Original subtitles

Hi I'm Chuck.

Here are a few things that you might need to know.

You need to learn there are repercussions for your actions.

So, you're under arrest.

- For what? - Attempted homicide.

John Casey, you're under arrest for murder.

How are you holding up?

Well, the government I proudly served for 20 years

has locked me up with the scum of the earth.

I'm great.

Hold out your hand.

What is that?

We have a plan

to get you out of here. - Just take it, okay?

Do you have any idea how hard it is

to shrink blueprints down to this size?

The guy at Kinkos thought I was crazy.

Put that away. I am not breaking out of prison.

Casey, there is a very strong case against you.

Escape might be your only option to get your life back.

If I break out of prison, I'm a fugitive.

I don't run from the law. I am the law!

Now, Decker has me in here for a reason.

I'm gonna sit tight, keep my head down,

you figure out what his angle is, okay?

Fine.

You gonna be okay in here?

Yeah... if that one doesn't drive me insane.

Okay, I admit it,

I tried to poison you to keep you subordinate.

What is the big deal?

I could have died.

But you didn't!

All right, look,

recently I put some people that I care about through a...

through some rough times.

That's the thing: true friendship is,

uh, it's confusing, isn't it?

Mm. Look, guys, please, just, ah, tell me what I have to do

to get out of this place.

It's so simple. Okay, Jeff has agreed

to drop all charges under one condition.

Okay.

You promise not to poison him anymore.

Yeah, I'm sorry, I can't promise that.

Wake up, man! You are gonna get yourself killed in this...!

You know what? It doesn't matter. I don't care, all right?

Good luck in prison. You know what?

No, good luck to you both finding a better Indian guy

in your life or at the Buy More!

I will see you both in hell!

Which is just what I call "visiting hours."

John, let's go back inside, bench press some poundage.

I'm gonna look like a Hindu Michelangelo

by the time I get out of here.

Why, you... John, move!

I told him I was in here for parking tickets.

It takes every fiber of my body not to drop that barbell

right on his throat.

Visiting hours are now over.

I gotta get back in there.

Check into Decker, but be careful.

He's capable of anything.

Thank you.

I can't help feeling like Casey going

to prison is all my fault.

What? Why would you say that?

'Cause I'm the genius who started the private spy company

and convinced you both to work with me.

Chuck, that's not true.

Decker wanted Casey in jail no matter what.

I mean, whether we worked for ourselves or the CIA,

it doesn't really matter.

And I'm not just saying that to make you feel better.

Well, maybe a little.

Thank you.

Chuck, you've got...

Sarah, you got a...

Oh, no.

Sorry for the theatrics getting you here.

Sometimes it's just more fun

to knock somebody out and toss them in a van.

Why'd you bring us here?

I need you to do a job for me.

You throw our partner in jail

and now you want a favor from us?

In exchange, I will make all of his charges disappear.

Think of Mr. Casey as a giant slab of leverage.

We all know that stubborn bastard will rot in prison

unless I say otherwise.

You have the entire CIA under your thumb. Why us?

This mission involves some

extremely dangerous technological terrorism.

Sure, I have agents who can write code,

but none who can do it as well as you can

and handle themselves in the field.

There's no room for error here.

We need you.

Okay, we're listening.

We've been tracking a computer supervirus named the "Omen."

Tech has only able to uncover bits and pieces,

but they assured me they've never seen anything like it:

metamorphic code capable of erasing

100 zettabytes of data per second.

What does any of that mean?

It means that this virus could essentially wipe out

every database in the world in, oh, five seconds.

And just as we were zeroing in on its origin,

all signs of it disappeared. That's why I need you.

Locate the Omen, bring it back to me, Mr. Casey goes free.

And what if we say no?

I have men on the inside

who can make your friend's life a living hell.

Though, to be honest,

I imagine hell will have no trouble finding him in there.

No fights. Keep your nose clean.

Harder than I thought.

What do you think you're doing, inmate?!

Sorry if I got too physical.

It's the uniform.

Don't apologize. I actually enjoyed it.

Thought you would.

Look, I'm glad you came to see me.

I have something to discuss with you.

Uh-uh! I'm all for business,

but first, wouldn't you like

to take advantage of your state-given right?

What right is that?

A conjugal visit.

I would very much like to take advantage of that right.

I thought you might.

♪ Chuck 5x05 ♪ Chuck Versus the Hack Off Original Air Date on December 9, 2011

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

♪ Na-na na-na na-na ♪

♪ Na-na na-na na-na ♪

♪ Na-na na-na na-na ♪

♪ Na-na na-na na-na ♪

♪ Na-na na-na na-na ♪

♪ Na-na na-na na-na ♪

I'm assuming you don't want to stay over.

Maybe next time.

What's on your mind?

Listen, Bartowski and Walker are damn good spies,

but I don't like that they're down a man,

especially if Decker is up to something.

So you want me my team to track them?

Make sure they're safe?

Not your team, you.

I figured you could take my place.

Right, I'm gonna take orders from Ward and June Cleaver.

It was just a suggestion.

Well, stop making suggestions.

Okay. I'm done.

It is hard to say no to you.

I know.

I hate this.

I mean, do you remember why we started

Carmichael Industries to begin with?

Corporate discount on the pinball machine, right?

Ha. We did it to gain independence.

And where are we now? Beholden to Decker,

the exact type of person

we said we'd never deal with again.

Stop it.

You know we're doing this to find Casey.

I know, I know.

All right, let's find us a virus, shall we?

Uh, what is happening?

Is that, is that chardonnay?

I haven't seen this in a long time.

We used to call this routine "The Routine."

That's very creative.

Yeah.

Yeah, Chuck has quite a reputation

as a hacker, you know?

They used to call him "The Piranha."

Swordfish, right?

The movie is based on him. He doesn't like

to talk about it 'cause he doesn't think it was a A-plus film.

Why? I thought it was pretty good.

Yeah, it's okay, but it had a lot of plot holes

and those hacker scenes were just, like...

Someone coded the name into the Telix-script!

A little inside joke for anyone running viral countermeasures.

When The Piranha got really into a coding session,

he could get a bit giddy.

Yeah, it's kind of cute.

Yeah, it's also super nerdy.

It's definitely that, too.

Got it! The name was encrypted.

So I ran an elliptic curve algorithm to find the key.

And of course after that, it was cake.

Well, hello, Colin Davis-- the man behind the Omen virus.

Coming your way in three, two, one.

Guy was a head programmer at The Collective;

a rogue group of technological terrorists who sold viruses

to the highest bidder.

Three months ago, he disappeared with the key to the virus.

Drop off the grid crazy-guy style. I like that.

Well, Mr. Colin Davis, let's see

if you left us any clues as to where you went.

Mm-hmm. Shoot. I promised Jeff that I was gonna help him

with this whole Lester thing.

All right, guys, you'll be okay here.

Oh, make sure that he eats.

When he gets all plugged in,

he goes overboard with the chardonnay.

Calls it his

"thinking juice."

Ah? Ah.

Thanks, buddy! Love you!

How's the brain, Mr. Grimes?

It's, uh, it's okay, Thanks.

Casey sent me to help with this Decker situation.

So, if you'll be so kind as to take me to the newlyweds.

I can't, I can't bring guests down to Castle.

Are you really gonna make me use this?

You'd shoot me?

I'd beat you over the head with it.

Well, this is Davis's last known location.

He must have brought the virus here.

Some kind of encampment behind this barrier.

It looks like some sort of separatist compound.

There could be a militia training back there.

Mm, Casey would have loved this mission.

And you're aware that you're going

to get yourselves killed without Casey?

I decided to let her in after we had an adult conversation.

What are you doing here, Verbanski?

Ease up, I'm not here to steal any of your "precious secrets."

I'm here because I'm going on this mission with you.

Oh, is that right?

Look, we both want Casey out of jail.

You want your partner back and I...

I-I hate to see the competition struggle like this.

As far as I can tell, you need a sniper on this mission.

I've done some pretty amazing

sniper work on Call of Duty.

I believe I've made my point.

Well, the sniper rifles are behind you in the armory.

I'll bring my own.

Things can get really nasty really fast,

if you're not running with the crowd in here.

Is that a fact?

You know, you look like you can use some friends.

And we could use some muscle like you in the yard.

I'll expect your answer tonight.

Dude, this place is no joke.

Especially for a guy with unpaid parking tickets.

What do you want?

Look, I've seen Caged Heat.

I know how to survive in prison.

You gotta be the shot-caller,

and I think I've figured out a way to do that.

You know, Caged Heat was a women's prison movie.

Well, the lessons remain the same, John.

Hey, homes.

Got that 12-gauge you wanted, man.

Word.

Drop it in my cell. Done.

All right. Easier than I thought.

That sounds like some kind of military drill.

I'll look for cover. Get ready for action.

Okay, this is definitely not a militia...

Sarah, Sarah, I think we walked into a cult.

Way ahead of you. Strip. Now.

What-What-What-What? What are you doing?

What are you doing? Joining a cult.

Strip. Come on.

Now keep a close eye. I really have

no place to hide a gun.

Not too close an eye, though.

I'm serious, for real, no looking, thank you.

Calm down. No one's looking at anything.

Not much to look at, anyway.

That is not fair.

I have nothing to be ashamed of.

Children...

are you lost?

Can I help the new arrivals find their way?

Uh, we were told to come here to seek enlightenment.

Then enlightenment you shall find.

Please... help yourself to some robes.

Welcome...

to the Church of the Eternal Wind.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

We'll just...

We have uninvited guests.

Find out who they are.

We have a situation.

It's a little... little chilly under here.

These are very short robes, huh?

Well, the church believes that the spirit

enters from underneath.

Well, that's a totally natural entry point.

Uh, that's an interesting pendant.

I imagine it has some kind of significance for you?

All members of the church wear a pendant

to remind them of their past lives.

I worked on Wall Street, lived the fast life.

Till I came here.

Not looking for a life story here.

Figure out where Davis is, locate the virus.

My patience is wearing thin.

You know, my wife and I were looking for an escape

from our everyday chaos,

and then our friend Colin Davis recommended we come

and check out your church here.

Oh, Colin-- what a caring man.

Now we call him Moon Meadow.

That's his wind name.

Uh, do you know where we could find Moon Meadow?

We'd love to see him.

Mm.

I believe he's leading a drum circle, in the garden.

It's mostly free-form, experimental drumming.

There'll definitely be some jamming as well.

Sounds like fun.

Yeah! Let's go check it out. Okay.

Hey. How you holding up, man?

I didn't think it would

be this hard without Lester around.

I'm starting to forget him.

I can't even picture what Lester looks like anymore.

Close your eyes.

Imagine David Beckham.

Lester's a shorter, feminine version of his wife.

Right. I can see him now.

Yeah.

Look, when I went through my dark period,

I alienated a lot of friends.

But thankfully, for me, I was able to realize

what I was about to lose, before it was too late.

We just have to make sure he knows

what's slipping away here.

I totally get it.

This reminds me of the time

my dad tried to win back my mom

when he heard she was having sex with Uncle Steve.

They ended up as a threesome.

I had a messed-up childhood.

Yeah, you did.

But, you know what?

It actually gives me a great idea

how to handle Lester.

It's not a threesome.

These people dropped everything and came here.

- Can you imagine? - Yeah, it's crazy.

I mean, I don't know what I'd do if I left the spy life.

Sometimes I'm so caught up in it,

I can't think of a world outside of it.

Well, you're really good at computers, Chuck.

I mean, you love them.

Yeah... maybe.

I got eyes on Davis.

I'm in position

to shoot any and all of these filthy hippies.

It's almost like Casey never left.

Okay, stay focused.

This is over as soon as we find the virus.

So let's just get in and get out.

I found their clothes.

And these were with them.

Chuck, Casey needs us.

Wrap up the Phish concert, make a move.

All right!

You got some skills.

As do you, my friend.

All right.

So, uh, you worked in tech, huh?

Oh... a lifetime ago.

And this-- this would've been my crowning achievement.

Till I walked away.

You know, I used to work in computers, as well.

You mind if I take a look at that?

Oh, no, no, I couldn't.

It's against church policy to ever remove your pendant.

But I do take it off twice a month, when I shower.

Ah!

Intruders! We have intruders!

♪ ♪

We've been made.

You get the chip, I'll take care of the guards.

♪ ♪

After her-- go, go, go!

Hey, stop!

Leave me alone! Colin!

Colin, I'm trying to help you! God help me!

Stop!

Too much tree cover.

I don't have a shot.

I'm coming down.

Get away!

Go away!

I don't like this!

♪ ♪

Some of our members have a checkered past.

They pay a lot of money for enlightenment,

as well as protection.

Looks like you walked into the wrong cult, bitch.

Colin!

Oh...!

It's okay...

I vowed never to let anybody have this virus,

no matter what I had to do.

Davis...

No, no, stop!

Come on!

Come on!

♪ ♪

Come on! Get it out of there!

Give me the chip! Give me the chip!

Davis? Davis?

Where's the chip?

I hid it.

Inside him.

So he swallowed it.

Yes, he did.

Hey! Honey!

Hey, you all right?

Yeah. Never better. Good. I need your help.

Davis swallowed the chip.

We gotta get him out of here now.

Okay, let's cover up his-- guys, can we find him some pants?

Decision time.

You gonna join us?

Not interested.

Thought you might say that.

Hey!

Hey!

You touch one hair on his head,

and I will pull your plug.

Mark my words, son.

Step back or your nights will get real long.

Real long.

Step back!

What the hell?

I told you,

I figured out a way to become the shot caller in here.

Now, any of these people get out of line,

I will pull their plugs.

Literally, I'll pull their plugs.

I've been using my Buy More skills

to set up cable and Internet for the inmates.

Of course you have.

In fact, I just got a shipment of 12-gauge electrical wire

that is making installations a snap.

Now these monsters are petrified

'cause I can take their tech away at any moment.

That sounds like a good plan.

I know.

All right, I'll see you in the yard.

Please let me go. This is a mistake.

Look, um, I promise you we're not gonna hurt you.

We just need to wait for the chip to...

you know, complete its journey, and then you can go free.

No, you don't understand.

The virus is too dangerous to be released into the world.

It could wipe out everything.

I knew I should've destroyed it, but...

it was my finest work.

You know, I just... couldn't.

Hey, uh...

I understand.

It's just, I tried to get out of that life, you know,

and now it's sucking me back in.

It's like I'm trying to outrun something

I shouldn't have done in the first place.

I get it, Colin.

Believe me, I do.

And I assure you, we're the good guys here.

I hope to God you're telling me the truth.

There are two parts to the virus:

a chip and a distribution device--

it's like a modded USB drive.

You insert the chip into the device,

and the virus can be uploaded...

to any system.

I'm hoping you didn't swallow the device, as well.

No, it's still locked up at The Collective,

my former employer.

Right. Right, right, right.

Uh, so-so what you're saying then is we just need to

sneak past a few hackers and get the device back?

No, it's not that easy.

There are some extremely dangerous people

selling these viruses.

Can you help us get in?

Best I can do is access the schematics of the building,

show you where they're storing the device.

Okay, great. That's a great start.

Thank you. I'll go grab a computer.

Listen, is there anything I can get you while I'm up?

Our kitchen's fully stocked.

Sandwich? Nachos?

We have some of those gourmet jellybeans.

You have the kind that tastes like buttered popcorn?

I think I can make that happen.

A snack?

Casey's in lockdown,

and this jerk wants jellybeans?

We should just cut him open and get that chip out right now.

You know, I know that we're not partners or friends

or anything like that, but are you okay?

You seem to be on edge ever since

we started the mission. I'm fine.

Really? 'Cause we can talk about it if you want.

No, no, no, no.

We-We don't talk, okay?

I'm-I'm just off.

Stop trying to be my shrink.

Okay.

Is it, um... about Casey?

I just noticed that you have some emotions for him.

Can we stop with this garbage and just get to work?

You know, you can still have feelings for somebody

and still be a good spy.

Oh, and be like you and Mr. Hospitality?

That's my fate?

No.

No, no, no.

So I've been noticing Lester popping up online

about the same time every day.

Fancy prison.

Yeah, right.

So, look, we initiate a chat,

and then we begin Operation: Scare Lester Straight.

Ready?

Hello, friends.

Guess you couldn't live without me, huh?

Hey, listen, I'm sorry to tell you this,

but, uh, we've been interviewing people

to fill your spot at the Buy More.

Oh, come on. Right.

What, are you gonna just-just replace me?

Actually, he just showed up.

Who is this fool?

This is our new Nerd Herder, Vali Chandrasekaren.

Oh, come on!

That is a pretty stupid name.

Where are you from, Mr. Fake Name?

Look at my face.

You can't tell I'm from Montreal, like all true Hinjews?

Oh, no, you did not.

I did. And I am.

Listen, I just wanted to say thanks

for giving up your spot at the Buy More.

Some great people here.

I'm excited to start getting to know everybody.

Lester, you should hear this guy's singing voice.

Like an angel.

Come on.

It really is though.

♪ O Canada ♪

That's just a little bit, you know.

My word.

You know, many people say it's the type of voice

that would go perfectly with a-- I don't know-- keytar.

May I have a moment alone with Jeffrey, please?

Of course. Sure, sure.

Well done, well done.

Yeah, yeah, perfect. You nailed it.

Your voice-- wow, you really underplayed it.

- No, it's fine. - Yeah.

You earned this.

Okay, this one's just Wi-Fi.

You know, the Indian Modeling Agency, they said that

you'd give me one of the good ones if I helped you out, so...

You know this comes out of my salary.

Don't care one bit.

Jackpot!

Who's the new guy?

Don't worry about it.

I'll find out myself.

You know, it is amazing.

They're like little popcorn pills, you know?

Whoa, whoa!

What are you doing? He agreed to help us.

I just wanted to extend our full hospitality

to our guest, make sure he's perfectly comfortable

while we wait

patiently for the chip.

I was just telling your partner...

He's not my partner. Go on.

The Collective has an unbreakable security system.

But it does have one weakness.

It can be manipulated

from the inside.

Man, these jellybeans taste... funny.

Just speeding up the process a little bit.

You've got something on your shirt.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Keep it in the can. Keep it in the trash can.

What do you think?

Do I look like a hacker?

Is the beanie overkill?

You look perfect.

Okay, I found a duct opening

on the east corner, just below the roof.

Okay, we have our entry.

At exactly 2200 hours, we'll be in the server room,

waiting for you to override the security system.

Got it.

Be careful, babe.

You, too.

I'm here for a job.

You realize what happens if you don't get the job?

I do.

Welcome to The Collective,

the very best of the very best.

You said you want a job.

Let's prove it.

Sit.

Okay.

Hi.

Freddie is my best programmer.

If you can prove your skills

up against him,

then you have the job.

But if you fail...

...you might not be so fortunate.

So, a good old-fashioned hack off, huh?

Great. Perfect.

I'm just gonna take a moment to

get prepared, if you don't-don't mind.

Boom.

Oh, once you've had Rombauer,

you just can't go back to any other Chardonnay.

Who are you?

I've been out of the game for a little while,

but they used to call me The Piranha.

There's no way.

Let's do this, huh?

Okay,

the first person that hacks

into Federal Reserve and transfers

one penny into secure account wins.

Are we clear?

Begin!

Freddie's an expert

at subverting complex security systems.

He is the reason our own system is so secure.

Oh, yeah, I can tell.

He did a great job.

That's my man.

You seem to know your way around a computer.

I'm sorry, are we still talking?

I'm kind of busy here.

You know what? You actually have a little hiccup there

at the bottom of your page.

A compiler can't optimize a value away like that.

Just want to...

Yeah, there you go.

Rookie mistake. I'm sure it won't happen again.

Oh, I'm losing!

Better get back to work.

I forgot something.

I'm really good at this!

The servers are in here somewhere.

Can we pull up the schematics?

Verbanski?

Fine, I love Casey!

Just, just geez, stop grilling me!

♪ ♪

So, do you want to talk about it?

You know, I've just been a wreck

since Casey went to prison.

I had no idea I had such strong feelings for him,

and now I'm petrified

this could actually turn into something.

Well, maybe you're looking at it the wrong way.

What, we're gonna become a couple, have some kids,

and then I gotta quit the spy business

because it's too dangerous?

Relationships are all about communication.

Big life changes don't really just

spring up on you like that.

Hey, stop!

I couldn't imagine life away from this

Do you really think it's gonna be that bad?

Sarah, girls like us, we don't just leave the spy business.

Look at me, I've been doing this

since I was 16 years old.

I never had another job, not my entire life.

I wouldn't even know what to do if I did.

Stop right there!

How about you?

Could you do anything else?

Thanks.

This might be it.

Chuck, I've got the device.

Let's get out of here.

Thanks for the help.

Hope you enjoyed losing.

Done!

One penny transferred out of the Federal Reserve

into a secure account.

Easy.

Hmm.

A little too easy if you ask me.

And honestly, who wanta penny, right?

So...

I hacked into the Buy More and got us all flat screens.

Whoo! With extended warranties, I might add.

You are clearly very talented.

Unfortunately, I don't care

that you are talented.

We have all the flat screens that we need.

Whoa-uh-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa!

Before you use that I've got a little business tip for you.

And what is that?

You should really look into finding

a better security expert.

Freddie! Alarms!

Fixed it!

Find him!

Guys, I'm in trouble! Coming your way!

I don't think I got the job.

Let's get out of here. Go, go, go!

Your plan worked.

As soon as Lester saw the other better Lester,

he changed his tune. That's fantastic!

He said he wouldn't poison me anymore,

so I dropped the charges.

He'll be back at work tomorrow.

Mm, man, I can't wait.

This wasn't really about me and Lester, was it?

Mm, I don't know.

There's someone who hasn't forgiven your dickish behavior.

And you need to right that wrong.

I'm talking about John Casey.

I know, dude. I'm not brain damaged.

I'm sorry. Too soon?

That's... I don't...

You want me to do the talking?

No. It was supposed to be me and Chuck.

We don't want to do anything to spook Decker.

You should probably make yourself scarce.

So, I've been, uh,

I've been thinking about life after the spy game.

What do you mean?

You know, maybe you're right; I'm, I'm great with computers.

I mean, maybe Carmichael Industries isn't a spy firm.

Maybe it's a tech company.

What do you think?

Sarah?

Uh, what would my job be at Carmichael Industries?

I mean, what would I do?

Well, you'd...

He's here.

Did you bring the virus?

The deal, it's still good?

John Casey goes free?

Here.

What are you planning on doing with it?

This? The real question is,

what do you plan to do with it, Chuck?

What are you talking about?

I got some good footage of you and your team in possession

of the most dangerous computer virus in the world.

Smile.

Don't worry, we'll release the virus,

but you'll get the blame.

That should get you on the FBI's

most wanted list pretty quickly.

So, this was a setup.

You set us up?

You know, now that I think of it,

it was pretty irresponsible to release Casey

into the hands of his criminal colleagues.

That's enough of this nonsense.

You release Casey now.

Gertrude, what's happening is bigger than just me.

The Plan is in motion.

It's too late for all of you.

It's just a shame that Casey had to be the first to die.

Give me one reason not to kill you.

Go ahead.

It will only further prove your guilt.

So, I suggest you get your hands off me

and get a little head start,

because soon, people will be hunting Chuck,

the way they hunted Bin Laden.

Go.

Let's go. Let's go right now.

Hey, Decker.

Aren't you forgetting something?

Don't worry, I left a little consolation prize.

He deserved that.

Go. Go, go, go! Come on! Come on! Come on!

♪ ♪

It was all a setup, huh?

Chuck was gonna be the fall guy,

and you were never getting out of here alive.

John, your team needs you now.

Okay.

What do we do about Decker?

I already took care of him.

You didn't.

I have to disappear for a while.

I understand.

We could've been something.

Still can be.

Perhaps someday.

Surveillance changes shifts in two minutes.

So we gotta get into the heating duct

before they realize that you're gone.

You're gonna break me out of here alone?

No. I found someone who cares about you as much as I do.

Prisoner transfer from CB-11, section 38.

Copy that.

I missed you, big guy.

♪ ♪

What plan was Decker talking about?

Why would he want to frame you?

I don't know,

but I intend to find out.

If he was telling the truth,

then we're already in deeper than we know.

Sarah, I was wrong about quitting the spy life.

Because right now,

we've got to be the best spies we've ever been, okay?

== sync, corrected by elderman ==