All language subtitles for Ally.McBeal.S04E04.2000.Disney+.WEB-DL.1080p.H264.AAC-HDCTV_track6_[eng]

Previously on Ally McBeal.

-Would you like to get dinner?
-Sure.

[Ally] I accepted my very
first date with an "old" person.

Aren't you afraid of
giving him a heart attack?

He is in good shape, Renee.

Mid-50s is not that old.

Who are you kidding? He's a fossil.

I'm looking for Tracy.

Oh, she doesn't work here anymore.

She moved to Foxborough.

Foxborough?

You wouldn't be
Ally McBeal, would you?

All your life you've been

attracted to people
who make you crazy.

What's your point?

Stay away from the therapist.

I'm not a therapist. I'm a lawyer.

It says "attorney-at-law"
right on the door.

-You're a lawyer?
-Mmm.

I know I shouldn't be hitting on you.

But you're just so cute.

And what can I say? I'm a man.

I'm really a man.

-Hold me close.
-[Renee] ♪ Mr. Big Stuff ♪

[Record Needle Scratches]

[Ally Narrating]
It's always the case.

As soon as you meet
one man, they all come out.

-I'm Jonathan.
-Ally, uh, McBeal.

-Would you like to get dinner?
-I'd love to.

What are you saying?

What I'm saying is I can't see you...

as anything other than a woman.

A woman I want to continue to see.

Ally, my son, Jonathan.

Hi.

[Ally Narrating]
I never got his last name.

Your son?

Uh--Uh--Dad?

Well, um--What?

Oh, my God.

[Ally Narrating] This is where I wish

I had one of those remotes...

that could reset time
about 15 seconds.

The poised delay.

[Voices Distorted]

Ah. Here's your brother.

Ally, this is my son, Jonathan.

-I think we've met.
-Met?

We've been on a date together.

-Hello again.
-[Chuckles] You what?

Well, now it makes sense.
See, I've been thinking--

How could I have
possibly met two men...

in the same week who
actually resemble each other

in such flattering ways?

And now I understand. How... funny.

[Ally Narrating] But not
having one of those remotes--

Oh. I totally have to pee.

♪ I've been down down, down ♪

♪ I've been down this road ♪

♪ Walkin' the line
that's painted by pride ♪

♪ And I have made mistakes
in my life ♪

♪ That I just can't hide ♪

♪ Oh, I believe I am ready ♪

♪ For what love has to bring Yeah ♪

♪ I got myself together, yeah ♪

♪ Now I'm ready to sing ♪

♪ I've been searching
my soul tonight ♪

♪ I know there's
so much more to life ♪

♪ Now I know I can shine a light ♪

♪ To find my way back home ♪

-♪ Oh ♪
-♪ Hoo, hoo ♪

♪ Baby, yeah ♪

-♪ Hoo, hoo ♪
-♪ Oh, yeah ♪♪

[Ally Narrating] One day
I will look back

at this and laugh.

Or cry.

One or the other. I'm sure of it.

-[Woman] Ally?
-[Gasps]

Kimmy!

-Kimmy Bishop!
-Kimmy!

-Hi.
-How are you?

-I'm great.
-Ally McBeal, the girls.

Girls, Ally.
This is such a coincidence.

I am here with the officers

of the Women of Virtue Bar
Chapter of Massachusetts.

Of which I'm president,
thank you very much.

That's fantastic.
God, after all these years.

Ally was voted "Biggest Prude"
three years running.

-Actually, two.
-I was so jealous.

I tried to recruit her--

you know, for our
Christian Coalition.

But she would never commit.

And I thought, "We have got
to get this girl!

She is poster material." Am I wrong?

Well, you know,
I almost joined, Kimmy.

Especially when you promised me

that free spermicide
underneath the table.

But when I went down there to get it,

I found you munching away
on my boyfriend.

[Gasping]

[Forced Laugh] Ally was
always such a little kidder.

Yeah. I would love
to stay and chat, but...

I'm on a date with
a father-and-son team,

and tonight they
brought the sister, which--

Well, things could get really wild.

[Gasps]

[Sighs] Hi.

What did I miss?

Well, obviously we have
a rather impossible situation,

but I, uh--

I'm going to remove myself
from the equation.

-Dad, I'm opting out, okay?
-Jonathan,

I'm not gonna date a woman
who harbors interest in my son.

Like I want a girl who's got
the hots for my dad?

-Men my age don't get "hots."
-Come on, Dad.

You sang Neil Diamond to her.

Jonathan, forget it.

Do I get an opinion in all of this?

-Of course.
-Like you say,

obviously we have some pretty...
unusual circumstances.

I'm sorry. I've gotta go.

[Sighs] I'm sorry, Ally.

Maybe some guys
could get past this, but--

He is my son, and--

I'm sorry. I think I need
some time too. I apologize.

-So, they both dumped you?
-Well, sort of.

It's not that I blame them.
I wouldn't want to go out...

with a guy who was interested
in my mother.

That's different.

Your mother's an old, wrinkly thing.

Michael's at least half-cute.

I mean, for a relic.

You know, I think these
slumber parties

have pretty much
served their purpose.

I don't see why you can't date both.

-Excuse me?
-[Nelle] Oh, I agree.

We've all sat in this room belaboring

the dearth of good men.

You've seemingly met two,
neither of which are married.

I mean, admittedly,
the relationship poses...

obstacles to you having
a relationship with either,

but it certainly isn't prohibitive--

in-in light of the dearth.

[Doorbell Rings]

[Shivers]

[Groans]

-Jonathan.
-Please, don't say anything.

I apologize for walking out.

But I was pretty, well, devastated.

I-I've never met somebody

where I've felt such
an innate connection.

I mean, and the truth is, I--
I wanted to make love to you...

as soon as I saw you
sitting at that table there.

I mean, even looking at you now, I--

Jonathan--

No, please. I need to say this.
I just came here...

to make sure that you know
that me walking away...

had nothing to do
with being indifferent or--

Can-Can I-- Can I ask you one thing?

-Before you do--
-No, just let me ask.

Do you like my father...

because he's a great guy,

or are you really
attracted to him sexually?

[Shudders, Muttering]

Um--Um--

Can I get back to you on that?

Yeah. Um--

I wish you would.

[Ally Narrating]
It brings me comfort...

knowing that everything in life
happens for a reason.

It would just be nice once
to be let in on it.

-[Horn Honks]
-[Man] Hey!

I'm walkin' here.

-You!
-[Tires Screech]

Kimmy.

You humiliated me
in front of my friends--

people who look up to me.

Oh. Oh, Kimmy, I'm so sorry.

I had no idea that
they looked up to you.

I'm really disappointed

you've become such a coarse person.

I can't believe I could even say

what I'm about to say, but...

may you never find a man.

Oh. The reason we're crossing
paths--it isn't coincidence.

I've just left your office,

where I dropped off
a complaint and a summons.

E-Excuse me?

I'm suing you for defamation,
you total bitch!

[Gasps] I am so sorry,
Sister. I didn't mean it.

She's-She's put on a little weight,

and her diaphragm is pinching.

Add that to your
complaint, you witch.

[Groans] Come on! It's--

Sorry. If I'd seen ya,
I'd have lowered my shoulder.

Larry. Hey.

Hey. How's it goin'?

Good. Good. Just on my way to work,

plowing down pedestrians, you know.

Mm-hmm.

Until you've had
that first cup of coffee.

Exactly.

-Mmm.
-How are you doing?

Pretty good. Still duping
people, making them think...

I'm a therapist by putting
"attorney-at-law" on my door.

-It gets old.
-♪♪ [Intro: "My Girl"]

-Ally?
-Hi.

-♪♪ [Ends]
-Hi. How's Brian?

Oh, he's, uh, past tense.

I'm dating a father and son now.

It's a long story. I met the father.

He was nice. I started dating him.

I met the son--also nice.
Started dating him.

I didn't know, and now--

-It happens.
-Mmm.

Well, if you need a sympathetic
ear, I can fake it.

-Thank you.
-Okay. Good to see you again.

You too.

♪♪ [Intro: "My Girl"]

♪♪ [Continues]

Ow! [Stammers]

♪♪ [Ends]

First up, Ally, what's this
about you being sued?

Oh. Kimmy Bishop.

Remember her from law school?

Remember her? Androgynous beast.

Talk about a woman
with stones of her own.

Oh. Hi, Mark.
No, we weren't talking...

about your girlfriend, I promise.

-Why's she suing you, Ally?

[Scoffs] Defamation. Libel.

It's ridiculous.

Can I bring up an issue?

This is going to sound
very coldhearted, but--

Coming from you, Nelle,
I can't believe that.

While I consider myself to be
a very tolerant person,

Mark's dating a person who--

Yuck. It's disgusting.

And when word gets out--

and it eventually does
on these things,

because it's such a good story--

it'll not only embarrass you,
Mark, but the entire firm.

-How so?
-Well, you're a litigator.

You stand up in front
of judges and juries.

How much credibility

do you think you'll have
in the courtroom...

when your brethren
find out your girlfriend

has a... man missile?

[Snorts]

It's not gay rights.

It's... a circus act.
And it's disgusting.

It's my private life,
it doesn't involve this firm,

and this conversation is over.

Okay. Next up--

Michaels versus Henderson,
I believe--

[Clears Throat] Ally?

Michael Bassett is here.

Michael.

I, uh, came to apologize...

for fleeing the scene last night.

I was--I guess I came rather undone.

-Well, I can understand.
-Truth is, uh--

You had high hopes for me,

and they were a little dashed
at the sight of your son?

Look, I'm not going
to compete with Jonathan.

But that's why you're here.
Aren't you?

What are your feelings for Jonathan?

I only ask because--

I-I just met you and I just met him,

and-and you both seem
like really nice guys,

but it's just too early for me
to know anything, really.

Yeah. Uh--I guess--

Well, why don't I just say it.

Jonathan and I both agree
that you might be...

the most amazing woman on earth.

And it would be a tragedy if at
least one of us didn't get you.

Now that was a good answer.

And I'm here now
to say we won't compete.

This has to be your choice.

But I am not equipped
to make that choice.

And if you're asking me
to flip a coin,

I-I just won't do it.

I-If you really want me to
make an informed decision,

then I have to continue
seeing both of you.

[Thinking] Did I just say that?

Hmm. It's a little strange, Ally.

I won't exchange saliva

or bodily fluids
with either one of you.

Not until I narrow the field to one.

Now, uh, go. [Chuckles]

Go and-and take your son
to a ball game. [Laughs]

And, um, I will give you
the first date tonight.

I'll look back and laugh.

I'll look back and laugh.
I'll look back and laugh.

What? You're going to date them both?

Am I crazy?

Well, that's beside the point.

Well, like Nelle said,

it's so hard to meet
a nice, normal guy...

who doesn't turn out to be
an escaped prisoner loony,

if not a woman.

Hey, lay off it.
Could you do that, please?

Sorry.

What if it works out with one?

You think about that?
You could get married.

You got the in-law coming
for Thanksgiving wanting

your thigh over the turkey's.

There are hidden issues here.

This is private, Richard.

Fine. Your wages have been garnished.

I beg your pardon?

I got the notice from
the court right here.

Kimmy Bishop went in ex parte.

-What?
-A court order.

I have to start withholding
wages, uh, put them in escrow.

Elaine! I want to respond to this.

[Elevator Bell Dings]

-[Gasps]
-[Chuckles] Are you okay?

Fine. Uh, I was just startled.

-Cindy, hi.
-Mark, hi.

-What's up?
-I, uh--

I had some business
across the street,

so I thought I'd stop by
and say hello.

[Elevator Bell Buzzing]

Anyway, um, I'm gonna be
done around noon.

You want to have some lunch?

-Sure.
-Great.

I'll come by when I'm done.

Great.

-[Mutters]
-Yeah. Okay.

Ow.

[Gasps]

Hello again.

[Sighs] Hello.

My penis makes you nervous.

Hey!

Ally. Don't tell me.

-The son has a twin.
-Funny.

I'm here to hire you.

Hire me?

I've been sued. Now, I could have...

a member of my own firm
to represent me,

but I think
it probably makes sense...

to hire outside counsel.

And I assume you checked me out?

♪♪ [Intro: "My Girl"]

-[Record Needle Scratches]
-[Clears Throat]

Well, you seem smart.

And since you're a solo practitioner,

I figure that you must be
a decent litigator.

Now, if you don't want
to do the case--

I want it.

Oh. Well, good. Excellent. Great.

Great.

Okay then.

Ally, I could be wrong,

but is there something
you'd like to talk about?

What? No. No. No. Why? No--

[Scoffs] Wh-What would
I have to talk about?

-The case.
-Oh.

Oh. [Chuckles] That's--I forgot.

[Laughs] Oh, that's... funny.

Um, yeah. Well, um,

while having dinner
with the father and son,

I passed this puritanical
witch I knew in law school.

She was out with her friends

wearing their little
Gucci chastity belts.

And I mentioned something

about her slipping me spermicide.

She claims it impugned her,
she filed suit,

and then she amended the complaint

after I said something
completely in passing...

about a pinching diaphragm

within the earshot
of a by-standing nun.

And now I sit before you, garnished.

So, um, do you have any thoughts?

Are you wealthy?

I don't really think

that that's an appropriate question.

I'm sorry. It's just in order
to garnish a defendant's wages,

you have to make a showing
that he or she

has no obvious means...

of settling a judgment
should one be rendered

against him or her.

If you were wealthy,
and we could demonstrate that,

we could dissolve the garnishment

with little argument.

That was my reason for asking.

I didn't mean to be inappropriate.

Oh. I--I make my rent
and I can buy nice outfits,

but it's not like I'm wealthy.

Okay. Single. Ever been married?

No. How is that relevant?

It isn't. On that,
I was just curious.

I'm not wealthy. I need my paycheck.

How do we lift the garnishment?

Let's go right into court
immediately.

Challenge libel law.

I happen to think it's gender-biased.

At a minimum, we'll
demonstrate to the witch

that we're not gonna fool around.

By the way, did she
slip you spermicide?

No. I was being caustic.

Hmm. I'll mark up

the motion for 3:00.
Can you meet me here?

-I can.
-Good. Good.

-omplaint?
-No, no. Good.

Everything sounds great.

The complaint-- Did you bring it?

Oh, uh, yeah, I did.

-Um--
-Ah.

Oh, good. I'll see you in court.

Good. Is there anything else
I need to know?

The son'll probably live longer.

-[Phone Rings]
John?

-Yes?
-What are you doing?

Well, I'm either playing Ping-Pong

or I'm hanging upside down.

Would you like to guess,

or use up one of your lifelines?

-May I speak to you?
-Certainly.

Could I do it upright?
It's kind of sensitive.

Does this involve your
girlfriend's genitalia?

Yes, actually. How'd you know?

Well, there could only be so
many things on your mind, Mark.

[Groans] All right.

I need an honest,
open-minded, grounded opinion.

-Dump it.
-Dump it?

He, she--whatever. Dump it.

Look, I know I can never have
sex with her.

Of course not. Can you imagine?

Well, I would certainly
prefer not to.

Look, Mark, platonic love affairs

have been known to exist.

There are perhaps countless
reasons to pursue this woman,

and only one not to.

But as flaws go--

She has a penis!

So, what Nelle said is true?

You draw a negative conclusion
about any man who--

Look, I wish I could say

I was tolerant enough
to support this,

but... I can't say it.

[Clears Throat]

Don't think I don't know
what you're doing.

What am I doing, Kimmy?

Trying to schedule a lot of motions,

send a message that this is

gonna cost me big time
to prosecute this case.

Well, let me tell you
something, missy.

I am in it for the long haul.

-And do you want to know why?
-She impugned you?

Off the record, I'm smitten.

What are you, snide?

I would expect her to go out

and hire a snide lawyer.
That is just like her.

Kim?

[Woman] All rise.

Never mind rise. You can all sit.

I'm not a fan
of cowboy motion practice.

On what basis do you move

to dismiss a claim
on the very day it's filed?

Your Honor, the plaintiff's claim...

is predicated
on common law principles...

which consider an attack

on a woman's chastity
to be libel per se.

This law, I would submit--

It's not only archaic,
it's gender-biased.

Why is it illegal to call
a woman unchaste but not a man?

The implication was
that she's promiscuous.

And most girls would say
"Thanks for the compliment."

If anything, today
we make fun of the virgins.

"Promiscuous" isn't derogatory
in today's society.

It is to my client.

And even if Ms. McBeal's words...

offended Ms. Bishop, the test
for liability is whether...

these statements would
reasonably cause her

to be held in disrepute by others.

Exactly. And the others
at the table...

were all members of the Massachusetts

Women of Virtue Bar Chapter.

Ms. McBeal accused her
of passing spermicide...

and of performing a vile,
disgusting...

oral sexual act on her
boyfriend under the table.

One second, Your Honor.

Ally, did we forget
to tell me something?

Whatever.

I would again remind the court

these laws were passed
in a day not only where...

both Congress
and the public considered

premarital sex shameful,

but where oral sex was actually

a criminal offense in most states.

These are more enlightened times.

Your client made these remarks
to a group

where she knew it
would cause embarrassment.

-Your motion to dismiss denied.
-[Gavel Raps]

Ally, I don't like being
surprised in court.

It's a peeve. If I am to
continue representing you,

you will fill me in on all
the incidental little tidbits.

Do we have an understanding?

[Ally Narrating]
It's when he got strict with me

I knew I liked him.

I hope this doesn't mean
deep down I want to be spanked.

-Satisfied?
-Kimmy, this is for you.

-What's this?
-A notice of your deposition.

You and I are going to have
a little conversation...

with a nice court reporter
writing everything down.

Ally.

I owe you an apology.

I shouldn't have imposed my bigotry.

You're hardly the only one.

I, uh, had a bad experience
once as a teenager.

I asked this beautiful boy

who I thought was a girl
out on a date.

When he accepted,
I of course became suspicious.

I checked around.
The mistake was caught.

But to this day,
if a woman is beautiful...

and wants to date me,
I immediately ask myself,

"Has she got one?"

John--

Look, I'm heading
somewhere with this.

I'd appreciate your patience.
[Clears Throat]

Several years ago,

I dated a lovely woman
with a mustache.

It was dyed, hard to see,

but when I kissed her,
I felt the bristle.

It was there.

Yeah. I developed
that twitch you just saw.

Just thinking of
the bristle brings it back.

This is where you were headed?

We, uh, went to see this
therapist who specializes...

in couples facing unique challenges,

be it the disparity of backgrounds,

religion, lip bristle.

And, uh, his expertise is not only...

getting the individuals
to accept each other,

but gaining acceptance for them

as a couple from society at large.

And I think it would
behoove you to see him,

if for no other reason
than to see whether your

hurdles are surmountable.

[Michael With Crowd] ♪ I am, I said ♪

♪ To no one there ♪

♪ And no one heard at all ♪

♪ Not even the chair ♪

♪ I am, I said ♪

[Thinking] Okay, the thrill is gone.

He's singing Neil Diamond,
and it's doing nothing.

I'm not even fantasizing
over his son.

♪ And no one heard at all ♪

♪ Not even the chair ♪♪

Did you break up with him?

Not yet. But I think I'm
getting the "ick" on him.

Did he sing
"You Don't Bring Me Flowers"?

No. I think he's saving it.

What did you tell him?

Well, I told him that I needed
more space on this lawsuit.

You know, evidently, Renee,
I could really get nailed...

because the group
that I made those remarks to

are so virtuous and pure...

that with libel per se,
they don't have to show damages.

Why'd you hire Larry Paul
to defend you?

Well, be-because I thought

it made sense to get outside counsel.

-I'm outside counsel.
-Oh.

Well, but you and I are roommates.

We have a personal relationship.

I see. [Chuckles]

Anything personal with Larry Paul?

What? No. Please. Him? Right.

He-He's just--He's just--
He's just, you know,

so...

yummy.

[Teeth Clacking]

Did you check up on him...

to see if he's even capable
of defending you?

Oh, you should have seen how
smart he was in court.

This guy is a litigator.

Well, I checked up on him
just the same.

He's married.

He... is?

Yeah.

Well, there's-there's--
He's just my lawyer, Renee.

-There's nothing between us.
-Okay.

It doesn't mean he can't defend
me just because he's married.

Hey, I have a lot of guys
comin' at me right now

of all ages--related even.

[Chuckles]

Well, I have a really
big day tomorrow.

We're gonna depose Kimmy,

and then I might get
deposed, so I should

probably go kill myself.

Um, prepare...

my... self. [Chuckles]

[Sighs]

Ally. Hey. What brings you here?

What brings me here?
The deposition. Remember?

Oh, I scheduled it for your place

since my conference room
seems to be missing.

Oh. You know, I don't know
how the hell you plan

to practice law
without a conference room.

Okay. Something's
the matter. Have a seat.

I'm not gonna sit. I bet you
just love that, don't you?

Getting all the girls to
come in and sit--

That's not the way it goes here.

If it's not about the case,
I don't sit.

All right.
I've been meaning to ask you

something for a while now,

and it seems
this would be a good time.

Ally, are you nuts? What's wrong?

I'm erratic, okay? It's my right.

I've got a lawsuit right now

that my homeowner's policy
probably doesn't cover.

And from what I've been told,
I'm gonna lose.

And I've got two guys chasing me,

both of which I sort of like,

but it would be rude,
if not sick, to juggle them.

Because one of them comes
from the other's seed.

And then there's--

There's what?

Nothing. That's it.

The lawsuit I will handle.

As for the father-and-son outings,

it's not that big a deal.

You hear about women dating a man,

only to end up with the brother.

Same thing for guys with girlfriends

who eventually end up
with the sisters. It happens.

Is it a little more unusual
with a father and son?

Yes, but so what?

If you like 'em both, date 'em
both. The world won't end.

-Certainly not yours.
-What am I missin' here?

Nothing, Larry. You've got it all.

The thing is, we're all different.

Some dissimilarities
are latent. Some are obvious.

The physical ones--
Well, they're easy.

Those gaps are bridged
simply by acceptance.

It's the mental or
emotional disparities...

that prove to be much more malignant,

especially when these
disparities are internalized.

You're all fragile
creatures with feelings.

And as a couple,
those fragilities compound.

Taxi!

[Mark] Cindy!

That was humiliating.
I am not a freak.

I'm not saying you are.

Well, then what the hell was that?

A blob, a midget, a two-headed man?

And a woman with a penis.

I'm not a freak.

And if that's how you
think of me, Mark,

then let's just forget this.

[Elevator Bell Dings]

Kim Bishop is in there with
her lawyer

and the steno. It's all set to go.

-Who's he?
-Uh, my lawyer.

Larry Paul,
my assistant, Elaine Vassal.

-It's nice to meet you.
-Mmm.

[Sniffs]

Ally, before we go in,
very important--

You cannot antagonize her.

I will make this go away,
but you have to behave.

I'd like you to be quiet.

Okay.

Who's that?

-Remember, you stay quiet.
-[Ling] I don't know.

Some guy who has yet
to drool over me?

Ling,

do you think every man wants you?

Yes.

Sorry. We're a little late.

Let's get right
on the record, shall we?

I'm assuming we'll waive
any objections

until trial, except as to
the form of the question?

Fine.

Okay. Kimmy, I'll be asking you...

a series of questions,

as I'm sure your lawyer
has explained.

If you don't understand the question,

please let me know,
and I'll try to be more clear.

[Clears Throat] Okay, Kimmy.

I think the statements made
by Ms. McBeal

are on record, as is your umbrage.

And my question to you is, why?

Why are you so upset?

How could you possibly ask me--

But before you answer that,
let me ask you this--

Do people truly--truly--
think of you as a chaste person?

They most certainly do.

I-I mean, the people who know you.

The people who know me
know I'm chaste, Mr. Paul.

Couldn't one be mistaken though?

Couldn't Ally have been mistaken?

About me passing her spermicide?

About me munching her boyfriend?

Well, assuming these things
did happen to Ally,

couldn't she mistakenly have
thought you were the one?

Oh, please. She knows I could
never do those things.

What about the people
in the virtue club?

They could have easily...

made the mistake that Ally
made and thought--

Those people especially know me.

They couldn't have confused you
for a spermicide vendor?

-Not in a million years.
-They didn't believe her?

-Not for a second.
-Kim.

-You're sure about that?
-Absolutely!

Okay, Kimmy, we're done.

That didn't hurt too much, did it?

What did I say?

♪♪ [Up-tempo Pop]

♪ Chains ♪

♪ My baby's got me
locked up in chains ♪

♪ And they ain't the kind ♪

♪ That you can see ♪

He was so smooth.

She was admitting things

before she even had time to
realize what she was saying.

So, is the case over?

No, because it's still possible
that those women did believe me,

even though Kimmy doesn't
think they did,

so we have a settlement
conference tomorrow,

and hopefully we'll just
get rid of it.

You'll be lucky if you do.

A woman's chastity?

That's libel per se.
You don't even have to--

-[Both] Show damages.
-I know.

How's your dad?

He's better. He said, uh,

that he had the whole room
singing last night,

and you just sat there.

Well, Jonathan,
it's a little conspicuous.

[Vonda] ♪ Now believe me
when I tell you ♪

-What's wrong?
-Oh, it--

It's just my lawyer with
somebody from my firm.

-Small world, I guess.
-Itsy-bitsy.

Could you excuse me for one second?

Sure.

-[Vonda With Ikettes]
♪ Chains ♪

♪ My baby's got me
locked up in chains ♪

♪ And they ain't the kind ♪

♪ That you can see ♪

Hi. Ally. You know Larry.

Yes. I do. Larry, do you mind...

if I talk to you a minute about
our settlement conference?

[Chuckles] You, uh, know Nelle?

I met her in your office today,

and she invited me
for a drink. She seems nice.

Good hair.

Do--Do--[Stammering]
You're married, Larry.

Don't you think that that's
a little inappropriate?

-No.
-No?

I'm divorced.

Oh. [Laughs]

Well, good. I mean, no. I mean--
Well, never mind, I guess.

Hate to interrupt, Ally,

but your date looks
a little insecure over there.

Elaine's putting out the pheromones.

Thank you, Nelle.

-See you tomorrow.
-I'll be there.

♪ And they ain't the kind ♪

♪ That you can see ♪

♪ Whoa, oh These chains of love ♪

-Everything okay?
-Fine.

[Ikettes] ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

[Vonda] ♪ Yeah, yeah, chains ♪

-♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
-♪ My baby's got me ♪

[Vonda] ♪ He's got me
locked up in chains ♪

It's really all for the best, Mark.

I mean, I have nothing

against transgender people.
I really don't.

But nobody should ever touch one,

much less-- you know.

Why can't you just be friends?

Well, maybe that's the way
it'll have to be.

It's just she's the first woman

I've been able to really
talk to in so--

Yeah, let me tell you
something about women, Mark.

Don't talk to them.
They'll talk back.

Women should be obscene
and not heard. Fishism.

And Cindy-- She is obscene. Hi.

She'll never be the mother--
[Gasps, Exclaims]

Cindy, hi. Hey. Hi.
We were just talkin' about ya.

Yeah. I heard you, Richard.

Yeah, I was just trying to

represent the homophobic
point of view,

'cause I know it's out there.

Can I have a moment alone with Mark?

Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely.

I was just on my way.
I'm sorry. Excuse me.

Do you think of me as a freak?

I think of you as... aberrant.

The other night, you told me
that you saw me as a woman--

one that you wanted
to continue seeing.

I could never be sexual
with you, Cindy.

I think you're a great person,

but maybe I'm influenced
by the way others see us.

Well, then let's just be
adult about this...

and admit that it's not gonna work.

Good-bye, Mark.

Bye.

[Shudders]

-Hi.
-Richard.

-For all your support.
-Ah--[Muffled Gasp]

[Growling]

-[Groans]
-[Slurping, Pop]

[Sucking Lip, Gasping]

[Squealing]

Ally.

-Nelle.
-Is Larry here yet?

No. We're still waiting for him.

You two stay out late last night?

I didn't check my watch.

I rarely do when I'm having fun.

Mmm. [Chomps, Spits]

-So, you two... hit it off?
-[Elevator Bell Dings]

Well--

-You're late.
-Sorry. Hey, Nelle.

Larry.

Let's go.

The fact that Miss Bishop thinks
that the women at that table...

would fail to attach credibility

to the defamatory remarks
tendered by Ms. McBeal--

that is not dispositive to the issue.

If they did in fact
believe those statements,

or if they even made room...

for the possibility
that Ms. McBeal's comments

might have some basis in truth,

-the action is still colorable.
-Kimmy?

I checked around.

You are very much respected
within your peer group.

And personally,
I myself admire virgins.

Privately, I collect them.
I'm sure you do.

-Snide.
-Here's my point.

You called Ally the poster
child for "prudeness."

As I was saying in court,

that can be considered as an insult--

You said "My point is this."
You're not getting to it.

The women at the table

probably considered it nothing
more than a catty fight.

And like you said, I'm sure
they didn't think

for a second what she said was true.

But when you sue over it,
when you go to trial,

you might occasion them to think,

well, maybe there is something to it.

You don't want to do that.
You're angry.

And I think what you're
really looking for here

is an apology.

And you deserve one.
Ally insulted a woman...

who she probably deep down
wishes she could be.

Let her apologize,
and let us all move on.

Forgiveness is a virtue,
too, you know?

Even more divine than chastity.

If she apologizes.

Ally?

[Stilted Voice] I'm... sorry, Kimmy.

I was wrong.
I hope you accept my apology.

-Okay. With attorney fees.
-Oh, if you think that--

That would be acceptable.
I think we have a deal.

Yes. Bravo.

How dare you make me apologize

to that vile, rabid yak!
Talk about groveling.

I was looking to make a lawsuit
go away, which it did.

-Well, it wasn't worth--
-Yes, it was.

To have to suck up to her
and pay her legal fees?

This was a stupid case.

-Which you started.
-And any half-assed lawyer--

-That would be me.
-Would have declared it

Nelle and void with one motion.

Null and void.
Nelle's your colleague.

Who you're dating.

And I find that completely
inappropriate.

I suppose you're seeing her tonight.

Actually, no.
I'll be with her mother.

This case is over. You can go now.

I don't want to go.

I want you to ditch
the father-and-son act.

I'll declare Nelle void.
We can have dinner tonight.

Done.

[Ally Narrating]
It happened that fast.

It wasn't hard ending things
with the boys.

I didn't want to be Michael's
daughter, and I certainly...

wasn't up for
Jonathan calling me "Mom."

They were both relieved, actually.

Though Michael headed
right for the piano

and started singing "September Morn."

And me?

I finally felt that wonderful
feeling of terror.

You know, that-that feeling
that you get

when you're up there without a net.

♪ Every minute every hour ♪

♪ I'm gonna shower you ♪

♪ With love and affection ♪

♪ Look out, baby
I'm comin' your direction ♪

[Both] ♪ I'm gonna make you love me ♪

-♪ Ooh ♪
-[Both] ♪ Yes, I will ♪

♪ Yes, I will ♪

♪ I'm gonna make you love me ♪

I can't believe
he chose her over you.

Oh, please.

He's just more comfortable
in his own league.

He could do better than that.

But she went out with... him.

I don't appreciate you bringing
that candy-ass in this bar.

I'll tell ya that.

Bad enough Ally hires him.

For you to bring him
into this establishment--

A lawyer likes to mark his own turf.

I've marked all over this room.

I'll keep that in mind.

Will you stop? I'm not
kissing you tonight anyway.

I have a canker.

It isn't about that. Trust me.

[Gargling]

Look at them.

I think they like each other.

♪ Yes, I will Yes, I will ♪

-♪♪ [Continues]
-[Hissing]

-♪ Baby, baby Baby, baby ♪
-♪ Oh, yes, I will ♪

-♪ Yes, I will ♪
-So, if you were interested,

why did you encourage me
to date the father and son?

I didn't know you were interested.

Plus, it would be unethical

for a therapist
to hit on his patient.

What about a lawyer
hitting on his client?

I can only be so ethical.

-Larry?
-Hmm?

-Shut up.
-Done.

[Vonda] ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

[Ally Narrating]
The thing about walking alone?

It allows you to reflect on the day.

And I couldn't wait
to reflect on this one.

But I guess that'll have to wait.

♪ Ain't it funny how you're
walkin' through life ♪

♪ And it turns on a dime ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ I was missin' you crazy baby ♪

-♪ Are you really mine ♪
-♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪♪

[Woman] You stinker!