All language subtitles for Hollywood Darlings s02e04 The NILF.eng

Scout! Ugh.

Thank you so much for
taking care of the kids.

I'm all done now,
so you are off the hook.

Oh, good, I can go
to my goat yoga class.

Yes, absolutely.

How were the kids? Were they good?

They were excellent.

Okay, and they were nice to one another?

Totally nice to each other.
You have incredible kids, Mrs. Mitchell.

Aww. Call me Bev. Don't be so formal.

And by the way, this dress is so cute.

Oh, thank you.
It's super easy, to be honest.

- And very flattering.
- Oh, gosh, thanks.

Excuse me. Sorry to interrupt,

but, um, I feel like I've seen you on TV

or in a movie or something.

I get that a lot.

I was on a show called "7th Heaven."

Oh, no, I-I know "7th Heaven,"

but how about you?

Uh... yeah. Yes, you have.

Wait a second. Wait, you act?

I had no idea.
Have I seen you in anything?

Well, I used to do porn.

[irreverent music]

But now I'm a nanny.

Oh, uh, well, no, that-that...

uh, that... my mistake.

Uh... honey. Coming.

I mean, I'm not com... I'm on my way.

See ya.

Yeah, I'm-I'm sorry.

Did-did you say... porn?

- Porn. Yeah, loads of it.
- Oh!

That's why I love working for you.

'Cause it's like, oh, I remember that,

when you have, like,
a last-minute meeting

or you have to go to a fitting.

I didn't honestly wear a lot of clothes

in my line of work,
but it was kind of a similar...

It's just fun to reminisce.

- Totally. Totally.
- Yeah.

Well, I-I don't want you
to miss your goat yoga.

- Okay, well, call me anytime.
- I'll call you later.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- Bye.
- Bye, Scout.

Whoa, that skirt is short.

[upbeat electronic music]

?

? You think you're rock and roll ?

?

? You think you're rock and roll ?

I did not sleep well.

I was up all night stressing.

Zoe got a B- on her math homework.

Well, B-, that's not bad,
and she's only in elementary school.

Yeah, except I did the homework,
and I have a bachelor's degree.

- Oh...
- This is math.

Who thought fourth
grade math was so hard?

I mean, who the fuck knows
how to do fractions anyway?

Well, maybe next time,
you just let Zoe do her homework.

Yeah, that's not gonna happen,
all right?

She's got a big project coming up,
and she has no time.

I gotta make up for this B-.

I'll never hear the end of it.

Oh! I didn't even tell you!

I just found out that my nanny...

she used to do porn!

- Really?
- Yeah!

- How'd you find that out?
- Oh, God.

We were at the park with the kids,

and some dad recognized
her and came up to us.

Apparently, she's really open about it.

I mean, her name
used to be Gypsy Applestain.

- Oh, wow.
- Oh, wow. Yeah.

- That's amazing.
- No!

You of all people with a porn nanny?

- Don't say that!
- It's great, Bev.

But Gypsy Applestain?
I mean, that's a weird name.

My name would've been
Lee-Ann Pepperwood.

That's my porn name.

You know, where you do the thing
where you take your middle name

and add it to the name
of the first street you lived on.

Ann Priscilla.

That's not a porn name, Bev.
That's like a advice columnist.

Another reason why I would
make a very bad porn star.

Now I just don't know what to do.

I mean, she's great with the kids,

but I just can't look at her the same,

and I can't fire her, so what do I...

No, no, you definitely can't fire her.

I mean, that's, like,
antifeminist and slut shaming.

What if you got somebody
else to hire her?

Hmm. I mean, she is a good nanny.

Hey, guys.

Sorry I'm late.

I tried to drop Georgia
off at preschool,

and she just was not having it.

I'm gonna have to figure
out something else.

God, we had this whole,
like, weekend planned.

If I don't find a nanny soon,
I'm gonna not have a social life.

[sighs] I wish I had your nanny, Bev.

She's awesome.

- Take her!
- Oh.

Oh, no, I don't want to,
like, nanny-steal.

No, no, no, uh, you know,
the kids are now in school,

and, you know, we don't...
we don't really need her.

You should tell her about what she did
with that apple stain on your rug.

- The what?
- Oh!

Nothing, she's just...
she's really good with cleaning.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, she's a regular Hoover.

Oh, my God. She sounds like a dream.

You're sure?

- Totally.
- Bev, you are so generous.

You're such a good friend.
I'm gonna go tell Brandon.

Ooh, we're back on!

Oh, man.

This is gonna be so fun to watch.

Kind of like your nanny's last porn.

- Christine is open.
- Yeah, so is your nanny.

?

[upbeat rock music]

?

I'll show you a B-.

?

?

[croaks]

[irreverent music]

Hey, Scout. How'd she do?

Oh, my gosh, Georgia was a dream.

She fell asleep like that.

Aww, so sweet. Well, thank you so much.

Oh, my gosh, please, my pleasure.

Go, enjoy your vacation.
Get out of here.

We will. We'll see you early tomorrow.

Okay. Take your time, guys. Bye.

Bye.

I am so relieved.

Man, I have not felt this relaxed

since I found those
quaaludes in that jewelry box

my grandmother left me.

[sighs] What do you say
we have a little fun, huh?

Oh, yeah. What you got in mind?

Maybe we, uh, watch a skin flick.

- Look at you!
- Huh?

Dirty bird.
Haven't done that in a while.

Yeah, let's pick a good one.
Oh, that one looks good.

It looks kind of classy...

but also completely not.

- A spaceship?
- I think so.

Oh, no, the door's opening.

Look at that alien. She's hot.

I come from a distant planet.

Take me to your leader...

- Wait a minute.
- ...so we can bone.

Is that...

Definitely something we should try,
mm-hmm.

- No, no, no, is that Scout?
- Who?

Scout? The babysitter
we were just talking to?

No! Where?

The one in the
crotch-less alien costume?

[funky music playing]

[moaning]

Oh, my God.

Oh, no, this is bad.

I mean, she's so good
with Georgia, though.

She's a natural.

Oh, she's natural.

What're we gonna do? This is terrible.

I mean, she's Georgia's favorite sitter.

She's doing a great job of
sitting on that guy's face.

I must say, she's very limber.

She's beyond limber.
She should be in the circus.

Hey, thanks for picking me up.

The car will be ready in an hour.

Okay, perfect. How was the weekend?

How did Georgia do?

Georgia was great,
we had a great time...

uh, although
I have something to tell you.

Apparently, Scout used to do porn.

- What?
- Yeah.

No way!

Oh, my God.

You knew.

Beverley Mitchell, when you lie,
your eyes bug out!

Okay, fine, I'm sorry.

I can't believe you knew!

Oh, and then you acted all generous
and just tried to pawn her off on me.

You are really something.

I-I'm sorry, I mean, I was at the park,

and this dad came up and
recognized her from a porn,

and I cannot have a porn
star working in my house!

I mean, I have
a wholesome brand to protect.

What about my brand?

Which is...?

Well, not porn!

I know, I... you know, I just...

I didn't know what to do,
and I didn't want to

just fire her because
that just felt wrong.

I mean, I can't just punish her
for her alternative lifestyle.

No, you're right. She's a great nanny.

She is.

I mean, she got Georgia
to sleep like that.

She bends over backwards for the kids.

Okay, between you and Brandon,

it is like a euphemism
nightmare up in here.

[coughs]

Look, I'm just...
I'm just gonna keep her.

- You should.
- It's the right thing to do.

- It is.
- I mean, you know,

she can't be punished just
because she had, like,

a, you know, a past...
My nose is so itchy.

Do you have, like, a tissue or a...

[irreverent music]

What is this?

Those dirty valets!

Beverley, your eyes.

Oh! I was just... I was just curious,

and I found a very secure website.

They don't even use real names.

Whose name did you order this under?

- Jodie Sweetin.
- Solid.

I-I just... I was gonna send it back,

and I just didn't want it in the house
in case the kids found it.

This one actually looks
like it has a good plot.

Wait a minute, how did you find out
she did porn?

Uh... I heard.

Yeah, the-the mom blogs, you know them.

[groans] Chatting all the time.

They're nuts. Hey, uh, I'm starving.

Let's go eat, huh? [clears throat]

Salads? What're you thinking?
Sandwiches?

Thanks so much for coming in,
Ms. Sweetin.

I really want to talk to you
about Zoe's "women in history" project.

It's pretty exceptional.

Well, Zoe is very intelligent.

I'm super proud of her.

I'm sorry, by exceptional,
I mean unusual.

Odd. Bad.

- What? What do you mean?
- Honestly, I'm concerned.

Okay, the last two assignments
of hers have been very poor,

and it's been a very sudden change.

Have there been any dietary changes
I should know about or any head injuries

that could've significantly
lowered her IQ?

Because this is very different for her
to miss the mark this severely.

I can't understand why
she chose Katy Perry

as the focal point for her
"women in history" project.

Katy Perry?
I mean, that's an obvious choice.

She is a modern feminist hero.

You know, have you heard the lyrics
to "Firework" or "Roar"?

I mean, she is practically
leading a revolution.

That's more of a Taylor Swift thing.

- I see where we stand.
- Mm-hmm.

Look, Zoe wanted to be creative.

Okay, she-she didn't want
to do some boring

snooze-fest project on Susan B. Anthony.

I mean, who needs
another one of those, right?

Just because Ms. Anthony
never had Twitter beef

doesn't mean she's a snooze-fest,

okay, and I don't know where
any female great leaders

or even Katy Perry for
that matter would be

without a little thing
called women's suffrage,

okay, but that's not the point.

The point is, the work is just sloppy.

Sloppy? Sloppy how?

Run-on sentences, spelling errors...

I mean, she's misusing periods.

That thing lacks a thesis,

and the accompanying diorama
showed a serious lack

of motor skills and
hand-eye coordination.

I mean, it's terrifying.

Looks like an LSD nightmare.
Not that I would know.

I think you are mistaken, okay, that...

that is n-not a lack of anything.

That is an abundance of creativity.

I mean, look at that thing.

It's beautiful.

Have you been to MoCHA? Right?

Have you seen some of the
weird modern art stuff?

I mean, this is a preview
of what's to come.

I mean, she's... she's going places.

I'm considering enrolling
Zoe in a remedial class.

What?

No!

I think you're being a
little bit reactionary here.

Okay, I mean, I don't think
Zoe needs a remedial class.

Look, we'll just keep an eye
on her for a few days, okay?

Remedial's not that serious.

Maybe she just needs a little
push in the right direction,

a little bit of help, okay?

Everything will be okay.

Okay. You'll see, because...

she is gonna light up the
sky like the Fourth of July,

all right, so she's gonna be just fine.

I see what you're doing.
It's not helping.

[upbeat rock music]

[doorbell chimes]

I got a large, uh, extra-sausage.

Oh, I don't think we ordered a pizza.

[swanky rock music]

I got a large.

Extra sausage.

?

We got a large sausage out here?

- Oh!
- Yeah, that's me.

- Sorry.
- Hey. Thanks, man.

Sure, sure. Oh, thanks.

- Hey, have a good life, huh?
- [door shuts]

?

[music intensifies]

?

Ooh.

?

[guitar solo soaring]

?

- Are you cold?
- No, I'm okay.

You sure? Do you need a jacket

or, like, a, I don't know,
like, a Snuggie

or a blanket or anything?

Oh, no, that's so sweet of you.
I'm fine.

?

[music intensifies]

?

[music stops]

[irreverent music]

?

- Christine?
- Yeah?

- Oh, hey.
- Hey.

How's the... Where's Georgia?

Oh, Scout's putting her down for a nap.

Oh. How's it going?

Not well, Bev. This is all your fault!

We're at the farmers market earlier,

picking melons, and I practically had
a panic attack.

I just, like, can't let her
around fruit or something.

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

Okay, she is down.

Oh, hey, Bev, how are you?

- Oh, I'm good!
- How are the kids?

Oh, they're great. They miss you.

Oh, good, well, give 'em a hug for me.

I will.

Christine, I'm gonna head out,
unless you need anything else.

Actually, yeah.

There-there's something I
need to talk to you about.

Oh.

Here it comes.

What?

You're gonna fire me
because I used to do porn.

Oh, no! Oh, no! No, no, no, no.

You did porn? What?

That's crazy!

Never seen you in those.

I mean, not that I watch them a lot.

I was gonna fire you because

we don't actually need the
help that we thought we needed.

And I, just for the record,
would never fire you

because you did porn because
that would be slut shaming.

I understand. I mean, honestly,
porn is the best job I've ever had.

Like, I only got into nanny-ing
because I hit that weird porn dead zone.

You know, where it's like,
you're too old to be a teen

and you're too young to be a MILF.

There's just no roles for me anymore.

I get you on that. It's like, one year,

I stopped auditioning for
"Girl Next Door,"

and the only things I
did get auditions for

were, like, "traffic cop"

and "lady who leaves her
job to open a bakery."

Yeah, I-I-I guess we can...
we can kind of relate.

- You want to go back to porn?
- Yeah. I really do.

- We can help you with that.
- You would help me?

Yes. Are you kidding me?

Your parts need to be
out there for the public,

not just, you know,
trapped inside this... little house.

Guys, I'm gonna go start stretching now.

- Okay!
- Oh, this is great!

Thanks, guys.

You got it. You got it.

- How?
- I'm not really sure.

Okay, look, ladies, I'm sorry.

No, I can't. I-I just can't.

Look, I still think she can play a teen.

I mean, I-I played a teen
till I was, like, 25.

Mm.

Yeah, just throw her hair
in some pigtails and, you know,

have her talk in a baby voice.

That's how I still get my kids meals.

You... are... adorable! But no.

Look, there's definitely
a dead zone in porn,

don't get me wrong,
but that's the least of her problems.

She is a terrible actress.

Like, garbage.

- Wait, are you serious?
- Yeah.

And that's a problem because...

Well, you see, that's a problem
because this right here is filmmaking.

It's crazy, right?

I thought the two of you,
above anybody else,

would understand the
importance of acting in a film.

- Calm down, Sundance.
- Oh.

Aren't we just talking about
"Butt-fucking Nuns 9"?

That's a classic, all right?

And without quality, my porn is smut.

The stigma that porn
has about bad acting,

listen, that's just a fallacy,
all right?

- Gross.
- Look, I take accountability

for my scripts, all right?

Do you think you just win AVN Awards

if you can't make the audience believe

that you just want to
give that hand job?

Yeah, it's like a "think the thought,"
you know?

- I like that.
- We can help her with that.

You know, we can help her
want to think the thoughts

about giving the hand jobs.

We can help her think of the smut.

You know, think the thought,
do the deeds.

Okay. Cool.

If you think you can coach her

and give her some lessons
about how to be a good actor,

then fine, I'll give her another shot.

Great, thank you. Thank you.

- Sure.
- Thank you.

All right, don't let me down.

Oh, by the way, big fan.

Oh, just wait. It's a trilogy.

- Gross. Gross.
- Okay. Let's go.

Gross, gross, gross, gross.

Do you need your parking validated?

[upbeat rock music]

So, Zoe's teacher said
that he's gonna keep an eye

on things for a few days
but that he might put her

in a remedial class.

You guys, I can't believe
I fucked this up so badly.

Have you finally learned your lesson?

Yes. Yes, I will not be helping out
with homework anymore.

I don't know, my mom helped me
with my homework, and I turned out fine.

Point taken. All right.

Let's get you ready for this audition.

Oh, great! Great.

Okay, well, why don't we run some lines?

Do you have your sides?

Okay. [clears throat]

Okay.

[irreverent music]

Officer, I'm innocent.

I didn't see the sign.

Isn't there anything
I can do to get off?

Okay.

I think it's important to remember

that this is not Scout thinking,

this is... this is Gypsy Applestein.

Applestain.

- Right.
- Okay.

Please, I can't go to jail!

I'm innocent!

I've never even been in detention.

Okay, look,
I have never personally talked

to a dick on camera, but I feel like
you really need to give it backstory.

I don't really do backstory,

unless they're paying extra.

Okay. Maybe we just need
to go back to basics.

You know? Start with some exercises.

Kegels.

Always useful,
but not the ones I'm talking about.

Maybe some Meisner technique.

So you give me a line,

I give you the line back,

and we go back and forth like this.

One line.

- Okay.
- Try that.

- Uh, I'll use, "Do me."
- Great.

Okay.

Phew. Okay.

[shudders]

Do me.

- Do me.
- Do me.

- Do me.
- Do me.

- Do me.
- Do me.

- Do me.
- Do me.

- Don't.
- Don't.

Look, how about this,
picture the phallus

coming towards your face.

- Yes.
- Okay.

Ah!

No, less afraid.

[roaring]

That is a wide girth on your mouth.

- Oh, okay.
- It's interesting.

- Yeah, that's a choice.
- Yeah.

[upbeat rock music]

So there's good news
and there's bad news.

The good news is, Zoe did great
on her science homework last night,

- and she got an A.
- I'm very relieved to hear that.

- See, she does not need to...
- Now, here's the bad news.

The bad news is,
I've been a teacher for quite some time,

so I know when parents are doing
their children's work.

No! No, no, no. I promise you.

That was all Zoe last night.

Look, I know
you're a professional actress,

but you're no Candace Cameron Bure.

Okay, I can see
right through this performance,

and I know acting, okay? I played
Gaston at the Bakersfield Theatre.

I'm gonna be honest with you, all right,

those other two assignments,
those were me.

All right,
I-I tried to do the first assignment

and I got a bad grade,

and so I wanted to do
better on the second,

and then it just did worse,
and it all went south.

All right? But I promise you,
last night was all Zoe.

That's ridiculous.

I mean, what kind
of crazy person would do that?

Me. Me, I would do that.

I'll prove it to you.

[clock ticking]

[upbeat rock music]

?

?

Okay, enough. Please, make it stop.

Make it stop. Stop. Okay.

I believe you. You're right.

I mean, you're wrong, like, scary wrong.

How are you a functioning human person?

- I have an iPhone.
- Okay, touch�.

These are not life skills, okay?

This is double-digit multiplication.

Who needs to know that?

Physicists, cashiers,
people paying rent,

people calculating the probability

of not ruining their
daughter's life chances.

- Again, iPhone.
- Okay, look.

I'm gonna forget any of this happened.

I'm not gonna put Zoe
in a remedial class.

All right? On one condition.

You promise to never, ever help her
with her homework again.

Absolutely. Lesson learned.

But the math, not so much.

[irreverent music]

?

Auditions, am I right?

Would you like a mint?

Oh, we're not here for...

No, we're just here for support.

Yeah, but to be fair,
if she'd had support,

she probably wouldn't be
in this business in the first place.

I mean, not that we're judging.

No, we would... we would never judge.

We are the two least
nonjudgmental people.

That's a double negative, but yes.

Guys, I did it! I got the part!

- Oh, my God, that's great!
- I got the part!

Those mouth warmups you
had me do were so helpful.

Oh, I know, right?

"Red leather, yellow leather."

Look it up, people.

So, when does it start?

Well, there's just one condition.

?

- Action!
- Patient 69.

Paging patient 69.

The doctor will see you now.

I am a receptionist.

I'm also a receptionist.

The doctor doesn't take insurance,
so please feel free to tip her well.

?

Come into my office...

Daddy.

- Okay, cut.
- What?

I just need more, like,

"Is Dad coming home this Christmas?"

- Oh, more daddy issues.
- Yes.

I don't think they clean
these surfaces very well.

I wouldn't lick it, but, you know.

You're not gonna get an STD.
It's not really...

Why would you ever eat anything in here?

I'm starving.
Did you see the craft service out there?

There's, like, nothing on the table.

Something, I want you like a feral...
something feral.

- Okay.
- You got this look going on.

Just remind me what "feral" means.

I know I know, but I can't...

It's just like a wild cat
that needs to be put down.

Like you're spraying everywhere.

You're just in heat.
You know, no one wants you.

- You've been thrown into a river...
- Come into my office, Daddy!

Yes, just violent.

- Got it.
- Got it?

I just don't think that's sanitary.

It was wrapped.

God, I'm gonna bathe in, like, a vat
of hand sanitizer when I get home.

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