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1
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What has six legs...
2
00:00:37,820 --> 00:00:39,219
is slimy...
3
00:00:39,220 --> 00:00:42,400
and has a face under its feet?
I give up.
4
00:00:43,260 --> 00:00:46,379
You're supposed to think about it,
not just give up.
5
00:00:46,380 --> 00:00:47,459
Sorry.
6
00:00:47,460 --> 00:00:49,920
OK, I thought about it, I give up.
7
00:00:51,500 --> 00:00:55,499
Isn't it marvellous when you think
that Old Mystery Trousers here
8
00:00:55,500 --> 00:00:58,240
is of the same species
as Albert Einstein?
9
00:00:59,500 --> 00:01:03,959
I don't remember any
Albert Einsteins. Maybe they moved.
10
00:01:03,960 --> 00:01:06,319
Greatest brain of the century.
11
00:01:06,320 --> 00:01:09,679
No question about it,
they moved.
12
00:01:09,680 --> 00:01:13,059
Who said he was the greatest brain?
13
00:01:13,060 --> 00:01:15,799
Ask anybody. I'm askin' thee.
14
00:01:15,800 --> 00:01:17,840
It's common knowledge.
15
00:01:20,160 --> 00:01:21,859
Did they check everybody?
16
00:01:21,860 --> 00:01:23,779
Did they go round saying,
17
00:01:23,780 --> 00:01:27,379
"Let's see if you've got a bigger
brain than Albert Hindsight."
18
00:01:27,380 --> 00:01:29,019
Einstein.
19
00:01:29,020 --> 00:01:31,320
Nobody checked on my brain.
20
00:01:32,340 --> 00:01:35,979
My God, that was a loss to the
scientific community, wasn't it?
21
00:01:35,980 --> 00:01:39,099
Listen, if they missed me,
they could've missed somebody
22
00:01:39,100 --> 00:01:41,699
what had a bigger brain
than Albert Hi-fi.
23
00:01:41,700 --> 00:01:45,339
There could be some twit in
Huddersfield who thinks he's stupid
24
00:01:45,340 --> 00:01:47,759
because nobody's
bothered to check...
25
00:01:47,760 --> 00:01:50,519
to see if he's got a bigger brain
than... Oh, shut up.
26
00:01:50,520 --> 00:01:52,400
I wish I'd never mentioned him.
27
00:01:53,580 --> 00:01:54,840
Just... just keep quiet.
28
00:01:54,940 --> 00:01:56,520
Relax, enjoy the fresh air.
29
00:02:01,920 --> 00:02:06,360
Somebody's always bragging
that they've got something bigger
than somebody else.
30
00:02:07,700 --> 00:02:10,039
I remember Noddy Hargreaves
at school.
31
00:02:10,040 --> 00:02:12,799
He was always boasting
that he had the biggest...
32
00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:14,600
That was a different thing entirely.
33
00:02:15,860 --> 00:02:18,200
That's certainly my recollection.
34
00:02:20,500 --> 00:02:23,000
I wonder where old Noddy is now.
35
00:02:23,680 --> 00:02:27,840
Wherever it is, I hope he's
developed a few wider interests.
36
00:02:28,380 --> 00:02:31,879
I'm sorry for all
the interruptions, Clegg.
37
00:02:31,880 --> 00:02:34,339
Would you repeat your riddle?
38
00:02:34,340 --> 00:02:39,599
What has six legs, is slimy
and has a face under its feet?
39
00:02:39,600 --> 00:02:42,679
A face under its feet...
40
00:02:42,680 --> 00:02:46,159
No, that's a tricky one.
41
00:02:46,160 --> 00:02:47,719
I give up.
42
00:02:47,720 --> 00:02:52,499
How can you concentrate with Brain
of Britain yammering in your ear?
43
00:02:52,500 --> 00:02:54,440
What has two fingers
44
00:02:54,540 --> 00:02:57,579
waving gently in thy direction?
45
00:02:57,580 --> 00:02:59,400
You can put that away.
46
00:03:00,440 --> 00:03:04,559
Sorry, but under these conditions,
I have no option but to give up.
47
00:03:04,560 --> 00:03:09,360
I must ask you to tell us what
has six legs, is slimy and has
a face under its feet?
48
00:03:10,540 --> 00:03:14,040
I don't know, but you've got one
crawling on your cap.
49
00:03:34,800 --> 00:03:37,999
He was responsible for
the Theory of Relativity.
50
00:03:38,000 --> 00:03:41,799
Everyone's heard of Einstein's
Theory of Relativity.
51
00:03:41,800 --> 00:03:43,779
Ask him what it means, Norm.
52
00:03:43,780 --> 00:03:45,099
You ask him.
53
00:03:45,100 --> 00:03:48,719
I don't like to,
I feel such a fool.
54
00:03:48,720 --> 00:03:50,919
You think you don't understand
the question?
55
00:03:50,920 --> 00:03:52,999
You wait till you hear the answer!
56
00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:57,480
Tell us then, Foggy...
What is the Theory of Relativity?
57
00:03:59,700 --> 00:04:01,320
Well, the Theory of Relativity?
58
00:04:02,280 --> 00:04:05,299
Er... you... you mean...
59
00:04:05,300 --> 00:04:08,499
Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
Mmmm.
60
00:04:08,500 --> 00:04:11,080
Er... Yes, well...
61
00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:17,760
No, no... I think I'll start
with simpler diagrams.
62
00:04:18,700 --> 00:04:21,419
Simpler diagrams, Norm.
63
00:04:21,420 --> 00:04:24,419
Yes, I think the simpler diagrams.
64
00:04:24,420 --> 00:04:26,739
Yes, er... Pi R squared,
65
00:04:26,740 --> 00:04:30,760
referred to by us mathematicians
as 2 Pi R...
66
00:04:32,640 --> 00:04:34,999
You must appreciate this
is merely an approximation.
67
00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:38,279
Oh, we do, we do. Oh, ho, ho!
68
00:04:38,280 --> 00:04:43,199
Yes. Try to think of space as
solid and perhaps a little warped.
69
00:04:43,200 --> 00:04:47,440
Well... just look at this van,
it's in appalling condition.
70
00:04:51,280 --> 00:04:54,219
Somebody's not going to get
very far with this.
71
00:04:54,220 --> 00:04:58,200
I just had the same feeling about
the Theory of Relativity.
72
00:04:59,660 --> 00:05:02,979
I've seen things destroyed on
a battlefield in better condition.
73
00:05:02,980 --> 00:05:05,539
'Ey up, it's bombs away again.
74
00:05:05,540 --> 00:05:07,079
Some of us had to do it.
75
00:05:07,080 --> 00:05:09,659
Us? I thought it were only thee.
76
00:05:09,660 --> 00:05:13,479
Hey, Norm, do you remember
when Foggy recaptured Burma?
77
00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:16,400
Was that the first time
or the second time?
78
00:05:20,060 --> 00:05:22,619
Either time! It weren't so clever.
79
00:05:22,620 --> 00:05:24,080
You 'ad help.
80
00:05:26,020 --> 00:05:28,499
And probably the biggest help
we had out there
81
00:05:28,500 --> 00:05:30,640
was the fact that
you never left England.
82
00:05:31,840 --> 00:05:34,539
I were guarding Gloria Cormby.
83
00:05:34,540 --> 00:05:36,559
Somebody 'ad to do it.
84
00:05:36,560 --> 00:05:39,600
She were a rare handful,
were Gloria.
85
00:05:53,400 --> 00:05:54,959
He's gone to wash his hands.
86
00:05:54,960 --> 00:05:58,720
Anybody else walking first
into a pub would go up to the bar
and get 'em in.
87
00:05:58,940 --> 00:06:03,219
He goes to wash his hands.
Three pints, please, guv.
88
00:06:03,220 --> 00:06:05,779
You've got to remember
that he's trained
89
00:06:05,780 --> 00:06:09,400
until he's in the peak of condition
for washing his hands.
90
00:06:10,380 --> 00:06:13,039
He's, er...
91
00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:16,560
He's probably a black belt...
at washing his hands.
92
00:06:17,280 --> 00:06:19,979
One of the few Europeans...
93
00:06:19,980 --> 00:06:21,819
to have perfected the art...
94
00:06:21,820 --> 00:06:24,800
outside of Japan.
95
00:06:27,400 --> 00:06:30,259
Look, why don't
I get this round in, eh?
96
00:06:30,260 --> 00:06:32,120
Oh, 'eck, I never thought you'd ask.
97
00:06:34,320 --> 00:06:35,399
Hey, Norm!
98
00:06:35,400 --> 00:06:37,200
That's Ludovic.
99
00:06:39,380 --> 00:06:40,939
How's tha keepin', Ludovic?
100
00:06:40,940 --> 00:06:45,280
It is... It's Ludovic.
I thought I recognised the laugh.
101
00:06:48,140 --> 00:06:50,279
Yer come to these out-of-the-way
places
102
00:06:50,280 --> 00:06:53,279
where you feel sure
you'll not see anyone you know.
103
00:06:53,280 --> 00:06:56,319
Listen, Ludovic, if tha's doing
a bit on the side,
104
00:06:56,320 --> 00:06:59,080
if tha's seeing a bird,
we'll not say a word.
105
00:07:03,100 --> 00:07:04,299
Ta.
106
00:07:04,300 --> 00:07:06,279
That's what mates are for.
107
00:07:06,280 --> 00:07:10,399
I'm not with a woman, or meeting
one, I've never had another woman.
108
00:07:10,400 --> 00:07:12,959
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, Ludovic.
109
00:07:12,960 --> 00:07:17,600
No need to feel sorry, just make
it clear to your audience.
110
00:07:19,040 --> 00:07:23,760
Ah! It's all right, he's not seeing
another woman, carry on drinking.
111
00:07:26,600 --> 00:07:28,140
I wish it were that simple.
112
00:07:31,535 --> 00:07:35,694
Oh, you got them in?
I was going to get them in
after I'd washed my hands.
113
00:07:35,695 --> 00:07:36,914
Oh, dear!
114
00:07:36,915 --> 00:07:39,514
Isn't it marvellous
how he knows when he's safe?
115
00:07:39,515 --> 00:07:43,974
He's out of the shelter faster
than when they sound the All Clear.
116
00:07:43,975 --> 00:07:47,494
Hey. Who does that remind you of?
117
00:07:47,495 --> 00:07:49,395
Einstein? Eh? No?
118
00:07:50,415 --> 00:07:52,654
Go on, who does he remind you of?
119
00:07:52,655 --> 00:07:56,414
Ludovic, he looks just like him.
You remember Ludovic.
120
00:07:56,415 --> 00:07:58,795
It IS Luduvic, you daft pillock.
121
00:08:01,075 --> 00:08:05,174
Is it? Oh, well, I didn't know that,
did I? It's ages since I saw him.
122
00:08:05,175 --> 00:08:06,434
Anyway, he's changed.
123
00:08:06,435 --> 00:08:11,114
Look, if tha knows it's Ludovic,
how could he have changed?
124
00:08:11,115 --> 00:08:13,755
Well, I don't know really,
he looks more...
125
00:08:14,775 --> 00:08:15,914
Miserable?
126
00:08:15,915 --> 00:08:20,894
Yes. Well, it's not like Ludovic.
He was always such a...
127
00:08:20,895 --> 00:08:23,715
Twit? Aside from that.
128
00:08:24,895 --> 00:08:26,914
I wonder what his trouble is?
129
00:08:26,915 --> 00:08:28,694
It's none of our business, is it?
130
00:08:28,695 --> 00:08:30,994
True. Absolutely.
131
00:08:30,995 --> 00:08:34,914
I mean... it's not for us
to go poking our noses
132
00:08:34,915 --> 00:08:37,474
into a fellow's private affairs.
133
00:08:37,475 --> 00:08:38,875
No, no.
134
00:08:41,155 --> 00:08:44,194
What's wrong? What's the matter?
What's up?
135
00:08:44,195 --> 00:08:46,894
Come on, man, get if off your chest.
136
00:08:46,895 --> 00:08:48,474
Ay, tha'll feel better for it.
137
00:08:48,475 --> 00:08:50,194
I don't want to talk about it.
138
00:08:50,195 --> 00:08:52,974
Of course you want to talk
about it.
139
00:08:52,975 --> 00:08:56,414
No, I DON'T want to talk about it.
140
00:08:56,415 --> 00:08:58,754
Tell us and WE'LL talk about it.
141
00:08:58,755 --> 00:09:03,054
Don't take any notice of that,
it's just his warped sense of fun.
142
00:09:03,055 --> 00:09:07,195
Can't you see the man's tormented?
He wants a sympathetic ear.
143
00:09:08,655 --> 00:09:12,134
He wants the wisdom and experience
of the combat soldier.
144
00:09:12,135 --> 00:09:16,114
Now, Ludovic, you're not alone.
145
00:09:16,115 --> 00:09:19,614
Former Corporal Dewhirst
is at your service.
146
00:09:19,615 --> 00:09:21,275
Bog off, Foggy!
147
00:09:23,175 --> 00:09:25,515
He's got thee weighed up, Elsie!
148
00:09:26,555 --> 00:09:28,554
The man has no sense of style.
149
00:09:28,555 --> 00:09:32,114
Ahh... don't feel rejected Foggy,
we'll stick by you.
150
00:09:32,115 --> 00:09:34,955
And tell him why we'll stick by him.
151
00:09:35,735 --> 00:09:37,235
'Cos it's his round next.
152
00:09:39,335 --> 00:09:40,335
Y'know...
153
00:09:41,355 --> 00:09:43,674
Y'know... I can't forget
Raymond Holcroft.
154
00:09:43,675 --> 00:09:45,894
He had a look just like that
155
00:09:45,895 --> 00:09:49,394
the night before he went and did
something desperate. How desperate?
156
00:09:49,395 --> 00:09:52,754
He bought a boarding house
in Mablethorpe.
157
00:09:52,755 --> 00:09:53,894
Poor devil!
158
00:09:53,895 --> 00:09:55,294
Ugh!
159
00:09:55,295 --> 00:09:57,934
Cor, couldn't somebody tell him?
160
00:09:57,935 --> 00:09:59,174
People tried.
161
00:09:59,175 --> 00:10:01,814
You can't watch 'em 24 hours a day.
162
00:10:01,815 --> 00:10:04,235
That's terrible, I'nt it?
163
00:10:06,555 --> 00:10:09,354
Ludovic, if it's a boarding house,
don't do it.
164
00:10:09,355 --> 00:10:13,094
You what? More people have come
unstuck buying boarding houses...
165
00:10:13,095 --> 00:10:14,694
Oh, leave me alone.
166
00:10:14,695 --> 00:10:19,814
It may look like an easy way out,
but think of your relatives.
167
00:10:19,815 --> 00:10:21,054
Me relatives?
168
00:10:21,055 --> 00:10:25,554
They'll all be coming round, every
summer, expecting free holidays.
169
00:10:25,555 --> 00:10:28,994
Think of it, your relatives
dropping in for a whole week.
170
00:10:28,995 --> 00:10:33,995
Ludovic, before tha buys a
boarding house, ring the Samaritans.
171
00:10:35,235 --> 00:10:40,094
I don't want a flaming boarding
house, what would I do with it?
172
00:10:40,095 --> 00:10:41,875
I've got enough problems as it is.
173
00:10:43,275 --> 00:10:46,094
Eh... you ain't got a bird
in the family way, have yer?
174
00:10:46,095 --> 00:10:47,214
No, I 'aven't.
175
00:10:47,215 --> 00:10:49,374
Well, it's a start! Oops...
176
00:10:49,375 --> 00:10:50,555
The man's drunk.
177
00:10:50,855 --> 00:10:52,394
Only from the waist down.
178
00:10:52,395 --> 00:10:54,814
How dare you say I'm drunk?
179
00:10:54,815 --> 00:10:56,334
Steady, steady.
180
00:10:56,335 --> 00:10:58,754
He's had too many too fast,
that's his trouble.
181
00:10:58,755 --> 00:11:01,955
If thee 'ad been buying 'em,
that would have slowed 'im up.
182
00:11:03,295 --> 00:11:04,854
Just keep him upright.
183
00:11:04,855 --> 00:11:07,414
You go out for a quiet drink
184
00:11:07,415 --> 00:11:11,014
and the next thing you know,
you're struck by a falling Ludovic.
185
00:11:11,015 --> 00:11:14,534
Me legs! I can't feel me legs...
186
00:11:14,535 --> 00:11:16,534
Don't panic, they're still there.
187
00:11:16,535 --> 00:11:18,654
Are you sure? 'Ave you counted them?
188
00:11:18,655 --> 00:11:20,674
'Ow many is there supposed to be?
189
00:11:20,675 --> 00:11:23,615
Stop asking tricky questions.
190
00:11:27,975 --> 00:11:30,474
Here you go, boy, here you go...
191
00:11:30,475 --> 00:11:33,395
Come on, then,
have you got yourself up?
192
00:11:34,535 --> 00:11:35,754
Take it easy.
193
00:11:35,755 --> 00:11:39,534
I'm all right. I'm all right,
let go, I'm all right now. What?
194
00:11:39,535 --> 00:11:41,214
Are you sure?
195
00:11:41,215 --> 00:11:42,735
I'm sure I'm sure.
196
00:11:54,795 --> 00:11:58,155
All right, all right.
Anybody can make a mistake.
197
00:11:59,575 --> 00:12:00,835
Sit him on the wall.
198
00:12:04,055 --> 00:12:06,134
This'll do. Turn him round.
199
00:12:06,135 --> 00:12:08,395
Come on... that's it.
200
00:12:15,115 --> 00:12:17,875
All right, then, come on.
I'll buy you the other half.
201
00:12:24,015 --> 00:12:25,675
The other half?
202
00:12:31,855 --> 00:12:32,954
Oh, dear!
203
00:12:32,955 --> 00:12:34,315
Come on!
204
00:12:36,135 --> 00:12:38,835
Is it Wednesday? Does it matter?
205
00:12:42,655 --> 00:12:44,795
A-a-a-agh... Come on, then.
206
00:12:47,355 --> 00:12:51,115
Up... up... Oh, he's heavy!
I never liked Wednesdays.
207
00:12:53,015 --> 00:12:55,435
I found a fungus on me dahlias...
208
00:12:56,215 --> 00:12:58,234
That was on a Wednesday!
209
00:12:58,235 --> 00:13:02,575
We've got to slide him across
so that he's resting on his head.
210
00:13:03,155 --> 00:13:06,815
You make it sound REALLY peaceful,
Foggy... resting on his head!
211
00:13:07,035 --> 00:13:10,934
What he means is, shove him over
till his face is on the floor!
212
00:13:10,935 --> 00:13:12,875
Just do it!
213
00:13:20,655 --> 00:13:26,614
Last time I had a nose bleed...
that was on a Wednesday!
214
00:13:26,615 --> 00:13:32,434
Now we've got to twist him over
till his back's against the wall
instead of his stomach.
215
00:13:32,435 --> 00:13:36,195
How are you doing?
Never mind, just get on with it!
216
00:13:42,815 --> 00:13:47,354
I bet it's a Wednesday.
Just leave him there a minute.
217
00:13:47,355 --> 00:13:49,794
Tha can't leave him like that!
218
00:13:49,795 --> 00:13:53,374
Look, blood flowing to his head,
oxygen flowing to his brain...
219
00:13:53,375 --> 00:13:56,694
I know what I'm doing.
We all know what tha's doing.
220
00:13:56,695 --> 00:13:57,894
Tha's killing him.
221
00:13:57,895 --> 00:14:00,254
He's perfectly all right. Ask him.
222
00:14:00,255 --> 00:14:02,434
Shall I ask him, Norm?
223
00:14:02,435 --> 00:14:06,734
It's always been a rule of mine
never to speak to inverted drunks.
224
00:14:06,735 --> 00:14:09,514
He'll not be inverted long,
take his arms.
225
00:14:09,515 --> 00:14:12,875
Take his arm, Norm,
the Fuehrer has spoken.
226
00:14:17,135 --> 00:14:19,554
I'm not going home.
227
00:14:19,555 --> 00:14:24,855
Now, lift him up. Gently, gently.
You can't make me go home!
228
00:14:29,355 --> 00:14:31,015
It's simple, you see!
229
00:14:31,915 --> 00:14:35,454
Now, he's back seated comfortably
on the wall. Aye...
230
00:14:35,455 --> 00:14:39,795
Facing the WRONG way!
What does it matter which way?
231
00:14:44,415 --> 00:14:47,354
Every man's... got a right...
232
00:14:47,355 --> 00:14:49,695
not to go home...
233
00:14:50,855 --> 00:14:55,074
..and I'll fight... any man...
who says...
234
00:14:55,075 --> 00:14:58,055
I HAVE to go home!
235
00:15:01,535 --> 00:15:04,154
I can't go home, I can't go home.
236
00:15:04,155 --> 00:15:06,514
Not after what I've done,
I can't go home!
237
00:15:06,515 --> 00:15:09,794
Whatever it is, she'll forgive you.
She'll kill me!
238
00:15:09,795 --> 00:15:14,114
Hey, Ludovic... if tha's not going
home, where's tha going to go to?
239
00:15:14,115 --> 00:15:15,574
Anywhere...
240
00:15:15,575 --> 00:15:19,454
Mebbe...
I could lumberjack in Canada.
241
00:15:19,455 --> 00:15:21,195
Good idea, Ludovic.
242
00:15:21,295 --> 00:15:23,994
It'll make a change from
being a bingo caller.
243
00:15:23,995 --> 00:15:27,514
I could learn, I could learn,
and with a voice like mine,
244
00:15:27,515 --> 00:15:31,795
think how I could shout...
T-I-I-I-MBER!
245
00:15:38,135 --> 00:15:40,694
It's the humiliation I can't face.
246
00:15:40,695 --> 00:15:44,694
With a voice like that, you don't
'ave to be scared 'bout goin' home.
247
00:15:44,695 --> 00:15:47,774
Ha-ha! You could go anywhere
wi' that voice like that!
248
00:15:47,775 --> 00:15:50,295
Hah! You think you're humiliated?
249
00:15:51,835 --> 00:15:55,754
Imagine having to drive about
in this moth-eaten contraption.
250
00:15:55,755 --> 00:16:00,334
How do you think the owner of
this scrap heap must feel? Ha-ha!
251
00:16:00,335 --> 00:16:03,034
I AM the owner, you fool!
252
00:16:03,035 --> 00:16:07,754
Why do you think I feel HUMILIATED?
Get off! Stop it! Get off!
253
00:16:07,755 --> 00:16:11,734
Like your van, Ludovic.
It's a nice one, Ludovic.
254
00:16:11,735 --> 00:16:14,335
Get him off me, get him off!
255
00:16:16,975 --> 00:16:19,754
I'll be a laughing stock!
256
00:16:19,755 --> 00:16:24,374
People will come for miles around
to laugh at me vehicle!
257
00:16:24,375 --> 00:16:27,555
He let go just in time, you know.
258
00:16:28,355 --> 00:16:32,694
Another few seconds and I would've
had to start retaliating.
259
00:16:32,695 --> 00:16:37,394
Just look at him, unaware of what
a narrow squeak he's just had.
260
00:16:37,395 --> 00:16:42,255
That's true, Norm, he's unaware of
of the narrow squeak he's just had.
261
00:16:43,995 --> 00:16:48,954
It takes years of training to
remain passive under provocation.
262
00:16:48,955 --> 00:16:54,114
Unless you marry a Yorkshire woman,
then it can happen overnight!
263
00:16:54,115 --> 00:16:56,754
I've sworn an oath, you see,
264
00:16:56,755 --> 00:17:01,714
never to employ THIS
merely for personal gain.
265
00:17:01,715 --> 00:17:06,054
In the finest Bushido traditions,
we lower his temperature a bit.
266
00:17:06,055 --> 00:17:07,594
Leave it with me.
267
00:17:07,595 --> 00:17:11,454
Now is the time for the
Arts of Harmonious Co-existence.
268
00:17:11,455 --> 00:17:13,675
WHY?
269
00:17:14,895 --> 00:17:17,534
Why did it 'ave to 'appen to me?
270
00:17:17,535 --> 00:17:21,134
I'd no intention of buying
ANY such vehicle.
271
00:17:21,135 --> 00:17:25,354
I was just passing
a second-hand car showrooms.
272
00:17:25,355 --> 00:17:28,394
"Come in and 'ave a drink,"
they said.
273
00:17:28,395 --> 00:17:34,395
Calm yourself, Ludovic...
begin with DEEP breaths.
274
00:17:36,475 --> 00:17:39,775
Bog off with your deep breaths!
275
00:17:41,955 --> 00:17:44,034
Yes, this could be difficult.
276
00:17:44,035 --> 00:17:47,395
Now, if you see me adopting
one of the killing postures...
277
00:17:51,495 --> 00:17:53,254
..try to restrain me.
278
00:17:53,255 --> 00:17:57,234
Oh, LOOK at it! Look at it!
279
00:17:57,235 --> 00:18:00,754
Ludovic, on thy way to being
a lumberjack in Canada...
280
00:18:00,755 --> 00:18:04,174
could thou drop us off at
the Post Office? You'd ride...
281
00:18:04,175 --> 00:18:06,974
with me... in THIS?
282
00:18:06,975 --> 00:18:09,755
Why not? It's better'n walking.
283
00:18:13,475 --> 00:18:16,635
I'll not forget this!
My feelings exactly.
284
00:18:21,115 --> 00:18:24,054
Who's driving? I'M drivin'!
285
00:18:24,055 --> 00:18:27,234
You can't walk!
He doesn't have to, he's driving.
286
00:18:27,235 --> 00:18:29,794
He's not driving ME!
287
00:18:29,795 --> 00:18:36,114
I knew it! You're ashamed of it!
You're ashamed to be seen in it!
288
00:18:36,115 --> 00:18:39,414
No, it's not that.
Be honest, it's partly that.
289
00:18:39,415 --> 00:18:41,934
I'm not ashamed to be seen in it.
290
00:18:41,935 --> 00:18:44,194
I can understand that.
291
00:18:44,195 --> 00:18:47,555
The reason we won't drive
with you is because you're...
292
00:18:49,155 --> 00:18:54,194
Well, how shall I put this?
..smashed out of your tiny mind.
293
00:18:54,195 --> 00:18:57,475
But to prove we're not ashamed
to be seen in this... er...
294
00:18:59,075 --> 00:19:01,754
..vehicle, until you're sober,
Clegg will drive.
295
00:19:01,755 --> 00:19:06,034
Me? Only you have a licence.
Oh, that's a wicked thing to say!
296
00:19:06,035 --> 00:19:10,654
Can he drive this sort of thing?
Go on, tell him the truth.
297
00:19:10,655 --> 00:19:13,295
Yes, of course he can drive
this sort of thing!
298
00:19:17,795 --> 00:19:23,155
I can't even open the door!
You have to LIFT it off.
299
00:19:35,435 --> 00:19:36,834
They're sealing me in.
300
00:19:36,835 --> 00:19:40,295
In emergencies, you can
escape by the other door.
301
00:19:42,595 --> 00:19:44,075
No?
302
00:19:48,515 --> 00:19:50,814
The window... almost any window.
303
00:19:50,815 --> 00:19:55,115
What emergencies?
Don't worry about that.
304
00:19:56,675 --> 00:20:00,315
Hey, if you can't open the
other door, how do WE get in?
305
00:20:03,255 --> 00:20:06,115
By 'eck, this is better
than walking.
306
00:20:11,035 --> 00:20:14,215
He's all legs...
I've never seen such legs!
307
00:20:14,675 --> 00:20:18,455
They just keep comin'!
Careful what you're pulling!
308
00:20:20,955 --> 00:20:23,355
That's no place to handle
a trained soldier!
309
00:20:35,435 --> 00:20:37,574
You're going too fast!
310
00:20:37,575 --> 00:20:40,034
I'm only in third gear!
311
00:20:40,035 --> 00:20:44,854
You sly little beggar! Who told you
to move out of second?
312
00:20:44,855 --> 00:20:50,275
I can't stay in second gear!
You know I like second!
313
00:20:55,095 --> 00:20:57,674
Well, come along that, man,
get it started.
314
00:20:57,675 --> 00:21:00,674
I knew he'd get me
to do something tricky.
315
00:21:00,675 --> 00:21:04,535
Just turn the key! What's he doing?
What's he doing? He's starting it!
316
00:21:09,515 --> 00:21:14,235
You see, the engine's sweet enough.
It's just the body's a bit rough.
317
00:21:15,655 --> 00:21:17,434
What's tha looking at me for?
318
00:21:17,435 --> 00:21:20,974
Why's he lookin' at me when
he says the body's a bit rough?
319
00:21:20,975 --> 00:21:23,495
I don't find that unreasonable.
320
00:21:26,515 --> 00:21:29,534
We can't go now.
Someone's shooting at us!
321
00:21:29,535 --> 00:21:32,274
It's just a little exhaust gas.
322
00:21:32,275 --> 00:21:37,494
Come back, that man! It'll stop
banging as soon as you speed up!
323
00:21:37,495 --> 00:21:40,714
Speed?! Nobody said
anything about SPEED!
324
00:21:40,715 --> 00:21:43,995
Just put it into gear
and let's go!
325
00:21:50,635 --> 00:21:53,634
Oooh! I once had a boil
in a place like that!
326
00:21:53,635 --> 00:21:58,274
I don't like to be nosey...
but has he driven before?
327
00:21:58,275 --> 00:22:03,154
Of course he's driven before!
He's just a bit rusty.
328
00:22:03,155 --> 00:22:05,875
It'll soon come back to him.
329
00:22:21,695 --> 00:22:25,554
Look at the view!
I've looked at the view!
330
00:22:25,555 --> 00:22:29,774
We've come all this way to look
at the view, now LOOK AT THE VIEW!
331
00:22:29,775 --> 00:22:32,915
Look... I'm looking at the view!
332
00:22:48,435 --> 00:22:51,795
Well, come on, put your foot down,
open it up a bit!
333
00:23:00,855 --> 00:23:03,854
Is that OPEN enough for you?
334
00:23:03,855 --> 00:23:05,814
Me door! Me door!
335
00:23:05,815 --> 00:23:08,894
Well, all right, we'll pick it up
on the way back.
336
00:23:08,895 --> 00:23:11,335
We can't stop, we've only
just got him started.
337
00:23:12,715 --> 00:23:17,154
Is tha going to let this bloke by?
Bloke? What bloke?
338
00:23:17,155 --> 00:23:19,335
I can't see any vehicle.
339
00:23:19,615 --> 00:23:22,935
Oh, he's not in a vehicle,
he's on foot. Hee-hee!
340
00:23:24,415 --> 00:23:27,954
Suppose somebody...
nicks me door?!
341
00:23:27,955 --> 00:23:30,134
It's hardly likely, is it?
342
00:23:30,135 --> 00:23:33,814
It's the kind of ratty old door
that people could resist.
343
00:23:33,815 --> 00:23:36,574
You miss it, though, don't you?
344
00:23:36,575 --> 00:23:38,554
I can vouch for that!
345
00:23:38,555 --> 00:23:43,154
We'll go on at this exhilarating
speed for a time, then turn round.
346
00:23:43,155 --> 00:23:46,494
Turn round, you mean
I've got to turn round?
347
00:23:46,495 --> 00:23:48,834
Good heavens, now what's wrong?
348
00:23:48,835 --> 00:23:53,414
It's just the sneaky way
you spring things on people!
349
00:23:53,415 --> 00:23:58,315
Just drive it, you said, nobody
said anything about turning round.
350
00:24:03,635 --> 00:24:08,574
Hey, Ludovic, you'd better
get this thing fixed. It moves!
351
00:24:08,575 --> 00:24:13,314
It's supposed to move!
You release this catch here
352
00:24:13,315 --> 00:24:16,954
and this lot SPRINGS down
353
00:24:16,955 --> 00:24:20,934
and divides the cab in two
for privacy!
354
00:24:20,935 --> 00:24:23,474
It's very ingenious, is this.
355
00:24:23,475 --> 00:24:28,914
It's one of the factors which first
predisposed me towards this vehicle.
356
00:24:28,915 --> 00:24:32,474
I bet it don't work!
He could be right.
357
00:24:32,475 --> 00:24:36,314
He's a world-class expert
when it comes to not working.
358
00:24:36,315 --> 00:24:40,414
Bet it does work, this vehicle
isn't all rubbish, you know!
359
00:24:40,415 --> 00:24:42,674
I'm not a COMPLETE fool!
360
00:24:42,675 --> 00:24:47,114
With a bit more practice, though,
Ludovic, you'll be there in no time.
361
00:24:47,115 --> 00:24:52,055
Hee-hee! Just mind yer 'ead,
Clever Dick, and we'll have a try!
362
00:24:53,215 --> 00:24:58,515
If we do it now, won't it clout us?
Not if you get low enough down.
363
00:25:01,135 --> 00:25:03,695
Where are you going?
Just a minute.
364
00:25:04,655 --> 00:25:07,974
Well, I don't mind people
wincing at me drivin',
365
00:25:07,975 --> 00:25:12,034
but hiding out of sight
strikes me as tactless.
366
00:25:12,035 --> 00:25:14,255
Right-o, Ludovic, let her go!
367
00:25:17,635 --> 00:25:18,635
Agh!
368
00:25:20,855 --> 00:25:24,894
Oh... Well done, Ludovic.
I told you, I told you!
369
00:25:24,895 --> 00:25:27,955
Ay... spot on, Ludo! Ha-ha!
370
00:25:42,795 --> 00:25:47,875
An ejector seat... in a van!
Well, that's a novelty.
371
00:25:50,275 --> 00:25:53,914
It's one of the more attractive
features of the vehicle.
372
00:25:53,915 --> 00:25:56,655
It makes you feel
completely self-contained.
373
00:26:00,535 --> 00:26:03,134
HE SIGHS
374
00:26:03,135 --> 00:26:05,914
Listen at you, you bored already?!
375
00:26:05,915 --> 00:26:10,154
You are, admit it!
You're bored already!
376
00:26:10,155 --> 00:26:15,395
I wouldn't say bored.
Not exactly bored.
377
00:26:16,475 --> 00:26:20,674
Unless it's a pint, or a pigeon,
you've no interest in anything!
378
00:26:20,675 --> 00:26:25,975
If it hasn't got froth or feathers,
you just don't want to know!
379
00:26:38,535 --> 00:26:40,975
Have you seen a van?
380
00:26:43,035 --> 00:26:46,094
But who's driving it?!
381
00:26:46,095 --> 00:26:48,235
I am.
382
00:26:51,815 --> 00:26:55,015
It works like a charm, Ludovic!
383
00:26:56,895 --> 00:27:01,675
Yes... it's most impressive.
And solid too. Well, fairly solid.
384
00:27:02,775 --> 00:27:04,354
You all right in there, Clegg?
385
00:27:04,355 --> 00:27:07,735
You're going faster now,
I said you'd get the hang of it.
386
00:27:09,435 --> 00:27:15,054
Hey, Norm, there's some idiot
on a motorbike trying to pass us!
387
00:27:15,055 --> 00:27:17,095
Ignore him, Clegg, pay no attention.
388
00:27:20,835 --> 00:27:23,194
My God! Clegg...
389
00:27:23,195 --> 00:27:25,435
There's your double riding pillion!
390
00:27:27,135 --> 00:27:31,495
It's Nora - she's waving!
Hee-hee! How do, Nora?!
391
00:27:34,955 --> 00:27:37,775
It's quite amazing how much
that looks like Clegg.
392
00:27:47,395 --> 00:27:51,154
Norm... Norm...
Say something, Norm.
393
00:27:51,155 --> 00:27:53,795
NORM! NORM!
394
00:27:54,895 --> 00:27:57,935
If he's not there... WHO is?
395
00:28:00,155 --> 00:28:03,535
Get back in, come on,
get back in, come closer!
396
00:28:10,635 --> 00:28:13,855
Oh, Norm! Where are you, Norm?!
397
00:28:28,775 --> 00:28:33,134
Come back! Stop! Come back!
398
00:28:33,135 --> 00:28:39,335
Stop, stop, will you stop,
you stupid men?! Stop!
399
00:28:42,955 --> 00:28:45,854
What are they doing in there?
Ah, ah, ah...
400
00:28:45,855 --> 00:28:48,275
Stop! Oh, really!
31997
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