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1
00:00:35,180 --> 00:00:37,080
Come along, that man.
2
00:00:37,220 --> 00:00:39,360
I'm coming, I'm coming.
3
00:00:40,300 --> 00:00:42,480
Hands in pockets.
4
00:00:42,480 --> 00:00:45,240
Look at him - the end
of civilisation as we know it.
5
00:00:47,300 --> 00:00:49,400
Oh, VERY articulate.
6
00:00:49,400 --> 00:00:51,620
Been to elocution lessons,
have we?
7
00:00:51,620 --> 00:00:53,740
Hey Norm, why's he picking on me?
8
00:00:53,740 --> 00:00:55,860
Because he's a perfectionist.
9
00:00:55,860 --> 00:00:57,840
It's true. I am. I admit it.
10
00:00:58,040 --> 00:01:00,980
Perfectionist?
Is that why he never married?
11
00:01:00,980 --> 00:01:02,440
Possibly.
12
00:01:02,440 --> 00:01:05,260
It's not your business
why I never married.
13
00:01:05,260 --> 00:01:07,640
I don't wish to talk about it.
14
00:01:07,640 --> 00:01:10,480
Look at him! He's embarrassed.
15
00:01:10,480 --> 00:01:13,060
Shut up while I'm standing
to attention.
16
00:01:15,040 --> 00:01:19,340
I hate people talking to me
when I'm standing to attention.
17
00:01:19,720 --> 00:01:23,360
Standing to attention requires
all a chap's concentration.
18
00:01:23,360 --> 00:01:27,760
Y'know, for a perfectionist,
he's pretty weird!
19
00:01:29,120 --> 00:01:31,420
Only from the front.
20
00:01:36,640 --> 00:01:39,640
I hope you know what you're doing
with my mixer!
21
00:01:39,640 --> 00:01:43,080
That's what I like.
A vote of confidence.
22
00:01:43,080 --> 00:01:45,200
Why should I
be confident?
23
00:01:45,200 --> 00:01:48,180
You don't look
so damned confident.
24
00:01:48,180 --> 00:01:49,620
Yer tongue stickin' out.
25
00:01:49,620 --> 00:01:52,060
You look like a threadbare tyre.
26
00:01:52,060 --> 00:01:54,460
There you go - I've dropped a bit.
27
00:01:54,460 --> 00:01:55,920
It doesn't surprise me...
28
00:01:55,920 --> 00:01:59,440
You've the bearing of a clown
who's bound to drop a bit.
29
00:01:59,440 --> 00:02:02,040
I were all right while you were
in the kitchen.
30
00:02:02,040 --> 00:02:05,680
All right? You call THAT
"all right"?
31
00:02:05,680 --> 00:02:09,680
You've been at it two hours.
It's worse now than before!
32
00:02:09,680 --> 00:02:12,200
It's no problem,
I know where everything goes.
33
00:02:12,200 --> 00:02:15,340
You, for instance, you go straight
for the jugular.
34
00:02:15,340 --> 00:02:18,120
I feel I've married a Doberman.
35
00:02:18,120 --> 00:02:22,360
Ye-e-e-es. Well, all husbands
need a firm hand...
36
00:02:22,360 --> 00:02:26,540
on account of their having
their brains in their trousers.
37
00:02:27,600 --> 00:02:31,540
Why don't you go out more? You used
to go to your sister's regularly.
38
00:02:31,540 --> 00:02:33,140
Not in working hours.
39
00:02:33,140 --> 00:02:34,280
I'll manage.
40
00:02:34,280 --> 00:02:38,520
Since when? D'y'think I'd dare
leave you, you great dollop...
41
00:02:38,520 --> 00:02:40,420
running things on your own?
42
00:02:40,420 --> 00:02:42,020
I might surprise you.
43
00:02:42,020 --> 00:02:43,840
Yes, you did...once.
44
00:02:45,260 --> 00:02:50,040
And if I ever catch
you with her again,
I'll swing for you.
45
00:02:50,040 --> 00:02:51,820
You never let it drop,
do you?
46
00:02:51,920 --> 00:02:54,840
Well, you're dropping
enough for both of us.
47
00:02:56,380 --> 00:02:58,100
One little mistake.
48
00:02:58,820 --> 00:03:00,760
She certainly was.
49
00:03:00,760 --> 00:03:02,620
YEARS ago.
You never forget, do you?
50
00:03:02,740 --> 00:03:05,680
Tell me something,
will yer?
I usually have to.
51
00:03:05,680 --> 00:03:08,880
Why is it whenever I reach
for a screwdriver...
52
00:03:08,880 --> 00:03:09,980
or a...
Hey!
53
00:03:11,740 --> 00:03:15,060
Why is it that
whenever I reach
for a screwdriver or a spanner,
54
00:03:15,060 --> 00:03:18,540
this big, cheesy grin
comes over your face?
There it is!
55
00:03:18,540 --> 00:03:20,500
It's coming now.
56
00:03:20,500 --> 00:03:25,020
I can't help it.
I've seen the way you perform.
57
00:03:26,080 --> 00:03:29,660
And with a spanner and screwdriver,
you're even worse.
58
00:03:29,660 --> 00:03:35,000
In other words,
no matter what job I tackle,
you're convinced I'll fail.
59
00:03:35,000 --> 00:03:38,480
You classify me as
one of Nature's Big Tinkerbells.
60
00:03:38,480 --> 00:03:43,520
Give credit where it's due, love.
You've earned it.
61
00:03:43,520 --> 00:03:48,020
Then how come
you're not so relaxed when
I'm chatting with another woman?
62
00:03:48,020 --> 00:03:51,960
Eh?
There you are! Your grin's gone.
Wiped off in an instant.
63
00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:55,960
I'll wipe YOU off if I catch you
chatting up another woman.
64
00:03:55,960 --> 00:03:57,780
Now come on, it's a fair question.
65
00:03:57,780 --> 00:04:01,160
Why don't you see me then
as some great dollop...
66
00:04:01,160 --> 00:04:04,480
with more spanner than
he knows what to do with?
67
00:04:04,480 --> 00:04:09,040
It's just a rhetorical question. I
only ask in a spirit of pure enquiry.
68
00:04:09,860 --> 00:04:13,220
Why? I'll tell you why!
69
00:04:13,220 --> 00:04:15,420
Big dollop you may be...
70
00:04:15,420 --> 00:04:18,060
but you're MY big dollop,
71
00:04:18,060 --> 00:04:19,740
and don't you forget it!
72
00:04:25,160 --> 00:04:28,680
She's playful with a tray full,
is your Ivy!
73
00:04:29,520 --> 00:04:32,060
It'll only be
a mild concussion, Sidney.
74
00:04:32,060 --> 00:04:33,920
I'll tell you something.
75
00:04:33,920 --> 00:04:37,780
Someone's going to dig up
this skull in 1,000,000 years,
76
00:04:37,780 --> 00:04:43,240
and come to the conclusion
that there was a breed of
Yorkshiremen with very flat heads.
77
00:04:43,920 --> 00:04:47,700
For which, of course,
the flat cap had to be invented.
78
00:04:47,700 --> 00:04:49,760
Why d'you think she does it, Sid?
79
00:04:49,760 --> 00:04:52,700
Apart from the fact
that she enjoys it?
80
00:04:52,700 --> 00:04:54,480
Because she cares.
81
00:04:56,760 --> 00:04:59,360
If she didn't, would she hit me
with a tray?
82
00:04:59,360 --> 00:05:02,640
It's Nelson Eddy and
Jeanette MacDonald. Exactly.
83
00:05:02,640 --> 00:05:05,420
See what tha's missed,
never being married?
84
00:05:05,420 --> 00:05:07,280
Yes, I never realised.
85
00:05:07,280 --> 00:05:09,920
All those lonely evenings
in the barrackroom...
86
00:05:09,920 --> 00:05:13,980
after a hard day's warfare,
you browse through the library
87
00:05:13,980 --> 00:05:16,080
in the Salvation Army canteen,
88
00:05:16,080 --> 00:05:19,320
reading those manuals
on Christian marriage.
89
00:05:19,320 --> 00:05:23,180
Not one of them mentioned
you needed a tray.
90
00:05:23,180 --> 00:05:25,460
'Ere, have this on the house.
91
00:05:25,460 --> 00:05:27,220
That's very generous.
92
00:05:28,580 --> 00:05:32,880
How come he's the only
one to get a cup of tea and
a sticky bun, buckshee?
93
00:05:34,280 --> 00:05:36,700
You've got to admire talent
when you see it.
94
00:05:36,700 --> 00:05:38,700
WHAT talent?
95
00:05:38,700 --> 00:05:41,060
Not getting married. For ever.
96
00:05:41,060 --> 00:05:48,260
Imagine! Unjoined in wedlock
for all eternity.
I put my career first, that's all.
97
00:05:48,260 --> 00:05:52,480
He's so modest with it.
He never brags about it.
98
00:05:52,480 --> 00:05:55,060
If it was me, I'd go around
telling everybody.
99
00:05:55,060 --> 00:05:56,660
I'd wear a badge.
100
00:05:56,660 --> 00:05:58,300
Nothing to it, really.
101
00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:04,040
I wish you wouldn't...please...
all stare at me.
102
00:06:04,040 --> 00:06:06,880
It's very embarrassing, y'know,
having people...
103
00:06:14,260 --> 00:06:16,160
He's gone again.
104
00:07:07,549 --> 00:07:11,469
Does he often do this?
We think it's psychological.
105
00:07:11,469 --> 00:07:13,769
It sort of rests his brain.
106
00:07:13,769 --> 00:07:17,569
He's got the sort of brain
that needs a lot of restin'.
107
00:07:17,569 --> 00:07:20,149
It's a kind of trance-like state.
108
00:07:20,149 --> 00:07:23,829
A method of deep meditation
known only to soldiers
109
00:07:23,829 --> 00:07:25,929
and certain Buddhist monks.
110
00:07:27,429 --> 00:07:30,409
How d'you get him out of it?
We don't bother.
111
00:07:30,409 --> 00:07:35,169
We like him like that.
DON'T WE? EH?
112
00:07:36,389 --> 00:07:37,489
'Ey up! Look!
113
00:07:37,489 --> 00:07:41,129
Sidney is mending his hair-drier.
Y'cheeky thing!
114
00:07:41,129 --> 00:07:44,409
It's not a hair-drier,
buffoon, it's a foodmixer.
115
00:07:44,409 --> 00:07:46,329
You're in a right mess there.
116
00:07:48,709 --> 00:07:51,589
Ohh, I see. That's how
he comes out of it.
117
00:07:51,589 --> 00:07:57,329
Summoned back to reality by an
irresistible call to poke his nose
into somebody else's business.
118
00:07:57,329 --> 00:08:00,649
I'm sure I've no wish to interfere.
Well, put it down, then.
119
00:08:02,769 --> 00:08:05,289
The man's in a complete panic.
120
00:08:05,289 --> 00:08:08,289
You can always tell
the mechanical novice.
121
00:08:14,029 --> 00:08:15,969
Who's got a sticky bum then?!
122
00:08:17,509 --> 00:08:20,909
How often have I told you
never to take me by surprise?
123
00:08:20,909 --> 00:08:23,229
Norm, he's strangling me!
124
00:08:23,229 --> 00:08:24,709
Only at one end.
125
00:08:24,709 --> 00:08:32,129
You take your life into your own
hands, I'm inclined to go straight
for the spine.
126
00:08:32,129 --> 00:08:34,649
I'm inclined to go straight for
the scream.
127
00:08:34,649 --> 00:08:39,929
I was the Battalion's expert at
the silent snapping of the spine.
128
00:08:39,929 --> 00:08:43,449
Well, I was known in Linoleum
for the silent scream.
129
00:08:43,449 --> 00:08:49,189
Many of my colleagues described it
as a whimper, but underneath
it was a genuine scream.
130
00:08:49,189 --> 00:08:51,889
We were a grand bunch of killers.
131
00:08:51,889 --> 00:08:54,349
We still exchange Christmas cards.
132
00:08:54,349 --> 00:08:56,949
Amongst them, I was known
by the nickname...
133
00:08:56,949 --> 00:08:58,609
Cobblers!
134
00:09:00,129 --> 00:09:03,289
No, that was not the name
I had in mind.
135
00:09:04,109 --> 00:09:06,049
Hello.
136
00:09:12,269 --> 00:09:15,509
Hello, Wally.
Nothing to do at home?
137
00:09:15,509 --> 00:09:19,149
That's right, go on, get nasty.
138
00:09:19,149 --> 00:09:21,869
What did I say that's nasty?
139
00:09:21,869 --> 00:09:23,209
You said 'OME!
140
00:09:24,169 --> 00:09:28,169
A bloke sneaks out for a few
minutes to try and forget.
141
00:09:28,169 --> 00:09:31,769
Next minute, some clown's
remindin' 'im of 'ome.
142
00:09:31,769 --> 00:09:35,549
Givin' yer a 'ard time,
is she, Wal? Isn't she ever?
143
00:09:35,549 --> 00:09:39,349
I keep tellin' thee.
Send 'er round to my place.
144
00:09:39,349 --> 00:09:45,469
An' I keep tellin' thee. Get it
done up a bit and maybe she'll come!
145
00:09:45,469 --> 00:09:52,029
'Ey up, I should need a firmer
promise than that, Wal,
before I went to any expense.
146
00:09:52,029 --> 00:09:55,249
Aye, there's always a snag.
147
00:09:55,249 --> 00:09:59,089
Have yer ever...er...
Ever thought about leavin' her?
148
00:09:59,089 --> 00:10:00,809
'Ow can I?
149
00:10:00,809 --> 00:10:03,829
She's reduced me brain to jelly.
150
00:10:04,749 --> 00:10:07,309
I'm dependent on 'er.
151
00:10:07,309 --> 00:10:08,849
Know what yer mean.
152
00:10:08,849 --> 00:10:13,109
Not so much a marriage,
more a life support machine.
153
00:10:13,109 --> 00:10:16,829
I think that's pathetic.
Don't you think that's...
154
00:10:16,829 --> 00:10:20,849
Don't you think that's pathetic?
Listen, stereo mouth!
155
00:10:20,849 --> 00:10:24,169
Wait till tha's tried it
before tha criticises.
156
00:10:24,169 --> 00:10:25,889
I've tried everythin'.
157
00:10:26,169 --> 00:10:29,889
Rowing, lies, deceit...
158
00:10:29,889 --> 00:10:31,249
obedience.
159
00:10:31,249 --> 00:10:33,889
I'm sure marriage needn't
be like that.
160
00:10:33,889 --> 00:10:36,029
Norm was married.
161
00:10:36,029 --> 00:10:39,889
Only once. You can't expect an
expert opinion from only once.
162
00:10:39,889 --> 00:10:41,989
You were married 30 years!
163
00:10:41,989 --> 00:10:44,329
You had to make things last
in those days.
164
00:10:45,429 --> 00:10:47,949
It's not 'ow long yer married,
165
00:10:47,949 --> 00:10:50,249
it's who you're married to.
166
00:10:50,249 --> 00:10:52,189
True!
167
00:10:52,189 --> 00:10:55,329
It's like a postin' to
the Gold Coast.
168
00:10:55,329 --> 00:10:56,809
What is?
169
00:10:56,809 --> 00:10:59,569
Bein' married to our Nora.
170
00:10:59,569 --> 00:11:01,369
Hot and sultry, is she, Wal?
171
00:11:01,369 --> 00:11:03,029
Is she 'ell.
172
00:11:03,029 --> 00:11:04,589
It's none of your business.
173
00:11:04,589 --> 00:11:08,229
Course it is! I've got my name
down for 'er.
174
00:11:09,589 --> 00:11:12,049
She's not a council house!
175
00:11:12,049 --> 00:11:16,789
The, er...
the shape's not dissimilar.
176
00:11:17,449 --> 00:11:19,869
Why the Gold Coast?
177
00:11:19,869 --> 00:11:23,189
Well, it's the White Man's Grave.
178
00:11:23,189 --> 00:11:27,669
It's a terrible dangerous climate
for servin' yer time in.
179
00:11:27,669 --> 00:11:31,369
One year there used to count double.
180
00:11:31,369 --> 00:11:34,809
Yes, some of us gave our health
and strength to the Empire.
181
00:11:34,809 --> 00:11:37,789
And some gave it Woodbines
and funny women.
182
00:11:37,789 --> 00:11:42,389
Tha's lost the Empire,
but I've still got Woodbines
and funny women.
183
00:11:43,609 --> 00:11:47,289
You really shouldered
the white man's burden. I did, Norm.
184
00:11:47,289 --> 00:11:49,229
White? You call that white?
185
00:11:49,229 --> 00:11:51,109
Here, Wally, 'ave a cuppa.
186
00:11:51,229 --> 00:11:54,249
No, ta,
I 'aven't got time.
187
00:11:54,249 --> 00:11:56,089
What did yer
come in for?
188
00:11:56,089 --> 00:11:58,369
Nothin' really.
189
00:11:58,369 --> 00:12:02,589
Just to prove I can
still do it.
190
00:12:02,589 --> 00:12:03,949
Do what?
191
00:12:03,949 --> 00:12:06,209
Sneak out past our Nora.
192
00:12:07,169 --> 00:12:11,169
It's gettin' 'arder every day
to sneak out past our Nora.
193
00:12:11,709 --> 00:12:13,409
Well...
194
00:12:13,409 --> 00:12:17,649
I'd best be gettin' back
to the White Man's Grave.
195
00:12:21,109 --> 00:12:24,509
Poor old Wally.
I think it's very sad.
196
00:12:24,509 --> 00:12:26,529
I think it's pathetic.
197
00:12:26,529 --> 00:12:29,569
I think it serves him right
for living with the woman I love.
198
00:12:30,069 --> 00:12:32,649
All he has to do is assert himself.
199
00:12:32,649 --> 00:12:37,949
There's no such thing as certs.
You learn that with horse-racing.
200
00:12:37,949 --> 00:12:40,049
A-ssert! A-ssert!
201
00:12:40,049 --> 00:12:41,509
All fall down.
202
00:12:46,389 --> 00:12:50,529
It means to express
one's personality forcefully.
203
00:12:50,529 --> 00:12:55,829
It means little Wally Batty
suddenly becoming a kamikaze pilot.
204
00:12:55,829 --> 00:12:58,169
He needs to put his foot down.
205
00:12:58,169 --> 00:13:03,349
Have you seen the size of him?
How much further down can he get?
206
00:13:03,349 --> 00:13:07,629
Not all leaders of men
have to be my size.
207
00:13:07,629 --> 00:13:10,589
Napoleon wasn't exactly tall.
208
00:13:10,589 --> 00:13:13,729
But he wasn't married
to Nora Batty either, was 'e?
209
00:13:14,169 --> 00:13:17,549
She'd have given 'im
"Not tonight, Josephine"!
210
00:13:17,549 --> 00:13:20,549
Wey-hey! Oh, ha, ha, ha!
211
00:13:20,549 --> 00:13:22,669
NOT TONIGHT, JOSEPHINE!
212
00:13:32,129 --> 00:13:33,269
No-one there.
213
00:13:33,269 --> 00:13:37,849
Oh well - that's it then.
He'll be working in the back.
214
00:13:37,849 --> 00:13:40,669
Oh well, if he's busy...
215
00:13:41,989 --> 00:13:44,509
Come back. Stop chickening out.
216
00:13:45,449 --> 00:13:48,289
I don't know what makes you think
I'm chickening out.
217
00:13:48,289 --> 00:13:53,349
It's just an impression
you get from those beads of sweat
on your forehead.
218
00:13:53,349 --> 00:13:56,509
And the nervous twitch.
219
00:13:56,509 --> 00:14:00,009
I don't twitch.
Understand that I don't twitch!
220
00:14:01,809 --> 00:14:04,449
Sometimes what may look
to the layman like a twitch
221
00:14:04,449 --> 00:14:08,389
is simply an expert
in the martial arts doing a few...
222
00:14:08,389 --> 00:14:10,469
isometric exercises.
223
00:14:12,029 --> 00:14:16,549
You don't have to go leaping about
with your legs in the air
for a bit of exercise.
224
00:14:17,369 --> 00:14:20,449
Those of us who were, hem-hem,
in the Commandos...
225
00:14:20,449 --> 00:14:24,429
learned how to do it
with very small muscle movements.
226
00:14:24,429 --> 00:14:26,909
I used the same system at work.
227
00:14:28,129 --> 00:14:29,429
Look at that.
228
00:14:31,429 --> 00:14:34,229
That may look to you like a twitch.
229
00:14:34,229 --> 00:14:40,649
Actually, what it is
is a little-known Oriental method
for making the top lip rock hard.
230
00:14:42,649 --> 00:14:47,289
Find it very useful, do you?
Having your top lip rock hard?
231
00:14:47,289 --> 00:14:51,149
You never know
when it might come in handy.
232
00:14:51,149 --> 00:14:56,569
Why don't you use it to chop down
the door instead of using the bell?
233
00:14:56,569 --> 00:15:01,349
You needn't think I'm afraid
to ring Nora Batty's doorbell.
234
00:15:03,149 --> 00:15:08,749
Absolutely fearless, these people
with rock hard top lips.
235
00:15:11,049 --> 00:15:13,429
All I'll do is ask for Wally.
236
00:15:14,549 --> 00:15:18,749
I mean, you want us to help Wally
to get out occasionally.
237
00:15:18,749 --> 00:15:22,209
Well, I still say the simplest
and most effective way
238
00:15:22,209 --> 00:15:25,289
is to march straight up
to the house and call for him.
239
00:15:25,289 --> 00:15:30,249
Just explain to the woman
that we've called for her husband.
240
00:15:30,249 --> 00:15:32,729
Well, GET ON WITH IT!
241
00:15:32,729 --> 00:15:35,049
All right, I'm going, I'm going.
242
00:15:39,469 --> 00:15:43,189
I mean, after all, he's still
a free human being.
243
00:15:43,189 --> 00:15:46,429
She can't actually refuse
to let him come out.
244
00:15:51,909 --> 00:15:54,289
Is the bell working, do you know?
245
00:15:54,289 --> 00:15:56,989
Why ask you?
What do you know about working?
246
00:16:01,409 --> 00:16:03,829
I'm going to ring the bell.
247
00:16:03,829 --> 00:16:06,989
Hey! Wow! Ring the bell!
248
00:16:06,989 --> 00:16:12,269
Single-handed!
Ring Nora Batty's bell! Can't look!
249
00:16:12,269 --> 00:16:14,789
Stop fooling about!
250
00:16:14,789 --> 00:16:16,529
Who's fooling?
251
00:16:18,889 --> 00:16:21,189
Hold it! Hold it! What's wrong?!
252
00:16:21,189 --> 00:16:25,109
I just want to make sure
that you're quite sure about this.
253
00:16:25,109 --> 00:16:27,529
Will you stand there and be quiet!
254
00:16:31,969 --> 00:16:33,529
RING
255
00:16:37,629 --> 00:16:41,689
Is it all over yet? Could be.
She don't mess about.
256
00:16:41,689 --> 00:16:42,949
Well?
257
00:16:44,409 --> 00:16:47,529
I wondered if...
What do you want?
258
00:16:47,529 --> 00:16:48,929
..if Wally was...
259
00:16:48,929 --> 00:16:50,929
My Wally? What about my Wally?
260
00:16:50,929 --> 00:16:54,609
..coming out to play?
261
00:16:54,609 --> 00:16:59,969
You great tomfool! No, 'e isn't
coming out to play!
262
00:16:59,969 --> 00:17:03,769
He's got work to do and
I'll thank you not to interfere!
263
00:17:04,949 --> 00:17:07,169
Ye get dafter, you lot!
264
00:17:07,169 --> 00:17:11,509
'Ey up, Nora. I don't care for you
hitting other fellows with our mop.
265
00:17:11,509 --> 00:17:15,189
You're weird. YOU'RE ALL WEIRD!
266
00:17:21,589 --> 00:17:23,049
Come on!
267
00:17:30,889 --> 00:17:33,229
I don't know what possessed me.
268
00:17:33,229 --> 00:17:37,829
I-I went completely blank. Aaaah!
269
00:17:37,829 --> 00:17:40,809
You fell under
Nora's powerful spell.
270
00:17:40,809 --> 00:17:42,889
She does the same to me, mind you.
271
00:17:42,889 --> 00:17:45,589
My mind is often blank.
272
00:17:45,589 --> 00:17:48,869
Completely blank.
Oh, blanker than that.
273
00:17:48,869 --> 00:17:52,189
Well, I'm not ringing
the bell again.
274
00:17:56,109 --> 00:17:58,469
Wait a minute.
We don't have to ring the bell.
275
00:17:58,469 --> 00:18:04,029
We smuggle Wally from the back
and sneak 'im past the house.
276
00:18:04,029 --> 00:18:05,729
Past the house?
277
00:18:05,729 --> 00:18:09,589
You mean, try and sneak him
past Nora's house?
278
00:18:09,589 --> 00:18:11,349
It's a challenge!
279
00:18:11,349 --> 00:18:13,169
It's suicide!
280
00:18:13,169 --> 00:18:16,129
It's his only way out.
281
00:18:27,489 --> 00:18:29,469
Unroll that!
282
00:18:35,649 --> 00:18:37,449
'Ow do, Wally?
283
00:18:37,449 --> 00:18:41,609
Sssh!
She'll be back in a minute.
284
00:18:43,329 --> 00:18:45,229
Now don't get it
wet through.
285
00:18:45,229 --> 00:18:47,449
Not too much liquid.
286
00:18:47,449 --> 00:18:49,309
Plenty of elbow grease.
287
00:18:49,309 --> 00:18:52,669
You'll be surprised
how much the colour comes up.
288
00:18:52,669 --> 00:18:55,029
That's Wally in a nutshell.
289
00:18:55,029 --> 00:18:57,649
He looks like somebody
who'd be surprised
290
00:18:57,649 --> 00:19:00,549
if anything colourful came up.
291
00:19:00,549 --> 00:19:02,549
I've always
liked this carpet.
292
00:19:02,549 --> 00:19:05,649
You've always
liked it scrubbing.
293
00:19:06,889 --> 00:19:12,149
Correction - I've always
liked it scrubbing WELL!
294
00:19:16,429 --> 00:19:20,069
Cheer up, Wal.
We'll spring thee somehow!
295
00:19:20,069 --> 00:19:25,669
It's 'opeless.
Don't put yerself at risk.
296
00:19:28,209 --> 00:19:29,469
Where's tha going?
297
00:19:30,309 --> 00:19:34,449
You heard. He doesn't want us
to put ourselves at risk.
298
00:19:34,449 --> 00:19:37,129
He's probably lying.
299
00:19:37,129 --> 00:19:39,189
We needn't assume he was lying.
300
00:19:39,189 --> 00:19:42,849
I've always found him
to be honest, sober and reliable.
301
00:19:42,849 --> 00:19:45,029
Only because she won't let him out.
302
00:19:45,029 --> 00:19:48,049
Once he gets out, he's not honest,
sober and reliable.
303
00:19:48,049 --> 00:19:50,509
He's just like anybody else.
304
00:19:50,509 --> 00:19:52,369
Don't worry about me.
305
00:19:52,369 --> 00:19:55,229
Off you go and enjoy yourselves.
306
00:19:55,229 --> 00:20:00,769
Ohhh, I'll stay 'ere
and be honest, sober and reliable.
307
00:20:00,769 --> 00:20:04,229
Aw! It breaks your heart.
308
00:20:04,229 --> 00:20:07,229
I've got it!
We'll put in a substitute.
309
00:20:08,609 --> 00:20:13,089
She'll look through the window,
see somebody Wally's size
scrubbing the carpet,
310
00:20:13,089 --> 00:20:15,409
think it's him and go away again.
311
00:20:15,409 --> 00:20:19,389
There IS nobody Wally's size.
312
00:20:19,389 --> 00:20:22,269
There never has been
anybody Wally's size.
313
00:20:24,989 --> 00:20:27,129
ROUGHLY Wally's size.
314
00:20:31,669 --> 00:20:37,909
No-o! No. No. No. No.
It won't work.
315
00:20:37,909 --> 00:20:40,729
It will if tha keeps
tha back turned. Wally!
316
00:20:40,729 --> 00:20:44,789
It's a far, far better thing you do.
317
00:20:44,789 --> 00:20:47,869
Now, give us time to get 'im away.
318
00:20:47,869 --> 00:20:49,649
Put yer arm in.
319
00:20:49,649 --> 00:20:54,369
By the time she finds out it's you,
it's too late. He's gone.
320
00:20:54,369 --> 00:20:57,389
Get scrubbin'.
Then what happens to me?
321
00:20:57,389 --> 00:20:59,889
'Ey up! Do I have to think
of everything?
322
00:21:01,429 --> 00:21:02,729
No, but...
323
00:21:07,529 --> 00:21:11,929
When she tackles you,
don't look at her eyes.
324
00:21:11,929 --> 00:21:13,969
Try not to look at her eyes.
325
00:21:25,389 --> 00:21:29,969
Stop scrubbing for a minute.
Give me a lift upstairs with these.
326
00:21:34,209 --> 00:21:36,369
Are you deaf?!
327
00:21:36,369 --> 00:21:38,529
Give me a hand upstairs!
328
00:21:48,209 --> 00:21:50,249
Will you move yourself!
329
00:22:00,589 --> 00:22:03,449
We'll never get our bedroom done
at this rate!
330
00:22:09,169 --> 00:22:11,189
Her bedroom done?
331
00:22:11,189 --> 00:22:16,449
'Ey up, Wally! He's going up
to the bedroom with our Nora.
332
00:22:16,449 --> 00:22:18,729
I've been thinking about that.
333
00:22:18,729 --> 00:22:21,369
Well? WELL?
334
00:22:22,809 --> 00:22:25,369
Why don't we go for a drink?
335
00:22:36,309 --> 00:22:40,029
It was horrible. Horrible! Oh...
Give this lad a drink, Sid.
336
00:22:40,029 --> 00:22:45,149
He has just broken the unofficial
record for climbing Nora's stairs.
337
00:22:45,149 --> 00:22:48,489
How are you goin'
to get me back inside?
338
00:22:48,489 --> 00:22:50,569
We'll get you back inside.
339
00:22:50,569 --> 00:22:52,389
I wish I'd never escaped.
340
00:22:52,389 --> 00:22:56,349
I might 'ave got time off
for good behaviour.
341
00:22:56,349 --> 00:22:58,009
It was horrible. Horrible!
342
00:22:58,009 --> 00:23:00,549
Told you not to look in her eyes.
343
00:23:00,549 --> 00:23:03,809
The wallpapers - that's all
I dared look at. The wallpapers.
344
00:23:03,809 --> 00:23:06,989
She drives fellas wild.
345
00:23:06,989 --> 00:23:09,289
I daren't look at 'er eyes.
346
00:23:09,929 --> 00:23:13,089
I 'ave to keep looking
at them wrinkled stockings. U-ugh!
347
00:23:13,829 --> 00:23:17,689
Oooh! Them wrinkled stockings!
If it weren't for them...
348
00:23:17,689 --> 00:23:20,989
a fella could go totally bananas!
349
00:23:20,989 --> 00:23:23,389
Tha's ALWAYS been totally bananas.
350
00:23:23,389 --> 00:23:27,029
Listen. Mend thee hair-drier
and belt up!
351
00:23:27,029 --> 00:23:30,129
Who is this mechanical person?
Hands off.
352
00:23:30,129 --> 00:23:32,929
Hans Hoff? That's who he is!
353
00:23:32,929 --> 00:23:35,749
Sounds like a German name to me.
Ja! Ja!
354
00:23:35,749 --> 00:23:41,289
Ha-ha! In which case, that is
probably a cuckoo clock! Ja!
355
00:23:41,289 --> 00:23:43,289
D'you know, I'm glad you came in.
356
00:23:43,289 --> 00:23:46,289
It really makes my day
when you three 'erberts come in.
357
00:23:46,289 --> 00:23:48,589
Why don't you just bog off?
358
00:23:48,589 --> 00:23:52,569
There 'e goes, buttering up
his regular customers again.
359
00:23:52,569 --> 00:23:55,929
Attempting to creep his way
into Egon Ronay.
360
00:23:55,929 --> 00:23:58,089
Ohhh! You lot again.
361
00:23:58,089 --> 00:23:59,929
This must be Frau Hoff!
362
00:24:01,209 --> 00:24:03,369
WHAT off?!
363
00:24:03,369 --> 00:24:05,129
You can clear off!
364
00:24:05,129 --> 00:24:06,669
What's up with 'im? Ssssh!
365
00:24:06,669 --> 00:24:09,149
He's under the spell of...
NORA BATTY!
366
00:24:09,149 --> 00:24:12,609
WHERE? WHERE?
It's all right. She's not here.
367
00:24:12,609 --> 00:24:16,749
I managed to get through the war
without any psychological
disturbances,
368
00:24:16,749 --> 00:24:20,509
but, my God,
that woman is terrifying!
369
00:24:20,509 --> 00:24:25,849
She's sexy with it.
I can't say I've noticed that.
You've not been payin' attention.
370
00:24:25,849 --> 00:24:29,149
Why is it, when there's so many
wonderful things in this world,
371
00:24:29,149 --> 00:24:32,089
that the opposite sex
has to be men?
372
00:24:33,809 --> 00:24:37,209
Have you mended it?
Or do I kill myself
doing it by hand?
373
00:24:37,209 --> 00:24:39,129
It's done. It's done.
374
00:24:39,129 --> 00:24:41,569
About time too.
375
00:24:41,569 --> 00:24:46,209
Hey-up! Sidney has mended a mixer!
I still think it's a cuckoo clock.
376
00:24:46,209 --> 00:24:49,589
Has he any bits left over?
He's the type to have bits left.
377
00:24:49,589 --> 00:24:51,509
Why don't
you lot trot off?
378
00:24:52,289 --> 00:24:54,249
Am I going
to turn it on
or are you?
379
00:24:54,249 --> 00:24:57,749
I'll turn it on.
Stand back,
I'll turn it on.
380
00:24:57,749 --> 00:25:00,149
Fearless. Absolutely fearless.
381
00:25:00,149 --> 00:25:03,449
Well, go on then!
All right, all right.
382
00:25:06,789 --> 00:25:10,369
I knew it!
Ah! Bravo! Bravo, Sidney!
383
00:25:11,689 --> 00:25:14,869
I-I'm nonplussed,
I really am,
I'm totally nonplussed.
384
00:25:14,869 --> 00:25:19,049
D'you think
it might help
if you plugged it in?
385
00:25:19,049 --> 00:25:20,189
Aww! Aww!
386
00:25:20,189 --> 00:25:22,229
I knew there was
a simple explanation.
387
00:25:22,229 --> 00:25:24,589
I've done a professional job
on this.
388
00:25:24,589 --> 00:25:27,389
He's done
a professional job on this.
389
00:25:27,389 --> 00:25:29,189
Wow! A professional job!
390
00:25:29,189 --> 00:25:31,809
Looks like a bungler to me.
Look at the expression.
391
00:25:31,809 --> 00:25:33,929
That's a bungler's expression.
392
00:25:33,929 --> 00:25:37,029
50% hope, 50% fear.
393
00:25:52,029 --> 00:25:54,369
Tha ought to have that put down.
394
00:25:59,129 --> 00:26:00,789
It's cruel, is that.
395
00:26:00,789 --> 00:26:05,789
I can't understand it.
It-it needs a slight adjustment.
396
00:26:05,789 --> 00:26:08,409
I've nearly got it right, Ivy.
Ivy, NOT the bowl...
397
00:26:08,409 --> 00:26:11,209
NEARLY GOT IT RIGHT? NEARLY?!
398
00:26:13,629 --> 00:26:17,069
I told you it was a cuckoo clock.
399
00:26:22,949 --> 00:26:24,309
Come on, Wally.
400
00:26:24,309 --> 00:26:26,449
We'll sneak thee back in no time.
401
00:26:31,849 --> 00:26:33,189
I feel so stupid!
402
00:26:33,189 --> 00:26:37,409
Why should you feel stupid? Who's
going to recognise you in a pram?
403
00:26:37,409 --> 00:26:40,529
Oooh, there's not a lot of room.
404
00:26:42,769 --> 00:26:45,109
You'll only be in a few minutes.
405
00:26:45,109 --> 00:26:48,989
We'll take you to your pigeon shed.
Then you can get out.
406
00:26:48,989 --> 00:26:51,969
She'll think tha's been
with your pigeons all the time.
407
00:26:56,249 --> 00:26:58,449
What are you lot doing with a pram?
408
00:27:00,569 --> 00:27:05,289
What kind of irresponsible parent
would trust you with
something precious in a pram?
409
00:27:22,829 --> 00:27:27,009
Dozy fools! The little love!
Coming, precious! Mama's coming!
410
00:27:29,969 --> 00:27:33,629
Oh! Oh! Oh, its face
has gone all wrinkled!
411
00:27:35,189 --> 00:27:38,009
It's you! You great
stupid fool, Wally Batty!
412
00:27:41,249 --> 00:27:43,689
Come on! Get out of there! OUT!
413
00:27:48,189 --> 00:27:52,249
You'd think she'd have more
patience with infants in prams.
414
00:27:52,249 --> 00:27:54,949
She's never looked
a string of patience to me.
415
00:27:54,949 --> 00:28:00,009
I was bitten by a Jack Russell
that was friendlier than that.
416
00:28:00,009 --> 00:28:02,169
Well, she's never bitten me...
417
00:28:02,169 --> 00:28:04,809
and it's not
as though I 'aven't tried.
32875
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