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Hey, everybody, we're back with America's
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00:00:15,313 --> 00:00:17,446
favorite girlfriend, Abby McCarthy
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00:00:17,448 --> 00:00:19,315
of the Girlfriends' Guide book series!
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I love 'em, love 'em. Every baby shower,
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the mom-to-be always gets one,
two, or all of those books.
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00:00:24,555 --> 00:00:25,821
Thank you. Yes.
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And you know what's really great?
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They're not bossy.
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- It's more about your own family.
- Right.
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Real advice from a real mom.
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You know, this new book,
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when our kids were finally
both in school, my husband
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00:00:36,234 --> 00:00:38,834
and I looked at each other
and went, "who are you?"
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It was a real adjustment for us,
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00:00:41,071 --> 00:00:43,305
and I just hope that people who
are going through the same thing
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00:00:43,307 --> 00:00:45,241
get something out of this book.
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Wait a minute, how is Jake?
Are things going well there?
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Well, I mean, you know,
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00:00:49,614 --> 00:00:51,747
like I say in the book,
happiness is a moving target,
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00:00:51,749 --> 00:00:53,582
- but Jake and I are...
- Buddy, how's it going?
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We're just connecting in a whole new way.
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You smell like sex.
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Screw you.
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Mommy!
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Good morning, Bun-bun. Oh.
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Give me an eskimo.
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Mm, I love that.
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Daddy, I'm a special
person at school this week.
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You're a special person every week, kiddo.
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Oh, hi, Lils.
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Morning. What's happening?
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Well, volleyball finals are all weekend,
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so I'm missing Jade's birthday party.
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Door closed, please.
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00:02:06,691 --> 00:02:10,726
Yeah, no one needs to see
that before coffee, dad.
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It's a sleepover at the London.
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Her mom's got the penthouse suite.
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Hey, give that to Charlie.
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After volleyball, can't you drive me?
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The London hotel. That just seems crazy.
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Here you go, sweetie.
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- Mom?
- Yeah?
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Is it weird that I like the smell
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of my own farts?
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- Yes.
- No.
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Gross, Charlie.
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- Daddy?
- Mm-hmm.
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You're gonna help me with my
special person board, right?
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- Yeah, of course.
- I'm on it, Bun-bun.
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00:02:34,630 --> 00:02:37,292
_
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Lilly, I thought Jade was the one
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who was writing all those
mean texts about you.
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She was going through some stuff.
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She just found out she's adopted.
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You know what? You're a teenager,
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- and there are gonna be plenty of awesome hotels
- _
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- and awesome parties...
- So I can't go?
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00:02:52,003 --> 00:02:53,969
- In your future.
- Dad.
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00:02:53,971 --> 00:02:57,339
Up to your mom, she who must be obeyed.
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00:02:57,341 --> 00:02:59,008
- Well?
- I will think about it, Lil.
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Now haul ass. We're leaving.
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00:03:00,945 --> 00:03:03,412
Backpack, Charlie.
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Backpack, Charlie.
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Love you.
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Bye.
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00:03:07,451 --> 00:03:09,351
Love you, Lilly.
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00:03:23,601 --> 00:03:26,669
Okay, Charlie and Lilly are in.
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00:03:29,507 --> 00:03:30,906
Hey, guys, what's going on?
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Keep smiling, okay?
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Yes, I will.
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00:03:35,479 --> 00:03:36,478
Coffee, mama?
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00:03:36,480 --> 00:03:38,414
I am seriously still drunk
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00:03:38,416 --> 00:03:40,033
on last night's cava. Have you been...
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People are giving me, like,
a face, like, a sympathy face.
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00:03:43,354 --> 00:03:45,454
- They are? Really?
- Yes.
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00:03:45,456 --> 00:03:46,889
Where are my children?
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I didn't see them.
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00:03:48,326 --> 00:03:49,792
Anouk? Anouk, Luco!
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00:03:49,794 --> 00:03:51,427
- Mrs. Wills.
- What?
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00:03:51,429 --> 00:03:53,796
They were outside trying
to cross the street again.
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00:03:53,798 --> 00:03:55,331
- Oh, my...
- You crazies.
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I told you to stay with mama.
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Sorry.
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Thank you so much.
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I'm horrible. Go to class now.
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00:04:02,907 --> 00:04:05,808
If you see Charlie, just
tell him I have his shoe.
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00:04:05,810 --> 00:04:07,276
Do you think people know?
88
00:04:07,277 --> 00:04:08,743
What? About you and Jake splitting?
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00:04:08,746 --> 00:04:11,447
- Sorry.
- God.
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00:04:11,449 --> 00:04:12,514
- I gotta find Charlie.
- Okay.
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00:04:12,516 --> 00:04:13,749
I will see you...
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00:04:13,751 --> 00:04:15,684
- Later.
- Yes.
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00:04:19,056 --> 00:04:20,789
Ugh, come on.
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00:04:40,878 --> 00:04:43,011
Did you tell anyone at
school about me and Jake?
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00:04:43,013 --> 00:04:45,581
Of course not. I'm a lawyer.
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00:04:45,583 --> 00:04:47,583
- You're not my lawyer.
- Not yet.
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00:04:47,585 --> 00:04:49,585
Just let me know when you're
ready to ditch your moron.
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00:04:49,587 --> 00:04:51,420
Well, people know. I can tell.
99
00:04:51,422 --> 00:04:53,589
Eric Frank eye-banged
me at drop-off.
100
00:04:53,591 --> 00:04:55,057
He's like a divorce-seeking missile.
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00:04:55,059 --> 00:04:57,159
Yeah, well, he
finger-banged Marjorie Davis,
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00:04:57,161 --> 00:04:59,094
- so count yourself lucky.
- Oh, my God.
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00:04:59,096 --> 00:05:00,596
Did you see Dan this morning?
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00:05:00,598 --> 00:05:01,764
Did he look hungover to you?
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00:05:01,766 --> 00:05:03,249
I... we were late.
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00:05:03,250 --> 00:05:04,733
He was out until 3:00 in
the morning last night,
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left the kids with a sitter.
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00:05:06,853 --> 00:05:08,970
Lyla, you cannot have people followed.
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He leaves the kids with
a sitter on his night.
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He can't do that perverted
shit during the day?
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00:05:13,644 --> 00:05:14,977
He's got no job.
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All this anger, you need to let it go.
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You need to cry, be sad.
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You know what makes me cry?
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What a spectacular piece of shit he is.
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50 grand a month I give that man,
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and now he's after my pension.
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All I need to do...
hello... is prove him unfit.
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Then I get the kids, and he can't live
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off the child support.
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- He's entitled to half.
- No.
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If he were a woman, you
would say the same thing.
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If he were a woman, I'd understand
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why he's got no balls, but failing that...
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Keep walking, keep walking, keep walking...
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Hey, Abby! Over here.
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- Hi, good morning.
- Hi.
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00:05:48,813 --> 00:05:50,813
- It's Layla, right?
- Lyla.
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Hey, woman, where have
you been hiding yourself?
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- Sit. Let's catch up.
- We can't.
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We're actually meeting Phoebe inside...
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- Yes.
- For coffee.
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- There she is.
- Hi.
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- I'm gonna go get us a table.
- Great.
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Hello, you beautiful bitches.
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- Mm.
- I will see you inside.
137
00:06:03,160 --> 00:06:05,093
So, hey, I saw Jake at drop-off yesterday.
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Are you guys cleansing?
139
00:06:06,764 --> 00:06:08,197
You look so thin.
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00:06:08,199 --> 00:06:10,032
- I think she's ordering for us.
- Is she?
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- I'm so sorry.
- It could get cold.
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- We'll see you guys later.
- Bye.
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00:06:13,037 --> 00:06:15,838
- Bye.
- Nice seeing you.
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Well, those moms know.
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- Trying to break me. I'm just...
- They are not.
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They are obsessed with
Phoebe and cleansing.
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No, the cleanse is the divorce diet.
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- Hey! Hey!
- No, it's just a cleanse
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- sometimes.
- Max, oh, my God.
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I called you, like, six times,
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00:06:29,553 --> 00:06:30,786
and mom hasn't heard from you either.
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- I know, I'm sorry.
- Thank you so much.
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- You're welcome.
- Lyla, did you say hi to Max?
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Hi, Max.
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- Hi.
- Um...
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00:06:38,696 --> 00:06:43,499
So are you, like, friends
with those two now or...
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You know what?
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Um, I'm gonna call you back,
I promise, and I love you.
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Your brother's super foxy.
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Her brother, super foxy?
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- Are you in a tab commercial?
- No.
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I have got to stop avoiding him.
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He's really getting suspicious.
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00:07:00,851 --> 00:07:02,885
Why haven't you told him
yet? You're very close.
165
00:07:02,887 --> 00:07:04,653
- Just tell him.
- We are.
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00:07:04,655 --> 00:07:07,055
It's just that he is incredibly
traditional about some things.
167
00:07:07,057 --> 00:07:08,657
Yeah, but you can't keep
this a secret forever.
168
00:07:08,659 --> 00:07:09,858
Jake hasn't been living at home for weeks.
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Yeah, but we've been very careful.
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He's always home before the kids get up.
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00:07:12,630 --> 00:07:13,862
- But nobody sees you together.
- Yeah.
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00:07:13,864 --> 00:07:15,797
And suddenly you're hanging around with us.
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The whores with the
Scarlet D on their chests.
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I wouldn't characterize it like that.
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00:07:18,702 --> 00:07:19,735
No, I would.
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I actually thought that about yours.
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00:07:20,771 --> 00:07:22,004
I think it's time.
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You got to tell your kids you're separated.
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Keeping this a secret...
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00:07:24,296 --> 00:07:25,584
Betsy Brown Braun says it's better not to.
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00:07:25,585 --> 00:07:26,873
She says separation's so vague, and...
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00:07:26,877 --> 00:07:28,310
Who's Betsy Brown Braun Braun?
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00:07:28,312 --> 00:07:29,645
Betsy Brown Braun.
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00:07:29,647 --> 00:07:30,913
Fantastic specializing...
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- Amazing.
- In divorce and children.
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00:07:32,116 --> 00:07:33,715
- I have her on speed dial.
- Great to know.
187
00:07:33,717 --> 00:07:35,284
But maybe I won't even have
to tell the kids at all,
188
00:07:35,286 --> 00:07:37,553
because if Jake moves back in,
189
00:07:37,555 --> 00:07:39,054
then we all go back to normal,
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00:07:39,056 --> 00:07:42,624
and the kids will never have
to even know he was gone.
191
00:07:42,626 --> 00:07:48,330
But he's been promiscuous
and, uh, not discreet.
192
00:07:48,332 --> 00:07:50,032
I know he's been dating,
193
00:07:50,034 --> 00:07:52,868
and he has been rubbing my nose in it,
194
00:07:52,870 --> 00:07:55,904
but he's allowed because we are on a break.
195
00:07:55,906 --> 00:07:59,308
We are taking a time-out
to explore what we want.
196
00:07:59,310 --> 00:08:01,910
What he wants is a sports car
197
00:08:01,912 --> 00:08:05,347
and club snatch.
198
00:08:05,349 --> 00:08:07,616
Abby,
199
00:08:07,618 --> 00:08:10,185
Ralf saw him at the
Château with the CW actress.
200
00:08:10,187 --> 00:08:13,322
They were getting a room.
201
00:08:13,324 --> 00:08:15,357
Uh, sorry.
202
00:08:15,359 --> 00:08:16,658
Sorry.
203
00:08:16,660 --> 00:08:19,795
Not my business. Um...
204
00:08:19,797 --> 00:08:22,731
A CW actress. Does she play a parent?
205
00:08:22,733 --> 00:08:24,700
We are just telling you this
because we think it's time
206
00:08:24,702 --> 00:08:25,834
- for you to move on.
- What's her name?
207
00:08:25,836 --> 00:08:27,035
- I don't know.
- We don't know...
208
00:08:27,037 --> 00:08:28,303
- Phoebe.
- And we don't care.
209
00:08:28,305 --> 00:08:29,271
- Phoebe.
- I don't know.
210
00:08:29,273 --> 00:08:30,372
- Tell me.
- We don't know.
211
00:08:30,374 --> 00:08:31,673
- You are lying to me.
- We don't know.
212
00:08:31,675 --> 00:08:33,008
Becca Riley.
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00:08:41,538 --> 00:08:45,606
Born in 1989. 1989!
214
00:08:45,625 --> 00:08:48,026
Jake and I graduated college in 1989.
215
00:08:48,028 --> 00:08:49,555
- All right.
- Do you know that he texted me this morning
216
00:08:49,570 --> 00:08:51,003
asking me for more money for his expenses?
217
00:08:51,004 --> 00:08:53,337
- Okay, Abby, Abby, breathe.
- These are his expenses?
218
00:08:53,340 --> 00:08:54,206
- Abby, relax.
- No.
219
00:08:54,307 --> 00:08:55,173
- Will you just...
- This is not good.
220
00:08:55,276 --> 00:08:56,909
Nice work, Wikileaks.
221
00:09:02,450 --> 00:09:03,582
Oh my God. It...
222
00:09:03,584 --> 00:09:04,850
What did you say?
223
00:09:04,852 --> 00:09:07,453
- Ugh.
- Okay.
224
00:09:07,455 --> 00:09:09,889
"Which bills do you need
me to pay specifically?
225
00:09:09,891 --> 00:09:13,259
The suite at the Château, the
Princess Diaries on demand?"
226
00:09:13,461 --> 00:09:16,395
Nice. "Therapy for Lilly
when she finds out her dad
227
00:09:16,397 --> 00:09:18,830
trolls for dates at
One Direction concerts?"
228
00:09:18,832 --> 00:09:21,182
Wow. That's a good response.
229
00:09:21,184 --> 00:09:22,375
- Good response.
- I know.
230
00:09:22,786 --> 00:09:25,387
You know what? I think we
need to go to a sweat lodge.
231
00:09:25,389 --> 00:09:27,689
We need to purge of this toxic crap.
232
00:09:27,691 --> 00:09:31,059
I say she needs to buy
things, you dirty hippie.
233
00:09:32,730 --> 00:09:34,029
Here's the upside.
234
00:09:34,031 --> 00:09:36,298
It's over with Jake.
You know you can move on.
235
00:09:36,300 --> 00:09:37,766
It's not that simple.
236
00:09:37,768 --> 00:09:40,369
- I mean, Jake's angry because...
- Screw that.
237
00:09:40,371 --> 00:09:41,770
Why aren't you exploring?
238
00:09:41,772 --> 00:09:43,639
Use your sexual amnesty while you have it.
239
00:09:43,641 --> 00:09:44,940
- You can't smoke in here.
- Mm.
240
00:09:44,942 --> 00:09:46,008
- It's not...
- They're organic.
241
00:09:46,010 --> 00:09:47,042
- She...
- Here. Try some.
242
00:09:47,044 --> 00:09:49,277
- Oh, no rules for Phoebe!
- No.
243
00:09:49,279 --> 00:09:51,246
The first thing I did when Ralf and I split
244
00:09:51,248 --> 00:09:53,281
was fly to Berlin and
screw myself into a coma.
245
00:09:53,283 --> 00:09:54,683
Oh, my God, we should all go.
246
00:09:54,685 --> 00:09:55,684
My au pair can stay with our kids.
247
00:09:55,686 --> 00:09:56,718
- Sure.
- Yes.
248
00:09:56,720 --> 00:09:57,686
Let us get right on that.
249
00:09:57,688 --> 00:09:59,221
At the very least,
250
00:09:59,222 --> 00:10:00,755
you should come out with me one
night when Jake has the kids.
251
00:10:00,758 --> 00:10:02,024
Ralf opened a new club.
252
00:10:02,026 --> 00:10:03,158
You're always hanging out with your ex.
253
00:10:03,160 --> 00:10:04,760
- It's unusual.
- I know, it's shocking.
254
00:10:04,762 --> 00:10:08,063
I like him, and he gets
me impossible reservations.
255
00:10:08,065 --> 00:10:09,398
You need this.
256
00:10:09,400 --> 00:10:10,799
Excuse me.
257
00:10:10,801 --> 00:10:12,668
- You can't smoke in here.
- Every time.
258
00:10:12,670 --> 00:10:15,337
- Sorry.
- Sorry.
259
00:10:15,339 --> 00:10:17,072
- You just got in trouble.
- Whoop.
260
00:10:17,074 --> 00:10:19,441
♪ Abby's gonna get her groove on ♪
261
00:10:19,443 --> 00:10:21,977
- ♪ Abby's gonna get her groove ♪
- Oh, my God.
262
00:10:23,047 --> 00:10:24,913
No, I mean, I would, but it's just...
263
00:10:24,915 --> 00:10:25,566
What?
264
00:10:26,417 --> 00:10:30,048
Uh, you know, the idea of
somebody new seeing me naked
265
00:10:30,050 --> 00:10:33,722
- and baby boobs.
- So fix 'em.
266
00:10:33,724 --> 00:10:37,959
I have the best tit doctor in the world.
267
00:10:37,961 --> 00:10:39,461
- Touch 'em.
- Really?
268
00:10:39,463 --> 00:10:41,163
- Yeah, just... full frontal, go.
- I will.
269
00:10:41,165 --> 00:10:42,931
Okay.
270
00:10:42,933 --> 00:10:44,232
- Wow!
- They're pretty good, right?
271
00:10:44,234 --> 00:10:45,467
- That is impressive!
- I mean, impressive.
272
00:10:45,469 --> 00:10:47,803
I mean, I don't feel a bag or anything.
273
00:10:47,805 --> 00:10:50,005
No, it's like, seamless operation.
274
00:10:50,007 --> 00:10:51,440
Yeah!
275
00:10:51,442 --> 00:10:52,941
Don't mind them. She's
just showing off her work.
276
00:10:52,943 --> 00:10:54,309
- Sorry.
- Sorry.
277
00:10:54,311 --> 00:10:57,713
Amazing. Dr. Marber is an artist.
278
00:10:57,715 --> 00:11:00,449
Dr. Marber? No way.
279
00:11:00,451 --> 00:11:02,984
- Do it.
- Oh, wow.
280
00:11:02,986 --> 00:11:05,454
Oh, my God! Ah!
281
00:11:05,456 --> 00:11:07,155
Wow, that is... thank you.
282
00:11:07,157 --> 00:11:10,258
Four matching boobs. They are gorgeous.
283
00:11:13,263 --> 00:11:16,732
Where are my pores? I look like a cyborg.
284
00:11:16,734 --> 00:11:19,301
I know, isn't it great?
285
00:11:19,303 --> 00:11:21,837
Look, it's just for the
book tour stuff, you know.
286
00:11:21,839 --> 00:11:25,240
Fine, just go with it. Android.
287
00:11:25,242 --> 00:11:27,976
Oh, now, we're getting media
requests for the whole family
288
00:11:27,978 --> 00:11:30,045
- together, you know, Dr. Phil.
- No.
289
00:11:30,047 --> 00:11:32,013
- Dr. Oz.
- No.
290
00:11:32,015 --> 00:11:33,582
Any of the doctors?
291
00:11:33,583 --> 00:11:35,150
No. No, I don't want
the kids on television.
292
00:11:35,152 --> 00:11:36,218
Why not?
293
00:11:36,220 --> 00:11:38,186
I mean, you wrote about them.
294
00:11:38,188 --> 00:11:39,855
Your readers feel like they know you,
295
00:11:39,857 --> 00:11:41,790
like they've watched your kids growing up.
296
00:11:41,792 --> 00:11:43,125
In their imaginations.
297
00:11:43,127 --> 00:11:44,993
Reality, have you seen my daughter?
298
00:11:44,995 --> 00:11:47,529
She's all lithe and gorgeous.
299
00:11:47,531 --> 00:11:49,931
She's, like, a minute
away from Cruise's guy
300
00:11:49,933 --> 00:11:51,767
asking her to be Tom's next child bride.
301
00:11:51,769 --> 00:11:54,069
Just you and Jake then.
302
00:11:54,071 --> 00:11:56,972
He's not as cute as the kids,
but I'll take what I can get.
303
00:11:56,974 --> 00:11:59,307
You know, it's not just
you that we're selling.
304
00:11:59,309 --> 00:12:00,342
It's the whole family.
305
00:12:00,344 --> 00:12:01,409
He's very busy.
306
00:12:01,411 --> 00:12:03,178
Doing what?
307
00:12:03,180 --> 00:12:06,214
He is prepping an indie
that he is going to direct.
308
00:12:06,216 --> 00:12:08,283
So is our waiter.
309
00:12:08,285 --> 00:12:12,287
Look, tell him he's coming, no excuses.
310
00:12:12,289 --> 00:12:15,056
Sure.
311
00:12:15,058 --> 00:12:16,792
- Everything okay?
- I'm fine.
312
00:12:16,794 --> 00:12:17,893
I'll tell him. I'll tell him.
313
00:12:17,895 --> 00:12:19,795
It's not that I don't care.
314
00:12:19,797 --> 00:12:21,296
I just don't care right now.
315
00:12:21,298 --> 00:12:23,064
All right? I got to go.
316
00:12:23,066 --> 00:12:24,199
Okay.
317
00:12:24,201 --> 00:12:25,567
- You're going.
- All right.
318
00:12:25,569 --> 00:12:27,235
- All right, baby.
- Bye.
319
00:12:27,237 --> 00:12:30,205
See you and Jake, Barnes & Noble,
320
00:12:30,207 --> 00:12:32,207
I'll have the press there,
321
00:12:32,208 --> 00:12:34,208
do a couple of interviews,
a couple of happy snaps.
322
00:12:34,211 --> 00:12:36,812
- Easy peasy.
- Yeah.
323
00:12:36,814 --> 00:12:38,346
- You look great.
- Bye, Cat. Thank you.
324
00:12:38,348 --> 00:12:41,149
Bye, darling.
325
00:12:41,151 --> 00:12:42,551
Easy peasy.
326
00:12:42,553 --> 00:12:45,987
Cat said that Jake needs
to be at the book signing.
327
00:12:45,989 --> 00:12:49,090
He does. United front
sells books, you know.
328
00:12:49,092 --> 00:12:50,425
If he's not there, it hurts the brand.
329
00:12:50,427 --> 00:12:52,127
Jake doesn't care about the brand,
330
00:12:52,129 --> 00:12:54,062
and besides, I basically
called him a child molester.
331
00:12:54,064 --> 00:12:55,330
So what? You know what?
332
00:12:55,331 --> 00:12:56,597
These guys, they don't see the big picture.
333
00:12:56,600 --> 00:12:58,466
This is about your financial future.
334
00:12:58,468 --> 00:13:01,036
You, Lilly, Charlie. This is important.
335
00:13:01,038 --> 00:13:03,205
Oh, there's Dan.
336
00:13:03,207 --> 00:13:04,306
He's gonna want to talk about money,
337
00:13:04,308 --> 00:13:06,007
I can guarantee you... these guys.
338
00:13:06,009 --> 00:13:07,542
Call me after.
339
00:13:07,544 --> 00:13:09,845
Bye.
340
00:13:09,847 --> 00:13:11,112
Yes, Poppy.
341
00:13:11,114 --> 00:13:13,181
Yes, it's a doorbell. I know, sweet pea.
342
00:13:13,183 --> 00:13:14,616
I know, I know, I know.
343
00:13:14,618 --> 00:13:18,086
- Niños! Como estan?
- Hi, hi, hi, hi.
344
00:13:18,088 --> 00:13:21,890
Hi. I missed you.
345
00:13:21,892 --> 00:13:23,091
Get over here.
346
00:13:23,093 --> 00:13:24,092
- I missed you so much.
- Ouch.
347
00:13:24,094 --> 00:13:25,594
I know ouch.
348
00:13:25,596 --> 00:13:29,030
There are surprises in your
rooms if you go into your rooms.
349
00:13:29,032 --> 00:13:30,665
- Thank you, Juanita.
- Si, señora.
350
00:13:30,667 --> 00:13:33,335
Don't do that. They don't need
surprises just for coming home.
351
00:13:33,337 --> 00:13:36,104
Yes, they do. What are you feeding Eric?
352
00:13:36,106 --> 00:13:38,273
- He's getting breasts.
- No, he's not.
353
00:13:38,275 --> 00:13:40,075
So they said get a bunch of ladybugs
354
00:13:40,077 --> 00:13:42,611
'cause it's supposed to take
care of something in the gar...
355
00:13:42,613 --> 00:13:45,347
aphids or something like that, like...
356
00:13:45,349 --> 00:13:50,085
I wanted to tell you
before you heard around,
357
00:13:50,087 --> 00:13:51,419
I met somebody.
358
00:13:55,959 --> 00:13:57,993
Well, I hope you two will be very happy
359
00:13:57,995 --> 00:13:59,527
together in your dungeon.
360
00:13:59,529 --> 00:14:01,229
Does she know about your adventures?
361
00:14:01,231 --> 00:14:03,231
That's over. I just... this
new thing is getting serious.
362
00:14:03,233 --> 00:14:07,334
Hang on. You told me you
committed to a new lifestyle.
363
00:14:07,337 --> 00:14:09,204
I thought I did.
364
00:14:09,206 --> 00:14:12,240
I think... I just
365
00:14:12,242 --> 00:14:15,176
craved being humiliated
when you and I were together.
366
00:14:15,178 --> 00:14:17,345
You know, I've done a lot
of work on myself, babe,
367
00:14:17,347 --> 00:14:19,264
and if you remember,
368
00:14:19,265 --> 00:14:21,182
it was work that I thought
you and I should do together.
369
00:14:21,184 --> 00:14:25,253
I remember you hemorrhaging
my money to a dominatrix.
370
00:14:25,255 --> 00:14:26,688
- You did.
- No.
371
00:14:26,690 --> 00:14:30,058
You gave up when you licked the boot, babe.
372
00:14:41,204 --> 00:14:43,204
Juanita has made too much food.
373
00:14:43,206 --> 00:14:48,410
Would you like to eat with me and the boys?
374
00:14:48,412 --> 00:14:50,078
Yeah.
375
00:15:13,070 --> 00:15:14,402
You are so competitive.
376
00:15:20,377 --> 00:15:22,010
Okay, that stays between us.
377
00:15:22,012 --> 00:15:23,111
I think we deserve one for the road.
378
00:15:23,113 --> 00:15:25,146
Good.
379
00:15:27,517 --> 00:15:28,984
Okay.
380
00:15:28,986 --> 00:15:31,019
No more chicken nuggets for Eric.
381
00:15:31,021 --> 00:15:32,253
Right. Call you tomorrow.
382
00:15:32,255 --> 00:15:34,356
Okay.
383
00:15:43,133 --> 00:15:44,366
Hi.
384
00:15:44,368 --> 00:15:46,634
Yes, I would like to report a drunk driver.
385
00:15:53,110 --> 00:15:54,376
Oh, no.
386
00:16:17,335 --> 00:16:18,534
- Hi.
- Hey.
387
00:16:18,536 --> 00:16:20,136
- Hi, Uncle Max. Hi, Ford.
- Logan, Logan.
388
00:16:20,138 --> 00:16:22,204
- We're late again.
- Whoa.
389
00:16:22,206 --> 00:16:24,206
It's Charlie's special day,
so we have to get into school.
390
00:16:24,208 --> 00:16:26,242
Dad, carry this inward,
so nobody can see it.
391
00:16:26,244 --> 00:16:28,110
All right, go ahead. All
right, come on inside.
392
00:16:28,112 --> 00:16:29,111
- Max.
- Go ahead. Go ahead.
393
00:16:29,113 --> 00:16:30,546
- Dad, inward!
- I got it.
394
00:16:30,548 --> 00:16:33,182
I'll take the boys in.
You look spectacular...
395
00:16:33,184 --> 00:16:34,517
- Thank you.
- As always.
396
00:16:34,519 --> 00:16:36,252
Will you please tell my
husband pajama pants are not
397
00:16:36,254 --> 00:16:37,420
acceptable drop-off wear?
398
00:16:37,422 --> 00:16:39,155
Oh, do you want me to wait in the car,
399
00:16:39,157 --> 00:16:40,289
so you won't be embarrassed or...
400
00:16:40,291 --> 00:16:42,658
- Please.
- Okay.
401
00:16:42,660 --> 00:16:43,659
Come on.
402
00:16:43,661 --> 00:16:45,161
- Hey.
- Hi.
403
00:16:45,163 --> 00:16:46,696
Let's go, buddy, we don't want to be late.
404
00:16:46,698 --> 00:16:48,331
What's going on with you and Jake?
405
00:16:48,333 --> 00:16:51,251
I'm hearing rumors.
406
00:16:51,252 --> 00:16:54,170
Okay, um, you know that
we've been in therapy.
407
00:16:54,172 --> 00:16:55,471
Mm.
408
00:16:55,473 --> 00:16:57,573
Well, we are taking a break.
409
00:16:57,575 --> 00:16:59,208
Jesus, Abby.
410
00:16:59,210 --> 00:17:01,277
Well, I knew you guys were having problems.
411
00:17:01,279 --> 00:17:02,478
Why didn't you tell me?
412
00:17:02,480 --> 00:17:04,380
Because we're trying to keep it a secret.
413
00:17:04,381 --> 00:17:06,281
Well, hanging out with your
new girlfriends isn't helping.
414
00:17:06,284 --> 00:17:07,283
Phoebe and Lyla.
415
00:17:07,285 --> 00:17:09,285
Uh-huh. What about it?
416
00:17:09,287 --> 00:17:12,355
Oh, come on, Abby, they're
the poster models for divorce.
417
00:17:12,357 --> 00:17:14,423
We used to mock them,
remember, with their surgeries
418
00:17:14,425 --> 00:17:16,058
and their outfits and their kegels.
419
00:17:16,060 --> 00:17:17,193
Well, I was wrong about them,
420
00:17:17,195 --> 00:17:18,461
and they've really been there for me.
421
00:17:18,463 --> 00:17:21,330
That's because they got divorced.
422
00:17:21,332 --> 00:17:23,099
You have to know they're encouraging you.
423
00:17:23,101 --> 00:17:26,002
- Misery loves company.
- That is so not fair.
424
00:17:26,304 --> 00:17:28,938
I have to go to Charlie's
thing, but we will talk.
425
00:17:28,940 --> 00:17:31,173
- Okay?
- Okay. Okay.
426
00:17:31,175 --> 00:17:33,643
Abby, Abby.
427
00:17:33,645 --> 00:17:37,446
I know you guys can work it out.
428
00:17:37,448 --> 00:17:39,215
Me too. Thank you.
429
00:17:39,217 --> 00:17:41,250
Pajama pants.
430
00:17:41,252 --> 00:17:43,519
If you weren't so good-looking,
they'd take away your gay card.
431
00:17:47,926 --> 00:17:50,927
Uh, hey, I need... not a favor exactly...
432
00:17:50,929 --> 00:17:52,228
- but the book signing at the...
- Hey, where do you get off
433
00:17:52,230 --> 00:17:54,063
sending those texts,
Abby? We're on a break.
434
00:17:54,065 --> 00:17:55,464
- I'm sorry.
- I mean, the Princess Diaries?
435
00:17:55,466 --> 00:17:57,500
Well, it was funny, but you know what?
436
00:17:57,502 --> 00:17:59,468
I had a reaction, and I'm sorry. Yeah.
437
00:17:59,470 --> 00:18:03,205
But at the signing, we need
to present a united front.
438
00:18:03,207 --> 00:18:05,174
- What's that mean?
- You have to come.
439
00:18:05,176 --> 00:18:08,210
The book won't sell if
people think we're in trouble.
440
00:18:08,212 --> 00:18:09,946
Well, then it won't sell.
441
00:18:09,947 --> 00:18:11,681
Bad enough that the kids have
to live with everyone reading
442
00:18:11,683 --> 00:18:13,582
about their adorable poops
and the bed wetting and...
443
00:18:13,584 --> 00:18:15,584
Those poops put you through film school.
444
00:18:15,586 --> 00:18:16,585
Hey, you know, maybe you
should write a book about lying
445
00:18:16,587 --> 00:18:17,620
'cause it turns out
446
00:18:17,621 --> 00:18:18,654
- you're really good at it.
- Nice.
447
00:18:18,656 --> 00:18:20,256
Hello.
448
00:18:20,258 --> 00:18:22,325
- Hi.
- Charlie's ready for you.
449
00:18:22,327 --> 00:18:24,260
Great.
450
00:18:24,262 --> 00:18:26,329
My mommy writes books about us.
451
00:18:26,331 --> 00:18:29,565
She was even on TV one time.
452
00:18:29,567 --> 00:18:33,202
This is me, mommy, and
daddy on Splash Mountain.
453
00:18:33,204 --> 00:18:35,271
Best day ever.
454
00:18:43,614 --> 00:18:45,715
Screw it.
455
00:18:50,388 --> 00:18:52,388
Hey, mama, what's up?
456
00:18:52,390 --> 00:18:53,723
You win.
457
00:18:53,725 --> 00:18:55,992
Get me laid.
458
00:19:00,565 --> 00:19:02,098
Dan can't drive for at least three months.
459
00:19:02,100 --> 00:19:03,532
Doesn't look good in family court.
460
00:19:03,534 --> 00:19:05,468
If he's deemed unfit, I
get full custody. Boom.
461
00:19:05,470 --> 00:19:07,069
No child support for the ginger man.
462
00:19:07,071 --> 00:19:08,738
- I'm judging you.
- Don't give me the gesture.
463
00:19:14,078 --> 00:19:15,444
Where is everybody?
464
00:19:15,446 --> 00:19:18,314
This is fab-u-lous.
465
00:19:18,316 --> 00:19:20,082
No one's dancing.
466
00:19:20,084 --> 00:19:21,217
Look at you.
467
00:19:21,219 --> 00:19:22,284
- Hey, baby.
- Come on.
468
00:19:22,286 --> 00:19:24,253
Told you we'd make it.
469
00:19:24,255 --> 00:19:26,422
Fantastic.
470
00:19:26,424 --> 00:19:27,723
Ladies, lovely to see you.
471
00:19:27,725 --> 00:19:29,725
Will, would you like to show these beauties
472
00:19:29,727 --> 00:19:31,761
to the other room?
473
00:19:31,763 --> 00:19:35,031
Absolutely, yes.
474
00:19:36,367 --> 00:19:38,467
It's like hipster Disneyland.
475
00:20:08,099 --> 00:20:09,632
I'm so glad we're friends, mama.
476
00:20:09,634 --> 00:20:12,368
Me too.
477
00:20:12,370 --> 00:20:14,837
Here you go.
478
00:20:14,838 --> 00:20:17,305
Oh, you, sir, are made of rainbows.
479
00:20:17,308 --> 00:20:18,741
You bring great joy to many.
480
00:20:18,743 --> 00:20:21,277
Yes, I do.
481
00:20:25,283 --> 00:20:26,849
What's the story with you and Ralf?
482
00:20:26,851 --> 00:20:29,085
You two seem awfully friendly.
483
00:20:29,087 --> 00:20:32,088
- Don't judge.
- No judge.
484
00:20:32,090 --> 00:20:35,624
- He gets off on paying me now.
- Child support?
485
00:20:35,626 --> 00:20:39,628
No, he has to pay that and alimony.
486
00:20:39,630 --> 00:20:42,498
- This is for services rendered.
- What?
487
00:20:42,500 --> 00:20:44,500
- I know.
- Really? No.
488
00:20:44,502 --> 00:20:46,469
I get these calls sometimes
in the middle of the day.
489
00:20:46,471 --> 00:20:47,670
He's just dying for it.
490
00:20:47,672 --> 00:20:50,773
So I just... I raise the
price up and up and up,
491
00:20:50,775 --> 00:20:53,109
and he just goes up and up and up.
492
00:20:53,111 --> 00:20:54,643
Like a new pair of Louboutins or...
493
00:20:54,645 --> 00:20:57,346
like a Tesla.
494
00:20:57,348 --> 00:20:59,115
- What?
- And now that...
495
00:20:59,117 --> 00:21:00,449
Oh, my God.
496
00:21:00,451 --> 00:21:02,685
Now that it's illicit again, he's obsessed.
497
00:21:02,687 --> 00:21:05,354
Oh, my God. I called you a whore.
498
00:21:05,356 --> 00:21:06,355
Please, mama, I was a model.
499
00:21:06,357 --> 00:21:09,625
I am a whore.
500
00:21:09,627 --> 00:21:11,293
No, I got a nice settlement from Ralf,
501
00:21:11,295 --> 00:21:13,195
but it's always good to put money away.
502
00:21:13,197 --> 00:21:14,363
Yeah.
503
00:21:14,364 --> 00:21:15,530
Thinking about starting a business.
504
00:21:15,533 --> 00:21:16,765
- Really?
- Yeah.
505
00:21:16,767 --> 00:21:18,767
You and Lyla are, like, these independent,
506
00:21:18,769 --> 00:21:21,170
lean-in women. I want that too.
507
00:21:21,172 --> 00:21:23,272
- What kind of business?
- I don't know.
508
00:21:23,274 --> 00:21:25,274
I'm meditating on it.
509
00:21:25,276 --> 00:21:28,844
Definitely something that helps people.
510
00:21:28,846 --> 00:21:30,246
But I didn't come to talk about me.
511
00:21:30,248 --> 00:21:33,649
I came to talk about you. What's up?
512
00:21:33,651 --> 00:21:36,886
I've seen at least five hot guys
try to get in your pants, no go?
513
00:21:36,888 --> 00:21:39,555
It's just... it's too strange.
514
00:21:39,557 --> 00:21:43,392
Why? Jake didn't waste
any time getting out there.
515
00:21:43,394 --> 00:21:45,494
You need to be touched, Abby.
516
00:21:45,496 --> 00:21:47,897
I know I do.
517
00:21:47,899 --> 00:21:50,166
You don't do something soon,
518
00:21:50,168 --> 00:21:52,635
I'm gonna have to take
matters into my own hands.
519
00:21:52,637 --> 00:21:53,903
Okay.
520
00:21:53,905 --> 00:21:55,638
What?
521
00:22:02,780 --> 00:22:04,547
It'll do you good, mama.
522
00:22:04,549 --> 00:22:07,183
That's what friends are for.
523
00:22:35,080 --> 00:22:36,247
Hey.
524
00:22:36,248 --> 00:22:37,320
Forgot your phone.
525
00:22:37,449 --> 00:22:40,250
Oh, sorry, thank you.
526
00:22:40,319 --> 00:22:43,820
I thought that I was leaving,
and then I ended up...
527
00:22:43,822 --> 00:22:48,091
Oh, no, it happens all the time.
528
00:22:48,093 --> 00:22:49,893
- You okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
529
00:22:49,895 --> 00:22:51,661
Just... weird night.
530
00:22:51,663 --> 00:22:54,064
- Yeah.
- And I got kissed.
531
00:22:54,066 --> 00:22:56,666
Oh, I saw that. Yeah.
532
00:22:56,668 --> 00:22:57,734
Yeah.
533
00:22:57,736 --> 00:23:00,970
So is that how you roll?
534
00:23:00,972 --> 00:23:04,107
Who knows? I have not rolled in so long.
535
00:23:07,746 --> 00:23:10,747
You are not married.
536
00:23:10,749 --> 00:23:11,702
No.
537
00:23:11,750 --> 00:23:14,450
Because when you're married,
this invisible wall goes up,
538
00:23:14,453 --> 00:23:20,424
and one side is Legos and
stomach flus and farting
539
00:23:20,426 --> 00:23:24,127
and date nights, and then
on the other side is bars
540
00:23:24,129 --> 00:23:26,563
and sexting, snorting,
541
00:23:26,565 --> 00:23:28,365
and bisexuals.
542
00:23:28,367 --> 00:23:31,001
But when you're on the farting side,
543
00:23:31,003 --> 00:23:34,071
you really don't believe in the other side.
544
00:23:34,073 --> 00:23:35,405
- Here it is.
- Yes.
545
00:23:37,276 --> 00:23:38,642
You people have been here all along.
546
00:23:38,644 --> 00:23:42,179
Yeah. Sad but true.
547
00:23:42,181 --> 00:23:45,515
This is what I do. I talk to the bartender.
548
00:23:45,597 --> 00:23:49,099
Actually, the manager, but,
you know, it's all right.
549
00:23:49,101 --> 00:23:52,669
I'll let it go.
550
00:23:52,671 --> 00:23:57,207
I like talking to you.
551
00:23:57,209 --> 00:24:02,446
Can I... try something?
552
00:24:02,448 --> 00:24:03,714
Please.
553
00:24:03,716 --> 00:24:06,249
Okay.
554
00:24:29,575 --> 00:24:31,608
That's how I roll. Thank you.
555
00:24:31,610 --> 00:24:34,678
Wait. Whoa, whoa, no, whoa.
556
00:24:34,680 --> 00:24:36,546
Not so fast.
557
00:24:42,087 --> 00:24:44,288
Oh, hey, man.
558
00:24:44,289 --> 00:24:46,490
Abby, this is Mike, my
roommate, and, uh, those guys.
559
00:24:46,492 --> 00:24:49,426
- Hi.
- Hey.
560
00:24:49,428 --> 00:24:51,361
Aah!
561
00:24:51,363 --> 00:24:54,731
What are you reading?
562
00:24:54,733 --> 00:24:57,667
- Oh, elephant things.
- Yeah.
563
00:24:57,669 --> 00:25:00,470
Hey, come here.
564
00:25:00,472 --> 00:25:03,473
I just need, uh, a minute.
565
00:25:03,475 --> 00:25:06,276
I, um...
566
00:25:06,278 --> 00:25:07,711
It's been a long time,
567
00:25:07,713 --> 00:25:10,080
and you would be my first younger man.
568
00:25:10,082 --> 00:25:13,116
Um, not that much. 28.
569
00:25:13,118 --> 00:25:15,552
That's funny.
570
00:25:15,554 --> 00:25:16,753
You know, I've never been with a woman
571
00:25:16,755 --> 00:25:18,622
who's had children before, so that's...
572
00:25:18,624 --> 00:25:23,460
Wow. Okay, well, on a
scale from one to ten,
573
00:25:23,462 --> 00:25:26,596
one being a virgin and ten
being throwing a hot dog
574
00:25:26,598 --> 00:25:31,134
down a hallway, I would
say that I am a five.
575
00:25:31,136 --> 00:25:33,737
That... that is good to know.
576
00:25:45,150 --> 00:25:47,150
I'm gonna undress you now.
577
00:25:47,152 --> 00:25:50,220
It'll make the sex easier.
578
00:26:00,766 --> 00:26:05,235
- You're a looker, aren't you?
- Thank you.
579
00:26:05,237 --> 00:26:07,504
No, I mean, you're an eye looker.
580
00:26:07,506 --> 00:26:12,609
You look at women with your eyes.
581
00:26:12,611 --> 00:26:15,812
As opposed to my elbows?
582
00:26:15,814 --> 00:26:18,582
Wow, you are beautiful.
583
00:26:20,385 --> 00:26:23,453
Sorry. Sorry.
584
00:26:27,226 --> 00:26:29,392
- Sorry.
- Yeah, no, of course.
585
00:26:29,394 --> 00:26:33,530
Hey. It's 2:00 in the morning!
586
00:26:33,532 --> 00:26:36,833
I'm sorry you can't sleep.
587
00:26:36,835 --> 00:26:40,504
No, I have not decided
about Jade's birthday party.
588
00:26:40,506 --> 00:26:42,239
Tomorrow.
589
00:26:42,241 --> 00:26:43,640
I promise.
590
00:26:43,642 --> 00:26:46,543
Go to sleep.
591
00:26:46,545 --> 00:26:49,412
I love you.
592
00:26:49,414 --> 00:26:51,648
Teenage drama.
593
00:26:51,650 --> 00:26:53,383
I think I should just go home.
594
00:26:53,385 --> 00:26:54,818
No, no, no, no, no.
595
00:26:54,820 --> 00:26:57,354
No way. No.
596
00:26:57,356 --> 00:27:01,558
I am gonna give you the
younger man experience.
597
00:27:14,473 --> 00:27:16,540
Shivers.
598
00:27:16,542 --> 00:27:20,544
I think I'm a little natural
for you guys down there.
599
00:27:20,546 --> 00:27:23,513
No. No, no, no, that's cool. I like that.
600
00:27:23,515 --> 00:27:24,514
You do?
601
00:27:24,516 --> 00:27:25,949
I'm really hairy.
602
00:27:53,779 --> 00:27:54,911
Balls.
603
00:27:54,913 --> 00:27:57,847
- What?
- Balls. Touch 'em.
604
00:27:57,849 --> 00:28:01,618
- Touch 'em.
- Oh, sorry.
605
00:28:05,390 --> 00:28:08,825
- Jake. Oh, that's... oh, God.
- Yep.
606
00:28:08,827 --> 00:28:10,427
- I'm sorry.
- Nope. No. It's fine.
607
00:28:10,429 --> 00:28:11,661
- That's horrible.
- It's fine. It's okay.
608
00:28:11,663 --> 00:28:13,330
- It's a bad habit.
- It's okay.
609
00:28:13,332 --> 00:28:14,564
- It's okay.
- I'm so sorry.
610
00:28:14,566 --> 00:28:17,934
Abby, I'm really trying to focus here.
611
00:28:17,936 --> 00:28:21,238
I'm working hard, wouldn't you say?
612
00:28:34,031 --> 00:28:36,731
Incredible.
613
00:28:36,733 --> 00:28:38,800
Yeah, it was.
614
00:28:42,572 --> 00:28:44,739
I mean, it's been so long,
you could have just put it in
615
00:28:44,741 --> 00:28:46,775
and not moved, and my
mind would have blown,
616
00:28:46,777 --> 00:28:48,710
so don't get a big head.
617
00:28:48,712 --> 00:28:50,445
I mean, we did go more than once.
618
00:28:50,447 --> 00:28:52,447
Yeah, but you're, like, two,
619
00:28:52,448 --> 00:28:54,448
so you probably had six
orgasms already today.
620
00:28:54,451 --> 00:28:56,818
Five, but who's counting?
621
00:29:02,826 --> 00:29:06,494
So, um...
622
00:29:06,496 --> 00:29:09,464
You think you can? You know...
623
00:29:09,466 --> 00:29:12,434
Stay married?
624
00:29:12,436 --> 00:29:17,105
He found these emails
between me and someone else.
625
00:29:17,107 --> 00:29:18,707
Did you love him?
626
00:29:18,709 --> 00:29:22,110
It was intense but never physical.
627
00:29:22,112 --> 00:29:26,481
He was just great with words.
628
00:29:26,483 --> 00:29:30,452
Stupid.
629
00:29:30,454 --> 00:29:34,489
Maybe I wanted to get caught.
630
00:29:34,491 --> 00:29:37,125
Anything but go on the way we were.
631
00:29:37,127 --> 00:29:39,461
Oh, I'm sorry.
632
00:29:39,463 --> 00:29:42,530
I don't know how...
that must have been hard.
633
00:29:51,808 --> 00:29:55,110
I want to cook for you.
634
00:29:55,112 --> 00:29:59,981
Can you hang out tomorrow?
635
00:29:59,983 --> 00:30:01,549
Come on, you had a lot to drink.
636
00:30:01,551 --> 00:30:02,984
Why don't you stay?
637
00:30:02,986 --> 00:30:04,953
I'm fine.
638
00:30:04,955 --> 00:30:06,454
Well, how do I get a hold of you?
639
00:30:06,456 --> 00:30:08,390
Let's just let it happen.
640
00:30:08,392 --> 00:30:11,126
What? What does that even mean?
641
00:30:11,128 --> 00:30:13,828
- Bye.
- Bye.
642
00:30:13,830 --> 00:30:18,633
- Hang on. Here.
- Oh, thank you.
643
00:30:18,635 --> 00:30:20,802
- There you go.
- Thanks.
644
00:30:20,804 --> 00:30:24,139
Thanks a lot. Really.
645
00:30:47,831 --> 00:30:50,165
Hey, it's me.
646
00:30:50,167 --> 00:30:51,733
Are you okay?
647
00:30:51,735 --> 00:30:54,702
Yeah. Um, good news.
648
00:30:54,704 --> 00:30:55,870
My vagina is not dead.
649
00:30:55,872 --> 00:30:57,906
It was just in a coma.
650
00:30:57,908 --> 00:31:01,075
Oh, that is good news.
651
00:31:01,077 --> 00:31:05,180
The bad news is that I
said Jake's name twice.
652
00:31:05,182 --> 00:31:08,049
It's like 1/3 of my sex vocabulary.
653
00:31:08,051 --> 00:31:10,518
Can't just shake it off,
huh, all those years?
654
00:31:12,889 --> 00:31:15,123
Sweet pea, it's 5:00 A.M.
655
00:31:17,961 --> 00:31:19,694
Crap.
656
00:31:48,091 --> 00:31:53,928
Um, about the book signing today...
657
00:31:53,930 --> 00:31:55,830
Was it him?
658
00:31:55,832 --> 00:32:00,268
Oh, God. I told you it wasn't like that.
659
00:32:00,270 --> 00:32:02,937
- I can't do this anymore, Abby.
- The shrink says...
660
00:32:02,939 --> 00:32:04,105
Oh, my God, screw the shrink!
661
00:32:04,107 --> 00:32:05,206
There's no way this is good for anybody.
662
00:32:05,208 --> 00:32:06,608
Shh! Shh! The kids, the kids.
663
00:32:06,610 --> 00:32:08,576
Sneaking in, having sex with other people?
664
00:32:08,578 --> 00:32:09,728
- Jesus.
- You did, right?
665
00:32:09,729 --> 00:32:10,879
You had sex with somebody
else. You want to get into this?
666
00:32:10,881 --> 00:32:12,814
- Really?
- Yes.
667
00:32:12,816 --> 00:32:14,282
Well, who you gonna bang
now that Gossip Girl's
668
00:32:14,284 --> 00:32:17,652
- off the air, Jake?
- After we were separated, Abby.
669
00:32:17,654 --> 00:32:18,953
- You're the one who...
- I never touched him.
670
00:32:18,955 --> 00:32:20,955
No, no. What you did was worse.
671
00:32:20,957 --> 00:32:24,158
Yeah, you felt for him
and confided in somebody.
672
00:32:24,160 --> 00:32:25,293
- Because he listened!
- Confided in him.
673
00:32:25,295 --> 00:32:26,795
Oh, Jesus.
674
00:32:26,796 --> 00:32:28,296
He didn't feign interest
while he surfed the web!
675
00:32:28,298 --> 00:32:30,832
He didn't take a dump while I
was pouring my heart out to him.
676
00:32:30,834 --> 00:32:32,166
- Oh, it happened once.
- I begged you.
677
00:32:32,168 --> 00:32:33,902
I asked you, "talk to me,"
678
00:32:33,904 --> 00:32:35,136
"make love to me."
679
00:32:35,138 --> 00:32:36,871
I was tired.
680
00:32:36,873 --> 00:32:38,973
For five years?
681
00:32:44,247 --> 00:32:46,614
- You want to make love?
- What?
682
00:32:46,616 --> 00:32:48,116
Let's do it. No, I mean, we've talked,
683
00:32:48,118 --> 00:32:49,651
and we've talked, and we've talked.
684
00:32:49,653 --> 00:32:52,287
It's gotten us nowhere.
685
00:32:52,289 --> 00:32:54,188
Let's make love.
686
00:32:54,190 --> 00:32:55,779
Is this, like, a man thing,
687
00:32:55,780 --> 00:32:57,369
like, someone else peed on me
and now you need to pee on me?
688
00:32:57,370 --> 00:32:58,959
Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up.
689
00:33:11,641 --> 00:33:13,575
- Take off your dress.
- No, I can't.
690
00:33:13,577 --> 00:33:14,776
I can't, I can't, I can't.
691
00:33:14,778 --> 00:33:17,178
Jesus Christ.
692
00:33:17,180 --> 00:33:18,947
- I'm sorry.
- Is your skin crawling?
693
00:33:18,949 --> 00:33:20,214
- Is that what it's like now?
- It's not your fault.
694
00:33:20,216 --> 00:33:21,683
That your skin is crawling?
695
00:33:21,685 --> 00:33:22,717
Let's just make an
appointment with the shrink.
696
00:33:22,719 --> 00:33:23,785
We can't talk without a doctor?
697
00:33:23,787 --> 00:33:25,153
- No, I just don't want...
- No!
698
00:33:25,155 --> 00:33:26,154
To say anything that we can't take back!
699
00:33:26,156 --> 00:33:27,889
Why not?
700
00:33:27,891 --> 00:33:30,158
Are you fighting for this
because it's what you want
701
00:33:30,160 --> 00:33:31,793
or because you just can't
admit that you failed?
702
00:33:31,795 --> 00:33:33,828
- That is not fair.
- No, you're the answer lady.
703
00:33:33,830 --> 00:33:34,829
You sell answers.
704
00:33:34,831 --> 00:33:36,264
- Great family.
- I do not sell.
705
00:33:36,266 --> 00:33:37,632
And who's gonna want your answers?
706
00:33:37,634 --> 00:33:39,834
I write about things I loved.
707
00:33:39,836 --> 00:33:41,035
I loved us.
708
00:33:41,037 --> 00:33:42,971
Screw you and your past tense.
709
00:33:42,973 --> 00:33:44,305
- Oh.
- Yeah.
710
00:33:44,307 --> 00:33:45,607
We're done. We're over.
711
00:33:45,609 --> 00:33:46,708
- And then what?
- Yeah.
712
00:33:46,710 --> 00:33:48,276
And then what? Two houses?
713
00:33:48,278 --> 00:33:49,711
Kids shuttling back and forth?
714
00:33:49,713 --> 00:33:51,245
Lawyers? I don't want that life.
715
00:33:51,247 --> 00:33:52,780
Well, too bad. You made your bed.
716
00:33:52,782 --> 00:33:54,616
No, no, don't put this on
me because I'm right here.
717
00:33:54,618 --> 00:33:56,050
With your skin crawling, Abby!
718
00:33:56,052 --> 00:33:57,785
Well, Jake, and yours not?
719
00:33:57,787 --> 00:33:59,921
You could not have gotten
out of here fast enough
720
00:33:59,923 --> 00:34:01,222
once you had an excuse,
721
00:34:01,224 --> 00:34:02,757
and for what? What did you want?
722
00:34:02,759 --> 00:34:03,925
Those stupid jeans?
723
00:34:03,927 --> 00:34:05,660
- That stupid car and all the...
- Screw you.
724
00:34:05,662 --> 00:34:07,328
Manscaping?
725
00:34:07,330 --> 00:34:09,230
Or is it just all the new
pussy making you crazy?
726
00:34:09,232 --> 00:34:12,300
Oh, it's the old pussy.
727
00:34:14,771 --> 00:34:15,903
- Hey, Abby.
- No!
728
00:34:15,905 --> 00:34:17,038
- Come on.
- You don't get to say that!
729
00:34:17,040 --> 00:34:18,706
- Yeah.
- No!
730
00:34:18,708 --> 00:34:19,941
Abby, please. Abby.
731
00:34:19,943 --> 00:34:21,342
What are you doing?
732
00:34:21,344 --> 00:34:23,411
Mommy!
733
00:34:23,413 --> 00:34:25,647
Go back to your room.
734
00:34:25,649 --> 00:34:27,281
I know you guys are getting a divorce.
735
00:34:27,283 --> 00:34:28,416
We're not getting a divorce.
736
00:34:28,418 --> 00:34:31,052
Abby, yes, we are.
737
00:34:31,054 --> 00:34:34,155
We're not lying to you anymore.
738
00:34:34,157 --> 00:34:36,991
What's a divorce?
739
00:34:39,195 --> 00:34:40,862
Mom, I'm not an idiot.
740
00:34:40,864 --> 00:34:42,730
Dad doesn't even live here anymore.
741
00:34:42,732 --> 00:34:44,732
Lilly.
742
00:34:44,734 --> 00:34:46,434
- Why didn't you say anything?
- I don't know, mom.
743
00:34:46,436 --> 00:34:49,971
I thought maybe that'd be your job.
744
00:34:49,973 --> 00:34:54,008
And are you wearing my earrings?
745
00:34:54,010 --> 00:34:56,778
Oh, my God.
746
00:34:56,780 --> 00:34:58,913
Lilly.
747
00:35:00,817 --> 00:35:03,184
Lilly.
748
00:35:03,186 --> 00:35:04,919
It's your penis.
749
00:35:04,921 --> 00:35:06,320
It's not a penis, honey.
750
00:35:06,322 --> 00:35:09,424
Penis, penis, penis.
751
00:35:21,938 --> 00:35:23,938
- Mom?
- Yeah, baby.
752
00:35:23,940 --> 00:35:25,973
Next year when I'm a special person,
753
00:35:25,975 --> 00:35:29,944
will you and daddy both come,
or will I have to do it twice?
754
00:35:29,946 --> 00:35:31,813
No, just once,
755
00:35:31,815 --> 00:35:33,715
and daddy and I will still
do lots of stuff with you.
756
00:35:33,717 --> 00:35:35,450
Okay? Promise.
757
00:35:35,451 --> 00:35:37,184
Okay, bye, mom. I'll see you after school.
758
00:35:37,187 --> 00:35:39,053
- I love you.
- I love you too.
759
00:35:39,055 --> 00:35:41,189
Have a good day.
760
00:35:50,934 --> 00:35:54,001
Hey.
761
00:35:54,003 --> 00:35:57,338
Come to talk to me, please?
762
00:35:57,340 --> 00:36:02,276
I thought we were keeping
it together, but it's over.
763
00:36:02,278 --> 00:36:04,212
Jake said he's calling a lawyer today.
764
00:36:04,214 --> 00:36:05,980
Yeah.
765
00:36:05,982 --> 00:36:07,982
- Abby.
- Yeah.
766
00:36:07,984 --> 00:36:09,784
That doesn't mean he really will.
767
00:36:09,786 --> 00:36:11,285
You want me to go talk to him?
768
00:36:11,287 --> 00:36:13,387
No. Max, it's done.
769
00:36:13,389 --> 00:36:14,422
He's gone.
770
00:36:14,424 --> 00:36:17,158
He's banging some actress.
771
00:36:17,160 --> 00:36:18,760
Becca Riley from the CW.
772
00:36:18,762 --> 00:36:21,863
He's banging Becca Riley?
773
00:36:21,865 --> 00:36:24,265
Sorry. Sorry.
774
00:36:24,267 --> 00:36:26,668
Oh, my God.
775
00:36:26,669 --> 00:36:29,070
I got my book signing
at Barnes & Noble today.
776
00:36:29,072 --> 00:36:31,839
How am I gonna sell?
777
00:36:33,343 --> 00:36:36,511
I'm a liar, awful, pants on fire.
778
00:36:36,513 --> 00:36:39,547
You're only a liar if you give up.
779
00:36:42,485 --> 00:36:47,221
Happens, but you don't leave.
780
00:36:47,223 --> 00:36:48,923
That's what we all signed up for.
781
00:36:48,925 --> 00:36:50,024
That's marriage.
782
00:36:50,026 --> 00:36:54,996
But it's not always that simple.
783
00:36:54,998 --> 00:36:57,265
I guess I don't understand.
784
00:36:57,267 --> 00:37:00,301
It's not like anybody was getting hit
785
00:37:00,303 --> 00:37:03,404
or was an alcoholic or anything.
786
00:37:05,375 --> 00:37:07,175
I'm so sorry I didn't get hit.
787
00:37:07,177 --> 00:37:10,011
I realize that's hard for you.
788
00:37:10,013 --> 00:37:11,410
What? Abby, no, don't. Don't.
789
00:37:12,179 --> 00:37:14,579
Abby, I didn't mean it that way.
790
00:37:14,581 --> 00:37:16,815
I didn't mean it that way!
791
00:37:29,363 --> 00:37:31,263
- There you are.
- I got your text.
792
00:37:31,265 --> 00:37:32,715
- Are you okay?
- Just my makeup
793
00:37:32,716 --> 00:37:34,166
- and having to sell books.
- Why are you crying?
794
00:37:34,168 --> 00:37:35,567
Oh, no. Come here.
795
00:37:35,569 --> 00:37:37,169
Kids know. Lilly knew.
796
00:37:37,171 --> 00:37:38,303
Come here.
797
00:37:38,305 --> 00:37:40,238
Jake wants to file,
798
00:37:40,240 --> 00:37:45,177
- and I had sex with some hot guy.
- You little dog.
799
00:37:45,179 --> 00:37:46,711
And then I yell out Jake's name.
800
00:37:46,713 --> 00:37:48,280
You know, I closed my eyes,
801
00:37:48,282 --> 00:37:50,282
and it was like the ghost of Jake yelling,
802
00:37:50,284 --> 00:37:52,801
"touch my balls. Touch my balls."
803
00:37:52,802 --> 00:37:55,319
Yeah, but, you know, new balls
make us nostalgic, you know.
804
00:37:55,322 --> 00:37:56,855
- You're only human.
- And then the kid was like,
805
00:37:56,857 --> 00:37:59,391
- "let's hang, and let's cook."
- That's nice.
806
00:37:59,393 --> 00:38:01,193
- That's awful.
- Two houses.
807
00:38:01,195 --> 00:38:03,662
- Two of everything.
- Don't get ahead of yourself.
808
00:38:03,664 --> 00:38:05,230
- Take it easy. What do you need?
- I can't breathe.
809
00:38:05,232 --> 00:38:07,666
- I have ativan, klonopin.
- Oh, my God, I can't breathe.
810
00:38:07,668 --> 00:38:08,700
- Dilaudid.
- Okay.
811
00:38:08,702 --> 00:38:10,235
- I have Vico-doodles.
- You pick.
812
00:38:10,237 --> 00:38:11,870
- Okay.
- God.
813
00:38:11,872 --> 00:38:13,572
Good, good, good, good. Do you have water?
814
00:38:13,574 --> 00:38:15,607
- You ready?
- Okay.
815
00:38:15,609 --> 00:38:16,842
- Here you go.
- You're okay.
816
00:38:16,844 --> 00:38:19,078
And so it's such a treat to have her here.
817
00:38:19,079 --> 00:38:21,313
Please welcome the author
of the Girlfriends' Guide
818
00:38:23,183 --> 00:38:24,649
How to love your husband
819
00:38:24,651 --> 00:38:27,719
and your family without losing your mind,
820
00:38:27,721 --> 00:38:29,321
Abby McCarthy.
821
00:38:31,325 --> 00:38:34,493
Thank you.
822
00:38:34,495 --> 00:38:38,296
Thank you.
823
00:38:38,298 --> 00:38:40,549
I just... I want to...
824
00:38:40,550 --> 00:38:42,801
I want to actually really
thank my incredible friends.
825
00:38:42,803 --> 00:38:44,469
So gorgeous.
826
00:38:44,471 --> 00:38:47,772
We are very close, and, you know...
827
00:38:47,774 --> 00:38:52,244
Phoebe showed us her
boobs. That makes us close.
828
00:38:52,246 --> 00:38:56,414
And, uh, okay, I'm gonna... right.
829
00:38:57,784 --> 00:39:02,454
Um, I think that my book
830
00:39:02,456 --> 00:39:06,258
can help you get your groove on,
831
00:39:06,260 --> 00:39:11,363
and I, uh, believed it all when I wrote it.
832
00:39:15,469 --> 00:39:19,271
But now I think, "what
a pile of horseshit."
833
00:39:19,273 --> 00:39:22,874
I mean, it should be
called Not in Love Anymore?
834
00:39:22,876 --> 00:39:24,409
You Can Stay Married.
835
00:39:24,411 --> 00:39:26,211
What did you give her?
836
00:39:26,213 --> 00:39:27,345
Don't blame the pills.
837
00:39:27,347 --> 00:39:28,413
But screw that.
838
00:39:28,415 --> 00:39:30,582
You deserve more than that.
839
00:39:30,584 --> 00:39:33,218
I mean, women can be funny.
840
00:39:33,220 --> 00:39:37,656
We can be so there and so present,
841
00:39:37,658 --> 00:39:41,693
but if our hearts shut down,
842
00:39:41,695 --> 00:39:45,363
you can open them again with a blowtorch,
843
00:39:45,365 --> 00:39:50,902
and this book, I mean,
844
00:39:50,904 --> 00:39:52,904
I still think there's
some good advice in there
845
00:39:52,906 --> 00:39:57,709
if you actually feel something, honestly,
846
00:39:57,711 --> 00:39:59,978
and I wasn't trying to sell you a lie.
847
00:39:59,980 --> 00:40:04,516
I was...
848
00:40:04,518 --> 00:40:07,452
I mean, there were times when I
would watch my husband sleeping,
849
00:40:07,454 --> 00:40:10,222
and I would just think,
850
00:40:10,224 --> 00:40:12,958
"if you would just die,
it'd be so much easier."
851
00:40:25,572 --> 00:40:27,706
Does anyone want their book signed?
852
00:40:27,708 --> 00:40:29,808
Seriously?
853
00:40:32,646 --> 00:40:34,746
Okay.
854
00:41:08,749 --> 00:41:11,583
Well, she's screwed.
855
00:41:19,000 --> 00:41:21,706
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