00:06:45,764 --> 00:06:48,973
That's terrible writing,
it's really shit.
144
00:06:48,974 --> 00:06:50,845
And what is this trash font?
145
00:06:50,846 --> 00:06:52,893
Comic Sans Any Talent?
146
00:06:52,894 --> 00:06:55,475
Fine, I get it. Sprinks stinks.
147
00:06:55,476 --> 00:06:57,983
Call me crazy, but I wouldn't
mind reading that.
148
00:06:57,984 --> 00:06:59,442
Shame on you, Jerry!
149
00:06:59,443 --> 00:07:00,980
Trying to get me out of the way
150
00:07:00,990 --> 00:07:02,905
in order to further your own career?
151
00:07:02,906 --> 00:07:04,405
I would never in...
152
00:07:04,406 --> 00:07:06,784
You would and you did! Take him away!
153
00:07:06,785 --> 00:07:07,800
Oh, thank God,
154
00:07:07,820 --> 00:07:10,453
for once we're gonna get a
long, drawn-out Maple log.
155
00:07:10,454 --> 00:07:12,160
But how did you know it was him?
156
00:07:12,161 --> 00:07:14,037
Please explain it to us in detail.
157
00:07:14,038 --> 00:07:16,159
You stupid asshole!
158
00:07:16,160 --> 00:07:19,550
Well, I was initially
suspicious of Jerry
159
00:07:19,580 --> 00:07:21,293
when he complimented my skin.
160
00:07:21,294 --> 00:07:23,180
There were only three people who knew
161
00:07:23,200 --> 00:07:25,580
that I had a mud mask on at that spa.
162
00:07:25,600 --> 00:07:29,678
Myself, Gilbert and the person
that locked me into the sauna.
163
00:07:29,684 --> 00:07:30,845
This is ridiculous.
164
00:07:30,846 --> 00:07:35,435
And he's my agent, that's why all
the books were in the car's trunk.
165
00:07:35,436 --> 00:07:36,975
What about the orange nail polish?
166
00:07:36,976 --> 00:07:38,896
It wasn't orange nail polish at all.
167
00:07:38,897 --> 00:07:41,040
It was orange-colored pencil.
168
00:07:41,070 --> 00:07:42,740
The same pencil he uses
169
00:07:42,760 --> 00:07:44,190
to edit all my books.
170
00:07:44,196 --> 00:07:47,905
And also to do his color-by-number
paintings in his office.
171
00:07:47,906 --> 00:07:49,655
What about the tissues?
172
00:07:49,656 --> 00:07:51,913
Clearly, he has an insatiable
masturbation habit.
173
00:07:51,914 --> 00:07:54,119
He likes to pop his Perignon.
174
00:07:54,120 --> 00:07:56,060
That is a disgusting lie.
175
00:07:56,070 --> 00:07:57,880
I shove tissues down
the front of my pants
176
00:07:57,890 --> 00:08:00,875
to create a bigger pelvic topography.
177
00:08:00,876 --> 00:08:03,383
That's not better.
178
00:08:03,384 --> 00:08:06,465
Okay, fine, you know what?
Yes, I tried to kill you.
179
00:08:06,466 --> 00:08:07,879
I'm sorry.
180
00:08:07,880 --> 00:08:10,220
I loved watching you fly at first,
181
00:08:10,230 --> 00:08:13,095
but then I wanted to
be the one with wings.
182
00:08:13,096 --> 00:08:15,433
I guess I should have
told you a long time ago.
183
00:08:15,434 --> 00:08:17,040
Jerry, if you told me a long time ago,
184
00:08:17,050 --> 00:08:18,313
I would have fired you.
185
00:08:18,314 --> 00:08:20,562
I don't want to mentor anyone.
186
00:08:22,000 --> 00:08:24,274
Well, of course,
besides my niece, Heidi.
187
00:08:24,780 --> 00:08:27,230
I think we actually mentor
each other, don't we?
188
00:08:28,717 --> 00:08:30,575
- Okay.
- Gilbert, cuff him.
189
00:08:30,576 --> 00:08:32,989
This is the hardest part of my job.
190
00:08:32,990 --> 00:08:34,048
Because I'm not good at these.
191
00:08:34,050 --> 00:08:36,245
I'm not really good at
putting this... Ow.
192
00:08:36,246 --> 00:08:37,557
- You okay?
- Yeah, I'm all right.
193
00:08:37,559 --> 00:08:38,975
- Watch your thumb this time.
- Okay.
194
00:08:38,977 --> 00:08:40,875
- There we go.
- Is that too tight?
195
00:08:40,876 --> 00:08:42,665
- No, that's fine.
- All right.
196
00:08:42,666 --> 00:08:44,673
I want to thank all of you.
197
00:08:44,674 --> 00:08:46,215
Minus Jerry.
198
00:08:46,216 --> 00:08:49,299
Heidi, thank you for saving me
from the dildo stick of dynamite.
199
00:08:49,300 --> 00:08:52,520
Chief Bills, thank you
for saving me from Yoda.
200
00:08:52,540 --> 00:08:54,934
And, Gilbert, thank you for rescuing me
201
00:08:54,935 --> 00:08:58,140
from Crock-Potting it in the sauna.
202
00:08:58,170 --> 00:09:02,315
Well, I guess there's just one
last mystery for me to solve.
203
00:09:02,316 --> 00:09:05,275
I can't find my favorite
neck massager...
204
00:09:05,276 --> 00:09:07,109
Purple Princess.
205
00:09:18,020 --> 00:09:21,450
- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.MY-SUBS.com --
14874
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