Original subtitles

So maybe we should talk about who you're, like,

allowed to "do it" with while you're on tour? What?

That sounds like a horrible conversation.

You're going to, like, really white-trash red states

where you're probably gonna meet all sorts of, like,

Ohio State comedy groupies who have crabs.

You saying that I can't be able to discern

whether somebody has crabs or not?

I don't know. They're very small.

You need to lighten up. Stop being jealous,

acting like you the only chucklefucker I can fuck.

I'm not a chucklefucker! Mm-hm...

Reggie Watts? Oh, my God. We made out once, like, three years ago.

B.J. Novak? We just cuddled.

That's even worse than fucking, actually. No, it's not.

Then who's okay in your book?

Don Rickles. Don Rickles?

Yeah. He's cool in your book?

Yeah, give him the pussy.

He's a legend. He deserves it.

? Doctor don't know ?

? But New York was killing me ?

? Bunch of doctors come around ?

? They don't know that New York is killing me ?

I don't know why we don't eat penguins in society. It bothers me.

Everybody got somebody that speak well of them.

Even a serial killer got a buddy.

(crowd laughs)

? Let me tell you city living ain't all ?

? It is cracked up to be ?

You seen the video of these fat girls fighting in the Waffle House?

One of their titties came out.

I don't like it cause I don't have

a good scar story to go with it. I wish I had a good scar.

"Hannibal, how'd you get that scar?"

"It was crazy. It was this guy.

He was trying to stab a puppy." (phone camera clicks)

What the fuck?

Do you sing too?

No, I rap. Can you rap for us?

I'm surprised when I go to a deli. "Can I get a ham sandwich?"

"You sure you want a ham sandwich or just ham in your hands?"

You know what?

Woman over speaker: Would you like cheese on your French fries today?

Cheese on the French fries? Yes.

No.

? Sitting in a mini van ?

? Is it a Chrysler or a Dodge Caravan? ?

? I'm not caring, man ?

? We out here smoking in a mini van ?

Yeah. (laughter)

(crowd laughs)

"Wouldn't it be good if I just started doing jokes?

Come on, funny man, if you funny."

What did the Jewish pedophile say?

Uh... What, "Knock, knock?"

L'chaim. Mazel tov. (laughing)

No, y'all stepping on-- you can't--

You can't guess punchlines. He said, "And that's why

he crossed the road." Manischewitz.

Stop guessing-- why--

Why was he wrongly imprisoned?

Is there a website with a .org domain I can go support?

The Free Sun Tan-- oh, no, you really advertising free sun tan?

Man: Oh, fuck! He's got a gun!

(gunshot) (screaming)

(screaming continues)

Moshe: Yeah, I would assume he doesn't like being shot at.

Neal: No, Hannibal strikes you as the kind of dude who's like "No, man.

I don't fuck with guns." Moshe: Yeah.

Neal: Or he'd be like, "Yo, I hated guns,

and then we went to a shooting range."

Moshe: "And now I like guns." Neal: "And now I love guns."

Moshe: I found out about it in a tweet.

Somebody burst into the shit and started shooting it up,

and it's like, you think this kind of thing will never happen

to somebody that you know, and then...

Anyway, we'll get on the with episode,

but, um, our thoughts are with you, Hannibal.

(shuts off podcast)

Man on voicemail: Hey, brother. Just checking in on you.

Um, they leaving you alone? (chuckles)

It's fucking crazy over here, dude.

"Today Show," John Stewart, CNN, "The New Yorker" just emailed.

Uh, I know you said you didn't want to do any interviews,

but, you know, I just wanted to let you know people are asking.

So if you want me to keep this sort of information to myself going forward, I totally can.

You just let me know. Um... all right.

(phone vibrates)

(phone chimes)

Olivia: So, like, right before my set, Jonathan Ames did this reading,

and it literally went on for, like, 35 minutes.

Like, the first two minutes were funny, but then the rest of it was, like, so painful.

Where should I put this kale so that you remember it,

and it doesn't get all brown and droopy and sad?

I don't care.

Hey... seriously, thanks for letting me come over.

I know you've just been through a lot,

but I really think that you should consider coming out with us tonight.

I think it will make you feel so much better.

I'm not going to your show, Olivia.

(doorbell buzzes) Oh, I have to get that.

Who's that? Heidi.

She just wants to say hi before we go out.

No.

Hey! Hey!

He's not coming. Aw, really? God.

Buck up, son. Anyway...

Oh, I invited Jonathan Ames. He hasn't texted back, though.

Oh, hey, I got it. Oh, we're okay.

No, it's fine. I gotcha.

Put my child down. Jesus.

Private property. Oh, yeah, well, it was a great thing

that you got the brownstone in Brooklyn.

I mean, Westchester, those houses are too much upkeep.

(phone chirps) Hello?

Hannibal: Hey, man. I'm at home.

So I saw this in your vestibule last time,

and I saw it this time, so I just thought I'd take it.

I got to say, I'm kind of interested in what this wizard has to say.

$100,000 to open a bed and breakfast.

$8,000 to learn computers.

It's probably got some facts

that I would like to know about making money.

This is "Gears of War 3."

It's not that scratched. Do you wanna try to play?

Yeah, man. Awesome.

Yeah. Fuck, fuck, fuck!

I was hoping this would be a video game with the wizard.

Remember in Metroid when it turned out she was a girl the whole time?

She took off her helmet, and she had that green hair? That was impressive.

And that was very groundbreaking for me at the time

because I was like, how did she end up on Metroid?

Fucking fuck, dude. Get off of me, Timothy.

I'm calling that fucker Timothy. He looks like a fucking Timothy.

Dude, you're getting all fucked up. Dude.

(video game sound effects)

(turns off video game)

Hey, man. Do you want me to get outta here?

No.

You wanna talk about it?

(clears throat) No.

(texting)

(farts)

(girl laughing) Oh, my God.

Do you remember that one time when we got those cucumbers? Yeah.

And then we-- (laughing)

(mumbling)

Hold on.

Tell us a joke.

He was.

Oh, yeah, what did he say?

Tell us a good joke.

What'd the Jewish pedophile say?

Tell us a funny joke.

It was already funny.

No, it wasn't funny.

You were laughing!

It was bad.

Girl: I think you're funny.

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