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1
00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:04,872
* I wanted out again
2
00:00:04,905 --> 00:00:08,542
* Wanted you, so fun
3
00:00:08,576 --> 00:00:09,977
* But I did...
4
00:00:10,010 --> 00:00:11,312
So you remember Jimmy,
5
00:00:11,345 --> 00:00:13,013
right?
Oh, my God. Gretchen.
6
00:00:13,047 --> 00:00:15,516
Tough titties,
it's a free country.
7
00:00:15,549 --> 00:00:17,718
Anyway, I have to have this
really sucky conversation
8
00:00:17,751 --> 00:00:19,687
with him and I don't
want to at all.
9
00:00:19,720 --> 00:00:21,222
Your appointment
isn't until next week.
10
00:00:21,255 --> 00:00:23,057
You cannot just show up places.
Well then,
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00:00:23,091 --> 00:00:25,659
stop Foursquaring yourself
every time you leave the house,
12
00:00:25,693 --> 00:00:28,096
like the Mayor of
Thirsty Town. Also,
13
00:00:28,129 --> 00:00:30,431
stop using Foursquare
like the Mayor of 2011.
14
00:00:30,464 --> 00:00:33,000
Okay. So you need something
from Jimmy.
15
00:00:33,033 --> 00:00:35,536
Yeah. I need his dad
to have seen a cardiologist.
16
00:00:35,569 --> 00:00:36,537
Ha-ha, snap.
17
00:00:36,570 --> 00:00:38,706
He died?
18
00:00:38,739 --> 00:00:40,007
I'm so sorry. When?
Okay.
19
00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:41,109
So here's the part where
20
00:00:41,142 --> 00:00:42,676
you feel like total dog shit.
21
00:00:42,710 --> 00:00:44,945
Remember you made me
open my mail?
22
00:00:44,978 --> 00:00:46,714
Well I did.
And boom.
23
00:00:46,747 --> 00:00:49,049
There's his dad's obit.
And I'm like,
24
00:00:49,083 --> 00:00:51,719
"Well, shit!
How am I supposed to tell him?"
25
00:00:51,752 --> 00:00:53,954
So how am I supposed
to tell him?
26
00:00:53,987 --> 00:00:57,191
You haven't told him?
No! Ew!
I couldn't!
27
00:00:57,225 --> 00:01:00,027
He was so stoked
about selling his book.
28
00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:02,530
And then I got busy and forgot
for a couple days.
29
00:01:02,563 --> 00:01:04,232
But then, I was gonna tell him,
30
00:01:04,265 --> 00:01:07,735
and I got preoccupied by this
iguana on Instagram
31
00:01:07,768 --> 00:01:10,604
(chuckling):
who is just so over it.
32
00:01:12,072 --> 00:01:14,875
It's gonna suck so bad.
33
00:01:14,908 --> 00:01:16,277
I get it. It's tough.
34
00:01:16,310 --> 00:01:18,446
The idea of seeing
Jimmy in pain...
35
00:01:18,479 --> 00:01:21,582
Jimmy?
No, this is gonna suck for me.
36
00:01:21,615 --> 00:01:22,816
We've been having
hella fun lately.
37
00:01:22,850 --> 00:01:24,785
Boning like crazy.
38
00:01:24,818 --> 00:01:26,487
(chuckles) I tricked him
into giving me backrubs,
39
00:01:26,520 --> 00:01:28,156
saying that it made me horny.
40
00:01:28,189 --> 00:01:30,758
Jokes on you, dummy.
I'm horny already.
41
00:01:30,791 --> 00:01:33,894
Here's an idea: what if
I just never tell him?
I-I don't like
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00:01:33,927 --> 00:01:36,330
to tell my patients what to do,
but Jesus Christ, you have to
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00:01:36,364 --> 00:01:39,400
tell Jimmy his father died.
What if he cries,
44
00:01:39,433 --> 00:01:41,435
and I see
the sad little boy inside?
45
00:01:41,469 --> 00:01:43,103
I don't want to tell him.
46
00:01:43,137 --> 00:01:44,338
I know. And I've met Jimmy--
47
00:01:44,372 --> 00:01:47,308
that sounds disgusting--
but you have to.
48
00:01:48,342 --> 00:01:49,943
(sighs)
49
00:01:49,977 --> 00:01:51,845
Fine.
50
00:01:51,879 --> 00:01:54,715
I suppose you want me
to pay you now.
51
00:01:57,117 --> 00:01:59,387
Ugh, you owe me a five spot.
52
00:02:00,454 --> 00:02:02,990
*
53
00:02:07,961 --> 00:02:10,698
* I'm gonna leave you anyway
54
00:02:10,731 --> 00:02:13,501
* I'm gonna leave you
anyway *
55
00:02:13,534 --> 00:02:16,837
* Gonna leave you anyway.
56
00:02:20,674 --> 00:02:22,710
Right. Remember,
57
00:02:22,743 --> 00:02:25,446
the look we're going
for is jocund but...
58
00:02:25,479 --> 00:02:26,814
profoundly tormented.
Okay?
59
00:02:28,148 --> 00:02:29,283
Uh, what's going on, Jimbo?
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00:02:29,317 --> 00:02:32,019
Jacket photo. It's a bit early.
61
00:02:32,052 --> 00:02:33,387
But I'm planning on
going full D'Onofrio
62
00:02:33,421 --> 00:02:34,855
once the advance
money comes in.
63
00:02:34,888 --> 00:02:37,057
Can you take a little break?
64
00:02:37,090 --> 00:02:40,194
God, no, woman!
There's too much to do.
65
00:02:40,228 --> 00:02:42,496
Now that the starting gun on
the Grand Prix has sounded,
66
00:02:42,530 --> 00:02:45,132
the instant that I take my foot
off the proverbial gas
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00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:47,801
to celebrate, shall materialize
five other writers
68
00:02:47,835 --> 00:02:49,803
in my side mirror
just ready to pass me
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00:02:49,837 --> 00:02:51,805
on the Autobahn that is
the publishing industry...
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00:02:51,839 --> 00:02:55,209
to clumsily mix European
race car metaphors.
71
00:02:55,243 --> 00:02:56,910
As a veteran
writer girlfriend now,
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00:02:56,944 --> 00:02:58,145
you know that the work
73
00:02:58,178 --> 00:03:00,047
is never-ending.
But you spent the last
74
00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:01,715
few months drinking
and jerking it
75
00:03:01,749 --> 00:03:02,716
to the Lane Bryant
shoe catalog.
76
00:03:02,750 --> 00:03:05,886
If I have to explain this
one more time:
77
00:03:05,919 --> 00:03:08,222
it's all writing.
78
00:03:08,256 --> 00:03:10,558
Um, I'll be quick.
(groans)
79
00:03:10,591 --> 00:03:13,160
Listen, Jimmy...
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00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:14,428
No, I'm sorry. Look,
81
00:03:14,462 --> 00:03:16,664
this is gonna be a
very long, arduous--
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00:03:16,697 --> 00:03:19,333
yet certainly rewarding--
journey for you,
83
00:03:19,367 --> 00:03:21,835
at my side, so before
the madness begins,
84
00:03:21,869 --> 00:03:24,472
as a pre-ward, I want to take
you on a restorative trip.
85
00:03:25,906 --> 00:03:27,608
Like a cruise?
86
00:03:27,641 --> 00:03:29,677
Can we go on a cruise?
87
00:03:29,710 --> 00:03:32,012
Um...
That's my dream vacation!
88
00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:34,748
My parents always thought
it was tacky.
89
00:03:34,782 --> 00:03:37,184
Okay. Well, if your
idea of paradise
90
00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:39,753
is succumbing to Norovirus
on a floating red state,
91
00:03:39,787 --> 00:03:41,289
then sure!
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00:03:41,322 --> 00:03:42,456
(screams)
93
00:03:42,490 --> 00:03:44,091
(laughs)
There-there's
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00:03:44,124 --> 00:03:46,427
a water slide
and-and a musical revue
95
00:03:46,460 --> 00:03:49,129
and if the grown-ups
are busy gambling,
96
00:03:49,162 --> 00:03:51,198
you hang out with
the other kids and just color!
97
00:03:51,231 --> 00:03:54,067
Okay, I need to get back to my
shoot. I have a liquid brunch
98
00:03:54,101 --> 00:03:56,537
with my editor, so we can
plan marketing strategies.
99
00:03:56,570 --> 00:03:58,238
Sounds fun!
100
00:03:58,272 --> 00:03:59,640
Gretchen.
101
00:03:59,673 --> 00:04:02,109
Every mimosa
is a chore.
102
00:04:02,142 --> 00:04:05,713
Okay? Every sip is a brick
in a literary wall
103
00:04:05,746 --> 00:04:08,148
that I'm painting...
Got it.
Yay! Cruise!
104
00:04:08,181 --> 00:04:10,651
Okay, back to work.
Props.
105
00:04:10,684 --> 00:04:12,686
*
106
00:04:23,497 --> 00:04:25,433
Ooh, you hungry?
107
00:04:25,466 --> 00:04:27,301
I could eat.
108
00:04:30,771 --> 00:04:34,342
P.A.: May I help you?
BOTH:
We're with the network.
109
00:04:35,376 --> 00:04:36,677
So, how's your gimpy husband?
110
00:04:36,710 --> 00:04:38,946
Poor Paul.
He's off the couch,
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00:04:38,979 --> 00:04:41,749
but his wound keeps getting
reinfected somehow.
112
00:04:41,782 --> 00:04:43,183
I poked around there
113
00:04:43,216 --> 00:04:45,953
with my fingers,
and couldn't find anything.
114
00:04:45,986 --> 00:04:48,288
I feel guilty because
of how much he suffered.
115
00:04:48,322 --> 00:04:50,190
And because you
stabbed him on purpose.
116
00:04:50,223 --> 00:04:52,360
I didn't want to kill him,
I just snapped.
117
00:04:54,161 --> 00:04:56,296
Oops...
I knew it.
118
00:04:56,330 --> 00:04:59,099
Lindser! Oh, my God,
I thought I was scared of you
119
00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:00,934
that time you yelled
at that cop in Tijuana.
120
00:05:00,968 --> 00:05:03,537
You should be scared.
121
00:05:03,571 --> 00:05:05,673
And it was so easy.
122
00:05:05,706 --> 00:05:07,975
I was just like...
123
00:05:09,076 --> 00:05:10,310
Poking some cheese.
124
00:05:11,879 --> 00:05:13,347
Poking some cheese?
125
00:05:13,381 --> 00:05:16,016
It's spooky. Afterwards,
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00:05:16,049 --> 00:05:18,118
I kept telling myself
I didn't do it,
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00:05:18,151 --> 00:05:19,953
until I actually
believed it.
128
00:05:19,987 --> 00:05:22,055
Like how Oprah can
eat bread now.
129
00:05:22,089 --> 00:05:23,357
You don't love Paul.
130
00:05:23,391 --> 00:05:26,894
That was true for Old Lindsay.
131
00:05:26,927 --> 00:05:30,798
New Lindsay can put
any thought in her brain.
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00:05:30,831 --> 00:05:33,634
(gasps) Like that upside down
movie with Juno and the dreidel
133
00:05:33,667 --> 00:05:35,736
and Tom Hardy
with the tight pants.
(groans)
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00:05:35,769 --> 00:05:37,971
If I can incept
135
00:05:38,005 --> 00:05:41,409
myself I didn't stab Paul...
136
00:05:41,442 --> 00:05:44,578
maybe I can incept myself
into loving him.
137
00:05:44,612 --> 00:05:47,748
How are things
with the Jim-dogs?
138
00:05:47,781 --> 00:05:51,351
Oh, suck-balls.
His pops croaked.
Yawn.
139
00:05:51,385 --> 00:05:54,855
So what's the probs?
I haven't told him yet.
140
00:05:54,888 --> 00:05:57,558
And now my therapist
is making me.
You can't tell him, Gretch!
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00:05:57,591 --> 00:06:01,094
The second those words
come out of your mouth,
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00:06:01,128 --> 00:06:02,830
you are no longer
Jimmy's fun sex hole.
143
00:06:02,863 --> 00:06:04,665
You're the guys
at the beginning
144
00:06:04,698 --> 00:06:07,401
of Saving Private Ryan who
make the moms fall down.
145
00:06:07,435 --> 00:06:08,769
You're right!
146
00:06:08,802 --> 00:06:10,370
That titty-sucking bitch
is trying to
147
00:06:10,404 --> 00:06:12,873
straight "Lemonade"
my relationship.
148
00:06:12,906 --> 00:06:15,409
What do I do?
Get some
149
00:06:15,443 --> 00:06:17,578
other sucker to tell him.
150
00:06:17,611 --> 00:06:20,681
(excited chatter in distance)
Colby! Travis!
151
00:06:20,714 --> 00:06:23,784
You two know
the policy on roughhousing.
152
00:06:23,817 --> 00:06:26,954
I don't care if
you are best friends.
153
00:06:26,987 --> 00:06:29,222
Ten more minutes
and I'm coming in there!
154
00:06:31,058 --> 00:06:33,393
As I was saying,
we've got a killer special.
155
00:06:33,427 --> 00:06:36,964
$49 for three yoga sessions,
or three Pilates sessions.
156
00:06:36,997 --> 00:06:39,266
We also have a
cutting-edge new lineup
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00:06:39,299 --> 00:06:42,069
of the hottest new hybrid
workouts. Piloxing:
158
00:06:42,102 --> 00:06:44,738
Pilates and boxing, yogitsu:
159
00:06:44,772 --> 00:06:46,273
yoga and jujitsu,
160
00:06:46,306 --> 00:06:48,742
spowing: spinning
and rowing,
161
00:06:48,776 --> 00:06:50,878
Zustified: that's
Zumba while you
162
00:06:50,911 --> 00:06:53,380
binge-watch Justified,
it's actually not really...
Edgar, shut up.
163
00:06:53,413 --> 00:06:57,585
We need to tell you a secret.
No, no, no, no, no.
I-I don't want any secrets.
164
00:06:58,519 --> 00:07:00,454
You love secrets.
165
00:07:00,488 --> 00:07:02,990
Secrets are your favorite thing.
166
00:07:03,023 --> 00:07:04,892
No, this is a really
bad time, okay?
167
00:07:04,925 --> 00:07:06,927
I've been stuck with processing
some events, like the time
168
00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:08,596
we got pinned down
outside of Tikrit
169
00:07:08,629 --> 00:07:11,665
and we had to improvise body
armor with tank shrapnel.
170
00:07:11,699 --> 00:07:14,568
That's not so bad.
Or like the time I was
so thirsty I shot a camel.
171
00:07:14,602 --> 00:07:15,669
'Cause the humps
have water in them?
Because you thought there was
172
00:07:15,703 --> 00:07:17,571
water in the humps?
Yeah.
173
00:07:17,605 --> 00:07:20,508
Turns out they don't work
like that. Anyway, seriously,
174
00:07:20,541 --> 00:07:23,343
I-I don't have any room in my
head for any more dark...
175
00:07:23,376 --> 00:07:25,913
Jimmy's dad died
and he doesn't know.
176
00:07:25,946 --> 00:07:26,980
Jimmy's dad what?
177
00:07:27,948 --> 00:07:30,117
Oh, God.
178
00:07:30,150 --> 00:07:33,487
Poor Ronny, poor
Jimmy, poor camel.
179
00:07:33,521 --> 00:07:34,788
Poor Bing Bong.
180
00:07:34,822 --> 00:07:36,657
Everything's bad,
you guys.
181
00:07:36,690 --> 00:07:38,091
Everything's really, really bad.
182
00:07:38,125 --> 00:07:39,860
So you'll tell him, yeah?
Thanks.
No,
183
00:07:39,893 --> 00:07:41,194
no, no way! I...
184
00:07:41,228 --> 00:07:42,663
I told
enough people
185
00:07:42,696 --> 00:07:44,532
that someone
that they love died.
186
00:07:44,565 --> 00:07:46,433
(gasps)
I have an idea.
187
00:07:46,466 --> 00:07:49,703
When my parents got divorced,
they told us at Benihana's
188
00:07:49,737 --> 00:07:51,104
so we wouldn't cause a scene.
189
00:07:51,138 --> 00:07:52,940
The chef put a shrimp
in his hat.
190
00:07:52,973 --> 00:07:55,609
How'd that work?
He just put a shrimp
in his hat.
191
00:07:55,643 --> 00:07:57,978
No, I mean,
telling you in public.
192
00:07:58,011 --> 00:08:01,314
Oh. It totally made us
not freak out as much.
193
00:08:01,348 --> 00:08:04,217
Except later, I drank my mom's
mai tai and climbed on the table
194
00:08:04,251 --> 00:08:05,686
'cause I forgot it was a grill.
195
00:08:05,719 --> 00:08:07,154
That's why I don't have
footprints.
196
00:08:07,187 --> 00:08:08,121
(slurping)
197
00:08:08,155 --> 00:08:09,557
GRETCHEN:
Okay.
198
00:08:09,590 --> 00:08:12,159
So, maybe I invite
a bunch of people over,
199
00:08:12,192 --> 00:08:13,894
and then everyone
tells him together.
200
00:08:13,927 --> 00:08:15,963
And then he associates
the sadness
201
00:08:15,996 --> 00:08:17,665
with you jerks,
and not with me.
202
00:08:17,698 --> 00:08:19,399
That suddenly
sounds bad for us.
203
00:08:19,432 --> 00:08:20,901
I got to go, you guys.
204
00:08:20,934 --> 00:08:23,470
I'm late teaching
Treadsparent.
205
00:08:23,503 --> 00:08:25,873
It's running on a treadmill
while you watch...
206
00:08:25,906 --> 00:08:27,908
We get it.
207
00:08:37,384 --> 00:08:39,419
(grunting)
208
00:08:41,555 --> 00:08:44,191
These hand crutches
were all Lindsay could find
209
00:08:44,224 --> 00:08:45,926
at the medical supply.
210
00:08:45,959 --> 00:08:47,561
I don't like that place.
211
00:08:47,595 --> 00:08:49,029
So many weird toilets.
212
00:08:49,062 --> 00:08:50,497
Mmm.
213
00:08:50,530 --> 00:08:52,600
I love sneaking an extra
dessert, don't you?
214
00:08:52,633 --> 00:08:54,702
One's for me,
one's for my baby.
215
00:08:54,735 --> 00:08:57,771
I'm not giving
my dessert to your baby.
216
00:08:57,805 --> 00:08:59,840
Oh, right,
you meant my baby.
217
00:08:59,873 --> 00:09:01,041
That's right,
I'm still pregnant.
218
00:09:01,074 --> 00:09:02,943
Check it out.
219
00:09:02,976 --> 00:09:04,878
Looks like a normal vest
with a ton of pockets, right?
220
00:09:04,912 --> 00:09:06,479
Wrong.
221
00:09:07,648 --> 00:09:09,049
Harmonica vest.
222
00:09:09,082 --> 00:09:11,051
Ever since I Venmo'd
a year's salary
223
00:09:11,084 --> 00:09:12,519
to some chick in the Ukraine,
224
00:09:12,552 --> 00:09:15,322
I can only have hobbies
that cost less than $25.
225
00:09:17,891 --> 00:09:19,292
Hell yeah!
226
00:09:20,594 --> 00:09:21,795
GRETCHEN:
Hey, everybody.
227
00:09:21,829 --> 00:09:23,430
Uh, thank you so much
228
00:09:23,463 --> 00:09:26,466
for coming to Jimmy's
surprise/congratulations-
229
00:09:26,499 --> 00:09:27,968
you-sold-the-book party.
230
00:09:28,001 --> 00:09:30,237
Um, small change
of plans, though.
231
00:09:30,270 --> 00:09:32,572
Jimmy's dad passed away.
232
00:09:32,606 --> 00:09:34,975
(all gasp)
233
00:09:35,008 --> 00:09:36,543
What a major tradge, but...
234
00:09:36,576 --> 00:09:39,112
happens every day
on my operating table.
235
00:09:39,146 --> 00:09:41,949
Someone dies every day
on your operating table?
236
00:09:41,982 --> 00:09:44,652
Not literally every day, dummy.
On average.
237
00:09:44,685 --> 00:09:45,786
Our condolences, Gretchen.
238
00:09:45,819 --> 00:09:47,888
We should let you two
grieve in private.
239
00:09:47,921 --> 00:09:49,056
GRETCHEN:
Oh, no, no, no, no!
240
00:09:49,089 --> 00:09:50,257
Stay.
241
00:09:50,290 --> 00:09:51,759
Um, in fact...
242
00:09:51,792 --> 00:09:54,394
Wait, crazy idea.
243
00:09:54,427 --> 00:09:56,063
Um, why don't
we tell him together?
244
00:09:56,096 --> 00:09:58,431
He doesn't know?
245
00:09:58,465 --> 00:09:59,667
Well, it happened in England.
246
00:09:59,700 --> 00:10:01,401
And there's
a time difference, so...
247
00:10:01,434 --> 00:10:04,137
Yeah, uh, so,
when he comes home,
248
00:10:04,171 --> 00:10:06,640
I'll give the signal,
you guys drop the bomb,
249
00:10:06,674 --> 00:10:08,308
and boom--
it's your fault.
250
00:10:08,341 --> 00:10:09,843
Thanks so much
for doing this.
251
00:10:09,877 --> 00:10:11,311
Eat cheese, have fun.
252
00:10:12,980 --> 00:10:13,981
(harmonica playing)
253
00:10:14,014 --> 00:10:16,516
Can you imagine?
254
00:10:16,549 --> 00:10:18,752
He was almost
my father-in-law.
255
00:10:18,786 --> 00:10:21,755
Of course, I'm much closer to
the whole thing now that I'm
256
00:10:21,789 --> 00:10:24,091
going to have a daughter.
257
00:10:24,124 --> 00:10:26,593
That's right.
258
00:10:26,626 --> 00:10:27,761
We're having a girl.
259
00:10:27,795 --> 00:10:28,862
Aah!
260
00:10:28,896 --> 00:10:30,130
Isn't that amazing?
261
00:10:30,163 --> 00:10:32,165
Can't you just die
how cute
262
00:10:32,199 --> 00:10:33,600
we're gonna be together?
Mm.
263
00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:34,668
Of course, it's such a shame
264
00:10:34,702 --> 00:10:36,336
that our gender-reveal party
265
00:10:36,369 --> 00:10:38,338
was spoiled when
those North Korean hackers
266
00:10:38,371 --> 00:10:39,773
stole Vernon's identity.
267
00:10:39,807 --> 00:10:43,143
Becca, we all know
Vernon was a money-slave.
268
00:10:43,176 --> 00:10:44,978
What?
No, no, no.
269
00:10:45,012 --> 00:10:47,214
No, that was just
a story he told,
270
00:10:47,247 --> 00:10:49,016
because he was
embarrassed.
271
00:10:49,049 --> 00:10:50,650
Bad passwords.
272
00:10:50,684 --> 00:10:52,019
Poor Jimmy.
273
00:10:52,052 --> 00:10:53,120
I lost my dad, too.
274
00:10:53,153 --> 00:10:54,654
Your dad died?
No.
275
00:10:54,688 --> 00:10:56,356
I just lost him.
276
00:10:56,389 --> 00:10:58,625
Last week, we were
at the Beverly Center and
277
00:10:58,658 --> 00:11:01,494
he told me to go look at puppies
while he went to Sunglass Hut.
278
00:11:01,528 --> 00:11:04,031
I think we both knew
what was about to happen.
279
00:11:04,064 --> 00:11:06,166
Oh, no.
So, I've been
280
00:11:06,199 --> 00:11:08,068
living alone,
sleeping in his bed.
281
00:11:08,101 --> 00:11:10,904
I'm not ready
to be an adult.
282
00:11:10,938 --> 00:11:15,208
Contemplate the sundry ways
a society handles its elderly
283
00:11:15,242 --> 00:11:16,910
and infirm.
For instance,
284
00:11:16,944 --> 00:11:18,645
the noble Eskimo
sets himself adrift
285
00:11:18,678 --> 00:11:20,647
on an iceberg.
286
00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:22,582
Mm, he's
so smart.
287
00:11:22,615 --> 00:11:26,219
You love this smart,
smart man.
288
00:11:26,253 --> 00:11:28,756
You love his jiggly body
289
00:11:28,789 --> 00:11:30,557
and square face.
290
00:11:30,590 --> 00:11:31,658
You really do.
291
00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:32,692
GRETCHEN:
He's here!
292
00:11:32,726 --> 00:11:34,361
Get ready.
293
00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:41,434
Gretchen, that brunch
was a nightmare.
294
00:11:41,468 --> 00:11:43,270
The publisher just
kept telling me,
295
00:11:43,303 --> 00:11:44,872
"When I write the book..."
296
00:11:44,905 --> 00:11:47,540
Plus the "bottomless"
in "bottomless mimosas"
297
00:11:47,574 --> 00:11:50,010
means nothing
if the waitress disappears
298
00:11:50,043 --> 00:11:51,344
for ten minutes at a time.
299
00:11:51,378 --> 00:11:52,712
Jimmy, look who's here.
300
00:11:52,746 --> 00:11:54,347
Huh.
301
00:11:54,381 --> 00:11:55,682
You invited people over.
302
00:11:55,715 --> 00:11:56,683
Is it Oscar night?
303
00:11:56,716 --> 00:11:58,118
Well, keep it down.
304
00:11:58,151 --> 00:12:00,253
I, of course, must handcuff
myself to my laptop
305
00:12:00,287 --> 00:12:01,554
until my book is written.
306
00:12:01,588 --> 00:12:03,290
Good-bye, all.
See you in the spring.
307
00:12:03,323 --> 00:12:05,092
Wait, Jimmy, uh...
308
00:12:05,125 --> 00:12:06,126
Just stay a moment.
309
00:12:06,159 --> 00:12:08,161
Um, everyone's here for you.
310
00:12:09,729 --> 00:12:12,232
You're here to
celebrate my book sale.
311
00:12:12,265 --> 00:12:14,234
Well, it would be
positively unsporting
312
00:12:14,267 --> 00:12:16,036
of me to deny you
the pleasure
313
00:12:16,069 --> 00:12:17,704
of basking in my success,
even though
314
00:12:17,737 --> 00:12:19,139
nothing good
happened to you.
315
00:12:19,172 --> 00:12:22,609
I never understood
that impulse, really.
316
00:12:22,642 --> 00:12:26,079
Though we do tend to
gather around a fire.
317
00:12:26,113 --> 00:12:28,281
No, Jimmy,
you don't understand, um--
318
00:12:28,315 --> 00:12:30,150
Hey, everybody, could we, um...
And, Gretchen,
319
00:12:30,183 --> 00:12:31,418
my partner in crime,
320
00:12:31,451 --> 00:12:32,953
the diminutive,
mole-lipped
321
00:12:32,986 --> 00:12:35,956
Lillian Hellman to
my Dashiell Hammett.
322
00:12:35,989 --> 00:12:38,625
You have been
so supportive.
323
00:12:38,658 --> 00:12:41,294
No problem. Uh, the people would
like to tell you something.
324
00:12:41,328 --> 00:12:42,896
So, I was gonna
surprise you.
325
00:12:42,930 --> 00:12:45,265
But I did some research.
326
00:12:45,298 --> 00:12:46,633
And I think
I found the perfect
327
00:12:46,666 --> 00:12:47,767
cruise for you.
328
00:12:47,801 --> 00:12:49,136
It's called
329
00:12:49,169 --> 00:12:52,439
"The Famous Pets of
Instagram Cruise."
330
00:12:54,774 --> 00:12:56,243
What?!
331
00:12:56,276 --> 00:12:58,411
Sombrero Iguana?
332
00:12:58,445 --> 00:12:59,512
(sobbing)
333
00:12:59,546 --> 00:13:01,614
Bus Stop Goat!
334
00:13:01,648 --> 00:13:04,084
Cookie Pig!
335
00:13:04,117 --> 00:13:07,454
They're all gonna
be there for me?
336
00:13:07,487 --> 00:13:09,289
EDGAR:
When are we delivering
337
00:13:09,322 --> 00:13:10,357
the package,
you know?
338
00:13:10,390 --> 00:13:12,025
The top secret intel?
Shut up.
339
00:13:12,059 --> 00:13:13,961
(whispers):
After he buys the tickets.
340
00:13:13,994 --> 00:13:17,597
This is the greatest day
of my life!
341
00:13:17,630 --> 00:13:20,133
I am gonna meet Grumpy Cat!
342
00:13:20,167 --> 00:13:22,435
I sold my book!
343
00:13:22,469 --> 00:13:24,838
We're gonna live forever!
344
00:13:24,872 --> 00:13:27,307
*
345
00:13:58,205 --> 00:14:01,008
Lindsay, I got champagne
346
00:14:01,041 --> 00:14:03,210
in my wound.
347
00:14:03,243 --> 00:14:04,744
The bubbles, they sting!
348
00:14:04,777 --> 00:14:07,314
You have to flush it for me.
349
00:14:07,347 --> 00:14:09,716
Okay, Bear,
let's go to the sink.
350
00:14:09,749 --> 00:14:11,151
It hurts so bad!
351
00:14:11,184 --> 00:14:12,485
Does it smell funny?
352
00:14:12,519 --> 00:14:14,021
If it smells like eggs,
353
00:14:14,054 --> 00:14:15,855
you have to take me
back to urgent care!
354
00:14:15,889 --> 00:14:17,557
You love him.
You love him.
355
00:14:17,590 --> 00:14:19,226
Want to get stupid?
356
00:14:19,259 --> 00:14:22,262
How can you party like this
when you know someone died?
357
00:14:22,295 --> 00:14:24,531
I work at a hospital, dude.
358
00:14:24,564 --> 00:14:26,699
Just 'cause a busload
of dead kids rolled up,
359
00:14:26,733 --> 00:14:28,868
doesn't make it
not Margarita Monday.
360
00:14:28,902 --> 00:14:32,039
*
361
00:14:50,823 --> 00:14:52,792
*
362
00:15:20,453 --> 00:15:22,189
(indistinct chatter)
363
00:15:25,825 --> 00:15:28,061
Congratulations, Jimmy.
364
00:15:28,095 --> 00:15:31,664
It is really great
to see you so happy.
365
00:15:31,698 --> 00:15:33,366
Mm.
366
00:15:37,504 --> 00:15:41,174
You have always been
a success in my book.
367
00:15:41,208 --> 00:15:43,210
Oh.
368
00:15:45,445 --> 00:15:47,647
(singsongy):
Okay.
369
00:15:47,680 --> 00:15:49,782
I picked out an ocean suite
370
00:15:49,816 --> 00:15:52,352
with a porthole
so we can smoke and
371
00:15:52,385 --> 00:15:53,820
I added a meet and greet
with Sarcastic Llama.
372
00:15:53,853 --> 00:15:55,455
They take Apple Pay.
373
00:15:55,488 --> 00:15:57,390
You just have to put
your thumb on the thing.
374
00:16:00,994 --> 00:16:03,030
They don't want me
to succeed.
375
00:16:03,063 --> 00:16:04,297
Oh, no,
376
00:16:04,331 --> 00:16:05,498
Jimmy, before you turn,
377
00:16:05,532 --> 00:16:07,034
can you just put your
thumb on the thing?!
378
00:16:07,067 --> 00:16:08,101
Look at them.
No!
379
00:16:08,135 --> 00:16:09,702
JIMMY:
Sirens
380
00:16:09,736 --> 00:16:11,338
singing, "Come
play with us."
381
00:16:11,371 --> 00:16:13,040
But really
382
00:16:13,073 --> 00:16:15,508
they just want me to pilot
my literary schooner
383
00:16:15,542 --> 00:16:17,777
into the rocks
of do-nothingness.
384
00:16:17,810 --> 00:16:18,945
I invited them!
385
00:16:18,978 --> 00:16:20,347
Exactly!
386
00:16:20,380 --> 00:16:21,981
If you all didn't
want me to fail,
387
00:16:22,015 --> 00:16:23,650
then you would've listened
388
00:16:23,683 --> 00:16:25,785
when I said I have to write!
389
00:16:25,818 --> 00:16:28,955
They're desperately afraid
that I will shine so brightly,
390
00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:30,523
it will illuminate
391
00:16:30,557 --> 00:16:31,891
how dim their lives are
392
00:16:31,924 --> 00:16:33,026
by comparison.
393
00:16:33,060 --> 00:16:34,394
Congratulations, Jimmy.
394
00:16:34,427 --> 00:16:38,031
Unaccepted. This is attempted
criminal derailment.
395
00:16:38,065 --> 00:16:40,533
I don't know what you're
saying, but it sounds jerky.
396
00:16:40,567 --> 00:16:42,001
Yeah, and I'll be sure
to return the favor
397
00:16:42,035 --> 00:16:44,003
and sabotage
your eventual attempt
398
00:16:44,037 --> 00:16:46,173
to do something useful
with your life like
399
00:16:46,206 --> 00:16:47,907
finish your GED
400
00:16:47,940 --> 00:16:49,476
or dance
in your adult tap recital.
401
00:16:49,509 --> 00:16:51,911
It's Afro-funk fusion.
402
00:16:51,944 --> 00:16:53,046
Listen here, buster.
403
00:16:53,080 --> 00:16:54,481
Lindsay is my bride,
404
00:16:54,514 --> 00:16:56,416
she's pregnant
with my offspring,
405
00:16:56,449 --> 00:16:58,518
and she deserves respect!
406
00:16:58,551 --> 00:17:01,221
You love him.
407
00:17:01,254 --> 00:17:03,256
(laughs):
It worked.
408
00:17:03,290 --> 00:17:04,857
Apologize.
409
00:17:04,891 --> 00:17:06,259
I will do you one better.
410
00:17:06,293 --> 00:17:08,928
I'm gonna go downstairs
and get my heckle file.
411
00:17:08,961 --> 00:17:10,663
And after I put you all
in your place,
412
00:17:10,697 --> 00:17:11,998
once and for all,
413
00:17:12,031 --> 00:17:13,233
I'll be free
to get to work,
414
00:17:13,266 --> 00:17:16,769
sans distractions.
415
00:17:16,803 --> 00:17:18,171
Yes.
GRETCHEN:
Okay, everybody.
416
00:17:18,205 --> 00:17:20,873
Clock is ticking.
Let's rip off the Band-Aid.
417
00:17:20,907 --> 00:17:23,610
Mm, we're going home.
Vernon?
418
00:17:23,643 --> 00:17:25,178
But I want to get heckled.
419
00:17:25,212 --> 00:17:26,779
Fine, you can Uber home.
420
00:17:26,813 --> 00:17:29,682
But only
the cheap carpool one.
421
00:17:29,716 --> 00:17:31,084
I can't wait
to see him cry.
422
00:17:31,118 --> 00:17:32,685
(British accent):
Oh, no, me Da.
423
00:17:32,719 --> 00:17:33,886
Go tell him, Gretchen!
424
00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:35,021
No, Edgar's
gonna do it.
425
00:17:35,054 --> 00:17:36,523
Remember?
426
00:17:36,556 --> 00:17:37,724
I-I can't.
427
00:17:37,757 --> 00:17:38,858
Just do it!
428
00:17:38,891 --> 00:17:40,093
I'm dealing
with some major shit.
429
00:17:41,728 --> 00:17:45,565
Delivering tragic news
is a kind of service.
430
00:17:45,598 --> 00:17:47,634
To sacrifice
your own comfort
431
00:17:47,667 --> 00:17:50,203
so they can have
the gift of truth?
432
00:17:50,237 --> 00:17:52,038
That is true nobility.
433
00:17:52,071 --> 00:17:54,274
Like when I was born dead,
434
00:17:54,307 --> 00:17:56,443
I vividly remember the pain
in the doctor's voice
435
00:17:56,476 --> 00:17:59,812
when he told my parents, "I have
good news and I have bad news.
436
00:17:59,846 --> 00:18:01,448
"The good news--
437
00:18:01,481 --> 00:18:03,250
"it's a boy
and he's hella hung.
438
00:18:03,283 --> 00:18:05,818
Bad news--
dude's dead."
439
00:18:06,953 --> 00:18:08,788
You're right.
440
00:18:08,821 --> 00:18:10,990
Jimmy deserves
to know the truth.
441
00:18:11,023 --> 00:18:12,091
Thank you.
You're a hero.
442
00:18:12,125 --> 00:18:13,560
Now, get down there.
443
00:18:13,593 --> 00:18:16,463
Ooh, and remind him
about the cruise afterwards.
444
00:18:16,496 --> 00:18:18,165
Oh, no, wait.
445
00:18:18,198 --> 00:18:19,999
Maybe it's too early.
446
00:18:20,032 --> 00:18:21,601
Yeah, hold it.
447
00:18:21,634 --> 00:18:22,935
Go!
448
00:18:29,709 --> 00:18:31,878
(chuckles)
449
00:18:34,147 --> 00:18:36,849
More like dim...
(laughs)
450
00:18:36,883 --> 00:18:38,651
Hey, Jimmy.
451
00:18:38,685 --> 00:18:40,920
I'm afraid some of these heckles
are a bit out of date.
452
00:18:40,953 --> 00:18:43,823
"Paul, nice It's Pat cosplay.
453
00:18:43,856 --> 00:18:45,958
"Edgar, I liked you better
when you
454
00:18:45,992 --> 00:18:48,528
"writing and starring in the hit
musical In the Heights.
455
00:18:48,561 --> 00:18:50,029
"Becca,
456
00:18:50,062 --> 00:18:51,698
"heaven must be
missing an angel,
457
00:18:51,731 --> 00:18:53,966
"because an angel
saw your stupid face
458
00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:55,868
and blew its brains out."
(laughs)
459
00:18:55,902 --> 00:18:58,137
That one's evergreen.
460
00:18:58,171 --> 00:19:01,274
Uh, so you know how, uh,
people come into your lives
461
00:19:01,308 --> 00:19:03,810
and, and they touch you?
462
00:19:05,044 --> 00:19:07,347
Is this about you
being molested?
463
00:19:07,380 --> 00:19:09,048
Boo-hoo.
464
00:19:09,081 --> 00:19:10,950
Every neighborhood
had a handsy fishmonger.
465
00:19:10,983 --> 00:19:12,352
No, Jimmy,
466
00:19:12,385 --> 00:19:14,120
it's about your father.
467
00:19:14,153 --> 00:19:17,156
Has Gretchen been
infecting you with her therapy?
468
00:19:17,190 --> 00:19:20,960
See, unlike Gretchen,
my father is a non-entity
469
00:19:20,993 --> 00:19:23,563
in my life.
If this is about anything,
470
00:19:23,596 --> 00:19:26,165
it's about my need
to disprove the notion
471
00:19:26,199 --> 00:19:28,235
that at the core
I'm just shit,
472
00:19:28,268 --> 00:19:30,937
which all started
when I was a kid and--
473
00:19:32,672 --> 00:19:34,307
Oh, my God.
474
00:19:34,341 --> 00:19:36,209
This is about my father.
475
00:19:36,243 --> 00:19:38,245
Yeah, okay, see...
No wonder I can't take
476
00:19:38,278 --> 00:19:40,079
a moment to enjoy my triumph.
477
00:19:40,112 --> 00:19:42,349
I-I wouldn't...
He's my true enemy!
478
00:19:42,382 --> 00:19:46,319
Instead of heckling my friends,
I am gonna call that old twat
479
00:19:46,353 --> 00:19:47,754
and tear him to pieces.
Uh, no, no, J-Jimmy!
480
00:19:47,787 --> 00:19:49,055
Thanks, Edgar.
Do not do that.
481
00:19:49,088 --> 00:19:51,224
This is the first good idea
you've ever had.
482
00:19:51,258 --> 00:19:52,725
Oh, no, Bing Bong!
483
00:19:52,759 --> 00:19:54,261
Bing Bong!
484
00:19:54,294 --> 00:19:56,263
Dad...
485
00:19:56,296 --> 00:19:58,398
Oh, no.
Oh, this is bad.
486
00:19:58,431 --> 00:19:59,899
This is bad.
487
00:19:59,932 --> 00:20:01,100
Is he crying?
488
00:20:01,133 --> 00:20:03,336
It's really snotty
and moany, isn't it?
489
00:20:03,370 --> 00:20:04,404
Bye!
490
00:20:04,437 --> 00:20:05,872
I'm gonna move to Arizona
491
00:20:05,905 --> 00:20:07,374
and sell turquoise jewelry.
No!
492
00:20:07,407 --> 00:20:08,608
He's gonna call his dad!
493
00:20:08,641 --> 00:20:09,609
Wait, wait!
You didn't tell him?!
494
00:20:09,642 --> 00:20:10,777
Not at all.
495
00:20:10,810 --> 00:20:12,044
Holy crap!
496
00:20:12,078 --> 00:20:13,212
We have to stop him.
497
00:20:13,246 --> 00:20:15,014
Or maybe we don't.
498
00:20:15,047 --> 00:20:16,115
Think it through.
499
00:20:16,148 --> 00:20:18,551
One of the trash-bag sisters
picks up.
500
00:20:18,585 --> 00:20:19,886
Confusion,
confusion.
501
00:20:19,919 --> 00:20:21,020
(British accent):
Oy, ya daft fart.
502
00:20:21,053 --> 00:20:22,289
We sent the obit.
Da's dead.
503
00:20:22,322 --> 00:20:24,123
And boom!
A couple of weeks from now,
504
00:20:24,156 --> 00:20:26,359
I have a tan line
shaped like Grumpy Cat,
505
00:20:26,393 --> 00:20:29,629
because she's been sitting
on my lap on the cruise deck...
506
00:20:29,662 --> 00:20:32,299
Gretchen, you don't get
to be in charge anymore!
507
00:20:32,332 --> 00:20:33,433
What?
You can't do that.
508
00:20:33,466 --> 00:20:35,101
My man takes charge.
509
00:20:35,134 --> 00:20:38,705
Everyone who's not currently
on hobble sticks,
510
00:20:38,738 --> 00:20:42,442
go down there and stop him
from calling his dead father!
511
00:20:42,475 --> 00:20:45,144
A ghost picks up the phone,
I'm gonna shit my pants.
512
00:20:52,485 --> 00:20:53,720
EDGAR:
Oh, God.
513
00:20:53,753 --> 00:20:54,721
We're too late.
514
00:20:54,754 --> 00:20:55,955
Shh, what's he saying?
515
00:20:55,988 --> 00:20:57,990
Hey, Ronny,
it's your son.
516
00:20:58,024 --> 00:20:59,091
You're probably at the pub
517
00:20:59,125 --> 00:21:01,160
passed out
in your stool over
518
00:21:01,193 --> 00:21:04,130
a half-eaten scotch
egg in lard sauce,
519
00:21:04,163 --> 00:21:06,866
but I just wanted
to let you know...
520
00:21:10,670 --> 00:21:12,705
I sold a book, Daddy.
521
00:21:16,809 --> 00:21:18,578
(phone beeps)
522
00:21:18,611 --> 00:21:20,647
Good luck.
523
00:21:33,125 --> 00:21:35,528
Thanks for sticking up
for me earlier.
524
00:21:35,562 --> 00:21:36,996
Of course.
525
00:21:37,029 --> 00:21:38,230
That's my job.
526
00:21:40,667 --> 00:21:42,635
I love you.
527
00:21:42,669 --> 00:21:45,204
(laughs)
528
00:21:45,237 --> 00:21:47,039
Ow...
529
00:21:47,073 --> 00:21:49,542
I think my wound
is weeping again.
530
00:21:55,882 --> 00:21:57,484
Hey, dude?
531
00:21:57,517 --> 00:22:00,453
Can I give you my profesh
medical opinion?
532
00:22:00,487 --> 00:22:02,822
Yeah.
533
00:22:02,855 --> 00:22:04,657
You need some help.
534
00:22:04,691 --> 00:22:07,093
I know.
535
00:22:10,897 --> 00:22:13,265
(playing "Taps")
536
00:22:28,381 --> 00:22:30,617
(bottles clank)
537
00:22:31,784 --> 00:22:34,220
("Taps" continues in distance)
538
00:22:38,024 --> 00:22:40,326
Hey, um...
(clears his throat)
539
00:22:40,359 --> 00:22:42,361
Just got off the phone
with my father.
540
00:22:42,395 --> 00:22:43,996
Sure gave it to old Ronny.
541
00:22:44,030 --> 00:22:46,433
First, I jabbed him
about his illiteracy
542
00:22:46,466 --> 00:22:48,601
and then his pulmonary
oxygen absorption rate.
543
00:22:48,635 --> 00:22:50,403
Jimmy, your dad died.
544
00:22:50,437 --> 00:22:52,405
Yeah, when I heckled him
so hard.
545
00:22:52,439 --> 00:22:54,907
This came in the mail.
I'm so sorry!
546
00:23:20,166 --> 00:23:22,969
(quietly):
I'm just gonna...
547
00:23:23,002 --> 00:23:25,237
*
548
00:23:31,811 --> 00:23:34,747
* I'm taking off
549
00:23:34,781 --> 00:23:37,083
* I've closed the door
550
00:23:37,116 --> 00:23:39,919
* As cold as stone
551
00:23:39,952 --> 00:23:42,254
* Can't take no more
552
00:23:42,288 --> 00:23:44,457
* To be alone
553
00:23:44,491 --> 00:23:46,926
* Is where I go
554
00:23:46,959 --> 00:23:49,095
* I choose to walk
555
00:23:49,128 --> 00:23:50,963
* This lonely road
556
00:23:50,997 --> 00:23:54,100
* Change the flow
557
00:23:54,133 --> 00:23:59,105
* 'Cause I need
the space to grow *
558
00:24:00,507 --> 00:24:04,310
* Hope you'll know
559
00:24:04,343 --> 00:24:08,280
* I will find my way back...
560
00:24:14,220 --> 00:24:17,223
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
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