All language subtitles for Derek s01e01 bbb.eng

I'm Derek Noakes.

I work here at Broadhill nursing
home for the elderly, care home.

'I loves it here. It's brilliant.

'All my favouritest people are here.

'My best friend is Dougie, right?
And I also lives with him.

'He's the caretaker here.'

- You didn't hear me coming.
- No.

I love wrestling.

- But he's got to be careful,
cos I sneaks up, don't I? - Yeah.

'And Kev is my other friend as well.

'He sometimes
stays on the floor at Dougie's.

'He doesn't work here.
He doesn't work.

'He doesn't do anything.'

He's always talking about...
his penis and testicles, isn't he?

That's all he's got.

And he doesn't even want his,
he doesn't care about his, do you?

I'd get rid of it tomorrow.

And best of all is Hannah.

She's the manager here, and she's
the nicest person in the world.

She cares for everyone.

'Everyone gets on here.

'Well, Dougie and Kev
are always arguing,

'but they likes that.

'It's funny.'

What are you looking at?

I knows.

What?

Hair.

I don't understand it, mate.

He says it's the worstest haircut
he's seen on planet Earth.

Don't worry about it, anyway.
It's nature.

It's not nature, mate.

It is nature. It is nature.

That's exactly what it is.
This bit fucked off.

That bit stayed.
Don't worry about it.

It's not your problem.

I've got so many best friends.

I'm the luckiest man in the world.

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Did I say my name, Derek Noakes?

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- Hi.
- Hey.

You all right?

Yeah. You all right?

Yeah.

Hannah's new boyfriend, Tom.

He's a nice guy.
We've been out for a drink.

That's it.

Tom, you know your ship?

- Yeah.
- Could it beat a whale? Is it big enough?

- Well, what in a fight?
- Yeah, if it was like...

- If they bumped into each other?
- Yeah. Yeah.

I think we'd still survive.

What's that thing the whale does
when it jumps up and splatters it?

- With the tail flick?
- Yeah.

What, you think,
could it do that to...

Knock it over?
What about five whales?

If they were working together
as a team?

- As a gang.
- As a gang.

If they were coordinated?
Five at once.

If a rhino was as big as a whale,
could it beat a whale?

Cos that's like the most powerful,
isn't it?

I think a rhino's smaller
than a whale.

Yeah, I know, but if it was
the same size, would it be...

Yeah, yeah, charging at it.

Yeah.

And then... you know.

You doing Hannah, mate?

What?

You doing Hannah?
I'll take that as a yes, mate.

A good call, wise choice.
She doesn't put it about, so...

No?

Nah... She's not pregnant either.

I doubt there's any venereal disease

sort of banging around
in her basement, so...

If I'm being honest with you, mate,
I'd happily do her,

even if she was pregnant
with venereal disease.

- That's very sweet of you.
- Beggars can't be choosers, mate.

- These lot aren't bothering you, are they?
- No, no, no.

Derek's just been asking me every
possible outcome of animals fighting

and Don Juan here has just told me
you're not pregnant or diseased.

But don't worry, even if you were,
he still would.

Still would.

The people from the council
are coming in today,

so I'm running around trying to
make sure everything's in order.

Trying to stay one step
ahead of the game.

Let's move these. Mick, no money.

Have now.

No, you can't gamble for money.
The council are here.

This has got to go.

Lesley, this has got to move,
and this hoover, please.

That's my favourite thing in here.
Apart from the people.

Fred the frog.

Where's Dougie?
That shouldn't be here.

Lesley, help me out.

You can't leave a hoover
in the middle of the floor.

Henry hoover.

Yeah, Derek, can you pick that up
for me, please?

Come on, Theresa, help me out. OK?

This area is fine.

This is Dougie's.

Lizzie, have you got your teeth in?
OK.

Lizzie, can you just do
a general check round for me?

Thank you. Dougie!

- If you'd like to take a seat.
- Right, thank you.

'I dread these council visits.

'I don't know what
they want to see me about.

'It's probably to introduce
another bit of red tape

'to make my job even harder.

'They don't care.'

They just have to make sure
that their costs come in on budget.

It's not good news, Hannah.

You see,
in the budgets for the year,

obviously, we have to prioritise,
and because this isn't a big home,

we thought it would be easiest
to re-home the 20 or so residents...

- 22.
- 22.

22 residents into a few of the bigger
facilities in and around the area.

I'm not re-homing them.

Well, I can understand your
reluctance, but without funding,

it would be a struggle
to run the home efficiently.

Well, it's a struggle to run it
efficiently with the funding.

Well, exactly. I do understand.

Do you?

Well, fine. Well, we'll fund
the place ourselves.

Yeah, well, no,
it's not quite that easy.

You see, you still have to show
that you can provide

all the necessary standards.

You can't just let people live here
and fend for themselves.

Sorry?
Who do you think you're talking to?

Why would I let people
fend for themselves?

No, no, Hannah, all I'm saying

is that at the moment,
we're assessing the situation.

If we think this can be funded
despite the cuts,

we might be able
to save the place.

'I've never understood budgets
when it comes to things like this.'

It costs what it costs.

If it costs more than some person
in a suit thought it would,

it doesn't mean we're overspending,
it means your stupid guess was wrong.

50% of your total costs
are on staff.

Could we streamline there?

What does streamline mean?

Oh, just trim away the fat,
that's all.

They're snooping around now,
trying to find ways to cut corners.

Good luck!

Oh, shit? Kev.

You've got to get rid of Kev.
Council are here.

Get rid of him for about an hour.

Why an hour?
He shouldn't be here full stop.

Just get rid of him.

He's harmless enough, you know,
but Derek has taken a shine to him,

so... if he wasn't here,
he'd be dead in a skip.

Bullshit, mate. It is bullshit.

I had to touch him.

Well done.

He fucking stinks.

Where's Kev?

He's outside, airing.

What?

I've put him outside to air.
He stinks.

Dougie. Councilman.

This is the dining area.

I'm off. I'll see you later, Derek.
See you later on.

Douglas... Dougie.
This is Roger and this is...?

Karen.

- Karen. This is Douglas.
- Douglas.

He's our caretaker and handyman,

and jack of all trades, really,
aren't you?

You're responsible for everything,
are you?

Yeah, pretty much, yeah.

Right.

I'll get on.

Oh, see you, then.

And this is the, er... telly area.

Yes.

And a few of our residents.

Hi.

Hello. Hello.

This is Derek.

Yeah, Derek.
Lizzie, Sheila, Edna, Pam.

Precious. What's your name?

I'm Roger, and this is Karen.

Roger, Karen, Roger, Karen...
Roger.

Roger that.

Very good.

- Maybe we could all have a chat...
- Yeah, we'll have a chat, shall we?

Later.

- Shall I show you the bedrooms?
- Would be good, yes.

OK, they're just through here.

- See you in a bit.
- Bye, bye.

Bye.

You're general fix-it man, are you?

Yeah, if it's broke, they call me,
yeah, they call for Dougie.

What sort of training do you have,
Dougie?

They just want to talk to the staff
one on one, ask a few questions.

They're just chatting to Dougie now
so...

All I want to do
is find out a few simple things

about what it is you actually do.

I've told you, I do everything.

I've got a broken cup
that needs fixing.

I can see.

I've got a meerkat here, a solar
powered meerkat from the garden.

It's knackered, I'll fix that.
I fixed the toaster this morning.

Right...

Pop back next week,
all this will be sorted

and I'll have another pile of shit
to fix!

I don't know what you want from me.

I'm a little bit worried
about the electrics thing, Dougie.

If you don't have any training...

It's not that hard, Roger.

- Really?
- Yeah. It's not that hard. It's three wires, innit?

Well...

Brown, blue and sort of earth.

Put them in the right ones,
you're away.

You're making it seem
like it's a massive drama.

We're talking about a toaster.

It was just a loose wire.
I fixed it.

They've got toast again.
I don't know what the form is.

I just see you ticking boxes.

You don't have to know
what the form is.

It's just a few notes about
what it is you do, who you are,

how you fit in here.

Yeah, I fit in. I do fit in.

Well, I can see that.
I can see you do a lot around here.

Everything. I do everything.

I think we've got
pretty much all we want.

Good.

Right.

They're treating me like a twat,

coming in here,
looking at what I'm doing.

They're looking for problems.
The moment he walked in here,

he didn't want to hear
good news from me.

He's looking for problems.

'I reckon it causes more problems,
them coming around.

You know, the old ones, they find it
stressful with some stranger

coming around with a suit on,
eyeing everybody up and down.

They don't think of that, though,
do they?

No, nothing's going to change at all,
OK?

It's fine.
I won't let anything happen.

- They wouldn't move us...
- No. Absolutely not.

They don't want to go anywhere else.
Why would they?

It's great here, innit?
They love it.

Everyone gets on.
We're like one big family.

'And then they come in,
messing it up.

'The thing is, they want to find
problems so they can close us down.

'Waste the money on something else.'

- A cup of tea?
- Yes.

Right, then.

Got to find the word, wordsearch.
It's bands? Chico she's found.

- Coolio we need to find next...
- Derek?

What?

Can you get those tadpoles
out of the sink, put 'em in the pond?

No. Fish will eat them.

Can you just do it?

No, because thousands would be dead.

Murderer... Mass murderer.

Tadpole Hitler.

I'd quite like to have a look
at the lunches.

Can you supply something for us?

Yeah. Absolutely. We've got
all the menus and everything.

We try and keep a nice variety
for them.

And it's nutritious?

Of course. Absolutely.

It's not wee. Tadpoles.

Hannah said put 'em in the pond
while you're sneaking round.

I'm not going to put them
in the pond.

I'll just leave them outside,
and I'll put 'em in the bath,

back in the bathroom when he goes.

OK. Putting the tadpoles outside
until he goes.

And then going to put 'em
back in the bath.

Look, one's starting
to get his legs.

Oh.

He's a froglet.

Yes, yes.

Are those carers?

They're volunteers.
Well, two of them are volunteers.

One of them is on community service.

Really?

I thought you couldn't work here
if you had a criminal record.

Well, it's never anything bad.

You know, and we can do
with all the help we can get.

This is Theresa and Lesley and Mick.

Mick's the one
doing community service.

Yeah.

Just doing a few days with us,
aren't you, Mick?

So what did you do
to land yourself in here?

Threw something
in my neighbour's skip.

See, it's never anything that bad.

What, and he called the police?
What did you throw in there?

His wife,
she was doing my fucking head in.

This is Jack. Arthur.

This is the low-dependency corridor.

People come and go as they please,
you know?

Hi, Annie.

Oh, hi.

You all right?

He needed a kip.

Yeah, just had a kip.
You weren't bothered, were you?

No, it didn't bother me.

No, it didn't bother her,
so I just...

Get the fuck out.

Bloody hell, charming, innit?

God! Just hold on...

I was worried about, you know, little
things like a cable across something

or a wobbly chair
or something like that.

I didn't expect them
to see Kev's bollocks.

None of us did.

Once the council have been...
They've been snooping round,

they'll get rid of us two
straight away,

we're not needed. Get all the old
people out. No.

That's what will happen.

I understand we can save the house
by raising money ourselves.

Jumble sales...

It's a nice idea, Derek.

- We can save the place can't, we?
- Yeah. Next stop is a petition.

Petition?

Enough signatures, you can hand it in
officially.

He does signatures!

Best in the business.

He's got 35,000.

And he's wasted an entire life
getting them.

Yeah. How many do we need?

Well 100,000 and you can hand
it in to parliament.

100,000?

Yeah, but I was just speaking to
Linda Garvey over at Parkview.

Alzheimer's.

Yeah, they got saved from closure
with 5,000 signatures

so in that case, you know,
it worked.

I mean it could all come up again.

Let's get signatures, then.

Yeah, go down Hampstead High Street.

People love to get involved, don't
they? Bored housewives.

How bored?

What?

These housewives, how bored are
they? They bored sexually?

Are they choosy?
They want a bit of twinage?

A bit of piston thrusting?

Have you forgot the reason we're
going down there?

No, I haven't, mate. But I just want
a bit of pudding.

Pudding?

Yeah, sex pudding.

That's great!

Where do they want to move us,
anyway?

I don't know all the ins and outs.
It doesn't make sense.

Just someone who's
a bit of a jobsworth.

Want to change things that aren't
broken.

Interfering.

The world's full of them.

This is Dougie's job, I work in
the centre.

Kev doesn't... hasn't got a job,
have you? Have you, Kev?

No.

He claims... what, do you claim
benefit? Yeah.

- What do you claim it for?
- Everything.

What have you ever put into the
system?

I spread a lot of seed around.

It's just constantly on his mind.

Yeah. Kev said you are one of the
ugliest people he's ever met

because of your hair. Didn't you,
Kev? Yeah.

I'm not bothered.

Do something to it. Hairspray it.

There's no point. I know it looks
stupid.

People yell stuff at me
all the time.

The other day someone shouted,
"There's an egg with sideburns!"

Water off a duck's back.

As long as it's annoying you,
I'm going to leave it.

Why does Hampstead
sound like "hamster"?

Why has hamster got "ham" in it?

Why isn't a pig called a hamster?
Hamster.

Derek, watch what you're doing!
Just...

Kevin, will you keep your
eye on him?!

All right! It's not my job, is it?

I knows what I'm doing.

Holding on to a 50-year-old bloke,
it's weird.

Excuse me, will you save Broad Hill?

She'll sign it. Hello.

All right, love? Let's break the
ice.

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up as a choir boy!

She didn't sign it either.

They haven't got a clue have, they?

I don't know how many
signatures they've had.

Is it going to make any
difference, really?

Are we really going to save
the home by them two?

Look at 'em. The saviours
of Broad Hill Nursing Home!

What a mess!

Excuse me, do you live around here?
Sorry.

Do you live around here? Yeah.
Can I use your toilet?

Sorry.

'Desperation, isn't it?

'Well, you can see that as soon as
Kev goes towards someone, look,'

just avoiding him.
I don't blame 'em.

You all right? How you doing?
Very nice.

Is that your mum? Yeah?
I'm going to cut to the chase,

I've got absolutely no chance with
you unless you're, you know,

a prostitute or smackhead or
something.

In fact, I think I do stand a chance
with you, especially

if I can you a little pissed up
and teary.

You're meant to be getting
signatures

to save the old people's home.
You're chatting up women.

Stay away from the women. Never!

Joanna Lumley wasn't all over
the Gurkhas!

I wouldn't mind Joanna Lumley all
over my fucking Gurkhas!

Absolutely Fabulous, she was.

Pointless!

Try and not worry about it, you know?

I'll keep talking to 'em. They said
we could fund ourselves,

so we're always
fundraising, aren't we,

so it's not a problem. And me and
Marge could always go on the game.

The money I'd get wouldn't keep us
in biscuits!

It's Meadway, Meadway Animal Centre.

Excellent. My best day.

Oh, it's Meadway. They bring a few
pooches and moggies

for the residents to have a cuddle
with.

They're the local pet rescue centre.

They get a bit of grant money for
pet therapy so it's lovely, isn't it?

Yeah. Yeah, we always enjoy it

and they bring the older,
more docile

animals in for them and the pets get
smothered with attention

and the old folks get a furry
companion for the afternoon.

The problem is these, lot never
want to let them go, so...

I loves all animals, but Ivor's
probably my favourite

because he's always keen and he
likes that ball, right,

and he brings it back. And he's got
a tail like a sausage.

He thinks it's a big tail, but
it's not.

It's just like that, like a little
sausage, innit?

Look at his face, look at his face.
Look at how he loves that ball.

It's the best thing what he's
ever seen.

Oops! Did you see that?

Hello, Ivor! Come here.

Hello, Ivor!

Why does he fight to get the ball
and then he brings it back?

Why doesn't he just keep the ball?

Because they likes chasing
things, don't they?

A dog is the most enthusia...
Enthusiastic, is that a word?

The most enthusiastic
thing on the planet.

It just goes... if you go, "Do you
want to do this?"

It goes, "Definitely.
That's my best thing."

See that? He caught it.
And he brings it back. Magical.

Best thing in the world, animals.

'I wish they could keep
the animals for longer because

'it's so good for the residents,
particularly when they've had all

'the stress they've had with worrying
about the future of the home.

'I might ask if they can leave them
here tonight.'

Excuse me?

Do you think it would be possible
to leave the animals here

and pick them up tomorrow?

They can't be left unattended. Oh.

Someone would have to stay up
with them all night.

Right. OK. OK.

We'll get through it.

We'll just do what we have to do.

You have to, don't you?

90% of care home residents die within
six months of being re-homed, so...

I'm not going to let that happen.

This is their home.

They've got every right to stay
here till the end.

Not a lot to ask, is it?

'People think care means three
meals a day and a bed.

'But it means caring.

'And if you don't care,
you shouldn't be in the job.

'They deserve all the same
pleasures as anyone else.

'Just because they're old and poor
and weak, they're forgotten.'

Hello.

Look, since we last spoke I've had
a look at the figures,

and it probably comes as no surprise
to say that we won't be able to fund

this building in the light of the
current economic situation.

OK. Well, that's fine. We'll fund
ourselves. Thank you.

Well, not quite that simple.

You see, I've still got
a couple of qualms.

Derek. Um...

What exactly is his situation?
He's, uh... he's different.

Yeah, he's different, yeah.

I mean, he's the most popular,
kindest, best worker

anyone here has ever met
so he is different, yeah.

That's not what I meant.
I mean, is he, uh...

Is he handicapped?

Yeah, he's too nice for his own good.

No, I meant could he be autistic?

But what if the chimp had a gun,
then the bear...

Where's a chimp going to get a gun
from?

I don't know, a policeman who
wasn't concentrating?

Derek. What? Can I have a word?
Yeah.

Have you ever been
tested for autism?

I'm no good at tests.

What?

Would you mind seeing someone?

Who?

Well, an expert and a doctor.

You don't have to.

If I am tistic... what is it?
Autistic.

Au...? Tistic.

That's what I said. Tistic.

If I am tistic, will I die?

No. No, no. But at least we'd know.

Would I have to go into hospital
and do experiments on me? No!

So would it change me in any way?
Would I be the same person?

Yes.

Don't worry about it, then.

I think we've covered everything,
Roger?

I think we have. I think
everything's done now, Roger.

I think you've got everything,
ticked enough boxes?

I think you've pissed everybody off
since you've been here,

so you could shoot off now.

You got anything else to do whilst
you're here?

I'll just let you know, for your
form,

that toaster, I've given it a go,
nothing wrong with it.

I had lovely toast. No danger, no
one died.

All right... You can shoot
off now, you don't know anything.

You don't know that she did 68 hours
last week.

She's not meant to. She's meant to
do 40. She did 68, and why is that?

Because of people like you. Go.

You've got nothing to do here.

In fact you've probably got more to
do back at the office

sorting out your expenses.

Your little fish pie you have
at business lunches and all that.

Get back and sort all that out!

You know I've caught you out,
you're walking away again.

I've caught you out, you knobhead.

Dougie...

Yeah, I know I'm fired, yeah.

No. Do you want a cup of tea?

A cup of tea? Love a cup of tea,
yeah.

Well, I'll bring it down to you.

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