All language subtitles for Love Type D 2019

[♪]

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]

FRANKIE:
Three-point-eight seconds.

That"s how often you think
about the other person

when you fall in love.

It"s a lot, isn't it?

They say it"s to do
with chemicals.

That rush of endorphins you get

every time
they send you an emoticon.

I met Thomas a year ago today
on the Piccadilly line.

I was getting dumped
by some idiot

and Thomas overheard.

He was so sweet and kind
and he made me feel better.

And I just knew immediately

that he was the one
I had been searching for.

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

Frankie?

- Yes?
- I"m Wilbur Asquith-Lacey.

Thomas" brother.

I didn"t know
Thomas had a brother.

Half brother.
We share a father.

Okay. Um...

It"s lovely to meet you.
What a surprise.

You can tell me
all the secrets about Thomas

before he gets here.
Oh, excuse me!

Could we get another
place made up, please?

- We"re going to be three.
- Oh, I"m not staying.

I just came to give you
a message from Thomas.

He"s sorry
he couldn"t come himself.

And he didn"t want to call
or send a text message.

And I still owed him a favor

from when he let me
borrow his tent.

He wanted me to tell you
that you"re a lovely person.

Oh, well, that"s very nice.
Thank you.

But, um, you see,
he"s a bit tied up at the moment

and he"s got
a lot of work and things,

so he can"t make it to lunch.

And, um, he"s not really looking
for a relationship right now.

- What?
- He wanted me to make it clear

that it"s nothing to do
with you personally.

So Thomas sent you here

to break up with me?

Yes.

[WHISPERS]
Right.

Oh, uh, you needn"t worry
about that.

It"s just going to be one.

Only one?

Yes.

What...?
Um, what kind of a grown man

sends a 10-year-old child...

I"m 11, actually.
Twelve in October.

So, what, you... You dump
all his girlfriends, do you?

Oh, no. This is the first time.

Well, I"d better be going.
I"m late for an oboe lesson.

Did he give a reason?

Not as far as I recall.

We talked mainly about the tent.

There was a small hole,

and Thomas was
quite angry about it.

Bon appétit.

[SIMON LOVE"S "THE BALLAD
OF SIMON LOVE" PLAYING]

You know what?
You are a real wanker.

And a coward.
If you wanna break up with me,

then you can do it face to face.

[BUZZING]

Thomas.

Open the door!

Henry! Henry!

Have you seen Thomas today?

No. We thought he was with you.

He was supposed to be,
but he broke up with me.

He didn"t do it himself.
He sent a relative.

Uh, yes.

[SOFT JAZZ PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]

[♪]

Thomas" brother!

Thomas" brother?

I need to talk to you!

[GLASS SHATTERS]
Sorry.

Are those things for Thomas?

[♪]

[PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[ALL CHEERING]

[SNIFFLING]

I"m a qualified first aider,

in case you"re in need
of assistance.

You knew and you didn"t tell me.

How long has he known her?

Um, since Wednesday, I believe.

What, as in four days ago?

Yes.

Where did he meet her?

He was doing some work
which involved NASA.

NASA? Yes. She"s an astronaut.

What, she actually
goes into space and things?

Yes.

I can"t believe
this is happening again!

I thought that this was my year!

There are six months left.

Yeah. Yeah, but I need
more than six months.

Six months is
quite a long time, you know.

I mean, Christopher Columbus
discovered the Bahamas,

Cuba and the Dominican Republic
in four.

So in six months,
you could discover

four and a half countries.

I don"t want
to discover any countries.

Did he...? Did he say anything?
Did he mention me at all?

No. Not... Not really.

You"d better
get back to the party.

Hold on.

What if the reason
why Thomas broke up with you

had nothing to do with Cecilia?

It could be because
you"re in the dumpee category.

- The what?
- These geneticists

did an interesting study.
I read about it the other day.

Come on, guys.
They found

that people can be split
into two categories,

dumpers and dumpees.

- We need to go now.
- Everyone in the dumpee category,

well, they always get dumped.

[♪]

[QUIETLY] Don"t tell anyone, but
four people are getting sacked.

What?

Amanda told me
at the water cooler.

They"re downsizing
the department.

- Who?
- I suppose they do

some kind of performance chart
or something.

And the ones on the bottom...

Frankie, get me a coffee
and come to my office.

Two minutes, yeah?

- You wanted to see me.
- Yeah.

Uh, this is John,
the new intern.

I want you
to show him around, okay?

How to use the photocopier,
stuff like that.

Off you pop.

JOHN: Well, this is such
a great opportunity, so...

Um, did Marianne want this
one-sided or double-sided?

Well,
she"s a climate-change denier,

so one-sided should be fine.

If someone has to get sacked,
it should be Malcolm.

If he gets sacked, he might
go jump off Westminster Bridge.

He"s been on antidepressants
since his wife left him.

He won"t find
another job at his age.

FRANKIE:
Well, then, Andy. It has to be Andy.

You remember that time
he spent the whole week

living
in the stationery cupboard.

Ah, but, poor lamb,

his girlfriend accidentally
hit him with her car

and then dumped him
in the ambulance.

And Jenny.

- She"s gone through enough.
- No, can"t be Jenny.

Her husband leaving her when
she was five months pregnant.

Your boyfriends before Trevor,

did they break up with you
or did you break up with them?

I suppose they broke up with me.

Apart from the Italian.

He just didn"t
show up at the airport

when I arrived with my stuff,

having quit my job
to move there and be with him.

MALCOLM: Hello.

Hi.

Um, Malcolm?

Mm?

Before you married Sue,

your other girlfriends,

did they dump you as well?

What? What are you asking
me that for?

I"m just doing a survey for HR.

HR?

Why do HR want to know?

Um, you know,
to, uh, help evaluate

people"s work performance.

What, do they not think
I"m performing well?

No.

No?

Um, so...

have you ever
broken up with anyone?

Well... no.

But that doesn"t impact

on my ability to do my job.

No, of course not.

How many times in your life
have you been dumped?

What?

It"s, um... It's odd, I know,

uh, but everyone in the office
is going to have to answer it.

Uh, no, not many.
Well, Elliott, obviously.

[LAUGHS]

He wants to bring
his new girlfriend to the birth.

I haven"t said no, 'cause
I don"t want to be the bad guy.

He says it would be
really healing for me,

to see his love, you know?

Give me hope that there
might be some in my future.

[LAUGHS]

How many, um...

- girlfriends?
- Mm-hmm.

Six fiancées.

All of them left me.

Ooh, loads.

[LAUGHS]

I"ve had loads of girls.

Write that down.

Does it count if I knew

we were going out,
but she didn"t?

[WHISPERS]
No.

No. Two.

- Did they end it with you?
- Nah, nah. No.

No way. I end it with them!

Well, what about Trisha?

She broke up with you
at the Christmas party.

There"s something
you need to know, okay?

Trisha is a bitch.

I"ll keep
this, uh, suicide note,

but, um, I just think

you need to sort out
some therapy for Jonathan,

because, uh,
it"s definitely over.

Michael, broke up with him
because of the shoes.

Tyrone, yeah, cried.
Cried too much at films.

Broke up with him.

Derek, had to break up with
him, my mom didn"t like him.

I"m getting remarried.
Yeah, he"s a concert pianist.

Yeah. Yeah, gorgeous.

Yeah. Yeah,
like textbook gorgeous.

In fact, he is actually
in a textbook

that plastic surgeons use.

Yeah, for, like,
the perfect nose.

FRANKIE:
So there are two categories of people.

And I"m in the wrong one.

I"ve been dumped the third
most times in the office.

Ever since I was 12
and I first fell in love,

things kept turning out badly.

It was 2005,
and I had been voted

most likely to succeed, age 12.

And then Gary Wild was
transferred to our school.

[ENGINE REVVING]

He was reckless and dangerous

in a way that other
12-year-old boys were not.

The four and a half days
we went out

were the happiest in my life.

And then Gary asked me
to run away with him.

We"ll travel round the country.
It"ll be the trip of a lifetime.

But my dinner"s going to be
ready in an hour

and I"ve got a flute lesson
tomorrow morning.

I need more notice
to run away spontaneously, Gary.

You"re dumped.

- What?
- And you"re uninvited.

This was gonna be
the best trip ever.

And you"re gonna miss out.

But, Gary...

Don"t expect a postcard
because I wont send one.

You"re going to regret this.

[ENGINE STARTS]

Gary!

Gary!

And I did regret it.

All these years, I wished
I"d had the courage to go.

Maybe things in my life would
have turned out differently.

Thomas" brother!

Thomas" brother!

I have been blessed
with my own form of address.

- What"s your name again?
- Wilbur.

Have you seen Thomas today?

I can"t divulge that,
I"m afraid.

Why not?[SIGHS]

I"m under strict instructions
not to speak to you.

Not to speak to me?

What, Thomas told you
not to speak to me?

[SIGHS]
Yes. Goodbye.

Well, why did he tell you
not to speak to me?

What else did he say?

Has he expressed any regret

- at breaking up with me?
- Uh, no. No.

Did he say anything else?

He said I have to pick up
his dry cleaning for two weeks

as a punishment
for botching the task.

- That"s unbelievable.
- It"ll be four weeks

if he finds out
I"ve spoken to you.

I don"t want
to get you in trouble.

I wanted to ask you a question
about that study you mentioned

with the categories of people.

It"s genetic,
which category you"re in.

- What?
- These scientists,

they studied thousands of
couples over a period of years.

And they could predict
with 100 percent accuracy

who would terminate
the relationship.

No.
Yes.

All the individuals
who got dumped

had an active gene ACDN7.

And you think I have this gene,
the dumpee one?

It was just a speculation.

How come no one else
has heard about it?

They will hear about it,
soon enough.

The paper"s going to be
published in...

Scientist Today.

Well, this paper,
could I read it then?

Oh, no, no, no.
No space sherbets.

I don"t like them.

I lent it to Barnaby, along
with a very interesting study

- on the honeybee.
- Sorry, who"s Barnaby?

Excuse me.

The, uh, scientific paper
on relationships?

I"d like to read it
if you"ve finished with it.

Those papers
I lent you a week ago.

[♪]

WILBUR:
Orchestra practice starts in ten minutes.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS ON VIDEO]

ELSA: If he "s going to dump you,
wouldn"t you rather know now?

Instead of waiting three years

and paying his share of the rent
while he"s in grad school.

Your time is precious.

That"s why at Epigenica

we offer the first and only

100 percent accurate
Type D test.

Using state-of-the-art
technology, this test detects

the presence of the D-type gene

So if you"re suffering

from chronic rejection
and heartbreak,

book your appointment today.

[♪]

Hello.

I"m here for an appointment.

Fill that out and come back.

[♪]

[CHIMES]
Waiting room D.

Down the hall on the right.

Please take a seat.
We"re about to begin.

Hello, everyone.
My name is Dr. Elsa Blomgren,

and I"m thrilled to be here
with you today.

I know a lot of you
feel like losers.

Well, I am here for you.

You"ve often felt
disappointed with life.

You try not to get too excited

when something good
happens to you,

because you know it won"t last.

And you"ve never won a contest

or a board game
or even a scratch card.

Every single person with whom
you"ve fallen in love

has left you.

Even your childhood pet
ran away.

Testing positive
is nothing to be scared of.

In study after study, Epigenica
patented hobby therapy

has been proven to release
the same endorphins as sex.

Although it may seem daunting
never to date again,

95 percent of patients
say their quality of life

has improved drastically with
celibacy and hobby therapy.

Sorry, madam, I need
to ask you to step outside.

Your card was declined.
You can"t be in that room.

I was told to go in there
by the lady at the desk.

That may be,
but this isn"t a charity.

It"s a private
research facility.

If you can"t afford the
therapy, you can"t be tested.

[♪]

[PHONE CHIMES]

[LINE RINGING]

WOMAN: This is Epigenica, the
world leader in Type D testing.

Oh, yes, hello.
Um, my name is Martha,

and I"m calling
from Scientist Today.

Uh, I would like to talk
to Dr. Elsa Blomgren

or Dr. Richard Breakwell.

One moment please.

[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS ON PHONE]

- This is Dr. Elsa Blomgren.
- Yes, hello.

My name is, uh, Martha
from Scientist Today.

We"re very excited
about your, um... Your study,

and we would like to run

a human-interest piece
in our magazine

with your paper alongside it.

And we were thinking

that maybe, um, a journalist
could be tested for these genes.

[LAUGHS LOUDLY]

[♪]

Actually, could... Could we make
that a couple of journalists?

We can probably
accommodate that.

Okay, great! Um, great.

[LAUGHING]
Oh! Oh!

Frankie! Frankie!

You"ll never guess
what happened last night.

I went for a drink
with that intern.

You know, the sexy one.

Well, he ended up
staying the night.

[LAUGHS]
It was amazing!

Oh, my God, here he is now!

[PHONE KEYBOARD CLICKING]
Do I look all right?

- Yes, you look great.
- Okay.

[GASPS]
Oh.

Come with me.

I think John the intern
just blanked you

because of a medical condition
that you have.

My eczema?

This is something completely
different. It"s something...

I think I might have too.

It"s kind of, um,
a gene that means

that we will always
and forever be dumped.

A gene that makes us get dumped.

[LAUGHS]
God!

I thought you were
being serious.

I am serious. Just think
about it for a minute.

I mean, there are
people in life, right,

who are successful in every
single area of their life

again and again and again,

and then there are
people like us.

It"s not luck or chance
or anything like that.

I think it"s this gene.

- I... I don"t know about this.
- Deb, we"ll do it together.

Put this end on your finger.

And then push the other end.

One, two, three,

Ouch!

- You okay?
- Stings.

[BEEPS, THEN CHIMES]

RECORDED VOICE:
You have tested positive

for the Type D gene.

[RECORDED VOICE
SPEAKS IN FRENCH]

The dumpee gene.
We have the dumpee gene.

[♪]

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]

FRANKIE: Thomas!

Frankie, hi.

How are you?

- I"m okay.
- Listen,

I should have been
in contact sooner.

And I"m really glad
you"re here today

for this chance meeting.

You are?
Yes.

I want to say sorry to you.

I never wanted to hurt you
or anything like that.

And I do still
really care about you.

Thank you for your apology.

I, um...

I wanted to see you today,

because I"ve come across
some information about myself.

It"s, um, medical information,

and I think
it explains quite a lot.

Wait, wait, wait, wait,
Do I need to get tested?

Oh, no. No, no. It"s nothing...
Nothing like that.

- Oh. Good.
- No, it"s information

that suggests maybe you didn"t
want to break up with me

but you were forced to
by factors beyond your control.

Frankie, you are
a wonderful woman.

One day you"ll make
somebody very happy,

but that will not be me.

I do not deserve you. Now, I...

- I really have to be somewhere.
- No, no.

If you could just give
me five... Five more minutes.

I have to... Sorry.

FRANKIE: There are certain
breakups that stick in your mind

because of their traumatic,
dreadful nature.

There are certain people
that even after years

you wouldn"t wanna run into.

And one of those people
was Oliver.

Oliver was so creative

and very open
about his feelings.

We"d talk for hours.

We went out for five months,

which was a record
at our school.

Oliver used to love
making up little songs.

And when he told me
he"d written one for me,

I was so excited.

♪ Frankie

♪ Your face is beautiful

♪ And your eyes put me
In the biggest trance ♪

♪ You"ve been on my mind ♪

♪ Till last Thursday

♪ Which is
Oh, when I saw you dance ♪

♪ You"ve got two left feet
No sense of beat ♪

♪ You make me
Want to go retreat ♪

♪ Your mom"s your chaperone ♪

♪ Hanging round like
An old Toblerone ♪

♪ But do I care about
Any stupid things like that? ♪

Yeah.

♪ I could do better than you

♪ So much better

♪ Plenty more fish in the sea
For me ♪

♪ I could do better than you
A chunk of cheddar will do ♪

♪ A slice of bread with cheese
And pickles better than you ♪

♪ I liked you last week
But I don"t like you now ♪

♪ I could do better than you
So much better ♪

♪ Plenty more fish in the sea
For me... ♪

FRANKIE: The song went viral.[ALL LAUGHING]

Four million people
watched Oliver"s rendition

of "Goodbye Frankie," including
all the kids at my school.

♪ ...now

It was awful.

[REMOTE CONTROL BEEPING]

Hello.

If you see a white mouse,

please let me know immediately.

Barnaby left the cage door open,

and all the subjects
for the experiment escaped.

- I need to speak to you.
- I"m not really supposed to be

speaking to you.
I did inform you before.

That is ridiculous. But anyway,
look, this is very important.

That gene you mentioned,
well, I got tested,

and you"re right,
I tested positive.

- How did you get tested?
- I called up the scientists

and pretended
to be a journalist.

And then...
Then they sent me these.

What am I supposed to do?

I mean, what"s the point
of going out with someone

if you know how it"s gonna end?

And the scientists
say there"s no cure.

They just recommend
celibacy and hobby therapy.

I don"t want to be
in this category.

I wanna be in the other category
of people in life.

[CELL PHONE RINGING][REMOTE
CONTROL BEEPING]

- Hello?
- JOHN: It"s an emergency.

Uh, yes, I"m on my way.
Marianne needs a yogurt.

Uh, can you come
to an emergency meeting?

Right now.

An emergency meeting for what?

Debra"s told us about some gene
she thinks we might all have

- that affects our love lives?
- I only told two of them.

Then they blabbed.

I haven"t got the loser gene.
Some of youse might have it.

- Deepak definitely has it.
- I don"t have it!

In fact,
there"s a few more journalists

who would like to be tested

and then write
human-interest pieces.

Yes. So if, um...

If you could just send
over a few more tests or...

Or maybe just a large box.

MULTIPLE RECORDED VOICES:
You have tested positive

for the Type D gene.

[RECORDED VOICES REPEAT
IN FOREIGN LANGUAGES]

Marianne wants to know
why you"re all

not at her promotion
and engagement party.

Um, we were just on our way.

[DISCO MUSIC PLAYS][INDISTINCT
CONVERSATION]

There must be
some kind of mistake.

I mean, me? Me?

Before, there was
always the possibility

that things might get better,

but now we know...

they never will.

But I have so much love to give.

[NEWS PROGRAM THEME MUSIC
PLAYS ON TV]

A massive explosion tore
through the Epigenica lab

in north London last night,

killing leading scientist
Richard Breakwell.

His fellow prize winner
Elsa Blomgren

is currently in a coma.

The two scientists were
reportedly close

to curing a genetic defect

that affects one third
of the population,

but all of their research was
destroyed in the explosion.

Dr. Blomgren remains
in intensive care

at St. James" Hospital.

[WOMAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY
OVER PA]

Can I help you?

Yes, I"m just looking
for a patient.

Uh, Elsa Blomgren.

Okay, well, you can"t
just walk into wards.

Are you a family member?

Yes, I"m... I'm her niece.

[♪]

[CHAIR CREAKING]

Even though
your genius discovery

totally ruined my life,

I"m sorry this happened to you.

Is there anyone else
working on a cure?

Just tap your finger for yes.

[♪]

[DOOR CREAKS]

Thank you for coming.
Please take a seat.

After I saw you last,

Barnaby and I decided
to test ourselves.

Strictly
for scientific purposes.

But our result was surprising.

We didn"t test positive
for either gene.

I decided to do
a controlled experiment.

We tested all the boys
in upper fourth.

They also didn"t appear
to have either gene.

All except one.

Hugo Humphries.

He has the dumpee gene,

just like you.

On investigation,

it turned out Hugo
recently went out with a girl,

a family friend called Jenny
during an Easter holiday.

And Jenny broke up with Hugo
on his return to school.

Here is a list of boys
in upper fourth

who haven"t had a romance.

Here is a list of boys in upper
fourth who have had a romance.

And look again
at their results for the gene.

Is it a coincidence?

Or could Hugo"s first
romantic disappointment

be some kind of trigger,

activating
the heretofore passive gene?

I propose that the outcome
of your first romance

- sets a pattern.
- Your first romance?

There will be an opportunity
for questions at the end.

If an event can trigger
the gene to switch on,

then surely
reversing the same event

can trigger the gene
to switch off.

There is a way
to change category...

by dumping everyone
who"s ever dumped you,

thereby effectively
reversing history.

If this works, then this would
change the world as we know it.

It would open the door
to switching off genes

for cancer and other diseases.

It will save millions of lives

and be one of the most important
scientific discoveries

of the modern age.

Now, are there any questions?

Do you honestly think
this will work?

It"s already worked
for Hugo Humphries.

Hugo got Jenny to date him again

and dumped her immediately.
After breaking up with Jenny,

Hugo tested negative
for the gene.

And look at this graph.

In the days that followed,

Hugo scored 14 goals
in the away match.

He normally scores zero.

He inherited £3000
from a distance great aunt

and he has a new girlfriend
called Laura,

who he met
at the ice cream parlor.

- Okay.
- I"m going to submit this

to the Blackfriars
school science prize.

I"d like you to be
the second subject.

You"ll need to dump
everyone by the 23rd,

and I"ll need you
to sign this... there.

It"s just that
he only had to dump one person.

I would have to dump
quite a few.

I"m sure you could do it
if you put your mind to it.

Can you date it as well?
Just there.

Well, what if they"re married?

Or... Or if they live
in Australia?

I mean, my first boyfriend
was before we moved out,

so I"d have to fly
all the way back there.

Or... Or if they just
don"t like me?

I"d have to get Thomas to break
up with Cecilia for me

and then dump him.

It"s impossible.

How many are there anyway?
Two? Three?

Mm... Uh...

[♪]

I didn"t imagine this many.

No, it won"t work.

It"d take forever.

We"ll just have to look
for another subject.

And you"ll just have to stay
a dumpee. Thanks anyway, though.

- Bye-bye.
- No, no, no!

I don"t want to stay a dumpee.

I can give this a real try.
I"ll give it a go.

No, it would take a lifetime.

Well, there"s not that many.

I mean, it"s not impossible.
Not if I put my mind to it.

I mean, that first one.
He might be in Australia,

but that"s...
That"s a short flight.

And scientific progress
is difficult.

You said that yourself.

[♪]

So, what we have to do
is dump everyone

who"s ever dumped us.

And then we reverse
the genetic pattern.

- Everyone who"s ever dumped us?
- Yes.

- All of them?
- Yes.

Do you want your luck
to go up this steeply?

- ALL: Yes.
- This boy"s whole life changed.

And it can happen for us too.

Yeah, but, but this boy
only had to dump one person.

We"d have to dump loads.

I wouldn"t know where to begin.

- Can we not just dump one?
- One would be more manageable.

Look, we have
a chance to change everything.

And this sort of unwillingness

is reflective
of a self-defeating attitude,

which is gonna keep you dumpees.

We are never going
to love someone again.

And no one is
ever going to love us again.

And instead we"re going to what?

We"re going to make mosaics?

This is a chance
to change everything.

And you"re not going to take it
because it"s too much effort.

Yo, what"s happening?
Miss anything?

Yes. Yes, you did.
There"s a cure for the gene.

Wow! Yeah, tell me.

We go out with everyone
we"ve ever been out with

and then we dump them.

Yeah, let"s do it.
I can do that.

I"ll just call and say,
"Hey babe, you"re dumped."

Done, gone. Just give me a day.

- Okay, great. So Kevin"s in.
- Yeah!

The rest of you
can stay dumpees.

Whoa, wait.
I don"t wanna get left behind.

I mean, if you and Kevin
are both doing it...

I"ll try it.

In that case,
I will do it as well.

Well, if it"s the only way.

Okay, great.

Great! Let"s get cracking.

KEVIN:
Let"s do this!

I"m gonna find both of them!

Well, if everybody else is in...

It must be what, 35 years?
How are you?

It"s great
to hear your voice again.

I shaved a love heart
on your cat.

Hi. Yeah.
Thought you"d remember that.

How are you? How"s the cat?

We were engaged to be married.

And then you saw my face
and you ran away from the altar.

[JENNY SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

FRANKIE:
Gary Wild.

I wonder
what he"s up to these days.

I haven"t seen him

since he rode off
on his brother"s motorbike

to go on the trip of a lifetime.

Maybe he"s become a storm chaser

or a bush pilot.

Ah, he"s obviously doing well.

That"s a nice part of the city.

Uh-oh.

Oh, no.

[MOUSE WHEEL CLICKING]

[♪]

Just wanna let you ladies know,

I"m meeting Tracey Elms
for lunch tomorrow.

Yeah, and I"m seeing
Jill on Tuesday,

my first girlfriend from my days
at Wakenhearst Grammar.

We"re not gonna be
dumpees for long.

"So you" re looking
to win back your ex?

"Don" t be fooled by
what the other books say.

"This is going to be
very difficult.

"Your ex has gotten to know you

"and all your annoying habits
and hang-ups,

"so they won" t be fooled by a
new blouse or a fancy haircut.

To win them back,
you have to be very clever."

There is somebody

in the room with us.

I hear a name.

Sam...

David?

Tony?

Mike.

Harold...

Tim...

Stephen, Gary...

Oh, yes, Gary.

Oh! Yes, Gary!

I see a car.

A red one.

Oh, the stereo is broken.

Yes, yes.
That was his brother"s.

He, he used to take it
for joyrides sometimes.

I did go along once,
but I got a bit scared

and made him go
at 30 miles an hour.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, there is an aura around you.

It"s gray.

Gray?

What color
are other people"s auras?

Different colors.

Every color in the rainbow.

- Is gray in the rainbow?
- Be quiet.

So I have a question
I"d like to ask him.

I cannot give message.

I can only receive.

But this is very important.
I must ask him this question.

If it"s important,
you should have asked him

when he was leaving.

Now, you will have
gray aura all your life...

unless...

you buy special crystal.

FRANKIE:
"Step one:

"Try to casually contact your ex

"about something practical
and non-emotional,

"whilst emphasizing
that the relationship

"is definitely over,

like it was
your decision all along."

[CLATTERING]

[♪]

Hello?

[PEAR CLATTERS]

Oh, God.

Who is it?

[MAGNETS CLICKING]

Gary?

[GASPS]

You...

You were, uh, there today?

Um, I"m sorry
to hear about the accident.

[CHUCKLES]

I... I wanted

to get in contact with you today

because I wanted
to ask you a question.

Well, I think about you often.

And I know it"s been
a really long time.

And we might face
some challenges,

but I"ve done
long distance before,

and I think we could
overcome those challenges.

I guess what I"m asking is...

do you wanna
give it another shot?

I don"t mind that you're dead,
if that"s what you're thinking.

Gary, are you still there?

[WHISPERS]
Gary?

[WATER RUNNING]

[MIRROR SQUEAKS]

[♪]

[CHUCKLES]

[SCREAMS]

[GUNFIRE AND SCREAMING CONTINUE
IN GAME]

Gary!

Does it count
if I go out with her

when she"s still married,

or do I have to wait
for her to leave him?

- I think it"ll still count.
- Oh.

I don"t know
how I"m gonna get him alone,

unless I move into the hostel.

[GASPS]
Maybe I should do that.

She lives with her husband
and his family, so it"s...

So it"s very tricky.

Gary.

I think we should talk.

About us.

And where this is going.

I really like you.

And it"s been
a lot of fun having you around,

but I"m not sure
that this is what I want,

you know, long term.

So I think that we should...

That we should break up.

[WHOOSH SOUND]

You can still come around
and haunt the place.

[DOOR OPENS, THEN SLAMS SHUT]

FRANKIE:
I felt bad about breaking up with Gary.

I mean, it"s not like
he"s gonna meet anyone else.

Maybe another ghost perhaps.

All that time
I"d spent regretting

not going
on the trip of a lifetime,

and if I"d gone,
I would have ended up dead.

I hoped Gary would find
someone nice to haunt.

And now I could move forward.

I was now
one-twelfth less loser.

And it felt good.

Oliver, you"re up next.

Out of all the people
I hoped to never see again,

Oliver was top of that list.

That awful song he wrote me

that was also annoyingly
kind of catchy,

turns out he"s been living in
London for the last four years.

So I wrote him an e-mail to see
if he"d like to meet up.

When I saw your name
in my email inbox,

I was like, "Wow! Oh, wow!"

I mean, it was like sunshine

just bursting
through the clouds.

"Cause I had not thought of you
once in all those years,

since I last saw you,
not even a little bit.

You know, crazy.

But then I realized, I may not
have been thinking about you,

but I was thinking about you.

I realized that all that time,

I had been pushing down
a really strong urge to see you.

You know? And now I can see you.

And I just wanna hear
everything about you.

I want you to just speak at me.
I wanna soak up all your words.

I wanna swim in them.
I can tell you about me.

I"ve been touring in a band.

There"s like... There"s 32 of us.

Uh, it"s mainly flutes.

We have a lot of flutes
and only two non-flutes.

I"m one of the non-flutes.
I"m a tambourine.

We do like rhythm-based music

and like a couple
of AC/DC covers. Yeah.

[♪]

I don"t know if you're aware,

but that song I wrote you
actually made me kind of famous

- for about a week.
- I"m aware.

It was such a catchy tune.

I"ve tried to write songs
to dump other girls,

but none of them have taken off.

You know, Oliver,
dumping girls by song

isn"t really
the most considerate method.

I find it really
clarifies... I"m still talking.

I find it really pins down... You
really hurt my feelings.

Oh, I didn"t mean to.

And despite that...

my current
life circumstances dictate

that we go out together again.

So...

would you like
to go out with me?

You mean like
boyfriend-girlfriend?

Yep.

Sure. Yeah, yeah.

[♪]

This is fun.

Yeah. It"s really fun.

But like all good things,

it must come to an end eventually.

So it is with deep regret

that I must
end this relationship.

But we just started going out.

But something changed.

In the last 20 seconds?
Was it something I said?

It was something you did
a long time ago.

But it"s okay now.

Goodbye, Oliver.

I didn"t feel bad
about dumping Oliver.

Maybe that means I"m changing.

Or maybe it"s because
he publicly humiliated me

by writing that song.

When I look back
over those old phone calls,

I think it was Oliver
who did most of the talking.

He should have given my mom
money for those phone bills.

[AUDIO PLAYING IN REVERSE]

Goodbye, Oliver.

I don"t blame you anymore.

I"m glad I was the most
inspiring person you dumped.

Only 10 exes to go.

I hope I can
get them dumped in time

for the science prize
deadlineWILBUR: Just one more errand.

One more errand?
This is like child labor.

[SHOP BELL DINGS]
I"m here to pick up something.

Surname is Asquith-Lacey.

[♪]

Thank you.

[SHOP BELL DINGS]

He"s bought that ring for her.

Are they going to get married?

I can"t believe Thomas and that
astronaut are getting married

after knowing each other
only a few weeks.

I guess that"s what happens
when two dumpers get together.

They just live
happily ever after.

Every day is like
a perfume commercial.

Well, not this time.

I refuse to be celibate
and make decorative candles

for the rest of my life.

This wedding cannot happen.

Thomas, I"m gonna dump you next.

I just need to be
strategic about this. Clever.

I need this astronaut
out of the picture.

WOMAN:
You could enroll her on a mission to Mars.

ANNOUNCER:
Three, two, one, they have lift-off.

And the team, led by Cecilia,
will be away for five years.

I looked into that. It doesn"t
leave for another four years.

FRANKIE:
"So your ex is with someone else,

"and she" s hotter
and more interesting than you.

"You may feel unworthy,
ugly and useless.

"But you need to step up.

"Stop feeling
sorry for yourself.

"Channel your feelings
of jealousy and self-loathing

"into something useful,

"devising ways
to sabotage their relationship

and reinsert yourself
into his life."

[OBOES PLAYING HALTINGLY]

So I"ve dumped two of my exes.

Now it"s Thomas' turn.

I need your help.

Perhaps I could introduce you
to someone else instead.

Someone who might
like you more than Thomas.

My friend Roland.
He was number three

on Scientist Today"s
Most Eligible Bachelor list.

You don"t know how old I am, but
I"m not going out with a boy.

He"s a grown-up.
He"s 34 years old.

And somewhat of a genius.

You could meet him at an event
which Thomas was going to

with the aim
of making Thomas jealous.

- That"s quite a good plan.
- Thank you.

[♪]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

- How do I look?
- Uh, perfectly acceptable.

The eligible man
is due to arrive in 30 seconds.

When Thomas sees you
with this eligible man,

he will become very jealous.

At which point,
you will go and ask him out.

Ah, right on schedule.

Thank you.

Uh, Frankie, this is Roland.

Roland, this is Frankie.

Nice to meet you. Uh...

[CHUCKLES]

Could I just
speak to you for a moment?

About what?

Uh, if you could
just excuse us for a minute.

Thank you.

Please tell me that
that is not the eligible man,

the one who Thomas
is supposed to be jealous.

- It is.
- Uh, no, no, no.

He does not look right.
He"s not eligible.

A Nobel Prize nominee
isn"t eligible?

A mere 10 people a year win
them out of the entire world,

making Roland in the top

0.0000001 percent
of human beings.

Oh, God, there"s Thomas.

CECILIA:
Roland, nice to see you!

- I didn"t know you were coming.
- THOMAS: Here for inspiration?

No. On sort of a,
I suppose, date.

Well, there she is.

Oh.

Hello, Frankie.

- What a lovely surprise.
- Yes.

Uh, this is Cecilia.
Cecilia, Frankie.

You"re a lucky man.[CHUCKLES]

[♪]

[MURMURING INDISTINCTLY]

Yeah, I... I think
I need a drink.

Okay. Yes.

Can I get you one?

That would be lovely.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]

Hey.

Could I talk to you
just for a minute?

I think I deserve that,
don"t you think?

That after everything you did,
just tossing me aside

for that woman you met
just a few hours before.

And you sent
your infant brother.

I mean, who sends
their infant brother?

I did say that I wanted
to meet your family,

but that was not what I was
thinking when I said that.

You"ve had too much to drink.
Let"s get you a glass of water.

I"m not thirsty.
I am not thirsty.

[SIGHS]

I, um...

I came with that man tonight

because I wanted
to make you jealous.

Be... Because I miss you.

[CLICKS TONGUE]

[WHISPERS]
I love you so much.

THOMAS: I"m sorry, but I just don't
feel that way about you anymore.

If you"re having
problems with drinking,

there"s a man you should see.

[SOFTLY]
Look after yourself.

[♪]

[SOFTLY]
Yeah.

[SNIFFLES]

Uh...

What is that?

Uh, this is Einstein.

It"s a gift from Roland for
introducing him to a... female.

- You are the female.
- Yes.

[♪]

I wonder which ancestor of mine
gave me this gene?

I know it was one of them.

Someone ruined things
for all their descendants.

If I don"t get rid of it,

my children
and my children"s children

will have disastrous love lives.

I can"t let that happen.

If I can dump Gary, who"s dead,

then surely I can dump Thomas,
who"s alive and well.

TEACHER: Whilst every scholar
endeavors to do his very best,

there are many examples
from this school

of attainments beyond,
and I say this

with considerable pride.[WHISPERS] Hey.

Beyond the reach of mortal
men. I mention the...

FRANKIE:
Thomas is getting hypnosis to quit smoking.

Yes, he gave me the same card.

And he gave these cards
to Granny, Mom and Uncle Robert.

He won"t stop going on
about how effective it is.

Well, I say we implant
an idea in Thomas" brain.

Isn"t that illegal and amoral?

It"s no more amoral than
sending a child to dump someone.

Look, this is the plan.

You distract this Dr. Blakely,

and then I get into
Thomas" treatment room

and I get access
to his subconscious

and I implant the idea that
he is madly in love with me.

I"m not sure
the science prize committee

will approve of illegal methods.

Isn"t there something you want?

Could put a little thing
in there for you too.

A little something-something.
Nothing at all?

Um, well,
I would quite like to know

- what I"m getting for Christmas.
- I could do that.

Ask him to get me
the new Space Voyagerseries,

The Interstellar Mission.
I know he"s definitely not.

- Okay, fine.
- On Blu-ray.

Perfect.

I"d quite like a new telescope.

Oh, perhaps a new hat.

And he could be
a tad nicer to me.

You deserve that. Absolutely.

Thomas is due
to park here at 9:43.

He"s usually 7.2 minutes late
to all engagements.

He"ll arrive at 9:50.

Once inside the building,

he"ll spend three minutes
flirting with the receptionist.

At 9:59, you will arrive
for your appointment.

Uh, Roberta Wilkins.

You will spend four minutes

filling out a new client card.

I will arrive at 10:06.

Uh, Robert Plant.

It will take
approximately 37 seconds

for Thomas to go under.

At 11 minutes past 10:00,

David will leave Thomas" room
and come to your room.

Today I"m going to be teaching
you how to use your mind.

He will spend 2.3 minutes
discussing with you

what you want to achieve
during your ten sessions.

Using the powerful
mind-body connection.

Connection.

At 10:23,
David will come to my room.

He will go through
the same rigmarole.

Picture yourself
standing in your living room.

You reach for your phone.

You call a friend.

You tell them
how effective hypnosis has been

and you give them
our phone number...

0207-946-0327.

At 10:34, David will
go to the back office

to play online poker.

You will have six minutes

to implant the idea in his brain

that he is madly in love
with you before David returns.

Then we will exit the building,
mission accomplished.

Thomas, can you hear me?

- Yes.
- I want you

to go back out with Frankie.

Because she is a very,
very wonderful person.

[INHALES DEEPLY]

No, don"t want to.

She has this weird job.

She works
in instruction manuals.

Doesn"t have many friends.

And she really shouldn"t
wear that silly orange hat,

the one that looks
like a croissant.

Can"t take somebody serious

if they"ve got
a croissant on their head.

And she has quite bad posture.

Can"t use chopsticks, ate her
sushi with a knife and fork.

She has a single bed.

I mean, who has a single bed?

You are going to crawl around
on the floor like a rat.

Get on the floor.

Like a filthy, ugly, dirty rat
that you are!

Crawl, rat! Crawl!

Stupid! Eat couch, little rat!

Roll on your back, rat!

Thomas. Thomas, please,
just let me explain!

Please, I was just
trying to reach you.

That part of you that
used to love me, and I...

And you... Stay away from me!

You humiliated me in front
of a medical professional!

Well, you left me no choice!

[ENGINE REVVING
AND TIRES SCREECHING]

- Frankie Browne?
- Yes?

- What"s this?
- It"s a restraining order.

Section five, Protection
From Harassment Act 1997.

Making any contact
with the complainant

is strictly prohibited,
unless you want to get arrested.

FRANKIE:
How dare Thomas dislike 47 things about me

and issue a restraining order.

I am trying to improve my life,

and the least he can do
is let me dump him

without too much hassle.

The science prize deadline
is in one week.

That means
dumping 1.4 men a day.

I need a plan,
and one that works

from a distance of 300 yards,

because that"s the closest
I can go to Thomas.

I need to knock these men out
of my life once and for all.

[SLURPING]

[OVERLAPPING CONVERSATIONS]
Hey, hey.

It is time to ramp up the plan.

What if I told you we could
dump every single person

we"ve been out with
in just one night?

- One night?
- Yes, a sort of dumpathon.

We would contact our exes,

pretending that we work
for a sweepstake company.

And we would tell them that
they had won £5 million,

and all they needed to do
was collect it in person.

And then we would have
trapped them in one place.

We would lock them in this room

and then we would say that they
had to go out with us again.

And then we would dump them.

So you mean
like a mass kidnapping?

It"s kind of...

Yes. Yes.[ALL GROAN SOFTLY]

- We could be in jail by 3:00.
- But by the next day,

you"re saying
we"d be free of the gene

and able to get on with
our lives and... And find love?

Right, yes.

That"s a fantastic idea!

Stockholm syndrome.

That"s beautiful!
Yes!

Very time-effective.

- Let"s do it!
- Okay.

Okay, sit.

FRANKIE [VOICE CHANGER]:
Hello?

[♪]

[VOICE CHANGER]
Hello?

[VOICE CHANGER]
Ah, hello,

is that Amanda Pocklington?

[VOICE CHANGER]
April Fletchley.

- [VOICE CHANGER] Norris Peake?
- I"m calling

from the Golden Envelope
Prize Draw Company.

We"ve picked your name out of
the friends of the RSPCA list.

I"ve just called to tell you
that you have won...

Five million pounds.

- AMANDA: How did I enter this?
- The supermarket.

APRIL:
It"s absolutely unbelievable!

Yeah, it"s pretty unbelievable,
but you"ve definitely won.

And all you have to do
to collect your prize is...

Is come to the Hotel Champres...

On the 22nd of May.

THOMAS:
Ah, I don"t think I can make it.

I"m planning on proposing
to my girlfriend that day.

To Cecilia?

Frankie, is that you?

No. My name is, um... Ahem.

[DEEP VOICE]
My name is Geraldine...

[REGULAR VOICE] Humperdinck.
Frankie, you need to move on.

Let me be happy.[RATTLING]

[VOICE CHANGER]
Um, sorry. Uh, no.

There"s no Frankie...
No Frankie here.

My name"s not Frankie.[DIAL TONE ON LINE]

Guess what?
They"ve all confirmed!

Everyone is gonna come
to this one-night event,

the dumpathon!

[♪]

[DISPATCHER SPEAKING
INDISTINCTLY OVER POLICE RADIO]

Oh, there she is.

I am arresting you on suspicion
of section 2A offense

of stalking, harassment
and violation

- of a restraining order.
- Oh, please!

I was just trying
to give him a prize.

Since when was that a crime?

Thomas wasn"t ever
going to let me dump him.

I imagined myself at age 50,

still scheming
with a middle-aged Wilbur.

I mean, God, who was I kidding?

I wasn"t born a winner in life.

And I felt tired of trying
to become somebody else.

Isn"t the route to happiness

supposed to be about accepting
yourself for who you truly are?

Perhaps I should stop
running from my destiny.

Maybe carving owls
and collecting stamps

is going to be
really rewarding and fun.

[BLOWS] And I won"t miss

not ever being
in a relationship again.

Oh, Frankie.
Get me a coffee, would you?

Milk, two sugars.

And, uh, tidy your desk a bit.

I can"t believe that intern.
It"s outrageous.

DEBRA: He "s not an intern anymore.
He"s a junior manager now.

Junior manager?

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

[SIGHS]

I have some news about Thomas.

I don"t wanna
hear any news about Thomas.

He"s going to propose
to Cecilia tomorrow night.

We have to act fast.

He doesn"t want me.
It"s impossible.

But we"ve come so far.

You absolutely cannot
give up now.

These are pheromones.
They"re used in nature

as a way of attracting a mate.
I got them off Roland.

[♪]

You"d only need
a couple of drops.

It"s very potent.

Roland says it lasts
three to four hours,

so you"d need to top it up.

This should attract
Thomas from three miles away.

So you won"t be in violation
of the restraining order.

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

♪ Sounds of the rude world

♪ Heard in the day

♪ Lull"d by the moonlight... ♪

Uh, you"ll be going on
in one minute.

Oh, God.

♪ Beautiful dreamer

♪ Queen of my song

♪ List while I woo thee

♪ With soft melody

♪ Beautiful dreamer

♪ Awake

♪ Unto me [CROWD APPLAUDING]

SINGER:
Thank you. Thank you so much.

Please put your hands together
for Victorique Rousseau.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]

[FEEDBACK WHINES]

[BAND PLAYS JAZZ TUNE]

[CHUCKLES]

[OFF-KEY]
♪ Something"s gotten Hold of my heart ♪

♪ Keeping my soul
And my senses apart ♪

[FEEDBACK WHINES]

♪ Something"s gotten
Into my life ♪

What is she doing here?

♪ Cutting its way through
My dreams like a knife ♪

♪ Turning me on

Frankie,
what are you doing here?

It"s a free country.

♪ Making me smile

♪ And making me frown
It"s the wrong one. Go!

[♪]

- Is there a problem, sir?
- Yes.

♪ Oh, that was... I
have a restraining order

against this woman,
and she is in violation of it.

I... I didn"t know he was...
He was coming actually.

Of course she did.
She follows us everywhere.

Please, come down
from the stage.

If... If you just let me
finish the song, please?

Madam, I need you
to leave the stage immediately.

♪ Shook my heart... THOMAS: I"m so sorry.

♪ Made me want you to stay
MANAGER: Call security.

♪ All of my nights

♪ And all of my days

[PERFECT VOICE]
♪ Yeah, I gotta tell you

♪ That something"s
Got a hold of my hands ♪

Thomas.♪ Dragging my soul

♪ To the beautiful land

Thomas.♪ Yeah, something

♪ Has invaded my nights... Wow!

You are an amazing singer.

No, she"s not.[SHUSHING]

♪ Changing the gray MANAGER: Oh, my God!

♪ And changing the blue

♪ Scarlet for me

♪ And scarlet for you

[OFF-KEY VOICE]
♪ Touch me and my heart Goes astray, yeah ♪

♪ And baby

[PERFECT VOICE]
♪ And baby

- Bravo!
- Bravo!

[GIGGLES]

Bravo!
Bravo!

Um, I"m... I'm just gonna go
and, uh, check our orders.

Uh, and I"ll...
I"ll get us some more bread.

That was...

amazing.

Great!

[♪]

[KNOCKS][GASPS]

[ALL CLAMORING]
You were amazing out there.

Just want... [WHISPERS] Hide!

[POUNDING ON DOOR]

[CLAMORING CONTINUES]

MAN:
So beautiful! Come here!

I really am ashamed
of my behavior.

I don"t know
what I was thinking.

Perhaps I went mad temporarily.

You"re so wonderful.

And beautiful and sensitive,

funny and unique.

I can"t believe
I ever let you go.

[TONY AND TANDY"S "TWO CAN
MAKE IT TOGETHER" PLAYING]

♪ Well, I"ve lived
My life alone ♪

♪ Just crying on my own

♪ I never had the chance
To make a friend ♪

♪ Well, baby
That"s all through ♪

♪ I"ve put my faith in you ♪

♪ And I"ll be here
Until the bitter end ♪

♪ Oh, baby
One is a lonely number ♪

♪ It"s a number
You can"t divide ♪

♪ Yeah, but listen, hon
The number one ♪

♪ Can be great
When it"s multiplied ♪

♪ Two can make it together

♪ If they try to understand

♪ Baby
Two can make it together ♪

♪ We can try
Take my hands, baby ♪

♪ Two can make it forever

♪ If they try every day, baby

- To Frankie!
- ALL: To Frankie!

♪ Two can make it together

♪ I"ll be loving you
Every step of the way ♪

♪ Every step of the way

♪ Oh, I didn"t realize ♪

♪ That love was in your eyes

♪ I thought you just
Had pity for the man... ♪

Close your eyes
and put out your hands.

[♪]

Open it.

I"ve never felt this way before
about anyone in my entire life.

It"s like from the moment
I saw you on that stage,

I was drawn to you
like a magnet.

I can"t pull myself away.

Say yes.

Please say yes.

Yes.

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

[WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY]
It"s beautiful.

You were supposed
to dump him, not marry him.

I know.

I know. It"s just that...

If you let me explain.

I really love him.

That"s it?
That"s your entire explanation?

- Yes.
- You"re making a fool

out of yourself.

As soon as
the pheromones run out,

- he"s going to break up with you.
- They don"t have to run out.

You could make more.
I could pay you.

It"d be like a part-time job.

And what do you plan to do,
use the pheromones forever?

For 70 or so years?

Well, why not?
It"s good enough for insects.

I fear that you may
have lost your mind.

I decline this job offer.

And I find it
ludicrous and selfish

that you"d cancel the experiment
when we"ve already come so far.

I... I know it"s...

I don"t
expect you to understand.

I mean, you"re a child.
You"ve never even kissed a girl.

What would you possibly
understand about love?

If being in love causes one
to demean and embarrass oneself

in the way that you"re doing,

then I do not wish
to ever partake in it.

I want you to know that
you are single-handedly ruining

humankind"s scientific progress.

[♪]

[SIGHS]

THOMAS:
You"ve had a jilting?

They"ve had a jilting.

Thank you. 4:00, we will
be there with bells on.

It"s booked.

At 4:00 today,
we"re getting married.

Tomorrow morning
we"re going to pack our bags

and get on
the first flight to Mexico.

I love you so much.

I love you too.

How could you do this to me?
Why won"t you answer my calls?

Cecilia, look, I"m... I'm sorry.

I... I really like you,

but I"m in love
with Frankie now.

And... And we really are
in a bit of a rush.

You"re in a rush?
You leave me at a restaurant

and then I find out
you"re going out with her.

I love her.
We"re getting married.

We really don"t
have time for this.

I"m sorry! I'm sorry!

She has a restraining order.

Technically, this is illegal!

No. We... We were supposed
to get married.

I was supposed to be your wife.

We"d named our children and...

THOMAS:
What? Where...?

What...? Wait, wait!
Frankie, Frankie!

Where are you going?

There"s someone I need
to invite to the wedding.

- See you there at 4:00.
- I"ll come with... I'll be there!

[DOOR CREAKS]

Listen, I"m... I'm sorry.

And I came to invite you
to my wedding.

It"s at 4:00 this afternoon.

The paper was retracted
by Scientist Today.

They had to publish an apology.

They found some faults
with the study.

The gene they thought
was the dumpee gene,

well, it turns out it just
makes proteins for the kidneys.

What are you talking about?

That gene doesn"t affect

your love life after all.

What?

No, you"re making this up.

What about all the tests?
And... And Hugo?

The tests just confirmed
the gene"s existence,

not what its function was.

And Hugo"s gene
didn"t disappear.

Barnaby spilled the lemonade on
the tester and didn"t tell me.

Um, but I"ve told
all these people about it.

I mean, almost ten people
know about this

and they"ve been trying
to do your theorem.

[SIGHS]

I can"t believe this. If...

If... No, of course
there"s a dumpee gene.

There has to be a dumpee gene,

otherwise this has all been
a complete waste of time.

Not everything
was a waste of time.

The pheromones worked,

and further experimentation
may produce a pheromone

that could help
the plight of the honeybee.

Oh, well, that"s great
for the honeybee.

I am such an idiot.

I believed the theories
of an 11-year-old child.

Twelve.

[SIGHING]

[♪]

ELSA [ON COMPUTER]:
For 15 years, I devoted my life

to finding a pattern
of how people love each other.

I thought a love gene
would predict

how everyone
forms relationships.

But there"s no logic
in the decisions they make.

And there is no pattern
in people"s love life.

FRANKIE: All this time, I"d
been trying to fix the thing

which made me unlovable.

The gene
that was ruining my life.

Except that gene
didn"t actually exist.

The universe
wasn"t sabotaging me.

I had only been
sabotaging myself.

[CHURCH BELLS RINGING]

[ORGAN PLAYS MENDELSSOHN"S
"WEDDING MARCH"]

You look beautiful.

[SOFTLY]
Thank you.

I brought a witness.

Reverend, this is, uh...
This is Frankie.

A pleasure. Um, are we
expecting anyone else?

No.

Right. Uh, well, let"s make
a start then, shall we?

Welcome to the historic
Church of St. Barnabus

on this wonderful occasion.

We"ve come together here today
in the presence of God

to witness the marriage

of Thomas Henry
Charles Asquith-Lacey

and Francesca Browne,

to ask his blessing on them... Sorry.

- Could I just ask a question?
- Yes.

Oh, not to you. To Thomas.

- Ah.
- Give me just a sec.

- Wha...?
- Sorry.

It"s just that we never really
talked about why you dumped me.

Uh, do... Do we need
to talk about that now?

Well, I realize
it isn"t the ideal time.

Frankie...

I made a terrible mistake.

I love you,
and I want us to be together

for the rest of our lives.

- Happy to press on?
- Absolutely.

Marriage is given
that husband and wife

may comfort and help each other,

living faithfully together

in need and in plenty,

in sorrow and in joy.

It is given that... Sorry, um...

Um, one more minute.
Half a minute even.

I"m... I'm so sorry.

Sorry, it"s just that, um,

you did send
your little brother to dump me.

And then at
the hypnotist"s office,

you said so many things
you disliked about me.

I love everything about you.
There is nothing I dislike.

You listed 47 things.

That was 47 things
that I liked about you.

No, you... You said my friends.
You didn"t like my friends.

- I love your friends.
- Name one of them.

Bernie.

Ernie? B-Bernest?

The... The chap from the art
gallery with the glasses.

He was, um... Roland.

Yes. Yes.
I... I found him fascinating.

Okay? Let"s, um...
Let"s get back to it.

- Come on.
- No, wait.

It"s just that I've been using
an elephant drug on you.

You don"t really love me.

You mean the world to me.

I adore you.

You adore me
for three to four hours.

It... I"m sorry, Thomas.

I"m... I'm sorry
that I forced you to love me.

But this isn"t going to work.
It"s a huge mistake.

I... I can"t marry you.

I"m really sorry, Reverend,
for wasting your time.

THOMAS:
No, no, Frankie.

Of course you can marry me.

It"s just last-minutes nerves.

It"s normal,
what you"re experiencing.

It"s not normal.
Nothing about this is normal.

It"s ridiculous.
I can"t go ahead with it.

Frankie, please. Please do not
leave this church. I...

- Thomas, stop it!
- I adore you.

We"re meant to be together.
We"re the perfect couple!

FRANKIE:
No!

THOMAS:
Frankie... Frankie, please, no.

You are a goddess in my eyes,

and I hereby
lay down my life for you.

Frankie. Frankie, I would
walk across hot coals for you.

I would crawl naked
on my hands and knees

to the ends of the earth and
back again for you. I love you!

Oh, thank you for listening
to me talk like a crazy person

convinced that
this was the guy for me.

I would pull out
my beating heart, Frankie.

You"re right, he's not the one.

Okay.

- You are my universe.
- I should, um, go.

And I love you, Frankie.

- Bye.
- Bye.

♪ Roll around on the floor

♪ You"re gonna have to say... ♪

And you claim
we"re the lowest performing four

in the whole office?

You are
the lowest performing four.

By a very long way.

MALCOLM:
Well, we know the real reason,

and we"re gonna take you
to an employment tribunal.

It"s illegal
to discriminate against people!

You"re okay.
You"ve still got your job.

MALCOLM: You"d think it was enough
that your category of people

stomp all over us in romance.

Now you"re gonna stomp
all over us at work as well.

What is he talking about?

MALCOLM: You don"t know what
it's like to be born unlovable.

We can"t even win at Monopoly!

Oh, um, could I just interject?

If these people have been
performing badly,

it"s because of me.

I gave them some misinformation.

Sent them on a wild goose chase.

You don"t have the dumpee gene.
I don"t have it.

None of you have it.
There is no dumpee gene.

And there are no categories.

If anyone should be sacked,
it"s me.

AUTOMATED VOICE:
Going down.

Well, looking
on the bright side...

at least
we don"t have that gene.

[ALL CHEER]

[♪]

I was rid of the gene,

rid of my obsession with Thomas

and ready to start a new future.

My time working in
instruction manuals was over.

It was time to find a job
I actually liked.

Perhaps it might involve
foreign travel?

I would like to see the world.

Life seemed good
and full of opportunities.

There was
only one slight problem.

We had forgotten
about the dumpathon.

A hundred and twenty-five
of our exes showed up

to collect £5 million.

So, what shall we do?

Fortunately we were able
to handle it with grace

and it all ended very amicably.

None of you will be receiving
any prizes tonight

- because you do not deserve them.
- ALL: What?

You could say
it was more of a forgiveathon.

Crisps. Uh, you"re welcome
to as many as you like.

They didn"t quite go for the
group hug, which I suggested.

But it was nice
to catch up all the same.

[CHOIR VOCALIZING
DEBUSSY"S "CLAIR DE LUNE"]

It says that pi can never end.

I don"t care if you saw
the last number or not.

Don"t give me that look.
I know what that look means.

Pi is infinite.

I don"t... Hi.

- Hi.
- I wanted to come by

and apologize for what I said

about you being a child.
I should have said it before.

Well, that"s okay.
It"s also technically true.

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

And I"m sorry
about the science prize.

Well, a scientist learns more

from his failures
than his successes.

But it would have been
nice to win a Nobel Prize.

And you finally came to
your senses regarding Thomas.

[LAUGHS]
I did.

I did. And I sort of
quit my job as well.

So thank you.

For everything.

Thank you.

I hope to see you
both around sometime soon.

Well, actually, currently
we"re looking for a subject

for this idea of ours.

- It is mosquito-repelling shoes.
- Hmm.

- I"ll think about it.
- What"s there to think about?

You don"t have a job,
so you must have spare time.

Well, I might want to discover
two and a half countries.

You can discover
two and a half countries

after you"ve helped
cure malaria.

We have access
to over 3000 mosquitoes

for the controlled tests.

[SIMON LOVE"S "NOT IF I
SEE YOU FIRST" PLAYING]

♪ So this is
My own goodbye note ♪

♪ Just like the one
You never wrote ♪

♪ I only found out after
Months of lies and bluff ♪

♪ But as
The age-old saying goes ♪

♪ You always hurt
The one you love ♪

♪ I guess this means you
Must"ve loved me very much ♪

♪ And if you happen upon me

♪ In the street
Or an ambulance or worse ♪

♪ You can use your lines
So well dressed and rehearsed ♪

♪ But not if I ♪ Not if I

♪ Not if I see you first

♪ Not if I see you first

♪ Not if I see you first

♪ I"ll see you in hell
Reading chapter and verse ♪

[JACOB PERLMUTTER"S
"I RELEASE YOU" PLAYING]

♪ I"m not sure when you became
The reason to leave ♪

♪ After all these years
Of being the reason to stay ♪

♪ And I"m not sure
When you became ♪

♪ The reason to believe

♪ After all these years

♪ Of being the reason
Not to pray ♪

♪ I release you

♪ I release you

♪ I release you

♪ And I release me too

♪ I"m not sure
When you became ♪

♪ The reason to deceive

♪ After all these years

♪ Of playing it true

♪ And not sure
When you became ♪

♪ The reason to retreat

♪ After all these years

♪ Of breaking on through

♪ I release you

♪ I release you

♪ I release you

♪ And I release me too

♪ Remember when we shared
That kiss ♪

♪ First on New Year"s Eve ♪

♪ After all those years

♪ Of unfettered lust
And passion ♪

♪ And remember
When you became ♪

♪ My reason for joie de vivre

[SINGING IN FRENCH]

♪ But ice gotta melt

♪ Now I release you

♪ I release you

♪ And I release me too