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1
00:00:01,102 --> 00:00:03,737
The League.
All new, Wednesdays at 10:00.
2
00:00:03,771 --> 00:00:05,739
Only on FXX.
3
00:00:07,941 --> 00:00:10,644
FXX presents You're the Worst.
4
00:00:10,678 --> 00:00:11,745
[ Man Laughs ]
5
00:00:16,417 --> 00:00:19,187
GRETCHEN:
Ooh, that smells good.
6
00:00:19,220 --> 00:00:20,388
I'm starving.
7
00:00:20,421 --> 00:00:21,722
Actually, this isn't for you.
8
00:00:21,755 --> 00:00:24,024
I made you guys...
9
00:00:24,058 --> 00:00:26,026
something else.
10
00:00:28,862 --> 00:00:30,098
Scrambled eggs?
11
00:00:30,131 --> 00:00:32,700
A dish so pedestrian
its name is the recipe?
12
00:00:32,733 --> 00:00:34,235
Yeah, what's the other thing?
I want that.
13
00:00:34,268 --> 00:00:36,237
Oh, this? (scoffs)
This is nothing.
14
00:00:36,270 --> 00:00:39,073
Just something I'm throwing
together for my veterans group.
15
00:00:41,075 --> 00:00:42,543
This is breakfast lasagna.
16
00:00:42,576 --> 00:00:44,445
That's Lindsay's
favorite dish.
17
00:00:44,478 --> 00:00:46,714
You don't have to lie
about your feelings for her.
18
00:00:46,747 --> 00:00:48,048
Really?
19
00:00:48,082 --> 00:00:49,250
Shit, yeah!
We're really invested in this.
20
00:00:49,283 --> 00:00:50,418
We want this to happen.
21
00:00:50,451 --> 00:00:52,953
Aw, thanks, guys.
'Cause whatever
happens,
22
00:00:52,986 --> 00:00:54,088
it's gonna be hilarious.
23
00:00:54,122 --> 00:00:55,456
This is like TV for us.
24
00:00:55,489 --> 00:00:57,258
Either they'll be banging
like zoo monkeys
25
00:00:57,291 --> 00:00:59,093
or-- even better--
she rejects him.
26
00:00:59,127 --> 00:01:00,928
All right, guys.
What if they
got married?
27
00:01:00,961 --> 00:01:03,264
Then he'd be married
to Lindsay.
28
00:01:03,297 --> 00:01:04,365
I think I've got it.
29
00:01:04,398 --> 00:01:06,267
Oh, my God, their kids
are gonna be so dumb.
30
00:01:06,300 --> 00:01:08,102
They'll be like,
"Hey, let's order some heroin."
31
00:01:08,136 --> 00:01:09,737
"H-How do you use a phone?"
32
00:01:09,770 --> 00:01:11,239
(laughs)
33
00:01:13,141 --> 00:01:14,442
So what do you do today?
34
00:01:14,475 --> 00:01:16,477
Well, my agent called.
35
00:01:16,510 --> 00:01:20,181
I have a meeting with
Jonathan R. Strasburg.
36
00:01:21,349 --> 00:01:24,118
Author of Brunching
with Vagabonds.
37
00:01:25,286 --> 00:01:26,920
The Milkweed of July?
38
00:01:26,954 --> 00:01:28,156
In Keeping with Clem?
39
00:01:28,189 --> 00:01:29,390
So what's the meeting for?
40
00:01:29,423 --> 00:01:30,791
Well, why would any author
41
00:01:30,824 --> 00:01:33,161
want to meet with
another author?
42
00:01:33,194 --> 00:01:34,962
'Cause they admire their work.
43
00:01:34,995 --> 00:01:36,330
He liked your book?
44
00:01:36,364 --> 00:01:37,965
Yeah, a lot of people
liked my book.
45
00:01:37,998 --> 00:01:39,167
You've seen the review.
46
00:01:40,334 --> 00:01:42,970
The thing on the wall
where you live.
47
00:01:43,003 --> 00:01:45,473
You walk by it
every day.
48
00:01:45,506 --> 00:01:47,107
Oh, you really put in
the bare minimum effort
49
00:01:47,141 --> 00:01:48,142
being a girlfriend, don't you?
50
00:01:48,176 --> 00:01:49,677
Work smart, not hard, Jimmy.
51
00:01:49,710 --> 00:01:51,245
Anyway, he's looking
for someone
52
00:01:51,279 --> 00:01:53,147
to help him on his new project.
53
00:01:53,181 --> 00:01:55,183
Shouldn't you be working
on your own book?
Yeah, I am.
54
00:01:55,216 --> 00:01:58,018
But not all of us have
the luxury of just paying rent
55
00:01:58,051 --> 00:02:00,754
whenever we feel like it or,
say, not at all.
56
00:02:00,788 --> 00:02:02,423
Why would I pay you rent?
It's your house.
57
00:02:02,456 --> 00:02:04,692
Your ability to bend semantics
58
00:02:04,725 --> 00:02:07,628
to best fit your financial
interests is quite impressive.
59
00:02:07,661 --> 00:02:09,430
I'm all about that paper.
60
00:02:09,463 --> 00:02:12,266
I got to go.
Check in later?
61
00:02:12,300 --> 00:02:14,001
Sorry, check in?
62
00:02:14,034 --> 00:02:16,504
I didn't mean it like that...
Never mind.
63
00:02:16,537 --> 00:02:18,306
Oh, I must know
what Gretchen's doing.
64
00:02:18,339 --> 00:02:20,208
I haven't spoken to her
in minutes.
65
00:02:20,241 --> 00:02:22,142
Shut up.
Hey!
66
00:02:22,176 --> 00:02:23,377
Just checking in.
67
00:02:23,411 --> 00:02:25,179
I was out of your
sight briefly.
68
00:02:25,213 --> 00:02:27,515
I'll, uh, text you again
at the end of the driveway.
69
00:02:27,548 --> 00:02:28,816
Jesus Christ.
70
00:02:33,421 --> 00:02:36,390
* I'm gonna leave you anyway
71
00:02:36,424 --> 00:02:39,393
* I'm gonna leave you
anyway *
72
00:02:39,427 --> 00:02:41,762
* Gonna leave you anyway.
73
00:02:48,602 --> 00:02:50,671
(woman speaking French
over headphones)
74
00:02:50,704 --> 00:02:54,375
It's hard to explain to someone
who hasn't and probably won't
75
00:02:54,408 --> 00:02:58,346
experience it, but, oh, Lindsay,
pregnancy is so magical.
76
00:02:58,379 --> 00:03:00,248
I mean,
my skin is glowing.
77
00:03:00,281 --> 00:03:02,416
My nails
are so strong,
78
00:03:02,450 --> 00:03:05,753
and... I just have
this deep inner well
79
00:03:05,786 --> 00:03:08,422
of peace and tranquility.
80
00:03:08,456 --> 00:03:09,757
Vernon, you idiot.
81
00:03:09,790 --> 00:03:11,559
Do you really want the baby
to inhale those fumes?
82
00:03:11,592 --> 00:03:13,361
Use your brain. God!
83
00:03:13,394 --> 00:03:16,830
Anyway, I am so glad I could
loan my husband out to you.
84
00:03:16,864 --> 00:03:18,766
Must be so hard
not having a man around.
85
00:03:18,799 --> 00:03:22,270
I don't know. I just don't want
to be one of those girls
86
00:03:22,303 --> 00:03:25,406
who settles for some doofus
frat boy just because
87
00:03:25,439 --> 00:03:26,674
their butt's starting to sag
88
00:03:26,707 --> 00:03:29,410
and their upper arms chunk out.
89
00:03:29,443 --> 00:03:32,012
Anyway,
I got a sign
90
00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:34,248
that my Paulywog still
has feelings for me.
91
00:03:34,282 --> 00:03:35,516
VERNON: Yo, can I get
this popcorn catalogue?
92
00:03:35,549 --> 00:03:37,418
Which says a
lot, considering
93
00:03:37,451 --> 00:03:39,353
he's with someone
as great as Amy.
94
00:03:39,387 --> 00:03:40,588
She a'ight.
(scoffs)
95
00:03:40,621 --> 00:03:42,256
What does the clerk's office
want with you?
96
00:03:42,290 --> 00:03:46,226
Ooh, honey, did you patent
an invention? (laughs)
97
00:03:46,260 --> 00:03:48,061
(laughing)
Right?
98
00:03:51,565 --> 00:03:52,800
Holy shit,
99
00:03:52,833 --> 00:03:54,435
that nerd's
'vorcin' you.
100
00:03:54,468 --> 00:03:56,870
Nice, Paul
grew some balls.
101
00:03:56,904 --> 00:03:58,606
You got served!
102
00:03:58,639 --> 00:04:00,408
Literally!
103
00:04:00,441 --> 00:04:02,710
All right, I'm gonna kick it
under that tree
104
00:04:02,743 --> 00:04:05,078
and look at this
popcorn catalogue real quick.
105
00:04:14,154 --> 00:04:15,456
Hey, guys.
106
00:04:15,489 --> 00:04:17,491
Where's Sam?
(scoffs)
Who knows?
107
00:04:17,525 --> 00:04:20,127
One day he's promoting
some new MMA fighter,
108
00:04:20,160 --> 00:04:23,497
the next he's opening up a
bespoke tailoring shop downtown.
Last week,
109
00:04:23,531 --> 00:04:25,132
he didn't even show up
to the studio,
110
00:04:25,165 --> 00:04:26,667
so instead of letting
that time go to waste,
111
00:04:26,700 --> 00:04:28,302
we cut our own shit
to drop online.
112
00:04:28,336 --> 00:04:30,338
Yeah.
Okay.
113
00:04:30,371 --> 00:04:32,740
Well, you don't
just drop it online.
114
00:04:32,773 --> 00:04:34,408
We'll build some
word-of-mouth buzz,
115
00:04:34,442 --> 00:04:35,476
I'll leak it to Stereogum...
116
00:04:35,509 --> 00:04:37,745
Uh, we-we uploaded
it this morning.
117
00:04:37,778 --> 00:04:39,980
Yeah, we need you to
go let Sam know for us.
118
00:04:40,013 --> 00:04:41,582
He's gonna be so mad.
119
00:04:41,615 --> 00:04:43,784
Last time he was mad,
he cried for a week.
120
00:04:43,817 --> 00:04:45,653
Then he burnt down
my mom's tool shed.
121
00:04:45,686 --> 00:04:48,389
Now she's keeping all her rakes
in the kitchen, like a chump.
122
00:04:49,490 --> 00:04:50,858
Fine.
123
00:04:50,891 --> 00:04:52,960
By the way, you guys
are now separate clients,
124
00:04:52,993 --> 00:04:54,662
so you will be billed
separately.
125
00:04:54,695 --> 00:04:57,297
But hey, you're paying for
the best in the business.
126
00:04:58,499 --> 00:04:59,900
(gasps)
127
00:05:02,403 --> 00:05:06,006
(classical music playing)
128
00:05:22,255 --> 00:05:24,992
OPEC price
manipulation.
129
00:05:26,394 --> 00:05:27,628
Putanesca!
130
00:05:27,661 --> 00:05:29,530
Hanging roller coasters.
131
00:05:29,563 --> 00:05:30,831
Rafael Nadal.
132
00:05:30,864 --> 00:05:32,633
What do they all have in common?
133
00:05:32,666 --> 00:05:33,834
Um...
134
00:05:33,867 --> 00:05:35,403
Plutocracy.
135
00:05:35,436 --> 00:05:37,505
It's the father
of meta-modernism.
136
00:05:37,538 --> 00:05:39,239
Just got off the phone
with Bill Maher.
137
00:05:39,272 --> 00:05:40,974
He was talking for,
like, a half hour,
138
00:05:41,008 --> 00:05:42,543
but I think I got the gist.
139
00:05:43,611 --> 00:05:45,846
Sit.
140
00:05:45,879 --> 00:05:48,181
(sucking teeth) Go. Sell me.
Tell me what you know about.
141
00:05:48,215 --> 00:05:50,183
Oh, okay.
Um...
142
00:05:50,217 --> 00:05:52,653
well, you won
the National Book Award in 2009.
143
00:05:52,686 --> 00:05:55,856
You were accepted to Harvard
but instead rode...
144
00:05:55,889 --> 00:05:58,559
sh-shipping containers
for three years,
145
00:05:58,592 --> 00:06:00,561
and...
Read.
146
00:06:07,901 --> 00:06:10,237
*
147
00:06:12,573 --> 00:06:14,241
Uh, F-sharp.
148
00:06:14,274 --> 00:06:17,377
Wow, I mean, it's-it's powerful.
Really vividly wrought.
149
00:06:17,411 --> 00:06:18,746
Critique me.
150
00:06:18,779 --> 00:06:20,448
Okay, uh,
well, the, um,
151
00:06:20,481 --> 00:06:22,082
image of the endless
Costco aisles
152
00:06:22,115 --> 00:06:25,185
seems somewhat
derivative of DeLillo.
153
00:06:25,218 --> 00:06:26,554
Get out.
154
00:06:26,587 --> 00:06:27,588
I don't understand.
155
00:06:27,621 --> 00:06:29,623
Get... the hell out!
156
00:06:29,657 --> 00:06:32,192
Jesus, fine.
Weirdo.
157
00:06:32,225 --> 00:06:34,027
Oh, calm down,
calm down, calm down.
158
00:06:34,061 --> 00:06:37,030
A guy tells you to leave, and
you mope away like Mike Torrez
159
00:06:37,064 --> 00:06:40,468
after he gave away that home run
to Bucky Dent in '78? Come on.
160
00:06:40,501 --> 00:06:42,770
(chuckles) Come on.
Let me take you to lunch.
161
00:06:42,803 --> 00:06:45,439
Oh. Okay.
Great.
162
00:06:45,473 --> 00:06:48,676
You're driving. I'm on
a shit-ton of pills right now.
163
00:06:55,282 --> 00:06:57,050
I counted to ten,
and then I just said,
164
00:06:57,084 --> 00:06:59,920
"Cheryl, I will get those to you
165
00:06:59,953 --> 00:07:03,056
right after Derek's birthday
cake in the break room."
166
00:07:03,090 --> 00:07:04,458
And you know what?
167
00:07:04,492 --> 00:07:05,593
She said, "Okay."
168
00:07:05,626 --> 00:07:07,427
Okay.
169
00:07:08,862 --> 00:07:11,999
Uh, okay, uh, Edgar,
why don't you share with us?
170
00:07:12,032 --> 00:07:13,467
What happened
with the mystery girl
171
00:07:13,501 --> 00:07:14,935
you were thinking
of pursuing?
172
00:07:14,968 --> 00:07:17,304
Well, um,
173
00:07:17,337 --> 00:07:21,575
I-I-I talked about it
with some friends, and...
174
00:07:21,609 --> 00:07:23,811
they don't think
it's a good idea,
175
00:07:23,844 --> 00:07:25,345
so...
176
00:07:25,378 --> 00:07:26,680
Okay.
177
00:07:26,714 --> 00:07:28,482
Uh, well, thank you for sharing.
178
00:07:28,516 --> 00:07:29,917
(light applause)
179
00:07:29,950 --> 00:07:32,319
Yarg, Captain,
180
00:07:32,352 --> 00:07:34,154
methinks I found a way out.
181
00:07:34,187 --> 00:07:35,489
Good.
182
00:07:35,523 --> 00:07:37,691
Because we can't spend
the rest of our lives
183
00:07:37,725 --> 00:07:40,093
inside the belly
of this whale.
184
00:07:40,127 --> 00:07:42,830
Aye, and it looks like this
tight, round hole is the exit.
185
00:07:42,863 --> 00:07:45,699
Ah, I better go first.
186
00:07:45,733 --> 00:07:47,768
Aye, sir, but remember
what happened last time.
187
00:07:47,801 --> 00:07:49,469
You should be
exiting through it,
188
00:07:49,503 --> 00:07:51,338
not putting
your penis in it.
189
00:07:51,371 --> 00:07:52,339
(giggles)
190
00:07:52,372 --> 00:07:54,508
(laughter)
191
00:07:54,542 --> 00:07:55,676
Okay.
192
00:07:55,709 --> 00:07:57,678
Okay.
So what we just did there
193
00:07:57,711 --> 00:07:59,179
was completely improvised.
194
00:07:59,212 --> 00:08:00,781
Which means we did not
plan it beforehand at all.
195
00:08:00,814 --> 00:08:02,349
GROUP LEADER:
Isn't that great?
196
00:08:02,382 --> 00:08:03,851
We have a special treat
for you guys today.
197
00:08:03,884 --> 00:08:05,118
This is Nathan and Nathan.
198
00:08:05,152 --> 00:08:07,521
People call me Tall Nathan.
199
00:08:07,555 --> 00:08:10,357
Well, Nathan and Tall Nathan
are from a local comedy school.
200
00:08:10,390 --> 00:08:12,893
And they're going to be
teaching us a lesson in improv.
201
00:08:12,926 --> 00:08:15,663
Studies show that this can help
with trauma-induced anxiety.
202
00:08:15,696 --> 00:08:17,965
We know what you've
all been through,
203
00:08:17,998 --> 00:08:19,700
and we're sensitive to it.
204
00:08:20,768 --> 00:08:21,702
Okay, let's start.
205
00:08:21,735 --> 00:08:25,338
Who wants to play
a gay banana?
206
00:08:26,774 --> 00:08:30,978
* I was born on the wrong side
of the tracks *
207
00:08:31,011 --> 00:08:35,916
* Leave my home and I never plan
on coming back... *
208
00:08:35,949 --> 00:08:37,551
My best shits are always here.
209
00:08:37,585 --> 00:08:38,819
I have no idea why.
210
00:08:38,852 --> 00:08:40,654
Wendy, can I get
a couple more shrimp cocktails?
211
00:08:40,688 --> 00:08:43,090
Do you think maybe
we should discuss the job?
212
00:08:43,123 --> 00:08:45,092
Relax. You're so inhibited.
213
00:08:45,125 --> 00:08:47,561
Listen, writing isn't sitting
behind a computer.
214
00:08:47,595 --> 00:08:49,897
Writing is
experiencing things,
215
00:08:49,930 --> 00:08:51,364
living.
216
00:08:51,398 --> 00:08:52,900
Look, some of the best writers
in the world
217
00:08:52,933 --> 00:08:54,367
have never written a word.
218
00:08:54,401 --> 00:08:55,703
You want to write?
219
00:08:55,736 --> 00:08:57,037
Here.
220
00:08:57,070 --> 00:08:59,573
Start by getting yourself
a lap dance.
221
00:08:59,607 --> 00:09:01,541
Go ahead.
222
00:09:01,575 --> 00:09:03,210
Go on.
223
00:09:03,243 --> 00:09:04,745
No, no, no, no, no.
224
00:09:04,778 --> 00:09:07,380
Not that one-- she's kind of
my strip club wife.
225
00:09:08,215 --> 00:09:09,783
All right, good boy.
226
00:09:09,817 --> 00:09:11,585
(dialing, line ringing)
227
00:09:11,619 --> 00:09:12,953
Hey.
228
00:09:12,986 --> 00:09:14,722
Do you want to get
a lap dance with me?
229
00:09:14,755 --> 00:09:16,456
Oh, hell yeah, I do.
230
00:09:20,728 --> 00:09:23,764
No, no, no, no,
the one with the C-section scar.
231
00:09:23,797 --> 00:09:25,766
Which one?
232
00:09:25,799 --> 00:09:30,070
* I'm so smart,
I got nothing on my mind *
233
00:09:30,103 --> 00:09:32,606
* I've got zero to-dos
234
00:09:32,640 --> 00:09:34,574
* And that's just fine.
235
00:09:34,608 --> 00:09:36,443
LINDSAY:
What the hell is this?
236
00:09:36,476 --> 00:09:39,647
Legal termination
of marriage contract?
237
00:09:39,680 --> 00:09:41,782
And what-- I'm sorry--
238
00:09:41,815 --> 00:09:45,786
what-what is irr...
239
00:09:45,819 --> 00:09:47,655
irrec... irr...
240
00:09:47,688 --> 00:09:49,089
Irreconcilable differences.
241
00:09:49,122 --> 00:09:52,592
It means that things
are so broken
242
00:09:52,626 --> 00:09:54,094
that they can't be fixed.
243
00:09:54,127 --> 00:09:55,796
Like when you put
all those pennies
244
00:09:55,829 --> 00:09:57,097
down the garbage disposal.
245
00:09:57,130 --> 00:09:59,099
We had sex last week.
246
00:09:59,132 --> 00:10:00,300
Yes, Paul told me.
247
00:10:00,333 --> 00:10:03,103
We have no secrets.
248
00:10:05,673 --> 00:10:07,007
Stop doing that.
249
00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:08,608
What are you
saying about me?
250
00:10:08,642 --> 00:10:10,310
I'm going to go check
on Conor.
251
00:10:10,343 --> 00:10:11,645
He's been pretty depressed.
252
00:10:11,679 --> 00:10:14,815
I'm afraid he's going to pet
that poor dog bald.
253
00:10:17,851 --> 00:10:20,287
I saw you watching me kiss Edgar
at the get-together.
254
00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:22,089
We both felt it.
255
00:10:22,122 --> 00:10:24,124
I'm gonna get you back.
256
00:10:24,157 --> 00:10:26,026
No, Lindsay.
257
00:10:26,059 --> 00:10:27,828
You're really not.
258
00:10:27,861 --> 00:10:29,863
Have fun having hand sex
259
00:10:29,897 --> 00:10:32,232
with your girlfriend
in the woods.
260
00:10:34,902 --> 00:10:36,136
If you must know,
261
00:10:36,169 --> 00:10:39,639
I'm able
to finish with her regular!
262
00:10:43,711 --> 00:10:45,645
Sam?
263
00:10:45,679 --> 00:10:47,647
(clattering)
264
00:10:52,720 --> 00:10:54,187
(shutter clicks)
265
00:11:00,493 --> 00:11:02,896
Sam?
266
00:11:02,930 --> 00:11:04,364
What's going on?
267
00:11:04,397 --> 00:11:06,566
Why'd you rebuild
your panic fort?
268
00:11:06,599 --> 00:11:07,868
SAM:
If you were abandoned
269
00:11:07,901 --> 00:11:09,536
and left for dead
by your best friends,
270
00:11:09,569 --> 00:11:10,838
you might do the same.
271
00:11:10,871 --> 00:11:12,740
You just gonna hang out
in your fort all day?
272
00:11:12,773 --> 00:11:14,507
Does it look like
I'm just hanging out?
273
00:11:14,541 --> 00:11:16,877
I already recorded
a response diss track.
274
00:11:16,910 --> 00:11:19,346
And it is brutal.
275
00:11:19,379 --> 00:11:21,548
Turns out, Honey Nutz rhymes
with Honey Butts!
276
00:11:21,581 --> 00:11:24,184
Okay, before you do anything,
just don't upload it to the...
277
00:11:24,217 --> 00:11:25,352
(phone chimes)
278
00:11:25,385 --> 00:11:26,887
Too late.
All right, that's it.
279
00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:28,722
I'm organizing a sit-down
between the three of you.
280
00:11:28,756 --> 00:11:30,858
You do not tell me
what to do, Gretch!
281
00:11:30,891 --> 00:11:32,059
I'm a man.
282
00:11:32,092 --> 00:11:34,361
I'm a full-grown,
shave-every-day,
283
00:11:34,394 --> 00:11:36,997
went-to-Tokyo-by-myself man.
284
00:11:37,030 --> 00:11:39,366
Fine.
285
00:11:39,399 --> 00:11:42,202
Hey, why don't
we go get something to eat, huh?
286
00:11:42,235 --> 00:11:44,938
My treat.
Any restaurant you want.
287
00:11:44,972 --> 00:11:46,506
Nobu?
288
00:11:46,539 --> 00:11:47,908
Any cheap diner you want.
289
00:11:50,543 --> 00:11:52,412
Um, okay, you,
blue shirt.
290
00:11:52,445 --> 00:11:54,882
Why don't you come up
and tag on in? Yeah, come on.
291
00:11:54,915 --> 00:11:57,751
Thank you.
All right. (chuckles)
292
00:11:57,785 --> 00:12:00,587
And... go.
293
00:12:00,620 --> 00:12:03,423
Well, since there aren't
any lions,
294
00:12:03,456 --> 00:12:06,760
I guess we'll just have
to train all these elephants!
295
00:12:06,794 --> 00:12:08,028
Th...
296
00:12:08,061 --> 00:12:10,197
Then I think we're gonna need
a bigger shovel.
297
00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:12,365
(chuckling)
Good thinking!
Unfortunately,
298
00:12:12,399 --> 00:12:16,736
all I have is this fork.
299
00:12:16,770 --> 00:12:18,738
Um...
300
00:12:18,772 --> 00:12:20,607
uh, w... um...
301
00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:23,877
(quietly):
I'm sorry. I don't think
I'm very good at this.
302
00:12:23,911 --> 00:12:26,880
Look, you're fine.
Remember, never bail out.
303
00:12:26,914 --> 00:12:29,582
When you're scared,
just trust your instincts.
304
00:12:29,616 --> 00:12:31,751
Okay.
305
00:12:31,785 --> 00:12:34,154
Um...
306
00:12:34,187 --> 00:12:36,456
(panting)
307
00:12:36,489 --> 00:12:39,259
Thanks for the fork.
308
00:12:40,994 --> 00:12:45,132
Unfortunately, I've
been using my hands.
309
00:12:45,165 --> 00:12:46,766
(chuckling)
310
00:12:48,301 --> 00:12:50,170
(laughter and applause)
311
00:12:57,644 --> 00:12:59,012
Wow.
312
00:12:59,046 --> 00:13:02,615
(chatter and applause)
313
00:13:08,621 --> 00:13:09,923
Oh, hell no!
314
00:13:09,957 --> 00:13:11,458
GRETCHEN: Just give me
five minutes.
315
00:13:11,491 --> 00:13:12,993
How much
do I do for you?
316
00:13:13,026 --> 00:13:15,829
I buy your drugs. I got
your mom into that condo.
317
00:13:15,863 --> 00:13:17,164
I stopped you from investing
318
00:13:17,197 --> 00:13:19,032
in Sufjan Stevens'
broth restaurant.
319
00:13:19,900 --> 00:13:21,434
Five minutes.
320
00:13:21,468 --> 00:13:25,272
And I'm taking
my chicken tendies to go.
Okay.
321
00:13:25,305 --> 00:13:27,674
I heard your song.
322
00:13:27,707 --> 00:13:29,442
Yeah, that was real low,
323
00:13:29,476 --> 00:13:31,211
telling the world
about my fake nut.
324
00:13:31,244 --> 00:13:32,946
I should have said
you have no nuts,
325
00:13:32,980 --> 00:13:35,182
recording tracks
behind my back!
326
00:13:35,215 --> 00:13:36,950
Treating me like you Salt-N-Pepa
327
00:13:36,984 --> 00:13:38,451
and I'm Spinderella and shit!
328
00:13:38,485 --> 00:13:41,021
Spinderella would never hack
a brother's Netflix queue!
329
00:13:41,054 --> 00:13:43,023
I had, like, 500 things
I wanted to watch.
330
00:13:43,056 --> 00:13:45,725
Now the only thing I can
remember is Peaky Blinders.
331
00:13:45,758 --> 00:13:48,728
Hey, hey! What happened
to you guys?
332
00:13:48,761 --> 00:13:51,865
Working together used to be,
like, your favorite thing to do.
333
00:13:51,899 --> 00:13:53,867
All you did was skate and record
334
00:13:53,901 --> 00:13:56,970
and throw ice at the guy handing
out Jimmy Kimmel tickets.
335
00:13:57,004 --> 00:13:58,671
You guys
were like brothers,
336
00:13:58,705 --> 00:14:00,874
living together
in that one-bedroom in Venice.
337
00:14:00,908 --> 00:14:03,043
You all take turns
between the bed, the couch,
338
00:14:03,076 --> 00:14:04,878
and the baby pool
filled with pillows.
339
00:14:04,912 --> 00:14:06,013
(chuckles)
(chuckles)
340
00:14:06,046 --> 00:14:07,347
Remember when I got blown
341
00:14:07,380 --> 00:14:09,883
in that pool
by the UCLA German professor?
342
00:14:09,917 --> 00:14:12,886
"Your penis was at achtung!"
343
00:14:12,920 --> 00:14:13,887
(laughing)
344
00:14:13,921 --> 00:14:15,989
See?
345
00:14:16,023 --> 00:14:18,191
You guys make an awesome team.
346
00:14:18,959 --> 00:14:21,094
I'm sorry.
(phone chimes)
347
00:14:21,128 --> 00:14:22,930
HONEY NUTZ:
Yeah, that was mean of us.
SHITSTAIN: Me, too, man.
348
00:14:22,963 --> 00:14:25,698
SAM: All of them?
HONEY NUTZ and SHITSTAIN: Yeah.
349
00:14:25,732 --> 00:14:26,900
Wait.
Bitch!
350
00:14:26,934 --> 00:14:28,535
You just made
an eloquent speech
351
00:14:28,568 --> 00:14:29,937
that I greatly appreciated.
352
00:14:29,970 --> 00:14:31,104
(quietly):
Flip the table and storm out.
353
00:14:31,138 --> 00:14:32,105
This table's a classic.
354
00:14:32,139 --> 00:14:33,373
I will do no such thing.
355
00:14:33,406 --> 00:14:34,908
Pitchfork just posted
a whole thing
356
00:14:34,942 --> 00:14:36,543
on your beef. It's blowing up.
357
00:14:36,576 --> 00:14:37,544
For real?
358
00:14:37,577 --> 00:14:39,279
Guys, this has
gone too far!
359
00:14:39,312 --> 00:14:40,780
Threatening each
other's lives?
360
00:14:40,813 --> 00:14:42,950
Telling each other to suck
each other's dicks?!
361
00:14:44,952 --> 00:14:47,687
Well, if these bitches
362
00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:49,689
do not suck my dick
363
00:14:49,722 --> 00:14:51,758
sometime in the
immediate future,
364
00:14:51,791 --> 00:14:53,593
I will kill they asses!
365
00:14:53,626 --> 00:14:56,196
W-Well, well,
my-my schedule
366
00:14:56,229 --> 00:15:00,733
is too full from writing dope
raps to suck your dick!
367
00:15:00,767 --> 00:15:04,737
Yeah! And Jaclyn and I recently
decided to become exclusive,
368
00:15:04,771 --> 00:15:06,940
so I don't think she
would appreciate me
369
00:15:06,974 --> 00:15:09,542
sucking your dick!
370
00:15:09,576 --> 00:15:10,543
(camera clicking)
371
00:15:10,577 --> 00:15:12,012
Just knock some shit over.
372
00:15:18,818 --> 00:15:20,487
Rap beef! Rap beef!
Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, hey.
373
00:15:20,520 --> 00:15:22,655
We out of here... we
out of here, 'Stain.
374
00:15:29,029 --> 00:15:31,631
Oh, my God, I was so scared.
375
00:15:35,202 --> 00:15:36,569
What are we doing here?
376
00:15:36,603 --> 00:15:39,806
Gazing into the darkness,
seeing if it gazes back.
377
00:15:40,640 --> 00:15:43,243
Hi, Mommy.
378
00:15:43,276 --> 00:15:46,413
This is Jimmy.
He's my new friend.
379
00:15:46,446 --> 00:15:50,017
Jimmy, talk to her
for a bit.
Oh, uh...
380
00:15:50,050 --> 00:15:55,122
Uh, Mrs. Strasburg, your son
is a really big influence on me.
381
00:15:55,155 --> 00:15:57,190
You must be very proud.
382
00:16:00,227 --> 00:16:03,130
Oh, this room is quite nice,
I must say.
383
00:16:03,163 --> 00:16:05,598
(moaning)
Ooh. Shh, shh.
384
00:16:05,632 --> 00:16:07,467
It's okay.
It's okay.
385
00:16:07,500 --> 00:16:09,869
Oh, it's like a glove full
of pencils.
386
00:16:12,172 --> 00:16:15,042
"I do not know which to prefer,
387
00:16:15,075 --> 00:16:18,678
"the beauty of inflections
or the beauty of innuendos,
388
00:16:18,711 --> 00:16:22,449
the blackbird whistling
or just after."
389
00:16:22,482 --> 00:16:25,018
Wallace Stevens.
390
00:16:25,052 --> 00:16:27,887
Who are you, and why are you
holding my mother's hand?
391
00:16:37,097 --> 00:16:39,066
I stole some checkers
from the rec room.
392
00:16:39,099 --> 00:16:40,567
Just making
a little chaos.
393
00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:42,035
What the hell
was that?
394
00:16:42,069 --> 00:16:44,171
That wasn't your
mum, was it?
No, no.
395
00:16:44,204 --> 00:16:47,040
She's, uh... she's back in Boca.
396
00:16:47,074 --> 00:16:49,809
How long were you talking
to that old lady, you weirdo?
397
00:16:49,842 --> 00:16:50,910
(laughs)
398
00:16:50,943 --> 00:16:52,479
I'm going home.
399
00:16:52,512 --> 00:16:54,681
I read your book.
400
00:16:54,714 --> 00:16:56,183
It's amazing.
401
00:16:56,216 --> 00:17:00,387
I loved how
Colm, the father,
402
00:17:00,420 --> 00:17:04,023
never took the top all the
way off his cans of beans,
403
00:17:04,057 --> 00:17:06,393
details that say so much
404
00:17:06,426 --> 00:17:09,429
while saying so little.
405
00:17:10,430 --> 00:17:13,600
No one else
ever picked up on that.
406
00:17:13,633 --> 00:17:15,868
Not even Steeb Corniglia.
407
00:17:15,902 --> 00:17:19,339
That's because nobody else
really understood it.
408
00:17:19,372 --> 00:17:21,608
I loved your...
409
00:17:21,641 --> 00:17:25,445
relentlessly aggressive
prosaic style.
410
00:17:25,478 --> 00:17:28,181
I can help you bludgeon
your fear,
411
00:17:28,215 --> 00:17:30,950
teach you to write a book that
will make those smug bastards
412
00:17:30,983 --> 00:17:33,920
and castrating bitches come
crawling back, knees bloodied,
413
00:17:33,953 --> 00:17:35,888
begging for forgiveness.
414
00:17:35,922 --> 00:17:38,125
I would kill to see that.
415
00:17:38,158 --> 00:17:40,293
But... I don't know.
416
00:17:40,327 --> 00:17:42,462
Look,
417
00:17:42,495 --> 00:17:45,132
I need some help
researching this book.
418
00:17:51,938 --> 00:17:54,574
Here's a little advance
in good faith.
419
00:17:55,475 --> 00:17:56,776
What do you say?
420
00:17:56,809 --> 00:17:58,311
You in?
421
00:17:58,345 --> 00:18:00,313
I think...
Good.
422
00:18:00,347 --> 00:18:01,781
Good!
423
00:18:01,814 --> 00:18:03,316
Good, good day!
424
00:18:03,350 --> 00:18:04,984
I'll see you tomorrow.
425
00:18:05,017 --> 00:18:07,720
Make a
little chaos.
426
00:18:07,754 --> 00:18:11,358
(tires screech)
Hey! I'm a writer!
427
00:18:12,159 --> 00:18:14,161
(line ringing)
428
00:18:14,194 --> 00:18:16,596
Russell Fleischer.
It's Jimmy.
429
00:18:16,629 --> 00:18:18,598
Strasburg loved my book.
430
00:18:18,631 --> 00:18:20,167
Great. So you're taking the job?
431
00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:21,601
Hell no.
432
00:18:21,634 --> 00:18:23,403
I, Jimmy Shive-Overly,
433
00:18:23,436 --> 00:18:26,173
will not be
some has-been's lackey.
434
00:18:26,206 --> 00:18:28,775
That'd be like Thomas Keller
making the donkey sauce
435
00:18:28,808 --> 00:18:31,144
for Guy Fieri's taco burgers.
436
00:18:31,178 --> 00:18:33,346
No, I'm gonna write a new novel,
437
00:18:33,380 --> 00:18:35,315
for I am a writer.
438
00:18:35,348 --> 00:18:37,317
So you don't need
the extra work?
439
00:18:37,350 --> 00:18:39,519
Well, of course I do.
Look, I'm drowning over here.
440
00:18:39,552 --> 00:18:41,188
Just-just find me
something else.
441
00:18:41,221 --> 00:18:43,590
Do your job, man.
442
00:18:43,623 --> 00:18:45,292
So what were the checkers for?
443
00:18:45,325 --> 00:18:48,295
JIMMY: He told me
to "make a little chaos."
444
00:18:48,328 --> 00:18:50,697
What a douche.
I mean, he wanted me to think
445
00:18:50,730 --> 00:18:53,700
he was this eccentric genius
who could mentor me.
446
00:18:53,733 --> 00:18:55,435
But, you know what,
447
00:18:55,468 --> 00:18:57,537
I read some of his book.
448
00:18:57,570 --> 00:18:59,772
It was rubbish, and he knows it.
449
00:18:59,806 --> 00:19:01,941
I mean, I think he just wants
to vampire me
450
00:19:01,974 --> 00:19:04,377
because he thinks I'm a...
I'm a fresh new voice.
451
00:19:04,411 --> 00:19:06,012
And you know what? I am.
452
00:19:06,045 --> 00:19:07,814
And modest, too.
453
00:19:07,847 --> 00:19:11,318
He did give me a wad
of money though.
454
00:19:11,351 --> 00:19:13,353
Oh, I just wrote you a
check for six months' rent.
455
00:19:13,386 --> 00:19:15,655
But I guess
you don't really need it n-now.
456
00:19:15,688 --> 00:19:18,225
And... deposited.
457
00:19:18,258 --> 00:19:19,726
So, how was
your day?
458
00:19:19,759 --> 00:19:21,728
Oh, my God,
I have so much to tell you.
459
00:19:21,761 --> 00:19:23,062
See? Aren't you glad
460
00:19:23,095 --> 00:19:25,232
we decided not to "check in"
with each other?
461
00:19:25,265 --> 00:19:27,234
No kidding.
462
00:19:27,267 --> 00:19:30,036
So, I'd basically given up
on this Jolly Rancher,
463
00:19:30,069 --> 00:19:32,572
but then, out of the corner
of my eye...
464
00:19:36,343 --> 00:19:37,744
LINDSAY:
Hi. Is this Bear Stearns?
465
00:19:37,777 --> 00:19:39,178
I'm looking for Mr. Bear.
466
00:19:39,212 --> 00:19:41,214
I have some extra money
to invest.
467
00:19:41,248 --> 00:19:43,416
Do you have any suggestions?
468
00:19:43,450 --> 00:19:46,753
(goofy voice):
The sound investment
is... honey!
469
00:19:46,786 --> 00:19:48,821
LINDSAY (chuckles):
You're so funny.
470
00:19:48,855 --> 00:19:50,390
You can't invest in honey.
471
00:19:50,423 --> 00:19:51,858
Yes, you can.
472
00:19:51,891 --> 00:19:55,027
I know I did,
when I married you.
473
00:20:04,471 --> 00:20:07,240
*
474
00:20:21,321 --> 00:20:23,290
(knocking on door)
475
00:20:28,761 --> 00:20:31,531
Lindsay, there's something
I've been meaning to tell you.
476
00:20:31,564 --> 00:20:33,266
Um, I'm sort of busy right now.
477
00:20:33,300 --> 00:20:34,734
EDGAR:
Well, it's just that...
478
00:20:34,767 --> 00:20:36,269
Uh, Lindsay, how do I say this?
Do you mind
479
00:20:36,303 --> 00:20:37,470
maybe just texting me later?
480
00:20:37,504 --> 00:20:38,905
Wait, but I...
481
00:20:39,306 --> 00:20:40,640
(pop)
482
00:20:44,176 --> 00:20:45,278
Shit!
483
00:20:57,324 --> 00:20:59,292
"Never bail out."
484
00:21:05,865 --> 00:21:08,368
(screams)
Hot!
485
00:21:12,138 --> 00:21:13,673
Oh...
486
00:21:15,808 --> 00:21:18,144
(breathing slowly,
oxygen mask flutters quietly)
487
00:21:34,461 --> 00:21:37,530
* Lay off me, would you?
488
00:21:40,400 --> 00:21:45,304
* I'm just trying
to take this new skin *
489
00:21:45,338 --> 00:21:47,807
* For a spin
490
00:21:49,809 --> 00:21:52,712
* Pray for me, would you?
491
00:21:54,914 --> 00:22:00,219
* I'm just nervous
'bout my family *
492
00:22:00,252 --> 00:22:02,822
* Filing in
493
00:22:04,424 --> 00:22:07,394
* Ready to wrap me up
(gear shift clicks)
494
00:22:09,496 --> 00:22:11,964
* Ready to love me in this
495
00:22:11,998 --> 00:22:13,700
(engine starts)
496
00:22:13,733 --> 00:22:18,538
* New skin I'm filling in
497
00:22:18,571 --> 00:22:23,042
* I am a tired woman
498
00:22:23,943 --> 00:22:26,713
* In January
499
00:22:26,746 --> 00:22:32,419
* I will just be 23
500
00:22:34,421 --> 00:22:38,157
* In Kansas City
501
00:22:38,190 --> 00:22:41,661
* I was undressed and bested
502
00:22:41,694 --> 00:22:46,032
* By an airtight floor...
503
00:22:47,266 --> 00:22:49,802
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
504
00:22:56,809 --> 00:22:58,478
[ Water Dripping ]
505
00:23:03,750 --> 00:23:05,251
[ Clears Throat ]
506
00:23:12,959 --> 00:23:16,763
You know, if you lowered me
about three feet--
507
00:23:25,472 --> 00:23:29,476
[ Crowd Cheering ]
[ Applause ]
508
00:23:29,509 --> 00:23:32,745
I would like to dedicate
this induction to my
number-one draft pick,
509
00:23:32,779 --> 00:23:34,814
year in and year out.
510
00:23:34,847 --> 00:23:38,317
Thomas Edward Patrick Brady Jr.,
511
00:23:38,350 --> 00:23:40,487
who, like me,
512
00:23:40,520 --> 00:23:43,590
has spontaneous
and amazing facial hair...
513
00:23:43,623 --> 00:23:46,125
and the support
of a superhot wife.
514
00:23:46,158 --> 00:23:47,860
Love you, Sofia.
515
00:23:48,528 --> 00:23:50,129
Love you, Gisele.
516
00:23:50,162 --> 00:23:52,932
The League.
All new, Wednesdays at 10:00.
517
00:23:52,965 --> 00:23:55,167
Only on FXX.
518
00:23:56,168 --> 00:23:58,638
(sighing)
519
00:24:02,875 --> 00:24:05,177
-(doorbell rings)
-RADIO, CHORUS:
* Ba-la, la-la-la
520
00:24:05,211 --> 00:24:08,848
MAN:
* The sun is shining
* Sha-la, la-la-la
521
00:24:08,881 --> 00:24:12,619
* The birds are singing
* Sha-la, la-la-la
522
00:24:12,652 --> 00:24:16,523
* It's a beautiful day
and my love is here to stay *
523
00:24:16,556 --> 00:24:18,691
Fargo.
All new, Mondays at 10:00.
524
00:24:18,725 --> 00:24:20,993
Starts October 12 on FX.
525
00:24:37,209 --> 00:24:39,145
The Bastard Executioner.
526
00:24:39,178 --> 00:24:42,014
All new,
Tuesdays at 10:00 on FX.
527
00:24:43,249 --> 00:24:45,384
(knocking)
528
00:24:46,553 --> 00:24:49,021
(pounding on door)
529
00:24:52,491 --> 00:24:53,492
(screams)
37165
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