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1
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I know you have trouble
saying how you feel.
2
00:00:01,962 --> 00:00:03,023
I love you too.
3
00:00:03,039 --> 00:00:04,851
I've never been
that certain about anything.
4
00:00:04,888 --> 00:00:08,156
I once even tried to rent socks.
5
00:00:08,203 --> 00:00:11,639
Do you have any feelings
like that for me again now?
6
00:00:11,673 --> 00:00:13,974
I'm sorry, but I... I don't think I do.
7
00:00:14,009 --> 00:00:15,943
Thank you for helping me today.
8
00:00:15,977 --> 00:00:18,946
You really did just
come here to chat, didn't ya?
9
00:00:18,980 --> 00:00:21,582
It's just a very humany thing to do.
10
00:00:21,616 --> 00:00:23,183
I really feel like
things are starting to click
11
00:00:23,218 --> 00:00:25,085
in our little study group.
12
00:00:25,120 --> 00:00:27,488
Hm.
13
00:00:27,522 --> 00:00:29,256
Hello, Michael.
14
00:00:29,290 --> 00:00:32,526
Shut the door. Have a seat.
15
00:00:32,560 --> 00:00:35,095
When you proposed
this new form of torture,
16
00:00:35,130 --> 00:00:37,364
we all laughed behind your back.
17
00:00:37,399 --> 00:00:38,932
Some people called you names,
18
00:00:38,967 --> 00:00:41,001
like "the Thomas Edison
of incompetence,"
19
00:00:41,036 --> 00:00:42,603
or "that dick."
20
00:00:43,838 --> 00:00:45,305
But against all odds,
21
00:00:45,340 --> 00:00:46,807
it seems you've pulled it off.
22
00:00:46,841 --> 00:00:48,876
What you've done here is truly amazing.
23
00:00:48,910 --> 00:00:51,407
- Really?
- Yes, these reports are remarkable.
24
00:00:51,542 --> 00:00:53,588
Your humans are experiencing
emotional torture
25
00:00:53,636 --> 00:00:55,203
at the same level of physical torture,
26
00:00:55,252 --> 00:00:57,780
created by our squiggliest
eyeball corkscrews.
27
00:00:57,815 --> 00:01:00,133
I'm jubilant.
28
00:01:00,381 --> 00:01:02,382
As a result of our success,
29
00:01:02,422 --> 00:01:04,093
I'm getting a seat on the High Council.
30
00:01:04,142 --> 00:01:06,744
We will greatly expand
our neighborhood idea,
31
00:01:06,778 --> 00:01:09,113
and you will oversee the entire project.
32
00:01:09,147 --> 00:01:10,581
You are being promoted.
33
00:01:13,385 --> 00:01:15,919
Your Senior Staff pin. Congratulations.
34
00:01:15,954 --> 00:01:17,955
This is everything you've ever wanted.
35
00:01:17,989 --> 00:01:20,457
No, this is everything I've ever wanted.
36
00:01:20,492 --> 00:01:22,693
Oh!
37
00:01:22,727 --> 00:01:25,462
This is everything I've ever wanted.
38
00:01:25,497 --> 00:01:28,332
Oh, wow! You're really happy?
39
00:01:28,366 --> 00:01:29,933
Can't you tell?
40
00:01:29,968 --> 00:01:32,636
I'm basically squealing
like a birthday girl.
41
00:01:32,662 --> 00:01:37,508
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
42
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_
43
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At some point,
we should finish discussing
44
00:01:42,213 --> 00:01:43,781
yesterday's events.
45
00:01:43,815 --> 00:01:45,616
Do you mean us almost getting married
46
00:01:45,650 --> 00:01:47,785
and then finding out
I was married to Janet
47
00:01:47,819 --> 00:01:49,853
and then Janet making
a boyfriend to forget me
48
00:01:49,888 --> 00:01:52,556
and then Janet getting
rid of that boyfriend?
49
00:01:52,590 --> 00:01:56,293
Or do you mean
when we saw that cool cloud?
50
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The first bit.
51
00:01:57,662 --> 00:01:59,630
Perhaps later after Michael briefs us
52
00:01:59,664 --> 00:02:00,964
on how we're gonna be
fake-tortured today,
53
00:02:00,999 --> 00:02:03,400
we can just sit down and have a chat?
54
00:02:03,435 --> 00:02:06,236
Yes, good idea.
55
00:02:06,271 --> 00:02:07,805
- Yo, Chidi.
- Yeah?
56
00:02:07,839 --> 00:02:10,140
You wanna hear about a cool cloud I saw?
57
00:02:13,678 --> 00:02:15,012
Come in.
58
00:02:16,548 --> 00:02:18,982
I'd like to start by saying something
59
00:02:19,017 --> 00:02:22,319
I've wanted to say for a very long time.
60
00:02:22,353 --> 00:02:24,354
Surprise, idiots!
61
00:02:24,389 --> 00:02:26,523
You're all in the Bad Place.
62
00:02:29,627 --> 00:02:31,495
That's right, nerds.
63
00:02:31,529 --> 00:02:33,530
Everything around you, all you can see,
64
00:02:33,565 --> 00:02:36,567
is an elaborate system of torture
65
00:02:36,601 --> 00:02:38,836
designed just for you.
66
00:02:38,870 --> 00:02:42,906
Sorry, we're in the Bad Place?
67
00:02:42,941 --> 00:02:46,009
Why are you revealing this now?
68
00:02:46,044 --> 00:02:47,711
Well, it was an experiment,
and it worked,
69
00:02:47,746 --> 00:02:49,213
so my boss is promoting me.
70
00:02:49,247 --> 00:02:50,681
Sorry, I should've introduced you.
71
00:02:50,715 --> 00:02:52,449
This is my boss, Shawn.
72
00:02:52,484 --> 00:02:54,017
Hello, imbeciles.
73
00:02:54,052 --> 00:02:56,520
We need to study
everything that happened here.
74
00:02:56,554 --> 00:02:57,855
There was a first version
that collapsed,
75
00:02:57,889 --> 00:02:59,790
but the second has been a huge success.
76
00:02:59,824 --> 00:03:01,458
We'll be shutting this place down.
77
00:03:01,493 --> 00:03:03,227
The four of you will be
brought to the real Bad Pace,
78
00:03:03,261 --> 00:03:05,229
where your brains
will be removed, studied,
79
00:03:05,263 --> 00:03:07,431
and batted around a stadium
like beach balls.
80
00:03:07,465 --> 00:03:08,966
Your arms will be peeled like bananas.
81
00:03:09,000 --> 00:03:10,868
- That part's just for fun...
- Right.
82
00:03:10,902 --> 00:03:15,439
And then you will be,
you know, tortured forever.
83
00:03:15,473 --> 00:03:17,641
Michael, is this all true?
84
00:03:17,675 --> 00:03:19,777
Yes, Eleanor, it is.
85
00:03:19,811 --> 00:03:21,712
You're such a rube,
86
00:03:21,746 --> 00:03:24,081
thinking you could become
a better person.
87
00:03:24,115 --> 00:03:27,050
You got Chidi to teach you
stupid philosophy...
88
00:03:28,586 --> 00:03:31,321
Like those old farts
were gonna provide guidance.
89
00:03:31,356 --> 00:03:33,557
"Oh, Kierkegaard is so great.
90
00:03:33,591 --> 00:03:35,893
Have you read 'Fear and Trembling'?"
91
00:03:35,927 --> 00:03:39,329
Well, I don't know, have you
read "Boring and Stupid"?
92
00:03:39,364 --> 00:03:41,398
Because that's what you are.
93
00:03:41,432 --> 00:03:43,167
- Nice.
- Thank you.
94
00:03:43,201 --> 00:03:44,768
How long will it take you
to shut down the neighborhood?
95
00:03:44,803 --> 00:03:46,069
Better part of a day, I'd guess.
96
00:03:46,104 --> 00:03:47,437
In the meantime, why don't we have
97
00:03:47,472 --> 00:03:49,239
a farewell party here tonight?
98
00:03:49,274 --> 00:03:51,175
You know, just to thank
the crew for all the hard work.
99
00:03:51,209 --> 00:03:54,011
We could jam to some tunes,
you know, destroy the place,
100
00:03:54,045 --> 00:03:56,246
play beer pong with Jason's testicles.
101
00:03:56,281 --> 00:03:57,781
- What do you say, boss?
- Sure.
102
00:03:57,816 --> 00:03:59,116
By the way, I know what you're thinking.
103
00:03:59,150 --> 00:04:00,517
- "Maybe Janet can help."
- Ah.
104
00:04:00,552 --> 00:04:01,985
You're wrong. Janet?
105
00:04:02,020 --> 00:04:05,088
Oh, hi, you little cuties.
106
00:04:05,123 --> 00:04:07,324
I love you guys so much,
107
00:04:07,358 --> 00:04:10,093
except for you, Jason,
because I hate you.
108
00:04:10,128 --> 00:04:12,696
- I hate you.
- Janet, what's wrong?
109
00:04:12,730 --> 00:04:14,131
Ooh! Where's my phone?
110
00:04:14,165 --> 00:04:16,200
We put a restraining bracelet on her,
111
00:04:16,234 --> 00:04:17,601
disrupting her powers.
112
00:04:17,635 --> 00:04:19,670
It's made of mag-a-nets.
113
00:04:19,704 --> 00:04:21,104
Mag-a-nets.
114
00:04:21,139 --> 00:04:22,873
Mag-a-ne-its.
115
00:04:22,907 --> 00:04:24,942
Magnets are supposed
to make me feel drunk,
116
00:04:24,976 --> 00:04:27,544
but guess what, I feel fine.
117
00:04:29,480 --> 00:04:32,149
I can't believe
Michael betrayed us again.
118
00:04:32,183 --> 00:04:34,852
Why is it always
the ones you most expect?
119
00:04:34,886 --> 00:04:36,286
We should've seen this coming.
120
00:04:36,321 --> 00:04:38,388
No one can ever truly
turn over a new leaf.
121
00:04:38,423 --> 00:04:40,657
Sure, Ben Affleck told me
he'd matured as an artist
122
00:04:40,692 --> 00:04:41,959
after he directed "Argo,"
123
00:04:41,993 --> 00:04:44,127
but then, right on schedule, it was,
124
00:04:44,162 --> 00:04:46,363
"Guess what, Tahani,
I'm gonna be Batman."
125
00:04:46,397 --> 00:04:48,866
There's only one option.
Sean clearly doesn't know
126
00:04:48,900 --> 00:04:51,535
that Michael has rebooted
this neighborhood 800 times.
127
00:04:51,569 --> 00:04:52,970
I say we trade that information
128
00:04:53,004 --> 00:04:54,872
for some kind of reduced sentence.
129
00:04:54,906 --> 00:04:56,673
Chidi, they're monsters.
130
00:04:56,708 --> 00:04:58,208
Who's to say they won't agree to a deal,
131
00:04:58,243 --> 00:05:00,010
hear what we have to say,
and turn around
132
00:05:00,044 --> 00:05:02,412
and install us into
their horrible human zoo?
133
00:05:02,447 --> 00:05:04,314
There's no other option.
134
00:05:04,349 --> 00:05:06,083
There's no way for a human to
get that bracelet off of Janet.
135
00:05:06,117 --> 00:05:07,918
But if there were, we could get her
136
00:05:07,952 --> 00:05:09,653
to call us a train to
Mindy St. Claire's house.
137
00:05:09,687 --> 00:05:11,388
We know for a fact that
the people from the Bad Place
138
00:05:11,422 --> 00:05:13,824
can't follow us there,
and I vote for that.
139
00:05:13,858 --> 00:05:15,158
I vote we...
140
00:05:15,193 --> 00:05:17,594
No, sorry, and no offense, Jason,
141
00:05:17,629 --> 00:05:19,663
but the stakes here are
too high to let someone
142
00:05:19,697 --> 00:05:23,333
with your limited intellectual
processing capacity weigh in.
143
00:05:23,368 --> 00:05:25,202
- I was gonna agree with you.
- Oh, great,
144
00:05:25,236 --> 00:05:27,004
well, that's two votes for my plan.
145
00:05:27,038 --> 00:05:29,539
Eleanor, what do you think?
146
00:05:29,574 --> 00:05:30,908
Trade information on Michael
147
00:05:30,942 --> 00:05:33,443
or try to escape to the Medium Place?
148
00:05:33,478 --> 00:05:35,045
Neither.
149
00:05:35,079 --> 00:05:36,780
I vote we ignore everything
Michael just said
150
00:05:36,814 --> 00:05:40,217
and blindly assume
he's still on our side.
151
00:05:40,251 --> 00:05:41,318
Who's with me?
152
00:05:42,975 --> 00:05:45,375
Sorry, but when all this started,
153
00:05:45,410 --> 00:05:47,701
you're the one who told us that
Michael wasn't trustworthy.
154
00:05:47,756 --> 00:05:49,084
Now you want us to trust him?
155
00:05:49,157 --> 00:05:53,873
Yes, for one very specific
and rock-solid reason:
156
00:05:54,358 --> 00:05:56,559
- What's-his-name.
- Who?
157
00:05:56,593 --> 00:05:58,961
The dude, the super
depressing religious guy.
158
00:05:58,996 --> 00:06:01,564
The... the real buzzkill whose
name I can never remember.
159
00:06:01,598 --> 00:06:03,459
Keeblers... car.
160
00:06:03,615 --> 00:06:05,583
Kyra. Sedgwick?
161
00:06:05,617 --> 00:06:08,486
Oh, I love her. Dear friend of mine.
162
00:06:08,551 --> 00:06:09,952
Not important right now.
163
00:06:09,998 --> 00:06:12,766
- Kierkegaard?
- Yes, Kierkegaard.
164
00:06:12,801 --> 00:06:14,201
When Michael was mocking us
165
00:06:14,236 --> 00:06:15,669
about trying to become better people,
166
00:06:15,704 --> 00:06:17,471
whose name did he use, huh?
167
00:06:17,506 --> 00:06:18,939
Kierkegaard.
168
00:06:18,974 --> 00:06:21,142
I think he was sending us a message
169
00:06:21,176 --> 00:06:22,710
to take a leap of faith,
170
00:06:22,744 --> 00:06:24,612
'cause that was
Kierkegaard's thing, right?
171
00:06:24,646 --> 00:06:26,347
Yes, although it's probably
better translated
172
00:06:26,381 --> 00:06:27,781
as a leap into faith.
173
00:06:27,816 --> 00:06:29,617
It's so hard to be your friend.
174
00:06:29,651 --> 00:06:30,985
Yep, sorry.
175
00:06:31,019 --> 00:06:32,720
Michael was telling us to trust him.
176
00:06:32,754 --> 00:06:34,488
I had a long talk with him
the other night
177
00:06:34,523 --> 00:06:36,390
about the whole Derek incident.
178
00:06:36,424 --> 00:06:38,959
Dude was shook, talking about ethics
179
00:06:38,994 --> 00:06:41,629
and all spiraling about human stuff.
180
00:06:41,663 --> 00:06:43,664
I think he's on our side.
181
00:06:43,698 --> 00:06:45,566
Or maybe he's a supernatural demon
182
00:06:45,600 --> 00:06:47,001
designed to torture people,
183
00:06:47,035 --> 00:06:48,903
who just got offered his dream job,
184
00:06:48,937 --> 00:06:52,206
and has flipped on us
like a ten-stone griddle chip.
185
00:06:52,240 --> 00:06:53,807
It's a large pancake.
186
00:06:53,842 --> 00:06:56,177
Come on, people,
you can get these from context.
187
00:06:56,211 --> 00:06:58,679
Look, maybe Michael
jumped back to the dark side,
188
00:06:58,713 --> 00:07:00,915
but I don't think so.
189
00:07:00,949 --> 00:07:02,683
I think he's gonna help us escape.
190
00:07:02,717 --> 00:07:05,819
I know it sounds crazy,
but if it weren't crazy,
191
00:07:05,854 --> 00:07:08,422
they wouldn't call it a leap of faith.
192
00:07:08,456 --> 00:07:10,257
They would call it a...
193
00:07:10,292 --> 00:07:13,961
sit of doubting.
194
00:07:15,063 --> 00:07:17,598
I never thought
I'd be the one to say it,
195
00:07:17,632 --> 00:07:20,601
but this is getting out of hand.
196
00:07:20,635 --> 00:07:22,736
I think we gotta go to the cops.
197
00:07:22,771 --> 00:07:25,439
What cops? Where do you think we are?
198
00:07:27,542 --> 00:07:29,543
Before tonight's party,
I'd love to talk more about
199
00:07:29,578 --> 00:07:31,745
your strategy for torturing Tahani.
200
00:07:31,780 --> 00:07:32,880
I'm impressed you were able to make her
201
00:07:32,914 --> 00:07:34,415
fall in love with Jason.
202
00:07:34,449 --> 00:07:37,017
- She must be miserable.
- Yeah.
203
00:07:37,052 --> 00:07:40,221
Humans make a lot of mistakes
when they're horny.
204
00:07:42,757 --> 00:07:45,759
Uh, boss, give me a second here.
205
00:07:47,128 --> 00:07:48,796
- What the here, dude?
- Vicky...
206
00:07:48,830 --> 00:07:50,731
My hard work paid off for you,
207
00:07:50,765 --> 00:07:52,733
and now you're just
taking all the credit.
208
00:07:52,767 --> 00:07:55,369
Vicky, Vicky, this can
work out great for both of us
209
00:07:55,403 --> 00:07:56,971
if we play our cards right.
210
00:07:57,005 --> 00:08:00,140
Shawn thinks that this is
attempt number two, right?
211
00:08:00,175 --> 00:08:02,743
Now, if I tell him that you've
been in charge of this version,
212
00:08:02,777 --> 00:08:04,612
he's eventually gonna find out
that there've been
213
00:08:04,646 --> 00:08:06,580
hundreds of failed versions.
214
00:08:06,615 --> 00:08:08,749
Oh... right.
215
00:08:08,783 --> 00:08:11,151
And if that happens,
we're all going down.
216
00:08:11,186 --> 00:08:12,753
So, spread the word.
217
00:08:12,787 --> 00:08:15,756
No one talks about the reboots.
218
00:08:15,790 --> 00:08:18,058
Fine, but you better make this right.
219
00:08:18,093 --> 00:08:21,128
Mama want promotion, ya heard?
220
00:08:28,136 --> 00:08:32,106
Hello, you dummies!
221
00:08:32,140 --> 00:08:35,943
This neighborhood was a labor
of hate for many people here,
222
00:08:35,977 --> 00:08:38,345
so I thought that we should celebrate
223
00:08:38,380 --> 00:08:39,980
with an art form
224
00:08:40,015 --> 00:08:43,784
that we literally invented
here in the Bad Place:
225
00:08:43,818 --> 00:08:46,487
the comedy roast!
226
00:08:48,990 --> 00:08:50,791
I see Jason Mendoza's here.
227
00:08:50,825 --> 00:08:53,327
Jason might not be
the smartest guy in the world,
228
00:08:53,361 --> 00:08:56,864
but he is the dumbest guy in the world.
229
00:08:56,898 --> 00:08:59,300
Oh, Jason, buddy,
230
00:08:59,334 --> 00:09:01,669
all you had to do was to keep quiet,
231
00:09:01,703 --> 00:09:05,439
but you couldn't stop talking
about Kendall Jenner
232
00:09:05,473 --> 00:09:07,541
or that dumb quarterback...
what was his name?
233
00:09:07,575 --> 00:09:09,109
Derek Bortles?
234
00:09:09,144 --> 00:09:11,345
Always ranting about Derek Bortles.
235
00:09:11,379 --> 00:09:13,981
Lucky for you, my friend, Jaguars games
236
00:09:14,015 --> 00:09:16,483
are the only ones televised
in the Bad Place,
237
00:09:16,518 --> 00:09:18,619
because they suck!
238
00:09:21,022 --> 00:09:22,990
No, they don't. All we need is a defense
239
00:09:23,024 --> 00:09:24,725
and an offense and some rule changes.
240
00:09:24,759 --> 00:09:26,327
Don't take it personally.
241
00:09:26,361 --> 00:09:28,996
He just has to put on a show
for the other demons.
242
00:09:29,030 --> 00:09:31,298
Tahani Al-Jamil,
243
00:09:31,333 --> 00:09:34,501
elegance, grace, sophistication,
244
00:09:34,536 --> 00:09:36,637
but enough about your sister.
245
00:09:38,506 --> 00:09:41,975
You know what the worst moment
of Tahani's life was?
246
00:09:42,010 --> 00:09:44,678
When the last song played
at one of her parties,
247
00:09:44,713 --> 00:09:46,480
and she would run off and cry
248
00:09:46,514 --> 00:09:49,850
because she still hadn't won
her parents' approval.
249
00:09:49,884 --> 00:09:52,519
You know the other worst
moment of Tahani's life?
250
00:09:52,554 --> 00:09:57,024
Every other moment of
her empty, pointless life!
251
00:09:57,058 --> 00:09:59,526
Hey-oh!
252
00:09:59,561 --> 00:10:01,195
I see Eleanor Shellstrop is here.
253
00:10:01,229 --> 00:10:04,031
Eleanor and I have a lot in common.
254
00:10:04,065 --> 00:10:05,866
Now, here's how you can tell us apart:
255
00:10:05,900 --> 00:10:08,102
one of us is a manipulative demon
256
00:10:08,136 --> 00:10:10,871
who's an expert at making
other people miserable,
257
00:10:10,905 --> 00:10:13,707
and then the other one... is me!
258
00:10:15,443 --> 00:10:18,045
You thought you deserved a Medium Place
259
00:10:18,079 --> 00:10:20,013
like Mindy St. Claire?
260
00:10:20,048 --> 00:10:21,749
Are you kidding me?
261
00:10:21,783 --> 00:10:23,784
You're bad, Eleanor.
262
00:10:23,818 --> 00:10:26,687
This is exactly the place you should be.
263
00:10:26,721 --> 00:10:29,189
Not super funny for a roast there, bud.
264
00:10:29,224 --> 00:10:31,258
Oh, sorry, you want a joke?
Okay, you love Chidi,
265
00:10:31,292 --> 00:10:33,394
and Chidi doesn't love you back.
266
00:10:33,428 --> 00:10:35,229
Boom!
267
00:10:35,263 --> 00:10:37,564
Now, that's funny,
because it's very cruel
268
00:10:37,599 --> 00:10:39,566
and humiliating.
269
00:10:39,601 --> 00:10:41,135
I consider you one of
my closest friends...
270
00:10:41,169 --> 00:10:42,936
- Not now, dude.
- "Speaking of Chidi"
271
00:10:42,971 --> 00:10:45,739
is something no one has ever said,
272
00:10:45,774 --> 00:10:47,541
because no one talks about Chidi,
273
00:10:47,575 --> 00:10:49,276
because no one likes Chidi,
274
00:10:49,310 --> 00:10:53,480
because he's so annoying about ethics.
275
00:10:53,515 --> 00:10:55,416
Now, when you taught
the Trolley Problem,
276
00:10:55,450 --> 00:10:58,252
did you secretly wish
that it could be you
277
00:10:58,286 --> 00:11:01,054
who wound up under the trolley?
278
00:11:01,089 --> 00:11:02,956
Because all your students did.
279
00:11:02,991 --> 00:11:04,558
Whoo!
280
00:11:04,592 --> 00:11:06,894
Oh, Chidi, sorry,
I got a joke for you, bud.
281
00:11:06,928 --> 00:11:09,263
- Uh, knock knock.
- Who's there?
282
00:11:09,297 --> 00:11:11,498
You died alone, because
you couldn't commit to anyone.
283
00:11:13,268 --> 00:11:15,636
You died alone because you
couldn't commit to anyone who?
284
00:11:15,670 --> 00:11:18,238
- No.
- Jason Mendoza!
285
00:11:19,808 --> 00:11:21,275
Okay, that's all my time.
286
00:11:21,309 --> 00:11:25,512
Let's tear this mother to the ground!
287
00:11:32,654 --> 00:11:34,621
So, maybe I was wrong,
288
00:11:34,656 --> 00:11:37,925
and Michael isn't on our side.
289
00:11:40,878 --> 00:11:42,495
What up, pork sticks?
290
00:11:42,557 --> 00:11:45,854
That was "She Hates Me"
by Puddle of Mudd.
291
00:11:45,909 --> 00:11:49,548
Coming up next, "Grandma Got
Run Over by a Reindeer."
292
00:11:49,595 --> 00:11:51,954
Idiots.
293
00:11:52,017 --> 00:11:54,516
We're going streaking!
294
00:11:57,898 --> 00:11:59,866
The one time
295
00:11:59,927 --> 00:12:01,592
I think someone isn't lying to me,
296
00:12:01,659 --> 00:12:03,293
and it bites me in the ash.
297
00:12:03,327 --> 00:12:07,063
I guess Michael really did
flip back to the bad side.
298
00:12:07,088 --> 00:12:08,515
Oh, does one think?
299
00:12:08,562 --> 00:12:10,724
That roast was the meanest
thing I've ever seen,
300
00:12:10,758 --> 00:12:13,327
and I once saw a waiter bring
Russell Crowe the wrong tea.
301
00:12:13,361 --> 00:12:15,329
Well, we have no choice. We go to Shawn,
302
00:12:15,363 --> 00:12:17,130
and we tell him that
we'll trade secret information
303
00:12:17,165 --> 00:12:19,232
about the reboots,
if he'll go easy on us,
304
00:12:19,267 --> 00:12:21,368
and if that doesn't work,
we try to get Janet free
305
00:12:21,402 --> 00:12:23,498
and head to Mindy's. Agreed?
306
00:12:23,546 --> 00:12:25,146
Yeah, Michael sucks now.
307
00:12:25,171 --> 00:12:26,772
He pretended to be our friend.
308
00:12:26,815 --> 00:12:28,262
He's gonna torture us for eternity.
309
00:12:28,309 --> 00:12:30,118
And you know what the worst part is?
310
00:12:30,152 --> 00:12:32,854
He doesn't remember the name of
my favorite football player.
311
00:12:32,888 --> 00:12:34,455
Definitely not the worst part.
312
00:12:34,490 --> 00:12:35,924
It is to me.
313
00:12:35,958 --> 00:12:37,859
Blake Bortles is a cool name.
314
00:12:37,893 --> 00:12:40,194
Derek Bortles is a dumb name.
315
00:12:42,531 --> 00:12:45,364
♪ Grandma got run over by a reindeer ♪
316
00:12:46,521 --> 00:12:49,337
♪ Walking home from our house
Christmas Eve ♪
317
00:12:50,806 --> 00:12:52,774
Hey, man, have you told Shawn
318
00:12:52,808 --> 00:12:55,043
how hugely important I was yet?
319
00:12:55,077 --> 00:12:56,811
I will get to it. Promise.
320
00:12:56,845 --> 00:12:58,513
Now, you just relax. Enjoy yourself.
321
00:12:58,547 --> 00:13:01,449
Rip a cat in half.
It's a party, Vicky, come on.
322
00:13:03,519 --> 00:13:04,886
- Hey.
- Aah.
323
00:13:04,920 --> 00:13:06,621
What does Michael
keep whispering to you?
324
00:13:06,655 --> 00:13:09,958
Um, something, something,
Vicky, something, something.
325
00:13:09,992 --> 00:13:11,659
Uh, can I braid your hair?
326
00:13:11,694 --> 00:13:13,027
- No.
- Please?
327
00:13:13,062 --> 00:13:14,295
No, you know what, I'm good. I got it.
328
00:13:14,330 --> 00:13:15,830
Ooh!
329
00:13:15,864 --> 00:13:17,365
Hey, help me get these
bracelets off Good Janet.
330
00:13:17,399 --> 00:13:19,067
No, Shawn put them on her for a reason.
331
00:13:19,101 --> 00:13:20,969
I'm not overruling the boss.
332
00:13:21,003 --> 00:13:22,637
You're such a suck-up, Gayle.
333
00:13:22,671 --> 00:13:25,006
- Can I braid your hair?
- No... get this... I got it...
334
00:13:25,040 --> 00:13:28,409
Ow, get your own bracelet, Victoria.
335
00:13:32,281 --> 00:13:34,849
Okay, you fat dinks, the sun is up,
336
00:13:34,883 --> 00:13:36,718
and we're about to close it down
337
00:13:36,752 --> 00:13:38,653
with one last song:
338
00:13:38,687 --> 00:13:40,922
"She Hates Me" by Puddle of Mudd
339
00:13:40,956 --> 00:13:43,992
and "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer"
340
00:13:44,026 --> 00:13:46,060
played at the same time.
341
00:13:47,796 --> 00:13:49,330
Honestly, I'm still partial to
342
00:13:49,365 --> 00:13:50,832
the old-fashioned scorpion diapers,
343
00:13:50,866 --> 00:13:52,400
but you've done great work here.
344
00:13:52,434 --> 00:13:54,836
I can't thank you enough for everything.
345
00:13:54,870 --> 00:13:56,404
- Shawn, wait.
- No...
346
00:13:56,438 --> 00:13:59,240
I have some very interesting information
347
00:13:59,274 --> 00:14:01,109
about who's really responsible
for this neighborhood.
348
00:14:01,143 --> 00:14:03,277
Shawn, the humans are escaping.
349
00:14:06,115 --> 00:14:07,615
It's Michael.
350
00:14:07,650 --> 00:14:09,283
Michael's responsible
for this neighborhood
351
00:14:09,318 --> 00:14:10,885
and everything that's
happening right now.
352
00:14:10,919 --> 00:14:12,954
- Bye!
- I...
353
00:14:12,988 --> 00:14:16,024
- Bad Janet?
- What's cracking, nut-butts?
354
00:14:16,058 --> 00:14:18,292
Call us another train immediately.
355
00:14:18,327 --> 00:14:19,727
Party's over.
356
00:14:21,497 --> 00:14:23,631
How did they get Janet's bracelets off?
357
00:14:23,666 --> 00:14:25,767
It's literally impossible
for a human to do.
358
00:14:25,801 --> 00:14:29,804
It's like breathing underwater
or driving without texting.
359
00:14:29,838 --> 00:14:31,906
Shawn, I don't wanna make
any accusations,
360
00:14:31,940 --> 00:14:33,474
but I accuse Vicky.
361
00:14:33,509 --> 00:14:36,044
She asked me to help her
take Janet's bracelets off.
362
00:14:36,078 --> 00:14:38,146
Oh, Vicky, you didn't.
363
00:14:38,180 --> 00:14:40,114
She definitely did. She's jealous.
364
00:14:40,149 --> 00:14:42,917
She's been trying to
sabotage me the entire time.
365
00:14:42,951 --> 00:14:44,485
What? No, he's lying.
366
00:14:44,520 --> 00:14:47,155
Okay, I did try to get
the bracelets off,
367
00:14:47,189 --> 00:14:48,823
- but I couldn't.
- Listen to yourself.
368
00:14:48,857 --> 00:14:51,125
- You sound crazy.
- Normally I would love
369
00:14:51,160 --> 00:14:52,927
hearing a man tell a woman she's crazy,
370
00:14:52,961 --> 00:14:54,395
but I can't.
371
00:14:54,430 --> 00:14:56,164
You aided the humans
just to spite Michael.
372
00:14:56,198 --> 00:14:57,965
You're not a demon. You're a jerk.
373
00:14:58,000 --> 00:15:01,002
Wait, this is a trick.
Michael is the traitor.
374
00:15:01,036 --> 00:15:02,837
I bet they're still here somehow.
375
00:15:02,871 --> 00:15:05,273
This place stretches for 1,000 miles.
376
00:15:05,307 --> 00:15:07,675
Fine. Bad Janet?
377
00:15:07,710 --> 00:15:09,010
What?
378
00:15:09,044 --> 00:15:11,946
Scan the neighborhood, please.
379
00:15:18,654 --> 00:15:20,121
No sign of any humans,
380
00:15:20,155 --> 00:15:21,856
but I actually did find
something for Vicky.
381
00:15:21,890 --> 00:15:23,257
What?
382
00:15:26,228 --> 00:15:27,862
Bad Janet,
383
00:15:27,896 --> 00:15:29,297
- great stuff as always.
- No duh.
384
00:15:29,331 --> 00:15:31,032
- And as for Vicky...
- No, wait...
385
00:15:32,735 --> 00:15:34,035
This is a PR disaster.
386
00:15:34,069 --> 00:15:35,703
We have to keep it all under wraps.
387
00:15:35,738 --> 00:15:37,171
Get her on the train,
388
00:15:37,206 --> 00:15:38,873
and if anyone else says a single word
389
00:15:38,907 --> 00:15:40,508
of what happened here to anyone,
390
00:15:40,542 --> 00:15:42,810
you will be in a cocoon just like Vicky,
391
00:15:42,845 --> 00:15:45,880
and it is gooey in there.
392
00:15:45,914 --> 00:15:47,782
How do we get the humans
back from Mindy's?
393
00:15:47,816 --> 00:15:49,984
They've bought themselves
some time, but we'll get them.
394
00:15:50,018 --> 00:15:51,786
I'll start the extradition papers.
395
00:15:51,820 --> 00:15:53,387
You stay here.
396
00:15:53,422 --> 00:15:55,156
I want every trace of
this neighborhood erased.
397
00:16:05,434 --> 00:16:07,368
Oh, that was a bad idea!
That was so scary
398
00:16:07,402 --> 00:16:09,203
so many different times. I hated that.
399
00:16:13,108 --> 00:16:15,409
You guys!
400
00:16:15,444 --> 00:16:18,079
I was so scared for you.
401
00:16:18,113 --> 00:16:20,014
I told you he was on our side.
402
00:16:20,048 --> 00:16:22,183
You're my friends, and I want...
403
00:16:22,217 --> 00:16:24,252
I wanted to save you.
404
00:16:24,286 --> 00:16:26,087
Hey, it's okay, bud.
405
00:16:26,121 --> 00:16:29,090
This is the best summer ever, you guys.
406
00:16:31,860 --> 00:16:33,127
Oh.
407
00:16:35,038 --> 00:16:37,334
Oh, Michael, we never
doubted you for a moment.
408
00:16:37,358 --> 00:16:39,866
Thank you, Tahani.
You're lying, though, right?
409
00:16:39,897 --> 00:16:41,795
Yes, I am. I doubted you very strongly.
410
00:16:41,834 --> 00:16:44,492
But then I figured it out.
Kierkegaard, baby!
411
00:16:44,544 --> 00:16:45,945
Leap of faith.
412
00:16:45,970 --> 00:16:48,562
It's better translated as
a leap into faith.
413
00:16:48,610 --> 00:16:50,244
You remembered!
414
00:16:51,947 --> 00:16:53,581
Can somebody please explain
what happened,
415
00:16:53,615 --> 00:16:56,272
and... and can you guys just be
a tiny bit quieter?
416
00:16:56,311 --> 00:16:58,319
Because, um, I've been drunk
on magnets all day,
417
00:16:58,354 --> 00:17:02,532
and... and I can literally hear
every sound in the universe.
418
00:17:02,625 --> 00:17:04,926
Basically, Michael sent us a code,
419
00:17:04,960 --> 00:17:06,194
and we had to crack it.
420
00:17:06,228 --> 00:17:07,929
I figured out the first clue...
421
00:17:07,963 --> 00:17:10,272
- No, you didn't, I did.
- I was there, though!
422
00:17:10,297 --> 00:17:12,667
- Ooh...
- Blake Bortles is a cool name.
423
00:17:12,701 --> 00:17:14,869
Derek Bortles is a dumb name.
424
00:17:14,910 --> 00:17:16,969
Yes...
425
00:17:17,037 --> 00:17:19,572
Derek Bortles is indeed
426
00:17:19,708 --> 00:17:21,776
a very dumb name.
427
00:17:21,810 --> 00:17:23,916
It's a clue. There's no way
428
00:17:23,941 --> 00:17:26,092
Michael would've forgotten
the name Blake Bortles.
429
00:17:26,131 --> 00:17:28,000
You say it a million times a day.
430
00:17:28,038 --> 00:17:29,960
- 'Cause he's the best.
- No, he's not,
431
00:17:30,006 --> 00:17:31,047
and even I know that.
432
00:17:31,074 --> 00:17:32,942
Michael was telling us to use Derek,
433
00:17:32,976 --> 00:17:35,177
Janet's Derek, for something.
434
00:17:35,212 --> 00:17:37,546
There were clues in the roast.
435
00:17:37,581 --> 00:17:40,865
Everybody, quietly but quickly
head to the train station,
436
00:17:40,920 --> 00:17:43,786
but let's split up,
so we don't draw attention.
437
00:17:51,328 --> 00:17:54,530
Ugh, you guys are
the worst conspirators.
438
00:17:55,832 --> 00:17:58,000
Okay, what else did Michael say
439
00:17:58,034 --> 00:17:59,869
in the roasts that might be meaningful?
440
00:17:59,908 --> 00:18:01,303
Tahani, do you remember?
441
00:18:01,338 --> 00:18:03,877
Well, he said my entire life
was pointless and empty.
442
00:18:03,924 --> 00:18:06,259
Yeah, but did he say anything
we don't already know?
443
00:18:06,293 --> 00:18:08,094
Anything that stood out?
444
00:18:08,128 --> 00:18:12,332
You know what the worst
moment of Tahani's life was?
445
00:18:12,366 --> 00:18:15,068
When the last song played
at one of her parties,
446
00:18:15,102 --> 00:18:16,736
and she would run off and cry,
447
00:18:16,770 --> 00:18:19,739
because she still hadn't won
her parents' approval.
448
00:18:19,773 --> 00:18:20,942
That was odd.
449
00:18:20,967 --> 00:18:23,424
A host never runs off
during their last song,
450
00:18:23,449 --> 00:18:25,511
because after it's over, you're
supposed to act surprised
451
00:18:25,546 --> 00:18:26,946
when everyone drags you on stage
452
00:18:26,980 --> 00:18:28,247
and showers you with applause.
453
00:18:28,282 --> 00:18:30,350
Maybe Michael wanted us to wait
454
00:18:30,375 --> 00:18:31,596
until the end of the party,
455
00:18:31,627 --> 00:18:33,619
when everyone was at
their most distracted.
456
00:18:33,654 --> 00:18:35,057
And use Derek to drive the train,
457
00:18:35,082 --> 00:18:37,190
because he has some of Janet's powers.
458
00:18:37,224 --> 00:18:39,662
- Janet!
- Hi, hey, hey...
459
00:18:39,728 --> 00:18:40,779
- Janet...
- Yeah?
460
00:18:40,834 --> 00:18:42,998
We need you to go get Derek
from your void.
461
00:18:43,028 --> 00:18:44,224
Okay.
462
00:18:44,287 --> 00:18:46,466
Shoot, where's my void again? I forget.
463
00:18:46,500 --> 00:18:48,301
Oh, yeah, it's everywhere.
464
00:18:48,335 --> 00:18:51,942
Okay, hang on to your butt cheeks.
465
00:18:52,044 --> 00:18:53,740
Ugh, where is he?
466
00:18:53,774 --> 00:18:55,541
Ow, owie.
467
00:18:55,576 --> 00:18:58,161
I'm never gonna find... there he is.
468
00:18:58,194 --> 00:18:59,364
- Derek.
- Hm.
469
00:18:59,389 --> 00:19:01,748
Derek, we need you to drive this train
470
00:19:01,782 --> 00:19:03,416
and take us to Mindy St. Claire's house.
471
00:19:03,450 --> 00:19:06,152
- Can you do that?
- Derek.
472
00:19:07,621 --> 00:19:10,390
Wait... nobody get on that train.
473
00:19:10,424 --> 00:19:12,151
- Derek?
- Why not?
474
00:19:12,214 --> 00:19:13,993
Because of what Michael said to me.
475
00:19:14,027 --> 00:19:16,987
You thought you deserved a Medium Place?
476
00:19:17,012 --> 00:19:18,190
You're bad, Eleanor.
477
00:19:18,262 --> 00:19:20,797
This is exactly the place you should be.
478
00:19:20,909 --> 00:19:22,476
Derek...
479
00:19:22,579 --> 00:19:24,670
Michael wants us to stay here
for some reason.
480
00:19:24,705 --> 00:19:26,973
Eleanor, we have a train, a conductor,
481
00:19:27,007 --> 00:19:28,313
and a safe destination.
482
00:19:28,338 --> 00:19:30,665
I'm going to tell you the same thing
I told Pippa Middleton
483
00:19:30,719 --> 00:19:32,840
right before we went
paragliding in Gibraltar.
484
00:19:32,865 --> 00:19:34,833
"Let's go."
485
00:19:34,895 --> 00:19:37,597
- What? That's what I said.
- Guys, leap of faith.
486
00:19:37,851 --> 00:19:39,919
Michael said we shouldn't
get on that train.
487
00:19:39,953 --> 00:19:42,121
Any minute now, those demons
are gonna come looking for us.
488
00:19:42,156 --> 00:19:43,456
Where are we supposed to hide?
489
00:19:43,490 --> 00:19:44,991
Oh, no.
490
00:19:45,025 --> 00:19:46,993
Now, when you taught
the Trolley Problem,
491
00:19:47,027 --> 00:19:49,762
did you secretly wish
that it could be you
492
00:19:49,797 --> 00:19:52,432
who wound up under the trolley?
493
00:19:52,466 --> 00:19:55,468
Because all your students did.
494
00:19:55,502 --> 00:19:57,537
All aboard!
495
00:19:57,571 --> 00:20:00,403
The train is here.
496
00:20:00,428 --> 00:20:02,208
It's a train!
497
00:20:02,251 --> 00:20:03,818
Get onboard?
498
00:20:03,853 --> 00:20:05,404
- Actually, Derek...
- Derek.
499
00:20:05,429 --> 00:20:07,613
You're gonna wait until
the last song of the night...
500
00:20:07,648 --> 00:20:09,949
- Derek.
- And when you do leave,
501
00:20:09,983 --> 00:20:11,359
you're gonna be flying a solo mission.
502
00:20:11,433 --> 00:20:14,501
Oh... maximum Derek.
503
00:20:14,755 --> 00:20:16,890
Derek headed off,
and when the new train arrived,
504
00:20:16,937 --> 00:20:18,631
the four of us crawled underneath
505
00:20:18,656 --> 00:20:20,803
before any of the drunk demons saw us.
506
00:20:20,828 --> 00:20:21,923
That kept us from being detected
507
00:20:21,978 --> 00:20:23,649
when Bad Janet scanned the neighborhood.
508
00:20:23,866 --> 00:20:26,603
We fooled those mofos
like the chumps they are.
509
00:20:26,841 --> 00:20:28,876
We got all four clues you left us.
510
00:20:28,955 --> 00:20:30,345
Oh, that's great.
511
00:20:30,399 --> 00:20:34,026
Well, I mean, I actually
left you more than 1,200 clues,
512
00:20:34,060 --> 00:20:36,427
because of how primitive
your brains are,
513
00:20:36,452 --> 00:20:39,198
but I'm so glad you got enough
to figure it out.
514
00:20:39,232 --> 00:20:41,433
Wait, how did you escape
detection, though?
515
00:20:41,468 --> 00:20:43,168
Well, I'm not ethically proud of this,
516
00:20:43,203 --> 00:20:45,938
but I framed Vicky.
517
00:20:45,972 --> 00:20:47,068
It was pretty easy.
518
00:20:47,093 --> 00:20:49,141
I just kept whispering things
into Janet's ear
519
00:20:49,175 --> 00:20:50,662
to make her paranoid.
520
00:20:50,732 --> 00:20:52,211
I'm sorry, wh-what did
you whisper to me?
521
00:20:52,245 --> 00:20:53,450
I don't remember.
522
00:20:54,577 --> 00:20:57,745
Something, something, Vicky,
something, something.
523
00:20:57,851 --> 00:20:59,778
What does Michael
keep whispering to you?
524
00:20:59,856 --> 00:21:02,621
Something, something, Vicky,
something, something.
525
00:21:02,656 --> 00:21:04,525
- Uh...
- And that made her
526
00:21:04,550 --> 00:21:06,392
try to take Janet's bracelets off,
527
00:21:06,426 --> 00:21:08,127
which framed her for the escape.
528
00:21:08,170 --> 00:21:09,732
- You.
- Oh...
529
00:21:09,757 --> 00:21:13,479
Guys, I-I want to apologize
for roasting you earlier.
530
00:21:13,566 --> 00:21:16,302
I had to sell it, because
everyone was watching.
531
00:21:16,336 --> 00:21:17,969
- It was funny, though, right?
- Absolutely not.
532
00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:20,367
Tahani's stuff was perfect...
I mean, no.
533
00:21:20,406 --> 00:21:22,983
Guys, let's just take a moment here.
534
00:21:23,008 --> 00:21:25,678
They're gone, which means that we won
535
00:21:25,712 --> 00:21:29,315
and might actually get a chance
to go to the real Good Place.
536
00:21:29,359 --> 00:21:31,915
This is everything we ever wanted.
537
00:21:32,055 --> 00:21:33,774
Speaking of people
getting what they want,
538
00:21:33,813 --> 00:21:36,722
I really hope Mindy liked
the present we sent her.
539
00:21:39,025 --> 00:21:41,460
- Who are you?
- Derek.
540
00:21:43,077 --> 00:21:45,363
"Thanks for helping us
all those times we showed up.
541
00:21:45,399 --> 00:21:47,462
"To repay you,
here's a willing sex robot
542
00:21:47,500 --> 00:21:49,492
and two duffel bags full of cocaine."
543
00:21:49,531 --> 00:21:52,797
There are wind chimes
where my ding dong should be.
544
00:21:55,159 --> 00:21:58,210
- I can work with that.
- All right!
545
00:21:58,234 --> 00:22:00,234
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
40728
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