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1
00:00:01,700 --> 00:00:03,899
Can't film in here. Toilets.
2
00:00:09,320 --> 00:00:11,359
Oh! Jesus Christ!
3
00:00:11,360 --> 00:00:13,879
Oh! Oh, God!
4
00:00:13,880 --> 00:00:14,920
Are you scared of spiders?
5
00:00:14,932 --> 00:00:17,159
It's the worst spider what I've
ever seen, in there.
6
00:00:17,360 --> 00:00:20,079
Look, it's the giantest spider.
7
00:00:20,080 --> 00:00:22,759
Hannah? Look. Hannah!
8
00:00:22,760 --> 00:00:25,459
- There's a spider in there.
- Oh, can't be that bad.
9
00:00:25,484 --> 00:00:26,559
- Wait till you see it.
- Where is it?
10
00:00:26,560 --> 00:00:28,639
Wait till you see it.
I'm not kidding.
11
00:00:28,640 --> 00:00:31,599
Oh! Ooh!
12
00:00:31,600 --> 00:00:32,999
That is big.
13
00:00:33,000 --> 00:00:34,916
- Get rid of it.
- Don't kill it!
14
00:00:34,942 --> 00:00:35,999
What do you want
me to do with it?
15
00:00:36,000 --> 00:00:39,479
Deport it? Send it to prison
for having too many legs?
16
00:00:39,480 --> 00:00:41,679
Go and get... Go and get...
Go and get a cup.
17
00:00:41,680 --> 00:00:45,399
Catch it. Make sure you catch it
and put it... let it go free.
18
00:00:45,400 --> 00:00:49,239
He's terrified of 'em. Nearly gave him a
heart attack and he won't let me kill it.
19
00:00:49,240 --> 00:00:52,199
He's got me running around,
trying to rehome it for him.
20
00:00:52,200 --> 00:00:53,599
Don't lose it.
21
00:00:53,600 --> 00:00:56,719
I won't lose it.
Watch it, mate.
22
00:00:56,720 --> 00:00:59,839
I've got to get it under there,
without startling the fu...
23
00:00:59,840 --> 00:01:03,839
Oh!
Oh, fuckin' hell! Oh! Oh...
24
00:01:18,840 --> 00:01:22,839
It's been a funny old year,
you know. We're still here.
25
00:01:23,760 --> 00:01:26,999
Same old faces. Some new faces.
26
00:01:27,000 --> 00:01:28,959
Some people have gone.
27
00:01:28,960 --> 00:01:32,959
You know, just life rolling on.
28
00:01:33,720 --> 00:01:36,399
This is Geoff.
29
00:01:36,400 --> 00:01:38,959
He's been with us about a week now.
Yeah.
30
00:01:38,960 --> 00:01:41,599
He's been unemployed
for a little while, so...
31
00:01:41,600 --> 00:01:43,319
It's part of a restart thing.
32
00:01:43,320 --> 00:01:46,799
He is a wrong 'un, isn't he?
33
00:01:46,800 --> 00:01:48,879
Don't you think? Look at him.
34
00:01:48,880 --> 00:01:51,199
What do you mean?
Weird, don't you think?
35
00:01:51,200 --> 00:01:53,919
Well shifty. Right.
36
00:01:53,920 --> 00:01:56,799
Er... Vicky is with us
permanently now.
37
00:01:56,800 --> 00:01:59,239
She's our, er... in-house
beautician, unofficially.
38
00:01:59,240 --> 00:02:02,559
She does all their nails
and hair and stuff.
39
00:02:02,560 --> 00:02:03,919
Yeah.
40
00:02:03,920 --> 00:02:05,959
She's gonna open her own salon
one day, ain't you?
41
00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:08,879
Yeah, wouldn't mind.
42
00:02:10,760 --> 00:02:12,879
Yeah, no, it's wicked.
I love it. I love it here.
43
00:02:12,880 --> 00:02:14,799
It's like being at home,
really, innit?
44
00:02:14,800 --> 00:02:17,079
Except... well, here,
everyone's really nice.
45
00:02:17,080 --> 00:02:19,039
But... yeah, it's all right.
46
00:02:19,040 --> 00:02:22,799
The money's not great, but...
well, I'm a born hustler, ain't I?
47
00:02:22,800 --> 00:02:26,639
So, doing my bits and pieces
on the side to get by.
48
00:02:26,640 --> 00:02:28,279
What do you think of them? Ooh!
49
00:02:28,280 --> 00:02:29,879
All right, ain't they?
What's that?
50
00:02:29,880 --> 00:02:31,919
Oh, hold on.
51
00:02:31,920 --> 00:02:34,239
There you go.
52
00:02:34,240 --> 00:02:36,079
All yours.
Oh, how much is that, Vicky?
53
00:02:36,080 --> 00:02:37,239
Oh, no, don't be silly.
54
00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:39,159
No, I'll pay you.
It's a present, honestly.
55
00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:42,239
Oh, thank you very much. Enjoy.
56
00:02:42,240 --> 00:02:44,239
Geoff, it's my dad.
He's moving in today.
57
00:02:44,240 --> 00:02:46,319
'We've got a new resident
moving in today.
58
00:02:46,320 --> 00:02:50,319
'It's Derek's dad, Anthony.
59
00:02:50,640 --> 00:02:53,679
'Derek's over the moon.
He's so proud. '
60
00:02:53,680 --> 00:02:57,279
It's my dad.
He's moving in here today.
61
00:02:57,280 --> 00:03:01,279
All these lovely mares.
62
00:03:02,240 --> 00:03:03,959
This is your room.
63
00:03:03,960 --> 00:03:05,999
Oh... Oh, 'eavy.
64
00:03:10,280 --> 00:03:11,759
It's nice, innit?
65
00:03:11,760 --> 00:03:14,599
All right.
66
00:03:14,600 --> 00:03:18,039
Got everything. Cupboards. Bed.
67
00:03:18,040 --> 00:03:20,399
Loads of cupboards. Wardrobe.
68
00:03:20,400 --> 00:03:24,399
Chair.
69
00:03:27,920 --> 00:03:29,639
Ah!
70
00:03:29,640 --> 00:03:31,639
What's this? Photo album?
71
00:03:31,640 --> 00:03:34,799
Huh! Is this all your holidays?
Yeah.
72
00:03:34,800 --> 00:03:37,639
Huh! And where have you been?
Have you been everywhere?
73
00:03:37,640 --> 00:03:40,879
France, Germany, Spain, Morocco.
74
00:03:40,880 --> 00:03:42,719
You name it, I've been there.
75
00:03:42,720 --> 00:03:46,719
All the pictures of you
are with different ladies.
76
00:03:47,920 --> 00:03:51,199
Ah, sure, that's the point
in travelling, boy.
77
00:03:51,200 --> 00:03:52,799
Nookie.
78
00:03:52,800 --> 00:03:55,079
Newquay?
79
00:03:55,080 --> 00:03:58,439
I haven't been to Newquay.
80
00:03:58,440 --> 00:03:59,799
Who's that?
81
00:03:59,800 --> 00:04:03,799
That's my one picture of you.
82
00:04:04,280 --> 00:04:06,799
Still got the same hair. Heh-heh!
83
00:04:06,800 --> 00:04:08,639
Look, that's me.
84
00:04:08,640 --> 00:04:12,639
That's baby Derek.
85
00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:18,439
I wish I... I wish I could travel one
day. I'd like to go different places.
86
00:04:18,440 --> 00:04:20,679
Just to see what all
the different places are like.
87
00:04:20,680 --> 00:04:23,879
Cos all the places are different,
ain't they? Everywhere's different.
88
00:04:23,880 --> 00:04:27,239
What's the most different place
you've been? The Sahara Desert.
89
00:04:27,240 --> 00:04:29,879
Why?
90
00:04:29,880 --> 00:04:31,999
Cos it's fucking warm.
91
00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:35,479
What's France like?
It's full of French people.
92
00:04:35,480 --> 00:04:37,519
Yeah? They're not very friendly.
93
00:04:37,520 --> 00:04:40,799
The women are nice, though.
94
00:04:43,720 --> 00:04:47,719
Right, Joe's coming. Remember,
don't mention it. Don't mention...
95
00:04:58,680 --> 00:05:02,679
It grew back.
96
00:05:03,640 --> 00:05:06,719
Very lucky.
97
00:05:06,720 --> 00:05:10,159
What's the strangest thing what you've
ever seen, what you've ever learnt?
98
00:05:10,160 --> 00:05:12,959
I met a wise man in Kathmandu,
99
00:05:12,960 --> 00:05:16,519
who believed you should make
a list of all the things you wanted,
100
00:05:16,520 --> 00:05:18,719
and give it to your dad to keep,
101
00:05:18,720 --> 00:05:22,719
and maybe the circle of life
would get you one of them things.
102
00:05:23,280 --> 00:05:26,879
What? If you does that, will you get
one of your wishes, maybe?
103
00:05:26,880 --> 00:05:28,519
Yeah.
104
00:05:28,520 --> 00:05:32,519
Shall I make a list? Yeah.
105
00:05:36,560 --> 00:05:39,199
I want to get him a little present,
106
00:05:39,200 --> 00:05:42,279
but I don't know what he likes,
I'm ashamed to say.
107
00:05:42,280 --> 00:05:44,359
Hmm.
108
00:05:44,360 --> 00:05:48,359
This is a sneaky way of finding out.
109
00:05:53,400 --> 00:05:56,519
'It's my bestest day ever.
My dad's moving in.
110
00:05:56,520 --> 00:06:00,479
'Joining us, joining my family.
His... his family as well now. '
111
00:06:00,480 --> 00:06:04,039
When I'm like this as well, when
I'm happiest, I get sad sometimes
112
00:06:04,040 --> 00:06:07,119
cos I feel sorry for people
who ain't as happy as me.
113
00:06:07,120 --> 00:06:09,959
Lots of people ain't lucky like me.
I'm lucky.
114
00:06:09,960 --> 00:06:12,199
I'm really lucky. I've got... Yeah.
115
00:06:12,200 --> 00:06:15,279
So, that's why I'm nice, in case
they're not having a good day
116
00:06:15,280 --> 00:06:19,279
or they ain't got
as... much luck as me.
117
00:06:19,440 --> 00:06:23,439
So, er... yeah, cos life, right, it's
all about good and bad things, isn't it?
118
00:06:24,120 --> 00:06:26,159
Summat good happens
and summat bad happens,
119
00:06:26,160 --> 00:06:30,159
and in my life it's mostly good
things and a little bad things.
120
00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:34,279
Yeah, that... that makes it all right
121
00:06:34,280 --> 00:06:37,479
and that's why I always
tries my best as well.
122
00:06:37,480 --> 00:06:39,279
I learned it off animals.
123
00:06:39,280 --> 00:06:42,759
Animals always tries their best.
Always trying their best.
124
00:06:42,760 --> 00:06:46,199
You never see like a lazy ant.
It's always working.
125
00:06:46,200 --> 00:06:48,119
It goes, "I'll do that."
126
00:07:00,360 --> 00:07:03,839
Look, sandwiches, cakes, tea.
Everything.
127
00:07:03,840 --> 00:07:07,359
We always do something when there's
a new resident. Helps break the ice.
128
00:07:07,360 --> 00:07:09,839
Let them know it's a welcoming place.
129
00:07:09,840 --> 00:07:11,679
It can be very overwhelming.
130
00:07:11,680 --> 00:07:15,679
You know,
they're always a bit shy, scared.
131
00:07:20,520 --> 00:07:23,079
Oh. Want to take those?
132
00:07:23,080 --> 00:07:25,319
Yeah. What is...
Why is he grabbing her?
133
00:07:25,320 --> 00:07:27,239
I don't know.
134
00:07:29,680 --> 00:07:32,719
Everyone sits where they wants,
but people has favourite chairs.
135
00:07:32,720 --> 00:07:35,559
Pat likes that one. Arthur likes
that one. Joe likes that one.
136
00:07:35,560 --> 00:07:37,879
People moves around.
These are all ladies.
137
00:07:37,880 --> 00:07:40,959
Precious, Margaret and Sheila.
138
00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:42,999
Um... Annie.
139
00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:46,679
Oh, guess what, right? Um... Tom and
Hannah are trying to have a baby.
140
00:07:46,680 --> 00:07:49,679
Derek! What? Yeah, I've heard you
talking about it.
141
00:07:49,680 --> 00:07:51,119
I knows what's going on.
142
00:07:51,120 --> 00:07:53,359
Oh, they haven't told me.
143
00:07:53,360 --> 00:07:55,239
Didn't know it was something
I had to.
144
00:07:55,240 --> 00:07:57,399
Are you checking
when she's ovulating?
145
00:07:57,400 --> 00:07:59,599
Yeah, but, they've got...
got a thermometer,
146
00:07:59,600 --> 00:08:02,319
and... and they test
when she's the right temperature,
147
00:08:02,320 --> 00:08:05,799
and if she's the right temperature,
they sneaks off and has sex quickly,
148
00:08:05,800 --> 00:08:07,879
and then comes back in
like nothing's happened.
149
00:08:07,880 --> 00:08:09,959
But I knows what...
what they've been doing.
150
00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:13,959
Now, when me and your grandad
were trying for your mum... Mm-hm?
151
00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:17,039
.. we used to come straight home
from work, straight upstairs,
152
00:08:17,040 --> 00:08:19,119
no foreplay or anything like that,
153
00:08:19,120 --> 00:08:21,559
wham, bam, thank you, ma'am,
do his bit,
154
00:08:21,560 --> 00:08:25,559
and then afterwards he'd help me
stand on my head by holding my legs.
155
00:08:26,000 --> 00:08:29,199
Why? Well, it helps the sperm
up the cervix.
156
00:08:29,200 --> 00:08:31,239
What's a cervix?
157
00:08:31,240 --> 00:08:33,959
It's the opening between
the vagina and the uterus.
158
00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:36,279
And a sperm's got to get through
that to the...
159
00:08:36,280 --> 00:08:38,119
So, it goes vagina...
160
00:08:38,120 --> 00:08:39,799
.. cervix, uterus.
161
00:08:39,800 --> 00:08:43,159
So, he puts his sperm
into the vagina,
162
00:08:43,160 --> 00:08:46,319
and then he has to help it
up the cervix into the uterus,
163
00:08:46,320 --> 00:08:48,399
and that's where the baby's made,
innit? Mm-hm.
164
00:08:48,400 --> 00:08:52,239
Yeah, and it helps if he turns her
on her head, holding her legs up?
165
00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:55,039
Well, you're in with more of a
chance. Why, cos it dribbles upwards?
166
00:08:55,040 --> 00:08:57,599
Yeah, gravity. Yeah.
167
00:08:57,600 --> 00:09:00,559
Um... vagina. Uterus.
168
00:09:00,560 --> 00:09:02,039
Cervix.
169
00:09:02,040 --> 00:09:04,199
These are a few of
my favourite things.
170
00:09:04,200 --> 00:09:07,119
What else? Clitoris, cum and flaps.
171
00:09:30,120 --> 00:09:32,799
He just always
keeps talking to all the ladies.
172
00:09:32,800 --> 00:09:35,159
Well, he's just being friendly,
in't he? Yeah.
173
00:09:35,160 --> 00:09:36,959
You're always on that phone. Yeah.
174
00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:39,759
I've got to keep up with my people,
haven't I? Let 'em know I'm busy.
175
00:09:39,760 --> 00:09:42,279
Yeah, but you're not busy, are you?
You're on Twitter.
176
00:09:42,280 --> 00:09:45,119
Oh! I can work and tweet, you know.
She's going to put me on Twitter.
177
00:09:45,120 --> 00:09:47,479
I ain't got a phone
but she's gonna put me on her phone.
178
00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:54,959
- you can put it out there.
- Yeah, um...
179
00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:56,919
Derek says...
180
00:09:56,920 --> 00:09:59,439
Do you know what? That can be
your hashtag. What's that?
181
00:09:59,440 --> 00:10:02,119
It looks like that, and
if you put that before "Derek says",
182
00:10:02,120 --> 00:10:03,919
everyone can see it and follow it.
183
00:10:03,920 --> 00:10:06,599
Yeah, hashtag, "Derek says".
184
00:10:06,600 --> 00:10:09,159
Yeah, got that.
185
00:10:09,160 --> 00:10:13,159
Yeah. So, what do you want to say?
186
00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:15,039
Be nice to animals.
187
00:10:15,040 --> 00:10:17,399
Is that it, yeah? Yeah.
188
00:10:17,400 --> 00:10:25,299
Send. That's out there.
189
00:10:47,900 --> 00:10:49,459
Dad?
190
00:10:49,460 --> 00:10:53,459
I've made a list.
Top ten things what I wants.
191
00:10:55,100 --> 00:10:57,579
Is that all right?
That's perfect.
192
00:10:57,580 --> 00:11:01,579
I'll keep this in a sealed envelope close
to my heart, and we'll see if it works.
193
00:11:03,220 --> 00:11:05,579
I don't mind if it don't.
194
00:11:05,580 --> 00:11:09,579
Er... Joan used to say
all you needs is someone to love,
195
00:11:10,340 --> 00:11:12,619
something to do and
something to wish for.
196
00:11:12,620 --> 00:11:15,259
I've got loads of people I loves.
I've got loads to do.
197
00:11:15,260 --> 00:11:16,419
I'm always busy, ain't I?
198
00:11:16,420 --> 00:11:19,179
And I've got loads to wish for.
That's the things I wish for most.
199
00:11:19,180 --> 00:11:22,539
You think a lot about people
you've lost, don't you, Derek?
200
00:11:22,540 --> 00:11:24,539
Yeah.
201
00:11:24,540 --> 00:11:27,299
I thinks about them.
I thinks of things they've said.
202
00:11:27,300 --> 00:11:30,339
So, it don't matter if they said it
yesterday or a year ago.
203
00:11:30,340 --> 00:11:34,339
It's still in there and there.
204
00:11:38,380 --> 00:11:41,499
He drinks a bit.
205
00:11:41,500 --> 00:11:42,939
I don't care.
206
00:11:42,940 --> 00:11:46,459
I think he's nice like Kev,
as well, but...
207
00:11:46,460 --> 00:11:50,099
.. but Kev hasn't got any kids
to worry about yet.
208
00:11:50,100 --> 00:11:53,459
And I worries about him.
209
00:11:53,460 --> 00:11:57,459
It's bad for you, drink...
too much drinking.
210
00:11:59,460 --> 00:12:02,179
Bad for your liver, innit?
211
00:12:02,180 --> 00:12:05,859
And you might fall over or summat.
212
00:12:05,860 --> 00:12:07,219
As long as you're nice.
213
00:12:07,220 --> 00:12:11,219
He can't help it.
I don't think he can help it.
214
00:12:11,980 --> 00:12:14,859
And I don't want to say anything.
I don't want to upset anyone.
215
00:12:18,540 --> 00:12:22,099
I'm glad he's moving in here.
Good to have him around.
216
00:12:22,100 --> 00:12:25,019
I didn't have a dad for ages
so I'm glad I've got one.
217
00:12:26,700 --> 00:12:30,699
One. I wishes I could talk chimp
and be friends with it.
218
00:12:32,380 --> 00:12:33,419
Two.
219
00:12:33,420 --> 00:12:36,659
I wishes Kev was healthy,
cos he's lovely and funny,
220
00:12:36,660 --> 00:12:39,539
and I'm scared of him getting ill
from drinking or AIDS.
221
00:12:39,540 --> 00:12:41,379
Three.
222
00:12:41,380 --> 00:12:43,219
A pill what makes you clever.
223
00:12:43,220 --> 00:12:46,899
Four. A pill what makes you
like horrible people more.
224
00:12:46,900 --> 00:12:50,339
Five. A pill what makes
horrible people nicer.
225
00:12:50,340 --> 00:12:52,099
Six, a pill... It's another pill.
226
00:12:52,100 --> 00:12:55,059
...what makes old people
not scared of dying.
227
00:12:55,060 --> 00:12:59,059
Seven. A pill what makes spiders
keep away but not hurt them.
228
00:13:00,140 --> 00:13:03,019
Eight. I would like to meet
Leona Lewis.
229
00:13:03,020 --> 00:13:05,179
Nine. I wish everyone
had a mum and a dad,
230
00:13:05,180 --> 00:13:07,059
and they all died at the same time.
231
00:13:07,060 --> 00:13:09,259
Ten. I wish Hannah had more money,
232
00:13:09,260 --> 00:13:13,259
cos she is the hardest-working
person I knows.
233
00:13:13,420 --> 00:13:15,259
She's the nicest too.
234
00:13:15,260 --> 00:13:19,259
I knows when she's sad, even though
she tries to pretend she isn't.
235
00:13:19,740 --> 00:13:23,739
If everyone was like Hannah,
there would never be anything wrong.
236
00:13:24,020 --> 00:13:28,019
If Hannah was happy, I wouldn't care
about anything else.
237
00:13:30,780 --> 00:13:34,779
Thanks ever so much.
238
00:13:35,100 --> 00:13:37,299
Derek's dad's a one, in't he? What?
239
00:13:37,300 --> 00:13:39,699
Yeah. Have you seen him?
Still trying to sow his old oats.
240
00:13:39,700 --> 00:13:42,179
He's got the women running scared.
241
00:13:42,180 --> 00:13:46,179
I wouldn't kick him out of bed.
242
00:13:48,420 --> 00:13:51,179
You all right? Yeah.
243
00:13:51,180 --> 00:13:54,019
Bloody hell, Derek, mate.
Go and walk along like a donkey.
244
00:13:54,020 --> 00:13:56,139
Like a donkey? Go on, go on.
245
00:13:57,500 --> 00:14:01,019
Oh! Oh, mate! Get off.
Oh, sorry. Oh, sorry.
246
00:14:01,020 --> 00:14:03,099
Wasting it.
247
00:14:09,500 --> 00:14:12,259
Bit shocking, that, wasn't it?
I've never seen that before,
248
00:14:12,260 --> 00:14:16,259
anyone sucking Special Brew
out of a carpet. Not even Kev.
249
00:14:16,660 --> 00:14:18,539
Surprised me.
250
00:14:18,540 --> 00:14:21,339
He acted quickly, didn't he?
He acted on instinct.
251
00:14:21,340 --> 00:14:25,339
He sort of saw it seeping away
so he had to do extra-fast slurping.
252
00:14:25,700 --> 00:14:28,739
It was the noise that was worrying.
253
00:14:30,420 --> 00:14:32,339
What's in the carpets?
254
00:14:32,340 --> 00:14:34,739
You get germs, don't you?
255
00:14:34,740 --> 00:14:37,259
Well, does Special Brew kill a germ?
256
00:14:37,260 --> 00:14:40,699
Or just make it drunk
so it wasn't so evil?
257
00:14:40,700 --> 00:14:42,859
Could you get AIDS drunk?
258
00:14:42,860 --> 00:14:46,859
Could alcohol kill other things? If it
kills your liver, could it kill rabies?
259
00:14:52,420 --> 00:14:56,419
It's interesting, I know,
isn't it, science?
260
00:14:56,940 --> 00:14:58,499
What you doing? I'm drawing.
261
00:14:58,500 --> 00:15:01,539
What is it?
Do you know what a chimera is?
262
00:15:01,540 --> 00:15:03,139
No.
263
00:15:03,140 --> 00:15:05,339
Um... do you know what a humanzee is?
264
00:15:05,340 --> 00:15:07,299
No.
265
00:15:07,300 --> 00:15:10,179
It's basically a cross
between a human and a chimpanzee.
266
00:15:10,180 --> 00:15:11,499
How? What do you mean, how?
267
00:15:11,500 --> 00:15:12,979
How... how would that happen?
268
00:15:12,980 --> 00:15:14,699
What, how does it come about? Yeah.
269
00:15:14,700 --> 00:15:16,819
Um... how do you think it comes about?
270
00:15:16,820 --> 00:15:20,179
It's when a clown has sex
with a monkey, isn't it?
271
00:15:20,180 --> 00:15:22,979
Obviously. Why? Why would a clown
have sex with a monkey?
272
00:15:22,980 --> 00:15:25,099
Yeah. Well,
it doesn't have to be a clown.
273
00:15:25,100 --> 00:15:27,579
It can be any human,
but a clown's more likely, innit?
274
00:15:27,580 --> 00:15:31,099
Because he's hanging around the circus all
day. What do you think he's going to do?
275
00:15:31,100 --> 00:15:32,459
And what's the baby look like?
276
00:15:32,460 --> 00:15:36,459
Well, it looks like... looks like any
human baby, but it's covered in hair.
277
00:15:37,620 --> 00:15:40,659
Right? Right. And then it loses
the hair when it's about three.
278
00:15:40,660 --> 00:15:42,619
Right. Then it enters normal
society, right?
279
00:15:42,620 --> 00:15:45,499
Then it's at school and everything.
Everything's normal. Suddenly
280
00:15:45,500 --> 00:15:48,019
it's hanging upside down in trees,
ripping kids' arms off.
281
00:15:48,020 --> 00:15:50,939
Snaps. What happens to it? They
have to get rid of it, don't they?
282
00:15:50,940 --> 00:15:53,339
How? Shove it in camps.
283
00:15:53,340 --> 00:15:55,779
Got camps all over. Got one
in Brighton and one in Norwich.
284
00:15:55,780 --> 00:15:57,539
Why have we never heard of this,
though?
285
00:15:57,540 --> 00:16:00,419
Cos they don't want you to know,
do they? Who? Government.
286
00:16:00,420 --> 00:16:02,574
If you... if everyone
knew about humanzees,
287
00:16:02,600 --> 00:16:04,239
there'd be panic,
wouldn't there?
288
00:16:04,240 --> 00:16:05,624
There'd be riots in
the streets, mate.
289
00:16:05,650 --> 00:16:05,979
Yeah.
290
00:16:05,980 --> 00:16:08,299
How do you know about it?
Cos I know about stuff, don't I?
291
00:16:08,300 --> 00:16:10,339
Got a mate who worked in a camps.
Cleaned them out
292
00:16:10,340 --> 00:16:12,939
after they got rid of the bodies.
He saw some horrible stuff.
293
00:16:12,940 --> 00:16:15,179
Like what? Seen a goat with arms.
294
00:16:15,180 --> 00:16:16,899
Why has a goat got arms?
295
00:16:16,900 --> 00:16:20,659
So it can milk itself.
296
00:16:20,660 --> 00:16:23,819
Geoff's a knob-head, isn't he?
297
00:16:23,820 --> 00:16:27,699
It's just... just his type.
298
00:16:27,700 --> 00:16:30,619
And he's loving it, isn't he?
Cos you lot are here filming.
299
00:16:30,620 --> 00:16:32,899
Suddenly thinks
he's going to be a star overnight
300
00:16:32,900 --> 00:16:36,739
just cos he's got his head
on the telly.
301
00:16:36,740 --> 00:16:38,459
What you doing it like that for,
mate?
302
00:16:38,460 --> 00:16:40,059
This is the way I've always done it.
303
00:16:40,060 --> 00:16:42,579
What? This is the way I... you know,
I do it.
304
00:16:42,580 --> 00:16:45,339
It's the way you do it, is it? Yeah,
this is the way you should do it.
305
00:16:45,340 --> 00:16:47,979
Yeah, well, the way you do
it's wrong. Schoolboy error.
306
00:16:47,980 --> 00:16:50,659
How have you worked that out,
then? Innit? Hm? Eh?
307
00:16:50,660 --> 00:16:51,979
What do you mean, it's wrong?
308
00:16:51,980 --> 00:16:54,659
I'm worried these old people
are going to go up in smoke, mate.
309
00:16:54,660 --> 00:16:57,579
Well, they're all going to end up
that way anyway, aren't they?
310
00:16:57,580 --> 00:16:59,099
At the crematorium.
311
00:16:59,100 --> 00:17:02,419
So, don't worry about it, Geoff.
All right, very funny, Dougie, yeah.
312
00:17:02,420 --> 00:17:03,659
Apart from your hair, mate,
313
00:17:03,660 --> 00:17:06,259
I think you're the luckiest man
I've ever met. Do you? Yeah.
314
00:17:06,260 --> 00:17:09,339
I'd have had this sorted five minutes
ago, but instead you're annoying me.
315
00:17:09,340 --> 00:17:11,379
I can't concentrate
whilst you're wittering on.
316
00:17:11,380 --> 00:17:13,139
You can't concentrate
when I'm talking?
317
00:17:13,140 --> 00:17:15,739
No. Ooh. Got to be able to work
under pressure, mate.
318
00:17:15,740 --> 00:17:16,899
It can't be hard to...
319
00:17:16,900 --> 00:17:18,139
I've worked under pressure.
320
00:17:18,140 --> 00:17:20,459
When I was in the Army,
you've got to be doing this, that,
321
00:17:20,460 --> 00:17:23,019
you've got to be running.
You've got to be carrying your gun.
322
00:17:23,020 --> 00:17:25,659
You've got to be aware where
the enemy are. You've got to be...
323
00:17:25,660 --> 00:17:27,819
Are you getting that? Bullshit.
324
00:17:28,860 --> 00:17:31,659
Oh!
325
00:17:31,660 --> 00:17:33,219
What did I say? I hate being right.
326
00:17:33,220 --> 00:17:36,779
Oh, Dougie! Don't touch him!
He's riddled with electricity.
327
00:17:36,780 --> 00:17:40,779
Shall I give him the kiss of life?
Definitely not. Jesus.
328
00:17:41,780 --> 00:17:43,939
Oh! We doing Duran Duran again?
329
00:17:43,940 --> 00:17:47,939
No, we're not doing fucking
Duran Duran again, Derek.
330
00:17:47,980 --> 00:17:50,179
That's it. No more.
331
00:17:50,180 --> 00:17:52,619
There's no point. The place
can't run like this, can it?
332
00:17:52,620 --> 00:17:56,259
There's not enough money. There's not
enough staff. There's too many residents.
333
00:17:56,260 --> 00:17:58,659
I'm taking on too much. I've got
loads going on in my head.
334
00:17:58,660 --> 00:18:01,459
I can't remember what I'm doing.
That's why I ballsed up the plug.
335
00:18:01,460 --> 00:18:03,499
That's why I got that major shock,
336
00:18:03,500 --> 00:18:05,099
just because
I've got too much to do.
337
00:18:05,100 --> 00:18:07,599
I ended up rolling about on the floor
with my hair all over the place
338
00:18:07,624 --> 00:18:09,324
looking like fucking Ken Dodd.
339
00:18:11,260 --> 00:18:13,499
'I've just got to get out.
340
00:18:13,500 --> 00:18:17,499
'That's... that's the top and
bottom of it. '
341
00:18:21,340 --> 00:18:23,539
'Then there's little things
I'll miss, you know,
342
00:18:23,540 --> 00:18:25,459
'the residents,
not seeing them every day.
343
00:18:25,460 --> 00:18:26,699
'Hannah.
344
00:18:26,700 --> 00:18:29,939
'Derek.
345
00:18:29,940 --> 00:18:32,379
'A little bit of me
that'll miss Kev. '
346
00:18:32,380 --> 00:18:34,979
It's just Geoff the knob-head
that I... you know,
347
00:18:34,980 --> 00:18:37,779
I never need to see him again.
348
00:18:37,780 --> 00:18:41,779
Oh.
349
00:18:41,780 --> 00:18:44,859
Well, it's my best day ever
and it's my worst day ever.
350
00:18:44,860 --> 00:18:46,779
Oh, it's not that bad.
351
00:18:46,780 --> 00:18:49,779
He's only leaving.
He's... he's not dead.
352
00:18:49,780 --> 00:18:52,179
And you can still be friends.
353
00:18:52,180 --> 00:18:55,579
Yeah, I know, but I likes
to see my friends every day.
354
00:18:55,580 --> 00:18:59,579
That's why I works here.
It's my favouritest thing.
355
00:19:16,780 --> 00:19:17,819
Go on.
356
00:19:17,820 --> 00:19:21,379
It's your go. Oh.
357
00:19:21,380 --> 00:19:24,059
How do you tell which end
of a worm is its mouth
358
00:19:24,060 --> 00:19:26,099
and which end of a worm
is its arsehole?
359
00:19:26,100 --> 00:19:27,819
Don't know.
360
00:19:27,820 --> 00:19:31,819
You put it in a bowl of flour
and you wait till it farts.
361
00:19:32,100 --> 00:19:33,219
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
362
00:19:33,220 --> 00:19:34,339
What if it coughs?
363
00:19:34,340 --> 00:19:36,179
Bugger me.
Do you ever get jokes, boy?
364
00:19:36,180 --> 00:19:37,699
Yeah.
365
00:19:37,700 --> 00:19:40,019
Here's a better one. Go on.
366
00:19:40,020 --> 00:19:43,539
What do you do
when you want to shag a fat bird?
367
00:19:43,540 --> 00:19:46,819
Roll her in flour
and aim for the wet spot.
368
00:19:46,820 --> 00:19:50,819
And by "wet spot",
I mean vaginal not anal.
369
00:19:51,020 --> 00:19:55,019
The anus should rarely be wet, Pam.
370
00:19:56,220 --> 00:19:57,899
Biscuit?
371
00:19:57,900 --> 00:20:00,299
No, thank you. No, thanks. No.
372
00:20:00,300 --> 00:20:01,699
Oh! Hannah?
373
00:20:01,700 --> 00:20:02,859
Yeah?
374
00:20:02,860 --> 00:20:06,459
Can... can we play the Lizzie
DVD again?
375
00:20:06,460 --> 00:20:07,619
Again?
376
00:20:07,620 --> 00:20:10,539
Yeah. I loves it.
377
00:20:10,540 --> 00:20:14,539
The production team put together
a film of all Lizzie's best moments.
378
00:20:15,580 --> 00:20:19,579
So... Derek loves watching it.
379
00:21:22,820 --> 00:21:24,699
Hey!
380
00:21:26,980 --> 00:21:28,939
Thank you.
381
00:21:37,180 --> 00:21:39,179
Thank you.
382
00:21:39,180 --> 00:21:41,259
Oh.
383
00:21:41,260 --> 00:21:42,939
Good night, everyone.
384
00:21:42,940 --> 00:21:46,939
Night. Night-night.
385
00:21:46,980 --> 00:21:48,779
Where's everybody gone?
386
00:21:48,780 --> 00:21:51,899
What? Off to bed.
It's after ten o'clock.
387
00:21:51,900 --> 00:21:54,819
Ten o' fucking clock?
388
00:21:54,820 --> 00:21:58,819
Anyone for a nightcap?
Yeah, I'll have one, mate.
389
00:22:00,660 --> 00:22:03,499
Oh, I've got a present for you,
Derek.
390
00:22:03,500 --> 00:22:06,579
What? It's the photo album.
391
00:22:06,580 --> 00:22:09,539
With my one picture of you in it.
392
00:22:09,540 --> 00:22:12,379
Heh. And I hope to add to it.
393
00:22:12,380 --> 00:22:14,739
I was hoping for a bike.
394
00:22:14,740 --> 00:22:16,099
I'm only joking. Thank you.
395
00:22:16,100 --> 00:22:19,179
There's no real pictures any more,
though. It's all digitals.
396
00:22:19,180 --> 00:22:21,019
How can we get real pictures for it?
397
00:22:21,020 --> 00:22:22,699
I can print them out, mate.
398
00:22:22,700 --> 00:22:26,179
How? I'll save them
all on the desktop.
399
00:22:26,180 --> 00:22:28,979
Print them out
the exact size of that little book.
400
00:22:28,980 --> 00:22:30,299
Excellent.
401
00:22:30,300 --> 00:22:32,979
When half your adult life has been
dedicated to internet porn,
402
00:22:32,980 --> 00:22:35,099
you pick up a few things,
403
00:22:35,100 --> 00:22:39,099
and for once
I do not mean genital warts.
404
00:22:39,820 --> 00:22:43,819
Yep.
405
00:22:43,869 --> 00:22:48,419
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