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1
00:00:04,500 --> 00:00:07,329
I now sentence you
to twelve years.
2
00:00:07,353 --> 00:00:09,561
Objection!
Too long?
3
00:00:10,991 --> 00:00:12,925
I always knew she was a bad egg.
4
00:00:13,801 --> 00:00:17,180
You are going to be stuck in
here for a very, very long time.
5
00:00:17,181 --> 00:00:19,850
You were washing your girlfriend's
flaps under Top Dog's
6
00:00:19,851 --> 00:00:22,010
favourite showerhead, bitch.
7
00:00:22,011 --> 00:00:24,440
I am like a horse whisperer...
8
00:00:24,441 --> 00:00:26,180
for women.
9
00:00:26,181 --> 00:00:28,710
I mean, it's not an address that
makes much sense to me...
10
00:00:28,711 --> 00:00:32,220
Helen, I will literally bend
over backwards
11
00:00:32,221 --> 00:00:33,894
to get you out of this hellhole.
12
00:00:36,301 --> 00:00:38,201
Aaarrgh!
13
00:00:50,318 --> 00:00:53,852
Sync by Provider
Corrected by icephoenix www.addic7ed.com
14
00:00:56,928 --> 00:00:57,971
Dear Maurice,
15
00:00:57,972 --> 00:01:00,781
Thanks so much for your last
postcard from death row.
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00:01:00,782 --> 00:01:03,781
In answer to your query, yes,
but we call them knickers
17
00:01:03,782 --> 00:01:07,251
over here and no,
we're not allowed lace, but that's
18
00:01:07,252 --> 00:01:10,201
for laundering reasons as much
as anything. It's my fourth week
19
00:01:10,202 --> 00:01:13,391
here in Broadmarsh and whatever
novelty value there was
20
00:01:13,392 --> 00:01:16,481
in being falsely imprisoned for
murdering my boss is wearing off.
21
00:01:16,482 --> 00:01:18,271
Although, saying that there is
22
00:01:18,272 --> 00:01:21,501
the annual quiz this week which is
a highlight of the prison calendar.
23
00:01:21,502 --> 00:01:24,472
They seem to take it pretty seriously.
24
00:01:27,552 --> 00:01:30,081
The good news is I've
found someone on the outside
25
00:01:30,082 --> 00:01:32,141
who's willing to help me:
Henry Keating.
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00:01:32,142 --> 00:01:34,554
Who'd have thought some bloke
from my office who I
27
00:01:34,555 --> 00:01:37,201
never even registered would be my
knight in shining armour?
28
00:01:37,202 --> 00:01:38,511
ZIPPER UNFASTENS
29
00:01:38,512 --> 00:01:41,051
I just hope I can repay him one day.
30
00:01:41,052 --> 00:01:43,498
I've not heard from my sister,
Laura, in a while
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00:01:43,499 --> 00:01:46,671
but I guess it's reassuring to know
she's taking care of my flat and dog
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00:01:46,672 --> 00:01:49,581
and all my stuff while I'm in prison.
Oh, and about
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00:01:49,582 --> 00:01:52,531
the conjugal visit you suggested--
I think you need to be married,
34
00:01:52,532 --> 00:01:55,201
- or at least going steady.
- Are you OK?
35
00:01:55,202 --> 00:01:59,191
- Are you having a heart attack?
- Huh? Yeah, no, I'm great.
36
00:01:59,192 --> 00:02:01,621
Wait, where are the exits in here?
37
00:02:01,622 --> 00:02:03,522
- Is it just those two?
- What?
38
00:02:05,142 --> 00:02:07,671
Somebody say Tony?
I swear I heard someone say Tony.
39
00:02:07,672 --> 00:02:09,831
Are you sure you're OK?
40
00:02:09,832 --> 00:02:11,848
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- OK, well let's get down to business.
41
00:02:11,871 --> 00:02:13,421
- I'm off the case.
- What?
42
00:02:13,445 --> 00:02:16,291
Sorry, Helen, but I will not
be continuing my investigations
43
00:02:16,292 --> 00:02:18,971
into the Entirely Tiles murder case.
44
00:02:18,972 --> 00:02:22,531
(EXAGGERATED TONES)
Tony Norman is no longer associated
45
00:02:22,532 --> 00:02:25,531
- with Helen Stephens and her murder.
- What are you doing?
46
00:02:25,532 --> 00:02:28,061
Is this about the money?
Because my parents
47
00:02:28,062 --> 00:02:29,723
re-mortgaged their gite to pay you.
48
00:02:29,724 --> 00:02:33,589
- It's got nothing to do with the money.
- Tony, I paid you to work on my case.
49
00:02:33,613 --> 00:02:36,329
If you're not going to get me out of here,
then I want that money back!
50
00:02:36,330 --> 00:02:39,831
Yes, and I will immediately pay back
every penny of that money
51
00:02:39,832 --> 00:02:41,891
with a simple payment plan.
52
00:02:41,892 --> 00:02:44,751
And then, by February 2016,
53
00:02:44,752 --> 00:02:47,701
we can draw a line under all of this.
54
00:02:47,702 --> 00:02:49,341
Now, if you don't mind, Helen,
55
00:02:49,342 --> 00:02:52,811
I'm washing my hands
of this whole grubby affair.
56
00:02:52,812 --> 00:02:55,531
Good day to you.
57
00:02:55,532 --> 00:02:59,791
(EXAGGERATED TONES)
And that was the last he ever saw of her.
58
00:02:59,792 --> 00:03:01,951
You wait until my parents
hear about this.
59
00:03:01,952 --> 00:03:06,753
Nobody messes
with the Stephenses-es!
60
00:03:22,482 --> 00:03:23,574
Rat.
61
00:03:25,012 --> 00:03:27,591
I was wondering
if you had any job vacancies?
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00:03:27,592 --> 00:03:29,281
All right...
63
00:03:29,282 --> 00:03:32,041
Well, then, do you have
anything reduced to clear?
64
00:03:32,042 --> 00:03:35,194
Or anything in your bins
that's still OK to eat?
65
00:03:36,592 --> 00:03:37,969
I'll show you a boob.
66
00:03:41,462 --> 00:03:43,829
You were supposed to distract him!
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00:03:46,242 --> 00:03:47,858
We need to get a job.
68
00:03:49,482 --> 00:03:52,341
Maybe think of this
as an opportunity, Helen.
69
00:03:52,342 --> 00:03:55,481
I mean, now you don't have a lawyer
or any hope of getting out,
70
00:03:55,482 --> 00:03:58,811
you can really go for it
with this whole prison thing.
71
00:03:58,812 --> 00:04:00,681
I've written a poem, actually,
72
00:04:00,682 --> 00:04:04,621
about how I see our friendship
developing over the next 12 years.
73
00:04:04,622 --> 00:04:07,114
Unless one of us gets out.
Or is sectioned.
74
00:04:08,322 --> 00:04:12,071
You killed a man.
You killed a man.
75
00:04:12,072 --> 00:04:14,791
Killed a man, killed a man.
You killed a man and...
76
00:04:14,792 --> 00:04:16,241
I didn't kill a man.
77
00:04:16,242 --> 00:04:18,261
Hang on. I hadn't got to the refrain.
78
00:04:18,262 --> 00:04:21,681
- You killed a man, and then...
- Christine, look.
79
00:04:21,682 --> 00:04:23,701
You are my best friend in here...
80
00:04:23,702 --> 00:04:24,942
'In here'?
81
00:04:26,322 --> 00:04:28,201
Oh, God, Helen.
82
00:04:28,202 --> 00:04:31,621
Never have the words 'in here'
been so cruelly used.
83
00:04:31,622 --> 00:04:33,681
No, and your friendship
is important to me
84
00:04:33,682 --> 00:04:37,991
but what is more important right now
is that I get out of here.
85
00:04:37,992 --> 00:04:40,404
I didn't kill Eric Bridges! I...
86
00:04:43,572 --> 00:04:45,821
What was that for?
87
00:04:45,822 --> 00:04:49,543
I don't even know!
But that was obviously our first fight.
88
00:04:51,772 --> 00:04:54,161
Oh, Helen!
89
00:04:54,162 --> 00:04:58,851
Try not to think of your time here
as a 12-year stretch, OK?
90
00:04:58,852 --> 00:05:02,321
Look after the days and
the sentence will look after itself.
91
00:05:02,322 --> 00:05:05,474
Think, 'What have I got
to look forward to today?'
92
00:05:07,432 --> 00:05:10,241
I'm quite looking forward
to my shower.
93
00:05:10,242 --> 00:05:12,654
I've got a new bottle of shower gel
from Big Mags
94
00:05:12,655 --> 00:05:15,459
for helping her write that
abusive letter to Vernon Kaye.
95
00:05:15,482 --> 00:05:21,161
That's it! And then there's the quiz!
There's really good prizes this year.
96
00:05:21,162 --> 00:05:23,841
Third prize is a box
of Family Circle biscuits.
97
00:05:23,842 --> 00:05:27,911
Second prize is one of those big
bottles of Tresseme hair conditioner,
98
00:05:27,912 --> 00:05:29,691
fingers crossed I get that,
99
00:05:29,692 --> 00:05:32,480
and first prize is
five years off your sentence.
100
00:05:35,552 --> 00:05:37,291
Five years off?
101
00:05:37,292 --> 00:05:39,161
Is this a misprint, Ma'am?
102
00:05:39,162 --> 00:05:43,051
Last year's first prize
was two litres of Pepsi Max.
103
00:05:43,052 --> 00:05:46,851
The ministry want us
to cut the prison population by 2%.
104
00:05:46,852 --> 00:05:49,941
Now, we could judge
each case on its merits
105
00:05:49,942 --> 00:05:53,181
but we know how bad paperwork is
for my morale.
106
00:05:53,182 --> 00:05:56,601
So I thought, why not just up the
stakes in this year's prison quiz
107
00:05:56,602 --> 00:06:00,541
and let them win their right
to freedom with trivial knowledge?
108
00:06:00,542 --> 00:06:02,831
Are you sure
you're allowed to do that?
109
00:06:02,832 --> 00:06:05,601
Ma'am knows best.
I think it's a smashing idea.
110
00:06:05,602 --> 00:06:07,851
I shall have my quizmaster suit
dry-cleaned.
111
00:06:07,852 --> 00:06:10,230
That won't be necessary, Tim.
Frank will do it this year.
112
00:06:10,253 --> 00:06:12,961
What? Why?
113
00:06:12,962 --> 00:06:15,121
Why?
114
00:06:15,122 --> 00:06:18,111
Why, why, why, why?
115
00:06:18,112 --> 00:06:20,881
Because I nut-sucking well said so!
116
00:06:20,882 --> 00:06:22,851
Five years off your sentence?
117
00:06:22,852 --> 00:06:25,991
For first prize?
If I get five years off my sentence,
118
00:06:25,992 --> 00:06:28,851
I could be out of here
by the time I'm 42.
119
00:06:28,852 --> 00:06:32,511
I could still have a family at 42,
Christine. Look at Sam Taylor-Wood!
120
00:06:32,512 --> 00:06:35,601
She had the sperms of a teenager
to work with, but still...
121
00:06:35,602 --> 00:06:37,851
Helen, forget about it.
122
00:06:37,852 --> 00:06:40,291
There are some really
clever women in here.
123
00:06:40,292 --> 00:06:43,571
Chantelle on B Wing can speak two
languages: English and Patois.
124
00:06:43,572 --> 00:06:47,971
Yeah, well, I studied Geography
at Loughborough University,
125
00:06:47,972 --> 00:06:50,246
so if you want to talk glacial moraine,
bring it on.
126
00:06:50,257 --> 00:06:51,561
Who the flop's Glacial Moraine?
127
00:06:51,582 --> 00:06:54,961
- Oh, it's a geography term for...
- Did I ask you?
128
00:06:54,962 --> 00:06:57,875
Uh... Yeah,
you did ask me, actually.
129
00:07:00,772 --> 00:07:03,681
Actually? Did you actually
think that, actually?
130
00:07:03,682 --> 00:07:05,616
Who do you actually
think you are, brainy?
131
00:07:05,617 --> 00:07:07,711
Nobody! I never said
I was anyone, did I?
132
00:07:07,712 --> 00:07:09,373
Do you know what I'm in here for?
133
00:07:09,374 --> 00:07:11,691
- Fly-tipping?
- That's right.
134
00:07:11,692 --> 00:07:15,301
But that was 14 years ago.
Do you know why I'm still in here?
135
00:07:15,302 --> 00:07:17,031
No, I don't know why you're...
136
00:07:17,032 --> 00:07:20,741
Cos I sporked someone's throat out
with one of these.
137
00:07:20,742 --> 00:07:24,111
So next time you actually think
I actually asked you a question,
138
00:07:24,112 --> 00:07:25,682
I'm going to blatantly kill you.
139
00:07:27,532 --> 00:07:29,831
Actually,
that really hurts, actually.
140
00:07:29,832 --> 00:07:33,441
And you can forget about
trying to win this quiz, right,
141
00:07:33,442 --> 00:07:35,131
cos Fatty here is on the case.
142
00:07:35,132 --> 00:07:37,851
She's going to get us
a little preview of the questions.
143
00:07:37,852 --> 00:07:40,674
Laters, bell-ends.
144
00:08:00,252 --> 00:08:02,881
What are you doing
in Mr Bridges' office?
145
00:08:02,882 --> 00:08:05,741
Um... I've...
Well, I've been promoted.
146
00:08:05,742 --> 00:08:08,311
- Who promoted you?
- I promoted myself?
147
00:08:08,312 --> 00:08:10,064
- Give me a promotion, then.
- I can't.
148
00:08:10,065 --> 00:08:12,692
I was the last of the promotions.
149
00:08:13,752 --> 00:08:16,521
I'm afraid that ship has sailed.
150
00:08:16,522 --> 00:08:20,271
- What's that on your rucksack?
- What?
151
00:08:20,272 --> 00:08:23,971
Oh, God. lt's just some... some glue
that hasn't... Don't touch it!
152
00:08:23,972 --> 00:08:26,760
- Got it on your trousers as well.
- Oh, God!
153
00:08:28,242 --> 00:08:31,860
- And there's some on the keyboard.
- What can I do for you, Mary?
154
00:08:32,922 --> 00:08:37,381
I was looking for this. I'm starting
up the lottery syndicate again.
155
00:08:37,382 --> 00:08:39,491
Really? Why?
156
00:08:39,492 --> 00:08:42,391
Our boss was murdered
in this very office, Mary.
157
00:08:42,392 --> 00:08:44,565
Lady Luck isn't exactly
smiling at us.
158
00:08:45,722 --> 00:08:47,921
And anyway,
the syndicate was Helen's thing
159
00:08:47,922 --> 00:08:51,531
- and as she's not here to do it...
- Not exactly rocket science, is it?
160
00:08:51,532 --> 00:08:54,301
If that wetwipe Stephens
can do a collection,
161
00:08:54,302 --> 00:08:57,784
I think I'm more than capable.
It's what Eric would have wanted.
162
00:08:59,412 --> 00:09:01,521
Hmm.
163
00:09:01,522 --> 00:09:05,501
Let me muse on this, Mary.
164
00:09:05,502 --> 00:09:09,531
I'm not sure that it's a good idea
and also I think...
165
00:09:09,532 --> 00:09:12,771
Hi. Um, I'm Laura Stephens.
Helen's sister.
166
00:09:12,772 --> 00:09:15,548
I was wondering
if her job was still going.
167
00:09:17,732 --> 00:09:19,814
You've got some glue on your cuff.
168
00:09:20,972 --> 00:09:22,963
What does Frank know
about quizmastery?
169
00:09:22,964 --> 00:09:26,121
It's all about suspense, theatre, drama.
You've got to be a showman.
170
00:09:26,122 --> 00:09:29,031
- I am a showman. Look.
- All right, what's the capital of Finland?
171
00:09:29,032 --> 00:09:30,560
- Greece.
- See? No panache.
172
00:09:30,572 --> 00:09:33,621
Supposed to say it like this:
'The answer is...Greece!'
173
00:09:33,622 --> 00:09:37,684
No, it's not Greece, it's Helsinki.
'The answer is...Helsinki.'
174
00:09:38,692 --> 00:09:41,184
Tim, you're off the quiz.
Frank, it's yours now.
175
00:09:46,942 --> 00:09:50,936
I'm going to close this door
and count to three.
176
00:09:51,952 --> 00:09:55,161
And when I open it again,
you had better not be there.
177
00:10:04,982 --> 00:10:07,891
We can still aim for second prize.
178
00:10:07,892 --> 00:10:11,221
I've only ever been about getting
that magnum of conditioner anyway.
179
00:10:11,222 --> 00:10:13,471
No, screw that, Christine.
180
00:10:13,472 --> 00:10:15,918
As the poster on my
dentist's ceiling used to say,
181
00:10:15,919 --> 00:10:18,111
'Pain is only temporary, but victory
182
00:10:18,112 --> 00:10:20,401
'and porcelain molar caps
are forever.'
183
00:10:20,402 --> 00:10:22,931
I want to take this all the way.
We need to win this!
184
00:10:22,932 --> 00:10:24,951
I am 100% all over that with a rash.
185
00:10:24,952 --> 00:10:27,481
I admire your U-turn.
Let's do this!
186
00:10:27,482 --> 00:10:31,371
- OK. What you swotting up on?
- Everything! Lucky dip! Test me?
187
00:10:31,372 --> 00:10:34,141
Uh... What is the capital...
188
00:10:34,142 --> 00:10:37,041
- Henry VIII!
- You need to wait until the end of the question.
189
00:10:37,042 --> 00:10:41,501
No! You don't understand, Helen.
Nobody waits. Ask me another.
190
00:10:41,502 --> 00:10:44,031
- OK, what is...
- Potassium Permanganate?
191
00:10:44,032 --> 00:10:46,091
This is going to be great.
Ask me another.
192
00:10:46,092 --> 00:10:48,504
- Hang on.
- Hello, Entirely Tiles. Can I help you?
193
00:10:48,505 --> 00:10:51,621
Hi, Can I speak to Henry Keating,
please?
194
00:10:51,622 --> 00:10:54,571
I'm afraid Mr Keating's in a meeting.
Can I take a message?
195
00:10:54,572 --> 00:10:57,111
Oh, yeah, OK.
Can you tell him that, um...
196
00:10:57,112 --> 00:11:00,151
that Helen from, uh,
prison called?
197
00:11:00,152 --> 00:11:03,391
- Certainly. Which prison shall I say?
- Laura?
198
00:11:03,392 --> 00:11:06,011
- Hi, Helen.
- What are you doing there?
199
00:11:06,012 --> 00:11:08,121
- I work here now.
- Doing what?
200
00:11:08,122 --> 00:11:11,261
Well, luckily, there was
a recent vacancy at the office
201
00:11:11,262 --> 00:11:14,681
- so it looks like I'm doing your job.
- My job? How could you do my job?
202
00:11:14,682 --> 00:11:17,261
You got fired from
a trial day at Knickerbox.
203
00:11:17,262 --> 00:11:20,401
Shut up. I'm brilliant at it.
It's taking me a while to work it all out
204
00:11:20,402 --> 00:11:23,641
but I've finally got the hang of this shredder.
Anyway, how's things?
205
00:11:23,642 --> 00:11:26,311
God, it must be nice
living in Fulham.
206
00:11:26,312 --> 00:11:28,561
I'm in a prison, Laura.
207
00:11:28,562 --> 00:11:30,811
Still, location, location, location.
208
00:11:30,812 --> 00:11:33,291
Oh, wait, here's Henry.
Henry's here.
209
00:11:33,292 --> 00:11:36,307
Henry! It's Helen! From prison!
210
00:11:37,602 --> 00:11:39,309
I'll take it in my office.
211
00:11:47,212 --> 00:11:51,951
Hello. Henry Keating,
Acting MD, Entirely Tiles.
212
00:11:51,952 --> 00:11:54,481
Hi, Henry. Listen,
I'm nearly out of credit
213
00:11:54,482 --> 00:11:57,201
but my lawyer, Tony,
is off my case now...
214
00:11:57,202 --> 00:12:00,571
- Oh, no! Poor you.
- No, no, I've decided it's a good thing.
215
00:12:00,572 --> 00:12:02,415
Really, I'm better off without him.
216
00:12:02,416 --> 00:12:04,511
He was never going to
get me out of here.
217
00:12:04,512 --> 00:12:06,101
So, you're saying
218
00:12:06,102 --> 00:12:09,621
if Tony Norman came
back on your case
219
00:12:09,622 --> 00:12:12,011
you don't think you'd
ever get out of prison?
220
00:12:12,012 --> 00:12:14,591
Exactly. I need a new lawyer.
221
00:12:14,592 --> 00:12:18,291
- I'm on it like a bonnet.
- Have you managed to find out anything
222
00:12:18,292 --> 00:12:21,291
about the address I gave you?
Mashta Fembwick...
223
00:12:21,292 --> 00:12:24,571
- it's too noisy to talk.
- Come on, Henry!
224
00:12:24,572 --> 00:12:28,091
I'll come and see you. OK?
I'll come and see you, Helen.
225
00:12:28,092 --> 00:12:30,901
Helen?
I'm going to come and see you.
226
00:12:30,902 --> 00:12:34,091
Henry, listen,
I'm nearly out of credit... D'ohhhh!
227
00:12:34,092 --> 00:12:36,431
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
228
00:12:36,432 --> 00:12:39,291
Helen!
229
00:12:39,292 --> 00:12:41,821
These are my friends
Terri, Melissa and Pamela.
230
00:12:41,822 --> 00:12:43,881
Girls, this is Helen, my bunk buddy.
231
00:12:43,882 --> 00:12:45,341
Pleased to meet you.
232
00:12:45,342 --> 00:12:49,271
- How do you know each other?
- We all went to Cambridge together.
233
00:12:49,272 --> 00:12:52,271
And Christine's on the same
toilet-cleaning rota as us.
234
00:12:52,272 --> 00:12:54,341
True story.
235
00:12:54,342 --> 00:12:55,673
Wow.
236
00:12:57,242 --> 00:13:00,051
I don't suppose you happen
to know who the fifth president
237
00:13:00,052 --> 00:13:03,534
- of the United States was?
- James Monroe, of course.
238
00:13:04,702 --> 00:13:07,899
So he probably was.
239
00:13:20,772 --> 00:13:25,041
So, how are you coping with
your sister being in prison?
240
00:13:25,042 --> 00:13:28,551
Well, I'm just trying to keep busy,
taking care of Helen's flat,
241
00:13:28,552 --> 00:13:32,121
taking care of her job
and her stuff and her friends
242
00:13:32,122 --> 00:13:34,461
and that dog rat thing.
243
00:13:34,462 --> 00:13:37,231
It's a full time job being Helen.
My life is no longer my own.
244
00:13:37,232 --> 00:13:40,551
You know if there's anything
I can do to help, anything at all,
245
00:13:40,552 --> 00:13:42,901
you sound incredibly busy,
246
00:13:42,902 --> 00:13:47,021
I'm more than happy to take some of
the strain of visiting Helen off you?
247
00:13:47,022 --> 00:13:48,521
You know, more... permanently.
248
00:13:48,522 --> 00:13:51,011
Really? I mean if you're sure.
249
00:13:51,012 --> 00:13:54,191
Because there is actually Helen's
friend Sandy's party on Wednesday,
250
00:13:54,192 --> 00:13:56,261
which I'm going to be
representing Helen at...
251
00:13:56,262 --> 00:13:58,271
It's really no problem.
252
00:13:58,272 --> 00:14:01,881
I mean, she's trapped in there,
isn't she?
253
00:14:01,882 --> 00:14:06,941
Like a little rabbit in a snare,
totally dependent on me... us!
254
00:14:06,942 --> 00:14:09,761
Just stuck, captive.
255
00:14:09,762 --> 00:14:12,026
I want to care for
that little rabbit.
256
00:14:14,022 --> 00:14:16,321
She doesn't know how
bloody lucky she is.
257
00:14:16,322 --> 00:14:19,785
Maybe in 12 years time,
if she gets out, she'll thank us.
258
00:14:19,786 --> 00:14:24,335
For she's a jolly good fellow
For she's a jolly good fellow
259
00:14:24,336 --> 00:14:27,515
For she's a jolly good fellow
260
00:14:27,516 --> 00:14:29,553
And so say all of us...
261
00:14:39,336 --> 00:14:42,475
Oh, sir, sir?
Can I give you one of these?
262
00:14:42,476 --> 00:14:46,140
Now, you'll notice I've got a van.
I'm off the case, OK?
263
00:14:48,616 --> 00:14:50,505
OK. Huddle.
264
00:14:57,706 --> 00:15:01,609
- I suppose you're wondering why I've...
- For the quiz team?
265
00:15:02,766 --> 00:15:04,427
Yeah... Can I just...?
266
00:15:06,186 --> 00:15:08,255
I think we could go
all the way in this quiz.
267
00:15:08,256 --> 00:15:13,075
We are potentially an elite
fighting force of trivia.
268
00:15:13,076 --> 00:15:15,204
- What is your specialist knowledge?
- Moraine.
269
00:15:17,156 --> 00:15:19,175
And Jennifer Aniston.
270
00:15:19,176 --> 00:15:23,485
Hey, guys! Why didn't you tell
me we were having a Quiz meeting?
271
00:15:23,486 --> 00:15:25,090
Christine, can you just...?
272
00:15:26,256 --> 00:15:27,655
Keep your voice down.
273
00:15:27,656 --> 00:15:30,285
Why would you have a
quiz meeting without me?
274
00:15:30,286 --> 00:15:32,550
- I thought we were a team, Helen.
- We are, it's just...
275
00:15:32,551 --> 00:15:35,435
If this is about me thinking Kevin
Keegan was a politician, then...
276
00:15:35,436 --> 00:15:39,985
No, it's not. It's just...
You need a specialist subject.
277
00:15:39,986 --> 00:15:41,715
I've got one. Trivia.
278
00:15:41,716 --> 00:15:44,435
You're in the team, OK?
You've made the team,
279
00:15:44,436 --> 00:15:47,625
it's just... We just need to
work out how best to use you.
280
00:15:47,626 --> 00:15:51,705
I mean, rather than you getting
bogged down answering questions
281
00:15:51,706 --> 00:15:55,545
we need some sort of maverick
to bolster the team's confidence.
282
00:15:55,546 --> 00:15:58,175
- What, like a mascot?
- Well no, not a mascot...
283
00:15:58,176 --> 00:16:02,079
That is the best idea ever!
I've wanted to be a mascot all my life!
284
00:16:03,516 --> 00:16:05,689
I'm going to go
find myself a costume!
285
00:16:18,376 --> 00:16:21,235
Oh Mary, can I put in
for the lottery syndicate?
286
00:16:21,236 --> 00:16:23,295
It's for permanent staff only.
287
00:16:23,296 --> 00:16:24,809
In that case, let me grab my tin!
288
00:16:34,546 --> 00:16:38,815
One, two, four, six, 7p.
289
00:16:38,838 --> 00:16:40,635
- You take euros, Mary?
- Mmm.
290
00:16:51,236 --> 00:16:52,775
So...
291
00:16:52,776 --> 00:16:56,345
Fatty got sprung
nicking the questions.
292
00:16:56,346 --> 00:16:58,685
Right, Plan B.
293
00:16:58,686 --> 00:17:00,529
We'll have to go legit on this.
294
00:17:00,530 --> 00:17:03,705
Put a team together,
win the old fashioned way.
295
00:17:03,706 --> 00:17:06,845
But we ain't even got enough
for a team now Fatty's in solitary.
296
00:17:06,846 --> 00:17:10,075
You got an hour to find
the smartest bitch in here,
297
00:17:10,076 --> 00:17:13,635
and sign them up to team
We Thought It Was a Disco.
298
00:17:13,636 --> 00:17:17,065
Cos if you don't, you'll all
be joining Fatty in solitary.
299
00:17:17,066 --> 00:17:19,842
- Then it won't be solitary.
- Get out!
300
00:17:22,456 --> 00:17:25,495
'Alaska became the 49th
US state in what year?'
301
00:17:25,496 --> 00:17:27,555
- Terri, E Wing.
- 1959.
302
00:17:27,556 --> 00:17:29,638
'59! Beat me to it!
303
00:17:30,796 --> 00:17:33,935
'Where would you find Harris,
Lewis and Benbecula?'
304
00:17:33,936 --> 00:17:36,275
- Melissa, E Wing.
- The Outer Hebrides.
305
00:17:36,276 --> 00:17:39,695
Hebrides! When are the
tough questions coming? Come on!
306
00:17:39,696 --> 00:17:42,985
'Who was voted the GQ Sexiest
Woman of All Time in 2011?'
307
00:17:42,986 --> 00:17:45,465
- Stevens, P Wing.
- Jennifer Aniston!
308
00:17:45,466 --> 00:17:47,295
A-agh! Yes!
309
00:17:47,296 --> 00:17:48,570
Oi, brainy!
310
00:17:50,056 --> 00:17:52,559
I want a word with you.
311
00:17:55,266 --> 00:17:57,394
Keep doing the...
312
00:17:58,446 --> 00:18:01,825
Pretty impressive answer back there.
You want to keep it up tonight.
313
00:18:01,826 --> 00:18:04,495
- Yeah, well that's the plan...
- Cos you're on Top Dog's team now.
314
00:18:04,496 --> 00:18:06,555
She wants to win this thing.
315
00:18:06,556 --> 00:18:09,555
What? No, I thought
she had another plan.
316
00:18:09,556 --> 00:18:12,325
Whatever.
We need a Plan B, brainy.
317
00:18:12,326 --> 00:18:14,155
And that Plan B is now you.
318
00:18:14,156 --> 00:18:16,875
Plan B is... Plan U?
319
00:18:16,876 --> 00:18:19,743
No. You is Plan B...
320
00:18:21,796 --> 00:18:22,934
See?
321
00:18:27,226 --> 00:18:29,126
Plan C?
322
00:18:50,996 --> 00:18:53,545
SHOUTING AND CLAPPING
323
00:18:59,386 --> 00:19:02,026
You're looking sexy, Miss!
324
00:19:04,256 --> 00:19:06,759
Try me. Cos I'm this close.
325
00:19:09,326 --> 00:19:11,755
I'm counting on you, brainy.
326
00:19:11,756 --> 00:19:13,986
If Top Dog don't get
five years off her sentence,
327
00:19:14,006 --> 00:19:16,276
you're going to wish
you never got sent to prison.
328
00:19:16,277 --> 00:19:19,328
I already wish
I never got sent to prison.
329
00:19:20,526 --> 00:19:21,812
That's right.
330
00:19:25,636 --> 00:19:29,245
Ladies and semi-ladies.
331
00:19:29,246 --> 00:19:32,195
Welcome to the
7th Annual Broadmarsh Quiz.
332
00:19:32,196 --> 00:19:35,525
CHEERING AND SHOUTING
333
00:19:35,526 --> 00:19:39,555
Let's keep it a good, clean
competition so no fag-ending,
334
00:19:39,556 --> 00:19:42,505
cheating or phlegm-based spit.
335
00:19:42,506 --> 00:19:44,055
Right.
336
00:19:44,056 --> 00:19:46,320
Question number one...
337
00:19:48,506 --> 00:19:50,634
HE SNORTS
338
00:19:52,776 --> 00:19:54,050
OK...
339
00:20:02,246 --> 00:20:03,805
Excuse me.
340
00:20:05,576 --> 00:20:07,255
What does that say?
341
00:20:07,256 --> 00:20:08,769
Bacteriologist.
342
00:20:09,836 --> 00:20:12,578
Bacteriologist...
LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
343
00:20:15,466 --> 00:20:17,995
Excuse me.
MOANS AND GROANS
344
00:20:17,996 --> 00:20:19,585
And that... and that word?
345
00:20:19,586 --> 00:20:20,995
Penicillin.
346
00:20:20,996 --> 00:20:24,785
- Penicillin. And that word there?
- It's a question mark!
347
00:20:24,786 --> 00:20:27,925
Um, you know, I can't really read.
348
00:20:27,926 --> 00:20:29,963
SHOUTING AND BANGING
349
00:21:01,956 --> 00:21:03,799
A-agh!
350
00:21:07,066 --> 00:21:09,148
Hello, Tony.
351
00:21:11,146 --> 00:21:13,865
Question number 12.
352
00:21:13,866 --> 00:21:18,225
Who is the patron saint
of laundry workers?
353
00:21:18,226 --> 00:21:21,469
That's the patron saint
of laundry workers?
354
00:21:27,086 --> 00:21:30,415
Question 13. What is a Sirocco?
355
00:21:30,416 --> 00:21:34,410
I'll say that again. A Sirocco.
356
00:21:41,706 --> 00:21:44,055
Question 14.
357
00:21:44,056 --> 00:21:48,875
Trevor Tapis killed
at least 15 victims.
358
00:21:48,876 --> 00:21:52,187
But how many of them were women?
359
00:21:53,566 --> 00:21:55,585
I could text him.
360
00:21:55,586 --> 00:21:57,315
That's...
361
00:21:57,316 --> 00:22:00,645
How many women were killed
362
00:22:00,646 --> 00:22:05,195
by the Dentist of Death,
Trevor Tapis?
363
00:22:05,196 --> 00:22:09,190
And finally, where would
one find terminal moraine?
364
00:22:10,346 --> 00:22:13,168
That's terminal moraine.
365
00:22:18,646 --> 00:22:21,695
No, stop writing, Debbie.
366
00:22:21,696 --> 00:22:24,188
You tell Top Dog we have
so flippin' won this shit!
367
00:22:24,189 --> 00:22:27,405
You know what I'm going to do
with my five years off?
368
00:22:27,406 --> 00:22:29,755
Join the Sainsbury's
management training scheme.
369
00:22:29,756 --> 00:22:33,659
Five years time, I'm going to
be managing Guildford Branch.
370
00:22:34,956 --> 00:22:37,459
CHEERING AND SHOUTING
371
00:22:41,236 --> 00:22:43,485
Lennie says,
'First Prize, here we come.'
372
00:22:43,486 --> 00:22:45,315
You're getting out of here, boss.
373
00:22:45,316 --> 00:22:49,535
Funny, innit? You haven't
left your cell in nine years
374
00:22:49,536 --> 00:22:51,125
and now you're getting out.
375
00:22:51,126 --> 00:22:56,145
Yeah, it is funny, innit, yeah.
Ha-ha-ha! I'm laughing! Ha-ha-ha!
376
00:22:56,146 --> 00:22:57,898
Ha-ha-ha... Shut up!
377
00:23:03,316 --> 00:23:05,535
BIRD TWEETS
378
00:23:08,236 --> 00:23:09,545
Shut up.
379
00:23:09,546 --> 00:23:12,405
BIRD FLIES AWAY
380
00:23:12,406 --> 00:23:16,345
- Do I know you?
- Let's just say I'm a friend of Helen Stephens.
381
00:23:16,346 --> 00:23:17,515
Oh right?
382
00:23:17,516 --> 00:23:19,416
Helen tells me you're off the case.
383
00:23:19,417 --> 00:23:21,965
- If this is about the money...
- This isn't about the money!
384
00:23:21,966 --> 00:23:23,310
I've spent it, anyway.
385
00:23:23,333 --> 00:23:25,059
Cos you're staying on the case.
386
00:23:25,083 --> 00:23:26,727
Are you threatening me
on the case?
387
00:23:26,706 --> 00:23:29,164
Because I've already been
threatened off the case.
388
00:23:29,146 --> 00:23:31,558
I'm damned if I'm going to be
threatened back on the case.
389
00:23:31,559 --> 00:23:35,045
I've been getting to know
all about you, Tony.
390
00:23:35,046 --> 00:23:36,946
It's been interesting.
391
00:23:38,286 --> 00:23:40,955
I know for example
that you're a lawyer
392
00:23:40,956 --> 00:23:44,301
with a penchant
for booze and horses.
393
00:23:45,826 --> 00:23:48,175
No? Not biting? OK.
394
00:23:48,176 --> 00:23:53,671
I also know you're a lawyer
with a penchant for your knees.
395
00:23:56,606 --> 00:24:00,125
And question number 13,
unlucky for some,
396
00:24:00,126 --> 00:24:02,935
what is a Sirocco?
397
00:24:02,936 --> 00:24:04,675
It's a wind!
398
00:24:04,676 --> 00:24:06,215
What the...?
399
00:24:06,216 --> 00:24:08,565
You said it was
a hangover cure, you dick!
400
00:24:08,566 --> 00:24:11,895
And question number 14...
401
00:24:11,896 --> 00:24:16,855
Trevor Tapis killed
at least 15 victims.
402
00:24:16,856 --> 00:24:19,485
How many of them were women?
403
00:24:19,486 --> 00:24:21,075
This was a trick question,
404
00:24:21,076 --> 00:24:27,035
because he did stab Elsa Tilson 23
times in the chest but she survived.
405
00:24:27,036 --> 00:24:30,455
So the answer is none.
406
00:24:30,456 --> 00:24:32,515
That's none women.
407
00:24:32,516 --> 00:24:34,065
Lying prick.
408
00:24:34,066 --> 00:24:38,325
And question 15, where would
one find terminal moraine?
409
00:24:38,326 --> 00:24:39,965
That's the big moraine question,
410
00:24:39,966 --> 00:24:42,125
'Where would one find
terminal moraine?'
411
00:24:42,126 --> 00:24:44,465
And the answer is...
412
00:24:44,466 --> 00:24:47,325
'In the snout of a glacier."
413
00:24:47,326 --> 00:24:49,205
Yes! Yes!
414
00:24:49,206 --> 00:24:51,265
What? That's weird.
The snout of the...
415
00:24:51,266 --> 00:24:53,325
I thought it was a glacial lake.
416
00:24:53,326 --> 00:24:56,135
That's it. We flopped it.
Did we even get one right?
417
00:24:56,136 --> 00:24:58,245
Now, before I actually
announce the winners,
418
00:24:58,246 --> 00:25:02,935
I'd like to give a special mention
to We Thought It Was a Disco,
419
00:25:02,936 --> 00:25:05,935
who not only managed to come last
420
00:25:05,936 --> 00:25:09,545
but also to score 'none points'.
421
00:25:09,546 --> 00:25:13,824
DERISIVE LAUGHTER
Bagsy not breaking this to Top Dog.
422
00:25:15,126 --> 00:25:16,575
Shut it!
423
00:25:16,576 --> 00:25:20,555
In third place with two points
it's Fo' Shizzle My Quizzle.
424
00:25:20,556 --> 00:25:23,571
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
425
00:25:26,416 --> 00:25:31,715
In second place with 13 points,
it's Quiz Team Bleakley.
426
00:25:31,716 --> 00:25:34,731
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
427
00:25:43,666 --> 00:25:48,445
But in first place
with a full 15 points...
428
00:25:48,446 --> 00:25:50,135
it's Smarty Pints.
429
00:25:50,136 --> 00:25:53,555
Congratulations, you've won
five years off your sentence,
430
00:25:53,556 --> 00:25:56,935
which may be split,
fairly or unfairly,
431
00:25:56,936 --> 00:25:59,758
amongst the team. Well done.
432
00:26:02,046 --> 00:26:04,245
Yes...
433
00:26:04,246 --> 00:26:07,385
This is great. What a buzz!
434
00:26:07,386 --> 00:26:11,745
I'm actually released next week,
but the guys here have confirmed
435
00:26:11,746 --> 00:26:15,825
that I can use this prize
in lieu of when I kill again.
436
00:26:15,826 --> 00:26:17,605
Yes! Yes!
437
00:26:17,606 --> 00:26:19,961
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
438
00:26:33,496 --> 00:26:36,355
I might have known you'd
let me down on the brains front.
439
00:26:36,356 --> 00:26:38,515
You always were a D+ kind of girl.
440
00:26:38,516 --> 00:26:40,871
It wasn't my fault.
They were relying on me too much.
441
00:26:40,856 --> 00:26:42,699
I had to answer
every single question!
442
00:26:42,700 --> 00:26:44,795
How many'd you get right?
443
00:26:44,796 --> 00:26:48,405
None, but if some of the others
had even answered some of them
444
00:26:48,406 --> 00:26:49,874
there would have been a lot more.
445
00:26:49,875 --> 00:26:51,965
Slasher doesn't even know
how to use a pencil!
446
00:26:51,966 --> 00:26:54,405
- Except as a weapon.
- R-rr!
447
00:26:54,406 --> 00:26:55,945
Hey! Shut it!
448
00:26:55,946 --> 00:26:59,555
I've had just about enough of you.
All of you.
449
00:26:59,556 --> 00:27:01,385
I ask you one simple thing.
450
00:27:01,386 --> 00:27:05,465
Win me five years off my sentence
in a general knowledge quiz.
451
00:27:05,466 --> 00:27:07,127
And can any of you do that?
452
00:27:08,136 --> 00:27:12,545
I need to think this through.
Slasher, get my Dolphin CD.
453
00:27:12,546 --> 00:27:15,095
The rest of you, get out.
454
00:27:35,976 --> 00:27:38,835
BIRD TWEETS
455
00:27:38,836 --> 00:27:41,135
Dear Maurice,
thank you for your postcard.
456
00:27:41,136 --> 00:27:43,855
And especially thank you
for your latest drawing.
457
00:27:43,856 --> 00:27:46,995
You captured a good likeness
of what I'd look like bending over.
458
00:27:46,996 --> 00:27:51,025
Next time I'd love to see how
good you are at drawing trousers.
459
00:27:51,026 --> 00:27:52,525
I can't bear to think about
460
00:27:52,526 --> 00:27:54,865
everything I'm missing
on the outside world.
461
00:27:54,866 --> 00:27:56,645
Shortly after I was sentenced,
462
00:27:56,646 --> 00:27:58,895
a new Haagen Daz
opened on my high street.
463
00:27:58,896 --> 00:28:01,475
Will it still be there on my release?
464
00:28:01,476 --> 00:28:04,525
12 years is a long time
in the luxury ice cream trade.
465
00:28:04,526 --> 00:28:08,225
I've begun to think
my only hope is Henry Keating.
466
00:28:08,226 --> 00:28:09,965
I pray he can help me.
467
00:28:09,966 --> 00:28:13,072
I'll get to the
bottom of this, Bridges.
468
00:28:18,636 --> 00:28:20,434
What did you see that night?
469
00:28:21,726 --> 00:28:24,305
Oh, if only African
butterfly fish could talk.
470
00:28:24,306 --> 00:28:25,876
What the hell are you doing?
471
00:28:32,226 --> 00:28:33,495
Mrs Bridges!
472
00:28:33,496 --> 00:28:36,445
Yeah, that's right.
473
00:28:36,446 --> 00:28:39,856
Now what's all this I hear about
you visiting my husband's killer?
474
00:28:39,880 --> 00:28:42,310
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