All language subtitles for Archer s14e01 The Anglerfish Stratagem.eng

[jazzy music]

[elevator bell dings]

[phones ringing]

- Forward to HR.

Hmm, not quite.

Fix section two and
bring it to my office.

Open door policy.

Tell them no, and swear a lot.

I expect foulness
and creativity.

? ?

- Hey, how was your
weekend? Do not care.

- Where's the booze?
- [sighs]

I'm sure you're capable

of finding a drink on your own.

- Come on. Where would I find...

I'll consider this an apology.

- Wow, you guys actually
look pretty good.

- Thank you for noticing.

I am on a new fitness regimen.

- I've been practicing
on the range.

[gunshot]

Didn't practice the
spinning, though,

which I thought would be easier.

- And I feel like
there's only a 10% chance

I'll attack my coworkers' eyes

with stainless
steel kebab skewers.

- I mean, you should
really be at zero.

- [inhaling deeply]

- Now it's up to 20.
- Ah!

Lana: Eh, still pretty good.

All right, back to basics here.

Missions that make us money

and make the world
a better place.

No muss, no waste.

- That certainly
explains these guys.

- You, uh, ready
for us to start?

- Yep, we're all
about efficiency,

so you can start now.

[worker grunting]
[loud banging]

- So this "no
waste" thing, Lana.

How does that jive with
your office remodel?

- It's part of my new
philosophy, true transparency.

The walls of my
office will be glass.

- Isn't it a contradiction
for a spy agency

to be so transparent?

- No!
- Why not?

- Because shut up!
[clears throat]

I mean, that's not really
constructive right now, Cyril.

- Nice save.

I don't think anyone noticed.

- Could you keep it...

[breathes deeply]

Down for just a minute

until the briefing is over?

[debris clattering]

Mission one of our new era.

The Vanguard is a crew of
international jewel thieves.

Ex-Special Forces.

Highly organized.

They have stolen billions.

- Who cares about shiny rocks?

Unless...[gasps]

Are we working for magpies?
- Ray?

- Y'all, this is our trial
to work with Interpol.

One of their agents is
asking us for the assist.

Both: Wow. Cheryl: Interpol!

- This could really
put us on the map,

and that map is of
Paris, France, Europe.

- Nice! Who thinks I can eat

a whole baguette
without chewing?

Bets on the table.
Odds are two to one.

- Nah.
- Pass.

- No.
- Obviously you can.

- Oh, right, you
guys saw that one.

- Pretty impressive,
and it did make

for an entertaining
funeral brunch.

- Pam, with all the new hires,

I need you here to
keep an eye on HR.

- But Paris! And...

- [gunshot]
- [glass shattering]

Sorry, thought I had
it. Didn't have it.

But come on!

I can do both at the same time.

- Just like solemnly
paying your last respects

and inhaling carbs.

- Exactly. Thank you.

I'll do HR stuff from
the phone over there.

- Ugh, all right.

Pam, you'll go with
Archer and Ray.

- Uh, I like Paris.

- Yeah, I need you here to
get Accounting up to speed.

- Pam gets to go.

- Yeah, but we like her.

- Okay. We get this right,

and we'll have all the
Interpol work we can eat.

It's all a part of
our new beginning.

And with that, continue.

- [grunts]

[dramatic music]

And in the interest
of new beginnings,

maybe we keep this to ourselves.

- [gasps]

- [whispering]
Don't worry, Lana.

He was probably just gasping
at your progressive leadership.

- B-b-b-body!

- No, it was the body.

[main title theme]

? ?

- Why does everyone stand up?

It's not like we're
going anywhere.

- You're standing up.

- Otherwise, I'll lose my spot.

[thud]
- [grunts]

- Look at me like that again,

and I'll slap you
like a Huguenot.

- Dude, you need to chill.

The wine they have in
France is l'amazing.

- Uh, yeah, this
stuff's from Quebec,

and I think it's made
from beaver squeezins.

- Ah, the French.

- Where's the
romance, the intrigue?

Spies do not fly coach!

- But they do apparently
yell about how they're spies.

- Misdirection, everyone!

- Who's this Interpol
douche anyway?

- All it said was "Agent Z."

- Probably some washed-up hack,

a bureaucratic mushroom feeding

on the decaying
corpse of Europe,

giving come-hither
looks to his...

[smooth music]

? ?

- Shotgun!
- Shotgun!

Ah, damn it!

[engine revving]

[tires squealing]

- Zara Khan, Interpol.

- We weren't expecting
someone with your profile

or bone structure.

- Well, it's a
blessing and a curse.

- Uh, what's the curse?

- Pretending there's
a curse part.

- L'zing.

- So you are officially
independent consultants

joining me on a
fact-finding mission.

- And unofficially?

- Unofficially, I'd recommend
a more modern hairstyle.

- Double zing!

- I would, but I'd be arrested

by the U.S. Park Service

for desecrating a
national treasure.

[engine revving]

[tires screeching]

Uh, you in a hurry here?

[brakes screeching]

- Always.

[mysterious music]

[doorbell rings]
- Wait, what are we doing?

- Like I said, fact-finding.

We're just chasing down a lead.

- [grunts]
- Ah!

- Jesus. Um, was it
in that guy's skull?

- Doesn't look like it,

but I bet there are
more skulls in here.

Krieger: Well, it's
not one of mine.

- Wait, what do you
mean, "one of yours"?

- Well, this one has the
"right" number of heads,

and look at those hands.

Oh!

Zero embedded poison sacs.

Cheryl: Well, we're in luck.

The teeth are well-preserved.

- Okay, cross-reference those
with our dental records.

- I don't know what that means.

I just think teeth are neat.

"Hey, bones, get back inside!"

[laughing] "No!"

- So we're calling
the police, right,

since we're so above board now?

- Yeah, this is an
internal matter.

- Internal, like my fingers
in this dead guy's mouth.

- Internal like I'm
going to gently convince

and/or threaten the
guy that saw this

so he forgets all about it.

Go get him.

- [clears throat] I
think he just walked in.

- Well, that saves time.

- Tell me where the
Eye of the Serpent is!

- Are we straight
up robbing this guy?

- He doesn't look
like a cat burglar.

- Because he's
clearly a dog person.

- Don't say dog person!
- Boom, got it in.

- No, you did not.

- Whoa, uh, guys.

- If you don't tell me,
it's your pinky or your pug.

Owner: Oh, Muffin!

Zara: Your choice.

- I... I... I can't choose.

- Guess it's both.

- 3, 2...
- Oh, no! Oh, no! No!

- I'll tell. I'll tell!

[whimpering]

- I wouldn't have shot the dog.

- And the finger?

- I've always
thought ten is a lot.

Oh, mints.

[dog barks]

[owner whimpering]

- This is a real roller coaster.

- She knows how to
handle herself, though.

- I don't trust her. This
whole thing is designed

to bond us to her
through intense emotion.

You gotta fight it.

- Jesus Christ,
you worry too much.

- That is famously
not my problem.

Tell her!

- He gets shot,
like, all the time.

- And safe sex? Forget it.

He is absolutely riddled
with God knows what.

The doctors sure don't.

- Good to know.

- Do you think she likes me?

- You're pathetic.

[safe beeps, clicks]

owner: I've done all I can.

That's 3-inch glass
that can only be opened

by the insurance company.

- Bollocks.

Guess we should
probably just give up.

Unless... did anyone
bring a hypersonic punch?

Huh? What? Huh?

[gasps] I guess I did!

[whirring]

You'll want to get
behind something.

[beeping]

[explosion]

- Is there any practical
difference between

what we just did
and blatant crime?

- Mm, it's more the attitude.

- Uh, spl...

- Do not say it. I forbid it.

- [whispering] Sploosh.

Archer: I heard that!

- And I am sorry you were privy
to that internal discussion.

We try to keep
things lighthearted.

- Not a problem, though I
have already informed everyone

about the body because
of our stated values

of openness and transparency.

- Cheryl!

Go get me some staples, please.

- Oh! Wait, you're right.

Those will totally hurt more.

- Thank you, Kurt.

I'm glad to hear you did that.

- You are?

- Obviously, because
I'd already scheduled

a town hall where
I'll be very happy

to hear everyone's concerns.

- Uh-huh.

- Does it bother
you that Cheryl has

a kebab skewer holster?

- Mm, not as much as it should.

[soft accordion music]

- All right, you need to
tell us what's going on,

like, now, because...

- Oh, she's got a
little slide show.

- Last week, the Vanguard
stole a sculpture

called the Golden Dragon
from a private collector.

This, the emerald
we stole today,

was originally one of its eyes.

We steal the second tomorrow
from the National Gallery.

Questions?

- Um, feels more
like a crime spree.

How does this get
us to the Vanguard?

- I've chased these
guys for years.

They're impenetrable.

The only time they
interact with outsiders

is when they
recruit new members.

- So we're basically rushing
the Vanguard's fraternity?

- No, thanks.

My doctor says I have to
cut down on getting paddled,

or I'll develop something
called "dead ass."

What?

Sorry my life's
cooler than yours.

- And Interpol is
fine with this?

- In theory.
- That means no.

- Every time I've gotten close
to these guys, they bolt.

We're pretty sure
we have a mole,

which is why we hired you guys.

[yawns]

Let's all get some rest.

Today you were just back-up,
but tomorrow is the real deal.

[tense music]

- So we're turning her
in to the cops, right?

If the French have cops

and not mimes with
invisible guns.

- What are you talking about?

- Stealing jewels,

pretending there's
a mole in Interpol

so we don't contact them.

She's obviously part of Vanguard

and even more obviously
gonna double-cross us.

- Okay, and you're sure
you're not just saying that

because you're
intimidated by her?

- And she is not
at all into you?

- One, she's obviously into me,

because I can read the subtle
art of reverse body language.

And two, I'm not into her.

- You seem pretty
worked up, bud.

Things will look better if
you go have a glass of wine,

meditate, then gaze down
at the Paris streets

while you rub one out.

That's what this
gal is gonna do.

- I mean, I wasn't
gonna do that,

but I think I have new plans.

- Yeah, you guys
are probably right.

Maybe I am overreacting.

I'll just call it a night.

? ?

Misdirection.

? ?

God, I hate being
right all the time.

Wait, no, I don't.

[laughs] It's the best.

[mysterious music]

? ?

- Ah, the perfect
place to meet up

with your Vanguard buddies.

Mmm, mmm, wow.

Mmm, that's pretty good.

You should order that again.

[elevator dings]

Ah, the perfect place to...

[glasses clink]

Be backstabbed by your friends!

- You what?

- I said the first
part over there.

- Come on.

We're just hanging out.

- Monsieur, une chaise?

- Make it two, pal.

- Wow, going pretty hard, huh?

- Oh, you haven't
seen me go hard.

- I think a lot of ladies
haven't seen you go hard.

[laughs]

Also, you just
ordered two chairs.

- Can you please keep it down?

Everybody's looking at us.

- Look, Archer, you
seemed pretty steamed,

so I figured I'd
let you cool off.

But I just want to get
to know you guys better.

- Yeah, probably to
probe for weaknesses.

- Sure it's not
about something else?

- Yeah, they told me how someone

posing as an Interpol
liaison kidnapped your child.

That must have been really hard.

- Well, I guess it was
diff... Wait a second!

Why are you giving her
information about my family?

And don't try to plumb
my psychological depths,

because I assure you,
I don't have any.

Pam, you're in
contact with Lana.

What does she think of all this?

- Um, I actually
turned my phone off

to concentrate on the mission,

because I'm a professional.

[phone buzzing]

Oh, boy.

- HR won't respond
to our complaints.

- All we're asking is a simple
workplace safety question.

How did the body
get in the wall?

- And how long
has it been there?

- Glad you asked.

Well, our working theory is

that the person in
question was rehearsing

a one-man show of "The
Cask of Amontillado"

that, hmm, got a
little out of hand.

- What? No, that is not what...

- Or it was someone annoying
we needed to get rid of.

[people groaning]
- Seriously?

- For the love of God, Cheryl.

- Yes, right, for
the love of God.

- Look, in the
spirit of openness,

we don't know how the
body got in the wall.

But you all signed a
non-disclosure agreement

and a declaration
that you might see

disturbing things at this job.

So let's all get
back to work, okay?

- ? Who wants vegan
protein mini muffins ?

- Screw you.
- Ugh.

- Come on.

[phone ringing]

Archer: Cyril,
I need you to do

a thorough background check

on Interpol agent Zara Khan.

I think she's a mole.

Cyril: I'm kind
of busy, Archer.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

Well, in that
case, do it anyway!

[phone beeps]

[gulps]

[spits]

Damn it, I said
get the same one!

Now no one gets it.

So we're really following
this obvious turncoat

into a situation that will
probably get us killed?

- And we're really gonna
sit here and listen

to rhetorical questions?

- It wasn't rhetorical.

- Or was it?

- Yeah, who's to say?

- Look, if you're so
worked up about it,

just run a background
check on her.

- Well, in fact, I did,

and she has a perfect
record of arrests

on every case she's done,
which is the perfect cover.

- I say we kill her. [laughs]

Come on. Let's go.

? ?

- Sorry, hate to question you,

but should we maybe
wait till it's closed?

- It is. Private event.

So more security.

Just means more chances for
us to make them look silly.

- Gotta love that moxie.
- I'm a little rusty.

Moxie is French for
"terrible decision," right?

- Spoken like a man with moxie.

- It's not called moxie in men.

It's called just being a man.

- Oh, so it's called
"double standard."

- Pff, no, you
don't call it that.

[suspenseful music]

? ?

Man, what a shit show.

Who was this for,
Gertrude Ederle?

Because I am swimming in this.

- I mean, mine fits great.

- Yours is okay.
Mine is amazing.

- I'm sorry, Archer.

I was just going by memory,
and I guess in my mind...

- Here it comes.
- You have a gut.

- You call this a gut?
- Quiet!

And no! Honestly,

it's really impressive
for someone your age.

- [stammers]
- Ray, Pam,

go to the rotunda and
cause a diversion.

A big one.

- Uh, in front of everybody?

- Archer, come with
me, and stay close

so I don't double-cross you.

- Oh, sure, joke about the thing

you're actually gonna do.

That's convincing everybody.

- Uh, looking a little
green there, buddy.

- I kind of have a thing
about looking silly

in front of fancy people.

In high school, I was a waiter

at the nicest
restaurant in town,

and it wasn't great.

[country music playing]

[laughter]

- Boy, you're never
gonna amount to nothing,

you stay a fool.

- Thank you, Mr. Mayor.

- That was the
nicest restaurant?

- Well, it was a small,
very shitty town.

- Well, now you can purge
yourself of your fear.

Embrace the chaos.

- Well, whatever this is,
at least it won't be...

the wedding reception of an
archduke and a movie star!

Pam, I can't do this.

- Come on. Nobody
knows who you are.

- Excuse-moi, didn't you win

the bronze medal in
the giant slalom?

Sorry, I'm just a
giant skiing fan.

My whole table is.

Everyone, everyone,
look who I just met.

- Nope, I'm leaving. Ow!

- How dare you speak
to me that way!

[whispering] Come on, hit me.

- I'm not ruining this wedding.

- That's what you think.

You knave!

- They're rich, not medieval.

- [grunting]

[crashing]

person over PA:
Attention! Attention!

All guards to the ballroom.

- Okay.

You can see both
exits from here.

Stay and keep watch.

- Oh, so you can grab the jewel

and slip out like
the snake you are?

- How would a
snake grab a jewel?

- With its tongue, obviously.

They're prehensile.

- Okay, I still have
questions about how it crawls,

but I'm gonna go grab
this thing instead.

- You know nothing about nature,

and I'm coming with.

From here on out, I
am attached to you.

- Oh, what, like
a male anglerfish?

- Good reference,
but I'm still mad.

- Hey, who are you guys?

- Oh, hey. I'm Officer Night.

You might be wondering
my first name.

- Officer? We are not officers.
[dart gun shot]

Ooh. [body thuds]

- First name,
Good. "Good Night."

Oh, I don't think he gets it.

Well, smash and grab time.

[glass shattering]

That way! You lead!

- There is no way I'm
turning my back on you.

[alarm blaring]

Archer: I would have gone left.

- Ugh! Stop backseat escaping!

- I don't care. Get it done!

- Yeah, I'm on
it. Hold on a sec.

[grunting]

Usually HR complaints
don't involve a dead body,

a town hall to
discuss the dead body,

and then a blatant lie
involving Edgar Allan Poe.

Cyril: Ouch!

- I'm on the goddamn phone!

Oh, sorry, your Archdukeness.

- I wouldn't worry about it.

It's not like violence
against an archduke

ever led to something bad.

- I'll come up with
something for you, Lana.

- If I wanted to be
a career babysitter,

I would have
majored in sociology

at a regional community college.

Fucking fix it!

- Here you are, Ms. Arch...

- Oh, my God, I'm Malory.

- Sorry.

Cyril: You know,
systems of power...

[glass shattering]
- Go print an invoice.

[dramatic music]

? ?

- Huh?

Jeezy-petes!

[phone rings]

Cyril: Archer, we weren't
hired by Interpol.

There's a zero
instead of the "O."

- It's a fake!
- [cocks gun]

? ?

- Interpol didn't hire us.

You did.
- It's not what you think.

- What I think is that
you give me that emerald,

and I take you to the
cops or mimes or whatever.

- I'm afraid I can't do that.

[tense music]

? ?

- I am not cleaning that up.

- We're not so
different, you and I.

Wait, I know how that
sounds, but seriously.

- You're the mole at Interpol.

- [chuckles] "Intermole."

- Damn it, it was right there.

- You saw my record.

People at Interpol
have been trying

to sabotage me because
I make them look bad.

So I hired you personally
to catch the Vanguard.

- Then why were you
buying us all drinks

and trying to find out
personal stuff about us?

- Because Interpol
is Snore City,

and you guys are fun.

- We do kind of rule.

- But honestly, the
real reason I hired you

is I just have to win.

And I knew you
would come through.

[all grunting]

? ?

I've got a motorcycle
stashed on the stairwell.

- Can I drive down the
stairs on the motorcycle?

- If you're okay with
me sitting behind you.

- I accept.

[romantic music]

Oh, sorry. Uh, reflex.

- No, no, no, I get it.

I mean, look at me.

[engine revving]

- Whoo-hoo-hoo, motorcycle!

- Do you have to do that?

- Let me answer your
question with a whoo!

You know, we make a great team.

- Hard to disagree.

[sirens wailing]

I think if we take some time
building up our trust level...

- Then you're really
gonna hate this.

Decoy!
- Ah!

? ?

[tires screeching]

[crashing]

- Okay, now I hate being right.

Lana: Excuse me.

Can I have your
attention, please?

Well, first off,

I want to apologize
for yesterday.

I really wish Cyril wouldn't
have gone off script

and lied to you.

- God damn it.

- But you should all know

this is a spy organization.

We do dangerous work,

and that means you're gonna
see some crazy-ass shit.

So while I will try to be
as transparent as possible,

as transparent as possible

is not gonna be
very transparent.

- Well, that is not acceptable.

- Hold up there, face-nuts.

The boss is talking.

- Is this part of
your assistant duties?

- The only part
of the job I like.

- [whimpers]
- And let me tell you.

This will absolutely not
be the most messed-up thing

you're gonna see here.

Want to leave? Go ahead.

Want to stay?

You just got a 5% raise.

- [grunting]

[elevator dings]

- Any questions?

Kurt: Hey, Jim, do you have
those quarterly reports?

- Wow, Pam sure
does know her shit.

Blame Cyril, tough love, raise.

- So you still gonna
do the glass walls?

- Well, you know what they say.

People who live in glass
houses are fucking morons.

- As soon as she pretended
not to be into me, I knew.

Traitor, god damn it.

These apologies from Pam and Ray

better be absolutely abject
360-degree tongue baths.

[door slams]

- Hey, you made it.

I knew you would.
- What... how...

What the...
- It was the only move.

No time to explain,
but we do need

to introduce you to someone.

This is Pavle.

- Yeah, he's apparently
with some sort of group

called, like, I want
to say the Vanguard.

Did I get that right?

- And he wants to talk to us

about maybe joining up.

And I think we, us thieves,
should hear him out.

- Oh, well, hello.

Whoa! [body thuds]

[dart gun shots]
- Ah!

[bodies thudding]

- [laughing]

Hi.

? ?

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