All language subtitles for Frasier - 8x12 - The Show Must Go Off.HDTV.NoTV.en

ROZ: Frasier, l knew
when you bought me lunch,

there was going to be a catch.

- How long is this gonna take?
- Well, it shouldn't take too long, Roz.

l can't believe l'm actually scouring
a science-fiction convention

for X-Men comics.

l feel l'm contributing
to the decline of my son's intellect.

Then why are you doing it?

Well, because l said no
to the eyebrow ring.

Oh, excuse me, good sir.

Could you direct me, please,
to Cubby's World of Comics?

- Yeah, it's right over there.
- Oh.

Thank you. Thank you very much.
You're a fierce but helpful people.

Oh, stop.

- Good Lord. That's Jackson Hedley.
- Who?

FRASlER: Jackson Hedley,
the famous Shakespearean actor.

He came to my school
when l was a teen,

did a show of soliloquies,
began my love affair with the Bard.

Excuse me, Roz, l think l'll just go
pay my respects to Mr. Hedley.

Excuse me. Um, what's
Jackson Hedley doing here?

Signing autographs
and being awesome.

They've got the whole cast
of Space Patrol coming this weekend.

Jackson Hedley
was on a television show?

What, are you kidding?
He's Tobor, the ship's android.

Where you been, man?

l don't know.

Reading, attending the theatre,
getting haircuts.

Hi, Roz.

Hi, Noel.

So you're a closet Trekker.

l always had a feeling
we were more than mere coworkers.

This explains the heat between us.

l feel heat, all right.
Because l'm in hell.

- There you are, Dwayne.
- Thanks, Tobor.

FRASlER:
Hello, Mr. Hedley.

May l say
it's an honour to see you again.

Thank you. So, what would you like
to be autographed today?

Actually, l already have
your autograph.

l got it after seeing
your performance of Hamlet.

Oh, my.

- That was a long time ago.
- But not forgotten.

May l say, on behalf
of my brother and myself,

thank you for opening our young eyes
to the wonders of Shakespeare.

You are more than welcome.

Tell me, do you get to do
much theatre anymore?

Oh, no, l'm afraid
those days are over.

The show became so popular,

l can't get cast as anything
but an android, a cyborg,

or when l get a chance
to really spread my wings, a mutant.

Well, what a shame.
For you and the theatre.

Oh, you are very kind.

Well, my fans await.
lt was lovely meeting you, Mr...

Frasier Crane.

Thank you, Mr. Hedley.

lt just breaks my heart
to see that man reduced to this.

So demeaning.

Well, so he's not
doing Shakespeare,

but look, he's got tons of fans
that worship him.

What's so demeaning about that?

Hey, Tobor, would you do
my kid's birthday party?

Here's my card.

Travel time is extra
and l eat by myself.

- Hey, look who l found at the airport.
- Oh.

Welcome home, Dad.
So how was Florida?

Oh, it was a whirlwind.

Duke and l hit the dog track,

and then we met the Michael Jordan
of jai alai players at the Red Lobster.

But the place l went back to most of all
was Captain Pete's Gator Farm.

Ah, ah. Did you go see
the Hemingway home?

Well, you know, Fras,
you can't squeeze everything in.

But l tell you,
these gators are amazing.

You're out in the glades
in this fan boat,

and it's just you and Captain Pete
and a cooler full of raw chickens.

To think l wasted
my last vacation in Vienna.

Then he dangles a chicken at the end
of a stick and before you know it,

a 1 5-foot monster
comes rushing out of the water.

And he's yelling:

''Hurry up and take the picture.
This son of a bitch is heavy!''

That's delightful, Dad.

- Where's Daphne?
- My honey bunny has the flu.

Aww, that's too bad.

Probably got it standing
in front of an open refrigerator.

Nice to have you back, Dad.

- Frasier.
- Oh, thank you, Niles.

- You will never guess what l found.
- Hm?

This is the autograph Jackson Hedley
gave me in junior high school.

Oh, Niles.

''Dear Coach Pellit, please excuse
Niles from gym for obvious reasons.''

- The other side.
- l figured.

''To Niles, my kingdom
for more fans like you.

Jackson Hedley.'' Gosh.

That's lovely.

Of course, l'm still envious
that you got to see him again.

You wouldn't be
if you'd been at that convention.

To see the man who defined Hamlet

reduced to hawking T-shirts
and sci-fi gewgaws.

- lt's a terrible waste of talent.
- Tragic.

No artist should have to endure that.

lf only people could see him
the way we did.

Niles,

how difficult would it be
to mount Jackson's one-man show?

lt's relatively simple.

That's true. There's minimal scenery,
no supporting ca--

- Wait a minute, are you suggesting--?
- Well, why not?

There's certainly no shortage
of theatres in this town.

We could do it on a Monday
when they're dark anyway.

We could revive the man's career.

What a gift it would be to return this
man to the stage where he belongs.

lt would be like repaying him
for giving us the gift of Shakespeare.

And if the evening goes very well,
who knows?

We could be in for a long run.
We might take it on the road.

Why not a television special?
A much larger audience.

lt could become a cottage industry:

T-shirts, posters,
personal appearances.

Thank God we've come along
to save this man.

- Oh, Niles.
- Cheers.

[FOOTSTEPS]

FRASlER: Gosh, Niles, l can't wait
to show Jackson his new venue.

Gosh, what an honour it is

to be reuniting such a great talent
with the stage. ls he here yet?

No, he's cutting the opening ribbon
at Galaxy Mattresses.

Well, once this show opens,

he'll be able to throw away
his oversized novelty shears.

Yes.

Ooh, l just came from the box office.
Ticket sales are going at a brisk pace.

l've got half the station coming.

l've got a group coming
from the wine club.

We've done a good job
of getting the word out.

- That's why we get to be producers.
- Yes, yes.

Hello, lads.

Mr. Hedley,
please join us on the stage.

- Yes, or shall we say, on your stage.
- Oh, yes.

[JACKSON GASPS]

Oh, it is such a long time
since l've trod the boards.

Do you really think people
are going to pay money

to see me after all these years?

The way things are going,
we expect a sellout.

One week from today, you'll be
looking out on a packed house.

Really? Do you know the one thing
that l don't miss about performing live?

lt's the jitters. lt's the dry heaves.

- Maybe this wasn't the best idea.
- No, no, sir, please. Please.

The theatre is your true destiny.

lt courses through your veins.
lt fills your lungs.

This is your stage.

Welcome home.

And you said
you'd never produced before.

Ladies and gentlemen,

l bring you to a hall

in Elsinore castle.

Denmark.

[JACKSON WAlLS]

l die, Horatio.

[GASPS]

The potent poison
quite o'ercrows my spirit.

[JACKSON GASPS]

l cannot live
to hear the news from England,

but l do prophesy
th' election lights on Fortinbras.

[JACKSON GASPS]

He has my dying voice.

The rest is...

[WHlSPERS]
...silence.

[GASPS]

You know, you boys were right.
lt's as if l never left.

Hey, Fras.
Just got my alligator pictures back.

- Oh.
- Take a look.

FRASlER:
Mm-hm.

- This?
- That's Captain Pete.

Right.

- That's the gator boat.
- Uh-huh.

- That's the chicken.
- Yeah.

Oh, and that's him.
The one l call Snappy.

What's that?

Oh, that's Duke's bypass scar.
l had to use up the roll.

[DOORBELL RlNGS]

Yes, well, we'll have to look
at these later, Dad. That'd be Niles.

He's here to discuss our show.

You want a show?
Well, take a tip from me, Mr. Producer.

One alligator, one chicken,
one satisfied audience.

Oh, hello, Niles. Come in.

l got your message.
lt sounded urgent.

Yes, yes, it's about Jackson.

Oh, please don't tell me
he's getting any worse.

Yesterday, l saw the stagehands
passing out earplugs.

lt's not his fault. He's only rusty.

After years on that
ridiculous space opera,

he's picked up some bad habits.

Well, l was fortunate enough to find
a videotape of his one-man show.

Once he sees this, it will remind him
of what good acting is.

You know, shake loose
the artist from the android.

That, sir, is why you are the first Crane
in Crane and Crane Productions.

Thank you, Niles. All right, listen.

Jackson's on his way over here.
Let's take a quick peep at this.

Oh. His Lear. Oh, gosh,
that brings back memories.

Here, let me turn up the volume.

JACKSON [ON TV]:
Blow, winds, and crack your cheeks.

Rage! Blow!

You cataracts and hurricanoes,

spout till you
have drenched our steeples,

drowned the cocks.

He's awful.

The man has no instincts.

Just stinks.

l guess we were
just too young to know it.

Frasier, this is going to be humiliating,
not just for us, but for Jackson.

What are we gonna do?

What all good producers do.

We'll shut down
and blame the director.

[DOORBELL RlNGS]

That'll be Jackson now.

All we have to do
is get Jackson to bow out gracefully

and we'll refund all the tickets.

Hello, lads.

Please, come in, Mr. Hedley.

Ah, you must be the Crane pater.

lt is a pleasure to encounter
the headwaters

whence spring these twin rivers

upon which l have launched
my humble craft.

Likewise.

l'm telling you,
one gator, one chicken.

Please, Mr. Hedley,
won't you sit down?

Yeah.

Oh, l see my producers
have long faces.

l think l know why.

- You do?
- Well, it's obvious, isn't it?

lt is to us.

Well, your worries are at an end.

l've fired the director.
The man's a clod.

l mean, not even the stagehands
follow his directions.

He shouts at them
and they pretend not to hear.

Mr. Hedley, it's not the director.

- We have a problem.
- What sort of problem?

FRASlER:
Let me be frank.

Because an artist of your calibre
deserves honesty.

An acting performance
is a journey of discovery.

This brief rehearsal time
that we've given you

is far too short to reach Parnassus,

home of the muses.

Forgive us for being so blunt.

Oh, l see.
We're getting to the real problem.

l've got untested producers
and they've got the jitters.

But not to worry,
it's perfectly natural.

Do you know
l've never worked with producers

who haven't wanted to pull the plug
before the opening night?

But l won't let you quit.

This show is going on.

ln the words of our great author:

Stiffen the sinews,
summon up the blood.

Disguise fair nature
with hard-favour'd rage,

then lend the eye a terrible aspect.

l think he's getting better, don't you?

[AUDlENCE CHATTERlNG]

MAN:
Fifteen minutes to curtain.

Look out there.

Everybody we know is out there.

Look at all those smiling faces,

soon to be frozen
in a rictus of revenge.

- The place is packed.
- lt's standing room only.

You know, Niles,

l think we may have exceeded
maximum occupancy.

That could be a fire hazard.

lt would be a shame if someone
should call the fire marshal

and he should shut us down.

Yes, it would.

A damn shame if the old phone
in the marshal's office

would start to jingle, jing--

Just call!

- Ten minutes to curtain.
- No, l'm sorry.

l believe that your watch
happens to be a tad fast.

lt's electromagnetically set
to Greenwich Mean Time.

Get me a Sprite.

Well?

The marshal will be here
as quickly as he can.

Five-alarmer in the paper district.

Just our luck.

What are we going to do now?

Hey, guys.

- Roz.
- This is Jackson Hedley's father.

l found him wandering around
looking for Jackson.

- Lovely to see you.
- Thank God l'm not late.

You know,
l'm Jackson's lucky charm.

Do you know he's so superstitious,

one day l didn't turn up
for opening night

and he refused to go on.

ls that so?

We must get you to him immediately.
You see, you're at the wrong theatre.

Yes, yes, Jackson's performing
clear across town.

But the sign outside says
''An Evening with Jackson Hedley.''

Yes, l know.
You see, there's been a terrible snafu.

- Snafu.
- With the marquee letters.

You see, they got ours,
we got theirs.

- What's playing here?
- Cats.

Ah. l love Cats.

Who doesn't?
But surely you love your son more.

Yes. Luckily this young lady
knows this town inside out.

Roz, please escort Mr. Hedley
to the Portland Playhouse ASAP.

- But--
- There's no time for buts. Do it now.

- All right, let's go, Mr. Hedley.
- Oh, please, call me Cecil.

All right, Cecil.

Do you know, l have
a predilection for brunettes.

[ROZ AND CEClL CHUCKLlNG]

Shall we go break
the bad news to our star?

Yes.

[SlNGlNG]

Mr. Hedley,
l'm afraid we have some bad news.

lt's about your father.
lt seems his plane is going to be late.

You mean my father
won't make it for the show?

We know this must be
devastating to you.

On the contrary.

For once my performance
won't be inhibited

by that judgemental nitpicker.

Tonight l can really cut loose.

Those seats in the very back row
will be rattling.

That is good news.

Five minutes to curtain.

And now, if you'll excuse me,

it's time to centre.

Any more ideas?

These are the producers.
The fire marshal's here.

Do you guys have any idea
how many people you got out there?

You're way over capacity.

You're not going to shut us down,
are you?

Frasier, l knew we shouldn't have
added all those dry wooden seats.

Well, maybe next time
you'll know better.

Has anyone seen my other skull?

Mr. Hedley,
l'm afraid we have some bad news.

Hey, you're Tobor.

Correct.

l used to watch your show
all the time.

l even have that old Playboy when
Space Princess Alexa did that spread.

The one on the lava rocks.
Yes, l've got that one too.

MARSHAL: l didn't know
he was the one performing tonight.

l'll let you guys stay open
on one condition:

l get to watch the show.

- We're out of seats.
- lt's okay. l'll sit in the aisle.

- Three minutes to curtain.
- Ah, here's the right one.

Well, we may as well
just take our lumps.

No, no, we're not
going to take any lumps.

Desperate times
call for desperate measures. l--

- What are you doing?
- Yes, yes.

All right, l--

Shield yourself, Niles,

for the rain, it raineth every day.

This place really is a deathtrap.

This is hopeless.

l managed to shake that woman.
l want to see Cats.

- Son.
- Father.

My good-luck charm.

Oh, my God! Oh!

Mr. Hedley, are you all right?

JACKSON:
l think l've broken something.

- Oh, my God.
NlLES: Call an ambulance.

- Make sure Mr. Hedley's comfortable.
- Yes.

Dear God, Niles, l feel horrible.

lt's as if we wished it
and it happened.

Half of me feels guilty.
The other half feels relieved.

Actually, it's more 30-70.

Well, l guess l'd better go out
and make an announcement.

lf l may have your attention,
ladies and gentlemen.

Tonight, my brother,
Niles Crane, and l

had hoped to bring a great talent
back to the stage.

A truly, truly gifted actor.

A man we greatly admire.

[AUDlENCE APPLAUDlNG]

Yes, yes.

Yes, yes,
he does deserve your applause,

but in a tragedy befitting
of the Bard himself, it seems that...

lt seems he's ready to begin.

Ladies and gentlemen,

l bring you now

to a hall in Elsinore castle.

[WAlLlNG]

l die, Horatio.