All language subtitles for I.Feel.Bad.S01E13.WEBRip.x264-ION10.eng

- In our family, we have
a long tradition

of planning
wonderful vacations,

cancelling them the day
our deposit becomes

non-refundable,
and leaving the kids

bitterly disappointed.

- Is this puberty?

- I'll be unpacking.

- Hey, you guys?

So the doctor says Mom has
to be on bed-rest,

so we're not gonna be able
to go to Orlando.

- No, now we'll never meet
the Sorting Hat.

- I'll be unpacking
my Quidditch equipment.

- But all that's
about to change.

It's happening!
I'm taking the family

on an all-inclusive
fun-filled getaway to--

- Uh-uh, you're not
going anywhere.

- What?
- Yeah, read your email.

Your "Asako: Warrior Geisha"
game is getting fast-tracked

for release at Comic-Con.

- That's right!

Tristram, tell her
what she's won!

- Eight months
of uninterrupted work!

That's right!
You'll see such

breathtaking scenes
as the conference room

and me alternating
the same two pairs of jeans

hoping you don't notice!

- Ugh, you guys, why do I have
to be so damn good at my job?

- Damon says until the work
is finished, all vacations

are suspended
unless someone's dead.

- Yeah, well, someone will be,
'cause my kids

are gonna kill me.

- They're not gonna kill you.

No, they'll just
resent you forever

and the pain of that
will kill you.

Look at my babies,

so unaware that I'm about
to drop a guillotine

on their vacation.

Hey, guys, listen.

Um, something happened.

Look, I am so sorry--
we can't go

on that vacation right now.

- No!

You guys are having
another baby?

Come on, control yourselves!
- No, Louie...

Lily, honey, I am so sorry.

- "NP."
- Excuse me?

Did you just answer
in two letters?

- Yeah.
"No problem."

I kind of wanted to go to
Gemma's karaoke party anyway,

so "NBD."

- Did you see that?
She wasn't even disappointed.

- Oh, no, she sounded
a little relieved.

- Come on, I thought we had
a lot more time with her

before she wanted nothing
to do with us.

- You know what, maybe not.

The other day I saw her
attempt a hair flip.

I mean, when she masters that
we are done.

- Why does everything bad
happen to us?

- Auntie Rita is dead.

- Well, leave it to your mom
to one-up our misery.

- Poor Rita Auntie.

Gone too soon.
Why?

- Uh, maybe because she was 98
and dipped tobacco

like a relief pitcher.

You know, Rita Auntie
was pretty mean.

She cursed our wedding.

Look, Mom, I'm sorry.

I'm sure there will be
a memorial service.

How long will you be gone?

Because we do have
child-care issues.

- You're coming, too.

Our entire extended family
will be there--

including my judgmental sister.

- Ugh.
- If Uncle Rajiv can come

from Mumbai, you can take
the short drive

to the Las Brisas Resort
in Santa Barbara.

- Okay, look, Mom, my boss
was very firm--

wait, did you say
"Santa Barbara?"

Hold up.

Stella's about to get
her grieve back.

Oh, God, it just all happened
so fast.

- I'm so sorry.

- I know this is terrible,
but life is short,

- You know, I had an aunt die
suddenly once.

Staph infection
from a "No Regrets" tattoo.

Boy was that tattoo wrong,

because she certainly had
one regret.

- That's sad.

Anyway, listen, I know this is
just such horrible timing,

and this "Asako" project
means so much to me--

- Oh, Emet, say no more.

Go to the memorial.
Be with your family.

Heck, maybe your Aunt Rita

will find my Aunt Tiff
up there, huh?

- Yeah.
- I bet she's still in

the crop-top she died in.

Umm-kay.

Repack your bags, playa,
'cause the family vacay

is back on!

At Rita Auntie's memorial.

Hmm?

- We're so sorry
about your aunt.

You know, let us know
if there's anything

we can do to help.
- Oh, thank you.

Actually, there is.

Um, could you just house-sit?

I forgot to arrange anything
because I've been so bereft.

- Sweetie, does this wetsuit
leave too little

to the imagination?
I'm feeling really squished--

- A wetsuit?

Oh, my God, are you using
this lady's death

as a family vacation?

- So long, suckas.

- Sweetie,
is what we're doing okay?

'Cause it does feel
a little bit wrong.

- Honey, it's a lot wrong,
but the kids are so excited--

even Lily--so let's just
enjoy this.

I mean, I want to get in
as much preteen

Mommy-daughter time as I can
before it's too late.

- Okay, but can we risk them
finding out this is a memorial?

Louie's so afraid of death
we have to tell him

that cemeteries are rock farms.

- Yeah, I know, but that's why
we're not telling them.

Oh, come on, we can hide this.

They're kids, they're stupid.

Also, did I mention
that Rita Auntie's family

is paying for the hotel rooms?

- Interesting.
So what you're saying

is it would be rude to not go.

- That is exactly
what I'm saying.

And you know, if there's
one thing Rita Auntie hated

it was rudeness.

And interracial marriage.

So, screw her.
Let's do it.

- Mom, you were right.
This place is awesome.

- See?
- I'm making our itinerary.

Tea room, candy shop,
and then we're gonna top it off

with spa treatments.

- We gonna get turnt!

- Mom, you always use
"turnt" wrong.

- Nuh-uh.

Halfway through our massages
we gonna get turnt.

- Come on, Lily, let's go
check out the hotel's policy

on cannonballs.
I'm not leaving without

dropping a big one.

- Oh, honey, Lily's holding
Louie's hand.

See, if we hadn't
done this trip, we would have

missed out on those last
childhood moments.

- Hey, you want to go
to the room and use

all the towels?

Throw them on the floor
for housekeeping?

- Oh, no laundry.

- Oh, break it up, perverts.

A woman is dead.

Here's your memorial itinerary.

Today there is a slide show,
poetry reading,

balloon release,
and candle-lighting.

- Wait, we have to go
to all of this?

- Yes.
We will be under the watchful

cataract-ridden eye
of my sister.

- Damn it.
- Well, at least the kids

can enjoy the balloon release.

- No, they cannot.
We are not telling them

anyone died, especially Louie.

- Oh.
You know, I found out

about death when I was
a lot younger than Louie.

I was playing hide and seek
with my cousin.

I seeked and I found
a dead body.

Okey-dokey, I'm gonna get
some lobby coffee.

- Okay.
- This memorial's

a real bummer.
- Yeah.

- What do you think
you are here for?

Fun?
- Uh, no.

No, of course not.
- Here's your luggage, folks.

- Here's your luggage, folks.

And, sir, we found your
inflatable saxophone.

- What?
That is not our luggage.

- How dare you, sir?

A woman is dead!

- All right, Norman--
okay, you water the plants.

Chewey, check on
the sprinklers.

I'm gonna scrounge around,
see if I can find some secrets.

- I love the flow
of this kitchen.

You know, the zen-ergy.

I have an idea.

- We Airbnb this place
and use the cash

to finally track down my father

and confront him
once and for all.

- No, Chewey--and please call
that therapist I recommended.

I think I should cook up some
of my killer lobster risotto.

You guys are like family to me
but we've never had

a real sit-down dinner
together.

- Whatever, I'll eat.
Could we watch some TV first?

- Fine.
One show before dinner.

- Yes.
- One!

And nothing that's gonna
rile you up too much!

- Get back!
I'm on first!

- You either share
or no one sits!

- Mom, I don't mean
to be a control freak,

but the sign to the pool
is pointing that way.

- Yeah, listen, um,
about that--

Mommy and Daddy just need
to do some grown-up stuff

so we just need you guys
to hang out at the kids' club.

- Mom, remember?

We're supposed to go
to the spa!

- I know, honey,
and we will, okay?

We just need--what--
20 minutes tops, okay?

- Okay, let's go.

Get 'em!
- So much fun!

- If she's even one minute late
I'm gonna start

calling her "Emet"
instead of "Mom."

Y'all ready to grieve?

No, but seriously,
this is, like, a really bummer

of a situation.

I'd like to remember
Rita Auntie by listing

50 things I loved about her.

Number one...
- Oh, my God.

- Her smile.

You can barely even tell
it's there.

- Okay, we're trapped.
- I know we are.

My mom's keeping an eye on me.

And her sister, Rani Auntie,
she's keeping an eye on her.

They're like a couple of old,
judgmental Indian hawks.

Meanwhile, I'm losing out
on precious time with Lily.

- Number four, the fact
that she had

quarter-inch thick toenails,

but did not give an "F."

She's getting a tissue.

My mom's eyes are blurry
with tears.

Now's the time.
Let's ditch her.

- That's not to say she didn't
like life, but...

I guess we'll never know.

Emet, David!

You must want to pay tribute
to Rita Auntie.

Come on up here.

- I can't believe Mom
tricked me into thinking

this trip would be fun.

We have to bust out
of here somehow

but that guy's guarding
the door.

- I have an idea.

Follow my lead.

This is gonna hurt me
a lot more than it hurts you.

Poop in the pit!
Poop in the pit!

Poop in the pit!

- Rita Auntie.

What to say.

She was...

a woman...
- Mm.

- Who lived.

Now she's gone.

Help me.

Uh, I think David
would really like

to say something.

♪ Somewhere

♪ Out there

♪ Beneath the pale moonlight

both: ♪ Someone's

♪ Thinking of me

- Louie, that was brilliant.

What would we have done if
you didn't have that candy bar?

- Honey, don't go
snooping around

where you don't want answers.

- Hey, look,
they're wearing white.

That's the Indian
funeral color.

Hey, isn't that one
of Mom's old aunts?

"Memorial"?

That means "dead."

both: ♪ Sleeping underneath

♪ The same big

And just like Rita Auntie,
our vacation is now dead.

- You brought us
on a death vacation?

- Okay, we have
a good explanation--

- Wait a minute.

Is there a dead woman
in this building?

both: No.
- Uh-uh, baby.

- No.
- Then was does

"spread the beloved's ashes"
mean?

- It means they burned her.

They put her in a little bowl
and they're going to toss her.

Nope, that's it.

You've ruined vacation!

Now whenever I think
of canonballs, I'm gonna

picture a dead lady in a bowl!

If you need me, I'm gonna be
in the ball pit

fishing out my candy bar.

- Aww, honey, that's not
a great--

- I can't believe I'm missing
Gemma's party,

and I'm not even getting
to spend time with you.

See you later, Emet.

- "Emet"?
Oh, my God, and that hair flip

was flawless.
- Yeah.

- What the hell
were you thinking

with that singing?

Rita Auntie must be
turning over in her urn.

- Yeah, can you yell
at us later?

Louie is freaking out
about death.

I have to get him through this.
- Yeah.

- Oh, I--I'll come, too.

I like a good train wreck.

Except for the one
that killed my uncle.

- All right, come on, Jake.

Let's find you a nice auntie
for you to hang out with.

- Okay, Mom, I gotta go
find Lily and salvage

what's left of this vaca--

Vacancy in my heart.
- I knew it.

You thought you could pull
the wool over my ass, huh?

- "Eyes," Mom.
- Whatever.

I know that you're using
this memorial as a vacation,

so now your ass is grass.

Did I use it right that time?

- Yes.

- Hey, Norman,
what do you think?

- I think you both might have
adult ADHD.

- Hey, listen, I'm gonna run
to the store for some wine.

When the egg timer goes off,
I need you two

to stir the risotto.

Got it?

- Okay, relax,
Barefoot Contessa.

We got it.

So what should we do next?

What's that annoying noise?
- I dunno.

Hey, wanna take this guy
outside and find a squirrel?

- Yeah!
- Bad boy coming out!

- Be careful with it.
- I'm fine with it, watch.

- Hey, big guy.
Can I join you?

Oh.

- I'm not gonna lie,
I'm having

an existential Christmas
right now.

I mean, when you die
they just squish you

into an urn?

- Yeah.

Well, this is a major
life moment.

Uh...

oh, good, a musical instrument.

Um, look at this big guy.

Yeah.

♪ Death happens to everyone

♪ You may be old

♪ You may be

Nope.

Sorry.

♪ There's no exception,
I won't lie ♪

♪ Everyone in this room

♪ Will someday die

No.

♪ Oh, death got you
like irie ♪

That's just not
the right death beat.

What's the point

of doing anything
if at any moment you, me,

or anyone I love
could just be gone?

- Tell you what
the point is, Lou.

Turn--turn around.
Look at this ball pit.

Really look at it.

If you were to dwell
on all the terrible,

disgusting things
in that ball pit,

you'd never jump in.

And if you never jump in
you're gonna miss out

on something fun and beautiful.

Your dad's right.

You enjoy the ball pit of life.

Whenever you get the chance,
jump in.

- I think I understand.
- Yeah?

- Yeah.
Thanks, Dad.

Thanks, Grandpa.

- I feel better.

Now can I go in the ball pit?
- What, are you kidding?

No, it's disgusting.

Let's get out of here.

- How could you be so selfish
that you'd risk

embarrassing us in front
of our whole family?

- You want to know
the truth, Mom?

Lily's growing up so fast.

I just felt like this was
the last family vacation

I get with that little girl
who thinks I'm the greatest.

- Aww.

I don't blame you.

Pretty soon she'll be
a busy career girl

and she won't want
to hang out with you at all.

- Wait, you really think that's
how I feel about you?

- Why, all these
memorial events remind me

that someday I'll be gone,
and I want to have

a little time
with my daughter, too.

Maybe that's really why
I wanted you

to come here with me.

- That's actually very sweet.

- Oh, calm down, Bette Midler.

This isn't "Beaches."

- Look, Mom, I want time
with you, too.

So how about you help me pull
the wool over everyone's ass

so we can have a fun
family vacation?

- Okay.
I'm in, man.

But my sister can't find out
what we are up to

or I'll never hear
the end of it.

You don't know what it's like
to be constantly criticized.

- Okay, I'm gonna let
that one slide.

A woman is dead.

Let's find Lily.
- I'm right here.

I realized I can't get far
on only five

Kid's Club dollars.
- Yeah.

Tell you what?

I've got adult dollars,
and we're gonna make this

the best vacation ever.

Well, since I had kids.

The ones before were epic.

- There you are, slowpokes.

Hurry, you're gonna miss
the shuttle.

The driver's schedule
is as tight as his ass.

Yum.

Oh, hey, Lily.

- We're never getting
that vacation, are we?

- Not with my irritating family
stuck to our butts.

- Hey, you guys,
I know somebody

who can get us out of this.

Come on.

- Oh, my God!

both: Surprise!

- Oh, that's what
that noise was.

- What?
- I asked you guys

to do one thing--
stir the risotto--

and you didn't do it!

All I wanted for tonight was
a nice meal with my friends!

- Whatever, man.

We'll just get some
Subway footlongs.

Spicy Italian on a honey wheat?

That's America's risotto.

- You know, this has been
our dynamic for years.

You two do dumb crap
without any consideration

for me or my effort.

I'm sick of it!

- Oh, no, Mummy's mad.

No, we've spoiled Mummy's
special dinner.

- Mommy is mad,
and Mommy's also stronger

than both of you combined!

- Screw this!

- Oh, hey, hi!

- You're here.

Okay, so it's just
a short bus ride

followed by a long hike.

And David, just a heads-up,
I'm gonna need you

to piggyback an auntie.

- Oh, looking forward to that.

Louie, I don't know
what your plan is.

It better work.
- It will work.

Mom, hand me that yogurt
you keep in your purse

for Jake.
- What?

Is now really the time
for a snack?

- Let the man work.

Okay.

all: Oh!

- Oh, I--I'm sorry.

I--I'm so sorry.

- I should have probably
checked with Louie

about what his plan was.

Oh, honey, are you okay?

Oh, guys, I'm sorry.

Louie's sick.
I think we're gonna have

to sit this one out.

- I think you should.

Kids are gross.

- Booyah, suckers.
You been Yo-Played.

See ya.

- And just like that,
Louie had fake-barfed life

back into our trip.

When I say "vacay"
you say "tion"!

Vacay!
all: "Tion"!

- Vacay!
all: "Tion"!

- Get in that pool!
- Oh, no.

- When I say "humilia"
you say "tion."

- I--I thought you guys
were on the shuttle.

- Change of plans.

There was a severe
weather warning at the bluffs.

But the hotel was nice enough
to close down the pool

for our candle ceremony.

Wait, I thought Louie was sick?

Why are y'all in swimsuits?

- No!
The pool is closed?

I hate this vacation!

- No, no, no, Louie, Louie!
- "Vacation"?

You dirt people are using
this memorial as a vacation?

- Uh, no, of course not.

No, no, no.
What he meant was--

- Dad, Grandpa,
this is for you.

I'm living "la vida Louie."

Canonball!

- Okay, okay, look.

I can see where some
might find that canonball...

disrespectful, but--
but it wasn't.

Because...

it's a tribute to Rita Auntie.

Yeah.
And to her whole life,

and to our lives!

Because...

there's never enough time.

There's never enough moments
to enjoy the people

that we love.

And I know that you all feel
the same way

'cause our kids are growing up.

And our--and our parents
are getting older,

and I still haven't read
"Gone Girl" so...

Come on.

You know, we're here.

We're alive!

There's a pool!

So let's all make a memory...

so incredible...

we stop time, baby!

Canonball!

- Emet!

Whoo!

All right, I...

Kind of expected everyone
to just follow me

into the pool
"Braveheart" style.

- Yeah, I knew they weren't
with you, but you had

a lot of momentum going, so...

- Raise hands, those who'd
like a towel.

Leave me alone.

I just want to sleep.
- Just look, open your eyes.

- Okay, but we thought about
what you said, and we have

something we want to show you.

Ta-da!
We made dinner.

- You guys did this for me?
- Yeah!

- Look, man, the truth is,
we never realized

that all this time
during our friendship that, uh,

you could totally beat the crap
out of both of us.

- And yet, you didn't.

Even when we really
deserved it.

- You're right.

You really did deserve it.

- Mommy!

- Just kidding.

Thank you.
- Yeah, come on.

- Hey, not to be all mushy
or whatever,

but, uh, this is nice.

- Hey, remember back in the day
when we contemplated

being roomies?

- Oh, should we do it?
I'm in.

- I'm in, too!
- Well, uh, neither of you

have flushed the toilet
since we've been here, so pass.

- Eh, that's a valid point.

- I'll flush the toilet.
- I'll flush your toilet.

- Harmless gag.

- Hey, Lil, listen--
I know this wasn't

the vacation I promised, or...

even a vacation.

I just wanted to get away
with you before

it was too late.

- What do you mean?

- You know, people are always

saying things like,
"Once your daughter's

a teenager, she won't
like you anymore."

- Mom, that's crazy.
I love you.

And why do you listen
to people who tell you

bad things are gonna happen?

- I don't know.

I'm dumb.
- Yeah.

- There's grief in watching
your child grow up--

a sadness in saying goodbye
to who she was--

but there's also a joy
as you meet the person

she's becoming,
and that person's

pretty wonderful.

But she needs to stop

stealing my fries.
Yeah.

- Good news!

My sister says
we are no longer welcome

at any more memorial events.

- No, no, no!

That means we've been shunned!

When I say "vacay"
you say "shunned."

Vacay!
all: "Shunned!"

- Vacay!
all: "Shunned!"

- Vacay!
all: "Shunned!"

- I wish I could freeze
this moment in time,

or at least slow it down.

But I can't.

All I can do is enjoy it
before it fades away.

- Hey, everybody.

Back by popular demand...
- Oh, no.

- Cannonball!

- Eww.
- Oh!

- Louie already made a mess!

- Yeah, I can't wait
for them to move out.