Original subtitles

Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com

NARRATOR: Ahh, Christmas...

That time of year when children are at their absolute worst.

You see, kids have figured out that they'll get

whatever they want whether they're bad or good.

So they all became spoiled turds.

Hey, I want that.

It's too expensive.

(whining): But it's Christmas.

I get whatever I want!

If you're a good boy.

Steven Anita!

No, I'm a bad boy.

I get what I want.

What's gotten into this boy? He's insane.

He's a mystery to me.

I'm the one they call a mystery

"They"?

I'm the one they call insane

Ain't no other way I'm meant to be

I want this and gimme that

Are we to blame? Oh, no

If I told you once, I told you twice

I'd never be a saint

Daddy, no

Mommy, no

Ain't no saint

Bad

Bad, bad, bad, bad boy

We want it, we want it

And you're paying for it

I'm no good

So bring me toys

I want it, I want it

Don't appreciate it

I know what's coming and I see the way

He gets whatever he wants

Ain't no other way to go!

Don't you ever tell him no

And when I want it, you buy it for me

We've got you in our aim

So pony up the dough

(groans) Steve, you're the worst.

You want the worst?

Well, you gonna see the worst

'Cause I'm the best, the best at bein' the worst!

FRANCINE: Stop!

I have heard enough of this song and dance.

You're just lucky I don't beat you like my dad did to me.

In fact, let's pay a visit to my dad

so you can see what happens to naughty boys when they grow up.

Dad, tell him how much jail sucks.

Tell him about the beatings, the rapes,

the overly washed Egyptian cotton bath towels.

Tell him so he'll stop being bad.

Steve, just be happy you're bad now

and not when I was boy.

Back then, Krampus would have come for you.

Krampus?

Yes, Krampus.

The demon of Christmas.

When I was a boy in Southern Bavaria,

in lower Berchtesgaden,

Santa would ride with Krampus.

Santa would give gifts to the good kids

and Krampus would punish the naughty ones.

Scare you with his rusty chains.

Slap your bottom with his birch branches.

And if you were really bad,

he'd throw you in his almost child-sized sack

and shake you good!

Oh, that's Krampus for you.

Yeah, sounds like a load of bull jizzle.

I've never heard of Krampus.

That's because your gramps trapped the demon, he did.

On Christmas Eve,

I snuck out of bed to get more of Mother's strudel

even though she told me I couldn't have any more.

I didn't care.

I wanted more.

When I got there,

I saw that Krampus had beat me to it.

He was neck-deep in Mutter's strudel.

So I trapped him in that copper pot.

Copper-potted him good.

And that's why you and all the other baddies

never get a visit from Krampus on Christmas Eve.

That's nonsense.

See for yourself.

That copper pot is with my stuff in your basement.

Okay, okay, I'm bored.

Let's go.

Krampus is real.

Real I say!

The copper pot's in your basement.

It's right there

with my old Rossignol skis!

They're super-long and super-fast!

Check your basement, Stan!

So, Hayley, have you decided

what to get the family for Christmas?

(sighs) No, not yet.

It must be the perfect thing

For a family so loving

A gift that's from above

A gift that's full of love

It's the perfect thing, can't you see?

A tub of popcorns three

Caramel for Mom, salted for Dad,

And a hearty cheese for Steve

Roger, oh, Roger

I hate to be a bother

But I need some money for a gift

This gift, you see, is a tub of popcorns three

Wha-Wha-Wha... just stop, stop.

J-J-Just tell me what you want.

Wh-What's going on?

I need a job so I can get the family a Christmas gift.

The bar gets busy during the holidays.

Maybe you could use an extra hand.

You're too late, sister.

I already hired college kids from the water polo team.

I've got almost too many hands for jobs.

Here's the classifieds.

Ooh, the airport's hiring.

What's with this Speedo, Jeremy?

It's too baggy.

Is it a tandem Speedo for two men?

Eh, even this is too loose.

Mark, hop in here!

Did they get this on sale?

Was this the floor model?

Well, if it wasn't, it is now!

Smash!

(gasps) Steven!

By the power of Grayskull,

what do you think you're doing?

I am hiding these until Christmas.

Boy driving me insane.

Got me talking like Bernie Mac.

(hollow ringing)

(knock)

Krampus?

Jack?

No, Jack's my dad.

Let... me... out.

I can't. You're a demon.

I-It would be...

unwise.

Release... me.

STEVE: Hey, bitch!

Where's my Mickey Mouse towel?!

FRANCINE: I'm sorry!

I'll try harder!

Okay. If I let you out,

will you promise to scare my son and make him a good boy?

Yeah!

That's, like, exactly what I do, man.

(screeching)

Ow!

(shouts) (growls)

(shouts)

No!

Bring me Jack

if you ever want to see your son again!

Wait!

(screeching)

JACK: You did what?!

I released Krampus.

I just wanted him to scare Steve straight.

Sexual orientation is not a choice!

What?

Look, Krampus took Steve,

and he says he'll only give him back

if you take his place.

What do you say, Dad?

If I use my CIA connections to get you out of re,

will you switch with Steve?

I'm in.

Krampus probably took him to his castle in Bavaria.

I know where it is.

Give me the keys. I'll drive.

(cackles)

See you, sucker!

(tires screeching)

Yep.

Yeah. (chuckles)

Uh-huh. (chuckles)

Yep.

(grunting)

Get off me!

Let me go!

What are you doing?

Krampus is back.

He's been gone for, like,

50 years or something, you guys.

You can't do this!

I'm an American child!

I'm a treasure!

Well, you in Bavaria now.

(growls)

You need to be punished.

If you lay so much as one finger on me, I will per...

Who you talking to?

I'm Krampus, bitch!

I do whatever I please.

This is my expertise.

Round the world, it's all the same

Children freeze when they hear my name

Krampus, please don't beat me so

But do I listen? Sadly, no

80% of kids

End up turnin' into dirtbags

I just laugh

But, Steve, oh, Steve, you are the worst

Slap that butt with the branch of birch

Shake them chains till your ears go numb

See now just what you've become

Show you that life is pain

Not some silly stupid game

We do it my way

And because you haven't learned your lesson

You get the rod

You get the rod!

I swear to God, do not touch me!

You see, Steve, you don't know anything about pain.

Yes, I do!

Pain is having a girl named Sheila

walk out on you in the middle of downtown Baltimore

for some guy named Dennis,

who worked as a mechanic and made twice as much money as you.

Wha...? These are things

you know nothing about, boy,

but I'm here to show you.

Agh! Agh!

I'm gonna punish you

You ain't experienced all that I've been through

Sheila said the kid was mine

But it looked just like Dennis

That damn Dennis

And because you haven't learned your lesson

You get the rod (grunting)

You get the rod!

You'll stay here until I see Jack.

(sobbing)

Looks like you got some stuff going on.

Want to tell me what you did?

Want to tell me who you did?

(whispers): Was it a boy?

Krampus kidnapped Steve.

And the only one who knows where to find him is Jack.

And Jack took off.

Krampus?

Santa's evil sidekick?

Santa must know where he is.

Santa won't help me. Santa hates me.

I'm coming for you, Smiths!

Hyah!

(sighs)

Look, even if I wanted to ask for Santa's help,

how am I supposed to get to the North Pole?

Oh, boys!

Hyah!

STAN: Damn...

Santa's village is behind this wall.

Give me a boost.

Take my hand!

Stan!

(screaming)

(grunting)

Harder.

Way harder.

How dare you come to my house.

Krampus.

What about him?

He's been gone over 50 years.

No, Krampus is alive.

And he has my son.

Who cares about your son?

I can't go back to sharing Christmas

with that soul-singing goat.

Always nibbling on my list.

Please, I need your help.

I need to find Steve.

Okay.

I'll help you get your boy

if you help me kill Krampus.

Deal.

Come on, Roger.

Just a little longer.

I'm almost there.

(whimpering)

Aw. Tissue for your tears?

(yelps)

You don't have to be scared.

Here, refresh yourself with a cool drink of water.

See, everyone here is nice.

You guys seem okay.

But that Krampus is a real jerk.

Oh, that's not true! That's not the way.

(all babbling)

Krampus cares about you more than anyone.

He cares enough to punish you when you're bad.

That's cause he's a monster who enjoys terrorizing kids.

No, no, no, no, no, you got it all wrong.

Come on. We'll show you.

With a smack to the forehead

And a poke in the eye

I beaten a lot of children in my lifetime

Oh, yeah

But the truth in the matter is

I've been hurtin' inside, wish I could rewind

Yeah!

Oh

Ooh

When I'm breakin' their fingers

Lord, it's breakin' my heart

And every Christmas Eve, my soul is always torn apart

Hey, wait a second, dude

I feel as bad as you

I don't wanna live like this no more

I just wish I could start over new

Damn, I feel just like you do

Oh, I know that we've been bad

But we don't wanna be sad no more

Such a drag

'Cause I miss Mom and Dad

And I miss my baby Sheila

Sheila, why'd you leave?

You left me on my own

All out in the cold

A dollar to my name

In dirty-ass Baltimore

And next time I see you I'm gonna kill you

Oh, Sheila, I'm sorry, baby

I love you.

When you punished me, it hurt you

more than it hurt me, didn't it?

But I endure it because I care.

So, why do you want my grand-poppy-pop so bad?

He seems like a total lost cause.

Which is exactly why I need to apologize to him.

Apologize?

It's my fault he turned out bad.

I should have been beating his ass

instead of munching down on your great-grandma's strudel.

I failed him.

Shh.

No, no, no, no, no, don't.

Shush now, frowny horns.

Look, everyone makes mistakes.

The important thing is you're back.

And you're exactly what the world needs right now.

Ho ho ho!

Off we go to kill Krampus!

STAN: Wow, full moon tonight.

ROGER: Actually, once you get above the clouds,

it's always a full moon. STAN: Is that true?

ROGER: Is any of this?

Once we kill Krampus,

you'll be on my permanent good list, Stan.

You and Jesus.

But he's Jewish.

He is?!

Oh, what a surprise.

My flight to Jamaica's delayed.

And you people wonder why the world is all taking boats.

You can discuss any of your concerns

with our customer service rep, sir.

Oh, you are a special kind of bitch, Mary Anne.

Where the irie plane, mon? You trying to tell me

this flight is late, skank? Rude boy!

Hayley? You work here?

I need the money to buy the perfect gift for my family.

But why?

Because...

Family, say it

One, two, three

One, two, three

Family is the way for me

Oh, yeah

Way for me

Do it for the family

Family

We gonna make them happy

Oh, Lord

So happy

Family, it go one, two, three

Bada ding ding ding ding, whoa

But I don't get it.

Why do anything for your family?

Because family make you high

Here the reason why

They bada boom ba bing da ding

Ba bum whoa

Family, it go one, two, three

Bada ding ding ding ding whoa

Wait. I think I'm starting to get it.

You do it for your family because they go

Bada bada bing dong dun dun dun da dum bah

And you do it for the family

Because they bing baba boo bing do do

Family, it get you high

Now you know the reason why.

Change this flight to Bavaria.

I'm going to go save my grandson.

Krampus, I can't believe I was acting like such a jerk.

A real Stephen Hawking.

Thank you.

No. Thank you.

For reminding me how good it feels

to turn naughty kids into nice ones.

I hope you don't mind blueberry crepes for breakfast.

With homemade chocolate.

(toilet flushes)

(screams)

(gagging)

(gagging stops)

(gasps)

(screams)

Trashy!

(all screaming)

(screaming)

(yelping)

(screaming)

(screaming)

(grunts)

No! Stop!

What are you doing?

(Steve gasps)

(sobbing)

He was good!

(sobbing): He was good.

(weakly): Steven.

Looks like I'm big man on Krampus.

(gun fires, Steve screams)

Oh, gross!

It got in your mouth!

What are you doing? We had a deal.

Yeah, well, I'm Santa,

and maybe now even a dumbass like you

can figure out that I'm the bad guy.

That's what I was trying to tell you.

Krampus was good.

He cared about kids.

Santa just spoils them.

And I make a hell of a lot of money doing it.

Most of my portfolio is in toy stocks.

(laughing)

That's why you give toys to everyone,

whether they're naughty or nice.

The naughty kids buy the most toys.

Wait. What?

Kids don't buy toys.

You give toys away.

How does that make money?

Do not overthink this.

Just know that I am in bed with Big Toys

so I'm making money.

See you in hell, Stan.

(distorted, slow-motion): Rossignol!

(grunting)

(screams)

Oh, God.

I'm dying.

Every man for himself!

You came to help me.

I finally realized the importance of family.

And I wanted to tell you I'm proud of you, son.

You're a good guy.

Because of you.

Because you were so hard on me.

Maybe.

Maybe for people to turn out good,

they need a beating every now and then.

That's why the world needs Krampus.

Yes.

And that's why the world sucks so hard now.

Because I took Krampus away.

My... bad.

(all gasp)

(grunts)

You're... Krampus.

So I am.

I suppose this is how I'm to repay my debt to the world

for taking Krampus away all these years.

So, will you remain Krampus forever?

Like, all the time?

Who knows?

In the meantime, it's Christmas Eve,

and I've got a lot of bottoms to blister.

(Jack laughing)

You better be good, boys and girls,

or I'll beat you until blood's coming from your ears

and your eyes and your mouth.

Merry Christmas!

And from your ass.

Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0