Original subtitles

[RATTLING]

[WHIRRING]

♪♪ ['50s POP]

♪ OH, THE SHARK, BABE

♪ HAS SUCH TEETH, DEAR

♪ AND HE SHOWS THEM

♪ PEARLY WHITE

♪ JUST A JACKKNIFE

♪ HAS OLD MACHEATH, BABE

♪ AND HE KEEPS IT-- [MAN] THAT'S ME.

♪ OUT OF SIGHT

BACK IN THE DAY.

BACK WHEN I THOUGHT IT COULD ALL STILL HAPPEN.

I TRIED TO PUT TOGETHER A BIOPIC ABOUT BOBBY DARIN--

ONE OF THE ALL-TIME GREATS.

STARRING, WHO ELSE? ME.

AS A PROMO, WE EVEN GOT A MAKEUP GIRL,

AND I BELTED OUT "MAC THE KNIFE" ON BETA SP.

♪ NEVER A TRACE OF RED

AND THIS IS WAY BACK WHEN VIDEO WAS EXPENSIVE, YOU KNOW?

BACK IN THE EARLY '90s.

BACK BEFORE JUST ANY IDIOT WITH A VIDEO CAMERA

COULD GO OUT AND SHOOT A MOVIE.

♪ SOMEONE'S SNEAKIN' AROUND THE CORNER ♪

AND THAT SONG. IT WAS RIGHT IN MY WHEELHOUSE.

I DON'T KNOW WHY I KEPT ON VIEWING THAT TAPE.

IT WAS LIKE I WAS PICKING AT SCABS.

♪ WELL, CEMENT BAG JUST DROOPIN' ON DOWN ♪

I USED TO DO IT A LOT.

♪ OH, THAT CEMENT IS JUST, IT'S THERE FOR THE WEIGHT, DEAR ♪

FOR THE PAST 20 YEARS, THERE'S ALWAYS BEEN A THING

ABOUT MY LIFE-- WHENEVER I'M SINKING INTO A HOLE,

IT CAUSED ME TO WALLOW IN MY MEMORIES

OF WHAT I "COULDA, SHOULDA" DONE.

IT WAS A CYCLICAL THING.

A VICIOUS CIRCLE.

[BUZZING]

♪ JUST LIKE A SAILOR

♪ COULD IT BE OUR BOY DONE SOMETHING RASH ♪

♪ AH, JENNY DIVER HO, HO ♪

♪ WELL, SHE DIS--

THIS IS ME ABOUT SIX MONTHS AGO.

JUST BEFORE ALL THIS... CHANGE.

IF I EVER NEEDED A DECENT NIGHT'S SLEEP,

IT WAS THEN.

BECAUSE THIS, FROM THE GIT-GO,

WAS DESTINED TO BE THE WORST SINGLE DAY OF MY LIFE.

I MEAN, THIS WAS THE END OF DAYS.

I WAS PRACTICALLY A SHUT-IN.

I COULDN'T RISK RUNNING INTO EDDIE, MY LANDLORD,

WHO LIVES RIGHT NEXT DOOR--

'CAUSE I HADN'T PAID THE POOR GUY HIS RENT

IN OVER HALF A YEAR.

AHH.

[GROANS] GET UP TODAY, YOU IDIOT.

I HATED THE SUN. HATED SWEATING UNDER MY MAN-BOOBS.

I'D JUST BEEN THROUGH AN ARBITRATION,

AND I WAS DUE A FINANCIAL SETTLEMENT FOR SOME WORK

I'D BEEN STIFFED ON ALMOST A YEAR BEFORE.

MY LAWYER SAID, "THEY'LL PAY."

IT WAS TAKING FOREVER TO COLLECT.

AND I WAS DYING SLOWLY OF STRANGULATION.

[CHUCKLES] 85.

THAT'S NICE.

I HADN'T ACTUALLY, REALLY SLEPT IN ABOUT SIX MONTHS.

[SIGHS]

I WOULD LATER, WITH MY EYES CLOSED,

BUT THAT WASN'T SLEEPING-- IT WAS CHECKING MY EYELIDS FOR CRACKS.

I WAS JUST SO TWEAKED ABOUT MONEY.

MY DAD. GOD BLESS HIM.

HE WAS A CROONER WITH THE BIG BANDS, BACK IN THE '40s.

MY DAD MUST BE ROLLING OVER IN HIS GRAVE,

KNOWING THAT NO-ONE IN HIS FAMILY SINGS ANYMORE.

BUT HONESTLY, WHAT DO WE HAVE TO SING ABOUT?

MIKE HADN'T COME HOME THAT NIGHT. [CHUCKLES]

I KEPT FORGETTING. HE'S NOT A LITTLE KID ANYMORE.

HI.

HI.

DID YOU SLEEP? MM-HMM.

LIKE, 10 OR 20 MINUTES.

THE REST OF THE TIME YOU WATCHED ME SLEEP?

YES. [LAUGHING] CREEPY.

YOU WERE AWAKE FOR MOST OF IT.

YEAH. I REMEMBER.

YEAH. I ALWAYS GOTTA LIMP THROUGH THE REST OF THE DAY.

MY DAYS.OH, YOU POOR THING!

HEY. NEXT TIME YOU WANT TO MAKE LOVE 18 TIMES IN A SIX-HOUR PERIOD,

I'LL REMIND YOU OF THIS CONVERSATION.

WHAT? BUT... I'M NOT COMPLAINING.

OH, SURE, YOU'RE COMPLAINING.

NO, THAT'S A GOOD DAY. IT'S A BLISSFUL FOG.

MAYBE SOME COFFEE WILL HELP THAT.

IT'S TONY DURAN. I'M CALLING ABOUT THE PACKAGES I SENT YOU LAST WEEK

REGARDING A PREMIER SALES CONFERENCE HERE IN PALM SPRINGS.

RIGHT NOW, I'M LOOKING OUT MY WINDOW

AT THE SNOW-CAPPED MOUNTAINS IN PALM SPRINGS, AND RIGHT HERE,

ON THE FLOOR, IT'S 85 DEGREES. 85 DEGREES, MR. PEPPER. GO AHEAD.

GOOD LUCK. MM-HMM.

SO, THERE'S NO SENSE IN SUGAR-COATING IT,

UNLESS I WAS GOING TO EAT IT-- I WASN'T CUDDLY, OR HUSKY, OR--

TAKE IT FROM TONY. YOU OWE IT TO YOURSELF.

FRIGGIN' BIG-BONED.

CHAMPIONSHIP BREAKFAST, HUH? LET'S GO.

COME ON, HUH? DADDY'S MAKING LIGHT.

AND I GUESS I WAS PRONE TO SOME PRETTY BAD HABITS.

MM-HMM. ALL RIGHT. I CAN ASK TO PUT YOUR GROUP IN ELVIS'S HONEYMOON HIDEAWAY.

RIGHT WHERE HE AND PRISCILLA STAYED WHEN THEY GOT MARRIED.

YEAH! OH, YEAH, PEOPLE LOVE IT.

PEOPLE SAY, "AW, GEEZ LOUISE. I LET MYSELF GO."

HEY, HEY. CONNOR! CONNOR.

WHAT KIND OF A STUPID EUPHEMISM IS THAT?

"I LET MYSELF GO"?

THAT'S A PHRASE I MIGHT USE TO DESCRIBE GIVING MYSELF PERMISSION

TO PEE OUT IN THE YARD.

TONY DURAN, COACHELLA RESORT CREW.

HERE WE GO. DIALING FOR DOLLARS.

THIS WAS THE END OF THE WORST YEAR I EVER LIVED THROUGH.

I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT, LIKE, WHEN MY WIFE LEFT

OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT-- THAT WAS EASY SHIT.

I MEAN, I WAS RELIEVED WHEN THAT HAPPENED.

WEATHER HERE? BETTER ALL YEAR ROUND.

THIS WAS ONE OF THE WORST YEARS AMERICA HAD EVER LIVED THROUGH.

A GUY LIKE ME, HANGING ON BY FINGERNAILS,

DIDN'T HAVE ANYONE TO TURN TO OR BELIEVE IN,

BECAUSE EVERYBODY WAS SCREWED.

YEAH. SURE, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

THINK ABOUT US NEXT YEAR TOO, WILL YA?

EVEN THE RICH PEOPLE I KNEW.

CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW? CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?

NO ENGLISH? I CAN'T SPEAK SPANISH, NO.

YEAH. OKAY. NEXT WEEK. I'LL CALL YOU NEXT WEEK. FUCK!

IT INFURIATED ME, THAT A FEW GREEDY, MATERIALISTIC BASTARDS

HAD RUINED OUR COUNTRY.

DON'T GET ME STARTED.

ALL RIGHT. YEAH. I'LL CALL YOU BACK.

FUCK!

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]OH, JESUS.

YOU KNOW, EDDIE? YOU GOT TO AT LEAST GIVE ME A COUPLE OF DAYS, MAN.

- GOOD MORNING, SIR. - HUH?

I'M SELLING CHOCOLATE BARS.

THANKS, BUT NO THANKS, KID.

FOR MY LITTLE LEAGUE TEAM. THEY'RE TRYING TO RAISE MONEY

FOR THE TOURNAMENT.

WHAT DAY IS THIS, KID? HOW COME YOU'RE NOT IN SCHOOL?

'CAUSE IT'S SPRING BREAK.

JEEZ.

YOU KNOW... [SIGHS]

I CAN'T, KID. I CAN'T.

WAIT. KID, COME HERE A SECOND.

HOW MUCH ARE THE CHOCOLATE BARS?TWO DOLLARS.

JUST WAIT HERE A SECOND.

AH! HOLD ON, KID!

I GOT TO ACCESS THE VAULT!

CALLING MY FINANCIAL CONSULTANTS.

HOW MUCH WE GOT THERE?

THERE'S A CANADIAN NICKEL I CAN'T TAKE.

OKAY.

TWO... THIRTY... FIVE.

IT'S ONLY TWO DOLLARS.

- KEEP THE CHANGE, KID. - WHAT FOR?

- YOU'RE GONNA WIN, AREN'T YOU? - I HOPE SO.

THEN THAT'S FOR YOUR VICTORY CELEBRATION.

THANKS, MISTER.

YEAH.

NOW GET OUTTA HERE!

DO YOU THINK YOUR DAD'LL, LIKE,

BE MAD THAT YOU'RE SPENDING SO MUCH TIME OVER HERE?

WHY WOULD YOU ASK ME THAT?

I DON'T KNOW. IT JUST SEEMS LIKE HE REALLY DOESN'T APPROVE.

MM. IT'S TRUE. HE DOESN'T.

IT'S 'CAUSE YOU'RE A COUGAR. [LAUGHS]

ME, I'M A CUB. SHUT UP!

I KNOW HE THINKS THAT.

UH... HONESTLY, I DON'T EVEN THINK THAT HE NOTICED THAT I'M GONE.

YOU KNOW? I LOVE MY DAD, IT'S JUST...

BEEN SCRAMBLING.

SO I GOT DRESSED WITHOUT SHOWERING OR CHANGING MY UNDERWEAR

FROM THE DAY BEFORE-- OR EVEN SO MUCH AS BRUSHING MY TEETH.

EVERY DAY, I WENT TO THE MAILBOX, HOPING TO FIND THAT CHECK

I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR.

BUT NOT TODAY. DAMN!

HEY, TONY! TONY! T!

HA?

OH, HI, EDDIE. WHAT'S GOING ON?

WHAT'S THE NEWS, MAN?YOU KNOW, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE IT.

UH, KINGMAN JUST CALLED!AW, TONY...

YEAH, HE SAID IT'S ALL SETTLED, IN MY FAVOR.

AND THEY GOT TO PAY UP REAL QUICK, OR THEY'RE IN TROUBLE WITH THE ARBITRATOR.

ON TOP OF EVERYTHING ELSE.

SO YOU GOT TO THINK. KINGMAN'S GOT NO REASON TO BULLSHIT ME,

BECAUSE HE'S GOT A LIEN ON THIS FOR HIS FEES TOO.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?YEAH.

YEAH. YEAH, I MEAN, THANK GOD, MAN, RIGHT?

RIGHT. RIGHT. LISTEN, LISTEN.

I REALLY APPRECIATE HOW PATIENT YOU'VE BEEN WITH ME.

OKAY? IT'S GONNA FEEL GREAT TO BE ALL PAID UP.

HO! TELL ME ABOUT IT! THE FIRST THING WHEN THAT MONEY COMES IN,

I'M GOING DOWN TO THAT ASIAN MASSAGE PLACE DOWN ON DATE PALM?

YOU KNOW THAT PLACE?

IT IS FANTASTIC HOW THEY HANDLE YOU,

I MEAN, YOU CAN GET A GUY OR GIRL, I MEAN,

YOU KNOW, I'LL GET A GUY, BUT YOU CAN GET A GIRL,

IF YOU WANT, BUT...

WHATEVER YOUR SITUATION IS, THEY HANDLE IT,

AND I GOT TO TELL YOU, MAN, [STUTTERS]

I COULD REALLY USE IT!WELL, MAN, THEN I GUESS

THAT'LL BE OUR PLAN, RIGHT?

ALL I KNOW IS, AT FIRST, IT'S JUST GONNA BE GREAT

TO PAY OFF A WHOLE BUNCH OF BILLS, AND YOU'RE ON TOP OF THAT LIST.

OKAY? I-I GOTTA RUN. OKAY?

I'LL TALK TO YOU. THANKS, EDDIE. THANKS.

TONY. TONY, YOU LET ME KNOW.

YEAH! YEAH! FIRST CLASS.

BAD DAY ALREADY, BUT I'D MADE A DECISION...

THAT WOULD SEND ME ON A SLIDE, STRAIGHT INTO THE SHITTER.

HEY, MIKE.

YEAH, HOW YOU DOING? WHAT'S UP?

UH, ACTUALLY, A LOT.GOOD STUFF.

YOU DIDN'T COME HOME LAST NIGHT.

NO, I DIDN'T. I WAS--

SPENDING THE NIGHT AT CHERYL'S HOUSE. OH.

THAT'S GOOD.

NAH! NO. GREAT. DAMN IT!

I JUST GOT TO GET MY ARMS AROUND THE FACT

THAT YOU'RE DATING AN OLDER WOMAN.

SHE'S 23, SO SHE'S NOT--YOU'RE 19.

BUT L-- I DIDN'T COME HERE TO FIGHT.

WELL, WHAT DID YOU COME HERE FOR?

WHAT, I CAN'T SEE YOU? YOU HAVEN'T BEEN HOME ALL WEEK.

YEAH. IT'S REALLY BECAUSE I DO NOT WANT TO BE THERE

WHEN YOUR ELECTRICITY GETS TURNED OFF.

YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW, THAT'S WHY I CAME.

DAD, I PAY YOU RENT. OKAY? I PAY YOU RENT,

AND I DON'T EVEN SLEEP THERE ANYMORE.

I KNOW, MIKE. AND IT ALL WENT INTO THE BLACK HOLE.

OH, JESUS CHRIST. LOOK.

I GOTTA-- I GOTTA SAVE THE HOUSE.

OKAY? I BEEN PAYING EDDIE ON THIS LEASE-OPTION THING.

I GOT $40,000 OF CASH EQUITY IN THIS HOUSE, OKAY?

I CAN'T LOSE IT. YOU KNOW, THAT'S ALL I GOT.

IT'S YOUR INHERITANCE.

I KNOW CHERYL'S PROBABLY A GREAT GIRL.

WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU LEAVE, AND YOU NEED A PLACE TO GO?

I'VE GOT TO HAVE THE HOUSE SO I CAN TAKE YOU IN. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YEAH. I DO. I-I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.

NOW LISTEN, MAN. I'M REALLY PROUD OF YOU.

YOU'RE WORKING. YOU ARE. NOT A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE.

WHAT ABOUT YOU? ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A JOB?

YEAH. I AM.

YOU KNOW I CAN'T TAKE SOME $15-AN-HOUR JOB,

OR SOME 40-HOUR-A-WEEK GIG, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I GOT TO MAKE SOME BIG COMMISSIONS. OH.

I NEED SIX, SEVEN GRAND A MONTH, JUST TO PAY SOME BILLS OFF.

YOU KNOW?

IT'S LIKE THE PERFECT STORM, MAN, YOU KNOW?

THE DIVORCE, YOUR MOM-- THE ECONOMY--

IT JUST ALL BLEW UP IN MY FACE.

YOU GOT ANYTHING IN RESERVE?

I GOT-- I GOT 400 BUCKS.

DAD, TO GIVE YOU... UM,

YOU KNOW, JUST TO PAY NEXT MONTH'S...

NO, THAT'S GREAT. AND THEN, YOU DON'T HAVE TO PAY ME ON THE 1ST, OKAY?

YEAH. THAT'S OKAY.

UM...

DID YOU WANT IT NOW? BECAUSE THERE'S AN ATM MACHINE.

[SIGHS] YEAH.

OKAY. UH, YEAH.

THANKS, MIKE.

[SIGHS] I ASKED FOR THE MONEY TO PAY THE ELECTRIC BILL?

BUT THAT WAS A LIE.

I HAD IT IN MIND TO BREAK OUT OF THIS TERRIBLE PLACE I'D GOTTEN INTO.

I HAD A WAY TO MAKE SOME MONEY,

BUT I NEEDED ABOUT TWO GRAND TO DO IT.

THAT'S WHAT I GOT. FIVE HUNDRED BUCKS?

[SIGHS] THANKS, SON. YEAH.

DAD, UM...

[SOB] LOVE YOU, DAD.

AHH.

SO WHY DON'T YOU BRING CHERYL OVER TO THE HOUSE?

I WILL, IF YOU'D TRY TO BE NICE.

I'M ALWAYS NICE, MIKE.

IN MY WAY.YEAH. SURE.

YOU PULL OUT YOUR GUITAR, AND WE'LL DO THE OLD ACT.

YEAH. YEAH, I WILL. I WILL.

OKAY. UM...

I GOT A-- I GOT A POSTCARD IN THE MAIL FROM MOM.

A LETTER FROM THE BEACH?

WHY DID YOU SAY IT LIKE THAT? SINCE WE HAVE A CONFERENCE WITH HER--

SHE'S AT THE BEACH. IN CANCUN.

YEAH. I'M SORRY. SHE'S AT THE BEACH IN...

CANCUN.

[MAN] COME ON! UM,

I-- GO PAY THE BILL.YEAH.

OKAY. THANKS, SON.

SURE. IN THIS WORLD, THERE AREN'T TOO MANY MISTAKES

WORSE THAN PUTTING YOUR OWN KID IN THE POSITION OF HAVING TO BE THE PARENT.

IT SUCKS PRETTY BAD.

FOR MOST OF US, THIS HAPPENS WHEN WE'RE BLISSFULLY DEMENTED IN OUR OLD AGE.

I'M JEALOUS OF THOSE PEOPLE.

BUT THE DAY WAS YOUNG, AND I STILL HAD WHOLE, NEW HORIZONS

OF DICK-HEADEDNESS TO EXPLORE.

TO GET THE REST OF THE MONEY,

I SAW MY OLD FRIEND JERRY BRAILL.

HE WAS THE ONLY GUY I KNEW WHO WASN'T WIPED OUT.

JERRY WAS AN OLD SCHOOL COMEDIAN,

FROM THE CATSKILLS TO ED SULLIVAN,

TO VEGAS, TO HOLLYWOOD,

AND THEN LATER, AN ETERNITY IN DINNER THEATER.

HE WAS LONG RETIRED, BUT HE'D REALLY BEEN AROUND.

THE THING IS, JERRY USED TO BE COURT JESTER

TO SOME REALLY NOTORIOUS MOB GUYS.

I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY OF THEM ARE STILL AROUND

TO ANSWER A CALL.

H-HEY! THERE HE IS.

HI, JERRY.WHERE THE HELL YOU BEEN?

I WAS HALF-EXPECTING A REPORT IN THE NEWS.

WHAT? THE NEIGHBORS CALLED, COMPLAINING.

THEY FIND YOU WHILE INVESTIGATING THE CADAVEROUS WAFT.

THEY FIND YOUR DOG SITTING LIKE HENRY VIII,

WITH YOUR DRUMSTICK IN HIS MOUTH.

COME ON! WELL, AT LEAST WE KNOW THERE'S NO QUESTION WHERE WE'D FIND YOU.

NEVER. MANHATTAN IN THE DESERT.

STORY OF MY LIFE. "MANHATTAN IN THE DESERT."

OY. SO YOU DISAPPEARED?

YEAH, I KNOW. HEY, I--

YOU GOT A MINUTE?YEAH, I'M DONE. SIT.

THANKS. YOU MAKE QUITE A STYLISH FIGURE HERE

THIS MORNING.

HIYA. COFFEE?

UH, YEAH, SURE. I'LL HAVE SOME COFFEE.

YOU LIKE THAT.WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "WHAT DO I MEAN?"

IT'S A SIMPLE QUESTION. YOU GOT DROOL ON YOUR CHIN.

YOU MEAN, HER?

SHE'S BEEN MY NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION, LIKE, THE LAST TWO YEARS.

OKAY? AND I HAVEN'T EVEN SAID HELLO YET.

I WANT TO KISS EVERY LAST CENTIMETER OF--

ACTUALLY, WHEN I SAY "KISS," I MEAN LICK.

I'M SURE.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M PRETTY SURE SHE'S SINGLE.

SHE DEFINITELY IS.

I TRIED. [LAUGHS]

YOU OLD DOG.

HOW'D SHE TURN YOU DOWN?

SHE OPINED THAT THE TIMES HAD NOT YET GOTTEN THAT HARD.

TO WHICH I RESPONDED, THAT I HAD.

YOU DESERVED IT.

SHE HAS A DAUGHTER, YOU KNOW? SO?

SO, YOU JUST DON'T INDISCRIMINATELY

LICK ON LADIES WHO HAVE YOUNG CHILDREN.

READY TO ORDER?UM, YOU KNOW WHAT?

IF IT'S OKAY WITH YOU, I MIGHT JUST-- JUST HAVE SOME COFFEE.

COFFEE IN A COFFEE SHOP. YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF.

I AM, BELIEVE ME.

SO WHAT'S UP?

THINGS HAVE GOTTEN A LITTLE TOUGH LATELY, JERRY.

HOW MUCH? YOU KNOW, JERRY. IT'S JUST NOT THAT EASY, MAN.

YOU'VE BEEN MY OLDEST FRIEND OUT HERE IN THE DESERT.

YOU GOT ME MY FIRST JOB. I DON'T WANT TO STEP ALL OVER THAT.

IT'S JUST--

I-I CAN'T GET ANYTHING FROM BACK HOME RIGHT NOW, MAN.

AND UH... I'M FLYING WITHOUT A NET.

I KNOW. THESE ARE TOUGH DAYS.

YEAH, BUT YOU KNOW, I ALWAYS MANAGED TO BE ABLE TO PAY YOU BACK BEFORE.

AND I MEAN, I KNOW SOMETIMES IT'S TAKEN A WHILE, BUT...

BUT I ALWAYS GOT YOU YOUR MONEY BACK, A-AND YOU MADE SOME, TOO. YOU KNOW?

DO I WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT IS? NO.

HOW MUCH? UH...

WELL, I GOT PART OF IT, SEE, BUT--

BUT BASICALLY IT'S A-- I CAN TURN TWO GRAND INTO SIX THOUSAND DOLLARS

AND HAVE ENOUGH TO PAY YOU SOME VIG,

AND PAY OFF A BIG PILE OF MY BILLS. NOT ALL OF THEM.

BUT I COULD AT LEAST KEEP MY EYEBALLS ABOVE THE FLOOD FOR A WHILE.

AND THIS IS SOMETHING I MIGHT BE ABLE TO DO MONTH TO MONTH.

WHAT KIND OF VIG?

FIVE HUNDRED. FLAT.

HOW LONG? TWO, THREE DAYS.

TWO DAYS, TO TURN TWO GRAND INTO SIX?

I REALLY DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT IS, DO I?

NO.

IS THERE ANY CHANCE THAT IF I GET DOWN ON MY KNEES

AND BEGGED YOU, THAT I COULD GET YOU TO CHANGE YOUR MIND,

AND ABANDON WHAT COULD ONLY BE A STUPID FUCKING IDEA?NO.

AND ONE THAT'S DEFINITELY GOING TO BLOW UP IN YOUR FACE?

I NEED TO DO THIS, JERRY.

HOW MUCH MONEY DO YOU ALREADY HAVE?

400 DOLLARS.

SO YOU NEED 16?SIXTEEN HUNDRED.

AND I GET FIVE? YEAH.

[SIGHS]

JESUS, JERRY. WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' WITH ALL THAT MONEY?

YOU JUST ASKED FOR IT.

I DIDN'T THINK YOU'D HAVE IT ON YOU.

I GOT A COUPLE OF GRAND WALKING AROUND MONEY.

COUPLE OF GRAND WALKING-AROUND MONEY?

YEAH, WHAT DO YOU WALK AROUND WITH?

LIKE TWELVE.

TWELVE?

IF YOU GOT TWELVE, WHY DO YOU NEED SIXTEEN?

I THOUGHT YOU HAD FOUR.

NOT TWELVE HUNDRED. TWELVE DOLLARS.

LIKE I MIGHT NEED A DIET COKE, OR A TWINKIE.

MAYBE A COUPLE GALLONS OF GAS?

OH. THAT'S NOT GOOD.

NO, THAT'S NOT GOOD, JERRY.

THE TWINKIE, I ENJOY. BUT NO, IT'S NOT GOOD.

THANKS, JERRY. I'LL BE IN TOUCH.

YEAH, UM... HEY, I'LL SEE YOU.

BYE, TONY.

MY BRILLIANT IDEA WAS SIMPLE:

I KNEW WHERE TO SCORE A COUPLE OF OUNCES OF COCAINE.

AT LEAST, I THOUGHT IT WAS COKE.

IT COULD HAVE BEEN SPEED.

BUT HOW SHOULD I KNOW ONE WHITE POWDER FROM ANOTHER?

I TASTED IT AT A PARTY A FEW MONTHS EARLIER,

AND IT FELT LIKE COKE ON MY GUMS.

ANYWAY, WHATEVER IT WAS,

I ALSO KNEW A WHOLE POPULATION OF RICH GUYS

IN THOSE RESORT COMMUNITIES THAT WERE HAPPY

TO SHOVE ANYTHING UP THEIR NOSES FOR GIGGLES.

I WAS ABLE TO JUSTIFY THIS PLAN IN MY BATTERED MORALITY,

BY FIGURING THAT MOST OF THE PEOPLE I'D BE SELLING IT TO

WERE GUYS IN THEIR 60s.

IT WAS SOMEHOW, TO ME, OKAY TO DEAL COKE

IF I COULD BE REASONABLY SURE

THAT IT WOULDN'T FALL INTO THE HANDS OF KIDS.

THESE FOLKS WERE GOING TO FIND THEIR KICKS FROM SOMEONE ELSE ANYWAY.

IT MIGHT AS WELL BE ME SELLING IT TO THEM.

IN OTHER WORDS, I WAS A COMPLETE PIECE OF SHIT.

I DON'T KNOW WHY THE HELL I PARKED SO FAR AWAY FROM THE HOUSE.

I GUESS I FIGURED IF THE PLACE WAS BUSTED WHILE I WAS THERE,

I DIDN'T WANT MY CAR TO GET IMPOUNDED.

WHAT KIND OF DOUCHEBAG LOGIC IS THAT?

[BARKING]

I WAS SWEATING MY ASS OFF BY THE TIME I GOT TO THE DOOR.

HEY. UH, DOES ART LIVE HERE?

- CAN I HELP YOU? - YEAH. IS ART HERE?

ART?

- ART! - WHAT?

DO YOU REMEMBER ME?

NO.

YEAH, WE MET AT MY FRIEND DON'S HOUSE?

AT A PARTY? WE TALKED.

- [GLASS BREAKING] - [MOANING INSIDE HOUSE]

- SHUT THE FUCK UP! - [MAN] I'M SORRY, MAN!

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!

NOT YOU. AND?

YOU HAD SOME STUFF?

DID I?

REGULAR SNOW STORM.

[MOTORCYCLE ROARING]

CRYSTAL METH.

THAT'S DEXTROMETHAMPHETAMINE.

WAS IT?

SEE, I THOUGHT IT WAS COKE.

AND ACTUALLY, I WAS HOPING IT WAS COKE.

UH, WHY IS THAT?

YOU KNOW, I JUST THINK IT'S A LITTLE MORE UPSCALE.

THAN METH. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

IN BOTH MARKETING AND PERCEPTION.

I-I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

SEE, COKE IS A SEROTONIN- DOPAMINE REUPTAKE INHIBITOR.

IT'S AN ANESTHETIC AND AN APPETITE SUPPRESSANT.

IT'S TOTALLY ADDICTIVE, WITHOUT ANY UPSIDE.

IT JUST DEADENS AND LEAVES YOU PARANOID.

COKE IS FOR ASSHOLES.

UNLESS, OF COURSE, YOU'RE SOME KIND OF A JUNGLE DUDE,

YOU'RE LIVING IN PERU OR COLUMBIA.

EATING THE LEAF LIKE NATURE INTENDED,

TO TAKE THE STING OUT OF A LIFE AS A PRIMITIVE MAN,

LIVING UNDER THE THUMB OF AN OPPRESSIVE REGIME,

WHEN ALL THE REST OF THE WORLD IS WATCHING TELEVISION.

WE HAVE TELEVISION, DON'T WE?YEAH. SURE DO.

I WAS PROBABLY JUST AN ASSHOLE IN THE '90S, HUH?

HEY, ART.

HEY, YOU GOT A MINUTE? WE COULD TALK FOR A SECOND?

[SNIFFS] SMELL THAT. SMELLS GOOD, DOESN'T IT?

YEAH.

YOU GO WATCH SOME CARTOONS. I'LL BE BACK IN A MINUTE.

WHAT'S UP, BIG GUY?

Y'KNOW, I UH.

I'M THINKING MAYBE I COULD MOVE SOME OF YOUR PRODUCT.

ALL RIGHT? YOU KNOW, SOME OF THE METH?

I MEAN, MAYBE, YOU KNOW,

NOT A LOT, BUT LIKE AN OUNCE OR TWO A MONTH?

SEE, I RUN ALL THE MEDIA AND MARKETING FOR ALL THE BIG RESORTS.

SO I GOT A CLIENTELE THAT CAN AFFORD A COUPLE BAD HABITS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

WELL,

METH IS A VERY DEMOCRATIC STIMULANT, YOU KNOW?

AND ANY MOTHER'S SON CAN AFFORD IT.

YOU'RE NOT TRYING TO TELL ME YOU DON'T WANT TO INCREASE YOUR CLIENT BASE, ARE YOU?

LOOK, YOU CAN USE ALL THOSE FAGGOTY MARKETING WORDS YOU WANT,

BUT YOU'RE STILL ASKING TO BE A DEALER HERE.

YOU UP FOR THAT, BIG GUY?

IT'S NOT EXACTLY MY FIRST CAREER CHOICE,

BUT I GOTTA DO SOMETHING NOW.

WELL SEE, THAT'S A PROBLEM.

BECAUSE IT IS MY CAREER AND I'M VERY GOOD AT IT.

I MIX UP A MIGHTY TASTY TEA FROM PHARMACEUTICAL GRADE PSEUDOEPHEDRINE,

AND I SELL IT FOR A PROFIT.

I PROVIDE THE TWEAKERS OF THIS WORLD WITH A VALUABLE SERVICE.

NOW, THREE THINGS: A GOOD DRUG DEALER DOESN'T GET CAUGHT.

HE DOESN'T HAVE HIS TWEAKERS DROPPIN' DEAD ON HIM.

AND HE NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER...

GETS PUT IN A POSITION TO HAVE SOMEBODY KILLED.

AND I HATE IT WHEN SOME STUPID FUCKIN' MOTHERFUCKER

COMES ALONG TO SPOIL IT FOR ME-- YOU GOT IT?

YEAH. YEAH, I GET IT. BUT I THINK WE'RE ON THE SAME PAGE.

SEE, I WANT TO KEEP THIS AWAY FROM THE KIDS.

MY CLIENTELE? THEY'RE MORE MATURE.

OH, WELL.

OH GOD, I FEEL BETTER. THANK YOU!

ALL RIGHT, COOL, MAN. ALL RIGHT, THEN WE CAN DO BUSINESS, HUH?

[LAUGHS] JESUS--

ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND?

WHAT'S THE PROBLEM, MAN?

HEY, LET ME JUST TELL YOU SOMETHING, IN CASE YOU'RE WORRIED.

I'M NOT A COP. [LAUGHS HARDER]

HEY! HEY, I GOT TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS, RIGHT HERE.

GIMME THAT.

SIXTEEN HUNDRED IN HUNDREDS, 400 IN TWENTIES.

COUNT IT, MAN! COUNT IT!

WHAT? THE MONEY.

WHAT MONEY?THE MONEY I JUST HANDED YOU!

INSIDE OVER HERE,

I GOT A YOUNG TWEAKER WHO'S ALREADY GIVEN ME ALL HIS WORLDLY POSSESSIONS,

AND HE CAN'T AFFORD ANY MORE CRYSTAL.

NOW, IN A MINUTE, I'M GOING TO WALK IN THERE,

AND I'M GONNA TELL HIM THAT IF HE WANTS A SNOOTFUL,

HE'LL COME OUT HERE WITH A BOX CUTTER

AND HE'LL CARVE YOUR FUCKING FACE UP INTO A DOILY.

NOW YOU BETTER FUCKIN' GET OUTTA HERE!

ALAN! BRIAN!

I WAS BEGINNING TO SUSPECT THAT SOMETHING HAD GONE TERRIBLY WRONG.

BUT I JUST STOOD THERE. I DIDN'T KNOW IF HE WAS KIDDING,

AND HE'D BRING ME OUT MY GRAMS, OR WAS IT LIKE A TEST OF SOME KIND, LIKE, HE LIKE--

THIS GUY WOULDN'T DO BUSINESS WITH SOMEBODY UNLESS HE HAD THE GUTS FOR IT?

OR, IF HE JUST STOLE MY MONEY.

I MEAN, DID HE THINK I'D STAND FOR THAT?

AND THEN IT HIT ME, MORON THAT I AM,

THAT I COULDN'T VERY WELL GO TO THE COPS AND COMPLAIN

THAT THE BIG BAD METH MANUFACTURER HAD STOLEN THE MONEY I'D BORROWED

AT LOAN SHARK RATES TO SCORE WHITE POWDER FOR DISTRIBUTION!

SOMEHOW, I DIDN'T THINK THAT STORY WOULD GENERATE MUCH SYMPATHY

FROM LAW ENFORCEMENT. [ART] BRIAN!

GET A SHOVEL AND DIG A HOLE!

WE'RE ROASTIN' A FUCKING PIG.

BRIAN! GODDAMN IT, ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?

[NATIVE AMERICAN CHANTING]

[VOMITING]

ICE CREAM AND PEANUT BUTTER. AND VODKA.

[CRYING]

YOU STUPID SON OF A BITCH! WHAT THE FUCK?

FUCK! YOU LOSER!

LOSER!

WHAT'D I DO? WHAT DID I DO WRONG?

HUH? WHY?

YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST STRANGE.

AFTER A WHILE, YOU KINDA WANT TO HIT BOTTOM.

YOU JUST-- YOU JUST WANT TO GET IT OVER WITH.

YOU GET, I DON'T KNOW, KIND OF BORED.

OF, UH, PLUMMETING.

PLUMMETING CAN BE A DRAG AFTER A WHILE.

FUCK.

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOU?

AND YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE GOING TO PAY THE ELECTRICITY.

THE ELECTRICITY'S FINE.NO. THE ELECTRICITY IS OFF!

NO. AW, SHIT! THAT LADY ON THE LINE TOLD ME

I HAD THREE DAYS TO PAY THE BILL, I THINK, YESTERDAY.

MAYBE MONDAY. AW...

WHY DIDN'T YOU PAY IT?I CAN'T SAY.

EXCEPT I GAVE YOU ENOUGH MONEY TO PAY IT.

YEAH. I LOST IT, MIKE.

YOU WHAT?

I LOST IT ALL.WAIT, WAIT A SECOND. WAIT.

HOW? HOW DID YOU LOSE THE MONEY?

I CAN'T SAY.ARE YOU KIDDING ME?.

DAD, THAT'S SO FUCKING MESSED UP. OKAY? YOU NEED--

YOU NEED TO GET SOME HELP!I KNOW.

NO, YOU NEED TO GET HELP!I KNOW, MIKE.

I ASKED THE ONLY TWO PEOPLE IN THE WORLD WHO WOULD HELP ME

TO HELP ME TODAY, AND THEY DID!

AND YOU KNOW, I STILL SCREWED IT UP.

JESUS CHRIST, MAN! OKAY, YOU NEED TO STOP DRINKING.

THAT'S WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO. YOU NEED TO GO BACK TO AA.

I'M NOT GOING BACK TO AA!

I GOT ENOUGH TWO WEEK AND FOUR WEEK CHIPS

TO START A POKER GAME, FOR CHRISSAKES!

I GOT TO DO THIS MYSELF.

USUALLY I CAN. WHEN THINGS ARE NOT SO FROZEN.

BUT RIGHT NOW? NOTHING'S WORKING, MAN.

YOU KNOW? AND THOSE GUYS AT AA? COME ON.

THEY HAVEN'T HAD A DRINK IN 20 YEARS AND THEY'RE STILL BLAMING THEIR SHIT ON ALCOHOL.

THEY GO TO THOSE MEETINGS JUST TO-- JUST TO--

THEY GO TO THE MEETINGS TO STOP FUCKING DRINKING!

THAT'S WHY THEY GO, NOT TO DO ANYTHING ELSE.

AND I DON'T FUCKING KNOW ANYMORE!

AND YOU'RE TOO MUCH OF A FUCKING COWARD

TO ADMIT THAT YOU HAVE AN ISSUE.

BUT GUESS WHAT, MAN, I'M NOT FUCKING DEALING WITH IT ANYMORE.

THAT'S ALL. I'M FUCKING OUTTA HERE, OKAY?

NO. NO, MIKE--I'M FUCKING OUTTA HERE!

DO NOT FUCKING TOUCH ME!

MIKE! MIKE!

I WAS TIRED. I MEAN, RUNNING AWAY FROM THE RANCH

WAS MORE EXERCISE THAN I HAD IN TEN YEARS.

I HONESTLY HAD A HARD TIME LIFTING MY FEET TO TAKE A SINGLE STEP.

AND I COULDN'T IMAGINE FEELING ANY WORSE IN MY CONSCIENCE.

BUT AGAIN, AIMING AT GETTING IT ALL OVER WITH, I WENT TO FINISH IT.

I FELT COMPELLED TO FACE IT, EVEN THOUGH MY WHOLE LIFE HAD TRAINED ME TO RUN AWAY.

SO?

SO, IT WAS JUST LIKE YOU SAID.

I LOST IT ALL.

I GOT ROBBED.

YEAH. HOW IT HAPPENED DOESN'T MATTER.

MARIA? SI?

WHISKEY, POR FAVOR. SI,JERRY.

JERRY-- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

CHRIST'S SAKE, THIS IS WHAT I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU--

I WENT OUT TO THIS PLACE, AND THESE GUYS ALMOST--

NO, TONY, NOT TODAY, NOT IN THE LAST 6 HOURS, YOU FUCKIN' IDIOT.

I'M TALKING ABOUT IN YOUR LIFE!

WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO YOU?

I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE MONEY--

THOUGH DON'T KID YOURSELF, YOU OWE ME 2100,

AND YOU'RE GOING TO PAY EVERY CENT,

OR YOU'LL WORK IT OFF FOR ME, AS I DECIDE-- WITHOUT FAIL.

JUST UNDERSTAND THAT MUCH.

BECAUSE I CAN'T CALL A COUPLE OF GUYS WITH BENT NOSES

TO COME AND COLLECT FROM A-- I WON'T SAY LIKE A SON,

MORE LIKE AN IDIOT NEPHEW!

YOU'LL PAY IT OFF BY DOING EXACTLY WHAT I TELL YOU TO DO.

I WILL. I WILL.

SOLAMENTE UNO TAZO, QUERIDA. THIS IDIOT ISN'T DRINKING.

JERRY, I'M SORRY.YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

BUT WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

I DON'T KNOW. I MEAN, IT--

IT JUST CREPT UP ON ME OVER THE LAST SIX MONTHS,

AND THEN ALL OF SUDDEN I WAS JUST SO BROKE--

NO, MAN, YOU'RE NOT LISTENING, AND YOU'RE PISSING ME OFF!

I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT RECENTLY, OR EVEN A FEW YEARS AGO WHEN STACY LEFT.

I'M TALKING ABOUT WHEN YOU HAD A SHOT.

BECAUSE I REMEMBER YOU HAD A SHOT. YEAH!

BACK IN HOLLYWOOD. YOU HAD A LITTLE HEAT.

YOU COULDA GONE UP, BUT INSTEAD YOU WENT DOWN,

AND YOU'VE BEEN BUMPING ALONG THE BOTTOM EVER SINCE.

I WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.

I'LL TAKE 200 DOLLARS OFF YOUR TAB IF YOU TELL ME THE TRUTH.

THE TRUTH. YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT.

THE TRUTH DOESN'T HAVE TO BE MANUFACTURED. IT JUST IS.

YOU KNOW, WE CAN'T ALL HAVE STORIED CAREERS, JERRY.

[CHUCKLES, SNORTS]

I DON'T SEE YOU OUT THERE SETTING THE WORLD ON FIRE.

DON'T DEFLECT, PISHER. I HAD MY DAY.

I'M 72 YEARS OLD, AND I MADE MINE BY WORKING MY ASS OFF.

I DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING--FOR OVER HALF CENTURY,

EVERYWHERE I WENT, IT WAS A YUKFEST!

I MADE PRESIDENTS PISH IN THEIR PANTS,

AND WORKED IN THE WORST BARROOM DIVES IMAGINABLE,

SWEATING LIKE A DITCH DIGGER TO MAKE A COUPLE OF AFTERNOON ALKIES CHUCKLE.

SO DON'T TURN THIS AROUND ON MY SUCCESS.

I KNOW WHO I AM, AND WHO I WAS. WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?

I DIDN'T MEAN--I WANT THE TRUTH!

THE TRUTH?YEAH. REMEMBER WHAT THAT IS?

YOU MEAN LIKE, DO I KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE A CONCEPT,

OR DO I ACTUALLY KNOW THE TRUTH IN THIS CASE?

BOTH, TONY.

BECAUSE THE TRUTH IS A LITTLE TOO PLIABLE WITH YOU.

YOU'RE TOO WILLING TO BELIEVE THAT A LINE OF BULLSHIT'S THE TRUTH,

LIKE THAT STUPID FUCKING THING YOU DID TODAY WITH MY MONEY.

YOU BELIEVED THAT YOU COULD DO THINGS A CERTAIN WAY, AND YOU COULDN'T.

YOU ACTUALLY CAN BULLSHIT YOURSELF,

AND THAT'S THE MOST DANGEROUS KIND OF LIAR THERE IS.

'CAUSE IF YOU BELIEVE YOUR CRAP, IT COMES OFF REASONABLE

TO AN OTHERWISE SKEPTICAL AUDIENCE.

YOU NEED TO SAY THE TRUTH.

I KNOW HOW TO TELL THE TRUTH.

BUT WHAT'S THAT WORTH TO ME? 200 BUCKS, HUH?

200 BUCKS TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH? ISN'T THAT KINDA CHEAP?

NOT TO ME. I THINK THE TRUTH SHOULD BE FREE.

OH, SHIT. TAKE YOUR TIME.

SHIT.

SHIT. [CHUCKLE, SNORT]

WOW.

WELL--

IT'S BEEN LIKE, A LONG TIME.

IT'S LIKE 18--

NO. MIKE'S 19. SO 20 YEARS AGO.

WHAT WAS?

REMEMBER THAT-- THAT UH, VIDEO PROMO SHOOT I DID FOR BOBBY DARIN?

FOR THE FILM PROJECT?

I SAW THE TAPE.

YEAH, WELL, THAT WAS LIKE, RIGHT BEFORE STACY AND I CAME OUT HERE.

RIGHT BEFORE MIKE WAS BORN.

RIGHT.

WELL, I PUT THAT PROJECT TOGETHER WITH SOME CASH FROM A FEW DIFFERENT PLACES.

YOU KNOW, MY DAD GAVE ME SOME MONEY.

AND UH, THIS GUY I WAS WORKING FOR AT THE TIME, HE INVESTED TOO.

YOU REMEMBER JOE ROSS? NO.

WELL, I WASN'T GETTING CAST MUCH ANYMORE, SO I HAD TO TAKE A JOB

AT A PRODUCTION COMPANY IN CULVER CITY.

YOU REMEMBER THAT? MM-HMMM.

WELL, JOE ROSS OWNED THAT STUDIO.

WE SHOT THE VIDEO AT THE STUDIO, AND JOE HAD GIVEN ME SOME CASH AS WELL.

BUT THEN, AFTER THE SHOOT, THERE WAS A PARTY AT THIS GUY'S ARTIST'S LOFT DOWNTOWN,

WHERE YOU KNOW, CREW MEMBERS,

MONEY GUYS AND WANNABEES.

I GUESS I WAS ONE OF THEM.

WE WERE TRYING TO SCHMOOZE THE INVESTORS TO LAUNCH THE MOVIE PRODUCTION.

YOU WERE REALLY GREAT. I'LL BE RIGHT OVER HERE.

NOW, JOE ROSS WAS A STRANGE GUY.

HE ALWAYS DID BUSINESS WITH HIS MOTHER, AND SHE WAS HIS RIGHT HAND.

SHE HANDLED HIM, AND I MEAN, THIS WAS A TOUGH LADY.

AND HIS SON WAS ALWAYS THERE, TOO,

BUT I NEVER KNEW WHAT HE DID IN TERMS OF RUNNING THE STUDIO.

NO, SORRY, GUY. WHAT?

AND THEY WOULD ALL OF THEM REFER TO THE FATHER OF THE FAMILY.

I NEVER MET THE GUY, BUT HE WORKED IN PART OF THE FAMILY BUSINESS.

HE WORKED OUT OF SANTA FE.

YOU WANT TO GET A PIECE OF ME? COME ON OVER HERE!

I'M GONNA RIP YOUR FUCKIN' HEAD OFF!

JOE, HE WAS INTENSE. HE COULD BE TEMPERAMENTAL.

HE NEVER YELLED AT ME-- I MEAN, HE DID, BUT NEVER THAT BAD.

[SIGHS HEAVILY]

BUT I'D HEARD HIM SCREAMING INTO THE PHONE BEFORE.

AND I KNEW HE OWNED A GUN.

BUT HE'D BEEN GOOD TO ME, SO I DIDN'T QUESTION HIS MOTIVES TOO MUCH.

SO THE NIGHT OF THE SHOOT, I GOT TO THE PARTY,

AND EVERYBODY MADE A TOAST "TO BOBBY DARIN!"

AND WE ALL CLINKED GLASSES.

SO IT WAS JUST LIKE TWO WEEKS AFTER WE SHOT THAT PROMO...

JOE ROSS GOT KILLED. IN SOME AMBUSH WITH GUNFIRE ON HIS WAY TO LUNCH.

WAIT A MINUTE. I REMEMBER THAT.

IN THE SAME HOUR, HIS FATHER WAS ASSASSINATED TOO, IN SANTA FE, NEW MEXICO.

YEAH! PEOPLE WERE TALKING ABOUT THAT IN TOWN.

YEAH. THEY OBVIOUSLY PISSED OFF THE WRONG FUCKING PEOPLE.

JESUS. SIMULTANEOUS, IN TWO CITIES?

YEAH.

THE GUY HAD TAKEN SOME INVESTMENT MONEY FOR A MOVIE THAT NEVER GOT MADE, RIGHT?

YOU KNOW, I NEVER KNEW WHAT HIS BUSINESS WAS.

I MEAN, ALL I KNOW IS, HE HAD CASH.

AND YOU GOT SPOOKED, PULLED UP YOUR ROOTS IN L.A.,

AND CAME OUT TO PALM SPRINGS?

YEAH. THAT'S IT.

HMM. HMM!

I DON'T BUY IT.

[STAMMERING] WHAT DO YOU MEAN, MAN?

THAT'S THE TRUTH. THAT'S SOME PRETTY CRAZY SHIT!

I KNOW IT IS. BUT THERE'S MORE.

SOME DISHONEST PEOPLE GOT MURDERED.

YOU HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THEIR DISHONESTY, RIGHT?

NO, NOTHING.

YEAH. WELL, I COULD SEE HOW YOU'D FREAK OUT, AND--

BUT RUN AWAY FROM YOUR LIFE, FOREVER, AMEN?

I DON'T THINK SO.

TRUTH.

I WAS GONNA BE IN THE CAR WITH THE ROSSES THAT DAY.

I WENT TO LUNCH WITH THEM EVERY DAY.

BUT WE WERE GOING OVER ACCOUNTS. UH, I DIDN'T GO.

SOMETHING HAPPENED.

TELL ME.

AT THE PARTY, I WAS INTRODUCED TO A GUY NAMED SAL.

SALVATORE SOMETHING-OR-OTHER. HE WAS ONE OF THE MONEY GUYS,

OR A BUSINESS ASSOCIATE OF SOME KIND,

BUT I NEVER SPOKE TO HIM PERSONALLY.

I MEAN, I NEVER GOT TO KNOW THE GUY.

SO I WAS WORKING THAT MORNING,

AND ON MY WAY BACK TO THE OFFICE FROM ONE OF SOUNDSTAGES...

THAT I NOTICED A COUPLE OF GUYS TALKING DOWN AN ALLEY BY THE DUMPSTER.

AND THEY WERE IN A PRETTY HEATED DISCUSSION.

AND THEN I SAW THAT ONE OF THEM WAS THIS GUY SAL.

SO I STARTED TOWARD THEM, FIGURING I MIGHT BE ABLE TO PLUG THE DARIN PROJECT AGAIN.

AND BEFORE THEY KNEW I WAS THERE, I HEARD THE ONE GUY SAY,

"NO, IT'S GOTTA BE DONE TODAY." AND THEN SAL SAYS,

"I DON'T MIND WHACKING THE MOTHERFUCKER, BUT I WANNA GET SOME OF THE MONEY BACK."

AND THE OTHER GUY SAYS, "NO, THE BOSS SAYS NOW. HE'S TIRED OF WAITING."

I JUST BACKED AWAY AND WENT INSIDE.

SO I WENT UPSTAIRS TO THE OFFICE,

AND I INTENDED TO SAY SOMETHING TO JOE, TO WARN HIM.

AND HE TURNS TO ME, AND HE INVITES ME OUT TO LUNCH AGAIN WITH HIM AND THE FAMILY.

AND WE JUST LOOKED AT EACH OTHER FOR A MOMENT

UNTIL I SAID, "NO THANKS, I GOT A CLIENT COMING IN FOR A TOUR." I CHOKED.

I COULDN'T SAY ANYTHING. I WAS AFRAID THOSE GUYS MIGHT HAVE SEEN ME.

THEN THEY'D BLAME ME IF THEY MISSED THEIR CHANCE,

OR LIKE I WAS TRYING TO PROTECT JOE, AND THAT WOULD MAKE ME A PROBLEM.

STACY HAD JUST GOTTEN PREGNANT AT THE TIME, AND I WAS JUST FROZEN BY FEAR.

AND, JOE, HE JUST SMILED AT ME,

AND THE WHOLE FAMILY FILED OUT FOR LUNCH.

IT'S ABOUT TWO MINUTES LATER, AND WE'RE SITTING IN THE OFFICE, TALKING.

I ACTUALLY HEARD THE GUNFIRE. [GUNSHOTS ECHOING]

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?

I RAN DOWN, AND THERE THEY WERE!

AND YEAH, I WAS SCARED. I WAS SCARED THAT SOMEONE--

THE COPS, THE MOB GUYS, SOMEBODY CLOSE TO JOE'S FAMILY.

SOMEBODY WAS GOING TO CALL ME INTO QUESTION,

AND I JUST COULDN'T RISK THAT.

AND THAT'S THE TRUTH.

RIGHT. AND YOU NEVER WENT BACK?

I THOUGHT ABOUT IT, I MEAN, LIKE A MILLION TIMES,

BUT THEN WE CAME OUT HERE. WE HAD MIKE.

AND THEN I GOT ALL THAT WORK, THANKS TO YOU,

PRODUCING ALL THOSE LOCAL COMMERCIALS.

AND THEN WE GOT THE HOUSE...

AND WHEN EVERYTHING STARTED TO SLOW DOWN,

BELIEVE ME, I THOUGHT ABOUT GOING BACK,

BUT IT WAS ALREADY TOO LATE, MAN.

WHO'S GONNA REMEMBER ME? AND LOOK AT ALL THE WEIGHT I PUT ON.

WHAT WAS I GONNA DO? I COULDN'T HIT THE AUDITION TRAIL LOOKING LIKE THIS.

CHASING ALL THE OLD JOHN CANDY AND CHRIS FARLEY ROLES?

OH, COME ON. YOU'RE NOT NEARLY AS FUNNY

AS JOHN CANDY AND CHRIS FARLEY.

WELL, I'M NOT AS FAT EITHER.

NO, YOU'RE NOT. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK?

WHAT?

I THINK THAT THAT'S A LOAD OF SHIT!

IT'S THE TRUTH.

I KNOW IT IS! BUT IT'S STILL A LOAD OF SHIT.

KID, YOU CAN'T LIVE ALL YOUR LIFE A LOSER

JUST BECAUSE OF TEN MINUTES OF DIRTY ACTION BACK IN THE 90s!

THAT SHIT IS HISTORY NOW. FORGET IT.

AND DO WHAT YOU WANT WITH YOUR LIFE.

YOU GOT NO EXCUSES ANYMORE.

NO EXCUSES, JERRY? I'M FINISHED.

THERE'S NO PLACE LOWER THAN WHERE I AM NOW.

SO WHAT DO YOU GOT TO LOSE? LISTEN, PUTZ.

NOBODY GIVES A SHIT ABOUT ACT ONE.

PEOPLE WALK OUT REMEMBERING THE END.

THEY REMEMBER THE ENCORE. IF YOU'RE LUCKY ENOUGH TO BE ASKED FOR AN ENCORE.

THAT'S YOUR CHANCE:

TO SEND THEM OUT COMPLETELY ELATED.

SO HERE IT IS.

I'M TELLING YOU,

THERE'S NOT A REAL PERFORMER ON THE PLANET

THAT CAN IGNORE THIS CALL.

COME ON. LET'S GO.

WHERE?

COME ON! COME ON, LET'S GO.

JERRY, I CAN'T. I WAS COMPLETELY FUCKED TODAY.

I CAN'T GO ANYWHERE. I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

WAIT A MINUTE. DID I JUST HAVE A STROKE?

DID I BLOW OUT MY SHORT-TERM MEMORY?

I THOUGHT I WAS TALKING TO TONY DURAN, WHO OWES ME A COUPLE THOUSAND DOLLARS.

WAIT A SEC-- I GOT 200 OFF FOR TELLING THE TRUTH!

OKAY, 19 HUNDRED. OKAY?

I'LL CREDIT YOU ANOTHER HUNDRED IF YOU DO THIS. COME ON.

[CHATTERING]

♪♪ ["PRETTY BABY", DIXIELAND STYLE]

[WHISPERING] THAT'S TEDDY JEFFERSON.

HE PLAYED THE HORN WITH ELLINGTON AND SINATRA.

AND STILL DID FILM SCORES UNTIL HE HAD A STROKE THREE YEARS AGO.

AND THERE'S DOLLY HINES.

IN HER DAY, SHE WAS A TRIPLE THREAT,

ACTRESS/SINGER/DANCER.

AND THE MOST INCREDIBLE CONTORTIONIST YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

THERE'S SALLY ROSE!

OH MAN, CAN SHE PLAY,

AND ARRANGE, AND WRITE-- THE WHOLE PACKAGE.

THIS ROOM REEKS OF AUTHENTIC TALENT.

IS THAT WHAT THAT IS?

HEY, YOU'RE IN NO POSITION TO BE FLIPPANT. SHOW SOME RESPECT.

OKAY, SORRY.

HEY, EVERYBODY, HI!

[ALL TOGETHER] HELLO, JERRY!

LISTEN, SORRY FOR THE INTRUSION, BUT I HAVE SOMETHING SPECIAL FOR YOU.

SOMETHING WE WANT TO SHARE WITH YOU. SALLY?

COME HERE. TONY, GET OVER HERE.

WILL YOU PLAY FOR US? PLEASE. OH, COME ON, SALLY.

YEAH, SHE WILL!KATIE, BRING YOUR GRANDMA UP HERE.

SALLY, YOU'RE GOING TO PLAY FOR US.

YEAH! WHOO!

OKAY!

OKAY. OKAY, COME ON.

NO, JERRY, I'M JUST--NO, NO. JUST SIT OVER THERE.

COME ON, JERRY--

[SALLY] WHAT'S THE NUMBER?

"THE CURTAIN FALLS."

HE HAD TO PICK THAT SONG.

JUST LET ME, LIKE, TAKE A LOOK AT IT FOR A MINUTE, PLEASE? NOT THAT EASY.

DARIN USED TO SING IT AS HIS EVENING'S FAREWELL,

USUALLY HIS SECOND ENCORE, AND IT WAS A KILLER.

DARIN COULD COUNT ON BEING CALLED FOR TWO ENCORES.

NO, JERRY, THAT'S LIKE--IT'S A GREAT ONE!

[WHISPERING] SING THE SONG, PISHER, AND THE CRESCENDO.

AND YOU BETTER NOT SUCK,

OR I'M NOT CREDITING YOU THE HUNDRED!

HE'D SAVE THIS SONG, KNOWING HE'D ALREADY KILLED 'EM,

AND THAT CHANT WOULD COME AGAIN: "ENCORE, ENCORE."

AFTER ALL THE SHIT I'D BEEN THROUGH THAT DAY,

AND HAVING JUST PUKED MY GUTS OUT,

I JUST COULDN'T GET PROOF THAT MY VOICE WAS SHOT TOO--

GO AHEAD, SAL.

AND THAT EVEN MY UNREALIZABLE DREAMS WERE JUST A LOAD OF CRAP!

I JUST COULDN'T.

♪ OFF COMES THE MAKE-UP

♪ OFF COMES THE CLOWN'S DISGUISE ♪

♪ THE CURTAIN'S FALLIN'

♪ THE MUSIC SOFTLY DIES

♪ BUT I HOPE YOU'RE SMILIN' ♪

♪ AS YOU'RE FILIN' OUT THE DOOR ♪

♪ AS THEY SAY IN THIS BIZ ♪

♪ THAT'S ALL THERE IS

♪ THERE ISN'T ANY MORE

♪ WE'VE SHARED A MOMENT

♪ AND AS THE MOMENT ENDS

♪ I GOT A FUNNY FEELIN'

♪ WE'RE PARTING NOW AS FRIENDS ♪

♪ YOUR TEARS AND LAUGHTER ♪

♪ WILL LINGER UNTIL

♪ THEY'VE TORN DOWN

♪ THESE DUSTY WALLS

♪ IF I HAD THIS TO DO AGAIN ♪

♪ AND THE EVENING WAS NEW AGAIN ♪

♪ I WOULD SPEND IT WITH YOU AGAIN ♪

♪ BUT NOW THE CURTAIN FALLS ♪

♪ YOUR TEARS AND LAUGHTER

♪ WILL LINGER AFTER

♪ THEY'VE

♪ TORN DOWN THESE

♪ DUSTY WALLS

♪ IF I HAD THIS TO DO AGAIN ♪

♪ AND THE EVENING WAS NEW AGAIN-- ♪

[LADIES] AWW... [APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

SO THAT'S HOW THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE BECAME THE BEST.

IN THE SECONDS BEFORE I OPENED MY MOUTH TO SING,

I WAS AS RUINED AS A MAN COULD BE.

BUT AS I STARTED SINGING, THERE WAS THIS DARK REALIZATION

OF THE PAIN THAT I'D BEEN CARRYING AROUND,

BURIED IN MY LAYERS OF FAT.

THAT SONG SAVED ME, BUT THAT WAS ONLY THE FIRST STEP.

I HAD SUNK SO LOW, I WAS STILL IN SUCH DEEP SHIT,

THAT I KNEW IT WOULD BE A LONG ROAD BACK

TO WHERE I WAS WORTHY OF BEING IN THE COMPANY OF GOOD PEOPLE.

LEAH! LEAH! WAIT!

HEY. TONY. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

HEY. YOU GOT A MINUTE?

SURE. IS SOMETHING WRONG?

NO! SOMETHING'S RIGHT!

IT'S GETTING LATE, AND IT'S BEEN A REALLY LONG DAY...

I'VE BEEN A GHOST.

I'VE BEEN A GHOST SINCE YOU'VE KNOWN ME.

YOU REALLY DON'T KNOW ME AT ALL.

AND I'VE WANTED TO SAY HELLO TO YOU FOR A LONG TIME,

BUT SEE I--

THINGS HAVEN'T BEEN VERY GOOD, AND I JUST HAVEN'T FELT

FINANCIALLY QUALIFIED TO ASK YOU OUT.

I DON'T REALLY HAVE A LIST OF QUALIFICATIONS.

YEAH, BUT YOU SHOULD. YOU'RE A GOOD GIRL, Y'KNOW, AND YOU DESERVE THE BEST.

SEE, LIKE RIGHT NOW, SAY YOU AND I WERE GONNA GO OUT AND HAVE A LATTE?

YOU'D HAVE TO BUY BOTH LATTES.

HUH?

'CAUSE I'M COMPLETELY BUSTED.

SOMETHING HAPPENED?

YEAH. I'M COMPLETELY RUINED.

I MEAN, I'VE NEVER BEEN LOWER.

BUT JERRY. JERRY SHOWED ME A WAY OUT.

SOMETHING ABOUT THE ENCORE. THEY NEVER FORGET THE ENCORE.

SEE, I OWE HIM SOME MONEY, SO HE'S GONNA LET ME WORK IT OFF.

I GET 400 OFF IF I LOSE 40 POUNDS.

AND ANOTHER 300 OFF IF I STOP DRINKING FOR 3 MONTHS.

[STUTTERING] A-AND THAT ALSO INVOLVES

BEING HONEST FOR 3 MONTHS, WHICH ISN'T GONNA BE EASY,

'CAUSE THERE'S ALCOHOL INVOLVED.

AND THEN I GET ANOTHER 200 DOLLARS OFF IF I STOP COLORING MY HAIR.

AND THEN I GET FORGIVEN THE WHOLE LOAN,

IF I PLAY THE DESERT ASSISTED-LIVING CHARITY EVENT

HE DOES EVERY YEAR AT THE RIVIERA.

AND THE ONLY REASON ABOUT THE COLORING MY HAIR IS

'CAUSE WE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT COLOR IT IS.

I'VE BEEN DOING IT FOR LIKE TEN YEARS.

SO WHETHER IT'S GONNA BE BROWN, OR WHITE, OR--

THE ONLY THING IS, I DIDN'T WANT IT

TO COME IN THAT BATTLESHIP GRAY THAT SOME OLD DUDES GET.

I JUST DON'T LIKE THAT.OKAY, SO. YOUR HAIR IS WHITE,

YOU'RE FAT, YOU'RE IN DEBT TO JERRY, YOU'RE BROKE,

AND UNTIL RECENTLY,

YOU'VE HAD A SERIOUS PROBLEM OF DRINKING AND LYING ABOUT IT.

ALL IN THE INTEREST OF FULL DISCLOSURE.

- IS THAT EVERYTHING? - [LAUGHS] ISN'T THAT ENOUGH?

YES. SO WHAT'RE YOU TRYING TO SAY?

WELL, I'M JUST WONDERING.

DO YOU THINK I COULD... YOU KNOW, I MEAN,

MAYBE USE YOU AS MY MOTIVATION TO GET THROUGH ALL THIS?

BECAUSE I KNOW THE NEXT FEW MONTHS ARE GONNA BE BRUTAL.

I'M GOING TO BE YOUR MOTIVATION TO LOSE 40 POUNDS?

AW, AND TO SING. AND TO CLEAN UP MY ACT AND TO GET MY LIFE TOGETHER.

SO I'D BE KINDA LIKE... YOUR MUSE?

YEAH.

OKAY. KNOCK YOURSELF OUT.

THAT'S GOOD, THANKS.

GOOD NIGHT, TONY.

GOOD NIGHT, LEAH.

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

[LIGHT SWITCH CLICKS]

AW, DAMN IT.

[TONY FEELING HIS WAY]

[THINKING] "TONY! TONY! T! WHAT'S THE NEWS, MAN?"

"I PAY YOU RENT, AND I DON'T EVEN SLEEP THERE ANYMORE."

"TWO DAYS, TO TURN TWO GRAND INTO SIX?"

"HE'LL COME OUT HERE WITH A BOX CUTTER

AND CARVE YOUR FUCKING FACE UP INTO A DOILY."

"I'M TALKING ABOUT IN YOUR LIFE-- WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO YOU?"

"I'M FUCKIN' OUTTA HERE, OKAY, I'M FUCKIN' OUTTA HERE. DO NOT FUCKIN' TOUCH ME!"

IT WAS THE DAWN OF A NEW DAY FOR TONY DURAN.

DOESN'T THE PREACHER SAY, "REJECT SATAN AND ALL HIS WORKS"?

FIFTY YEARS AGO, A PRIEST BACK HOME IN PITTSBURGH SAID THAT

WITH HIS HANDS ON ME,

BUT HE MUST'VE BEEN MUMBLING, OR TALKING IN LATIN,

BECAUSE UP TILL THAT MOMENT, I NEVER REALLY HEARD THE MESSAGE.

AHHHHH! [LAUGHS]

[SIGHING]

IT WAS TIME TO SHAKE OFF THE DUST OF THE PAST.

I HAD TO STAKE EVERYTHING I WAS--

EVERYTHING THAT I WOULD EVER BE--

ON A NEW FUTURE, A LIFE IN WHICH I'D NEVER AGAIN

LIVE LIKE THAT DAY BEFORE. NEVER AGAIN.

A FEW DAYS LATER, I FINALLY GOT THE SETTLEMENT MONEY

I'D BEEN WAITING FOR ALL YEAR.

WITH THE PRINCIPAL AND THE INTEREST AND PENALTIES FOR BAD FAITH

THAT THE ARBITRATOR HAD AWARDED ME.

THE THING IS, I REALIZE I WAS A BULLSHITTER,

BUT MY BULLSHIT WAS ALWAYS FRAMED WITHIN THE CONTEXT OF TRUTH.

A TRUTH THAT WOULD BE TRUE IF EVERYTHING WORKED OUT...

EXACTLY AS I HAD ORIGINALLY PLANNED.

HEY, EDDIE. WHICH IT NEVER DID BEFORE.

BUT HERE, FOR THE FIRST TIME-- WHAT?

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED. HUH?

WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, MAN.

I OWN PROPERTIES ALL OVER THIS VALLEY.

AND THE PEOPLE WHO LIVE THERE, THEY PAY ME RENT,

THEY PAY ME MY MONEY,

AND THAT'S WHERE I'LL GO FIX A SQUEAKY FRIGGIN' DOOR

OR A LEAKY FRIGGIN' FAUCET-- BUT I DON'T WANT TO HEAR A PEEP OUT OF YOU.

HEY, EDDIE. EDDIE! THIS IS FOR YOU.

WHAT IS THIS? IS THIS A CHECK? IS THAT WHAT THAT IS? OH YEAH?

BING! BING! BING! IS THAT WHAT THAT IS?

BOUNCE UP, POKE ME IN THE EYE? HUH?--

PEOPLE RUN SCREAMING DOWN THE STREET,

"GET THE KIDS INSIDE, TONY'S CHECK IS BOUNCING!"

HEY, EDDIE, WHY DON'T YOU CHECK IT OUT. IT'S A CASHIER'S CHECK.

YOU MEAN, THIS IS GOOD?

YEAH, IT'S GOOD, MAN.

YOU ALREADY PUT IN FOR NEXT MONTH.

[SOBBING] OH MY GOD!

OH, MY GOD! TONY, I'M SO SORRY!

I DIDN'T WANT TO BE THAT GUY, WHO BOOTS A FAMILY INTO THE STREET OVER FRIGGIN' MONEY!

BUT YOU DIDN'T!

AW. TONY, THANKS, BUDDY!YOU GOT IT, MAN!

OH, OOOOOOH.

HEY! EDDIE!HEY, LOOK AT YOU,

YOU GOT BUNS OF STEEL. YOU'RE PUDGY BUT YOU'RE HOT.

OH, OH MAN!

YOU KNOW WHERE I'M GOING. YES.

YOU KNOW WHERE I'M GOING.I KNOW WHERE YOU'RE GOING.

I'M NOT EVEN GONNA DRIVE. I'M GONNA SKIP THERE!

I'M GONNA SKIP DOWN THE FUCKIN' STREET

TO THAT MASSAGE PARLOR RIGHT NOW.

I'M-- YOU WANNA COME WITH?

I CAN'T, EDDIE. NO, COME ON!

I GOTTA GO TAKE CARE OF STUFF.I'M GOIN' RIGHT NOW!

SKIP ALONG!

I HAVEN'T SKIPPED SINCE I'M SIX YEARS OLD, I'M SKIPPING!

HERE I GO!

EDDIE GOT PAID THE BACK RENT. TOOK HIMSELF FOR A THAI MASSAGE WITH HAPPY END.

THANKS, EDDIE!OH, BABY!

AND I COULD AFFORD TO PUT MYSELF THROUGH THE BIG TRANSFORMATION.

I WENT THROUGH THE WHOLE EMOTIONAL RENAISSANCE DEAL,

BUT I STILL DIDN'T HAVE THE COURAGE TO TALK TO MY SON.

[MAN] HEY, MICHAEL LEAVE US?

YO! JUST TAKING A LUNCH!

MIKE HAD HEARD IT ALL BEFORE. HE WATCHED ME QUIT SMOKING AND DRINKING ABOUT 50 TIMES EACH.

SO MY TURNING OVER A NEW LEAF, TO HIM, WAS MORE LIKE RAKING THE YARD.

MM, THERE HE IS, FIVE POUNDS LIGHTER ALREADY.

HI, JERRY.

WHAT'S THAT?THAT IS YOUR MONEY.

WITH THE VIG.

LOOK AT THAT! YEAH.

IS IT OKAY WITH YOU?ARE YOU KIDDING?

NOW, ALL I NEED'S A CIGARETTE AND A DROP CLOTH.

YOU KNOW, I COULDN'T BE HAPPIER THAT I COULD DO THAT.

YOU DON'T KNOW HOW GOOD IT MAKES ME FEEL,

AFTER ALL YOU'VE DONE WITH ME, THAT I COULD PAY YOU BACK.

DON'T BE STUPID.

I CAN STILL COUNT ON YOU FOR THE BENEFIT, THOUGH, RIGHT?

YEAH, OF COURSE YOU CAN. LOOK--

I DECIDED I WOULD GO THROUGH WITH THE PERFORMANCE ANYWAY.

I HAD TO. JERRY WORKED THE EVENT EVERY YEAR.

AND IT WAS LIKE THE ONLY WORK HE EVEN DID ANYMORE.

HE TOOK THE SHOW TO HEART.

ALL RIGHT? AND WE WILL. WE'LL BLOW THE DOORS OFF THAT PLACE.

YOU BETTER. 'CAUSE IT'S 500 DOLLARS A COUPLE, MINIMUM DONATION.

FOR A GLASS OF CHAMPAGNE, SOME CHICKEN AND A ONE-HOUR SET.

I'LL DO SOME STANDUP, AND ESTEBAN'S COMING TO PLAY.

THE GUY THAT SELLS GUITARS ON TV?

HE'S JUST ONE OF THE GREATEST GUITARISTS IN THE WORLD.

HE'S A FRIEND OF MINE.ALL RIGHT. COOL.

YOU'RE GONNA CLOSE. IT'LL BE A GREAT SHOW. WE'RE GONNA KILL!

FOR ME, IT WAS A BIG ROOM, NOT THE BIG ROOM AT A VEGAS CASINO,

BUT THEY FIGURED THERE'D BE ALMOST 500 PEOPLE IN THE HOUSE.

NOBODY HAD PUT THAT MUCH FAITH IN ME IN 20 YEARS.

YOU FEELING OKAY, KID?YEAH.

[DEEP, NERVOUS BREATH]

I'M A LITTLE SHAKY, YOU KNOW, IT'S SIX DAYS WITH NO BOOZE.

I NEVER KNEW WHAT WAS IN IT FOR JERRY. HE HELPED ME JUST BECAUSE WE WERE FRIENDS.

GOOD MORNING. I WOULDN'T LET HIM DOWN.

GOOD MORNING.MENU?

YEAH, THANKS.

I SUPPOSE I COULD HAVE ASKED LEAH OUT RIGHT AWAY.

BUT THERE WAS SOMETHING REALLY HOT ABOUT TAKING OUR TIME.

I GUESS I SHOULD EAT LIGHT.

DID YOU SEE, WE HAVE A LO-CAL LIST? LOW CARBS. LOW FAT.

YEAH. I NOTICED.

VEGGIE EGG WHITE OMELET? HMM? OKAY.

SHE WAS A REALLY GOOD MUSE.

NEEDLESS TO SAY, I WAS MOTIVATED.

SHE MOTIVATED THE HELL OUT OF ME!

♪♪ [RANCHERO SONG ON RADIO]

UH, SORRY SIR, I SAW THE LIGHT.

CAN I BE OF ANY HELP?

NO. THANKS. I'M JUST CHECKING OUT YOUR SPACE.

I'M SCHEDULED TO PERFORM HERE IN A COUPLE OF MONTHS.

HEY, GOOD FOR YOU. YOU KNOW, IN MY DAY,

EVERYONE WHO WAS ANYONE

PLAYED THE RIVIERA PALM SPRINGS:

SINATRA, SONNY & CHER, ELVIS. EVERYONE.

THAT STAGE IS LEGENDARY.

YEAH, I KNOW. BUT I'M NOT ANYBODY.

COME ON. EVERYBODY'S SOMEBODY.

WOULD YOU TURN OUT THE LIGHT WHEN YOU LEAVE, PLEASE?

THANK YOU, SIR.

IT'S A NICE NOTE. IT'S KIND OF SAD.

UM, YEAH.

♪♪ [HUMMING]

WOW.

HE'S TRYING.

UMM-HMM. YEAH. YEAH, HE'S REALLY GOOD AT SAYING SORRY AFTERWARDS.

[SIGHS] MAN, I'M SORRY.

WILL YOU SEE HIM?

I-- NO.

DINNER IN 15, OKAY?

OKAY. OKAY.

I FELT LIKE 10 MILES OF DIRT ROAD.

THIS WAS GOING TO BE A LOT OF WORK.

AFTER A COUPLE OF WEEKS, I'D CAUGHT UP ON ALL MY ACCOUNTS,

AND PEOPLE WERE BACK TO TREATING ME LIKE A REGULAR GUY.

BUT IT KINDA DEPRESSED ME--

EVERYBODY HAD TREATED ME LIKE A PARIAH,

JUST BECAUSE I WENT THROUGH A ROUGH PATCH.

I PAID MY DEBTS AND I DROPPED OUT OF SIGHT.

I DIDN'T EVEN GO SEE LEAH AFTER THE FIRST MONTH.

I KNOW THAT WAS BAD, BECAUSE WE WERE FLIRTING PRETTY HEAVILY,

AND I'M SURE I HURT HER FEELINGS.

I DIDN'T WANT ANYONE TO SEE ME ON MY WAY TO 40 POUNDS OFF.

I WANTED TO REAPPEAR WHEN IT WAS ALL DONE,

AND LET PEOPLE DEAL WITH THEIR DISBELIEF.

I WAS TIRED OF HIDING FROM EVERYTHING.

I WAS BROKE, BUT SO WHAT? DID THAT MAKE ME A BAD PERSON?

I HAD TOO MUCH SHAME WRAPPED UP IN MY SITUATION.

I SPENT ALL MY TIME JUDGING MYSELF,

AND COMPARING MY LIFE TO OTHER PEOPLE'S.

LIFE ISN'T A CONTEST.

IT'S NOT ABOUT WHO DIES WITH THE MOST MONEY.

IT'S ABOUT LEARNING TO SING AGAIN,

AND GETTING A GIRL TO FALL FOR YOU.

AND IF LIFE IS NOT A CONTEST, THEN NONE OF US ARE LOSERS!

HI, JERRY. HI, SUGAR.

I GOT SOMETHING FOR YOU.

YEAH? WHAT'S THIS?YOUR TICKET TO THE SHOW.

I'M NOT GOING.WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

PLEASE DON'T GO THERE.

I'M SUCH AN IDIOT TO THINK THAT HE WAS ANY DIFFERENT.

WAIT. WAIT A SECOND. WAIT, PLEASE.

COME HERE, SIT DOWN.

COME ON, JUST SIT DOWN. DON'T BE LIKE THAT.

I'M EITHER THE WORLD'S WORST JUDGE OF CHARACTER,

OR I'M JUST NEVER GOING TO BE... SPECIAL ENOUGH?

I THOUGHT HE WAS SERIOUS.

HE IS SERIOUS! NO.

IT'S BECAUSE HE'S SO SERIOUS ABOUT YOU THAT HE DROPPED OUT.

LOOK.

WHAT IS IT?WELL, IT'S A BEAUTIFUL, SLINKY COCKTAIL DRESS.

YOU'LL LOOK FANTASTIC.

HE GOT THIS?

WE WENT SHOPPING TOGETHER. I PICKED IT OUT--

HE-HE NEEDED SOMEONE TO HELP HIM WHO HAD

A MODICUM OF CULTURE AND REFINEMENT,

WHICH FOR ME OF COURSE IS A GROSS UNDERSTATEMENT,

BUT TH-THE GARMENT HE WAS GONNA BUY YOU

WOULD HAVE MADE YOU LOOK LIKE A FERAL CAT'S HAIRBALL.

HONESTLY, IT LOOKED LIKE THE UPHOLSTERY OF A FORGOTTEN COUCH

IN THE BASEMENT OF A SLEAZY HOTEL.

THERE YOU GO. C'MON. COME TO THE SHOW.

HE'S FOR REAL. AND IF HE'S NOT, I AM!

THAT'S ALL UNCLE JERRY GETS?

IF YOU WANT, YOU CAN FIX THE AZTEC BEAST, 'CAUSE I'M NOT TOUCH--

MIKE! MIKE!

HEY! HEY.

HOW ARE YOU DOIN', MR. BRAILL?

LISTEN, PISHER. YOU'RE 19. YOU'RE A MAN NOW. CALL ME JERRY!

OKAY.

SO. YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR FATHER HAS BEEN DOING?

YEAH. I DO KNOW ABOUT IT.

WELL, I WANT TO SAY THIS IN A WAY THAT YOU KNOW IT'S NOT BULLSHIT.

HE'S WORKING VERY HARD. I CAN ATTEST TO THAT.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I-IT REALLY DOESN'T MATTER

THAT HE'S WORKING HARD, BECAUSE HE ALWAYS WORKS HARD.

YOU KNOW? AND IT'S-- AND IT'S GOOD. IT'S REALLY GOOD

FOR A LITTLE BIT, BUT THEN HE GOES BACK

AND HE DOES THE SAME SHIT OVER AGAIN.

I THINK YOU'RE GONNA BE SURPRISED.

I DON'T-- I DON'T THINK IT'S POSSIBLE, YOU KNOW?.

I MEAN, I'VE SEEN HIM DO JUST-- A BUNCH OF CRAZY, DESPERATE, INSANE SHIT.

HONESTLY, I THINK YOU'RE GONNA BE SURPRISED,

IF FOR NOTHING ELSE THAN THAT YOU'RE NOT GOING TO RECOGNIZE HIM.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

AM I TALKING A FOREIGN LANGUAGE?

I'M TELLING YOU, YOU WON'T KNOW THIS MAN.

HE'S SO COMPLETELY CHANGED THAT HE'S NOT LIKE THE MAN HE WAS

THE LAST TIME YOU SAW HIM.

AND THAT'S ALL TO HIS CREDIT, FOR HOWEVER LONG IT LASTS.

YEAH.COME ON, MIKE.

HERE'S A COUPLE OF SEATS FOR THE SHOW. IT'S TOMORROW NIGHT.

YOUR DAD ASKED ME SPECIFICALLY TO TELL YOU TO BRING YOUR GIRL.

HE "ASKED SPECIFICALLY"? YEAH!

HE SENT ME TWO TICKETS IN THE MAIL LAST WEEK.

HE HAS NO IDEA THAT YOU'RE TALKING TO ME, DOES HE?

NO. JESUS CHRIST!

YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE JUST AS BAD AS HE IS, JERRY!

WHAT IS WITH YOU OLD GUYS AND LYING?

I-IT'S LYING? WHAT? TO GET YOU TO SEE YOUR FATHER ON THE STAGE?

THAT'S JUST A WHITE LIE.

I DUNNO. MAYBE IT IS.

A-A-AND LYING TO OURSELVES

IS JUST SOMETHING OLDER GUYS DO TO SURVIVE.

IT'S A REFLEX FROM DEALING WITH WOMEN AND OTHER SUNDRY PROBLEMS.

LIVING A DELUSION, SON, IS SOMETHING THAT SOMETIMES-- IT'S ALL WE HAVE.

BUT YOUR DAD'S TRYING TO DO SOMETHING BETTER, SOMETHING AUTHENTIC.

COME TO THE SHOW.

ANYWAY, YOU GOT THE TICKETS, AND--

NOW, WAIT A SECOND; YOU ALREADY HAVE TWO TICKETS.

I'M TAKING THESE BACK. THESE ARE EXPENSIVE.

YEAH, WELL. THANKS FOR COMING, JERRY. APPRECIATE IT.

WELL, I'M WANNA SEE YOU TOMORROW NIGHT.

OKAY, I'LL SEE WHAT I CAN DO.

THANKS.

♪♪ [GUITAR INSTRUMENTAL]

OKAY, SO IT'S-- IT'S, LIKE, NOT ENOUGH THAT I'M SITTING HERE?

ACTUALLY, NO. GET OVER YOURSELF.

"GET OVER MYSELF"? IT'S REALLY CORNY.

IT'S NOT CORNY! GET BACK THERE.

WE DIDN'T EVEN BRING HIM FLOWERS.

YEAH. FLOWERS.

YEAH. YEAH, FLOWERS. IT'S WHAT PEOPLE DO!

MM-HMM.

OKAY. SO, I'M SENSING THAT I'M NOT GONNA--

I'M NOT GONNA TO WIN THIS ONE HERE? NO.

FINE. I'LL GO BACK! OKAY?

WHOA, HEY HEY HEY-- CAN I HELP YOU?

UH, YEAH, UH-- HELLO?

I'M LOOKING FOR SOMEONE HERE.

WHO'RE YOU LOOKING FOR?

FOR... TONY DURAN?

I CAN'T LET ANYBODY BACK HERE, KID. I'M SORRY.

OH! OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'S REALLY--

IT'S REALLY NOT THAT IMPORTANT. I'M HIS SON, SO--

WHOA, WHOA. HEY! TONY'S YOUR DAD?

YEAH. I KNOW WHERE HE IS. COME ON! FOLLOW ME, MAN.

YOU? COME ON! HURRY UP! WE DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME!

NICE TO MEET YOU.YEAH! YOU TOO.

HAVE FUN. YEAH!

[MUTTERS]

COME ON IN.

JESUS, DAD.

YOU LOOK REALLY GOOD.

WHAT? SURPRISED?

I'M-- I'M REAL HAPPY.

I'M REALLY SORRY, DAD. HEY.

NO, I AM, I AM.

DON'T GET ME ALL MISTY, HUH?

I GOT A SHOW TO DO.

OKAY, WELL, I'LL SEE YOU-- I'LL SEE YOU OUT THERE.

OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

- BYE. - HANG ONTO YOUR HAT!

[JERRY] ESTEBAN! ESTEBAN, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

AND YOU KNOW THE APPLAUSE TONIGHT? THAT'S YOUR APPLAUSE.

WE'RE HERE TO HONOR YOU TONIGHT.

THAT'S RIGHT. TONIGHT, WE HAVE RAISED

OVER A QUARTER OF A MILLION DOLLARS...

[APPLAUSE]TO HELP THE PEOPLE WHO HELP ALL OF US--

HOW GREAT IS THAT?

BECAUSE SOONER OR LATER, IF WE LIVE LONG ENOUGH,

WE'RE ALL GONNA NEED THESE SERVICES,

FOR OURSELVES, AND FOR OUR LOVED ONES.

THESE PEOPLE PROVIDE COMPASSION AND CARE

FOR OUR ELDERLY FRIENDS AND FAMILY.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT I'M JUST THRILLED TO BE ABLE TO HELP OUT.

OH, I TELL YOU, IT'S A BEAUTIFUL THING TO BE HERE TONIGHT FOR ALL OF YOU.

THANK YOU FOR COMING. YOU MAKE TONIGHT VERY SPECIAL.

INDEED, INDEED YOU DO.

SEYMOUR! SEYMOUR, WAKE UP! SEYMOUR...

SEYMOUR, I'M ON STAGE. I'M WORKING HERE!

IT'S MY FRIEND SEYMOUR.

THIS GUY IS THE ULTIMATE PARTY ANIMAL ON THE PLANET.

SEYMOUR, I HATE TO GET YOU UP, BUT, SPEAKING OF "UP," SEYMOUR,

DO YOU HAVE ANY MORE OF THOSE TRAPEZOIDAL BLUE PILLS?

THEY'RE NOT MINTS, YOU KNOW.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, LAST NIGHT THE SENIOR CENTER

WAS ROBBED OF ITS ENTIRE SUPPLY OF THOSE PILLS.

WELL, WHAT IN THE WORLD HAPPENED?

THEY'RE LOOKING FOR TWO HARDENED CRIMINALS.

[BIG LAUGH]

THANK YOU, ESTEBAN. YOU'RE THE GREATEST.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU EVERYBODY. AND ROCK ON! ROCK ON!

ESTEBAN!

[JERRY] HIT IT, TED.

♪♪ [BOUNCY]

TEDDY HERMAN AND HIS FABULOUS ORCHESTRA!

YOU FEEL THAT?

SO WITHOUT ANY FURTHER ADO,

HERE'S A GUY THAT I AM PROUD TO CALL MY FRIEND.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE WELCOME:

MISTER TONY DURAN!

GO GET 'EM, BABY.

THANKS, JERRY.

THIS IS A SONG I SANG A LONG TIME AGO.

AND I WASN'T REALLY SURE I'D EVER SING IT AGAIN.

SO LET THIS BE A LESSON TO YOU:

EVEN A HAS-BEEN,

WHO NEVER REALLY WAS,

CAN COME BACK.

I KNOW IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME, BUT...

I THINK IT'S STARTING TO COME BACK TO ME.

♪ OH, THE SHARK, BABE

♪ HAS SUCH TEETH, DEAR

♪ AND HE SHOWS THEM PEARLY-WHITE ♪

♪ JUST A JACKKNIFE HAS OLD MACHEATH, BABE ♪

♪ AND HE KEEPS IT AH... OUT OF SIGHT ♪

♪ YOU KNOW WHEN THAT SHARK BITES ♪

♪ WITH HIS TEETH, DEAR

♪ SCARLET BILLOWS START TO SPREAD ♪

♪ FANCY GLOVES, THOUGH, WEARS OLD MACHEATH, BABE ♪

♪ SO THERE'S NEVER, NEVER A TRACE OF RED ♪

♪ NOW ON A SIDEWALK, OOH, SUNNY MORNING, UH-HUH ♪

♪ LIES A BODY JUST OOZIN' LIFE ♪

♪ EEK, AND SOMEONE'S SNEAKIN' 'ROUND THE CORNER ♪

♪ COULD THAT SOMEONE BE MACK THE KNIFE? ♪

♪ THERE'S A TUGBOAT HA, HA-HA ♪

♪ DOWN BY THE RIVER DON'TCHA KNOW ♪

♪ WHERE A CEMENT BAG'S JUST A-DROOPIN' ON DOWN ♪

♪ OH, THAT CEMENT IS JUST

♪ IT'S THERE FOR THE WEIGHT, DEAR ♪

♪ FIVE'LL GET YA TEN OLD MACKY'S BACK IN TOWN ♪

♪ NOW D'JA HEAR 'BOUT LOUIE MILLER? ♪

♪ HE DISAPPEARED, BABE

♪ AFTER DRAWIN' OUT ALL HIS HARD-EARNED CASH ♪

♪ AND NOW MACHEATH SPENDS

♪ JUST LIKE A SAILOR

♪ COULD IT BE OUR BOY'S DONE SOMETHING RASH? ♪

♪ NOW, JENNY DIVER YEAH, SUKEY TAWDRY ♪

♪ MISS LOTTE LENYA

♪ AND OLD LUCY BROWN

♪ OH, THE LINE FORMS

♪ ON THE RIGHT, BABE

♪ NOW THAT MACKY'S

♪ BACK IN TOWN--

♪ I SAID, JENNY DIVER

♪ OLD SUKEY TAWDRY

♪ LOOK OUT FOR MISS LOTTE LENYA ♪

♪ AND OLD LUCY BROWN

♪ YEAH, THE LINE FORMS

♪ ON THE RIGHT, BABE

♪ NOW THAT MACKY...

♪ BACK IN TOWN

♪ LOOK OUT, OLD MACKY IS BACK! YEAH! ♪

[RIOTOUS APPLAUSE]

♪♪ ["I DIDN'T WANT TO DO IT"]