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1
00:00:01,102 --> 00:00:03,737
The League.
All new, Wednesdays at 10:00.
2
00:00:03,771 --> 00:00:05,739
Only on FXX.
3
00:00:08,008 --> 00:00:10,678
FXX presents You're the Worst.
4
00:00:10,711 --> 00:00:11,779
[ Man Laughs ]
5
00:00:14,915 --> 00:00:16,184
Oh, no. Oh, my God.
6
00:00:16,217 --> 00:00:18,219
What's wrong?
7
00:00:18,252 --> 00:00:20,188
Oh... never mind.
8
00:00:20,221 --> 00:00:21,989
I thought
Lena Dunham's dog died.
9
00:00:22,022 --> 00:00:23,991
Whew!
10
00:00:24,024 --> 00:00:25,793
It's just my aunt's.
11
00:00:28,229 --> 00:00:29,530
Whoa.
12
00:00:29,563 --> 00:00:31,199
Heather's pregnant.
13
00:00:31,232 --> 00:00:33,701
Who?
Heather, she's pregnant.
14
00:00:33,734 --> 00:00:35,836
Ha-ha.
15
00:00:35,869 --> 00:00:37,371
Holy shit.
Who's Heather?
16
00:00:37,405 --> 00:00:38,839
Heather.
17
00:00:38,872 --> 00:00:40,608
Yeah, I understand it's
a name commonly given
18
00:00:40,641 --> 00:00:42,410
to human women
in the '80s,
19
00:00:42,443 --> 00:00:44,245
but I have no idea
who Heather is.
20
00:00:44,278 --> 00:00:45,213
Heather.
21
00:00:45,246 --> 00:00:47,115
Oh, my God.
22
00:00:47,148 --> 00:00:48,949
Ow!
How do you not know
who Heather is?
23
00:00:48,982 --> 00:00:52,253
Heather of "Heather, Gretchen,
Bernadette, Justine, and Cory."
24
00:00:52,286 --> 00:00:54,722
My main crew, my girls.
25
00:00:54,755 --> 00:00:56,857
I've never heard of
any of these people.
26
00:00:56,890 --> 00:00:58,192
Heather used to work
with Justine.
27
00:00:58,226 --> 00:01:00,528
But not Tattoo Justine,
Ecstasy Justine.
28
00:01:00,561 --> 00:01:02,062
And Bernadette used to date
Rose's boyfriend
29
00:01:02,096 --> 00:01:03,397
when they were
in that band together,
30
00:01:03,431 --> 00:01:05,533
and then she started
dating Rose.
31
00:01:05,566 --> 00:01:06,867
And Cory was
the bartender at Pistol
32
00:01:06,900 --> 00:01:08,569
where we used to drink
all the time
33
00:01:08,602 --> 00:01:10,604
because they had great trance
night and even better cocaine.
34
00:01:10,638 --> 00:01:14,708
I've literally never heard any
of those words from you before.
35
00:01:14,742 --> 00:01:16,310
Except cocaine.
36
00:01:16,344 --> 00:01:18,045
I can't believe
she's pregnant again.
37
00:01:18,078 --> 00:01:19,580
What a dummy.
38
00:01:19,613 --> 00:01:22,583
I wonder how much abobos
even cost these days.
39
00:01:22,616 --> 00:01:23,617
(gasps)
40
00:01:23,651 --> 00:01:24,885
I should offer to go with her.
41
00:01:24,918 --> 00:01:26,920
We could get
post-abobo mani-pedis.
42
00:01:26,954 --> 00:01:30,124
Oh, Gretchen, you don't need
to pretend you have friends.
43
00:01:30,158 --> 00:01:32,226
What? I have friends.
44
00:01:32,260 --> 00:01:34,462
No, there's nothing wrong
with not having friends.
45
00:01:35,463 --> 00:01:36,430
I don't.
46
00:01:36,464 --> 00:01:37,665
You don't have any friends?
47
00:01:37,698 --> 00:01:40,100
Nope, friends
are for babies.
48
00:01:40,134 --> 00:01:42,570
Even my grandma has
tons of friends.
49
00:01:42,603 --> 00:01:44,605
You never outgrow the need
to feel connected to people.
50
00:01:44,638 --> 00:01:46,174
Nah, not me.
51
00:01:46,207 --> 00:01:47,808
So if you're so close,
52
00:01:47,841 --> 00:01:49,777
why haven't I met any
of these "girls"?
53
00:01:49,810 --> 00:01:51,812
I haven't seen 'em
in a couple months.
54
00:01:51,845 --> 00:01:53,281
Been super busy.
55
00:01:53,314 --> 00:01:55,483
Yeah, with my dick.
56
00:01:55,516 --> 00:01:58,519
Sorry, I've been doing
a lot of online gaming.
57
00:01:58,552 --> 00:02:00,854
I'm in a war with this
autistic kid from Sweden
58
00:02:00,888 --> 00:02:02,323
who keeps blocking
me on Instagram.
59
00:02:02,356 --> 00:02:03,757
Oh, you're on Instagram?
60
00:02:03,791 --> 00:02:06,294
Yeah, mostly I just
use it to stalk Vernon.
61
00:02:06,327 --> 00:02:08,162
His photos are tragic.
62
00:02:08,196 --> 00:02:09,497
Ooh, I want to see.
63
00:02:09,530 --> 00:02:10,464
(laughs)
64
00:02:10,498 --> 00:02:13,267
Did he get a selfie stick?
65
00:02:13,301 --> 00:02:15,035
What the...?
(phone dings)
66
00:02:15,068 --> 00:02:17,305
What did you just do?
I accidentally liked his photo.
67
00:02:17,338 --> 00:02:19,139
Oh, quick, uh, unlike it.
68
00:02:19,173 --> 00:02:20,308
Goddamn it, woman!
69
00:02:20,341 --> 00:02:21,675
I did it really fast.
70
00:02:21,709 --> 00:02:23,211
I'm sure he didn't even notice.
71
00:02:23,244 --> 00:02:25,313
(chuckling):
Oh, my God!
72
00:02:25,346 --> 00:02:27,147
Finally happened!
73
00:02:29,049 --> 00:02:30,451
Sorry about that.
74
00:02:30,484 --> 00:02:34,522
Yeah, so... turns out,
you're gonna lose the leg.
75
00:02:35,523 --> 00:02:37,358
Yes.
76
00:02:42,162 --> 00:02:44,898
* I'm gonna leave you anyway
77
00:02:44,932 --> 00:02:47,668
* I'm gonna leave you
anyway *
78
00:02:47,701 --> 00:02:50,338
* Gonna leave you anyway.
79
00:02:53,941 --> 00:02:55,075
(Lindsay sighs)
80
00:02:55,108 --> 00:02:57,545
You're so lucky
you live near water.
81
00:02:57,578 --> 00:02:59,247
You live half a mile
from the ocean.
82
00:02:59,280 --> 00:03:01,849
Ugh, seagulls,
sand dollars.
83
00:03:01,882 --> 00:03:04,652
Fat people in blankets
drinking orange soda.
84
00:03:04,685 --> 00:03:06,887
No thanks, ocean.
(cell phone chimes)
85
00:03:06,920 --> 00:03:09,089
Ooh, another dick pic.
86
00:03:09,122 --> 00:03:11,259
And... forwarded.
87
00:03:11,292 --> 00:03:13,361
Online dating is so fun.
88
00:03:13,394 --> 00:03:14,862
Who are you
forwarding them to?
89
00:03:14,895 --> 00:03:17,197
This gay porn site pays
me ten bucks a dick.
90
00:03:17,231 --> 00:03:19,367
(gasps)
I have a job.
91
00:03:19,400 --> 00:03:21,335
(chuckles)
92
00:03:21,369 --> 00:03:22,603
Look.
93
00:03:22,636 --> 00:03:24,838
Ew, whose pee
stick is that?
94
00:03:24,872 --> 00:03:27,174
Heather, she got herself
knocked up again.
95
00:03:27,207 --> 00:03:28,709
You know, "Heather,
Bernadette, Justine, Cory."
96
00:03:28,742 --> 00:03:30,544
Oh, yeah.
97
00:03:30,578 --> 00:03:33,013
I haven't seen those
basic hos in a minute.
98
00:03:33,046 --> 00:03:34,748
Probably 'cause you went
into hiding on the west side
99
00:03:34,782 --> 00:03:36,517
where no cool girls deign to go.
100
00:03:36,550 --> 00:03:40,120
Well, I'm back in the real world
and crushing this dick pic game.
101
00:03:40,153 --> 00:03:41,555
Well, I'm glad.
102
00:03:41,589 --> 00:03:42,890
I was a little worried
about you after Paul left.
103
00:03:42,923 --> 00:03:44,525
I'm not gonna lie.
104
00:03:44,558 --> 00:03:46,594
It's hard when you reach
over in the morning
105
00:03:46,627 --> 00:03:48,095
and there's no one there
106
00:03:48,128 --> 00:03:49,563
except for the sandwich
you fell asleep eating.
107
00:03:49,597 --> 00:03:51,599
You need closure
from that nerd.
108
00:03:51,632 --> 00:03:52,800
(gasps)
109
00:03:52,833 --> 00:03:54,868
You know what?
I'm gonna have a party.
110
00:03:54,902 --> 00:03:57,605
Mmm.
Reconnect with my girls, throw
down old-school like we used to.
111
00:03:57,638 --> 00:03:59,607
I've been looking
to rub Paul's face
112
00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:01,909
in how dope I look and
how fun my life is.
113
00:04:01,942 --> 00:04:03,811
Inviting him to
a get-together
114
00:04:03,844 --> 00:04:06,113
where I'm smooching some Tinder
rando is a perfect way to do it.
115
00:04:06,146 --> 00:04:08,115
It's not a "get-together,"
it's a party.
116
00:04:08,148 --> 00:04:09,750
My girls don't do
"get-togethers."
117
00:04:09,783 --> 00:04:11,051
Par-tay.
118
00:04:11,084 --> 00:04:13,120
Par-tay...
119
00:04:16,189 --> 00:04:18,125
Excuse me!
120
00:04:18,158 --> 00:04:19,960
You dropped something!
121
00:04:21,329 --> 00:04:23,130
No, it's more
to the left.
122
00:04:23,163 --> 00:04:25,333
(Lindsay and Gretchen laugh)
123
00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:28,636
I really think
124
00:04:28,669 --> 00:04:30,971
Lindsay is beginning to
consider me, you know?
125
00:04:31,004 --> 00:04:32,340
Sexually.
Ugh.
126
00:04:32,373 --> 00:04:34,342
I was wondering
if I should make a move.
127
00:04:34,375 --> 00:04:36,610
That's a terrible idea.
128
00:04:36,644 --> 00:04:38,946
That's exactly what I thought,
because she's still married.
129
00:04:38,979 --> 00:04:40,814
That's not what I meant.
130
00:04:40,848 --> 00:04:42,816
I mean, I come
from a family of honor.
131
00:04:43,884 --> 00:04:45,252
Well, directly,
I come from a family
132
00:04:45,285 --> 00:04:47,020
of home invaders,
identity thieves
133
00:04:47,054 --> 00:04:49,289
and, in my Uncle Xavier's case,
the butt-stabber of San Pasqual.
134
00:04:49,323 --> 00:04:52,326
But my lineage is
one of honor,
135
00:04:52,360 --> 00:04:55,329
and so to clean
the deck ethically,
136
00:04:55,363 --> 00:04:58,098
I'm gonna ask Paul for
permission to pursue his wife.
137
00:04:58,131 --> 00:05:00,133
Please videotape
that exchange.
138
00:05:00,167 --> 00:05:03,471
That way, I'll be free
to put the moves on Lindsay
139
00:05:03,504 --> 00:05:05,473
at our party.
140
00:05:05,506 --> 00:05:06,774
What party?
141
00:05:06,807 --> 00:05:08,376
Gretchen's throwing
a party for her girls.
142
00:05:08,409 --> 00:05:10,978
I never agreed
to a party.
143
00:05:11,011 --> 00:05:11,979
We proxy-voted you.
144
00:05:12,012 --> 00:05:13,547
You lost two-to-one.
145
00:05:13,581 --> 00:05:15,983
Wait, if you didn't know
about the party,
146
00:05:16,016 --> 00:05:18,486
why'd you think we bought
all this alcohol?
147
00:05:18,519 --> 00:05:21,021
Oh, great, now I have to go
back to the store for my stuff.
148
00:05:25,192 --> 00:05:26,360
EDGAR (whispering):
Be strong, be straight,
149
00:05:26,394 --> 00:05:27,828
be firm, be confident.
150
00:05:27,861 --> 00:05:29,997
Be strong, be straight,
be firm, be confident.
151
00:05:30,030 --> 00:05:32,666
Edgar.
152
00:05:32,700 --> 00:05:35,536
How nice of you to visit
my little backyard Shangri-la.
153
00:05:35,569 --> 00:05:37,170
(chuckles)
154
00:05:37,204 --> 00:05:38,739
Wh-Whose house
is this?
155
00:05:38,772 --> 00:05:40,708
My biking buddy Connor.
156
00:05:40,741 --> 00:05:42,710
His wife Mimi died
recently,
157
00:05:42,743 --> 00:05:44,712
and I wanted to make sure
he wasn't alone.
158
00:05:44,745 --> 00:05:46,013
What happened?
159
00:05:46,046 --> 00:05:47,915
Recumbent bikes have
many good qualities,
160
00:05:47,948 --> 00:05:50,150
but they're sometimes
hard to see from up high.
161
00:05:50,183 --> 00:05:52,252
Oh, no.
162
00:05:52,285 --> 00:05:54,187
The driver of the semi
never knew she was there.
163
00:05:54,221 --> 00:05:56,189
Poor thing was
dragged three miles.
164
00:05:56,223 --> 00:05:59,527
You've never seen
Connor pedal so fast.
165
00:05:59,560 --> 00:06:02,195
He kept motioning frantically
for the truck to stop,
166
00:06:02,229 --> 00:06:04,364
but the driver thought
he wanted him to honk.
167
00:06:04,398 --> 00:06:07,868
She was actually alive until
the semi got on the freeway.
168
00:06:07,901 --> 00:06:09,403
Well, that's the most
terrible story...
169
00:06:09,437 --> 00:06:12,105
Sad thing is, Mimi didn't want
to go out that day
170
00:06:12,139 --> 00:06:15,543
because her safety flag had been
stolen outside the junior high.
171
00:06:15,576 --> 00:06:18,211
But Connor told her they could
stop at the bike store
172
00:06:18,245 --> 00:06:20,514
after they raced
to Starbucks for tea.
173
00:06:20,548 --> 00:06:22,282
Uh, please give my
condolences to Con...
174
00:06:22,315 --> 00:06:26,286
The really sad thing is that
Connor wanted to let Mimi win
175
00:06:26,319 --> 00:06:28,956
because her impetigo
had been flaring up again.
176
00:06:28,989 --> 00:06:30,758
That's the only reason she
reached the intersection first.
177
00:06:30,791 --> 00:06:32,760
I don't need to
hear every...
178
00:06:32,793 --> 00:06:36,363
The extra sad thing is, the
whole time she was being dragged
179
00:06:36,396 --> 00:06:39,199
towards the onramp,
she was texting Connor.
180
00:06:39,232 --> 00:06:41,535
Her phone still accessible
in its holder
181
00:06:41,569 --> 00:06:43,070
on the handlebars,
you see?
182
00:06:43,103 --> 00:06:45,739
I saw the texts.
183
00:06:45,773 --> 00:06:47,307
They're quite chilling.
184
00:06:50,077 --> 00:06:51,945
You had something
you wanted to talk about?
185
00:06:51,979 --> 00:06:54,848
Yeah, I have to be
up front with you.
186
00:06:56,183 --> 00:06:57,384
I'm gonna go
after your woman.
187
00:06:57,417 --> 00:06:58,719
Please don't go after Amy.
188
00:06:58,752 --> 00:07:00,721
Oh, uh, no.
189
00:07:00,754 --> 00:07:01,922
Lindsay.
190
00:07:01,955 --> 00:07:03,557
Oh.
191
00:07:03,591 --> 00:07:06,894
Well... I'm actually glad
to hear she's moving on.
192
00:07:06,927 --> 00:07:09,763
Now I can move Amy
out of the Days Inn.
193
00:07:09,797 --> 00:07:10,764
Then it's a win-win.
194
00:07:10,798 --> 00:07:12,733
Few of those in this world.
195
00:07:12,766 --> 00:07:15,503
(man sobs loudly)
196
00:07:17,771 --> 00:07:20,608
Tea time's always
hardest for Connor.
197
00:07:22,209 --> 00:07:24,377
*
198
00:07:45,833 --> 00:07:48,502
My date tonight is
everything Paul isn't.
199
00:07:48,536 --> 00:07:50,604
He's tall, he's
thin, he's dumb.
200
00:07:50,638 --> 00:07:52,139
Look.
201
00:07:52,906 --> 00:07:54,041
And he's fun, too.
202
00:07:54,074 --> 00:07:56,209
He spells "titties"
with a "Z."
203
00:07:56,243 --> 00:07:57,545
You're so getting
murdered.
204
00:07:57,578 --> 00:07:59,079
I know.
205
00:08:04,685 --> 00:08:05,986
Hello.
206
00:08:06,019 --> 00:08:07,287
Um, excuse me.
207
00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:09,022
Excu...
208
00:08:09,056 --> 00:08:10,190
Hello.
209
00:08:11,892 --> 00:08:13,561
Can you read?
210
00:08:28,676 --> 00:08:31,178
Why is Killian bartending?
211
00:08:31,211 --> 00:08:33,681
Oh, while I was unloading
the car, he snuck up on me
212
00:08:33,714 --> 00:08:35,382
and said that
things were scary
213
00:08:35,415 --> 00:08:37,017
because his parents were
taking some time apart.
214
00:08:37,050 --> 00:08:39,820
Then he asked if we
were having a party.
215
00:08:39,853 --> 00:08:41,321
He caught me
at a weak moment.
216
00:08:41,354 --> 00:08:43,090
So you put him to work?
217
00:08:43,123 --> 00:08:44,758
What?
218
00:08:44,792 --> 00:08:47,861
I'm supposed to just let him
mingle at an adult gathering?
219
00:08:47,895 --> 00:08:49,262
Good point.
220
00:08:49,296 --> 00:08:51,665
I am so stoked for you
to meet my girls!
221
00:08:51,699 --> 00:08:53,500
Ugh.
They're super hard-core.
222
00:08:53,533 --> 00:08:55,102
Bernadette is such a lush.
223
00:08:55,135 --> 00:08:57,170
And no shit,
I wouldn't be surprised
224
00:08:57,204 --> 00:08:58,271
if Justine tried to blow you.
225
00:08:58,305 --> 00:08:59,506
She bangs everyone's
boyfriends.
226
00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:01,508
Then she's super
apologetic about it.
227
00:09:01,541 --> 00:09:03,243
This party's gonna
be so dope.
228
00:09:03,276 --> 00:09:05,112
I thought it was
a get-together.
229
00:09:05,145 --> 00:09:07,981
We have a bartender.
230
00:09:12,385 --> 00:09:13,754
LINDSAY:
Oh, no.
231
00:09:13,787 --> 00:09:16,056
Gretchen, I've
been catfished.
232
00:09:16,089 --> 00:09:18,091
Oh, buddy.
233
00:09:18,125 --> 00:09:19,793
He's actually a
nine-year-old boy.
234
00:09:19,827 --> 00:09:21,461
His stepmom caught him sexting
with some other skank,
235
00:09:21,494 --> 00:09:22,896
and she wrote to me.
236
00:09:22,930 --> 00:09:25,398
No wonder he didn't know
how to spell titties.
237
00:09:25,432 --> 00:09:26,967
What am I gonna do now?
238
00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:29,903
Paul is coming; I'm gonna
look like such a loser.
239
00:09:29,937 --> 00:09:31,371
How old are you?
240
00:09:31,404 --> 00:09:33,974
Sorry, ma'am, I'm working.
241
00:09:34,007 --> 00:09:35,408
They're here.
242
00:09:35,442 --> 00:09:36,543
Bitches!
243
00:09:36,576 --> 00:09:37,310
(gasps)
Oh.
244
00:09:37,344 --> 00:09:39,312
Shh...
(laughs)
245
00:09:39,346 --> 00:09:42,716
Whoa, did you bring
your own pony keg to the party?
246
00:09:42,750 --> 00:09:43,651
You drunk.
247
00:09:43,684 --> 00:09:44,718
It's a baby.
248
00:09:44,752 --> 00:09:46,586
Oh, why do you have a baby?
249
00:09:46,620 --> 00:09:48,288
Because I had a baby.
250
00:09:48,321 --> 00:09:50,290
Oh.
251
00:09:50,323 --> 00:09:52,259
Okay.
252
00:09:52,292 --> 00:09:54,061
You're not still pregnant,
are you?
253
00:09:54,094 --> 00:09:55,763
I think so.
254
00:09:55,796 --> 00:09:56,897
Ew, I'm sorry.
255
00:09:56,930 --> 00:09:58,331
I hate that.
256
00:09:58,365 --> 00:09:59,499
I mean, if you're willing
to drive to Whittier,
257
00:09:59,532 --> 00:10:00,901
there's this place
you can just walk in.
258
00:10:00,934 --> 00:10:02,302
It's right near
a Marie Callender's.
259
00:10:02,335 --> 00:10:03,403
We can make a day of it.
260
00:10:03,436 --> 00:10:04,972
What are you drinking?
I'm not.
261
00:10:05,005 --> 00:10:06,206
I mean, if you're
getting rid of it...
262
00:10:07,808 --> 00:10:09,677
Oh...
263
00:10:09,710 --> 00:10:10,844
Huh.
264
00:10:11,779 --> 00:10:13,346
Where's Cory?
265
00:10:13,380 --> 00:10:16,650
She hit a bit of
a rough patch.
266
00:10:16,684 --> 00:10:18,318
What's going on?
267
00:10:18,351 --> 00:10:19,853
We're "Heather, Gretchen,
Bernadette, Justine and Cory."
268
00:10:19,887 --> 00:10:23,290
None of us have actually had
much time to hang in a while,
269
00:10:23,323 --> 00:10:26,426
so this is like
a mini-reunion for us, too.
270
00:10:26,459 --> 00:10:28,128
Okay.
271
00:10:28,161 --> 00:10:29,596
Well...
272
00:10:29,629 --> 00:10:31,598
please tell me you're still
a total alcoholic.
273
00:10:31,631 --> 00:10:32,666
(scoffs)
Of course.
274
00:10:32,700 --> 00:10:35,368
Thank God.
I do. Every day.
275
00:10:35,402 --> 00:10:36,870
Jesus Christ.
276
00:10:42,075 --> 00:10:43,276
Hey.
277
00:10:43,310 --> 00:10:44,611
We're out of chips.
278
00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:46,313
Uh...
279
00:10:46,346 --> 00:10:47,848
Listen, I've been
thinking a lot
280
00:10:47,881 --> 00:10:49,316
about what happened
the other night.
281
00:10:49,349 --> 00:10:51,785
What happened?
Well, I know
that I was
282
00:10:51,819 --> 00:10:54,054
"taking photos" of you
for "dating purposes"
283
00:10:54,087 --> 00:10:55,655
with "guys who have
a lot of money
284
00:10:55,689 --> 00:10:57,224
and/or giant hogs..."
285
00:10:57,257 --> 00:10:58,726
You memorized my profile.
286
00:10:58,759 --> 00:11:00,861
Look, Lindsay,
287
00:11:00,894 --> 00:11:02,896
I'm in a really good place
right now.
288
00:11:02,930 --> 00:11:04,397
I feel strong,
289
00:11:04,431 --> 00:11:06,199
and ever since
you got separated from...
290
00:11:06,233 --> 00:11:07,835
Paul.
Right, Paul.
291
00:11:07,868 --> 00:11:09,903
So I...
Hello, Lindsay.
292
00:11:09,937 --> 00:11:11,138
Edgar.
293
00:11:11,171 --> 00:11:13,073
Hey...
Hello, Paul.
294
00:11:13,106 --> 00:11:15,142
Look, Lindsay,
295
00:11:15,175 --> 00:11:18,345
we didn't want to ambush you,
but, uh...
296
00:11:18,378 --> 00:11:19,913
What the farts?
297
00:11:19,947 --> 00:11:21,481
Hi, Lindsay.
298
00:11:21,514 --> 00:11:23,851
Listen, I'd never
want to make you feel
299
00:11:23,884 --> 00:11:26,153
uncomfortable
at your own party.
300
00:11:26,186 --> 00:11:27,721
Paul told me you'd
be okay with this,
301
00:11:27,755 --> 00:11:30,190
but eek, you know?
302
00:11:30,223 --> 00:11:32,893
I'd feel better if I heard it
from the ol' horse's mouth.
303
00:11:32,926 --> 00:11:34,361
Are you calling me
an old horse?
304
00:11:34,394 --> 00:11:37,230
And scout's honor,
if you want us to skedaddle,
305
00:11:37,264 --> 00:11:39,933
well, we'll get
skedaddlin'.
306
00:11:42,635 --> 00:11:44,204
Well... (laughs)
307
00:11:44,237 --> 00:11:47,007
it might have been
a little weird, but...
308
00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:49,609
ever since...
309
00:11:49,642 --> 00:11:51,378
this happened,
310
00:11:51,411 --> 00:11:54,381
any jealous bone
has left my body.
311
00:11:54,414 --> 00:11:56,249
Old bone out,
new bone in.
312
00:11:56,283 --> 00:11:58,118
AMY:
Okay. Phew.
313
00:11:58,151 --> 00:12:00,253
(giggles)
I'm Amy Cadingle.
314
00:12:00,287 --> 00:12:01,789
Edgar Quintero.
315
00:12:01,822 --> 00:12:03,290
Lindsay's honey.
Mm-hmm.
316
00:12:03,323 --> 00:12:04,724
Edgar.
317
00:12:04,758 --> 00:12:06,860
F.T.W.
318
00:12:06,894 --> 00:12:08,095
That means "for the win."
319
00:12:08,128 --> 00:12:10,263
(both laugh)
320
00:12:17,337 --> 00:12:19,472
(door opens)
321
00:12:19,506 --> 00:12:20,607
Hey!
322
00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:22,309
There you are.
I got your message
323
00:12:22,342 --> 00:12:23,944
on my 'Gram.
324
00:12:23,977 --> 00:12:24,912
Received loud and clear.
325
00:12:24,945 --> 00:12:26,379
Oh, goddamn it, Gretchen.
326
00:12:26,413 --> 00:12:27,815
I don't know
what it is
327
00:12:27,848 --> 00:12:29,950
about us that our relaish
keeps going south.
328
00:12:29,983 --> 00:12:31,484
Maybe we just have
too much in common.
329
00:12:31,518 --> 00:12:32,820
We have nothing in common.
330
00:12:32,853 --> 00:12:34,721
We're like Hall & Oates.
331
00:12:34,754 --> 00:12:36,056
There's clearly
332
00:12:36,089 --> 00:12:37,791
frisson between them, you know?
333
00:12:37,825 --> 00:12:41,461
And maybe it's the electricity
of two alphas
334
00:12:41,494 --> 00:12:44,798
that's caused them to churn out
the finest catalog of hits
335
00:12:44,832 --> 00:12:45,966
in pop history.
336
00:12:45,999 --> 00:12:49,136
So let's get past
all this nonsense
337
00:12:49,169 --> 00:12:50,737
and make our
"Method of Modern Love."
338
00:12:50,770 --> 00:12:53,340
That isn't even
one of their better songs.
339
00:12:53,373 --> 00:12:56,309
You're right.
340
00:12:56,343 --> 00:12:58,478
It's their best song.
341
00:12:58,511 --> 00:13:00,247
We have a great rapport.
(groans)
342
00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:01,514
You should do my podcast.
343
00:13:01,548 --> 00:13:02,515
(Jimmy laughs)
344
00:13:02,549 --> 00:13:03,750
PAUL:
Jimmy!
345
00:13:03,783 --> 00:13:05,618
Great party!
346
00:13:05,652 --> 00:13:07,420
I have a girlfriend.
347
00:13:07,454 --> 00:13:10,157
(laughing)
348
00:13:10,190 --> 00:13:11,992
JUSTINE: It wasn't
really my intention
349
00:13:12,025 --> 00:13:13,593
to get into education,
350
00:13:13,626 --> 00:13:15,863
but when I substituted
that first day,
351
00:13:15,896 --> 00:13:18,131
it just kind of... clicked.
352
00:13:19,399 --> 00:13:21,334
Remember when you had
that birthday party
353
00:13:21,368 --> 00:13:22,836
and we locked you
in your bedroom
354
00:13:22,870 --> 00:13:24,938
'cause you were yelling
at your guests
355
00:13:24,972 --> 00:13:26,206
and threatening suicide by cop?
356
00:13:26,239 --> 00:13:27,807
Mmm. Unfortunately.
357
00:13:27,841 --> 00:13:29,442
And then you climbed
out the fire escape
358
00:13:29,476 --> 00:13:30,878
and came back in the front
359
00:13:30,911 --> 00:13:32,345
and yelled,
"I'm back, cocksuckers!"
360
00:13:32,379 --> 00:13:33,881
(laughs)
361
00:13:33,914 --> 00:13:35,282
That was hilarious!
362
00:13:35,315 --> 00:13:36,516
That was mortifying,
363
00:13:36,549 --> 00:13:38,551
actually.
It's a great story.
364
00:13:38,585 --> 00:13:41,221
I have enough of those
to last a lifetime.
365
00:13:41,254 --> 00:13:42,890
Yeah.
366
00:13:42,923 --> 00:13:44,524
Well.
367
00:13:44,557 --> 00:13:46,726
Seriously, thanks for inviting
us to your get-together.
368
00:13:46,759 --> 00:13:49,963
Party.
It seems more like
a get-together.
369
00:13:49,997 --> 00:13:51,531
It's a goddamn party...
370
00:13:51,564 --> 00:13:52,799
Okay, Gretchen.
371
00:13:52,832 --> 00:13:54,234
Oh, my God. Look.
372
00:13:55,936 --> 00:13:57,137
Cory!
373
00:13:57,170 --> 00:13:59,072
Thank God
you're here.
374
00:13:59,106 --> 00:14:00,073
How are you?
375
00:14:00,107 --> 00:14:02,075
Need A Drink status.
376
00:14:04,611 --> 00:14:05,678
CORY:
Ah. That's better.
377
00:14:09,749 --> 00:14:10,750
'Sup?
378
00:14:10,783 --> 00:14:11,584
Hi, Cor.
379
00:14:11,618 --> 00:14:12,585
Mm-hmm.
380
00:14:12,619 --> 00:14:13,720
What's that?
381
00:14:13,753 --> 00:14:15,255
It's my baby.
382
00:14:15,288 --> 00:14:17,057
Gross.
383
00:14:17,090 --> 00:14:19,392
(baby fusses)
384
00:14:19,426 --> 00:14:21,194
And I'm gonna
go over here.
385
00:14:21,228 --> 00:14:22,729
Nice to see you, Cory.
386
00:14:23,796 --> 00:14:25,398
Cor, I'm pregnant.
Could you not...
387
00:14:25,432 --> 00:14:26,733
Not smoke at a party?
388
00:14:26,766 --> 00:14:28,936
No, I cannot
not smoke at a party.
389
00:14:28,969 --> 00:14:31,905
Can you not bring your
unborn tummy worm to a party?
390
00:14:31,939 --> 00:14:33,606
Gretchen invited us,
391
00:14:33,640 --> 00:14:34,841
offspring and all.
392
00:14:34,874 --> 00:14:36,009
I didn't actually
invite babies,
393
00:14:36,043 --> 00:14:38,045
per se.
Mega-burn.
394
00:14:38,078 --> 00:14:40,780
Okay. Well, I guess
I'm going over there, too.
395
00:14:43,650 --> 00:14:45,385
I mean...
396
00:14:50,723 --> 00:14:53,193
(exhales)
I am so glad you're here.
397
00:14:53,226 --> 00:14:55,528
They are so different,
it's insane.
398
00:14:55,562 --> 00:14:57,230
Could I have one of those?
399
00:14:57,264 --> 00:14:58,765
A dollar.
400
00:14:58,798 --> 00:14:59,799
Ha.
401
00:14:59,832 --> 00:15:00,800
Are you serious?
402
00:15:00,833 --> 00:15:02,735
Shit yeah. It's 2015, bitch,
403
00:15:02,769 --> 00:15:04,938
and EBT ain't even trying
to let me buy smokes anymore.
404
00:15:04,972 --> 00:15:06,273
Never mind.
405
00:15:06,306 --> 00:15:08,075
So what was that
all about?
406
00:15:08,108 --> 00:15:10,710
Heather thinks
I stole her stereo,
407
00:15:10,743 --> 00:15:11,979
suspicious-ass bitch.
408
00:15:12,012 --> 00:15:13,746
Oh, my God,
that's crazy.
I know.
409
00:15:13,780 --> 00:15:14,881
I just borrowed it.
410
00:15:14,914 --> 00:15:15,915
I was totally
gonna get it
411
00:15:15,949 --> 00:15:17,150
back from the pawnshop
412
00:15:17,184 --> 00:15:18,285
and then she got all aggro,
413
00:15:18,318 --> 00:15:19,552
and I was like, screw that.
414
00:15:19,586 --> 00:15:20,920
That no-trusting-ass bitch.
415
00:15:20,954 --> 00:15:22,322
Just on principle.
416
00:15:22,355 --> 00:15:23,723
Plus, I had this dog
417
00:15:23,756 --> 00:15:25,225
and it bit this kid in the face
and that was
418
00:15:25,258 --> 00:15:26,326
a whole thing,
so it's not like
419
00:15:26,359 --> 00:15:28,295
I wasn't gonna get high.
420
00:15:28,328 --> 00:15:29,829
Yeah. Totally.
421
00:15:29,862 --> 00:15:31,164
So whose house is this?
422
00:15:31,198 --> 00:15:32,432
Mine.
423
00:15:32,465 --> 00:15:34,134
Oh.
424
00:15:34,167 --> 00:15:35,302
(fork clatters)
425
00:15:35,335 --> 00:15:36,636
All right, now
tell me whose nut
426
00:15:36,669 --> 00:15:38,238
I should suck on.
427
00:15:38,271 --> 00:15:39,939
I got kicked out of the shelter
again for fighting.
428
00:15:41,975 --> 00:15:45,245
PAUL: The amazing thing
about 3D puzzles
429
00:15:45,278 --> 00:15:47,480
is that they force you
430
00:15:47,514 --> 00:15:50,583
to use multiple axes
of your cerebral cortex.
431
00:15:50,617 --> 00:15:51,518
(laughs)
432
00:15:51,551 --> 00:15:53,420
Me habla puzzles.
433
00:15:53,453 --> 00:15:55,355
Right? (laughing)
434
00:15:55,388 --> 00:15:56,689
(laughing)
435
00:15:56,723 --> 00:15:58,825
(phone beeping)
436
00:15:58,858 --> 00:16:00,093
Ooh, boy.
437
00:16:00,127 --> 00:16:01,594
According to my
life-logging app,
438
00:16:01,628 --> 00:16:02,829
I haven't consumed
this much alcohol
439
00:16:02,862 --> 00:16:05,265
since after Mimi's funeral.
440
00:16:05,298 --> 00:16:06,699
(laughing)
PAUL:
Don't worry.
441
00:16:06,733 --> 00:16:09,936
I shall "boot and rally."
442
00:16:09,969 --> 00:16:11,471
(laughs)
443
00:16:12,372 --> 00:16:13,640
Hate that dork.
444
00:16:13,673 --> 00:16:15,442
Why's he got to ruin puzzles
445
00:16:15,475 --> 00:16:16,643
with a third "D"?
446
00:16:16,676 --> 00:16:18,211
Want to game it up?
447
00:16:18,245 --> 00:16:20,013
(sighs)
448
00:16:20,047 --> 00:16:21,848
Sure.
449
00:16:22,915 --> 00:16:23,950
People think
Joss Whedon sold out
450
00:16:23,983 --> 00:16:25,052
when he did The Avengers,
451
00:16:25,085 --> 00:16:26,653
but that's like saying
452
00:16:26,686 --> 00:16:28,188
Hugh Howey should have
never expanded Wool
453
00:16:28,221 --> 00:16:30,557
from a Kindle Single
to a full novel.
454
00:16:30,590 --> 00:16:33,026
"8:23 p.m. Vomited.
455
00:16:33,060 --> 00:16:35,662
"Color: off-white.
456
00:16:35,695 --> 00:16:37,330
Contents: beer
comma hiking gorp."
457
00:16:37,364 --> 00:16:39,199
And there you are, honey.
458
00:16:41,268 --> 00:16:42,469
What's that?
459
00:16:42,502 --> 00:16:44,071
What are you doing
with your hands?
460
00:16:44,104 --> 00:16:45,572
Sorry. It's ASL.
461
00:16:45,605 --> 00:16:47,006
I work as an interpreter.
462
00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:48,475
My parents are both deaf.
463
00:16:48,508 --> 00:16:49,676
Sometimes I don't even notice
I'm doing it.
464
00:16:49,709 --> 00:16:50,910
PAUL:
I'm learning, too.
465
00:16:50,943 --> 00:16:51,911
(laughs)
466
00:16:51,944 --> 00:16:53,280
He's a natural.
467
00:16:55,748 --> 00:16:57,517
Ah, somebody's slurring!
468
00:16:57,550 --> 00:16:58,585
(Paul mock-groans)
469
00:16:58,618 --> 00:17:00,387
(baby coos)
470
00:17:00,420 --> 00:17:02,255
Hey, Gretchen,
thanks again,
471
00:17:02,289 --> 00:17:04,257
but it's kind of
late for us.
472
00:17:04,291 --> 00:17:05,492
Don't leave.
473
00:17:05,525 --> 00:17:06,826
I-I'm sorry.
474
00:17:06,859 --> 00:17:07,994
I know it's been,
like, almost a year
475
00:17:08,027 --> 00:17:09,262
since I last reached out.
476
00:17:09,296 --> 00:17:10,663
It's been over three years.
477
00:17:10,697 --> 00:17:12,099
It has?
478
00:17:12,132 --> 00:17:13,400
Really?
479
00:17:13,433 --> 00:17:14,367
It's okay.
480
00:17:14,401 --> 00:17:15,502
You know, things change.
481
00:17:15,535 --> 00:17:17,337
That's God's business, not ours.
482
00:17:17,370 --> 00:17:18,871
Come on.
483
00:17:18,905 --> 00:17:20,673
Let's go out some night soon,
just the four of us.
484
00:17:20,707 --> 00:17:21,708
Really catch up.
485
00:17:21,741 --> 00:17:23,243
You can get
a babysitter.
486
00:17:23,276 --> 00:17:25,245
Dump the kid,
we can party like we used to.
487
00:17:25,278 --> 00:17:27,614
The thing is, Gretchen,
I don't want to dump the kid.
488
00:17:27,647 --> 00:17:29,182
You'll understand someday.
489
00:17:29,216 --> 00:17:31,484
Bye, sweetheart.
490
00:17:39,092 --> 00:17:41,294
(music playing,
indistinct chatter)
491
00:17:43,663 --> 00:17:47,200
Hey, I made more mashed
potato savory cupcakes.
492
00:17:47,234 --> 00:17:48,801
I'm not hungry.
493
00:17:50,170 --> 00:17:51,804
Edgar, I'm sorry.
494
00:17:51,838 --> 00:17:54,307
For what?
495
00:17:54,341 --> 00:17:56,943
For using you to try
to make Paul jealous.
496
00:17:56,976 --> 00:17:58,745
Amy's great.
497
00:17:58,778 --> 00:18:00,413
Crazy boring
498
00:18:00,447 --> 00:18:03,983
and, yeah, she has that thing
with her eye, but...
499
00:18:04,016 --> 00:18:05,718
she's nice.
500
00:18:05,752 --> 00:18:08,221
And you're nice.
501
00:18:08,255 --> 00:18:11,124
And Paul is nice and I'm...
502
00:18:11,158 --> 00:18:13,160
well... not.
503
00:18:13,193 --> 00:18:14,994
I think
you're great...
504
00:18:15,027 --> 00:18:16,829
No, I'm materialistic.
505
00:18:16,863 --> 00:18:19,466
I'm incapable of being alone.
506
00:18:19,499 --> 00:18:22,269
I never really learned
how to shower that good.
507
00:18:22,302 --> 00:18:24,537
I almost always forget
to flush the toilet...
508
00:18:27,274 --> 00:18:29,008
What are you doing?
509
00:18:29,041 --> 00:18:30,109
Sorry.
510
00:18:30,143 --> 00:18:32,044
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
511
00:18:33,680 --> 00:18:35,748
(gasps)
Good thinking.
512
00:18:35,782 --> 00:18:38,017
He's watching.
Kiss me harder.
513
00:18:50,163 --> 00:18:51,731
*
514
00:19:01,708 --> 00:19:03,710
Well, it's just like
I told Gretchen.
515
00:19:03,743 --> 00:19:04,811
Friends are for babies.
516
00:19:04,844 --> 00:19:06,346
And just because
I fell in feces
517
00:19:06,379 --> 00:19:08,047
and all the kids
called me
518
00:19:08,080 --> 00:19:09,949
"Shitty Jimmy," and I was
the smartest kid in my class,
519
00:19:09,982 --> 00:19:12,785
that has nothing to do
with why I don't need friends.
520
00:19:12,819 --> 00:19:14,321
Jimmy, I want
to tell you something.
521
00:19:14,354 --> 00:19:15,722
I was born dead.
522
00:19:15,755 --> 00:19:17,023
(dart clatters to floor)
523
00:19:17,056 --> 00:19:18,024
Sorry, what?
524
00:19:18,057 --> 00:19:19,492
No pulse.
525
00:19:19,526 --> 00:19:20,560
Totally blue.
526
00:19:20,593 --> 00:19:22,995
I died for, like, 15 minutes.
527
00:19:23,029 --> 00:19:24,531
Then...
528
00:19:24,564 --> 00:19:25,865
bam!
529
00:19:25,898 --> 00:19:27,166
Alive.
530
00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:28,301
You should've seen
the priest's face.
531
00:19:28,335 --> 00:19:29,336
If I could change
532
00:19:29,369 --> 00:19:31,571
just one thing about myself,
533
00:19:31,604 --> 00:19:33,306
it'd be that I was born alive.
534
00:19:33,340 --> 00:19:35,408
But you know what
I realized?
535
00:19:35,442 --> 00:19:38,545
When it comes down to it,
we're all born dead.
536
00:19:38,578 --> 00:19:40,347
It's only through
other people,
537
00:19:40,380 --> 00:19:42,649
through friends,
that we become alive.
538
00:19:42,682 --> 00:19:45,785
Not a last-second
mucus vacuum.
539
00:19:47,254 --> 00:19:48,988
Thanks, man.
540
00:19:49,021 --> 00:19:51,023
I love you so much.
541
00:19:51,057 --> 00:19:51,858
Get out.
542
00:19:51,891 --> 00:19:53,025
I know it makes
543
00:19:53,059 --> 00:19:54,561
a lot of people
uncomfortable,
544
00:19:54,594 --> 00:19:56,263
but you'll see, I am just
like everybody else.
545
00:19:56,296 --> 00:19:57,830
Mmm. Oh.
546
00:19:57,864 --> 00:19:59,566
Thanks for letting me
come to your party, Jimmy.
547
00:19:59,599 --> 00:20:01,934
You're a really
good friend.
548
00:20:03,102 --> 00:20:04,637
Oh, goddamn it.
549
00:20:07,807 --> 00:20:09,075
How'd it go
with your girls?
550
00:20:09,108 --> 00:20:11,611
They're not my girls anymore.
551
00:20:11,644 --> 00:20:12,779
You were right.
Friends are dumb.
552
00:20:12,812 --> 00:20:13,913
I told you.
553
00:20:13,946 --> 00:20:17,284
Those basic hos
are super basic.
554
00:20:17,317 --> 00:20:19,352
Ooh...
555
00:20:19,386 --> 00:20:20,720
That's nice.
556
00:20:20,753 --> 00:20:22,722
I didn't know
things had changed so much.
557
00:20:22,755 --> 00:20:25,091
I just want to go dancing
like we used to.
558
00:20:25,124 --> 00:20:27,193
Just one more time.
559
00:20:27,226 --> 00:20:28,194
No, thanks.
560
00:20:28,227 --> 00:20:29,462
I'll go dancing
with you.
561
00:20:29,496 --> 00:20:31,063
You will? Okay!
562
00:20:31,097 --> 00:20:31,931
Let's go!
563
00:20:31,964 --> 00:20:33,366
Ooh...
564
00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:34,467
GRETCHEN:
I mean...
565
00:20:34,501 --> 00:20:36,269
we have booze and music.
566
00:20:36,303 --> 00:20:37,437
We can just dance here.
567
00:20:37,470 --> 00:20:38,738
That sounds perfect.
568
00:20:38,771 --> 00:20:41,073
Oh, God.
569
00:20:42,942 --> 00:20:45,077
Hey. Where's the stereo?
570
00:20:50,650 --> 00:20:51,918
'Sup, short round?
571
00:20:51,951 --> 00:20:53,252
Want to buy a dope-ass
retro turntable?
572
00:20:53,286 --> 00:20:55,788
Comes with most of the wires.
573
00:20:55,822 --> 00:20:56,923
25 bills.
574
00:20:56,956 --> 00:20:58,057
I only made six dollars tonight.
575
00:20:58,090 --> 00:20:59,926
Simple-ass midget.
576
00:20:59,959 --> 00:21:02,862
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
577
00:21:04,797 --> 00:21:09,235
* One thing I've found
578
00:21:09,268 --> 00:21:13,773
* As I've moved around
from town to town *
579
00:21:13,806 --> 00:21:16,275
* When you were mine *
580
00:21:16,309 --> 00:21:19,245
* Now I kind of want to die
581
00:21:19,278 --> 00:21:21,280
* And that's the truest way
582
00:21:21,314 --> 00:21:24,317
* To know that I'm alive.
583
00:21:37,897 --> 00:21:41,368
You're the Worst.
All new, Wednesday at 10:30.
584
00:21:41,401 --> 00:21:42,602
On FXX.
585
00:21:44,203 --> 00:21:47,106
[ Crowd Cheering ]
A fantasy league
is like a family--
586
00:21:47,139 --> 00:21:48,475
said no one ever.
587
00:21:48,508 --> 00:21:51,143
I have achieved more
than I ever thought possible--
588
00:21:51,177 --> 00:21:53,680
a checking account,
unlimited texting.
589
00:21:53,713 --> 00:21:56,616
Win or lose,
it's how you play
your friends.
590
00:21:56,649 --> 00:22:00,052
Do I have any regrets?
Yeah. Tony Romo.
591
00:22:00,086 --> 00:22:03,956
History is not written
by the winners.
It's written by the cheaters.
592
00:22:03,990 --> 00:22:07,026
My mother always wondered,
how low can you go?
593
00:22:07,059 --> 00:22:08,628
Well, Mom, pretty low.
594
00:22:08,661 --> 00:22:11,398
The League.
All new, Wednesdays at 10:00.
595
00:22:11,431 --> 00:22:13,800
Only on FXX.
596
00:22:15,402 --> 00:22:18,070
[ Buzzing ]
597
00:22:18,104 --> 00:22:20,707
Who is calling
this late?
598
00:22:20,740 --> 00:22:23,175
Oof.
Lina, your phone.
What?
599
00:22:23,209 --> 00:22:25,445
[ Buzzing ]
Oh.
600
00:22:28,515 --> 00:22:31,150
Oh. Sorry.
[ Buzzing Stops ]
601
00:22:31,183 --> 00:22:33,152
[ Dog Barking In Distance ]
602
00:22:33,185 --> 00:22:35,187
That wasn't your phone,
was it?
603
00:22:35,221 --> 00:22:37,256
Don't worry about it.
604
00:22:37,289 --> 00:22:38,791
That's my girl.
605
00:22:39,892 --> 00:22:42,762
Married. All new,
Thursdays at 10:30.
606
00:22:42,795 --> 00:22:44,697
Only on FX.
607
00:22:49,368 --> 00:22:50,870
[ Metal Ringing ]
608
00:22:52,772 --> 00:22:55,742
The Bastard Executioner.
All new, Tuesdays at 10:00.
609
00:22:59,479 --> 00:23:01,448
[ Dings ]
610
00:23:07,954 --> 00:23:10,389
[ Engines Idling ]
611
00:23:18,998 --> 00:23:20,967
Well, back on the clock.
612
00:23:23,135 --> 00:23:23,202
Yeah, okay.
41079
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