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1
00:02:14,134 --> 00:02:17,003
I don't know why.
I've always been big on happy endings.
2
00:02:17,203 --> 00:02:19,973
To me, the most romantic,
beautiful love stories...
3
00:02:20,207 --> 00:02:22,876
...were the ones where
two people meet, fall in love...
4
00:02:23,110 --> 00:02:25,779
...then 50, 60 years later
one of them dies.
5
00:02:26,045 --> 00:02:28,215
A few days after,
the other one dies...
6
00:02:28,448 --> 00:02:31,184
...because they just can't live
without each other.
7
00:02:32,419 --> 00:02:36,490
Not that that's such a happy ending.
You got two dead people.
8
00:02:36,690 --> 00:02:39,392
That's how I thought things would be
for Katie and me.
9
00:02:40,159 --> 00:02:44,330
Not that we'd be dead,
but that we would be together forever.
10
00:02:47,533 --> 00:02:50,804
Now, High/Low.
Who wants to go first? Erin?
11
00:02:51,203 --> 00:02:55,509
Okay, my high today is that I sat
next to Austin Butler at lunch.
12
00:02:55,708 --> 00:02:57,643
-Nice.
-He has the three-legged dog?
13
00:02:57,843 --> 00:03:01,213
Joel has the three-legged dog.
Austin has the snoring turtle.
14
00:03:01,447 --> 00:03:02,615
And your low?
15
00:03:03,549 --> 00:03:05,818
-Camp.
-What about camp?
16
00:03:06,252 --> 00:03:07,286
I don't know.
17
00:03:07,486 --> 00:03:09,788
You had such a good time last year.
18
00:03:09,989 --> 00:03:12,424
-I know.
-What is it?
19
00:03:12,625 --> 00:03:15,628
Are you afraid you'll lose touch
with Austin?
20
00:03:16,328 --> 00:03:18,864
-I don't know.
-You can write to each other.
21
00:03:19,064 --> 00:03:22,168
You can put X's and O's on there.
Guys love that, right?
22
00:03:22,368 --> 00:03:24,136
Can't get enough of it.
23
00:03:24,336 --> 00:03:25,838
Honey, you'll have a great time.
24
00:03:26,104 --> 00:03:28,607
What about you?
What was your high today?
25
00:03:28,807 --> 00:03:31,043
Gary Ellis' mom bought a new juicer...
26
00:03:31,277 --> 00:03:33,578
...and I went to his house
and drank a chicken.
27
00:03:35,114 --> 00:03:36,281
And your low?
28
00:03:36,682 --> 00:03:37,883
I don't have a low.
29
00:03:38,083 --> 00:03:39,584
You gotta have a low.
30
00:03:39,784 --> 00:03:42,854
I've been racking my brain.
I do not have a low.
31
00:03:43,054 --> 00:03:45,957
We'll enter the chicken smoothie
in the high and low category.
32
00:03:46,158 --> 00:03:47,125
How about you, Mama?
33
00:03:48,393 --> 00:03:52,198
I know. It's your anniversary.
What are you guys doing tomorrow?
34
00:03:52,397 --> 00:03:56,034
-I'm taking her to a romantic dinner...
-Dad's taking me dancing.
35
00:03:56,268 --> 00:03:57,802
...and possibly some dancing.
36
00:03:58,036 --> 00:04:00,004
But you're right.
That is our high.
37
00:04:00,205 --> 00:04:02,207
I'd love to stick around
for your low...
38
00:04:02,407 --> 00:04:05,075
...but the Dodgers are playing the Giants.
39
00:04:05,477 --> 00:04:07,144
-Can I go too?
-Go.
40
00:04:17,155 --> 00:04:19,824
I really don't care what we do
tomorrow night.
41
00:04:21,258 --> 00:04:23,094
Even if we're
at different restaurants.
42
00:04:23,293 --> 00:04:27,966
Just as long as the kids see us leaving
together and coming home together.
43
00:04:32,136 --> 00:04:36,140
On our first anniversary,
I gave Ben a plastic spoon.
44
00:04:36,340 --> 00:04:38,976
You know, the takeout kind
from a Chinese restaurant?
45
00:04:39,277 --> 00:04:40,745
It was the one we had used...
46
00:04:40,978 --> 00:04:44,448
...when we shared our first bowl
of won ton soup in the park.
47
00:04:44,816 --> 00:04:46,583
He was afraid he'd lost it...
48
00:04:46,818 --> 00:04:48,853
...and I remember how
his face lit up...
49
00:04:49,086 --> 00:04:52,523
...when he opened the jewelry box
I had wrapped it in.
50
00:04:55,125 --> 00:04:57,327
I keep asking myself:
51
00:04:57,528 --> 00:04:59,630
"When is that moment in a marriage...
52
00:04:59,863 --> 00:05:03,333
...when a spoon becomes just a spoon?"
53
00:05:20,817 --> 00:05:23,319
When I met Katie,
I wrote on a comedy show...
54
00:05:23,519 --> 00:05:25,756
...and she had been hired as a temp.
55
00:05:26,355 --> 00:05:30,561
I don't know. It's hard to explain.
There was an instant connection...
56
00:05:30,793 --> 00:05:34,097
...this simpatico.
I felt like she just got me.
57
00:05:34,363 --> 00:05:38,434
And there is no greater feeling
in this world than to feel gotten.
58
00:06:40,195 --> 00:06:42,330
The loudest silences are the ones...
59
00:06:42,597 --> 00:06:45,133
...filled with everything
that's been said...
60
00:06:45,434 --> 00:06:47,969
...said wrong, said 300 times.
61
00:06:48,170 --> 00:06:49,670
You're not hearing me.
62
00:06:49,971 --> 00:06:51,540
You're so goddamn critical!
63
00:06:51,840 --> 00:06:54,009
It's hard with two kids.
I don't need a third.
64
00:06:54,209 --> 00:06:57,546
You're perfect, and I've done
nothing right in 15 years!
65
00:06:57,778 --> 00:06:58,814
You're not listening!
66
00:06:59,014 --> 00:07:00,514
You can't let go of anything!
67
00:07:00,782 --> 00:07:01,949
You never listen!
68
00:07:02,150 --> 00:07:03,818
You hold on to everything!
69
00:07:04,018 --> 00:07:05,986
Why should you be responsible
for anything?!
70
00:07:06,188 --> 00:07:08,323
You're critical of every
fucking thing!
71
00:07:08,522 --> 00:07:10,524
I take care of everything here.
72
00:07:10,791 --> 00:07:11,693
-Fine!
-Fine!
73
00:07:11,959 --> 00:07:13,294
-Fine!
-Fine!
74
00:07:14,628 --> 00:07:18,199
Until fighting becomes the condition
rather than the exception.
75
00:07:18,400 --> 00:07:22,369
And suddenly, it turns into
the language of the relationship...
76
00:07:22,571 --> 00:07:27,141
...and your only option is
a silent retreat to neutral corners.
77
00:07:33,080 --> 00:07:35,082
-Okay, are you a person?
-Yes.
78
00:07:35,382 --> 00:07:36,484
Are you a man?
79
00:07:36,750 --> 00:07:38,652
-That's debatable.
-Debatable?
80
00:07:38,919 --> 00:07:40,721
-Do you have a mustache?
-A thick one.
81
00:07:40,988 --> 00:07:42,222
-Aunt Rose.
-Right.
82
00:07:43,590 --> 00:07:45,559
Good old Aunt "5:00 Shadow" Rose.
83
00:07:45,793 --> 00:07:48,962
God, it's almost 9.
We're gonna miss the camp bus.
84
00:07:49,330 --> 00:07:52,133
Now, that is what I call
a mobile home.
85
00:07:52,398 --> 00:07:54,068
Can you get around it?
It's 5 to 9!
86
00:07:54,334 --> 00:07:57,505
-They must change their zip code a lot.
-It happens as we speak.
87
00:07:57,737 --> 00:08:00,341
Look. 91 604. 91 604.
88
00:08:00,607 --> 00:08:02,008
91 605!
89
00:08:02,209 --> 00:08:04,511
-Pass it.
-Their mailman must go crazy.
90
00:08:04,711 --> 00:08:06,746
The kids will miss their bus.
91
00:08:07,014 --> 00:08:10,550
Up on the second floor!
Somebody's about to use the bathroom!
92
00:08:10,784 --> 00:08:12,752
We're in the line of fire!
93
00:08:13,020 --> 00:08:15,890
Would you just pass
the goddamn house?!
94
00:08:23,630 --> 00:08:25,799
Look, the house is making a right.
95
00:08:28,868 --> 00:08:31,571
When I was in college,
we had to write a term paper.
96
00:08:31,771 --> 00:08:35,442
It was for some philosophy course
I was taking...
97
00:08:35,708 --> 00:08:37,911
...on any book we considered...
98
00:08:38,111 --> 00:08:41,647
...to be the one that best depicted
how we viewed the world.
99
00:08:41,881 --> 00:08:45,418
I remember some people picking books
by the great thinkers...
100
00:08:45,651 --> 00:08:49,322
...like Kierkegaard and Plato.
Some kids chose the Bible.
101
00:08:50,090 --> 00:08:53,092
I did my paper on
Harold and the Purple Crayon.
102
00:08:53,593 --> 00:08:55,761
It's a small book
about a little boy...
103
00:08:56,062 --> 00:08:58,932
...who draws the world
the way he wants it to be...
104
00:08:59,131 --> 00:09:00,834
...with his magic crayon.
105
00:09:01,300 --> 00:09:04,570
And I just loved that book because...
106
00:09:04,837 --> 00:09:07,573
...it was about everything
that I wasn't.
107
00:09:10,510 --> 00:09:12,644
You wanna write crossword puzzles?
108
00:09:12,911 --> 00:09:14,980
That's a job somebody wants to do?
109
00:09:16,014 --> 00:09:17,783
And you'd get paid to do this?
110
00:09:18,050 --> 00:09:20,652
So you know stuff like
Ra is the sun god.
111
00:09:20,919 --> 00:09:24,990
And the symbol for radium
and the abbreviation for regular army.
112
00:09:25,357 --> 00:09:27,326
Should I be impressed or terrified?
113
00:09:27,526 --> 00:09:29,528
I find it soothing and reassuring...
114
00:09:29,762 --> 00:09:32,030
...because you know
there are always answers.
115
00:09:32,230 --> 00:09:35,167
Yeah, but not to the really
big questions like:
116
00:09:35,467 --> 00:09:37,970
"Does God exist?"
"What is the meaning of life?"
117
00:09:38,269 --> 00:09:40,739
"Why does my pee smell funny
when I eat asparagus?"
118
00:09:41,038 --> 00:09:43,275
Aspartic acid, hence the name.
119
00:09:45,877 --> 00:09:47,712
And this soothes you?
120
00:09:48,147 --> 00:09:51,949
Yes, since you'll never find
the answers to the big questions...
121
00:09:52,151 --> 00:09:55,720
...there's a comfort in finding
the answers to the little ones.
122
00:09:56,120 --> 00:09:57,889
When you finish, there's this...
123
00:09:58,991 --> 00:10:01,192
...wonderful sense
of closure, knowing...
124
00:10:01,459 --> 00:10:05,229
...that that little world
on that half-page is complete.
125
00:10:11,769 --> 00:10:13,671
You left yourself wide open.
126
00:10:15,940 --> 00:10:17,675
Come to Papa!
127
00:10:18,709 --> 00:10:20,812
But the problem in a marriage is...
128
00:10:21,012 --> 00:10:25,249
...if one person is always Harold,
drawing the world the way they want...
129
00:10:25,550 --> 00:10:30,088
...the other person has no choice
but to draw it the way it is.
130
00:10:30,521 --> 00:10:33,657
Which is why they never wrote a book
about Harold's wife.
131
00:10:33,891 --> 00:10:35,659
-They're leaving!
-They're not!
132
00:10:39,729 --> 00:10:41,164
Grab your bags!
133
00:10:42,200 --> 00:10:43,600
Wait! Wait!
134
00:10:44,434 --> 00:10:45,470
Hold it!
135
00:10:46,003 --> 00:10:47,337
Two more coming!
136
00:10:48,505 --> 00:10:51,108
-Thank you, Marty.
-No problem.
137
00:10:52,109 --> 00:10:54,544
I love you.
Have a great time.
138
00:10:54,979 --> 00:10:56,446
-All right, kid.
-Bye, Dad.
139
00:10:57,014 --> 00:10:59,583
-Take your sister's bag.
-Have a great time.
140
00:10:59,850 --> 00:11:01,184
Love you.
141
00:11:08,258 --> 00:11:10,460
-I love you.
-I love you.
142
00:12:01,110 --> 00:12:04,747
If you need me for anything,
I'll be at the Oceana.
143
00:12:05,648 --> 00:12:08,317
Anything comes up with the kids,
give me a call.
144
00:12:08,616 --> 00:12:10,152
Of course.
145
00:12:14,190 --> 00:12:16,658
Isn't this the moment
where one of us says:
146
00:12:16,926 --> 00:12:19,261
"This is ridiculous.
We love each other.
147
00:12:19,527 --> 00:12:22,665
All couples go through this.
Let's give it another try"?
148
00:12:46,154 --> 00:12:48,156
My ass was on television this morning.
149
00:12:49,791 --> 00:12:50,725
What are you telling us?
150
00:12:50,959 --> 00:12:52,994
I'm telling you,
my ass was on TV.
151
00:12:53,228 --> 00:12:55,096
That's right. That was that special.
152
00:12:55,363 --> 00:12:58,366
"The Kennedy Center Salutes
50 Years of Stan's Ass."
153
00:12:58,633 --> 00:13:02,003
I went to the doctor, he took a tube
with a little camera on it...
154
00:13:02,303 --> 00:13:06,040
...stuck it up my ass and we
watched it on a monitor in his office.
155
00:13:06,341 --> 00:13:08,276
-You had a sigmoidoscopy.
-Exactly.
156
00:13:08,543 --> 00:13:10,845
That's different
than your ass being on TV.
157
00:13:11,179 --> 00:13:12,746
-How?
-First of all...
158
00:13:13,014 --> 00:13:14,916
...a network can't cancel your ass.
159
00:13:15,183 --> 00:13:16,484
Point well taken.
160
00:13:16,717 --> 00:13:19,187
What demographics
do you hope to knock down...
161
00:13:19,486 --> 00:13:21,655
...with that big crack
winking at you?
162
00:13:21,923 --> 00:13:25,393
We're in public. Can we
elevate the level of conversation?
163
00:13:25,626 --> 00:13:26,894
-Fine with me.
-Good.
164
00:13:27,161 --> 00:13:29,730
I jerked off to your secretary.
Do you mind?
165
00:13:29,998 --> 00:13:31,665
-Why should I mind?
-I don't know.
166
00:13:31,865 --> 00:13:34,002
I wanna forge ahead
with a clear conscience.
167
00:13:34,368 --> 00:13:35,437
Pound away.
168
00:13:35,702 --> 00:13:37,004
You're a good friend.
169
00:13:37,371 --> 00:13:41,875
Larry wanted to have sex last night.
He even gave me the 30-second massage.
170
00:13:42,176 --> 00:13:45,846
You mean the "I really care
that you had a bad day" back rub...
171
00:13:46,080 --> 00:13:48,115
...that stops just before you relax...
172
00:13:48,382 --> 00:13:51,185
...then quickly heads south
towards the promised land?
173
00:13:51,452 --> 00:13:52,753
So did you make love?
174
00:13:53,053 --> 00:13:55,456
-I was too tired.
-How'd you get out of it?
175
00:13:55,756 --> 00:13:58,025
I pretended to fall asleep
during the massage.
176
00:13:58,225 --> 00:13:59,859
I did that heavy breathing thing.
177
00:14:00,094 --> 00:14:01,894
So he thinks you're in deep REM?
178
00:14:02,096 --> 00:14:04,932
But it backfired,
because when I really fell asleep...
179
00:14:05,165 --> 00:14:08,734
...the baby started crying,
then Larry pretended he was asleep.
180
00:14:09,036 --> 00:14:12,406
Fool! lf he had just gotten up
with the baby, you would've...
181
00:14:12,606 --> 00:14:16,209
...opened the gates and welcomed
the troops home for Christmas.
182
00:14:16,443 --> 00:14:17,778
In a heartbeat.
183
00:14:18,044 --> 00:14:19,780
What's up with you and Charlene?
184
00:14:20,013 --> 00:14:22,115
Oh, we had a great night last night.
185
00:14:22,415 --> 00:14:24,685
And you still claim
you're not cheating?
186
00:14:24,951 --> 00:14:27,153
I maintain that
with every fiber of my being.
187
00:14:27,387 --> 00:14:28,756
On-line sex isn't cheating.
188
00:14:28,955 --> 00:14:30,157
How do you figure?
189
00:14:30,423 --> 00:14:33,494
It's 3 a.m., your wife and kids
are sleeping upstairs...
190
00:14:33,793 --> 00:14:36,897
...and you're downstairs
fucking some bimbo in cyberspace.
191
00:14:37,096 --> 00:14:40,466
First of all, we're not fucking.
We're typing.
192
00:14:40,767 --> 00:14:43,136
Second, and this is me
taking umbrage...
193
00:14:43,336 --> 00:14:45,772
...Charlene is not some bimbo.
194
00:14:45,972 --> 00:14:47,807
She's a stockbroker named Ralph...
195
00:14:47,974 --> 00:14:50,176
...pretending to be some bimbo
named Charlene.
196
00:14:50,475 --> 00:14:52,245
Why piss on something so beautiful?
197
00:14:53,279 --> 00:14:54,247
What'd I say?
198
00:14:54,479 --> 00:14:55,615
It's not an affair.
199
00:14:55,814 --> 00:14:58,451
Teresa never had sex with him.
They just kissed.
200
00:14:58,985 --> 00:15:01,821
-A kiss is an affair.
-You think so?
201
00:15:02,053 --> 00:15:03,022
Absolutely.
202
00:15:03,255 --> 00:15:06,858
Once you establish anything
truly intimate with another person...
203
00:15:07,160 --> 00:15:08,693
...even talking...
204
00:15:08,995 --> 00:15:12,330
...it affects the person you're
the most intimate with.
205
00:15:12,598 --> 00:15:16,168
But Teresa could fuck her husband,
she just couldn't kiss him.
206
00:15:16,469 --> 00:15:17,970
I mean, really kiss him.
207
00:15:18,203 --> 00:15:19,372
It's not so crazy.
208
00:15:19,671 --> 00:15:22,174
Sometimes I'm so angry at Stan,
I could fuck him...
209
00:15:22,474 --> 00:15:24,342
...but I don't want
that cow tongue near me.
210
00:15:24,543 --> 00:15:27,879
A kiss can be so much more
intimate than sex.
211
00:15:28,613 --> 00:15:29,648
Why is that?
212
00:15:29,881 --> 00:15:33,185
Because fucking means,
"Yeah, I love you." But a kiss....
213
00:15:33,452 --> 00:15:35,620
A kiss means, "I like you."
214
00:15:36,488 --> 00:15:38,623
That's so right.
215
00:15:39,024 --> 00:15:43,462
I haven't made out, I mean,
really made out with Larry for years.
216
00:15:43,895 --> 00:15:45,263
Doesn't that make you sad?
217
00:15:45,864 --> 00:15:47,098
Not really.
218
00:15:48,333 --> 00:15:49,334
Why?
219
00:15:50,235 --> 00:15:51,470
I don't know.
220
00:15:51,703 --> 00:15:55,040
Because it's inevitable.
It's the wear and tear of the job.
221
00:15:55,272 --> 00:15:57,542
The diapers, the tantrums,
the homework.
222
00:15:57,776 --> 00:16:00,245
The kingdom, species,
your mom, his mom.
223
00:16:00,512 --> 00:16:03,715
Suddenly, all you're aware of is
the wet towels on the floor...
224
00:16:03,981 --> 00:16:06,784
...he hogs the remote and
he scratches his back with a fork.
225
00:16:06,985 --> 00:16:10,555
And you come face to face with
the truth that it's impossible...
226
00:16:10,821 --> 00:16:13,524
...to kiss a person who leaves
the new roll of toilet paper...
227
00:16:13,758 --> 00:16:15,861
...on top of the empty cardboard roll!
228
00:16:16,093 --> 00:16:19,597
God forbid he takes the two seconds
to actually replace it!
229
00:16:19,864 --> 00:16:22,333
Does he not see it?!
230
00:16:23,100 --> 00:16:27,071
I'm telling you, marriage is
the Jack Kevorkian of romance.
231
00:16:30,174 --> 00:16:31,742
Oh, God!
232
00:16:35,079 --> 00:16:36,680
Jesus! Shit!
233
00:16:37,114 --> 00:16:38,749
-He hit me!
-I didn't!
234
00:16:38,949 --> 00:16:41,519
I was leaving the room,
she stood in my way.
235
00:16:41,751 --> 00:16:43,888
-He did it on purpose.
-Guys, hold on!
236
00:16:46,190 --> 00:16:47,458
Ben? What?!
237
00:16:49,192 --> 00:16:52,562
Katie, you won't believe
what I'm standing in front of.
238
00:16:52,763 --> 00:16:55,032
They're tearing down
our old apartment.
239
00:16:55,298 --> 00:16:56,467
-What?
-See?!
240
00:16:56,733 --> 00:16:58,067
Josh, did you hit her?
241
00:16:58,302 --> 00:16:59,770
She started it!
242
00:17:00,036 --> 00:17:02,272
I told her never to come in my room
without asking.
243
00:17:02,473 --> 00:17:04,408
It's heading for Mrs. Gutierrez's.
244
00:17:04,641 --> 00:17:06,042
There goes her window!
245
00:17:06,242 --> 00:17:08,111
You borrowed her Discman
without asking?!
246
00:17:08,311 --> 00:17:10,380
Yeah, but she was done with it.
247
00:17:10,614 --> 00:17:12,949
She hasn't used the Discman
in two days!
248
00:17:14,451 --> 00:17:17,921
Just hit Jack Roikman's place.
Remember his patriotic orgasms?
249
00:17:18,221 --> 00:17:21,591
"God bless America! God bless America!
Land that I love!"
250
00:17:21,891 --> 00:17:23,560
Can't you let him use yours?
251
00:17:23,760 --> 00:17:25,562
No! He never lets me use it!
252
00:17:26,096 --> 00:17:28,431
Ben, I can't talk right now.
253
00:17:28,631 --> 00:17:32,301
This is where you and I started.
This is where we became an "us."
254
00:17:34,104 --> 00:17:36,773
Just hit where we used to
measure the kids' heights.
255
00:17:37,005 --> 00:17:40,677
Ben, I-- Josh, you shouldn't have
hit your sister. No TV for a week.
256
00:17:40,944 --> 00:17:42,212
You're so unfair!
257
00:17:42,411 --> 00:17:43,680
Wait until I tell Dad!
258
00:17:45,247 --> 00:17:47,850
Jesus Christ! I gotta go!
Are you okay?
259
00:17:52,087 --> 00:17:53,355
Goddamn it!
260
00:17:54,656 --> 00:17:56,326
Fantasizing isn't cheating?
261
00:17:56,592 --> 00:17:59,495
Oh, please! Who is getting hurt?
262
00:17:59,763 --> 00:18:02,432
Yesterday, I met this
stunning blond woman...
263
00:18:02,664 --> 00:18:05,000
...at the Beverly Center food court.
264
00:18:05,268 --> 00:18:07,971
She had a little ring
in the bellybutton.
265
00:18:08,270 --> 00:18:09,705
But you know what?
266
00:18:09,939 --> 00:18:13,008
I forgave her because
it wasn't in her eyebrow or tongue.
267
00:18:13,275 --> 00:18:14,910
Beautiful. We start chatting...
268
00:18:15,177 --> 00:18:18,480
...and we strike up a conversation,
waiting for our turkey.
269
00:18:18,680 --> 00:18:21,450
I'm telling you,
she's smiling, I'm smiling...
270
00:18:21,650 --> 00:18:23,685
...and just that
30-second encounter...
271
00:18:23,952 --> 00:18:27,689
...will do wonders for me when
I'm shaking hands with the sheriff.
272
00:18:27,890 --> 00:18:30,025
I know exactly what
you're talking about.
273
00:18:30,225 --> 00:18:32,326
-Am I wrong?
-No, you're right!
274
00:18:32,628 --> 00:18:35,630
The other day, I told a joke
to this intriguing woman...
275
00:18:35,964 --> 00:18:37,499
...that I met at the cleaners.
276
00:18:37,732 --> 00:18:40,401
If this were the '30s,
she'd be a Communist...
277
00:18:40,669 --> 00:18:42,637
...or at least
a Communist sympathizer.
278
00:18:42,871 --> 00:18:46,241
But the point is, the way
she laughed at that joke...
279
00:18:46,474 --> 00:18:49,210
...reminded me of how Rachel
used to laugh at my jokes.
280
00:18:49,511 --> 00:18:51,245
You gonna follow up?
281
00:18:51,479 --> 00:18:52,747
I could never do that.
282
00:18:53,015 --> 00:18:57,086
I think the Ten Commandments were
probably a lot easier to stick to...
283
00:18:57,351 --> 00:18:59,188
...when you dropped dead at 35.
284
00:18:59,420 --> 00:19:01,589
I mean, we--
They should be amended.
285
00:19:01,890 --> 00:19:04,058
A little amendment,
like the Constitution.
286
00:19:04,258 --> 00:19:08,229
"Thou shalt not covet
thy neighbor's house, wife or ass.
287
00:19:08,930 --> 00:19:12,200
But if you have to covet
your neighbor's wife's ass...
288
00:19:12,400 --> 00:19:14,502
...don't do it
in thy neighbor's house."
289
00:19:14,735 --> 00:19:18,506
A simple amendment, two-thirds
majority, slide through both Houses.
290
00:19:18,706 --> 00:19:22,577
Seriously, name me one guy you know
who's never cheated on his wife.
291
00:19:22,777 --> 00:19:24,211
I wasn't cheating!
292
00:19:24,445 --> 00:19:28,549
I walk into your office,
and I hear you telling some Sara...
293
00:19:28,750 --> 00:19:33,287
...intimate details about our
relationship, about our problems.
294
00:19:33,554 --> 00:19:36,758
Obviously there's something going on
between you and her.
295
00:19:37,023 --> 00:19:39,893
Nothing is going on between us!
We were just talking!
296
00:19:40,094 --> 00:19:42,096
About us?! About our life?!
297
00:19:42,330 --> 00:19:44,265
We were just talking!
298
00:19:44,531 --> 00:19:47,234
That's not talking!
That's a relationship!
299
00:19:47,467 --> 00:19:50,438
Why didn't you tell me about her
if there's nothing to hide?
300
00:19:50,737 --> 00:19:52,906
I just needed somebody to talk to!
301
00:19:53,107 --> 00:19:56,410
Bullshit! Why didn't you talk to me?!
302
00:19:56,743 --> 00:19:58,378
Mommy, I need a drink of water!
303
00:19:59,146 --> 00:20:00,614
I'll be right there!
304
00:20:00,881 --> 00:20:02,916
You wanna know why
I don't talk to you?
305
00:20:03,150 --> 00:20:06,887
You treat me like I'm a big pain
in the ass that gets in the way...
306
00:20:07,120 --> 00:20:10,323
...of what otherwise would be
a normal, organized life!
307
00:20:10,624 --> 00:20:14,093
Have you ever thought that
everything isn't always about you?
308
00:20:14,728 --> 00:20:18,999
Maybe I'm tired! Maybe I'm dealing
with 5000 things all day long!
309
00:20:19,199 --> 00:20:22,168
Maybe every need you have
doesn't have to be met...
310
00:20:22,368 --> 00:20:25,839
...at the exact moment
you need it to be met!
311
00:20:26,472 --> 00:20:28,675
God, we have actual kids here, Ben.
312
00:20:28,875 --> 00:20:30,911
I am not a third child!
313
00:20:31,143 --> 00:20:34,014
I am not talking about having
each of my needs met!
314
00:20:34,247 --> 00:20:36,015
I'm talking about a connection!
315
00:20:36,283 --> 00:20:40,519
A look! Something that says
that we're on the same side here!
316
00:20:41,087 --> 00:20:43,023
Why don't you talk
to your girlfriend?
317
00:20:43,255 --> 00:20:46,492
I'm sure she can help us
get back on the same side.
318
00:20:54,501 --> 00:20:58,003
To have a happy marriage is to accept
the chasm between men and women.
319
00:20:58,237 --> 00:20:59,271
Which is?
320
00:20:59,505 --> 00:21:01,407
He can mend a fight with sex.
321
00:21:01,674 --> 00:21:04,008
She can't have sex
until the fight's resolved.
322
00:21:04,443 --> 00:21:05,376
Why is that?
323
00:21:05,644 --> 00:21:08,147
It's the difference between
the penis and the vagina.
324
00:21:08,447 --> 00:21:12,284
A penis is a thruster,
a battering ram, if you will.
325
00:21:12,485 --> 00:21:15,453
Even if it's mad, it can ram.
Sometimes it even helps.
326
00:21:15,654 --> 00:21:18,256
It's the "mad-ram principle."
However, the vagina....
327
00:21:18,524 --> 00:21:19,691
The vagina!
328
00:21:20,992 --> 00:21:25,697
The vagina has to be relaxed
in order to open and receive.
329
00:21:26,031 --> 00:21:28,634
It can't be a gracious hostess
in a state of anger.
330
00:21:28,868 --> 00:21:30,803
That goes for blowjobs
and kissing too.
331
00:21:31,002 --> 00:21:35,874
Every female point of entry needs
to know that the penis is coming...
332
00:21:36,308 --> 00:21:37,543
...in peace.
333
00:21:37,809 --> 00:21:40,078
-Do you have Sweet'N Low?
-Is Equal okay?
334
00:21:40,346 --> 00:21:41,446
Whatever.
335
00:21:46,718 --> 00:21:49,921
I've always felt no matter what
we were going through...
336
00:21:50,155 --> 00:21:51,923
...no matter how painful things got...
337
00:21:52,157 --> 00:21:54,492
...if our feet found each other
under the blankets...
338
00:21:54,726 --> 00:21:56,761
...even just the slightest
connection...
339
00:21:56,961 --> 00:21:59,731
...it'd tell us we'd entered
the demilitarized zone...
340
00:21:59,997 --> 00:22:03,768
...that we were gonna be okay,
that we were still an "us."
341
00:22:05,603 --> 00:22:09,573
There are some hurts that you
never completely get over.
342
00:22:10,107 --> 00:22:14,012
And you think that time will diminish
their presence...
343
00:22:14,244 --> 00:22:16,380
...and to a degree it does...
344
00:22:16,947 --> 00:22:19,451
...but it still hurts,
because, well...
345
00:22:21,219 --> 00:22:22,920
...hurt hurts.
346
00:22:27,459 --> 00:22:29,026
If you lose your room key...
347
00:22:29,259 --> 00:22:31,061
...contact the front desk.
348
00:22:31,295 --> 00:22:34,565
And if you've got valuables,
keep them in the hotel safe.
349
00:22:34,865 --> 00:22:36,267
It's complimentary.
350
00:22:36,533 --> 00:22:39,303
For family dining,
how about a pizza poolside...
351
00:22:39,603 --> 00:22:41,772
...from our Wolfgang Puck Caf�?
352
00:22:41,972 --> 00:22:44,775
Then it's a quick walk to
the Santa Monica Pier and beach.
353
00:22:45,075 --> 00:22:49,279
When the kids are acting up,
the waves will set them straight.
354
00:23:04,595 --> 00:23:07,264
The Patriot is proof positive...
355
00:23:07,463 --> 00:23:09,499
...that missile defense works.
356
00:23:09,733 --> 00:23:12,135
As we've been taught
by Saddam Hussein....
357
00:23:12,402 --> 00:23:16,640
Something about how that man says
"Saddam" makes me want you even more.
358
00:23:29,152 --> 00:23:30,520
Oh, my God!
359
00:23:31,154 --> 00:23:33,189
-The tooth fairy.
-Where?
360
00:23:33,456 --> 00:23:36,659
Josh's tooth. We forgot to put
money under his pillow.
361
00:23:36,993 --> 00:23:40,029
Josh is asleep. I'm sure
this can wait a few minutes.
362
00:23:40,329 --> 00:23:42,999
No, no, baby, we might forget later.
363
00:23:45,501 --> 00:23:47,103
Who goes?
364
00:23:47,770 --> 00:23:49,338
Rock, paper, scissors!
365
00:23:49,639 --> 00:23:50,840
Shit!
366
00:23:53,876 --> 00:23:57,814
Mr. President, I'm entrusting you
with my soon-to-be-naked wife.
367
00:23:58,013 --> 00:23:59,715
Take care of her, the country.
368
00:24:00,516 --> 00:24:01,651
My love to Barbara.
369
00:24:01,951 --> 00:24:03,618
I'll be right back.
370
00:24:12,961 --> 00:24:14,529
I'll be right back!
371
00:25:04,546 --> 00:25:08,349
Everything that's important in
the world is in this bed right now.
372
00:25:11,953 --> 00:25:13,521
I love you.
373
00:25:15,022 --> 00:25:16,290
I love you.
374
00:25:48,621 --> 00:25:52,393
Hi. You've reached the home
of Jordan, Jordan, Jordan and Jordan.
375
00:25:52,659 --> 00:25:54,428
Nary a Jordan is present now.
376
00:25:54,661 --> 00:25:57,597
If you wanna leave a message
for Katie, Ben, Josh or Erin...
377
00:25:57,832 --> 00:26:00,233
...what better time than....
378
00:26:03,136 --> 00:26:04,638
Hi, it's me.
379
00:26:04,871 --> 00:26:07,640
I'm just calling to see
how the kids are doing.
380
00:26:07,941 --> 00:26:10,310
See if you got any post cards
from them.
381
00:26:10,610 --> 00:26:13,414
Anything comes up,
you can give me a call.
382
00:26:15,081 --> 00:26:16,416
Bye-bye.
383
00:26:36,703 --> 00:26:40,840
Listen, I just got your message.
I was in the shower when you called.
384
00:26:42,040 --> 00:26:44,277
The kids seem to be doing really well.
385
00:26:44,511 --> 00:26:46,946
I just put the post cards
in an envelope.
386
00:26:47,714 --> 00:26:50,149
You should be getting them tomorrow.
387
00:26:50,350 --> 00:26:51,350
Good.
388
00:26:53,986 --> 00:26:54,920
You okay?
389
00:26:55,687 --> 00:26:58,157
Yeah, I'm okay. You okay?
390
00:26:58,690 --> 00:27:00,225
Yeah, I'm okay.
391
00:27:07,566 --> 00:27:08,700
Bye.
392
00:27:10,569 --> 00:27:11,870
Bye.
393
00:27:52,910 --> 00:27:53,946
It's me.
394
00:27:58,950 --> 00:28:00,084
How are you?
395
00:28:00,284 --> 00:28:02,420
I'm good. Yeah, really good.
396
00:28:02,721 --> 00:28:03,788
Good.
397
00:28:04,222 --> 00:28:05,456
What's up?
398
00:28:07,024 --> 00:28:08,059
What's up?
399
00:28:10,928 --> 00:28:15,366
I was thinking about the upstairs
bathroom, and I wanted to remind you...
400
00:28:15,599 --> 00:28:17,902
...to schedule that guy
to recaulk the tub.
401
00:28:18,136 --> 00:28:20,138
I've already done it.
402
00:28:22,305 --> 00:28:23,441
Well.
403
00:28:23,875 --> 00:28:24,909
Good.
404
00:28:29,179 --> 00:28:30,715
Then...
405
00:28:32,116 --> 00:28:33,051
...bye.
406
00:28:33,784 --> 00:28:34,986
Bye.
407
00:28:51,568 --> 00:28:55,939
I'm calling to see if you remember
the name of that tree surgeon we used.
408
00:28:56,406 --> 00:28:57,407
Joey Bishop.
409
00:28:58,075 --> 00:28:59,910
Yeah, but no.
410
00:29:00,510 --> 00:29:02,946
-But it was one of those Rat Pack guys.
-Right.
411
00:29:03,180 --> 00:29:04,081
Frank Sinatra?
412
00:29:05,015 --> 00:29:06,349
Dean Martin?
413
00:29:06,750 --> 00:29:07,851
Sammy Davis Jr.?
414
00:29:08,118 --> 00:29:10,520
That's it! Joey Davis Jr.
415
00:29:10,787 --> 00:29:13,190
Joey Davis Jr., the tree surgeon.
416
00:29:13,457 --> 00:29:16,325
I can still see the sign
on that blue truck of his.
417
00:29:16,626 --> 00:29:19,296
Right. Okay, thanks.
418
00:29:22,165 --> 00:29:22,998
Bye.
419
00:29:23,333 --> 00:29:26,368
Listen, your shirts came back
from the cleaners.
420
00:29:29,039 --> 00:29:31,874
Cool. I'll come by and get them.
421
00:29:32,108 --> 00:29:33,776
I can drop them off.
422
00:29:34,009 --> 00:29:36,846
It's fine. I'll be happy
to come and get them.
423
00:29:37,047 --> 00:29:38,448
What would be a good time?
424
00:29:39,648 --> 00:29:40,950
I don't know....
425
00:29:41,184 --> 00:29:44,153
Why don't you come over tomorrow?
I'll be home by 7.
426
00:29:44,353 --> 00:29:45,688
You can stay for dinner.
427
00:29:46,989 --> 00:29:47,957
You sure?
428
00:29:48,558 --> 00:29:49,892
No.
429
00:29:52,528 --> 00:29:53,963
See you tomorrow.
430
00:32:06,325 --> 00:32:07,627
You look like...
431
00:32:08,595 --> 00:32:09,662
...like you.
432
00:32:12,331 --> 00:32:13,800
You too.
433
00:32:21,441 --> 00:32:25,144
I guess I could stand on the porch
all night. I've seen the house.
434
00:32:25,445 --> 00:32:29,549
How many times have we said,
"We should use this porch more often"?
435
00:32:29,816 --> 00:32:33,486
Come in. My house is
literally your house.
436
00:32:33,720 --> 00:32:34,554
Thank you.
437
00:32:39,525 --> 00:32:42,962
-There's my dry cleaning.
-Yeah, I left it out for you.
438
00:32:43,363 --> 00:32:45,732
Good. I'll remember
to take it with me.
439
00:32:45,964 --> 00:32:48,534
Because I could put it
in the closet, but I--
440
00:32:49,902 --> 00:32:52,505
That is perfect
dry cleaning placement.
441
00:32:54,374 --> 00:32:56,476
-You want a drink?
-You want something--?
442
00:32:58,210 --> 00:32:59,578
Want some wine?
443
00:33:00,846 --> 00:33:02,848
I think I remember where it is.
444
00:33:03,582 --> 00:33:06,318
-If memory serves, you like red wine.
-Right.
445
00:33:06,551 --> 00:33:08,721
Yeah, it's all coming back to me.
446
00:33:11,491 --> 00:33:14,193
Wine is breathing a lot better
than I am.
447
00:33:19,431 --> 00:33:22,134
You'll never believe
what I did last night.
448
00:33:22,335 --> 00:33:24,703
I attempted to do
one of your crosswords.
449
00:33:27,773 --> 00:33:28,740
I have a question.
450
00:33:29,174 --> 00:33:32,110
What was 3 down?
Just couldn't get it.
451
00:33:32,344 --> 00:33:35,514
Four letters, "Feeling of
psychological discomfort."
452
00:33:36,381 --> 00:33:37,582
"Blah."
453
00:33:38,884 --> 00:33:40,218
Blah.
454
00:33:43,088 --> 00:33:44,222
Cheers.
455
00:33:44,622 --> 00:33:45,724
Cheers.
456
00:33:58,003 --> 00:33:59,371
Was this always here?
457
00:33:59,637 --> 00:34:01,872
No, I bought it last week.
458
00:34:04,142 --> 00:34:07,211
Any other new appliances
I should know about?
459
00:34:07,912 --> 00:34:10,715
Well, as long as we're
spilling our guts here...
460
00:34:10,981 --> 00:34:13,751
...I also got this new garlic press.
461
00:34:14,318 --> 00:34:17,922
The body's not even cold,
and she's out buying garlic presses.
462
00:34:30,267 --> 00:34:32,069
How do you think the kids are?
463
00:34:32,403 --> 00:34:34,872
From the cards,
it sounds like they're good.
464
00:34:35,139 --> 00:34:37,340
I think Erin misses us,
but she's okay.
465
00:34:38,142 --> 00:34:39,943
Yeah. She seems okay.
466
00:34:40,478 --> 00:34:41,612
You think she's okay?
467
00:34:41,912 --> 00:34:43,413
I think she's okay.
468
00:34:43,647 --> 00:34:46,584
Because I think she senses
that we're not okay...
469
00:34:47,318 --> 00:34:49,686
...and Parents' Weekend is coming.
470
00:34:51,922 --> 00:34:54,090
We'll just have to give her...
471
00:34:54,324 --> 00:34:56,694
...a lot of extra attention...
472
00:34:56,993 --> 00:34:58,361
...and really love her up.
473
00:35:09,372 --> 00:35:10,373
Should we eat?
474
00:35:10,640 --> 00:35:12,142
Yeah, I could eat.
475
00:35:16,446 --> 00:35:18,081
This is really good.
476
00:35:18,348 --> 00:35:19,549
Thanks.
477
00:35:23,118 --> 00:35:24,320
High/Low?
478
00:35:24,520 --> 00:35:25,522
Sure.
479
00:35:26,488 --> 00:35:27,357
Your high?
480
00:35:28,391 --> 00:35:29,726
Honestly?
481
00:35:31,193 --> 00:35:32,362
Right now.
482
00:35:34,230 --> 00:35:35,699
And your low?
483
00:35:37,834 --> 00:35:40,336
Every minute of the last two weeks.
484
00:35:42,271 --> 00:35:43,305
How about you?
485
00:35:45,541 --> 00:35:50,179
My high would have to be the Cuisinart
because I wanted it ever so badly.
486
00:35:50,379 --> 00:35:51,680
And your low?
487
00:35:52,848 --> 00:35:56,720
The garlic press. It's not nearly
as handy as I thought it'd be.
488
00:35:57,252 --> 00:36:00,522
I lay myself open, and you mock me
with kitchenware.
489
00:36:00,723 --> 00:36:03,726
All the while making me
more attractive to you.
490
00:36:05,861 --> 00:36:07,196
Is that your intention?
491
00:36:12,300 --> 00:36:13,902
I'm not sure.
492
00:36:17,071 --> 00:36:18,439
It's working.
493
00:36:46,701 --> 00:36:49,637
It looks like I haven't been
doing too much reading.
494
00:36:55,109 --> 00:36:58,546
Okay, I'm ready. How about you?
495
00:36:59,481 --> 00:37:01,249
-I....
-What?
496
00:37:02,417 --> 00:37:04,619
Come on. Remember
what Dr. Tischner said:
497
00:37:04,886 --> 00:37:08,389
"If you had it once,
you can always get it back."
498
00:37:08,790 --> 00:37:12,894
Was that Dr. Tischner
or was that Dr. Hopkins?
499
00:37:14,729 --> 00:37:16,496
The one with the sibilant "S."
500
00:37:16,731 --> 00:37:17,565
Right.
501
00:37:19,099 --> 00:37:21,636
Wrong. It was a lateral lisp.
502
00:37:21,835 --> 00:37:24,405
Sex is simply a symbolic expression...
503
00:37:24,638 --> 00:37:27,475
...of the emotional status
of a relationship.
504
00:37:28,008 --> 00:37:32,947
Sustained lack of sex is
symptomatic of disassociation.
505
00:37:33,447 --> 00:37:36,249
No, the one with the lateral lisp
was Dr. Rifkin.
506
00:37:36,517 --> 00:37:40,654
Dr. Hopkins was the one with the
Rorschach birthmark on his forehead.
507
00:37:40,854 --> 00:37:44,491
It looked like California. How could
you pay attention to what he said?
508
00:37:44,758 --> 00:37:47,761
This cycle of closeness,
then estrangement...
509
00:37:47,928 --> 00:37:49,429
...you've both told me about...
510
00:37:49,629 --> 00:37:52,999
...what instigates it?
First thing that comes to your mind.
511
00:37:53,266 --> 00:37:55,369
-Sacramento.
-Governor Gray Davis.
512
00:37:55,836 --> 00:38:00,440
My personal favorite was the Freudian
with the prostate problem.
513
00:38:01,408 --> 00:38:03,110
When two people go to bed...
514
00:38:03,343 --> 00:38:06,713
...there are actually six people
in that bed.
515
00:38:07,814 --> 00:38:09,349
If you'll excuse me.
516
00:38:11,985 --> 00:38:14,121
Are we allowed to talk when he's gone?
517
00:38:14,520 --> 00:38:15,956
I don't know.
518
00:38:16,957 --> 00:38:18,225
What do you think?
519
00:38:18,524 --> 00:38:21,028
To be on the safe side,
maybe we better not.
520
00:38:28,868 --> 00:38:31,537
The six people in bed are
the two of you...
521
00:38:32,038 --> 00:38:35,175
...and your parents
and your parents.
522
00:38:35,941 --> 00:38:38,578
Now, the key is....
523
00:38:39,145 --> 00:38:40,813
Will you excuse me, please?
524
00:38:44,717 --> 00:38:47,053
He charged us for the full session.
525
00:38:47,253 --> 00:38:49,855
The man was peeing on our time!
526
00:38:53,192 --> 00:38:55,728
All that therapy was
a waste of time and money.
527
00:38:55,995 --> 00:38:58,698
Where did all that therapy
really get us?
528
00:38:59,498 --> 00:39:01,534
It got us here,
laughing about it.
529
00:39:01,767 --> 00:39:05,504
-He's right.
-Once it's broken, it can't be fixed.
530
00:39:05,704 --> 00:39:07,873
-I don't know.
-The queen has spoken.
531
00:39:08,107 --> 00:39:11,242
-Maybe it's too soon.
-What are you talking about?
532
00:39:11,477 --> 00:39:15,847
The whole point of having a fight is
playing "hide the salami" afterwards.
533
00:39:16,782 --> 00:39:19,918
Let hard times bring you together.
Nobody said it'd be easy.
534
00:39:20,118 --> 00:39:23,589
Can't hard times bring us together?
Nobody said it'd be easy.
535
00:39:23,855 --> 00:39:26,624
Like the Andrews Sisters.
After "Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy" ...
536
00:39:26,891 --> 00:39:28,893
...before "Don't Sit
Under the Apple Tree."
537
00:39:29,195 --> 00:39:30,895
Big career slump there.
538
00:39:31,197 --> 00:39:33,932
Like the Andrews Sisters before
"Don't Sit Under the Apple Tree."
539
00:39:34,199 --> 00:39:35,567
The Andrews Sisters?
540
00:39:35,868 --> 00:39:37,802
They didn't stop
because of a few flops.
541
00:39:38,036 --> 00:39:40,205
They hung in there.
The rest is history.
542
00:39:40,472 --> 00:39:42,407
Don't sit under the apple tree
543
00:39:42,874 --> 00:39:45,877
Why are you bringing up
the Andrews Sisters now?
544
00:39:46,076 --> 00:39:48,112
-You're singing!
-It's an example.
545
00:39:48,346 --> 00:39:50,415
They're in trouble,
and you're singing?
546
00:39:50,648 --> 00:39:54,519
Dot, put out once in a while.
Your face won't be so tight.
547
00:39:54,686 --> 00:39:55,552
Slut.
548
00:39:55,754 --> 00:40:00,224
I don't know what their career slump
has to do with our marital problems.
549
00:40:00,492 --> 00:40:01,893
What should we do?
550
00:40:02,127 --> 00:40:05,563
Make matters worse by dwelling
on every little thing all our lives?
551
00:40:05,796 --> 00:40:08,266
Is that what you think I do?
552
00:40:08,565 --> 00:40:10,935
-You're a child.
-I just dwell on everything?
553
00:40:11,135 --> 00:40:13,337
You're a 72-year-old infant!
554
00:40:13,571 --> 00:40:17,274
There are real problems that we
haven't even begun to deal with.
555
00:40:17,508 --> 00:40:20,611
Don't you think I know that?
What happened to you?
556
00:40:20,844 --> 00:40:23,580
What happened to that fun girl
with the pith helmet?
557
00:40:23,815 --> 00:40:26,950
You don't think I ask myself
that every day?
558
00:40:27,185 --> 00:40:30,654
You beat her out of me!
There's no room here for her!
559
00:40:30,854 --> 00:40:32,256
You think it's all fun and games.
560
00:40:32,523 --> 00:40:35,426
So it's my fault you hang on
to every little thing!
561
00:40:35,693 --> 00:40:38,195
It's my fault you can't
let go of anything!
562
00:40:39,163 --> 00:40:41,765
It's my fault you turned
into your mother?!
563
00:40:42,031 --> 00:40:43,634
Fuck you!
564
00:41:30,079 --> 00:41:34,017
-I still think that there's a chance--
-Ben, you love who we were.
565
00:41:34,250 --> 00:41:37,553
You couldn't possibly love
what we've become.
566
00:41:38,554 --> 00:41:40,756
I think I spotted us
at dinner tonight.
567
00:41:42,724 --> 00:41:45,494
We can't stay together
just because we...
568
00:41:45,695 --> 00:41:48,263
...get a glimpse of "us"
every once in a while.
569
00:41:48,830 --> 00:41:50,899
It was less than 1 5 minutes ago.
570
00:41:52,868 --> 00:41:56,172
All we proved is, if we're apart
for weeks at a time...
571
00:41:56,371 --> 00:41:59,275
...we might get through a dinner.
That's not a marriage.
572
00:42:05,380 --> 00:42:06,748
It's over.
573
00:42:44,653 --> 00:42:45,954
A book about your grandmother?
574
00:42:46,088 --> 00:42:48,289
Yeah. She was an extraordinary woman.
575
00:42:48,490 --> 00:42:51,360
I'm sure she was.
Did she fuck a President?
576
00:42:52,594 --> 00:42:55,629
No. Did she discover uranium?
577
00:42:55,830 --> 00:42:58,133
A cure for cancer?
Nothing like that?
578
00:42:59,133 --> 00:43:02,104
Why would anybody wanna read
a book about her?
579
00:43:02,470 --> 00:43:05,873
She was 4'9" . She emigrated
from Europe as a little girl.
580
00:43:06,140 --> 00:43:10,312
She worked in a sweatshop making
buttonholes 14 hours a day and yet...
581
00:43:10,511 --> 00:43:14,348
...raised five kids and stayed married
to the same man for 57 years.
582
00:43:14,548 --> 00:43:17,651
Dave, this will be the greatest
love story ever told.
583
00:43:19,120 --> 00:43:22,189
Let me explain something to you.
Not as your agent.
584
00:43:22,423 --> 00:43:24,191
This is as a friend.
585
00:43:28,763 --> 00:43:30,030
Come here.
586
00:43:31,132 --> 00:43:32,699
You see all these people?
587
00:43:32,967 --> 00:43:35,970
They're getting into buildings.
They're driving cars.
588
00:43:36,236 --> 00:43:38,972
They're crossing the street.
They're walking around.
589
00:43:39,506 --> 00:43:41,709
Every single one of these people...
590
00:43:41,942 --> 00:43:44,011
...is going to die someday...
591
00:43:44,210 --> 00:43:45,612
...and they all know it.
592
00:43:46,980 --> 00:43:48,281
Which is why...
593
00:43:49,049 --> 00:43:52,452
...they regard the time they have
on this planet as precious.
594
00:43:52,720 --> 00:43:55,088
There are things that take up
that time...
595
00:43:55,321 --> 00:43:58,358
...even if they don't enjoy it.
They have to go to work.
596
00:43:58,591 --> 00:44:00,895
They have to get dressed,
wait in lines...
597
00:44:01,161 --> 00:44:03,496
...clean yards, get batteries.
598
00:44:03,697 --> 00:44:06,833
They visit the eye doctor.
They're doing all these things.
599
00:44:07,067 --> 00:44:11,938
Now, add that to the time they spend
sleeping and eating...
600
00:44:12,138 --> 00:44:15,008
...and washing up and voting...
601
00:44:15,342 --> 00:44:18,611
...and buying gifts for people
they don't like, and you see...
602
00:44:18,912 --> 00:44:22,681
...why they're so choosy about
how they spend their leisure time.
603
00:44:22,882 --> 00:44:26,186
You can understand why
unless she went down on somebody...
604
00:44:26,386 --> 00:44:30,055
...really interesting, they won't
waste their valuable time...
605
00:44:30,256 --> 00:44:33,727
...reading a book about
your fucking grandmother!
606
00:44:36,363 --> 00:44:39,031
So if I read you right,
you don't like the idea.
607
00:44:39,431 --> 00:44:40,432
It's not that.
608
00:44:51,310 --> 00:44:55,147
You know, I find the Ariana
much more fragrant than the Raphaela.
609
00:44:57,149 --> 00:44:58,751
I'll keep that in mind.
610
00:44:58,951 --> 00:45:01,086
-How you doing?
-Fine.
611
00:45:01,320 --> 00:45:04,890
I never got a chance to thank you
for holding the camp bus.
612
00:45:05,090 --> 00:45:07,793
Anytime you need a bus held,
I am your guy.
613
00:45:08,060 --> 00:45:10,963
-Erin's teeth are looking good.
-Thanks to you.
614
00:45:11,230 --> 00:45:13,599
I hope she remembers to wear
her retainer.
615
00:45:13,999 --> 00:45:15,668
You know how kids are at camp.
616
00:45:15,933 --> 00:45:19,638
The minute my Kevin gets off that bus,
it's "Goodbye, biteplate."
617
00:45:20,072 --> 00:45:21,540
Is that for you?
618
00:45:23,241 --> 00:45:26,644
When Deirdre and I divorced,
I decided to learn how to cook.
619
00:45:26,945 --> 00:45:28,981
The Wok-y World of Thai Cooking?
620
00:45:29,281 --> 00:45:30,516
I'm branching out.
621
00:45:30,748 --> 00:45:33,651
I'm taking a Thai cooking course
this summer.
622
00:45:33,852 --> 00:45:37,156
Really? I've always been interested
in Asian cooking.
623
00:45:37,356 --> 00:45:38,490
Really?
624
00:45:38,990 --> 00:45:40,358
Why don't you join me?
625
00:45:43,027 --> 00:45:44,797
When I think about it...
626
00:45:45,129 --> 00:45:47,699
...over the years there were
less and less moments...
627
00:45:47,899 --> 00:45:49,435
...in the course of the day...
628
00:45:49,701 --> 00:45:52,470
...when Ben and I actually made
real eye contact.
629
00:45:52,704 --> 00:45:55,206
You are not gonna believe
what happened.
630
00:45:55,506 --> 00:45:57,975
-What?
-He's almost asleep.
631
00:45:59,444 --> 00:46:01,479
Maybe it was the stuff of life.
632
00:46:01,879 --> 00:46:03,681
Who's taking Erin to school?
633
00:46:04,349 --> 00:46:07,285
Who will pick up Josh
from his clarinet lessons?
634
00:46:07,985 --> 00:46:10,388
After a while, there was
a disturbing comfort...
635
00:46:10,655 --> 00:46:12,690
...in not having to deal
with each other...
636
00:46:12,957 --> 00:46:16,727
...because somehow you just
get used to the disconnection.
637
00:46:17,662 --> 00:46:21,599
Even at night, when we could finally
come together, we faced forward.
638
00:46:21,799 --> 00:46:24,868
Yeah, we were tired,
but I think we were afraid...
639
00:46:25,169 --> 00:46:28,439
...that if we faced each other,
there'd be nothing there.
640
00:46:28,839 --> 00:46:30,841
We're learning Mee Krob next week.
641
00:46:31,309 --> 00:46:32,643
Mee Krob.
642
00:46:33,978 --> 00:46:35,679
I'll let you know.
643
00:46:39,583 --> 00:46:42,219
I'll call you. Oh, you call me.
644
00:46:47,557 --> 00:46:50,227
When we drove to the camp
for Parents' Weekend...
645
00:46:50,427 --> 00:46:52,496
...I was scared to face the kids.
646
00:46:53,163 --> 00:46:57,501
You'd talk about it with a best friend.
But Katie had been my best friend.
647
00:46:57,700 --> 00:47:01,838
Now I didn't know what we were,
except Josh and Erin's parents.
648
00:47:28,698 --> 00:47:29,866
What?
649
00:47:31,667 --> 00:47:33,035
Nothing.
650
00:47:35,905 --> 00:47:37,473
--is nothing?
651
00:47:38,974 --> 00:47:41,210
This is not going to be easy.
652
00:47:42,712 --> 00:47:45,715
The kids do not need to be burdened
with our problems.
653
00:47:45,948 --> 00:47:47,717
They have half a summer left.
654
00:47:47,917 --> 00:47:50,720
Like my plan was to burden
the kids with our problems.
655
00:47:50,952 --> 00:47:54,223
Jesus Christ, will you give me
some fucking credit?
656
00:48:01,062 --> 00:48:02,298
I missed you.
657
00:48:02,765 --> 00:48:04,466
I missed you so much.
658
00:48:04,734 --> 00:48:06,402
I missed you both so much.
659
00:48:09,638 --> 00:48:11,406
Dad, pull yourself together.
660
00:48:11,774 --> 00:48:13,842
Dad, get off of me!
661
00:48:15,644 --> 00:48:18,547
You guys both look terrific!
Show us your bunks.
662
00:48:19,447 --> 00:48:21,150
I wanna see your bunks too.
663
00:48:21,416 --> 00:48:24,085
Did you get your favorite room?
The Acorn Cabin?
664
00:48:24,319 --> 00:48:25,687
Yeah, we did.
665
00:48:25,955 --> 00:48:28,056
We got the Acorn Cabin.
666
00:49:15,302 --> 00:49:16,937
God, I hate lying to them.
667
00:49:17,138 --> 00:49:19,808
Me too. We're not even good at it.
668
00:49:20,040 --> 00:49:22,676
Even if we were good at it,
they'd still know.
669
00:49:46,433 --> 00:49:47,600
What is that?
670
00:49:48,202 --> 00:49:49,102
What's what?
671
00:49:49,370 --> 00:49:52,573
-The thing you just put in your mouth.
-It's my biteplate.
672
00:49:52,773 --> 00:49:55,875
-Biteplate?
-Yeah. It's my biteplate.
673
00:49:56,076 --> 00:49:58,846
-Why do you have a biteplate?
-For my bite.
674
00:49:59,946 --> 00:50:01,280
What's wrong with your bite?
675
00:50:02,415 --> 00:50:04,083
It's askew.
676
00:50:04,284 --> 00:50:05,184
Askew?
677
00:50:05,385 --> 00:50:07,087
Yes, it's askew.
678
00:50:07,688 --> 00:50:10,857
So this would be an attempt
to de-skew it?
679
00:50:16,362 --> 00:50:18,131
You order room service?
680
00:50:25,872 --> 00:50:28,040
-What's the matter?
-Nothing. I'm okay.
681
00:50:28,274 --> 00:50:29,575
Honey, are you okay?
682
00:50:29,809 --> 00:50:31,711
I'm okay. I'm fine.
683
00:50:31,944 --> 00:50:35,114
I couldn't sleep, so
I snuck out after lights out.
684
00:50:35,581 --> 00:50:37,950
I just wanted to sleep
with you guys.
685
00:50:40,319 --> 00:50:44,222
It's okay. I'll call the camp
and let them know you're here.
686
00:50:49,228 --> 00:50:51,464
Why is the bed made up on the couch?
687
00:50:53,566 --> 00:50:57,336
Daddy was doing a little reading,
and I didn't wanna wake Mommy up.
688
00:51:30,167 --> 00:51:33,171
Sometimes you just can't
climb out of the abyss.
689
00:51:33,839 --> 00:51:36,140
I thought of last summer,
when we still hoped...
690
00:51:36,375 --> 00:51:39,277
...that if we put ourselves
in some idyllic setting...
691
00:51:39,478 --> 00:51:42,014
...we'd somehow get rid
of all the tension...
692
00:51:42,279 --> 00:51:43,814
...jump-start our marriage...
693
00:51:44,049 --> 00:51:47,118
...and rediscover why we fell in love
in the first place.
694
00:51:47,352 --> 00:51:49,521
So last year,
after Parents' Weekend...
695
00:51:49,720 --> 00:51:52,390
...we thought maybe
in a trattoria in Venice...
696
00:51:52,690 --> 00:51:56,161
...looking at a beautiful sunset,
next to a bottle of Chianti...
697
00:51:56,360 --> 00:51:59,130
...we just might find a set
of jumper cables.
698
00:52:00,999 --> 00:52:03,702
How you doing?
Two Italian ices, please.
699
00:52:04,001 --> 00:52:08,039
Honey, you don't have to say Italian.
We're here. They know.
700
00:52:08,372 --> 00:52:12,209
So if I'm in Belgium, and I order
a Belgian waffle, I just say waffle?
701
00:52:12,443 --> 00:52:15,613
Like if you were in Ireland
and you wanted Irish stew...
702
00:52:15,813 --> 00:52:17,348
...you'd just say stew.
703
00:52:17,581 --> 00:52:20,084
If you're in China and
you want Chinese food...
704
00:52:20,351 --> 00:52:22,153
...you say, "Bring on the food."
705
00:52:23,220 --> 00:52:26,357
We couldn't help but overhear
your delightful repartee.
706
00:52:26,590 --> 00:52:29,060
We're the Kirbys from Cleveland.
And you are...?
707
00:52:29,327 --> 00:52:31,561
-The Mansons.
-From Spawn Ranch.
708
00:52:35,833 --> 00:52:36,900
That's a good one.
709
00:52:52,883 --> 00:52:54,919
Look, sweetie. There.
The red cape.
710
00:52:55,151 --> 00:52:56,419
I like that.
711
00:53:02,258 --> 00:53:03,193
It's you...
712
00:53:03,460 --> 00:53:04,294
...people.
713
00:53:04,561 --> 00:53:07,630
-The Kirbys from Cleveland.
-Joanie and Eddie.
714
00:53:07,864 --> 00:53:11,134
How could we forget?
We haven't stopped talking about you.
715
00:53:11,601 --> 00:53:14,636
This is fate. We have to
get together, break bread.
716
00:53:14,838 --> 00:53:17,607
Sounds great.
We're at the Hotel Pasta e Fagioli.
717
00:53:18,741 --> 00:53:21,177
You call us.
We're at the Europa Regina.
718
00:53:21,377 --> 00:53:23,613
Great. We'll call you.
719
00:53:23,880 --> 00:53:24,981
Oh, right on!
720
00:53:27,616 --> 00:53:28,551
Look at this.
721
00:53:28,751 --> 00:53:30,620
-This is beautiful.
-This way.
722
00:53:30,886 --> 00:53:32,988
-Thank you.
-Canal-side seating.
723
00:53:33,256 --> 00:53:34,557
Very nice.
724
00:53:37,126 --> 00:53:39,061
Oh, my God!
725
00:53:40,130 --> 00:53:41,531
Meant to be!
726
00:53:42,498 --> 00:53:44,500
Kismet! Kismet!
727
00:53:44,901 --> 00:53:48,771
We went looking for your hotel,
but we couldn't find it anywhere.
728
00:53:48,972 --> 00:53:52,908
-Yeah, it's pretty hard to find.
-Well, all's well that ends well.
729
00:53:55,177 --> 00:53:58,580
It was just like fate,
the first time I met Joanie.
730
00:53:58,847 --> 00:54:02,351
I worked on the 6th floor,
and Eddie worked on the 4th floor.
731
00:54:02,651 --> 00:54:04,920
-Hand to God.
-Every day in the cafeteria...
732
00:54:05,120 --> 00:54:07,656
-...on the third floor--
-I saw Joanie at the salad bar.
733
00:54:07,889 --> 00:54:10,292
And she smiled at me.
Not just a smile.
734
00:54:10,492 --> 00:54:12,428
I mean, a really big smile.
735
00:54:13,228 --> 00:54:15,831
One day at the salad bar
at Beefsteak Charlie's...
736
00:54:16,130 --> 00:54:18,400
...I thought I saw her
at that salad bar.
737
00:54:18,700 --> 00:54:21,170
-But it wasn't me.
-It wasn't Joanie!
738
00:54:22,036 --> 00:54:26,041
What are the odds of another person
at a salad bar looking like Joanie...
739
00:54:26,307 --> 00:54:28,109
...and yet not being Joanie?
740
00:54:28,910 --> 00:54:31,213
What, like a trillion to one?
741
00:54:31,447 --> 00:54:33,248
Could be higher than that.
742
00:54:33,449 --> 00:54:37,486
Anyway, when I realized it wasn't
Joanie, I was so disappointed.
743
00:54:37,719 --> 00:54:41,689
And I began to think about how much
I'd hoped that it was Joanie.
744
00:54:41,956 --> 00:54:44,359
But at this point
you still hadn't met.
745
00:54:44,625 --> 00:54:49,330
No. And I couldn't get over how much
I wanted this person to be Joanie.
746
00:54:49,564 --> 00:54:52,400
And I think that was
the defining moment.
747
00:54:52,633 --> 00:54:55,903
I went back to my wife at the table
at Beefsteak Charlie's...
748
00:54:56,204 --> 00:55:00,074
...and I realized I felt more alive
thinking about that stranger...
749
00:55:00,341 --> 00:55:04,245
...I thought was Joanie than I did
with the stranger who was my wife.
750
00:55:04,511 --> 00:55:06,714
We were both in marriages
we'd outgrown.
751
00:55:06,981 --> 00:55:09,851
You know, maybe I didn't
wanna admit it, but maybe...
752
00:55:10,050 --> 00:55:13,721
...I didn't like myself enough
to be with someone who liked me.
753
00:55:13,921 --> 00:55:16,857
Can you imagine anybody
not liking Eddie Kirby?
754
00:55:17,091 --> 00:55:19,060
I'm not so perfect.
755
00:55:19,327 --> 00:55:20,927
Beg to differ!
756
00:55:21,195 --> 00:55:26,133
That year we both mustered up
enough courage to leave our marriages.
757
00:55:26,466 --> 00:55:28,235
So at this point you had met.
758
00:55:29,370 --> 00:55:30,237
Still hadn't met.
759
00:55:31,171 --> 00:55:35,108
But, you know, after you've had
such a horrible marriage...
760
00:55:35,410 --> 00:55:38,245
...you don't wanna make
the same mistakes twice.
761
00:55:38,478 --> 00:55:40,914
So I made an inner pact with myself.
762
00:55:41,114 --> 00:55:44,685
I said, "Eddie, you will never
let anger build up to the point...
763
00:55:44,918 --> 00:55:46,787
...where you don't like
your partner."
764
00:55:47,054 --> 00:55:49,423
-I made the same pact.
-That became our credo.
765
00:55:49,689 --> 00:55:52,259
"Never go to bed angry."
766
00:55:52,793 --> 00:55:55,094
So now we talk everything through.
767
00:55:55,329 --> 00:55:58,899
We won't let even the tiniest pea
be under our mattress.
768
00:55:59,165 --> 00:56:01,568
That's why we never eat in bed.
769
00:56:05,304 --> 00:56:07,107
Me too.
770
00:56:10,377 --> 00:56:12,178
Who'd have thought the Kirbys...
771
00:56:12,379 --> 00:56:14,747
...the happiest couple
never to have met...
772
00:56:14,947 --> 00:56:17,918
...would be the greatest
aphrodisiac known to man?
773
00:56:43,342 --> 00:56:46,245
If only you could bottle
that unfettered state of mind...
774
00:56:46,479 --> 00:56:48,514
...that comes with being
on foreign soil...
775
00:56:49,015 --> 00:56:50,482
...to just hold on to it...
776
00:56:50,750 --> 00:56:53,285
...even for a day, an evening...
777
00:56:54,020 --> 00:56:55,354
...an hour.
778
00:56:55,787 --> 00:56:58,858
Last year, when we
got back from Italy, God knows...
779
00:56:59,058 --> 00:57:00,926
...we gave it a try.
780
00:57:15,875 --> 00:57:17,276
Hey, look at this.
781
00:57:17,843 --> 00:57:22,048
While we were away, we got a message
from His Holiness, the Dalai Lama.
782
00:57:23,782 --> 00:57:25,950
About a softball team
he's getting started.
783
00:57:27,619 --> 00:57:31,456
You wanna write a letter to the kids
together, let them know we're back?
784
00:57:36,861 --> 00:57:39,698
"Dear Josh...
785
00:57:40,365 --> 00:57:41,833
...and Erin."
786
00:57:42,233 --> 00:57:45,136
Oh, sure. You get the easy part.
787
00:57:48,707 --> 00:57:49,674
"We're...
788
00:57:51,042 --> 00:57:52,277
...back."
789
00:57:55,547 --> 00:57:57,247
"From...
790
00:57:58,116 --> 00:57:59,249
...Europe."
791
00:58:00,251 --> 00:58:02,753
That's not a sentence.
It's a preposition and a continent.
792
00:58:03,021 --> 00:58:05,356
I crossed out your period
and made a sentence.
793
00:58:05,556 --> 00:58:08,692
See? "We're back from Europe."
Your turn.
794
00:58:08,926 --> 00:58:09,861
Thank you.
795
00:58:10,761 --> 00:58:14,665
Exclamation point.
Comma. Close parentheses.
796
00:58:14,965 --> 00:58:16,934
"But l...
797
00:58:17,601 --> 00:58:19,603
...don't want to talk...
798
00:58:19,870 --> 00:58:22,206
...about grammar."
799
00:58:22,406 --> 00:58:26,844
Colon. "I want to...
800
00:58:27,678 --> 00:58:29,747
...make love to...
801
00:58:30,014 --> 00:58:32,116
...your mother."
802
00:58:33,717 --> 00:58:35,686
No, you didn't write that.
803
00:58:38,722 --> 00:58:41,392
What? I do. I want to.
804
00:58:41,625 --> 00:58:43,427
After we finish the letter.
805
00:58:43,627 --> 00:58:47,730
No, let's make love right now.
Then we write the letter.
806
00:58:47,965 --> 00:58:51,234
Come on, we only had
a couple of sentences to go.
807
00:58:51,535 --> 00:58:54,604
In Europe, you would've
made love first.
808
00:58:55,706 --> 00:58:58,275
-What's that supposed to mean?
-Nothing.
809
00:58:58,541 --> 00:59:01,210
-That I'm not spontaneous?
-I'm not saying that.
810
00:59:01,411 --> 00:59:03,147
But that's what you implied.
811
00:59:03,379 --> 00:59:05,615
That in Europe I'd have
made love, but here--
812
00:59:05,883 --> 00:59:07,984
I don't want us to get to the point...
813
00:59:08,284 --> 00:59:11,654
...where we can't make love unless
there's a concierge downstairs.
814
00:59:11,854 --> 00:59:16,392
I wanted to take three minutes
to finish a letter to our children...
815
00:59:16,626 --> 00:59:17,994
...who I haven't seen--
816
00:59:18,194 --> 00:59:21,831
What's that supposed to mean?
That I don't care about our children?
817
00:59:22,031 --> 00:59:24,233
If I finish the letter,
I could be spontaneous.
818
00:59:24,467 --> 00:59:27,403
That's not spontaneous!
That's making an appointment!
819
00:59:27,603 --> 00:59:30,272
I was in the mood
for unscheduled affection...
820
00:59:30,473 --> 00:59:32,575
...but sorry, we're home. I forgot...
821
00:59:32,775 --> 00:59:35,144
...everything's gotta be
on a schedule!
822
00:59:36,079 --> 00:59:39,315
You try raising children
where everything's unscheduled...
823
00:59:39,582 --> 00:59:41,384
...when everything's spontaneous!
824
00:59:41,683 --> 00:59:45,020
You know what? The kids need
a little spontaneity too!
825
00:59:45,455 --> 00:59:47,189
I know that!
826
00:59:47,457 --> 00:59:51,793
I'm sick and tired of being
the designated driver of this marriage!
827
00:59:51,994 --> 00:59:54,863
Nobody designated you!
It's a role you gave yourself!
828
00:59:55,163 --> 00:59:57,265
Bullshit! You gave me that role!
829
00:59:57,499 --> 01:00:01,703
Because God forbid Ben should ever
remember to cancel the newspapers...
830
01:00:01,903 --> 01:00:03,605
...or put washer fluid in his car...
831
01:00:03,840 --> 01:00:06,642
...or participate in disciplining
his children...
832
01:00:06,875 --> 01:00:10,045
...instead of flirting on the phone
with your girlfriend!
833
01:00:10,278 --> 01:00:12,014
You're not bringing that up again!
834
01:00:12,214 --> 01:00:14,516
You're damn straight
I'll bring it up again!
835
01:00:14,750 --> 01:00:16,618
I haven't spoken to her
in six months!
836
01:00:16,852 --> 01:00:19,388
Not once have you seen it
through my eyes!
837
01:00:19,621 --> 01:00:22,823
We don't have a pea under our mattress.
You know what we have?
838
01:00:23,058 --> 01:00:24,191
A fucking watermelon!
839
01:00:24,493 --> 01:00:26,662
And you never wanna deal with it!
840
01:00:26,861 --> 01:00:28,630
Oh, fuck it!
841
01:00:29,031 --> 01:00:30,632
Jesus!
842
01:00:38,372 --> 01:00:39,975
Welcome home.
843
01:00:48,149 --> 01:00:49,483
Bye, Dad.
844
01:00:49,984 --> 01:00:51,819
-Thanks.
-I love you.
845
01:00:52,920 --> 01:00:54,622
-Bye, Mom.
-Buddy.
846
01:00:56,857 --> 01:00:58,159
Love you.
847
01:00:59,161 --> 01:01:00,928
See you guys in a month.
848
01:01:07,601 --> 01:01:09,070
Bye, you guys.
849
01:01:10,003 --> 01:01:11,372
-Bye, Daddy.
-Couple of weeks.
850
01:01:11,572 --> 01:01:13,674
-Watch your toes.
-See you.
851
01:01:13,908 --> 01:01:15,343
Bye, kids.
852
01:01:31,258 --> 01:01:33,627
Do you think we should get
one lawyer or two?
853
01:01:38,232 --> 01:01:39,366
One.
854
01:01:40,968 --> 01:01:43,870
Maybe we can at least
make this part....
855
01:01:46,473 --> 01:01:50,777
All I care about is that we make it
as easy for the kids as possible.
856
01:01:55,281 --> 01:01:59,719
I'm sure you noticed the bathroom has
the original tiling from the '20s.
857
01:01:59,986 --> 01:02:00,887
It's nice.
858
01:02:01,087 --> 01:02:04,457
You know, since you're a writer,
I know you'd appreciate...
859
01:02:04,691 --> 01:02:07,160
...that the sister
of Bette Davis' chauffeur...
860
01:02:07,427 --> 01:02:10,664
...once had Thanksgiving
in the apartment next door.
861
01:02:11,298 --> 01:02:12,432
Really?
862
01:02:13,499 --> 01:02:15,902
Are there any other kids
in this building?
863
01:02:16,135 --> 01:02:20,073
Oodles! Including, if I might add,
the nephew of the actor...
864
01:02:20,272 --> 01:02:23,642
...who jumped third into
the fourth lifeboat on Titanic.
865
01:02:23,843 --> 01:02:26,613
Rent the film, you'll see.
I'll introduce you.
866
01:02:26,813 --> 01:02:30,817
I'm showing it to another family today,
but if you're interested...
867
01:02:31,016 --> 01:02:34,020
...I can hold it for you,
give your wife a look-see--
868
01:02:34,254 --> 01:02:35,087
I'm interested.
869
01:02:35,321 --> 01:02:39,458
Who wouldn't be? Look how the light
from that window fills the room.
870
01:02:40,125 --> 01:02:41,860
When I showed this apartment...
871
01:02:42,061 --> 01:02:44,830
...to the man who did the voice
of Charlie the Tuna...
872
01:02:45,130 --> 01:02:48,801
...he said, and I quote,
"Wow," unquote.
873
01:02:49,102 --> 01:02:50,936
I think that says it all.
874
01:02:53,539 --> 01:02:55,307
First, you put olive oil...
875
01:02:55,541 --> 01:02:57,276
...garlic and tofu.
876
01:02:57,509 --> 01:03:00,045
Saut� until garlic turn light brown.
877
01:03:00,379 --> 01:03:03,782
Make sure that your wok have
a strong heat underneath it.
878
01:03:04,048 --> 01:03:07,019
Now take an egg and crack it
to the hot oil.
879
01:03:09,188 --> 01:03:13,125
Make sure all the ingredients
are cooked thoroughly.
880
01:03:14,526 --> 01:03:15,460
You okay?
881
01:03:15,660 --> 01:03:17,796
Yeah, I'm fine.
882
01:03:18,731 --> 01:03:20,965
Now we add some Pad Thai noodle.
883
01:03:22,867 --> 01:03:26,537
I saw Deirdre up at Parents' Weekend,
but I didn't see you.
884
01:03:26,805 --> 01:03:28,641
I went up the weekend before.
885
01:03:28,906 --> 01:03:30,843
You know, since the divorce...
886
01:03:31,075 --> 01:03:34,746
...it's a lot easier for everyone
if we come up at separate times.
887
01:03:35,179 --> 01:03:38,149
Kevin and I took a great hike
up to that waterfall.
888
01:03:38,349 --> 01:03:40,018
You and Ben take that hike?
889
01:03:40,252 --> 01:03:42,553
Yeah, it was beautiful.
890
01:03:43,221 --> 01:03:45,790
Spice it up with some chili pepper.
891
01:03:46,057 --> 01:03:49,060
You know, spicy food
make a better lover.
892
01:03:49,360 --> 01:03:51,596
The hotter you eat,
the hotter you get.
893
01:03:53,064 --> 01:03:55,500
Well, the spicier the better for me.
894
01:03:57,068 --> 01:03:58,236
Rice vinegar.
895
01:04:02,407 --> 01:04:03,841
Does Ben like Thai food?
896
01:04:06,444 --> 01:04:08,078
You and Ben been to Tommy Tang's?
897
01:04:08,279 --> 01:04:09,681
Ben and I are di--
898
01:04:10,381 --> 01:04:11,548
Separated.
899
01:04:13,051 --> 01:04:14,619
Gee, I had no idea.
900
01:04:14,885 --> 01:04:17,188
We're not really telling people.
901
01:04:17,422 --> 01:04:19,190
I understand.
902
01:04:19,723 --> 01:04:22,060
I'm so sorry. How long?
903
01:04:23,026 --> 01:04:27,030
72 hours, four weeks, five years...
904
01:04:27,297 --> 01:04:29,599
...depending on when
you start counting.
905
01:04:29,800 --> 01:04:32,937
I'm really sorry.
I know how hard it can be.
906
01:04:36,073 --> 01:04:37,642
This will sound crazy...
907
01:04:37,908 --> 01:04:41,278
...but I always enjoyed
Erin and Josh's appointments...
908
01:04:41,545 --> 01:04:44,414
...because it gave me a chance
to get to know you.
909
01:04:44,948 --> 01:04:47,784
But when you called me
about your bite...
910
01:04:48,085 --> 01:04:52,555
...I felt myself looking forward to it
because I knew we'd be alone.
911
01:04:53,824 --> 01:04:56,827
And just tell me if it's too soon...
912
01:04:57,728 --> 01:05:01,297
...but I wondered if maybe you
wanted to have dinner sometime?
913
01:05:03,300 --> 01:05:04,935
We are having dinner.
914
01:05:06,802 --> 01:05:10,306
I was thinking of something
that didn't involve a teacher.
915
01:05:13,977 --> 01:05:15,912
You always hear people say...
916
01:05:16,113 --> 01:05:18,414
...they stayed too long
in a bad marriage.
917
01:05:18,649 --> 01:05:22,418
For the longest time, I never thought
of my marriage as being bad.
918
01:05:22,685 --> 01:05:26,322
I thought love was something you
were allowed to fall in and out of.
919
01:05:26,522 --> 01:05:28,457
You know, peaks and valleys.
920
01:05:29,058 --> 01:05:30,693
But after a while...
921
01:05:30,960 --> 01:05:34,163
...the peaks get lower
and further apart.
922
01:05:34,363 --> 01:05:38,267
Then one day you find yourself
wondering, "Is this who I really am?
923
01:05:38,467 --> 01:05:41,837
Someone who has taken up permanent
residence in the valley?
924
01:05:42,138 --> 01:05:45,874
Or is this just who I am
with this person?"
925
01:05:47,276 --> 01:05:49,812
And then, you ask yourself:
926
01:05:50,046 --> 01:05:53,616
"Maybe there is another version
of my life, of myself...
927
01:05:53,849 --> 01:05:56,117
...that's a happier one. "
928
01:06:13,402 --> 01:06:14,836
Bullshit.
929
01:06:16,504 --> 01:06:19,674
"Yossel looked into Minnie's eyes
and felt...
930
01:06:21,276 --> 01:06:22,577
...nothing.
931
01:06:22,911 --> 01:06:27,148
For two years they'd been apart.
932
01:06:27,415 --> 01:06:30,752
And now, as she stepped off the boat...
933
01:06:31,019 --> 01:06:34,055
...he realized he was
looking into the eyes...
934
01:06:35,457 --> 01:06:37,025
...of a stranger.
935
01:06:39,027 --> 01:06:41,396
A girl he no longer knew.
936
01:06:42,063 --> 01:06:45,533
He had become an American.
937
01:06:46,234 --> 01:06:51,006
And she was still the poor...
938
01:06:54,108 --> 01:06:56,110
...unaffectionate...
939
01:06:57,012 --> 01:06:58,413
...daughter...
940
01:07:00,214 --> 01:07:03,584
...of a blind Lithuanian
violin maker."
941
01:07:04,985 --> 01:07:08,756
It's fear. It was all about fear.
Fear's what kept them together.
942
01:07:09,023 --> 01:07:12,326
This whole time I've idealized
my grandparents' marriage.
943
01:07:12,559 --> 01:07:15,095
But this was not the love of the ages.
944
01:07:15,397 --> 01:07:18,465
The two stayed together
because they were terrified.
945
01:07:18,666 --> 01:07:21,902
Fear of loneliness, fear of failure,
fear of the unknown.
946
01:07:22,136 --> 01:07:25,706
Sure, fear. That's the main
motivator for everything.
947
01:07:25,939 --> 01:07:29,376
That and guilt are the two emotions
that keep a society humming.
948
01:07:29,610 --> 01:07:31,912
You and Rachel stay together
because of fear?
949
01:07:32,212 --> 01:07:33,981
-In a word, yes.
-You're okay with that?
950
01:07:34,281 --> 01:07:36,449
In three words, yes and no.
951
01:07:36,951 --> 01:07:40,821
See, it's not that simple.
You're looking for clear-cut answers.
952
01:07:41,088 --> 01:07:44,490
In reality, there's nothing clear-cut.
Life is not clear-cut.
953
01:07:44,724 --> 01:07:46,726
Life is gray.
954
01:07:46,961 --> 01:07:48,295
For instance:
955
01:07:50,129 --> 01:07:51,965
What do you see right here?
956
01:07:53,933 --> 01:07:57,237
-What are you asking me?
-I'm asking you, what do you see?
957
01:07:57,437 --> 01:07:59,005
I see your ass.
958
01:07:59,405 --> 01:08:03,610
That's what you think you see.
But in reality, there is no ass.
959
01:08:05,245 --> 01:08:08,114
What the f--?
What are you telling me?
960
01:08:08,314 --> 01:08:13,086
There is no ass, just the fatty part
at the top of each leg...
961
01:08:13,319 --> 01:08:15,755
...that is butted up
against each other.
962
01:08:15,989 --> 01:08:17,490
Hence the word "butt."
963
01:08:17,757 --> 01:08:19,459
See, essentially...
964
01:08:19,692 --> 01:08:23,363
...what we're dealing with here is
just a continuation of the leg.
965
01:08:23,629 --> 01:08:25,765
Okay, all right, now you lost me.
966
01:08:26,633 --> 01:08:30,335
It's all illusions.
There is no such thing as an ass.
967
01:08:30,603 --> 01:08:34,874
Just like there's no such thing as
the perfect marriage, job or child.
968
01:08:35,140 --> 01:08:39,344
The whole notion of staying together
and living happily ever after...
969
01:08:39,646 --> 01:08:41,014
...all illusions.
970
01:08:41,213 --> 01:08:43,982
You're saying you don't believe
in everlasting love?
971
01:08:45,183 --> 01:08:48,854
You're seeing the ass again
and not the tops of the legs.
972
01:08:49,988 --> 01:08:53,392
Love is just lust in disguise.
And lust fades.
973
01:08:53,659 --> 01:08:57,196
So you damn well better be
with someone who can stand you.
974
01:08:57,462 --> 01:09:01,166
Katie and I have moved way past
being able to stand each other.
975
01:09:01,400 --> 01:09:03,468
We've moved right
into the hatred part.
976
01:09:03,735 --> 01:09:06,538
I wouldn't worry about it.
Hate fades.
977
01:09:07,572 --> 01:09:09,207
Hate fades?
978
01:09:11,510 --> 01:09:15,513
That's what you're gonna send me out
into the world with?
979
01:09:15,814 --> 01:09:19,550
"Hate fades. Love is lust.
There is no ass."
980
01:09:20,719 --> 01:09:23,555
What a disappointment
you've turned out to be.
981
01:09:26,525 --> 01:09:28,260
Just promise me one thing.
982
01:09:28,492 --> 01:09:32,363
Please promise me that you will not
say any of this to Rachel.
983
01:09:32,596 --> 01:09:35,333
Are you crazy?
This conversation ends here.
984
01:09:35,833 --> 01:09:38,502
When Stan called me,
I couldn't believe it.
985
01:09:38,703 --> 01:09:40,738
I knew it was rough for you guys--
986
01:09:41,006 --> 01:09:44,008
We didn't wanna say until we knew
we weren't getting back together.
987
01:09:44,276 --> 01:09:45,744
Oh, my God.
988
01:09:48,513 --> 01:09:49,614
How are you doing?
989
01:09:49,848 --> 01:09:52,717
I don't know.
I thought I'd be devastated.
990
01:09:52,950 --> 01:09:55,353
Maybe it just hasn't hit me.
991
01:09:57,755 --> 01:10:01,258
-You're having an affair.
-What are you talking about?
992
01:10:01,459 --> 01:10:04,228
You're only not devastated
if you're seeing someone else.
993
01:10:04,428 --> 01:10:06,063
I'm not seeing someone else.
994
01:10:06,297 --> 01:10:08,299
Are you serious about
who you're not seeing?
995
01:10:08,532 --> 01:10:10,867
I don't know.
I know he's nothing like Ben.
996
01:10:11,102 --> 01:10:14,071
He's responsible, plans ahead,
has a Swiss Army knife.
997
01:10:14,305 --> 01:10:15,906
He even wants to cook me dinner.
998
01:10:16,140 --> 01:10:17,742
-He's a sandbag.
-A what?
999
01:10:17,942 --> 01:10:20,410
He's just a sandbag
against the storm...
1000
01:10:20,645 --> 01:10:23,613
...holding off the inevitable
devastation.
1001
01:10:26,383 --> 01:10:28,152
Rachel, you okay?
1002
01:10:30,888 --> 01:10:32,123
Honey?
1003
01:10:34,658 --> 01:10:35,992
I'm sorry.
1004
01:10:37,427 --> 01:10:40,897
I know I'm supposed to be the one
holding your hand...
1005
01:10:41,132 --> 01:10:43,100
...but I just feel terrible.
1006
01:10:43,768 --> 01:10:47,104
I mean, the thought of you guys
not being together....
1007
01:10:47,304 --> 01:10:48,672
You're our best friends.
1008
01:10:49,439 --> 01:10:53,310
Fourth of Julys and Thanksgivings
and Christmases.
1009
01:10:53,911 --> 01:10:56,579
You guys were our
Fred and Ethel Mertz.
1010
01:10:57,080 --> 01:10:59,916
We thought you guys were
our Fred and Ethel Mertz.
1011
01:11:01,084 --> 01:11:02,452
Really?
1012
01:11:02,751 --> 01:11:06,789
I never thought this was
going to happen to me and Ben.
1013
01:11:07,023 --> 01:11:10,660
I thought we were going to be the ones
to go the distance.
1014
01:11:10,926 --> 01:11:15,698
But I just couldn't seem to get him
to put down that purple crayon.
1015
01:11:16,633 --> 01:11:20,637
But that's Ben.
That's who you fell in love with.
1016
01:11:20,870 --> 01:11:23,772
Katie, you are at 80
who you are at 8.
1017
01:11:24,007 --> 01:11:26,609
People don't change!
1018
01:11:27,009 --> 01:11:30,146
People change over time.
You've got to expect that.
1019
01:11:30,379 --> 01:11:35,317
The only way a relationship works is
if people grow and change together.
1020
01:11:36,619 --> 01:11:38,487
Mr. and Mrs. Cogen, Mr. Jordan.
1021
01:11:38,821 --> 01:11:43,058
Nice to have you tonight. Is Mrs.
Jordan not joining us this evening?
1022
01:11:43,325 --> 01:11:47,162
No, she's not. Stan, I told you
to make the reservation for three!
1023
01:11:47,396 --> 01:11:49,698
-I forgot.
-How could you forget that?
1024
01:11:49,898 --> 01:11:52,501
Say it louder. The guy
in the lot didn't hear you.
1025
01:11:52,735 --> 01:11:54,336
It wasn't that loud.
1026
01:12:01,043 --> 01:12:03,178
Did you see Sunday's 7 down?
1027
01:12:03,411 --> 01:12:05,648
-I missed that one.
-Five-letter word.
1028
01:12:05,981 --> 01:12:08,249
"Wants, requirements."
1029
01:12:08,651 --> 01:12:10,486
Rhymes with weeds.
1030
01:12:10,719 --> 01:12:11,820
"Needs"?
1031
01:12:12,021 --> 01:12:14,757
Exactly.
It was a direct attack on me.
1032
01:12:14,989 --> 01:12:16,892
Come on. You're being silly.
1033
01:12:17,091 --> 01:12:19,361
It was just a clue
in a crossword puzzle.
1034
01:12:19,927 --> 01:12:23,898
I know my wife.
She was specifically attacking me.
1035
01:12:24,166 --> 01:12:25,400
And for what?
1036
01:12:25,700 --> 01:12:27,402
For having needs.
1037
01:12:28,170 --> 01:12:30,306
Like having needs is
some terrible thing.
1038
01:12:30,838 --> 01:12:33,841
Show me one person
that doesn't have needs.
1039
01:12:36,412 --> 01:12:39,514
Try this bread dipped in
the olive oil. It's delicious.
1040
01:12:39,782 --> 01:12:41,249
Stan, give Ben the bread!
1041
01:12:41,549 --> 01:12:42,717
Why must you yell?
1042
01:12:42,917 --> 01:12:44,185
-Who yelled?
-You.
1043
01:12:44,385 --> 01:12:45,218
That's not a yell.
1044
01:12:45,520 --> 01:12:47,889
He hears everything as a yell.
1045
01:12:48,089 --> 01:12:50,391
On anyone's yell-o-meter,
that was a yell.
1046
01:12:50,624 --> 01:12:52,794
Was that a yell?
He didn't hear it as a yell.
1047
01:12:53,094 --> 01:12:55,196
His mom was a yeller.
He still hears her.
1048
01:12:55,429 --> 01:12:57,966
How could I hear her?
You drown her out.
1049
01:12:58,198 --> 01:12:59,233
It's true.
1050
01:12:59,466 --> 01:13:01,769
The last few years,
when Katie opened her mouth...
1051
01:13:02,070 --> 01:13:03,871
...all I'd hear was her mother.
1052
01:13:04,805 --> 01:13:05,873
Dot.
1053
01:13:06,641 --> 01:13:11,178
It wasn't easy for Katie to be raised
by a woman as complicated as Dot.
1054
01:13:11,446 --> 01:13:13,414
Please, she wasn't complicated.
1055
01:13:13,647 --> 01:13:17,418
She was an idiot who made
everyone else's life complicated.
1056
01:13:17,651 --> 01:13:21,054
You wouldn't believe the beautiful
psychological heirlooms...
1057
01:13:21,288 --> 01:13:23,423
...this snapping turtle handed down.
1058
01:13:23,790 --> 01:13:26,294
Everything's gotta be
in a neat little box...
1059
01:13:26,493 --> 01:13:28,829
...with a little blue bow on it.
1060
01:13:29,129 --> 01:13:30,497
Punctual.
1061
01:13:30,764 --> 01:13:31,965
Ordered.
1062
01:13:32,199 --> 01:13:35,335
God forbid anything unexpected
should happen...
1063
01:13:35,569 --> 01:13:38,905
...any perchances, happenstances...
1064
01:13:39,139 --> 01:13:41,975
...left turns, serendipities!
1065
01:13:42,209 --> 01:13:44,745
Nope, no way! Not allowed!
1066
01:13:44,978 --> 01:13:47,414
Out-of-bounds! Foul ball!
1067
01:13:47,614 --> 01:13:51,685
15-yard penalty!
Too much time being spontaneous!
1068
01:13:51,918 --> 01:13:55,088
Everything's gotta be connected.
Gotta connect the dots.
1069
01:13:55,289 --> 01:13:57,357
Maybe that's why they call her Dot.
1070
01:13:57,624 --> 01:14:01,161
You notice that her name wasn't
Gay or Joy or Fun!
1071
01:14:01,427 --> 01:14:02,729
Try the bread--
1072
01:14:02,929 --> 01:14:05,564
You can't even fuck
unless everything's just right!
1073
01:14:06,165 --> 01:14:10,436
Like a plane waiting for takeoff.
Windows shut? Check.
1074
01:14:10,671 --> 01:14:14,273
Doors locked? Check!
Heat on? Check!
1075
01:14:14,507 --> 01:14:17,310
Have we covered every possible,
single reason...
1076
01:14:17,544 --> 01:14:19,178
...why everything is my fault?!
1077
01:14:19,479 --> 01:14:23,983
Houston, we got a problem
and her name is Dot!
1078
01:14:24,183 --> 01:14:27,119
-Ben, bread.
-There are people like Katie and Dot...
1079
01:14:27,320 --> 01:14:30,022
...who color inside the lines,
and people like you...
1080
01:14:30,289 --> 01:14:33,492
...who wander outside.
That can be a very endearing quality.
1081
01:14:33,726 --> 01:14:37,029
That's why Katie fell in love
with you. Once you have kids--
1082
01:14:37,330 --> 01:14:38,998
I am not a third child!
1083
01:14:39,298 --> 01:14:41,967
Excuse me if my watch
has no hands on it.
1084
01:14:42,168 --> 01:14:45,971
That's fine. It's just, somebody
has to establish the routine--
1085
01:14:46,172 --> 01:14:48,474
Are you saying it's all my fault?!
1086
01:14:49,474 --> 01:14:50,977
It's nobody's fault!
1087
01:14:51,177 --> 01:14:54,347
When people say it's nobody's fault,
they don't mean that.
1088
01:14:54,547 --> 01:14:58,017
They mean it's your fault!
The nobody's fault things are...
1089
01:14:58,316 --> 01:15:01,887
...hurricanes, earthquakes,
tornadoes, acts of God!
1090
01:15:02,088 --> 01:15:06,025
But when a marriage fails,
it's gotta be somebody's fault!
1091
01:15:06,224 --> 01:15:07,493
And it's not mine!
1092
01:15:08,627 --> 01:15:12,198
Take that fucking bread and shove it
up the tops of your legs!
1093
01:15:55,273 --> 01:15:59,543
Maybe I'm tired! Maybe I'm dealing
with 5000 things all day long!
1094
01:15:59,777 --> 01:16:02,346
Maybe every need you have
doesn't have to be met...
1095
01:16:02,614 --> 01:16:04,882
...at the exact moment
you need it to be met!
1096
01:16:05,082 --> 01:16:08,787
I'm sick and tired of being
the designated driver of this marriage!
1097
01:16:09,086 --> 01:16:11,956
Nobody designated you!
It's a role you gave yourself!
1098
01:16:12,223 --> 01:16:15,125
Not once have you seen it
through my eyes!
1099
01:16:15,426 --> 01:16:18,796
We don't have a pea under our mattress.
You know what we have?
1100
01:16:19,063 --> 01:16:21,432
A fucking watermelon!
1101
01:16:31,475 --> 01:16:32,910
You okay?
1102
01:16:34,745 --> 01:16:36,613
Take me to Katie's.
1103
01:16:41,484 --> 01:16:43,120
What are you doing here?
1104
01:16:43,787 --> 01:16:46,222
I wanted to know what
your high was today.
1105
01:16:47,991 --> 01:16:50,093
You should've called.
1106
01:16:50,760 --> 01:16:52,529
My high was about you.
1107
01:16:55,632 --> 01:16:58,602
Tonight I saw myself
through your eyes.
1108
01:17:03,506 --> 01:17:04,775
And I'm sorry.
1109
01:17:05,174 --> 01:17:06,776
It might be a nice touch...
1110
01:17:06,976 --> 01:17:10,146
...if you add some roasted peanuts
to the sesame--
1111
01:17:16,386 --> 01:17:19,522
At some point we should discuss
how to tell the children.
1112
01:17:51,553 --> 01:17:53,589
How you doing? Come on in.
1113
01:17:54,724 --> 01:17:56,091
This is nice.
1114
01:17:56,358 --> 01:17:57,259
Thanks.
1115
01:17:57,559 --> 01:18:00,529
It's close to the park.
The kids and I can walk.
1116
01:18:00,829 --> 01:18:02,898
You want something to drink?
1117
01:18:03,098 --> 01:18:05,934
I'll take water if you don't have
anything else.
1118
01:18:08,604 --> 01:18:10,606
We have pretty much
anything you want.
1119
01:18:10,872 --> 01:18:12,708
Beer, Gatorade...
1120
01:18:12,908 --> 01:18:15,110
...fruit juice, iced tea.
1121
01:18:15,410 --> 01:18:17,011
Iced tea is fine.
1122
01:18:24,552 --> 01:18:25,420
Here you go.
1123
01:18:26,088 --> 01:18:27,556
You have a watch.
1124
01:18:30,024 --> 01:18:31,359
Come on in.
1125
01:18:33,427 --> 01:18:34,762
Sit down here.
1126
01:18:44,972 --> 01:18:46,941
I think we should....
1127
01:18:48,909 --> 01:18:53,147
When we pick the kids up Thursday,
we should just tell them that night.
1128
01:18:54,282 --> 01:18:57,251
We don't have to tell them right away.
1129
01:18:57,485 --> 01:18:58,619
Why?
1130
01:18:58,953 --> 01:19:01,422
What will change
between now and Thursday?
1131
01:19:03,658 --> 01:19:05,793
Katie, you're seeing someone else.
1132
01:19:06,060 --> 01:19:08,261
I'm not seeing him.
1133
01:19:08,562 --> 01:19:10,431
We're just talking.
1134
01:19:12,332 --> 01:19:13,401
Right.
1135
01:19:16,971 --> 01:19:20,507
I won't put up with any more of this
bullshit lying to the kids.
1136
01:19:20,741 --> 01:19:24,444
We take them to Chow Fun's, their
favorite restaurant, to tell them.
1137
01:19:24,678 --> 01:19:27,414
We can't really talk at Chow Fun's.
1138
01:19:27,648 --> 01:19:30,016
We'll go to the house
and tell them at dinner.
1139
01:19:30,318 --> 01:19:31,251
After dinner.
1140
01:19:31,518 --> 01:19:34,087
We'll all sit down and....
1141
01:19:34,322 --> 01:19:36,856
Jesus, how do we say this?
1142
01:19:40,260 --> 01:19:44,164
We'll just tell them
how much we love them...
1143
01:19:45,098 --> 01:19:47,301
...how amazing and beautiful
they are...
1144
01:19:47,534 --> 01:19:50,637
...so they don't think
that any of this is their fault.
1145
01:19:50,870 --> 01:19:52,839
That's the important thing.
1146
01:19:54,474 --> 01:19:56,209
We'll just say that...
1147
01:19:56,710 --> 01:19:58,511
...Mommy and Daddy...
1148
01:20:00,146 --> 01:20:02,281
...or Mom and Dad....
1149
01:20:03,049 --> 01:20:04,350
You think Mom and Dad?
1150
01:20:04,618 --> 01:20:05,819
Mommy and Daddy.
1151
01:20:07,921 --> 01:20:10,690
We'll say that Mommy and Daddy
have grown apart.
1152
01:20:11,291 --> 01:20:15,027
I was just thinking about Erin.
She'll probably say something like:
1153
01:20:15,261 --> 01:20:18,999
"Well, there must be something right
about you guys...
1154
01:20:19,231 --> 01:20:23,302
...for you to produce
such beautiful and amazing kids."
1155
01:20:27,007 --> 01:20:29,709
She might say something like that,
you know?
1156
01:20:38,651 --> 01:20:40,986
We'll just tell her that they were...
1157
01:20:42,421 --> 01:20:44,590
...born in love and we'll
always love them...
1158
01:20:44,790 --> 01:20:47,559
...but Mommy and Daddy
don't love each other anymore.
1159
01:20:49,428 --> 01:20:53,399
Well, wouldn't it be better
if we told them...
1160
01:20:56,335 --> 01:20:59,672
...we still love each other,
but in a different way?
1161
01:21:01,606 --> 01:21:02,741
Fine.
1162
01:21:04,043 --> 01:21:06,712
-We shouldn't say that?
-I said it was fine.
1163
01:21:07,612 --> 01:21:10,548
Well, it was kind of a weird "fine."
1164
01:21:11,749 --> 01:21:16,221
Should I be thrilled about how we
love each other in a different way?
1165
01:21:27,599 --> 01:21:30,301
-Who is it?
-Mr. Jordan, your couch is here.
1166
01:21:30,535 --> 01:21:33,538
Where have you guys been?
Come on in.
1167
01:21:35,039 --> 01:21:37,909
They were supposed to be here
first thing this morning.
1168
01:21:44,249 --> 01:21:46,951
I'll pick you up at 5:00
on Thursday?
1169
01:22:01,131 --> 01:22:02,500
So is there...
1170
01:22:03,767 --> 01:22:05,669
...anything else
we need to talk about?
1171
01:22:06,104 --> 01:22:07,137
Like what?
1172
01:22:10,474 --> 01:22:11,509
Nothing.
1173
01:22:14,778 --> 01:22:15,846
Bye.
1174
01:22:37,501 --> 01:22:38,835
What happened to you?
1175
01:22:39,136 --> 01:22:42,139
What happened to that fun girl
with the pith helmet?
1176
01:22:42,339 --> 01:22:46,443
You don't think I ask myself
that every day?
1177
01:22:46,710 --> 01:22:48,478
I'm talking about a connection!
1178
01:22:48,679 --> 01:22:52,949
A look! Something that says
that we're on the same side here!
1179
01:22:53,984 --> 01:22:56,520
Isn't this the moment
where one of us says:
1180
01:22:56,787 --> 01:22:58,789
"This is ridiculous.
We love each other.
1181
01:22:59,055 --> 01:23:02,159
All couples go through this.
Let's give it another try"?
1182
01:23:15,304 --> 01:23:17,306
It was supposed to rain today.
1183
01:23:18,708 --> 01:23:20,176
Glad it didn't.
1184
01:23:21,377 --> 01:23:22,645
Me too.
1185
01:23:27,183 --> 01:23:29,352
Turn here. If you take Sepulveda....
1186
01:23:31,988 --> 01:23:32,989
What?
1187
01:23:34,390 --> 01:23:35,524
Nothing.
1188
01:23:49,138 --> 01:23:51,573
Do you, Katie, take Ben...
1189
01:23:51,807 --> 01:23:53,708
...to have and to hold...
1190
01:23:53,943 --> 01:23:56,078
...in sickness and in health...
1191
01:23:56,344 --> 01:23:58,246
...for better or for worse...
1192
01:23:58,648 --> 01:24:01,417
-...till death do you part?
-I do.
1193
01:24:04,887 --> 01:24:06,721
It's a boy.
It's a girl.
1194
01:24:06,923 --> 01:24:07,822
It's a bunny!
1195
01:24:08,056 --> 01:24:09,391
It's a home run!
1196
01:24:09,625 --> 01:24:10,893
It's chickenpox.
1197
01:24:11,092 --> 01:24:11,993
It's over.
1198
01:24:12,193 --> 01:24:13,428
I love you.
1199
01:24:13,696 --> 01:24:14,562
Damn you!
1200
01:24:14,763 --> 01:24:15,597
I love you.
1201
01:24:16,598 --> 01:24:17,432
Damn it!
1202
01:24:17,632 --> 01:24:18,633
I love you.
1203
01:24:18,867 --> 01:24:20,535
I love you. I love you. I love you.
1204
01:24:20,735 --> 01:24:22,103
I hate you!
1205
01:24:22,337 --> 01:24:24,205
Fuck me. Fuck me.
1206
01:24:24,406 --> 01:24:25,273
Fuck you!
1207
01:24:28,777 --> 01:24:29,944
I love you.
1208
01:24:30,178 --> 01:24:31,146
I'm pregnant.
1209
01:24:31,345 --> 01:24:32,547
My goldfish died.
1210
01:24:32,747 --> 01:24:33,815
My hamster died.
1211
01:24:34,048 --> 01:24:34,883
My father's dying.
1212
01:24:35,116 --> 01:24:36,351
I'm pregnant.
1213
01:24:56,537 --> 01:24:58,472
Maybe we should separate.
1214
01:25:38,111 --> 01:25:40,113
Mom! Dad!
1215
01:25:40,346 --> 01:25:41,614
You ready?
1216
01:25:46,352 --> 01:25:48,722
What's up? It's good to see you.
1217
01:25:48,955 --> 01:25:50,390
How you doing?
1218
01:25:51,724 --> 01:25:52,793
What's the matter?
1219
01:25:53,293 --> 01:25:55,595
She just missed you, that's all.
1220
01:25:55,795 --> 01:25:58,231
You've both just grown so big.
1221
01:25:58,464 --> 01:26:01,067
Look at you guys.
I hardly recognize you. Wait.
1222
01:26:02,135 --> 01:26:03,303
Which one is Erin?
1223
01:26:04,170 --> 01:26:05,705
Check it out, Dad.
1224
01:26:06,307 --> 01:26:10,143
I guess we know what your high
is today. "Best All-Around Camper."
1225
01:26:10,343 --> 01:26:11,811
Congratulations. Look.
1226
01:26:12,045 --> 01:26:15,315
I guess this calls for a celebration!
Come on! Riverdance!
1227
01:26:15,915 --> 01:26:18,384
I'm the best all-around Riverdancer
1228
01:26:18,685 --> 01:26:22,021
Come on. Kind of like
a little "Latin Lupe Lu" thing.
1229
01:26:22,822 --> 01:26:24,357
Go with the big finish!
1230
01:26:24,824 --> 01:26:26,359
Come on! What?
1231
01:26:26,658 --> 01:26:30,028
-I have to see these kids next summer.
-Come on, we're hungry.
1232
01:26:30,729 --> 01:26:32,831
Okay. All right.
1233
01:26:38,504 --> 01:26:39,471
Let's go home.
1234
01:26:52,384 --> 01:26:54,753
I think we should go to Chow Fun's.
1235
01:27:03,195 --> 01:27:04,730
Chow Fun's?
1236
01:27:06,965 --> 01:27:09,635
We agreed that we
couldn't talk at Chow Fun's.
1237
01:27:10,202 --> 01:27:11,470
I know.
1238
01:27:13,305 --> 01:27:14,406
What are you saying?
1239
01:27:14,773 --> 01:27:16,708
I'm saying Chow Fun's.
1240
01:27:21,046 --> 01:27:24,081
Are you saying Chow Fun's
because you can't face telling them?
1241
01:27:24,316 --> 01:27:26,884
If that's why, don't say Chow Fun's.
1242
01:27:27,119 --> 01:27:31,422
That's not why. I'm saying Chow Fun's
because we're an "us."
1243
01:27:32,723 --> 01:27:34,892
There's a history here...
1244
01:27:35,160 --> 01:27:37,963
...and histories
don't happen overnight.
1245
01:27:38,763 --> 01:27:40,666
In Mesopotamia or ancient Troy...
1246
01:27:40,932 --> 01:27:44,802
...or somewhere, there are cities
built on top of other cities...
1247
01:27:45,002 --> 01:27:48,239
...but I don't wanna build
another city. I like this city.
1248
01:27:48,472 --> 01:27:50,174
I know where we keep the Bactine...
1249
01:27:50,441 --> 01:27:53,744
...and what mood you're in
by which eyebrow is higher.
1250
01:27:54,011 --> 01:27:58,683
You always know that I'm quiet in
the morning and compensate accordingly.
1251
01:27:58,949 --> 01:28:01,619
That's a dance you perfect over time.
1252
01:28:01,852 --> 01:28:04,722
And it's much harder
than I thought it would be...
1253
01:28:04,989 --> 01:28:09,293
...but there's more good than bad.
And you don't just give up!
1254
01:28:09,493 --> 01:28:12,029
And it's not for the sake
of the children.
1255
01:28:12,263 --> 01:28:14,365
But they're great kids, aren't they?
1256
01:28:14,631 --> 01:28:17,167
And we made them!
I mean, think about that.
1257
01:28:17,435 --> 01:28:20,504
There were no people there,
and then there were people.
1258
01:28:20,770 --> 01:28:22,172
And then they grew.
1259
01:28:22,839 --> 01:28:26,676
I won't be able to say to some
stranger, "Josh has your hands" ...
1260
01:28:26,876 --> 01:28:30,481
...or "Remember how Erin threw up
at the Lincoln Memorial?"
1261
01:28:30,714 --> 01:28:33,617
And I'll try to relax.
1262
01:28:34,751 --> 01:28:38,521
Let's face it, anybody will have
traits that get on your nerves.
1263
01:28:38,822 --> 01:28:42,727
Why shouldn't it be your annoying
traits? I'm no day at the beach.
1264
01:28:42,993 --> 01:28:46,630
But I do have a good sense
of direction, so I can find the beach.
1265
01:28:46,830 --> 01:28:49,199
Which is not a criticism of yours...
1266
01:28:50,467 --> 01:28:52,402
...it's just a strength of mine.
1267
01:28:52,636 --> 01:28:57,574
God, you're a good friend.
And good friends are hard to find.
1268
01:28:58,808 --> 01:29:01,076
Charlotte said that
in Charlotte's Web.
1269
01:29:01,311 --> 01:29:03,546
I love the way you read that to Erin.
1270
01:29:03,746 --> 01:29:06,650
You take on the voice of Wilbur
with such commitment...
1271
01:29:06,917 --> 01:29:08,550
...even when you're bone tired.
1272
01:29:08,852 --> 01:29:12,889
That speaks volumes about character.
And ultimately...
1273
01:29:13,422 --> 01:29:16,659
...isn't that what it comes down to?
What a person's made of?
1274
01:29:17,159 --> 01:29:20,463
Because that girl
in the pith helmet...
1275
01:29:20,729 --> 01:29:22,399
...is still in here.
1276
01:29:25,668 --> 01:29:28,871
I didn't even know she existed
until I met you.
1277
01:29:29,071 --> 01:29:31,241
And I'm afraid if you leave...
1278
01:29:32,141 --> 01:29:34,010
...I may never see her again.
1279
01:29:34,276 --> 01:29:37,980
Even though I said you beat her
out of me. Isn't that the paradox?
1280
01:29:38,280 --> 01:29:41,717
Haven't we hit the essential paradox?
Give and take, push and pull.
1281
01:29:41,951 --> 01:29:44,887
The best of times, the worst of times.
Dickens said it best.
1282
01:29:45,120 --> 01:29:48,958
The Jack Sprat of it. He could eat
no fat. His wife could eat no lean.
1283
01:29:49,225 --> 01:29:53,429
But that doesn't apply here, does it?
I guess what I'm trying to say is...
1284
01:29:54,929 --> 01:29:57,366
...I'm saying Chow Fun's because...
1285
01:29:58,000 --> 01:29:59,602
...I love you.
1286
01:30:08,911 --> 01:30:10,212
I love you too.
1287
01:30:18,219 --> 01:30:19,888
Did you hear that, kids?
1288
01:30:20,154 --> 01:30:22,757
Your mom wants to go to Chow Fun's!
1289
01:30:23,792 --> 01:30:26,494
Isn't that great?
I love Chow Fun's!
1290
01:30:26,828 --> 01:30:29,298
The egg rolls are good,
but not that good.
1291
01:30:29,597 --> 01:30:31,499
The egg rolls are fantastic!
1292
01:30:31,699 --> 01:30:33,968
They're warm, crispy,
greasy as all hell.
1293
01:30:34,235 --> 01:30:36,905
-Everything you want in an egg roll!
-Exactly!
1294
01:30:37,105 --> 01:30:38,606
High/Low. Erin, you first.
1295
01:30:38,907 --> 01:30:41,809
My high for the summer is,
Austin wrote me 111 times.
1296
01:30:42,076 --> 01:30:44,412
How did you come up
with High/Low anyway?
1297
01:30:44,646 --> 01:30:47,282
I don't know.
But I've got another game.
1298
01:30:47,482 --> 01:30:50,217
I'm thinking of seven words.
What are they?
1299
01:30:50,652 --> 01:30:52,319
Do I get a hint?
1300
01:30:52,620 --> 01:30:53,488
A category?
1301
01:30:53,687 --> 01:30:56,758
-Any seven words in English.
-That's right.
1302
01:30:57,024 --> 01:30:58,259
Fair enough.
1303
01:30:59,259 --> 01:31:02,030
"MacArthur Park is melting
in the dark."
1304
01:31:05,399 --> 01:31:08,468
"And they lived happily ever after."
1305
01:31:09,336 --> 01:31:11,939
That's six words,
but you're very close.
1306
01:31:13,206 --> 01:31:16,511
"And they lived mostly happily
ever after"?
1307
01:31:17,277 --> 01:31:18,679
I hope so.
1308
01:31:19,379 --> 01:31:20,981
I think so.
1309
01:31:22,883 --> 01:31:24,117
Think so?
1310
01:31:24,618 --> 01:31:25,852
I do.
1311
01:31:27,187 --> 01:31:28,455
I do...
1312
01:31:28,989 --> 01:31:30,057
...too.
102129
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