All language subtitles for I.Feel.Bad.S01E12.WEBRip.x264-ION10.eng

- I always know what my mom
is thinking,

because she tells me.

- Do you want me to call FEMA
to help with this disaster

you call a living room?
- Okay.

But my dad is a mystery to me.

No matter what you ask,
he always answers

in short, vague phrases.
He's like a Magic 8-Ball.

- Hey, Dad, how you feeling?
- Okie dokie.

- How's retirement
treating you?

- Great.
- Quick question.

Do you believe
in life after death?

- Ask again later.

- Our dynamic has worked
just fine

for 40-somethin' years,
until now.

See, Dad's been acting
kind of strange lately,

and because he's
so closed-mouthed,

I have no way
of finding out why.

Hey, honey, do you think
something's wrong with my dad?

- Yes, he's married to
the Mother of Dragons.

- No, I just mean that he's
been kind of spacey lately,

and he's never dressed
like that before.

What's with that shirt?
And those socks?

- You know, your mom did
mention that he forgot to

show up for a dinner with
their friends last night,

Maybe he was rummaging
around in the attic,

and found a parrot costume.

- Okay, he just bit into
an orange

like it's an apple.
I am officially freaking out.

- Maybe that's an Indian thing.
- What? It's not, I'm Indian.

Have you ever seen me
do that before?

- Sweetie, you're not
Indian Indian.

You weren't born in India.
- Okay.

You should be very glad
that our family

does not have an HR person.
- Sweetie, I don't mean to

alarm you, but your dad
is getting older,

and sometimes,
when people get older,

they get more eccentric.
My Aunt Muriel?

With the cowboy hat?

The woman's never been
on a horse.

- David's right.
My dad is getting older,

and I don't even
really know him.

I wish I could connect
with him

before I'm connecting him
to life support.

- So what did you get up to
this weekend, Griff?

- Video games,
Grandma's funeral.

- Oh, damn.

What'd you play?
- It's a new game.

It's in beta.
- Wait, that's all you're

gonna say about your
grandmother's funeral?

- Well, what do you
want to know?

I covered all the bases.
- Why don't men open up?

- First of all, we don't have
as many holes as you, but--

- Oh, God,
somebody else answer.

- I got this.
So the image of the strong,

silent male is a fallacy
created by Western civilization

to justify the distance
of the remote father-god.

- That holes theory is starting
to sound pretty good now, huh?

- It's just--
my dad's getting older,

and he's just not acting
like himself lately.

Maybe I've just missed the
chance to really know him.

- What's he been doing?
- Dressing fancy for no reason.

Oh, and the other day,
he had plans

with my mom,
and just never showed up.

Part of me is worried.
I mean, maybe these

are the first signs of--
- Banging someone else?

- What?
Ew, no.

- I have to agree with Griff.
When my father cheated,

he started wearing
fancy clothes.

I thought we were going
to a play.

It turns out the real drama
was inside the house.

- Okay, guys, stop.
He's not having an affair.

He's not the kind of man
that would do that.

- Are you sure?
I mean, you just said

you don't really know him.

- This is getting really heavy.
I got to go anyways.

Gotta scatter Granny's ashes.
Later, skaters.

- All right, have fun.
- Oh. Kay--

Are the guys right?
Is my dad capable

of stepping out on my mom?

- Hello, Mr. Tongs.

Madame Corkscrew,
we meet at last.

- Yeah, this guy is not
having sex with anybody.

Wait, he's drinking wine?

My dad only drinks wine

when he's trying
to impress white people.

- Oh, fruity, spicy.

And what a body, hm?

- David, David, come here.

Do you think that
my dad's acting weird

because he's having an affair?

- Come on.
What would make you say that?

- ♪ Oh, the last time
I felt like this ♪

♪ I was falling in love
- Wow.

- Yeah.
- Okay, you know what,

let's not jump
to any conclusions.

This is a man who left
halfway through a haircut

because a shampoo lady's boob
grazed his head.

- You're right.

He's never done a
questionable thing in his life.

I should trust him.

But I won't,
'cause maybe he got

a taste of head boob,

and he's hungry for more.

Is he wearing
new Hush Puppies?

Oh, his ass
is up to something.

Damn it.

Okay, okay, okay, I know
what this looks like, but--

Wait, why am I
defending myself?

You're spying on my dad, too!
- I'm not spying on your dad.

I am spying on you 'cause I
could tell when I was said

"don't do anything,"
your mouth was saying "okay,"

but your eyes
were saying " you."

- Okay, all right, just get in
before you blow our cover.

- Oh, we're going undercover?
- Yes.

- I like it.
I can do that.

- Wait, what is he doing?
Is he buying flowers?

- Yeah.
- My dad doesn't buy flowers.

He steals them
from neighbors' yards.

- I'm not getting a good read.
Give me the binoculars.

- I don't have binoculars.

- What?
You call yourself a detective?

- No, I didn't
call myself a detective.

It sounds like you're
calling yourself a detective.

- Yes, we are
partner detectives.

The sexual tension is crazy.

I mean, this could spin
into role-play later, right?

- No, David, we're not
going to be sexy detectives.

Now, listen.
Get out of the car,

head to the gyro stand so
we can keep eyes on the perp.

- That cop talk is hot.

- No, we got to go.
- Okay.

- But let's
circle back to this.

- Yeah.

- Come on, come on.

- He just spent
60 bucks on roses.

- Okay, maybe they're
for my mom.

- No way, man.
Those are mistress roses.

Wife roses cost five bucks
from Trader Joe's.

- Okay, listen.
This'll be easy to figure out.

If my mom gets those flowers
later, everything's good.

And if she doesn't,
then she'll be destroyed

and probably
move in with us forever.

David and I
had carefully orchestrated

the most subtle way to broach
the topic of flowers.

- So, Maya,
get any flowers lately or...?

- That was not it.
God, he sucks at this.

- No, thank God.

Flowers are for bees
and dead people.

- It's true, she says
flowers are just plants

that are showing off.
- And there's our answer.

The flowers
weren't for my mom.

This sweet woman
is being cheated on,

and so late in life.

Hey, Mommy?
You doing okay?

Is there anything
I can do for you?

- Do you have any Pellegrino

to wash down
your chalky meatloaf?

- No.
- Then why you bothering me?

- Maya, let me see if I can
find you something fizzy, okay?

Emet, could you give me
a little help in the kitchen?

- Oh, let's get something
to drink.

- Is there any juice in here?
- Nope, nothing.

- Okay.
- We have to do something.

- Yes, we do. We have to
stop meddling right now.

- What?
- It is--it is wrong.

It is their marriage.

It is their problem
to work out.

You got to promise me you're
not gonna follow him anymore.

I mean, who knows?

Maybe this is okay
with your mom.

Maybe they have
an open relationship.

- Oh, thank you for
that soothing thought.

I'm gonna go wash down
a pill with a glass of wine.

- Hey, you guys,
you were right.

My dad may be having an affair.
- Yes, we're always right.

- What are you doing?
Hey, hey, stop dancing.

Focus, listen to me.
So I promised David

that I would not
follow my dad anymore,

but I never said anything
about cyber-stalking.

So help me out, creeps.
- Well, if your dad's cheating,

he's down for more cheating.

His scumbag window
is wide open.

- Repulsive, continue.
- What you gotta do

is a little something
called catfishing.

You know what that is?
What you do is you create

a fake profile
of some hot older babe,

and then, you lure your dad in
with some sexy talk.

- Oh, that's good.
- Mm-hmm.

- Okay, okay, okay,
let me try this.

Uh, I am Claire--
- Yes.

- St. Croix!
- Nice, she sounds filthy.

- She sounds like a dead nun.
- Okay, whatever, nerd.

This is happening.
Okay, Claire St. Croix

is a 60-something buxom widow

who just joined my dad's
active senior group.

Friendship request sent.

Oh, God, I want to throw up.

Bam. Okay!

What?
He accepted already?

God, my dad is a slut.

- Okay, let me
take the wheel here.

- Okay, yeah, I'll dictate.
Let me get in the mindset

of a buxom widow.
Uh, okay, okay.

Howdy, the passing of

my husband has left
my heart as heavy

as my breasts.

Oh, my God, no.

That is weird.
- So relax, heavy boobs.

Claire already
sent your daddy a message.

- What?
You did?

"You are cute.
Are you single?

Would you like to go to
winky-face dinner?"

Winky-face, Griff?

My God, my dad is
a distinguished, classy man.

He's not going to fall
for some dumb winky--

Oh, my God, he's replying.

Okay, tell me what he said.
No, don't tell me what he said.

- Don't worry, okay?
He said he's flattered,

but he loves
his beautiful wife, Maya.

See, this is the your dad
that I know.

And he said
he'll chat with you later.

He's got to go to art class,
and he sent a copy

of a painting that he did in
case Claire wants to sign up.

- Huh?
- Seniors get 20% off.

- The roses he bought!
Oh!

He wasn't having an affair.

Wait, he painted that?
And he's taking an art class?

I mean, I'm an artist,
and he never even mentioned

that he was interested
in those things.

Okay, you know what, move over.
- Yeah.

- I can catfish my own dad.

So Claire St. Croix started
having the kind of amazing,

profound conversation with my
father that I never could.

Turns out that art class
made him feel alive again.

That's why he was
dressing colorfully,

daydreaming,
and drinking wine.

- Hey, we're going to head out.
- Huh?

Oh, guys, listen to this.

My dad studied art in India,
and he loved Kandinsky, too.

That's my favorite artist, but
we've never talked about it.

- Well, we'll just leave you

to fall head over heels
for your own dad.

- You know this is all
really weird?

And that's coming from me.
- Okay.

- Oh.

- My dad and Claire are
talking about their marriages.

Claire's husband was killed by
a foul ball at an Astros game.

She misses him,
blah, blah, blah.

Now, Claire gets to ask Sonny

about his marriage, and boy,

did I want to know
the truth about that.

- Hey.
- Hi.

- You know what I
was just thinking?

If I found out
that my dad was cheating,

I would be beside myself.
- Yeah.

- Anyway, how are you
holding up?

- Fine.
By the way,

we were way off about
my dad and the cheating.

Yeah, the flowers were just
for an art class.

But don't ask him about it.

He's just super shy

about that stuff, so.

- Yeah, I get that, super shy.

I mean, I was super shy when
I started taking cardio boxing,

but now I can knock anyone
out to the tune

of "Walking on Broken Glass."

Who are you messaging?
- W...work, work.

But you know,
you make a good point.

I should just
put the phone away,

and just, you know,
take Jake to the park.

He's been asking
for more Mommy time.

- I'm pretty sure I just
saw him chewing on his fist,

so I think he's actually
asking for dinner time.

- Okay, so you know the
secret language of babies now?

Wow, David, you know,
there is a maternal bond,

and it started when
we shared the same body.

- No, no, no.
Fine, go, go, go, go.

You should go.
- Yeah.

Yeah.
- Sorry.

- My dad's really opening up
to Claire,

so I'm taking the opportunity
to ask him

things I've always wondered
about.

"You speak so lovingly

"of your wife,
yet she sounds like a--

let's just say, firecracker.
What do you see in her?"

- LOL.

When we were expecting
our first child,

and struggling to
make ends meet,

I couldn't risk being fired,
or we wouldn't

have been allowed
to stay in the country.

We had no family here,
and no friends,

and I couldn't take
a single day off.

So Maya gave birth
to both our children alone.

There's no one
stronger than my wife.

Also, she's a
total smoke-show.

- I can't believe
I'm saying this,

but I get why he loves
his crazy, crazy wife.

- Oh, God,
yours is married, too?

They're never gonna
leave their wives, are they?

- No, it's not what you think.
I'm not cheating.

I just want to get intimate
with my dad.

- Okay.

- Honey, come on.
You've been in there

like, a half an hour.

- Yeah, no, sorry.
Still waxing.

I'm waging a war
against my body here,

you know what I mean?
Life's harder for me.

Double standards.
- Okay, sorry.

You topple the patriarchy.
It's all yours.

- Since I can't tell my dad
how I feel, maybe Claire can.

I wish my father

had talked to me more
growing up.

He drove a fan boat
on the bayou

until a gator
snatched his cousin.

My father never spoke again,

so I don't feel like
I really knew him.

- Googaloo, who are you
talking to?

- Oh, I'm chit-chatting

with my online friend,
Claire St. Croix.

She's had a tough go of it.

Her husband was killed
by a foul ball.

I wish I knew
my father more, too.

But I left home and came
to America when I was 23.

- You were so young.
That must have been scary.

- It was also exciting.

I was an art student
with a beautiful young wife

who even let me
draw her naked once.

- Oh, okay.
Repress that thought.

- I missed my family, but I
was going to establish myself

and eventually
bring my parents over.

- Sounds like you were
a good son.

- Well, not really.

My father died
before I could do it.

Heart attack.

- Oh, don't cry
on this toilet, Emet.

You know it wasn't
your fault, right?

- Of course it was.
I pursued my selfish interests

instead of taking a real job
and saving up to bring

my father here sooner,
but I learned my lesson.

I had a wife
with a child on the way,

and I wasn't going to
let them down, too.

So I took a job
in manufacturing

and stayed in it
for 40 dull years.

At least I got out of there
with both my hands,

which is more than my friend,
Leon, can say.

LOL, two thumbs up.

- I thought my dad
liked his job.

He always seemed so happy.

- Sweetie, you can have
the bathroom.

I used some "Paw Patrol"
toothpaste to brush.

I'll see you in the morning.
- Okay, I love you.

Goodnight, it's going
to be a while.

I've got so much hair.

What?

I really don't mean
to put this all on you,

but you're the only person
I can talk to right now.

I just found out all this stuff
about my dad,

and there's just one question
that I'm scared to ask him.

Should I just do it?

You are so wise.
I'm gonna ask him.

Do you think you've

had a good life?

- I don't have the life
I dreamed of as a young man.

I've achieved none
of the goals I set out to do,

and sometimes, I feel
disappointed by that.

- Ouch, looking for
a qualifier.

- But seeing my daughter
pursue her art

fills me with more pride
than I ever would have felt

achieving that dream
for myself.

- Oh.

- Honey, what's wrong?

- I have nothing to wear.

- Please don't
make me say "PMS."

- I was having so many new
feelings about my father

because of our
online relationship,

it was hard to keep them
from bleeding

into our
real life relationship.

- Emet?
- Yes?

- I love--
- I love you too, Daddy.

- Oh, okie dokie.

I was going to say
I love these potatoes,

but sure, same here.
- Oh, okay.

You know what?
Don't be shy.

There's plenty more.

Just going to--
- Hey, my mound.

- You do not
want to play this game.

- Oh, and Daddy, I made a batch
of your favorite cookies, okay?

So after dinner, you can take
them to the couch and watch TV.

- But you said no cookies
past that line.

- Yeah, you got on your knees,

and you pointed
to that crack right there.

- I know I did,
but you know what?

What's a few crumbs?
They will be falling

from the mouth of a great man.

Excuse me.

- Psst, ask her
for anything you want.

I don't know why,
but this is a special day.

Come on.

- Have you noticed?
Emet's acting strange.

- You know, she actually baked,
and she never does that.

We use our oven
is our pots and pans drawer.

- This is much bigger
than burnt cookies, man.

- Shh, shh.
- So sorry. Just--

- See, she's always on the
phone like some teenager,

sniggling and giggling.
She's up to something.

- Looks like Detective Dave
has another case.

- Griff.
- What?

- I wanted to get you something
for your grandmother's passing,

but then, I realized
I didn't even know

what your grandmother
meant to you.

- She meant five bucks
on my birthday, bitch.

That's it.
- See, we spend

all day together,
but there's still so much

we don't know about each other.

I think Emet's dad
isn't the only man

who's having trouble
sharing his emotions.

- We share
personal stuff, yeah.

Like the other day,
we were talking about

how you're a dookie-blaster.

- Classic male posturing.

Look, this is the sharing
stapler, and whoever has it

can share their truth
without judgment.

I'll go first.

Growing up with two mothers

has made me hold women
to a higher standard,

and sometimes,
I feel like no one

will live up
to my expectations.

I'm afraid of ending up alone.

- You should use that stapler
to staple on some balls.

- Okay, well, at least
I had the balls

to be honest about
how I was feeling.

Now, who's next?
- Uh, okay.

Um, the other day, I had
to have dental surgery,

and you were both too busy
to pick me up.

I had to pretend that the Uber
driver was my best friend.

- What? Man, I like
this sharing stapler.

It's giving me a lot of ammo.
- I dare you to take it.

But you won't.
You know why?

- Chicken, he's chicken.
- Give it to me.

When I was six, once,

my grandma...

My grandma...

- Are you looking for this,
Miss St Croix?

J'accuse!I unlocked your phone.

- I can explain.
- Would the explanation be

that you were pretending to be
a buxom New Orleans widow

to catfish your dad?

- That is incredibly accurate.

Look, I have never
heard my father

share his feelings
like he does with Claire.

I know what I am doing
is questionable,

but I've also never felt closer
to my father.

Who am I really
even hurting here?

- There's your dad now.

- Okay.

- He's falling
in love with you.

- What?

"Miss St. Croix, talking to you

"the past few days
has been a revelation.

"When we started this,
you asked if I'd

"be interested in intimacy.
The answer now is yes.

"Will you meet me?
All I can think about

is kissing your soft lips."

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh, David, I seduced my father.

Oh, this is bad.
- Mm-hmm.

- Okay, Dad, I can't
explain to you why I know

what's happening,
but you can't do this.

- Oh, come on.
It's no big deal.

They're a
billion-dollar company.

We can share
a Netflix password.

- No, no, not that.
I know you think you wanna

have an affair
with Claire St. Croix,

but you don't,
because I'm Claire St. Croix.

- No crap, Matlock.
We set you up, baby.

- Yeah, we figured it out when
Claire sent me this message.

"Tell me more about your
obviously talented

"and ambitious daughter,

who really does do it all
even though it's hard."

- Okay, look,
I'm sorry I deceived you,

but we never talk.

- Okie dokie.
- No-kie dokie.

Talk to me.

Dad--

- If you wanted to know things,
you could have asked me.

I'll tell you everything
you did to ruin my life.

You were born two weeks early.

I was at the opera, holding
you in like a hot watermelon.

- Yeah, Mom,
I know the story, okay?

I get your birthday cards.

- The Internet was a safe place
until you came along.

"60 Minutes"
warned me about this.

- I know what I did was wrong,

but you shared all those
personal stories with Claire.

How come you don't share
any of them with me?

- What do you want to know?
How much I regret

not being there
when my father passed away?

How guilty I felt
going off to work long hours

knowing my wife was home alone,
a stranger in this country?

- Yeah, along those lines.

Also, maybe what movies
you like.

- Emet, those feelings
are mine.

I didn't keep things from you

because I don't
want to be close.

I kept them from you because
I didn't want to burden you.

I thought I was protecting you,

and now you're telling me
that I was wrong.

- No, no, Dad, not wrong.
Just kind of old school.

And it just keeps me from
getting to know you.

- First of all,
that's my favorite movie.

"Old School."
What a romp.

Secondly, you do know me.
I'm a happy person

because I don't dwell
on those dark moments.

I'm sorry if somehow,
that makes me a bad father.

- It doesn't.

You're a very good father.

- Then, please,
accept me for how I am,

even if it's hard for you
because what you want me to do,

that's very hard for me.

- Hey, do you want to go
watch "Old School?"

- Okie dokie.

- Can one of you spot me?
- Oh.

- Hey.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Griff, you have nothing
to be ashamed of.

- Oh, hard disagree
on that one, man.

I'm pretty much just full
of shame.

That's the highest
I've been able

to hold my head up in two days.

- Ashamed?
Ashamed of what?

- I think when a person
exposes his innermost--

- Innermost?
Exposes his innermost.

What, is that--is that
where your dookie comes from?

- Yeah, yeah,
what is that, like, uh,

where you keep
your farts, Norman?

- And we're back.

Retreat into your dark caves
of pathetic masculinity.

- Hey, thanks, man.
- Aw, that's no problem, man.

And what does he know
about masculinity?

What do you know
about masculinity, you know?

The other day when you were--

- you, Chewy!

Don't you ever imitate me
like that ever again.

What? Bitch.

- I realized I couldn't
change my dad,

but I could break the cycle
and make sure my kids

felt like they knew
their parents.

Lil, Lou, your dad
and I want you to know

that if there have ever
been questions

that you've felt too scared
or uncomfortable to ask,

it's okay.
You can ask us anything.

- We are an open book.
- Yeah.

- So we can ask anything?
- Anything, fire away.

- How come you guys had Jake?

It seems like
he might've been an accident.

- Okie dokie, let us know
if you think of anything.

- And that's how you score
screen time.