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1
00:00:00,440 --> 00:00:03,560
This programme contains
very strong language.
2
00:00:03,560 --> 00:00:04,200
I've had a brilliant idea, ain't I?
3
00:00:04,200 --> 00:00:05,240
(HANNAH) He has, yeah.
4
00:00:05,240 --> 00:00:09,080
Going to sell autographs and put
the money towards funding the home.
5
00:00:13,200 --> 00:00:15,880
(DOUG) 'Yeah, I don't get it,
collecting autographs,
6
00:00:15,880 --> 00:00:17,480
'but they seem to enjoy it.
7
00:00:17,480 --> 00:00:21,560
'And if some good can come
out of it, then yeah, why not?'
8
00:00:23,160 --> 00:00:24,920
Andrew Lloyd Webber.
9
00:00:26,600 --> 00:00:31,560
We're from Broad Hill nursing home
and we're going to sell...
10
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We're autograph hunters.
11
00:00:33,400 --> 00:00:34,400
You want to sell your autographs?
12
00:00:34,400 --> 00:00:36,120
We want to sell autographs, yeah.
13
00:00:36,120 --> 00:00:38,720
So I just need some
money for the old people.
14
00:00:38,720 --> 00:00:39,720
Sit tight, mate.
15
00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:44,640
OK, show me what
you've managed to get there.
16
00:00:44,640 --> 00:00:46,840
I forget who that is.
I can't remember.
17
00:00:46,840 --> 00:00:49,000
You've got to know who it is,
that's the thing.
18
00:00:49,000 --> 00:00:50,280
Kerry Katona!
19
00:00:50,280 --> 00:00:53,560
Why is it..?
What's that yellow stuff?
20
00:00:53,560 --> 00:00:54,640
It's carrot, mate.
21
00:00:54,640 --> 00:00:55,760
She was being sick.
22
00:00:55,760 --> 00:00:57,400
Oh. That affects the value.
23
00:00:57,400 --> 00:00:58,840
Is it less valuable with sick?
24
00:00:58,840 --> 00:01:00,000
Yeah! Remember that?
25
00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:01,280
Porkpie, innit?
26
00:01:01,280 --> 00:01:03,560
Porkpie off Desmond's.
27
00:01:03,560 --> 00:01:06,120
But that's not the actor.
That's not his name.
28
00:01:06,120 --> 00:01:08,200
I didn't know his name,
so I said "Do Porkpie,
29
00:01:08,200 --> 00:01:10,280
"so I know who it is."
How much for Porkpie?
30
00:01:10,280 --> 00:01:12,560
Er, well, less than
an actual pork pie.
31
00:01:14,680 --> 00:01:18,640
What would be good for you is to
try and target, like, film people,
32
00:01:18,640 --> 00:01:19,920
musicians,
33
00:01:19,920 --> 00:01:23,560
and maybe if you get them to sign
a photo or some of the memorabilia
34
00:01:23,560 --> 00:01:24,920
from their film or something.
35
00:01:24,920 --> 00:01:27,000
You can't give me any money
for these then?
36
00:01:27,000 --> 00:01:28,040
I don't think so, no.
37
00:01:28,040 --> 00:01:29,000
Out the way, mate.
38
00:01:29,000 --> 00:01:30,200
Sorry, but good luck.
39
00:01:30,200 --> 00:01:33,600
New kid in town. All right?
Welcome to the big league. Bang.
40
00:01:35,280 --> 00:01:36,640
Bang.
41
00:01:36,640 --> 00:01:37,840
OK.
42
00:01:37,840 --> 00:01:40,600
That's me with Baby Spice.
That's me with Dermot O'Leary.
43
00:01:40,600 --> 00:01:42,240
that's me with Lesley Joseph.
44
00:01:42,240 --> 00:01:42,760
Yeah...
45
00:01:42,760 --> 00:01:44,200
That's me with Clare Balding.
46
00:01:44,200 --> 00:01:45,920
You don't have to say, "That's me."
47
00:01:45,920 --> 00:01:47,720
I'm getting the idea that
that's you.
48
00:01:47,720 --> 00:01:49,040
Have you got any you're not in?
49
00:01:49,040 --> 00:01:50,280
No, not in this.
50
00:01:50,280 --> 00:01:51,680
No?
51
00:01:51,680 --> 00:01:53,400
It is less valuable with you...
52
00:01:53,400 --> 00:01:54,040
It's what?
53
00:01:54,040 --> 00:01:57,560
It's less valuable to have yourself
in the middle of the...
54
00:01:57,560 --> 00:01:58,840
If you look round here
55
00:01:58,840 --> 00:02:02,040
you'll see that most of
these pictures don't have you in.
56
00:02:02,040 --> 00:02:03,280
He has got a point, Kev.
57
00:02:03,280 --> 00:02:03,920
None of them.
58
00:02:03,920 --> 00:02:04,840
None of them, yeah.
59
00:02:04,840 --> 00:02:06,120
All right. Katie Holmes.
60
00:02:06,120 --> 00:02:07,200
Back of a pub menu.
61
00:02:07,200 --> 00:02:09,640
Katie Holmes? Yeah.
62
00:02:09,640 --> 00:02:11,480
In a Harvester?
63
00:02:11,480 --> 00:02:13,640
Katie Holmes in a Harvester?
Was she?
64
00:02:13,640 --> 00:02:15,320
Yeah.
65
00:02:15,320 --> 00:02:16,600
What did she order?
66
00:02:17,840 --> 00:02:19,200
Butternut squash.
67
00:02:21,120 --> 00:02:24,600
It's not on here. Yeah, I don't
know. I don't think it's her.
68
00:02:24,600 --> 00:02:26,280
Well, the name's there,
Katie Holmes.
69
00:02:26,280 --> 00:02:30,200
Someone's name's there, yeah.
She would have put "Katie", rather than just "Kate".
70
00:02:30,200 --> 00:02:32,920
Right, then. Uncle Ben.
71
00:02:32,920 --> 00:02:35,000
What do you...?
He's not real, is he?
72
00:02:35,000 --> 00:02:36,560
You mean the guy
that makes the rice?
73
00:02:36,560 --> 00:02:38,560
He is real, mate!
That's his signature, mate.
74
00:02:38,560 --> 00:02:41,400
I can see you've got a signature.
Did you meet him?
75
00:02:41,400 --> 00:02:43,480
Did you meet him
at a premiere or something?
76
00:02:43,480 --> 00:02:44,480
No.
77
00:02:44,480 --> 00:02:46,280
So how...? How did you get this?
78
00:02:46,280 --> 00:02:48,000
I wrote to the rice company.
79
00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:50,760
That's just someone... Like a PR
from the rice company, isn't it?
80
00:02:50,760 --> 00:02:52,200
Is it? Yeah.
81
00:02:52,200 --> 00:02:53,920
He's not real.
82
00:02:53,920 --> 00:02:56,280
He wouldn't sign this "Uncle Ben".
83
00:02:56,280 --> 00:02:59,440
Well, then, you won't
be interested in Mr Sheen.
84
00:03:00,560 --> 00:03:02,880
Right, come on. Call it a day.
85
00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:06,480
Thank you.
86
00:03:06,480 --> 00:03:09,760
'Well, honestly, what a waste of time
that was, wasn't it?
87
00:03:09,760 --> 00:03:11,120
'I mean, embarrassing.
88
00:03:11,120 --> 00:03:15,000
'Just more bullshit from Kev, and
Derek looks up to him. It annoys me.
89
00:03:15,000 --> 00:03:17,480
'I know their heart's
in the right place, but honestly.
90
00:03:17,480 --> 00:03:20,840
'It's like knocking about
with Dumb and Dumber sometimes.'
91
00:03:22,600 --> 00:03:24,560
Agh! Derek, for God's sake, mate!
92
00:03:24,560 --> 00:03:25,000
What?
93
00:03:25,000 --> 00:03:25,560
Derek!
94
00:03:25,560 --> 00:03:26,680
What?
95
00:03:26,680 --> 00:03:28,320
You're breaking my arm, mate.
96
00:03:28,320 --> 00:03:30,760
I cannot breathe. I can't breathe.
97
00:03:30,760 --> 00:03:32,280
I'm good at wrestling, ain't I?
98
00:03:32,280 --> 00:03:34,400
One of the best.
99
00:03:34,400 --> 00:03:36,120
He's over-excited today.
100
00:03:36,120 --> 00:03:37,480
Going on a day trip.
101
00:03:37,480 --> 00:03:38,840
Yeah, Dumpton Gap!
102
00:03:38,840 --> 00:03:41,000
I've got my bloody head
in your Dumpton Gap!
103
00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:44,200
He's strong, you see?
He's stronger than he looks.
104
00:03:44,200 --> 00:03:48,040
He's strong sort of...
I don't know, like an octopus.
105
00:03:48,040 --> 00:03:50,040
A strong, huggy mollusc.
106
00:03:50,040 --> 00:03:52,120
Are you actually trying
to get out of it, Kev?
107
00:03:52,120 --> 00:03:56,320
No point. He can't move, cos I've
got him locked between my thighs.
108
00:03:56,320 --> 00:04:00,160
He can't... He can't stop me.
He can't defeat me.
109
00:04:02,600 --> 00:04:04,400
So I got him a game of Twister.
110
00:04:04,400 --> 00:04:06,880
Just to make it seem
a little bit more normal.
111
00:04:06,880 --> 00:04:10,680
Just in case the council
popped in unannounced.
112
00:04:10,680 --> 00:04:13,240
He doesn't play it.
He doesn't get the mat out.
113
00:04:14,240 --> 00:04:15,320
He just jumps on me.
114
00:04:16,480 --> 00:04:19,320
Right, Derek, that's...
That's...tight, that.
115
00:04:20,480 --> 00:04:22,400
He can't breathe.
Look, he's going red.
116
00:04:22,400 --> 00:04:24,040
You have to let him do it.
117
00:04:24,040 --> 00:04:27,720
Look. Look at the red. And it goes
white for a little while.
118
00:04:28,760 --> 00:04:32,240
I can't move. You can't
keep doing this, Derek.
119
00:04:32,240 --> 00:04:33,560
What? This.
120
00:04:33,560 --> 00:04:35,920
This was never part of
the job description for me.
121
00:04:35,920 --> 00:04:38,760
No-one ever warned me of this.
122
00:04:38,760 --> 00:04:40,160
'I loves wrestling.'
123
00:04:40,160 --> 00:04:44,000
I'm strong and grabby.
I don't like real fighting.
124
00:04:44,000 --> 00:04:45,640
In real fighting,
125
00:04:45,640 --> 00:04:48,880
you fights people what you
don't like, so you can hurt 'em.
126
00:04:48,880 --> 00:04:52,360
But in wrestling,
I wrestles people what I do like.
127
00:04:53,760 --> 00:04:56,200
It's like strong cuddling, really.
128
00:04:56,200 --> 00:04:59,040
Strong cuddling?
Is that what he calls it?
129
00:04:59,040 --> 00:05:03,200
(SCOFFS) honestly, there's times when
I wish he didn't like me as much.
130
00:05:03,200 --> 00:05:06,120
His affection's going to
kill me one day.
131
00:05:06,120 --> 00:05:08,920
What a way to go that is!
Having Derek on top of me.
132
00:05:08,920 --> 00:05:11,120
You see, the thing is,
he weighs more than he looks.
133
00:05:11,120 --> 00:05:14,120
He weighs like a little... Well,
not little, he's like a gorilla.
134
00:05:14,120 --> 00:05:15,760
Having a gorilla on top of you.
135
00:05:15,760 --> 00:05:17,560
(MUFFLED) Derek?
136
00:05:17,560 --> 00:05:20,480
'Thing is, I try and get out of it
and I can't cos he's strong,
137
00:05:20,480 --> 00:05:22,760
so I end up thinking,
"I know, I'll play dead."
138
00:05:22,760 --> 00:05:24,160
It doesn't work, he nods off.
139
00:05:26,400 --> 00:05:28,800
Is he asleep?
140
00:05:28,800 --> 00:05:31,520
Derek? What? You nodded off.
141
00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:35,074
Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org
142
00:05:37,680 --> 00:05:40,400
Have a brilliant time.
Look after yourself.
143
00:05:40,400 --> 00:05:42,440
See you later. See you later.
144
00:05:42,440 --> 00:05:45,040
Take lots of photos for me,
won't you?
145
00:05:45,040 --> 00:05:45,800
Yeah, I will.
146
00:05:45,800 --> 00:05:47,560
See you later, bye. Have fun.
147
00:05:47,560 --> 00:05:49,960
You take care. See you. Bye.
148
00:05:49,960 --> 00:05:52,040
Bye. Have a nice day.
149
00:05:52,040 --> 00:05:53,680
Bye-bye. Bye-bye, Barry.
150
00:05:53,680 --> 00:05:55,240
Thanks.
151
00:05:56,440 --> 00:05:57,720
See you. Bye-bye.
152
00:05:59,320 --> 00:06:00,960
Take care, precious.
153
00:06:03,120 --> 00:06:04,960
Have fun. See you, then.
154
00:06:08,320 --> 00:06:11,240
Would have been nice to go,
but someone has to stay behind
155
00:06:11,240 --> 00:06:15,040
cos obviously some of the residents
can't go.
156
00:06:15,040 --> 00:06:16,840
Some of them don't want to go.
157
00:06:16,840 --> 00:06:18,280
So, um...
158
00:06:18,280 --> 00:06:21,400
And I've got a new resident
moving in today, Mrs Shaw,
159
00:06:21,400 --> 00:06:23,720
so we have to be here
to register her.
160
00:06:23,720 --> 00:06:25,440
So, er, I'd better crack on.
161
00:06:25,440 --> 00:06:28,720
Those urinals aren't
going to clean themselves.
162
00:06:44,760 --> 00:06:46,440
How long will it take to get there?
163
00:06:46,440 --> 00:06:47,600
A couple of hours.
164
00:06:47,600 --> 00:06:48,920
Is it faster than a train?
165
00:06:48,920 --> 00:06:50,040
Er...
166
00:06:50,040 --> 00:06:52,800
Could you race a train if there...?
167
00:06:52,800 --> 00:06:54,960
Can you just let me
get out the car park?
168
00:06:54,960 --> 00:06:56,600
Yeah. Could you race a train?
169
00:06:56,600 --> 00:07:00,560
If there was a motorway, right,
and there was a train track,
170
00:07:00,560 --> 00:07:04,080
what would win if they was both
straight, both going the same place?
171
00:07:05,080 --> 00:07:06,600
If it was a Lamborghini...
172
00:07:08,680 --> 00:07:11,880
What would win
between a unicorn and a gerbil?
173
00:07:11,880 --> 00:07:13,320
It's stuff that wouldn't meet.
174
00:07:13,320 --> 00:07:15,800
If they did meet they wouldn't
sort of have a disagreement.
175
00:07:16,880 --> 00:07:21,200
The unicorn's got a horn, but
if the gerbil bit it, it had AIDS -
176
00:07:21,200 --> 00:07:23,160
not AIDS, rabies - it would kill it.
177
00:07:24,600 --> 00:07:27,440
What would win
out of AIDS and rabies?
178
00:07:27,440 --> 00:07:29,720
When are they having a race, Derek?!
179
00:07:29,720 --> 00:07:32,600
No, not in racing terms,
like, fighting each other.
180
00:07:32,600 --> 00:07:37,080
Who would die first, AIDS versus
rabies? If they met in the blood,
181
00:07:37,080 --> 00:07:39,120
who would win out of AIDS and...?
182
00:07:39,120 --> 00:07:42,480
Do you know what? It might be
a different result every time.
183
00:07:42,480 --> 00:07:44,640
Could you give AIDS cancer?
184
00:07:44,640 --> 00:07:47,440
If a dog had got rabies,
attacked a man with AIDS
185
00:07:47,440 --> 00:07:51,960
and the man bit him and the dog bit
the man, would the dog get AIDS?
186
00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:55,040
It's not safe. You can't concentrate.
187
00:07:55,040 --> 00:07:56,680
SIREN WAILS
188
00:07:56,680 --> 00:07:57,560
Here you are!
189
00:07:57,560 --> 00:07:58,600
What's that?
190
00:07:58,600 --> 00:08:01,280
What would win out of
an ambulance and a police car...
191
00:08:01,280 --> 00:08:03,080
I can't concentrate.
It's mental, this.
192
00:08:03,080 --> 00:08:04,280
..and a fire engine?
193
00:08:04,280 --> 00:08:07,360
It's funny how you can get told off
for being on a mobile whilst driving.
194
00:08:07,360 --> 00:08:10,080
Surely this has
got to be dangerous, hasn't it?
195
00:08:10,080 --> 00:08:11,160
I ask questions...
196
00:08:11,160 --> 00:08:12,240
This is not safe.
197
00:08:16,160 --> 00:08:20,880
Hi! Hi. Hello. I'm Hannah.
Hello, welcome to Broad Hill.
198
00:08:20,880 --> 00:08:22,160
It's lovely to see you.
199
00:08:22,160 --> 00:08:23,520
Hannah?
200
00:08:23,520 --> 00:08:26,720
Rebecca. Shaw.
201
00:08:26,720 --> 00:08:29,880
Ohhh! Shaw, yes!
202
00:08:29,880 --> 00:08:32,280
Oh, we...went to school together.
203
00:08:32,280 --> 00:08:35,400
Well, till you left
when you were about 15.
204
00:08:36,920 --> 00:08:38,560
16, yeah.
205
00:08:38,560 --> 00:08:41,280
I stayed on till I was 18
cos I did loads of A-levels,
206
00:08:41,280 --> 00:08:43,520
but you didn't even
do GCSEs, did you?
207
00:08:43,520 --> 00:08:45,640
No.
208
00:08:47,920 --> 00:08:50,720
You... Do you need qualifications
to work here?
209
00:08:50,720 --> 00:08:53,080
Yeah.
210
00:08:53,080 --> 00:08:56,080
So you passed something, then.
That's brilliant!
211
00:08:56,080 --> 00:08:57,080
Really proud.
212
00:08:57,080 --> 00:08:58,680
Yeah!
213
00:09:01,280 --> 00:09:03,720
Shall we get a cup of tea?
Shall we have a seat?
214
00:09:03,720 --> 00:09:07,920
Let me introduce you to...
everyone that's here.
215
00:09:07,920 --> 00:09:09,800
Er, this is Sheila.
216
00:09:09,800 --> 00:09:12,000
And this is Lizzie.
217
00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:13,520
And this is Prem.
218
00:09:14,560 --> 00:09:16,000
Derek? What?
219
00:09:16,000 --> 00:09:17,720
A horse walks into a pub.
220
00:09:17,720 --> 00:09:20,200
The barman says,
"Why the long face?"
221
00:09:21,880 --> 00:09:23,080
(CHUCKLES WHEEZILY)
222
00:09:23,080 --> 00:09:24,720
Cos he's a horse, innit?
223
00:09:24,720 --> 00:09:26,920
No it's not because he's a horse.
224
00:09:26,920 --> 00:09:31,800
Forget it, mate. Here's a joke.
Two Chinamen walk into a pub.
225
00:09:31,800 --> 00:09:33,640
Barman says, "Why the same face?"
226
00:09:35,360 --> 00:09:36,800
He's a racist. Yeah.
227
00:09:38,720 --> 00:09:40,160
We need to stop. Why?
228
00:09:40,160 --> 00:09:41,440
I need a piss.
229
00:09:41,440 --> 00:09:43,440
He needs a piss.
I needs a wee as well.
230
00:09:43,440 --> 00:09:45,280
(DOUG) Just hang on.
231
00:09:45,280 --> 00:09:46,280
Go on, Kev.
232
00:09:46,280 --> 00:09:47,280
All right, go on.
233
00:09:50,640 --> 00:09:51,800
Don't be ages.
234
00:09:54,080 --> 00:09:57,200
Kevin, what are you doing?!
Why do you think I pulled over here?
235
00:09:57,200 --> 00:10:00,560
There's a load of bushes there.
Go and have a piss over there!
236
00:10:00,560 --> 00:10:01,080
All right!
237
00:10:01,080 --> 00:10:02,200
Pissing on my wheel arch!
238
00:10:04,200 --> 00:10:07,440
It's like Whipsnade, innit?
Look at 'em!
239
00:10:10,560 --> 00:10:12,280
I hate this. I hate stopping,
240
00:10:12,280 --> 00:10:13,840
cos everyone you've overtaken,
241
00:10:13,840 --> 00:10:16,240
they're going past me again
and I'm losing time.
242
00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:18,640
Could've had a piss before we left.
243
00:10:20,920 --> 00:10:24,560
It's another excuse for Kev, though,
innit, to get his cock in his hand.
244
00:10:24,560 --> 00:10:26,000
What's that? Shush!
245
00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:26,840
What is it?
246
00:10:26,840 --> 00:10:28,120
(A sebaceous cyst.)
247
00:10:32,080 --> 00:10:33,760
Keep that to yourself.
248
00:10:44,640 --> 00:10:45,840
You're quiet, Derek.
249
00:10:45,840 --> 00:10:48,160
I've just seen the worstest penis
in the whole world.
250
00:10:48,160 --> 00:10:48,560
Snitch!
251
00:10:48,560 --> 00:10:50,200
I didn't say whose penis it was.
252
00:10:50,200 --> 00:10:51,440
It's obviously mine,
253
00:10:51,440 --> 00:10:54,160
cos it's the worstest penis
in the whole world.
254
00:10:54,160 --> 00:10:55,960
All right, Pam?
255
00:11:09,920 --> 00:11:12,160
I wondered why
you weren't on Facebook.
256
00:11:16,000 --> 00:11:19,360
'When am I going to go on Facebook?
What would I put on there?
257
00:11:19,360 --> 00:11:21,160
'"Changed a bedpan"?'
258
00:11:22,360 --> 00:11:24,640
I've never been a go-getter.
259
00:11:24,640 --> 00:11:28,360
Unless you count going to get
prescriptions for this lot.
260
00:11:30,360 --> 00:11:31,640
It's funny, you know,
261
00:11:31,640 --> 00:11:34,880
seeing Rebecca Shaw's made me feel
a bit sorry for myself.
262
00:11:36,560 --> 00:11:39,560
With her five-bedroom house
and her six-figure salary
263
00:11:39,560 --> 00:11:42,880
and her Prada bag
and her Jimmy Choo shoes.
264
00:11:44,560 --> 00:11:47,080
Never heard her talk about
any friends, though, did I?
265
00:11:48,560 --> 00:11:51,480
Never talked about
anyone but herself.
266
00:11:51,480 --> 00:11:53,920
Joan used to say, "You make
a living from what you get.
267
00:11:53,920 --> 00:11:55,920
"You make a life
from what you give."
268
00:11:57,080 --> 00:12:00,240
Derek makes nothing
and he gives everything.
269
00:12:01,760 --> 00:12:03,200
And then I found myself thinking,
270
00:12:03,200 --> 00:12:05,800
"I can't wait for Derek
and Dougie to get back."
271
00:12:05,800 --> 00:12:07,440
(SIGHS)
272
00:12:07,440 --> 00:12:09,080
Even Kev!
273
00:12:09,080 --> 00:12:12,360
And that's not normal.
274
00:12:12,360 --> 00:12:13,760
I wish Hannah was here,
275
00:12:13,760 --> 00:12:16,280
but she's got to stay back
cos some people are a bit too weak
276
00:12:16,280 --> 00:12:18,200
to come, so she looks after them.
277
00:12:18,200 --> 00:12:20,840
I misses her,
but she's looking after 'em
278
00:12:20,840 --> 00:12:22,840
and I'm looking after these lot.
279
00:12:22,840 --> 00:12:25,720
Everyone's had a nice day, probably.
280
00:12:25,720 --> 00:12:27,200
Innit?
281
00:12:27,200 --> 00:12:29,760
Yes, she's good as gold, Hannah.
282
00:12:29,760 --> 00:12:32,120
The job's really important to her,
know what I mean?
283
00:12:32,120 --> 00:12:35,080
She'd love to be coming out
for a day trip today,
284
00:12:35,080 --> 00:12:36,720
but her duty comes first.
285
00:12:36,720 --> 00:12:40,280
There's people back at the home
who needs looking after.
286
00:12:40,280 --> 00:12:41,480
And duty comes first.
287
00:12:43,280 --> 00:12:45,080
'And you know,
288
00:12:45,080 --> 00:12:47,720
'I'm sure her life hasn't turned out
exactly as she planned,
289
00:12:47,720 --> 00:12:50,560
'but that's because she always
thinks of others before herself.'
290
00:12:53,000 --> 00:12:56,000
# When she was just a girl
291
00:12:56,000 --> 00:12:59,640
# She expected the world
292
00:12:59,640 --> 00:13:02,640
# But it flew away from her reach
293
00:13:02,640 --> 00:13:06,120
# And the bullets catch in her teeth
294
00:13:06,120 --> 00:13:10,440
# Life goes on, it gets so heavy
295
00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:13,760
# The wheel breaks the butterfly
296
00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:16,720
# Every tear a waterfall
297
00:13:16,720 --> 00:13:22,840
# In the night, the stormy night,
She closed her eyes
298
00:13:22,840 --> 00:13:30,200
# In the night, the stormy night
Away she flies
299
00:13:30,200 --> 00:13:33,920
# I dream of para-para-paradise
300
00:13:33,920 --> 00:13:41,200
# Para-para-paradise
301
00:13:41,200 --> 00:13:44,120
# Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
302
00:13:44,120 --> 00:13:47,200
# Dream of para-para-paradise
303
00:13:47,200 --> 00:13:54,120
# Para-para-paradise
304
00:13:54,120 --> 00:13:58,480
# Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
305
00:13:58,480 --> 00:14:05,600
# Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
306
00:14:05,600 --> 00:14:09,000
# Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh
Ooh-ooh... #
307
00:14:13,880 --> 00:14:15,480
It's all right, innit?
308
00:14:17,120 --> 00:14:18,640
It's all you need, innit?
309
00:14:20,720 --> 00:14:22,280
I don't know why people go abroad
310
00:14:22,280 --> 00:14:24,240
when they've got this
on their doorstep.
311
00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:29,320
But this is all I need, this.
A bit of peace and quiet.
312
00:14:29,320 --> 00:14:30,960
Dougie? Dougie!
313
00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:32,800
Douglas!
314
00:14:34,480 --> 00:14:36,600
Peace and quite over with
for the day.
315
00:14:36,600 --> 00:14:37,720
Dougie. What?
What?
316
00:14:37,720 --> 00:14:40,040
Right, what would win
if all the sea creatures got
317
00:14:40,040 --> 00:14:44,360
and foughted all the land creatures
sort of on the beach here?
318
00:14:44,360 --> 00:14:47,280
Some that can't swim
could fight ones that can swim.
319
00:14:47,280 --> 00:14:49,800
Like a shark could fight a lion...
320
00:14:49,800 --> 00:14:51,200
VOICE FADES
321
00:14:51,200 --> 00:14:52,360
Got to get there first.
322
00:14:52,360 --> 00:14:53,520
Can you manage?
323
00:14:53,520 --> 00:14:55,760
Jesus! You're heavier than you look!
324
00:14:58,520 --> 00:15:01,160
You've missed it again.
You've missed it.
325
00:15:01,160 --> 00:15:03,400
You've got to hit it this way,
not that way.
326
00:15:03,400 --> 00:15:06,560
Cos you might as well not be sat
there. It's coming round anyway.
327
00:15:08,600 --> 00:15:10,320
No, you keep missing it. Hit it.
328
00:15:10,320 --> 00:15:11,840
There you are.
329
00:15:11,840 --> 00:15:14,360
There y'are. You've missed it again.
330
00:15:14,360 --> 00:15:18,160
Right, I'll hit it that way,
you hit it this way.
331
00:15:18,160 --> 00:15:20,080
Hit it now!
332
00:15:20,080 --> 00:15:21,360
Now!
333
00:15:21,360 --> 00:15:22,600
Right.
334
00:15:22,600 --> 00:15:23,600
Now.
335
00:15:24,840 --> 00:15:26,960
Now! Bloody 'ell!
336
00:15:25,416 --> 00:15:26,256
Have you ever played polo?
337
00:15:26,256 --> 00:15:27,656
No.
338
00:15:27,656 --> 00:15:31,016
Oh, right, because I've got this
polo pony, right.
339
00:15:31,016 --> 00:15:33,616
They're smaller than normal horses,
OK, and they're called ponies.
340
00:15:33,616 --> 00:15:35,616
Do you know what a chukka is?
341
00:15:35,616 --> 00:15:37,176
No. It's sort of like a game.
342
00:15:37,176 --> 00:15:40,456
It's a sort of a
game of polo, type thing...
343
00:15:40,456 --> 00:15:41,936
Hello!
344
00:15:41,936 --> 00:15:43,336
Do you want any help or...
345
00:15:43,336 --> 00:15:45,256
Yes, always.
346
00:15:45,256 --> 00:15:48,016
This is Mrs Shaw. She's a new
resident coming in today
347
00:15:48,016 --> 00:15:50,256
and this is Rebecca, her daughter.
348
00:15:50,256 --> 00:15:53,056
This is Vicky.
She's a volunteer.
349
00:15:53,056 --> 00:15:53,896
You don't get paid?
350
00:15:53,896 --> 00:15:55,656
No.
351
00:15:55,656 --> 00:15:58,696
Heart's not really going
to be in it then, is it?
352
00:15:58,696 --> 00:16:01,576
Well, the shit either comes off
the bog or it don't, to be honest.
353
00:16:03,736 --> 00:16:06,936
Actually, I find volunteers to be
just as hard-working as paid staff.
354
00:16:06,936 --> 00:16:09,816
Yes, you wouldn't get me with
my hands down a toilet for nothing.
355
00:16:09,816 --> 00:16:11,496
Bit of a mug's game, that.
356
00:16:11,496 --> 00:16:13,856
You'll have your head down one
if you call me a mug again.
357
00:16:13,856 --> 00:16:18,936
Right, shall we get you started,
Vicky? Let's...
358
00:16:18,936 --> 00:16:20,536
God.
359
00:16:20,536 --> 00:16:22,056
It's disgusting.
360
00:16:22,056 --> 00:16:24,336
Hannah is giving her
a good talking-to.
361
00:16:24,336 --> 00:16:26,176
She won't last long
if she's got any sense.
362
00:16:26,176 --> 00:16:28,936
Don't you dare put her head
down the bog without getting me
363
00:16:28,936 --> 00:16:29,936
to help you first.
364
00:16:31,216 --> 00:16:36,576
# I was lying on the grass
on Sunday morning of last week
365
00:16:36,576 --> 00:16:40,216
# Indulging in my self-defeat
366
00:16:41,656 --> 00:16:46,376
# My mind was thugged, all laced and
bugged, all twisted, wrong and beat
367
00:16:46,376 --> 00:16:49,016
# A comfortable three feet deep
368
00:16:51,576 --> 00:16:55,856
# Now the fuzzy stare from not being
there on a confusing morning week
369
00:16:56,976 --> 00:16:59,656
# Impaired my tribal lunar-speak
370
00:17:02,216 --> 00:17:07,016
# And of course you can't become if
you only say what you would've done
371
00:17:07,016 --> 00:17:09,656
# So I missed a million miles of fun
372
00:17:11,736 --> 00:17:16,816
# I know it's up for me
If you steal my sunshine
373
00:17:16,816 --> 00:17:19,736
# Making sure I'm not
in too deep... #
374
00:17:21,216 --> 00:17:24,096
Really interesting, isn't it?
375
00:17:24,096 --> 00:17:28,576
You know, if you're a successful,
powerful, intellectual women
376
00:17:28,576 --> 00:17:32,616
coming into the world,
people get really intimidated.
377
00:17:32,616 --> 00:17:33,976
Mm.
378
00:17:33,976 --> 00:17:36,176
You get chatted up all the time.
379
00:17:36,176 --> 00:17:39,896
On one hand,
they are really attracted to you...
380
00:17:39,896 --> 00:17:41,296
attracted to me.
381
00:17:41,296 --> 00:17:43,816
Sexually attracted to me,
and whatever.
382
00:17:43,816 --> 00:17:45,256
Then we start talking
383
00:17:45,256 --> 00:17:47,776
and I can see their face
fall a little bit as they realise
384
00:17:47,776 --> 00:17:51,136
that I'm probably more
intelligent than they are...
385
00:17:51,136 --> 00:17:52,136
SEAGULLS CRY
386
00:17:53,896 --> 00:17:56,296
Now look. It's made a road.
387
00:17:56,296 --> 00:17:59,776
It's like it's made
a little road, a little trail.
388
00:17:59,776 --> 00:18:02,376
That's where it can probably,
maybe, find its way back.
389
00:18:02,376 --> 00:18:03,576
Is it trying to get to the sea?
390
00:18:05,896 --> 00:18:06,936
Dunno.
391
00:18:10,576 --> 00:18:12,256
I'll see if it goes that way.
392
00:18:12,256 --> 00:18:14,296
See if I can suggest
a new route to it.
393
00:18:15,456 --> 00:18:18,856
Will this confuse it if I does
that and it goes back on itself?
394
00:18:18,856 --> 00:18:21,216
It thinks,
"I've already done this bit."
395
00:18:28,736 --> 00:18:29,816
What are you doing?
396
00:18:29,816 --> 00:18:31,496
Writing on crabs.
397
00:18:31,496 --> 00:18:32,376
What's all that about?
398
00:18:32,376 --> 00:18:33,736
He's writing on crabs.
399
00:18:35,456 --> 00:18:38,416
What? What the motherfuck
are you writing on crabs for?
400
00:18:38,416 --> 00:18:40,776
Weird question. Why aren't you
writing on crabs, mate?
401
00:18:40,776 --> 00:18:42,416
That's a better question.
402
00:18:42,416 --> 00:18:44,816
It's not. Why are you writing
on crabs?
403
00:18:44,816 --> 00:18:46,296
Flat shiny surface, mate.
404
00:18:46,296 --> 00:18:47,656
Marker pen.
405
00:18:47,656 --> 00:18:49,016
You do the math.
406
00:18:49,016 --> 00:18:51,136
Irresistible, boy.
407
00:18:51,136 --> 00:18:53,176
Just written TWAT on this one.
408
00:18:53,176 --> 00:18:56,216
If I could find a bigger one
I'd write CARPET MUNCHER.
409
00:18:56,216 --> 00:18:58,736
What other words are you writing?
410
00:18:58,736 --> 00:19:01,496
QUIM, TAMPON.
411
00:19:01,496 --> 00:19:03,776
There's MUFF here.
412
00:19:03,776 --> 00:19:05,656
There's COCK over there.
413
00:19:05,656 --> 00:19:07,776
I've never heard of anyone
going to the seaside
414
00:19:07,776 --> 00:19:09,696
and doing this as a little activity.
415
00:19:09,696 --> 00:19:12,096
Using crabs as fucking
post-it notes.
416
00:19:12,096 --> 00:19:13,496
Who are you, crab police?
417
00:19:14,656 --> 00:19:17,256
Honestly, you amaze me.
418
00:19:17,256 --> 00:19:18,616
What's BOLL?
419
00:19:18,616 --> 00:19:21,696
BOLL and OCKS.
420
00:19:21,696 --> 00:19:23,656
The only make sense together.
421
00:19:23,656 --> 00:19:24,936
They're like Jedward.
422
00:19:26,736 --> 00:19:28,416
BOLL and OCKS.
423
00:19:28,416 --> 00:19:29,576
Go on, boys.
424
00:19:29,576 --> 00:19:30,896
Go and annoy the world.
425
00:19:30,896 --> 00:19:34,256
Can you find TITS?
426
00:19:35,856 --> 00:19:37,256
Scuttled off.
427
00:20:36,696 --> 00:20:38,616
Junior Greenpeace.
Do you remember that?
428
00:20:38,616 --> 00:20:40,056
And I got sent that ring.
429
00:20:40,056 --> 00:20:42,736
Do you remember that I had that
silver dolphin ring at school?
430
00:20:42,736 --> 00:20:43,296
Do you remember that?
431
00:20:43,296 --> 00:20:45,016
Yes.
432
00:20:45,016 --> 00:20:46,456
I found... I went on a cruise,
right, to...
433
00:20:46,456 --> 00:20:48,936
Hi! You're back late.
434
00:20:48,936 --> 00:20:49,976
Yes.
435
00:20:49,976 --> 00:20:51,016
Is that for me? Yeah.
436
00:20:51,016 --> 00:20:52,456
Brilliant. I missed you.
437
00:20:52,456 --> 00:20:54,256
Yes, I missed you.
438
00:20:54,256 --> 00:20:58,096
This is Jill Shaw, the lady I told
you about, that moved in today.
439
00:20:58,096 --> 00:20:59,696
This is her daughter, Rebecca.
440
00:20:59,696 --> 00:21:02,616
Hello. Kev wroted TWAT on a crab.
441
00:21:02,616 --> 00:21:03,656
Did you? Why?
442
00:21:03,656 --> 00:21:05,776
Yes, with marker pen.
443
00:21:05,776 --> 00:21:07,536
And MUFF and QUIM.
444
00:21:07,536 --> 00:21:08,656
ANUS.
445
00:21:08,656 --> 00:21:09,696
Brilliant.
446
00:21:09,696 --> 00:21:12,296
I saw his knob.
It's the worstest knob in the world.
447
00:21:12,296 --> 00:21:15,136
It's terrible.
It's like a dinosaur's knob.
448
00:21:15,136 --> 00:21:17,816
It's bony, but it's got
lumps on it.
449
00:21:19,416 --> 00:21:20,416
Interested? Hmm...
450
00:21:20,416 --> 00:21:22,896
And he said it's a herbaceous cyst.
451
00:21:22,896 --> 00:21:24,016
Sebaceous cyst.
452
00:21:24,016 --> 00:21:26,336
Yes. Sebaceous cyst.
453
00:21:26,336 --> 00:21:27,536
These are my friends.
454
00:21:28,656 --> 00:21:29,696
Friends!
455
00:21:29,696 --> 00:21:30,616
What did you have for lunch?
456
00:21:30,616 --> 00:21:31,896
Fish and chips.
457
00:21:31,896 --> 00:21:34,096
You should get some of those.
458
00:21:34,096 --> 00:21:35,096
What?
459
00:21:36,856 --> 00:21:38,016
Fine. I'd better go.
460
00:21:39,096 --> 00:21:42,256
Sorry I haven't turned out
the way you wanted, Mother.
461
00:21:42,256 --> 00:21:43,376
I've achieved enough.
462
00:21:43,376 --> 00:21:45,896
Obviously I've been
a disappointment to you.
463
00:21:45,896 --> 00:21:49,536
It's always been the other way round
and you know it, dear.
464
00:21:49,536 --> 00:21:50,576
On you go.
465
00:21:50,576 --> 00:21:52,376
Bye. See you.
466
00:21:53,816 --> 00:21:56,376
This is Derek.
Derek works here as well.
467
00:21:56,376 --> 00:21:58,696
This is Dougie.
468
00:21:58,696 --> 00:22:00,736
And this is Kev.
469
00:22:00,736 --> 00:22:04,336
'She'll get over it,
back at her five-bedroom house.'
470
00:22:04,336 --> 00:22:07,336
She ain't got room for her mum,
though.
471
00:22:07,336 --> 00:22:08,376
Five bedrooms.
472
00:22:08,376 --> 00:22:10,656
I've got 23 bedrooms.
473
00:22:10,656 --> 00:22:12,176
And I've got a six-figure salary
474
00:22:12,176 --> 00:22:14,536
if you count the two
after the decimal point.
475
00:22:17,336 --> 00:22:19,696
Still, I suppose it was nice to see
her after all these years.
476
00:22:22,136 --> 00:22:24,496
She hasn't changed a bit.
477
00:22:24,496 --> 00:22:26,256
She always was a cunt.
478
00:22:46,776 --> 00:22:49,296
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