All language subtitles for Crows.are.White.2022.1080p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-KUCHU

I'll be honest with you.

I'm a fantastic liar.

But I'm trying
something new here.

I'm gonna try to tell the truth.

There's only one road
into Mount Hiei.

Outsiders are rarely allowed in.

And it's taken me two years
to get permission to visit.

I'm here to meet a monk

who's part of
a secretive Buddhist sect.

But as I climb up this mountain,

I can't stop thinking

about the mess
I've left back home.

I'm not the type of person

you'd expect to go
to a Japanese monastery.

I'm not a Buddhist.

And I don't even meditate.

But I've been living
a double life

and I thought by coming here,
I'd find a way out.

I had no idea how complicated
things were about to get.

This is Kamahori.

The reason I'm here.

He's been chosen
for the Kaihogyo.

One of the most dangerous
rituals in Buddhism.

He must walk a marathon
nearly every night

for 7 years.

If he fails for any reason,

he's vowed to commit suicide.

But if he survives,

he'll become a living Buddha.

Kamahori has dedicated his life
to pursuing enlightenment.

The highest form of truth.

And that's why I've come here.

To speak with him.

But there's a problem.

Kamahori has taken
a vow of silence.

So, we just sit like this.

Kamahori comes
from a long line of Tendai monks

who have lived on this mountain
for 1,200 years.

All Buddhist monks
seek alignment.

But these monks are different.

They believe
it can only be attained

through acts of extreme
physical endurance.

The monks claim they walk
all night,

and can go months without sleep.

Much of Tendai's teachings
are secret.

And most rules
have not been written down.

It's only on this mountain
that knowledge is passed directly

between teacher and student.

Since Kamahori won't talk
to anyone,

I meet with a monk known
as a saintly master

of the severe practice.

I've been secluded
on this mountain for twelve years.

Even if my parents die,
I can't leave.

After I entered the monastery

I sometimes asked myself,
"Why did I come here?"

During the Kaihogyo

we embark on a pilgrimage

where we push ourselves to our limits.

It's not an ascetic practice of walking.

We walk in order to visit
places of worship.

It takes seven or eight years
to complete.

If you translate the distance
into kilometers

it's the same
as the circumference of the earth.

Giving up before finishing means

that you have to commit suicide.

It's strange to say this but...

you can achieve anything
you are willing to die for.

The path to enlightenment
seems like a lot of work.

So I ask him
if he has any advice

for ordinary people like me.

You are asking how we feel
about ordinary people?

People are...

controlled by their desires.

We reject those desires completely.

My master once said

"Do something difficult
rather than something easy."

You must be able to tolerate
undesirable situations.

If you're running away,
you haven't overcome weakness.

Letting go of my desires
feels impossible.

I decide to take a chance

and talk about what's
really on my mind.

I ask him if he's ever
been in love.

I don't understand
why you are asking me that question.

I don't understand the intention.

I asked this monk

if he's ever felt loss
in his life.

I don't want to talk
about personal feelings.

I want to know
if he ever has any regrets.

I don't...

quite understand the question.

If we keep everything in the open

people filming
may misinterpret the information.

That's why we don't show everything.

Some aspects are kept secret

because if you're not ready to see

you won't understand the meaning.

I thought that
by talking to the monks,

I could learn from their wisdom.

But I need to find
a different approach.

I'm gonna immerse myself
in Kamahori's practice

and follow him
on his nightly walks.

If enlightenment
is achieved through walking,

maybe this
is the best way to learn.

I've been circling this mountain
for over a month.

And even though I walk
almost every night,

I've never seen Kamahori eat

drink, or take a break.

I only followed him
for a fraction of the distance,

and yet I'm the one
who's exhausted.

And no matter how much time
we spend together,

he never acknowledges me.

With no one to talk to,
I think about

why I've spent my life
running away from religion,

and how I ended up here.

The longer he's silent,

the more desperate I am
to talk to him.

I search for clues as to what
he's thinking or feeling.

Though most of the time,

I'm just staring
at the back of his head.

I was starting to feel
like this was going nowhere.

When I get some news.

I'm invited to witness
the sacred ritual

called Gotai Tochi.

Every monk aspiring
to be like Kamahori

must pass this test.

The monks have never
allowed outsiders into this room.

And I can tell my presence
makes them nervous.

In honor of our founder

a monk must cleanse his soul.

It's like a test.

We place elbows, knees and forehead

on the floor to show utmost respect.

You must continue
until you see Buddha

or until you're dead.

These are the only two options.

Being in this room
feels oddly familiar.

I used to pray like this
when I was a kid.

Five times a day until I felt
like I was in a trance.

My mom told me that
if I missed even a single prayer,

I'd end up in hell.

So I prayed as much as I could.

I pressed my head
into the ground until it hurt.

I wanted to bruise my forehead

to prove to her
that I was devoted.

As I'm thinking about home,

something happens.

- Now he's saying, don't film him.
- Ah, okay.

We're escorted
out of the monastery.

I try to apologize,
but the monks are furious.

Can I have your camera?
I don't know.

I hope we have everything.

I could've sworn
my phone was on vibrate.

I feel like the monks were
just starting to trust me.

Now, they must think
I'm a complete idiot.

When I get to the hotel,

I call my mom back.

Why is it so dark in our picture?

- Peace be upon you.
- How are you?

I'm fine, praise be to God.

Smile a bit and show us.

Sorry.
It's just been a stressful time.

How will you sort out
the monks' project?

Yes, how will you wind it up?

I haven't...

figured it out.

Well, if they're doing this,
then you have to take it as a refusal.

They are ill-mannered. First the camera...
They could do anything, they are dangerous.

You are endangering yourself
by going there.

How do they live?
Do they live in the mountains?

Daddy made a fantastic suggestion
and I think he is right.

What's Dad's suggestion?

It is unproductive labor, effort.

You could've completed
many other things during this time.

Now leave this behind,
just complete it, that's all.

Okay, God willing, it'll be fine,
don't worry.

Trim your mustache a little?

- Mom, I've hat it for ten years!
- Really?

No, no, please trim it.

Dad has a lot of theories
about what makes labor productive.

And none of them involve
making this film.

These days, we can't seem
to agree on anything.

But it wasn't always like that.

It's hard to imagine
that as a kid,

I wanted to be just like him.

Growing up in Saudi Arabia,

my dream was to grow a beard

longer than my grandfather's

and to become the greatest
religious prophet in the world.

I idolized the Imams on TV.

Back then, my world was small.

This was my neighborhood.

This was the countryside.

This is where
we went to the beach.

And this is how everyone prayed.

On my 10th birthday,
my dad told me that

God was throwing
a huge fireworks display

in my honor.

But the truth was,
the Gulf War had started.

Afraid the violence would spread,

my parents moved us
to the other side of the world.

We ended up in a place
I'd never heard of.

A small Irish town called Cavan.

Everything was different,
and I loved it.

This was my new neighborhood.

This was the countryside.

This was
what the beach was like.

And this is how everyone prayed.

Bring us to everlasting life.

Then puberty hit.

And I changed.

My parents changed too.

They became scared.

Scared that I would
stray away from Islam,

and lose my Muslim identity.

So they enforced a religious rule
for every aspect of life.

And I was told
that breaking the rules

meant going to hell.

Food could only be touched
with my right hand.

The bathroom,
only entered with my left foot.

Toe.

Toe.

You've got the wrong foot
coming forward.

Even drinking water
became complicated.

I had to sit, pray,

and take at least 3 sips.

Otherwise,
it was considered a sin.

My home had turned into a prison
that I couldn't escape.

That's when I started lying.

At first, it was small things.

Yes, mom.
I'm eating with my right hand.

Of course. I walked into the bathroom
with my left foot.

Yep. I took
three gulps of water.

After graduating college,
I ran away to America.

I'd tell my parents
what they wanted to hear.

That I was a good Muslim boy.

The lies grew with time.

But now, I have a lie so big,

that even I'm intimidated by it.

I've been hiding
the woman I love,

for 6 years,

who I recently became
engaged to.

Dawn.

This is all really confusing

If I tell my parents the truth,
I'll lose them.

But if I do nothing,
I could lose Dawn.

And without a solution,

I just can't face
going back home.

I need to return
to the mountain.

As crazy as it sounds,

I still believe Kamahori
can help me with all this.

Some parts of the monastery
are open to the public.

So I do the only thing
I can think of.

I become a tourist.

Why submit to such a
strict religious practice?

Because you can become
a better person.

Someone who is free
from greed and desire.

And can live a life of peace.

I'm not sure what I was
hoping to find by coming here.

Before leaving, I stopped by the gift shop

to get Dawn a postcard.

And I'm glad I did
because that's how I met Ryushin.

I'm in charge of calligraphy writing.

Personally, I like
to move around and be outside.

But I have to stay here for work.

Sometimes, I don't have time
to use the restroom or eat my meals.

At first, I'm very focused.

But after making over 100 copies

I start to zone out.
I start to become dizzy.

I'm trying to feel this is fun.

I don't want to say I like this work.

But this is given by,
you know...

the main temple.
It's my job, so...

I'm trying to think
this is my job.

So, I don't want to say
I don't like this, but...

actually I don't like this.
It is boring.

Is there something else
you want to do?

Yeah, many things.

I wanna go out,
I wanna see many people.

But I feel
like I'm living in a cage.

Ryushin tells me there's
about 100 monks on the mountain.

And that he's the lowest ranked.

He doesn't seem like
the kind of monk

who can offer spiritual guidance

or help solve my problems.

But right now,

he's my only chance
to get to the monastery.

So, I ask him
if I can follow him

for the next few days.

Ryushin explains to me
that he has no influence

and can't get me back
into the monastery.

Even though his father
and grandfather

are also monks,

he says he feels
like an outsider.

He is the only monk
who will talk to me, and I sense that

I'm the only person
who will listen to him.

If the monastery finds out
that we're together,

Ryushin could be in trouble.

But he's eager
to tell me his story, so...

we continue to meet in secret.

I became a monk 10 years ago.

Before I became a monk
I worked at a security company.

I built up stress from work

and had a breakup with my girlfriend.

I was lost.

I was suffering so much mentally.

I thought about killing myself.

I tried to commit suicide
but couldn't do it.

I tried listening to piano
and relaxation music to cope.

Things like the sound of a river
and birds chirping.

It didn't work for me at all.

Heavy metal
represents my crying heart.

I had never listened
to anything like it.

I don't know how to explain it.

Depression makes you feel down.

But you're accumulating
so much energy.

The explosion of that energy
is metal music.

My favorites are Slipknot.

Slayer.

Megadeth.

I'm home.

- They want to film us talking.
- You and me? - Yes.

- Where is he from?
- From the US.

Ryushin lives with his
grandparents by the mountain.

His grandfather has Alzheimer's now,
but was one of the most powerful monks

at the monastery.

Now that he's retired,

Ryushin is the last
remaining monk in the family.

And he's expected to take over
the family temple.

Do you want to chant with me?

Why don't you pray with me?

Let's do it together.

- Can you move forward?
- Sit in the front?

Excuse me.

Thank you.

Before I became a monk
asked my grandfather,

"What should I do with my life?"

He said,
"You understand pain and suffering."

"So, go be a monk."

Every Friday in Saudi Arabia,
my dad and I would pray together.

Prayer time was announced
by the local mosques,

and the sound could be heard
all over the city.

But in Ireland,
there were no mosques at all.

So, my mom
bought her own mosque.

Well...

it was a clock designed to go off
at each prayer time.

But the clock was broken

and started going off
all the time.

Sometimes
in the middle of the night.

When my sisters and I protested,

mom explained that God
broke the clock.

That it was all part
of his divine plan

for us to pray at these
random hours.

Once I left home,
I stopped praying.

I would lie and say
that I pray all the time.

Every day I call
the monastery to ask

if I can return.

And each time they tell me,
they're still discussing it.

To pass time,

Ryushin gives me
a tour of Kyoto.

He shows me some of his
favorite spots.

And I learn that we have
a shared religion.

If you could be a desert,
what desert would you be?

Maybe...

I can't remember...
but I like it.

I love it.

- It's creme something...
- Crème brulée.

Yeah! Crème brulée.

- You'd be a crème brulée?
- I want to be like that.

- Why?
- Because I love it.

Don't you think?
It's really good.

And with vanilla ice cream on it
it's beautiful.

Crème buhlay...

We say crème buhlay
Crème brulée.

Buhlay.

A few days later,
the monastery calls.

The monks have made
their decision

and they're inviting me back.

No one mentions
the phone debacle.

But this time,
things feel different.

I'm assigned a minder

who gives me a detailed list

of what I'm allowed to film.

The biggest news is that
Kamahori

is now able to speak to me.

But first, I have to attend a class

on Buddhist manners.

It feels like I'm being tested.

We'll teach you
the Buddhist way of eating.

We'd like to break your bad habits.

Please hold a bowl when you eat.

You don't drink soup like a dog.

Every meal comes with two pickles.

After eating your meal,
you can eat one pickle.

You leave one pickle in the smallest bowl.

You'll be strictly following the rules.

I'd probably eat both pickles

because I have no self control.

The question I keep
thinking about is

do I have to make
all the sacrifices

to be a good Muslim.

The next ritual I'm told to film
shows how far

some of the monks
are willing to go for their faith.

Once the door is shut,

they'll be in complete
darkness for 3 months.

I want to know
what they do all day.

So I asked their master
to demonstrate.

As a kid, I was forced
to memorize the Quran.

I'd have to chant
for hours on end.

Nobody told me
what the words meant

or why we repeated them.

And I was never allowed
to question it.

We chant like this endlessly.

- So it's only "Namu Amida Butsu"?
- Yes.

I thought the chant was

followed by some other words.

I just keep chanting the same phrase.

Endlessly.

That's how it goes.

My next meeting
is with a high-ranking monk.

But instead of talking
about enlightenment, I ask him

if anyone here
ever questions their faith?

I came to Mount Hiei
and became my master's disciple

47 or 48 years ago.

I will never forget
what my master told me.

He said, "Crows are white."

It was shocking.

Even when our master
made a false statement

we weren't allowed
to tell him that he was wrong.

We were only allowed
to respond "yes."

During the training, do people really
not sleep for 90 days?

They can sleep
because no one is watching them.

We officially say
we don't sleep for 90 days.

But everybody knows
that as a human being...

- Of course.
- You would die.

- Did you do that practice?
- Yeah, I did it.

I slept eight hours a day.

I was so sleepy.

For several weeks,
I've been asking to rejoin Kamahori.

But the monks say,
I'm not ready.

They take me
from temple to temple.

And I film whatever I'm told to.

Some days, it's a monk
in front of a tree.

Other days, it's a lecture
into 3,000 realities

in a single moment
of consciousness.

And sometimes,

It's just a monk
making some toast.

- We can try and go meet him.
- That's amazing.

I've done everything the monks
have asked me to do.

And I'm finally given the green light
to follow Kamahori again.

A Muslim follows a Buddhist
monk up a mountain.

It may sound like
the start of a bad joke.

But this is my life now.

I've never really felt comfortable
talking to an Imam.

My own religion just brings up
too much fear

of judgment and guilt.

I thought by coming here
it would be easier

to talk to someone
outside my faith.

But I'm beginning to realize

I might have made things
even harder on myself.

Kamahori makes it seem
so effortless.

But trying to keep up
with him is embarrassing.

My crew has been
dragging heavy equipment

up and down this mountain
for weeks.

Everyone's exhausted and
getting on each other's nerves.

The monks tell me that I'll be able
to speak to Kamahori soon.

So I show up every night

I hope they're starting
to see how committed I am.

Hey! Stop that!

- What's wrong?
- Are you playing around?

With your light from behind
he can't see his steps.

Try it.

Do it yourself and turn around.

Can you see your feet?

- Can you?
- I don't know how else to film.

It's dangerous
not to be able to see your feet.

We were told that
we can light it from behind.

Who said that?

I understand,
but please don't get mad.

I will get mad.
The practitioner is risking his life.

Nothing feels worse
than being yelled at by a monk.

We're kicked out again,
and told to never return.

I spend the night
walking around in circles

replaying the argument in my head.

The monks are really
confusing to me.

Nobody told us we
couldn't use a light.

When I get back to the hotel,
it hits me.

I failed our test.

The next day Ryushin
sneaks me into the monastery.

I tell him what happened,
and I ask him

If I'm a fool,
or if all monks are this strict.

In here?

Not all of the people...

Not all of the monks in Japan.

It's just the monks in here.

Because I feel like... coldness.

You know, I feel coldness
when speaking to monks in here.

Or...

I don't feel mercy,
I don't feel...

compassion.

Welcome to Depression Room.

Okay, you can come inside.
Please.

I tell Ryushin

that I didn't come here
just to talk about monks.

I needed advice on some
more personal issues

on my mind recently.

So, my parents don't know

that I'm marrying someone
outside my faith.

I think it would
completely crush them.

Do you have any advice for me?

I don't think so.

I don't know.
I don't have any clue.

I just stay here
and pick up the phone

when someone calls this temple.

Sometimes they ask
at what time the temple opens,

at what time the temple closes,
or sometimes...

"Please say hello to Buddha."

So I just say, "Okay",

your wish has come true."
Or something like that.

I have to pick up the phone.
But I don't want to.

Because if I take it
they always, like, cry...

They ask me questions like,
"What is life?"

Or, "What is the meaning
of the planet?"

I just listen to them.
Then I say, "Okay, yes."

"Okay, okay, bye."

Why did you even become a monk?

I just wanted to do the same things
that the ancient people did.

I think the main reason
why I chose to be a monk

is that I wanted to help someone.

Will you be able
to help me some day?

I think so, yeah.
In the future, I think.

I should do because I'm a monk.

I told Ahsen
a million times that

filming my life is not funny.

I don't think
my life is interesting.

Because I'm not funny.
I'm not enjoying my life.

I want to change something
but I don't think I can do it soon.

Why would you be staying
any longer?

Because I have no movie without it.

I have to do something.

Okay, well...

Are you...

Are you still planning
to talk to your parents?

Invite them to the wedding?

I... Yes, of course.

Okay, are you sure?

Yeah, look, I promise you.

I'm going to call my mom tomorrow.

Telling my parents
I'm getting married

isn't as simple as it sounds.

They're from another world.

My parents got married
40 years ago

in a tiny village in Pakistan.

My mom was 18 years old,

and she'd never been alone
with a man in her life.

In their village, men and women

weren't even allowed
to be in the same room.

And people caught having sex
outside of marriage

could be stoned to death.

For them, relationships
with the opposite sex

only happened in marriage.

And marriage only happens
with other Muslims.

And Dawn is not a Muslim.

So, I lie.

Can you see my picture?

No, I can't see you.

Mon, if I...

What would you do...

if I met a woman
who wasn't Muslim?

What would you think?

The Prophet said
people marry for three reasons.

A woman's health,

her beauty

or her religion.

So you should marry
a religious woman.

But I don't want to marry
just for religion.

I want to meet

someone I love.

And her religion
makes no difference to you?

I feel regret and sadness.

But you will only understand this
when you read the Quran.

This is our manual.

Given to us by God.

God willing.

There's a sutra
that monks shouldn't listen to music.

They will ban me.
Kick me out of the temple.

But I don't want to deny myself.

I just want to be happy.

I want to have a happy life,
that's all.

It's about loving someone
so much you love them to death.

This is where
my microphone breaks.

But I don't care
because for the first time on this trip,

I'd forget about my problems.

And I realize that
I've made a friend.

What are you doing there Ryushin?

I'm searching Amazon.

For the iPad?

The accessories.

- Why do you want an iPad?
- Sorry?

Why do you want an iPad?

No reason, I just want it.

Play a video game?

No. Just an iPad, I want it.

You desire it.

I'm desire monk.

What are you looking at?

I'm looking up New Zealand pictures.

Because I want to be a farmer.

In the future, in New Zealand.
Like a sheep farmer.

Sheep.

Why a sheep farmer?

Well, it looks peaceful...

and silent.

You don't have to think about
so many things, that's all.

And I love New Zealand.

I love the life in New Zealand.

So I want to go back.

That's the reason.

Ryushin tells me that he spent a
year studying abroad in New Zealand.

It's where he learned English,
discovered heavy metal,

and fell in love with sheep.

And for the first time
in his life, he felt free.

He planned on living there,
but his father demanded

that he return home to take care
of the family temple.

He doesn't know it yet,
but I have a surprise for him.

Sit.

Sit.

Sit.

Oh, my God!

- This sheep likes to jump.
- This sheep?

- The sheep are not gonna hurt you at all.
- I know.

You are the master of the sheep,
remember.

I told you
I don't have anything.

It turns out that until today,

Ryushin had never seen sheep
in real life.

It was all just a fantasy.

- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm okay.

Like Ryushin's dream
of living among sheep,

I'm starting to think
that finding answers at a monastery

is also a fantasy.

I need to get back
to my life in Los Angeles.

I'm getting married soon,

and I can't wait around hoping
the monks will forgive me.

Before leaving,
Ryushin throws me a farewell party.

I bought this table and the grill

one week ago for tonight.

And I'm so excited to use a new one.

Delicious sake.

I bought it in Yamagata.

Sake.

Do monks usually drink?

I think we are not supposed
to drink alcohol.

It's kind of against the law,
the Buddhist way.

I know I shouldn't drink.

As a monk.

What would monks say
if they found out you are drinking?

"Abandoned."

They'll punish me, I don't know.
But they can't punish me

because I know they drink.

Watching a vegetarian monk

devour 5 pounds of steak
and get drunk

makes me a little envious.

Unlike me, Ryushin's comfortable
living with his contradictions.

You want some?

- Do you drink often?
- I don't drink anymore.

Why not?

Partly because of Islam.

I had a health scare, like,
two years ago.

And then I started...

I was afraid of dying.

Everyone dies.

Are you afraid of death?

Well, I want to die.

I'm in so much pain.

I know that many people
are in more pain than me.

But I think
I enjoyed my life already.

So, it's okay, you know,
if someone shoots me.

If a stone comes out of the air...

that's okay, I have no regrets.

- I think about death every morning I wake.
- Do you?

It's the first thing I...

He thinks about death every morning

when he wakes up.

Really?

He's afraid of dying.

He was raised a Muslim.

I see.

- Is he Muslim?
- Yes, he is.

But he doesn't pray five times a day.
He feels guilty.

You know, I still haven't
told my parents about Dawn.

No?

Oh yeah, I knew that.

Who cares? It's okay.

If you go to hell,
I will go to hell to help you.

Don't worry.

I'll ask my Buddha.

"There's Ahsen Nadeem,
he's going to hell."

"Would you mind helping him?"

He will help you

because you've got a kind...

Let's hope we both don't go to hell.

Hello, and welcome to the
wedding of Dawn and Ahsen.

You are the most important
people to them.

And so, to have you here
witness their marriage

is a great gift.

As soon as
the Imam started singing,

I recognized the prayer.

My mom used to recite it
when I was a kid.

And it's the first time
I've heard it since leaving home.

Oh god, bless Dawn and Ahsen

with faith, love and happiness
in this world and the next.

Bless this couple with the strength
to forgive each other's shortcomings.

Amen.

Now I pronounce you
husband and wife.

3 years went by.

And I never told my parents
that I got married.

Dawn pretended
it wasn't an issue.

And I was happy
not to bring it up.

But it was getting harder and harder
to keep up the facade.

I had to maintain elaborate systems
to keep my wife a secret.

I blocked my relatives
from social media.

I created
separate email accounts.

And I even kept two phones.

One for my life,
and the other for my parents.

The shame of doing all this
in front of Dawn grew.

And it started to take a toll
on our relationship.

I'd given up on trying
to tell my parents.

I'd given up on the movie.

And I'd given up on myself.

I was lost.

There was only one person I
thought might understand.

My only connection
to the monastery was Ryushin.

We hadn't talked in years.

But his tweets brought news
of all the important spiritual issues

on the mountain.

Hello.

Moshi moshi.

What happened to you?

After so many years,

it feels great to catch up
with Ryushin.

Dawn and I are now married for
3 years now.

And...

I still haven't...

told my parents.

You haven't yet?

No.

Oh. I see.

It's an earthquake
happening here.

Oh!

It's okay. It's okay.

I didn't want you to die.

You know, life is not long.
Life is really short.

If you don't deal with a problem
in this life

that problem will be delayed
into the next life.

How can I say?
I haven't spoken English in years.

So I can't speak well.

You speak great English.

I've never seen
Ryushin so monk-like.

He tells me that his life
is transformed

after witnessing Kamahori complete

one of the final stages
of the Kaihogyo.

A 9-day fast

without food, water, or sleep.

The monks hosted a funeral
for him in case he died.

And the ceremony was broadcast
live on TV.

After 9 days,

he was carried
out of his temple half dead.

He's now considered
a living Buddha

and a God on earth.

Ryushin thinks that if I had been there,
it would've changed my life too.

He tells me about
an upcoming public festival

where Kamahori will be making
a rare appearance.

If you come back to Japan,
you might be able to speak to him.

If you give up this time,
you won't see him.

You won't get an interview
in the future.

The choice is yours.

How do you feel about me
going back to Japan?

It's funny how asking
so many questions about

these monks, and their practice and
why they're doing what they're doing...

has strangely been...

a compass back to yourself.

I didn't even know

until we had been dating for...

probably 3 years or something...

that you even cared
about being Muslim.

I think the only time
I even started to understand

was when we were
talking about getting married.

I didn't get it, you know?

Like, why not tell your parents?
Stand up for who you are.

What do you have to lose?

And then I started to understand.

You really believe that
you will go to hell.

You really believe all the stories
that your mom

and dad used to tell you.
That you're...

that you're bad.

It was really ingrained in you
since you were a very small kid.

That you're bad,
you're not worthy.

And that God will punish you.

You're not allowed
to have a happy life.

And I was like,

if he doesn't know who he is,
how can I fully invest

in a future with this person?

Because maybe he'll pull a rug out
from under my feet one day

and be like, you know,
I was wrong.

I have to break off this marriage
because...

my parents are right.
I should get married to a Muslim.

Look, I'm never gonna do
anything like that.

I think we can't continue
in the way that we've been.

The festival is tomorrow,

and I'm anxious because
I never got permission to come.

But I'm not the only one
who is worried.

Ryushin is even more nervous
than I am.

Tomorrow's festival includes
an important test for him.

If he passes,
he'll get a promotion

And finally end the terrible jobs
he's been stuck in for years.

I want to be a real monk.

I want to do the same things
that the ancient people did.

Most of the people,

I can feel what they feel,
what they think about me.

What do you think
the other monks think of you?

That I'm just weak,
depressed, dumb.

Someone told me,
"You are a 70 % person."

"You are just half a person."

People just don't understand
what I feel.

The monks are making a pilgrimage
to a holy site 20 miles away.

It takes 12 hours
in sweltering heat.

Only one man doesn't seem tired.

That is Kamahori.

Kamahori's strength has had
a major influence on Ryushin's life.

But when I look over at my friend,
I see he's really struggling.

As I'm setting up
for my next shot,

my old minder
shows up out of nowhere.

He tells me, it's not a good idea
for me to be here.

And I figure now is not the time
to ask for a meeting with Kamahori.

Even though
we're on public streets,

he relegates us
to a street corner.

And we're told
to keep our distance.

We're not allowed
to go beyond this point.

About halfway through the festival,

Ryushin's injured
and forced to drop out.

He doesn't get his promotion.

Why don't you quit?

It's really hard.

I have to look after my grandfather.

And grandmother, too.

And also my parents.

So I cannot leave the monastery
until my parents have died.

No matter where he is
or what he's doing,

Ryushin comes home every evening
to bathe his grandfather.

He never misses a day.

I haven't been home in 10 years.

But I still talk to my mom
every week.

She always asks
the same question.

When are you coming home?

I was supposed to be
back home in LA a week ago.

But I don't want to leave
before I can talk to Kamahori.

Now I'm stranded
because of a storm.

And it's the worst typhoon
to hit Japan in 20 years.

I've given you

years of no pressure.

You, by not telling your parents...
I've had to go along with your...

your duplicity.

I've been patient for you

to have your
process of coming out to your parents.

To me your actions show me that

you're not being honest
about what you want in your life.

Also in terms of having a family.

It shows me that you don't actually want a
family, and never did.

I just nee to have from you
a clear message

about what it is you want.

I've never seen her
so disappointed.

I can't stick around any longer.

I need to get back home.

So, when the storm passes,
I get in my car.

It's time to do
what I came here for.

Today, I'm gonna show up
to Kamahori's temple unannounced.

It's the last time I'm gonna climb
this fucking mountain.

Are we supposed to follow him?

After a couple of questions,
the monk in charge lets us through.

It's surprisingly easy.

Thank you.

- Thank you for our meal.
- Thank you for our meal. - Yes.

- Excuse us.
- Excuse us. - Yes.

I'm told Kamahori can only
speak with me for 15 minutes.

But first, I have to wait
in silence.

Because it's lunchtime.

Thanks for giving me this opportunity.

To be honest,
I didn't think you would see me today.

Sorry, for showing up at your temple
unannounced.

I've just been waiting for this moment
for five years and it's...

It's a great honor to be in your presence.

I became interested in you because

your discipline and devotion

is similar to what's asked of me
from my religion, Islam.

Not so much walking, I mean...

Nobody walks like guys,
so that's obvious.

Anyway, the first thing
I want to know is,

now that you've reached enlightenment,

what wisdom
can you share with me?

I've completed all
the important stages of my practice,

but it's hard for me to tell

if I've reached enlightenment.

To attain spiritual enlightenment

is the ultimate goal as a monk.

During the 1000 day Kaihogyo ritual

we don't actually walk
the entire 1000 days.

We save 25 days

because we haven't attained
spiritual enlightenment yet.

25 days are left to remind you that

you have to work
for your entire life to get there.

I should be thinking
about my next question.

But instead, I'm thinking about
my conversation with Dawn.

So, I just start talking.

I tell him that I was raised
in a strict Muslim household,

but I ran off
to the United States

and got married,
and my parents had no idea.

And if I tell them they'll be crushed
and never speak to me again.

But if I don't tell them,
my wife will never speak to me again.

And there's no solution,

and really more than anything,
I'm just terrified.

I think we should move on.
You had another question?

- We have ten more minutes.
- Okay. Sorry...

I guess, what I want to know is

if you've ever had to fix
a situation like mine in your life.

Have you ever had to choose
between love and tradition?

Well, you know

Someone is calling.

As Kamahori is on the phone,
we're told that our time is up.

And just like that,
the interview is over.

After spilling my guts
on the top of the mountain,

I was devastated that I had spent
five years chasing Kamahori.

It was embarrassing
that after so much time,

I hadn't really learned anything.

On my drive back,

I think about all the lies
I've told my parents,

and the strain that it's
put on my marriage.

The truth is

the biggest lie I have been telling
is to myself.

That I could solve
my problems by running away.

When I started this film,
I had no idea

how much my own story
would be part of it.

But now my life
and the film are intertwined.

And the only way to finish the story
is to tell the truth.

Watching how close you are
to your family,

and how honest you are
about your life, made me...

made me want to make
some big changes in my own life.

So...

I'm going to tell my parents...

about Dawn.

Really?

I didn't mean to... I didn't...

I didn't want to change your life
by myself.

But it's nice to hear that.

I'm very scared to tell them.

Yeah. Yeah.

I can imagine.

I cried more in the last 2 months

than I've done in my entire life.

Because?

Because I've been
hiding this thing for so long.

Yeah.

I didn't realize...

I didn't realize how much pain
I was carrying inside of me.

So you have trained,
you have done the practice so much.

So you graduated the practice
like a monk.

So you can have the praise.
You should be praised.

And you should praise yourself.

And, yeah...

your practice just ended.

Congratulations.

How are you feeling?

It's been good
to get all my outfits in line.

I still don't know
what I'm gonna wear.

There's still time to get a burka.

I feel a little crazy today.

It's a long time coming.

I think the interesting part of this
conversation with them is that

you're allowing them
to have their reaction.

But the hardest thing is just that
I don't know if you should film them.

Like, you are showing up
after all these years,

putting a camera in their face
and telling them...

Hey, I haven't been
honest with you

and now I want to take
your reaction,

- and, you know, use it for my film.
- Yeah.

It seems really kind of cruel
and unusual to do that.

At the same time,

I don't know how else
you would tell the story

without doing that.

Maybe they'll appreciate
having the camera there

to vindicate themselves
and be like,

you are a terrible son,
and this is gonna be on record.

Sounds like
it won't work in my favor.

Well, I know, but

How are you?
How was your journey?

- It was good.
- You took a bit longer.

- Yes.
- We were expecting you a bit earlier.

- I got lost.
- You got lost?

- Yes.
- I hope you are not lost

for some other things as well.

Mom?

Do you miss us sometimes
in America, Ahsen?

As we miss you?

Sometimes I worry because you don't have
a proper general Islamic education.

Heaven is only for those
who die a Muslim.

You should marry a good Muslim girl,
have children and...

you should have a family life

and not be alone.
That's why I'm worried about you.

About these things.

Marriage to... a non-Muslim

is not allowed in Islam.

Sit up straight
so it looks good on camera.

We shouldn't slump.

Ahsen, please start quickly.

Don't pressure him.

Take one.

In the name of God,
the most gracious and merciful.

Mom, I was very close to you
when I was growing up.

I remember,
you were my best friend.

I feel, when I went to college,

that we started drifting apart.

Yes, yes. This is true, Ahsen.

Yes, this is how it turned out.

Sometimes, when I'd tell your dad,
he'd say,

"Ahsen will change, don't worry."

Dad didn't have the same worry,
but I was in a lot of pain.

How did you feel when I decided
to move to America?

It was very disturbing to me.
Yes.

That's right.

People would say
they've heard rumors

that you have a son as well.

People still ask me,
"Why does he never visit home?"

Um...

The reason I'm here in Ireland
is because I wanted to...

not have any more secrets
anymore.

I've been hiding from you.

Since I was a kid.

Why is that?

Um, I think I was really just

scared of your disapproval
and losing...

losing your love.

I want to share something with you

that's been on my heart
and consciousness.

It's the reason why I'm in Ireland,
why I want to start telling the truth.

Living with the truth,
God willing.

And living with
the consequences of that.

And being close to you guys.

You're always close to us,
Ahsen.

You're always in our heart.

In our prayer, and we love you

as you're part of our
flesh and blood.

Blood that runs in your veins
is our blood.

Please sit.

You are with us.

I... I found...

I found someone I love.

And...

I've been married...

But I was scared to tell you.

Marriage!

Since when? For how long?

I've married for 3 years.

Is she Muslim?

She's not a Muslim.

She came to Ireland as well
and she wants to...

she wants to meet you.

That is what I was not expecting.

I want to have you in my life.

I don't want you...

to live separately anymore.

You took a decision in your life
and made the wrong choice.

You couldn't find a girl
of your own faith?

Just leave.
Your film is complete.

You can link it with the monks.

I don't have much time now
to go into this.

Now just pack this up.
The film is done.

The end has happened.

There is no alternative ending.

God gave you a good mind.

We raised you well.

You chose the wrong way.

Kamahori's taking his final steps
up the Kaihogyo.

His 7-year journey
has come to an end.

All the monks are here
to celebrate him.

It took me long to understand

what Kamahori told me
during our interview.

They don't walk
the entire Kaihogyo.

They leave 25 days incomplete.

As a reminder that our journey
never really ends

and there's always
more work to do.

I didn't really appreciate his words then.
But I'm starting to now.

He helped me figure out
that'll I'll probably never untangle

all the contradictions
of my life and faith.

Ryushin isn't answering
phones anymore.

He finally got his promotion.

And he's where he always wanted to be:
out in the world helping people.

- It's specified as an incurable disease.
- Really?

You should have gone
to the hospital sooner.

Everyone says
he's a great teacher.

And even though I was
a pretty lousy student,

I like to think that
I was his first.

Everyone has a different way
of living their lives.

Buddha said
the most important thing

is to respect each other.

Don't judge others.

We don't get to decide
who is good or bad.

It's hard to do.

Our everyday life is a practice.

THERE IS NO GOD BUT ALLAH
AND MUHAMMAD IS THE MESSENGER OF GOD.