All language subtitles for American.Housewife.S03E10.Saving Christmas.SVA+AVS.HI.C

♪

[Sighs]

No, no, Mom. We've got this.

Don't offer to help.

- Ah, way ahead of you. [Chuckles]
- [Door closes]

Why do you put off getting your tree

until the last second?

It's almost Christmas.

We wait so we get a better price
on the reject trees.

Because a penny saved
is a penny embarrassing.

This one only cost us 15 bucks

because it's infested with termites.

But here's a fun fact... we're renters!

Do you have to keep walking around

in that creepy thing?

Yeah. I do.

I didn't get the lead
in "The Nutcracker,"

so I'm stuck getting used to
this stupid Mouse King mask.

Well, it's happening, so suck it up.

All I want this year
is a peaceful Christmas.

All I want
is a Tiffany Infinity Bracelet.

All I want is an aging billionaire

who has an aversion to pre-nups.
[Chuckles]

Hmm.

And all I want for Christmas...

- [Door closes]
- is for your mother to leave.

She's been here forever.
I want my office back.

I'm tired of you guys making fun of me

whenever I want to read a book.

Books are for nerds, nerd!

[Laughs]

[Doorbell rings]

[Gasps] Daddy!

- Kitty-Kat!
- [Both laugh]

CHILDREN: Grandpa!

- Oh, hi, cutie.
- Oh, hi, sweetheart. [Laughs]

- Hey, pal. How are you?
- Hi.

Why don't you take his bags upstairs?

Oh, yeah, grab that one
for me, would you?

I didn't know you were coming, Dad.

- Why didn't you call?
- Well, I did.

I told that little knucklehead
right there.

Oh. Mom, Grandpa's coming
to town for Christmas.

I love that you came, Daddy.

There is just one hitch...

Mom's here.

- She's still here?
- Mm-hmm.

I thought she would've moved on by now.

- It's been months.
- Thank you!

Grandpa!

Come put those presents under the tree.

[Chuckles]

This is very, very bad.

We can't have my parents
in the same house.

There's an understanding...
they only see each other

at weddings and funerals.

It's been 25 years since they split up.

I'm sure they've moved on by now.

Marty?

Hey, Kate.

Nice ponytail.

It's very "Last of the Mohicans"
meets "Cocoon."

And how do you look so good?

Did you make a deal... with yourself?

[Chuckles, snorts]

And I see that you're still

wearing cargo shorts.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I would have gotten all dressed up

had I known I was meeting
the Queen of England.

KATIE: Well, deck the [bleep] halls.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com

♪

You don't have to
clear out of your room.

I can just sleep on the floor somewhere.

Come on, Grandpa,

you're not gonna sleep on the floor.

I'll just sleep on Anna-Kat's pullout.

Thanks, kiddo.

Hey, I'm excited to go
see your dance thing.

Don't get too excited.

I didn't get the starring role.

I'm the Mouse King. I wear a mask.

No one will even remember me.

Hey. Batman wore a mask.

Superman wore a mask.

Superman didn't wear a mask.

Batman wore a mask.

What are you two talking about?

Uh, Grandpa was just
giving me some advice.

Your grandpa is the best person
to go to for problems.

- He was a father and a mother to me.
- MARTY: Aww.

When these started coming in strong...

- I'm good.
- ...I went to him.

He took me to get my first bra.

Most girls start with a training bra.

- Not my Katie.
- Still good.

He also taught me how to shave my legs.

And how to change a flat,

throw a curve ball, and put on mascara.

You got to flick your wrist a little bit

or it gets all clumpy.

Why didn't Grandma
do this stuff with you?

Because she found herself a job

that would keep parenting
opportunities to a minimum.

You don't have to
change the sheets for me.

You do not want to sleep
in a 15-year-old boy's sheets.

Mommmmm!

You're right. I'm sorry, honey.

You should also probably
wear flip-flops in the shower.

Ugh! I can't believe

that you wrapped those presents
in aluminum foil.

Why?

You don't need tape,

and a cutter is right on the box.

You don't have to worry about scissors,

and when you unwrap, you can use it

to cover your favorite
holiday leftovers.

All right, this is why your daughter

buys last-minute Christmas trees

and reuses dryer sheets until
they dissolve into her clothing.

Oh, you are a delight.

Ugh.

[Sighs]

Well, looks like our family Christmas

is getting dragged behind a dumpster

and beaten with a sack of batteries.

You're just gonna have to ask
one of your parents to leave.

I can't kick my parents out
on Christmas.

The only thing that we can do

to have a peaceful holiday

is to keep them apart.

I will take my mom to work

and you entertain my dad.

What am I supposed to do with him?

He's a handyman. Have him fix something.

Fix what? Nothing's broken.

- [Cabinet clatters]
- There.

Fix that.

All right.

[Knock on door]

There's the new understudy

for the lead
of "Little Shop of Horrors."

I couldn't have done it without you.

- Ready to rehearse?
- Let me just grab my script.

Hey, Pierce, do you wanna
play ponies with me?

- Ponies?
- Yeah.

I made up a game called

"Real Horsewives of Connecticut."

This is Donatella Morningstar.

She's having a launch party
for her new saddle line,

but she didn't invite
Sparkles O'Donahue,

so she's having lunch with
Bethany Trotsky to talk trash.

Yeah, I don't do ponies.

Tell Mom and Dad
we're off to join the circus.

Did you just come up with that
off the top of your head?

- Mm.
- I can't believe you haven't done improv.

[Giggles]

[Door closes]

That boy needs a hard hoof to the head.

Ooo, Donatella, you are bad.

[Grunts]

Nothing was ever good enough
for that woman.

[Glasses clack]

You have those just loose in there?

No bag?

It's a pocket. Why would I need a bag?

Listen, I get that she makes you nuts.

She makes me nuts.

But could you just
make peace with Kathryn?

[Laughs]

You see, that would be like

using a cement-based grout on a joint

instead of caulk.

Ah.

I'm saying it wouldn't work.

I'm just asking for a small gesture.

A peace offering.
Put on a pair of pants.

My legs run hot!

Listen, all Katie wants

is a stress-free Christmas.

Do it for your daughter
and your grandkids.

All right. I'll do it for them.

Apple pie?

How is it warm?

- I told you... I run hot.
- Mm.

[Indistinct conversations]

He wouldn't even play
"Real Horsewives" with me.

That's crazy. It's so fun.

Did you offer him Donatella Morningstar?

She's the breakout star
of the whole show.

[Sighs] I didn't even have a chance.

He just walked away.

[Sighs] I get a bad feeling
from that guy.

Me too.

You need to get your act together

and win Taylor back.

How?

She's super mad. She won't talk to me.

It's Christmas.

Put a Secret Santa gift in her locker.

- Okay.
- She won't know it's from you,

and when she loves it, you pop out

and do your smiley handsome thing.

I'm really good at smiley handsome.

Maybe the best there ever was.

But what do I get her?

I happen to know she wants

a Tiffany Infinity Bracelet.

All right. I'm in.

- I just have one question.
- Mm-hmm.

Did Donatella Morningstar
launch her new saddle line yet?

She did. And there was so much drama!

[Sighs] I can't believe

- I missed it.
- [Chuckles]

♪

Check it out... the cabinet is fixed.

And after my little talk with your dad,

so is Christmas.

I wouldn't be so sure.

Do you hear them fighting?

No, but they could have
sharpened candy canes

and shivved each other.

- [Footsteps]
- OLIVER: Mom?

Have you seen my Mouse King mask?

I saw it in my office earlier.

[Chuckling] I'm fixing everything.

Oh, dear.

Ah.

My mask!

Oh, yeah, uh, listen, kiddo, I'm sorry.

It kind of got all squished
in the excitement.

Oh. Here, honey.

Yeah, uh, but I can fix it.

KATIE: What is going on in there?

Oh, my God. What have you two done?

Don't answer that.

Please! Don't answer that.

Fine, I won't answer.

But whatever did happen here
happened twice. [Chuckles]

- [Sighs]
- [Groans]

I told you to keep them apart.

They are the opposite of apart, Greg!

I wanted you to have
a peaceful Christmas.

All I did was ask your dad
to put some pants on!

- [Sighs]
- And I did.

But then they came right back off again.

[Chuckles]

- I appreciated the gesture.
- Oh.

You know, we just started reminiscing

about the good times,

and one thing led to another.

And another.

And most of the way to another.

Ugh. Please stop.

Your mother decided that maybe
we should give it another go.

- Yeah.
- No. Mnh-mnh.

That is a terrible, terrible idea.

- Right, Greg?
- Terrible.

[Scoffs] We'll be fine.

In fact, we're even thinking
about moving in together.

Wait, not moving in together
in my office.

- An off-site location?
- My place.

Hooray for love!

[Kathryn and Marty laugh]

♪

I don't know what my dad was thinking

getting back together with my mom.

He doesn't remember
how awful she was to him.

But I do.

That's why I'm so easygoing with Greg.

Y-You are nicer to him than
you are other people, I guess.

Katie, they're both adults,

and you get rid of your mom.
What's the big deal?

Because the minute someone
better comes along,

she is going to take off

and break my dad's heart all over again.

- That's cold.
- You did the same thing to your wife!

That's right, because a lesbian can do

anything a heterosexual can do, Doris.

I can't watch my dad
go through it again.

It took me a year
to get him back on his feet.

It's probably why I'm so nurturing.

Wow. You really see yourself differently

than the rest of the world, huh?

Sounds like you have to break them up
before he gets in too deep.

I'd love to, but how?

Do something to remind them why
they're so bad for each other.

Find a trigger.

Like on Christmas Eve, when I
want to get rid of Richard's mom,

I bring out a picture of her at my age.

We look exactly the same.
Creeps everybody out.

She bolts, Richard can't
look at me for a month,

everybody wins.

You know, when I was a kid,

they fought about decorating
the Christmas tree.

He wanted big, blinking,
colorful lights,

and she thought anything
but white bulbs was stupid.

But I thought you said Christmas morning

was the happiest time for your family.

It was, once I got the idea
to have two trees...

one for him and one for her.

Because that's what a 9-year-old
needs to worry about at Christmas...

keeping Mom and Dad from fighting.

So your answer lies in that
one tree in your living room.

Exactly.

I'll just use the spirit
and wonder of the holidays

to pit my parents against
each other and break 'em up.

Aww.

♪

Here she comes.

♪

♪

[Gasps]

Oh, my God.

- Go get her, kid.
- [Exhales sharply]

What's that?

It's a Tiffany Infinity Bracelet,

but there's no card,

so it's from a Secret Santa, I guess.

I love it! [Chuckles]

Merry Christmas!

It's from you?

Whoa. He got her the same present?

He didn't get her the same present,

he just took credit for yours.

And now he's getting my hug?

- I have to tell her.
- No.

Remember last time you told her
that Pierce was a jerk?

You ended up looking like the jerk.

So I just give up?

No.

We need to come up
with a Secret Santa gift

she'll know is from you.

Then, when Pierce takes credit
for it, he's busted.

So, all we have to do is...

I have an idea, but let's see
if yours is better.

It has to be something romantic.

What did you guys do on your first date?

Oh, so, we went bowling and we made up

funny names for each other
to put on the screen.

So she was "Lois Lane,"

and I was "Insert Player Two Name Here."

Keyboard was very confusing.

That's it!

Get her a bowling shirt
with "Lois Lane" on it.

Whoa. Anna-Kat, you're like
a mini guidance counselor.

Except you don't put Sambuca
in your coffee

every time I walk in your office.

- Come on, let's wrap it up.
- What's the rush?

I just want to get the tree trimmed

before Oliver's dance recital.

So you're at peace with your
parents getting back together?

Oh, yeah.

I don't love that "Oh, yeah."

- I've heard it before.
- [Camera shutter clicks]

Katie, you're still on the pill, right?

Oh, yeah.

- [Chuckles]
- [Camera shutter clicks]

Why are you guys looking at me?

Sorry we're late.

I was just giving the Mouse King
a once-over.

I got one, too. [Chuckles]

- Ugh.
- Here you go.

Wow.

It looks like nobody
has ever had sex on it!

Well, the tree is all decorated.

What do you think?

- It's very pretty. Yeah.
- That's nice.

You sure? Nothing that bothers you?

Dad, you've always been
a star man, right?

You sure you want that angel up there?

Well, nothing to fight over.

An angel is just fine.

Like your entire life was "just fine"

after Mom chewed you up and spit you out

like a bad pistachio.

Katie, what are you doing?

Just cherishing a magical Christmas

with both of my parents.

Am I still allowed to do that,
Greg, or is this Russia?

Mom, what do you think of the lights?

They sure are big and colorful
and blinkey.

Well, I know they make
your father happy.

Since when did you care about that?

My whole childhood,

you lived off of menthols
and Dad's misery.

Why are we bringing this up now?

I don't know. It's the holidays.

And it's nice to take a walk
down Memory Lane.

- Katie...
- Remember how you'd tell Dad

to take 'em off,

and he'd refuse and tell you,
"You're not gonna be happy

until there were two more balls
hanging from the tree."

Ornaments, Anna-Kat.

She's, uh, talking about ornaments.

Mom realizes she's doing this
in front of her children.

Isn't that right, Mama?

Remember how you'd rip
the lights off the tree

and throw them at Dad? That was fun.

Do you want to give them a little tug?

Katie, stop. Now, the lights are fine.

I know that you hate them.

Here! Let me help you pull them off!

[Ornaments shattering]

Oh, good, now I'm not
the only one in class

whose mom hasn't had
a nervous breakdown.

Thanks, Mom.
You've given me a lot to draw on

when I play the villain
in "The Nutcracker."

Can we go do that now?

Why aren't you two fighting
about the tree?!

This is your tradition!

I think I'll start my own tradition

by spending Christmas
at a friend's house.

[Screams]

[Sighs]

My Mouse King mask!

This was your peaceful Christmas?

What's your idea for
a happy New Year? The Purge?

Look what you did.

[Remix of Tchaikovsky's "Dance
of the Sugar Plum Fairy" plays]

[Indistinct conversations]

Hey, hey, hey.

Relax. It's gonna be fine.

Oh, yeah, I'm on in half
an hour, and I have no mask.

Don't worry. You can fix
anything with duct tape.

Why are you so upset?

Your parents are
falling in love again...

on Christmas.

[Katie sighs]

Add a rescue dog, maybe Tori Spelling,

you've got yourself
the perfect TV holiday movie.

You're just pushing her on my dad

because you want her out of your office.

He's going to get hurt again.

- You don't know that.
- Yes, I do.

I know my mom, and she's
gonna eat him alive.

She is like a lake full of piranhas,

and he is like...

something that falls into
a lake full of piranhas.

- A small cow?
- Thank you.

He's like a small cow.

[Music continues]

[Conversations continue]

♪

All right.

The elf is delivering the bowling shirt.

Taylor will open it up and know
it can only be from you.

Pierce will try to take credit.

And she'll know he's a liar.

Then you pop out, kiss-kiss...

And then we green-light

"Real Horsewives" Season Two.

I got her tickets?

No, you bought her a bowling shirt.

I thought you'd want to go

since you're gonna be
on Broadway someday.

Oh, my God, thank you!

What is going on?

That tall guy over there
gave me 20 bucks

to come over here and say,
"Thanks for the box."

Pierce!

- Dad...
- Hmm?

...you and Mom shouldn't be together.

Look, kiddo, I can take care of myself.

Mom is just making nice with you

because she doesn't have
anywhere else to go.

She is broke and looking for
a soft place to land.

What are you saying?

You are like a drywall screw
and she's a driver.

And then she's going to use you
until your head gets stripped,

and then she's gonna leave you

for one of those fancy Torx screws.

- Now I understand.
- Mm-hmm.

- But maybe she...
- Dad...

I know you think
that you can fix anything,

but you cannot fix her.

Mnh-mnh.

♪

♪

[Quietly] Your father just told me

he doesn't want me
to move in with him anymore

and that he's leaving tonight.

What did you say to him?

[Whispering] All of this is a bad idea.

[Scoffs] And who are you
to say it's a bad idea?

- Ugh.
- Shh!

- [Sighs]
- We will finish this conversation

after Oliver's performance.

- Shh!
- I was just telling her

- that we need to stop talking.
- Shh.

Did you ask Santa for a
roundhouse kick to the teeth?

'Cause you're about to get it.

♪

You're on in 15 seconds.

There you are. Did you fix it?

Well, I'm not gonna use
the phrase "as good as new"...

Uh, yeah, how's that?

[Muffled] Not great.

- You're on!
- Go, go!

♪

[Audience gasps]

Oh, my God.

I guess we can finish
that conversation now.

You need to get your nose
out of our business.

Why do you care what we do?

I am not letting you chew him up
and spit him out

like you did before.

What the hell do you know?

Lots! I grew up in that house!

- Shh!
- Ugh! We're in a lobby!

I admit that things went south
between me and your dad,

but we wanted different things.

That is not gonna happen this time.

Based on what?!

Living with you!

Huh?

Living with you and Greg
these past few months,

I've watched how you two work together.

I mean, you're... you're totally
different, but... but...

[Scoffs] I don't know.
You figure it out.

You talk things through.

You don't have a fight
and then fly off to another city

to do tequila shots
with Jan-Michael Vincent.

[Sighs]

You taught me what marriage is.

[Chuckles]

I mean, I...

I didn't get it the first time
around with your dad, but...

I think I get it now.

♪

There you go.

Good as new.
And that's a watertight seal.

- You don't even need a shoe.
- Thanks, Grandpa.

[Quietly] We're still going
to the hospital, right?

Oh, yeah.

Oh. [Sighs]

- Dad?
- Yeah.

I'd like you to meet somebody.

Her name is Kathryn.

I'm not gonna lie... she's a lot,

but I think you'd make a great couple.

[Kathryn chuckles]

You were right.

This would make a good holiday movie.

Shh!

Excuse me.

I'm going to be in jail for Christmas.

♪

♪

Despite my worst efforts,
everyone got what they wanted.

I got my peaceful Christmas.

Greg is getting his office back.

Taylor got that over-priced bracelet,

not to mention theater tickets
and a new boyfriend.

Anna-Kat seems pretty excited

about that portable belt sander
my dad got her.

My mom got her soft landing.

Even Oliver kind of got
what he wanted...

to be the star of the show.

[Laughs] They looped it!

OLIVER: Aah!

Aah! Aah!

3,000 likes?!

We need to make a follow-up right away.

What do you think of
"Mouse King tries to dunk

and pulls the hoop down
on top of himself?"

[Laughs]

[As Donatella Morningstar]
She wasn't invited, so I was all,

"Filly, don't get in my muzzle
with your cheap extensions!"

[Laughs]

[As Sparkles O'Donahue]
You just broke the nasty meter, Donatella.

No one wants you here, Sparkles.

Your bloodline has no champions.

[As pony] Not for nothing,
but I hear your grandmother

was sired by a donkey.

You two are just jealous

because my bridle has diamonds on it,

and my horseshoes
cost more than your stables.

[As Donatella] Get out before
I bite you in the withers!

[Normal voice] Is that the butt?

[Normal voice] [Laughing] No, the neck!

[Chuckles] Drama and education...

this show has everything.

[Laughs]