All language subtitles for Ally.McBeal.S03E19.1999.Disney+.WEB-DL.1080p.H264.AAC-HDCTV_track6_[eng]

[Teakettle Hissing]

[Ally Squeals]

[Ally Giggling, Squealing]

[Teakettle Whistling]

Hi.

-You just had sex.
-What?

Renee, are you crazy?

-Where is he?
-There is nobody here.

Ally, your face gets a certain look
when you've just had sex.

There is nobody here.

Oh.

Anybody I know in mind?

Just get out.

Fine.

Ah, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.

That--
That is, uh, private.

It's my journal.

-Journal?
-Yes.

Turn back a few pages,

back to the time when you and I used
to tell each other everything.

Okay.

I, um--

I just had computer sex.

Computer sex.

It was amazing.

♪ I've been down this road ♪

♪ Walkin' the line
that's painted by pride ♪

♪ And I have made mistakes
in my life ♪

♪ That I just can't hide ♪

♪ Oh, I believe I am ready ♪

♪ For what love has to bring
Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I got myself together ♪

♪ Now I'm ready to sing ♪

♪ I've been searching
my soul tonight ♪

♪ I know there's
so much more to life ♪

♪ Now I know
I can shine a light ♪

♪ To find my way back home ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Baby, yeah ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪♪

[Sighs] We've been
e-mailing back and forth...

for about four months now,

and... it's been great.

And you talk sex?
To get each other--

Oh, no. It was--That--
No. That was the first time.

You're having a relationship
on the Internet.

Well, there are worse things.

You realize this guy's probably got
two heads and a criminal record.

No, he doesn't.

Then why haven't you met him in person?

Well, I think that the anonymity of it all
makes it a little more exciting.

-And plus I think he's married.
-Ally!

-Oh, it is just e-mail.
-You just had sex--

I did not have sex.

A fantasy with you
is just like the real thing.

-You had sex with a married man.
-I did not have sex.

And there's nothing wrong
with fantasizing about a married man.

Plus, I don't even know that he's married.
I just think it...

because he is the one
who's resisting meeting me.

I would do it in a second.

He's--

Well, he just seems so great.

And when Billy died, he-he was so--

Well, he just knew
the right things to say.

He's a priest.

-Oh, he isn't a priest.
-They love to get online.

-He is just a guy.
-He's not just a guy.

If this guy's normal and unmarried,

then he'd agree to meet you.

You're right.

Okay, I will meet him then.
I will.

Moving along, uh,
Bender versus Hanks?

Mark? Ally?

-Murder?
-[Mark] Sorry. Civil case this time.

Jimmy Bender is suing his best friend,
Peter Hanks, for emotional distress.

-[Richard] What did he do?
-He slept with his wife.

He can sue for that?
How can he sue for that?

Because it caused emotional distress,
Richard. It was his wife.

But you're talking about love.
That's based on pain.

You're talking about sex. That can be
based on pain sometimes too.

Ouch. It hurts. Do it again.
Ouch. It hurts. Do it again.

[John] Richard.

If we can move along.
I have a busy day.

Oh! Well, then let's
by all means speed it up.

Frosty the Snowgirl has plans.

-What did you call me?
-Frosty the Snowgirl.

Yes. Without the warmth.

You shouldn't get
to talk to me like that...

just because you're
senior pipsqueak.

[Gasps]
I mean partner.

All right, this isn't necessary.

Speaking of which,
I'd like to be made partner.

I believe I generate most
of the business here.

I'd like to be compensated accordingly.

Over my dead body, which would still be
a few degrees warmer than yours,

you rich bitch elitist ice queen.

You can't talk like that.

Of course I can. You heard me.
I didn't even stutter.

John, she is an associate
that you had sex with.

She could sue you for--

Let her try.
You know what she is, Ally?

And I never used this word
describing any woman before.

But with her, it's what she is.

Obviously, you have
a little residual hostility here.

And she works for you.
You better be careful.

She ended it to my buttocks.

I was stuck in an elevator.

She looked me right in the ass
and then dumped it.

It was cowardly, I agree, but you
cannot-cannot-cannot act out like this.

-It's-It's against the law.
-Balls the law.

We went to high school together.
College.

He was even best man
in my wedding.

Turns out he was best man
with your wife, I guess, too.

Do we really need to get cheap
and gratuitous about this?

Mr. Albert, keep it about the case.

Mr. Bender, you divorced your wife.

That's done.
Why sue this man?

He was my best friend.

This is not just about an affair
that broke up a marriage.

This is about an affair
that happened

expressly because
he and I were best friends.

-Could you explain that?
-Yes.

We moved to Boston
because my job brought me here.

Susan's from St. Louis.
She has no friends here.

So I asked Peter if he could help her
get involved in things here.

Um, new friendships,
tennis league, anything.

Basically, I asked my best friend
to help me look after my wife.

And he certainly did that, didn't he?

For two years. He lied to me.

He was sleeping with her...

and continuing to present himself
as my best friend.

That's betrayal. Forget about me being
able to trust another woman.

This has rendered me unable to...
♪ You see this guy ♪

♪ This guy's in love with you ♪

♪ Yes, I'm in love ♪

♪ Who looks at you the way I do ♪♪

[Record Scratches, Song Stops]

You've told many people you blame yourself
for the demise of the marriage.

Yes. I blame myself

for misplacing my trust in someone
who I thought was loyal.

Did you tell people you were guilty
of neglecting your wife?

Which is why I asked Peter
to help me look after her.

-How many hours a week did you work, sir?
-I wasn't home a lot.

I admitted that, which, again,
is why I turned to Peter.

In truth, you'd stopped being her lover,
hadn't you, sir?

We-We-We were
going through some things.

You'd gone months
without kissing her even.

Your lips never touched hers.

[Ally]
It's him.

-The computer guy?
-I just have this feeling.

I swear, there was something--

And the way he looked at me,
I think that he knows it was me.

He, you, what?

Ally had computer sex with someone.
Ow!

I've been corresponding
with a guy on e-mail.

I've never met him--
But they have--Ouch!

He used my e-mail name
in two questions.

He got it into the questions,

and I just have this feeling
that he's the guy.

Why don't you just ask him?

Oh. And what if I'm wrong?

"I beg your pardon, but did you touch
yourself last night with me in mind...

while reading my e-mails?"

I'll ask him. Ow!

I'm just gonna e-mail him again
and demand him to meet me,

and then I'll know for sure.

You promised me I would be considered
for partnership in two years.

We have considered you, Nelle.
I did the analysis. It didn't work out.

-Why not?
-Well, when we examined the numbers,

splitting the pie in half, I get more
money than if I split it in threes.

If you examine this graphic,

here--uh, me and John, I get half.

Include you, I get less.

More. Less.

You can't ignore the research, Nelle.

Well, obviously, it means you having
to give up some of your piece.

And if I did that, how can I look myself
in the mirror or face others?

Being generous doesn't
earn respect, Nelle.

People may smile and say "thank you,"
but underneath, they're thinking "sap."

Leaders don't give away money.
You keep as much for yourself as you can.

You try to get more
even when you don't need it.

Giving away money makes you a fool
in other people's eyes,

especially
in the business world.

Yeah. I need to be a good leader, Nelle,
not a charitable sap.

I would love to see you get richer, but
not at the cost of my own self-respect.

There will be consequences
for this, Richard.

Well--

John. Hi.

How's it going?
Oh, not bad.

Considering I often have to work
side by side with revolting people,

one of which
I even dated.

It's amazing I didn't lose
my penis to frostbite.

Yeah.
[Clears Throat]

Listen.

I know that you're
best friends with Ally.

Do you think that...

she and I could be--

be a match?

As a couple?
Yeah.

-No.
-Oh. You mind telling me why not?

[Sighs] Well, Mark, with Ally,
it's the internals that matter the most,

and you have the depth
of a bottle cap.

I apologize.
That was cold of me.

That's what can happen
when you hang out with a Popsicle.

Do you think
she'd say no if I asked her?

It would be folly for me
to speak for Ally McBeal.

But, Mark, if you wanna
go out with her,

I'd just ask her.

-[Renee] What'd he say?
-I'm waiting. Just hold on.

D-Do you mind?
It's private.

[Renee]
Oh, come on. I'm just--

Renee, I asked you
to step back.

Fine. I was just--
"Loverlips"?

Renee, go away.

That's your name on this?
Loverlips?

Never mind.

[Beeps]
[Chuckles] Oh, wait.

It's him.
[Typing]

[Beeps]
Ah.

He's agreeing to meet me.
We're going to meet tonight.

[Typing]
I swear he knows it's me.

"Thunderthighs"?
Oh. Ju--Go away.

Loverlips
and Thunderthighs?

You're supposed to pick
a kind of exotic name, okay?

Fine.

-Fine.
-Oh, shut up.

[Laughs]

I suppose I began
to fall in love with her.

And at some point
you acted on it.

The, uh, three of us
were out at a bar.

There was a piano singer
or something.

And Jimmy got a call from work,
some emergency.

And he had to leave.

So Susan and I were left alone.

And the singer
was singing some song.

♪ Do you wanna dance ♪
We talked about this and that.

Who knows what?
♪ And hold my hand ♪

But the truth--

What we were afraid to confront
seemed to be getting louder,

like a telltale heart or something.
♪ Oh, baby ♪

Finally, I couldn't take it any longer,

and I asked her to dance.

She said yes, and we got up...

and went to the dance floor.

And it was--
♪ Under the moonlight ♪

It was like we'd either
been together our whole lives...

or we should've been.

♪ Baby ♪
It was the dance that, uh--

Then, uh--
♪ Do you wanna dance ♪

I don't know if I went to kiss her
or she went to kiss me.

Suddenly, we were kissing
right there on the dance floor,

and it was magic.
♪ Do you wanna dance ♪

♪ Do you, do you ♪
My God, it was the most tender,

magical kiss that could ever be.
♪ Oh, do you, do you ♪♪

-[Sighs]
-[Song Stops]

Sorry. Ju--
[Clears Throat]

[Clears Throat]

[Ling]
What do you mean "leave"?

Well, I've worked
out the numbers,

and with the clients we have,

if we started our own firm,
we'd make more money.

I'm rich.
I only go to work to wear my outfits.

If it were just you and me--
You've already seen my outfits.

Plus, I'd have
to talk to clients.

I hate clients.

-So you like working for Mutt and Jeff.
-Yes.

They're fun.
Fun maybe, but--

Wouldn't you like to go to work
with real lawyers?

No!

Well--

Between you and me--
[Sighs] I think I might leave.

-Maybe I'll join one of the big firms.
-The big firms?

Do you know how long it takes
to make partner at a big firm?

[Scoffs] Please.

Between my portables, my hair,
the sexual harassment laws?

I'll be partner in a month.

[Sighs]

[Chattering]

Excuse me.
[Gasps]

Oh. Uh, I'm sorry.

Ah.

That's okay. I always--

I always forget to pull up
when I'm finished.

Here. Let me, uh--uh--

♪ For your love ♪

Thank you.
♪ I would do anything ♪

Uh, I know this might sound like rather,
uh, a Neanderthal pick-up line,

but, um, have we met before?

Um--Um-- I don't think so.

It's just that you
were looking at me like, um--

♪ For your kiss ♪

Well, I like to distract opposing counsel.
That's all.

I like to look at 'em
like I wanna tear off their clothes

and lick them from head to toe.
♪ I would go anywhere ♪

♪ For your kiss ♪♪

And here I was hoping
it was genuine.

Well, my tongue is free later.
[Laughs]

[Chuckles]
Kidding.

Maybe we could get a coffee.

I can't today. I have an appointment
after we're done here.

[Song Stops]
But tomorrow?

You have an appointment?
After you're done here?

Yeah. A meeting.

Um, how about
tomorrow night?

A meeting?
A business meeting?

No. It's personal.

Ah.

Tomorrow sounds great.

Great. Great.

You will take it easy
cross-examining my client?

Sorry. I only know
one speed.

Okay, so you fell in love.

Why lie to him for two years?
Why not tell him?

Well, it was a difficult situation.

You're his best friend, Mr. Hanks,

and you continued holding yourself
out as his best friend.

And it was that friendship
I was afraid of losing.

You're afraid of losing his friendship,
but you sleep with his wife?

Objection. Gophering.

Oh, I--
[Clears Throat] I apologize, Your Honor.

In America, you call it "badgering."
In my country, it's "gophering."

-She's gophering the witness, Judge.
-Overruled.

I still can't get past
the two years of deceit.

-Gophering.
-Overruled.

You and Susan ever discuss how to keep
this affair secret from Mr. Bender?

Well, of course.

You, uh--
You made plans.

You, uh, went to great lengths
to preserve the lie.

-Pope Paul!
-Pope Paul?

Once again, I apologize, Your Honor.
In England, in objections to sarcasm,

barristers would often say,

"He's Winston Churchill-ing
the witness."

Over the years, it was
shortened to just "Church."

At some point,
it morphed into "Pope Paul."

I don't know why.
It's rather silly really.

You really think he's the guy
you've been talking to on the computer?

He told me that he had
a meeting right after court,

and he looked right at me.

And the way he said it--

Don't you think that would
be kind of a big coincidence?

He used "lover" and "lips"
in successive questions.

Did he use the words
"thunder" or "thighs"?

Never mind.

[Gasps]
Oh, okay. Ooh. It's time for you to go.

Where do you want me?

Uh--Uh--Okay, okay.
Just go sit over at that café.

Now, if he does turn out
that he is a big weirdo,

I am going to put my purse
on the table like this,

and that is your signal
for you to come join us.

Now, if I don't,
I don't wanna see your face.

And if he's wearing a wedding ring,
put the purse on the table.

Go.

-Ma'am.
-[Coughs]

-You doing okay?
-Fine, fine. Run away.

-[Door Slams]
-[Knocking]

Nelle, how are you? You can get back to me
with your answer on that.

-How you seen the Penal Eskevettes file?
-The which?

-Penal Eskevettes.
-Oh! The Penal Eskevettes.

-Actually, I have that one in here.
-Do you?

And why would you have
the Penal Eskevettes file?

I believe I had to meet
with Mr. Penal Eskevettes

because you were too busy being wedged
into an elevator shaft

with your skinny little legs sticking out
with your unmatching socks.

-I'll take that file now, please.
-Fine.

And I'll have my assistant
notify Mr. Penal Eskevettes

that you're out
of the elevator shaft.

[Door Opens, Slams]

[Lips Popping]

Loverlips?

It's me. Thunderthighs.

-You-You're--
-Thunderthighs.

Oh.

Um--
[Clears Throat]

What a--What a-- a surprise.
[Chuckles]

You expected
something different?

I expected something older.

-How old are you?
-Nineteen.

-You said you were 33.
-You said you were 25.

I did.

But--Well--
Well, it was--

Well, it was--
I prob-prob-probably because I thought

that a 33-year-old guy
would want somebody who was 25.

[Laughing]

Oh, boy. Well, this
is a big bust, huh?

Why? I mean,
the stuff we talked about.

We really connected.

What's your real name?

Uh, Pam.

Pam.

That's a pretty name.

Thunder--
Chris.

Chris. Um, I-I-I-I
don't think that--

[Laughs] Well, what would we
really have in common?

Pam, we have spent
the last four months...

writing back and forth
about everything.

It seems to me
we have a lot in common.

I mean,

you're not gonna let yourself get thrown
by this whole age thing, are you?

Well, I-I was just wondering

if-if we would be that compatible.

[Glass Shatters]

-[Moaning]
-Maybe we should find out.

[Squeals] Sorry.
[Clears Throat] Sorry?

Let's have dinner together.

Okay.

-You wanna eat here?
-Um--Uh, no.

Let's go someplace else.

Excuse me, ma'am. Put your hands
behind your back, please.

What?

-You have the right to remain silent.
-Christopher.

-Mom?
-Mom?

I thought this was happening.
Oh, God.

-Mom--
-Mom? Wha-Wha- What is going on?

This boy's 16 years old, ma'am,
and you are under arrest. Let's go.

I--

-You're now second chair?
-Yes.

Well, where's Ally?

Oh, Ally got arrested
for attempted statutory rape.

But I read the file.
I'm up to speed.

She got arrested
for attempted statutory--

-Rape?
-It was a big mistake.

I thought
that he was 33.

He told me that he was 33
the entire time.

Until the end, when we were
going to have dinner, I thought he was 19,

but I never, ever once knew that he was 16
until his mother jumped out.

Uh--Uh--

-There is an allegation of computer sex.
-Once.

Only once.
Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.
I had computer sex with a 16-year-old.

-What exactly--
-Never mind.

-Oh, forget it.
-Was it a big computer

or one of those PalmPilots?

-Richard.
-I don't want him on this case.

Let's settle down.
We go in for arraignment.

Oh, my God.

I will move for a probable cause.
Hopefully, we can make this go away.

-What was the name of the computer?
-Never mind the computer.

-Or the software? Or was it hardware?
-Oh!

Bygones. We ask the tough questions.

32445. Commonwealth
versus Allyson McBeal.

Waive reading!

Uh, John Cage, Richard Fish
and Renee Raddick

for the defendant, Your Honor.

Only three lawyers.

These charges are so outlandish,
Your Honor,

it takes three lawyers to convey
the necessary outrage.

Good one.

How old is the boy?

Sixteen, Your Honor.
Here he is.

Stand up, young man.

Defense seeks an immediate
probable cause hearing.

Yes. Probable cause.
Uh, 2:00?

Adjourned.
[Gavel Raps]

Falling in love, it's-it's not something
you choose to do.

All right, but why not
tell your husband this had happened?

Because at first we didn't know
if it was just gonna be an affair

or if it was going to be
something short.

I didn't want it to destroy my marriage,
I guess.

Falling in love
isn't something you choose to do.

You chose to sleep with him.

Didn't you, Susan?
That was a choice you made.

Yes.

And the decision to lie,
that was a choice too, wasn't it, Susan?

I'm not proud of this.

When you knew that this new true love
was for real, Mrs. Hanks,

-did you then tell your husband?
-No.

-Well, then how did he find out about it?
-He walked in on us.

He walked in on you. Is that when you
decided to be honest about it?

When he walked in and discovered
your legs spread--

-Objection!
-Mr. Albert.

Till death do you part, Mrs. Hanks.

You took a vow with that man,

or were you just lying
at that ceremony too?

Mr. Albert, I said that is enough.

What was up with that, Mark?

You were harder on her than you were
on the guy that we're suing.

We need to have the jury's anger--

-Can we talk about your anger?
-No, we cannot.

I'm bored.

Then go then, Ling.
Ally's back.

That hurt my feelings.

Ally.

Oh. Hey. Hi, Bryan.

Well, the judge has suspended closings
till this afternoon,

so how do you feel
about getting that coffee?

Now?

Oh. Uh--Uh--

Gee. Um, actually,
I have a probable cause hearing.

-Not your own, I hope.
-Oh, who told?

What, does everybody know everything?

I-I was kidding.

-Oh.
-Is it your own?

Well, it's a small, uh--

Kind of like a parking ticket
kind of thing.

Mm-hmm.
Um, what is it exactly?

Oh. [Laughs]
You know. Statu--

Statue?

Tory.

Statutory rape.

Oh, it-it was a big mistake.

I was corresponding with this guy
on the Internet who I thought was 33,

and some of the exchanges
were a little sexual.

"PG," nothing "R."

Well, maybe a little "R,"
but nothing NC-17, which is good.

'Cause he turned out not to be 17.
He was 16.

[Laughs]
Who knew?

I met him for coffee,
and he told me he was 19.

And I was going
to have dinner with him.

Dinner with a 19-year-old
who, as I said, was really 16.

I know. Who can
keep it all straight?

Kids grow up so fast these days,
and I got arrested.

I really am innocent.

You, in fact, discussed your ages
in your e-mails, did you not?

Yes. He told me he was 33.

Okay. How old did you
represent yourself to be?

-Is that important?
-How old?

-[Sighs] Twenty-five.
-Please.

Uh, wha-wha--Okay.

Could you--Ms. McBeal.

What was the nature
of your correspondence?

Um, well, we mostly talked
about everyday stuff--

what movies we liked, what books.

We didn't talk much about sex.
[Mic Squeals]

I'm sorry, but is it just me,

or did this mic
just get loud and squeal?

I'm afraid it's just you.

-Figures.
-Uh, Ms. McBeal,

at any time
during your correspondence,

did you ever know
Mr. Emerson to be underage?

No. Never. Absolutely not.

[Mouths Words]

-Didn't he talk a lot about his parents?
-Yes.

But a lot of people do.

And his favorite movie--
what was it?

The Spy Who Shagged Me.

And his favorite television show?

Dawson's Creek.

But a lot of old men pervs
like to watch nubile teens.

[Mic Squeals]

You did, in fact, engage in rather graphic
sexual dialogue with him, didn't you?

One time we talked about sex.
[Mic Squeals]

One time.

You attempted to arouse
each other sexually by e-mails.

Yes. We talked about sex
for the purpose...

[Mic Squeals]
of arousing each other.

But I never knew that he was 16
when I talked about sex.

[Mic Squeals]

I don't get my jollies
helping young boys get erections.

[Mic Squeals]
Trust me.

[Knocking]
Come in.

-Mark?
-Ally.

How'd it go?

Oh, um, the 16-year-old
is going to testify this afternoon,

and then the judge
will rule from there.

How's it going with you?

Me? I'm just working
on my closing.

Why did you start railing
on that woman like that?

Well, we're going
for a big judgment here.

We need to tap
into the jury's outrage.

I go rough sometimes.
It's a strategy.

Seemed a little
beyond strategy to me.

Well, I think your judgment might be
clouded here. You think about that.

I've heard it happens to people
when they're on trial for statutory rape.

What was the strategy
in that remark?

I'm sorry.

Is everything okay?

Well--

Uh--

Would you ever want to...

do--

do the closing?

-Sorry?
-Never mind.

I was just thinking
maybe you should do the closing.

Then when I think about it again,
it's just ridiculous.

Uh, it should be me.

Never mind.

[Drawer Opens]
Are you really okay, Mark?

Oh, I'm just fine.
I'm just--

I'm gonna...

work on my summation.

I'll see you in court. Okay?

Sure.

[Sighs]

[Door Closes]

-It was my intent to lie.
-Now, why is that, Chris?

Well, I met girls my own age at school.

I wanted to hook up
with an older woman,

someone with real experience.

Uh--
[Stammering]

These e-mails, now, they weren't
sex talk as a rule, were they?

Only the last one. It was awesome.

-Thank you. But the majority--
-And then, when we met--

[Chuckles]
Oh, my God.

Yeah. Uh, what--Wait.
Nothing happened after you met, right?

No. But, you know,
I was wanting to meet an older woman.

And she said she was 25.

Then when I saw her,
she was more like 35.

It was like a dream.

Why was it like a dream?

Well, The Graduate is
one of my favorite films.

Hers too.

She would like to be Anne Bancroft
in an affair like that.

She would say, "Society so accepts
older men going after young girls.

Hooray for the older woman
who pursues the young boy."

Oh, man, I couldn't
wait to meet her.

She turned out to be older
than Anne Bancroft.

Okay, did she ever know
you were a young man?

-No.
-Thank you, Chris,

for your... delightful testimony.

Nice, John.
Really nice.

If I'd have known you idolized
Anne Bancroft, Loverlips.

You should have got in that he never
told me his age and left it at that.

I tried.
The little bastard kept adding things.

Three lawyers. He calls me 35
and not one of you object.

Let's look at the positive side.
She didn't revoke bail.

Oh!

I keep getting hit.
Let's all settle down.

She said she'd rule in an hour.
Let's get some coffee.

I can't. I have to go to trial upstairs.

Maybe the last trial
before I get disbarred.

[Elevator Dings]

There are very few things in life
as precious as friendship.

The best part of marriage even
is friendship.

And if we don't
associate a duty with it--

a duty of loyalty, honesty,

care--

Care.

Then what have we got really?

Is it too much of a burden to ask
that friends be honest with each other?

Nobody here-- nobody-- is suggesting
we devalue friendship.

I would agree
with opposing counsel

there are very few things
in life to cherish more.

He likened it to marriage.
I would agree.

It can have
the same intensity of emotion.

It can be just
as complex sometimes.

It can be predicated on deep
childhood bonds

or in this town,
simply the Red Sox.

And like marriage, a friendship
can be very difficult to quantify.

And like marriage, the courts have
no business trying to assess blame

when one falls apart.

Now, clearly, Peter and Susan Hanks
feel a great deal of contrition

for causing Mr. Bender pain.

And everybody here knows,
including Mr. Bender,

that was not their intent.

[Beeping]

[Thumping]

[Panting, Grunts]

Well, there is absolutely
no evidence whatsoever...

that Ms. McBeal knew
she was communicating with a minor.

The charges are dismissed.

[Ally Sighs]

But before we adjourn,

let me assume the role
of an older-but-wiser Mrs. Solomon.

I imagine
you'd like that.

Now, I don't think
Ms. McBeal is a predator.

But there
are plenty out there.

And meeting up in person

with someone you only know
through e-mail, that's insane.

You're lucky this
is all that happened.

[Gavel Raps]
Now we're adjourned.

[Sighs]

[Sighs]
Well, I hope you learned your lesson.

You were the one pushing me
to meet him, Renee.

Ally? Sorry.

I-I didn't mean for--
I-I know.

I turn 17 next week.
Chris.

What you need to do is go out
and find yourself a nice 17-year-old.

And if she
has a friend--

Bye, Chris.

[Sighs]
Loverlips.

One kiss?

Well--

-On the cheek.
-On the cheek.

How was that?

Totally awesome.
[Laughs]

What?

Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.

What happened?
She's a free woman.

Nelle. Just the person
I wanna see.

Oh, if it's naked,
you're out of luck.

I'd sooner puke my intestines
and snorkel in them than see you naked.

This is getting worse.

I talked to Mr. Penal Eskevettes.

You didn't just have
the one meeting

when I was stuck in the elevator
with unmatching socks.

You've been calling him.

You told him it was in his best interest
to let you handle his work.

-Oh, right. I did do that.
-Why?

Because it's the truth,
you little mayor of Munchkinland.

Penal Eskevettes
is kind of a weird name.

He doesn't need to walk into court
with a weird lawyer.

You little imp.

She called me
the mayor of Munchkinland.

And, uh, little imp.

Mr. Foreman, has the jury--

Oh, just read it.

"Bender versus Hanks...

"on the count of negligent infliction
of emotional distress,

"we the jury find
in favor of the plaintiff,

and we order the defendant to pay
damages in the amount of $10,000."

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
thank you for your service.

We're dismissed.
[Gavel Raps]

[Murmuring, Chattering]
10,000?

That's the price tag
they put on friendship.

Maybe it's the price tag
they put on love.

Oh, Jimmy, I'm sorry.
I wish I could have done better.

You did great, Mark.

Well, I'm not sure who won,
but I'm glad to see you're still at large.

Thank you.

Listen. If you're still interested in that
coffee-- Um, I realize I'm a bit old.

Funny.

I haven't scared you away
with my near criminal behavior?

Well, I'm daunted,
but I'm addicted to caffeine.

Well, why don't I buy you a drink?

Sounds great.

♪ You had better ♪

♪ Hold on ♪

♪ Hold on to what ♪

♪ You've got ♪

♪ You have better ♪

♪ Hold on ♪

♪ Hold on to what ♪

♪ You've got ♪

That Pope Paul thing?
Do they really do that?

No.

-And the gophering?
-Made it up.

I can see you're hurt,
but, John, we all have to work together.

You don't think
Nelle hurts a little too?

No. She's a rich bitch
cold-hearted ice queen,

elitist snob vicious witch on a good day.

And a tightwad cheap-ass too,
'cause I paid for everything.

Well, I can see you're softening.

So, what happens after the drink?

We go back and hop
onto our computers?

Funny. Again.

Maybe we should dance
before you fall behind.

Uh, I'm not much of a dancer.

Oh, well, that's okay because I am.

Come on.

Come on, Biscuit.

It's been too long.

Indeed.
[Mouths Word]

♪ Hold on ♪

♪ Hold on to what ♪

-♪ You've got ♪
-I think we have something here.

It's about time. Come on.

♪ You had better ♪

♪ Hold on ♪

♪ Hold on to what ♪

♪ You've got ♪

♪ 'Cause if ♪

♪ You think ♪

♪ That nobody wants it ♪

♪ Just throw it away ♪

♪ And you will see ♪

♪ Someone will have it ♪

♪ Before you can count ♪

♪ One, two, three ♪

♪ Yes, she will ♪

♪ Yes, she will ♪♪

[Woman]
You stinker!