All language subtitles for s03e04 - Cold Store

♫ Ground floor perfumery

♫ Stationery and leather goods

♫ Wigs and haberdashery

♫ Kitchenware and food

♫ Going up

♫ First floor telephones

♫ Gents ready-made suits

♫ Shirts, socks, ties, hats

♫ Underwear and shoes

♫ Going up

- Whoa, blimey, you're in
a bit of a state, ain't ya?

Where were you last night, eh?

Little red nose, have a good blow, go on.

(makes nose blowing noise)

(laughing)

Here, what's all this
straw down your back?

Hey Daphne, lend us your vacuum, will ya?

This one's in a terrible state.

You ain't been having it
off with Kerry Grant there

in the packing department
after closing time, have you?

(laughing)

- Here ya are, love.

- Ah, there we are.

You'll be givin' the store
a bad name, you will.

Close your eyes, girls!

Hold your breath, darling.

- Oh Mr. Mash, you are an old fool.

- I don't know what you're going on about.

I bet it's not the first time

you've lost your nickers in a tube.

(both laugh uproariously)

Morning Mr. Lucas.

- Morning Mr. Mash.

- You're early.

Hey have you had the pleasure

of meetin' Mrs. Daphne Ackroyd?

And Miss Ivy Plunkitt of
the cleaning department?

- How do you do.

- Hello lovely boy.

- This is Mr. Lucas, the
Robert Redford of ready maids.

- Oh!

- You don't see him very often

on account he's always five minutes late.

- So spocious. (laughing)

- Play your cards right,
you're on a promise, there.

- I've come in early
'cause I'm not stopping.

- But you're checkin' in, aren't ya?

- No I've got this bird coming up

from the afternoon from the country.

So I've just come in to
tell him I've got a cold,

and I've got to get back to bed.

Well it's half true.

- Dead before they give
you time off here, mate.

Old Mr. Lou from the kitchen
department broke his arm.

They made him spend the rest of the day

demonstrating coffee
grinders with the other one.

- Well I'll tell them
I've got a temperature.

- They'll have you
straight out up to sister.

And she's a very funny
woman, I can tell you.

She don't always take your
temperature the way you expect.

- You mean they won't take my word for it?

- Ah, not the Grace Brothers, no.

Here, I'll tell you what.

I'll give you a tip.

What we used to use in the army.

You put an onion under your
arm, and chew on a bit of soap.

- I haven't got an onion.

- I'll get you one from fruit and veg.

- Hello sir, please, what
were you up to last night?

- Oh, I was watching
Yogi on the television.

- Yogi bear?

- No, Indian Yogi.

They were showing you all the
positions you can get into,

and I was doing it with them

in case there was one I didn't know.

Just got past the fifth position of

supreme ecstasy when me
horizontal hold went.

It was all I could do to move.

- Yes, well it would be.

You're not going to ask
for the day off, are you?

- What here?

You don't get the day off here,

not even if you're paralyzed.

They put a coat on you
and use you as a dummy.

- Well I'm not stopping you know,

I've got a serious cold.

- Well I'll mention that to Mr. Granger,

after I've told him about my back.

- Oh, good morning Mr. Granger.

- Morning.
- Morning, Mr. Granger.

My word, you do look pale.

- Yes, I'm afraid I've got a

touch of my old gastric trouble.

- Well I'm sorry to bother
you with my troubles Mr.--

- I'm sorry, man, Mr. Lucas.

But if you want to discuss it,

you'll have to discuss
it through a closed door.

- Good morning Mr. Humphries.

- [Lucas] Good morning, Mrs. Slocombe.

- Good morning, Mr. Lucas.

- Anyway, he said it's supposed to stop me

getting a cold for the rest of the winter.

I've had a course of seven injections.

- Oh, your poor arm.

- Oh, thanks Mrs. Slocombe.

They don't give 'em to
'em in your arm anymore.

I won't be able to sit through
a picture for a whole week.

- They give you everything down
there, nowadays, don't they?

I have the ear ache,

but still my doctor gave
it to me down there.

Anyway, I don't hold with
all these newfangled things.

Last night, I had a hot whiskey.

And this morning, I had Brandian
milk on me Rice Krispies.

- Well that's nice, snap crackle and burp.

- Not only that, but I've got
me flask full of rum and pep.

- Well, that may not kill the germs,

but it'll make 'em dizzy.

- Haven't got a cold, have you?

- No, I'm just taking precautions.

- Oh that's good, 'cause my doc said

I mustn't get a cold for seven days.

- Well you better get Captain
Peacock to send me home.

I mean I've got an absolute stree-ba.

- I shall have no difficulty in

keeping my distance from you, Mr. Lucas.

- You didn't say that
at the Christmas party,

you couldn't wait to jump into that

cupboard with me and
start playing sardines.

- I'm sure you have plenty to do

in your own department, Mr. Lucas.

- At once Mrs. Slocombe.

- Did you really jump in
the cupboard with him?

- Well, only 'cause Captain
Peacock was trying to

get me to pull his cracker
in the fittin' room.

- You as well.

- Here you are mate, one Spanish onion,

one piece of carbolic soap.

Put that under your arm,
that under your tongue.

- Do you think it'll get
me off for the afternoon?

- Well it got me off D-Day.

- Good morning Captain Peacock.

- Here do it now, the froth
only lasts a minute, go on.

- Is Mr. Granger not here?

- Yes he is here Captain
Peacock, but only part time.

- Oh, has he got a touch
of the gastrics again?

- I'm afraid so, and of
course his age doesn't help.

- What do you mean, he's more susceptible?

- No, he can't get there
as quick as he'd like to.

- You're probably wondering why

I'm walking like this, Captain Peacock.

I've done my back in.

- I hadn't noticed any difference.

- Mr. Lucas, what are you
doing with your shirt undone?

- I'm puttin' an onion under me arm.

- Ask a silly question.

- Good morning Captain Peacock.

Could I have a word with
you, Captain Peacock?

- Not at the moment, Mr. Lucas.

Are you being served sir?

- No, I'm just trying to
remember what I came in here for.

I've got a list here somewhere.

- Captain Peacock.
- In a moment, Mr. Lucas.

- Ah, here it is, now let me see.

- Captain Peacock.
- In a moment, Mr. Lucas.

- There are two pairs of socks,

a dozen handkerchiefs,
a bair of braces, a tie.

- [Peacock] I'm sure
Mr. Lucas can help you.

- No on second thoughts,
I've changed me mind.

- Mr. Lucas, you're dibbling.

- No, but I've--

- Well, now what is it, Mr. Lucas?

- I don't feel very well, Captain Peacock.

- Pardon?

- I don't feel very well, Captain Peacock.

- Ah, I'm not prepared to
hold a conversation with you

until you have emptied your mouth.

- Could I go home please?

- You've got a doctor's certificate?

- No.

- In that case I cannot
allow you to go home.

- Well can I go home and see me doctor?

- Certainly not.

- But I'm not meself.

If you'd look around a
couple of minutes ago,

you'd have seen me foaming at the mouth.

- Yes we used to get that
in the army, you know.

It's usually caused by the
placing of soap under the tongue.

- I've the hiccups as well.

- Hiccups is hardly serious
enough for a day off Mr. Lucas.

Go and stand behind the
cabinet until you've recovered.

(hiccups)

- I've also got a temperature.

Could I go and see the sister?

- I'll send for sister.

(hiccups)
Get behind the cabinet.

And Mr. Lucas?
- Captain Peaco-- (hiccups)

- I don't know what
aftershave you're using,

but you're coming over very
strongly as a Lancashire hotpot.

(hiccups)

(Lucas hiccups)

Would you put me through
to first aid, please?

(Lucas hiccups)

Ah sister.

Captain Peacock of the ladies'
and gentleman's outfitting.

(Lucas hiccups)

I wonder if you'd be kind enough to

bring your thermometer down here.

And a loofah.

- There, how do you like that, madam?

- Well it's almost what I wanted.

But it's not the color.

- Oh, but blue looks so cool on madam.

Ms. Brahms, over here.

Don't you think that
madam looks cool in blue?

- Yes, like an iceberg.

- I'm not sure about the flowers.

- Oh but flowers are very much in vogue.

- Yes, and all the
other women's magazines.

- Thanks you Ms. Brahms,
the iceberg was enough.

- It's a little tight around the waist.

- Ah, I had to give you that size

because madam has such slender shoulders.

But I can very easily alter it.

- No, I'm not all that keen, really.

- Oh no no no, it's no trouble at all.

- But I really didn't want it.

- Well you can't change your mind now,

I've started the alteration.

I'm sure madam will be delighted with it

when it comes back from the work room.

- On the first of the week.

- I'll be away then.

- Oh, in that case put not
urgent on it, Ms. Brahms.

Now if madam would like to change.

Just a moment.

I have a hat that would
go wonderful with that.

- Oh no no, I don't wear hats.

- Well you're wearing one now.

- Oh well it belongs to a friend.

- Well buy it for her, then.

- No thank you.

- Oh I can't stand people who

are always changing their minds.

- Well it was a very good line

of sales pattern, Mrs. Slocombe.

- You have to know your
customer, you understand.

I tried it once with a lady wrestler.

She had me flat on me back.

Oh pass me that flask, Ms. Brahms.

Oh me throat, I feel as though
the germs are surging round.

Look out you foreign
bodies, get a load of this.

- If you've got anything
catching, I'm going home.

- No no no no, I have a
very strong constitution.

All my white core
pustules are fighting it.

(sneezes)

- You've got one haven't
you, you've got a cold.

- Pass me one of those hankies.

- I haven't got one.

- No no, one from the box,
there at the end of the counter.

- What color do you want?

- It doesn't matter!

- Here.

(sneezes)

You have got a cold.

My doctor gave me those injections,

told me I mustn't get
a cold for seven days.

- Are you planning to rob a bank?

- No, it's to stop the
germs from going up me nose.

- If you wear that you'll go up my nose.

- Well it's either
this, or I'm going home.

- That's a very militant
attitude Ms. Brahms.

- You can like it or lump it.

- Oh, oh, well if that's the tone you use,

I'm going to have a word
with Captain Peacock.

Captain Peacock, may I
have a word with you?

- Not at the moment Mrs. Slocombe.

Five, four, three, two, one, ah.

- You're normal.

- Yes, but we're working on it.

- We'll I've definitely got a
cold, I mean listen to this.

(sneezes) There you are, look at that.

I mean I really think I ought
to go home for the afternoon,

I wouldn't want anyone else to catch it.

(sneezes)

Too late, I've given it to Mrs. Slocombe.

- I already had one of my own.

Captain Peacock, may I
now have a word with you?

- In a moment, Mrs. Slocombe.

Now I'm sorry to have troubled you.

- No that's quite alright.

That sounds like a nasty
cold Mrs. Slocombe.

- Oh yes it's just beginning.

That's what I wanted to discuss
with you, Captain Peacock.

- I cannot let you go home, Mrs. Slocombe,

just because you have a cold.

- I don't want to go
home, it's Ms. Brahms.

She won't stop because she's
afraid of catching my cold,

just because she's had
these flu injections.

Ms. Brahms, over here.

- Oh no, your oil well is this way.

- Now Ms. Brahms, where did
you have these injections?

- In me bum.

- I think sister means
at what establishment.

- Oh, my doctor give 'em me.

- Your doctor gave them
to you, Ms. Brahms?

- No he didn't, he charged me eight quid.

- But it's quite right.

She must avoid cold contact for a week.

Otherwise she'll have
to have it done again.

- Yes and I can't afford the expense.

So if she's stuck, then I'm going.

- Well I'm not having a
day's pay off just because

you've got a jaxy full of vaccine.

- What delicate way to put it.

- I'm sorry that I've been so
long away, Captain Peacock.

Oh, dang it.

- It's all good here today.

- Well, so if Ms. Brahms
mustn't catch a cold,

she better lend a hand in
the gentlemen's department.

- I'm not catching his cold.

- If you will allow me
to finish, Ms. Brahms.

And as Mr. Lucas has one anyway,

he can assist Mrs.
Slocombe in the ladies'.

- Oh no, Mrs. Slocombe wouldn't
like that, Captain Peacock.

I mean, she might get my
cold on top of her cold.

Be much better if you send
my home for the afternoon.

- You will do as you are told, Mr. Lucas.

- I'm not having a man in
the ladies', it's unheard of.

- Only to assist you, Mrs. Slocombe.

- But it's a very personal service

in the ladies' department,
Captain Peacock.

- Yes, well, in that case he can

confine himself to gloves,
scarves, and handling the two.

- I don't think I can be
trusted Captain Peacock.

- I know you can't. (mutters)

Mr. Humphries, I take it you have no have

no objection to having a
lady behind the counter?

- I have absolutely no feelings
on the matter whatsoever.

But I would prefer the lone
ranger to remove her mask.

- Well, places everyone.

Thank you sister, nice to talk to you.

- You put one finger wrong,

and I'll have you in front of Mr. Rumbold.

- A threat hanging like that over me head,

I wouldn't dare put a finger wrong.

- Take these back to the fitting room.

- Oh I bed your pardon, madam.

(screams)

Cross me heart, I didn't
put a finger anywhere.

- Oh, it's the blue
alteration, she's still here!

- Oh blimey, ain't you gone home yet?

- No, here.

You can have your onion
back, it didn't work.

- Well of course it didn't,
you haven't peeled it, have ya?

- Well you might have told me.

- Well it's common sense, innit?

I mean nobody sticks an onion under

their arm without peeling it, do they?

- No!

- How'd you get on with the soap?

- I swallowed it.

- Oh, you don't deserve the day off.

- I'm not gonna get it, am I?

- Well, Peacock finds you over here,

you'll get the sack and you won't

have to come in at all, will ya?

- Peacock sent me over
here, I've been transferred.

- He sent you--

You're serving over here?

God, you'll have an off
day today, won't you, eh?

Hey-hey, whoa-ho!

- I was gonna have a better day
today at my place, wasn't I?

(exaggerated whooping)

- Well don't give up hope.

Break a leg.

- Yeah that might be me only chance.

What've you got in that box?

- Ah, half a dozen suspender belts.

- Blimey, they're not bringing
them back again, are they?

- I didn't know they'd ever been away.

- Ugly lookin' things, aren't they?

- Well they're not for
lookin' at, are they?

They're for takin' off. (laughing)

Here, they've got that new
crafty catch there, look.

- Oh yeah, listen I've
had a lot of trouble

with this new catch, on bras, you know.

Yeah, I've mastered it now, though,

I've got it down to about eight seconds.

- Eight seconds?

- Yeah, watch this.

Just one more kiss before we
say good night, Ms. Brahms.

Hold it!

(applause)

- That was only six seconds.

- Yeah well, she wasn't struggling.

- See here, and they're
all marked alphabetically.

B for braces, G for gloves.

- Where's A for 'andkerchiefs?

- That comes under H for haberdashery.

- Oh, what are these jokey shills?

- Jockey shaws.

- We have jockeys come in here?

- Of course not, they're just

a sexy line in men's underwear.

- Oh, well why do you
call them jockey shaws?

- Well you know, if
anybody shouts they're off,

you know you're on the way on
your way to the winning point.

- You live in a dream world, don't you?

- And down here we've got wide fronts.

- Oh, now do you have wide backs?

- No, strangely enough, there's
not much call for those.

- Humphries.
- Yes Mr. Granger?

- Send that girl back
to her own department.

- She's been seconded to us, Mr. Granger.

- Been what?

- Placed here at Captain
Peacock's request.

- Oh, well we'll soon see about that.

Captain Peacock, are you free?

- At present, yes.

- Could I have a word with you?

- Yes, what is it?

- Well, I have a very serious complaint.

Oh, dang.

- It doesn't appear to
be getting any better.

- [Lucas] Can I help you, madam?

- Oh, is there an assistant free?

- Well I'm assisting at this counter.

- Oh, oh.

Well, you see the suit I'm wearing?

Well I'm not very happy in it.

- (Laughing) No, I can quite
understand that, madam,

it is a bit old fashioned, isn't it.

You want something new?

- New, but it is new.

I bought it here, yesterday.

- Let me have another look.

Ah yes, it's one of our revival lines.

An echo of the '40s.

- Well you see, I feel that I'm
not very happy with the fit.

And I feel that it's all a bit too loose.

- Yes, that's the trouble with
some of the revival lines,

they are a bit on the
loose side, you know.

Let me have a look and
see what size you are.

Oh yes, a revived 45.

- Well I would like a smaller size.

- I'm afraid we can't do that madam,

on account of the fact that
you've already worn it, you see.

However, we can soon
have it altered for you.

Now let me just see how it fits.

Put your arms, how is it under the arms?

Oh yes, and down.

Oh that is cozy, isn't it?

I mean it's a cozy fit.

- Yes, it is. (giggling)

- Could I have me hands back please?

Now, how is it on the chest?

- Oh, I'm not complaining about the chest.

- Neither am I.

- It's the skirt.

- Ah, that.

I'll just get me chalk.

- You'll need a bigger piece than that.

- Now, exactly whereabouts
on the skirt, madam?

- Oh well, it's a little bit embarrassing.

It's what they call the derriere.

(laughs)

- Well we specialize in derrieres, madam.

My Jewish friends call me
Lucas the Tucas, you know.

And what is the problem?

- Oh, it seems to droop at the back.

- The derriere, or the skirt?

(laughing)

- The skirt, the skirt droops down there.

- Ah yes of course, what
we need is a tuck in there.

(shouts excitedly)

- No no no no, you can't do that you see,

because when I sit down, it'll ride up.

- Quite right madam, quite right.

No tuck to the--

(laughs excitedly)

- Well you see, actually it's the waist.

Look, you can get your
hand right in there.

- Really?

Let me have a look.

Oh yes, oh, hold on.

I've dropped me chalk down there.

Don't move.

- Oh, I won't! (laughing)

- What do you think you're doing?

(laughing excitedly)

- I'm trying to find me chalk.

I think it's wedged in
the customers derriere.

- Come away.

- But I can't leave me chalk in there,

I've got to account for it.

- Go on, get off.

- Could you ask her to jump about a bit?

- What seems to be the trouble?

- The lady wants two inches off the waist

to counteract her drooping derriere.

- Oh I see, oh that's quite
a small alteration madam.

A day or so, depending on where you live.

- I live in London.

- Oh, well that's quite
simple isn't it Mr. Lucas?

- Yes, of course, what could be

simpler than a London derriere?

(laughing)

- Could I help you, sir?

- Yes, fetch me a pair of
trousers like these, will you lad?

- I don't actually fetch anything, sir.

- Well how do you mean?

- I don't serve sir, I
just direct the customers.

You will excuse me a moment?

- Mr. Granger.

- Yes, Captain Peacock?

- Are you free?

Mr. Humphries.

- Yes Captain Peacock?

- Are you free?

- Yes I'm free Captain Peacock.

- A pair of trousers for the gentlemen.

- Yeah, is that all you do?

- Yes.

- Oh cushy job. (laughing)

- The customer is always right, sir.

- Walk this way, sir.

What color was it you had in mind?

- Fawn.

- There we are sir, fawn.

Now then, your waist, excuse me.

We're not holding it in, are we?

34.

Inside leg?

- I don't know.

- Ms. Brahms?

Take the gentleman's inside leg.

- You must be joking.

- Come on dear.

- No!

It's not ladylike.

- Well I do it.

What are you afraid of?

- The unknown.

I tell you what, I'll
give you an estimate.

- I'll tell you what, come 'round here

with me and hold this tape measure.

Now hold it there, quite still.

Would you step this way sir?

Excuse me a moment.

Stand at peace!

What is it?

- [Brahms] 29.

(applause)

- There we are, miss.

Don't worry if the night
dress is a bit long.

You'll find it'll ride up with wear.

- Oh Mr. Lucas, I won't
be many more minutes.

I'm just finishing my coffee break.

I'm sure you won't mind folding the hort.

- Aw blimey, are you still here mate?

- Well what does it look like?

Another ten minutes, and
my bird will have flown.

- I think I'll can help you there.

Hold on a minute.

Oh deary deary me, look what I've done.

I've spilled slippery
polish all over the floor.

I do hope no one slips on it.

They might break a leg.

Or at least injure themselves enough

to have to go home and
rest for the afternoon.

Am I being too subtle for you?

- No. (laughs)

I'll give it a try.

All right, here goes.

(yelling)

- Captain Peacock Captain Peacock,

Mr. Lucas has broken his leg, sir!

Captain Peacock!

- Oh, poor Mr. Lucas.

- [Peacock] What on Earth is going on?

- Ah, Mr. Lucas has broken his leg, sir.

- Mr. Humphries, ring for an ambulance,

we need to get him to hospital.

- No it's all right,
I've only sprained it.

Just let me go home and get
in bed for the afternoon,

I'll be as right as rain.

- I heard a cry from my
office, what's happening?

- Accident, Mr. Rumbold,

Mr. Lucas has sprained his ankle, sir.

- Oh, poor fellow.

I can smell a strong smell
of peppermint around here.

Unless I must mistake it, I can smell rum.

- Ah yeah, I was just
giving Mr. Lucas a bit.

To revive him.

Oh, there's none left.

- I think he's quite
able to carry on, sir.

- Don't be so callous, Peacock.

We're not in the desert now.

- He wasn't in the desert then.

- I'll help you to a taxi,
we'll send your straight home.

- Thank you very much Mr. Rumbold,

I can't tell you how much
I appreciate it, sir.

- Good morning everybody.

- Good morning.

- What's the matter with young Mr. Lucas?

- Oh it's nothing serious
sir, just a sprained ankle.

- Yes, I'm just going home
to jump straight into bed.

- Nonsense nonsense, you
can't a chance with an ankle.

Sit there.

Put him into my Royals Royce--

- And drive me straight home.

- And drive him straight to the hospital.

- [Rumbold] I will sir,
and tell them he's coming.

- Yes, make sure he gets a proper X-ray,

and make an appointment with
Dr. Garstin for this afternoon.

He's the best in the country.

- That's most generous sir.

When Grace Brothers take care of you,

you can forget your worries and pains.

- Yes, and forget all
your pleasures as well.

- Well then, carry on everybody.

You're all looking very well.

- Oh dear, have I missed something?

- Yes, Mr. Lucas slipped
on the stairs, fell down.

Mr. Rumbold came in an said,

"Oh dear, you must have the day off."

Then Mr.--

I'll push a note to you under the door.

(applause)

♫ Ground floor perfumery

♫ Stationery and leather goods

♫ Wigs and haberdashery

♫ Kitchen ware and food

♫ Going up

♫ First floor telephones

♫ Gents ready-made suits

♫ Shirt socks, ties, hats

♫ Underwear and shoes

♫ Going up

♫ Second floor carpets

♫ Travel goods and bedding

♫ Material, soft furnishings

♫ Restaurant and teas

♫ Going down