All language subtitles for The.Machine.2023.1080p.10bit.WEBRip.6CH.X265.HEVC-PSASA_track5_[eng]

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:24,442 --> 00:00:27,445 {\an8}[audience cheering and applauding] 2 00:00:49,175 --> 00:00:51,469 [Bert] When I was 22, I got involved with the Russian mafia. 3 00:00:51,469 --> 00:00:52,928 Here's how it happened. 4 00:00:52,928 --> 00:00:55,014 [audience cheering] 5 00:00:56,056 --> 00:00:59,059 I went to school at Florida State. I was not a very good student. 6 00:00:59,894 --> 00:01:01,020 This is how bad I was. 7 00:01:01,020 --> 00:01:04,064 I signed up for a Russian class one time, thinking it was Spanish. 8 00:01:04,064 --> 00:01:06,108 And it took me three classes before I realized, 9 00:01:06,108 --> 00:01:08,486 -"I don't think this is Spanish." - [audience laughs] 10 00:01:08,486 --> 00:01:13,532 So I took Russian 1, 2, 3, and 4, never learned a fucking word. 11 00:01:13,532 --> 00:01:14,617 MOSCOW 12 00:01:14,617 --> 00:01:16,786 The end of Russian 4, same teacher pulls me aside. 13 00:01:16,786 --> 00:01:18,662 She's like, "Yo, we're taking a trip to Russia. 14 00:01:18,662 --> 00:01:20,331 If you go, you'll get a minor." 15 00:01:20,331 --> 00:01:22,666 I was like, "Strasvutsia, bitches, I'm back!" 16 00:01:22,666 --> 00:01:23,751 [audience laughs] 17 00:01:23,751 --> 00:01:25,753 We went to Russia. The Russian mob ran everything. 18 00:01:25,753 --> 00:01:27,338 {\an8}And they told us that our first night. 19 00:01:27,338 --> 00:01:29,757 {\an8}I'm in the back of the class like, "This trip just got fucking awesome." 20 00:01:29,757 --> 00:01:30,841 VOLGOVITCH CASINO 21 00:01:30,841 --> 00:01:33,928 Then, like, in exchange for our money, they gave us two young gangsters. 22 00:01:33,928 --> 00:01:35,971 The word for that in Russian is "banditti." 23 00:01:35,971 --> 00:01:38,390 [continues on TV] So I ended up befriending the banditti. 24 00:01:38,390 --> 00:01:40,643 [ominous music playing] 25 00:01:40,643 --> 00:01:44,396 Then, one night, the whole class is taking an overnight train trip to Moscow. 26 00:01:44,396 --> 00:01:47,274 We roll to the bar car like a big dick in a locker room. 27 00:01:47,274 --> 00:01:50,528 Just, not that I've ever been that guy, but I've seen it. 28 00:01:50,528 --> 00:01:53,113 So the banditti says to me, 29 00:01:53,113 --> 00:01:56,158 "Don't worry. When it gets dark, we have good time." 30 00:01:56,158 --> 00:01:58,244 I'm like, "What are we doing when it gets dark?" 31 00:01:59,078 --> 00:02:01,163 Reaches into his pocket, pulls a ring of keys out. 32 00:02:01,163 --> 00:02:03,499 He goes, "We're robbing the whole fucking train." 33 00:02:03,499 --> 00:02:04,583 Now... 34 00:02:07,545 --> 00:02:09,880 I'm a good per-- I'm an okay person. 35 00:02:09,880 --> 00:02:11,465 [audience laughs] 36 00:02:11,465 --> 00:02:13,676 My point is, we fucking robbed them. 37 00:02:13,676 --> 00:02:15,553 [music intensifies] 38 00:02:15,553 --> 00:02:18,597 We robbed the whole train, and then we drank hard as shit. 39 00:02:19,223 --> 00:02:22,810 Pull in to Moscow at 6 a.m., hammered, piss drunk. Train stops. 40 00:02:22,810 --> 00:02:23,727 [in Russian] It is him. 41 00:02:23,727 --> 00:02:25,521 My whole class, they're in their pajamas. 42 00:02:25,521 --> 00:02:27,523 They're upset. They've been robbed. I get it. 43 00:02:27,523 --> 00:02:32,152 [in Russian] I want what you stole, Machine! 44 00:02:32,152 --> 00:02:33,946 - [gunshots] -I'm the Machine! 45 00:02:33,946 --> 00:02:37,741 They look at me and look at each other and they're like, "Fuck it! He's the Machine!" 46 00:02:37,741 --> 00:02:40,828 [dramatic music playing] 47 00:02:43,289 --> 00:02:46,292 {\an8}["Torn" playing] 48 00:02:50,796 --> 00:02:54,717 ♪ I thought I saw a man brought to life ♪ 49 00:02:56,468 --> 00:03:01,473 {\an8}♪ He was warm He came around like he was dignified ♪ 50 00:03:02,725 --> 00:03:05,811 {\an8}♪ He showed me what it was to cry ♪ 51 00:03:07,438 --> 00:03:11,859 {\an8}♪ Well, you couldn't be That one I adored ♪ 52 00:03:13,235 --> 00:03:18,365 {\an8}♪ You don't seem to know Seem to care what your heart is for ♪ 53 00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:22,369 ♪ But I don't know you anymore ♪ 54 00:03:22,369 --> 00:03:28,751 {\an8}♪ There's nothing where you used to lie Our conversation has run dry ♪ 55 00:03:29,501 --> 00:03:35,132 {\an8}♪ That's what's going on Nothing's fine, I'm torn ♪ 56 00:03:35,132 --> 00:03:40,804 ♪ I'm all out of faith This is how I feel ♪ 57 00:03:40,804 --> 00:03:46,727 {\an8}♪ I'm cold and I am shamed Lying naked on the floor ♪ 58 00:03:46,727 --> 00:03:52,107 {\an8}♪ Illusion never changed Into something real ♪ 59 00:03:52,107 --> 00:03:57,738 {\an8}♪ I'm wide awake and I can see The perfect sky is torn ♪ 60 00:03:57,738 --> 00:04:03,285 {\an8}♪ You're a little late, I'm already torn ♪ 61 00:04:13,420 --> 00:04:15,631 ♪ I'm already torn ♪ 62 00:04:16,507 --> 00:04:19,218 ♪ I'm already torn ♪ 63 00:04:19,218 --> 00:04:21,845 {\an8}♪ I'm already torn ♪ 64 00:04:25,474 --> 00:04:27,476 [song fades] 65 00:04:27,476 --> 00:04:28,769 [man] Okay. 66 00:04:28,769 --> 00:04:32,648 {\an8}So, Bert, how we doing today? 67 00:04:32,648 --> 00:04:34,316 {\an8}I feel fantastic. 68 00:04:35,150 --> 00:04:36,902 I'm eating clean. I'm working out. 69 00:04:36,902 --> 00:04:38,278 Blood pressure's down. 70 00:04:38,779 --> 00:04:40,489 No more partying. [chuckles] 71 00:04:40,489 --> 00:04:43,742 I haven't called anyone in this room the C-word in almost three months, huh? 72 00:04:44,410 --> 00:04:45,995 He's never called Tat a C-word. 73 00:04:45,995 --> 00:04:48,205 - Oh, she's never acted like a C-word. - Thanks, Dad. 74 00:04:48,205 --> 00:04:50,249 - So Mom and I act like C-words? - [Bert laughs] 75 00:04:50,249 --> 00:04:51,458 You'd be shocked. 76 00:04:51,458 --> 00:04:53,293 - Wait. Just leave it there. - Mom! Mom? 77 00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:54,211 - Okay. Okay. - [Sasha] Mom. 78 00:04:54,211 --> 00:04:55,254 - Mom. - I'm still waiting. 79 00:04:55,254 --> 00:04:57,131 - All right! - That's not fair. 80 00:04:57,631 --> 00:04:59,258 Bert, why are we here? 81 00:04:59,967 --> 00:05:02,594 Well, I wanted you guys to see the progress that I've made. 82 00:05:02,594 --> 00:05:03,887 To see how far I've come. 83 00:05:03,887 --> 00:05:07,057 Personal growth isn't something that you need to point out. 84 00:05:07,057 --> 00:05:10,102 Progress is something that your family should be noticing on their own. 85 00:05:10,102 --> 00:05:12,771 Bro, that's why they're here, to notice it. 86 00:05:12,771 --> 00:05:15,107 Hey, if you're not on my team, shut the fuck up, okay? 87 00:05:15,107 --> 00:05:17,276 Okay, no. Has Bert ever talked about his father? 88 00:05:17,276 --> 00:05:18,569 - No. - [Bert] This has absolutely 89 00:05:18,569 --> 00:05:20,446 - nothing to do with my father. - Huh. 90 00:05:21,030 --> 00:05:23,073 I had an incident with my daughter. 91 00:05:23,073 --> 00:05:24,241 An incident. 92 00:05:24,241 --> 00:05:27,411 That was caused by my lifestyle and my behavior. 93 00:05:28,120 --> 00:05:30,247 And I am taking actions to course-correct. 94 00:05:30,247 --> 00:05:31,582 [LeeAnn] And you should know 95 00:05:31,582 --> 00:05:34,626 that he sounds just like his father when he talks like that. 96 00:05:34,626 --> 00:05:35,586 - [Bert] Hold on. - Yes. 97 00:05:35,586 --> 00:05:37,379 - My father doesn't understand me. - Same. 98 00:05:37,379 --> 00:05:38,881 Not same. Not same. 99 00:05:38,881 --> 00:05:40,632 My father's always correcting me. 100 00:05:40,632 --> 00:05:42,259 - Same, same. - Not same, same! 101 00:05:42,259 --> 00:05:44,720 Your relationship with me is totally different 102 00:05:44,720 --> 00:05:46,138 than my relationship with Papa. 103 00:05:46,138 --> 00:05:48,682 Okay, girls, please, can you wait outside? 104 00:05:48,682 --> 00:05:50,809 Perfect. Come on, Tat. 105 00:05:51,810 --> 00:05:52,811 Deuces. 106 00:05:52,811 --> 00:05:53,729 [door opens] 107 00:05:53,729 --> 00:05:54,897 - Ho, ho. - [LeeAnne scoffs] 108 00:05:54,897 --> 00:05:55,814 [door closes] 109 00:05:55,814 --> 00:05:57,733 - So you can see what's going on here? - [Bert] Yeah. 110 00:05:57,733 --> 00:05:59,693 - You just saw that, right? - Yes. 111 00:06:01,278 --> 00:06:02,696 You-- Oh... 112 00:06:03,363 --> 00:06:05,282 Wait. You're talking about me? 113 00:06:05,282 --> 00:06:06,450 Oh, yes. 114 00:06:06,450 --> 00:06:07,743 Oh, fuck off. 115 00:06:07,743 --> 00:06:09,870 Fuck off? Fuck you! Fuck off! 116 00:06:09,870 --> 00:06:11,538 Oh, I didn't say it like, "Fuck off!" 117 00:06:11,538 --> 00:06:14,083 - I said, "Fuck off." - You do not tell me "fuck off." 118 00:06:14,083 --> 00:06:15,709 It's my therapy. I can say whatever I want, right? 119 00:06:15,709 --> 00:06:17,961 - Actually, you can't. - No, like, you signed an oath! 120 00:06:17,961 --> 00:06:22,925 Hey! I am going to allow the two of you to talk about his issues with his father. 121 00:06:23,550 --> 00:06:24,468 Deuces, Bert. 122 00:06:24,468 --> 00:06:25,385 [door opens] 123 00:06:25,969 --> 00:06:26,845 [door slams] 124 00:06:30,057 --> 00:06:31,892 You know the C-word's "cunt," right? 125 00:06:31,892 --> 00:06:32,935 [Bert] Okay. Here we go. 126 00:06:32,935 --> 00:06:34,311 Okay. One last push. 127 00:06:34,311 --> 00:06:36,605 - You can get it all in. Get it all in. - [LeeAnn groans] 128 00:06:36,605 --> 00:06:38,482 We got it. It's gonna-- Getting it in! 129 00:06:38,482 --> 00:06:40,025 15 minutes! 15... 130 00:06:40,025 --> 00:06:41,819 Hey, babe! Look who's up! 131 00:06:41,819 --> 00:06:43,779 [treadmill whirring] 132 00:06:43,779 --> 00:06:45,405 Babe, 96 workouts in a row, 133 00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:47,825 and I still feel like I'm sweating out toxins. 134 00:06:47,825 --> 00:06:50,160 - Still smells like your skin is pissing. - Two more. 135 00:06:50,160 --> 00:06:53,247 One more. Nice. Ho, ho! 136 00:06:54,164 --> 00:06:55,499 - Hey. - [clatters] 137 00:06:56,583 --> 00:06:59,044 Do you think people are gonna think I'm on HGH? Feel that. 138 00:06:59,044 --> 00:07:00,546 - Uh... - Feel my tit. 139 00:07:00,546 --> 00:07:02,798 No, like full-handed. Full-handed. Grab it. 140 00:07:02,798 --> 00:07:04,967 There you go. Nice. 141 00:07:04,967 --> 00:07:06,385 [laughs] I'm making smoothies. 142 00:07:06,385 --> 00:07:08,595 [yells] Who wants smoothies? 143 00:07:08,595 --> 00:07:09,847 [whirring] 144 00:07:09,847 --> 00:07:11,557 [Sasha] Mom, can you please tell him 145 00:07:11,557 --> 00:07:14,351 not to do anything embarrassing at my party today? 146 00:07:14,351 --> 00:07:18,021 Whoa! So that's how we're gonna start our morning? 147 00:07:18,021 --> 00:07:20,315 I haven't done anything publicly embarrassing 148 00:07:20,315 --> 00:07:22,067 in almost three months. 149 00:07:24,111 --> 00:07:25,112 Okay. 150 00:07:25,779 --> 00:07:27,197 But don't go overboard this time. 151 00:07:27,197 --> 00:07:29,158 I just want it to be with my friends. 152 00:07:29,158 --> 00:07:30,117 What friends? 153 00:07:30,117 --> 00:07:31,618 Don-- Eas-- Le-- 154 00:07:31,618 --> 00:07:33,287 - So not cool. - Don't. 155 00:07:33,912 --> 00:07:35,956 Are those nut sacks? 156 00:07:35,956 --> 00:07:37,291 No. 157 00:07:37,291 --> 00:07:39,459 It's a pimple for Dr. Pimple Popper. 158 00:07:39,459 --> 00:07:42,004 Oh, you don't think that's a little gross? 159 00:07:42,004 --> 00:07:43,755 Uh, it's totally gross. 160 00:07:43,755 --> 00:07:45,424 That's why Sasha and I love it. 161 00:07:45,424 --> 00:07:46,884 If you think about it, 162 00:07:46,884 --> 00:07:50,137 it's kind of like a metaphor for her exploding into womanhood. 163 00:07:53,599 --> 00:07:55,309 What is wrong with this shirt? 164 00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:00,147 Supposed to be like this? 165 00:08:04,484 --> 00:08:05,485 Hey, babe. 166 00:08:06,570 --> 00:08:08,780 If I stand like this, does it look tucked in? 167 00:08:09,823 --> 00:08:11,283 Don't wear that shirt. 168 00:08:12,492 --> 00:08:13,327 All right. 169 00:08:14,286 --> 00:08:15,913 What are these, my dad's shirts? 170 00:08:16,538 --> 00:08:17,456 [sighs] 171 00:08:18,332 --> 00:08:20,334 Can you please help me pick out a shirt? 172 00:08:22,294 --> 00:08:23,128 Okay. 173 00:08:23,128 --> 00:08:26,590 I think that this therapy is making everything worse. 174 00:08:26,590 --> 00:08:28,425 I think you need to get back on-stage. 175 00:08:28,425 --> 00:08:30,969 [laughs] That's definitely not happening. 176 00:08:30,969 --> 00:08:32,971 - Why? - Sit down. 177 00:08:35,057 --> 00:08:37,017 Have you ever seen The Nutty Professor? 178 00:08:37,017 --> 00:08:39,061 - Uh, no, I have not. - Okay. 179 00:08:39,061 --> 00:08:41,021 Eddie Murphy turns into this one guy, 180 00:08:41,021 --> 00:08:42,314 which is great at first. 181 00:08:42,314 --> 00:08:44,399 But then his family starts hating him 182 00:08:44,399 --> 00:08:46,485 and he starts hating himself. 183 00:08:47,027 --> 00:08:47,861 Uh-- 184 00:08:49,363 --> 00:08:50,364 Look. 185 00:08:54,284 --> 00:08:56,370 I'm the Machine on-stage. 186 00:08:56,370 --> 00:08:58,747 I'm also the Machine off-stage. 187 00:08:59,998 --> 00:09:01,375 I got high and I got drunk, 188 00:09:01,375 --> 00:09:03,126 and I almost got our daughter arrested. 189 00:09:03,126 --> 00:09:04,670 I saw the look in her face. 190 00:09:05,754 --> 00:09:07,506 I was helpless and I couldn't do anything, 191 00:09:07,506 --> 00:09:09,466 and I wanted to kill myself. 192 00:09:11,051 --> 00:09:13,262 I will never let that happen to our family again. 193 00:09:13,262 --> 00:09:16,348 [pensive music playing] 194 00:09:17,015 --> 00:09:19,893 Well, fuck, now I wanna watch The Nutty Professor. 195 00:09:19,893 --> 00:09:22,187 It's a pretty good movie. I wish you had watched it. 196 00:09:22,187 --> 00:09:24,398 It's exactly what I'm going through right now. 197 00:09:24,398 --> 00:09:28,151 Maybe for now, for today, we keep it simple. 198 00:09:30,529 --> 00:09:32,239 - I can do simple. - Yeah? 199 00:09:33,031 --> 00:09:36,034 [rock music playing over speakers] 200 00:09:40,122 --> 00:09:41,540 [Bert] There she is. 201 00:09:41,540 --> 00:09:42,874 There's my birthday girl. 202 00:09:42,874 --> 00:09:45,210 Hey, Sash, what do you think of the party? 203 00:09:45,877 --> 00:09:46,753 It's kind of big. 204 00:09:46,753 --> 00:09:48,422 Kind of big and awesome, right? 205 00:09:48,422 --> 00:09:51,008 Hey, Bert, does the DJ have any glitchcore? 206 00:09:51,008 --> 00:09:52,134 Hey, Madison... 207 00:09:55,470 --> 00:09:56,680 I'll go check. 208 00:09:56,680 --> 00:09:58,640 - Hey. Hey. - What's up? 209 00:09:58,640 --> 00:10:00,600 I thought you said you invited, like, ten people. 210 00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:02,227 Oh, no. I invited a ton. 211 00:10:02,227 --> 00:10:03,854 Well, you can't risk no-shows, babe. 212 00:10:03,854 --> 00:10:05,897 And partying with six people is fucking depressing. 213 00:10:05,897 --> 00:10:07,816 I even invited parents that hate me. 214 00:10:07,816 --> 00:10:10,068 - What's up, Madison's mom? - Oh. Hm. 215 00:10:10,777 --> 00:10:12,612 That guy's a bitch. He is such a... 216 00:10:12,612 --> 00:10:14,197 She's going through a divorce. Be nice. 217 00:10:14,197 --> 00:10:15,324 - Seriously? - Mm-hm. 218 00:10:15,324 --> 00:10:17,075 Hey, hey. This is a sweet 16. 219 00:10:17,075 --> 00:10:19,328 - It's a big deal. - Yeah, for Sash. 220 00:10:19,328 --> 00:10:21,621 I think Skeletor over there must be the DJ. 221 00:10:21,621 --> 00:10:23,123 Can you tell him where to set up? 222 00:10:23,123 --> 00:10:24,583 Yeah. Hey, Trainspotting. 223 00:10:24,583 --> 00:10:27,210 You have any glitchcore? Wait, is that my boom box? 224 00:10:27,836 --> 00:10:28,670 Yeah. 225 00:10:29,212 --> 00:10:31,923 - Is that my auxiliary cord? - Yeah. 226 00:10:31,923 --> 00:10:33,717 Oh, do you want my phone? 227 00:10:34,676 --> 00:10:35,677 Nah. 228 00:10:39,639 --> 00:10:40,932 Fucking disgusting. 229 00:10:40,932 --> 00:10:42,559 Hey, don't do that around the kids. 230 00:10:42,559 --> 00:10:45,771 Actually, you know what? Stay away from the kids. We got music! I think. 231 00:10:45,771 --> 00:10:47,939 Gentlemen, what are you doing up here? Girls are in the pool. 232 00:10:47,939 --> 00:10:49,107 They're talking about you. Jump in. 233 00:10:49,107 --> 00:10:50,859 Take your shirts off. Don't piss in my pool. 234 00:10:50,859 --> 00:10:53,445 - Yo, Machine. - Not today, brother. Not today. 235 00:10:53,445 --> 00:10:56,531 Ladies. Steer clear of the DJ. Food's to the right, all right? 236 00:10:56,531 --> 00:10:57,908 Hey, Kreischer, no booze? 237 00:10:57,908 --> 00:10:59,826 Hey, Madison's mom, no husband? 238 00:10:59,826 --> 00:11:01,870 [laughs] Fucking bitch. 239 00:11:01,870 --> 00:11:03,997 Oh, ho-ho-ho! 240 00:11:04,539 --> 00:11:06,958 Killing it, B-Man. Killing it. 241 00:11:08,752 --> 00:11:10,837 [man clicking tongue and making popping sounds] 242 00:11:10,837 --> 00:11:12,130 Hey there. 243 00:11:12,714 --> 00:11:15,717 [tense music playing] 244 00:11:16,843 --> 00:11:18,095 Dad? 245 00:11:18,095 --> 00:11:19,346 In the flesh. 246 00:11:23,767 --> 00:11:24,768 [chuckles] 247 00:11:24,768 --> 00:11:27,771 I see you haven't given up trying to learn how to barbecue. 248 00:11:27,771 --> 00:11:29,022 Good for you, son. 249 00:11:29,022 --> 00:11:31,566 Wait, what are you doing here? 250 00:11:32,317 --> 00:11:35,487 Well, I'm not gonna miss my grandkid's sweet 16. 251 00:11:35,487 --> 00:11:36,947 It's a big day. 252 00:11:38,657 --> 00:11:40,700 Right. Right. 253 00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:43,161 Well... 254 00:11:47,332 --> 00:11:51,128 [clicking tongue and making popping sounds] 255 00:11:56,007 --> 00:11:57,509 Not gonna flip 'em yet, huh? 256 00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:03,140 Might be... Eh, it's okay, it's okay. 257 00:12:03,140 --> 00:12:04,516 Really? 258 00:12:04,516 --> 00:12:07,144 Well, I just don't want you to mess 'em up. 259 00:12:07,811 --> 00:12:09,771 You know, then people will be disappointed. 260 00:12:09,771 --> 00:12:11,148 You'll feel bad. 261 00:12:11,148 --> 00:12:13,692 It'll be all that, "Huh, remember Bert's barbecue? 262 00:12:13,692 --> 00:12:15,902 - Those burgers, yikes." - Goddamn it. 263 00:12:15,902 --> 00:12:17,320 Oh, see? 264 00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:18,780 Did you add egg to the mix? 265 00:12:18,780 --> 00:12:21,783 - Okay, Dad. - It binds. It moisturizes. 266 00:12:21,783 --> 00:12:23,326 Makes a much better burger. 267 00:12:23,326 --> 00:12:25,662 - Oh. - My dad showed up. 268 00:12:25,662 --> 00:12:26,955 - From Florida? - Yeah. 269 00:12:26,955 --> 00:12:29,875 And it took about two seconds before he started making me mental with the: 270 00:12:29,875 --> 00:12:30,792 [clicking tongue] 271 00:12:30,792 --> 00:12:33,795 - Look at him! - Hey, Boo Bear! Hi! 272 00:12:34,296 --> 00:12:35,589 He's a monster. 273 00:12:35,589 --> 00:12:37,007 - Oh! - Oh. 274 00:12:37,007 --> 00:12:39,092 Okay, yeah. Breathe it out there, champ. 275 00:12:39,092 --> 00:12:40,844 - [Tatiana] Hey, hey, Dad? - Yes! 276 00:12:40,844 --> 00:12:43,054 Yeah, no. The dog's pooping in the pool. 277 00:12:43,054 --> 00:12:44,431 - What? - [girl] Gross! 278 00:12:44,431 --> 00:12:45,557 Wait, how? 279 00:12:45,557 --> 00:12:48,727 You paid money to see my son take off his shirt 280 00:12:48,727 --> 00:12:51,271 and tell his made-up story about robbing a train in Russia? 281 00:12:51,271 --> 00:12:53,482 Dad, for the millionth time, it's a true story. 282 00:12:53,482 --> 00:12:54,858 It's my job, okay? 283 00:12:54,858 --> 00:12:56,443 [man] And you should get back on-stage. 284 00:12:56,443 --> 00:12:58,737 'Cause I've seen you only, like, five times. 285 00:12:58,737 --> 00:13:01,156 You paid to see him five times? 286 00:13:01,990 --> 00:13:04,451 I'm just shocked that people would actually do that. 287 00:13:04,451 --> 00:13:05,452 [Bert] Dad. 288 00:13:05,452 --> 00:13:07,287 [Albert] You don't buy carpet five times. 289 00:13:07,287 --> 00:13:11,333 - Bye, Papa. - Oh, sweetheart. 290 00:13:11,333 --> 00:13:12,667 [Sasha] I'm sorry, I'm gonna go. 291 00:13:12,667 --> 00:13:14,169 [Albert] Oh, don't worry about that. 292 00:13:14,169 --> 00:13:18,798 And you remember, you can call me anytime whenever you want to talk about... 293 00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:20,008 Well, you know. 294 00:13:20,884 --> 00:13:23,303 - All right. Bye. - [Bert] Whoa, whoa, whoa! 295 00:13:23,303 --> 00:13:25,180 Wait, where are you going? Hold on. 296 00:13:25,180 --> 00:13:27,015 - Bye, Bert. - Mr. Kreischer. Hey, stop! 297 00:13:27,015 --> 00:13:28,266 - What? - Where are you going? 298 00:13:28,266 --> 00:13:30,435 Mads asked me to go to Big Bear for, like, three days. 299 00:13:30,435 --> 00:13:33,230 You are not going anywhere. Hey, you're 16 years old. 300 00:13:33,230 --> 00:13:36,316 You're not going to Big Bear 'cause I know you're gonna drink beer and smoke pot. 301 00:13:36,316 --> 00:13:38,610 I'll be fine because I'm not you. Okay? 302 00:13:38,610 --> 00:13:40,779 Okay, stop. That's fair. That's fair. 303 00:13:40,779 --> 00:13:43,240 I deserve that. I deserve that. Okay? 304 00:13:43,240 --> 00:13:46,409 Hey. Look at me. Look at me. Don't go. 305 00:13:46,409 --> 00:13:47,953 We wrap up this party, me and you, 306 00:13:47,953 --> 00:13:50,080 hang out tonight, we'll watch Dr. Pimple Popper. 307 00:13:50,789 --> 00:13:53,041 I don't even watch that show anymore, Dad. 308 00:13:53,041 --> 00:13:55,126 And I don't even know half of these people here. 309 00:13:55,126 --> 00:13:56,461 What, are you kidding me? 310 00:13:56,962 --> 00:13:59,047 You know-- What about this guy? You know this guy. 311 00:13:59,047 --> 00:14:00,298 - Ray Ray. - You know Ray Ray. 312 00:14:00,298 --> 00:14:02,384 Dad, I said I wanted a small party, 313 00:14:02,384 --> 00:14:04,844 and you promised that you wouldn't embarrass me. 314 00:14:05,512 --> 00:14:07,180 I'm just trying to be a good dad. 315 00:14:07,180 --> 00:14:08,265 See? 316 00:14:08,265 --> 00:14:09,975 It's about you. 317 00:14:09,975 --> 00:14:12,936 - It's always about you! - What are you talking about? 318 00:14:12,936 --> 00:14:15,689 How did I make it about...? How did you flip that? 319 00:14:15,689 --> 00:14:17,148 Don't do that! Don't leave! 320 00:14:17,148 --> 00:14:18,900 Don't you flip me off! 321 00:14:18,900 --> 00:14:20,443 Don't you get in that car! 322 00:14:20,443 --> 00:14:22,112 Don't get-- See? 323 00:14:22,112 --> 00:14:24,906 This is the C-word behavior I was talking about in therapy! 324 00:14:24,906 --> 00:14:27,284 I'm not saying it! I'm just pointing it out! 325 00:14:31,705 --> 00:14:33,248 [sobs] 326 00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:36,501 It's your fat fucking fault! Asshole! 327 00:14:37,335 --> 00:14:38,587 Goddamn it. 328 00:14:46,845 --> 00:14:47,929 Son? 329 00:14:48,722 --> 00:14:49,723 Not now, Dad. 330 00:14:50,599 --> 00:14:51,474 Uh... 331 00:14:51,474 --> 00:14:53,059 We should... 332 00:14:54,311 --> 00:14:55,312 You know... 333 00:14:56,313 --> 00:14:58,857 if you're searching for a new path, 334 00:14:59,691 --> 00:15:02,736 there's always room for you at Kreischer Karpets. 335 00:15:03,945 --> 00:15:06,448 I'm good, Dad, okay? I'm good. I promise. 336 00:15:06,448 --> 00:15:07,657 Just give me a minute. 337 00:15:08,617 --> 00:15:09,618 Well... 338 00:15:10,327 --> 00:15:14,080 I just wasn't sure, you know, how you're making money 339 00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:18,168 if you're not doing the whole comedy thing anymore. 340 00:15:19,002 --> 00:15:21,296 Hey, I'm a grown man. 341 00:15:21,296 --> 00:15:22,464 I'll figure it out, okay? 342 00:15:22,464 --> 00:15:24,424 Yeah, all right, all right, you know. 343 00:15:25,175 --> 00:15:26,301 Just trying to help. 344 00:15:26,301 --> 00:15:28,053 Hold on right there. 345 00:15:28,053 --> 00:15:30,764 No, you're not. You're never trying to help, Dad. 346 00:15:30,764 --> 00:15:31,973 That's the point. 347 00:15:31,973 --> 00:15:35,060 When I got in trouble, what did you say to me? "Oh, don't be an idiot." 348 00:15:35,060 --> 00:15:38,229 My advice to you was don't do stupid things in public, 349 00:15:38,229 --> 00:15:40,273 - especially with the children. - Oh, same thing! 350 00:15:40,273 --> 00:15:41,691 Which is good advice. 351 00:15:41,691 --> 00:15:43,610 And you and Sasha wouldn't be where you were 352 00:15:43,610 --> 00:15:45,445 if you'd only listened to me. 353 00:15:45,445 --> 00:15:46,863 - [door opens] - Oh, my God. 354 00:15:46,863 --> 00:15:50,116 Ma'am, the party's outside. Okay? 355 00:15:50,116 --> 00:15:51,785 Are you the Machine? 356 00:15:51,785 --> 00:15:53,411 Oh, shit. 357 00:15:55,121 --> 00:15:57,082 Yeah, I am. And I can do a picture in a second. 358 00:15:57,082 --> 00:16:00,210 I'm kind of having a private moment with my father, okay? 359 00:16:01,878 --> 00:16:04,339 I'm here for the pocket watch 360 00:16:04,339 --> 00:16:08,176 stolen on a train in Russia 23 years ago 361 00:16:08,176 --> 00:16:09,886 by you. 362 00:16:11,179 --> 00:16:12,013 Okay. 363 00:16:12,597 --> 00:16:14,516 I'm having a shitshow day. 364 00:16:14,516 --> 00:16:17,811 So if this is some sort of TikTok prank, I'm about to lose my fucking shit. 365 00:16:17,811 --> 00:16:18,728 [laughs] 366 00:16:18,728 --> 00:16:21,940 It's definitely a prank. Clearly, that's a fake gun. 367 00:16:22,649 --> 00:16:24,609 - [Bert yelps] - [whimpers] Or not! 368 00:16:24,609 --> 00:16:26,653 - She's got a fucking gun, Dad! - Yeah, I'm clear on that now. 369 00:16:26,653 --> 00:16:28,196 - Sit down! - Yes, ma'am. 370 00:16:28,196 --> 00:16:32,367 - [ominous music playing] - My name is Irina Ivanona Volgina. 371 00:16:32,367 --> 00:16:35,578 And I suggest you start remembering. 372 00:16:36,162 --> 00:16:38,289 It was 20 years ago. I barely remember that trip. 373 00:16:38,289 --> 00:16:40,709 I don't have a watch, and it's definitely not here. 374 00:16:40,709 --> 00:16:43,420 Then you're coming with me back to Russia to find it. 375 00:16:43,420 --> 00:16:44,921 Russia? [yells] 376 00:16:44,921 --> 00:16:47,006 - [grunts] - Look at your daughter. 377 00:16:48,842 --> 00:16:50,760 So innocent. 378 00:16:50,760 --> 00:16:52,220 So pure. 379 00:16:52,804 --> 00:16:54,889 So vulnerable. 380 00:16:56,141 --> 00:16:57,600 Do you see that man? 381 00:16:58,351 --> 00:16:59,686 [Bert] DJ Chemo? 382 00:16:59,686 --> 00:17:01,646 He will follow her on her trip. 383 00:17:02,313 --> 00:17:04,065 If you do not find my watch, 384 00:17:04,065 --> 00:17:05,525 he kills her. 385 00:17:08,194 --> 00:17:11,448 If you try to run, he kills her. 386 00:17:13,158 --> 00:17:16,244 You say a word about this to anyone... 387 00:17:18,288 --> 00:17:19,289 he kills her. 388 00:17:19,289 --> 00:17:20,874 Okay. Okay. 389 00:17:20,874 --> 00:17:23,835 I'll do whatever you want. Just let my daughter go. 390 00:17:25,295 --> 00:17:27,464 Listen, I'll do whatever you want. 391 00:17:28,381 --> 00:17:30,925 Just don't hurt my daughter. And let my father go, all right? 392 00:17:30,925 --> 00:17:33,344 He wasn't supposed to be here. He wasn't even invited. 393 00:17:35,013 --> 00:17:38,099 - I'm going with you. - Dad, you're not going with me. 394 00:17:38,099 --> 00:17:41,102 I wouldn't be able to live with myself if you failed to protect Sasha. 395 00:17:41,102 --> 00:17:43,897 - Dad, stop! You're not going! - He goes! 396 00:17:44,647 --> 00:17:47,275 If you need persuading in Russia, 397 00:17:47,275 --> 00:17:48,860 he might be useful. 398 00:17:50,737 --> 00:17:51,905 For torture. 399 00:17:52,614 --> 00:17:53,740 The car is waiting. 400 00:17:53,740 --> 00:17:55,283 We leave now. 401 00:17:58,536 --> 00:18:00,205 Dad, put your fucking hands down. 402 00:18:01,414 --> 00:18:03,208 Excuse me. Hey, Albert? 403 00:18:04,417 --> 00:18:06,044 Hold, hold, hold, wait up. 404 00:18:06,044 --> 00:18:09,255 Oh, my God. I haven't even seen you yet. I'm so sorry I haven't said hi. 405 00:18:09,255 --> 00:18:10,673 - Hello. - Hello, dear. 406 00:18:10,673 --> 00:18:12,759 - There are so many people here. - [Albert] Mm-hm. 407 00:18:12,759 --> 00:18:14,636 Hi. Oh, who is this? 408 00:18:14,636 --> 00:18:17,972 Uh... this is our, uh, Uber driver, uh, Sylvia. 409 00:18:17,972 --> 00:18:19,224 Sylvia. 410 00:18:19,224 --> 00:18:22,727 Hi. Your Uber driver? 411 00:18:22,727 --> 00:18:23,728 Where are you going? 412 00:18:23,728 --> 00:18:25,021 - Uh... - Um... 413 00:18:26,773 --> 00:18:27,899 [LeeAnn] Oh, my God. 414 00:18:28,483 --> 00:18:29,692 Yeah. I see what's going on. 415 00:18:29,692 --> 00:18:31,694 You two are gonna follow Sasha to Big Bear. 416 00:18:31,694 --> 00:18:33,780 - Yes, we are. - Exactly. Big Bear, yes. 417 00:18:33,780 --> 00:18:35,448 Cool. Great. Well, you know what? 418 00:18:35,448 --> 00:18:37,408 I'll just stay home, take care of everything, 419 00:18:37,408 --> 00:18:41,955 and the two of you can just fuck off on your creepy, little, puritanical-- 420 00:18:43,623 --> 00:18:45,875 [ominous music continues] 421 00:18:48,169 --> 00:18:50,338 I love you. I'm sorry. Kiss Tats for me. 422 00:18:50,338 --> 00:18:51,422 Dad, let's go. 423 00:18:52,423 --> 00:18:53,424 Where...? 424 00:18:54,133 --> 00:18:55,760 Good work, Kreischers. 425 00:18:57,095 --> 00:19:00,431 [Irina] This is my bodyguard, Sponge. 426 00:19:00,431 --> 00:19:02,600 Sponge, like you absorb liquids? 427 00:19:02,600 --> 00:19:05,478 Absorb bullets. [laughs] 428 00:19:12,527 --> 00:19:15,530 [music turns dramatic] 429 00:19:26,416 --> 00:19:28,418 [in Russian] Two? You said one. 430 00:19:29,419 --> 00:19:31,421 Still think I made the story up? 431 00:19:31,838 --> 00:19:34,340 [in Russian] You cannot bring both. 432 00:19:34,340 --> 00:19:35,758 Too many questions! 433 00:19:35,758 --> 00:19:36,676 [groans] 434 00:19:36,676 --> 00:19:38,261 [in Russian] Oh, fuck! 435 00:19:38,887 --> 00:19:41,764 Never tell me what I can do. Ever! 436 00:19:41,764 --> 00:19:42,765 [man whimpers] 437 00:19:45,393 --> 00:19:46,436 Move it. 438 00:19:56,404 --> 00:20:00,450 [in English] They said Machine had ice in veins. 439 00:20:00,450 --> 00:20:02,785 Could walk through the walls. 440 00:20:02,785 --> 00:20:05,663 Drink more than any man. 441 00:20:07,123 --> 00:20:08,958 I grew up hearing this myth. 442 00:20:10,460 --> 00:20:11,544 You. 443 00:20:16,215 --> 00:20:17,592 You're fat. 444 00:20:18,718 --> 00:20:20,553 And you have tits. 445 00:20:20,553 --> 00:20:22,472 Very disturbing. 446 00:20:22,472 --> 00:20:25,475 That's body-shaming. And honestly, I expect more empathy out of a woman. 447 00:20:25,475 --> 00:20:26,976 Such a disappointment. 448 00:20:26,976 --> 00:20:30,688 Like opening peanuts and joke snake pop out. 449 00:20:30,688 --> 00:20:32,315 Enjoy your flight, Machine. 450 00:20:32,315 --> 00:20:34,317 It will probably be your last. 451 00:20:36,152 --> 00:20:39,155 ["Welcome to Russia" playing] 452 00:20:51,793 --> 00:20:53,336 [yells] 453 00:21:03,513 --> 00:21:04,806 [yells] 454 00:21:07,850 --> 00:21:09,519 - [laughing] - [cheering] 455 00:21:12,063 --> 00:21:15,108 All right. When we land, I'm gonna create a diversion. 456 00:21:15,108 --> 00:21:17,402 What I want you to do is go to the embassy. 457 00:21:17,402 --> 00:21:18,319 Dad. 458 00:21:18,319 --> 00:21:21,280 Now, these people really know what they're doing around the grill. 459 00:21:21,280 --> 00:21:23,282 How can you eat at a time like this? 460 00:21:23,282 --> 00:21:27,203 Son, I'm a small-business owner from a "stand your ground" state. 461 00:21:27,203 --> 00:21:28,705 This is like a Tuesday for me. 462 00:21:28,705 --> 00:21:31,457 [Sponge] Machina, the myth. 463 00:21:31,457 --> 00:21:34,127 Your turn, huh? [laughs] 464 00:21:34,127 --> 00:21:36,921 No, no. I wish I could. I just got a crown replaced. 465 00:21:36,921 --> 00:21:38,881 - Oh, Machina. - [Russians grumbling indistinctly] 466 00:21:38,881 --> 00:21:41,300 But I have an uneven jaw, and it took them forever to... 467 00:21:41,300 --> 00:21:42,969 - Hey, Bert. - What? 468 00:21:42,969 --> 00:21:45,972 You want to know why people respect Kreischer Karpets? 469 00:21:45,972 --> 00:21:48,182 Well, it's definitely not 'cause you spelled "carpets" with a K. 470 00:21:48,182 --> 00:21:49,684 No, that's just good marketing. 471 00:21:49,684 --> 00:21:54,063 It's because we install anywhere. 472 00:21:54,063 --> 00:21:56,524 - We never show fear. - [dramatic music playing] 473 00:21:56,524 --> 00:21:58,026 We face it. 474 00:21:58,026 --> 00:22:02,697 So, Bert, don't show fear. 475 00:22:03,865 --> 00:22:04,866 Wow. 476 00:22:06,951 --> 00:22:08,870 You really shoehorned that message in. 477 00:22:09,537 --> 00:22:12,123 All right, Sponge, I guess I got next. 478 00:22:12,123 --> 00:22:14,375 - [Sponge laughs] - [Russians] Oh! 479 00:22:14,375 --> 00:22:15,835 Machina, 480 00:22:16,461 --> 00:22:19,505 all I have heard about you, and you have titty, huh? 481 00:22:21,007 --> 00:22:22,759 You're such a large man. 482 00:22:22,759 --> 00:22:24,052 [laughs] 483 00:22:24,052 --> 00:22:25,720 [Bert laughs] You're so fucking big. 484 00:22:26,846 --> 00:22:28,389 Let's hope this works. 485 00:22:29,557 --> 00:22:34,896 I'm gonna show you what we in the States call "dad strength." 486 00:22:35,772 --> 00:22:37,440 - [Sponge yells] - [Russians gasp] 487 00:22:37,982 --> 00:22:39,317 [laughs] 488 00:22:40,610 --> 00:22:42,945 [laughing hysterically] 489 00:22:42,945 --> 00:22:44,030 Funny! 490 00:22:44,030 --> 00:22:45,239 Now... 491 00:22:46,324 --> 00:22:47,825 my turn, huh? 492 00:22:47,825 --> 00:22:49,494 [tense music playing] 493 00:23:05,384 --> 00:23:08,638 [Albert] Well, you showed fear. 494 00:23:12,558 --> 00:23:16,604 Son, I think this trip to Russia could give you some... direction. 495 00:23:17,105 --> 00:23:19,774 Look, I had this with me in Rome. 496 00:23:19,774 --> 00:23:21,609 Saved me more than a few times. 497 00:23:22,193 --> 00:23:23,444 You take care of it... 498 00:23:24,695 --> 00:23:26,155 it will take care of you. 499 00:23:28,866 --> 00:23:30,910 - Your pocketknife? - Mm-hm. 500 00:23:30,910 --> 00:23:32,203 Ah, thanks, Dad. 501 00:23:33,287 --> 00:23:36,624 We hope our sons grow up to be the men we wish we could be, Bert. 502 00:23:37,708 --> 00:23:40,044 Maybe this trip can start you on that path. 503 00:23:40,044 --> 00:23:41,295 And also... 504 00:23:42,922 --> 00:23:45,383 if you lose that knife in Russia, 505 00:23:46,134 --> 00:23:48,594 I will disown you. 506 00:23:48,594 --> 00:23:50,596 Ah, funny story. 507 00:23:52,765 --> 00:23:56,060 I did lose your knife in Russia. 508 00:23:56,060 --> 00:23:57,562 Dad, I'm sorry. 509 00:23:58,646 --> 00:24:00,148 I knew you'd let me down. 510 00:24:00,148 --> 00:24:01,691 [thunder crashes] 511 00:24:01,691 --> 00:24:02,608 You did? 512 00:24:02,608 --> 00:24:03,734 [laughs] 513 00:24:03,734 --> 00:24:06,112 [unsettling music playing] 514 00:24:06,112 --> 00:24:07,780 Got your manhood! 515 00:24:07,780 --> 00:24:09,365 Oh, you took my testicles! 516 00:24:09,365 --> 00:24:10,533 [gasps] 517 00:24:10,533 --> 00:24:12,326 [groans] 518 00:24:12,326 --> 00:24:15,121 [woman speaking in Russian over PA] 519 00:24:15,121 --> 00:24:16,664 - Hey there. - While you were out, 520 00:24:16,664 --> 00:24:19,083 - your father and I got to know each other. - Wait. 521 00:24:19,083 --> 00:24:21,919 Also, we watched Butch Cassidy and Sundance Kid. 522 00:24:21,919 --> 00:24:23,254 The ending? Wow. 523 00:24:23,254 --> 00:24:25,256 Dad, that's our movie. 524 00:24:25,256 --> 00:24:27,925 Bert, we have to find this watch. 525 00:24:27,925 --> 00:24:29,552 You stole it. What'd you do with it? 526 00:24:29,552 --> 00:24:32,597 Jesus Christ. It's the top five drunkest I've ever been in my life. 527 00:24:32,597 --> 00:24:34,765 I'm usually drunk when I tell the story. 528 00:24:34,765 --> 00:24:38,019 - [dramatic music playing] - Okay. Okay. Hold on, hold on. 529 00:24:38,019 --> 00:24:41,480 Give me a sec. Let me think. Let me think. God. I'm not good with guns at my head. 530 00:24:41,480 --> 00:24:42,565 [whimpers] 531 00:24:44,650 --> 00:24:46,527 Fedor. What about Fedor? 532 00:24:46,527 --> 00:24:49,530 He was the gangster on the train. Everything we stole, we gave to him. 533 00:24:49,530 --> 00:24:51,824 Yeah, I talked to Fedor. 534 00:24:51,824 --> 00:24:53,576 He doesn't remember the watch. 535 00:24:53,576 --> 00:24:55,036 So I killed him. 536 00:24:56,162 --> 00:24:57,371 Jesus Christ. 537 00:24:59,165 --> 00:25:00,249 Igor. 538 00:25:02,460 --> 00:25:03,461 Which Igor? 539 00:25:03,461 --> 00:25:05,129 I know like 50 Igors. 540 00:25:05,129 --> 00:25:08,799 Uh, Igor was the mobster that took care of our class. 541 00:25:08,799 --> 00:25:10,509 He lived with us in the dorms. 542 00:25:10,509 --> 00:25:12,303 Maybe he still lives in the dorms. 543 00:25:12,303 --> 00:25:14,722 Fuck school. Let's party. 544 00:25:16,015 --> 00:25:16,849 [Irina] Hm. 545 00:25:18,309 --> 00:25:20,102 Then this is where we go. 546 00:25:24,857 --> 00:25:28,945 Can't believe you watched Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. Fuck. 547 00:25:28,945 --> 00:25:29,862 [jet engines roar] 548 00:25:29,862 --> 00:25:31,656 ST. PETERSBERG 549 00:25:45,044 --> 00:25:47,255 Follow my lead. If we get a chance, we run. 550 00:25:47,255 --> 00:25:48,631 [in Russian] Is there a problem? 551 00:25:48,631 --> 00:25:53,511 [in Russian] Your documents indicate 11 passengers, but I count 12. 552 00:25:54,512 --> 00:25:55,554 [in Russian] I told you so. 553 00:25:55,554 --> 00:25:58,182 [dramatic music playing] 554 00:25:58,182 --> 00:26:00,851 Dad. Dad. Dad. Dad. Dad. Dad. 555 00:26:00,851 --> 00:26:02,353 Oh, my God. Oh! 556 00:26:03,437 --> 00:26:05,398 He's going down. He's going down. 557 00:26:06,607 --> 00:26:07,608 [in Russian] I count 11. 558 00:26:07,608 --> 00:26:08,693 [Bert] Jeez Louise! 559 00:26:08,693 --> 00:26:11,028 [dramatic music playing] 560 00:26:17,326 --> 00:26:18,411 [Bert] Wait. 561 00:26:19,161 --> 00:26:20,955 That's me. I'm the Machine. 562 00:26:20,955 --> 00:26:22,790 {\an8}Why am I on a billboard? 563 00:26:22,790 --> 00:26:25,042 {\an8}[Sponge] Da. You famous. 564 00:26:25,042 --> 00:26:27,920 [chuckles] I'm hot folklore in the Soviet Union. 565 00:26:27,920 --> 00:26:30,548 [in English] The Soviet Union is dead, you ignorant fuck! 566 00:26:31,465 --> 00:26:34,051 We're Russia. We're strong. 567 00:26:34,051 --> 00:26:35,052 [Sponge] We're here. 568 00:26:37,471 --> 00:26:39,473 They turned it into condos. 569 00:26:41,434 --> 00:26:42,727 Oh, hello there. 570 00:26:43,144 --> 00:26:43,978 Ha! 571 00:26:44,395 --> 00:26:47,023 [Bert] Hey, Dad, this isn't Orlando. Quit trying to work a threesome. 572 00:26:47,023 --> 00:26:48,691 Put it back in your pants. 573 00:26:48,691 --> 00:26:50,776 Well, that was rude. 574 00:26:50,776 --> 00:26:52,111 Move. 575 00:26:52,111 --> 00:26:53,904 Hey, here's where we took classes. 576 00:26:55,031 --> 00:26:56,282 This is where I met Igor. 577 00:26:56,282 --> 00:26:59,035 ["Santeria" playing] 578 00:26:59,035 --> 00:27:01,662 Wow. Twenty-three years ago. 579 00:27:02,163 --> 00:27:04,206 I should've taken more pictures of my dick. 580 00:27:04,206 --> 00:27:09,628 ♪ I don't practice Santeria I ain't got no crystal ball ♪ 581 00:27:09,628 --> 00:27:15,343 ♪ Well, I had a million dollars But I'd, I'd spend it all ♪ 582 00:27:15,343 --> 00:27:20,556 ♪ If I could find that jaina And that sancho that she's found ♪ 583 00:27:20,556 --> 00:27:23,726 ♪ Well, I'd pop a cap in sancho And I'd slap her down... ♪ 584 00:27:23,726 --> 00:27:25,144 THE DORMS 585 00:27:25,144 --> 00:27:26,937 [woman] Okay, class, listen up. 586 00:27:27,646 --> 00:27:30,483 Do not expect an easy course load. 587 00:27:30,483 --> 00:27:31,901 It isn't a vacation. 588 00:27:31,901 --> 00:27:36,072 Your goal is to culturally bond with the indigenous citizens. 589 00:27:36,739 --> 00:27:40,659 This is Igor. He is a banditti. You will be taking courses... 590 00:27:40,659 --> 00:27:43,496 I actually don't speak much Russian. What is "banditti"? 591 00:27:43,496 --> 00:27:46,916 Oh, um, "banditti" is the Russian word for mobster. 592 00:27:47,500 --> 00:27:50,378 This is a class trip. How come we've never met? 593 00:27:50,378 --> 00:27:53,130 Oh, I don't go to class much. I'm Bert. 594 00:27:53,130 --> 00:27:54,882 [Ashley] Oh, Ashley. 595 00:27:54,882 --> 00:27:57,051 [woman] But Russia is a dangerous place. 596 00:27:57,051 --> 00:27:58,719 Igor is our fixer. 597 00:27:58,719 --> 00:28:01,472 He is only here for your protection. 598 00:28:02,306 --> 00:28:03,599 He is very dangerous. 599 00:28:03,599 --> 00:28:04,517 Oh! 600 00:28:04,517 --> 00:28:06,102 - [students gasp] - [Bert chuckles] 601 00:28:07,770 --> 00:28:10,815 [woman] You are not to talk to or hang out with him. 602 00:28:10,815 --> 00:28:13,025 All I want to do is hang out with him. 603 00:28:13,025 --> 00:28:16,237 [Albert] I never know what to believe about what you say happened back then. 604 00:28:16,237 --> 00:28:19,156 You do have a very active imagination. 605 00:28:19,156 --> 00:28:20,825 [chuckles] I imagine. 606 00:28:20,825 --> 00:28:23,953 - That's my issue. - Well, one of them. 607 00:28:23,953 --> 00:28:27,081 [Irina] My father and I have a similar relationship. 608 00:28:27,081 --> 00:28:29,667 [Bert] What the fuck is this thing? Is it an iPad? 609 00:28:30,376 --> 00:28:31,794 I got this, son. 610 00:28:31,794 --> 00:28:33,963 I am an Eagle Scout. 611 00:28:35,214 --> 00:28:36,632 [Irina] What is an Eagle Scout? 612 00:28:36,632 --> 00:28:38,342 It's like if James Bond was a Mormon. 613 00:28:38,342 --> 00:28:40,594 An Eagle Scout can get in anywhere. 614 00:28:40,594 --> 00:28:42,847 You'd know that if you'd become an Eagle Scout. 615 00:28:42,847 --> 00:28:45,057 But no... [yells] 616 00:28:45,599 --> 00:28:46,600 [door chimes] 617 00:28:48,519 --> 00:28:50,354 My fist is Eagle Scout. 618 00:28:52,189 --> 00:28:53,524 I'll wait in the car. 619 00:28:55,025 --> 00:28:56,944 [Irina] He has impulse-control issue. 620 00:28:56,944 --> 00:28:57,862 Very sad. 621 00:28:57,862 --> 00:28:59,447 [Bert] Yeah. Steroids will do that to you. 622 00:28:59,447 --> 00:29:02,491 {\an8}- [suspenseful music playing] - They really dressed this place up. 623 00:29:03,492 --> 00:29:05,786 Still have the world's smallest elevator. 624 00:29:09,123 --> 00:29:10,040 [telephone beeps] 625 00:29:11,208 --> 00:29:13,752 [in Russian] Tell Vanya they are here. 626 00:29:13,752 --> 00:29:14,837 [elevator chimes] 627 00:29:16,130 --> 00:29:17,715 Holy shit. 628 00:29:18,382 --> 00:29:21,302 There was a woman that sat right there. 629 00:29:21,302 --> 00:29:23,971 She absolutely loved me. 630 00:29:23,971 --> 00:29:26,599 Igor's room was all the way down to the right. 631 00:29:27,433 --> 00:29:29,518 I took a shit on a pizza box right there. 632 00:29:29,518 --> 00:29:31,437 Jesus, son. 633 00:29:31,437 --> 00:29:33,439 Eh, it got mixed reviews. 634 00:29:34,440 --> 00:29:37,359 Honestly, if I hadn't sprained that finger, 635 00:29:37,359 --> 00:29:39,153 probably would've made it to the league. 636 00:29:39,153 --> 00:29:41,322 But, you know, I wasn't about to lose a thumb war 637 00:29:41,322 --> 00:29:43,157 to a 12-year-old, you know? 638 00:29:43,657 --> 00:29:45,034 Here you go, dabushka. 639 00:29:45,034 --> 00:29:47,036 Gifts from your American friend. 640 00:29:47,036 --> 00:29:48,621 - [speaks in Russian] - Ah. 641 00:29:48,621 --> 00:29:51,415 Gifts are a very important aspect of Russian life, Ash. 642 00:29:51,415 --> 00:29:53,501 - Bet you didn't know that. - [Ashley] Mm. 643 00:29:53,501 --> 00:29:55,503 Bet you didn't know your fly was down. 644 00:29:57,004 --> 00:29:57,838 [clears throat] 645 00:29:57,838 --> 00:29:59,965 [Irina] Why are you telling us this? 646 00:29:59,965 --> 00:30:01,050 [Bert] Sorry. 647 00:30:01,050 --> 00:30:02,760 Lot of memories being back here. 648 00:30:02,760 --> 00:30:06,514 [rock music playing over speakers] 649 00:30:06,514 --> 00:30:09,683 Whoa, you live right across from Igor and the banditti? 650 00:30:09,683 --> 00:30:12,061 Do you ever hear, like, screams coming from their room? 651 00:30:12,061 --> 00:30:13,187 No, not really. 652 00:30:14,271 --> 00:30:15,272 [Bert] Look at them. 653 00:30:15,814 --> 00:30:17,566 They're magnificent. 654 00:30:17,566 --> 00:30:20,110 How do I talk to them? How do I say my name? 655 00:30:20,110 --> 00:30:22,196 [lively music playing on video game] 656 00:30:23,364 --> 00:30:24,740 I planned the perfect sentence. 657 00:30:24,740 --> 00:30:26,408 [knocking on door] 658 00:30:26,992 --> 00:30:30,287 But the second I was face-to-face with a real Russian gangster, 659 00:30:30,287 --> 00:30:31,497 I panicked. 660 00:30:32,248 --> 00:30:33,499 Ya machina. 661 00:30:39,630 --> 00:30:41,131 Ya machina. 662 00:30:41,757 --> 00:30:43,759 [Bert] "Muchina" means badass. 663 00:30:43,759 --> 00:30:45,719 "Machina" means machine. 664 00:30:45,719 --> 00:30:47,429 I said I was the Machine. 665 00:30:47,429 --> 00:30:48,973 [Irina] You're an idiot. 666 00:30:50,182 --> 00:30:51,684 Ya machina. 667 00:30:53,143 --> 00:30:55,145 - [Bert] Luckily... - [laughing] 668 00:30:55,145 --> 00:30:56,522 they thought it was hilarious. 669 00:30:56,522 --> 00:30:58,148 On machina! 670 00:30:58,148 --> 00:30:59,567 [rock music playing over speakers] 671 00:30:59,567 --> 00:31:02,486 They introduced me to their world, and I introduced them to mine. 672 00:31:02,486 --> 00:31:05,114 Vodka, lemon, two teaspoons of sugar. 673 00:31:05,114 --> 00:31:07,658 - These are called lemon drops. - They're called lemon drops. 674 00:31:07,658 --> 00:31:11,996 Okay, they're from Florida, and they're fucking delicious! 675 00:31:11,996 --> 00:31:14,999 The Machine is powered by lemons! 676 00:31:14,999 --> 00:31:18,210 [Bert] And the legend of the Machine was born. 677 00:31:18,210 --> 00:31:20,296 [speaking in Russian and cheering] 678 00:31:22,506 --> 00:31:23,882 All right, all right, all right. 679 00:31:23,882 --> 00:31:27,261 This next one's a little thing I like to call Beavis and Butt-Head. 680 00:31:29,096 --> 00:31:30,472 His head is a butt! 681 00:31:30,472 --> 00:31:33,142 [Bert] They had no frame of reference for American culture. 682 00:31:33,142 --> 00:31:35,936 [in British accent] Do I make you horny? 683 00:31:35,936 --> 00:31:38,188 [Albert] Austin Powers? Really? 684 00:31:38,188 --> 00:31:39,315 [Bert] Shut up, Dad. 685 00:31:40,190 --> 00:31:42,943 So I stole from the best, and they thought it was me. 686 00:31:44,445 --> 00:31:47,781 To them, I was just some crazy genius who could out-drink 'em all. 687 00:31:47,781 --> 00:31:50,367 - I'm the Machine! - [cheering] 688 00:31:50,367 --> 00:31:53,454 [hip hop music playing over speakers] 689 00:31:56,248 --> 00:31:58,292 I call this the "Macarena." 690 00:32:00,836 --> 00:32:02,129 Word spread fast. 691 00:32:02,129 --> 00:32:05,132 And the legend of the Machine just kept growing. 692 00:32:05,132 --> 00:32:08,218 ["Unbelievable" playing] 693 00:32:09,470 --> 00:32:12,056 [Irina] Everyone in Russia heard the stories. 694 00:32:12,056 --> 00:32:14,141 You were folklore. 695 00:32:14,141 --> 00:32:15,976 [Bert laughs] -I was good for Igor's business. 696 00:32:15,976 --> 00:32:17,436 People paid him to party with me. 697 00:32:17,436 --> 00:32:18,896 Wait! The stash hole! 698 00:32:19,563 --> 00:32:22,232 Igor's room has a stash hole in it, in the wall. 699 00:32:22,232 --> 00:32:24,818 And what does he keep in this hole? 700 00:32:24,818 --> 00:32:26,153 Beanie Babies. 701 00:32:26,654 --> 00:32:28,739 Come on. Drugs, money and porn. You're in the mob. 702 00:32:28,739 --> 00:32:31,533 But maybe there's something in there that can tell us how to find him. 703 00:32:31,533 --> 00:32:32,951 It's this one right here. 704 00:32:32,951 --> 00:32:36,121 I hope so, for your daughter's sake. 705 00:32:40,417 --> 00:32:41,293 Oi! 706 00:32:41,293 --> 00:32:45,631 - That's feminism. You asked for it. - Fuck you! Pussy woman-boy! 707 00:32:45,631 --> 00:32:47,841 Well, I see wokeness hasn't made its way to Russia. 708 00:32:50,386 --> 00:32:53,389 [Russian folk music blaring over car speakers] 709 00:32:53,389 --> 00:32:56,475 [ominous music playing] 710 00:32:59,978 --> 00:33:01,021 [knocks on roof] 711 00:33:03,691 --> 00:33:06,235 - The hole? - Yeah, right. 712 00:33:06,902 --> 00:33:07,903 All right. 713 00:33:08,570 --> 00:33:10,864 That wall used to go all the way down. 714 00:33:11,490 --> 00:33:12,866 If I'm not mistaken... 715 00:33:12,866 --> 00:33:14,952 [tapping on wall] 716 00:33:16,453 --> 00:33:17,454 Ah! 717 00:33:17,454 --> 00:33:18,414 Bingo. 718 00:33:18,414 --> 00:33:21,500 [pensive music playing] 719 00:33:23,669 --> 00:33:25,462 [Irina] No watch. 720 00:33:25,462 --> 00:33:27,214 This is something way better. 721 00:33:27,214 --> 00:33:28,882 One of Ash's pot brownies, Dad. 722 00:33:28,882 --> 00:33:31,135 These things were gold back in the day. 723 00:33:31,135 --> 00:33:34,847 Why would anyone keep 20-year-old marijuana brownies? 724 00:33:34,847 --> 00:33:38,225 Ashley's pot brownies are the best thing I've ever tasted. 725 00:33:38,225 --> 00:33:40,561 They're mad strong, though, so only eat a little. 726 00:33:42,396 --> 00:33:45,357 - Don't fuck. - [laughing] 727 00:33:45,357 --> 00:33:47,234 You're fucking with me, man. 728 00:33:47,860 --> 00:33:49,445 Go fuck yourself. 729 00:33:51,405 --> 00:33:53,157 Hey, how'd you become a banditti? 730 00:33:54,450 --> 00:33:55,451 One day, 731 00:33:56,952 --> 00:33:58,203 man told me, 732 00:33:58,203 --> 00:34:01,540 "Igor, help me with this thing." 733 00:34:03,500 --> 00:34:04,626 Thing was mafia. 734 00:34:04,626 --> 00:34:06,879 'Cause if I get hungry, I get hangry, and everybody knows 735 00:34:06,879 --> 00:34:09,423 marijuana goes bad after time. It's like the reverse of pickles. 736 00:34:09,423 --> 00:34:12,259 So no Igor, no watch. 737 00:34:12,259 --> 00:34:15,220 Just old money and pickle weed. 738 00:34:15,846 --> 00:34:17,931 This is not good for you, Bert. 739 00:34:17,931 --> 00:34:20,517 - [woman] Fuck you. - [tense music playing] 740 00:34:20,517 --> 00:34:21,810 [Irina] Vanya. 741 00:34:21,810 --> 00:34:23,562 It's not good for you either. 742 00:34:23,562 --> 00:34:25,314 VANYA 743 00:34:25,314 --> 00:34:27,274 [in Russian] What are you doing here? 744 00:34:29,860 --> 00:34:31,528 [Vanya] He is Machina? 745 00:34:31,528 --> 00:34:32,654 The man's man? 746 00:34:32,654 --> 00:34:34,198 Nah. 747 00:34:34,198 --> 00:34:37,117 He has, uh... breasts. 748 00:34:43,874 --> 00:34:46,168 Your friend, Igor, 749 00:34:46,960 --> 00:34:49,546 he took over the trains to Moscow. 750 00:34:50,130 --> 00:34:52,508 And now I know where to find the watch. 751 00:34:52,508 --> 00:34:54,384 [in English] How do you know Igor runs trains? 752 00:34:54,384 --> 00:34:55,594 Because... 753 00:34:56,553 --> 00:34:57,971 I am respected. 754 00:34:57,971 --> 00:34:58,889 [scoffs] 755 00:35:01,016 --> 00:35:03,602 I make it my job to know these things. 756 00:35:03,602 --> 00:35:04,686 You? 757 00:35:07,272 --> 00:35:08,816 You are foolish woman. 758 00:35:09,525 --> 00:35:11,360 Playing pretend. 759 00:35:18,492 --> 00:35:19,827 I do not play. 760 00:35:24,873 --> 00:35:26,375 - [dog yelps] - Oh! 761 00:35:26,375 --> 00:35:27,751 - [screams] - [thuds] 762 00:35:27,751 --> 00:35:29,753 Holy cow! 763 00:35:30,379 --> 00:35:31,588 [woman sobbing] 764 00:35:33,382 --> 00:35:35,050 You're an insolent child, Vanya. 765 00:35:35,050 --> 00:35:38,387 Now you come with me on train or you go out window. 766 00:35:39,471 --> 00:35:42,099 - All right, let's go, Dad. Come on. - Yeah, let's go. Let's go. 767 00:35:43,308 --> 00:35:44,309 See you around. 768 00:35:47,604 --> 00:35:48,939 Put your hands down. 769 00:35:48,939 --> 00:35:51,733 [tense music continues] 770 00:35:51,733 --> 00:35:53,694 Well, this is wonderful. 771 00:35:53,694 --> 00:35:55,696 We're about to be killed by gangsters. 772 00:35:55,696 --> 00:35:57,823 And you're pocketing ancient pot brownies. 773 00:35:57,823 --> 00:36:00,826 You say shit like that and you wonder why we haven't visited in three years. 774 00:36:00,826 --> 00:36:02,035 - So now it's my fault? - Yeah. 775 00:36:02,035 --> 00:36:03,912 I don't want to be around that shit, and neither do my kids. 776 00:36:03,912 --> 00:36:05,956 Your kids are great. Don't bring them into this. 777 00:36:05,956 --> 00:36:08,834 [Bert] Oh, I know they're great, Dad. They're my kids. 778 00:36:08,834 --> 00:36:12,254 [Albert] You know, your problem is you live this life where you get rewarded 779 00:36:12,254 --> 00:36:15,299 for indulging in your worst tendencies. 780 00:36:15,299 --> 00:36:18,385 [intense music playing] 781 00:36:21,889 --> 00:36:23,473 [yells] 782 00:36:26,143 --> 00:36:27,686 [vertebrae snap] 783 00:36:27,686 --> 00:36:29,271 Let's hope that was an adjustment. 784 00:36:30,689 --> 00:36:32,065 Meet you downstairs. 785 00:36:35,736 --> 00:36:38,739 [intense music continues] 786 00:36:54,046 --> 00:36:56,256 Well, we should be safe in here. 787 00:36:56,256 --> 00:36:57,215 [bullets thudding] 788 00:37:15,484 --> 00:37:16,360 I got you, son! 789 00:37:16,360 --> 00:37:17,819 No, I got you! I'm covering you! 790 00:37:17,819 --> 00:37:19,571 - Everything's under control! - No! 791 00:37:44,805 --> 00:37:46,348 [Bert] Oh, my God! Oh, my God! 792 00:37:46,348 --> 00:37:47,557 Oh, my God! Oh, my God! 793 00:38:03,156 --> 00:38:05,325 - Lift! - No! No, no! Close, close! 794 00:38:05,325 --> 00:38:07,744 - [Albert] Close the door! - Shoot back, idiots! 795 00:38:13,500 --> 00:38:16,628 [Vanya] I will present the boss with your head, Machina! 796 00:38:16,628 --> 00:38:17,713 Dad. 797 00:38:17,713 --> 00:38:19,881 I can't use that. 798 00:38:19,881 --> 00:38:22,467 After I read Mandela's biography, 799 00:38:22,467 --> 00:38:25,929 I made a vow of nonviolence. 800 00:38:25,929 --> 00:38:27,472 [Vanya] You are dead! 801 00:38:27,472 --> 00:38:28,682 Dead! 802 00:38:28,682 --> 00:38:30,892 Fine. I'm just gonna shoot him in the leg. 803 00:38:35,856 --> 00:38:36,732 [elevator chimes] 804 00:38:36,732 --> 00:38:39,818 [dramatic music playing] 805 00:38:46,158 --> 00:38:47,159 [music stops] 806 00:38:55,167 --> 00:38:58,128 [wailing sirens approaching] 807 00:38:58,128 --> 00:38:59,463 Let's go, dickheads! 808 00:38:59,463 --> 00:39:02,549 [tense music playing] 809 00:39:04,384 --> 00:39:05,510 [barking and growling] 810 00:39:06,219 --> 00:39:07,763 Goddamn it. Let go. 811 00:39:07,763 --> 00:39:09,931 No! I'm glad you're alive! Let go of me! 812 00:39:09,931 --> 00:39:12,142 - [Albert] Get in the car, son. - I'm trying, Dad! 813 00:39:12,142 --> 00:39:15,228 [dramatic music playing] 814 00:39:26,531 --> 00:39:27,699 Sponge! 815 00:39:28,366 --> 00:39:30,118 [in Russian] What happened to the fucking car? 816 00:39:30,702 --> 00:39:32,037 [Bert] So bad. This is not going away. 817 00:39:32,037 --> 00:39:33,371 We need to get on that train! 818 00:39:34,164 --> 00:39:35,582 I'm gonna meet the devil. 819 00:39:35,582 --> 00:39:37,250 I'm going to fucking hell. 820 00:39:37,250 --> 00:39:38,752 - Oh, shit. - [Albert] I'm at my lake house. 821 00:39:38,752 --> 00:39:40,587 - Goddamn it. - [Albert] The fish are jumping. 822 00:39:40,587 --> 00:39:44,424 - I'm having mac and cheese for dinner. - Are you doing breathing exercises? 823 00:39:44,424 --> 00:39:46,551 You can't do breathing exercises for murder, Dad. 824 00:39:46,551 --> 00:39:47,928 I killed a man. 825 00:39:47,928 --> 00:39:50,806 Well, technically, you killed several men. 826 00:39:50,806 --> 00:39:52,432 Oh, God! You're not helping! 827 00:39:52,432 --> 00:39:53,892 - [Irina in English] Hey. - What? 828 00:39:54,976 --> 00:39:56,103 It happens. 829 00:39:56,103 --> 00:39:58,105 I'm not gonna start smoking cigarettes. 830 00:39:58,105 --> 00:40:01,024 No, it doesn't happen. A speeding ticket, that happens. 831 00:40:01,024 --> 00:40:03,735 Shitting your pants at Best Buy, that happens. 832 00:40:04,528 --> 00:40:06,446 My brother Vanya was an asshole. 833 00:40:06,446 --> 00:40:08,198 Oh! 834 00:40:08,198 --> 00:40:10,200 Brother? Like your real brother? 835 00:40:10,200 --> 00:40:12,244 Like your mom and dad are the same mom and dad? 836 00:40:12,244 --> 00:40:13,411 Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. 837 00:40:13,411 --> 00:40:15,580 - I didn't know he was your brother. - Don't be. 838 00:40:15,580 --> 00:40:17,666 There is a power struggle in the mob. 839 00:40:17,666 --> 00:40:20,377 As oldest, I will inherit my father's empire, 840 00:40:20,377 --> 00:40:22,420 but Vanya wants control. 841 00:40:22,420 --> 00:40:23,964 Wanted control. 842 00:40:24,840 --> 00:40:27,092 - He's dead. - Oh, my God. 843 00:40:27,092 --> 00:40:28,802 I'm still getting used to it. 844 00:40:28,802 --> 00:40:32,597 What the fuck is happening? Get me the fuck out of here. 845 00:40:32,597 --> 00:40:35,016 Many others also want control. 846 00:40:35,016 --> 00:40:36,977 They say I cannot run mob because I'm woman. 847 00:40:36,977 --> 00:40:38,103 This isn't happening. 848 00:40:38,103 --> 00:40:39,020 Boss. 849 00:40:39,688 --> 00:40:41,690 [Irina and Sponge speaking in Russian] 850 00:40:41,690 --> 00:40:42,774 Dad. 851 00:40:44,401 --> 00:40:46,736 Give me some life advice, some words of wisdom. 852 00:40:48,446 --> 00:40:50,073 Everybody's got to die sometime. 853 00:40:50,740 --> 00:40:51,741 That's it? 854 00:40:52,367 --> 00:40:53,618 That's your advice? 855 00:40:53,618 --> 00:40:55,912 Well, what do you want me to say? 856 00:40:55,912 --> 00:40:58,498 That vulnerability is scary and it's hard to open up? 857 00:40:58,498 --> 00:41:00,834 Yeah, Dad. That would've been great. 858 00:41:00,834 --> 00:41:02,085 [laughs] Son. 859 00:41:02,085 --> 00:41:04,546 It was your mother that was the coddler, not me. 860 00:41:04,546 --> 00:41:05,714 [tires screech] 861 00:41:09,718 --> 00:41:11,011 [speaks in Russian] 862 00:41:11,011 --> 00:41:13,138 [Bert] Jesus. We got it, Sasquatch. 863 00:41:13,889 --> 00:41:16,349 [suspenseful music playing] 864 00:41:25,400 --> 00:41:26,568 Igor. Igor. 865 00:41:27,986 --> 00:41:29,154 I'm coming. I'm coming. 866 00:41:34,034 --> 00:41:34,868 Hey. 867 00:41:38,747 --> 00:41:41,291 My brother would have shot me if he had a chance. 868 00:41:43,460 --> 00:41:46,254 Thank you for making his death very fast. 869 00:41:47,964 --> 00:41:50,091 Well, then, can I real quick call my daughter, 870 00:41:50,091 --> 00:41:51,968 just to make sure she's okay? 871 00:41:51,968 --> 00:41:53,011 Don't push it. 872 00:41:55,555 --> 00:41:58,558 [music turns dramatic] 873 00:42:08,526 --> 00:42:11,613 Now, this is the kind of Russian architecture I wanted to see. 874 00:42:11,613 --> 00:42:13,573 We're not on a sightseeing tour, Dad. 875 00:42:13,573 --> 00:42:14,908 [ominous music playing] 876 00:42:14,908 --> 00:42:17,118 Hey, Irina, I think this is gonna be great. 877 00:42:17,118 --> 00:42:19,996 We'll find Igor, we'll get your watch, and then you can let us go, right? 878 00:42:20,705 --> 00:42:21,998 Holy cow. 879 00:42:21,998 --> 00:42:24,125 This place hasn't changed a bit. 880 00:42:26,336 --> 00:42:28,004 Oh. Right there. 881 00:42:28,004 --> 00:42:30,340 That's where Igor introduced me to the train banditti. 882 00:42:31,049 --> 00:42:33,593 I cannot go on your student trip to Moscow. 883 00:42:33,593 --> 00:42:34,552 - What? - Yeah. 884 00:42:34,552 --> 00:42:36,763 Different mafia runs train. 885 00:42:36,763 --> 00:42:38,473 Igor, what am I supposed to do here? 886 00:42:39,516 --> 00:42:40,934 What you always do. 887 00:42:41,476 --> 00:42:42,936 [in Russian] This is Machine! 888 00:42:43,728 --> 00:42:47,023 If you give Machine vodka, you have great time. 889 00:42:48,233 --> 00:42:50,360 [in English] Come on, show them your character. 890 00:42:50,360 --> 00:42:52,279 British horny man. Come on. 891 00:42:53,863 --> 00:42:56,533 [in British accent] Do I make you horny, baby? 892 00:42:56,533 --> 00:42:58,952 [all laughing] 893 00:42:58,952 --> 00:43:01,913 - Do I make you randy? Yeah. - It's classic. 894 00:43:01,913 --> 00:43:04,666 [Irina] You really like Austin Powers. 895 00:43:04,666 --> 00:43:07,335 Yeah. It was really big in the late '90s. Give me a break, okay? 896 00:43:07,335 --> 00:43:08,712 I get it. 897 00:43:09,754 --> 00:43:11,381 I get why they liked you. 898 00:43:11,381 --> 00:43:12,507 Wow, thanks, Dad. 899 00:43:12,507 --> 00:43:15,927 Your toxic masculinity was lighthearted and progressive to them. 900 00:43:15,927 --> 00:43:18,513 Yeah, well, your compliment sounds a little bit like a slam. 901 00:43:18,513 --> 00:43:21,725 - Quiet, fucked-up father-son. - [Sponge] Boss. 902 00:43:21,725 --> 00:43:23,935 [tense music playing] 903 00:43:23,935 --> 00:43:25,729 This is the Moscow line. 904 00:43:26,646 --> 00:43:29,899 If Igor runs trains, this is where he will be. 905 00:43:30,650 --> 00:43:32,360 Be careful. 906 00:43:32,360 --> 00:43:34,237 Train mob is very dangerous. 907 00:43:34,237 --> 00:43:36,072 Don't worry. Igor's my boy. 908 00:43:36,072 --> 00:43:37,657 If he's here, we're all set. 909 00:43:37,657 --> 00:43:40,160 Yes, but he knows you. 910 00:43:40,160 --> 00:43:41,536 They don't. 911 00:43:41,536 --> 00:43:44,581 [Bert] They look like they're cosplaying American History X. 912 00:43:44,581 --> 00:43:46,458 Let's go down further. 913 00:43:46,458 --> 00:43:47,834 Less eyes. 914 00:43:47,834 --> 00:43:50,920 [ominous music playing] 915 00:44:02,349 --> 00:44:03,350 Hello. 916 00:44:03,850 --> 00:44:06,102 [in Russian] You cannot park there. 917 00:44:11,024 --> 00:44:12,734 [in Russian] Bring me to Igor. 918 00:44:12,734 --> 00:44:14,361 Yes, sir. 919 00:44:14,944 --> 00:44:17,238 [train horn blows] 920 00:44:17,238 --> 00:44:19,574 [Bert] Doesn't that sound mean the train's departing? 921 00:44:19,574 --> 00:44:21,826 - Get on! - Wait, what's the plan? What are we doing? 922 00:44:21,826 --> 00:44:24,245 We stay on train till we find Igor. 923 00:44:24,245 --> 00:44:27,248 Get the plane, meet me in Moscow with the rest of the men. 924 00:44:28,541 --> 00:44:31,378 I cannot believe I'm doing this Moscow trip over again. 925 00:44:31,378 --> 00:44:32,837 - [Irina] Move. - [Bert] Wow. 926 00:44:32,837 --> 00:44:35,632 This train smells exactly like it did in '98. 927 00:44:36,800 --> 00:44:38,802 THE TRAIN 928 00:44:38,802 --> 00:44:41,930 [Young Bert groans] It smells like cabbage and grandmas. 929 00:44:41,930 --> 00:44:45,600 So long, Saint Petersburg! Hello, Moscow! 930 00:44:45,600 --> 00:44:46,726 Oh, sorry. 931 00:44:46,726 --> 00:44:48,812 [chattering in Russian] 932 00:44:49,979 --> 00:44:52,649 Why does everyone here look like they want to punch me in the face? 933 00:44:52,649 --> 00:44:54,526 It's improper to smile in Russia, Bert. 934 00:44:54,526 --> 00:44:56,069 You save it for the people you love. 935 00:44:56,903 --> 00:44:57,904 Do you? 936 00:44:58,571 --> 00:45:00,532 - Really? - What even is that? 937 00:45:00,532 --> 00:45:03,618 So you want to stay up all night in the bar car or...? 938 00:45:03,618 --> 00:45:07,163 I don't know how you can drink so much and never gain any weight. 939 00:45:07,163 --> 00:45:09,124 I just have really great genes. 940 00:45:11,918 --> 00:45:14,421 Do you maybe want to hang in my cabin instead? 941 00:45:15,380 --> 00:45:16,464 [Bert] I did. 942 00:45:16,464 --> 00:45:18,341 I definitely did. 943 00:45:18,341 --> 00:45:20,468 ["The Sign" playing] 944 00:45:20,468 --> 00:45:21,970 Fucking idiot. Fuck. 945 00:45:22,762 --> 00:45:24,973 Thanks, Dad, for the dull fucking knife. 946 00:45:25,849 --> 00:45:30,645 {\an8}♪ How could a person like me care for you? Why do I bother...? ♪ 947 00:45:30,645 --> 00:45:32,522 Ash. Hey. 948 00:45:36,568 --> 00:45:41,406 ♪ No I saw the sign... ♪ 949 00:45:41,406 --> 00:45:42,323 Yeah. 950 00:45:42,991 --> 00:45:44,367 Fucking ow. 951 00:45:44,367 --> 00:45:46,786 ♪ Without understanding... ♪ 952 00:45:46,786 --> 00:45:47,704 Oh, jeez. 953 00:45:49,289 --> 00:45:50,331 Way too much. 954 00:45:50,331 --> 00:45:52,208 ♪ I saw the sign ♪ 955 00:45:52,208 --> 00:45:53,293 Yeah. 956 00:45:53,293 --> 00:45:59,090 ♪ I saw the sign ♪ 957 00:46:00,049 --> 00:46:03,261 ♪ And it opened up my eyes I saw the sign ♪ 958 00:46:03,261 --> 00:46:05,096 - Hey. - Hey, what are you doing? 959 00:46:05,096 --> 00:46:06,890 Uh, not much. 960 00:46:06,890 --> 00:46:08,850 I don't know. It's pretty crazy in there. 961 00:46:09,559 --> 00:46:11,603 So you still want to hang out? It's cool if not. 962 00:46:11,603 --> 00:46:13,897 You know, I'm a big fan of romantic buildup. 963 00:46:13,897 --> 00:46:14,814 [Ashley] Oh, yeah? 964 00:46:14,814 --> 00:46:17,650 [Bert] Yeah. Like, I don't even think Ross and Rachel should be together yet. 965 00:46:17,650 --> 00:46:18,610 [Ashley] No way. Me neither. 966 00:46:18,610 --> 00:46:20,695 - [Bert] Right? Save it for the millennium. - [Ashley] Yeah. 967 00:46:20,695 --> 00:46:22,447 - I kind of think we should... - [Fedor] You. 968 00:46:22,447 --> 00:46:24,991 [suspenseful music playing] 969 00:46:24,991 --> 00:46:26,075 Hey. 970 00:46:27,911 --> 00:46:30,038 You are one they call Machine? 971 00:46:31,915 --> 00:46:33,625 Yeah, uh, that's me. 972 00:46:34,292 --> 00:46:35,251 [Fedor] Hm. 973 00:46:38,129 --> 00:46:40,215 [Bert] Fedor was the boss of the train banditti. 974 00:46:40,215 --> 00:46:42,050 He smelled like nicotine patches 975 00:46:42,050 --> 00:46:44,844 and looked at me the way Ted Bundy looked at coeds. 976 00:46:44,844 --> 00:46:46,804 It was horrible. 977 00:46:46,804 --> 00:46:50,141 Machine does not ride with the peasants. Come, come. 978 00:46:52,852 --> 00:46:56,523 Uh, Ashley, I'm gonna go hang out with these scary dudes for a little bit, 979 00:46:56,523 --> 00:46:58,900 and then I'll be right back, okay? I'll check back in. 980 00:46:58,900 --> 00:47:01,069 FYI, I'm a good bed sharer. 981 00:47:01,069 --> 00:47:03,279 Okay? Fun to cuddle with, no night farts... 982 00:47:03,279 --> 00:47:06,783 [Albert] You left that girl, so you could hang out with a criminal? 983 00:47:06,783 --> 00:47:09,452 [Irina] He's right. She was a sure thing. 984 00:47:09,452 --> 00:47:12,830 [Bert] Yeah, well, I've never been good with sure things. 985 00:47:12,830 --> 00:47:14,874 But Fedor took me to the bar car. 986 00:47:14,874 --> 00:47:18,670 This place had booze, drugs, and here's the real gangster part. 987 00:47:18,670 --> 00:47:21,005 [in Russian] This is the Machine. 988 00:47:21,589 --> 00:47:23,091 [cheering] 989 00:47:23,091 --> 00:47:24,384 [Bert] They knew who I was. 990 00:47:25,301 --> 00:47:27,053 [in English] They like you, huh? 991 00:47:27,971 --> 00:47:30,598 [Bert] I guarantee this is where we'll find Igor. 992 00:47:32,517 --> 00:47:33,351 Wow. 993 00:47:33,351 --> 00:47:35,395 I guess nobody parties in the bar car anymore. 994 00:47:35,395 --> 00:47:37,230 [Irina] Hm. Especially Igor. 995 00:47:39,816 --> 00:47:42,235 You know, 23-year-old me loved this place. 996 00:47:42,235 --> 00:47:44,112 Now it looks like a truck-stop bathroom. 997 00:47:44,779 --> 00:47:48,408 I think your therapist would call that "growth people notice." 998 00:47:50,243 --> 00:47:51,244 Wait. 999 00:47:52,370 --> 00:47:53,997 Did LeeAnn tell you I was in therapy? 1000 00:47:54,914 --> 00:47:55,832 [exhales] 1001 00:47:56,332 --> 00:47:57,333 Well... 1002 00:47:58,251 --> 00:48:00,587 when she called to invite me to the party, 1003 00:48:00,587 --> 00:48:02,755 she opened up about what you're going through. 1004 00:48:02,755 --> 00:48:06,009 After Sasha's arrest, we were both worried you'd... 1005 00:48:06,509 --> 00:48:08,052 well, you know, mess up again. 1006 00:48:08,052 --> 00:48:09,887 Motherfucker! 1007 00:48:09,887 --> 00:48:11,264 Does no one trust me? 1008 00:48:11,264 --> 00:48:13,766 Or am I the guy that's only gonna mess up again? 1009 00:48:13,766 --> 00:48:15,602 - You're making a scene. - A scene? 1010 00:48:15,602 --> 00:48:18,563 I pay my bills by making a scene! 1011 00:48:18,563 --> 00:48:21,024 I rip my shirt off and yell, "I'm the Machine!" 1012 00:48:21,024 --> 00:48:22,108 [man] Hey! 1013 00:48:22,108 --> 00:48:25,612 - [ominous music playing] - Who says, "I am Machine"? 1014 00:48:27,238 --> 00:48:28,239 You? 1015 00:48:29,157 --> 00:48:31,618 They say Machine can walk through walls. 1016 00:48:32,493 --> 00:48:34,329 Only a ghost can do that. 1017 00:48:35,330 --> 00:48:36,331 You... 1018 00:48:37,123 --> 00:48:38,124 you are not Machine. 1019 00:48:41,210 --> 00:48:43,713 You want to see the fucking Machine? They want to see the Machine. 1020 00:48:43,713 --> 00:48:46,049 - You're getting the fucking Machine. - Hey, where you going? 1021 00:48:46,049 --> 00:48:48,259 First up, I don't normally do this for free. 1022 00:48:48,259 --> 00:48:50,053 Secondly, you're dressed like dickheads. 1023 00:48:50,053 --> 00:48:52,055 Matching Nazi dickheads. 1024 00:48:52,055 --> 00:48:54,349 And third, you say it three times and he shows up. 1025 00:48:54,349 --> 00:48:55,642 It's a lot like Candyman. 1026 00:48:56,225 --> 00:48:57,769 {\an8}You've already said it twice. 1027 00:48:59,270 --> 00:49:00,271 That's me. 1028 00:49:01,064 --> 00:49:04,400 That's me on this bottle of vodka that says "The Machine." 1029 00:49:04,400 --> 00:49:05,568 [Albert] What are you doing? 1030 00:49:05,568 --> 00:49:07,111 - Dad, sit down! - Ah! 1031 00:49:08,696 --> 00:49:10,698 [man in Russian] I think we need to call the boss. 1032 00:49:11,491 --> 00:49:12,909 [phone beeps, then line dialing] 1033 00:49:12,909 --> 00:49:14,702 - Igor. - Igor? 1034 00:49:14,702 --> 00:49:16,954 [man continues in Russian] This guy says he's the Machine. 1035 00:49:17,622 --> 00:49:19,374 Igor, it's your boy Bert. 1036 00:49:19,374 --> 00:49:21,918 You better have my watch, bitch. Finish it up. 1037 00:49:22,627 --> 00:49:25,463 He looks like the cartoon on the vodka bottle. 1038 00:49:25,838 --> 00:49:29,217 Only fatter. Yeah, with big titties. 1039 00:49:30,134 --> 00:49:34,013 Someone is with him. Volgovitch's daughter. 1040 00:49:35,515 --> 00:49:37,600 Go to VIP car. 1041 00:49:42,355 --> 00:49:45,817 [in English] Igor want to see you. He will come to the bar car soon. 1042 00:49:50,071 --> 00:49:53,991 But before that, it would be an honor to party with you... 1043 00:49:54,826 --> 00:49:55,827 Machine. 1044 00:50:00,415 --> 00:50:01,708 [Bert] Strasvutsia, bitches. 1045 00:50:02,417 --> 00:50:03,251 Let's do it. 1046 00:50:03,251 --> 00:50:05,002 [laughs] 1047 00:50:07,255 --> 00:50:09,924 [Igor] You do drink like Russian. 1048 00:50:11,134 --> 00:50:12,885 [speaks in Russian] 1049 00:50:12,885 --> 00:50:15,972 - Alcohol is the universal language. - [Igor in English] Yes. 1050 00:50:15,972 --> 00:50:18,141 We're all drunk on the inside. 1051 00:50:20,727 --> 00:50:24,397 So when do we meet the real Machine, huh? 1052 00:50:25,565 --> 00:50:26,858 All right, listen up. 1053 00:50:27,525 --> 00:50:29,360 ♪ I did it all for the nookie ♪ 1054 00:50:29,360 --> 00:50:30,278 ♪ Come on ♪ 1055 00:50:30,278 --> 00:50:31,404 - ♪ The nookie ♪ - ♪ Come on ♪ 1056 00:50:31,404 --> 00:50:32,822 ♪ So you can take that cookie ♪ 1057 00:50:32,822 --> 00:50:35,992 ♪ And stick it up your asshole Stick it up your asshole ♪ 1058 00:50:35,992 --> 00:50:37,368 ♪ Stick it up your asshole... ♪ 1059 00:50:37,368 --> 00:50:40,121 Hey! Hey, excuse me! 1060 00:50:40,121 --> 00:50:42,039 Yo, teach. Hey, check it out. 1061 00:50:42,039 --> 00:50:44,876 I'm culturally bonding with the indigenous citizens. 1062 00:50:44,876 --> 00:50:48,880 Get your ass back to your cabin now! 1063 00:50:49,797 --> 00:50:51,424 ♪ I did it all for the nookie ♪ 1064 00:50:51,424 --> 00:50:53,259 - ♪ Come on ♪ - ♪ The nookie ♪ 1065 00:50:53,259 --> 00:50:55,178 - ♪ Come on ♪ - ♪ So you can take that cookie... ♪ 1066 00:50:55,178 --> 00:50:57,180 [yelling mockingly] 1067 00:50:57,180 --> 00:50:59,390 Fuck that bitch! 1068 00:50:59,390 --> 00:51:00,892 This is... 1069 00:51:00,892 --> 00:51:03,269 [all] Russia! 1070 00:51:03,269 --> 00:51:06,355 [Bert] Dad, you said I had to go to Russia to find myself. 1071 00:51:06,355 --> 00:51:07,482 Well, I did. 1072 00:51:07,482 --> 00:51:10,902 - I'm king of the world! - [Russians cheering] 1073 00:51:11,527 --> 00:51:13,029 [Bert] That's how I felt. 1074 00:51:13,029 --> 00:51:14,614 I was king of the world. 1075 00:51:15,281 --> 00:51:16,157 [Irina] Titanic? 1076 00:51:16,157 --> 00:51:17,325 [Bert] Yeah, yeah, yeah. 1077 00:51:17,325 --> 00:51:19,702 I was stealing wholesale from A-list movies, 1078 00:51:19,702 --> 00:51:20,912 but it worked. 1079 00:51:20,912 --> 00:51:22,538 Let me tell you something. 1080 00:51:22,538 --> 00:51:26,459 Entertaining criminals and sex workers was amazing. 1081 00:51:26,459 --> 00:51:28,336 Maybe that's why I do so well in Florida, huh? 1082 00:51:28,336 --> 00:51:29,629 [laughing] 1083 00:51:29,629 --> 00:51:30,963 They don't even get it. 1084 00:51:33,132 --> 00:51:35,009 Tell us more stories, Machine. 1085 00:51:35,009 --> 00:51:37,053 The bar car was a blast. 1086 00:51:37,053 --> 00:51:39,388 But it's also where shit got real. 1087 00:51:39,388 --> 00:51:41,182 Uh, what do you want, Fedor? 1088 00:51:41,182 --> 00:51:42,642 [speaks in Russian] 1089 00:51:42,642 --> 00:51:44,977 Bread. Okay, cool. Wait. 1090 00:51:45,853 --> 00:51:47,647 - I knew you said "bread." - [in English] Yes. 1091 00:51:47,647 --> 00:51:49,524 I'm picking up the language. Give me another one, come on. 1092 00:51:49,524 --> 00:51:50,733 [speaks in Russian] 1093 00:51:50,733 --> 00:51:51,859 Cheese. 1094 00:51:51,859 --> 00:51:53,611 I'm basically fluent. 1095 00:51:54,904 --> 00:51:56,614 [speaks in Russian] 1096 00:51:57,198 --> 00:51:58,825 Uh... money. Got it. 1097 00:51:58,825 --> 00:52:00,243 Cool. Um... 1098 00:52:01,369 --> 00:52:03,454 Oh, no, are we robbing this guy? 1099 00:52:04,372 --> 00:52:05,540 Yeah, I don't... 1100 00:52:05,540 --> 00:52:07,500 I don't really want to rob anyone. 1101 00:52:07,500 --> 00:52:09,335 [Igor in English] Yes, you do. 1102 00:52:09,335 --> 00:52:11,254 [tense music playing] 1103 00:52:11,254 --> 00:52:13,381 Do it. Pussy. 1104 00:52:15,049 --> 00:52:18,886 First him, then train. 1105 00:52:18,886 --> 00:52:20,680 So that's what we did. 1106 00:52:20,680 --> 00:52:22,056 - We robbed the train. - [man] Yeah. 1107 00:52:22,849 --> 00:52:25,852 ["The Fear" playing] 1108 00:52:27,395 --> 00:52:29,272 [Bert] I was terrified. 1109 00:52:30,439 --> 00:52:32,108 They were practically giddy. 1110 00:52:34,902 --> 00:52:38,948 ♪ This is our "Music from A Bachelor's Den"... ♪ 1111 00:52:40,533 --> 00:52:41,617 [Igor] Let's go. 1112 00:52:42,869 --> 00:52:44,537 [Bert] Fedor kept feeding me booze. 1113 00:52:44,537 --> 00:52:48,249 Now you drink vodka. 1114 00:52:48,249 --> 00:52:49,709 [speaks in Russian] 1115 00:52:49,709 --> 00:52:51,335 [in English] Let's go. Drink. 1116 00:52:52,545 --> 00:52:53,546 That's it. 1117 00:52:56,173 --> 00:52:58,718 [Bert] I was completely out of control. 1118 00:52:58,718 --> 00:53:01,470 I mean, the rush of it. Turned into a thrill. 1119 00:53:01,470 --> 00:53:02,597 This is my room. 1120 00:53:03,347 --> 00:53:06,934 I was robbing the train with the Russian mafia. 1121 00:53:06,934 --> 00:53:08,561 And I wasn't dying. 1122 00:53:08,561 --> 00:53:11,439 [Young Bert] That's all my-- That's all my stuff. 1123 00:53:11,439 --> 00:53:13,774 Wait, wait, wait. You're actually taking my stuff? 1124 00:53:14,567 --> 00:53:17,987 Oh, no, no, no, no. That's my dad's, uh, knife. 1125 00:53:17,987 --> 00:53:19,488 You can't take that. 1126 00:53:19,488 --> 00:53:20,948 No, no, no. 1127 00:53:20,948 --> 00:53:23,910 You can take the other stuff. But the knife? 1128 00:53:24,452 --> 00:53:26,037 - That's my dad's. - [Igor] Really? 1129 00:53:26,037 --> 00:53:27,455 No go. 1130 00:53:27,455 --> 00:53:29,582 I can't take, huh? 1131 00:53:30,583 --> 00:53:31,959 I'm sorry, Dad. 1132 00:53:33,085 --> 00:53:34,253 I let him steal it. 1133 00:53:34,253 --> 00:53:35,671 [Young Bert] It's all yours. 1134 00:53:35,671 --> 00:53:37,798 [laughing] 1135 00:53:40,551 --> 00:53:42,261 Machine. 1136 00:53:42,970 --> 00:53:43,804 Wow. 1137 00:53:44,430 --> 00:53:46,098 I would've cut out his heart 1138 00:53:46,098 --> 00:53:49,060 and make him watch it stop beating with his last breath. 1139 00:53:50,603 --> 00:53:52,605 I guess we're just built different. 1140 00:53:52,605 --> 00:53:53,689 The watch. 1141 00:53:55,274 --> 00:53:56,901 [Bert] Once I got really drunk... 1142 00:53:58,903 --> 00:54:00,279 I robbed my class. 1143 00:54:01,405 --> 00:54:02,865 I robbed my whole class. 1144 00:54:03,699 --> 00:54:05,368 [Ashley] What the hell? Get out. 1145 00:54:07,703 --> 00:54:10,456 Fuck that bitch. This is Russia. 1146 00:54:15,252 --> 00:54:16,379 Ash. 1147 00:54:16,379 --> 00:54:17,505 I'm... 1148 00:54:17,505 --> 00:54:20,883 Whoa! Woman hit man? 1149 00:54:20,883 --> 00:54:23,094 That is new. [laughs] 1150 00:54:23,094 --> 00:54:26,973 I felt like a complete and total piece of shit. 1151 00:54:27,890 --> 00:54:31,268 Give it. Fast, fast. Give me ring. 1152 00:54:31,978 --> 00:54:34,730 Let's go. [speaks in Russian] 1153 00:54:36,857 --> 00:54:39,193 - Okay? - That's it. 1154 00:54:39,193 --> 00:54:40,569 - Good boy. - Okay. 1155 00:54:40,569 --> 00:54:43,656 [poignant music playing] 1156 00:54:45,491 --> 00:54:46,826 I'll get it back. 1157 00:54:47,326 --> 00:54:48,494 I promise. 1158 00:54:50,162 --> 00:54:51,205 I'm sorry, Ash. 1159 00:54:51,747 --> 00:54:52,665 Yeah, fuck you. 1160 00:54:55,376 --> 00:54:57,253 Machine is the man. 1161 00:54:57,253 --> 00:55:01,340 Hey. Machine. Igor need us in front of train. 1162 00:55:01,340 --> 00:55:03,342 You wait here. We come back with him. 1163 00:55:03,342 --> 00:55:04,510 Machine! 1164 00:55:05,344 --> 00:55:08,639 [in Russian] Enough of this pussy shit! 1165 00:55:09,432 --> 00:55:11,767 Do you talk about that part with...? 1166 00:55:12,810 --> 00:55:14,812 With Ashley when you do your show? 1167 00:55:14,812 --> 00:55:16,230 Obviously not, Dad. 1168 00:55:19,483 --> 00:55:21,318 But I think about it sometimes. 1169 00:55:21,902 --> 00:55:24,905 I think I liked that story better when I thought it was a lie. 1170 00:55:30,578 --> 00:55:34,123 And then what? Story of you being stupid idiot asshole is sad, 1171 00:55:34,123 --> 00:55:37,543 but you need to remember my watch. 1172 00:55:37,543 --> 00:55:39,587 [pensive music playing] 1173 00:55:39,587 --> 00:55:42,673 [Igor laughing and speaking in Russian] 1174 00:55:45,551 --> 00:55:47,053 Oh! [laughs] 1175 00:55:49,847 --> 00:55:51,057 I remember. 1176 00:55:51,557 --> 00:55:53,809 There was one last private cabin. 1177 00:55:53,809 --> 00:55:56,896 {\an8}[ominous music playing] 1178 00:55:58,147 --> 00:56:02,485 {\an8}[in Russian] Please don't. It's a family heirloom. 1179 00:56:02,485 --> 00:56:04,695 [in Russian] Fuck your heirloom. 1180 00:56:05,446 --> 00:56:06,447 [in English] Do it. 1181 00:56:08,991 --> 00:56:09,992 Sorry. 1182 00:56:19,585 --> 00:56:22,588 [pensive classical music playing] 1183 00:56:38,854 --> 00:56:40,564 That was the watch. 1184 00:56:43,651 --> 00:56:45,444 My father was no criminal. 1185 00:56:47,238 --> 00:56:48,697 He was a salesman. 1186 00:56:50,241 --> 00:56:53,828 And then you stole the only thing he ever cared about. 1187 00:56:54,703 --> 00:56:57,248 He called police, but no one would help him. 1188 00:56:57,957 --> 00:57:00,376 It made him say, "Fuck honest living! 1189 00:57:00,376 --> 00:57:03,295 If you want respect, you have to take it." 1190 00:57:04,380 --> 00:57:07,967 And from there, he built our family. 1191 00:57:12,138 --> 00:57:13,305 Oh, my God. 1192 00:57:14,598 --> 00:57:16,559 I'm your origin story. 1193 00:57:17,226 --> 00:57:19,019 Most people see themselves as Batman... 1194 00:57:20,563 --> 00:57:22,648 not the guy who killed Batman's parents. 1195 00:57:22,648 --> 00:57:25,276 What did you do with the watch after that? 1196 00:57:25,276 --> 00:57:27,403 We went back to the bar car. 1197 00:57:27,403 --> 00:57:29,822 Fedor went through all the stuff that we stole. 1198 00:57:29,822 --> 00:57:32,908 [dramatic music playing] 1199 00:57:36,287 --> 00:57:38,205 - Ugh... - [watch playing pensive classical music] 1200 00:57:38,205 --> 00:57:40,833 I hate this song. 1201 00:57:43,377 --> 00:57:45,462 Listen, in Russia, 1202 00:57:46,380 --> 00:57:50,467 we always give gifts to a new friend. 1203 00:57:51,093 --> 00:57:52,344 Take, Machine. 1204 00:57:54,263 --> 00:57:55,931 He gave you the watch? 1205 00:57:57,099 --> 00:58:00,019 - Where is it, Bert? I need to know. - [Bert] I don't know. 1206 00:58:00,019 --> 00:58:01,061 [man] Machine. 1207 00:58:02,396 --> 00:58:04,023 Igor is here. 1208 00:58:06,025 --> 00:58:10,237 Igor, I present to you the Machine. 1209 00:58:10,779 --> 00:58:13,032 [tense music playing] 1210 00:58:14,491 --> 00:58:15,492 [Igor speaks in Russian] 1211 00:58:15,492 --> 00:58:18,204 Your friend has aged even worse than you. 1212 00:58:19,413 --> 00:58:21,540 [in English] My men say: 1213 00:58:22,166 --> 00:58:26,629 "Come to meet famous Machine from a vodka bottle." 1214 00:58:26,629 --> 00:58:28,380 I say, "Why not? 1215 00:58:28,380 --> 00:58:29,924 You can take selfie." 1216 00:58:31,258 --> 00:58:33,052 But you're not famous. 1217 00:58:35,554 --> 00:58:37,264 You have tits. 1218 00:58:38,307 --> 00:58:39,850 Yeah, we've established that. 1219 00:58:39,850 --> 00:58:42,311 I don't know this guy. This isn't Igor. 1220 00:58:42,311 --> 00:58:43,604 Who are you? 1221 00:58:43,604 --> 00:58:46,440 I knew old Igor. My name is also Igor. 1222 00:58:47,233 --> 00:58:49,985 I took train from him, make him disappear. 1223 00:58:51,237 --> 00:58:52,404 My train now. 1224 00:58:53,030 --> 00:58:54,615 Wait, Igor's dead? 1225 00:58:55,157 --> 00:58:55,991 Yeah. 1226 00:58:56,492 --> 00:58:58,827 - And you're gonna die also. - [Irina] Enough. 1227 00:59:00,329 --> 00:59:02,873 I'm Irina Ivanona Volgina. 1228 00:59:03,582 --> 00:59:05,376 You know who my father is. 1229 00:59:06,001 --> 00:59:08,921 These two dipshits belong to me. 1230 00:59:08,921 --> 00:59:12,800 Now go, if you want to live to see your children again. 1231 00:59:14,551 --> 00:59:15,678 Stupid bitch. 1232 00:59:16,512 --> 00:59:18,264 You think I didn't ask for permission? 1233 00:59:18,931 --> 00:59:20,140 Permission? 1234 00:59:25,771 --> 00:59:26,814 [Albert growls] 1235 00:59:27,982 --> 00:59:29,400 All right! 1236 00:59:30,401 --> 00:59:31,735 Listen up. 1237 00:59:32,361 --> 00:59:34,321 - Never show fear, right? - Yeah. 1238 00:59:34,321 --> 00:59:35,239 Now, look. 1239 00:59:35,781 --> 00:59:37,491 [Bert] Wait, that's the knife you gave me. 1240 00:59:37,491 --> 00:59:39,952 No. I gave you one just like it. 1241 00:59:39,952 --> 00:59:41,912 I knew you couldn't be trusted with the original. 1242 00:59:41,912 --> 00:59:43,789 - I'm not an idiot. - Oh, my God. 1243 00:59:43,789 --> 00:59:45,833 You heard me pining about that knife. 1244 00:59:45,833 --> 00:59:48,794 You knew I felt guilty for losing it for like 25 years! 1245 00:59:48,794 --> 00:59:49,962 That's enough. 1246 00:59:50,546 --> 00:59:52,172 [Bert] Dad, stab this bald fucker. 1247 00:59:52,172 --> 00:59:53,549 I'm sorry, son. 1248 00:59:54,133 --> 00:59:55,467 - But... - [Bert] I can't breathe. 1249 00:59:55,467 --> 00:59:59,847 ...I swore I would never use a weapon for violence. 1250 01:00:09,732 --> 01:00:10,566 [in Russian] Hello. 1251 01:00:10,566 --> 01:00:13,652 [dramatic music playing] 1252 01:00:13,652 --> 01:00:14,820 [Bert] Whoa! 1253 01:00:15,654 --> 01:00:16,780 Oh, my God. 1254 01:00:17,573 --> 01:00:18,949 She cut his throat, Dad. 1255 01:00:18,949 --> 01:00:20,951 Oh, no, don't touch it. It's bad. 1256 01:00:20,951 --> 01:00:22,536 Oh, why is he touching it? 1257 01:00:22,536 --> 01:00:24,705 Oh, no. Why are you smiling? 1258 01:00:25,622 --> 01:00:27,041 Stop. Stop right there. Stop. 1259 01:00:27,041 --> 01:00:29,460 What am I supposed to do, Dad? What am I supposed to do? 1260 01:00:29,460 --> 01:00:30,544 Hit him, son. 1261 01:00:34,048 --> 01:00:35,132 [screams] 1262 01:00:35,132 --> 01:00:36,842 Oh, my God, Dad, I'm inside him! 1263 01:00:36,842 --> 01:00:39,636 - Oh, my God! [screaming] - [Igor grunting] 1264 01:00:40,721 --> 01:00:43,349 Let go of my arm! I'll try to get it out! 1265 01:00:43,349 --> 01:00:45,059 He's so warm! 1266 01:00:45,059 --> 01:00:47,603 No, no, no, no, no! God! 1267 01:00:52,274 --> 01:00:54,401 God! Help me let go! 1268 01:00:54,401 --> 01:00:56,236 God! You're, like, fisting his neck. 1269 01:00:56,236 --> 01:00:57,446 Help me! 1270 01:00:57,446 --> 01:00:59,281 Son of a bitch! God! 1271 01:00:59,281 --> 01:01:01,909 It's like a pickle jar. Just let go of the pickle. 1272 01:01:01,909 --> 01:01:04,745 Damn it, Dad. It's nothing like a pickle jar! 1273 01:01:04,745 --> 01:01:05,829 Oh, shit! 1274 01:01:05,829 --> 01:01:07,539 - Incoming! - [crossing alarm ringing] 1275 01:01:07,539 --> 01:01:10,084 Pull, pull, pull, pull, pull, pull, pull, pull! 1276 01:01:13,003 --> 01:01:15,714 [both screaming] 1277 01:01:15,714 --> 01:01:16,799 Oh, my God! 1278 01:01:16,799 --> 01:01:18,634 Get it off! Get it off me! 1279 01:01:18,634 --> 01:01:20,010 Get it off me! 1280 01:01:20,010 --> 01:01:21,887 No, not that way! The other way! 1281 01:01:21,887 --> 01:01:23,180 [yells] 1282 01:01:25,641 --> 01:01:29,061 Hey, were you saying "pull" or "pole"? 1283 01:01:29,061 --> 01:01:31,563 Does it really fucking matter, Dad?! 1284 01:01:32,231 --> 01:01:34,233 Why did he say he had permission to kill us? 1285 01:01:36,026 --> 01:01:38,278 I know where we can find out. 1286 01:01:38,278 --> 01:01:40,364 [laughing and chattering] 1287 01:01:42,116 --> 01:01:44,868 Uh, hello. Can I have your attention, please? 1288 01:01:45,452 --> 01:01:49,039 We're here looking for whoever sent that large, bald man 1289 01:01:49,039 --> 01:01:51,041 to kill me and my son. 1290 01:01:51,041 --> 01:01:52,334 [Bert] Dad. Hey, Dad. 1291 01:01:53,001 --> 01:01:53,836 Dad. 1292 01:01:53,836 --> 01:01:55,796 Maybe ease up on the Russian mafia, okay? 1293 01:01:55,796 --> 01:01:58,507 [dramatic music playing] 1294 01:02:04,972 --> 01:02:07,182 - [Irina] Alexei. - Hm. It is so nice to see you, sister. 1295 01:02:07,182 --> 01:02:08,100 ALEXEI 1296 01:02:08,100 --> 01:02:10,561 - You have another brother? - [Irina] Mm. 1297 01:02:10,561 --> 01:02:13,230 [Alexei] Da. Three of us. Now two. 1298 01:02:13,230 --> 01:02:14,898 But thank you for killing him. 1299 01:02:15,899 --> 01:02:17,734 He was pain in ass. 1300 01:02:19,027 --> 01:02:20,487 And very stupid. 1301 01:02:21,905 --> 01:02:23,907 You have the meanest family of all time. 1302 01:02:23,907 --> 01:02:26,577 Kind of you to say, Machine. 1303 01:02:27,286 --> 01:02:30,497 I can't agree with your methods or your business model, 1304 01:02:30,497 --> 01:02:32,833 but it warms my heart to see a son 1305 01:02:32,833 --> 01:02:35,461 willing to take on his father's legacy. 1306 01:02:35,461 --> 01:02:38,464 Albert, Machine's father. 1307 01:02:38,464 --> 01:02:39,548 [laughs] 1308 01:02:40,632 --> 01:02:41,884 Oh, sister. 1309 01:02:41,884 --> 01:02:44,761 I intend to bring our father the watch Machine stole. 1310 01:02:44,761 --> 01:02:46,096 It is over. 1311 01:02:47,181 --> 01:02:48,348 Give me Machine. 1312 01:02:48,348 --> 01:02:50,309 Machine leads me to watch. 1313 01:02:50,309 --> 01:02:51,768 I win. 1314 01:02:51,768 --> 01:02:53,812 All right. You win. 1315 01:02:53,812 --> 01:02:55,189 You get the watch. 1316 01:02:57,024 --> 01:02:58,233 It is here? 1317 01:02:58,233 --> 01:03:00,068 Oh, yeah. It is here. 1318 01:03:01,278 --> 01:03:02,154 In this room. 1319 01:03:03,989 --> 01:03:06,867 We don't have it. We came to collect it. 1320 01:03:10,037 --> 01:03:10,913 From him. 1321 01:03:11,455 --> 01:03:12,581 Keyser Söze. 1322 01:03:13,832 --> 01:03:15,417 Keyser Söze? 1323 01:03:15,417 --> 01:03:18,128 Yeah, he has it. Go ahead, give it to him. 1324 01:03:18,128 --> 01:03:20,047 [man speaks in Russian] Who the fuck is Keyser Soze? 1325 01:03:20,047 --> 01:03:22,216 - [speaks in Russian] - [Bert] Yep, it's his now. 1326 01:03:22,216 --> 01:03:24,843 - I'm out of the equation. - [suspenseful music playing] 1327 01:03:24,843 --> 01:03:27,930 - [speaks in Russian] - [Alexei speaks in Russian] 1328 01:03:32,518 --> 01:03:34,186 [dramatic music playing] 1329 01:03:34,186 --> 01:03:35,521 Where are we going? 1330 01:03:35,521 --> 01:03:36,939 You're gonna get us all killed! 1331 01:03:36,939 --> 01:03:38,273 Shut up and run. 1332 01:03:40,275 --> 01:03:41,318 There we go. 1333 01:03:52,454 --> 01:03:53,455 [Irina] Fuck! 1334 01:03:54,206 --> 01:03:56,208 [tense music playing] 1335 01:03:56,208 --> 01:03:59,670 Tsk, tsk, tsk. You make me chase you. 1336 01:04:02,589 --> 01:04:03,799 Not nice. 1337 01:04:06,051 --> 01:04:08,011 You think you're so cool. 1338 01:04:08,804 --> 01:04:12,057 Sister, do you really think you'd take over family? 1339 01:04:14,309 --> 01:04:15,310 Why? 1340 01:04:16,770 --> 01:04:18,605 I'm strong. I'm smart. 1341 01:04:18,605 --> 01:04:20,566 Please. You are a woman. 1342 01:04:22,734 --> 01:04:24,319 The world is changing. 1343 01:04:25,153 --> 01:04:26,655 Even for our family. 1344 01:04:26,655 --> 01:04:30,492 Father and I, we laugh about your delusions. 1345 01:04:33,704 --> 01:04:36,999 You and Father always underestimate me. 1346 01:04:38,709 --> 01:04:39,793 But you know what? 1347 01:04:41,461 --> 01:04:43,714 I deserve to be treated as an equal. 1348 01:04:44,673 --> 01:04:45,674 Agreed. 1349 01:04:52,556 --> 01:04:53,557 Huh. 1350 01:04:54,766 --> 01:04:56,685 [dramatic music playing] 1351 01:05:04,943 --> 01:05:06,361 - [Alexei] Hey. - Jesus. 1352 01:05:06,361 --> 01:05:08,238 I like this feminism thing. 1353 01:05:09,406 --> 01:05:12,743 And if you don't want me to kill your father next, 1354 01:05:13,285 --> 01:05:15,120 you will take me to the watch. 1355 01:05:15,120 --> 01:05:18,165 [Bert] All right. Stop, stop, stop, stop. I'm gonna do whatever you want. 1356 01:05:18,165 --> 01:05:20,375 Don't hurt my father, okay? Give me a second. 1357 01:05:20,375 --> 01:05:22,419 Dad. Dad, Dad, Dad. Listen to me. Listen to me. 1358 01:05:22,419 --> 01:05:23,837 We're gonna be fine. We're gonna be a team. 1359 01:05:23,837 --> 01:05:25,380 Dad, listen to me right now, okay? 1360 01:05:25,380 --> 01:05:27,966 Butch Cassidy and Sundance. End of the movie, Dad. 1361 01:05:27,966 --> 01:05:30,510 - Waterfall. We're gonna waterfall. - Enough. 1362 01:05:32,971 --> 01:05:35,057 This is for your own good. 1363 01:05:35,932 --> 01:05:38,602 [pensive classical music playing] 1364 01:05:41,980 --> 01:05:46,068 [screams] Dad! 1365 01:05:56,953 --> 01:06:00,040 My son is a moron. You were wasting your time. 1366 01:06:00,040 --> 01:06:01,667 I'll help find your watch. 1367 01:06:02,292 --> 01:06:06,338 But only if you promise to keep my granddaughter safe. 1368 01:06:06,338 --> 01:06:09,424 [ominous music playing] 1369 01:06:09,424 --> 01:06:10,509 [laughs] 1370 01:06:12,636 --> 01:06:15,472 You are a very good father. 1371 01:06:27,401 --> 01:06:28,735 [Sasha] A cop pulled us over. 1372 01:06:28,735 --> 01:06:30,362 Dad, there's a cop. 1373 01:06:30,362 --> 01:06:33,365 Officer, no, I don't have a driver's license. 1374 01:06:33,365 --> 01:06:35,450 My dad's in the backseat. 1375 01:06:35,450 --> 01:06:38,120 Dad, stop. Shit, Dad. 1376 01:06:38,120 --> 01:06:39,287 Dad, wake up. 1377 01:06:41,331 --> 01:06:42,207 [groans] 1378 01:06:43,333 --> 01:06:46,128 [groaning] Oh, God. 1379 01:06:51,049 --> 01:06:52,384 Oh, shit. 1380 01:06:53,802 --> 01:06:55,846 [groaning] Ow! 1381 01:06:55,846 --> 01:06:58,014 Son of a bitch. 1382 01:07:07,357 --> 01:07:09,943 Hello? 1383 01:07:09,943 --> 01:07:11,194 Fucking Dad. 1384 01:07:12,446 --> 01:07:13,447 I'm tired. 1385 01:07:14,656 --> 01:07:17,325 I'm sore. I'm hungry. 1386 01:07:18,201 --> 01:07:19,202 I'm hungry. 1387 01:07:25,959 --> 01:07:27,210 Thank you, Ash. 1388 01:07:33,592 --> 01:07:36,511 [crow cawing] 1389 01:07:36,511 --> 01:07:39,598 [pensive music swirling] 1390 01:07:47,689 --> 01:07:49,900 [rock music playing over headphones] 1391 01:07:51,860 --> 01:07:52,944 Wait. 1392 01:07:53,779 --> 01:07:54,613 Hey. 1393 01:07:54,613 --> 01:07:55,947 Is my daughter okay? 1394 01:07:56,573 --> 01:07:57,407 No. 1395 01:07:58,074 --> 01:07:59,034 [whimpers] 1396 01:07:59,951 --> 01:08:02,245 [Albert] My son is a moron. 1397 01:08:04,289 --> 01:08:05,916 [Young Bert] Hey, what's up, sleepyhead? 1398 01:08:06,458 --> 01:08:08,877 - What's this thing? - It's a mace. 1399 01:08:09,628 --> 01:08:10,921 The fuck are you doing here? 1400 01:08:10,921 --> 01:08:13,173 Oh, I'm not here. You're just really high. 1401 01:08:16,176 --> 01:08:17,636 I am really high. 1402 01:08:22,265 --> 01:08:24,726 God, I came to Russia to become a man. 1403 01:08:24,726 --> 01:08:26,812 All I became was an asshole criminal. 1404 01:08:26,812 --> 01:08:29,898 Yeah. You're gonna hang on to that for a while. 1405 01:08:29,898 --> 01:08:32,108 A lot of it, all the shit that happened on the train. 1406 01:08:32,734 --> 01:08:35,779 But, hey, that shirtless idiot thing? 1407 01:08:36,238 --> 01:08:38,240 [chuckles] It pays off bigtime. 1408 01:08:38,240 --> 01:08:39,407 - Really? - Oh, yeah. 1409 01:08:39,407 --> 01:08:41,117 - Yeah? - Oh, dude. 1410 01:08:41,117 --> 01:08:44,246 This trip to Russia sets you on a path. 1411 01:08:44,830 --> 01:08:46,957 You, my friend, are great at making people laugh. 1412 01:08:46,957 --> 01:08:48,083 Thanks, man. 1413 01:08:48,083 --> 01:08:49,167 Yeah. 1414 01:08:49,668 --> 01:08:51,586 - I am gonna be okay. - Yeah. 1415 01:08:52,254 --> 01:08:54,005 And then your wife's gonna put you in therapy. 1416 01:08:54,005 --> 01:08:55,090 Whoa. 1417 01:08:55,090 --> 01:08:56,883 - We're married? - Oh, yeah. 1418 01:08:56,883 --> 01:08:58,260 Is she hot? 1419 01:08:58,260 --> 01:08:59,970 - I mean, yeah. - Wait, what do you mean? 1420 01:08:59,970 --> 01:09:03,223 I mean, I think she's hot. I think she's hot. I mean, she's 50. 1421 01:09:05,642 --> 01:09:07,686 You married a 50-year-old? 1422 01:09:08,270 --> 01:09:10,897 Dude, what the fuck? I thought you said we were gonna be okay. 1423 01:09:10,897 --> 01:09:12,399 No, I forgot how dumb I am. 1424 01:09:12,399 --> 01:09:13,817 We married her when she was 30. 1425 01:09:13,817 --> 01:09:16,611 She was-- She still is a smoke show. She's hot as shit, okay? 1426 01:09:16,611 --> 01:09:18,572 - Okay. - Don't make me defend our wife. 1427 01:09:18,572 --> 01:09:19,489 [groans] 1428 01:09:19,489 --> 01:09:20,574 She's a great mom. 1429 01:09:20,574 --> 01:09:21,700 Whoa. 1430 01:09:21,700 --> 01:09:22,617 We got kids? 1431 01:09:22,617 --> 01:09:23,702 - Yeah. - Boys? 1432 01:09:23,702 --> 01:09:25,370 - Mm... - Ah, I knew we'd have boys. 1433 01:09:25,370 --> 01:09:26,788 I always wanted to have boys. 1434 01:09:26,788 --> 01:09:28,206 Look at us. 1435 01:09:28,206 --> 01:09:31,877 Both of us just figuring ourselves out. 1436 01:09:32,752 --> 01:09:33,628 Ah. 1437 01:09:33,628 --> 01:09:35,171 Well, I am. 1438 01:09:35,797 --> 01:09:37,340 You're still pretty lost. 1439 01:09:37,340 --> 01:09:40,051 I mean, you're literally lost in a forest. 1440 01:09:40,051 --> 01:09:41,469 High on a pot brownie. 1441 01:09:41,469 --> 01:09:44,014 'Cause your dad kicked you off a train. 1442 01:09:44,014 --> 01:09:45,348 Because he hates you. 1443 01:09:45,348 --> 01:09:48,560 Because you can't save your own daughter, who hates you. 1444 01:09:48,560 --> 01:09:51,646 Now your wife's gonna hate you. Your whole family pretty much hates you. 1445 01:09:51,646 --> 01:09:52,981 Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. 1446 01:09:52,981 --> 01:09:55,400 I know this. I know this. Why are you doing this to me? 1447 01:09:55,400 --> 01:09:58,069 'Cause I'm trying to save you. You're about to get shot. 1448 01:09:59,613 --> 01:10:00,447 How so? 1449 01:10:00,447 --> 01:10:03,950 You're about to get shot. 1450 01:10:03,950 --> 01:10:06,036 Meaning what? 1451 01:10:06,036 --> 01:10:07,787 You're under fire. 1452 01:10:07,787 --> 01:10:10,206 - [bullets impacting] - [screaming] 1453 01:10:11,374 --> 01:10:13,793 [dramatic music playing] 1454 01:10:21,384 --> 01:10:22,844 Fuck! God! 1455 01:10:23,678 --> 01:10:24,846 Oh, my God! 1456 01:10:26,264 --> 01:10:27,265 Fuck. 1457 01:10:29,643 --> 01:10:32,646 [suspenseful music playing] 1458 01:10:46,618 --> 01:10:47,702 Bert? 1459 01:10:48,536 --> 01:10:49,537 Igor? 1460 01:10:53,708 --> 01:10:55,752 - Bert. - Igor! 1461 01:10:56,670 --> 01:10:58,588 - Machina! - Igor! 1462 01:10:58,588 --> 01:11:01,508 You look like a big bear. I mean, what? 1463 01:11:01,508 --> 01:11:02,968 - Oh! - [laughing] 1464 01:11:02,968 --> 01:11:05,804 - God. - My friend, you are here. 1465 01:11:05,804 --> 01:11:09,432 I can't believe you're alive. Oh, shit. It's good to see you. 1466 01:11:09,432 --> 01:11:10,725 [Igor laughing] 1467 01:11:13,812 --> 01:11:15,188 Do you have any snacks? 1468 01:11:15,188 --> 01:11:18,274 [Russian folk music playing on radio] 1469 01:11:18,733 --> 01:11:20,819 This is my home. 1470 01:11:20,819 --> 01:11:21,987 For years now. 1471 01:11:21,987 --> 01:11:24,948 - Nice. It's kind of like West Virginia. - Yeah. West Vagina. 1472 01:11:24,948 --> 01:11:27,993 Igor! Deuces. 1473 01:11:27,993 --> 01:11:29,619 [Bert] That's uncircumcised. 1474 01:11:29,619 --> 01:11:32,163 [Bert and Igor laughing] 1475 01:11:32,163 --> 01:11:33,832 - You almost hit that guy, Igor. - Yeah. 1476 01:11:33,832 --> 01:11:34,749 [honks horn] 1477 01:11:35,417 --> 01:11:36,751 It's a tradition here. 1478 01:11:37,377 --> 01:11:38,670 Ah, look at this. 1479 01:11:39,295 --> 01:11:40,338 This is it. 1480 01:11:40,338 --> 01:11:41,256 IGOR'S VILLAGE 1481 01:11:41,256 --> 01:11:42,590 - [Bert] This is your house? - [Igor] Yeah. 1482 01:11:42,590 --> 01:11:44,676 [children laughing] 1483 01:11:48,138 --> 01:11:49,681 Holy shit. 1484 01:11:49,681 --> 01:11:52,767 Oh! Wait, are these all your kids? 1485 01:11:52,767 --> 01:11:55,520 Yeah, this is most of my kids. 1486 01:11:55,520 --> 01:11:58,815 - Oh, my God. - [speaking in Russian] 1487 01:11:59,524 --> 01:12:01,234 Jesus, you know you can pull out, right? 1488 01:12:01,234 --> 01:12:04,320 [in English] Yes, but my dick is little bit longer, so I'm like: 1489 01:12:04,320 --> 01:12:06,573 - Oh, like a magician. - Magician! 1490 01:12:06,573 --> 01:12:08,408 - With the scarves! - Yeah. 1491 01:12:08,408 --> 01:12:09,868 - Hey. - I missed you. 1492 01:12:10,785 --> 01:12:12,787 [speaks in Russian] 1493 01:12:14,706 --> 01:12:15,665 ...Machina! 1494 01:12:15,665 --> 01:12:17,625 Hey! Yeah! 1495 01:12:17,625 --> 01:12:19,210 - Oh, Machina! - Yeah! 1496 01:12:19,210 --> 01:12:21,296 [speaking in Russian] 1497 01:12:25,675 --> 01:12:26,509 Huh? 1498 01:12:28,094 --> 01:12:28,928 Igor. 1499 01:12:28,928 --> 01:12:30,472 Igor, Igor. 1500 01:12:30,472 --> 01:12:32,557 [Igor speaking in Russian] 1501 01:12:33,767 --> 01:12:36,895 [in English] My wife, she's a big fan of you, Machine. 1502 01:12:36,895 --> 01:12:38,438 - Oh! - Many in village are. 1503 01:12:38,438 --> 01:12:40,190 They listen to your podcast. 1504 01:12:40,190 --> 01:12:42,108 Why no new episodes? 1505 01:12:42,108 --> 01:12:44,027 [in Russian] Igor, have you killed the bear? 1506 01:12:44,027 --> 01:12:49,532 [in Russian] Not yet, but this is better! I find friend, Machine. Real one! 1507 01:12:50,617 --> 01:12:53,787 [in Russian] Blessed day for our village! 1508 01:12:53,787 --> 01:12:59,042 First you find Machine, Then I find whore! 1509 01:12:59,042 --> 01:13:00,919 - [in English] She find whore. - What? 1510 01:13:00,919 --> 01:13:03,004 [woman speaking in Russian] 1511 01:13:04,005 --> 01:13:07,008 - [villagers chattering] - [suspenseful music playing] 1512 01:13:10,261 --> 01:13:13,139 - Holy shit! Irina! You're alive! - [groans] 1513 01:13:13,139 --> 01:13:15,308 How the fuck are you still alive? 1514 01:13:15,308 --> 01:13:17,727 Goddamn it. Oh, my God! 1515 01:13:18,269 --> 01:13:20,355 [in English] Would you like to buy her for the fucking? 1516 01:13:20,355 --> 01:13:21,856 I don't know. 1517 01:13:21,856 --> 01:13:23,942 What do you think? How much? 1518 01:13:23,942 --> 01:13:25,693 More than you have. 1519 01:13:26,402 --> 01:13:27,695 I don't know, maybe-- 1520 01:13:27,695 --> 01:13:29,906 Oh, my God! What happened to your leg? 1521 01:13:29,906 --> 01:13:31,199 Oh, that looks bad. 1522 01:13:31,199 --> 01:13:33,076 Here, tell me if you feel this. 1523 01:13:33,076 --> 01:13:34,494 - [screams] - Oh! 1524 01:13:34,494 --> 01:13:36,704 Igor! Help! I know this whore! 1525 01:13:36,704 --> 01:13:38,081 Let's get her in your house! 1526 01:13:38,081 --> 01:13:40,750 - Here. - Igor, do you have any hydrogen peroxide? 1527 01:13:40,750 --> 01:13:44,129 Uh... no, but we have many kind of animal spit. 1528 01:13:44,129 --> 01:13:45,797 - Okay, well, here you go. - Fuck! [screams] 1529 01:13:45,797 --> 01:13:47,799 Okay, you're fine. No, no, no. We're good. 1530 01:13:47,799 --> 01:13:50,176 - Fuck! - Just get me something to dress it with. 1531 01:13:50,176 --> 01:13:53,429 - I gotta get this boot off. - [Irina cries, then groans] 1532 01:13:53,429 --> 01:13:56,057 - Okay. Okay, here we go. - Okay. Wait, wait, be careful. 1533 01:13:57,892 --> 01:13:59,435 - [Bert] All right. - [Irina groans] 1534 01:14:00,061 --> 01:14:02,605 Oh, it's pretty bad. Okay. - [groaning] 1535 01:14:02,605 --> 01:14:03,690 [retches] 1536 01:14:03,690 --> 01:14:05,984 - Oh, is it bad? - It's not that bad. 1537 01:14:05,984 --> 01:14:08,027 - Is it that bad? Oh, fuck! - It's not that bad. 1538 01:14:08,027 --> 01:14:10,155 I just can't look at it. [vomits] 1539 01:14:10,155 --> 01:14:11,447 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 1540 01:14:11,447 --> 01:14:13,199 - I'm sorry. I'm sorry. - Fuck! 1541 01:14:13,199 --> 01:14:14,742 It's fine. It's fine. 1542 01:14:15,368 --> 01:14:17,245 Did you just put it in your pocket? 1543 01:14:17,245 --> 01:14:18,663 I didn't know where to put it. 1544 01:14:18,663 --> 01:14:21,416 Oh, I'm gonna be sick now. Oh, fuck! 1545 01:14:21,416 --> 01:14:23,877 Don't you throw up. If you throw up, I'm gonna throw up. 1546 01:14:23,877 --> 01:14:26,254 Don't throw up. Don't throw up. Please don't throw up. 1547 01:14:26,254 --> 01:14:29,757 - I won't throw up. You don't throw up. - I won't throw up, if you don't throw up. 1548 01:14:29,757 --> 01:14:31,467 - I'll trust you. Okay. - Deal. 1549 01:14:31,467 --> 01:14:33,469 Oh, God. Okay. 1550 01:14:34,888 --> 01:14:37,473 - Just do something about it! - I don't think I can do this. 1551 01:14:38,183 --> 01:14:39,517 Give me a pep talk. 1552 01:14:39,517 --> 01:14:42,270 - Just pull it out. You can do it. - Okay. 1553 01:14:42,270 --> 01:14:44,689 - I can do it? - You can do it. Just pull it out. Okay? 1554 01:14:44,689 --> 01:14:46,482 - One, two... - Three, two... 1555 01:14:46,482 --> 01:14:47,442 No, wait. No, wait. 1556 01:14:47,442 --> 01:14:50,111 - Three! Two! One! - Three! Two! One! 1557 01:14:50,111 --> 01:14:52,614 [both yelling] 1558 01:14:55,825 --> 01:14:57,410 I did it! I did it! 1559 01:14:58,244 --> 01:14:59,787 You're not gonna... 1560 01:15:06,002 --> 01:15:08,004 [Bert, Igor, Irina, Sonia laughing] 1561 01:15:08,004 --> 01:15:10,256 So anyway, I shoot the dude, 1562 01:15:10,256 --> 01:15:12,842 he shoots another dude, dude shoots another dude. 1563 01:15:12,842 --> 01:15:16,012 Three dudes, one-- Four-- Three-- Three bullets. 1564 01:15:16,012 --> 01:15:18,598 It was top ten all-time kills for me. Hell, yeah! 1565 01:15:18,598 --> 01:15:20,516 Yeah. Oh, is this...? 1566 01:15:20,516 --> 01:15:23,436 - Are we high-fiving a murder? - Yeah. 1567 01:15:23,436 --> 01:15:25,730 Hey, where is your father now? 1568 01:15:25,730 --> 01:15:27,899 Who the fuck knows? 1569 01:15:27,899 --> 01:15:30,777 Let me tell you something. If he is alive, I'm fucking killing him. 1570 01:15:30,777 --> 01:15:32,362 [Igor laughs] 1571 01:15:32,362 --> 01:15:34,405 Hey, Igor, what brought you here? 1572 01:15:34,405 --> 01:15:36,407 Hey, thanks to you, Bert. 1573 01:15:36,407 --> 01:15:38,076 - Me? - Yeah. 1574 01:15:38,076 --> 01:15:39,160 What? 1575 01:15:39,160 --> 01:15:42,622 When I saw how you find joy in every moment, 1576 01:15:42,622 --> 01:15:46,167 it make me think, "Mafia is dangerous." 1577 01:15:47,418 --> 01:15:48,795 Not easy life. 1578 01:15:48,795 --> 01:15:53,383 And one day, as I strangle man for not paying me for... 1579 01:15:54,676 --> 01:15:55,885 ah, whatever, 1580 01:15:55,885 --> 01:15:58,596 - I remembered something you say. - What? 1581 01:15:58,596 --> 01:16:02,558 You told me most important thing in life, 1582 01:16:02,558 --> 01:16:04,602 it is to find your smile. 1583 01:16:05,436 --> 01:16:06,562 - Oh! - Eh? 1584 01:16:07,272 --> 01:16:09,190 - Ho, ho, ho. Igor. - Huh? 1585 01:16:09,190 --> 01:16:11,484 I stole that from City Slickers. 1586 01:16:12,026 --> 01:16:14,904 Billy Crystal? 1980s? Cowboys? Nothing? 1587 01:16:14,904 --> 01:16:17,282 His whole deal is stealing shit. 1588 01:16:17,282 --> 01:16:19,617 Back then, Irina. Okay? 1589 01:16:19,617 --> 01:16:22,578 Hey, I just left. It was my choice. 1590 01:16:22,578 --> 01:16:23,997 My smile. 1591 01:16:23,997 --> 01:16:26,374 Mafia was not my smile. 1592 01:16:26,374 --> 01:16:29,168 This was. Children, family, Sonia. 1593 01:16:29,669 --> 01:16:33,214 In mafia, I would have died. 1594 01:16:33,214 --> 01:16:35,925 But I have this, thanks to you, Bert. 1595 01:16:35,925 --> 01:16:37,677 You saved my life. 1596 01:16:41,514 --> 01:16:42,807 Good for you, Igor. 1597 01:16:43,641 --> 01:16:45,518 Hey, at least I didn't ruin his life, right? 1598 01:16:50,481 --> 01:16:51,482 [Irina whispers] Bert? 1599 01:16:51,482 --> 01:16:53,568 [children laughing] 1600 01:16:57,030 --> 01:16:58,072 Bert? 1601 01:17:02,035 --> 01:17:04,370 Hey. Are you asleep? 1602 01:17:05,121 --> 01:17:06,122 Yeah. 1603 01:17:06,664 --> 01:17:09,542 What is this thing you did that made your daughter hate you? 1604 01:17:15,006 --> 01:17:16,007 All right. 1605 01:17:18,384 --> 01:17:22,096 So me and my big, fat friend Tom, we're doing a podcast, 1606 01:17:22,680 --> 01:17:25,391 and we get accidentally very fucked up. 1607 01:17:26,768 --> 01:17:28,978 - That's not so bad. - Wait for it. 1608 01:17:28,978 --> 01:17:31,689 So Sasha's 15, right? She's got her learner's permit. 1609 01:17:32,315 --> 01:17:34,609 I'm like, "Hey, come out to me. 1610 01:17:35,360 --> 01:17:38,154 Get my car, drive me home." Right? Bam, bam. 1611 01:17:39,697 --> 01:17:42,575 You asked your teenage daughter to drive you home drunk? 1612 01:17:42,575 --> 01:17:44,660 It gets worse, okay? 1613 01:17:44,660 --> 01:17:46,120 She rolls a stop sign. 1614 01:17:46,746 --> 01:17:48,081 Cop pulls her over. 1615 01:17:50,541 --> 01:17:54,545 Turns out, having a parent in the car doesn't count if the parent's trashed. 1616 01:17:56,881 --> 01:18:00,718 She can't get her license for two years. I got a misdemeanor. It was awful. 1617 01:18:00,718 --> 01:18:03,262 Well, if that's everything, that's not so bad. 1618 01:18:03,971 --> 01:18:07,308 I wish that was the worst thing my father ever did to me. 1619 01:18:07,308 --> 01:18:09,352 It almost sounds nice. 1620 01:18:11,562 --> 01:18:14,399 Four minutes before I passed out, I started a livestream. 1621 01:18:15,233 --> 01:18:17,402 And I livestreamed the entire event. 1622 01:18:18,194 --> 01:18:19,821 It immediately went viral. 1623 01:18:20,988 --> 01:18:22,949 Next weekend was Father's Day. 1624 01:18:22,949 --> 01:18:24,826 [poignant music playing] 1625 01:18:24,826 --> 01:18:26,327 She was so mad. 1626 01:18:28,413 --> 01:18:30,581 Oh, God, she didn't talk to me for a month. 1627 01:18:32,792 --> 01:18:34,168 It was a wake-up call. 1628 01:18:36,838 --> 01:18:38,840 [sniffles, then sobs] 1629 01:18:41,426 --> 01:18:45,888 I've been this party guy for so long, I don't even know who I am anymore. 1630 01:18:47,849 --> 01:18:50,560 [music turns hopeful] 1631 01:18:50,560 --> 01:18:56,065 Then maybe you're not supposed to be only Bert. 1632 01:18:58,776 --> 01:19:00,445 Look what you did for Igor. 1633 01:19:01,696 --> 01:19:04,949 Your stupid drunk talk, it saved his life. 1634 01:19:06,784 --> 01:19:08,161 I don't follow. 1635 01:19:11,122 --> 01:19:14,333 We do not grow by destroying part of ourselves. 1636 01:19:14,834 --> 01:19:17,587 We grow by finding a balance between parts. 1637 01:19:18,838 --> 01:19:20,756 Balance like Steve Urkel. 1638 01:19:23,426 --> 01:19:24,510 Did you just say "Urkel"? 1639 01:19:24,510 --> 01:19:28,139 It's a reference to one of my favorite American television shows. 1640 01:19:28,139 --> 01:19:29,557 Family Matters. 1641 01:19:29,557 --> 01:19:30,933 You know it? 1642 01:19:30,933 --> 01:19:34,061 Yeah. Wait. But wait. What the fuck's Urkel got to do with this? 1643 01:19:34,061 --> 01:19:35,396 Oh! 1644 01:19:35,396 --> 01:19:38,733 In season five, Steve Urkel takes this potion 1645 01:19:38,733 --> 01:19:43,070 that transforms him into Stefan Urquelle, like, this cool version of him. 1646 01:19:43,070 --> 01:19:45,364 Everyone starts hating him, but what does he do? 1647 01:19:45,364 --> 01:19:47,533 He doesn't surrender. 1648 01:19:47,533 --> 01:19:49,035 He improves his formula, 1649 01:19:49,035 --> 01:19:52,455 and in the end, he gets best of both worlds. 1650 01:19:53,122 --> 01:19:55,583 You are the Machine and Bert. 1651 01:19:56,209 --> 01:19:57,877 You have both sides. 1652 01:19:57,877 --> 01:20:00,880 But now you need to balance. 1653 01:20:04,717 --> 01:20:05,551 I get it. 1654 01:20:06,594 --> 01:20:08,179 Goddamn it. 1655 01:20:08,971 --> 01:20:11,057 Can't believe I slept on Family Matters. 1656 01:20:11,057 --> 01:20:13,976 Oh, you should definitely watch it. It's very good. 1657 01:20:16,103 --> 01:20:17,730 "Did I do that?" 1658 01:20:17,730 --> 01:20:19,607 [gasps] He watched it. 1659 01:20:21,526 --> 01:20:24,654 When communists came, politburo burned down the church 1660 01:20:24,654 --> 01:20:26,781 and build this factory. 1661 01:20:26,781 --> 01:20:29,909 When the communists leave, factory closed. 1662 01:20:29,909 --> 01:20:33,079 When I came to the village, I helped them build this. 1663 01:20:33,079 --> 01:20:35,331 - [Bert] You built this? - [Igor] No, no. Inside. 1664 01:20:41,462 --> 01:20:44,173 I took you here because building this place, 1665 01:20:44,173 --> 01:20:46,217 feeling closer to God, 1666 01:20:46,217 --> 01:20:48,719 taught me how to forgive myself. 1667 01:20:48,719 --> 01:20:53,015 You know, for all the bad things that I did, murders, 1668 01:20:53,599 --> 01:20:55,059 all those years ago. 1669 01:20:55,935 --> 01:20:59,605 Why do you think I hooked you up with the train banditti? 1670 01:20:59,605 --> 01:21:01,524 I don't know. To show them a good time? 1671 01:21:01,524 --> 01:21:03,442 Da. And? 1672 01:21:04,652 --> 01:21:06,737 To keep your class safe. 1673 01:21:07,655 --> 01:21:09,657 Train banditti are very dangerous. 1674 01:21:09,657 --> 01:21:11,826 They do terrible things to the passengers. 1675 01:21:11,826 --> 01:21:15,538 I introduced them to Machine to distract them, 1676 01:21:15,538 --> 01:21:18,291 by doing what he always does. 1677 01:21:18,916 --> 01:21:21,377 Yeah. I robbed a lot of people, Igor. 1678 01:21:21,377 --> 01:21:22,628 So? 1679 01:21:23,170 --> 01:21:25,464 Was anyone hurt, killed? 1680 01:21:25,464 --> 01:21:27,883 You spit in a girl's face. You were an asshole. 1681 01:21:27,883 --> 01:21:30,970 - But your class, they were safe - [auspicious music playing] 1682 01:21:30,970 --> 01:21:34,098 because you did exactly what you're supposed to do, 1683 01:21:34,098 --> 01:21:37,184 by showing them good time, making them laugh. 1684 01:21:37,184 --> 01:21:39,520 You protected those people. 1685 01:21:39,520 --> 01:21:42,815 That is what a man does. 1686 01:21:44,025 --> 01:21:45,192 Goddamn it. 1687 01:21:45,192 --> 01:21:47,445 [Irina] Seems you're a good man, Bert. 1688 01:21:49,405 --> 01:21:51,490 - Thanks, Irina. - [pensive classical music playing] 1689 01:21:51,490 --> 01:21:53,075 [Igor] It's time to feed kids. 1690 01:21:53,075 --> 01:21:56,454 Holy shit! That's the watch! Oh! 1691 01:21:56,454 --> 01:21:57,747 My father's watch. 1692 01:22:00,333 --> 01:22:02,376 [dramatic music playing] 1693 01:22:02,376 --> 01:22:03,919 [speaks in Russian] 1694 01:22:03,919 --> 01:22:05,671 How do you have that? 1695 01:22:05,671 --> 01:22:08,341 You gave it to me when you left Russia. 1696 01:22:08,341 --> 01:22:10,760 You said it was thank you for being a true friend. 1697 01:22:10,760 --> 01:22:12,803 You were very, very drunk. 1698 01:22:14,138 --> 01:22:15,640 I was embarrassed taking it, 1699 01:22:15,640 --> 01:22:17,975 but the words were nice, so I just took it. 1700 01:22:17,975 --> 01:22:19,810 Sweet, drunk words. 1701 01:22:19,810 --> 01:22:20,895 God, yes. 1702 01:22:21,520 --> 01:22:22,855 Let's go, Bert. 1703 01:22:22,855 --> 01:22:24,690 I have an empire to claim. 1704 01:22:25,608 --> 01:22:27,526 I would pay to listen to her talk during sex. 1705 01:22:27,526 --> 01:22:29,111 I would pay to have sex with her. 1706 01:22:29,111 --> 01:22:30,905 [Bert] Sorry about your bathroom. 1707 01:22:30,905 --> 01:22:32,948 Thank you for taming the whore. 1708 01:22:32,948 --> 01:22:34,617 No, thank you. 1709 01:22:34,617 --> 01:22:36,285 I'll cherish these. 1710 01:22:36,285 --> 01:22:38,287 The fuck am I supposed to do with a chicken? 1711 01:22:38,287 --> 01:22:41,457 Hey, Bert. I need to come clean. 1712 01:22:41,457 --> 01:22:43,959 After train, I talked to Fedor, and... 1713 01:22:44,710 --> 01:22:47,004 he gave me what you stole from class. 1714 01:22:47,004 --> 01:22:51,133 Then everyone go back to U.S.A., so I kept it to remember. 1715 01:22:51,133 --> 01:22:53,928 - [Bert] Hold on. No way. - [Igor] Yeah. 1716 01:22:54,637 --> 01:22:55,680 Dude. 1717 01:22:55,680 --> 01:22:57,473 Hey, take it. 1718 01:22:57,473 --> 01:22:59,975 And go to Moscow and save your father. 1719 01:23:00,476 --> 01:23:03,729 If he's still alive. He may have been tortured to death. 1720 01:23:05,523 --> 01:23:06,691 I think she's autistic. 1721 01:23:06,691 --> 01:23:07,650 - Yeah. - Yeah. 1722 01:23:07,650 --> 01:23:11,070 Hey, man. Thank you for everything, man. 1723 01:23:11,070 --> 01:23:12,154 - No, no, no. - No? 1724 01:23:12,154 --> 01:23:13,781 You've been a good-luck charm to me. 1725 01:23:13,781 --> 01:23:15,574 - My life changed the day I met you. - Hey. 1726 01:23:15,574 --> 01:23:17,034 - Bert, thank you. - No, thank you. 1727 01:23:17,034 --> 01:23:18,285 - No, thank you. - No, thank you. 1728 01:23:18,285 --> 01:23:19,537 [both yell] 1729 01:23:19,537 --> 01:23:22,707 - God. I'll miss you, brother. - ["Hey Man Nice Shot" playing] 1730 01:23:22,707 --> 01:23:25,835 [Irina] I'm gonna miss these disgusting poor people. 1731 01:23:27,294 --> 01:23:30,047 So you just think it and say it? You don't stop it at all, right? 1732 01:23:30,965 --> 01:23:32,383 Yes, basically. 1733 01:23:33,175 --> 01:23:35,511 - Never met someone like myself before. - Yeah. 1734 01:23:35,511 --> 01:23:38,597 ♪ Hey, man ♪ 1735 01:23:38,597 --> 01:23:40,891 MOSCOW 1736 01:23:40,891 --> 01:23:44,729 ♪ Nice gun ♪ 1737 01:23:46,230 --> 01:23:51,026 ♪ Hey, man ♪ 1738 01:23:51,777 --> 01:23:55,573 ♪ Have fun ♪ 1739 01:23:57,116 --> 01:24:01,287 ♪ Hey, man ♪ 1740 01:24:02,663 --> 01:24:06,459 ♪ Have fun ♪ 1741 01:24:06,459 --> 01:24:08,127 ♪ Nice shot, man ♪ 1742 01:24:08,127 --> 01:24:10,379 - [song fades] - [people laughing and chattering] 1743 01:24:10,379 --> 01:24:12,214 [Albert] So I keep having this recurring dream 1744 01:24:12,214 --> 01:24:13,883 where Dolly Parton throws me her pick, 1745 01:24:13,883 --> 01:24:16,051 calls me on-stage and wants me to jam with her. 1746 01:24:16,051 --> 01:24:17,136 I'm freaking shredding, 1747 01:24:17,136 --> 01:24:19,638 but my fingers turn into spiders and my teeth fall out. 1748 01:24:19,638 --> 01:24:22,683 Pretty sure it's my heart medication having a reaction with my sleeping pill. 1749 01:24:22,683 --> 01:24:24,268 But, hey, it's better than doing acid, 1750 01:24:24,268 --> 01:24:26,645 and kind of the highlight of my day at this point. 1751 01:24:27,146 --> 01:24:30,024 - It's sad but true. - What the fuck is going on in here? 1752 01:24:30,733 --> 01:24:32,026 Oh, hi, son. 1753 01:24:35,112 --> 01:24:36,197 [Bert] You two are buds now? 1754 01:24:38,365 --> 01:24:40,659 Dad, why are you talking all fast like you're on speed or something? 1755 01:24:40,659 --> 01:24:44,413 'Cause I'm on speed. And it is so, so, so, so great. 1756 01:24:44,413 --> 01:24:46,957 Oh! More drugs. 1757 01:24:46,957 --> 01:24:48,167 Ooh. [snorts] 1758 01:24:48,167 --> 01:24:50,753 Ooh! Oh. [laughs] 1759 01:24:50,753 --> 01:24:51,921 Look at me. 1760 01:24:51,921 --> 01:24:54,089 I'm Molly Parton! 1761 01:24:54,089 --> 01:24:56,300 [Albert and Russian laughing] 1762 01:24:57,384 --> 01:24:58,886 You see what I did there? 1763 01:24:58,886 --> 01:25:00,638 [ominous music playing] 1764 01:25:00,638 --> 01:25:02,807 Irina. You're alive. 1765 01:25:03,516 --> 01:25:06,685 - Super. - Yes, asshole, I am alive. 1766 01:25:06,685 --> 01:25:11,273 I brought the Machine, and I even have the watch. 1767 01:25:11,273 --> 01:25:14,193 So suck my dick. 1768 01:25:14,193 --> 01:25:16,403 - Thanks. - Fuck you, Sponge! 1769 01:25:16,403 --> 01:25:18,280 No, fuck you. 1770 01:25:18,280 --> 01:25:19,698 He pay me. 1771 01:25:20,699 --> 01:25:21,742 You hit me. 1772 01:25:22,243 --> 01:25:24,119 [Irina] I should have left you in that gulag, 1773 01:25:24,119 --> 01:25:26,247 with those doctors poking and prodding you. 1774 01:25:26,247 --> 01:25:28,999 I would string you up by your balls. 1775 01:25:30,543 --> 01:25:33,295 [playing pensive classical music] 1776 01:25:33,295 --> 01:25:36,382 [ominous music playing] 1777 01:25:40,052 --> 01:25:41,053 Machine. 1778 01:25:44,014 --> 01:25:45,224 I must say, 1779 01:25:46,392 --> 01:25:47,977 your dad is so fun. 1780 01:25:48,519 --> 01:25:50,980 He is the original Machine. 1781 01:25:52,231 --> 01:25:53,440 [Albert] I'm the prototype. 1782 01:25:53,440 --> 01:25:55,359 He has been partying with us. 1783 01:25:55,359 --> 01:25:59,154 Now, your mom was more of a kind of missionary kind of gal, 1784 01:25:59,154 --> 01:26:02,074 but Annika... Oh, ho! 1785 01:26:02,074 --> 01:26:05,744 - She's got the cushion for the Pushkin. - [Russians laughing] 1786 01:26:06,453 --> 01:26:08,205 Oh, Dad, please stop. 1787 01:26:08,205 --> 01:26:12,334 See, your dad has spent so long looking after you, 1788 01:26:12,334 --> 01:26:14,378 he never got a chance to have fun on his own. 1789 01:26:15,421 --> 01:26:16,505 Oh, ho! 1790 01:26:16,505 --> 01:26:18,674 What a load of horseshit that is. 1791 01:26:18,674 --> 01:26:21,844 Those Dolly Parton tickets he was just bragging about? Front row? 1792 01:26:21,844 --> 01:26:23,721 Who do you think bought them for him? 1793 01:26:23,721 --> 01:26:26,140 And to think I thought I was finally understanding you. 1794 01:26:26,140 --> 01:26:29,310 I found your fucking knife. Yeah, you want this piece of shit? 1795 01:26:29,310 --> 01:26:31,145 When he kicked me off the train, 1796 01:26:31,145 --> 01:26:32,938 I thought, "Maybe he's trying to keep me safe, 1797 01:26:32,938 --> 01:26:34,982 protect me or has a plan." 1798 01:26:34,982 --> 01:26:38,027 But no plan. No fucking plan. 1799 01:26:38,027 --> 01:26:40,029 You're just a big old dick! 1800 01:26:40,905 --> 01:26:44,450 I may have let you down in this world. You've pointed that out a lot. 1801 01:26:44,450 --> 01:26:47,578 But you know what, Dad? You have let me down. 1802 01:26:47,578 --> 01:26:49,538 Just like I let Sasha down. 1803 01:26:50,164 --> 01:26:53,083 I can't believe I thought you were here to take care of me. 1804 01:26:53,083 --> 01:26:55,669 Dad, take a fucking look around. 1805 01:26:55,669 --> 01:26:57,171 You let me down! 1806 01:26:59,548 --> 01:27:00,841 Son. 1807 01:27:01,467 --> 01:27:04,094 I will always take care of you. 1808 01:27:04,762 --> 01:27:05,763 [laughs] 1809 01:27:06,472 --> 01:27:07,473 [Alexei] What? 1810 01:27:08,515 --> 01:27:11,977 You people threatened my granddaughter, 1811 01:27:12,645 --> 01:27:14,438 you kidnapped my son, 1812 01:27:14,438 --> 01:27:18,359 and made me do a lot of amazing drugs. 1813 01:27:18,359 --> 01:27:22,071 And this is how we say thank you in Florida. 1814 01:27:22,071 --> 01:27:23,238 [Alexei grunts] 1815 01:27:23,238 --> 01:27:24,740 [intense music playing] 1816 01:27:24,740 --> 01:27:26,700 Holy shit! 1817 01:27:28,035 --> 01:27:29,161 [women scream] 1818 01:27:30,120 --> 01:27:31,830 Motherfucking Eagle Scout. 1819 01:27:31,830 --> 01:27:33,707 Oh, fuck! 1820 01:27:33,707 --> 01:27:36,335 You have amazing tits! - ["Take Me Home Country Roads" playing] 1821 01:27:36,335 --> 01:27:38,379 - [gunshots] - [Bert] Oh, shit! 1822 01:27:38,379 --> 01:27:39,838 I got the doors! 1823 01:27:40,714 --> 01:27:41,548 God! 1824 01:27:41,548 --> 01:27:43,592 [intense music playing] 1825 01:27:43,592 --> 01:27:45,636 [all clamoring] 1826 01:27:48,931 --> 01:27:50,349 I thought you were nonviolent. 1827 01:27:50,349 --> 01:27:52,893 I am! But I also love my son! 1828 01:27:52,893 --> 01:27:54,812 I knew you'd survive falling off that train 1829 01:27:54,812 --> 01:27:57,564 because of your big old boobies and protective layers of fat. 1830 01:27:58,273 --> 01:27:59,984 Oh, my God, you're so high right now. 1831 01:27:59,984 --> 01:28:03,112 I am so high. I am so high! 1832 01:28:03,112 --> 01:28:06,365 Idiots, stop talking and run. I'll find the watch. 1833 01:28:06,907 --> 01:28:08,450 Come on, come on, come on. 1834 01:28:09,535 --> 01:28:11,453 Shit. Let's go, Keith Richards. 1835 01:28:12,162 --> 01:28:13,580 Dad, come on! Stop lollygagging! 1836 01:28:13,580 --> 01:28:16,792 [dramatic Russian music playing over speakers] 1837 01:28:16,792 --> 01:28:18,877 God. All right. Have a great night, everybody. 1838 01:28:18,877 --> 01:28:20,337 Ooh, you're dropping your money. 1839 01:28:20,337 --> 01:28:22,464 Don't drink and drive. Grab a T-shirt on your way out. 1840 01:28:22,464 --> 01:28:25,718 All right, have a good one. Oh, here we go. The last ones out. 1841 01:28:25,718 --> 01:28:27,845 Sorry for the gunfire, everybody. Have a great night. 1842 01:28:27,845 --> 01:28:29,763 Take care. Thank you very much. 1843 01:28:30,848 --> 01:28:33,058 All right, Dad. We're good. 1844 01:28:33,058 --> 01:28:35,561 Now, listen, I need you to use this drug energy for good. 1845 01:28:35,561 --> 01:28:37,104 All right? Like Charlie Sheen did. 1846 01:28:37,604 --> 01:28:39,523 Oh, shit. Dad, get down. 1847 01:28:55,122 --> 01:28:57,124 [both grunting] 1848 01:29:08,343 --> 01:29:09,178 - Bert. - Shh! 1849 01:29:09,178 --> 01:29:10,679 - I lied. - Stop talking. 1850 01:29:10,679 --> 01:29:11,847 Come on, let's go. 1851 01:29:12,890 --> 01:29:15,434 [Albert] Look at me. I think I failed you as a dad. 1852 01:29:15,434 --> 01:29:17,853 - Dad, be quiet. - I can't. 1853 01:29:17,853 --> 01:29:21,106 I'm feeling so many feelings, and I need to tell you about them. 1854 01:29:22,149 --> 01:29:23,317 Bert? 1855 01:29:23,317 --> 01:29:24,443 - Bert? - What? 1856 01:29:25,235 --> 01:29:26,653 I need to say this. 1857 01:29:26,653 --> 01:29:29,698 Instead of accepting you, I criticized you. 1858 01:29:29,698 --> 01:29:32,409 But it was only because I wanted to keep you safe. 1859 01:29:32,409 --> 01:29:34,328 Why have you never told me this? 1860 01:29:34,328 --> 01:29:35,662 I don't know. It's... 1861 01:29:35,662 --> 01:29:39,708 Vulnerability is scary, and opening up is hard. 1862 01:29:40,584 --> 01:29:42,878 - What drugs did they give you? - Well, well, it was... 1863 01:29:42,878 --> 01:29:44,421 Okay, come on. Let's go. Let's go. 1864 01:29:44,421 --> 01:29:46,757 One was yellow, but I don't know what it was. 1865 01:29:46,757 --> 01:29:49,301 [suspenseful music playing] 1866 01:29:49,301 --> 01:29:51,386 - Bert. - Dad, shut the fuck up. 1867 01:29:51,386 --> 01:29:52,763 This is important. 1868 01:29:55,641 --> 01:29:57,851 - All dads mess up, Bert. - [tender music playing] 1869 01:29:58,602 --> 01:30:00,479 But the good ones, we-- 1870 01:30:01,605 --> 01:30:03,232 We try to do better. 1871 01:30:05,359 --> 01:30:08,070 I guess sometimes it just... 1872 01:30:09,238 --> 01:30:10,697 takes us a while. 1873 01:30:11,323 --> 01:30:12,950 You're my boy, Bert. 1874 01:30:15,160 --> 01:30:16,829 Don't ever forget that. 1875 01:30:17,496 --> 01:30:18,997 You'll always... 1876 01:30:19,790 --> 01:30:21,291 be my boy. 1877 01:30:28,257 --> 01:30:29,508 This is nice, Dad. 1878 01:30:30,134 --> 01:30:32,970 You should do drugs more often. Look at us. 1879 01:30:32,970 --> 01:30:34,847 We're finally working through our shit. 1880 01:30:35,806 --> 01:30:37,975 - [machinegun firing] - [Bert and Albert screaming] 1881 01:30:39,351 --> 01:30:40,644 Dad, let's go! 1882 01:30:41,895 --> 01:30:42,980 Goddamn! 1883 01:30:42,980 --> 01:30:45,357 I just wish it had happened before we were about to die! 1884 01:30:45,357 --> 01:30:47,359 No, we're not gonna die. 1885 01:30:47,901 --> 01:30:48,735 Here. 1886 01:30:49,903 --> 01:30:52,948 You have always succeeded by being exactly you. 1887 01:30:52,948 --> 01:30:54,825 Now, take off that shirt 1888 01:30:54,825 --> 01:30:58,495 and show those SOBs who you really are. 1889 01:31:02,249 --> 01:31:03,250 Hey! 1890 01:31:03,250 --> 01:31:05,335 [dramatic music playing] 1891 01:31:05,335 --> 01:31:08,422 [speaking in Russian] 1892 01:31:09,298 --> 01:31:10,132 [in English] Fuck. 1893 01:31:17,514 --> 01:31:20,601 [dramatic music continues] 1894 01:31:30,027 --> 01:31:32,613 THE MACHINE 1895 01:31:36,200 --> 01:31:39,453 Now you gotta party with me. 1896 01:31:40,078 --> 01:31:41,371 Who the fuck are you? 1897 01:31:41,371 --> 01:31:44,750 He's the motherfucking Machine! 1898 01:31:48,337 --> 01:31:49,922 [all laughing] 1899 01:31:49,922 --> 01:31:51,298 [guns cocking] 1900 01:31:51,298 --> 01:31:52,382 Oh, shit. 1901 01:31:54,051 --> 01:31:57,012 I'm bulletproof, baby! Yeah! 1902 01:31:57,012 --> 01:31:58,680 Come on! Yeah! 1903 01:31:58,680 --> 01:32:02,851 ["More Human Than Human (Meet Bambi in the King's Harem Remix)" playing] 1904 01:32:03,602 --> 01:32:05,604 Suck my dick, Captain America. 1905 01:32:11,235 --> 01:32:12,236 Machina! 1906 01:32:29,211 --> 01:32:31,088 What are you gonna do with a stick? Come on. 1907 01:32:31,088 --> 01:32:34,341 ♪ More human than human... ♪ 1908 01:32:34,341 --> 01:32:35,884 I got your stick now. 1909 01:32:44,559 --> 01:32:45,811 Oh! 1910 01:32:49,773 --> 01:32:50,649 Not too bad. 1911 01:32:50,649 --> 01:32:51,942 Oh! [laughing] 1912 01:32:57,322 --> 01:32:59,032 - [speaks in Russian] - Dad, put your hands down. 1913 01:32:59,032 --> 01:33:00,701 Get down now! Come on! 1914 01:33:00,701 --> 01:33:03,036 God, I'm so strong! 1915 01:33:03,036 --> 01:33:04,121 [yells] 1916 01:33:05,080 --> 01:33:06,665 Here we go. Dad, Dad. Down, down. 1917 01:33:08,333 --> 01:33:09,751 Help me fuck up Lenin. 1918 01:33:09,751 --> 01:33:10,919 - Let's do it. - Come on! 1919 01:33:10,919 --> 01:33:12,462 [Bert yelling] 1920 01:33:18,802 --> 01:33:20,679 - Oh! - [Albert] Oh! [laughs] 1921 01:33:20,679 --> 01:33:22,389 Take that, communist! 1922 01:33:22,389 --> 01:33:24,474 Hey. Eagle Scout. 1923 01:33:25,017 --> 01:33:27,519 We have a rematch. 1924 01:33:34,109 --> 01:33:35,861 - Hammer, Dad. - Here. 1925 01:33:40,782 --> 01:33:43,076 ♪ More human than human ♪ 1926 01:33:43,076 --> 01:33:45,412 Oh, titty boy. 1927 01:33:45,412 --> 01:33:46,496 [Sponge laughs] 1928 01:33:49,249 --> 01:33:50,667 [Albert] I got you, son! 1929 01:33:52,544 --> 01:33:54,796 Dad! Dad! 1930 01:33:54,796 --> 01:33:56,715 Sorry, old man. 1931 01:34:04,931 --> 01:34:06,475 Absorb that, Sponge. 1932 01:34:06,475 --> 01:34:08,143 [laughs] 1933 01:34:08,143 --> 01:34:10,562 Oh, shit. Dad. Get off! 1934 01:34:10,562 --> 01:34:12,314 Are you okay? You okay? 1935 01:34:12,314 --> 01:34:15,067 I-- I saved you. 1936 01:34:15,650 --> 01:34:16,777 Yeah, you did. 1937 01:34:16,777 --> 01:34:18,070 [gunshot] 1938 01:34:18,070 --> 01:34:18,987 Oh, shit. 1939 01:34:18,987 --> 01:34:22,240 Come here! Come on, Dad, let's walk. Oh, shit. Shit. Let me see. 1940 01:34:23,075 --> 01:34:25,911 - [gun cocks] - You... are nothing... 1941 01:34:29,956 --> 01:34:34,044 but an ignorant, fat American who has no respect. 1942 01:34:34,044 --> 01:34:36,880 Our father earned our respect. 1943 01:34:36,880 --> 01:34:39,883 [pensive classical music playing] 1944 01:34:40,509 --> 01:34:41,802 Your father... 1945 01:34:42,803 --> 01:34:44,262 sells carpets. 1946 01:34:45,847 --> 01:34:50,644 I think I will make him watch you die, Machine. 1947 01:34:53,355 --> 01:34:54,856 My name's not Machine. 1948 01:34:59,236 --> 01:35:02,447 My name is Albert Charles Kreischer III, 1949 01:35:02,447 --> 01:35:05,075 son to Albert Charles Kreischer Jr., 1950 01:35:05,075 --> 01:35:08,036 owner and operator of Kreischer Karpets, 1951 01:35:08,036 --> 01:35:11,373 the best goddamn carpets you can find in Southwest Florida! 1952 01:35:11,373 --> 01:35:13,959 Three convenient locations. 1953 01:35:13,959 --> 01:35:15,544 [Albert] Tell him, Dad! 1954 01:35:15,544 --> 01:35:18,839 And if I ever see your albino-looking ass again, 1955 01:35:18,839 --> 01:35:20,549 I'm gonna whip it quick as a bitch. 1956 01:35:20,549 --> 01:35:22,968 And last, but surely not least, 1957 01:35:22,968 --> 01:35:25,220 I'm gonna need that knife back. That's a family heirloom. 1958 01:35:25,804 --> 01:35:26,721 Hm. 1959 01:35:27,806 --> 01:35:29,975 - You want knife? - Oh, yeah. 1960 01:35:29,975 --> 01:35:32,811 [suspenseful music playing] 1961 01:35:32,811 --> 01:35:34,855 Oh, I wouldn't-- I wouldn't do it that way, though. 1962 01:35:34,855 --> 01:35:35,772 [Alexei grunts] 1963 01:35:35,772 --> 01:35:36,940 [Bert] Uh-oh. 1964 01:35:38,775 --> 01:35:41,445 I would have someone help you. Oh, God. It's-- 1965 01:35:41,445 --> 01:35:44,281 Oh, my Jesus. That's how Steve Irwin died. 1966 01:35:52,164 --> 01:35:54,875 Oh, my God. 1967 01:35:55,834 --> 01:35:58,628 You work out every day? That's-- Looks like an everyday thing. 1968 01:35:58,628 --> 01:36:00,922 - Enough talk. - All right, yep. 1969 01:36:00,922 --> 01:36:02,048 [knuckles crack] 1970 01:36:03,133 --> 01:36:04,926 Oh. So now's when we bang, huh? 1971 01:36:04,926 --> 01:36:05,886 [speaks in Russian] 1972 01:36:05,886 --> 01:36:08,972 [dramatic music playing] 1973 01:36:25,906 --> 01:36:28,450 - [gasping] - [Alexei groans] 1974 01:36:37,959 --> 01:36:40,337 [groans] 1975 01:36:42,005 --> 01:36:43,924 - [grunting] - [shoulder pops] 1976 01:36:47,719 --> 01:36:49,012 [Bert] Okay, here we go. 1977 01:36:51,473 --> 01:36:54,476 [dramatic music playing] 1978 01:36:58,688 --> 01:37:00,273 So you can fight. 1979 01:37:01,066 --> 01:37:02,359 I went to Florida State. 1980 01:37:02,984 --> 01:37:05,362 All we know how to do is fight, fuck, and drink. 1981 01:37:05,946 --> 01:37:07,614 And I can't fuck worth shit. 1982 01:37:33,139 --> 01:37:35,225 Oh. I just got that crown. 1983 01:37:42,649 --> 01:37:45,110 Would you like to know why I hate you, Machine? 1984 01:37:45,110 --> 01:37:47,028 Oh, I'm dying to know. 1985 01:37:47,028 --> 01:37:51,700 All my life, men were measured against your stupid legend. 1986 01:37:53,994 --> 01:37:55,370 "The best." 1987 01:37:56,329 --> 01:37:57,789 "The man's man." 1988 01:37:58,415 --> 01:37:59,833 I say, fuck that! 1989 01:38:01,209 --> 01:38:03,461 So I worked to make myself better than you. 1990 01:38:04,170 --> 01:38:05,880 Stronger than you. 1991 01:38:05,880 --> 01:38:07,757 Look at you now, Machine. 1992 01:38:07,757 --> 01:38:09,259 You are nothing. 1993 01:38:12,095 --> 01:38:13,763 [Irina chuckles] 1994 01:38:13,763 --> 01:38:16,433 So dramatic, Alexei. 1995 01:38:16,433 --> 01:38:18,435 All these fucking speeches. 1996 01:38:22,606 --> 01:38:23,607 Irina. 1997 01:38:23,607 --> 01:38:27,611 Typical macho bullshit. 1998 01:38:29,487 --> 01:38:32,282 - Oh, Dad! - Whoa, whoa, my arm! 1999 01:38:32,282 --> 01:38:34,618 - Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. - Son... 2000 01:38:35,535 --> 01:38:37,537 you didn't show fear. 2001 01:38:37,537 --> 01:38:39,831 [vehicles approaching] 2002 01:38:39,831 --> 01:38:41,666 [dramatic music playing] 2003 01:38:57,891 --> 01:39:00,352 [guns cocking] 2004 01:39:03,772 --> 01:39:04,731 [man in Russian] Enough! 2005 01:39:18,995 --> 01:39:21,790 Is this how I raised you? 2006 01:39:30,382 --> 01:39:31,591 Your watch, Papa. 2007 01:39:38,264 --> 01:39:41,101 [playing pensive classical music] 2008 01:39:41,101 --> 01:39:43,478 I brought it here to return it to you. 2009 01:39:51,152 --> 01:39:52,278 So... 2010 01:39:55,990 --> 01:39:58,076 it's clear that I have won. 2011 01:39:58,827 --> 01:39:59,828 [laughs] 2012 01:40:00,412 --> 01:40:04,290 [in English] Oh, Irina. My beautiful daughter. 2013 01:40:04,999 --> 01:40:07,210 You want to take over? 2014 01:40:07,210 --> 01:40:10,380 You cannot even kill brother. 2015 01:40:10,380 --> 01:40:13,508 You become friends with idiot. 2016 01:40:14,134 --> 01:40:16,678 I would never give this to you. 2017 01:40:18,138 --> 01:40:20,390 Actually, can I step in for a second? 2018 01:40:21,641 --> 01:40:24,352 I think you guys should talk it out. Now, me and my dad... 2019 01:40:25,311 --> 01:40:27,605 - This is Russia. - Okay, okay. 2020 01:40:27,605 --> 01:40:31,359 We don't do your weak, America, lovey-huggy shit. 2021 01:40:31,359 --> 01:40:32,444 [speaks in Russian] 2022 01:40:33,486 --> 01:40:36,948 [in English] Hugs are for pussies. 2023 01:40:37,532 --> 01:40:39,075 Well, that explains a lot. 2024 01:40:39,075 --> 01:40:42,162 [tense music playing] 2025 01:40:43,163 --> 01:40:46,040 Alexei understands. 2026 01:40:47,125 --> 01:40:50,211 It is why he will run family. 2027 01:40:51,004 --> 01:40:52,505 You are weak. 2028 01:40:52,505 --> 01:40:54,758 A leader must be a wolf. 2029 01:40:56,509 --> 01:40:59,554 Kill or be killed. 2030 01:40:59,554 --> 01:41:01,556 If you do not like it, 2031 01:41:02,932 --> 01:41:05,268 take it up with God. 2032 01:41:07,270 --> 01:41:08,730 But you first. 2033 01:41:09,898 --> 01:41:12,275 [music intensifies] 2034 01:41:30,418 --> 01:41:32,295 [music crescendos] 2035 01:41:32,295 --> 01:41:34,088 Did I do that? 2036 01:41:36,758 --> 01:41:40,470 [whimpers] I am definitely watching Family Matters when we get home. 2037 01:41:40,470 --> 01:41:43,556 [dramatic music playing] 2038 01:42:03,159 --> 01:42:04,953 Look at that! Look at that! Look at that! 2039 01:42:06,913 --> 01:42:10,083 Irina, we can work together. 2040 01:42:10,083 --> 01:42:11,292 I am your brother. 2041 01:42:11,292 --> 01:42:12,794 Shut the fuck up! 2042 01:42:17,882 --> 01:42:20,218 Take him to our family dacha while I decide 2043 01:42:20,218 --> 01:42:22,929 which part of him to cut off for his insolence. 2044 01:42:22,929 --> 01:42:24,222 [speaks in Russian] 2045 01:42:24,222 --> 01:42:26,432 Fuck you, bitch. This is Russia. 2046 01:42:26,432 --> 01:42:30,019 - [Bert laughing] - Machine, I will kill you someday! 2047 01:42:30,019 --> 01:42:31,980 - I don't think so. - [Alexei] I will come for you! 2048 01:42:31,980 --> 01:42:34,065 - I don't know about that. - Machine! 2049 01:42:34,065 --> 01:42:36,234 - I can't hear you. - I will come for you! 2050 01:42:36,234 --> 01:42:38,695 Whoo! Go, me! Right? 2051 01:42:38,695 --> 01:42:39,863 That was awesome! 2052 01:42:39,863 --> 01:42:41,906 Thank you, Bert. You inspired me. 2053 01:42:41,906 --> 01:42:42,824 Wait, how? 2054 01:42:42,824 --> 01:42:45,201 When you said you're going to kill your dad at Igor's house. 2055 01:42:45,201 --> 01:42:48,413 - You said you were gonna kill me? - Well, yeah. You kicked me off a train. 2056 01:42:48,413 --> 01:42:50,999 Now go, before police shows up. 2057 01:42:51,583 --> 01:42:52,667 - And, Bert. - Yeah? 2058 01:42:52,667 --> 01:42:54,210 Your daughter is sweet. 2059 01:42:54,210 --> 01:42:56,838 My DJ friend tells me she's a good girl. 2060 01:42:56,838 --> 01:42:59,799 - Some drugs. But smoke, not snort. - Okay. 2061 01:42:59,799 --> 01:43:01,551 - Good girl. - Yeah. 2062 01:43:01,551 --> 01:43:03,636 [Irina speaks in Russian] 2063 01:43:07,140 --> 01:43:08,349 [in English] You're a good dad. 2064 01:43:08,349 --> 01:43:09,684 Keep it up. 2065 01:43:10,226 --> 01:43:13,396 Or else your daughter may kill you. [laughs] 2066 01:43:13,396 --> 01:43:15,565 [laughs nervously] Oh... 2067 01:43:17,025 --> 01:43:18,109 Thanks, Irina. 2068 01:43:19,527 --> 01:43:21,195 See you around, pussy boy. 2069 01:43:23,281 --> 01:43:26,284 [hopeful music playing] 2070 01:43:39,756 --> 01:43:42,050 [Sasha] Hey, deuces. Bye. 2071 01:43:42,050 --> 01:43:43,134 Bye, girl. 2072 01:43:46,888 --> 01:43:48,723 - Dad? - [Bert] Keep it, sir. Thank you. 2073 01:43:48,723 --> 01:43:51,309 - Dad, look. Mom said that... - Oh, my gosh! 2074 01:43:51,309 --> 01:43:53,019 - There she is! Come here! - What? 2075 01:43:53,019 --> 01:43:54,646 Oh, my God, I love you. 2076 01:43:54,646 --> 01:43:57,649 I am so sorry. You are a fantastic kid. 2077 01:43:58,942 --> 01:44:01,736 No, look. I'm really sorry. I was really mean at the party. 2078 01:44:02,820 --> 01:44:05,156 Look at us. We're apologizing. 2079 01:44:05,156 --> 01:44:07,075 I should be kidnapped to Russia once a year 2080 01:44:07,075 --> 01:44:09,577 - just to make this happen, right? - What? 2081 01:44:09,577 --> 01:44:11,162 Oh, there's the smile. 2082 01:44:11,162 --> 01:44:13,456 You did that smile when you were a little girl. 2083 01:44:13,456 --> 01:44:15,249 You're still my little girl. 2084 01:44:16,668 --> 01:44:18,586 Oh! And there's my woman. 2085 01:44:18,586 --> 01:44:21,631 Oh, well, well. It's nice to see you two back. 2086 01:44:21,631 --> 01:44:24,092 I hope you worked out your shit finally be-- 2087 01:44:24,092 --> 01:44:27,178 [tender music playing] 2088 01:44:28,054 --> 01:44:28,930 [LeeAnn] Mmm. 2089 01:44:30,348 --> 01:44:31,349 Wow. 2090 01:44:32,350 --> 01:44:33,476 The fuck are you wearing? 2091 01:44:33,476 --> 01:44:36,646 - Oh, my God, what is that smell? - Okay, these are clothes. 2092 01:44:36,646 --> 01:44:38,189 I do not know what that smell is. 2093 01:44:38,189 --> 01:44:39,774 - Did you go to Vegas? - I did not go to Vegas. 2094 01:44:39,774 --> 01:44:41,734 - Where's your dad? - Dad's in Florida. 2095 01:44:41,734 --> 01:44:44,278 He's got a doctor buddy he plays golf with who doesn't ask any questions. 2096 01:44:44,278 --> 01:44:46,072 We could all use one of those, right, guys? Am I kidding? 2097 01:44:46,072 --> 01:44:48,700 - Dad! Hey! - Oh, there she is! 2098 01:44:48,700 --> 01:44:50,159 From the top rope! 2099 01:44:50,159 --> 01:44:51,911 Oh, my gosh! 2100 01:44:51,911 --> 01:44:53,830 Oh, I love you! My favorite daughter! 2101 01:44:53,830 --> 01:44:55,540 - Just kidding. I'm not kidding. - Hey. 2102 01:44:55,540 --> 01:44:57,750 I can't wait till you get kidnapped. 2103 01:44:58,918 --> 01:45:01,129 - What? - Guys, Dad's back! 2104 01:45:01,129 --> 01:45:03,339 Dad's back! It's old-school Dad! 2105 01:45:03,339 --> 01:45:04,674 [therapist] How was your week? 2106 01:45:05,216 --> 01:45:07,301 Oof. Complicated. 2107 01:45:07,301 --> 01:45:10,513 Dear Ashley, are you still hot? I'm not. 2108 01:45:10,513 --> 01:45:12,682 I don't expect you to forgive me, 2109 01:45:12,682 --> 01:45:14,976 but I wanted to keep my promise. 2110 01:45:14,976 --> 01:45:17,687 Gifts are an important aspect of Russian life. 2111 01:45:17,687 --> 01:45:19,689 So are apologies. 2112 01:45:19,689 --> 01:45:21,232 This is mine. 2113 01:45:21,941 --> 01:45:24,694 Last week, the subject of your father came up, 2114 01:45:24,694 --> 01:45:26,696 and I thought we could explore that. 2115 01:45:27,697 --> 01:45:29,365 [Bert] Jesus Christ, Dad. That Annika girl. 2116 01:45:29,365 --> 01:45:32,660 - Did you wear condoms? - Oh, oh, oh. Will you stop? Stop. 2117 01:45:32,660 --> 01:45:34,245 - I'm just saying. - I don't want to hear it again. 2118 01:45:34,245 --> 01:45:35,913 Please put that down the memory hole. 2119 01:45:35,913 --> 01:45:37,123 I can't, Dad. 2120 01:45:37,123 --> 01:45:39,459 Since when do you have such a razor-sharp memory? 2121 01:45:39,459 --> 01:45:40,376 What happened-- 2122 01:45:40,376 --> 01:45:42,837 When you say things like, "Your mom is a missionary woman." 2123 01:45:42,837 --> 01:45:44,047 [Albert] Oh, no! 2124 01:45:44,047 --> 01:45:45,882 Nah, we're good. 2125 01:45:46,591 --> 01:45:47,592 You and your father? 2126 01:45:47,592 --> 01:45:50,261 Yeah. We're thick as thieves. Butch and Sundance. 2127 01:45:50,261 --> 01:45:51,345 - Really? - Yeah. 2128 01:45:52,388 --> 01:45:55,767 Well, if you don't mind, can I ask how that resolved itself? 2129 01:45:55,767 --> 01:45:57,935 You can ask, but I don't think you're gonna believe me. 2130 01:45:57,935 --> 01:45:59,604 Well, humor me. 2131 01:46:00,772 --> 01:46:01,773 Hm... 2132 01:46:03,232 --> 01:46:04,233 All right. 2133 01:46:05,401 --> 01:46:08,029 When I was 48 years old, I got involved with the Russian mafia. 2134 01:46:08,029 --> 01:46:09,280 Here's how it happened. 2135 01:46:09,280 --> 01:46:10,364 ["Father of Mine" playing] 2136 01:46:10,364 --> 01:46:14,952 ♪ Father of mine Tell me where have you been ♪ 2137 01:46:14,952 --> 01:46:20,208 ♪ You know I just closed my eyes My whole world disappeared ♪ 2138 01:46:20,208 --> 01:46:24,837 ♪ Father of mine Take me back to the day ♪ 2139 01:46:24,837 --> 01:46:29,842 ♪ Yeah, when I was still your golden boy Back before you went away ♪ 2140 01:46:29,842 --> 01:46:34,806 ♪ I remember blue skies Walking the block ♪ 2141 01:46:34,806 --> 01:46:39,685 ♪ I loved it when you held me high I loved to hear you talk ♪ 2142 01:46:39,685 --> 01:46:44,649 ♪ You would take me to the movies You would take me to the beach ♪ 2143 01:46:44,649 --> 01:46:49,487 ♪ You would take me to a place inside That is so hard to reach ♪ 2144 01:46:58,830 --> 01:47:00,039 What's up, Florida? 2145 01:47:00,039 --> 01:47:01,415 It's your boy, Bert Kreischer. 2146 01:47:01,415 --> 01:47:02,959 The Machine. 2147 01:47:02,959 --> 01:47:04,418 I love three things: 2148 01:47:04,418 --> 01:47:05,878 - Having a great time... - [man] Yeah! 2149 01:47:05,878 --> 01:47:07,713 ...making sure other people have a great time, 2150 01:47:07,713 --> 01:47:08,881 and quality carpets 2151 01:47:08,881 --> 01:47:11,175 - delivered at a reasonable price. - [man] Oh, yeah! 2152 01:47:11,175 --> 01:47:13,219 That's why, if you're looking for some acrylic, 2153 01:47:13,219 --> 01:47:16,514 wool, plush, saxony, or level loop... 2154 01:47:16,514 --> 01:47:18,099 None of that nylon shit. 2155 01:47:18,099 --> 01:47:20,434 ...you need to find your way to a Kreischer Karpets. 2156 01:47:20,434 --> 01:47:22,854 It's my dad's business, and he's right here. 2157 01:47:22,854 --> 01:47:24,105 Say hi, Dad. 2158 01:47:24,814 --> 01:47:27,817 Hey, son. You can't say a swear on TV. 2159 01:47:27,817 --> 01:47:30,695 The best goddamn carpets in Southwest Florida. 2160 01:47:30,695 --> 01:47:33,865 That's Kreischer Karpets, spelled weirdly with a K. 2161 01:47:33,865 --> 01:47:35,032 Take it off, Dad. 2162 01:47:35,825 --> 01:47:37,160 Okay, fine. 2163 01:47:40,538 --> 01:47:43,457 Did we mention we have three convenient locations? 2164 01:47:46,043 --> 01:47:49,046 [pensive classical music playing] 2165 01:48:49,190 --> 01:48:52,193 [dramatic music playing] 157343

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