All language subtitles for Crowded s01e09 Unemployable.eng

(upbeat rock music)

I need to get ready for
work! Mike, I have a client!

She runs, knowing I will pursue.

Come on! Stop Pep? Le Pew-ing me.

Your protests fall on deaf
ears, my little Georgia peach.

Oh, hey.

- Who's Pep? Le Pew?
- He's an amorous, French cartoon skunk.

It was so funny. Every
episode a female cat

would get a white stripe down its back

and Pep? would think
it was a girl skunk,

and he'd chase her and
hold her down and kiss her.

Sounds like a date rapist.

It wasn't really a date.

So he's just a regular rapist.

You girls and your whole generation
are so politically correct.

In my day, a cartoon skunk would rape a
cat, and you'd just laugh your head off.

In your day, cartoons were racist.

Those crows in "Dumbo," that
Mexican mouse Speedy Gonzales.

What's wrong with Speedy Gonzales?
He was faster than everybody else.

You know, they have an
extra muscle in their legs.

- (both) Grandpa!
- Bob!

I'm talking about the
mice, not the Mexicans.

I'd hate to see what cartoons
are gonna be like in ten years.

I'd hate to see what
you'll be like in ten years.

Don't worry, I'll be good and dead.

Well, it's important to have goals, Dad.

Bob, these days people
are living a lot longer.

Yeah, but at what quality of life?

As soon as I start declining I want
someone to shoot me in the head.

Not me. I want to be kept
alive by any means necessary.

As long as I can watch
football and eat chocolate,

hook me up to every machine they've got.

Mike, when the time comes to shoot
me in the head, I'd like you to do it.

Well, this is a different
kind of father-son moment.

I knew you wouldn't do it.

I didn't say that.

Well, in ten years I want to
be doing a lot of traveling.

Wouldn't you love to go to Paris?

And get raped by a skunk?

As fun as all this
rape and death talk is,

I'd like to introduce a new topic.

I've applied for an internship

at the University of
Washington's astrophysics lab.

- That's great, Shea!
- Wow, good luck, sweetie.

But in the meantime, to
contribute rent money,

I've taken an entry-level
job at Already Ready Burger.

Hey, isn't that the place
where the burgers are...

Already ready. Yes.

Their slogan is, "It was
fresh when we made it."

Well, I've also found a
way to make money for rent.

You know that show I do on the Internet?

I've figured out a way to
monetize my online persona.

That means money-ize it.

I know. I thought it was a typo too.

Something weird is
happening. I feel good,

and I have a satisfied sense
of attachment to my daughters.

- Is it pride?
- My God. I think it could be.

Okay, guys, it's me, Stella.

We've got a great show today,

- and don't worry, I will be reading
- _

- more from my Taylor Swift-Katy Perry
- _

- fan fiction. #Drama.
- _

- (cash register bell dings)
- _

- Oh, our new money-izing feature.
- _

- That sound means that somebody just
- _

- bought a private, one-on-one chat.
- _

- Back in 15, guys.
- _

Hi, T-Dawg25.

Thank you for your contribution.

So tell me what you're into.

(upbeat rock music)

Sync & corrections by PetaG
www.addic7ed.com

_

Okay, what if you
don't have arms or legs?

Chocolate. Football.

This is all I need.

But then I'll be married to an armless,
legless woman. People will talk.

Ethan, you'd shoot me
if I asked you to, right?

- I'd try, but you know, the yips.
- Ah.

That's okay, son. Just knowing that
you're willing is enough for me.

Oh, my God! What smells
like rancid hamburger?

That would be me.

- Hello, all.
- Hm.

I would like your strongest Chardonnay,

and keep them coming. Up to two.

Wait, does that badge
say "Shift Supervisor"?

It does. I identified a few strategies
to streamline burger assembly,

so they promoted me.

Oh! See, Ethan? Look at Shea.

I am looking at Shea.

Only because we all are.

While she's waiting
for the job she wants,

she's taking the job she needs.

Alice, he's already got a job.

He's helping us in the bar until
he gets back on the golf tour.

If you're interested,
as shift supervisor,

I can offer you a position
on our french fry team.

Wow, going from a professional
golfer to a french fry cook.

That's a pretty steep drop-off.

On the plus side, I'd
be making an income.

On the minus side, those fries
would be salted with my tears.

The company expects that.

Most of the employee orientation
is about where it's okay to cry.

Look, Ethan, you're gonna get
back on the golf tour in no time.

You don't have to take some
lousy job at a fast-food joint.

No offense, Shea.

It's hard to be offended when
you're dressed like Aladdin's monkey.

Rent money, booyah!

Booyah squared!

Actually, it's booyah plus
booyah, not booyah times itself,

but I thought the brevity
added to the humor.

Which it almost did.

Well, how much is that?

- $60.
- Plus my $62.

Well, better not keep
my audience waiting.

And since I'm the only
employee at Already Ready Burger

to show up for three consecutive shifts,

I've been promoted to assistant manager.

I spent my day putting out fires,

and when I wasn't doing
that, I was solving problems.

Well, it's no surprise you're doing
great. You went to MIT after all.

You must stand out.

Actually, I'm not even
the only PhD there.

Most of them live
with their parents too.

We're all overqualified,

except Rudy the Already
Ready Burger clown.

He's exactly where he should be.

Well, get a load of that. Rent money.

Oh, it's nice to know
we're not the only parents

with overeducated, underemployed kids.

We spent hundreds of
thousands of dollars on their

college educations,
and now we have, ah...

122 back.

Now, off to the right you'll see
Seattle's famous Space Needle.

It was constructed in 1961

and opened to the public in 1962.

We have bigger in Russia.

Just show us where Frasier live.

Not a real person.

But on show there is a
picture. That's a real building.

Show us building.

That one.

I bet that's where Eddie and Frasier

make the tossed salads
and the egg scrambles.

(chuckles)

Is that your family?

That's my wife and daughters.

[quietly speaking Russian]

[speaking Russian] Stella.

You guys know Stella?

We, er, see her on the online.

Really?

Wow. I guess her Internet
stuff's actually taking off.

And you know about this?

Oh yeah, if my daughter's
making a buck, we're all for it.

You are a better man than me.

If my daughter show breasts on Interweb

- for money...
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Are you telling me my daughter's
taking her top off on the Internet?

Yes. Top, bottom, middle.

Oh, God.

_

_

_

- Well, I think Stella...
- Not yet.

- I mean, maybe she's...
- Still not ready.

_

Now?

- Okay.
- Okay.

I think this is one of
those parenting moments

where we each say what
we think we should do

and then respect what the
other one's opinion is.

Sure.

I think we should talk to her
and let it be her decision.

I think that's [bleep] crazy.

We obviously have to lock
her in a tower like Rapunzel,

but unlike that dumb
witch, we shave her head.

We said she was our adult roommate.

If she wants to do this, she can.

The only tool in our
arsenal is kicking her out.

I think it's the perfect
tool for this situation.

But then she'll be out in the world,

still doing this webcam thing, and we
won't be able to keep an eye on her.

- No control.
- I like control.

Control's my thing.

I think what we should do is talk to
her about this calmly and rationally.

Good idea. Stella, get in here!

Hey.

We're gonna be okay.

We got through that day in high school
we found out she was on birth control.

The day the music died.

What's up?

Your father and I have
some questions for you.

Okay, shoot.

You're killing me.

That's not a question.

Why are you killing me?

I don't know why you guys
are freaking out so much.

It's legal entertainment.

It's like being naked
in a play or a movie.

I'm playing a part.

Yeah, you're playing the role
of "girl destroying father."

But I'm an adult.

Martina, do something, your
therapy thing. Hypnotize her.

Do you have any idea what I do?

Actually, Mom, I'm
basically doing what you do.

A lot my fans just want
to talk, like therapy.

What I do, Stella, is quite different.

I listen to their problems.
I make them feel better,

and they leave with a
sense of calm and release.

I hear it now,

and it sounds very
similar, but it's not.

Hi, Shea, you're off to work, honey?

No, actually.

I'm on my way to the
Already Ready Burger

corporate offices to
powwow with the big boys.

I guess I'll find out if I'm
"already ready" for another promotion.

I am.

Wow! Stella, why can't you
be more like your sister?

Mike, we agreed never to compare them.

But she's so obviously the good one.

- Hey, how much do you make?
- $20 an hour.

See, Dad? I make $4 a minute,

which for an hour is like...

This could be a while. Shea, you can go.

Look, Stella, we want to
respect your decisions,

but we also want you
to think things through.

Your body, these levels of intimacy

are something you should
share with someone you love.

Sharing it with some
stranger who's paying you

may seem okay in the moment,
but in time, you may find

you're giving up more than you know,

and it'll affect your
sense of self, your worth,

and your future real
relationships with men.

Wow, Mom. You're good.

That's what I do.

So you'll stop?

Look, I hear what you're saying,

but I'm not doing anything
I'm uncomfortable with.

I love you both, but I can handle this.

240!

I just figured it out. That's
how much I make an hour.

See? It's improving my math skills too.

Did you finish filling
out your end-of-life forms?

"If I am no longer able to
say, 'shoot me', shoot me."

Come on, Bob. Stop
telling me to shoot you.

Aside from being truly
upsetting, it's a crime.

Don't worry. I've got it covered.

I've got a spare gun in the garage
in a box labeled "spare gun."

Now, wear some gloves, do the deed,

then scrape off the
serial number with a file.

- Bob.
- Shh.

Look. At the same time, have
somebody who looks like you...

er, maybe your sister,
she's never busy...

have her drive your
car down the highway,

past the cameras, to give you an alibi.

Then toss the gun in the Duwamish River.

I can't listen to this anymore.

Hey, now, wait! This is
the most important part!

If that gun is recovered,
call Joey in the evidence room

and say, "ginger snaps."
He'll know what to do.

She's going down for this.

And this is my new office. It's crazy.

One day I'm selling burgers,

the next they call me in for a
meeting and now I'm working corporate.

I made a joke about using
the remains of ketchup packets

to make tomato soup, and
now it's our big Q4 launch.

Anyway, long story short,

you need a job, and I need
an assistant. You interested?

Well, it would be the two
of us working together.

Although you would be under me.

That sounds like an exciting position.

"'We may have had our
differences, Taylor,' said Katy,

'but we'll always have
one friend in common.

- Music.'"
- _

_

- It's just a lot, guys.
- _

- (cash register bell dings)
- _

Oh, some lucky dude, FlyGuy2020,
just bought a private chat.

I'll see you guys in a bit.

_

Dad?

The name's FlyGuy2020.

- Dad, you are so invading my
- _

- privacy right now!
- _

Too bad. From now on I'm gonna
be on your webcam all the time.

And you'll never know when I'm
here or when I'm watching you.

- But then I won't even be able to...
- Exactly.

Ugh! That is so unfair.

You can't tell me what
to do. I'm an adult.

Well, I'm an adult, and you
can't tell me what to do.

Too-chay, Dad, too-chay.

It's "touch?."

Yeah, it's always to
Shea, never to Stella.

But fine, I can wait you out.

You go to bed hella early.

But I don't.

Mom?

Stella, we don't care if
you do some stupid stuff,

but some stupid things have consequences

farther into the future than others.

But that's the future.

That's just a bunch of stuff
that hasn't happened yet.

Plus, look at Kim
Kardashian and Paris Hilton.

They made tons of cash
getting naked on camera.

They did that after they were famous.

You're just some anonymous girl.

You know what? Maybe you guys are right.

I need to get famous first,

then do something like
this and really make money.

Exactly. Wait until
you're very, very famous.

Okay. I'll wait.

I mean, I was having
second thoughts anyway.

I'd hate for taking off my clothes
for a bunch of guys to feel like work.

That would be a shame.

Thanks so much for caring
about me and my future.

I love you guys.

Oh, and that'll be $59.99.

But don't worry, I already
have your credit card info.

That was some good parenting.

Was it? I mean, either she's successful,

moves out of the house,
and does a sex tape,

or she's not successful,
never does a sex tape,

but never leaves the
house. Either way, we lose.

(phone rings)

It's from the good one.

I told you not to say that.

Well, she wants us to come to her
office to celebrate another promotion.

(gasps) Wow! She is the good one.

This is a nice place. I guess
the burger business is boomin'.

Well, there's a lot of money to
be made in good old American beef.

If liberals find a way to
ruin hamburgers, shoot me.

Put that on my list.

You know, Bob, I've been thinking,

and if it's truly what you
want me to do, I'll do it.

I'll shoot you.

- You'd do that for me?
- Yeah.

I'll file away the serial number,
set my sister up, the whole plan.

Well, I can't abandon a woman
who's willing to shoot me.

The only reason I did
this in the first place

was because I don't want
to be a burden to you.

(Clicks tongue) Oh, Bob.

You're already a burden to me.

But I love that burden, and I
want to carry it as long as I can.

I'm gonna make sure of it.

Nice ending to a weird story.

Who am I talking to?

Jerry Stevens, Stevens Meats.

Three kids, cabin on Lake
Okoboji, big Warriors fan.

Jerry, my man. How about those Warriors?

Okay, listen, about this price
rise on your sausage patties,

I get it, but, Jerry, at
least take me to dinner

before you [bleep] me, am I right?

Seriously, though, fix this or I'll
bitch slap you in front of your family.

Love to the kids, by the way.

- Wow. That was impressive.
- Maybe even a little scary.

Ah, tell us about this new promotion.

Ethan, hit them with it.

Shea had a meeting with
the big boys upstairs.

She's now Junior VP in charge of all

- breakfast meats.
- (all) Ooh.

And they said five years from now,

she could be in charge of
the whole western region.

- Ooh.
- That's great.

I thought we could all celebrate.

I mean, it's 5 o'clock
somewhere, am I right?

I wouldn't mind wetting my beak.

(phone chimes)

- Oh, my gosh.
- What is it?

It's an email from the astrophysics lab.

I got the internship!

I'm gonna be studying the
origins of the universe.

- Aww!
- Oh, that's great!

But I have to say no, right?

I mean, it's a three-year
commitment with no pay,

and this, I mean, this
could be the western region.

Even though it's not my dream,
maybe it's where I'm meant to be.

Honey, I think you should
take the internship.

Your mother's right. I usually
scoff at dream-followin', but, er...

you've got a dream worth followin'.

We both do. Right, Mom and Dad?

Sure.

I'll do it. I'm gonna take it.

Oh, my God. I can't believe I was this
close to spending the rest of my life

talking about tomato to lettuce ratios.

It should be two to one,
but they just don't get it!

Sorry, not my problem anymore.

I guess I won't need
an assistant anymore,

but following me around couldn't
have been your dream either, Ethan.

No...

of course not.

But it did feel nice being
good at something again.

You'll find something else.

I'll keep looking.

Both our girls were making
money, but, ah... we stopped that.

(phone rings)

It's Jerry again. I got to take this.

Talk to me, Jerry.

Yes, 229 we can deal with.

You're the man, Jerry. You are the man.

What a pussy.

Sync & corrections by PetaG
www.addic7ed.com

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