Original subtitles

[Instrumental music]

[Music continues]

[Instrumental music]

Thank you.

[Door opens]

I appreciate it very much, Mrs. Gordon.

Most helpful.

- We thought you ought to know. - Absolutely.

You know, we bankers can't be too careful.

Give my best to that nice husband of yours.

Thank you.

[Indistinct chatter]

[Phone rings]

Yeah?

Yes, sir.

Hey, stirling, Mr. Munroe wants to see you.

[Stuttering] Y... you sent for me, sir?

That's all, Ms. King.

Sit down, young man.

Stirling, how long have you been with this bank?

[Stuttering] A... about, uh... uh,

uh, four... four years, sir.

Uh, counting the time before the war.

[Clears throat] Four years.

My boy, I must speak frankly.

There's a great deal of talk going around town.

Talk that isn't good for you or the bank.

- Yes, sir. - Oh. So you know about it?

Oh, y... yes, sir.

Well, young man, then you can understand.

In the banking business

we can't be too careful.

[Chuckles] The talk's all nonsense, of course.

Oh, but, sir, I... it's not nonsense.

Utter non... what?

I... I... I mean, I... it's true, sir.

But how can such an absurd, ridiculous...

Stirling, what's the matter with you?

W... well, could I...

[Stammering] C... could I tell you about it?

- Tell me? - Y... yes.

I... if you, if you just let me explain.

See here, I'm an extremely busy man.

B... but, sir, it...

It means my job.

Well, then...

Make it brief.

Yes, sir.

You see, sir, it... It all began a few years

ago over in Burma.

Munroe: Burma?

Stirling: Uh, y... yes, sir.

Uh, the jungle was the hottest

I'd ever known it that day.

Still, there was no excuse for me,

a second lieutenant, getting separated

from my platoon.

No excuse at all.

When I realized I was alone,

lost behind the jap lines, I was scared.

Then I thought what my company commander

would say when I told him I'd lost my platoon.

And I was really scared.

[Monkey screeching]

[Birds chirping]

Well, at last, I took refuge under a tree.

I must've been exhausted because / fell asleep.

[Explosions]

Our barrage woke me.

My mouth felt dry.

It's funny how wet you can be outside

and so dry inside.

[Explosions]

[Explosions]

[Snorts]

Francis: Hey, watch it!

If you don't want to live, I do.

Keep your head down.

[Explosion continues]

Who said that?

Who said that?

Francis: I did.

Where are you?

Come on out or I'll shoot.

Francis: Lieutenant...

You better put that gun up

before you hurt somebody.

Who's speaking?

Francis: Me!

- Who's me? - Me. The mule.

Oh, don't...

Don't be ridiculous.

Coming from a second lieutenant,

that's almost ironic.

Must be a booby trap of some kind.

Oh, you oughta know.

But it's fantastic, I...

I don't believe it.

Hey.

What are you?

I'm just an army mule,

and my name happens to be Francis.

Francis?

[Scoffs] That's a girl's name.

Unh-unh-unh. Let's keep sex out of this.

The name is still Francis,

with an I.

- Uh-huh. - Must be wired for sound.

Why?

Well... it's some kind of a trick.

It's a cinch, mules don't talk.

[Explosion]

We are facing an extremely

serious situation, I...

Stirling: I must decide upon a course of action.

Brilliant, lieutenant.

Smack-dab on the button.

Brilliant.

[Explosions]

I must be crazy to even think it can talk.

That bang on the head must've been worse

than I thought.

I gotta get outta here!

[Explosions]

Say...

Huh?

Could... could you carry me outta here?

Carry you?

And slow myself up?

[Laughs]

But I am an officer.

A second lieutenant.

Why, it wouldn't even be patriotic.

You mean, my life isn't worth saving?

Well, the question is,

would it be worth risking mine to do it?

What do you mean?

Is there a shortage of second lieutenants?

Certainly not.

The war department has announced

they got a large surplus.

But mules, hey,

that's a different story.

No-o-o, I just couldn't do it.

Not with my interest

in furthering the war effort.

[Explosions continue]

[Explosion]

Pull your ears in!

[Explosion]

[Grunts]

M... my leg.

- I've been hit. - This would have to happen.

By the tail of my great aunt, regret,

who won the derby,

I oughta leave you here for jap bait.

Go ahead.

Go ahead, save yourself.

You know perfectly well

I can't leave you now.

Well, I thought you said

a second lieutenant wasn't worth saving.

Francis: A whole one ain't.

Wounded, you've become a matter of principle.

Never mind that!

Come on, get on my back

and I'll take you to an aid station.

[Explosions continue]

Francis...

[Exhales]

I'll have you made a corporal for this.

Francis: What us mules go through

to earn a couple of stripes.

[Indistinct chatter]

Lieutenant stirling?

Uh, yes, sir?

How's the leg?

Oh, I... it's just a flesh wound, captain.

I... I understand I'm getting out of here in a couple of days.

Fine. Uh, cigarette?

Uh, no, thank you.

Uh, stirling...

I'm from g-2.

G-2?

Well, what does intelligence want with me?

You had quite an experience out there, didn't you?

Yes, sir.

Uh, t... the men on my patrol, did they all...

Oh, they're all back safe and sound.

It's okay, lieutenant, those things

can happen on patrol.

Well, we were crawling along on the hillside, sir,

and... and suddenly I was alone.

I was afraid to call out.

Lucky for you, that mule found

its way here to headquarters.

Mule?

Oh, Francis!

Francis?

Uh, t... the mule, sir. Francis.

He spelled it with an I.

You seem to know quite a lot about this mule.

O... only what he told me, sir.

What who told you?

Francis.

Francis?

Yes, sir. The mule.

That's what I thought you said.

But, lieutenant, this doesn't indicate

there's anything the matter with your mind.

Why, why, there isn't, sir.

But...

You just told me

a mule talked to you.

He did, sir.

You're sure of that?

Oh, yes, sir.

I... I didn't believe it at first either,

but he really did.

Now, uh...

Ta... take it easy, lieutenant.

Just... take it easy.

[Instrumental music]

Nadel: Well, young fellow, how are you getting along?

Huh? Uh... uh, fine, sir.

Had a little bump on the head too, didn't you?

Y... yes, sir.

Doesn't seem to amount to a thing.

N... no, sir.

I, uh, hear you told captain Grant

a mule talked to you.

That right?

Y... yes, sir.

Well, my patients like

to have their little jokes.

[Stammering] B... but I wasn'tjoking, sir.

Come, lieutenant, this is no time for leg-pulling.

There's a war going on.

You know mules can't talk.

W... well, that's what I thought, sir.

B... but this one talked to me.

You mean the animal talked to you

the way I'm speaking now?

W... well, m... maybe not so loud, sir.

[Clears throat]

Tell me, stirling,

is it just one particular mule who talks to you,

or do all the mules talk?

Just Francis, sir.

Francis?

That's the mule's name, lieutenant.

He spells it with an I.

Do any other animals talk to you?

Elephants? Rabbits?

Nadel: Chickens? Goldfish?

No, sir.

Of course not.

The very thought of such things

talking is ridiculous, isn't it, young man?

Yes, sir.

Lieutenant, yours is not an unusual case.

Nothing unusual about it at all.

In no time we'll have you fixed up good as new.

[Instrumental music]

Valerie: Good morning, boys.

Samuel. Ben.

How're you, Raymond?

Feeling better?

Come, come, lieutenant.

Upsy-Daisy.

Colonel plepper wants to see you.

Colonel plepper?

Yes, he's our top, top psychiatrist.

Psychiatrist?

But I don't need a psychiatrist.

Now, now, come along.

[Instrumental music]

[Knock on door]

[Knock on door]

Plepper: Yes?

Oh, well?

Colonel plepper, lieutenant stirling is here.

Lieutenant...

This is colonel plepper.

No, no, my boy, none of that.

Just come in and sit down.

Make yourself right at home.

Thank you, sir.

How long have you been visiting us, lieutenant?

Let me see.

Plepper: Ten days.

Hm!

I see you've gained a pound a day.

Y... yes, sir.

I've been on a condensed milk diet.

Mm-hmm.

Remarkable what it can do for a man.

Remarkable.

You feel fatter?

Uh, yes, sir.

Plepper: Perfectly natural.

Wonderful the way the army

is able to put weight on a man.

This is going to look beautiful on our chart.

Mm-hmm.

Now, lieutenant...

Suppose you tell us all about

your friend, the mule who talks, mm?

Well, uh...

Uh, well, colonel, sir,

uh, I must've been wrong about that.

J... just imagined it, uh...

I... it could've been that bang on the head.

O... or perhaps I was just shell-shocked.

Oh, no.

We call it combat fatigue. [Chuckles]

You're thinking of the last war, stirling.

Well, I... well, I must've been fatigued,

but I... I'm perfectly alright now, sir.

Of course you are.

Why don't you report to colonel Saunders

this afternoon for assignment to duty?

See how quickly the army can cure you?

[Chuckles]

Mm-hm.

[Elephant trumpeting]

[Indistinct chatter]

[Engine cranking]

Oh, gosh.

Yes?

Uh-huh.

Fine, then I'll bring

Ms. Gelder over right away.

The quarters are all arranged.

And the ladies of the red cross are waiting to welcome you.

Ah, merci.

They are so kind to let me stay.

You're just still under the wing of the army, you know?

Yes, it may be some little time

before we're sure that it's safe for you

to return to your father's trading post.

Monsieur, vous etes si aimable.

I am so touched

that with a war on, you trouble with me.

Papa would be so grateful.

If only we could find him

to let him know that you're alright.

But who knows where he is?

The Japanese, they came in so fast

we had to take to the hills

with scarcely time to pack our things.

Then poor papa and I got separated.

I was looking for him when your patrol found me.

We'll do everything we can to find your father.

In the meantime, my dear,

we'd better get you settled.

Merci, colonel Saunders.

Merci encore, colonel hooker.

[Clears throat]

[Indistinct chatter]

I hope you'll be comfortable in your quarters.

Gentlemen!

I trust you're not too busy to attend

the staff meeting this afternoon.

[Engine revving]

Now, what has the colonel got I haven't got?

Rank, captain, rank.

[Sighs] And me only a second lieutenant.

Saunders: And that is the reason

for this staff meeting, gentlemen.

Of course, this opening in the intelligence section

offers the usual opportunity for advancement.

Gentlemen...

I like to ask if there is any officer

in this headquarters who feels that he has

special qualifications for g-2 work.

Lieutenant brimm?

Sir, I speak seven languages of the far east.

I was a professor at Duke university.

Fine. Make a note, lieutenant.

Captain Norman?

I've spent nine years

in Burma, prospecting.

I know the country and the people.

- You speak the language? - Yes, sir.

All dialects fluently.

Very good.

Note that, lieutenant.

Oh, uh...

Lieutenant stirling?

Saunders: Second lieutenant stirling!

Oh, y... yes, sir?

Lieutenant, have you any special

qualifications for intelligence work?

Oh, no, sir. U... uh, none at all, sir.

I wouldn't even, uh... uh...

Oh, no, sir. Uh, none.

[Phone rings]

G-2 intelligence.

[Instrumental music]

You know, it's hard to picture a beautiful young girl

like you living in a jungle trading post.

Do you find it pretty dull?

The jungle dull? Mais non.

It is mysterieuse, wonderful, thrilling.

Yes, I'm afraid some of the men around here

don't find it so thrilling.

Ah, that is because they are

so lonely, n'est-ce pas?

It's a sacrilege the way that

luscious armful's being wasted.

Yeah, I can hear

the colonel's last two red corpuscles

yelling for reinforcements.

It's unpatriotic, that's what it is.

It's on all their faces.

A sort of...

Sadness.

Oh, no, no, not sadness, my dear.

Hungen

they're all hoping I'll drop dead.

And they're all so handsome.

So attractive.

Well, it might be good strategy

if I did share you with them.

Come, I'll introduce you.

[Music continues]

Hello.

Hello.

Lieutenant stirling,

I don't believe you've met our charming guest,

Ms. Gelder.

[Stammers] N... no, I haven't, sir.

B... but it's wonderful. [Chuckles]

A pleasure, lieutenant.

Lieutenant stirling has just been assigned to intelligence.

Oh! And so very young, too.

My compliments, lieutenant.

T... thank you.

[Chuckles]

[Francis snorts]

You must be lieutenant stirling's friend.

Fascinating.

Simply fascinating.

A... aren't you going to ask me to dance, lieutenant?

Y... you mean, you would?

I... I mean, would you?

Mais, oui, but of course.

Ah, after lieutenant colonel Saunders

and the two majors and...

Humpert: Lieutenant! Lieutenant stirling!

Surprise, lieutenant.

Someone's looking for you.

[Music continues]

[Snorts]

Lieutenant stirling was my favorite patient.

Such an unusual...

You wanna dance?

[Music continues]

I... lieutenant!

The colonels, the majors, the captains,

what will they think?

Oh... oh, what have I done?

[Stammers] F... forgive me.

I... I'll take you right back.

Mais, non!

I like a masterful man

that sweeps me away from everyone!

[Music continues]

Oh, gee, I...

I did, didn't I?

"Comment...

Allez-vous?"

"Comment allez-vous?"

Ah!

- Vous... - Pardon, monsieur.

Monsieur, please. Please, can you...

Ah, it is the masterful young lieutenant stirling.

Bonjour, mon ami, bonjour.

Oh! Uh, Ms. Gelder.

[Chuckling]

Uh... uh, comment allez-vous?

Uh, tres bien, merci.

I see you study francais.

That is very nice.

Mm-hm, oui, but when I say it,

it doesn't sound like you do.

Oh, it is the same for me withang/ais.

English. You see?

And at the trading post I do not learn.

For there is only papa.

And he is worse even than me.

Tell me, monsieur,

if your army should have a message from papa,

they would tell me, no?

W... well, you see, uh...

But you mustn't worry.

Maybe I can, well,

look into it and let you know.

Oh, it istres gentil.

So very kind of you to trouble.

I would be most grateful.

Until then,

au revoir, monsieur.

[Chuckling]

A... au revoir, mademoiselle.

[Indistinct chatter]

[Typewriter keys clacking]

Ah, bonjour, monsieur le sargente.

Good morning, sir.

Morning.

[Humming]

"Come at once. Francis."

[Phone rings]

Oh, s... sergeant,

do I look alright?

Alright? Yes, sir.

[Laughter]

[Brays]

[Engine rumbling]

[Birds screeching]

Francis?

Francis, I... it's me, the second lieutenant.

Hey! Hey, Francis.

Remember me?

Gee, maybe I am a mental case.

Most second lieutenants are.

Francis!

[Birds squawking]

- Francis. - Alright, alright!

Then... then you can talk.

I... I did hear you the first time.

I... I didn't imagine it at all, I...

I'm not crazy!

That's debatable, lieutenant.

Well, then, then why did you send for me?

Francis: Me? Send for you?

Yes, this, this note you wrote me.

I never put anything in writing.

But it's signed “Francis."

Get smart, lieutenant.

You're being ribbed by your buddies.

Ribbed?

Huh. Then the joke's on them.

You can talk!

I'm gonna bring 'em out here

and prove it.

Lieutenant, meet the sphinx.

You... you mean,

you... you'd let them laugh at me?

Let 'em think I'm a mental case?

Well, next thing you know, they'll be sending me

home as a psycho.

Francis: So?

Well, I know what you think of second lieutenants,

but even we want to help win the war.

Francis: Come back here.

Your morale's draggin'.

Never thought I'd have

to wet-nurse a lieutenant, but...

How'd you like to be a hero?

Me? A hero?

For your information,

there's a jap observation post

spotting your base about 2,000 yards

from headquarters.

Oh... don't be an ass.

Be that as it may,

that jap observation post is there.

Well, then why aren't you doing something about it?

Francis: I am. I'm tellin' you.

Me? Wh y?

You know what section you're in?

Well, certainly.

I'm in g-2. Intelligence.

Francis: Then don't sound so all-fired surprised

when I give you some.

This must be reported immediately.

Now, look, haven't you been in the army long enough

to know that you don't get

medals for just reportin' it?

So, what else can I do?

Francis: What else can you do?

You can go out and capture that post.

Who? Me?

Either you're a soldier

or an optical illusion.

And tonight, I intend to find out which.

[Engine rumbling]

Oh, this must be an illusion.

Francis: What are you made up for, lieutenant?

[Monkey hooting]

My aching back.

Stirling: Shh!

Francis: Shush my great aunt regret's tail!

You're making enough noise

to wake up the whole jap army.

Well, well, what are you made up for, lieutenant?

What secret weapon have you

got hidden in that pack, huh?

It's a shelter hat.

In case of rain

or do you expect to shack up with those japs?

Go on. Get rid of it.

Go on.

Why that shovel?

We may have to dig entrenchments.

Oh, look, lieutenant,

if there's any diggin' done,

it'll be to Bury ya.

Get rid of it!

And that gas mask, too.

I have been ordered to wear my gas mask at all times.

Do you really believe

that two japs in the middle of a jungle

are gonna launch the first

gas attack of the war

against you personally?

That goes too.

Now, how many grenades

you got there, huh?

A dozen.

Francis: A dozen?

Look, lieutenant,

we're goin' after two.

Get it?

Two frightened japs.

How do you know they're frightened?

Two japs alone

are always frightened.

Francis: One grenade's plenty.

A whole dozen grenades.

[Snorts]

Now, that revolver.

Well, suppose the Tommy gun doesn't work?

Then you won't need anything

except flowers.

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Francis, you've stripped me.

Huh!

Now, we're all ready to go.

And for the love of Burma mud, quiet!

Come on.

[Birds squawking]

[Monkey hooting]

[Instrumental music]

Hey, don't yank.

I'm sensitive.

Come on!

Stirling: I thought you said it was only 2,000 yards.

Francis: Oh, we haven't even gone 200 yet!

[Twig snapping]

[Twigs snapping]

Shh.

They're right up there.

[Bird squawks]

What do we do now?

I'm gonna get behind 'em.

You stay here.

When I yell,

fire a couple of shots in the air.

In the air?

[Shushing] Quiet!

In the air.

Throw down your guns!

Francis: You're surrounded!

[Gunshots]

[Monkey screeches]

Come down!

On the double!

Francis: Close in with your men, lieutenant.

Com... coming!

For... for...

Forward, men!

I'm lieutenant sakia.

Pleased to make your acquaintance.

Francis: Save your bows.

One false move and we'll drill ya.

Very good.

Very good. We'll surrender.

I hope to kiss a duck you surrender!

Francis: Get those hands higher. Higher!

Oh, ho, come around here, lieutenant

y... yes, sir!

Stirling: Get 'em up.

No need to worry, my good fellow.

We know when the game is up.

Hey, quite a cultivated

accent you got there.

Harvard, I presume.

Harvard? Hmph!

Certainly not.

Yale.

Oh, so solly.

Let's go.

[Monkey chattering]

Wha' happened?

"Wha' happened?"

Well, my boy, you are to be congratulated.

G-2 is proud of you.

No, no, thank you, sir.

Yes, sir! Yup.

Here. How 'bout one of these?

Oh, no. Eh, t... thank you, sir.

I suppose you realize, stirling,

that what you've done, although highly irregular

mind you, is of tremendous value.

And you did it alone!

That's the remarkable part of it.

Uh, oh, no, sir.

Th... that's not quite...

- What's that, lieutenant? - I... I mean, y... yes, sir.

The general is delighted!

And now, lieutenant, just, um, few questions.

Yes, sir.

Hooker: The, uh, Japanese observation post,

just, uh, how did you find out about it?

What's the matter? That's a simple question.

Ah, yes, sir.

Hooker: Well?

Well, uh...

I don't know, sir.

What kind of an answer is that?

I mean, I'd rather not say, sir.

You'd rather not say?

You capture a jap observation post

within 2,000 yards of headquarters,

you tell me you'd rather not say!

Why?

Well, even if I told you, sir,

y... you wouldn't believe me.

Well, I'll be the judge of that!

Well?

Y... you really wanna know?

I demand to know.

Uh, well, sir,

it all happened like this.

The mule...

[Instrumental music]

Well, lieutenant,

welcome home.

Is... is it that mule again?

Such a fascinating friend to have.

Simply fascinating!

It's colonel plepper.

{gasps}

good morning, colonel plepper.

Morning.

No, no, my boy.

Well, well...

And how are we today?

- Fine, sir. - Of course, we are.

Nothing serious the matter with us.

Nothing at all.

But you do have a cold feeling

at the tips of your fingers?

No, sir.

Then you suffer from a little dizziness.

Everything seems to be revolving?

No, sir.

I mean, there are times when you feel faint, out of breath?

No, sir. I don't think so, sir.

No.

Oh, I understand, stirling.

The thing that's bothering you is here. Mm-hmm.

You're feeling perfectly alright,

then suddenly there's a sharp, violent pain, hmm?

No.

Lieutenant, did they take x-rays of your head?

- Yes, sir. - And what did they show?

Uh, nothing, sir.

[Instrumental music]

Lieutenant, what the devil's the matter with you?

There's nothing to matter with me, sir.

Nothing? Huh!

Fine attitude for a military man.

Drives my doctors crazy, drives my psychiatrists crazy,

drives my entire staff crazy!

- I'm sorry, sir. - Sorry?

Huh, half of 'em say you're loco.

The other half say you aren't.

Me, I'm the head doctor, I think they're all loco.

Give a man a good dose of castor oil and a hot bath

either he's crazy or he isn't.

Doesn't make much difference anyway.

Yes, sir.

How did you ever get your commission, lieutenant?

Officers candidate school, sir.

- Passed all your examinations? - Yes, sir.

Doesn't prove a thing.

- Father and mother living? - Yes, sir.

- Sane? - Yes, sir.

Doesn't prove a thing!

Well, that's it, gentlemen. What do you think?

A clear-cut case of hyper-imaginative reaction

induced by emotional starvation.

Acute symptoms impelled by battle fatigue.

And what treatment would you suggest, colonel?

Activity. Violent activity.

Give him four aspirins and send him back to duty.

Stirling, the medics have recommended activity for you,

and fortunately I've got just the thing.

- Really, sir? - Yes.

- You see this area, lieutenant? - Yes, sir.

Well, we have reason to believe there's a jap patrol in there.

- That close? - That's right.

Now, we don't know the number of men or just where they are,

so we've decided to send out a patrol tomorrow.

Of course, sir.

And I've chosen you to lead it.

Yes, sir. Who me? Eh, bu... bu... but... but...

- But what? - But, uh... yes, sir.

[Phone ringing]

Yes.

- Who is this? - Francis: Francis.

- Francis? Francis who? - Francis: Lieutenant, please.

Francis! But, you... you can't talk on the telephone.

Francis: I hear you're leading an expedition.

You what? But t... t... that's impossible.

Francis: For you to lead an expedition

or for me to hear about it?

You're just guessing.

Francis: Ls hill x-246 guessing?

For heaven sakes, that's... that's top secret!

Francis: Now you're showing signs of basic intelligence.

Better show a little more and get over here.

Eh, yes, sir. I... I... I mean, I'll be there.

[Engine revving]

[Bird cawing]

How did you know I was leading a patrol?

How did you find out about...

How did you find out about hill x-246?

If I found out, you can be sure the japs know.

But, b... b... but that's terrible!

- Francis: Why? - Well, th... they'll ambush us.

We'll have to call off the patrol.

Oh, nothing of the sort, that's the beauty of it.

Francis: We know they know, now all we gotta do

is to outmaneuver 'em.

Who is "we?"

Well, let's just say that we're gonna work it out together.

Work what out?

Francis: The information that the japs have

gives you a great opportunity.

Fo... fo... for what?

To carry out your mission successfully.

But, what do I do?

Francis: I don't know why I worry about you, lieutenant.

I can't even understand why I like you.

Uh, I suppose in all of us there's a trace

of the mother complex.

[Instrumental music]

Lieutenant, this mule should be in the rear

with the rest of 'em.

I want him up in the front.

I know, but that ain't the way it's done.

Sergeant chillingbacker, I'm in charge of this patrol.

Yeah, so they tell me.

- What's that? - Sorry, sir.

Tell the men to close up.

They're close enough.

- Sergeant chillingbacker! - Yes, sir.

[Music continues]

- Huh. - Attaboy, lieutenant.

What do we do now?

Why, just go ahead with the patrol.

This is it. X-246.

Take the man down and put out security posts

at the edge of the clearing.

And tell 'em to keep alert.

Posts are supposed to be 20 yards out in the jungle.

I want 'em at the edge of the clearing.

And tell 'em to pitch their tents in the center.

You mean, out there in the open?

That's right.

- But, lieutenant... - There.

Okay.

- What's that? - Sir.

[Instrumental music]

What now?

Have 'em get a campfire ready. A big one!

What? I will not!

Are we gonna handle this, lieutenant?

We are.

[Music continues]

What a way to fight a war.

What do we do now, just wait to be wiped out?

- Now... we light the fire. - Light the fire?

[Crackling]

[Gunshots]

[Indistinct shouting]

[Gunfire]

Splendid. A fine job.

And now, lieutenant, just how did you know

the japs were going to ambush you?

[Instrumental music]

[Knock on door]

Yes?

Good morning, lieutenant. We have a visitor.

- Oh, no! Not another doctor. - Not this time.

Colonel plepper says you need stimulation.

Stimulation, flapdoodle.

Ye... yes, b... but who... who is it?

Are we respectable?

- Yeah. - Yes.

[Music continues]

You may come in.

Maureen: Bonjour mon Cher ami,

uh, no, no, no, please don't get up.

And... and how is my lieutenant?

Uh... uh, bon... Uh, b... bon... uh...

- Fine since you came. - Then I am happy to be here.

Will you be all right, lieutenant?

Oh, I will take very good care of him!

I'll be outside.

Just in case.

- Well... - Hah, okay.

- Oh-oh, please, let me. - Thank you, thank you.

I thought this would please you.

Gee, thanks.

And... and thanks for coming.

Oh, thank you!

- Me? Wh... what for? - What for?

Why, everyone, the whole headquarters,

we talk of nothing else.

Killing all those... and not one of your men even wounded.

It was so very wonderful.

Uh, yes, b... but it wasn't I...

Oh, please don't be so modest.

Gee... you're so beautiful, Maureen.

I'm... i'm... I'm sorry. Forgive me.

Forgive you? For what?

Oh, oh, please.

I like to hear you say Maureen.

Gee.

My name's Peter.

Peter.

[Car approaching]

Maureen: What is that?

- I don't know. - Have you ever seen it before?

No, not that I... Say, it looks almost like...

Could it be that someone is trying to send a message to you?

Who'd want to reach me?

Gosh, I can't read signals.

At papa's trading post we had a wireless.

- Can you read that? - I will try.

- Hey, but quick. -Yes?

F-r-a-n

c-i-s.

- What does it mean? - "But quick. Francis."

Th... there must be trouble. I... I gotta get outta here.

- Going somewhere, lieutenant? - Uh, no, no.

There are guards out there, what am I gonna do now?

You wish to get outside?

I must! I've gotta see Francis.

Oh, that is very simple. I will go out.

In two minutes they will not be there.

Francis?

Francis, where are you?

Fran...

Francis!

Francis, you're hurt!

I got here as fast as I could. Tell me what happened.

Uh, nothing. Don't you ever get tired?

I just want to tell you... Uh-oh, you brought company.

- Peter. Oh! - Ms. Gelder, I'm... i'm...

Why didn't you wait for me?

Well, I didn't think there was time.

Now, what were you saying, Francis?

- Who are you talking to, Peter? - Francis.

Stirling: Now, why did you send for me?

Lieutenant.

It... it was you who sent the signals, wasn't it?

Well? Say something!

What's the matter with you?

Don't you realize, I had to escape

from the psycho ward to get here?

I could be court-martialed for this!

Oh, my lieutenant, do not excite yourself like this.

Come, let us go back.

No! He can't do this to me.

Now, why did you send for me? Come on now, start talking.

But, mon ami, come with Maureen.

This is not good for you.

Now, you think I'm crazy too.

But I tell you, Francis can talk!

Oh, yes. Yes, of course.

And a very intelligent mule he is too.

You must do as he says.

But he hasn't said anything.

Oh, [chuckles] Then you are too excited to hear him.

He said it was all one big mistake

and you must go back with Maureen and rest.

But, Maureen...

The nurse, she will be so angry with both of us.

Let us start walking, huh?

Now see what you've done! Why won't you talk?

Please, please, lieutenant. Come, let us go.

Now, you got me into this, you, you, you“.

Oh, Peter, I know. You wait right here.

I will come right back. Wait, like a good boy.

Just one moment. Wait, huh?

Hubba-hubba! Quite a dame.

Oh, now that you've ruined everything

for me, you talk, huh?

But I'll have you know Ms. Gelder is no dame.

Francis: That's a matter of viewpoint.

Well, now maybe we can talk.

Francis, stop treating me like a child.

Remember, I'm an officer.

Francis: Remember? Lieutenant, it haunts me.

Alright now, why did you send for me?

Francis: 'Cause I got some hot information.

Oh, oh, no. Oh, no, not again.

Look, look at... look at me. You see this?

Francis: Mm-hmm, pajamas.

Gi issue, I presume.

Yeah, from the psycho ward where you put me.

Francis: Uh-huh, feel there's some credit to be had

and I thought you might just as well...

Will you please stop trying to build me up?

A few months ago I was a perfectly happy

second lieutenant, minding my own business, bothering nobody.

Then I meet you, and what happens?

I spend half my time in the booby hatch.

Well, thanks for everything, but I've had enough.

Maybe now I can stay out of the hospital.

Francis: Okay, it you don't mind gettin' yourself blown

to kingdom come this afternoon, I don't know why I should worry.

Are you crazy?

Hey, you're the one that's in the psycho ward, remember?

Uh, now... now...

Now... now, wait a minute, Francis.

What do you mean blown to kingdom come?

Francis: Huh, that's better.

I got some hot information that better be passed on fast.

At 4:35 this afternoon, headquarters gets it.

Three waves of enemy bombers.

An air raid? But this is serious.

I hope to kiss my great aunt regret, it's serious!

Remember, 4:35, three waves of enemy bombers.

Hey, looks like the dame went for help.

[Engine rumbling]

Well, what'll I do now?

They'll take me back to the psycho ward.

- And I won't be able to... - Cousin.

There's an old army maneuver known as scrammin'.

Quick, behind those bushes over there, hurry.

[Engine rumbling]

If you're not right about that air raid,

I'll be kicked right out of the army!

Francis: Might be a patriotic gesture. Duck!

You sure this is the place, miss?

Oui, I am sure, there is the mule.

But the poor lieutenant, he is gone.

Oh, never should I have left him, not for a moment.

So that's his talking mule, huh?

Why don't we ask him where his pal is?

Do not waste time with this stupid thing

while the poor lieutenant is getting lost

somewhere in the jungle.

Oh, he's probably halfway back to camp by now.

Come then we must be sure.

Oh, my poor lieutenant!

Remember, enemy bombers at 4:35.

"Oh, my poor lieutenant."

[Francis braying]

Lieutenant, do you realize the seriousness of this information?

Yes, sir.

- Where did you get it? _ uh...

If you tell me it was that... Thatjackass again, I'll...

Lieutenant, I'm in charge of intelligence.

You come and tell me that our headquarters are gonna be

bombed by enemy planes, you give me their schedule,

well, and then by thunder you...

Just who in tarnation do you think, you're...

- Working for? - You, sir.

And you still can't tell me the source

of your information?

No, sir.

Lieutenant, one of us is crazy.

- Yes, sir. - Yeah!

Don't be impertinent, young man.

Oh, no, sir.

Alright, lieutenant, I've got to take a chance on

your past record, I'm going to trust you.

I can't afford not to. That's all.

Lieutenant!

Do you know the status of a buck private in this man's army?

Well, if the information you gave me isn't right,

heaven help you.

Hooker: I'm gonna have you busted so low

that you'll have to use a telescope

to look up to a buck private.

Yes, sir.

[Instrumental music]

[Siren wailing]

[Clamoring]

Base headquarters to engineers.

Scramble! It's a three-bell alarm.

[Siren wailing]

[Sputtering]

Heaven help you, lieutenant.

[Music continues]

Sergeant, get those map cases and take off!

Lieutenant, all I can say is,

heaven help you!

Richards: Aw, quit your gripin'.

This is for duration plus six! Snap it up.

It isn't the heat, it's the japs.

For heavens sake, Francis, you're not sleeping.

Francis!

It's after 4:35.

It's after 4:35!

Yeah, usually it's about this time of day.

But nothing's happened.

I hope headquarters didn't go to sleep on that information.

Go to sleep? We've drawn fighter cover from every unit in Burma.

Francis. Francis, are you...

Are you sure of your information?

- Ooh, I suspect it's all right. - Suspect? Suspect?

Do... do you know what they're gonna to do to me?

I'm gonna have to use a telescope

to look up to a buck private!

Oh, why did I ever listen to you?

My career, it's ruined.

Dear me, do second lieutenants have careers?

[Airplanes droning]

Shh. Shh, wai... wait a minute.

I... I think I hear something.

Francis: And they ain't mosquitoes!

[Airplanes whirring]

Francis, they're coming! Look!

Up there, I can see 'em. Look!

[Instrumental music]

And here come our interceptors.

[Cannon fire]

[Laughing] I knew you were right all the time, pal.

I'm so happy, I could kiss you.

Relax, lieutenant, I can take it as well as the next mule,

but there's a limit to everything.

[Chuckles]

- Lieutenant? - Oh, no, th... thank you, sir.

And as I said, lieutenant, this entire command will be

eternally in your debt.

Eternally.

Now, come, come. Uh, no more nonsense.

You must realize this has gone beyond the joking stage.

- But, sir... - You know, lieutenant.

- I'm really very fond of you. - Yes, sir?

And I'm old enough to be your father.

Yes, sir.

And, uh, ahem, if it's an affaired'amour,

eh, lieutenant?

I could understand that.

D'amour? Oh... oh, no, sir, the... there wasn't any girl.

Oh, no girl.

Then with the great god Jupiter what in thunder's so all-fired

confidential about your source of information?

Well, I... I just can't tell you, sir.

Why? Why?

Because you wouldn't believe me if I did.

Oh, no, no! Not that mule again!

Yes, sir.

[Instrumental music]

[Hammering]

[Knocking on door]

Hello, you.

Is it our cute little mule again?

How fascinating. Simply fas...

Lieutenant humpert, hasn't anyone come to see me?

If by anyone, you mean Ms. Gelder, yes.

But colonel plepper's orders are no stimulation.

No one is permitted to visit you except...

Except, except who?

Except the commanding general.

The... the... Who... who did you say?

Lieutenant general Stevens.

Nobody can stop him from seeing you.

The commanding general to see me? Oh, no.

Well, there's nothing to be afraid of.

He's just another man.

General Stevens!

At ease, lieutenant.

- Sit down. - Thank you, sir.

Well, you've been having quite a time of it, haven't you, son?

Yes, sir.

You performed a great service,

both to your country and to my command.

And you've also caused terrific turmoil,

you know that, don't you?

I'm afraid I have, sir, but I didn't mean to.

Why, I'm sure that you didn't.

And I think you and I can get to

the crux of the situation successfully.

Now, at every interview, you have claimed

an army mule talks to you.

- Is that right? - Yes, sir.

My boy, I want you to understand the position

in which you place both me and my command.

Now, your actions are worthy of the highest commendation.

But your explanation of those actions is an affront

to the intelligence, to the dignity of my command.

How do you suppose this tale of a talking mule

would sound in a communique to Washington?

But it's true, sir.

Am I to understand you refuse to tell us

the real truth, lieutenant?

Oh, no, sir, I have told the real truth.

It's just that nobody'll believe me.

Well, I'm stumped. Completely stumped!

You really believe a mule talked to you, don't you?

I know it, sir.

Positively the weirdest tale I ever heard.

West point, 35 years in the army,

nine campaigns, seven children, four of them in the army.

I thought I'd bumped into everything.

But a lieutenant who insists he knows a mule that can talk!

May, may I make a suggestion, sir?

May you? I insist that you do.

Well, perhaps, perhaps you'd go and have a talk with Francis.

Perhaps I'd what?

You mean, you want me to meet this animal?

Yeah, well, yes, sir, then you could ask him

if what I've said isn't the truth, sir.

Me? Ask a mule?

Why, it I ever did such a thing, I'd... I'd lose my command.

But... but talk to a mule?

Well, I should say not!

[Instrumental music]

Lieutenant, is this the animal?

Stirling: Yes, sir.

Uh, hello, Francis.

How are you today?

Uh, Francis, I, I... I'd like you to meet the commanding general.

Uh, Francis, the... the commanding general.

Is something the matter?

Sir, I'm afraid I should have told you this before.

Francis is scared to death

the army will discover he can talk.

What?

He said he was afraid they'd send him

to officers candidate school.

A mule?

Well, that's what he said, sir.

Well, what do we do?

Well, sir, Francis has been in the army for seven years

and he takes great pride in the military.

I believe if you were to give him orders, he'd obey them.

Orders? What sort of orders?

Well, uh, uh, perhaps...

Uh, maybe, maybe you could trick him into talking, sir.

Lieutenant, as an officer I've been required to do

some mighty strange things.

But giving orders to a mule to trick her...

Him...

It into talking.

Well, I just wonder what the limit is.

Ten-hut!

Right turn!

Left turn!

About turn!

About turn!

At ease.

Ten-hut!

Count off!

W... w... would you, uh, try again, sir?

One step forward. March!

Report!

At ease.

A remarkably well-trained mule, lieutenant.

There's no indication the... animal can talk.

May I try again, sir?

Go ahead.

Francis...

You and I have been through a lot together.

We've faced death together.

So, for my sake, won't you please,

please talk to the general?

This whole thing is ridiculous, lieutenant. It's inexcusable!

Some of you junior officers are beyond me.

You're full of prunes or prune juice.

You confuse me, you confuse the g.I.'S,

you confuse the whole war effort!

When I think of what you'll do to the post-war world,

the hair I have left stands at attention.

General, you said a mouthful.

Just give me good junior officers

and I'll have the best...

Who...

Who said that?

It does my heart good, general, to hear you talk that way.

Just echoes what I've been thinking

ever since Pearl harbor.

Lieutenant, you're a ventriloquist!

Oh, no, sir.

Ten-hut!

No nonsense, this is an order.

I want direct answers to direct questions!

- Name? - Francis.

Organization?

A hundred and twenty-third mule detachment, sir.

- Serial number? - M-5-2-5-1-9.

At ease!

Well, I'll be hanged.

I'll be double and triple hanged.

I'll be hanged in 72 languages.

- So you can talk? - Yes, sir!

[Sighs]

Lieutenant stirling, I owe you an apology.

We all owe you an apology.

Yes, sir.

You, Francis, have done a truly magnificent job for the army.

Oh, shucks, I only tried to do my duty as I saw it, sir.

When america hears about you,

it'll cause more furor than the war.

Well, that's the last thing I want, sir.

And pardon the presumption, sir,

it's the last thing you should want too.

- What's your point? - Well, my point is.

That a three-star general

won't get any further with those army psychiatrists

than the lieutenant did.

Well, they'll sing a different tune when they hear you talk.

Uh, but they're not going to.

- What? You mean you won't talk? - That's right, sir.

- What if I order you to talk? - I hope you won't, sir.

But I'm the commanding general.

And I'm a mule, sir, and I have the right to act like one.

Francis, the one thing I won't tolerate in my command

is willful insubordination!

I'll obey any ordinary mule order, sir, but that's all.

You'll obey any orders you're qualified to obey.

Talking included!

Francis: And it! Don't? What happens to you?

Are you threatening me?

I'm merely reminding you, sir,

of what happened to the lieutenant.

I'm perfectly aware of what happened to the...

Lieutenant, but I...

Francis: For the good of the service, sir,

I suggest we forget about this little meeting.

Well, if you're going to be stubborn, I...

You may have a point at that.

At any rate, under the circumstances

you leave me no alternative.

B... but how am I ever gonna get out of the psychopathic ward?

Ah, that'll be taken care of somehow.

Come to think of it... You may be right.

This should go no further.

Very well, then. Uh, are we all agreed?

Yes, sir!

- Well? - Hm?

Oh, yes, sir.

[Knock on door]

Yes?

Surprise. Surprise, lieutenant.

We're gonna start another ducky new basket.

- Here you are. - Oh, no, you don't.

Hasn't colonel plepper heard from general Stevens yet?

Well, yes. In fact, he's with the general right now.

Lieutenant, is there anything wrong with the general?

Half the medical staff is over there.

Oh, no.

Orders are orders, colonel,

and I order you to discharge lieutenant stirling!

Sir, regulations are regulations.

And I can't discharge a man in stirling's condition!

For the tenth time, colonel,

there's nothing wrong with stirling.

He's perfectly normal.

Sir, normal people normally don't go around

holding conversations with mules.

Gentlemen, I was hoping I could avoid this,

but for lieutenant stirling's sake, you force me to...

Colonel Carmichael, in accordance

with army regulations, you have

periodically given me a thorough physical examination?

Why, yes, sir.

You've always found my reflexes to be normal?

Yes, general.

You've found no sign of neurosis,

abnormality or mental aberration?

- No, sir. - Very good!

Gentlemen, I have news for you.

Lieutenant stirling's mule can talk.

I've talked with him and what's more, he's talked back!

Well, really now, general.

Steady, plepper.

Carmichael: General...

What is it, colonel Carmichael?

Nothing, sir.

I was merely trying to remember when you had your last physical.

Get that look out of your eye, colonel.

You're not getting me in any psycho ward.

I tell you Francis can talk! Do you understand?

- That mule can talk! - Yes, general.

If you say so, that mule can talk.

That's better.

Now, gentlemen...

For obvious reasons, no word of this

should get outside this office.

Furthermore, I gave the mule my word.

Tell me, sir.

Is it just stirling's mule who talks to you

or do all mules talk, hm?

Excuse me, general.

Put it right over there, sergeant.

Stevens: Hooker, what the devil's the matter with you?

We just made a transcription of the Tokyo broadcast.

I think you should hear it, sir. Alright.

Colonel Carmichael, when did you last examine colonel hooker?

Woman 1: This is radio Tokyo

bringing you the voice of your Tokyo correspondent.

Woman 2: Good afternoon, fellows.

How's it going?

Well, before I give you the news of the day,

I've picked up a little top secret

that's too good to keep.

Believe it or not,

the Americans have a talking mule

in their Burma command.

Not mule talk, mind you,

but real important conversation.

He reports on Japanese movements

and helps plan defense strategy.

At least, that's what their general claims.

And a three-star general can't be wrong.

Can he, fellows?

Well, that's the scuttlebutt, boys.

Of course, it's just barely possible the poor man can be...

Well, your guess is as good as mine.

But it does make me wonder

which jackass would be the better general.

C'est la guerre, boys.

Now, a tune to cheer you up.

Turn that blasted thing off!

It's obvious the japs have got wind

of stirling's hallucination,

and they've twisted it

into a damaging propaganda.

Brilliant deduction, colonel.

I suggest, general,

we issue an immediate denial

and state the real facts.

What I'd like to know is

how the news leaked out.

I'm sure Francis didn't say anything.

[Uaughs] Well, hardly, unless we share

the lieutenant's delusions about the animal.

He's rather funny at that.

Imagine if a mule really could talk.

What do you mean, “imagine?"

It was the mule's idea that

this be kept confidential.

[Chuckles] Yes.

I beg your pardon, sir.

A twx, sir.

Urgent.

Well, we're due for a visit.

A planeload of correspondents

on their way to kunming heard the Tokyo broadcast.

They request permission to land.

Of course you'll refuse it, sir.

What, and have them think I'm really crazy?

That mule's gonna have to talk to the press!

Gentlemen, with your permission.

Colonel hooker, release stirling

and have him bring Francis here.

Here, sir?

Yes, sir.

Stevens: Oh, colonel hooker.

Yes, sir?

Tell him to...

Brush him up a bit.

Yes, sir.

And if you're thinking of starting me on a basket,

I'll have the three of you court-martialed!

Dismissed!

[Indistinct chatter]

What's the idea, lieutenant?

[Stutters] Th... the general's orders, sir.

[Clears throat]

General, lieutenant stirling and a mule reporting, sir.

Stevens: Send them in.

At ease.

What kept you, lieutenant?

Well, Francis didn't want to come, sir.

He's here now under protest.

Stevens: Oh, he is, huh?

Yes, sir.

He feels he's been double-crossed

and he's not gonna talk.

What?

I'm sorry, Francis.

An unfortunate development,

but that's war.

[Clears throat]

Francis,

I want you to meet colonel hooker.

He's been a bit skeptical.

These g-2 men, you know, are hard to convince.

Speak to him.

It's a pleasure, Francis.

The general has spoken very highly of you.

Now, listen, Francis.

This is no time for personal feelings.

The morale of this entire command is at stake.

Uh, perhaps, he should rest a while, general.

He looks very tired.

Nonsense! He's just a stubborn m...

He's just stubborn, that's all.

And that plane's due any minute.

Attention!

- Attention! - General, please.

You've got to get a hold of yourself.

Get hold of myself, indeed!

My order's being defied

by a stupid, insubordinate jackass!

He could be shot for it.

He should be, general.

Hooker: It would solve a lot of problems.

He can't do this to me.

The ungrateful, unpatriotic, unmentionable!

Believe me, Francis,

I don't know how the japs got the news

any more than you do.

Yes, there's a few questions

I'd like to ask on that subject.

If he won't talk to me, he won't talk to you!

Oh, I wasn't going to talk to the mule, sir.

Lieutenant stirling...

Who did you talk to about Francis?

Sir?

Who did you talk to about Francis?

Uh, no one, sir. Th... that is...

Well, only to maure... Uh, Ms. Gelder.

Oh, Ms. Gelder?

Well, I had to prove to her that I wasn't crazy, sir.

And I just happened to mention

that Francis had talked to the general too.

That's all I wanted to know.

Sir, I may have the answer to everything.

I should know in a few minutes.

Hooker: May I be excused, sir?

Very well.

Francis: G-2 intelligence.

Huh! Shoot him and we might win this war.

My sentiments exactly.

Francis!

Francis, I knew you wouldn't let the general down.

Francis: Keep your shirts on.

The gentlemen of the press will get no copy out of me.

Well, now, use your head, Francis.

You stand on the threshold of fame such as few men...

Few peop... few creatures have ever enjoyed.

Oh, I wouldn't enjoy it, sir.

But... now just picture it, Francis.

A special unit activated to handle you.

Waited on hand and foot.

Millions listening to your every word.

One of the most revolting sales talks I've ever heard.

Why, the thought of it, sir,

makes me shiver right down to my tail.

Think of the opportunity!

Why, you're a, a nobody.

Well, it's your nobodies, sir,

who are winning this mule's war.

Francis...

I've given 35 years of my life to the army.

And in all modesty, up to now,

I have been considered a pretty sound military man.

But my whole career

will be ruined today if you don't talk.

And mine will be ruined it I do!

- But, Francis. - Huh?

- Think of my family. - Unh-unh!

You've got me there, general.

I haven't got a family.

And according to all scientific reports,

I can never acquire one.

But the answer is still no!

And I am still the commanding general of this theater!

I have a good mind to horsewhip you!

Easy now, general.

Suppose you raised one little finger to me,

just a gentle slap, mind you.

Then suppose I talked.

I can see the headlines.

"Defenseless mule beaten by general."

What a story.

Why, you, you...

You're not worth the gunpowder

to blow you to...

Mess up my life, mess up my command,

mess up the whole war effort!

You too!

Out of my sight, both of you!

Yes, sir.

Come on, Francis.

Well, you certainly cooked our gooses.

Geese, lieutenant, geese.

Get back in there, lieutenant. You can't leave now.

But the general's orders, sir.

But, sir, the correspondents have arrived.

They're on the way in.

Get that animal out of sight and keep it out of sight.

Yes, sir.

Sir, the correspondents mustn't even see the mule.

Why not?

Hiding him isn't going

to hide my humiliation.

But you're not going to be humiliated...

And the correspondents are going to get a story.

They...

Behind the map board, lieutenant.

Stevens: Stop talking in circles, hooker.

I'm in no mood for guessing games.

General,

Ms. Gelder has been induced to substitute.

She's ready and waiting for the press conference.

Does that answer things for you, sir?

Yes!

Yes!

And, uh, if she doesn't make them

forget what they came for,

I don't know war correspondents.

Very good, colonel.

Uh, I'm afraid I've been a bit testy.

Well, I can well understand, sir.

Come on. Let's meet the press.

Lieutenant, swing him around.

His... tail is showing!

Stirling: Yes, sir.

- And, lieutenant. - Stirling: Yes, sir?

Not a word out of either of you.

Stirling: No, sir.

I wonder...

I wonder what Maureen can do

to satisfy the correspondents.

Francis: Well, how about a fan dance?

Tsk, tsk. Yeah, hey, hey.

And as you know, this is one of

the vital areas of action of this war.

The strategic situation here is entirely dependent

upon the uninterrupted flow of supplies.

Airlift, as you're aware, is definitely limited.

Man 1: General, what about this Tokyo broadcast?

[Clears throat] But in spite of all obstacles,

the job is being done.

General, do we get a look at this,

uh, famous mule?

Sir, how 'bout a picture of the mule for our...

How about an interview with this amazing mule?

Man 2: Yeah, what's with this Tokyo Rose

and the talking mule?

Uh, oh, yes, the story of the mule

who's winning the war single-hand...

Single-footed.

What we could do with an army

of such remarkable creatures, eh, colonel hooker?

[Laughs]

Indeed, general, but I think

we'll muddle through without them,

despite the enemy's

ridiculous propaganda.

Much as it may spoil news value for you, gentlemen,

I'm not quite ready for the psychopathic ward.

[Laughing]

But you're not going away empty-handed.

Colonel hooker, I suppose you'll brief

the boys on what's in store for them.

Glad to, general.

As you know, both the British and American armed forces

have been operating in this theater

with complete cooperation.

Some time back, British intelligence picked up

the trail of a very beautiful young woman,

supposedly French,

suspected of being part of a network of agents

collaborating with the enemy.

Uh, she was last active somewhere in sumatra.

Recently, one of our patrols picked up

the supposed daughter of a Dutch trader,

also a very beautiful young woman,

helping her papa run a trading post

in the Burma hills.

Oh, no, that's not true.

[Shushing]

We suspect that she was the same girl,

but we have no proof.

So we took a rather ingenious young officer,

assigned him to intelligence, and, uh, dangled him as bait.

Francis: So that's what you were doing in g-2, a booby-trap.

When you see the girl, [Clears throat]

And then take a look at lieutenant stirling,

you'll realize that her only interest in him

could have been for the purpose of getting information.

We saw to it that the lieutenant gave her misinformation.

But when he concocted the fantastic story

of a talking mule,

Ms. Gelder couldn't resist it,

sent it over to the enemy, and the trap was sprung.

Well, gentlemen, there's your story.

Worth coming for?

Sure, it she looks as good as she listens.

Bring Ms. Gelder in.

Maureen: Let go of mellaissez-moi!

Laissez-moi! Cochons, cochons! Pigs!

So brave, so strong, these Americans.

Two of them to guard one girl.

You have no evidence against me.

No evidence?

You're the only one to whom lieutenant stirling

told that absurd talking mule tale, uh, story.

And that misinformation got to Tokyo.

What proof have you got that I sent it?

Who accuses me, anyway, that lunatic lieutenant?

Stirling: Oh, no, Maureen, I...

I, I didn't have anything to do with this.

Why, I don't even believe in any of it!

Sir, this has all been a terrible mistake.

Why, she couldn't have done it.

But you could.

And you did, didn't you?

Anyone crazy enough to think that a mule can talk

is crazy enough to send messages to the enemy.

Isn't that so, Peter?

Why do you not confess?

Maureen.

Francis: Lieutenant, keep your mouth shut.

I'll handle this.

Sir, this dame's got him so goofy,

he's liable to say anything.

Silence, Francis!

You'll speak when you're spoken to!

Oh!

So you...

You can talk.

I hope to kiss a duck, I can talk.

And now, I'll tell you how she got

that information to the enemy.

You know that old Burmese temple up the road a piece?

Well, you'll find a couple of natives

hanging around the back door.

They're her messenger boys.

Maureen, why don't you say something?

Why don't you deny it?

Deny it? You stupid idiot.

It's all your fault, you...

You and that, and that stinking mule!

- Take her out. - No, you cannot do this.

You have no evidence. Laissee-moi! Cochons!

- Take that stupid lieutenant. - Stirling: Maureen!

Mau reen: Laissez-moi!

Thank you, Francis.

I'm glad I have at least one jackass in my command.

[Clears throat]

Gentlemen,

I didn't want to deceive you,

but in the interest of...

Spy stories, they're a dime a dozen,

but a talking mule!

Oh, I still don't believe it.

It's mass hypnosis.

Oh, sure, the whole thing's a gag.

We're either being played for saps

or we're all going as balmy as the lieutenant.

This thing can't talk.

A mule's the stupidest beast in existence.

Francis: Next to correspondents.

So you geniuses know everything, huh?

Well, I got some news for you.

Quote, "there's a war going on!"

Unquote.

So go peddle your papers.

We got some fightin' to do!

Francis!

Please remember that these gentlemen

have come thousands of miles to meet you.

If I'd have known, I'd have baked a cake.

Francis,

these men are leading representatives of the press.

Francis: Just goes to prove what I've always said.

The only reliable reading is the encyclopedia.

Francis!

Well, what am I supposed to do, sir?

Write their hogwash for 'em?

All we want are a... a few statements.

Francis: Okay, shoot.

How did you learn to talk?

A stupid question!

How'd you learn?

Why, uh, my mother taught me.

Francis: She must've had quite a struggle.

Francis, a little courtesy.

- That's an order. - Yes, sir.

Francis, how 'bout a couple of shots

of you and the general?

Well, that's up to you, sir.

Why, certainly, certainly.

Alright, gentlemen.

Shoot!

[Instrumental music]

Hooker: Ten-hut!

Halt!

- Man 3: One, two. - Hooker: Halt.

Francis: You understand, general,

I'm making this trip under protest.

Orders from Washington.

They're convinced the correspondents are crazy

and they're holding the stories until you arrive.

They've assigned six men to you as orderlies.

You arrive in Washington on Sunday.

From then on, you're under direct orders of the Pentagon.

Everything's being arranged for your comfort.

Francis: Just what I deserve

for not keeping my big mouth shut.

But, think of the good you can do.

War bond drives, speeches, public appearances.

You'll have a tremendous influence.

Horse feathers! I'm a fightin' mule.

I wouldn't be surprised

if I ran out on the whole show.

Why, you, you couldn't do that, Francis.

Francis: No, I couldn't.

Then again, maybe I could.

Well, you better get started.

Good voyage.

Francis: You know something?

I'm gonna miss you, lieutenant.

[Chuckles]

Oh, gee, Francis,

well, it... it's only for a couple of days though.

I... I'm to meet you in Washington.

Oh, there must be something the matter with me.

Why?

Francis: Oh...

I hate to leave you.

Well...

Keep your buttons shined.

Goodbye, Francis.

Francis: Yeah, so long.

Francis?

Francis: Huh?

Take care of yourself.

That's a hobby of mine.

Amazing.

Simply amazing!

[Airplane whirring]

- You have your orders? - Yes, sir.

Twenty-four copies of them.

Fine.

Now, you're to proceed directly

from the airport to the Pentagon.

Francis will be there.

You're to stay with him, reporting

to general fullbright of morale services.

Well, your plane leaves in a few minutes.

- Goodbye, sir. - Bye.

Goodbye, sir.

[Phone ringing]

- Take good care of Francis. - I will, sir.

Hello?

- Good trip, lieutenant. - Thank you.

What?

Wait, lieutenant, wait.

Are you sure?

Official?

All of them?

No word of him?

Yes, just as soon as you get anything.

I'll wait.

There's been an accident.

What, sir?

The plane has crashed.

Francis crashed?

Oh, no.

What happened, sir?

We don't know.

Where?

The hills of Kentucky, just a few minutes ago.

No further details.

The crew?

All parachuted to safety.

The mule refused to leave the plane.

Francis...

Francis...

So, I was returned to the United States.

I searched the wreckage of the plane.

Francis' body wasn't there.

Then I started combing the Kentucky countryside.

I looked everywhere, sir. Everywhere.

And of course, you never found him.

W... what, sir?

Munroe: I say, you never found him.

Oh, yes, sir, I found him.

You what?

- I... I found him, sir. - You did?

But... but... but what happened to him?

Well, he's living with me at my house.

Living with you now?

Yes.

Uh, would you, would you like to come and meet him?

Me?

J' mm-hm Bonnie lies over the ocean j“

j' mm-hm Bonnie lies over the sea j'j'

is this the... animal?

Yes, sir. This is Francis.

Wake up, fella.

I've, uh, brought our bank president,

Mr. Munroe, out to meet you.

Ah, he's heard stories,

thought I might be a little crazy,

so I want you to put his mind at rest.

It's your mind that needs rest,

not mine, young man.

If that stupid-looking thing has a thought in its head,

let alone talks,

then I'm a jackass too!

Here we go again!

[Instrumental music]