All language subtitles for Youre.the.Worst.S03E11.The.Inherent.Unsullied.Qualitative.Value.of.Anything.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-SiGMA_track3_[eng]
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1
00:00:02,603 --> 00:00:04,605
(clattering)
2
00:00:12,746 --> 00:00:15,416
Jimmy, if you're thinking
of getting into ski porn,
3
00:00:15,449 --> 00:00:17,985
it's a niche audience
and the work is seasonal.
4
00:00:18,018 --> 00:00:19,253
I have it all worked out,
Gretchen--
5
00:00:19,287 --> 00:00:21,055
what I saw from
my tree house last night:
6
00:00:21,089 --> 00:00:23,023
my father is no longer
7
00:00:23,057 --> 00:00:25,493
a force in my life,
thus, everything I am
8
00:00:25,526 --> 00:00:27,495
and have is suspect,
9
00:00:27,528 --> 00:00:29,930
acquired or decided,
as it all were, in the context
10
00:00:29,963 --> 00:00:33,567
of being "Ronny's son,"
which I am no longer, thus,
11
00:00:33,601 --> 00:00:34,935
reevaluation.
12
00:00:34,968 --> 00:00:37,037
It's all up for review.
13
00:00:37,071 --> 00:00:40,374
So, I'm making a pros and cons
list of everything in my life
14
00:00:40,408 --> 00:00:43,244
to work out whether I still
need it or not.
15
00:00:43,277 --> 00:00:45,613
Oh, boy.
It's the perfect
16
00:00:45,646 --> 00:00:48,616
post-emotional analytic tool
to determine the inherent,
17
00:00:48,649 --> 00:00:52,019
unsullied qualitative value
of anything.
18
00:00:52,052 --> 00:00:54,255
To whit. Stapler.
19
00:00:54,288 --> 00:00:56,790
Pros:
petite, efficient, comely.
20
00:00:56,824 --> 00:00:59,593
Cons: literally no place
for you in the digital world.
21
00:00:59,627 --> 00:01:01,061
Good-bye, old girl.
22
00:01:03,897 --> 00:01:06,033
Hmm... tough one.
23
00:01:06,066 --> 00:01:08,602
Pros: strong tassels,
24
00:01:08,636 --> 00:01:10,037
I look fantastic in it.
25
00:01:10,070 --> 00:01:12,706
Cons: I saw Moby
wearing the same one
26
00:01:12,740 --> 00:01:14,041
on the cover of Yoga Life.
27
00:01:14,074 --> 00:01:15,676
And there's the answer.
28
00:01:16,977 --> 00:01:18,879
Right. My stuff...
29
00:01:18,912 --> 00:01:20,914
there's your stuff...
30
00:01:26,154 --> 00:01:26,920
Hmm?
31
00:01:47,275 --> 00:01:49,743
Oh! Fine! Jesus Christ!
32
00:01:49,777 --> 00:01:51,812
Fine, Jimmy.
Do your insane,
33
00:01:51,845 --> 00:01:54,748
idiotic thing
and get this over with.
34
00:01:54,782 --> 00:01:57,351
Gretchen pro-con list, go.
35
00:01:57,385 --> 00:02:00,954
Well, okay.
36
00:02:00,988 --> 00:02:02,823
You and your stupid tree house.
37
00:02:02,856 --> 00:02:04,858
I swear, I wish I'd never
mentioned Dead Poets Society
38
00:02:04,892 --> 00:02:06,860
in front of you.
You literally just did
39
00:02:06,894 --> 00:02:09,997
the standing on the desk
thing, but higher.
40
00:02:10,030 --> 00:02:11,632
The quicker we do this,
the quicker we can
41
00:02:11,665 --> 00:02:13,967
move on with our lives.
42
00:02:14,001 --> 00:02:17,538
I have stuff to do for Shitstain
and Jaclyn's elopement party.
43
00:02:17,571 --> 00:02:19,006
Bet your ass
he's not making a list.
44
00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:22,610
Okay, fine.
45
00:02:22,643 --> 00:02:26,347
Here are two things to
start off your pro list.
46
00:02:26,380 --> 00:02:29,417
Bam! Carpe those diems.
47
00:02:30,418 --> 00:02:32,220
Aw, man.
48
00:02:32,253 --> 00:02:33,854
I slept in gum again?
49
00:02:33,887 --> 00:02:35,223
(groans)
50
00:02:36,557 --> 00:02:37,825
Just know that, uh,
51
00:02:37,858 --> 00:02:39,227
this is gonna be
a waste of your time.
52
00:02:39,260 --> 00:02:40,528
The end result
is gonna be,
53
00:02:40,561 --> 00:02:41,662
"Damn, she's awesome.
54
00:02:41,695 --> 00:02:43,464
"That list was pointless.
55
00:02:43,497 --> 00:02:45,799
"Wasted all that paper and ink.
56
00:02:45,833 --> 00:02:48,402
Sorry trees. Sorry squids."
57
00:02:50,438 --> 00:02:53,374
Wait, is that
how you think we get ink?
58
00:02:53,407 --> 00:02:55,409
From squids?
59
00:02:56,577 --> 00:02:58,078
No.
60
00:02:59,380 --> 00:03:00,748
Aw, damn it!
61
00:03:03,116 --> 00:03:05,553
*
62
00:03:10,524 --> 00:03:13,327
* I'm gonna leave you anyway
63
00:03:13,361 --> 00:03:16,063
* I'm gonna leave you
anyway *
64
00:03:16,096 --> 00:03:19,400
* Gonna leave you anyway.
65
00:03:29,977 --> 00:03:31,211
(sniffs)
66
00:03:31,245 --> 00:03:32,746
(indistinct chatter,
dishes clinking)
67
00:03:35,416 --> 00:03:37,418
(upbeat music playing)
68
00:03:49,330 --> 00:03:51,332
Ooh. Ceviche?
69
00:03:59,340 --> 00:04:02,142
I don't get it.
A pros and cons list about you?
70
00:04:02,175 --> 00:04:03,444
What's on it?
71
00:04:03,477 --> 00:04:05,245
Oh, who cares?
We all have negative shit
72
00:04:05,279 --> 00:04:06,814
we think about everyone
in our lives.
73
00:04:06,847 --> 00:04:09,216
Yeah, but writing it
down makes it real.
74
00:04:09,249 --> 00:04:12,386
Like Web sites or
fortune cookies.
75
00:04:12,420 --> 00:04:14,988
So, how'd Paul react to the news
that you're leaving him?
76
00:04:15,022 --> 00:04:16,724
Ain't told him yet.
77
00:04:16,757 --> 00:04:19,960
First I got to set myself
up, get my own place.
78
00:04:19,993 --> 00:04:22,496
And it'll be so phat because
I'll be getting those sweet
79
00:04:22,530 --> 00:04:24,131
monthly checks
from the prenup.
80
00:04:24,164 --> 00:04:26,166
Wait, what?
You have a prenup?
81
00:04:26,199 --> 00:04:29,470
(laughs) Yeah, Paul was like,
"Oh, honey, we don't need one."
82
00:04:29,503 --> 00:04:32,473
But uh-uh, I didn't
fall for that shit.
83
00:04:32,506 --> 00:04:35,108
So, like a boss,
I made him.
84
00:04:35,142 --> 00:04:36,944
Lindsay, you ding-dong.
85
00:04:36,977 --> 00:04:39,847
A prenup protects
the wealthier person, him,
86
00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:44,251
in a divorce from giving his
money to the poorer person, you.
87
00:04:44,284 --> 00:04:46,354
Are you goddamn
kidding me?
88
00:04:46,387 --> 00:04:48,622
And you let me
get an abortion?!
89
00:04:48,656 --> 00:04:50,991
I had a ticket
to 18 years of dough
90
00:04:51,024 --> 00:04:53,494
and you let me flush my ticket?
91
00:04:53,527 --> 00:04:56,530
Hey, just focus.
92
00:04:56,564 --> 00:04:59,767
Do the most important thing
first: tell Paul.
93
00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:01,969
Once you do that,
you can figure out your life.
94
00:05:02,002 --> 00:05:05,205
Now I have to get
a stupid job.
95
00:05:05,238 --> 00:05:06,840
Can I have a job?
96
00:05:06,874 --> 00:05:09,543
That's gonna be a hard no.
97
00:05:09,577 --> 00:05:11,579
*
98
00:05:15,349 --> 00:05:18,552
So, I got a bunch of ideas
about that restaurant concept.
99
00:05:18,586 --> 00:05:20,854
You know, savory cereal?
100
00:05:20,888 --> 00:05:23,524
Two words: Beefy Pebbles.
101
00:05:23,557 --> 00:05:26,159
We'll talk later.
102
00:05:26,193 --> 00:05:27,728
Ooh, excuse me?
Excuse me? Excuse me?
103
00:05:27,761 --> 00:05:29,630
SHITSTAIN:
Did-did you call him?
104
00:05:29,663 --> 00:05:32,032
HONEY NUTZ: Yes, I called him.
I can't believe he's late, man.
105
00:05:32,065 --> 00:05:35,135
I can. He's been the
worst best man ever.
106
00:05:35,168 --> 00:05:37,405
He lost the ring at the
Monterey Aquarium tide pool.
107
00:05:37,438 --> 00:05:38,872
Said a sea anemone
took it.
108
00:05:38,906 --> 00:05:40,641
Does that even sound
plausible to you?
109
00:05:40,674 --> 00:05:43,043
Do you know how slow
a sea anemone is?
110
00:05:43,076 --> 00:05:44,478
There he is.
111
00:05:44,512 --> 00:05:45,979
Where's the
navy suit?
112
00:05:46,013 --> 00:05:48,315
Oh, nah, blood, this is it.
113
00:05:48,348 --> 00:05:51,184
I just got the pants hemmed
and the jacket taken in.
114
00:05:51,218 --> 00:05:53,353
Then it still was
a total piece of shit,
115
00:05:53,387 --> 00:05:55,989
so I lit it on fire and bought
something dope instead.
116
00:05:56,023 --> 00:05:57,858
(groans) That's it!
117
00:05:57,891 --> 00:05:59,326
You're fired as best man.
118
00:05:59,359 --> 00:06:01,595
Nutz, you're giving
the toast tonight.
119
00:06:01,629 --> 00:06:03,196
Seriously?
120
00:06:03,230 --> 00:06:06,233
Okay, idiot, good luck
with this mush-mouth.
121
00:06:06,266 --> 00:06:07,935
Fool can't even leave
a simple voice mail.
122
00:06:07,968 --> 00:06:09,937
Always be like, "Uh...
123
00:06:09,970 --> 00:06:12,773
Call me back. Uh..." Click.
124
00:06:12,806 --> 00:06:15,443
Y-Yo, you know public speaking
is one of my greatest fears.
125
00:06:15,476 --> 00:06:16,944
It's public speaking,
heights and waking up
126
00:06:16,977 --> 00:06:18,412
with a scorpion
in my mouth.
127
00:06:18,446 --> 00:06:19,747
You'll be fine.
128
00:06:19,780 --> 00:06:21,281
We're professional
public speakers.
129
00:06:21,314 --> 00:06:22,716
That-that's different.
130
00:06:22,750 --> 00:06:24,952
Look, Honey Nutz is a persona.
131
00:06:24,985 --> 00:06:28,722
Uh, when I'm not rapping,
I'm just Zachary from Reseda,
132
00:06:28,756 --> 00:06:30,090
that likes hard cider
133
00:06:30,123 --> 00:06:32,460
and losing myself
in a graphic novel.
134
00:06:32,493 --> 00:06:34,361
(growls)
135
00:06:34,394 --> 00:06:35,929
I don't mean no
disrespect, by that.
136
00:06:35,963 --> 00:06:37,598
I don't, I don't.
I'm just saying...
137
00:06:38,599 --> 00:06:40,167
Oh!
138
00:06:42,603 --> 00:06:44,137
Nice look.
139
00:06:44,171 --> 00:06:46,640
Shouldn't you be trying
to shoot down Snoopy?
140
00:06:46,674 --> 00:06:49,543
I went a little crazy
with the purge.
141
00:06:49,577 --> 00:06:52,480
Got rid of all my outerwear
and my underwear.
142
00:06:52,513 --> 00:06:56,450
I'm currently wearing one
of Edgar's bathing suits.
143
00:06:56,484 --> 00:06:59,887
Jimmy, I've thought about
your pros and cons list,
144
00:06:59,920 --> 00:07:02,756
and I think it's only fair
that you show it to me.
145
00:07:02,790 --> 00:07:05,158
Gretchen, I'm undergoing
146
00:07:05,192 --> 00:07:08,962
a really painful process
of reevaluation.
147
00:07:08,996 --> 00:07:11,899
Now, if you could just
respect my privacy,
148
00:07:11,932 --> 00:07:14,134
I'd really
appreciate it.
149
00:07:14,167 --> 00:07:17,905
Fine, I hear you.
You have my word.
150
00:07:17,938 --> 00:07:19,339
Mm.
151
00:07:22,109 --> 00:07:23,076
Mm.
152
00:07:23,110 --> 00:07:24,778
Oh, yeah.
Ooh, a zipper!
153
00:07:24,812 --> 00:07:26,814
I can't get through that.
(laughs)
154
00:07:29,650 --> 00:07:31,418
Fine.
155
00:07:31,451 --> 00:07:34,154
I'm gonna go shake gifts, see
if anything sounds expensive.
156
00:07:36,624 --> 00:07:38,158
Jimmy.
157
00:07:38,191 --> 00:07:39,593
This is my wife, Jaclyn.
158
00:07:39,627 --> 00:07:40,594
Hi!
159
00:07:40,628 --> 00:07:42,129
(scoffs)
160
00:07:42,162 --> 00:07:44,464
What a dick.
Don't worry, he's an asshole.
161
00:07:44,498 --> 00:07:46,099
Priscilla!
162
00:07:46,133 --> 00:07:47,835
Oh, look at you!
163
00:07:47,868 --> 00:07:49,136
Oh. What do you think?
Amazing!
164
00:07:49,169 --> 00:07:50,370
Oh, thank you.
165
00:07:50,403 --> 00:07:52,005
MAN:
Shitstain in the house!
166
00:07:52,039 --> 00:07:53,807
I love weddings.
167
00:07:53,841 --> 00:07:55,308
Friends coming together.
168
00:07:55,342 --> 00:07:56,977
Old couples falling
in love again.
169
00:07:57,010 --> 00:07:59,112
Plus, you can totally
steal a chair at a wedding.
170
00:07:59,146 --> 00:08:00,981
I've done it so many times.
171
00:08:01,014 --> 00:08:03,551
Most of my chairs
are wedding chairs.
(phone vibrates)
172
00:08:03,584 --> 00:08:04,952
What's going on?
173
00:08:04,985 --> 00:08:06,887
Whoa. It's Doug Benson.
174
00:08:06,920 --> 00:08:10,457
He wants me to come up with
five sketch ideas by tomorrow.
175
00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:12,459
(exhales) Well...
176
00:08:12,492 --> 00:08:14,728
I guess I better
start brainstorming.
177
00:08:14,762 --> 00:08:16,797
Wait, you're gonna work
at a wedding?
178
00:08:16,830 --> 00:08:18,198
I don't have a
choice, Dorothy.
179
00:08:18,231 --> 00:08:20,333
I mean, this is a
huge opportunity.
180
00:08:20,367 --> 00:08:22,369
I-I got to nail it.
181
00:08:22,402 --> 00:08:24,137
Okay, let's see.
182
00:08:24,171 --> 00:08:26,206
Weddings, weddings.
183
00:08:26,239 --> 00:08:29,342
Bride. Groom. Broom.
184
00:08:30,711 --> 00:08:34,381
Here comes... the broom?
185
00:08:37,117 --> 00:08:38,485
Wow.
186
00:08:38,518 --> 00:08:40,888
This might not take
long after all.
187
00:08:40,921 --> 00:08:43,891
Cool. So just go do
your very important work,
188
00:08:43,924 --> 00:08:47,728
and I'll just wander around
by myself, like a loser.
189
00:08:49,296 --> 00:08:50,931
Hey! Lindsay!
190
00:08:51,932 --> 00:08:55,202
(groaning)
191
00:08:55,235 --> 00:08:56,670
He has a job.
192
00:08:56,704 --> 00:08:58,706
How'd he get that?
193
00:09:04,544 --> 00:09:07,447
SHITSTAIN: All right,
I fired him to hire you.
194
00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:09,683
These aren't your
words you're writing.
195
00:09:09,717 --> 00:09:12,219
What is that?
(sniffing)
196
00:09:17,224 --> 00:09:19,192
Hey. How'd you get that?
197
00:09:19,226 --> 00:09:20,427
What? (chuckles)
198
00:09:20,460 --> 00:09:23,864
I-I don't know what
you're talking about.
199
00:09:23,897 --> 00:09:26,133
PRISCILLA:
Listen one more time.
200
00:09:26,166 --> 00:09:30,638
My client wants
100% ostrich feathers.
201
00:09:30,671 --> 00:09:33,774
I don't care. Just wait
until they stick their heads
202
00:09:33,807 --> 00:09:36,710
in the ground
and then slit their throats.
203
00:09:36,744 --> 00:09:38,445
Hey, how'd you get that?
204
00:09:38,478 --> 00:09:40,547
(chuckles) My job?
205
00:09:40,580 --> 00:09:42,783
Well, I started
a fashion blog.
206
00:09:42,816 --> 00:09:45,385
Then Tavi Gevinson
retweeted me.
207
00:09:45,418 --> 00:09:48,288
Then I dressed Parker Posey
for the Good Wife premiere.
208
00:09:48,321 --> 00:09:50,390
Before I knew it,
I was a stylist.
209
00:09:50,423 --> 00:09:52,626
I love your jacket,
by the way.
Thanks.
210
00:09:52,660 --> 00:09:54,962
My trick is I just buy
a cheap jacket,
211
00:09:54,995 --> 00:09:56,396
replace the buttons
with doper ones,
212
00:09:56,429 --> 00:09:58,231
and tell everyone
I got it in Italy.
213
00:09:58,265 --> 00:10:00,400
But not Little Italy.
The big Italy.
214
00:10:00,433 --> 00:10:03,170
That's brilliant.
(laughs)
215
00:10:03,203 --> 00:10:05,305
I really like your
pocket square, too.
216
00:10:05,338 --> 00:10:07,074
Thanks.
Those are my panties.
217
00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:08,575
(laughs)
218
00:10:08,608 --> 00:10:10,443
LINDSAY:
I'm not joking.
219
00:10:16,183 --> 00:10:17,484
Hey. What's up with you?
220
00:10:17,517 --> 00:10:18,819
Hi, Gretchen.
221
00:10:18,852 --> 00:10:20,353
SAM: Got fired
as the best man.
222
00:10:20,387 --> 00:10:22,089
Not that I care.
223
00:10:22,122 --> 00:10:24,424
Group's turning into a
bunch of pussies anyway!
224
00:10:24,457 --> 00:10:26,326
Honey Nutz is getting
his knuckles waxed
225
00:10:26,359 --> 00:10:28,495
for his appearance
on Poker After Dark.
226
00:10:28,528 --> 00:10:30,497
Shitstain getting married
with no thought
227
00:10:30,530 --> 00:10:32,833
to how it will affect
our careers.
228
00:10:32,866 --> 00:10:35,602
I ain't trying to rap
about kids or poker!
229
00:10:35,635 --> 00:10:37,971
Ain't nothing rhyme
with "poker."
230
00:10:39,506 --> 00:10:41,541
So what are you gonna do?
231
00:10:41,574 --> 00:10:43,844
What can I do? He went and
changed his whole life,
232
00:10:43,877 --> 00:10:45,645
and I don't even
got a say in it.
233
00:10:45,679 --> 00:10:47,314
Hey, you guys
are a team.
234
00:10:47,347 --> 00:10:49,316
If you feel like you're
losing control of your future,
235
00:10:49,349 --> 00:10:50,784
just talk to him.
236
00:10:50,818 --> 00:10:53,821
Your actions
affect each other.
237
00:10:53,854 --> 00:10:56,023
Yeah.
238
00:10:56,056 --> 00:10:59,126
My actions do
affect each other.
239
00:10:59,159 --> 00:11:01,361
I don't like how you just
repeated that verbatim
240
00:11:01,394 --> 00:11:03,196
with a glint in your eye,
but, yeah,
241
00:11:03,230 --> 00:11:06,834
you got to take charge
of your... future.
242
00:11:06,867 --> 00:11:08,836
Now you have the
glint, too, bitch.
243
00:11:08,869 --> 00:11:11,371
Bitch, I ain't got
no glint!
244
00:11:11,404 --> 00:11:13,406
*
245
00:11:21,614 --> 00:11:23,817
Okay, how's this
for a sketch idea?
246
00:11:23,851 --> 00:11:25,919
A guy who takes
everything literally.
247
00:11:25,953 --> 00:11:28,555
That's kind of the first sketch
that everybody comes up with.
248
00:11:28,588 --> 00:11:29,923
That or 50-hour Energy.
249
00:11:29,957 --> 00:11:33,060
Oh, man.
That'd be so much energy.
250
00:11:33,093 --> 00:11:35,562
(laughs)
251
00:11:35,595 --> 00:11:38,732
Hey, look.
It's Brian Posehn.
252
00:11:38,766 --> 00:11:41,668
(chuckles) That is
not Brian Posehn.
253
00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:43,737
I took tickets for Brian
Posehn's one-man show,
254
00:11:43,771 --> 00:11:45,038
like, a decade ago.
255
00:11:45,072 --> 00:11:47,340
I used to party with
all those comics.
256
00:11:47,374 --> 00:11:49,676
The one thing I know
is who is who in comedy,
257
00:11:49,709 --> 00:11:51,912
and I know that that
is not Brian Posehn.
258
00:11:53,981 --> 00:11:55,715
Oh. I guess it is him.
259
00:11:55,749 --> 00:11:56,850
Haircut.
260
00:11:56,884 --> 00:11:58,351
I should go talk to him.
261
00:11:58,385 --> 00:12:00,387
Maybe I could bounce
some ideas off him.
262
00:12:03,490 --> 00:12:05,859
Excuse me. Champagne?
263
00:12:05,893 --> 00:12:07,294
Oh.
264
00:12:11,298 --> 00:12:13,767
I'll leave it in the bathroom
later under the soap.
265
00:12:13,801 --> 00:12:15,535
Soap. (sniffing)
266
00:12:15,568 --> 00:12:17,570
(R&B music playing)
267
00:12:24,611 --> 00:12:26,613
Excuse me,
where's the restroom?
268
00:12:29,783 --> 00:12:31,384
Can I help you?
269
00:12:31,418 --> 00:12:33,586
Yeah, um, uh, my boyfriend
270
00:12:33,620 --> 00:12:36,389
left his heart attack
medication in his coat.
271
00:12:36,423 --> 00:12:38,458
Ugh.
272
00:12:39,793 --> 00:12:42,129
Yeah, do you have
a claim ticket?
273
00:12:42,162 --> 00:12:44,164
Uh, no, but...
274
00:12:44,197 --> 00:12:46,834
I got this.
275
00:12:46,867 --> 00:12:48,601
Ignore the bruise.
276
00:12:48,635 --> 00:12:51,604
Yeah, I just needed a ticket
to know which coat to get.
277
00:12:51,638 --> 00:12:55,208
Oh, uh, yeah. It's the
really ugly bomber jacket.
278
00:13:04,885 --> 00:13:07,020
Goddamn it.
279
00:13:07,054 --> 00:13:08,822
(growls)
280
00:13:08,856 --> 00:13:11,324
Okay.
281
00:13:11,358 --> 00:13:13,426
(groans)
282
00:13:13,460 --> 00:13:15,462
Hi.
(yelps)
283
00:13:18,165 --> 00:13:20,533
(clicks tongue)
284
00:13:20,567 --> 00:13:23,136
Fine. Two can play at that game.
285
00:13:23,170 --> 00:13:24,872
Yeah, whatever
you say, Gr...
286
00:13:24,905 --> 00:13:26,473
What? Hang on.
What are you doing?
287
00:13:26,506 --> 00:13:29,542
Um, I'm making a pros
and cons list about you.
288
00:13:29,576 --> 00:13:31,811
No. No. You
can't do that.
289
00:13:31,845 --> 00:13:33,613
Pros and cons list
is my thing.
290
00:13:33,646 --> 00:13:36,649
Oh, another con:
possessiveness of ideas.
291
00:13:38,318 --> 00:13:40,020
Right.
292
00:13:40,053 --> 00:13:41,321
Hey.
293
00:13:43,323 --> 00:13:45,358
Just to balance it out.
294
00:13:45,392 --> 00:13:47,394
*
295
00:13:58,105 --> 00:14:00,307
Hey. Congratulations.
296
00:14:00,340 --> 00:14:03,977
Thanks. Yeah, my parents thought
25 was young to get married,
297
00:14:04,011 --> 00:14:06,546
but when you know
you found the one...
298
00:14:06,579 --> 00:14:09,549
25? Wow, that's...
that's a good age.
299
00:14:09,582 --> 00:14:10,884
Mm.
300
00:14:10,918 --> 00:14:13,386
I tested for Ugly Betty
when I was 25.
301
00:14:13,420 --> 00:14:16,056
Who's Ugly Betty?
302
00:14:16,089 --> 00:14:17,891
I'm gonna go.
303
00:14:19,893 --> 00:14:22,462
Uh, that's actually
just for the bride...
304
00:14:24,864 --> 00:14:27,567
Oh. Listen.
305
00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:30,503
It's only fair I warn you what
you're getting into with us.
306
00:14:30,537 --> 00:14:32,872
Our lifestyle
is straight bananas.
307
00:14:32,906 --> 00:14:36,009
Touring, staying out late,
living off gum and Code Red.
308
00:14:36,043 --> 00:14:38,011
It can be rough
on bitches.
309
00:14:38,045 --> 00:14:39,079
Bitches?
310
00:14:39,112 --> 00:14:41,114
Oh. (chuckles)
On women.
311
00:14:41,148 --> 00:14:43,183
Yes, Sam, I know.
Don't worry.
312
00:14:43,216 --> 00:14:45,452
I am very pragmatic.
313
00:14:45,485 --> 00:14:48,421
You have to maintain a
certain image for the fans.
314
00:14:48,455 --> 00:14:49,756
Nothing will change.
315
00:14:49,789 --> 00:14:52,125
Okay, good.
316
00:14:52,159 --> 00:14:54,561
At least until
we have a baby.
317
00:14:54,594 --> 00:14:57,197
But we aren't planning
on starting a family
318
00:14:57,230 --> 00:14:58,932
until at least a year.
319
00:14:58,966 --> 00:15:00,767
A baby?
320
00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:03,270
A human-ass baby?
321
00:15:03,303 --> 00:15:05,538
Oh, man.
322
00:15:05,572 --> 00:15:08,108
Seems like just yesterday
we were skating on Fairfax,
323
00:15:08,141 --> 00:15:11,111
stealing leftovers from Orthodox
Jews coming out of Canter's.
324
00:15:11,144 --> 00:15:13,913
Now everything's
getting so serious.
325
00:15:13,947 --> 00:15:17,217
Sam, things change.
326
00:15:17,250 --> 00:15:20,920
I know it's scary,
but... you'll be okay.
327
00:15:21,989 --> 00:15:24,124
What the hell?!
What?
328
00:15:24,157 --> 00:15:26,626
Ugh! I can't believe
he just did that.
329
00:15:26,659 --> 00:15:28,595
Ugh. Dale! Dale!
330
00:15:28,628 --> 00:15:30,263
Shitstain!
331
00:15:30,297 --> 00:15:31,264
What happened?
332
00:15:31,298 --> 00:15:32,832
Sam tried to kiss me!
333
00:15:32,865 --> 00:15:34,501
What the hell
is wrong with you?!
334
00:15:34,534 --> 00:15:37,604
I'm sorry! I'm
just highly upset!
335
00:15:37,637 --> 00:15:39,606
This is all happening so fast.
336
00:15:39,639 --> 00:15:42,442
First, you settling down.
And as soon as someone agrees
337
00:15:42,475 --> 00:15:45,012
to go on a date with Zachary,
you know he gonna grab on tight
338
00:15:45,045 --> 00:15:46,446
and never let go.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
339
00:15:46,479 --> 00:15:47,947
Are you talking about
someone specific?
340
00:15:47,981 --> 00:15:49,582
Because if someone
has expressed interest,
341
00:15:49,616 --> 00:15:51,251
I'm available.
Look, if you're afraid
342
00:15:51,284 --> 00:15:53,987
that this is going to affect
our work, it's not.
343
00:15:54,021 --> 00:15:55,822
We signed
our million-year pledge.
344
00:15:55,855 --> 00:15:57,657
It ain't the work.
345
00:15:57,690 --> 00:16:00,527
I'm just...
346
00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:04,431
I'm just afraid I'm
losing my best friends.
347
00:16:04,464 --> 00:16:09,369
Sam, you're never going
to lose me as a friend.
348
00:16:09,402 --> 00:16:13,506
Look, why don't you and Zachary
give the speech together.
349
00:16:13,540 --> 00:16:15,708
Both of you
are my best men.
350
00:16:15,742 --> 00:16:17,510
Always will be.
351
00:16:17,544 --> 00:16:19,446
All right, man.
352
00:16:19,479 --> 00:16:21,548
Let's go work
on that speech.
353
00:16:21,581 --> 00:16:23,383
I go first, obviously.
354
00:16:25,652 --> 00:16:28,021
You know you can't be friends
with him anymore, right?
355
00:16:28,055 --> 00:16:29,689
Yeah, yeah, I know.
356
00:16:29,722 --> 00:16:31,191
Hey.
357
00:16:31,224 --> 00:16:34,694
Okay, so far, I have "takes
up too much room in bed,"
358
00:16:34,727 --> 00:16:36,696
"eats pizza with a fork."
359
00:16:36,729 --> 00:16:38,065
So you're making a list
360
00:16:38,098 --> 00:16:39,666
of dumb little negative things
about him?
361
00:16:39,699 --> 00:16:41,701
Yeah.
362
00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:46,973
Is this the dude
that wore the bomber jacket?
363
00:16:47,006 --> 00:16:48,208
That feels like one.
364
00:16:48,241 --> 00:16:50,743
(gasps)
Yes. Thank you.
365
00:16:53,413 --> 00:16:55,382
Hey. Alex said
you were gonna put the coke
366
00:16:55,415 --> 00:16:56,983
in the bathroom, man.
It's not there.
367
00:16:57,016 --> 00:16:59,886
What? I left it
under the soap.
368
00:16:59,919 --> 00:17:01,654
Dude, I bet you
Alex took it.
369
00:17:01,688 --> 00:17:03,490
Look, I'm not sure I
want to get involved
370
00:17:03,523 --> 00:17:06,693
in this cereal restaurant
thing if we can't trust him.
371
00:17:06,726 --> 00:17:08,395
(sniffs)
372
00:17:10,397 --> 00:17:12,332
EDGAR:
So, the guy's, like...
373
00:17:12,365 --> 00:17:14,534
(sighs)
"The boss is up my butt,"
374
00:17:14,567 --> 00:17:17,270
and our hero-- taking
everything literally, right?--
375
00:17:17,304 --> 00:17:19,239
puts his mouth
to the guy's butt,
376
00:17:19,272 --> 00:17:21,574
and he's like, "Are you
in there, Mr. Hendrickson?
377
00:17:21,608 --> 00:17:23,042
I'll save ya."
378
00:17:23,076 --> 00:17:25,845
(laughs)
That's hilarious, man.
379
00:17:25,878 --> 00:17:28,081
Hey! Brian!
380
00:17:28,115 --> 00:17:30,183
So good to
see you again.
381
00:17:30,217 --> 00:17:32,719
I'm sorry.
Do I know you?
382
00:17:32,752 --> 00:17:34,254
Dorothy Durwood.
383
00:17:34,287 --> 00:17:36,089
We worked together
on your one-man show.
384
00:17:36,123 --> 00:17:37,457
I took tickets.
385
00:17:37,490 --> 00:17:39,426
Remember after that
one show at Birds,
386
00:17:39,459 --> 00:17:42,028
you dared me to eat an
entire rotisserie chicken
387
00:17:42,061 --> 00:17:43,763
and then I did?
388
00:17:43,796 --> 00:17:46,133
But then people kind of
felt sorry for me, and...
389
00:17:46,166 --> 00:17:47,967
it was kind of a
downer all told,
390
00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:50,137
and not ultimately
worth it, comedically.
391
00:17:50,170 --> 00:17:51,938
Right!
392
00:17:51,971 --> 00:17:53,206
Course.
393
00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:54,774
H-How's it going?
394
00:17:54,807 --> 00:17:56,309
(groans) Still
grinding away
395
00:17:56,343 --> 00:17:57,577
at the old improv.
396
00:17:57,610 --> 00:17:59,312
Been doing it, gosh,
like, a decade now.
397
00:17:59,346 --> 00:18:01,414
But, yeah, my boyfriend here,
he goes and does it
398
00:18:01,448 --> 00:18:04,083
for literally an hour
and gets a job, but...
399
00:18:04,117 --> 00:18:07,154
I've got chore monkey shifts,
so-- you know what that is?
400
00:18:07,187 --> 00:18:09,789
Someone literally pays you
just over minimum wage
401
00:18:09,822 --> 00:18:11,624
to clean out their fridge,
for an example,
402
00:18:11,658 --> 00:18:13,993
and, uh, if you're real lucky,
when you get there,
403
00:18:14,026 --> 00:18:15,662
it's your ex-boyfriend
from college.
404
00:18:15,695 --> 00:18:17,997
Hey, uh, how much
do I have to pay you
405
00:18:18,030 --> 00:18:19,732
to end this conversation?
(chuckles)
406
00:18:19,766 --> 00:18:21,268
(laughs)
407
00:18:21,301 --> 00:18:24,070
Uh, hey, why-why
don't I take you home?
408
00:18:24,103 --> 00:18:26,105
No. No, you're networking.
409
00:18:26,139 --> 00:18:27,340
Go network.
410
00:18:27,374 --> 00:18:29,642
D-Dorothy?
411
00:18:29,676 --> 00:18:32,245
That was rough. Sorry.
412
00:18:32,279 --> 00:18:34,781
Hey, uh, I found some
cocaine in the bathroom.
413
00:18:34,814 --> 00:18:36,349
Do you want some?
414
00:18:37,650 --> 00:18:39,051
Mm.
415
00:18:41,688 --> 00:18:43,856
PRISCILLA: (laughs)
You know, actually,
416
00:18:43,890 --> 00:18:46,092
I'm looking for an
assistant stylist.
417
00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:48,127
I've stylisted before!
418
00:18:48,161 --> 00:18:50,530
I-I dressed this rapper,
and we wrote a song
419
00:18:50,563 --> 00:18:53,633
and smoked a, um...
a professional job thingie.
420
00:18:53,666 --> 00:18:55,468
(both laugh)
421
00:18:55,502 --> 00:18:58,104
Well, I'd love to run through
a few questions with you.
422
00:18:58,137 --> 00:19:01,441
But you need to know that
there is travel required.
423
00:19:01,474 --> 00:19:03,843
You'd have to come
with me to Paris
424
00:19:03,876 --> 00:19:05,712
a couple of
times a year...
425
00:19:05,745 --> 00:19:07,447
(ringtone plays)
Oh. Sorry.
426
00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:09,148
Um, I'll be right back.
427
00:19:09,182 --> 00:19:10,817
Yeah.
428
00:19:10,850 --> 00:19:12,952
I don't know, you tell me:
429
00:19:12,985 --> 00:19:15,455
is an emu the same
thing as an ostrich?
430
00:19:15,488 --> 00:19:16,723
I'll wait.
431
00:19:16,756 --> 00:19:18,458
Can you believe this?
432
00:19:18,491 --> 00:19:20,159
Sweetie, I think
it's amazing
433
00:19:20,193 --> 00:19:22,295
that you want
to work, but...
434
00:19:22,329 --> 00:19:24,697
it's only ethical that you
tell her you're with child.
435
00:19:24,731 --> 00:19:26,733
Paul, this woman
dressed Porter Potty
436
00:19:26,766 --> 00:19:28,401
for The Good Li premiere
437
00:19:28,435 --> 00:19:30,370
after being retweeted
by Crabby Applepants.
438
00:19:30,403 --> 00:19:32,672
She likes me.
Let me handle this.
439
00:19:32,705 --> 00:19:34,741
PRISCILLA: (groans)
Sorry about that.
440
00:19:34,774 --> 00:19:37,644
Poachers can be
so unreliable.
441
00:19:37,677 --> 00:19:39,412
Anyway, tell me about you guys.
442
00:19:39,446 --> 00:19:41,748
Do you have any children?
Nope. (clears throat)
443
00:19:41,781 --> 00:19:43,316
(chuckles)
Um...
444
00:19:43,350 --> 00:19:45,151
well, that's not
entirely accurate.
445
00:19:45,184 --> 00:19:47,019
Do not take this
from me, Paul.
446
00:19:47,053 --> 00:19:49,356
It's entirely accurate.
(clears throat)
447
00:19:49,389 --> 00:19:52,425
Ma'am, despite my
wife's objections,
448
00:19:52,459 --> 00:19:54,994
I feel we have an
ethical obligation
449
00:19:55,027 --> 00:19:57,897
to inform you
of something.
450
00:19:57,930 --> 00:19:59,666
Lindsay's pregnant.
Oh?
451
00:19:59,699 --> 00:20:01,368
No, I'm not.
452
00:20:01,401 --> 00:20:04,237
(chuckles) Lindsay, I can't
let you mislead her.
453
00:20:04,271 --> 00:20:05,872
She's pregnant.
454
00:20:05,905 --> 00:20:08,841
No! I'm not pregnant, Paul.
There is no baby.
455
00:20:08,875 --> 00:20:10,710
I had an abortion.
(gasps)
456
00:20:10,743 --> 00:20:12,412
Lindsay, don't
lie to her.
457
00:20:12,445 --> 00:20:14,414
I'm not lying.
Gretchen drove me.
458
00:20:14,447 --> 00:20:16,683
There was a pie flight.
I talked to a sign lady.
459
00:20:16,716 --> 00:20:18,785
I did that.
Yeah. Hmm?
460
00:20:18,818 --> 00:20:20,887
Also, I'm leaving you.
(groans)
461
00:20:22,289 --> 00:20:24,757
So this is
the b Paris, right?
462
00:20:24,791 --> 00:20:26,893
The one with the bread?
463
00:20:26,926 --> 00:20:28,361
Uh...
464
00:20:28,395 --> 00:20:30,797
you guys seem like
you need some time alone.
465
00:20:30,830 --> 00:20:33,433
Why don't you call me
when you...
466
00:20:33,466 --> 00:20:35,602
figure all this out.
467
00:20:38,571 --> 00:20:40,773
Paul, are you okay?
468
00:20:41,974 --> 00:20:44,411
(soft, trembling breaths)
469
00:20:54,521 --> 00:20:56,623
I am allowed
to reassess my life.
470
00:20:56,656 --> 00:20:58,391
You have no say in it.
471
00:20:58,425 --> 00:21:00,226
So I'm just supposed
to wait around
472
00:21:00,259 --> 00:21:02,228
until you think I'm worthy
of being your girlfriend?
473
00:21:02,261 --> 00:21:03,830
That's bullshit, dude.
474
00:21:03,863 --> 00:21:06,499
Just tell me one of the
things on your list.
475
00:21:06,533 --> 00:21:09,302
Okay, fine. But only if
you tell me one of yours.
476
00:21:09,336 --> 00:21:11,304
(scoffs) Fine.
477
00:21:11,338 --> 00:21:14,073
(sighs):
Okay.
478
00:21:14,106 --> 00:21:16,443
"I can't see
having kids with her."
479
00:21:18,445 --> 00:21:20,212
Your turn.
480
00:21:24,651 --> 00:21:27,253
I'm afraid you'll
never be successful.
481
00:21:27,286 --> 00:21:30,022
All right, everybody,
quiet down. Quiet down.
482
00:21:30,056 --> 00:21:32,024
I'm Sam.
This is my boy Zachary.
483
00:21:32,058 --> 00:21:34,327
Now, we know why
we're here today.
484
00:21:34,361 --> 00:21:36,463
Dale and Jaclyn
went and eloped,
485
00:21:36,496 --> 00:21:38,865
because they were too cheap
to throw a proper wedding.
486
00:21:38,898 --> 00:21:40,633
(laughter)
487
00:21:40,667 --> 00:21:43,803
"Two people haven't
gotten married that fast
488
00:21:43,836 --> 00:21:47,707
since Immigration came
for my mom's gardener."
489
00:21:47,740 --> 00:21:49,442
(woman coughs quietly)
490
00:21:49,476 --> 00:21:51,644
It's true that this
courtship was kind of quick,
491
00:21:51,678 --> 00:21:53,346
but the thing is,
492
00:21:53,380 --> 00:21:56,783
when your shadow looks like
a broomstick with an afro,
493
00:21:56,816 --> 00:21:59,486
you lock down the first girl
that lets you touch her titties!
494
00:21:59,519 --> 00:22:01,053
(laughter)
495
00:22:01,087 --> 00:22:04,123
"This-this dude is so ugly...
496
00:22:04,156 --> 00:22:06,058
"his dad left his family
497
00:22:06,092 --> 00:22:08,728
and ask to go to jail."
498
00:22:08,761 --> 00:22:10,497
(chuckles)
499
00:22:10,530 --> 00:22:11,998
(man clears throat)
500
00:22:12,031 --> 00:22:14,467
(microphone feedback hums)
All joking aside,
501
00:22:14,501 --> 00:22:18,070
it may seem like they ain't
been dating that long,
502
00:22:18,104 --> 00:22:20,573
but when it's the person
you're meant to be with,
503
00:22:20,607 --> 00:22:22,642
you know right away.
(people aahing)
504
00:22:22,675 --> 00:22:24,577
And as you get
to know them,
505
00:22:24,611 --> 00:22:27,747
you only grow to
love them more.
506
00:22:27,780 --> 00:22:29,782
(whispers)
507
00:22:31,718 --> 00:22:33,152
Hey...
508
00:22:33,185 --> 00:22:36,188
uh, "Even if
it doesn't work out,
509
00:22:36,222 --> 00:22:40,560
we all got some wack-ass
ceviche out of it, right?"
510
00:22:40,593 --> 00:22:43,362
(laughter)
Ha! Ha-ha!
511
00:22:45,432 --> 00:22:46,433
Oh.
512
00:22:46,466 --> 00:22:47,734
(guitar playing mellow intro)
513
00:22:47,767 --> 00:22:49,769
Sorry about that kiss thing.
I apologize.
514
00:22:53,940 --> 00:22:56,776
I know he stole it.
He's the one.
515
00:22:56,809 --> 00:22:58,811
*
516
00:23:06,152 --> 00:23:10,457
* So go and drag your shadow
517
00:23:10,490 --> 00:23:13,292
* Back up the street
518
00:23:17,396 --> 00:23:21,067
* 'Cause Lord knows
I don't want it *
519
00:23:21,100 --> 00:23:23,903
* Following me
520
00:23:36,849 --> 00:23:39,586
* So you and your heartbreak
521
00:23:39,619 --> 00:23:42,221
* And all of the mistakes
522
00:23:42,254 --> 00:23:45,091
* Are always there...
523
00:23:45,124 --> 00:23:47,594
Oh. Right.
524
00:23:47,627 --> 00:23:49,896
* You got some heartache
525
00:23:49,929 --> 00:23:52,131
* Come meet all my mistakes
526
00:23:52,164 --> 00:23:55,001
* And we'll always be there
527
00:23:55,034 --> 00:23:57,069
* They're always there
528
00:23:57,103 --> 00:23:59,939
* So you and your heartbreak
529
00:23:59,972 --> 00:24:02,408
* And all of the mistakes
530
00:24:02,441 --> 00:24:05,177
* Are always there
531
00:24:05,211 --> 00:24:07,814
* They're always there
532
00:24:07,847 --> 00:24:10,116
* I've got some heartache
533
00:24:10,149 --> 00:24:12,652
* Come meet all my mistakes
534
00:24:12,685 --> 00:24:15,021
* And we'll always be there
535
00:24:15,054 --> 00:24:18,024
* They're always there
536
00:24:20,359 --> 00:24:22,695
* So I don't know
537
00:24:22,729 --> 00:24:26,465
* Why I feel so
538
00:24:26,499 --> 00:24:28,134
* Alone
539
00:24:28,167 --> 00:24:30,469
* Oh, oh, oh, oh
540
00:24:30,503 --> 00:24:33,472
* Oh, yeah, I don't know why
541
00:24:33,506 --> 00:24:35,808
* I feel so
542
00:24:35,842 --> 00:24:39,712
* Alone...
543
00:24:41,480 --> 00:24:43,983
* Oh, I don't know why
544
00:24:44,016 --> 00:24:45,985
* I feel so
545
00:24:46,018 --> 00:24:48,988
* Alone
546
00:24:49,021 --> 00:24:51,023
* Oh, oh, oh, oh
547
00:24:51,057 --> 00:24:53,359
* Oh, yeah, I don't know
548
00:24:53,392 --> 00:24:57,363
* Why I feel so alone.
549
00:25:01,500 --> 00:25:04,503
(dog barks)
550
00:25:07,439 --> 00:25:10,442
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
38448
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