Original subtitles

(alarm buzzing)

(soft music plays)

(birds chirping)

(ducks quacking)

Oh, a male cardinal! Right there!

It's a little late in the season for that guy.

Nature's little pinup. Gotcha.

Hey, Ellen. I love your funky bag. Is that new?

I suppose it is.

I got it a couple of weeks ago at Filene's.

No, Nordstrom Rack.

I always get the two of those mixed up.

Me too. It's all the same "made in China" crap, right?

(both chuckle)

Saul, you're gonna get us all arrested.

Step off my balls, Ruth. There's no fuzz out this early.

(mouths)

Oh! Red-breasted Nuthatch, two o'clock.

Ah, gorgeous little fuck.

(phone rings)

Good morning. J.W. Staffing Solutions.

(on phone) Hey. It's Bill Sinclair. Is he in?

He knows why I'm calling.

Uh, he's busy at the moment. Can I take your information, and he'll get back to you?

Bill: He's got my information.

It's just our office is going green.

(man on phone) Oh, I see.

Ellen: So, um, we'd like to discontinue

the 12-ounce bottles.

Woman: We can schedule this for Monday, May 5th.

So you can't fit me in until May 5th?

Woman: Oh, I'm sorry. Unfortunately,

that's the earliest time that we have available. Ellen: It's just that...

Woman: Do you have somebody to accompany you that afternoon?

Is it okay to wait two weeks?

(phone rings)

Good morning. J.W. Staffing Solutions.

Ruth: Hey, it's Ruth. You wanna go to a movie tomorrow?

Oh, that sounds great. Yeah, what are you thinking of seeing?

You know, Robert Redford doesn't look so good anymore.

Remember when he used to look just like Brad Pitts?

He was supposed to do the lead in "The Graduate,"

but they gave it to Dustin Hoffman instead.

Oh, want some of this? No, thank you.

I thought about Lisbon, I thought about Barcelona,

but I think I want to go to Istanbul next but not by myself.

I'm gonna do there with a group.

I mean, Sicily was fine,

but Istanbul is a whole nother can of worms.

Hey, Ruth?

I was wondering if you're busy

on the afternoon of the 5th?

Hospitals in this city are so mismanaged.

I can't believe they're letting you suffer like this, for what?

Two more weeks? Corrupt jerks.

Here, I cut you some apples.

And you can't say no because they match the napkins.

Apple napkins? Owls.

It's all right, Ruth. Really.

The doctor feels like we caught it in time,

and he thinks I'm gonna be fine.

Well, I just don't know why you've been keeping this to yourself.

And you can't just not eat. You're gonna disappear.

So we are gonna order out.

We got Chinese, we got sushi...

Oh! Oh, oh, oh! And we got this great new hummus place.

Ugh!

You go ahead and choose. I'm sorry.

Even the thought of that makes me nauseous.

You know, I have a thought.

I know it may seem a little radical,

but you know who might be able to help us out?

Yeah, these are really nice ladies, okay?

They've never done anything like this before.

So don't be an asshole, OK? Don't be a fucking weirdo.

And don't be late, okay, goddamn it?

I mean, I'll get there when I can, man. It's a pretty busy day for me.

It's 420, weird-voice dude.

Saul: Hey! Who the fuck is that?

You think I don't know that dipshit?

All right, sorry. Uh, just tell her to call me.

Hey, man, do you wanna try one of these?

I know it looks complicated, but it's actually-- yo!

Um, it's actually--

well, it's actually pretty fucking complicated.

Yeah, I do. Hey, man. What happened to your hand? Are you okay?

Oh, yeah. It actually doesn't look so bad today.

I think it looks better, but I think I'm also just saying that

cause I know you don't have health insurance.

(phone chirping) Wanna get down on this, man?

The Guy: Hold on a sec. Ruth: Hi, um, how--

Hi. Call me back, please. Thank you. Great.

Man: Grab this guy, and let's scoop a little bit of this gunk onto there.

Man 2: Alrighty, you have a good one.

(whistling)

(phone chirping)

Your business must be doing very well.

Yeah, it's like today's the Thanksgiving of smoking pot or something.

And this is the kind that makes you wanna eat, right?

Yeah. Yeah, it does that.

Is it very strong? I don't smoke.

How much do you have to do to make something happen?

Oh, Ellen. You're gonna have such a good time.

I remember-- gosh, this was years ago--

Jerry and I got free tickets to a Steely Dan concert.

Jerry got high. Of course I didn't,

but I must have gotten a contact high

because when we got home, I ate two boxes of French bread pizza.

Yeah. You know, just a toot's gonna do you.

I'm sorry I could only roll this one joint, ladies. So sorry.

You know, you can go down to the West Village and get a pipe there,

or, you know, in a pinch, you can just carve a pipe out of an apple or something like that.

Ruth: Huh! An apple? The Guy: Yeah.

That's so clever.

Did you think of that?

Oh, no. People do that. That's--

that's something people do.

You can Google it. I'll see you guys later.

You have my phone number. It was really nice to meet you.

Sorry about the tea, but thank you so much.

Uh, bye! (door opens, closes)

I don't know, I'm very nervous about this.

I'm gonna do it with you, hon. We'll put on some jazz music.

Yeah! We'll just have ourselves

a funky little ladies night.

(giggles)

Yeah, man. I know, I know, I know, I know. So you're on the list.

I got a couple more to go to, but then it's you. Okay?

Man on phone: I'm just checking, man. Don't sweat it.

Thank you. Bye-bye. See you later.

(phone chirps)

Hello?

I think I'm having a stroke.

My lips are numb. They're tingling.

Oh God, oh God, oh God!

And I can't feel my arm. Okay, listen.

You're not having a stroke. You need to take a deep breath,

you just got to, like, chill out. Don't try to kiss me.

Don't kiss me!

Ruth, he's just trying to help.

No. Ruth: Oh, God!

Oh... Ma'am, listen.

Hey, hey, listen. No one's getting kissed tonight, okay?

You just have to relax. All right? You need to relax just for a second.

Look. Look. I have a magic box.

Ever seen this before?

I'm going to put this magic box over your head,

and when I do, you're just gonna...

(mouthing words)

...out in the first place. It's a magic box.

It's a lot of fun. And it's going to make you feel...

Take that fucking box off my head!

Off my head! Oh! Ellen!

Make him take this box off my head, damn it!

Damn it! What? There's not-- there's--

(Ellen laughs) It's not funny!

There's not really a box on your head.

It's not funny!

Is it off?

All right. I have to go.

I have a lot of other stuff to do.

This is a lot of fun. I'm having a good time.

Bye, guys!

(door closes) God. What the fuck?

(jazz plays) Ruth: Ellen?

Are you there? Where did you go?

I'm in here.

(music plays)

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