Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:04,838
(Gretchen moaning,
Jimmy panting)
2
00:00:04,872 --> 00:00:08,409
Oh, God. Oh, shit!
3
00:00:08,442 --> 00:00:10,644
Uh-huh.
(moans)
4
00:00:10,678 --> 00:00:12,546
I'm gonna come!
I'm gonna come!
5
00:00:12,580 --> 00:00:13,981
Um...
I'm gonna come.
6
00:00:14,014 --> 00:00:15,483
Why do you always announce it?
7
00:00:15,516 --> 00:00:17,651
What?
You always announce it.
8
00:00:17,685 --> 00:00:19,320
I do?
Always.
9
00:00:19,353 --> 00:00:20,388
I don't know.
I guess I just want
10
00:00:20,421 --> 00:00:21,755
everyone to be clear that, uh...
11
00:00:21,789 --> 00:00:24,158
That this is Gretchen's moment.
Yeah.
12
00:00:24,192 --> 00:00:25,926
Gretchen has the floor.
13
00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:28,429
(grunting)
14
00:00:28,462 --> 00:00:30,831
(both moaning)
15
00:00:30,864 --> 00:00:33,000
Oh, yeah. Oh, shit.
Oh. Oh, yeah!
16
00:00:33,033 --> 00:00:34,502
I'm gonna...
No! Wait.
17
00:00:34,535 --> 00:00:36,070
Jesus. What?
18
00:00:36,104 --> 00:00:37,405
Gretchen has the floor!
19
00:00:37,438 --> 00:00:38,706
I don't know what to tell you.
20
00:00:38,739 --> 00:00:41,075
We can, you know, both.
21
00:00:41,109 --> 00:00:42,576
Like, at the same time?
22
00:00:42,610 --> 00:00:44,778
Why not?
I don't know.
23
00:00:45,779 --> 00:00:46,780
Will it be scary?
24
00:00:46,814 --> 00:00:48,849
I don't know. It might.
(moans)
25
00:00:48,882 --> 00:00:50,951
Wait, I can't...
I can't stop it.
Oh, me neither.
26
00:00:50,984 --> 00:00:53,354
I can't stop it. (moaning)
Here I...
27
00:00:53,387 --> 00:00:56,023
(shouting)
28
00:00:56,056 --> 00:00:57,591
(laughs)
29
00:00:57,625 --> 00:00:59,960
(chuckling, panting)
30
00:00:59,993 --> 00:01:03,597
(both panting)
31
00:01:03,631 --> 00:01:06,267
You were so quiet.
32
00:01:06,300 --> 00:01:08,202
You had the floor.
33
00:01:08,236 --> 00:01:09,470
Aw.
34
00:01:09,503 --> 00:01:11,239
(chuckling)
35
00:01:13,507 --> 00:01:15,276
*
36
00:01:18,446 --> 00:01:21,249
* I'm gonna leave you anyway
37
00:01:21,282 --> 00:01:24,051
* I'm gonna leave you
anyway *
38
00:01:24,084 --> 00:01:27,321
* Gonna leave you anyway.
39
00:01:33,527 --> 00:01:34,995
Ow!
40
00:01:35,028 --> 00:01:36,330
Oh, stop.
41
00:01:36,364 --> 00:01:38,065
It's a soft case.
42
00:01:38,098 --> 00:01:40,568
(groans)
43
00:01:40,601 --> 00:01:42,770
I'm gonna take a shower.
44
00:01:42,803 --> 00:01:45,273
Might take a second.
I'm gonna wash my legs.
45
00:01:45,306 --> 00:01:47,441
You mean shave your legs?
No.
46
00:01:47,475 --> 00:01:49,777
I'm sorry?
47
00:01:49,810 --> 00:01:53,113
Implying that you don't
usually wash your legs?
48
00:01:53,147 --> 00:01:54,315
No.
49
00:01:54,348 --> 00:01:55,516
You don't wash your legs?
50
00:01:55,549 --> 00:01:57,585
No way. What am I, a sucker?
51
00:01:57,618 --> 00:02:00,521
What, you take showers,
and you don't wash your legs?
52
00:02:00,554 --> 00:02:04,292
What am I gonna do, like,
bend down and wash my legs?
53
00:02:04,325 --> 00:02:05,693
Who has the time?
54
00:02:05,726 --> 00:02:09,630
Yesterday, you spent
two hours drawing a maze.
55
00:02:09,663 --> 00:02:12,666
Yeah. And how do you think I had
time to draw that sick-ass maze?
56
00:02:12,700 --> 00:02:14,602
No wonder you haven't
finished your book, Jimbo.
57
00:02:14,635 --> 00:02:16,770
Too busy washing
your legs.
58
00:02:16,804 --> 00:02:20,274
Yeah, it's book proposal.
And it's nearly done.
59
00:02:20,308 --> 00:02:22,376
Hey, I forgot
to mention!
60
00:02:22,410 --> 00:02:25,045
Sam and the boys are having a
big secret reunion show tonight.
61
00:02:25,078 --> 00:02:26,814
You want to come?
Nope.
62
00:02:26,847 --> 00:02:28,015
It's a really important night.
63
00:02:29,016 --> 00:02:31,118
Free booze.
Yeah, I'll be there.
64
00:02:31,151 --> 00:02:33,053
Mm. Love you.
65
00:02:34,922 --> 00:02:38,125
What did you say?
66
00:02:38,158 --> 00:02:40,361
Oh, my God,
are you serious?
67
00:02:40,394 --> 00:02:42,129
W-We said it.
68
00:02:42,162 --> 00:02:45,399
No way! I didn't say it!
69
00:02:45,433 --> 00:02:47,167
Uh, the night of Becca
and Vernon's party.
70
00:02:47,201 --> 00:02:49,570
We both said...
You said it first!
71
00:02:49,603 --> 00:02:51,472
I was blackout drunk!
72
00:02:51,505 --> 00:02:53,140
Why would you take anything
I said seriously?
I seriously think
73
00:02:53,173 --> 00:02:55,409
that you may have
a drinking problem.
I don't have a problem.
74
00:02:55,443 --> 00:02:57,578
You know what, I'm not
gonna let this bother me.
Maybe you have
75
00:02:57,611 --> 00:03:00,514
a "believing things
drunk people say" problem.
76
00:03:00,548 --> 00:03:04,151
I told you, from the beginning,
I don't believe in it.
77
00:03:04,184 --> 00:03:06,520
But you said it.
I might also have said
78
00:03:06,554 --> 00:03:08,889
that I don't have an opinion
on your pubic hair,
79
00:03:08,922 --> 00:03:10,724
or that I was gonna help
Edgar with his résumé.
80
00:03:10,758 --> 00:03:12,092
Doesn't make them true.
81
00:03:13,694 --> 00:03:16,196
(door opens, slams)
82
00:03:24,905 --> 00:03:27,174
Babe.
83
00:03:27,207 --> 00:03:29,443
Babe?
84
00:03:29,477 --> 00:03:31,279
Dude with his face
in my business.
85
00:03:31,312 --> 00:03:33,914
EDGAR:
Uh, what's the matter?
86
00:03:33,947 --> 00:03:37,385
Just, um, you've been doing that
for, like, a half hour.
87
00:03:37,418 --> 00:03:40,254
Uh, uh, attention to detail.
It's an Army thing...
88
00:03:40,288 --> 00:03:41,889
When are you gonna
do me already?
89
00:03:41,922 --> 00:03:45,593
I like making you feel good.
90
00:03:45,626 --> 00:03:47,227
Is this your way of apologizing
91
00:03:47,261 --> 00:03:49,363
for backing out of
moving in together?
92
00:03:49,397 --> 00:03:51,565
If so, forgiven.
93
00:03:51,599 --> 00:03:54,735
Anyway, who am I
to look a gift... whore?
94
00:03:54,768 --> 00:03:56,904
Gift head?
Gift mouth in the mouth.
95
00:03:56,937 --> 00:03:58,406
There it is.
96
00:04:00,308 --> 00:04:01,275
(sighs)
97
00:04:01,309 --> 00:04:03,010
Okay.
98
00:04:06,246 --> 00:04:08,282
(moans softly)
99
00:04:08,316 --> 00:04:10,718
NARRATOR (over TV): For Mary,
it was one argument too many.
100
00:04:10,751 --> 00:04:12,252
PAUL:
Lindsay!
101
00:04:12,286 --> 00:04:13,987
(characters shouting over TV)
102
00:04:14,021 --> 00:04:15,789
Lindsay,
come out here!
103
00:04:15,823 --> 00:04:18,091
MAN:
Your mother cannot stay indef...
104
00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:23,096
Oh. Okay, let me go put on
my biking Spanx.
105
00:04:23,130 --> 00:04:26,334
No, honey. You don't understand.
106
00:04:26,367 --> 00:04:28,836
(car approaching)
107
00:04:31,372 --> 00:04:33,341
(tires screech, horn honks)
108
00:04:33,374 --> 00:04:36,076
Being back in this house,
I realized
109
00:04:36,109 --> 00:04:38,245
I created a life apart from you.
110
00:04:38,278 --> 00:04:40,113
All my hobbies,
111
00:04:40,147 --> 00:04:41,615
my Internet activity,
my secret bank account...
112
00:04:41,649 --> 00:04:42,916
Your what now?
113
00:04:42,950 --> 00:04:46,687
All these separate things
created malignant distance
114
00:04:46,720 --> 00:04:49,990
between us.
115
00:04:50,023 --> 00:04:52,693
LINDSAY: You're throwing away
all your nerd stuff?
116
00:04:52,726 --> 00:04:55,963
From this moment on,
my sole focus
117
00:04:55,996 --> 00:04:59,367
will be on things
we can do together.
118
00:04:59,400 --> 00:05:00,668
(Lindsay gasps)
119
00:05:00,701 --> 00:05:03,837
(squeals, giggles)
120
00:05:03,871 --> 00:05:06,440
Ah-ah-ah.
121
00:05:06,474 --> 00:05:08,709
I have a very special evening
planned.
122
00:05:08,742 --> 00:05:10,844
My special night?
Tonight,
123
00:05:10,878 --> 00:05:13,280
we launch our life,
truly together.
124
00:05:13,313 --> 00:05:15,115
As a family.
125
00:05:15,148 --> 00:05:17,184
Family.
126
00:05:17,217 --> 00:05:19,653
*
127
00:05:25,325 --> 00:05:27,661
(sizzling)
128
00:05:31,198 --> 00:05:32,900
EDGAR:
Breakfast...
129
00:05:32,933 --> 00:05:34,234
tots.
130
00:05:34,267 --> 00:05:37,471
This is completely...
131
00:05:37,505 --> 00:05:38,906
brilliant.
132
00:05:38,939 --> 00:05:41,742
Why have you just thought
of these now?
133
00:05:41,775 --> 00:05:43,977
I'm more creative
when I'm upset.
134
00:05:44,011 --> 00:05:45,446
Oh.
135
00:05:48,516 --> 00:05:50,150
I have a problem.
136
00:05:50,183 --> 00:05:53,186
Mm. Having a problem is
your defining characteristic.
137
00:05:53,220 --> 00:05:57,090
No, I have a real
problem. Um...
138
00:05:57,124 --> 00:06:00,093
ever since they switched
some of my meds, I've been...
139
00:06:00,127 --> 00:06:01,895
having a little trouble
in the bedroom.
140
00:06:01,929 --> 00:06:04,565
What, night screamings?
Sleep-to-rage?
141
00:06:04,598 --> 00:06:06,767
Waking up thinking,
"Why am I here?
142
00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:09,069
Oh, right. Yeah,
I'm freeloading off Jimmy."
143
00:06:09,102 --> 00:06:11,872
No. Bed-room.
144
00:06:12,940 --> 00:06:16,209
Oh, my God! Jesus, man.
Are you serious?
145
00:06:16,243 --> 00:06:18,211
It's not like
nothing happens,
146
00:06:18,245 --> 00:06:20,514
but more like it
starts to happen,
147
00:06:20,548 --> 00:06:22,916
then it gets halfway
there and is like...
148
00:06:22,950 --> 00:06:24,952
(dopey voice): "Nope,
I'm going back to bed."
149
00:06:24,985 --> 00:06:28,956
I've gone years now successfully
never picturing your penis.
150
00:06:28,989 --> 00:06:31,792
And now... there it is.
151
00:06:33,427 --> 00:06:35,395
Just maybe try to...
152
00:06:35,429 --> 00:06:38,298
kink it back into
working order, huh?
153
00:06:38,331 --> 00:06:41,034
What have you two tried? Latex?
154
00:06:41,068 --> 00:06:42,269
Smooshing?
155
00:06:42,302 --> 00:06:43,804
Medical play?
Size training?
156
00:06:43,837 --> 00:06:45,372
CFNM? Funneling?
157
00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:46,373
Hazyface?
158
00:06:46,406 --> 00:06:47,541
Clit negging? Ladyboy?
159
00:06:47,575 --> 00:06:50,310
Nothing. Just regular.
160
00:06:50,343 --> 00:06:53,547
Well, then your penis
is clearly bored to death.
161
00:06:53,581 --> 00:06:55,215
Just try something.
162
00:06:55,248 --> 00:06:57,050
Maybe start with some light
163
00:06:57,084 --> 00:06:58,552
role-playing.
164
00:06:58,586 --> 00:07:00,087
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna try
165
00:07:00,120 --> 00:07:03,090
and finish my breakfast without
thinking about your penis.
166
00:07:03,123 --> 00:07:05,125
Béchamel?
Uh, I'm done.
167
00:07:11,765 --> 00:07:14,234
(bluesy rock music playing)
168
00:07:14,267 --> 00:07:16,069
One, two, three.
I already have...
169
00:07:16,103 --> 00:07:17,571
Mm?
170
00:07:17,605 --> 00:07:19,006
Okay.
171
00:07:21,174 --> 00:07:23,611
Let's do Lemon Drops next.
172
00:07:23,644 --> 00:07:24,912
Don't you have work?
173
00:07:24,945 --> 00:07:26,413
(scoffs) Have you
seen what I do?
174
00:07:26,446 --> 00:07:28,415
Now that you mention it,
I've never known.
175
00:07:28,448 --> 00:07:31,418
How does it work?
Like, with Sam. Who pays you?
176
00:07:31,451 --> 00:07:33,186
The company for
which I work.
177
00:07:33,220 --> 00:07:35,455
A company hired you?
178
00:07:35,489 --> 00:07:38,992
They interviewed you
and then offered you a job?
179
00:07:40,794 --> 00:07:42,262
(groans)
180
00:07:42,295 --> 00:07:45,032
Ooh, let's try cosmos
next, like ladies.
181
00:07:45,065 --> 00:07:46,466
Cosmos. (chuckles)
182
00:07:46,500 --> 00:07:48,268
Why are you asking
me questions?
183
00:07:48,301 --> 00:07:50,203
It's just funny.
184
00:07:50,237 --> 00:07:52,205
With this
insane revelation that,
185
00:07:52,239 --> 00:07:55,008
for some reason,
you don't wash your legs.
186
00:07:55,042 --> 00:07:56,544
No need.
Water falls on them.
187
00:07:56,577 --> 00:07:57,845
Oh, my God.
188
00:07:57,878 --> 00:08:00,113
Anyway, had you not
said anything,
189
00:08:00,147 --> 00:08:02,482
I might have never known
this fact.
190
00:08:02,516 --> 00:08:04,184
So? Chug.
191
00:08:04,217 --> 00:08:07,955
So? The unknowable
is terrifying, Gretchen.
192
00:08:07,988 --> 00:08:10,624
That's why humanity explores.
193
00:08:10,658 --> 00:08:12,459
To shine a light
194
00:08:12,492 --> 00:08:14,962
on the frightening dark
that surrounds us.
195
00:08:14,995 --> 00:08:18,632
Thus, immediately upon learning
that you don't wash your legs--
196
00:08:18,666 --> 00:08:20,534
itself unimportant--
197
00:08:20,568 --> 00:08:24,972
I'm now thrust into wondering:
what else don't I know?
198
00:08:25,005 --> 00:08:27,675
About me? Ooh, okay.
199
00:08:27,708 --> 00:08:29,910
Um, I dated two
of the Baldwins.
200
00:08:29,943 --> 00:08:33,881
I competed in the U.S. Teen
Nationals for show jumping.
201
00:08:33,914 --> 00:08:35,816
In horsery?
Yes, horsery.
202
00:08:35,849 --> 00:08:36,750
For ten months,
203
00:08:36,784 --> 00:08:37,851
I did ink work
204
00:08:37,885 --> 00:08:38,852
for a professional
counterfeiter.
205
00:08:38,886 --> 00:08:40,921
I've never eaten
a blueberry.
206
00:08:40,954 --> 00:08:42,990
They are doll eyes.
Think about it.
207
00:08:43,023 --> 00:08:45,025
Drink.
208
00:08:46,059 --> 00:08:48,328
How do I not know
any of this?
209
00:08:48,361 --> 00:08:49,496
(sighs)
210
00:08:49,529 --> 00:08:51,164
I can't do a cartwheel.
211
00:08:51,198 --> 00:08:52,833
An owl tried to kill
me at Bible camp.
212
00:08:52,866 --> 00:08:54,234
What?
Big sumbitch.
213
00:08:54,267 --> 00:08:56,103
Sluiced right through
the night air,
214
00:08:56,136 --> 00:08:58,505
silent as shit.
(whooshes)
215
00:08:58,538 --> 00:09:00,073
I think there's still a scar
if you want...
No, no, no, no.
216
00:09:00,107 --> 00:09:01,408
What kind of camp did you say?
217
00:09:01,441 --> 00:09:03,443
Bible camp. See,
my real problem is
218
00:09:03,476 --> 00:09:05,613
I was wearing a headband with
a cute little mouse on it.
219
00:09:05,646 --> 00:09:07,280
Gretchen, are you religious?
220
00:09:07,314 --> 00:09:08,949
No!
(sighs)
221
00:09:08,982 --> 00:09:11,151
I consider myself
more generally spiritual.
222
00:09:12,586 --> 00:09:14,588
Drink.
223
00:09:16,624 --> 00:09:19,026
Whew! I am hammered!
224
00:09:19,059 --> 00:09:21,028
Are you hammered?
225
00:09:21,061 --> 00:09:22,763
You're the best.
226
00:09:22,796 --> 00:09:24,598
I'm so glad you're
my boyfriend.
227
00:09:24,632 --> 00:09:27,267
Mm.
Look, I know we
weren't gonna say it,
228
00:09:27,300 --> 00:09:29,536
but... screw it.
229
00:09:29,569 --> 00:09:31,404
I love you, Jimmy.
230
00:09:31,438 --> 00:09:33,273
I love you.
I knew it.
231
00:09:33,306 --> 00:09:34,574
Psyche! Nice try, dummy.
232
00:09:34,608 --> 00:09:35,876
I've had five shots.
233
00:09:35,909 --> 00:09:38,445
I could fly a plane
after five shots. Bye.
234
00:09:42,149 --> 00:09:44,551
He doesn't remember saying it.
Little punk-ass bitch.
235
00:09:44,584 --> 00:09:47,320
I've done tons of stuff
drunk, and it all counts:
236
00:09:47,354 --> 00:09:50,223
my wedding,
driving school,
237
00:09:50,257 --> 00:09:51,959
all my dentist
appointments.
238
00:09:51,992 --> 00:09:55,395
Getting vag-fected by Paul's
wriggly little jizz monsters?
239
00:09:55,428 --> 00:09:57,064
Ow! No! Ow!
240
00:09:57,097 --> 00:09:58,799
Don't pinch me!
We are having this baby!
241
00:09:58,832 --> 00:10:00,433
It's a fresh start.
Stop!
242
00:10:00,467 --> 00:10:01,301
You bitch!
Quit it!
243
00:10:01,334 --> 00:10:03,303
Stop it!
244
00:10:03,336 --> 00:10:05,072
We're supposed to be
having a meeting
245
00:10:05,105 --> 00:10:07,407
about the secret
reunion show tonight.
246
00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:08,575
You're early.
247
00:10:08,608 --> 00:10:09,643
It's still my
lunch hour.
248
00:10:11,879 --> 00:10:13,313
I will eat those later.
249
00:10:13,346 --> 00:10:14,547
You're not
having this baby.
250
00:10:15,482 --> 00:10:16,850
(gasps)
251
00:10:16,884 --> 00:10:20,487
Unfortunately, being keenly
in tune with the human condition
252
00:10:20,520 --> 00:10:22,289
means that after hearing
this idiotic shit
253
00:10:22,322 --> 00:10:23,757
for the past ten minutes,
254
00:10:23,791 --> 00:10:25,458
I have thoughts.
Bitch,
255
00:10:25,492 --> 00:10:26,860
he does not love you.
256
00:10:26,894 --> 00:10:27,995
Oh, goddamn it!
257
00:10:28,028 --> 00:10:28,996
SAM:
When you say
258
00:10:29,029 --> 00:10:30,463
"I love you,"
259
00:10:30,497 --> 00:10:33,633
it's supposed to be
romantic and/or highly
260
00:10:33,667 --> 00:10:34,968
sexual.
261
00:10:35,002 --> 00:10:36,369
Or when you're so overwhelmed
262
00:10:36,403 --> 00:10:37,805
by what perfection
is in front of you...
263
00:10:37,838 --> 00:10:40,207
If you say the word
"Jaclyn" one more time,
264
00:10:40,240 --> 00:10:42,609
I will gag you with that
raggedy-ass bandanna!
265
00:10:42,642 --> 00:10:44,144
I've never loved anyone.
266
00:10:44,177 --> 00:10:46,346
I guess it's because I never
felt worthy of love in return.
267
00:10:46,379 --> 00:10:50,150
Be the CEO of your own life,
Gretch.
268
00:10:50,183 --> 00:10:51,952
Don't wait for no one
to say it to you.
269
00:10:51,985 --> 00:10:54,822
Every morning in the mirror,
I purse my pillow lips up
270
00:10:54,855 --> 00:10:57,557
and stare into my apple juice
eyes, and I be like,
271
00:10:57,590 --> 00:10:59,292
"I love you.
272
00:10:59,326 --> 00:11:01,628
"I love you, Sam.
273
00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:03,630
I love you!"
274
00:11:03,663 --> 00:11:04,631
(exhales)
275
00:11:04,664 --> 00:11:06,233
"Apple juice eyes"?
276
00:11:06,266 --> 00:11:08,401
Don't be trying to play
like they ain't rich,
277
00:11:08,435 --> 00:11:10,137
delicious, apple juice.
278
00:11:10,170 --> 00:11:12,372
That's why no one loves you.
279
00:11:13,907 --> 00:11:15,642
Anyway, dudes don't
say it with words,
280
00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:16,944
they say it with actions.
281
00:11:18,111 --> 00:11:19,847
Other bitch,
get out of here.
282
00:11:21,749 --> 00:11:23,650
We got to talk
about the show.
283
00:11:23,683 --> 00:11:25,352
I am all over it, Sam.
284
00:11:25,385 --> 00:11:27,020
I have a press release
ready to go.
285
00:11:27,054 --> 00:11:28,121
It's a secret show!
286
00:11:29,122 --> 00:11:30,190
No press release.
287
00:11:30,223 --> 00:11:31,725
No industry whispers.
288
00:11:31,759 --> 00:11:35,929
Um... then how will
people find out about it?
289
00:11:35,963 --> 00:11:39,666
Real ballers' fans find out
clandestine style and shit.
290
00:11:39,699 --> 00:11:41,101
Fetty Wap at the El Rey.
291
00:11:41,134 --> 00:11:43,236
Schoolboy Q on the roof
of The Standard.
292
00:11:43,270 --> 00:11:45,672
Young Thug at Sufjan Steven's
broth restaurant.
293
00:11:45,705 --> 00:11:47,507
No press. All packed.
294
00:11:47,540 --> 00:11:49,609
Okay, but that's not
actually how it works.
295
00:11:49,642 --> 00:11:51,611
Gretch! No!
296
00:11:51,644 --> 00:11:53,680
It has to be pure.
297
00:11:53,713 --> 00:11:55,248
It's a point of pride.
298
00:11:55,282 --> 00:11:57,650
Prove to the world
we ain't never slipped.
299
00:11:58,886 --> 00:12:00,888
(knocking)
Hello?
300
00:12:01,889 --> 00:12:03,123
Hi.
301
00:12:03,156 --> 00:12:04,858
I was just
babysitting next door,
302
00:12:04,892 --> 00:12:08,528
and I got bored watching
Hulu, like we millennials do.
303
00:12:08,561 --> 00:12:10,864
Oh, hi. Come in.
304
00:12:10,898 --> 00:12:13,600
Geez, nice place.
305
00:12:13,633 --> 00:12:16,703
Reminds me of my
piano teacher's house.
306
00:12:16,736 --> 00:12:19,206
Sometimes we sit too close
to each other on the bench,
307
00:12:19,239 --> 00:12:21,141
and our
side-butts touch.
308
00:12:21,174 --> 00:12:23,310
It's ac... it's actually
my friend Jimmy's house.
309
00:12:23,343 --> 00:12:24,945
He let me sleep here
because I was homeless...
310
00:12:24,978 --> 00:12:26,379
Dude, this is fantasy.
311
00:12:26,413 --> 00:12:27,781
Oh, right. Uh...
(scoffs)
312
00:12:27,815 --> 00:12:29,216
Yeah, this is my house.
313
00:12:29,249 --> 00:12:31,952
Which I bought
with a mortgage... money loan.
314
00:12:31,985 --> 00:12:34,654
Yeah, well, I just moved
to town to be a YouTube star.
315
00:12:34,687 --> 00:12:37,490
Don't you love my widdle
baby voice, Daddy?
316
00:12:37,524 --> 00:12:38,758
Whoa.
317
00:12:38,792 --> 00:12:40,360
Oh, shit. Sorry.
318
00:12:41,862 --> 00:12:44,131
(deep voice):
Hey, troopmate.
319
00:12:44,164 --> 00:12:48,001
What happens in the foxhole
stays in the foxhole, right?
320
00:12:48,035 --> 00:12:50,770
Shit. Sorry. Ugh. I'm not very
good at this, which is weird,
321
00:12:50,804 --> 00:12:53,173
because my character work
is what got me very close
322
00:12:53,206 --> 00:12:56,109
on three different basic cable
hidden camera prank shows.
323
00:12:56,143 --> 00:12:57,010
Let's try again.
324
00:12:57,044 --> 00:12:59,012
No, no. It-It's okay.
325
00:12:59,046 --> 00:13:00,747
Is it me?
326
00:13:00,780 --> 00:13:02,649
Is this because
327
00:13:02,682 --> 00:13:04,284
I farted in front of you
the other day?
328
00:13:04,317 --> 00:13:08,121
Some of my new medications
apparently can have
329
00:13:08,155 --> 00:13:11,758
libido-interfering
characteristics.
330
00:13:11,791 --> 00:13:13,760
Well, can't you just
get them to switch them?
331
00:13:13,793 --> 00:13:15,428
They have been switching them
332
00:13:15,462 --> 00:13:17,797
and switching them and switching
them and switching them.
333
00:13:17,831 --> 00:13:20,033
Well, your body probably
just has to get used to it.
334
00:13:20,067 --> 00:13:22,635
I mean, they wouldn't have you
on something that makes you
335
00:13:22,669 --> 00:13:24,637
unable to have
sex forever.
Of course not.
336
00:13:24,671 --> 00:13:27,207
And, until you figure it out,
there's probably a pill
337
00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:28,842
you could take...
No, I'm not taking
another pill.
338
00:13:28,876 --> 00:13:31,044
I can't keep taking
more pills and more pills
339
00:13:31,078 --> 00:13:32,880
and more pills, okay?
340
00:13:32,913 --> 00:13:34,181
Never mind. I'm sorry.
341
00:13:34,214 --> 00:13:36,216
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
342
00:13:37,851 --> 00:13:40,153
It's just hard.
343
00:13:40,187 --> 00:13:42,355
No, it's not.
(chuckles) Bad, Dorothy.
344
00:13:50,563 --> 00:13:52,565
(record scratching,
hip-hop music playing)
345
00:13:54,868 --> 00:13:57,070
This door list is as white
as your ass!
346
00:13:57,104 --> 00:13:59,672
Where's all the goddamn people
on this bitch, bitch?
347
00:13:59,706 --> 00:14:01,808
You told me not to publicize it!
348
00:14:01,841 --> 00:14:03,676
To normal people, stupid!
349
00:14:03,710 --> 00:14:05,478
Where's all the media dudes
and the influencers?
350
00:14:05,512 --> 00:14:07,814
Our actor and
athlete fans?
351
00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:09,849
Where the hell is CP3
and Marcelo Huertas
352
00:14:09,883 --> 00:14:12,752
and Bradley Cooper?
Bradley Cooper loves us!
353
00:14:12,785 --> 00:14:13,887
We got hella wasted
with dude
354
00:14:13,921 --> 00:14:15,388
backstage of Elephant Man.
355
00:14:15,422 --> 00:14:16,389
You remember that?
Mm-hmm.
356
00:14:16,423 --> 00:14:17,724
Where is Bradley Cooper, Gretch?
357
00:14:17,757 --> 00:14:19,359
Where is Bradley Cooper?!
358
00:14:19,392 --> 00:14:20,994
You forbade me
from inviting anyone!
359
00:14:21,028 --> 00:14:22,896
Not important people!
360
00:14:22,930 --> 00:14:25,665
I hate you! This is sabotage!
361
00:14:25,698 --> 00:14:29,069
Quick! Social media tsunami!
362
00:14:29,102 --> 00:14:30,938
(growling)
363
00:14:30,971 --> 00:14:33,573
(keys clacking)
364
00:14:33,606 --> 00:14:35,708
Yo. What's up, fans?
365
00:14:35,742 --> 00:14:38,578
It's your boy, Sam.
Come down to the Smear, now.
366
00:14:38,611 --> 00:14:41,614
Secret show. Hella shrimps!
367
00:14:41,648 --> 00:14:42,950
I love you.
368
00:14:42,983 --> 00:14:45,085
It's no use.
We only got 20 minutes!
369
00:14:45,118 --> 00:14:47,420
I cannot have snaps
of an empty-ass show
370
00:14:47,454 --> 00:14:49,022
all over the Internet!
371
00:14:49,056 --> 00:14:51,558
Get bodies in here.
372
00:14:51,591 --> 00:14:53,360
I don't care how!
373
00:14:53,393 --> 00:14:54,627
Shit!
374
00:14:54,661 --> 00:14:56,763
(groans loudly)
375
00:14:56,796 --> 00:14:59,099
And don't forget Bradley Cooper!
376
00:14:59,132 --> 00:15:02,069
* Ooh, ooh...
377
00:15:02,102 --> 00:15:03,903
Lindsay.
378
00:15:03,937 --> 00:15:06,139
(chuckles)
379
00:15:06,173 --> 00:15:09,142
You look
positively ethereal.
380
00:15:09,176 --> 00:15:11,644
I am so excited
381
00:15:11,678 --> 00:15:14,881
to open my special prize
and find out
382
00:15:14,914 --> 00:15:17,017
what we're doing
tonight. Hmm?
383
00:15:17,917 --> 00:15:19,686
(squeaks)
384
00:15:23,090 --> 00:15:24,924
"Red Napkin"?
385
00:15:24,958 --> 00:15:26,293
(chuckles)
386
00:15:30,763 --> 00:15:32,399
Paul, this dress
doesn't have a butt.
387
00:15:32,432 --> 00:15:35,102
(chuckles)
It's an apron.
388
00:15:35,135 --> 00:15:36,436
A Napron?
389
00:15:36,469 --> 00:15:39,606
Red Napkin is the finest
in seasonal, pre-portioned meals
390
00:15:39,639 --> 00:15:43,343
delivered fresh, thrice weekly,
that you cook at home together.
391
00:15:43,376 --> 00:15:45,412
My present is cooking?
392
00:15:45,445 --> 00:15:46,746
Cooking as a family.
393
00:15:46,779 --> 00:15:48,982
Family.
394
00:15:49,016 --> 00:15:50,750
You don't seem excited.
I thought you were
395
00:15:50,783 --> 00:15:52,986
taking me out,
like a fun party date.
396
00:15:53,020 --> 00:15:56,089
We can't party anymore.
You're pregnant.
397
00:15:56,123 --> 00:15:57,657
Like we talked about.
398
00:15:57,690 --> 00:16:00,660
This is the next phase
of our life.
399
00:16:00,693 --> 00:16:02,895
And we both want that.
400
00:16:13,673 --> 00:16:16,043
(group singing in Spanish)
401
00:16:34,027 --> 00:16:36,429
(whispering)
402
00:17:17,036 --> 00:17:18,771
Oh.
403
00:17:49,102 --> 00:17:51,604
(crowd murmuring)
404
00:17:58,445 --> 00:17:59,746
(crowd murmuring)
405
00:18:10,623 --> 00:18:12,959
Gracias.
Gracias, mi hija.
406
00:18:12,992 --> 00:18:14,594
(crowd murmuring)
407
00:18:14,627 --> 00:18:16,663
(group singing in Spanish)
408
00:18:16,696 --> 00:18:19,399
You speak Spanish?
409
00:18:19,432 --> 00:18:21,134
Who doesn't speak Spanish?
410
00:18:21,168 --> 00:18:23,303
Me. Edgar.
411
00:18:23,336 --> 00:18:26,072
Look, Jimmy,
if you're that freaked out,
412
00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:29,008
we can just unsay it, okay?
Poof! Unsaid.
413
00:18:29,041 --> 00:18:30,843
I'm not gonna start pretending.
414
00:18:30,877 --> 00:18:32,945
I might as well start pretending
there's a person
415
00:18:32,979 --> 00:18:35,815
who lives in the clouds who
cares whether we survive cancer
416
00:18:35,848 --> 00:18:37,083
or not.
417
00:18:37,116 --> 00:18:39,118
We are strangers,
Gretchen.
418
00:18:39,152 --> 00:18:40,953
Bullshit.
We know each other.
419
00:18:40,987 --> 00:18:42,189
Well, not really.
420
00:18:42,222 --> 00:18:45,792
We live together,
we trust, blindly.
421
00:18:45,825 --> 00:18:48,094
But it's based on what?
It's actual madness,
422
00:18:48,127 --> 00:18:50,997
willingly living with a wild
animal but one with thumbs
423
00:18:51,030 --> 00:18:54,634
who can steal your money
and hurt you emotionally.
424
00:18:54,667 --> 00:18:58,638
So what changed? Why are you
suddenly so freaked out now?
425
00:18:58,671 --> 00:19:00,106
(gasps)
426
00:19:00,139 --> 00:19:01,974
What? I don't like that.
Stop doing that!
427
00:19:02,008 --> 00:19:04,977
That's why you've been asking me
questions all day?
428
00:19:05,011 --> 00:19:06,145
You never cared enough
429
00:19:06,179 --> 00:19:07,614
to ask before.
430
00:19:07,647 --> 00:19:09,015
Sam was right.
431
00:19:09,048 --> 00:19:11,551
You are showing me,
not telling me.
432
00:19:11,584 --> 00:19:14,153
Listen, those words--
433
00:19:14,187 --> 00:19:16,055
they're like a-a
verbal contract.
434
00:19:16,088 --> 00:19:17,724
They're a promise.
435
00:19:17,757 --> 00:19:19,992
And I am not ready
to make that promise.
436
00:19:20,026 --> 00:19:23,330
If "I love you"
is like a promise,
437
00:19:23,363 --> 00:19:26,799
it's just a promise
to, like, try real hard.
438
00:19:26,833 --> 00:19:28,201
Doesn't mean you can't fail.
439
00:19:28,235 --> 00:19:29,669
It doesn't?
440
00:19:29,702 --> 00:19:32,071
Have you met me?
The only way I can stomach
441
00:19:32,104 --> 00:19:34,741
any of this is knowing
I can just bail at any time.
442
00:19:34,774 --> 00:19:36,576
We can just... bail?
443
00:19:36,609 --> 00:19:38,845
Yeah. I always have
one foot out the door.
444
00:19:38,878 --> 00:19:39,879
With everything.
445
00:19:40,947 --> 00:19:42,815
Especially with us.
446
00:19:42,849 --> 00:19:44,851
So you might
just suddenly bounce?
447
00:19:44,884 --> 00:19:46,185
Any minute.
448
00:19:47,186 --> 00:19:48,888
I love you.
449
00:19:48,921 --> 00:19:50,223
Jimmy.
450
00:19:51,591 --> 00:19:52,959
(chuckles)
451
00:19:54,026 --> 00:19:55,595
Come here.
452
00:19:55,628 --> 00:19:56,963
(chuckles)
453
00:19:58,965 --> 00:20:02,269
*
454
00:20:02,302 --> 00:20:03,270
Listen,
455
00:20:03,303 --> 00:20:06,339
I'm sorry for earlier.
I reacted badly.
456
00:20:06,373 --> 00:20:07,440
Nah, you didn't.
457
00:20:07,474 --> 00:20:09,542
Yes, I did. And I'm sorry.
458
00:20:09,576 --> 00:20:11,444
Thank you.
459
00:20:11,478 --> 00:20:12,545
'Cause, honestly,
460
00:20:12,579 --> 00:20:14,947
your health is all that matters.
461
00:20:14,981 --> 00:20:17,116
We can just, like, have
a nontraditional thing.
462
00:20:17,149 --> 00:20:19,018
What do you mean?
463
00:20:19,051 --> 00:20:21,020
We don't have to have
penetrative sex.
464
00:20:21,053 --> 00:20:23,256
You know, you can just
go down on me for hours,
465
00:20:23,290 --> 00:20:24,724
like earlier.
(chuckles)
466
00:20:24,757 --> 00:20:27,126
Ha-ha. Or we can get
one of those sex toys
467
00:20:27,159 --> 00:20:28,227
that looks like a dolphin.
468
00:20:28,261 --> 00:20:30,062
Anyway,
469
00:20:30,096 --> 00:20:32,064
I am in this,
regardless of limitations
470
00:20:32,098 --> 00:20:33,566
or what we can't do anymore.
Okay?
471
00:20:40,139 --> 00:20:42,442
Thank you.
472
00:20:42,475 --> 00:20:44,210
I have to hit the restroom.
473
00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:46,245
Okay.
474
00:20:47,246 --> 00:20:49,649
*
475
00:21:13,139 --> 00:21:14,474
(hip-hop music playing)
476
00:21:18,277 --> 00:21:22,582
* I'm Steph Curry rapping,
getting digit, loads of paper *
477
00:21:22,615 --> 00:21:25,685
* Sippin' martinis, snuffin',
huffin' giga-loads of vapor *
478
00:21:25,718 --> 00:21:27,820
* Don Draper
* Paper palace
479
00:21:27,854 --> 00:21:29,589
* Your house is all papyrus
480
00:21:29,622 --> 00:21:32,625
* House of cards falling down,
round somebody killed Osiris *
481
00:21:32,659 --> 00:21:34,427
* Medicare, Medicaid
(kids giggling)
482
00:21:34,461 --> 00:21:36,262
* And all social services
483
00:21:36,295 --> 00:21:37,964
* Nervous kid,
I'll show your nervous grandma *
484
00:21:37,997 --> 00:21:39,432
* Just what nervous is
485
00:21:39,466 --> 00:21:42,535
* Shit-talking cops
like my name was Mel Gibson *
486
00:21:42,569 --> 00:21:45,705
* Sugar tits, honey dip,
choosy bitches prefer Tiffany *
487
00:21:45,738 --> 00:21:49,709
* I'm so sky high
while my mind's eye is boozy *
488
00:21:49,742 --> 00:21:52,445
* I deserve to be blown
before the Jacuzzi *
489
00:21:52,479 --> 00:21:56,483
* I deserve to be
blown before the Jacuzzi *
490
00:21:56,516 --> 00:21:58,618
* I deserve to be blown
before the Jacuzzi *
491
00:21:58,651 --> 00:22:02,722
* I deserve to be
blown before the Jacuzzi. *
492
00:22:02,755 --> 00:22:03,823
(music ends)
493
00:22:03,856 --> 00:22:05,792
(whoops)
(scattered applause)
494
00:22:05,825 --> 00:22:08,194
Now, as y'all know,
495
00:22:08,227 --> 00:22:11,030
me and these fools were beefin'.
496
00:22:11,063 --> 00:22:13,866
But squabbles is normal
in a family.
497
00:22:13,900 --> 00:22:17,236
So during that time,
we wrote a song
498
00:22:17,269 --> 00:22:20,039
that really speaks to the soul
of friendship in this
499
00:22:20,072 --> 00:22:21,708
incendiary cultural time.
500
00:22:21,741 --> 00:22:26,045
It's called
"New Phone, Who Dis?"
501
00:22:28,381 --> 00:22:31,317
(record scratching)
Where's that simple-ass
white bitch at?!
502
00:22:31,350 --> 00:22:32,552
White bitch!
503
00:22:32,585 --> 00:22:34,253
(record scratches)
504
00:22:34,286 --> 00:22:36,489
MAN (recorded):
Here's the classic sound
505
00:22:36,523 --> 00:22:38,658
of the red-winged blackbird.
(bird chirping)
506
00:22:38,691 --> 00:22:41,694
For our first meal,
dear wife, we are having
507
00:22:41,728 --> 00:22:44,597
hominy and
poblano pepper posole,
508
00:22:44,631 --> 00:22:47,199
with a warm mushroom salad
and rhubarb grits.
509
00:22:47,233 --> 00:22:48,535
Now, the chatters
510
00:22:48,568 --> 00:22:50,703
of a house wren.
(bird chirping)
511
00:22:50,737 --> 00:22:53,573
I picked up a demi-bottle
of Gewurztraminer.
512
00:22:53,606 --> 00:22:56,843
Obviously, you can't have any,
so I SodaStreamed
513
00:22:56,876 --> 00:23:01,581
some sparkling water
with yuzu for you-zou.
514
00:23:01,614 --> 00:23:03,450
Eastern meadowlarks
came to nest in our yard...
515
00:23:03,483 --> 00:23:04,784
PAUL:
Interesting fact:
516
00:23:04,817 --> 00:23:07,186
did you know an
average ear of corn
517
00:23:07,219 --> 00:23:09,288
has an even number
of rows,
518
00:23:09,321 --> 00:23:10,389
usually 16?
519
00:23:10,423 --> 00:23:13,392
And humans have 32 teeth.
520
00:23:13,426 --> 00:23:14,694
How's that for
521
00:23:14,727 --> 00:23:16,863
intra-kingdom
synergy?
522
00:23:16,896 --> 00:23:19,131
I'm so happy I get to do this
with you forever, wife.
523
00:23:21,067 --> 00:23:24,136
We have menus for
the next six months already.
524
00:23:24,170 --> 00:23:26,238
Thus, there are no surprises,
525
00:23:26,272 --> 00:23:27,239
ever.
526
00:23:27,273 --> 00:23:28,741
Okay, let's see.
527
00:23:28,775 --> 00:23:31,944
Menu number two is jerk venison
with smashed yams...
528
00:23:31,978 --> 00:23:33,580
(whimpers quietly)
529
00:23:33,613 --> 00:23:36,382
...and garlic-ginger okra. Yum!
530
00:23:36,415 --> 00:23:40,620
Lastly, we have the warbles
of an American goldfinch.
531
00:23:40,653 --> 00:23:41,554
(bird chirping)
532
00:23:41,588 --> 00:23:42,922
(echoing):
Meal number three is
533
00:23:42,955 --> 00:23:43,890
gomasio-spiced
534
00:23:43,923 --> 00:23:45,692
parsnip soup...
535
00:23:46,759 --> 00:23:48,294
(grunts)
536
00:23:48,327 --> 00:23:49,829
(exhales)
537
00:23:51,964 --> 00:23:53,600
(screaming)
538
00:23:55,635 --> 00:23:59,806
* When I first met you, baby
539
00:23:59,839 --> 00:24:02,909
* You were floating
540
00:24:02,942 --> 00:24:04,944
* Up above
541
00:24:08,047 --> 00:24:12,451
* I thought, maybe
542
00:24:12,485 --> 00:24:15,421
* This is it
543
00:24:15,454 --> 00:24:18,090
* This is love
544
00:24:18,124 --> 00:24:21,293
* I fell so hard
545
00:24:21,327 --> 00:24:24,931
* I fell so hard...
546
00:24:24,964 --> 00:24:27,900
(dog barks)
547
00:24:30,503 --> 00:24:33,906
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
37850
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
