All language subtitles for Harley Quinn - S01 E03 - So You Need a Crew (1080p - DCU Web-DL)

Dasvidaniya suka!

You speak Russian?

I can only say two things.

And the other one.

[alarm buzzes]

[grumbles]

[alarm buzzes]

[struggling]

[alarm buzzes]

[grunting]

- Yes!
- [alarm buzzes]

Oh, God! Are you shittin' me?

[Joker laughing]

Joker!

- This is my score.
- Well, it was.

[clicks open]

But it's mine now.

The only reason you're
getting this and I'm not,

is you got a bunch of goons
that do whatever you say.

That's not true!

Goons, throw Harley out.

[both] Whatever you say, boss.

Whoa!

[sighs] I need a fucking crew.

No, you need a shower.

[theme music playing]

So, you didn't get the warhead?

No. Joker stole it
'cause he had a crew.

Like all real supervillains.

I mean, I get by just
fine on my own. So...

[coughing sarcastically] Your
independence is quite inspiring.

- Oh, can it, Frank.
- I love you, Ivy.

You know, Ive, I could have
really used your help out there.

Honestly, I really think
that crews are over-rated.

You know, it's like, some very
successful supervillains work alone.

Like look at this guy.
Look at Dr. Psycho.

Perfect example.

Doesn't have a crew,
yet still taking on Wonder Woman.

Like a champ.

[people screaming]

Still too scared to fight me
with your own hands, Psycho?

What a grand idea!

[choking]

[laughing]

I'm sorry. What's that?

You really want your last words to be...
[mimics choking]

[Wonder Woman screams]

- That really hurt, you [bleep]!
- [all gasp]

[gasps]

[both gasp]

Holy shit!

Well, see! If he had a crew, that would
have told him to use the B word instead.

And if I had one,
I'd use that warhead to blackmail Gotham

into naming a highway after me.

Huh? A highway. All right.

Well, you know, that took a weird turn.
[slurps]

[sighs in frustration] Mmm.

So you're certain this whole [bleep]
thing is gonna blow over, right?

- Oh, yeah. - Sure,
yeah. A few talk show appearances...

- Cry about how you love your wife.
-[laughing]

It's exactly what
we had Mr. Freeze do

when he exposed himself
at the Gotham water park.

You guys fixed that?
Wow, you're good.

- And by good, I mean bad!
- [both laughing]

Come on!

Ms. Quinn,
we've been expecting you.

- Thank you.
- Let's get you henched up.

That's Cronk. He's muscle.

If you don't mind crazy roid
rage, he's your man.

- The Professor, he's brainy.
- So smart.

He's not brainy with names
though, huh?

- Oh, my God, so right.
- [both laughing]

Beautiful.

Meet Blaze!

- Explosive. Lotta buzz on him.
- Boom.

- Lotta chatter.
- [making chatter effect]

Lotta heat.

Yes, and if you don't take him today,
he'll have seven offers tomorrow.

- Goodbye.
- Hell, I'll take 'em all.

I'll crush Joker with
this team behind me.

- I thought you were his girlfriend.
- No.

- I dumped that bum weeks ago.
- You didn't go back to him?

- Yeah, like you always do.
- No. I'm on my own now.

So, when can these guys start?

- I'm sorry. These men are unavailable.
- For how long?

- For...
- Ever?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, forever.

Well, I don't need ya.
I don't need any of ya!

I'll put together my own crew who's
excited to work with a real up-and-comer.

If you get back together with
Joker, our doors are always...

[people chattering indistinctly]

Hey! Hey! Hey, you!

Are you tired of being
a lousy sidekick?

Abused, shit on,
used as a human shield?

Then come work for me.

You'll get top dollar,
great benefits,

and I won't ever, knowingly,
send you to your deaths.

[screaming]

Wait,
was she talking about a job

where we don't have to jump into
hell portals and definitely die?

Oh, just shut up and jump.

[screaming] I'm
definitely dying!

I promise you it'll
be better than that.

Join me, and we'll be doing
million dollar heists in no time.

- Who's with me?
- Can't.

- Busy.
- I got a family emergency.

[stammering] I have a thing.

[screaming]

- Assholes.
- No. No. No. No.

Before you open
your female trap,

no way in hell I'm
working for you.

Who asked ya?

Can you believe [bleep]
guy's rejecting me?

[southern accent] Well, ma'am,
I don't know nothing about that.

I'm just a simply farm
boy from Oklahoma.

I got two parents, three girls,
four boys, two lab mixes,

both uncut on a small ranch
just outside of Muskogee.

- What's your problem, weirdo?
- Why, Ms...

I don't have no problem,
because I am actually...

[growls]

- Jeez.
- Good, fuckin' God.

The name is Clayface.

Thespian extraordinaire recently
portraying the juicy role

of country boy bartending
in the big city.

I thought you were playing the
role of "literal piece of shit."

Not yet.

- Ugh. It's in my hair.
- Now I'm a literal piece of shit.

- Okay.
- [thudding]

Is it Clayface or Fuckface?

Hey! Kite Man here.
Thinking about doing a caper, gang.

Not sure what, might steal
something, might kidnap somebody.

I don't know, uh, depending on the weather.
But Kite will be involved.

- Who's in?
- [all] I am! Let's do this!

I do not fucking believe this.

And then, they all ran off
with that loser Kite Man.

Yeah.

What a loser that guy is.
Did he mention my name?

You know what, nevermind.

- But did he?
- There must be something I'm missing.

- How do I get people to work for me?
- She has no fuckin' idea.

Because plants do all this
shit for her lazy ass.

[dismissive groan] There must be
someone who can gimme the inside scoop.

Babe, what real supervillain is
gonna give away their trade secrets?

Well, maybe not "give away."

[lights clank off]

[thunder cracking]

I am Maxie Zeus!

And tonight, I "max"

all your dreams come true!

This guy's such a douche.

I'm sorry, but none of the charming
villains with great personalities

were holding seminars today.

Joker. Riddler. Two-Face.

What do they have
that you don't?

- [Poison Ivy] A penis?
- A crew!

A villain goes in alone,

but a supervillain
needs henchmen.

When I robbed the
1996 Olympics...

-[crowd applauding] - Oh, thank you
very much, just lovely. Fun times.

My crew helped me
steal those medals.

And now I literally
sleep on a pile of gold.

Ivy, you hear that?
Sleeps on gold!

Honestly, with the amount
of coke this guy does,

I doubt he's
sleeping on anything.

So, how does one recruit goons?

Through a henchmen agency,

- or from popular villain...
- [Harley] Oh, oh, oh, oh...

Yes.
The juggler in the third row.

Mr. Zeus, I tried those
things and they didn't work.

You can't let rejection stop you.
Think about the big boys.

Darkseid. Luthor. Maxie.

- Are we quitters?
- [crowd] No!

Neither are you!

Okay, I'm out.

Oh, sorry, sorry.
Didn't know you were busy.

No, no. Come in.

Just letting my legs breathe.

You were so inspiring.

- If you don't mind, I got a couple
questions. - And I've got one big answer.

[seductive music playing]

Wow. That's just like one of those paintings,
you know, where the eyes follow you,

-except, nope, it's just your
greased-up nipples. - Just between us,

I painted it. Shh.

Weird. So, hey, I was wondering
if you'd just gimme some pointers.

Well,
I can certainly give you one.

Ah, got it!
So you're just a creepy dick.

- I'm not fucking you.
- Oh, really?

You were laughed out of UTI.

Yeah! Word gets around.

You'll never get a crew!

Because no bad guy will
ever work for a woman.

- My two cents.
- Then here's mine.

See a urologist,
'cause creepy dick wasn't just an insult,

it was a concern.

And if no bad guy
will work with me,

then maybe I don't
need a "bad guy."

Harley, I told you
this, I work alone.

Alone-ish.

- Don't even get me started right now.
- Come on, Ive.

With your ability to control
all plant life on Earth,

and my gymnastics, I mean,
there's nothing we can't do if we team up.

I said no. I mean, I got a brand.
You know?

It's like, adding gymnastics to
it, it's a very muddled message.

Tell her the real reason,
you lying motherfucker.

[sighs] Oh, God, here we go.

All right, so look, there's a glass
ceiling for female supervillains, okay?

Like, sure, we're tolerated,
but as long as we don't get too powerful.

- Aren't you being a little dramatic?
- Guess whose naive ass

who hasn't heard of
the Queen of Fables.

Go on, Ivy, tell your story.
I'll set the mood.

All right, all right.
Thanks, Frank.

So, a long time ago, way back in the '80s.
There was this

powerful sorceress, right?
She's known as the Queen of Fables.

Fed up of being a footnote
to the male supervillains,

she decided to turn Gotham into
an evil force by using sorcery

to pull characters from
the pages of storybooks.

Until she had a whole
army at her command.

- Well, what happened to her?
- Ask her yourself.

[woman speaking indistinctly]

FYI, bailin' out your klepto
aunt with the snow globe fetish

does not count. Next.

- Uh, hey, I'm looking for the Queen
of Fables? - Just found her, sweetie.

No. Why you lookin' up there for?
Here.

The book. Me.
I'm stuck in this bullshit.

I've got 20 minutes till my
next appointment. What's up?

Hey, my name's Harley Quinn.
I'm a new supervillain,

and I was told I should
ask what happened to you.

[sighs and coughs] All right,
buckle up, honey, it's story time.

So there I was with my crew,
a bunch of dumb storybook things,

when the heroes showed up.
Ugh! It was a horror.

No, no, no.
There's no way Superman did that.

I exaggerate to add flavor.

But the truth is, they punished me in
a way no one has ever been punished.

No!

[sighs] Instead of throwing me
into Arkham like any male villain,

they came up with this bullshit.

I mean, a guy robs a bank,
he's a criminal mastermind.

- A woman robs a bank...
- She's a crazy bitch.

Exactly! Think about it.

A male supervillain can literally
look like a deformed penguin,

but God forbid we outshine
them even a little bit,

and into the fucking tax book we
go, forever.

Yeah,
you can get as big as you want,

- as long as you don't get bigger
than them. - Yeah. You get it.

And your ambition
won't just hurt you,

it'll hurt the people
you care most about.

- Birthday cake for the boss at 4:00.
- Thanks, Mark.

God, I hate this place.

But at least I'm not on the streets
turning tricks for cash anymore.

[grumbles] Who knows.
Maybe your story will turn out different.

I couldn't get a crew 'cause
no one believed in me.

So I had to make my own by believing
in stupid little things like Mark.

- No offense, Mark.
- [Mark sighs]

- Queen of Fables, pretty fun, right?
- Oh, she was pretty bleak.

Before I left she was like,
"I have to use the bathroom.

There, I did it."

Did you send me to her because
you think I can't do this?

No, Harley, I sent you there
because I know that you can.

Look... [sighs] I just wanted you
to know what you're up against,

you know, 'cause I, uh...
I love ya.

- Don't make a thing of it.
- [Frank crying]

[wails]

Anybody feel this shit but me?

A man can't show emotion!

A man?

Fuck you, Ivy.

Look, I appreciate your warning but
what Queen of Fables made me realize,

is if I want a crew, I shouldn't be
looking for scumbags who believe in me,

I should be looking for scumbags
no one else believes in.

Right, okay.

So, so, so, that was the take
away from the chain-smoking book,

- and the trick turning cookie?
- Yeah!

And I know just where to start.

[audience applauds]

Welcome back.
We have here Dr. Psycho.

-[audience boos] - He says he's here
to apologize for using the C word.

- [woman] Woman hater!
- What? [Laughing]

Hate women? I cherish them.

No one on God's green Earth
respects women like this one.

I know. I know. Giganta,

girl,
how you feelin' about all this?

She is devastated,

that the world is attacking
a man she knows is so kind,

- is so loving...
- Let's hear it in her own words.

Those are her own words.

I'm a telepath, right?

She thinks it, I say it.
Isn't that right, honey?

- [audience boo]
- She said "Right."

She did not say "Right"!

Did y'all hear her say "Right"?

- She was talking to me!
- Mmm-hmm.

An individual person who
exists outside of you!

- Go, girl. - A person who,
for years you mind controlled...

- Don't do this.
- Into thinking they loved you!

- Do not do this!
- A person who is leaving you!

- Why, you get back here, you miserable...
[bleep] -[all gasp]

[gasps]

Holy shit!

He just became the least
employable person on Earth.

Exactly.

So, you know, I thought, hey,
maybe you should join me and my crew.

[chuckles] Join you?

I'm in the big leagues, mama.

The L.O.D.

The Legion of Doom.

Hard pass!

We cannot condone Dr. Psycho's
use of the C Word,

as it does not represent
our brand of evil.

We hereby banish him
from the Legion of Doom,

Legion of Doom Europe,
and The Junior Doomers of America.

Did I say hard pass?

I meant soft accept.

I wanna join your crew.

Not because I think
working for a female

will help rehabilitate my ruined
image, blah, blah, blah...

It's for other reasons.

I don't hate women!

Kinda seems like you do.

Whoo-hoo, the salty language
that comes outta your mouth.

I'm just glad my Mama Jean
ain't allowed to hear it.

Even hot southern bartender character
thinks you're a piece of shit.

But I believe in you,
and I think you have a part to play.

Did you say a "part"?

Then you must also
require the services of...

- Oh!
- Fuck, not again.

- An actor!
- You're damn right I do.

You, me, and Psycho.

This is gonna be the
start of something huge.

So,
what's our first evil scheme?

Is it a nuke in a volcano?

Evil scheme?
Oh, a honey pot heist

where I seduce Gotham's mayor
with my saucy Sheila character?

How do you feel about
petty, personal vendettas?

No, I'd say more
unsettling than creepy.

No, disturbing.
That's it. Found it.

All right, we're gonna steal
this asshole's gold medals

and anything else we
can get out hands on.

- Like the saying goes...
- "Hell hath no fury

like a woman scorned."

Oh, I was gonna say,
"The prick has it coming."

But yeah,
I like your fancy way better.

All right, here's the plan.
Me and Psycho will go in through the back,

find his loot,
and clean him out.

Clayface, you go knock on the front
door, pretend to be the mailman

- to distract him.
- What do we know about this mailman?

What are his dreams?
His fears, his raison d'etre?

Who gives a shit?
You're just a mailman.

Brilliant!
That's what the world sees.

Just a mailman.

But we... [chuckles] We know
better, don't we?

He was a horribly
neglected little boy,

and he grew up in a cage!

The only time he heard
rumblings from the outside world

was when the mailman came, which is
why he spent his whole life dreaming

of being one.

Yeah, no. None of that.
You're just a mailman. Deliver the mail.

- Oh! She demands perfection,
doesn't she? -[groans]

- And she'll get it.
- Mmm-hmm.

My mind is awhirl with a
delicious new character

- who you'll soon meet.
- No, I can't even.

Who dares disturb a living god,

after 9:00 p.m.?

Here's your mail... Dad.

- Dad?
- Years ago

you met my ma in a piano bar,

and knew you must have her.

Damn what your parents thought.

She might have been from the
wrong side of the tracks,

but she was on the right
side of your heart.

- The fuck is he doing?
- I'm done.

It's really you?

I...
I thought I'd lost you forever

after Piano Bar Janet said she

- "took care of it."
- Oh, she tried.

- But it didn't take.
- Of course it didn't.

For you are half god!

So, who do you need me to
mind control to open the door?

No, no, no one.
Just squeeze in the crawl space,

get into the house,
and open it from the inside.

Are you shittin' me?

I'm a genius telepath,
why you wasting me on this?

You're the only thing
small enough to fit.

Got it.

Son of a bitch!

- [thudding]
- Argh!

My eyelashes just
touched a dead raccoon!

Quit your bitchin'
and keep going.

God this is humiliating.

[Maxie Zeus] Son,
we have much to catch up on.

Yes, Father.
Or should I call you... Dad?

Call me almighty Zeus.
God of the sky and thunder.

Supreme ruler of Olympus,
and all of Earth below.

Okey-doke.

[Dr. Psycho] Wow!
And I'm an egomaniac.

[Harley] Yeah.
This looks about right.

Where the fuck does he
keep those stupid medals?

Easy. He said he literally
sleeps on a pile of gold.

[grunts]

And then after getting
the Medal of Honor in war

I toured the world
playing ping-pong.

What a remarkable journey
your life has been.

And so oddly similar to
that of Forrest Gump.

It is rather strange you don't share
your mother's brilliant blue eyes.

My mistake, I guess.

Trick of the light.

Although I don't know how you
avoided her family proclivity for...

Hunchback?

Ah-ha! The Olympic gold medals.

What the hell?

Son, you are the spitting
image of your mother.

[lisping] I'm so glad you think
so, Daddy Zeus.

But it's so sad she
suffered from a lisp.

Oh, you lying piece of shit!

Do you really think
I'd fall for this?

Perhaps?

Who do you work
for, monstrosity?

Joker?

Oh, no, you didn't!

Wait, wait, wait,
don't emasculate him.

Riddler?

No, no, no, he's about to rally.
I can feel it.

The Penguin?

Tell me who you work for, creature,
or the next blow will be a killing one.

He works for me, you oily bitch!

Well, if it isn't the girl I
chose not to have sex with.

Regrettably,
you're too late I'm afraid.

[whimpers] No!

[screams]

[lisping] Thanks, Psycho.

All right, dickhead.
Just drop the lisp.

I wish I could,
but I bit my tongue.

You said no woman could
ever get a crew of bad guys.

Well,
I didn't just get bad guys,

I got two of the fuckin' worst.

You call that a crew?

A midget and a mudslide?
[laughs]

I'll give you once
chance to tell the world

Harley Quinn's crew ain't
nothing to fuck with.

Or what?

[snaps finger]

Fine.

- I'll say it.
- Oh, I know you will.

Motivational speaker,
and self-proclaimed supervillain,

Maxie Zeus,
was found beaten this morning.

- [Maxie Zeus groans]
- Oh, oh! Follow me, follow me.

Mr. Zeus, how did this happen?

Who did this terrible
thing to you?

All I can say is,

Harley Quinn's crew ain't
nothing to fuck with.

Sounds like Harley Quinn,
former girlfriend of the Joker,

is striking out on her own.

Holy fucking shit, Harls.
You did it.

I would not have
seen that coming.

It's been 30 long years since
a female villain had a crew.

When the Queen of Fables tried to
smash through that glass ceiling

but was imprisoned in the US
Tax Code by The Justice League.

'Cause they're bitches.

But I'll be damned.

Harley's actually going for it.

One thing's for
sure, the Joker's ex

may soon become his
biggest competitor.

- This is...
- [gun firing]

Well, you know, congratulations.

I mean, I know gold medals
aren't a nuclear warhead,

but you gonna start somewhere.

Oh, no, I got a warhead.

I traded the gold medals for it.

Get outta town, where is it?

I used it to blackmail the
city just like I said I would.

Hey, y'all, it's me again.
This just in,

we take you live to a high-speed
chase on the abruptly renamed.

Harley Quinn Parkway.

I'll be fuckin' damned.
Totally worth it.

Right?

[theme music playing]