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1
00:00:04,004 --> 00:00:05,020
Shh.
2
00:00:05,021 --> 00:00:06,094
Don't wake her up.
3
00:00:06,095 --> 00:00:08,054
I'm trying to screw as quietly as I can,
4
00:00:08,055 --> 00:00:11,057
but I'm having trouble
getting it in the hole.
5
00:00:11,058 --> 00:00:13,095
Did you hear what I said?
6
00:00:13,096 --> 00:00:14,096
I said I'm trying to get...
7
00:00:14,097 --> 00:00:16,024
Yeah, I heard what you said.
8
00:00:16,025 --> 00:00:18,024
Shut up and screw faster,
so we can get this
9
00:00:18,025 --> 00:00:19,060
over with and go to sleep.
10
00:00:19,061 --> 00:00:21,058
: Did you hear
what you just said?
11
00:00:21,059 --> 00:00:24,032
: I did.
I said it on purpose.
12
00:00:24,033 --> 00:00:28,011
Recently Burt and
I invested in a dead bolt.
13
00:00:28,012 --> 00:00:29,096
Due to the fact Maw Maw has been doing
14
00:00:29,097 --> 00:00:34,007
quite a bit of wandering in
the middle of the night.
15
00:00:34,008 --> 00:00:38,024
Hey, Mambo! Mambo Italiano!
16
00:00:38,025 --> 00:00:39,065
Hey, Mambo!
17
00:00:39,066 --> 00:00:40,096
Maw Maw, get down from there.
18
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You're gonna break your neck!
19
00:00:42,021 --> 00:00:44,020
Go, go, go, you
mixed-up Sicialiano
20
00:00:44,021 --> 00:00:47,087
All you calabraise do the
mambo like a crazy with a...
21
00:00:47,088 --> 00:00:51,016
During the day we can keep an eye on her,
22
00:00:51,017 --> 00:00:54,037
but at night, we have no idea of
knowing if she gets loose.
23
00:00:56,025 --> 00:00:57,071
Mambo Italiano!
24
00:00:57,072 --> 00:01:01,061
Try an enchilada with a fish Baccala
25
00:01:02,088 --> 00:01:06,032
I love-a how
you dance a rhumbah
26
00:01:06,033 --> 00:01:10,041
But take some advise, paisano,
learn how to mambo
27
00:01:10,042 --> 00:01:12,071
If you gonna be a square,
you ain't-a gonna go nowhere
28
00:01:17,029 --> 00:01:20,037
She put makeup on me again while
I was sleeping, didn't she?
29
00:01:20,038 --> 00:01:24,003
Go, go, Joe,
shake it like-a Giovanno
30
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Where do you think she got it?
31
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Who knows?
32
00:01:27,025 --> 00:01:28,088
Come on, Maw Maw.
33
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Italiano!
34
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Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org
35
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That's nice-a
36
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Boom!
37
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There you go.
38
00:01:38,042 --> 00:01:42,025
Now, we should be able to sleep in peace.
39
00:01:46,079 --> 00:01:48,087
You didn't check to make
sure she was in there?
40
00:01:50,042 --> 00:01:51,071
Hey.
41
00:01:54,004 --> 00:01:56,016
Damn it, Maw Maw!
42
00:01:56,017 --> 00:01:57,025
Hey Mambo!
43
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Maw Maw, no!
44
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Off!
45
00:01:59,042 --> 00:02:01,070
Hey, Mambo,
Mambo Italiano...
46
00:02:03,038 --> 00:02:04,061
Whoo!
47
00:02:04,062 --> 00:02:09,042
Here we go,
48
00:02:16,050 --> 00:02:17,999
Nice shirt.
49
00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:20,032
Is that Versace?
50
00:02:20,033 --> 00:02:22,061
Gag-tee dot com.
51
00:02:22,062 --> 00:02:24,045
They do good work, too.
52
00:02:24,046 --> 00:02:26,024
Hey, sweetie?
53
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Y-You're not gonna wear that
out tonight, are you?
54
00:02:27,084 --> 00:02:29,032
Yeah, why not?
55
00:02:29,033 --> 00:02:30,019
It's funny.
56
00:02:30,020 --> 00:02:31,056
And I-I've worn it before.
57
00:02:31,057 --> 00:02:32,058
You know what it means, right?
58
00:02:32,059 --> 00:02:35,028
The hand's pointing down at his...
59
00:02:35,029 --> 00:02:36,040
I-I do know
what it means, yeah.
60
00:02:37,089 --> 00:02:40,011
Listen, it was fine when we were friends.
61
00:02:40,012 --> 00:02:42,020
You know, but now that we're engaged,
62
00:02:42,021 --> 00:02:44,083
it's just the things that you
do, they say something about me.
63
00:02:44,084 --> 00:02:46,028
And though that shirt might say
64
00:02:46,029 --> 00:02:47,062
that your penis is stupid,
65
00:02:47,063 --> 00:02:50,041
it absolutely says my vagina is an idiot.
66
00:02:52,083 --> 00:02:55,078
It's my favorite shirt.
67
00:02:55,079 --> 00:02:58,037
It's the only one I've ever
taken to a dry cleaners.
68
00:02:58,038 --> 00:03:00,008
So, I think I'm gonna wear it?
69
00:03:02,075 --> 00:03:04,054
Okay, fine.
70
00:03:06,038 --> 00:03:08,024
Nice.
71
00:03:08,025 --> 00:03:10,032
Don't let her change who you are, man.
72
00:03:10,033 --> 00:03:11,092
Chicks always try to do that.
73
00:03:11,093 --> 00:03:14,041
I've been video chatting
with this girl online
74
00:03:14,042 --> 00:03:15,999
and lately she's been like,
75
00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:19,082
"Take off your weird baby mask,
I want to see your face."
76
00:03:19,083 --> 00:03:22,057
I'm like, "Take off your
horse-head mask first."
77
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She wanted me to change but
she wasn't willing to change.
78
00:03:26,088 --> 00:03:28,021
Girls are crazy.
79
00:03:37,038 --> 00:03:39,049
Another inch and a half.
80
00:03:39,050 --> 00:03:41,007
Every year, like clockwork.
81
00:03:41,008 --> 00:03:43,094
Dad, you're not growing
an inch and a half every year.
82
00:03:43,095 --> 00:03:44,096
Doorjamb don't lie.
83
00:03:44,097 --> 00:03:46,032
If that were true,
84
00:03:46,033 --> 00:03:48,066
you'd be seven foot,
14 inches tall by now.
85
00:03:48,067 --> 00:03:50,058
I think it might be time
to consider the possibility
86
00:03:50,059 --> 00:03:52,012
that your house is sinking.
87
00:03:54,075 --> 00:03:56,021
That's mine.
88
00:04:07,079 --> 00:04:10,020
Come on, you both watched
89
00:04:10,021 --> 00:04:12,053
three cartoons today about sharing.
90
00:04:12,054 --> 00:04:13,071
Did you learn nothing?
91
00:04:17,038 --> 00:04:18,092
Time to put on your jammies.
92
00:04:25,054 --> 00:04:27,024
Maw Maw and Hope are a lot alike.
93
00:04:27,025 --> 00:04:28,053
It's sweet.
94
00:04:28,054 --> 00:04:30,053
I hope I have a baby
rival when I'm her age.
95
00:04:36,092 --> 00:04:38,075
- Is that a neighbor?
- I don't recognize her.
96
00:04:40,025 --> 00:04:41,038
Should we see what she wants?
97
00:04:41,039 --> 00:04:43,020
I say no.
98
00:04:43,021 --> 00:04:44,036
When is someone you don't know ringing
99
00:04:44,037 --> 00:04:45,079
your doorbell ever a good thing?
100
00:04:45,080 --> 00:04:48,003
What about that time that
overnight delivery guy
101
00:04:48,004 --> 00:04:50,044
accidentally delivered the
neighbor's package here.
102
00:04:50,045 --> 00:04:52,025
We might use that medicine some day.
103
00:04:52,026 --> 00:04:54,003
What happened to that neighbor?
104
00:04:54,004 --> 00:04:55,040
I haven't seen him.
105
00:04:56,063 --> 00:04:58,095
Fine, but if it's bad, you're gonna be
106
00:04:58,096 --> 00:05:00,082
the one to deal with it, not me.
107
00:05:00,083 --> 00:05:02,032
I want to watch Wipeout.
108
00:05:02,033 --> 00:05:04,067
They're doing farmers versus plumbers.
109
00:05:06,054 --> 00:05:09,024
Hello.
Is this the Chance residence?
110
00:05:09,025 --> 00:05:11,049
Why?
111
00:05:11,050 --> 00:05:14,011
Because I'm looking
for the Chance residence.
112
00:05:14,012 --> 00:05:15,091
Why?
113
00:05:15,092 --> 00:05:18,067
I can only tell you that if this
is the Chance residence.
114
00:05:25,021 --> 00:05:28,066
Yeah, it's the Chance residence.
115
00:05:28,067 --> 00:05:30,045
Great.
116
00:05:30,046 --> 00:05:33,024
My name is Joan Wrightsdale
and I'm from Social Services.
117
00:05:33,025 --> 00:05:36,016
I'm here to investigate
a complaint that we had
118
00:05:36,017 --> 00:05:39,024
about the welfare of a child
living in this residence.
119
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You didn't let me finish.
120
00:05:40,037 --> 00:05:41,054
It's the Chance residence...
121
00:05:41,055 --> 00:05:43,041
over there.
122
00:05:43,042 --> 00:05:45,032
Sorry I'm late, Chances.
123
00:05:45,033 --> 00:05:47,092
Up until about an hour ago,
totally thought it was Sunday.
124
00:05:49,083 --> 00:05:51,067
Okay, take care, Chances.
125
00:05:56,050 --> 00:05:58,075
Nine times out of ten,
guy doesn't say a word.
126
00:06:06,025 --> 00:06:08,028
So, a complaint
about the welfare of a child?
127
00:06:08,029 --> 00:06:09,067
I can't even imagine what that would be.
128
00:06:09,068 --> 00:06:11,016
You know what?
129
00:06:11,017 --> 00:06:12,042
This is getting heavy.
130
00:06:12,043 --> 00:06:14,087
I'll go get us some marshmallows.
131
00:06:14,088 --> 00:06:17,045
You know, it's probably nothing.
132
00:06:17,046 --> 00:06:18,092
We just have to follow up on these things.
133
00:06:18,093 --> 00:06:20,011
Sure, of course.
134
00:06:20,012 --> 00:06:21,096
But if it's just one random complaint,
135
00:06:21,097 --> 00:06:23,024
how can you even trust it?
136
00:06:23,025 --> 00:06:24,058
Tell me about it.
137
00:06:24,059 --> 00:06:26,053
For example, I have
138
00:06:26,054 --> 00:06:28,057
a cat... her name is Muffin.
139
00:06:28,058 --> 00:06:30,041
My.
140
00:06:30,042 --> 00:06:32,087
Thank you.
141
00:06:32,088 --> 00:06:35,999
Anyway, I am a great cat owner.
142
00:06:36,000 --> 00:06:37,067
But one time I was at the mall
143
00:06:37,068 --> 00:06:40,024
and Muffin just jumped out of my
arms and she landed on her head.
144
00:06:40,025 --> 00:06:42,032
And someone reported me to the SPCA,
145
00:06:42,033 --> 00:06:44,049
and they said that I
dropped her, but I didn't.
146
00:06:44,050 --> 00:06:45,999
She jumped.
147
00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:47,090
Was she wearing that
outfit when she jumped?
148
00:06:47,091 --> 00:06:49,096
'Cause you could probably make
an argument that she was trying
149
00:06:49,097 --> 00:06:52,020
to commit suicide,
which isn't funny at all.
150
00:06:52,021 --> 00:06:53,071
Can I see that picture?
It's adorable.
151
00:06:56,033 --> 00:06:58,087
Hey... the government's
here to take the baby.
152
00:06:58,088 --> 00:07:00,071
They think we're putting her in danger.
153
00:07:00,072 --> 00:07:02,011
Hurry, toss her over here.
154
00:07:02,012 --> 00:07:03,050
I'll hide her under the car.
155
00:07:04,017 --> 00:07:05,046
What's going on?
156
00:07:05,047 --> 00:07:07,053
Social Services got a complaint
157
00:07:07,054 --> 00:07:08,075
and now they're here to check on Hope.
158
00:07:08,076 --> 00:07:10,057
Complaint? Well, what was it?
159
00:07:10,058 --> 00:07:12,046
I'm guessing it's when you
couldn't find a towel.
160
00:07:14,038 --> 00:07:15,029
Turn around.
161
00:07:17,033 --> 00:07:19,028
I'm sure that wasn't it.
162
00:07:19,029 --> 00:07:21,031
If it's anything, it's that
stupid scooter-stroller
163
00:07:21,032 --> 00:07:22,033
that Dad invented.
164
00:07:27,088 --> 00:07:29,062
See you at the park, slowpoke!
165
00:07:30,088 --> 00:07:33,037
You're crazy.
People love that thing.
166
00:07:33,038 --> 00:07:35,086
They honk their horns and yell,
"Hey, Scooter-Stroller Guy!"
167
00:07:35,087 --> 00:07:37,071
I might just become a small town novelty
168
00:07:37,072 --> 00:07:41,011
like Dancin' Dan or that guy
with the bunny ears who walks
169
00:07:41,012 --> 00:07:42,071
around at night carrying
that giant purple cross.
170
00:07:42,072 --> 00:07:44,011
What do they call him?
171
00:07:44,012 --> 00:07:46,021
- Easter Joe.
- Easter Joe!
172
00:07:46,022 --> 00:07:47,042
You don't think someone
complained about you, do you?
173
00:07:47,043 --> 00:07:49,045
You said you got a lot of dirty looks
174
00:07:49,046 --> 00:07:50,029
at the grocery store last week.
175
00:07:56,004 --> 00:07:58,079
Once she stopped throwing a fit,
she was having a blast
176
00:07:58,080 --> 00:08:01,049
and now she loves being pulled
around by shopping carts.
177
00:08:01,050 --> 00:08:02,094
I had to stop her the other day
178
00:08:02,095 --> 00:08:04,042
from hitching a ride with a homeless guy.
179
00:08:04,043 --> 00:08:06,078
Look, guys, you do a really
good job with Hope.
180
00:08:06,079 --> 00:08:08,050
I really don't think there's
anything to worry about.
181
00:08:08,051 --> 00:08:10,028
Well, we can't be too careful.
182
00:08:10,029 --> 00:08:11,092
So, just make everything look okay
183
00:08:11,093 --> 00:08:13,007
until the social worker leaves.
184
00:08:13,008 --> 00:08:14,042
Clean up this room.
185
00:08:16,033 --> 00:08:19,007
Okay, but come on out when you
finish the book of Job.
186
00:08:19,008 --> 00:08:21,999
The Bible will still be
here when you get back.
187
00:08:22,000 --> 00:08:24,041
This may just be an old lady talking,
188
00:08:24,042 --> 00:08:27,078
but your ugly kid looks
an awful lot like an ugly cat.
189
00:08:27,079 --> 00:08:29,028
Okay, Maw Maw, let's go.
190
00:08:29,029 --> 00:08:30,033
You know you're supposed
to be in your room.
191
00:08:30,034 --> 00:08:32,061
Sorry about that.
192
00:08:32,062 --> 00:08:35,074
My son must forgot to lock her door.
193
00:08:35,075 --> 00:08:38,032
She's a little batty, but don't worry.
194
00:08:38,033 --> 00:08:39,092
We never leave her alone with the child.
195
00:08:39,093 --> 00:08:42,057
That's probably a good idea.
196
00:08:42,058 --> 00:08:44,038
- Let me out!
- Settle down!
197
00:08:44,041 --> 00:08:47,049
We have company.
198
00:08:47,050 --> 00:08:49,049
Seriously though, wouldn't it be cool
199
00:08:49,050 --> 00:08:50,094
if I was a
small-town celebrity?
200
00:08:50,095 --> 00:08:52,060
People make fun
of Dancin' Dan and Easter Joe,
201
00:08:52,061 --> 00:08:54,038
but I know for a fact that
Chubby's Burgers gives them
202
00:08:54,039 --> 00:08:56,999
free food if they promise not
to urinate in the parking lot.
203
00:08:57,000 --> 00:08:59,016
I can promise not to do that.
204
00:08:59,017 --> 00:09:01,032
Wha-What is this?
205
00:09:01,033 --> 00:09:02,042
That's trash, toss it.
206
00:09:02,043 --> 00:09:04,024
Ho, ho, ho, nice try.
207
00:09:04,025 --> 00:09:05,998
Come on, it's time
to get rid of this stuff.
208
00:09:05,999 --> 00:09:08,019
I mean, even the social worker
would agree a three-year-old
209
00:09:08,020 --> 00:09:09,090
should not have to be confused by
210
00:09:09,091 --> 00:09:11,062
what are her toys
and what are her daddy's toys.
211
00:09:12,042 --> 00:09:14,028
Well, fine.
212
00:09:14,029 --> 00:09:16,071
You can get rid of a few toys,
but the shirt stays.
213
00:09:16,072 --> 00:09:19,024
Fine, and while we're throwing stuff out,
214
00:09:19,025 --> 00:09:22,029
I am done waking up
next to this every morning.
215
00:09:23,033 --> 00:09:25,046
- Jennifer!
- Maggie!
216
00:09:28,033 --> 00:09:30,049
Here I go.
217
00:09:32,029 --> 00:09:35,049
We are out of marshmallows.
218
00:09:35,050 --> 00:09:38,003
But I did find a piece of taffy.
219
00:09:38,004 --> 00:09:39,088
I'm hypoglycemic.
220
00:09:39,089 --> 00:09:44,028
I have an aunt who has cerebral palsy.
221
00:09:44,029 --> 00:09:47,032
Okay, I'm not sure
what those two things have
222
00:09:47,033 --> 00:09:48,048
to do with each other.
223
00:09:48,049 --> 00:09:50,040
Just someone I know with a disease.
224
00:09:50,041 --> 00:09:52,088
Didn't want you to feel like you
were all alone out there.
225
00:09:52,089 --> 00:09:55,004
Here's our little angel.
226
00:09:56,029 --> 00:09:58,037
That's a little girl.
227
00:09:58,038 --> 00:09:59,062
Where is the little boy?
228
00:10:00,062 --> 00:10:02,038
- Excuse me?
- The complaint is about
229
00:10:02,039 --> 00:10:03,079
a little boy, five years old.
230
00:10:03,080 --> 00:10:06,091
He was seen crowd-surfing
at a Smokey Floyd concert.
231
00:10:07,092 --> 00:10:10,054
That wasn't Hope, that was Jimmy.
232
00:10:20,092 --> 00:10:22,049
That happened 20 years ago.
233
00:10:22,050 --> 00:10:23,096
This is embarrassing.
234
00:10:23,097 --> 00:10:26,003
We're a little behind
because of budget cuts.
235
00:10:26,004 --> 00:10:29,016
You know, last week,
I went to check on a child
236
00:10:29,017 --> 00:10:30,042
who was being kept in a cage
237
00:10:30,043 --> 00:10:33,007
and I found a teenager in a pen.
238
00:10:34,046 --> 00:10:36,050
That better not be
the last piece of taffy.
239
00:10:37,046 --> 00:10:39,092
Maw Maw, no.
240
00:10:39,093 --> 00:10:40,090
Room, room.
241
00:10:40,091 --> 00:10:41,092
Room, room, room.
242
00:10:41,093 --> 00:10:43,021
I'll go nail the window shut.
243
00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:45,621
I'm sorry about that.
244
00:10:45,622 --> 00:10:47,628
But, like I said, we try to keep her away
245
00:10:47,629 --> 00:10:48,642
from the baby as much as possible.
246
00:10:48,643 --> 00:10:49,670
I see that.
247
00:10:49,671 --> 00:10:51,650
We're gonna need to change gears here.
248
00:10:51,651 --> 00:10:54,611
I'm beginning to be a little bit concerned
249
00:10:54,612 --> 00:10:55,646
that you are abusing your grandmother.
250
00:10:55,647 --> 00:10:57,599
Abusing her?
251
00:10:58,662 --> 00:11:00,637
She abuses us.
252
00:11:00,638 --> 00:11:02,645
She gave me a wet willy once
253
00:11:02,646 --> 00:11:03,683
that almost punctured my eardrum.
254
00:11:03,684 --> 00:11:07,637
Her spit has touched my brain.
255
00:11:07,638 --> 00:11:09,628
I couldn't find any nails.
256
00:11:09,629 --> 00:11:11,602
But I broke a bottle on the
ground under the window,
257
00:11:11,603 --> 00:11:12,688
so that should deter her
from jumping out again.
258
00:11:12,689 --> 00:11:16,667
Okay. I'm gonna need
to ask her some questions.
259
00:11:18,633 --> 00:11:21,657
You just had to answer
the door, didn't you?
260
00:11:21,658 --> 00:11:23,642
I could be knee-deep in watching
farmers and plumbers
261
00:11:23,643 --> 00:11:26,607
getting nailed in the face
with big red balls.
262
00:11:26,608 --> 00:11:28,599
Did you hear what you just said?
263
00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:29,633
Not in the mood, Burt.
264
00:11:30,604 --> 00:11:32,691
They shave me when I'm sleeping.
265
00:11:32,692 --> 00:11:36,628
They made me live in
the greenhouse for a week.
266
00:11:36,629 --> 00:11:40,678
They wanted to go through
my poo to look for gold.
267
00:11:40,679 --> 00:11:42,653
She's making us sound crazy.
268
00:11:42,654 --> 00:11:43,692
The lady needs to know
269
00:11:43,693 --> 00:11:46,616
that we love Maw Maw unconventionally.
270
00:11:46,617 --> 00:11:47,673
I think you meant "unconditionally,"
271
00:11:47,674 --> 00:11:49,648
though "unconventionally" kinda works.
272
00:11:49,649 --> 00:11:50,690
You actually stumbled
273
00:11:50,691 --> 00:11:52,648
into saying something kinda clever there.
274
00:11:52,649 --> 00:11:53,683
I did that once before.
275
00:11:53,684 --> 00:11:55,628
Burt, when did I do that?
276
00:11:55,629 --> 00:11:57,628
When your uncle died,
277
00:11:57,629 --> 00:11:59,688
you said we had to go hear his
"last will and tentacle."
278
00:11:59,689 --> 00:12:02,637
Then he actually left
his pet octopus to your cousin.
279
00:12:02,638 --> 00:12:03,683
That's right. That was crazy.
280
00:12:12,638 --> 00:12:14,615
Well, this is all very disturbing.
281
00:12:14,616 --> 00:12:15,644
Look, before you go judging us,
282
00:12:15,645 --> 00:12:16,650
you need to know...
283
00:12:16,651 --> 00:12:18,599
What do I need to know what?
284
00:12:18,600 --> 00:12:19,662
That among other things, she tells me
285
00:12:19,663 --> 00:12:21,687
you threaten to hit her
with a stick in order
286
00:12:21,688 --> 00:12:23,673
to get her to stop playing the piano?
287
00:12:23,674 --> 00:12:25,604
Threaten, not hit.
Threaten to hit.
288
00:12:25,605 --> 00:12:27,637
She says you force her to eat hot sauce.
289
00:12:27,638 --> 00:12:28,645
No, no, no.
290
00:12:28,646 --> 00:12:30,602
I put hot sauce on my arms when it looks
291
00:12:30,603 --> 00:12:31,610
like she's in a biting mood.
292
00:12:31,611 --> 00:12:32,652
If it ends up in her mouth,
293
00:12:32,653 --> 00:12:33,696
that's the price she pays for being nippy.
294
00:12:33,697 --> 00:12:36,599
You wrapped her in plastic
wrap to try to subdue her!
295
00:12:36,600 --> 00:12:37,631
Let me get this straight.
296
00:12:37,632 --> 00:12:38,644
If you wrap somebody in seaweed,
297
00:12:38,645 --> 00:12:39,671
it's a spa treatment,
298
00:12:39,672 --> 00:12:42,624
and you wrap somebody in
Saran wrap, and it's a crime.
299
00:12:42,625 --> 00:12:43,649
Obama!
300
00:12:43,650 --> 00:12:45,602
I have no other choice but to start
301
00:12:45,603 --> 00:12:46,612
a formal investigation.
302
00:12:46,613 --> 00:12:47,688
- What?
- Just fill these out,
303
00:12:47,691 --> 00:12:49,637
Complete the required tasks,
304
00:12:49,638 --> 00:12:52,603
I'll be back in one week
for a second inspection.
305
00:12:52,604 --> 00:12:54,598
If there is not a major
improvement in her treatment,
306
00:12:54,599 --> 00:12:56,621
we will be forced to put
her in a state-run home.
307
00:12:58,642 --> 00:13:00,603
Wherever it says "child,"
308
00:13:00,604 --> 00:13:01,665
could you just put "old person"?
309
00:13:01,666 --> 00:13:02,669
Because I don't feel like going back
310
00:13:02,670 --> 00:13:04,662
to the office for those other forms.
311
00:13:05,671 --> 00:13:08,611
No, you can't do this.
312
00:13:08,612 --> 00:13:10,670
You have no idea what it's like
to deal with her
313
00:13:10,671 --> 00:13:13,611
on a daily basis!
314
00:13:13,612 --> 00:13:15,670
She's crazier
than a face-eating hobo!
315
00:13:15,671 --> 00:13:17,645
Hey! Can you keep it down?
316
00:13:17,646 --> 00:13:19,678
Some of us are trying
to land a plane in there.
317
00:13:19,679 --> 00:13:21,641
I know everyone is nervous,
318
00:13:21,642 --> 00:13:23,641
but hopefully, everyone will be
on the ground
319
00:13:23,642 --> 00:13:25,641
in Minneapolis within the hour.
320
00:13:25,642 --> 00:13:29,599
Please come back and listen to this!
321
00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:31,615
If we didn't
want them to take Maw Maw away,
322
00:13:31,616 --> 00:13:32,683
we had our work cut out for us.
323
00:13:32,684 --> 00:13:36,670
First, we needed to prove we
cared about her health.
324
00:13:36,671 --> 00:13:40,637
This isn't a Tom Jones concert.
It's a doctor's office!
325
00:13:41,671 --> 00:13:44,649
No, no, no, no, no!
326
00:13:44,650 --> 00:13:45,696
That's deep!
That's really deep!
327
00:13:45,697 --> 00:13:47,628
She got me deep!
328
00:13:47,629 --> 00:13:50,661
Maw Maw, you need to see
the doctor for your check-up
329
00:13:50,662 --> 00:13:51,679
or they're gonna take you away.
330
00:13:51,680 --> 00:13:54,666
Good.
I want to go on a vacation.
331
00:13:54,667 --> 00:13:55,671
I think she got a tendon.
332
00:13:55,672 --> 00:13:57,632
My pinky's not working right.
333
00:13:57,633 --> 00:13:59,673
Trust me, you do not want to go
where they are taking you.
334
00:13:59,674 --> 00:14:00,690
Should I get the leash out of the trunk?
335
00:14:00,691 --> 00:14:01,696
No, they said no leashes.
336
00:14:01,697 --> 00:14:05,637
"Number 87: no restraints
of any kind.
337
00:14:05,638 --> 00:14:08,616
"Do not strap the elderly person in bed.
338
00:14:08,617 --> 00:14:10,612
"Do not... " and we assume
this goes without saying...
339
00:14:10,613 --> 00:14:12,661
"put the elderly person
on a leash."
340
00:14:12,662 --> 00:14:15,695
There's a lot of stuff in here.
341
00:14:15,696 --> 00:14:17,673
You know, I heard that old folks homes are
342
00:14:17,674 --> 00:14:18,692
actually really nice nowadays.
343
00:14:18,693 --> 00:14:21,632
Burt, she took care of me my whole life.
344
00:14:21,633 --> 00:14:23,617
I'm not gonna let them take her away.
345
00:14:23,618 --> 00:14:25,603
I owe it to her.
346
00:14:25,604 --> 00:14:27,666
We just got to get her to cooperate.
347
00:14:27,667 --> 00:14:31,620
Maw Maw, if you don't go in
there, they're gonna...
348
00:14:31,621 --> 00:14:33,645
put you in the outhouse
349
00:14:33,646 --> 00:14:35,662
and shock your brains with electricity.
350
00:14:39,621 --> 00:14:41,641
Fine. I'll see the doctor.
351
00:14:41,642 --> 00:14:44,687
But I just know he's gonna
tell me I'm pregnant.
352
00:14:44,688 --> 00:14:48,624
I'm 480 months late.
353
00:14:48,625 --> 00:14:51,624
Once Maw Maw was on board,
things got a little easier.
354
00:14:51,625 --> 00:14:55,616
But not completely easy.
355
00:14:55,617 --> 00:14:58,632
First of all,
I didn't ask you to get naked.
356
00:14:58,633 --> 00:15:01,624
Secondly, this is the waiting room.
357
00:15:01,625 --> 00:15:04,620
Normally we have ways
of keeping her under control,
358
00:15:04,621 --> 00:15:07,611
but the state's kinda got
our hands tied at the moment.
359
00:15:07,612 --> 00:15:08,640
Luckily for us, we knew
360
00:15:08,641 --> 00:15:10,612
a certified elder-care professional,
361
00:15:10,613 --> 00:15:12,641
and she agreed to give us our eight hours
362
00:15:12,642 --> 00:15:13,648
of mandatory old person training.
363
00:15:13,649 --> 00:15:14,679
Topics to avoid:
364
00:15:18,642 --> 00:15:19,638
Topics they enjoy:
365
00:15:24,650 --> 00:15:26,692
Excuse me.
This might be my mother.
366
00:15:28,692 --> 00:15:30,632
Hello?
367
00:15:30,633 --> 00:15:33,633
: Hello...?
368
00:15:35,625 --> 00:15:37,599
Hello?
369
00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:39,628
: Hello?
370
00:15:39,629 --> 00:15:41,599
Hello...?
371
00:15:41,600 --> 00:15:44,641
According to the state,
we couldn't leave Maw Maw alone
372
00:15:44,642 --> 00:15:47,641
during the day, so I had to
take her to work with me.
373
00:15:47,642 --> 00:15:49,658
Maw Maw, Liberace's gay!
374
00:15:51,633 --> 00:15:54,611
And since the lock wasn't allowed,
we had to figure out
375
00:15:54,612 --> 00:15:56,645
a new way to keep track
of Maw Maw at night.
376
00:15:58,658 --> 00:16:01,645
Somehow we needed to convince her
to eat something healthier
377
00:16:01,646 --> 00:16:02,654
than pickles and taffy.
378
00:16:02,655 --> 00:16:04,628
Come on, Maw Maw.
379
00:16:04,629 --> 00:16:06,679
If you don't eat this, they're
gonna take you to a place
380
00:16:06,680 --> 00:16:09,637
where they stick a tube down
your throat and feed you
381
00:16:09,638 --> 00:16:10,642
with a bicycle pump.
382
00:16:14,633 --> 00:16:16,688
It wasn't easy,
383
00:16:16,691 --> 00:16:19,607
But we were doing the best we could.
384
00:16:25,675 --> 00:16:27,633
I got her.
385
00:16:34,683 --> 00:16:36,661
Hey, Easter Joe.
386
00:16:36,662 --> 00:16:38,696
Hey, Scooter-Stroller Guy.
387
00:16:43,662 --> 00:16:44,696
He's...
388
00:16:50,617 --> 00:16:52,637
What beautiful petunias, Maw Maw.
389
00:16:52,638 --> 00:16:54,603
Thank you.
390
00:16:54,604 --> 00:16:56,611
Joan! What?!
391
00:16:56,612 --> 00:16:59,632
I wasn't expecting you until tomorrow.
392
00:16:59,633 --> 00:17:02,624
No, the visitation is today.
393
00:17:02,625 --> 00:17:04,624
That's why I called this morning.
394
00:17:04,625 --> 00:17:07,641
Sorry, we just had such a busy
395
00:17:07,642 --> 00:17:09,661
day of fun senior activities.
396
00:17:09,662 --> 00:17:11,603
Come on in.
397
00:17:11,604 --> 00:17:12,612
Do you like pie?
398
00:17:12,613 --> 00:17:14,620
Maw Maw and I made a banana cream pie
399
00:17:14,621 --> 00:17:15,654
with just a touch of laxatives,
400
00:17:15,655 --> 00:17:17,624
so the trains run on time.
401
00:17:17,625 --> 00:17:19,687
The fox is in the hen house.
402
00:17:19,688 --> 00:17:21,691
Whose socks are on the pet mouse?
403
00:17:21,692 --> 00:17:23,612
They're coming in.
404
00:17:26,612 --> 00:17:27,661
Hey!
405
00:17:27,662 --> 00:17:29,620
Where'd you get that shirt?
406
00:17:29,621 --> 00:17:30,692
In the Dumpster behind the grocery store.
407
00:17:30,693 --> 00:17:33,632
I like it because it says,
"I'm whimsical,"
408
00:17:33,633 --> 00:17:35,623
but acknowledges that me and my penis
409
00:17:35,624 --> 00:17:36,658
aren't always on the same page.
410
00:17:36,659 --> 00:17:39,624
I can't believe you threw it away.
411
00:17:39,625 --> 00:17:40,683
Dancin' Dan gets to wear
that shirt, but I don't?
412
00:17:40,684 --> 00:17:42,637
I mean, how is that fair?
413
00:17:42,638 --> 00:17:45,603
I don't know. Dancin' Dan will
not be sleeping with me tonight,
414
00:17:45,604 --> 00:17:46,690
will you, Dancin' Dan?
415
00:17:46,691 --> 00:17:48,683
I think your first statement
answered you subsequent question,
416
00:17:48,684 --> 00:17:51,641
but if you insist on rubbing it in, no.
417
00:17:51,642 --> 00:17:54,645
So, will we be spending
the evening together
418
00:17:54,646 --> 00:17:57,629
or are you with stupid?
419
00:18:01,671 --> 00:18:03,633
Enjoy the shirt, Dan.
420
00:18:05,633 --> 00:18:08,603
So, in addition to the doctor visits,
421
00:18:08,604 --> 00:18:10,627
we've stocked the fridge
with all kinds of fruits
422
00:18:10,628 --> 00:18:12,696
and vegetables so Maw Maw can
have a balanced diet.
423
00:18:12,697 --> 00:18:16,603
And you see we have all
kinds of healthy juices:
424
00:18:16,604 --> 00:18:20,624
Cran-Apple, Cran-Grape,
Cran-Banana.
425
00:18:20,625 --> 00:18:22,667
If a cranberry has had sex
with it, we've got it.
426
00:18:22,668 --> 00:18:24,624
Very good.
427
00:18:24,625 --> 00:18:27,695
I'm a big Cran fan myself.
428
00:18:27,696 --> 00:18:30,607
There is no longer a lock on her door,
429
00:18:30,608 --> 00:18:32,624
no glass outside her window,
430
00:18:32,625 --> 00:18:34,678
and she's no longer shackled
to the radiator.
431
00:18:34,679 --> 00:18:36,631
You didn't know about that, did you?
432
00:18:36,632 --> 00:18:37,679
Never happened.
433
00:18:37,680 --> 00:18:40,599
The point is, she's free to come and go
434
00:18:40,600 --> 00:18:41,650
as she wishes, as you will see.
435
00:18:41,651 --> 00:18:44,666
And lastly, because she likes
to just sit in her room
436
00:18:44,667 --> 00:18:47,603
and read... that is,
when we aren't taking turns
437
00:18:47,604 --> 00:18:49,631
giving her hugs... one of
the hardest things for us
438
00:18:49,632 --> 00:18:51,683
to figure out was how
to get her to exercise more.
439
00:18:58,662 --> 00:19:00,607
A motion detector on the light...
440
00:19:00,608 --> 00:19:01,667
that's very clever.
441
00:19:01,668 --> 00:19:04,611
Thanks!
442
00:19:04,612 --> 00:19:05,633
Someone else invented the sensor.
443
00:19:05,634 --> 00:19:08,637
We-We just installed it. Yeah.
444
00:19:08,638 --> 00:19:11,657
It's a lot spookier when you go
out to the garage now,
445
00:19:11,658 --> 00:19:14,638
but Maw Maw's worth it.
446
00:19:14,639 --> 00:19:15,662
I've gotta hand it to you.
447
00:19:15,663 --> 00:19:17,670
You've really turned things around.
448
00:19:17,671 --> 00:19:20,678
Well, it wasn't easy, but
we just love her so much,
449
00:19:20,679 --> 00:19:23,607
we can't imagine not
having her here with us.
450
00:19:23,608 --> 00:19:25,653
Plus, I don't want you to shock my brain.
451
00:19:25,654 --> 00:19:26,640
Excuse me?
452
00:19:27,697 --> 00:19:28,695
Okay.
453
00:19:28,696 --> 00:19:30,640
She didn't understand what we meant
454
00:19:30,641 --> 00:19:32,650
when we said the state would
take her away, so...
455
00:19:33,667 --> 00:19:36,628
To get her to cooperate,
we just kinda had to...
456
00:19:36,629 --> 00:19:39,620
imblemish the truth a little.
457
00:19:39,621 --> 00:19:41,638
- Really?
- They told me about you.
458
00:19:41,641 --> 00:19:45,632
They said you were gonna
dip my feet in custard
459
00:19:45,633 --> 00:19:47,633
and feed 'em to wild hogs.
460
00:19:48,621 --> 00:19:50,632
We had to tell her that
461
00:19:50,633 --> 00:19:53,628
so she would put her shoes back
on at Salad Plantation.
462
00:19:55,600 --> 00:19:56,667
You're an evil woman.
463
00:19:56,668 --> 00:19:58,632
No, I'm not. I'm really not.
464
00:19:58,633 --> 00:20:01,599
I care a great deal
about you, Barbara June.
465
00:20:01,600 --> 00:20:03,688
Then why do you want me
to run in a giant hamster wheel
466
00:20:03,689 --> 00:20:05,657
to power your model train set?
467
00:20:05,658 --> 00:20:08,674
No one is going to do anything bad to you.
468
00:20:08,675 --> 00:20:11,637
These people have been lying.
So I'd like you
469
00:20:11,638 --> 00:20:13,628
to go ahead and pack a bag.
470
00:20:13,629 --> 00:20:15,624
And I'm gonna take you somewhere
471
00:20:15,625 --> 00:20:17,637
where you're going to be much happier.
472
00:20:17,638 --> 00:20:20,695
Goody! I'm going
on a trip! Whoo!
473
00:20:20,696 --> 00:20:22,657
You can't do that!
474
00:20:22,658 --> 00:20:24,620
We did what you told us to!
475
00:20:24,621 --> 00:20:25,623
And in doing so,
476
00:20:25,624 --> 00:20:26,679
you replaced physical abuse
with mental abuse.
477
00:20:26,680 --> 00:20:29,616
Mental abuse?
Is that even a thing?
478
00:20:29,617 --> 00:20:30,677
First of all, you're the only one
479
00:20:30,678 --> 00:20:32,660
who ever said we were
physically abusing her,
480
00:20:32,661 --> 00:20:34,646
and we're just doing what we need to do
481
00:20:34,647 --> 00:20:37,645
to get her to do the things
on your stupid list!
482
00:20:37,646 --> 00:20:39,599
You bureaucratic cat-dropper!
483
00:20:39,600 --> 00:20:40,644
I wish I knew more about you
484
00:20:40,645 --> 00:20:42,638
so I could come up with a better insult!
485
00:20:42,639 --> 00:20:44,650
Actually, that one cut right to the bone!
486
00:20:55,642 --> 00:20:57,633
I can't believe they took her.
487
00:21:01,604 --> 00:21:03,679
Tune in next week for more skin...
488
00:21:06,646 --> 00:21:07,669
more action...
489
00:21:10,692 --> 00:21:13,683
and more PG-13 violence.
490
00:21:15,688 --> 00:21:18,624
And tell your friends to watch, too.
491
00:21:18,625 --> 00:21:21,625
A lot of people worked
really hard on this thing.
492
00:21:23,626 --> 00:21:28,626
== sync, corrected by Martzy ==
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493
00:21:29,000 --> 00:21:32,147
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