All language subtitles for Ally.McBeal.S03E13.1999.Disney+.WEB-DL.1080p.H264.AAC-HDCTV_track6_[eng]

Tall semidry nonfat cap.

Thank you.

Uh, hello.
I don't mean to disturb you,

but I am desperate
for you to know my name.

-Hammond Dearing.
-Okay. Got it.

Have we ever met
or seen each other before?

I don't think so.

That's a shame, because I've been
making your espresso drinks, uh,

every morning
for almost three months now,

handing them to you
every single day, and...

I was just hoping maybe once you'd
pause to look at my face.

-I guess I didn't.
-Well, would you?

Okay. Bye-bye.

Wait. Just one more second. Look.
I understand you being wary of strangers,

but if you knew maybe
a little bit about me--

I actually feel I do, which is why
I'm walking away now.

But is it 'cause I'm a guy who makes
cappuccinos for a living?

Uh, no. It's because my cappuccino
is getting cold.

Hold on. Just one more second.
Would you have dinner with me?

Uh--Hammond?

[Chuckles] Uh, you're beginning
to get annoying.

Oh, gee. And I so wanted you
to reject me on a good note.

Look, I--

Sorry. I shouldn't have done that,

but my ex told me I'm a good kisser,

and I figure, well, go with strength.

Hmm. It's a good thing
that you make a cold cappuccino.

And, um, your ex--

She lied.

♪ I've been down this road ♪

♪ Walkin' the line
that's painted by pride ♪

♪ And I have made mistakes
in my life ♪

♪ That I just can't hide ♪

♪ Oh, I believe I am ready ♪

♪ For what love has to bring
Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I got myself together ♪

♪ Now I'm ready to sing ♪

♪ I've been searching
my soul tonight ♪

♪ I know there's
so much more to life ♪

♪ Now I know
I can shine a light ♪

♪ To find my way back home ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Baby, yeah ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪♪

The guy who makes
the cappuccinos?

-[Ally] Yes.
-They're a little foamy.

-Yes.
-He actually asked you out.

What, did he think you were
a waitress or something?

[Toilet Flushes]

I don't know.

Ick. Nothing worse than getting hit on
by one of the little people.

[Toilet Flushes]

John. Sweetie. Fly.

Oh.

Uh, you don't like little people?

Oh, I don't mean little "short."

I mean little. You know, janitor,
cappuccino maker.

So, if I was a janitor, you--

you wouldn't go out with me?

Well, of course I would.

-[Door Opens]
-Ally, are they here yet?

-Who?
-Lesbians. Are they here?

Uh, no, Richard.
And only one lesbian is due in.

-Oh.
-Can I ask you,

why-why is it that men
are so fascinated by lesbians?

Do you know what they do together,
i-in private?

What?

They have sex.

[Ally] Heterosexual women have sex too.

But with men. There's nothing special
about a woman interacting with a penis.

-Unless it's your own. Am I right, John?
-[Door Opens]

-Your 10:00 is here.
-Lesbians. Excellent. Off we go.

So, seriously, you-you
would not date a janitor?

No.

Would you date a "janitette"?

A j--I--[Chuckles] Y--Yes.

[Scoffs]
Typical.

As long as she's beautiful, doesn't matter
to a man what she is inside.

They say chauvinism's dead.

Not here.

[Door Opens]

It's not that I oppose alimony,
but we were never really married.

How can you say that, Evan?
We were married for three years.

But you're gay.

You were never sexually
attracted to me. It's fraud.

[Georgia] Look. These are the same
arguments made at trial court.

-You lost "annullification."
-We didn't lose. They certified it...

to the Court of Appeals because
they recognized we may have a case.

All right. Let's--Let's not get off
track. You do not deny being gay.

-No.
-All right.

And, uh, forgive my intrusiveness,

you made love to him, even though you were
really attracted to women?

Yes.

And, uh, a little threesome
action, or did you--

-Richard.
-[Evan] I'm the one who got hurt,

and I'm the one
being asked to pay.

Evan, I tried to love you.

Yeah. Sure.

-Maybe if you were with the right guy.
-[Ally, John] Richard.

Look. We offered you
40,000 structured over--

And if that's your final offer,
then I guess we go to appeals.

-Fine.
-Fine.

-Fine.
-Fine.

[Cappuccino Machine Burbling]

Tall percent, half-and-half,
no-whip mocha.

It took me most of the day,
but I've forgiven you.

I'm glad. I was concerned.

Okay, it was
wrong for me to just kiss you like that,

but if given the opportunity,
I think I could redeem myself.

Mm-hmm. H-How about you give me my drink
and I'll grant you redemption?

Aren't you at least curious about why
I'd want to go out with you?

No. It's always the wrong guys
who hit on me.

Oh, and you feel comfortable just making
quick judgments about people?

I feel comfortable with this one.

Now, are you gonna give me my drink,
or do I have to call the manager?

How about you call for the owner?
Better yet, let him buy you dinner.

You own the store?

And three others.

Oh. That makes a difference.

I'm not a majordomo anymore.

You might have to admit
you prejudged me.

Mmm. I admit it was wrong for me to dump
a cappuccino on your head.

Mm-hmm.

The owner--

He should get chocolate.

[Exhales]

Nelle dropped these off.
Your divorce papers.

She marked up
a couple of things.

Okay. Thanks.

Night.

Sandy.

Nothin'. Night.

You okay?

Yeah.

That seems strange...

to have a marriage end
so simple.

Couple of drafts,
couple of signatures.

It's all a little, uh--

If you need to talk--

You don't want to talk about what I'm
dyin' to talk about, Sandy.

What?

Nothin'.

Maybe I'll meet you
down at the bar.

What?

I think it's no secret I'm, uh--

I'm attracted to you.

But it would be inappropriate.
You work for me.

Plus, it's still so soon, my breakup.

It's way too soon to, and it would be
totally unfair for me to--

And it would be stupid for you--Oh,

I'm not even presuming
you'd be interested, but...

I go home every night to an empty place,
and instead of missing Georgia,

I miss you.

I even started putting up pictures of
Ally, tryin' to miss her,

but I can't get my mind off you.

I'm sorry.

Sorry, I shouldn't have said that.
With a good lawyer, you could sue me.

But... you did ask.

Wouldn't be a good idea?

No.

It wouldn't.

[Phone Rings]

The Sweeney interrogatories are done.
We just need Mrs. Sweeney's signature.

-I'll call her.
-Good.

-The opinion letter for Jenny Marshall is
right here. -Good.

-Good.
-Sandy?

Are we gonna talk about it?

I'd rather not.

Okay. Why?

Because I think
it was a mistake.

-It was only a kiss. This--
-Which I think was a mistake.

Okay. Why?

I would have to be...

the biggest idiot in the world
to get involved with you.

You're a card-carrying
male chauvinist pig,

who's my boss,
coming off a divorce,

going through
some sort of midlife crisis.

It would be so dumb
to let myself--

Would it be okay if we just pretend
last night didn't happen?

-Sure.
-Thank you.

I'll be right up front about it.

I have a fetish for lesbians.
It's the pioneer in me.

Uncharted territory.

Richard, if you don't behave,
I'm gonna ask you to leave.

Now, I am nervous enough
without your nonsense.

You take the no-fault issues.
I will speak to privacy.

Okay.
[Inhales Deeply]

-Just relax. You'll--
-[Man] All rise.

[Grunts Softly]

I thought there were
three judges.

There are. They're just
giving him a head start.

Uh, who--who--What-What-What--
What is he doing here?

[John] Hammond Dearing.
Don't let his youth fool you.

He can be prickly.

[Man] This court is
now in session.

The honorable justices Graves, Morrison
and Dearing are presiding.

Be seated.

Ms. McBeal? Wow.

At long last
I know your name.

For the record, I twice asked counsel for
the petitioner out on a date,

and she twice dumped
espresso roast on my head.

If the parties have a problem,
let's address that first.

Counsel, are you okay
with me sitting?

Uh,

she dumped coffee on you?

-That's correct.
-I'm okay with that.

-Ms. McBeal? Mr. Cage?
-[Ally] What about you?

Are-Are you gonna be biased?

If I thought so,
I'd recuse myself.

He is the most progressive
of the three.

We definitely want him up there,
given what we're asking for.

-We're fine, Your Honor.
-Okay.

You are trying to vitiate a marriage

on the grounds of fraud,
because the wife is gay.

-Is that the question?
-Uh, yes, Your Honor.

Uh, a marriage is a contract,
and like any contract,

there has to be
a meeting of the minds.

Here there clearly wasn't.

-Uh, my client had no idea--
-You're saying a marriage contract...

contains the implied promise
of heterosexuality?

Yes. Uh, in fact,

in some states, a marriage isn't even
legal until it is consummated sexually.

This isn't one of those states.

Certainly, if Evan Stevens
knew that-that...

Lisa Treadway was a lesbian,
he-he would not have--

Is it possible Ms. Treadway
didn't consider...

sexual attraction to be
material to the marriage?

Not material
to the marriage?

What if Miss Treadway was heterosexual,

but she just wasn't attracted
to your client?

Should we declare that marriage
a fraud and nullify it?

Well--

[Exhales]

[Bones Clicking]

Um--

If a woman marries a man
she has no sexual interest in,

and she doesn't tell him,

yes, I think it's fraud, and I think
the marriage should be nullified.

You make no room
for the possibility t

hat there are couples who,

even on their wedding day,
are not terribly inclined

toward one another physically?

Well--

[Graves] We should annul
all those unions?

No. No, no, no, no, no, no.
Uh, yes.

Uh, of course.
Uh, we have couples--

F-For example, I'm sure
that when ugly people marry,

uh, they're not always
physically drawn to each other,

but they still want to get married,

and if they can only find
another ugly person, it--

I-I-I cannot believe
that I am... saying this.

Uh--Uh, l-let me, um,

go back.

That'd be wise.

It is one thing for two people
to get married to each other...

without any sexual interest.

Th-That's one thing.
But it is quite another...

when one of the would-be
spouses conceals

his or her sexual orientation.

-That is just fraudulent.
-So, I'm about to get married.

I have no interest sexually in
my partner. I marry her anyway,

because I love her
with all my heart.

I think she'd make a wonderful
partner and a great mother,

and I take her for my wife.
That's okay?

-Yes.
-If I'm heterosexual.

But if I'm gay, I'm not entitled
to that same opportunity?

You're twisting my words.

Well, why don't you
untwist them?

If you were gay and you told
your fiancée that you were gay,

and you still both agreed
to get married, that's fine.

But if you don't tell,
that's fraud.

What if he or she were bisexual?
Still a duty to disclose?

Well, I--Um--I-I--
Well, yes.

So, you are suggesting to this
court that, by marrying,

a person should legally forfeit
certain rights to privacy?

-That's not what I'm saying.
-You're either saying that,

Ms. McBeal, or you're
confusing this court terribly.

You know, maybe you and I
should step out

and get a cup of coffee.

How often did your client
and his wife make love

prior to their marriage?

Well, I certainly
don't know.

Well, if sexual chemistry is material

to the validity of the union,
shouldn't you know?

-Look, you know what I'm talking about.
-[John] Uh, Your Honor,

-if I may?
-No. No. You may not.

-[Nose Whistles]
-Um,

if a person goes down
the aisle, the person...

that he or she is marrying has the right
to assume that he's straight.

And the gay person has a legal duty to
reveal his sexual preference?

-Yes.
-Okay.

-We understand your position.
-Thank you.

Ms. Thomas, I don't think
we need to hear from you.

Do we? No.

The petitioner's motion to annul
the marriage is denied. We're adjourned.

[Gavel Raps]

Excuse me!

First of all, what the hell is the deal,
you working in a coffee shop?

I told you. I own it.
What, does a barista have a duty...

to tell his customers he's a judge before
forking over a cappuccino?

I suppose I defrauded you.

The hostility in that remark alone tells
me that you have bias in this case.

No, no, no.
The hostility suggests my impatience...

with motions brought by attorneys
which are a waste of this court's time.

This is a no-fault state,
Ms. McBeal,

the very reason for which
is to preempt the courts...

from asking the very question
you waltzed in here raising.

No-fault goes to
blaming people in a marriage.

This issue concerned whether there was
a valid marriage to begin with.

And though the question
may be a waste of your time,

it wasn't preempted
by the legislature, Your Anus.

I-I mean "Honor."

Spouses lie to each other
all the time.

Whether she is straight or gay--

Yes, people marry for all kinds of
reasons. Some just companionship.

Some for tax benefits.
Some just to be co-parents.

The point is, the courts don't get in
there and ask why.

Legally, one takes the other
for better or worse.

You, evidently, make the assumption gay is
worse, and maybe you're right.

-I do not make that assumption, you pig.
-You're in contempt.

-Oh, oh, gee. That'll keep me up nights.
-Security.

Show Ms. McBeal to a jail cell.

What?

You can dump coffee on my head
when I'm a civilian,

-but in here, I'm a judge.
-A horrible one.

Take her away now.

[Toilet Flushes]

[Beeps]

Sandy. Hello.

-Hi, John.
-Is everything, uh, okay?

What? Oh.

Sure.

Really?

Yeah.

Oh. There you are. We're all going down to
the bar. You want to come?

-Well--
-I can wait.

Nelle, who-who was that
who was just here?

-Excuse me?
-There was someone else just here.

-Did you see her?
-Oh, Billy's secretary?

-Yes. Do you know her name?
-Yeah. It's, uh--

Billy's secretary.
Um--Oh, Elaine probably knows it. Why?

No, just curious.

Yeah, I--I'll meet you
down at the bar.

-Hmm. Great.
-Mm-hmm.

[Vonda] ♪ It ain't
the meat, it's the motion ♪

To be so close
and not get to touch.

I'm sure another lesbian
will come along, sweetie.

-Did you know that Ally's in jail?
-Hum a few bars.

Dance?

Oh, that's sweet,
but I'm busy this lifetime.

-Maybe the next one?
-Come on.

Such a cruel joke,
God making two of them.

[Vonda] ♪ Wrapped all
around me like a rubber band ♪

♪ It ain't the meat
It's the motion ♪

♪ That makes your mama
want to rock, yeah ♪

♪ It ain't the meat
It's the motion ♪

I can't pretend
it didn't happen.

What are you
looking for, Billy?

A pretty smile
with no complications?

Maybe I'm just lookin' for
a dance. I admit it's possible.

Maybe I'm just lookin'
to be adored a little.

If I was your brother,
your best friend,

I'd give you a hundred reasons

not to dance with the guy
sitting across from you.

As the guy
sitting across from you,

dance with me.

♪ It's the movement
that gives the sock ♪

♪ Well, I met a man
He was big and fat ♪

♪ Most girls today
don't like 'em like that ♪

♪ But I like to see them
big and tall ♪

♪ The bigger they come
the harder they fall ♪

-Good night, Billy.
-♪ It ain't the meat It's the motion ♪

♪ That makes your mama
want to rock, yeah ♪

♪ It ain't the meat
It's the motion ♪♪

[Sighs]

[Keys Clinking]

[Groans]
Well, gee.

-An apology gets you out.
-Great.

I am deeply sorry
that you're such an ass.

-Let me in.
-[Buzzer Buzzes]

So, what do you want now?

You really didn't have any legal merit
to your case, okay?

-I think you know that.
-That doesn't mean I should be jailed.

You're in jail for calling me
a horrible pig.

I called you a horrible judge.
You're an ordinary pig.

Wh-Wh-What is with this-this
coffee thing anyway?

It's my only opportunity to interact with
the people on the street.

Sitting on the appeals court,
all I see are lawyers

dressed in their little
designer outfits.

-[Chuckles]
-You know, as a judge,

you should know better than to commit
a sexual assault against somebody.

-I shouldn't have kissed you. I'm sorry.
-Oh.

-And I did apologize.
-Wh-What were you thinking?

That you seemed vile, I still had a trace
of flu, and perhaps I could get you sick.

Okay, Ally, look.
We could sit here trading shots all night.

-Uh, you would lose.
-Perhaps.

Or---I am not getting dinner with you.

We can't get dinner, actually.

I did have the flu last week and got my
staff sick, and I'm short on personnel.

I'm sentencing
you to community service.

I need you to
make espressos tonight.

[Stammers] You--No.
Y-You can't make me do that.

But I can ask.

-Come on. You might enjoy it.
-[Mutters]

-I thought you were coming down.
-I am.

Well, could you speed it up? I'm getting
hit on left and right. It's tiresome.

Well, not by any janitors, I hope.

What's going on with you?
Is there a problem?

You're an elitist, Nelle.

And?

And it bothers me that
you draw class distinctions.

-Oh, please.
-Well, why wouldn't you date a janitor?

Because I prefer men
who have ambition.

And janitors don't?

Well, maybe they do,
but the ones I've met--

[Chuckles]
Name three you've met.

Hey, look. I don't see you chasing
after shoeshine girls or--

I'd have no problem
with a shoeshine girl.

If she were cute.
So, does that make you better?

You don't draw class
distinctions if she's a looker?

Well, aren't you
the open-minded one.

No, I give
all people respect.

But I got it from you immediately before
even saying hello.

Not because I was
a lawyer--or educated.

It had more to do with my being beautiful
and your wanting to have sex.

-No, that isn't--
-You're a hypocrite, John.

Men make class distinctions all the time.
They just go to body parts.

And you think that basing them on--on
economic status and--and job title--

Makes a hell of a lot
more sense. Yes.

I-I--
Sandy, okay?

-You-You don't even know her name.
-Sandy who?

Well, exactly. Billy's secretary.
You don't even know her name.

And you probably wouldn't either
if she weren't so pretty.

And maybe if I weren't a senior partner,
a man with money--

But you are, John.

I fell for your package.
You fell for mine.

The packaging counted.
Why should we apologize for it?

You should apologize for it.

Well, I don't.

I don't.

[Beeping]

Uh, $1.25, please.

Thank you.

Triple shot, tall percent,
no whip,

half-and-half, semidry latte,
double cap, sleeve--

W-W-W-W-Wait, wait, wait.

You-You can't just bark it out like that.
[Stammers] Slow down.

Tall black coffee.

[Gasps]
Oh. Oh, that's funny.

Well--

-Perfect.
-Now-Now there.

Now that looks very good on you.

Well, I'll leave it then.
Thank you.

Um, may I help you, ma'am?

-Ally?
-Sandy.

What are you
doing back there?

Uh, uh, long story.
Crazy judge. [Chuckles]

Wh-What can I, uh,
get for ya?

Oh, just a decaf, small.

Oh.

You don't exactly
seem like your perky self.

What's wrong?

A guy.

A guy.

Oh. Tell me.

-Just coming off a divorce.
-Mmm.

I like him, but I don't want to be
his rebound relationship, which--

You think you would be.
Wh-What does he say?

Oh. He says--

He actually says
all the right things.

Well, you--
you love him?

I like him.

I... could maybe.

It's Billy.

Oh.

Oh. Uh, well, he--
well, Bill--Billy?

He's, um--Billy.

I'm out of my mind.

Well, the thing is that
he seems to be out of his.

Uh, look. I'm-I'm-I'm
a friend of Georgia's.

Even though I realize
that it's over--

Yeah.

Uh, hey, Sandy.

I-I'm the last person
in the world...

to give anybody advice
about love or--

well, anything--

but I do know two things.

Well, three, actually.

Um, first,

under the bleached head, he's one of
the greatest guys I've ever met.

Second, being loved by him,

or loving him--

it's, uh, pretty special.

And third,
if he's even a maybe,

you gotta check it out,

'cause guys who
could be right or--

or even remotely
could be the one--

they don't come along often.

If... ever.

♪♪ [Pop]

[Vonda]
♪ Gimme, gimme that ding ♪

♪ Gimme that, gimme that
Gimme, gimme, gimme that ♪

♪ Gimme that ding
gimme that, gimme, gimme that ♪

♪ Gimme that ding
gimme that, gimme, gimme that ♪

♪ Gimme, gimme gimme that ding ♪

♪ Oh, gimme that, gimme that
gimme, gimme gimme that ♪

♪ Gimme that ding,
gimme that, gimme, gimme that ♪

♪ Gimme that ding,
gimme that, gimme, gimme that ♪

♪ Gimme, gimme gimme that ding ♪

♪ Oh, what good's a metronome
without a bell to ring ♪

John.

-♪ How can anybody ever tell ♪♪
-John.

-That's your angry dance.
-And I can explain that, Richard.

I'm angry!

Ah. Well, uh, what's wrong?

Nelle is a rich bitch
elitist snob.

-Oh.
-You know, she actually considers it...

beneath her
to date a janitor?

How do I even go home at night
to a woman like that?

-Well, there could be worse things.
-Like what?

Well, you could go home
and find her with a janitor.

Oh, balls.

John. It's a good thing.

Most women, when they get married,
they want that big, big house,

and the husband has to work, work, work to
be able to build her that big, big house.

And while he's working, she gets lonely
and shtups the contractor.

Circle of life, John.
You're better off with Nelle.

Do you mean that?

Let me tell ya, the little jingle aside,
all men are not created equal.

Some are big and strong,
some are short and fat,

some are clever, some are strange,
some are handsome, some aren't.

And for those non-handsome,
short, strange little men--

and I think we know who
we're talking about, John--

he needs an equalizer.

The equalizer is money.
Let me say it again. Money.

Let's go for trilogy.
Money.

You're-You're a funny
little man with money.

And Nelle loves money.

Instead of condemning her
for her values,

you-you-you should be grateful,
otherwise...

what chance on this earth
do you stand of getting her?

Thank you, Richard.

As always, your perspective
is refreshing.

[Vonda] ♪ I love coffee
I love tea ♪

♪ I love the java jive
and it loves me ♪

♪ Coffee and tea
and the java and me ♪

♪ A cup, a cup
a cup, a cup, a cup ♪

♪ Oh, slip me a slug
from the wonderful mug ♪

♪ And I cut a rug
till I'm snug in a jug ♪

♪ Waiter, waiter, percolator ♪

-[No Audible Dialogue]
-♪ I love coffee I love tea ♪

♪ I love the java jive
and it loves me ♪

♪ Coffee and tea
and the java and me ♪

♪ Ooh, a cup, a cup
a cup, a cup ♪

-♪ Yeah ♪♪
-[No Audible Dialogue]

Uh, it's--it's--
it's better than practicing law.

You-You just give your client a cup
of coffee, and--and he walks away.

Satisfied.

And the most fulfilling part
is I look very good in an apron.

-Yes, you do.
-What about you?

Uh, in an apron?

Well, you seem happier
in it than you do in the robe.

Well, the robe has its perks.

Ah.

This is me.

I'd invite you in
for a cup of coffee, but--

-You'd dump it on my head.
-There's the chance.

[Chuckles] Look.
Is there any possibility...

I could get a real date
out of all this?

There's a... possibility.

Tomorrow night?

I'd have to check.
I kind of date a lot.

Tomorrow night
would probably work.

Good night, Hammond.

Good night.

This isn't a kiss. This would just be
a polite peck good night.

Uh, that-that was
very courteous.

[Chuckles]
Night.

-Ally.
-Hmm?

Your case--did you really believe all
that stuff you were saying?

Actually, yeah.
[Chuckles]

Why?

Well,

in the spirit of honesty, then,
I guess I should tell you...

I'm bisexual.

-What are you gonna do?
-I don't know.

This is worse than the last one.
He just turned out to be homeless.

Would-Would you date
a bisexual man?

Yes.

So, why are you seeing this
as such a crisis?

Well, I'm trying to
look at it through your eyes.

-When are you gonna see him again?
-[Groans] Tonight.

Are you sure you didn't agree
to meet with him sooner?

It would explain why he's here.

Hammond. Bye.
Hi. Hello.

I couldn't sleep.
Can we talk?

Sure.

-Elaine.
-I know it might seem inappropriate...

for me to stay and listen,
but just this once?

Elaine.

Fine.
[Clears Throat]

-[Door Closes]
-Why couldn't you sleep?

I kept seeing your face.
You looked a little... thrown.

Well, I-I was
probably just, um--

Well, I'm so sick and tired...

of-of guys at the end of a date telling me
that they're bisexual.

-It gets old.
-Right. And now you're covering.

I-I was thrown.

[Exhales] Does my disclosure
make a difference?

Yes.

Why?

Well, uh--

The truth is, I--
I don't actually date, Hammond.

N-Not for
the fun of it, anyway.

I--I more like audition
potential husbands.

And--And if I don't see
any potential in it, I--

I don't waste my time.

Uh-huh. And you see no potential in me
because I'm bisexual.

-Yes.
-Which brings me back to why?

I...

suppose I associate
a lifestyle of...

promiscuity with bisexuality.

It may not be fair,
but I do.

I suppose
I'm--I'm insecure...

that a bisexual man has sexual needs
that I can't fulfill.

I suppose I like to think of my husband
taking my son to a ball game and--

and not having to worry whether daddy is
checking out the pitcher's glutes.

I-I suppose
I'm--I'm nervous...

about my kids
being teased...

because of their
father's sexual--

I suppose I'm--
I'm worried about diseases.

I suppose, in the end, I'm far more
homophobic than I...

ever imagined.

May I respond?

-Go ahead.
-As for your concern over promiscuity,

when any person gets married,
he or she pledges fidelity.

For you to assume a bisexual person is

less able to be monogamous,
that is a prejudice.

As for taking
my son to a ball game--

If your straight husband took your
daughter to a women's basketball game...

and you were concerned about daddy
checking out the point guard's glutes,

you'd have issues to work on with
your husband, straight or not.

As for your fears of your kids being
teased, that's cowardice.

Your fears of disease--ignorance, bias.
Take your pick.

As for your all-too-comfortable
resignation to being homophobic,

without the will to root out the "why" or
the compulsion to address it,

that's as sad
as it is inexcusable.

You make for
a great judge, Hammond.

And a good guy.

But-But-But the only thing that is really
relevant in this discussion is that...

I don't want to
go out with you.

[Door Closes]

Do you really
want to try this?

Sandy, I'm beginning
to think you're crazier--

-Do you really want to try this?
-You know I do.

There have to be ground rules.

-No physical contact in this office.
-Okay.

No flirting,
no unprofessional behavior,

no sudden expectations
of me doing your laundry.

-I would never.
-No lying.

If there's any relapse
with Georgia--

-That won't happen.
-No physical contact in this office.

-You said that one.
-No Palmer girls.

-Already gone.
-No contact or unprofessional--

Sandy, I would do nothing to jeopardize
your job or your career.

I, uh, respect--

Uh, Bi--

Oh, excellent.
She'll sue. Excellent.

[Door Closes]

Great. It's already
out in the open.

Yeah.

[Toilet Flushes]

Nelle, hi. How's it goin'?
Met any cute custodians lately?

Kidding.

Ally. Everything okay?

Fine.

Look. Uh, I might be a little off base
here, but, uh--

I don't know. It--
It seems in court...

there may have been some chemistry between
you and one of those judges.

And looking at you now,
I can't help but wonder, is he bi?

Elaine hinted.

[Exhales Deeply] I think my fear came
from ignorance, Richard.

Ally,

the thing
you have to remember--

50% of all marriages end in divorce
because men cheat.

Fifty percent
of married men cheat?

Oh, no, no, no.
No. Uh, 50% get caught.

What I'm trying to say is,
men have urges.

They're victims of their urges.
Imagine if Clinton were bi.

It could have been Linda Tripp
under that desk.

That isn't funny, Richard.

My point is, what are your odds with this
guy? He wants to sleep with everything.

That is the same bigotry
I was guilty of.

I-I let my fear just take me over,
and--[Sighs]

and now a good man is gone.

Well--Well,
if you feel that way--

Is it too late?

No. No, Richard.

It--It isn't.

-It isn't.
-[Chuckles] Great.

[Door Closes]

Can I talk to you?

Actually, I'm cleaning up
my office at the moment,

which I assume would be
a turnoff to you.

[Groans]
Will you drop this janitor crap?

I can't drop it. You are a stuck-up,
intolerant snob, Nelle.

-Why don't you just admit it? -John, have
you any clue as to how weird you are?

-Look at this.
-[Whirring]

Huh?

-Oh, and how about this one?
-[Unsnaps]

Look what I put up with.
I date a man...

who has remotes
for toilets, my shoes,

my hairpins,

who can't make love to me unless
he pretends he's Barry White.

His nose whistles.
And what?

You now accuse me
of not being tolerant.

-Would you date me if I didn't have money?
-Of course.

But would I have been as attracted
to you if you weren't successful?

-Quite possibly no.
-And that's what troubles me.

Well, then, you're a dweeb.

Uh--Did you say "dweeb"?

[Exhales Sharply] When you
were in high school,

the girls would laugh
at you, John.

You've told me yourself.

The guys would pick on you,
and the girls would giggle,

and you'd say to yourself,
"One day they'll see.

One day I'll be rich and successful,
and they'll all like me then."

And what happens?
You go out and you become

rich and successful,
and everybody likes you.

And you can't handle it.

If you want people
to embrace who you used to be,

then why don't you go back to being
the dweeb you were in high school?

[Whirs]

[Vonda]
♪ I found love ♪

♪ On a two-way street ♪

-♪ And lost it on a lonely byway ♪♪
-[Gasps]

-♪♪ [Stops]
-[Record Needle Scratches]

[Vonda]
♪ I looked at love ♪

♪ From both sides now ♪♪

-♪♪ [Stops]
-[Record Needle Scratches]

[Vonda]
♪ Round, round, get around I get around ♪

[Grunting]

♪♪ [Recording Warbles, Ends]

I can jump up and down
if I want.

[Vonda]
♪ If you want him to be ♪

♪ The very part of you ♪

♪ That makes you
want to breathe ♪

♪ Here's the thing to do ♪

♪ Tell him that you're never
gonna leave him ♪

♪ Tell him that you're
always gonna love him ♪

♪ Tell him, tell him, tell him
tell him right now ♪

♪ Whoo ♪

♪ Tell him that you're never
gonna leave him ♪

♪ Tell him that you're always
gonna love him ♪♪

Did you come
to dump coffee on my head?

[Chuckles]
No. No, I--I came--

[Exhales Deeply] Well, I've
been rethinking, and, uh--

And?

And, um,

I agree that I am completely
guilty of bigotry and--

And?

And--

Uh--

I just can't get by it.

I realize that it's my loss,
but I just--

I can't get by it.

Last night I heard you
advise a woman if--

if a guy could even
remotely be the one,

how can you not
check it out?

I know.

But, um--

But sometimes
prejudice wins out.

Is that what you came
to tell me?

No.

I guess I came
to say good-bye.

[Exhales Sharply]

[Vonda]
♪ If you want him to be ♪

♪ The very part of you ♪

♪ That makes you want to breathe ♪

♪ Here's the thing to do ♪

♪ Tell him that
you're never gonna leave him ♪

♪ Tell him that
you're always gonna love him ♪

♪ Tell him, tell him, tell him
tell him right now ♪♪

[Woman] You stinker!