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♪ well, they call me
the breeze ♪

♪ I keep blowin'
down the road ♪

♪ well, they
call me the breeze ♪

♪ 'cause I keep blowin'
down the road ♪

♪ oh

♪ and I ain't
got me nobody ♪

♪ and I don't carry me
no glory ♪

♪ no, I don't

♪ ain't no change
in the weather ♪

♪ ain't no changes in me

♪ lord, ain't no change
in the weather ♪

♪ ain't no changes in me

♪ and I ain't hidin'
from nobody ♪

♪ nobody's hidin' from me

♪ oh, yeah

what's going on, donnie?

Hey, larry.
You want to play?

You know what, I can't.
I'm late,

and I gotta get
something to eat.

My boss is a dick weed.

Dick weed.

Dick weed! Dick weed!

Oh! I'm ok.

I love that kid.

aah!

Young man?

Do you have any freshly
squeezed orange juice?

I got your fresh squeeze
right here, grandma.

Who the hell
do you think you are?

Name's larry.

And I'm
the health inspector.

Brother, you
is out of business.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Hey, jack dabbs.

New job keeping you
on your toes?

It's that your idea
of a joke, larry?

No, I didn't mean it
like that.

I just thought,
you know,

you're the new guy.

Hey, look. Moon pies.

It's the original,
tasty marshmallow sandwich.

I'll give you
pick of the litter.

Yeah, sure, give the guy
in the chair first dibs.

No, I didn't mean it
like that at all.

Son of a bitch.

Let me help you.

Let me help you
get through here.

Woman: oh, larry. Tatlock
wants to see you right away.

Hey, what's up
tatty cakes?

I can't believe
what I'm reading.

Oh, man, don't tell me
gay bashers

are sending you
hate mail again.

The city is being sued for...

A damaged coccyx?

You think that's funny?

No. I don't think
it's funny.

I'm crying
on the inside, ok?

Once again you've defiled
and violated

the very citizens
you've sworn to protect.

You weren't even working
under the jurisdiction

of this department.

Nobody write out more
code violations than me.

Larry.

And nobody leaves a bigger
trail of destruction

in their wake.

Well, it's about time
i'm getting recognized.

I'm not giving you
a compliment.

You know,
since I can't baby-sit

your inbred hillbilly ass
24 hours a day,

I've decided to assign you
a partner.

A partner?

Now come on.
You know I work alone.

I drive alone,
I inspect alone.

Sometimes I'll even
have sex alone.

But never
on company time.

That's my policy.

Anyway...

I work alone.

Not anymore.

Butlin!

You called me in, sir?

You gotta be
kidding me.

First, I lose
my promotion

to the pissed off
crippled fella

that's only
been here 3 weeks,

and now you
expect me,

a man of my tenure,

to work with
a dadgum boy.

I'm amy. Butlin.

So your parents gave you
a girly name

to toughen you up.
I like that.

I've been very eager
to be part

of a collaboration.

Ever since I graduated
from the academy,

I really want to get out
in the field and properly--

You ever fart so hard
your back cracks?

Oh, man, I gotta
get out of here.

Good lord jesus

and daylor
and heart junior.

I am a dad gum

ticking time bomb.

That's my partner?

Seriously?

Good luck.

Larry?

Larry, I figured
i'd drive.

With gas prices
where they are

and american dependency
on foreign fuel

at an all time high...

Hey, butlin.

Get in a real vehicle.

What the hell
does that thing run on,

strawberry douche?

Park it.

aah!

What are you doing?
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, hey!

What are you doing?

I'm throwing these items

into your external
cargo bay.

Number one,
it's gonna blow out.

All right.
And number two,

it's making my truck
look trashy.

Butlin, this is
the larrymobile.

You respect
the larrymobile.

I don't want you
moving nothing

or touching nothing

without the express
written consent of me,

larry.

Are we clear?

Respect the larrymobile.

Got it.

Climb in.

Come on, son, you act like
you're 90 years old.

Let's go clean up
the town.

If you don't mind,
larry,

I would actually prefer
shadowing you

from the other side
or food prep area.

That way
I can take notes

and observe
your procedure.

All right, butlin.
You go ahead.

Ew...

This fish is raw.

What are you trying to do,

poison these folks in here?

Larry!

Sakamoto, how you
doing, buddy?

Very fine.

You look good.
You been working out?

Push ups.

Well, you do look good.

You try blow fish.

Rare delicacy.

Ew! You know what,

i'd rather
dip french fries

in my grandma's
bedsores.

I don't mean to in--
Interrupt,

uh, but may I bring up
subpart 4-501

of the food code?

Believe me,
if sakamoto made it,

I've brought it up.

I'm referring
specifically to the part

about wear washing
process evaluation.

Accepted procedures
to expose

a securely tied
remote probe

on the thermal couple

or at the sensor of
a well shielded

maximum registering
at least 4.8 on the scale,

so if we could
possibly go back--

Butlin.

yes?

You ain't gonna
believe this,

but there's
a snow cone vendor

out there
not wearing a bra.

What? Is that
a violation?

No. But it makes me
want to get a snow cone.

Watch that guy.

Wh-wh-wha...

What the hell
is that?

It smells like
deer urine.

It's not deer urine.

I have sensitive contacts.

You want a moon pie?

Uh, no. I'm good.
Thank you.

I got a whole
glove compartment
full of them.

I can see that.

What are you doing?

I found a buyer
for these.

Do you know how many
$400 bottles of wine

we have gathering
dust back here?

Would you prefer
offering our customers

wine by the box?

I would prefer
you don't run

our mother's restaurant
into the ground.

Well, honey,
the all city top chef

is in a few days.

If we win, we'll be fine.

I told you that.

You also told me I could
start bartending

or waitressing.

That never happened.

Well, I mean...

You know, being in charge
of security

is a big responsibility.

You're ashamed of me.

no.

Don't be ridiculous.

You wanted me
to lose weight,

and I went on atkins.

You wanted me
to dress for success,

and...

Ok, you know what,
you're right.

I'll tell you what.

Once we get through
the all city,

we'll talk about expanding
your role at micelli's.

That's my girl.

Let me
ask you something.

You think you could
make me

one of them
fancy head deals?

Sure. Please, larry,
try our chicken dansy.

Chicken dans what?

It is one of our
popular dishes.

Ew...

You don't want me
eating that

next to an open flame.

Do you now or have you to
the best of your knowledge

ever had
an infected wound

containing pus
such as a lesion or a boil

on the hands or wrists?

And has this infected wound

that may or may not
contain pus

protected with
an impermeable cover

such as a finger cot
or a stall--

What--aah!

I'm reporting you for that.

Oh, come on, butlin.

That immigrant food
ain't that bad.

You deliberately impeded
my line of questioning.

You undermined me
and made it impossible

for me to carry out
my duties.

You didn't see any
health hazards in there.

What you seen
was a bunch

of hard working people.

Now they may not know

how to speak english
good like what I do but,

they ain't doing anybody
no harm either.

So I sometimes let them
slide on the small stuff,

and they take
real good care,

and then I never have to
bust them

on the big stuff.

And your
thoughtless actions

resulted in the loss
of my contact lens

which means now I have to
go back to lenscrafters--

Butlin: oh!

Damn it, butlin.
Respect the larrymobile.

♪ give me one more reason
to stay with you ♪

♪ give me one more
reason to lie ♪

♪ give me one more reason,
one more reason to lie ♪

♪ sing until
this bottle is empty ♪

♪ come around
until the morning light ♪

♪ kick it up really
and tell me ♪

♪ gonna to take this
one for a ride ♪

♪ give me one more
reason to stay ♪

♪ give me one more
reason to try ♪

♪ give me one more reason,
one more reason to cry ♪

♪ give me one more reason,
one more reason to cry ♪

good lord, are you ok?

Are you all right?

Uh-huh.

Listen, these mannequins,
it's not your fault.

They are not very limber.

Oh, god.

The ones I got
at the house,

you can barely get
the leg up

over the ears,

and they can just
snap off

like a twig on--

Well, I don't
do that,

my cousin does that.

Nice work, jane.

Very creative.

I'm really sorry.

I--I didn't mean to.

Yeah, well, you did.

And enough with
your lame apologies.

Ok, you sound like
a broken record.

Wait a second.

She had nothing to do

with them chest baskets
hitting the floor.

Chest baskets?

Boulder holders.

Boulder holders?

Look, I can do this
all day.

The point is,
you gotta buy these

and test drive them
before you put them on.

I mean, you don't
want to get one,

get home, make your
titties all catty wompus,

good lord, makes fellas
cross-eyed and what not.

It ain't christian.

Right. I'm gonna
have to ask you

to vacate
the premises, sir.

You hold on a second there.

I'm the health inspector.

What we got here--

Is not food related.

Well, that depends.

According to the c-section
of the penile code,

a lot of these edible
underbritches

need to be refrigerated.

Sir, get out.

out!

I'm really, really sorry.

Excuse me.

Excuse me, ma'am.
Excuse me.

Hey. I'm larry.

I'm jane.
Jane whitley.

Ah, jane.

Are you ok?

I didn't cause you
any trouble in there, did i?

Yeah, well...
I just got fired.

But um,

when you think
about it, I did

kind of deserve it
really.

Don't tell me
I got you fired.

no.

Oh, thank god.

She said I was lazy

and irresponsible,
unreliable.

Well, those sound like
the story of my life, too.

Larry.

Where have you been?

I've been looking
all over for you.

I--i'm sorry.

No, I didn't mean
to interrupt.

I'm not an impeder.
This is my partner.

I'm sorry.

I'm really,
i'm sorry.

Not like
partner partner.

Not like gay partners.

He works under me.

We--no, I mean,
no--damn it.

You always butlin in.

That's kind of funny.

Your last name's butlin,

so I said, you're kind of
butlin in.

It's a joke.

Big shug.

Made the top 10.

I know. That all city
top 10's a big deal.

There's a lot of
restaurants in that.

You know,
started with 300.

300 pretenders,
but only 1 king.

I'm gonna tell you,

i'm pulling
for you, shug.

You know where I am.

You know why?

Because you
dream big.

Just like your name,
big shug.

Just so you know,
when I win,

I ain't gonna
forget my friends.

Yeah, right.

I already forget
all my friends,

and I ain't never won
a damn thing.

You know what
i'm gonna do

with that $250,000?

Hopefully, get me
4 new truck tires.

oh?

Man, come on, shug.

Hook a brother up,
playa.

No. I'm gonna open up
big shugs

all across the country.

Finally get whitey
off my back.

Let me ask you something.

Why you got to call us
"whitey" all the time?

I mean, that's pretty
racialistic.

He ain't white.

That's my landlord's name.
Whitey johnson.

He's just as black as me.

I'm just saying.

Tell you what though,
you got some balls

getting in that all city
big chef tournament.

I mean, there's some

good restaurants
in there.

You know who had
big balls?

My grandpa.

He got stung by a bee

right down there
in the testicular area.

Son of a bitch
just swolled up.

I mean,
they was infected.

Looked like he was sitting
on a bean bag chair

every time we went
over to his house.

We ended up getting him
a testicle tourniquet.

A testicle tourniquet?

Yeah. A wooster catcher.

A wooster catcher?

I can do this
all day.

Larry, if you're, uh,
done here,

there are a few items

that require
your attention in the back.

Hey, I'm gonna go
to the bathroom.

I gotta take the browns
to the super bowl.

Hey, larry, the men's room
is out of t.p.

This is all
the butt wiping paper

I need right here.

♪ I do what I do,
and I do it well ♪

♪ I work in the sun,
and I work out well ♪

♪ I do what I do,
and I do it well ♪

thank you for
your kindness.

Ok. Aah!

♪ I do what I do,
and I do it well ♪

♪ I do what I do...

Let me help you, jack.
Here you go.

Nice. See how
we done that?

That's teamwork
right there, buddy.

Appreciate you
coming down.

Let me help you out
with your beer.

Don't be an asshole, larry.

My arms aren't paralyzed.

Oh, hey, man. I'm just
trying to help out.

So, how's that new partner
working out for you?

Don't even talk
about butlin.

I promised myself
tonight...

Butlin is staying
out of the conversation.

hmm.

Let me tell you

what pisses me off
about butlin.

You ever see that program
sesame street?

Bert and ernie,
them little fellas?

You ever see them,
that was a team, all right?

They got all
their work done

to get to have
dadgum fun.

Butlin is too uptight.

He's loud, he's gross.

He's rude.

He urinated in a thermos

on the way
to an inspection.

I don't know,
you think it might be

because of some
freak accident

that butlin
was born that way?

I don't know.

I probably ought to be
a good christian about it.

Here I am blessed with
square-jawed good looks,

and firm, muscular
buttocks,

and good health.
That's the important one.

Good health.

You gotta have
good health,

or nothing else matters.

Shame to have all that,

and then butlin's
got this bug

that lives up his ass.

It just ain't fair.

You're talking to a guy

who feels nothing
from the waist down

about someone having
a bug up their ass?

It's not that he doesn't
know what he's doing.

When there's a serious
code violation,

he's quick enough
to write it up.

It's just that he doesn't
take the job seriously.

And it's a serious job.

Come on.
Let me help you out.

You haven't had
a drink all--

Jack, I'm just trying--

I don't want it.

Have a--

Now look what you've
gone and done, jack.

I didn't mean
to do that.

I was just trying
to help you out,

and you went
and spilled it.

Now just
stand still.

Oh, damn!

After lunch today,
he told me

there was a brown snake
playing peek-a-boo

with his butt hole.

I aced bio.

I do not recall
brown snakes.

Check it out.

I'm so glad
we finally came here.

This place
is so amazing.

The best
is yet to come.

I don't have room
for dessert, tad.

I'm not talking
about dessert.

Debbie goldstein,

will you do me
the honor--

tad?

What?

That was the chair.
Just the chair.

oh.

Debbie goldstein...

Oh, my god!

Debbie?

Almost cleaned up.
My phone's ringing.

I'm gonna leave you
these napkins.

Larry's the name,

health inspecting's
the game.

Are you serious?

I'm gonna
be down there.

Don't touch nothing!

Jack, I'm sorry.

I forgot that you
were still in there.

You want me to
help you do this?

I'll help you--ok.

Somebody
take care of him.

Voicemail:
incoming call.

Butlin.

What?

Health inspector.

Nobody leaves,
nobody enters

without my say so.

Now we're gonna need
to cordon off the area--

What the hell?

Excuse me. Sir.

We require a jacket.

Well, you're gonna
require stitches here

frere jacques, if you
don't let me in there.

You must have
a reservation.

I do have a reservation.

Fist. Party of five.

Woman:
auguste?

S'il vous plait.
Pour moi.

Jane?

I didn't know
you speak spanish.

That's pretty good.

Boy, you don't
waste any time, do you?

Last time I seen you,

you was up
at the panty store

with your hands all over
a naked plastic woman.

Of course, you could say
the same thing

about me as well.

There you are.

I'm looking
all over for you.

Hey, you're that woman
from the mall.

Neat. I'm gonna take
some food samples.

Yeah. Why don't you
go take some food samples.

She really is
your "partner" partner.

I just got that.

wow.

Pretty and smart.
We do have a lot in common.

Don't you have an
investigation to conduct?

Oh, believe me.
I'm conducting.

Believe me.

Butlin!

huh?

In the kitchen.

Larry.

ow!

What are you doing here?

I'll handle this.

Boss, we was on call
tonight.

We got a call about some
farting jewish folks.

We responded.

Also, I'm working on
this little number

over here
in the black skirt.

You're out of your league,
numnuts.

I'll tell you what,

why don't you
go over to sizzler

and see if they got
enough wetnaps.

Yeah.
That's hilarious.

Come on, butlin.

We's off the case.

What? Why?

Ask tatlock.

Wait a minute.

Oh, god. Not again.

Get a whiff of that.

That smell familiar?

Yeah. Yeah, it smells
like the drops

I use for my--

Shit.

Excuse me.

Uh, that's what happens

when you put eye drops
in someone's drink.

It gives them
the wicked shits.

I used to be a barmaid,

and we'd do it

to customers
who stiffed us.

Neat.

Why are you still here?

Boss, listen.

I'm gonna
tell you right now.

This might be
a put up job.

I think somebody's
putting something

in the water
around here.

The only thing that's
gonna get put up around here

is my foot up your ass

if you do not leave
immediately.

That's an order!

Yes, sir.

Without--

An order.

How about--
Stop.

Don't.
If I--

i--

Oh, thanks.
I know it's the dry air.

I get boogers all the time.

No, no, no. That--

That was
my phone number.

I knew that.

I would be happy to look
into that, Miss micelli.

Thank you, Mr. Mayor.

Vera?

Yes, Mr. Mayor.

Uh, yes, can you
pull the file

on twilight moments
assisted living.

I want to make sure
i'm prepared

for the groundbreaking
tomorrow.

Thank you.

I could jot down
some talking points

on medicare prescription
drugs for seniors

if that would be
helpful.

Oh, no. Thank you.

All right.

It breaks my heart

that we can't help
these old people anymore.

I know.

Your reservations
are also confirmed

for tonight
at micelli's.

Oh, micelli's.

My wife just loves
the tiramisu.

It's delicious.

Is there
anything else

I can do for you,
mr. Mayor?

Maybe there is.

Yes, sir.

Would it be out of line
if I asked you

if you could just
rub my shoulders?

Yeah. It kind of would.

Well, that's why
I didn't ask you.

Mm-hmm. If that
will be all?

Uh, yes.
Thank you, vera.

See you tomorrow.

What is her problem?

I'm not happy.

Oh, man. You got
more letters?

Don't worry, boss.

They're just
allegations.

I mean, look,
you got a wife.

You're semi
good looking.

A couple of
squirrelly kids

running around
the house.

I mean, that spells
real man in my book.

There were rat droppings

in the food
at clarito's last night.

Now that's our finest
5-star restaurant.

We've never had a complaint
about them before.

This comes
chronologically adjacent

to last week's incident
at les deux coquilles.

Lay who where?

The french restaurant.

Your emergency call.
Remember?

Well, I remember
me and the boy here

coming up with
some hard evidence

of foul play,

but nobody
paid us no mind.

For some
incomprehensible reason,

the mayors office
has requested

that you,

specifically you,

be assigned to investigate
the clarito's incident.

Like the song goes,

you must have friends
in high places.

No, it's friends
in low places.

Different song.

Who sings it?

Look, it doesn't matter.

All right?

I don't care what kind
of strings you pulled

to get this gig.

Screw this one up.

I'm begging you, larry.

Butlin: did the rodent
droppings

have any specific
shape or form?

I have been working
10 years

to build the reputation
of clarito's

into a nice, clean
respectable joint.

Believe me,

we sympathize,
chef carmine.

I'm assuming
you've never had

a rodent problem

like this
in the past.

Rats, are you kidding me?
I'm mortified.

Well, guess what?

You got a whole
nest of them.

Big mothers.

Ratus norvesigus.

Norway rats.

Come over to this country
from europe

i'd say around
17, oh, 74.

There's just one thing
that concerns me

about these here rats.

Every kind of rat,
be it a sewer rat,

or a field rat,
or a rug rat

is basically
a norway rat.

I thought this rat

was the same
as in my bathroom.

Regular big city rats.

However, there's one
difference here.

Look at the turd cutter
on that thing.

Look at that. Too clean.

It is too clean.

It don't stink
or nothing.

That only means
one thing.

That there is a lab rat
which means...

Someone planted
these rats here.

Exactly.
Oh, boy.

Who would besmirch
the name of clarito

in such a manner. Whom?

You got enemies?

I only have friends.

Former employees
that are mad at you?

no.

Ex-wives want to
make you suffer?

No, nobody. No.

How about strippers

that said you'd buy them
a new pair of titties

cause you said something
you shouldn't have said

one night when you was
drunk in the bar

and then her boyfriend
threatened to kill you

so you had to change
your phone number

and even that
didn't work--

Larry.

Well, I'm just
covering the bases.

This is your idea
of evidence?

The rat's butts
are too clean.

That's right, tatster.

Case is closed.

However, there's just
two, little teeny pieces

of the puzzle we need.

Who done it, and why?

This ain't some
isolationist event.

Here's what I think.

I don't give a rat's ass
what you think.

All right?

What is so
damned hilarious?

You just said,
"rat's ass."

I mean, don't you think
that's kind of funny?

I mean, considering
we were just talking

about rat's asses.

That is
an amazing coincidence.

out.

Get out!

What's happening?

Are we following up
on a lead?

Did we make
a break in the case?

If that breaking case
involves me getting some,

we just knocked it
wide open.

Getting some what?

oh.

That's right.

Seems like your mentor
and role model

has got himself a date
with jane the waitress.

I'm gonna take her down there

to the "boo-fay"
at the bus station.

Sounds romantic.

Butlin, a man's
got needs, all right.

I mean,
you ought to know.

Hell, I seen you making
goo-goo eyes

at big shug.

Excuse me?

Don't get all defenseless,
all right.

I don't care if you
swing the other way.

I mean, come on,
i'm not homeopathic.

Are you really
taking her to a buffet

at a bus station?

I mean, take her
somewhere special.

She'll never
see it coming.

Keep burning
the midnight oil, butlin.

All right, leave
the lady killing to me.

Hey, ironsides,
I know you're busy.

I don't want
to interrupt you,

but listen, you're working
the 5-start beat, right?

You know, one of those
with the four menus

and cripplegrams
and whatnot?

yes?

I got a date
with this girl jane

who's the
creme de la creme.

And get this,

butlin wants me
to take her down there

to that "boo-fay"
by the bus station.

A buffet on a bus?

Exactly.
You believe that?

I want to take her
someplace nice

so she thinks
i'm a classy guy.

Can you help me?

I'm not
a miracle worker.

Well, obviously not,
if you was,

you would've got up
out of that wheelchair

and kicked my ass
a couple weeks ago.

Oh...

Seriously,
I need something fancy.

Yeah, I might
know a place.

Beautiful.

Woman: micelli's.

Uh, hey,
it's jack dabbs.

Well, hello, jack.

My colleague larry
is coming in tonight.

Take care of him, ok?

I most certainly will.

I can't believe
you got a reservation here.

I think it takes
like months to get a table.

Not that I would know.

I mean, I don't really
get out that much.

Well, door's open
when you're with larry.

How you doing,
partner.

Listen,
I called earlier

and talked to
francois, antonio,

something
or the other,

but they saved me

a couple seats
down here.

I don't think so, sir.

Well, I'm sure they did.

Can I look in your
little, fancy book?

There I am right there.

That's you?

yes.

Denzel washington?

Yeah.

Own denzel's
leaf and lawn service.

You know what, you
oughta come down there.

You look like a guy

that would appreciate
gettin' blowed.

Larry, it's ok.

We really don't have to
eat here.

we--

Larry, isn't it?

Well, looka here.

It's so nice to see you.

Mayor, how are you?

Actually,
that's denzel washington.

How dare you.

This man is a hard working
public servant,

and you have the audacity
to put him down like that?

I didn't--
It was him, sir.

Mr. Mayor,

please accept
my sincere apologies.

I'll take you
to your table.

I'm sure you will.

See you later.
Come on, baby.

I'm so hungry
I could eat

the butt hole
out of a skunk.

I dropped my balls.

I'll get it.

Usually a fella's
balls don't drop

until he's 65.

Larry.

Good evening,
i'm lily micelli.

Hello. Hi.

How are you doing?

Fine, thank you.

Wonderful.

Larry, this is
lily micelli.

The owner.

Miss machiavelli,
how are you?

Very well. Thank you.

Yeah, you run a nice
restaurant in here.

Let me ask you
something.

You got
one of them toilets

where it shoots cold
water up your crack?

Uh...

When I-- when I heard

that a member of
our health department

had been mistreated
by one of our staff,

I was appalled.

Don't worry about that.

I wouldn't let
myself in either.

Not even if somebody
were to slip me a 50.

Not even then.

Oh, well, that's
very generous of you.

Now I would really hope

that you
would accept something

from our premium
wine cellar.

Oh, boy. That's
the fancy stuff.

Yeah. Fill 'er up.

You're living
in the big time now.

Humph. No wonder
you're making money.

Uh, just
taste the wine, larry.

ok.

Boy, that is good.

I feel so comfortable
with you.

You know what,

other than my underbritches
creeping up on me,

I feel pretty comfortable
around you, too.

Um, uh...

I probably should've
told you this before,

but I didn't think we'd...

What is it?

I live with someone.
Sort of.

Boy, that figures.

I guy like me
doesn't end up

with a piece of a--
Uh, nice, wonderful,

intelligent,
career minded woman

such as yourself.

I knew there had to be
a catch somewhere.

No, no, no.
There's no catch.

It's...just...

Well, what is it?

I, ok...

If--if I let you in,

you just
have to promise

not to be
judgmental.

Shoot, I have seen some
twisted stuff, all right.

Whatever you got
going in here,

believe me,
I can handle it.

I remember one time
I had a cottage cheese...

Larry, this is my mom.

Nice to meet you, ma'am.

Nice to meet you, ma'am!

Mom, larry works for
the health inspection unit.

As what?
A warning sign?

Eat right, or you'll end up

looking like
this piece of shit.

She's a little shy
around new people.

shy?

Oh, man. I love
sassy, fat chicks.

Well...

Look at this
silver tongued bastard.

Trying to sweet talk me
like I'm his 3rd cousin.

Hey, pabst blue ribbon.

My kind of girl
right there.

So, um...

How did you become
a health inspector?

I mean, working
for the government.

It must be so exciting.

Well, I got to tell you,

keeping people
from blowing chunks

and crapping
on themselves

is pretty much all
I ever been good at.

I mean, nobody
really knows

the responsibility
I carry around.

But you must have dreams
and aspirations.

Well, I got to tell you,

I don't really have
a lot of dreams.

Had one a couple
weeks back

after I left the bar

and had some of
that skunky beer.

Oh, yeah. What was it?

Oh...big, giant woman
made out of moon pies.

She looked a lot
like lulu from hee haw.

I don't have that dream
about her no more though.

no?

Who do you
dream about now?

A little bit
smaller girl.

Looks a little bit
like you.

In a moon pie bikini.

Any chance
you didn't hear that?

Listen, I apologize.

I got to run
to the toilet.

Oh...my stomach
ain't felt this bad

since I had
them fish sticks

out of
the vending machine

at the phillips 66.

It's down the hall.

The first door
on your left.

I appreciate it.

Oh, damn.

Is everything
all right in there?

Everything's fine.
Everything's good.

Bless me, lord jesus
and his shepherds.

Are you serious?

Are you sure you're ok?

Yeah, you might need
a shop vac in there,

but I'm doing pretty good.

Well, it's getting
kind of late.

Yeah, but not too late
for a man and a woman

to get to know
one another.

Let me tell you
something.

When I seen you
through the window

down there
at the panty store,

I said to myself,
I said, self,

that's your someone
right there.

Ooh, I bet that
left a mark.

Sounds like you got
something honking

for the right away.

Larry, I think
you should go.

Yeah. It is getting
kind of late.

Maybe I oughta leave.

Ok. Nighty night.

Oh...

I'm gonna
tell you something.

This ain't
no coincidence.

I mean
this whole thing's

been planned
and organized.

I wouldn't
be surprised

if the sonofabitch
was pre-medicated.

What are you saying?

The crimes. I mean

it's the same
mojo aperandi.

Evidently somebody's
got a grudge

against high-class,
hoity-toity restaurants.

Like a pressure group
of angry vegans.

Or maybe it's peta.

Damn it, butlin,
you mean to tell me

you know the name
of the guy,

and you haven't even
told anybody?

People for the ethical
treatment of animals.

Nah. You're talking
crazy talk now.

I'll tell you what.

We get
a reservation list

from all the poisoned
restaurants,

we'll find our poisoner.

That's certainly
one way to go,

but we do need
a back-up plan.

A back-up plan.
Butlin,

let me ask you
something.

Did patton need
a back-up plan

at gettysburg?

Oh, god.

Did whatyacallit
have a back-up plan

down there at
custard's last stand

with the mexicans?

Or better yet,
did my friend donnie

have a back-up plan
when he shaved his pubes

with a rusty
kitchen knife?

Ok. No back-up plan.

Glad we
understand each other.

Ok. There you are.

Our entire database
at your disposal.

Database. Right.

And my, uh, last month's
reservations

are in
a separate folder.

Oh, cool.
You got a folder.

Yeah. Now, look
i'll leave you here

to your investigation.

I've got an appointment
with my crafts player.

I had an appointment
with mine

a couple
of weeks ago.

She denied everything.

I ought to be
on leno.

What happened?

From bigballer23.

"you bring out
the freak in me.

Them handcuffs
left a mark."

Well, now.

What in tarnation...

Get a good look?

Mom, I didn't know
you was here this week.

I work here, all right?

I'm with
the health department.

That's my badge
right there.

Huh...all right.

Maybe you are who you
say you are.

Or maybe you are
who you say you--

What the hell
are you exactly?

I make sure
micelli's is free

of undesirables.

We have a lot
in common then.

Let me ask you
something.

What do you find
is the best way

to get rid
of rat turds?

Talk a walk, crumb cop.

She was so ugly,
she could have

trick or treated
over the telephone.

I wasn't
scared of her though.

I was scared for her.

Ho ho. She would've
set me off,

I would've come down

on one of them
pile drivers

and then nailed
a bionic elbow on her.

What's a bionic elbow?

For pete's sake.

Don't tell me you don't
watch wrestling.

Not so much.

Dadgumit, butlin.

What kind of man
are you?

I was unable to find
any matches

between the reservation
list at clarito's

and les deux coquilles,

and you couldn't find
anything at micelli's.

Oh, I found
something all right.

Found out
old lily micelli

ain't as prim and proper
as she makes out.

Yeah. She's a regular
girls gone wild

with them dirty emails.

How does that help us?

I don't know how
it helps you,

but it helps me
in my decision

on getting one
of them computers.

Larry's the name,

health inspecting's
the game.

No. Are you serious?

Don't touch nothing.
I'll be right there.

Hold on, butlin.

Make sure we got
the right address.

Are you kidding me?

Now, uh, gaz there's
really nothing wrong.

So a few people
got sick.

Just a few.

All right, so maybe
some people vomited

vomited?
In the parking lot.

Maybe there was
something wrong

with the way the food
was prepared.

Sod this
for a game of soldiers.

I was slingin' me hook.

Uh, now, gaz, please.

Now, the all city's
just around the corner.

We went
to great expense

to bring you here--

Butlin, looks like
a casting call

for zorro, the gay blade
in here.

Let's get out of here.

I don't give a toss

about your poxy
chef contest,

you nothing sod!

My buddy big shug
is gonna love this.

I cannot wait
to call him.

These fancy restaurants
is droppin' like flies.

Big shug...

Who now has a chance
at winning the all city,

now that all the competition
has fallen victim

to mysterious outbreaks
of food poisoning.

Butlin,
don't you even say

what I think you're
fixin' to say.

The motive's right there.

What, a pepper shaker?

It's right
in front of your face,

and you don't
want to see it.

You want to close
your eyes

and pretend
it's not happening.

That's what shesaid.

You think big shug
can't possibly be guilty

because he's
a friend of yours.

ohh!

You know
how I spend my days?

Not at the gay bar,
that's for sure.

I spend them reassuring
the people of this city

that the outbreak of poisonings
is under control.

That the department's
on top of it.

That people
don't have to worry

when they go out to eat
at their favorite restaurants.

Sir, we had a lead that
we were pursuing vigorously.

Unfortunately--

Quiet, butlin!

The only reason
you're on this case

is to help me get
this gun-totin' redneck fired.

Gun-totin'?
Wait a second.

I ain't got guns
no more.

I got rid of 'em

when donnie broke
into my truck

and shot himself
in the nuts.

Donnie? Who the hell
is donnie?

He's my semi-retarded
neighbor.

However, he might be
full-blowed retarded.

I ain't figured
it out yet.

Good kid, though.

You know, I hear tell
he just got a job

down there
at the theaters,

rippin' tickets
and sweepin' floors

and whatnot.

He's doin' pretty--

Shut up!

The city attorney
tells me

you're one
legitimate infraction away

from havin' your ass tossed
out on the street.

I want you
to go out there

and bring me back
results

without breakin'
any rules,

or you're done.

End of story,
end of larry.

Larry: usin' all
my years of experience

on the health beat,

and my intuition
and ability

to follow
the thought process

of the criminal mind,

I will now point
to the next restaurant

on the poisoner's list.

So we go and tell
the owners of...

The office kingdom

that a brilliant mixture
of science and mathematics

has determined they're
the next likely victims?

We go and tell
the fatted calf.

That's it,
the fatted calf,

but we don't.

We get an undercover
agent to do it.

That's a great idea.

I'll do it.

Uh, butlin?

Listen, I don't know
how to tell you this,

all right, so I'm just
gonna come out and say it.

You're not exactly
undercover material...

At least yet.

Butlin, imagine,
if you will,

we're in one of
the nicest restaurants

in the city right here.

For the sake
of argument,

let's call it
le larry.

Hello.
Welcome to le larry.

I'm amelia, your server.

May I interest you two

in a selection
from our wine cellar?

The '91
cabernet sauvignon

would be great.

Good choice.

Hey, larry!

You want to play?

I can't right now,
donnie!

I'm workin'!

Let's play!

Oh, my god!
Is he ok?

I'm ok!

Atta boy, donnie!

Yeah, don't worry
about him.

He does that
all the time.

Oh, remember when he
got in this fart contest

a long time ago,
and they was, uh...

He was fartin' the song
jimmy crack corn.

And, uh, he got
a little too--

Larry, can we get back
on point here, please?

Oh, sure.

Well, look
at the little fella

we got waitressin'
on us.

Hey, little feller.

Why don't you run
and get us

one of them nice
boone's farm wines?

It don't matter
what flavor.

We're not picky
here at this table.

This is the stupidest thing
I've ever--

Le larry is
a classy place, ok?

We don't serve
boone farms.

Damn it, butlin!

People been drinkin'
boone's farm wine

in this country

ever since the lord
cometh over here

on the mayflower
over 100 years ago.

Jane, I'm sorry you had
to get involved

in this gigantic
waste of time.

Larry, I have
a case to work.

Oh. Come on.
She was trying.

Butlin!

Butlin!

What?!

I'm want to tell you
somethin'.

You're raw.

You is raw,

but you know
what you got?

Balls.

You got balls,

and that's
what it takes

to be
a health inspector.

Thanks, larry.

Damn right. Butlin,
I bequeath to you

this microphone cord
and earplug

so you can go
undercover

in the
health department.

Test 2,
roger 9 to butlin.

Butlin, is this on?
Can you hear me?

Butlin?

Butlin, turn
your microphone on!

Testing, testing.

Larry, in earpiece:
all right, butlin, listen,

you need to be
a chameleon.

Blend in.

Ok. Oh, sorry.

Sorry about that.

Larry: one thing
you do not want to do

is stand out.

Oh, god!

Sorry.

Butlin, good lord.
What happened?

Sounds like you're a bull
in a chinaman's shop in there.

I had front row tickets
to nugent.

He wasn't
as loud as you.

Shut up, larry.

Hello, sir.

Uh, for tonight's specials,
we have sauteÉed trenne

with beef bolognese,
peacock kale, and parmesan.

Larry: butlin,
it's not "bolognese."

It's "baloney."

I understand you have

a particularly
impressive squab.

Larry: hey, butlin, he's
checkin' out your package.

What'd you do, get a chubby
when you went in there?

Think about, uh...

Think about baseball.

Can't believe it.
You're the only feller

get a chubby
on an undercover.

Damn it,
I am a woman.

I have breasts.

They may not be
especially large,

but they're perky,
and my nipples could cut glass!

Pardon?

No, no.

Ah, mayor gunn.

Larry: don't beat
yourself up, butlin.

Undercover ain't somethin'
you master overnight.

I remember one time they sent me
down there to the hooters,

and had me actin' like
a drunken, loudmouth slob.

Larry, the mayor's here.

Where?

He just walked into
the kitchen with chef leon.

Butlin, wake up
and smell the cat box,

for god's sake.

Amy: what are you
talking about?

Larry: the mayor!
Don't you get it?

Now he can see us
at work.

I mean, we're gonna get
a big promotion for this.

I cannot do this.

Of course, you can.

It's just a little--
Just a little sprinkle here.

You're asking me
to poison the food

that I took so long
to prepare?

No, no, no, chef,
not at all. Not at all.

Chef leon: if I do this,
no one must ever know.

Thank you.

Larry?
Did you hear that?

Larry!

Larry!

Excuse me?

Were you eavesdropping
on my conversation?

Uh...

no.

Are you
with the press?

no!

Shadamite!

Shadamite!

You have brought shame
to our family,

fronting yourself in front
of the imperialist swine!

Leavin' me to do nothin'
but fend for myself

at the house with nothin'
but a goat for company.

I--i--

You heard
all that, right?

Oh, I heard it.

You got it all
on tape, right?

I got it!

So what are we
gonna do?

We're gonna
nail the mayor.

He is going' down faster
than a bottle of vodka

at courtney love's
house.

♪ I was born to run

♪ I was born to dream

♪ the craziest boy
you ever seen ♪

I have died and gone
to larry heaven!

♪ ...or no way at all

look at
that 10-point buck.

Congratulations, son.

I'd pat you
on the back,

but you shot me
in the neck.

A talkin' buck.

I ain't never seen
nothin' like that.

I even got
my own jukebox.

I'm gonna play me
a song.

♪ well, my name's kid rock,
i'm a capricorn ♪

♪ and detroit city's
where I was born ♪

hot damn!

Kid rock?!

I got the boat
full of gas,

cooler full of beer.

Let's go
kick some bass.

Good lord, the virgin mary,
and a grilled cheese sam'ich.

I'm goin fishin'
with kid rock!

Hey, larry, sure you don't
want to catch something

a little hotter?

Jane?

Nice rod.

She said "rod."

Ha ha ha!

Got a major dilemma here.

On the one hand, kid rock
wants to take me fishin'.

But on the other hand,
I got jane,

who's a girl.

And, apparently,
wants to get naked with me

in a biblical way.

Don't know what to do.

Gonna have to make
this decision on your own.

Come on, larry.

What are ya, queer?

The deer makes
a good point.

He does at that.

Come on, dear.

Buck: yes!

Not you.

you!

♪ so here we go,
here, here we go ♪

♪ I'm a rock it up high

♪ then rock it down low

♪ from the floor
to the ceiling ♪

♪ to the living room

♪ 'cause people like
to hear my bass go boom ♪

♪ boom boo-boom,
boom bo-boom boom ♪

♪ 1, 2, 3,
3, 2, 1 ♪

♪ don't stop me now

man, this is gonna be
a good day.

♪ or I'll put my foot
in your ass tonight ♪

amy: I'm just saying
there's a case

for exercising caution.

I'm sayin' there's a case
of pabst blue ribbon

right back there
in the back

that I'm gonna open up
when we put the mayor away.

And you know what?

You can't have
any of it

if you keep talkin' about
gatherin' more evidence.

I just think that--

Here's what you need
to be thinkin' about--

You need to
be thinkin' about

a cool little
catch phrase to say

when we get him.

What do you mean?

Well, you gotta have
a cool catch phrase.

I mean,
it's in the rule book.

Like that time
I busted that chef

at the golden goose

for dealin' drugs
in the kitchen.

I said,
"your goose is cooked."

So what do we say
to the mayor?

We're from
the health department,

and we'd
like to talk to you.

Tell you what, butlin.

I'll--i'll handle
the catch phrases.

Woman: how do you
answer charges

that you've been
an ineffective mayor?

That you've mainly
devoted yourself

to finding ways
to contribute

to your own bank account?

Well, everyone knows that
i'm a tireless campaigner

for this city.

The people, they know
what kind of man I am.

Health department!

Sir, I tried
to tell them--

It's ok.
I know these people.

Anything I can do to help
the health department.

Let's get
a picture.

Picture? You poisoned
all them restaurants.

You know what you is?

You're a damn...

Restaurant-poisonin'
mayor.

We have evidence
that you're behind

the incidents
at les deux coquilles

clarito's bottle,
and micelli's.

Yeah, just what she said,
every one of 'em.

Evidence? Incidents?

I don't know what
you're talkin' about.

Turn that thing off.

Don't know what
we's talkin' about.

Maybe this
little tape recorder

I got refresh
your memory a little bit.

Woman, on tape:
oh, larry. Right there.

Right there.
That's perfect.

Larry, on tape:
you need it higher?

I can go higher.

Oh, damn. Wrong side.

Chef leon, on tape:
I cannot do this.

Mayor, on tape:
well, of course, you can.

It's just
a little sprinkle here.

You're asking me
to poison the food

that I took so long
to prepare?

Leaves a bad taste
in your mouth, don't it?

Not as good
as the golden goose, but--

That was a good one.
That was a good one.

That was chef leon.

I was asking him

to garnish
my chicken piccata

with french's mustard,

but he's
such a perfectionist,

he said no.

He didn't want to ruin
his masterpiece.

Larry: french's mustard,
chicken piccaters.

You're a drownin'
man, mayor gunn.

Drownin' man.

Chef leon?
It's mayor gu--

Chef leon--larry,
health inspector.

Yeah, I'm up here with
your partner in crime,

soon to be
ex-mayor gunn.

He is singin' like
an autistic choirboy

at the american idol.

Told me
the whole story.

Yeah!

Oh...really?

So that
french's mustard

really tastes
that good on it?

No kiddin'.

Yeah. No, no! No.

I don't feel
like an idiot at all.

Ha ha! No, we're...

No, matter of fact,
we're gonna get some.

Oh, yeah, we were just
talkin' about how...

How it tastes good
and all that, yeah.

I gotta go.

This is hard
to swallow.

Don't worry about it,
butlin.

We'll be all right.

No. No, that was
my cool catch phrase.

It's hard--
Hard to swallow?

Swallowing's impeded?

Chef leon,
it's mayor gu--

Chef leon--larry,
health inspector.

Cripes sake.

Nice work, jane!

This is the guy
you were thinkin'

about lettin'
in your pants?

Ha! Looks like
he has trouble

gettin' into
his own pants.

Oh, my god!

Shut up already!

Mom, enough!

Blue oyster cult:
♪ all our times have come

♪ here, but now
they're gone ♪

♪ seasons don't fear
the reaper ♪

♪ nor do the wind,
the sun, and the rain ♪

♪ we can be like they are

♪ come on, baby,
don't fear the reaper... ♪

the mayor.

You accused the mayor!

You had no evidence.

I had
a gut feelin'.

It might have been
indigestion after all.

You've been
an embarrassment

to this department
a long time,

but now you're officially
a liability.

ooh,
That's harsh.

amy:
I wore the wire.

It wasn't
his fault.

I thought the mayor
was guilty, too.

This was
your first assignment.

You're only guilty
of secondhand stupidity.

You want a bite?

I can't believe
I actually got fired.

That sum'bitch.

After all I've done
for this company.

Then to go ahead and--

Hey! What the--

hey!

That's my truck!

Now it is
officially a sucky day.

Whatever it is,
it can't be so bad

a plate of
chicken and waffles

can't make it go away.

You don't even know.

I even deep-fried
the cole slaw

just the way
you like it.

Man, shug,
I screwed up.

I lost my thing.

Your virginity?

No, I lost that when
I was horseback ridin'

when I was 10.

No, I lost my nose
for the truth.

That's what I did.

You know, you gonna
laugh when I tell you this,

but I actually thought
at one point in time

that you was
the one behind

all the food poisonin's
at these restaurants.

Ha ha!

I didn't
say you did! I--

You gonna laugh
about this in the mornin'.

What the hell?

Foreigner:
♪ gotta take a little time

♪ a little time
to think things over ♪

♪ I better read
between the lines ♪

♪ in case I need it
when I'm older ♪

now, this is gonna be
better than you think.

For you.

♪ in my life

♪ there's been
heartache and pain ♪

♪ I don't know

♪ if I can face it again

♪ can't stop now

♪ I've traveled so far

♪ to change
this lonely life ♪

♪ I want to know
what love is ♪

♪ I want you
to show me ♪

♪ I want to feel
what love is ♪

♪ I know you can
show me... ♪

hi, larry.

Hey, donnie.

Thank the lord.

Hey, you want to
play some ball?

You have misrepresented

a deeply loved
public official.

Dickweed.

♪ I'm gonna take
a little time ♪

♪ a little time
to look around me ♪

♪ I've got nowhere
left to hide ♪

♪ it looks like love
has finally found me ♪

♪ in my life

♪ there's been heartache
and pain ♪

♪ I don't know

♪ if I can face it again

♪ can't stop now...

Larry, it's jane!

Larry?

Larry, open the door.

What do you want,

you back-stabbin'
back-stabber?!

You're drunk.

Well, I may be drunk,

but in the mornin',
i'll be sober,

and you'll be

a back-stabbin'
back-stabber.

But tomorrow,
i'll still be drunk.

Hey, why don't you
just go run over

to your buddy,
the mayor?

Larry, open this door,

or I'm gonna
call the police

and have 'em
break it down!

You ain't the first woman
to make that threat!

However, you are
the first one

to make that threat
to get in here.

Get me the police.

Hello, police?

Jane: hello? I'm standing
outside 114 sycamore street.

Another lie.

Boy, I tell you what.

Lies just fall
out of your mouth

like stuff that falls
out of people's mouths

when they lie.

Larry, what are you
talking about?

I've never lied
to you. Never.

You are so busted,
jane...

If that's even
your real name--jane.

I mean, I seen you
canoodlin'

with the mayor,
what's-his-toes.

Oh, good--do you even know
what canoodling means?

Yes, I do know.

"canoodle--to canoodle."

oh.

Well, I don't know.

You are an idiot!

You know what? I may be,
but tomorrow...

You'll still be
an idiot.

Amy called me.
She told me what happened.

She didn't believe
the mayor wasn't involved,

so she asked me
to go on a date with him

to see if I could
get him to do or say

anything incriminating,
ok? You get it, dumbass?

Damn, girl.
What got into you?

Why, you're
more fired up

than rosie o'donnell
at the titty bar.

I don't know.
Listen, listen.

The mayor gave me this.

He told me to expect a hot
personal message from him.

Course I gave
bigballer23

a fake address.

who?

Bigballer23.

That's his honor's
super-secret address

for his super-secret
little affairs

with super-stupid girls.

Bigballer23?

Jane: larry!

Bigballer23.

Now we're gettin'
somewhere.

Well, I hope you got
good insurance, man.

Those punks sure did
a number on your truck.

Are you serious?

You know how much money
I put into that truck?

Unbelievable.

Are you kiddin' me?

Sweet!

They didn't
even touch it!

Unbelie--

Hey, what are the odds
of this?

Somebody steal
your truck,

and it looks
good as new.

It's unbelievable.

You know what that is?

That's a miracle
from the lord jesus himself.

I'm gonna start goin'
to church every sunday

'cause of this.

'cept for next sunday

'cause I got
a fishin' tournament.

Hey, don't I know you
from somewhere?

Oh, I got
that kind of face.

People always get me
confused with guys

that cheated
on their wives

in the port-o-let
at daytona beach

during the budweiser
shootout

about 4:00
in the afternoon.

No, no,
I know where it is.

Micelli's.
Yeah, that's it.

Yeah, my wife and I went there
the other day for dinner.

Yeah, you were there.

Couldn't get in.

The mayor
stood up for you.

That's cool.

Yeah, I was up there
at micelli's.

Let me ask you this.

How long did
it take you

to hit
the mylanta bottle

after you got sick
up there?

huh?

From the food?

After you got sick
on the food?

I didn't get sick.

Yeah. And we had friends
join us later.

They didn't get sick,
either.

That's interestin'.

Mr. Mayor.

You expectin'
somebody else?

Larry,
this is ridiculous.

Look around.

I got security men
all over this park.

One false move from you,

they'll be handcuffin' you
to the bench.

Well, that'd give us
somethin' else in common,

wouldn't it...

Bigballer23?

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Bet your wife'd know.

Please,
don't upset my wife.

Larry, is there anything
I could do for you?

I could use
some free rental

on bowling shoes
on saturday.

I could do that.

What does
that have to do

with you recommendin' me

for the fancy
restaurant beat?

Yes, someone did
recommend you,

but I had nothin'
to do with it.

Who did it?!

No, no,
careful with the shirt.

It's a donald trump!

Are you kiddin' me?

I didn't even know
he had his own collection.

Wait a minute.
Who did it?!

Who did it?!

Uh...

Lily micelli?

The owner
of the restaurant?

Yep. Seems like the
mayor and the micelli

were makin' a little
weenie linguini.

And she asked him
to recommend you

for the 5-star
restaurant beat?

That's right. Notice
when I got the gig,

she stopped dillin'
his pickle.

Dilling his pickle?

Look, I could
do this all day.

But why would
lily micelli want the mayor

to put larry
on the job?

Because she wanted
a sucker.

That's right, and when
she couldn't find one,

she got me.

Well, you were
half right, butlin.

Huh? Look at that.

You thought big shug
was the one

knockin' out
all the competition.

Right idea,
wrong poisoner.

I always knew
he was innocent.

No, just--just wait.

Larry, when we ate
at micelli's,

we got sick, remember?

My mom will still not
go near that bathroom,

and she got it re-grouted.

That reminds me.

Tell your mom
I need to go down

there at the housewares

and pick her up some new
kitty-cat dish towels.

Amy: larry,
we need evidence.

If I accuse someone else
and I'm wrong again,

I might just...

End up like me.

Butlin, you have done
a tremendous job,

and I don't need you
riskin' your neck no more.

This is my problem.
I'm gonna clean it up.

How? You can't go anywhere
near lily or the all city

without tatlock
going ballistic.

Heh heh.
We'll see about that.

The prize? $250,000.

But more than just money,

the all city is the super bowl
of cook-offs.

Once there were 10,
now there are 2.

A strange, controversial
series of events

has left us with big shug's
tasty chicken and waffles...

And micelli's.

A classic david-versus-
Goliath showdown.

Judging tonight's event

is the reigning Miss tri-county,
sung yu...

Channel 13 food critic
ted bailey,

and star of leave it to beaver,
jerry mathers.

And last, but certainly
not least,

the finest mayor
this city has ever had,

please put
your hands together

for the honorable
mayor morris t. Gunn.

Thank you!

Thank you very much!

Larry: on an undercover,

a feller can live or die
by the credibility

of his de-sguise.

What do you think,
schmoolie?

Uh...eh...eh.

Nicht...

I knew it.
I look too much

like russell crowe,
don't i?

Mayor gunn: ms. Micelli,
mr. Shug,

you know
what your mission is.

To make a starter
fit for a king in 3 minutes.

Are you ready?

Let's go!

Announcer: and we're off,
ladies and gentlemen.

The moment we've
all been waiting for.

It's uptown
versus downtown.

The boxer
versus the puncher.

High society
versus high cholesterol.

Holy coke nails, batman!

Larry? How's
it coming in there?

What you think?

Think it makes me
look fat?

You're under arrest.

You is under arrest
for violations of code 9.

Freeze, moo-celli!

Uh...mmm.

Ah, you're right.
Don't like it.

Announcer: micelli
a vision of loveliness.

Here's to you,
mrs. Robinson.

Gotta tell you,
i'd eat big shug's underwear

if he dipped it in batter
and dropped it in some grease.

Larry:
I don't know, schmoolie.

I don't think
they're gonna buy

into this ridiculous
outfit, either.

hey.

Announcer: folks,
you have to wonder,

how does micelli
stay so poised,

and where did shug find
that much lime green fabric?

Be that as it may,
round one has come to an end.

The crowd is on the edge
of their seats,

ripe with anticipation.

Mayor gunn: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

What's the over/under
on that?

Ok, I'll take
2 dimes on houston.

ok!

Jerry: golly gee,
that's pretty high.

Folks, you can cut
the tension with a knife.

Judges, have you reached
a decision?

Announcer: the beave appears
to be phoning this one in.

Yes, we have.

We award
the starter round

to big shug's tasty
chicken and waffles.

Announcer:
down goes micelli.

Big shug delivers
a big upset,

and the crowd loves it.

Look at 'em.

They can't get enough
of this guy.

Mayor gunn:
well, that is...

That is
quite a surprise.

Do you mind if we get
a picture together?

Announcer: there
you have it, folks.

Big shug,
clearly the underdog,

comes out swingin'.

That's fantastic.

That's
just fantastic.

Um...

You lookin'
at my breasteses?

Uh...l-l-let's
have a big hand

for--for big shug.

Clearly the dark horse
of this event so far.

Clearly...the underdog,
the winner!

Um, let's go on
to the next, uh...

If we don't win
the next round,

you're all going to be
getting phone calls

from the i.n.s.
Tomorrow.

I was born here.

That's what you think.

Ok, it's
the chicken man.

The chicken man,
the chicken man.

He can't win
because he's a joke.

He's here
because he's a joke.

That's why he's winning,

because you got lazy.

You got complacent.

Oh, shut up...

Uni-brow!

I've gotten rid of the rest
of the competition here.

I can certainly get rid of

chicken not-so-little.

Now, now, now, look.

We know that whatever
they give him to cook,

he's gonna deep fry, so...

What we'll do is
just drop a little emetic

in his grease, right?

Then it's game over.

Oh, larry.

Oh, damn.

Larry?!

This is hard to swallow.

Good--
Good catch phrase.

no?

Freeze!
Health department!

Freeze!

Health...department?

You're goin' down,
you piece of crap.

Not me!
I'm a floater!

Oh! Oh!

aah!
aah!

Say so long
to the toilet!

Do you know
what this is?

hmm?

80 ccs of ipecac

in a boltha certa model 25a
plastic disposable syringe?

No! It's the same poison
I used to ruin

the reputation of
every 4-star restaurant

in this town.

And now, it's gonna go
straight up your ass!

aah!

Eat it!

Eat it!

oh!

Ow! Ow!
Ow! Ow! Ow!

It's ok.

It's ok. I got ya.

It's ok, it's ok.
I got you.

Ok, all right.
Happy thoughts.

Happy thoughts.

Oh! Aah!

Take this one!

Just take that!

Take that one, too!

Don't mess
with hassidic larry.

Oh, I think
I hurt my nuts.

Anything you want
to say to me, boss?

Or should I say confess?

Confess? Are you
out of your min--aah!

You was in on this thing
all from the beginnin'.

When I showed up
there at micelli's,

you had her
give me the squirts.

That ain't very christian,

especially on a night when
I was fixin' to get some.

Uh, on a first date?

I--I don't think so.

Yeah, but you never
heard me do my song.

Turns out, me and jane
was the only ones

that got sick up there,

and it turns out
they's only one person--

Uno persono--

That told jack dabbs

to send me down there
at micelli's,

and that was you.

That's right,
that was you.

Hello.

Hello.

Amy, whispering:
larry. Larry?

Larry!

Get down. Get down

larry! Larry!

It was jack! Jack!

He's right there.

Oh, god.

It's a miracle!

Praise the lord!

Larry, he was never
really handicapped.

Butlin, why you gotta be
such a dadgum atheist?

I mean, here
you have a feller

that rosed up
out of a wheelchair...

You bring shame
on all of us!

Hey, stop that
wannabe cripple!

Just try it,
you non-crippled prick.

aah!

aah!

oh!

I'm ok. I'm ok.

aah!

aah!

Oh! Oh!

Dickweed.

Larry: oh!

Oh, crap!

ohh!

That-a-boy, donnie!

Donnie!

Larry: well, butlin,
we knowed lily

had an ugly sister,

but who'd a thunk she had
an uncrippled nephew?

Jack dabbs.

The adam's apple?

You hit me
in the adam's apple?

It hurt, don't it?

My granddaddy
taught me that.

You caused
this department

a lot of embarrassment,
larry.

But you saved
it some, too.

Well, I guess that makes us
about even right there.

oh!

Now we're even.

Does that me--

Does that mean
that, uh...

I get my job back?

Well, look, uh...

We'll act like
the past few weeks

never happened.

One more thing,
though--

A promotion.

Don't push
your luck, pal.

Not for me. For the...

For the girl.

Hey, man, you told me
she was he.

Larry: listen,
i'm not askin' for a raise

or a bigger office
or nothin'.

All's I wants a little respect
every now and then.

And when I say
every now and then,

I mean...now.

You did...

A good job today.

Thank you.

Don't you have
a gay parade to get to?

I'm just kiddin'.

I know you ain't
a flipper.

So what happens next?

Well, figured on monday,

we'd head down there
to sakamoto's joint,

give him a hard time.
He loves that.

Then let's go
to a greek restaurant.

Check for eyebrow hair
in the gyros.

You're back!

Oh, hey,
I don't hug dudes.

See you on monday...

Partner.

See you monday,
partner.

Jane: so what
was it that, um,

you said
about a song?

Oh, uh...

Yeah, a song.

Mm-hmm.

If we get into it,
there ain't no, you know--

This'll be it.
I'm gonna sing it,

and you'll be
putty in my hands.

ok.

Go on.

Um, well...

All right, that's what
you want to do

is singin' songs,
I guess we'll do it.

♪ mmm, mmm

ahem.

I'm gonna sing it now.

The song
that we been waitin' for.

Hello?

no!

I'm gonna be down there.

Don't touch nothin'!
bye.

Trouble
at golden goose.

Oh, but, larry,

we were having
such a good time.

I know, jane,
and I want to stay,

but let me explain
somethin' to you.

This world
is full of molds

and creepy crawlies
and mildews.

And damn it, jane,

i'm the health inspector.

ok.

But when you come
back...

Oh, damn.

Now that sounded dirty.

Get 'er done.

Who are you talking to?

All those people
out there.

Hi, people.
Say, "get 'er done."

I don't see
any people.

Just say it
right there.

Get 'er done.

Oh, that turns me on.
Get 'er done!

oh!

Amy: because they
were afraid that the sun

on these rides
would be too strong,

and without
the proper protection

I sometimes get these
like second-degree burns,

but you're here.
You're here to protect me.

Oh, you know what?
Let's go to the other ride

with the animals
and the balloons,

where you pop the balloons,
and then you get

a stuffed animal
of some sort,

and you can choose actually
what animal you want.

You can choose
what animal you want.

I don't have to choose it.

Well, I might want
to choose it

because there's,
like, a tiger.

I've always wanted
a tiger in my house.

Who are your girlfriends?

Larry: lizzie and tina.

Larry, can I have
one of them?

Sure. Come on in, donnie.

Can I have
both of them?

No. You're retarded.

Dude, you messin'
with my woman?

What's up with that?

That's jane.
That's my woman.

I didn't know that.

Damn right.
It's ridiculous.

Why you didn't tell me?

You ever kiss
a white boy?

Come on, come on.

Please, don't--
Don't--don't worry.

That was definitely
not your fault.

I mean, I was bound to
get fired from that job.

I'm not--
I'm not really cut out--

Larry, I've been
looking all over for you.

What the hell?

Well, douche me
with dish water.

Ain't this a turd
in the punchbowl?

He said today that he
wrote someone up

for a richard gere
offense

because his back door
wasn't rodent-proofed.

I do not recall
a richard gere ordinance,

and I was
first in my class.

Check the archives.

♪ get 'er done,
get 'er done ♪

♪ get 'er done, done, done

montgomery gentry:
hey! Sit down!

You ain't leavin' yet.
We're not done.

♪ there's a workin' man
with a hell of a plan ♪

♪ to tackle
your each and every day ♪

♪ he goes off to work
in his flannel shirt ♪

♪ preachin'
to the whole u.s. Of a. ♪

aah!
aah!

♪ listen up,
and you can hear him say ♪

♪ get it
while the gettin's good ♪

♪ you know damn well
that you should ♪

♪ but you keep sittin' there
on your ass ♪

♪ so do it
while the time is right ♪

♪ man, this is
one short life ♪

♪ wait too long
and you might Miss your chance ♪

♪ if you walk too slow

♪ you gotta learn
how to run ♪

pay the line,
mother!

Pay the line!

♪ say get 'er done

george, your mom
got big boobs?

She sure does!

♪ see, that boy's
got followers ♪

♪ who all bear his words

♪ on bumper stickers stuck
to their trucks and cars ♪

♪ he went
from analogies ♪

♪ on prime-time tv

♪ to what?
Now he's a big movie star ♪

♪ hell, that's funny

♪ I don't care who you are

get 'er done.

I love it when a girl
says, "get 'er done!"

aah!

movie's over. Y'all
go get some milk duds.

♪ do it while
the time is right ♪

♪ man, this is
one short life ♪

♪ wait too long
and you might Miss your chance ♪

♪ if you walk too slow

♪ you gotta learn
how to run ♪

♪ yeah, get 'er done

captioning made possible by
lions gate entertainment

captioned by the national
captioning institute
--www.ncicap.org--

♪ there's all them time's
you procrastinate ♪

♪ like mowin' the grass
and losin' weight ♪

♪ and draggin' your sister
away from the buffet line ♪

♪ and you need that time
at the girly bar ♪

♪ there's drinkin' beer
and watchin' nascar ♪

♪ so don't let another minute
pass you by ♪

♪ just do what larry does

♪ say, "lord, I apologize"

♪ get up off
your lazy ass ♪

♪ this world is turning
might fast ♪

♪ hunker down and yank
your britches up ♪

♪ get it while
the gettin's good ♪

♪ you know damn well
that you should ♪

♪ little piece of life
just ain't enough ♪

♪ so get it
while the gettin's good ♪

♪ get 'er done

♪ you know damn well
that you should ♪

♪ so do it
while the time is right ♪

♪ get 'er done

♪ man, this is
one short life ♪

sister south:
♪ ah ha-ha ha ha

♪ ah ha-ha ha ha

♪ so true,
funny how it seems ♪

♪ always on time,
but never in line for dreams ♪

♪ head over heels
when toe to toe ♪

♪ this is the sound
of my soul ♪

♪ this is the sound

♪ I bought a ticket
to the world ♪

♪ but now I've come back again

♪ why do I find it hard
to write the next line? ♪

♪ oh, I want the truth
to be said ♪

♪ ah ha-ha ha ha

♪ I know this much
is true ♪

♪ ah ha-ha ha ha

♪ I know this much
is true ♪

♪ this much is true

♪ oh, I know
this much is true... ♪