All language subtitles for Disenchantment.S03E08.1080p.WEB.H264-STRONTiUM

Hey!

First rain, now someone's a-knockin'?

'Tis far too much excitement
for folk like us.

See who it is.

Tell them we're not worthy.

'Tis a monster.

Well, come in, come in.

Have a bowl of flavorless mush.

We're sorry for screaming.

Not the stool!

Oh, God! Oona, you scared me.

Yes, I get that a lot.

Turbish! You scared me!

Yes, I get that a lot.

I'm still recovering
from last night's old-timer sex party.

There was a lot of drooping and dangling.

You missed the exciting
Sabre Dance accident.

That really happened, right?
With everybody nude?

Including me, including you…

Oh, God. Including you, Turbish?

Fun times.

Get outta here!

Dad saw it all. We drove him crazy.

I felt even more naked than I was.

Is no shame. You have nice butt cheeks.

Stop!

And are lucky you did not inherit
red, bushy hair from your father.

She's right, you know?

Turbish, scram!

Man, Dreamland is in trouble.
We've gotta do something.

Turbish! I hear you breathing.

Okay, I'll stop.

Oh! It's too hard.

Get outta here.

I go bye now. Bye.

- Bye.
- Bye.

And listen.

Oh, good, he's honking.
That's better than screaming.

Quietly announcing the arrival

of Pirate Queen Oona
and Princess Tiabeanie,

so as not to upset
the king's delicate disposition.

Huh? What's that?

I said it's your slinky ex-wife
Oona and troubled daughter Bean!

Oh, poor Zøg.

You are tied up
like giant, sweaty rump roast.

And maybe some tater tots?

And a side of green beans?

Oh, my God.
Can you at least show my dad some dignity?

I mean, he's our king.

Yes, of course, Princess.
We will treat Zøg with our utmost respect.

Until it's no longer necessary.

What did you mean by that?

Nothing. Nothing at all.

That you have to worry about.

What did you mean by that?

Please, Tiabeanie, you can trust us.

Wink.

Hey, Oona, who do you think
I should punch first?

Careful, Bean. What Dreamland
need right now is steady hand.

- Oh, and a new army.
- What?

Elfo scared off
all the new recruits last night

with his moonlight
slappin' on the bum-bum.

You saw that?

Oh, yeah, we all saw it, Elfo.

And we'll never unsee it.

We only have 12 arrows left.

We keep aiming at seagulls and missing.

Turbish!

Bean, I take care of crazy Zøggy.
You take care of crazy kingdom.

It's going to be okay.

No more honking.

No, no, no more honking.

♪ Honks go away
Bye-bye, honking ♪

♪ No more honking ♪

Mmm.

Ah! Now, everyone tiptoe out,
quiet as dead mouse.

A monster comes for us all!

All right, you simple country folks.

Uh, tell me exactly
what happened with the monster.

It trampled my corn
with its humongous feet.

It tossed Granny into the next kingdom.

It rampaged through my pantry
and befouled everything.

Oh, my, the smearing.

It stole my butter.

Hey, psst, Bean.

Isn't it weird
the monster ate everything in sight,

but didn't touch these succulent pigs?

Maybe it's a kosher monster?

Merkimer, did you see
a monster around here?

Sorry, I tend not to notice
things that aren't me.

What do we do, Detective Tiabeanie?

I don't know yet.

Then we'll handle this ourselves!

Gouge its eyes out, one at a time.

Oh, my. What fun.

Elfo, Luci, stop!

Uh, wish I could, but my feet
are going this way. Sorry, Bean.

The masses have spoken.

No! Violence never solves anything.

Except for the one time
it solved all that stuff.

But that was once.

Why are you still here?
The mob went that way.

All right, jeez.

- What's your name?
- Sam Buca.

- "Sambuca"?
- No, Sam Buca.

First name, "Sam." Last name, "Buca."

- Hold on…
- What?

- Are you married to Denise?
- Yeah.

- Buca?
- Yeah.

- Oh, here we go.
- What?

Well, I don't wanna get into it,

but down at the pub,
she was stealin' mugs.

Yeah, well, that's how we get mugs.

You can't just steal mugs
from an established place.

- Oh, and you don't?
- No, I don't.

- Yeah, you don't steal mugs.
- Look, I...

If I need a mug,
I'll go and use it at the bar.

Just go home to Denise.
I'm sure you guys can, you know…

- Drink from mugs?
- Yeah, that you stole.

- Not… Yeah. Okay, fine.
- Okay, fine.

- I've gotta go.
- Well, I'm… Yeah, you should go.

I'll tell Denise you said...

No, please do not tell her
anything about me.

Well, she has to know.

Don't you have a mob to join?

Yeah, maybe I do. Ciao.

Uh, what?

I'm gonna go eat some chow. I'm hungry.

Some detective you are.

Look, there it goes!

We got ourselves a runner!

They always head
for the abandoned tower.

We don't wanna kill ya,
we just wanna burn ya some.

Stop! Stop! Monsters are people, too.

No, they're not.
We're barely people ourselves.

Okay, until we find out what it is,
we're not burning anything.

Too late, ma'am.
Rufus done set the castle on fire.

God damn it.

Don't die in there, Bean.
I'm not stable enough for grief right now.

And I want my knife back.

Hi. Hey.

Hi.

I'm Bean.

Okay, so, you see
that crazy castle over there?

That's where I'm from.

No, no, not that one.

That's the mini-golf course
that no one goes to anymore, 'cause…

Anyway, okay, listen.
I know things look pretty bad right now.

The rubes have you cornered,
the tower's on fire,

and I'm pointing this big knife
at what I think is your face.

Which I will use if I have to,
but I don't want to.

I wanna be your friend.

Believe it or not,

I know what it feels like
to be burned alive by a mob of idiots.

I get it, you're scared. I'm scared, too.

If we both stay calm,
and nobody makes any sudden moves,

this whole thing will turn out fine.

What do you say we hug it out
and head downstairs?

Oh, my God, you're on fire! Okay…

Merkimer?

No one hurt him
any more than he already is.

It's not a monster, okay?
It's Prince Merkimer.

One of your many handsome fiancés.

I'd know my fine, dimpled ass anywhere.

Stay back, Rufus!

- We got him.
- We caught the monster.

That's no monster.
That's Sam Buca, the mug thief.

Ooh, the mystery of the missin' mugs...

Has been solved.

This is a vendetta
'cause you're jealous of Denise.

No, this is not a vendetta.

This is because these buffoons
are the worst backup ever.

I have no army. Dreamland is screwed!

- Denise says hi.
- What?

She says she's high.

On bread mold? And you can't have any.

What's your prognosis, Sorcerio?

I'm not sure what that word means,
but look at this.

Every time I jab him, he squeals.

What about the curse?
Can you get Merkimer back into his body?

I have such a yearning
for opposable thumbs.

Do you know how hard it is
to pleasure oneself with hooves?

'Tis well-nigh impossible!

A curse reversal, you say?

This is a job for a wizard
of exceptional power.

So I'm out.

You mean I'm trapped
as a useless pig forever?

No!

On the bright side, look at this
cool trick I just taught the human you.

Flick.

Good.

Flick!

Good.

Please stop that.

You compound my sorrow
with those nauseating cheeseballs.

Oh, my God, you guys.
It totally looks like he's talking!

Elfo, flick him another one.

Flick.

Merkimer, say something.

I don't know what you're trying to pull,
but I've been humiliated enough.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'd like to enjoy this butter I stole.

Oh, sweet butter, you're the only thing
right with the world.

Oh, Bean, you're right. It's uncanny.

Hmm, how many
of those snack treats you got?

What do you think
that sack is filled with?

Pack your cheeseballs.
We're going to Bentwood.

I'm sorry,
but we're not taking refugees today.

Or any day.

Of course, no. Yeah.

Uh, I'm actually Princess Tiabeanie
from the mighty kingdom of Dreamland,

and we're on a diplomatic mission
of great secrecy and importance.

Not in that thing, you ain't.

For God's sake, enough chitter chatter.

Let us in right now or I'll have you
transferred to an early grave.

Prince Merkimer! Forgive me.

I'll order your usual fanfare immediately.

Bow lower.

Even lower.

Huh. Actually not as grand
as I thought it'd be.

That's the garage.

Mother! Father!

The rest of you.

I, Prince Merkimer of Bentwood,
welcome you all to my return.

Is that Merkimer?

You hug him this time.

Oh, happy day.

Uh… Merkimer, my favorite son
since my favorite son died.

You've returned.

But this is impossible.
You were transposed into a pig.

I saw it. How did you...

Sorcerio, our fabulous wizard,

he switched your pig-son Merkimer
back into his human-body Merkimer.

I return your son to you,
asking nothing in return.

Except for…

one little favor?

Oh, here we go.

Dreamland needs
a large amount of money, right away,

and maybe some cannons,
arrows, plus shields and swords.

And what're those
ball-chain-y things called?

You dare ask for ball-chain-y things

after killing one son
and pig-ifying the other?

I hear you, I do.

I'm listening hard,
but I need you to listen back.

Prince Merkimer might have something
to say that'll change your minds.

You're on, baby.

Flick.

Friends, enemies, friends with benefits,

lackeys, lickspittles,
flunkies, flatterers, ass-kissers

and all of fair Bentwood, listen up.

Today, you receive a gift from heaven.

Me.

Flick.

And for this gift, we owe
a tremendous debt of gratitude

to none other than…

- me.
- What?

Now, let the celebration
of all things Merkimer begin.

Free beer at the pub,
for as long as my allowance lasts.

That's not why we came here.

Great speech.

Now, maybe can we talk about the money
and weapons we came here for?

In due time, Bean. In due time.

A toast to Prince Merkimer.

A gallant guzzler who never met a table
he couldn't drink someone under.

Slurp, slurp, slurp.

Huzzah!

Good show.

Just like old times, eh, Merk?

Quite so.

I thought we were done with this charade
when he went off and became a pig.

Which was a step up, by the way.

Ugh, God, where's his bed?
It's dark in here.

It's right in front of you.

- Close enough. What a jerk.
- Big jerk.

Of all the jerks in this jerk kingdom,
I think the worst is Merkimer.

Sigh.

I forgive you.

I know you didn't mean
for me to overhear that.

I did mean that.

Oh, brother-husband.

There's that pig
our son seems so attached to!

Ugh, hideous creature.

What do you mean? The pig or our son?

Woe is me.

I'm so very, very, very, very, very…

sad.

Leave me be.
I'm crestfallen and I can't get up.

All right, knock off the self-pity.

We're wasting time, and drinks
are really expensive in this place.

We need to close the deal
with your parents now.

Where's Big Boy Merkimer?

I don't know.

Last time I saw him, he was in the corner
trying to mount his own shadow.

He abandoned me,
like everyone eventually does.

I'm so alone.

Sigh.

Why did I think Merkimer
would ever come through for us?

God, I feel so naive.

I would have also accepted
stupid, foolish or schmucky.

You don't need that little pink squealer.
You can ask his parents yourself.

Hey, yeah! I'll just put on
the ol' pathetic, single princess act.

Yeah, "put on."

Mad.

Look, there's Merkimer.

But where are King Lorenzo
and Queen Bunny?

Mumsy and Daddy?
I had enough of them.

Merkimer, shut up. You're not helping.

I'm not trying to help.

Also, I didn't say anything.

Then who did?

It was I.

What?

You can talk?

I can even soliloquize,
Princess Tiabeanie.

Once, I lived a wild
and carefree bachelor life

of rampaging naked across the countryside.

But you took that away from me.

From the moment you hosed me off,
I have been watching you.

Slowly, I learned to speak,
but I held my tongue,

biding my time until the moment I could
deploy the art you've best schooled me in.

Backstabbing.

Welcome to my one-man revolution.

This is a coup.

I've imprisoned everyone
who laughed at me, belittled me,

or beat me at badminton.

Guards who live in this tube,

come to the throne room immediately
and arrest the princess and her boy-toys.

Oh, I like that. Hey!

Merkimer, do something.

I intend to.

Take her away.

What? I thought
that we were buds, you know?

We had, like, a banter! We bonded!

And we're both screwed-up royal kids,
searching for ourselves.

It would take a lot of love-making with me
to change my mind.

Take me away.

I'm gonna tell your mumsy
and daddy about this.

Please do.
They're awaiting you in the dungeon.

You know, Merkimer?
I have dreamed of this day all my life.

Seeing myself sitting there on the throne.

Ruler over all.

Vanquisher of my enemies.

A big, fat smirk on my face.

But it's been a lonely dream.

Amazingly, I've had
the same dream myself, Merkimer.

- Really?
- Really.

Here, I have something for you.

And I, you.

Merkimer.

Oh, Merkimer.

We wouldn't be in this dungeon

if you'd married our spoiled,
ungrateful son in the first place.

Oh, I'm so sorry I didn't marry a pig

just so you could have
more poor people to tax.

Don't play coy with me.
You know what that alliance was about.

Yeah, finally settling my bar tab.

Young lady, it had nothing to do
with our fabulous wealth,

and everything to do
with Dreamland's secret resources.

And I will get them.

Lorenzo always gets what he wants.

Guards, let us out this instant.

No way, you greedy bastard.

I just heard about the coup.

As the palace wizard,

I offer you my humble
but fabulous magical services,

Your revolutionary Highnesses.

Please, call us what we call ourselves.

The Merkimer boys.

Oh, God.

Mom?

My poor Bean. Tricked by a pig.

Don't you know
you can't trust anyone but yourself?

Your friends will all
leave you in the end.

Every last one.

And then you'll be all alone,
with only me behind you.

Luci, you wouldn't leave me, would you?

No. Till death do us part, Beanie baby.

Merkimer, I've come to a decision.
I want to be a pig again.

You do? You surprise me, me.

Yes. I see the way
you eat and sleep and bathe…

Well, not bathe.

And I long for those days.

I want to switch bodies
with you again. What say you?

Well, it's only my most fondest wish.

But this is impossible.

It would take a wizard of great competence
to produce such a spell.

You mean anyone but Sorcerio.

The potion is ready.

I drew blood from the visiting elf.

My, what a squirmer.

We can dispose of him now.

Poor, sweet Elmo.
He's always been there for us.

That's why I remembered his name.

Your Majesty,
the torture chamber is ready.

Torture chamber? Isn't that cruel?

Your friend Bean wanted money.
Now, she'll drown in it.

Man, what a jerk.

Oh, is this thing on?

Well, at least they gave us our own room.

Look, that ceiling panel's opening up.

- That ain't good.
- Ow!

A coin? Ow!

Another coin. Ow!

Ow! Ow!

- Hmm, I'm sensing a pattern here.
- Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

- Elfo.
- What? Ow!

- Scoot away.
- No, I was here first. Ow!

- I'm not jealous of getting hit.
- Ow!

- Just scoot your...
- You clearly are. Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Jealous? Ow!

I'm not at all.

You clearly are. Ow!

I'm not. You're crying.

No, I'm not. I love it!

It's the best thing
that's ever happened to me.

Elfo, scoot away.

Help me! Ow.

Let us toast. To us.

Hold on a moment. What's that sound?

What sound?

Ow! Ow! Ow!

You know what really pisses me off?

That we're gonna die?

No. Yes. Ow!

That it's all because
we trusted that stupid pig. Ow!

And I thought he was our friend. Ow!

- Oh, Elfo.
- Ow!

We can't know
what's going on in Merkimer's heart.

Ow!

But I refuse to believe
he would do this to us.

Ow!

- That stupid pig is our friend.
- Ow!

What?

Here, I'll turn down the volume.

Now, where were we? Oh, yes, right here.

To me. To you. To us.

"Us"?

Us?

Elfo, whatever you do,
keep your mouth shut.

You're not the boss of me...

Told ya.

Help! I swallowed $50!

Help me, not Elfo!

My wee hooves
are good for nothing. I'm useless.

Just a fat, greasy pig.

Why, that's it!

Am I the hero?

Oh, Merkimer. I'm so disappointed in you.

And I, you.

What the hell, Merkimer?
Now you're kicking pigs?

It's okay, Bean! I've learned how to roll.

Oh, no.

Oh!

Hello, Bean.

Shut up, you arrogant bastard.

Touché, mon amour.

With your brains and my beauty,
what a twosome we could've been.

Maybe you weren't a monster
when I found you,

but I definitely turned you into one.

And now, I have to kill you.

But I am the one spinning the flail.

That's what it's called.

Bean, look out!

Whoa!

Bean, your boot!

Not again.

Whee!

Quite sad.

That's disgusting.

Guys. Guys! Pull me up.

Faster, Turbish! Drive. Drive!

Goodbye, Bentwood. Goodbye forever.

Sorry I ruined everything.

No, you saved us, Merkimer.

You're a better person as a pig

than any of those pigs
back there are as people.

Never forget that.

I suppose you're right.

You may not have gotten any money,
you may not have gotten any weapons.

But you escaped
with the greatest treasure of all.

Me.

Really coulda used that money, though.

Now, all we need is weapons.

We've got arrows!