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Subtitles - Ripped (and Hacked)
by RavyDavy - Part of the [RL] Crew
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Once upon a time...
2
00:00:51,174 --> 00:00:53,108
in a kingdom far away...
3
00:00:55,412 --> 00:00:57,039
a certain man...
4
00:00:57,113 --> 00:00:59,479
and a slightly less
certain woman...
5
00:00:59,549 --> 00:01:01,779
kept bumping into one another.
6
00:01:03,186 --> 00:01:05,552
They seemed to meet everywhere.
7
00:01:08,391 --> 00:01:10,325
On street corners...
8
00:01:12,395 --> 00:01:14,522
at parties.
9
00:01:14,598 --> 00:01:17,567
It was almost as if
they were dating accidentally.
10
00:01:18,368 --> 00:01:20,928
And then, after
another chance meeting...
11
00:01:21,004 --> 00:01:23,905
at a wealthy lawyer's
new son's Bris...
12
00:01:26,109 --> 00:01:30,136
they decided to pick a time
to bump into each other on purpose.
13
00:01:32,649 --> 00:01:36,483
Saturday, 10:30.
The hottest new restaurant in Manhattan.
14
00:01:37,687 --> 00:01:40,178
Samantha's P.R. Firm
was handling the opening.
15
00:01:44,828 --> 00:01:46,318
So, isn't Brian great?
16
00:01:46,396 --> 00:01:49,832
Charlotte had a new boyfriend.
He had her big three:
17
00:01:49,899 --> 00:01:52,129
Looks, manners, money.
18
00:01:52,202 --> 00:01:55,399
Did I tell you he wants to buy
a painting from my gallery?
19
00:01:55,472 --> 00:01:58,100
Love and a commission.
She couldn't have been happier.
20
00:01:58,174 --> 00:02:00,506
- It's official. He's late.
- Who?
21
00:02:00,577 --> 00:02:02,306
Mr. Big, who else?
22
00:02:02,379 --> 00:02:04,847
Carrie, that's great.
Is it a date?
23
00:02:04,914 --> 00:02:07,405
He called it a thing.
He said, "Meet me...
24
00:02:07,484 --> 00:02:09,247
Meet me for a drink thing."
25
00:02:09,319 --> 00:02:12,254
- He never used the "D" word.
- Well, "thing" is good.
26
00:02:12,322 --> 00:02:15,155
- I mean, "thing" comes before date.
- Let's hope so.
27
00:02:15,225 --> 00:02:17,159
- I'm gonna go in.
- Okay.
28
00:02:17,227 --> 00:02:19,491
- See you in there.
- Where did Skipper go?
29
00:02:19,562 --> 00:02:21,996
I don't know how you can date
that younger guy.
30
00:02:22,065 --> 00:02:24,431
- They're so scattered and unfocused.
- We're not dating.
31
00:02:24,501 --> 00:02:26,696
It's a "fuck" thing.
32
00:02:26,770 --> 00:02:28,897
Girls, isn't this fun?
33
00:02:28,972 --> 00:02:33,136
I've turned away 20 so far.
People are actually crying.
34
00:02:40,750 --> 00:02:44,481
Oh, something came up.
He's not gonna meet me.
35
00:02:44,554 --> 00:02:47,216
Here, will you listen to this
and tell me if you can figure out...
36
00:02:47,290 --> 00:02:50,623
whether he's not meeting me
as a date or as a friend.
37
00:02:50,694 --> 00:02:52,525
All right.
38
00:02:52,595 --> 00:02:54,620
Sometimes you need a second opinion...
39
00:02:54,698 --> 00:02:57,360
with doctors, real estate, men.
40
00:02:57,434 --> 00:02:58,958
Well?
41
00:02:59,035 --> 00:03:01,162
I have no idea.
42
00:03:01,237 --> 00:03:04,365
And I finished first
in my litigation class.
43
00:03:04,441 --> 00:03:07,069
How pathetic do I feel asking you...
44
00:03:07,143 --> 00:03:10,374
if a guy kind of likes me?
45
00:03:10,447 --> 00:03:12,039
There you are.
46
00:03:14,984 --> 00:03:16,918
Carrie, Miranda...
47
00:03:16,986 --> 00:03:20,149
this is the hottest chef
in New York, Jon.
48
00:03:20,223 --> 00:03:24,216
Jon. J-O-N.
No "H," no last name.
49
00:03:24,294 --> 00:03:26,785
His blue crab strudel was so fabulous,
he didn't need one.
50
00:03:26,863 --> 00:03:29,661
And this is
his very cute friend Sam.
51
00:03:30,700 --> 00:03:33,032
Sam? Who's named Sam?
52
00:03:33,103 --> 00:03:35,571
Me. Can I get you a drink?
53
00:03:35,638 --> 00:03:37,936
Oh, good luck.
The bar is packed.
54
00:03:38,007 --> 00:03:40,407
No problem, 'cause
the bartender's a buddy of mine.
55
00:03:40,477 --> 00:03:42,308
- Miranda?
- Martini.
56
00:03:42,379 --> 00:03:46,247
Twenty-something guys always know
the really important "B" people.
57
00:03:47,550 --> 00:03:49,450
Busboys, bouncers.
58
00:03:49,519 --> 00:03:52,317
Plus, they have cute butts.
59
00:03:52,389 --> 00:03:55,586
That's the Times critic.
I'd better go.
60
00:04:09,806 --> 00:04:11,740
Did I mention
I'm sleeping with him?
61
00:04:15,779 --> 00:04:17,144
Skipper!
62
00:04:19,182 --> 00:04:21,446
He's lost.
We gotta get him.
63
00:04:24,220 --> 00:04:27,621
They stopped making martinis, so I got
us two rum and Cokes. Is that okay?
64
00:04:27,690 --> 00:04:30,181
Well, I hate rum and I hate Coke.
65
00:04:30,260 --> 00:04:32,956
- But thanks.
- Martinis, ladies.
66
00:04:33,029 --> 00:04:36,192
- Look at you.
- I was a waiter at TGIF.
67
00:04:36,266 --> 00:04:37,858
Fabulous.
68
00:04:44,574 --> 00:04:46,872
They liked each other immediately.
69
00:04:46,943 --> 00:04:49,036
You wanna see something?
70
00:04:54,050 --> 00:04:56,541
Can you narrow that down
a little bit?
71
00:04:58,188 --> 00:04:59,917
Wait, I didn't...
72
00:05:01,357 --> 00:05:04,019
No fair.
Do it over.
73
00:05:08,064 --> 00:05:11,033
- It's you.
- I've been looking all over for you.
74
00:05:11,100 --> 00:05:13,864
Here you are, holding a tongue.
75
00:05:13,937 --> 00:05:16,235
Well, your message said
you weren't coming.
76
00:05:16,306 --> 00:05:18,604
I thought I said I'd try
to make it for an hour.
77
00:05:18,675 --> 00:05:20,199
Yeah, but then you said that...
78
00:05:20,276 --> 00:05:23,109
- What did I say?
- Never mind.
79
00:05:23,179 --> 00:05:25,647
You're here, you have an hour.
Let's have a drink.
80
00:05:25,715 --> 00:05:27,649
I was outside trying to get in
for 30 minutes...
81
00:05:27,717 --> 00:05:30,311
inside looking for you for 20,
leaving me with just enough time...
82
00:05:30,386 --> 00:05:33,583
to tell you that I'm out of time.
83
00:05:34,691 --> 00:05:36,124
You have fun.
84
00:05:36,192 --> 00:05:39,684
Men in their 40s are like the New York
Times Sunday crossword puzzle:
85
00:05:39,762 --> 00:05:41,024
Tricky, complicated...
86
00:05:41,097 --> 00:05:43,895
and you're never really sure
you've got the right answer.
87
00:05:43,967 --> 00:05:45,901
This place is tired.
88
00:05:47,337 --> 00:05:50,204
- Do you want to get out of here?
- Sure.
89
00:05:53,576 --> 00:05:54,975
Why not?
90
00:05:55,044 --> 00:05:57,239
A short cab ride later...
91
00:05:57,313 --> 00:05:59,611
Samantha, Jon "no "H",
Sam and I...
92
00:05:59,682 --> 00:06:01,912
found ourselves at
the nearby twenty-something club.
93
00:06:03,786 --> 00:06:06,186
I can't believe you made Jon
leave his own opening.
94
00:06:06,256 --> 00:06:10,386
He is way too happening to be seen
someplace borderline tired.
95
00:06:10,460 --> 00:06:14,726
It was a tough town. Hot places
had the life span of a medfly.
96
00:06:14,797 --> 00:06:18,494
Samantha, everybody in here
is in their 20s.
97
00:06:18,568 --> 00:06:20,900
And so are we.
98
00:06:20,970 --> 00:06:22,904
As I glanced around the room,
I was amazed...
99
00:06:22,972 --> 00:06:26,499
at the wide variety
of great twenty-something guys.
100
00:06:26,576 --> 00:06:29,136
The groovy guy.
101
00:06:29,212 --> 00:06:31,612
The corporate guy.
102
00:06:31,681 --> 00:06:34,878
The jock guy.
103
00:06:34,951 --> 00:06:36,885
The underage guy.
104
00:06:41,891 --> 00:06:45,258
There you are.
How are you?
105
00:06:45,328 --> 00:06:47,660
- I see you found us.
- Big couch.
106
00:06:47,730 --> 00:06:49,322
Oh, here.
107
00:06:57,974 --> 00:06:59,566
That'll work.
108
00:07:00,610 --> 00:07:02,544
I'm not too heavy, am I?
109
00:07:02,612 --> 00:07:04,705
Right. You weigh, like, nothing.
110
00:07:04,781 --> 00:07:07,750
What's cuter than that?
111
00:07:07,817 --> 00:07:10,217
As we took a swig from
our pony-necked beers...
112
00:07:10,286 --> 00:07:12,618
I remembered another type
of twenty-something guy.
113
00:07:12,689 --> 00:07:17,626
So, what's it like
to kiss with that thing in?
114
00:07:17,694 --> 00:07:20,128
You wanna find out?
115
00:07:24,233 --> 00:07:26,633
The really good kisser guy.
116
00:07:40,249 --> 00:07:41,716
Hello?
117
00:07:41,784 --> 00:07:43,979
- I am so fucked.
- What's wrong?
118
00:07:44,053 --> 00:07:45,714
No, I mean, literally.
119
00:07:45,788 --> 00:07:48,416
I have been fucked every way
you can be fucked.
120
00:07:48,491 --> 00:07:51,892
If you keep talking like that,
I'm gonna charge you by the minute.
121
00:07:51,961 --> 00:07:54,521
As I searched for
my morning Marlboro Light...
122
00:07:54,597 --> 00:07:58,055
Samantha proceeded to give me
a rundown of her night with Jon...
123
00:07:58,134 --> 00:08:00,329
no "H," no inhibitions.
124
00:08:00,403 --> 00:08:05,340
We did it with him on top,
me on top, me on my side.
125
00:08:05,408 --> 00:08:09,435
- Him on his side?
- Oh, God, yes.
126
00:08:09,512 --> 00:08:12,970
On his back, on his side,
on his face.
127
00:08:13,049 --> 00:08:16,348
- Have you ever done that?
- It's too early to remember.
128
00:08:16,419 --> 00:08:19,013
Well, do it immediately.
It is fabulous.
129
00:08:19,088 --> 00:08:21,454
These guys in their twenties,
they are up for anything.
130
00:08:21,524 --> 00:08:25,085
How did it go with you and Sam?
131
00:08:25,161 --> 00:08:28,528
- We kissed.
- Just kissed?
132
00:08:28,598 --> 00:08:32,625
No. We just kissed for five hours...
133
00:08:32,702 --> 00:08:36,297
at the club, in front of the club,
on the corner of the club.
134
00:08:36,372 --> 00:08:38,966
I forgot how much fun it is
to just kiss, you know...
135
00:08:39,042 --> 00:08:40,976
even if I did only get
two hours sleep.
136
00:08:41,044 --> 00:08:43,706
I didn't sleep at all.
137
00:08:43,780 --> 00:08:46,772
As Samantha went on
about her sexual escapades...
138
00:08:46,849 --> 00:08:48,544
I glanced down at my arm.
139
00:08:48,618 --> 00:08:53,282
There it was in Bic blue...
twenty-something Sam's phone number.
140
00:08:53,356 --> 00:08:56,951
I had this sudden urge to call,
but I'd just left him.
141
00:08:57,026 --> 00:09:00,689
Hell, my lips were still swollen.
Why this sudden craving?
142
00:09:00,763 --> 00:09:04,597
Are men in their twenties
the new designer drug?
143
00:09:04,667 --> 00:09:08,296
Yes, Samantha, Miranda and I
were all recreational users...
144
00:09:08,371 --> 00:09:11,135
but were we getting into something
we couldn't handle?
145
00:09:11,207 --> 00:09:14,870
Okay, we were attracted
to younger men for various reasons.
146
00:09:14,944 --> 00:09:17,811
But I couldn't help but wonder:
What do they see in us?
147
00:09:19,215 --> 00:09:21,945
Women in their thirties
are just so grateful.
148
00:09:22,018 --> 00:09:24,782
It's like every bullshit
nice thing you do...
149
00:09:24,854 --> 00:09:26,788
is like throwing food
to the starving.
150
00:09:28,925 --> 00:09:30,950
Take your shot!
151
00:09:32,462 --> 00:09:34,396
They give great head
and know a lot about wine.
152
00:09:39,302 --> 00:09:42,601
They remind me of my mom.
153
00:09:46,709 --> 00:09:49,507
They know who they are
and what they want, and I like that.
154
00:09:57,320 --> 00:09:59,083
- Fuck!
- Two words: Smart pussy.
155
00:10:04,160 --> 00:10:06,390
Later that week,
Miranda and I compared notes.
156
00:10:06,462 --> 00:10:08,657
Shouldn't we be dating men
our own age?
157
00:10:08,731 --> 00:10:10,062
Good luck finding one.
158
00:10:10,133 --> 00:10:13,261
There are no available men
in their thirties in New York.
159
00:10:13,336 --> 00:10:17,136
Giuliani had them removed
along with the homeless.
160
00:10:17,206 --> 00:10:21,643
Then what's really going on here?
Is it younger men feel safer?
161
00:10:21,711 --> 00:10:24,111
What's really going on here is sex.
162
00:10:24,180 --> 00:10:26,171
Good old-fashioned,
eager-to-please...
163
00:10:26,249 --> 00:10:28,740
do-what-l-tell-you-to,
Eagle Scout sex.
164
00:10:28,818 --> 00:10:32,049
But I'm not having sex.
It's a kissing thing.
165
00:10:32,121 --> 00:10:34,783
So what's the big deal?
It's just a fling.
166
00:10:34,857 --> 00:10:37,257
It's not like we're throwing out
our schedules or anything.
167
00:10:37,326 --> 00:10:39,385
- Oh, sweetie, I gotta go.
- Yeah?
168
00:10:39,462 --> 00:10:41,521
I'm late for a meeting
with my editor.
169
00:10:41,597 --> 00:10:42,586
Bye!
170
00:10:44,934 --> 00:10:47,164
I didn't wanna tell her
I cancelled lunch with my editor...
171
00:10:47,236 --> 00:10:50,603
to go to Banana Republic and help
twenty-something Sam pick out a shirt.
172
00:10:54,844 --> 00:10:56,436
Here.
173
00:10:57,313 --> 00:11:00,214
As I helped him try them on,
I thought...
174
00:11:00,283 --> 00:11:03,616
"He's sweet, he's fun,
and I think he likes me.
175
00:11:03,686 --> 00:11:07,713
Could he be more than a fling?
Could he be a potential boyfriend?"
176
00:11:07,790 --> 00:11:09,155
Please.
177
00:11:10,359 --> 00:11:12,850
This isn't the Gap.
178
00:11:15,364 --> 00:11:18,390
And speaking of
potential boyfriends...
179
00:11:18,467 --> 00:11:20,697
later that week
the "crossword puzzle" asked me...
180
00:11:20,770 --> 00:11:22,738
to meet him for a drink, blank.
181
00:11:22,805 --> 00:11:26,206
Not quite a date, five letters,
starts with a "T".
182
00:11:30,346 --> 00:11:32,576
Whoever this is, I can't talk.
I'm late for a drink thing.
183
00:11:32,648 --> 00:11:35,742
I just need five minutes. I'm meeting
Brian later and don't know what to do.
184
00:11:35,818 --> 00:11:38,719
- About what?
- Well, last night...
185
00:11:38,788 --> 00:11:41,552
after a movie, we're walking down
Second Avenue and just passed...
186
00:11:41,624 --> 00:11:43,455
Four minutes, Charlotte.
187
00:11:43,526 --> 00:11:47,087
I can't just blurt out
what he asked me. It's embarrassing.
188
00:11:47,163 --> 00:11:49,825
What did the perfect boyfriend ask?
189
00:11:51,167 --> 00:11:53,533
Meet me in front of your apartment
in ten minutes.
190
00:11:57,139 --> 00:12:01,041
Okay, words are essential.
Tell me exactly how he worded it.
191
00:12:01,110 --> 00:12:03,305
"We've been seeing each other
for a couple of weeks.
192
00:12:03,379 --> 00:12:06,348
I really like you.
And tomorrow night after dinner...
193
00:12:06,415 --> 00:12:08,349
I want us to have anal sex.
194
00:12:08,417 --> 00:12:11,511
Okay, next stop is gonna be
62nd and Madison.
195
00:12:11,587 --> 00:12:13,851
- 62nd and Madison?
- We're picking up Miranda.
196
00:12:13,923 --> 00:12:15,185
- No, God, no.
- Yes.
197
00:12:15,258 --> 00:12:17,692
- And then we're picking up Samantha.
- Oh, Carrie, no.
198
00:12:17,760 --> 00:12:21,196
You need all the girl support you can
get, and I'm late for drinks with Big.
199
00:12:21,264 --> 00:12:22,754
Oh, that's great.
200
00:12:22,832 --> 00:12:27,462
Even in her state of abject blackness,
Charlotte was a dating optimist.
201
00:12:27,536 --> 00:12:30,664
- It depends. How much do you like him?
- A lot.
202
00:12:30,740 --> 00:12:33,265
"Dating a few months until somebody
better comes along" a lot...
203
00:12:33,342 --> 00:12:35,435
or "marrying and moving
to East Hampton" a lot?
204
00:12:35,511 --> 00:12:37,240
I don't know.
I'm not sure.
205
00:12:37,313 --> 00:12:39,247
Well, you better get sure
real quick.
206
00:12:39,315 --> 00:12:41,681
- You're scaring me.
- Don't scare her.
207
00:12:41,751 --> 00:12:43,514
It's all about control.
208
00:12:43,586 --> 00:12:46,180
If he goes up there,
there's gonna be a shift in power.
209
00:12:46,255 --> 00:12:48,314
Either he'll have the upper hand
or you will.
210
00:12:48,391 --> 00:12:51,588
There's a certain camp that believes
whoever holds the dick holds the power.
211
00:12:51,661 --> 00:12:53,788
Hello!
You're driving.
212
00:12:54,830 --> 00:12:56,798
The question is...
213
00:12:56,866 --> 00:12:59,960
if he goes up your butt,
will he respect you more or less?
214
00:13:00,036 --> 00:13:02,527
- That's the issue.
- No smoking in cab.
215
00:13:04,006 --> 00:13:06,531
Sir, we're talking "up the butt."
A cigarette is in order.
216
00:13:06,609 --> 00:13:10,340
Front, back, who cares?
A hole is a hole.
217
00:13:10,413 --> 00:13:12,711
- Can I quote you?
- Don't be so judgmental.
218
00:13:12,782 --> 00:13:16,183
- You could use a little back door.
- I'm not a hole.
219
00:13:16,252 --> 00:13:17,651
Honey, we know.
220
00:13:17,720 --> 00:13:20,553
All I'm saying is that this is
a physical expression...
221
00:13:20,623 --> 00:13:23,319
that the body was designed
to experience.
222
00:13:23,392 --> 00:13:25,758
And P.S., it's fabulous.
223
00:13:25,828 --> 00:13:28,353
What are you talking about?
I went to Smith.
224
00:13:28,431 --> 00:13:33,130
Look, I'm just saying,
with the right guy and right lubricant...
225
00:13:37,440 --> 00:13:39,067
What was that?
226
00:13:39,141 --> 00:13:40,733
A preview.
227
00:13:47,283 --> 00:13:48,875
Thanks.
228
00:13:52,488 --> 00:13:55,719
Well, I can't believe it.
229
00:13:55,791 --> 00:14:00,160
Same time, same place.
Just you and me.
230
00:14:01,230 --> 00:14:04,028
Well, sort of.
231
00:14:04,100 --> 00:14:05,829
Meet my friend Jack.
232
00:14:08,204 --> 00:14:10,001
Oh, hi.
How are you?
233
00:14:11,574 --> 00:14:13,508
Marvelous.
Going through my second divorce.
234
00:14:13,576 --> 00:14:16,067
Bitch is getting everything
the first bitch didn't.
235
00:14:16,145 --> 00:14:19,945
There he was, right in the middle
of my drink thing...
236
00:14:20,016 --> 00:14:22,450
Mr. Marvelous.
237
00:14:22,518 --> 00:14:25,976
Jesus.
Look at that beautiful woman.
238
00:14:27,390 --> 00:14:30,484
I'm gonna go ask her to join us
for dinner. Excuse me.
239
00:14:37,867 --> 00:14:40,392
He, uh, called me crying.
240
00:14:45,541 --> 00:14:46,906
Do you forgive me?
241
00:14:49,178 --> 00:14:50,770
Here's what.
242
00:14:54,717 --> 00:14:57,151
Why don't you two
have a guy's night.
243
00:14:57,219 --> 00:14:59,949
You know, talk, cry, shoot bear.
244
00:15:00,022 --> 00:15:02,650
I'm way behind
on my column anyway.
245
00:15:02,725 --> 00:15:06,422
Here.
Next round on me.
246
00:15:06,495 --> 00:15:08,463
We'll do our thing another time.
247
00:15:09,899 --> 00:15:11,389
Are you sure?
248
00:15:14,603 --> 00:15:16,764
Abso-fucking-lutely.
249
00:15:16,839 --> 00:15:19,774
I didn't know
what I was supposed to feel.
250
00:15:19,842 --> 00:15:23,073
Confused? Sad? Rejected?
251
00:15:23,145 --> 00:15:25,705
I decided to walk to clear my head.
252
00:15:25,781 --> 00:15:28,409
Also, I just left my cab fare
on the table.
253
00:15:28,484 --> 00:15:31,351
So I walked.
I walked 48 blocks...
254
00:15:31,420 --> 00:15:33,411
in four-hundred-dollar shoes.
255
00:15:39,895 --> 00:15:41,863
I just needed something
to take the edge off.
256
00:15:46,135 --> 00:15:48,330
A little kiss
to make me feel better.
257
00:16:04,420 --> 00:16:08,754
But now, it wasn't working.
I wasn't getting the same rush.
258
00:16:08,824 --> 00:16:11,691
Tonight, I needed more.
259
00:16:11,760 --> 00:16:13,819
Meanwhile uptown,
Charlotte wondered...
260
00:16:13,896 --> 00:16:16,387
when relationships had gotten
so complicated.
261
00:16:16,465 --> 00:16:21,334
She yearned for the time when dinner
was followed by dessert, not lubricant.
262
00:16:21,403 --> 00:16:23,462
I-I can't, Brian.
I can't.
263
00:16:23,539 --> 00:16:27,066
I want to, but I can't.
I mean, actually...
264
00:16:27,143 --> 00:16:29,373
No, that's not true.
I don't want to. Or maybe I do.
265
00:16:29,445 --> 00:16:32,471
I don't know what I want, but
I'm afraid if I don't you'll dump me.
266
00:16:32,548 --> 00:16:34,812
And if I do, then I'll be
the "up the butt" girl.
267
00:16:34,884 --> 00:16:38,445
I don't wanna be the "up the butt" girl.
Men don't marry the "up the butt" girl.
268
00:16:38,521 --> 00:16:41,149
Whoever heard of Mrs. Up The Butt?
No, no, no.
269
00:16:41,223 --> 00:16:44,624
I can't.
I want children and nice bedding...
270
00:16:44,693 --> 00:16:48,789
and I just can't handle this
right now.
271
00:16:48,864 --> 00:16:51,298
Can we fuck the regular way?
272
00:16:52,902 --> 00:16:54,494
Yes, please.
273
00:16:59,441 --> 00:17:02,410
That night,
they made love the Charlotte way...
274
00:17:02,478 --> 00:17:07,609
polite and respectful
on 300-count Egyptian cotton sheets.
275
00:17:07,683 --> 00:17:10,652
Meanwhile downtown...
276
00:17:12,855 --> 00:17:14,846
That was really great.
277
00:17:18,394 --> 00:17:20,828
You know...
278
00:17:20,896 --> 00:17:23,456
when you lay like that...
279
00:17:23,532 --> 00:17:26,968
you have the cutest little wrinkles
in your neck.
280
00:17:27,036 --> 00:17:30,472
Samantha realized as long as
she dated someone younger...
281
00:17:30,539 --> 00:17:32,939
she would always be older.
282
00:17:33,008 --> 00:17:35,602
She gave up twenty-somethings
right then and there.
283
00:17:35,678 --> 00:17:38,442
As Samantha went cold turkey...
284
00:17:39,548 --> 00:17:41,880
I got in deeper and deeper.
285
00:17:49,992 --> 00:17:52,256
- That was...
- Totally awesome.
286
00:17:52,328 --> 00:17:54,728
I was hooked. Gone.
287
00:17:54,797 --> 00:17:57,095
Who cares about age,
crossword puzzles...
288
00:17:57,166 --> 00:17:59,191
the cab money I'd left
on the table?
289
00:17:59,268 --> 00:18:02,760
This felt so good,
I'd do anything to keep this high.
290
00:18:02,838 --> 00:18:06,001
And just when I thought
I couldn't get any higher...
291
00:18:06,075 --> 00:18:08,009
he spooned me.
292
00:18:17,486 --> 00:18:21,388
I woke up wanting more,
or maybe not.
293
00:18:21,457 --> 00:18:25,553
In the gray morning light,
everything looked completely different.
294
00:18:26,795 --> 00:18:31,960
Candles from Urban Outfitter,
dirty laundry, a pizza box.
295
00:18:32,034 --> 00:18:33,763
Suddenly, reality hit.
296
00:18:33,836 --> 00:18:36,430
I'm in a twenty-something apartment.
297
00:18:38,307 --> 00:18:41,037
- Good morning, babe.
- Good morning.
298
00:18:41,110 --> 00:18:43,874
Fuck!
I had this amazing dream.
299
00:18:45,114 --> 00:18:49,346
My father and my ex-girlfriend
were, like, dead or something.
300
00:18:49,418 --> 00:18:51,818
How are you doing?
It's good to see you.
301
00:18:51,887 --> 00:18:55,254
- Coffee. I need coffee.
- It's in the kitchen.
302
00:18:55,324 --> 00:19:00,159
And I had these big hands,
like big aluminum hands.
303
00:19:01,230 --> 00:19:04,825
And I lived in this, like,
big missile silo...
304
00:19:04,900 --> 00:19:07,630
that was totally nuclear,
and it was surrounded...
305
00:19:07,703 --> 00:19:10,171
by, like, my enemies and shit.
306
00:19:10,239 --> 00:19:14,471
And one by one, they'd run at me!
They got inside somehow.
307
00:19:14,543 --> 00:19:17,535
I don't remember,
but they would, like, run at me...
308
00:19:17,613 --> 00:19:21,606
and I would crush them to pieces
with my big aluminum hands.
309
00:19:21,684 --> 00:19:24,653
I crushed this one guy.
He had no face and stuff...
310
00:19:24,720 --> 00:19:28,679
but I crushed him.
311
00:19:28,757 --> 00:19:32,659
I could crush anything
with these big fucking hands, man.
312
00:19:32,728 --> 00:19:35,162
You don't have any coffee...
313
00:19:35,230 --> 00:19:38,427
- You don't have any coffee filters.
- I'll make that. That's all right.
314
00:19:38,500 --> 00:19:40,991
Oh! You were in the dream...
315
00:19:41,070 --> 00:19:45,734
as this beautiful unicorn woman
with glass eyes.
316
00:19:45,808 --> 00:19:47,901
You, coffee.
Me, bathroom.
317
00:19:47,976 --> 00:19:50,774
That would make a kick-ass song,
wouldn't it?
318
00:19:50,846 --> 00:19:52,837
Unicorn woman
319
00:19:52,915 --> 00:19:54,507
Coffee.
320
00:20:01,156 --> 00:20:03,090
Oh, that's my roommate.
321
00:20:04,793 --> 00:20:08,160
Every fiber in my thirty-something
being was screaming...
322
00:20:08,230 --> 00:20:10,460
"Get out!
You're too old for this."
323
00:20:10,532 --> 00:20:12,466
And just when I thought
I couldn't sink any lower...
324
00:20:15,571 --> 00:20:17,334
I need toilet paper!
325
00:20:17,406 --> 00:20:20,842
I'm just using the last of it
to make the coffee.
326
00:20:27,950 --> 00:20:30,077
I decided
the only way to break free...
327
00:20:30,152 --> 00:20:33,087
was to move from one addiction
to an even bigger one.
328
00:20:35,057 --> 00:20:36,649
Shoes.
329
00:20:38,127 --> 00:20:40,925
A couple of blocks
and way too much money later...
330
00:20:40,996 --> 00:20:44,762
I realized I had just entered
an interesting chapter in my life.
331
00:20:44,833 --> 00:20:46,767
I had outgrown the boys of my past...
332
00:20:46,835 --> 00:20:49,269
and not quite grown into
the men of my future.
333
00:20:51,874 --> 00:20:53,842
Hi. How are you?
334
00:20:53,909 --> 00:20:56,707
Why is it in a city
of ten million men...
335
00:20:56,779 --> 00:21:00,977
you always see the one you don't want
and never see the one you...
336
00:21:03,719 --> 00:21:05,448
What are you doing down there?
337
00:21:05,521 --> 00:21:08,354
It's a wobbly table.
Guess I have the touch.
338
00:21:08,424 --> 00:21:10,289
Would you care to join us?
339
00:21:10,359 --> 00:21:11,690
Hinge.
340
00:21:11,760 --> 00:21:14,126
- What?
- Your crossword puzzle.
341
00:21:14,196 --> 00:21:17,461
Five-letter word.
"To bring together." Hinge.
342
00:21:18,534 --> 00:21:20,126
Nice seeing you. Bye.
343
00:21:20,202 --> 00:21:22,227
- Bye.
- Excuse me.
344
00:21:22,304 --> 00:21:27,105
Hey, just so you know,
I would've gotten hinge on my own.
345
00:21:27,176 --> 00:21:30,168
- Maybe.
- I have no doubt.
346
00:21:30,245 --> 00:21:32,304
Now that I've got Jack hooked up,
I'm single again.
347
00:21:32,381 --> 00:21:34,349
Maybe we could have dinner sometime.
348
00:21:34,416 --> 00:21:38,045
I don't know.
I'm good at crossword puzzles.
349
00:21:38,120 --> 00:21:41,146
I'm just not so good
at people puzzles.
350
00:21:41,223 --> 00:21:42,713
Anywhere you want.
351
00:21:42,791 --> 00:21:44,725
Just you and me.
352
00:21:46,261 --> 00:21:47,853
Call me.
353
00:21:49,631 --> 00:21:53,431
As I walked away, I had a thought:
Maybe all men are a drug.
354
00:21:53,502 --> 00:21:55,902
Sometimes they bring you down...
355
00:21:55,971 --> 00:21:58,439
and sometimes, like now,
they get you so high.
356
00:22:01,009 --> 00:22:02,237
Damn.
357
00:22:02,311 --> 00:22:05,007
It would've been so cool
if I hadn't looked back.
358
00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:18,000
Translation And Subtitles By
Captions, Inc. Los Angeles
359
00:22:28,000 --> 00:23:30,000
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part of the [RL] Crew
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