Original subtitles

You think I'm gonna let a little thing

like a gunshot wound to the face dampen my spirit?

What, are you kidding me?

That little whore may have taken the smile

from my outside,

but she ain't never taking the smile from my inside.

Eh?

Oh, I nailed Mary Jo Buttafuoco.

This role is perfect for me.

- Christine... - Ah, I'm telling you,

I killed that audition.

I had them eating off the palm of my hand, Jackie.

You're gonna get a call any minute.

They're gonna offer me that part; I can tell.

They're not offering you the part.

What?

It went to one of the Skinny Tummy Tea girls.

I don't even know what that is.

She's a Instagrammer.

You know, she hocks the tea that makes you...

- skinny. - Shit?

- Oh, skinny. - Both.

Is she an actor?

No. Nobody gives a shit about acting anymore.

They just want followers and influencers

and they want to sell you those sugar hair vitamins.

What the hell am I supposed to do?

We have to get you more followers somehow.

We have to come up with some kind of plan here.

So I have to start, like, making videos

of me putting on makeup and making avocado toast?

I mean, the hybrid of the two might be a new, fun idea,

and I'm not mad at it.

[sighs] Shoot me in the face.

Too soon?

- You didn't get the part. - Yeah.

[upbeat electronic music]

?

? You think you're rock and roll ?

?

? You think you're rock and roll ?

Guys, this was Mary Jo Buttafuoco.

I mean, I researched the shit out of this role.

I could do the "I got shot in the face" face and everything.

I think that's more of a stroke.

I think that may be offensive.

No, it is not offensive, because she lived and thrived.

I killed it in the room. I mean, I am perfect for this.

I'm just so sick of all this social media bullshit.

You know, it used to be about being a good actor.

Now it's about media presence and twittering and Myspace.

Well, there's your problem.

You know what? You're right.

You need more followers.

Ooh, you know what? I can retweet you.

My followers are the best.

You know what you need to do?

Leak some nudes.

Okay, I think we're getting a little off track here.

Hey, Jodie, did you just get that email from Helen?

No, I haven't gotten any emails,

and why do you call our OB/GYN by her first name?

It's creepy.

She looks at my private parts.

I mean, I think all formalities are out the door.

I wonder why she sent this just to me.

- What is it? - Well, it's a special for...

for rejuvenation surgery for, like, down there.

For down where?

You know, for your special place.

- Don't think it's called that. - No.

- Your hoo-hah. - Your vagina, Bev.

Just say your vagina.

Yeah, for your nonie.

- That's... - Both: An Italian grandmother.

- Yeah. - Vagina.

One more time.

[together] Vagina.

- Vagina. - Yeah.

- It's not like Beetlejuice. - No. But you know what?

If you say it three times, though, it'll come.

[laughs]

Why would she send this email to me?

I mean, clearly I don't need it.

I've had the same number of kids as you.

Mm, I had two C-sections. My shit is pristine.

Well, I had two C-sections.

And I saved myself for marriage.

Okay, so I didn't save myself for marriage,

but I've only been with one guy.

Really don't think it works like that.

I... I got... I got to go.

Okay. Bye.

Do you think she's going to look at her vagina

in the mirror right now?

Oh, absolutely.

[energetic music]

How come you both have that many more followers?

I just can't believe that Twitter is costing me acting jobs.

I know.

You know what? I have an idea.

Okay, I "died" twice...

once in a rollercoaster accident,

once in a plane crash.

I got like 10,000 followers each time.

So I'm gonna post on an anonymous Reddit account

that actress Christine Lakin

has died in a tragic boating accident.

OMG, crying face emoji.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

- Take that down. - Too late. It's already up.

[sighs] I don't know, Jodie.

This feels like very bad karma.

It... for me, maybe, but I mean,

who believes in that shit anyway?

Um, Buddhists, 51% of the population.

Keanu Reeves.

It's gonna go on the Internet, it'll come, it'll go...

You'll probably get Farrah Fawcetted anyway.

What's Farrah Fawcetted?

Remember? She died the same day as Michael Jackson

and everybody forgot about it.

- Farrah Fawcett died? - Oh, my God.

Look, it's already getting a bunch of responses.

You really have an anonymous Reddit account.

I am deep on the "Full House" fan pages.

You wouldn't believe some of the weird fan theories

out there. There's one that says

the entire show takes place

in the mind of the mom who's in a coma.

You know what, I can see that.

Joey always felt like a fever dream to me.

Mm, yeah.

- I'll call you later. - All right.

- Hey, Christine? - Yeah?

You mind picking up some more dog poop bags

before Gymboree?

My day's getting crazy.

Oh, honey, I'd love to,

but I'm dead, so...

kinda can't right now.

I'm pretty sure TMZ's not gonna follow you to Gymboree.

You'd be surprised.

Look, it's just for a little while longer.

This is ridiculous. You know that, right?

Will you just be supportive?

I'm trying to get a job here.

Working real hard. You gonna resurrect yourself tomorrow?

Like Robert Downey, Jr.'s career after "Ally McBeal."

Okay. No pain pills in the tub.

RIP. I love you.

- Bye - Bye.

Now that Daddy's away,

"Housewives" marathon for Mommy.

You [bleep] everyone!

Ooh, Bethenny Frankel giving me life.

[laid-back rock music]

Your story's updating.

All right, do you want the boating accident to take place

- on an ocean or a lake? - Hmm.

Ooh, and do you want to be with Brandon or, like,

some mysterious lover?

'Cause this could be very Natalie Wood.

- Yes. - Brandon?!

- Brandon! - What? Bev?

Oh, thank God! Oh God, you're alive!

Oh, yeah, of course I'm alive.

- Are you okay?! - Yeah.

Bev, I am so sorry. I should've texted you.

I started this whole death rumor thing for Christine

to get her more followers.

- Yeah. - What?!

What's with the bags?

Yeah. What, were you gonna loot me?

No, I was... I was coming over

to clean all your naughty stuff.

My naughty stuff?

Yeah, you know, your thongs and your marijuana.

And that outfit you wore at Kenzie's second birthday.

Ooh, yeah, super scandalous.

Ah, now that you're okay,

I can go back to worrying about my secret pocket.

- Oh, my God, secret... - Secret pocket?

What's in your secret pocket, Bevs, like, loose change?

Bits of beef jerky.

- Lifesavers? - No, no, I...

I can't stop thinking about the fact that

Helen thinks that I need reconstructive surgery.

Look, ladies, let's just whip 'em out.

Let's just all show each other our vaginas...

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, no. - ...and just be done with this.

No, no, okay. I played that game in college,

and it got weird very quickly.

[scoffs] That was not my college experience,

but okay.

Don't think I could look you in the eye after.

Just check your email one more time.

You didn't send me a picture of it, did you?

No! Gross.

No, Bev. Still no email.

But in other news,

Christine is up 10,000 followers.

- No way! - Yes!

I don't know, I think you should clean this up,

because it just doesn't feel right.

All right, just a little while longer.

What's another 10,000 Twitter followers?

I think it's gonna get harder and harder to fix

- the longer you wait. - Yeah.

That's what your doctor's gonna say.

What else is in your pocket there, Bev?

- Yeah, what you got? - Your passport?

String cheese?

Yarn?

[upbeat rock music]

?

I need to speak to Helen.

Okay. Do you have an appointment?

No.

She has something available next Tuesday at 10:16.

- How's that work for you? - No, no, no.

Just tell her that Beverley Mitchell is here,

and I need to speak to her immediately,

because it's about a private matter.

Okay, I'm afraid I can't let anyone back in

unless they have an appointment.

What... what is this about?

Well, it is about that special surgery.

You can just tell me exactly what's going on.

I just need you to get Helen to come out here!

I'm not gonna let you in unless you tell me

what it's about, so...

Okay, I just need to talk to the doctor

about the vaginal rejuvenation surgery, okay?!

So, something is wrong with your vagina, then?

What? No!

Absolutely not.

My pink primrose is perfect!

I mean, it may look different,

but it is just perfect,

and she should be ashamed of herself

for making me or anyone else feel any differently!

Yeah, sure, I'll give her a quick ring.

Thank you.

Hi, Dr. Hong?

I've got a deranged woman out here kind of yelling

about vaginal rejuvenation surgery.

No, she doesn't have an appointment.

Tell her to go away? Sure thing.

That was obviously a fake phone call.

I didn't dial any numbers.

I just kind of put the receiver to my ear.

I hope it illustrated the point.

I will wait.

Not gonna change anything.

Okay, hey, okay...

all right, please don't.

You don't know what you're pressing.

Now it's on speaker.

What is it, babe?

Another fruit basket from the agency.

Christine, this is getting out of hand.

Ooh. Can I take that one with me, actually?

Seeing as this is all kind of coming through me, anyway.

Please.

Oh, my God, you guys, this is amazing.

I just got 5,000 more Twitter followers.

[gasps] Oh, and Julia White posted,

"RIP Christine Larkin."

- Eh, that's close enough. - [doorbell rings]

Sweetie, do you mind getting that?

Jodie, how long do you have to wait to start dating

after your spouse dies?

Mm, I don't know, I've only done divorce.

Like a month?

That's too long.

Oh, my God, Tom Cruise is following me.

- Really? - You're welcome.

Oh, no... Ted Cruise.

- [door shuts] - Not as good.

You got a fruitcake from Duffy.

Even Patrick Duffy thinks you're dead.

A fruitcake?

I work with the man for seven years,

and all he can send is a damn fruitcake?

- Always was a cheap bastard. - [doorbell rings]

- Sweetie, please. - This has to stop.

You said it was gonna be one day.

People love a widower.

All this stuff is for you.

Think about it... if it goes on long enough,

you might be able to play yourself in a TV movie

of my life.

They don't cast people as themselves in TV shows.

Nice try.

This Twitter stuff is great.

I feel like I really need to get out there.

You know, see the people crying.

That's normal, right?

[door shuts]

I'll see you later.

Oh, wow, these are beautiful.

[gasps] Oh, from my mom.

Should really call her.

Okay, sweetie, I got to go.

But I'll see you soon.

- Later, doll. - Good luck.

- Wanna watch Snaps? - Hell yes.

All right.

[rock music]

?

Could I have a vanilla latte with warm milk?

Sure. Anything else?

Did you hear? Christine Lakin died.

Who?

- Christine Lakin. - Christine Lahtie died?!

Oh, no!

My mother's gonna be so disappointed.

[stammering] No, no, Christine Lahti's fine.

It's Christine Lakin.

Christine Lakin? Christine Lakin?

Anyone on Twitter here?

No? Well, she died.

And everyone should be very sad.

Oh, oh, oh. It's Christine Larkin.

- Lakin, no one gets it... - It's Larkin.

- It's Larkin. - There's no R.

- I'm looking at it right here. - All right.

And, oh, there's a candlelight vigil

at the "Step by Step" house.

- Yes, yes. - Wherever that is.

- Thank you. Thank you. - You're welcome.

Well, I'm going tonight, because I'm in mourning

'cause she was very talented.

- Yeah. - Far too soon.

I was more like a "Boy Meets World" guy.

- Still sad. - All right, I'm just gonna

take my latte to go, please.

Sure. Name?

Mary Jo.

I went to the office to talk to Helen,

and the receptionist told me it was a mass email.

She sent it out to all of her clients.

- I still didn't get anything. - Just... just look again.

Oh, wait, hold on, let me check this...

Aha.

There it is. It went to my spam.

- You serious? - Mm-hmm.

You made me stress. I mean, it's right there.

Bev, I didn't make you stress out.

Let's be very clear. You just exist in stress.

'Scuse me, I'm sorry to interrupt you.

Um, but you look really familiar.

Like, like we've... Have we met?

- Or we... - You know what, I...

- I get it a lot. - Oh, my G...

[stammering] I know.

I know what it... I know what it is.

- Yes, "7th Heaven." - It's this, it's this.

- No, it's, uh... - What?

It's this. You're the vagina lady.

It's about the vaginal rejuvenation surgery,

and I just need to talk to the doctor, okay?!

What... what is... what is this?!

Why does your voice go so high when you get angry?

500,000 views?

Oh, my God, Bev.

#BeverlyMitchellsVagina is trending on Twitter.

- Oh, no! - Yeah, you're the vagina lady.

- You are Lady Vag. - No, no.

And here's the thing.

I then thought, like, maybe I should get that surgery,

but what does it entail? Does it hurt?

- Is it painful? - What does it...

- Or does it feel good? - Do they do one lip

and then the other?

Or do they do them both at the same time?

Like, is it a laser or is it a probe with a scissors?

- Does it go like, boom, boom... - [stammering] Whoa.

You know what I mean, or you know, there's like a stunner?

Yeah, how far do they pull it down?

- Do they tuck it up? - Yeah, do they tuck it up?

Yeah, I have so many questions.

Don't you have... What exactly is left?

- Yeah, what's left, Bev? - I mean...

'Cause you know, a vagina is really just balls...

- It is, really, yeah. - Without balls.

And one always hangs lower than the other.

That's right. Listen.

I think you need to call a doctor, and um,

- call Dr. Hong, and um... - Okay.

Maybe... maybe she can help you.

I just appreciate, you know, the candor.

You know, do you mind if I just...

just take a little...

Oh, yeah, let me get out of this.

- Boom, boom. - Whoa!

- Ah, there you go. - Boom, you too.

- Oh! - Okay, thank you.

It's all right. Not the worst picture out there.

[laughing]

- Oh, Bev. - I don't... I don't...

Look at the bright side, okay,

your vagina went viral way quicker than Christine.

I'm telling you, this is the actual "Step by Step" house.

[mellow music]

[sniffs] Oh, we lost a TV legend, really.

We did. I don't know how I can go on.

Do you know if the Academy's gonna do anything,

like the Emmys, or...

in memoriam?

Okay, this is the last time I ask you...

Everybody get off my lawn.

I just had it re-sodded.

I mean, look at this, guys. This is ridiculous.

I don't understand why you're even having

a "Step by Step" vigil.

I mean, I... I'd get it if it was, like, Duffy

or Somers or somebody like that.

But Al?!

I mean, what has she even done lately?

Uh, excuse me, she was on several episodes

of "Melissa & Joey."

Oh, oh, sorry, basic cable. Whoo.

And "Helen Keller vs. Nightwolves"

was an innovative masterpiece, thank you.

- Pfff. - Oh, I'm sorry,

she also has a vast body of voiceover work.

- "Family Guy"? - Oh, animation.

- Ever heard about that? - What is wrong with you?

Uh, residuals, cha-ching, and thank you, Tiny Al.

- We should hang out. - You're welcome.

Look, hang out somewhere else.

No, you need to stand there and mourn Al.

She should be remembered.

Well, remember her off my lawn. All right?

It is time to fight the patriarchy!

Yeah, I don't understand why you... oh!

Oh, oh, I'm so sorry. I did not mean...

You did that on purpose!

I didn't do it on purpose!

Just let us grieve, you monster!

- We love Al! - All chanting: We love Al!

- We love Al! We love Al! - This isn't over.

- All: We love Al! We love Al! - This isn't over.

- Get off my lawn! - All: We love Al! We love Al!

- This isn't over! - All: We love Al! We love Al!

We love Al!

I'm in too deep now. It was terrible, you guys.

It turned into a full-on riot.

A riot? In Pasadena?

I bet it was like 1992 all over again.

Like, flipping smart cars and chucking lattes at people.

I know, it was so scary.

You know what? This is done. You guys,

I have to come clean.

Oh, yeah, totally, but, like, maybe not yet.

Why not?

I'm literally getting solicited by funeral homes.

Well, I...

may have used your death to get out of the carpool

and the PTA meeting.

Jodie!

What? The last time I went

to that PTA meeting, they spent three hours

discussing if the term Trapper Keeper

promoted human trafficking.

I can't do that again.

Look, I'm just gonna go on Twitter.

I'm gonna say that I was on a technology diet

for the last two days to spend time with my family,

and I can't believe this rumor got so out of control.

Do you want me to tweet it for you

so people actually see it?

I'm sorry, I... okay, I'll just...

I'll re-tweet it.

Okay, can we talk about real problems?

Problems that I didn't actually create for myself?

The last few days, I have had 20 people come up to me

and ask me how my surgery was

and if it worked.

Really, Bev? 20?

Okay, well, it was more like three,

but three too many.

I mean, the only person who should be talking about it

is Helen. And you know what?

I have to go, because I have an appointment with her

right now.

Hmm. For what?

Well, it turns out that I was actually three months late

on my annual Pap smear, so I made an appointment,

and we are going to have a conversation,

and she is going to fix this.

- Your vagina? - It's okay.

- No... - It needs to be fixed.

No, fix the situation. No, not my...

There's a situation down there?

No, the... not that... There's no situation.

- Not that sit... - Are you sure?

I am not taking this. I am leaving.

Both: Okay. Yup.

Talk about a riot.

Pussy riot.

[laughter]

[laid-back music]

Beverly.

My favorite patient.

You are so famous around here.

Helen, you need to send out an email

telling everyone that I did not have

vaginal rejuvenation surgery.

Nor do I need it.

Okay, I am hearing you.

But I got to be honest,

ever since this whole thing went viral,

my phone has been ringing off the hook!

Everybody wants the procedure.

They're calling it...

the "Beaver-ly."

[laughs] It's so good. It's so good.

That's what kids called me in, like, middle school.

If you would agree to be my spokeswoman,

I would be happy to see you for as long as you want

for free.

Free? I mean, free. You're talking my language.

I mean, I like free.

I'm still a little hurt,

but...

I can get over that,

for free.

I agree.

Mmm...

I mean, I don't think it's so bad to, like...

for everyone to know that I have a tight hoo-hah.

You would be Ms. Tight Hoo-Ha.

Yeah, I like the idea of people knowing

that, like, everything down there is just, like...

- [pops lips] - Yup.

- My husband's a lucky guy. - Sure is.

- Yup. - [slurps]

Please don't do that.

I must say, Christine, this death rumor thing

really worked out for us.

Yeah, who knew?

They're rebooting "Mrs. Doubtfire"

and gender-swapping it,

and you got offered a role.

- No way. - Yeah.

I'm gonna be the next Mr. Doubtfire?

Oh, no, they offered you the Harvey Fierstein role,

like, the sibling that makes the mask.

Such a great role.

The heart of the movie, really.

Oh. Okay.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

I mean, I just... I never really saw myself

as like a Harvey Fierstein type,

- but... - It's great, you're perfect.

It's gonna be so good for you.

- No, it's gonna be great. - Yes.

It's gonna be awesome. Who is playing Mr. Doubtfire?

Oh, Kim Kardashian.

- Interesting. - I mean, her lack

of a sense of humor I feel like might be really interesting.

All right, well, that's one way to go.

Yeah.

- It's the followers. - Yeah, no, I get it.

- So many followers. - It makes a lot of sense.

Followers follow the box office...

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Well, this is exciting.

- [phone chimes] - And you know what?

I am not gonna go on a technology diet

ever again, because man,

you don't know what you're missing.

The director rescinded her offer?

What? Why?

You went to your own vigil?

All: We love Al!

You've been lying to me the whole time?

[sobs]

The whole time? The whole time?!

The whole time!

I don't know what that was, but I was into it.

Sally Field? "Mrs. Doubtfire?"

I'm just gonna go get some avocados and start vlogging.

Thank you.

You have to be careful about every little thing

you say or do now.

Well, faking your death is not a little thing.

That was your idea!

Your fault for listening.

[sighs] I hope this blows over soon.

I'm really tired of wearing sunglasses inside.

I keep bumping into things.

Well, what does Twitter say?

I don't know. Let me check.

I don't know. It's not letting me sign in.

Let me see.

Oh, looks like you've been suspended

due to violating their terms of service.

What? Come on!

You got to watch what you put out there.

I mean, people are all up in your business.

Speaking of people all up in your business,

how'd your appointment go?

Oh, well, you know what?

I think we got it all worked out.

I'm feeling really great about it now.

Thank you so much. Always a pleasure.

No co-pay for you, Mrs. Mitchell.

Have a great day.

[sighs]

This is not the life I want.

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Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0