Original subtitles

Woman: How is this still Brooklyn?

Oh, my God.

I love all these porches.

These porches are amazing.

Where the fuck are we? Ditmas Park.

Dude, if we had a porch like this,

we would use the shit out of it!

Oh, my God!

I would eat breakfast outside every day.

You could do your work outside.

It'd fucking rock. Oh, my God.

We'd only be able to eat breakfast outside

six months out of the year.

Ugh.

Plus, I don't think any of these are rentals.

No, some of these have to be.

We can go in on it with like a couple of other couples

and rent a whole house.

I'm not living with another couple.

Okay, but I'm just saying, this is...

this is gorgeous out here.

It's really pretty. Fuck, man.

Ezra: Here's a two-bedroom for 1,950.

Yes! I could have a studio at home.

We'd save like 500 bucks a month!

...radish, lemon, olive oil and salt.

It is so good.

Glad you like it.

Do you live around here? I do, I love it.

It's like super chill.

I'm near the park. My rent's really cheap.

It's a good place.

See?

Hey, Sufjan Stevens lives out here.

And The National. That's kind of cool.

I don't know, babe.

My commute's already pretty fucking long.

Dude, you have to be real about this.

We have to move, our rent is going up.

We have a dining room.

You're gonna die when you see how big it is.

And Sufjan Stevens lives like down the street.

I feel like it's kind of about to happen out there.

I think it's "Suff"-Jan. Huh?

I say Suf-"yan." Whatever.

The place is huge.

The streets are like lined with sycamore trees,

and there's all of these like Victorian...

basically mansions.

We live in an apartment, not a mansion.

Well, it's really nice though.

The basic like layout feels like a house.

It's gigantic, and it's so cheap.

Come on, bro, we don't do Queens.

Ditmas Park, it's by Prospect Park.

Sorry, guys, we don't deliver out there.

It's not out there.

It's not very far from here.

(chuckles)

Right. (chuckles)

Miguel.

(truck beeping)

You got like this much... You gotta cut it.

(beeping) Whoa.

(buzzing) Oh, shit! There's a-- There's a bee!

I'm sorry.

No, no, no. No, no, no.

? ?

Management was supposed to fix it two weeks ago.

Lying motherfuckers.

We should have a housewarming party.

We could get like 20 or 30 people in here.

You think 20 or 30 people will come all the way out here?

Can you stop saying "out here?"

Our friends are going to visit us...

and eventually move out here.

We're starting a trend. Okay.

And we gotta make it seem like it's not a big schlep.

We've gotta go to every fucking party we're invited to, okay?

Ugh, dude, when I get off the train,

it's like I'm in another world.

With trees.

And there aren't all those bratty Williamsburg kids

having Mommy and Daddy pay the rent, you know?

My parents still pay my rent.

I know, Jen, but you're different.

You don't deliver to Ditmas Park, do you?

I don't know where that is.

Of course, why would you?

And Sufjan Stevens lives out there, so...

My friend knows him. He used to live out there

but he moved.

I don't care.

Is it coming?

How long have we been waiting here, 25 minutes?

Figure it out!

Woman (over loudspeaker): Ladies and gentlemen...

man: What time is it?

man 2: Showtime! Showtime!

I guess the trek's not that bad.

It's pretty fucking dope having all this space.

It's just that she kinda has an odor

that seems to be seeping into our apartment.

Dude, I've been waiting 15 fucking years for a ferret.

All right?

I don't give a fuck what you want, man.

(ice cream truck playing "Turkey in the Straw") Ooh, wanna get ice cream?

Who's buying ice cream at midnight in the rain?

(woman yelling, crying)

(thunder rumbling)

(man yelling)

(ice cream truck playing "Turkey in the Straw")

(whispers) And a turkey in the straw.

(sighs)

Shit.

Mm, love you. Love you.

woman (over telephone): Thank you for holding.

Okay, we can get a technician out there next Friday,

between 8:30 and 5:30.

Nah, nah. No.

I work from home. I run a business.

That's not gonna work for me.

So our place now is like twice as big,

but it's so much less.

And there isn't like all that retail temptation everywhere,

you know, that we had in Williamsburg?

Oh, my God, 100 percent. Great.

Every single time I walk down Bedford Avenue,

I buy a new outfit. (laughs)

Yeah, so, you know.

Okay, just like act normal.

It's just like pre-war details, all that.

That's pretty far out there though.

Yeah, well, the commute's actually not really that bad.

I mean, sometimes the trains get kind of messed up.

woman (over loudspeaker): Ladies and gentlemen...

Because of construction, Stillwell Avenue bound...

I'm getting a lot of reading done right now,

like plowing through old issues of The New Yorker

that've just been stacking up on my iPad.

(soda can clatters)

What the fuck are we gonna do with all this fennel?

I don't know. We can freeze it.

Hey, guys. Hey!

Hi!

I don't see you at yoga anymore, Reagan.

I know. I found the best new yoga place in our new neighborhood.

Hello?

Actually, we're having friends over for dinner tonight,

in our dining room. You guys wanna come?

Uh, yeah! Where's your new place?

Um, Ditmas Park?

Fucking fucks. Right?

I cannot believe he lied right to our face.

(mocking) Oh, yeah, oh, I'm sorry.

I just realized we have plans. I can't go out there!

It's like he just remembered he had plans

after he HopStopped it.

I didn't even wanna hang out with them.

God! (grunting)

My God, what the fuck is that?

They're rich. They could've taken a car here.

Q train's shut down again next weekend.

(ice cream truck playing "Turkey in the Straw")

Please tell me we're not out of weed.

Jen was gonna bring it.

She fucked us!

Yeah, she fucked us.

(humming indistinctly)

? My door is open wide ?

(ice cream truck music playing)

(horn honking)

What the fuck, man? Get out of the way!

Oh, Jesus Christ! (horn blaring)

(music playing)

What the fuck?

(music continues playing)

Congratulations, you made it to the red light first.

Please share the road, man.

Fuck you, man.

You're riding in the middle of the bumbaclot road.

There are kids darting out into the street

because you're selling ice cream, man.

You gotta be fucking careful.

What'd you say to me? Kids are darting out--

You want a piece of me? Huh?

You see this right here?

Shit. Let me show you something.

Not for me.

Driver: Watch where you're riding that thing, man!

Hey, Evan! Evan: Hey.

What's up, man?

Uh, this may be out of your range,

but do you go to Ditmas Park?

It's in between East 18th and East 19th.

You sure it's not too far for you?

Reagan: It's not that far! Sh-sh.

Fuck it, why don't I just try it this one time, and we'll see if it works?

Oh, my God, thank you so much, dude.

The Guy (on phone): I'll be like... Can I move you last?

Yeah, of course.

All right, so I'll be like an hour, hour and a--

Can you help me? Ezra (on phone): An hour and a half.

Got it, man. All right, later.

Man (on phone): What's up, man?

Jesus Christ, what happening, bro?

Talk to me, man. Hello?

Hello? Who is this?

Some dude just handed me the phone.

What's going on? My brother Rob, he's in diabetic shock.

Oh, shit. I think he wandered off.

Do you have something sweet, like some juice or something? Yeah.

Oh, thank you so much, man.

(ice cream truck music playing)

Hey, man!

Hey, I gotta get an ice cream right now.

Get outta here, man. No, dude.

Listen, I'll pay you. Get out of here.

There is a guy down the street.

He's in diabetic shock. Fuck you, get out of here.

Dude, this guy's going to fucking die. No!

Get outta here, man!

Fuck you! I got your fucking face, man!

Get the fuck outta here!

Pick up your phone. This is Ezra.

It keeps going to voice mail.

How long has it been, two-and-a-half hours?

Reagan: Ugh! I feel like we're being punished for moving here.

Yeah, because we are being punished for moving here.

You can't even buy fucking drugs in this neighborhood.

(car horns honking)

The trains keep getting fucked up past Seventh Avenue.

What the fuck is going on out there?

Ugh! I feel like unless you're born rich

or have some corporate fucking soul-crushing job,

you can basically just go fuck yourself!

So what, this guy's not even gonna show up?

He's not gonna call or anything?

(urinating)

We should've never moved here!

Ezra, we couldn't afford anything else!

It's that fucking broker's fault.

He fucking fucked us.

It's not the broker's fault.

Yeah, you know what? It is, actually.

He had a plan the whole time. (toilet flushes)

He took us to that fucking expensive place

that was way out of our price range first,

then he takes us here,

then he took us to that goddamn shitbox

by the projects. (water running)

He knew what he was doing the whole time!

Ugh, and he kept texting when he was driving us around.

We should have gotten out of his fucking car right then and there.

Yeah, instead we write him a check for $2,500.

(scoffs) Sneaky little motherfucker!

I feel like we're spending our money on nothing now.

We're taking cars to Bushwick.

We're buying $275 clogs.

Those are the only shoes I wear.

Are they? Yes.

How about $125 at Marlow & Sons?

Or pot for that matter?

That's a necessary expense.

Oh, really? Is it?

Yeah! It's medication!

I need it so I can stand my fucking job,

so I can make money, so I can pay rent

for this busted-ass place.

My only point is it's one of our biggest expenses.

That's all.

And the way you're acting right now

is a little disproportionate to the situation.

(deep sigh)

Well... fuck!

It's just something that people do.

Some people buy two Frappuccinos a day.

Yeah, those people are also spending too much money,

and they're gonna die of diabetes.

Well, whatever.

Look, I'm with you. (sighs)

We could probably stand to cool it with the weed.

It's a lot. Yeah, it's a lot.

I mean, we can totally take this dude flaking out on us

as like... like an opportunity to change.

That's a good idea.

New place, new us.

Yeah.

And life's not so shitty that...

we have to be stoned for all of it.

Right.

I mean, when you really think about it,

we're like two of the most comfortable people

that have ever existed in all of humanity.

True dat.

I'm gonna do the curtains.

Did we pack that Fernet?

That is just what I was thinking.

(doorbell buzzes)

What do we do?

(doorbell buzzing)

They fucked me.

I don't know, guys. I guess I remembered the wrong address.

Sorry about that, man.

Is this my house?

No, no, we're going to your house next.

Okay, I thought we were going to my house.

No, we are going to your house. (door buzzing)

Oh, okay.

Bye! Stay there!

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(no audible dialogue)

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