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*
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>> EDGAR: Gretchen, will you
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please pass the syrup to your
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boyfriend?
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>> GRETCHEN: Ugh!
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>> JIMMY: We're eating!
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>> EDGAR: What?
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You're boyfriend-girlfriend now,
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right?
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>> GRETCHEN: Sounds so high
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school.
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>> EDGAR: Then what do you call
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each other? Your honey?
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Your boo?
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Your companion?
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>> JIMMY: What are we, gay
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lovers from the '80s?
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>> GRETCHEN: We're not calling
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each other anything.
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We just made a verbal agreement
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not to sleep with other people.
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For now.
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>> JIMMY: In a week, we could
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remember that monogamy is a
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social construct free of
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biological necessity.
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>> GRETCHEN: Or we could be
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invited to a really fun sex
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party.
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Oh...
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Remember group sex, Jimmy?
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Jimmy?
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Remember group sex?
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Jimmy?
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>> JIMMY: Actually, I've
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never...
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>> GRETCHEN: What?!
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Not even a standard threesome?
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>> EDGAR: Oh, Jimmy.
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>> JIMMY: You've had a
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threesome?
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>> EDGAR: I'm an adult male in
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my 30s, so, yeah.
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(Gretchen and Edgar giggle)
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Anyway, uh, Lindsay and I wanted
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to celebrate y'all making it
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official, so I made a dinner
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reservation for four at 8:00.
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Oh, hey, I almost forgot.
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This package came for you.
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>> JIMMY: Hmm.
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(door opens, closes)
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>> EDGAR: That was weird.
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I guess I should go give him one
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of my famous Edgar Quintero pep
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talks.
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Wait.
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Ha!
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That's your job now.
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>> GRETCHEN: What?
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Ew. Why?
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>> EDGAR: Because you're his
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lady.
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Behind every great man there's
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a great woman.
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Or, you know, someone like you.
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Go.
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I think it's time you got to
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know the real Jimmy.
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>> GRETCHEN: Do I have to?
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>> EDGAR: Mm-hmm.
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(Gretchen whimpers)
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>> * I'm gonna leave you anyway
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I'm gonna leave you anyway
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Gonna leave you anyway. *
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>> JIMMY: Yes!
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(clears throat)
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You've sold out of my book.
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Just goes to show that with
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patience and strong word of
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mouth, true literature...
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>> MANAGER: You've been
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remaindered, Jimmy.
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Your books are probably being
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turned into hamster bedding
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right now.
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>> JIMMY: What?!
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Well, that seems premature.
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>> MANAGER: Well, if we suddenly
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get a big rush for it, we can
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always send people to the dollar
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bin at Costco.
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>> JIMMY: Oh, you would buy your
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food in bulk.
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Is that the lesbian from
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Roseanne?
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>> MANAGER: Yeah.
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Unlike you, she wrote a book
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that's selling actual copies.
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>> JIMMY: Oh, of course she did.
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Did they give Darlene a book?
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Let's give Becky Two a book!
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I look forward to your Married
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with Children cast poetry slam.
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>> GRETCHEN: Dana from work
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liked my 'gram of the baby
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sneaker in the gutter.
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>> JIMMY: And her Internet
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approval is meaningful
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because...?
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>> GRETCHEN: I like her and I
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don't have a lot of female
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friends.
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I think women are intimidated by
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me because I have mean cartoon
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eyebrows.
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>> JIMMY: Ah.
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>> GRETCHEN: So, uh...
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What's new?
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Listen, if something is
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bothering you and you want to
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talk about it, I will listen.
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Or if you just want to pretend
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that nothing happened, that's
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totally fine, too.
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>> JIMMY: It was a package from
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my dad.
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Manchester jersey.
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I don't even like sports--
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especially Manchester, the team
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that ruined every Saturday of my
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entire childhood.
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Also, I sent him a copy of my
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book, like, months ago.
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He didn't say anything about it.
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Instead, he sends me Gareth
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Henderson gear.
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>> GRETCHEN: Well, great.
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I'm glad you got that off your
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chest.
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Look!
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Lena Dunham's dog got a haircut.
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>> JIMMY: I mean, does he think
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that after, what, 30-odd years
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on this planet, I'm magically
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going to start sharing his
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interests in...
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>> EDGAR: Uh, still waiting for
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our friends.
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How are you?
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>> LINDSAY: No one ever asks me
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that!
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But since you did, I cheated on
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my husband with a 19-year-old
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named Aiden.
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>> EDGAR: Wow.
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Do you feel guilty?
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>> LINDSAY: Ooh, good question.
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Honestly, I kind of feel like
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two different people right now.
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There's Wife Lindsay who helps
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Paul with gravestone rubbings on
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his genealogy trips.
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And then there's Adulteress
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Lindsay who just wants to sit on
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everyone's face.
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>> EDGAR: Sometimes I feel like
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there's Veteran Edgar and
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Regular Edgar.
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>> LINDSAY: So feeling like this
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is normal?
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>> EDGAR: Maybe.
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Although, I do have a traumatic
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brain injury.
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>> LINDSAY: Me, too!
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>> EDGAR: Huh?
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>> LINDSAY: One time I was at a
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rave, and I stared at a strobe
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light so long I forgot how to
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whistle.
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What'd you do today?
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>> EDGAR: Nothing.
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>> LINDSAY: Oh, my God!
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Me, too!
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>> EDGAR: With Gretchen around,
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I don't have much to do for
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Jimmy anymore.
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I feel this is, like, a new
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chapter in my friendship with
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him.
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Hey, this is nice.
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I can't remember the last time
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Jimmy asked me a question about
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myself.
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>> LINDSAY: I've been trying to
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talk to Gretchen about Aiden for
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days.
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>> EDGAR: We should just ignore
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them tonight until they ask
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about us.
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>> LINDSAY: Ooh, I love that.
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Like an experiment, but without
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the boring science part, like
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milligrams and elements and
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shit.
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>> EDGAR (chuckling): Great!
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>> LINDSAY: They're not showing
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up, are they?
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>> EDGAR: I don't think so, no.
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>> JIMMY: I wrote a novel, and
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still there's no response from
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him.
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He's barely literate, so who
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knows if he could even read it?
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But if he did manage to sound it
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out, it'd just be nice to hear
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that he was proud of me.
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You know?
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Are you listening to me?
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>> GRETCHEN: What?
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Of course.
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I just, I listen better when I
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have something to do with my
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hands.
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>> JIMMY: Okay.
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That bikini top doesn't have
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straps.
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>> GRETCHEN: Oh, good call.
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My eyes always go straight to
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the bush.
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>> GRETCHEN: I know it's, like,
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my "job" to be there for him,
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but at one point, I thought he
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was gonna cry, and I was like,
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"This is it.
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I'm never going to be able to
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have sex with him again."
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I just don't think I'm equipped
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to handle this part of a
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relationship.
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I will sample the Aztec Vanilla.
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>> WALLACE: It's do-it-
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yourself now.
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One sample cup per customer.
245
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So I bet you guys feel pretty...
246
00:07:08,195 --> 00:07:09,463
>> LINDSAY: I know what you mean
247
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about emotions.
248
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Ever since I cheated on Paul,
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I've been feeling hella guilty.
250
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>> WALLACE: You can't reuse the
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sample cups.
252
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>> LINDSAY: Part of me thinks
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I should just tell Paul.
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What do you think?
255
00:07:18,639 --> 00:07:19,673
>> WALLACE: It's like you guys
256
00:07:19,707 --> 00:07:21,274
willfully don't even hear me.
257
00:07:21,308 --> 00:07:22,409
>> LINDSAY: I could just take
258
00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:23,677
this one to the grave.
259
00:07:23,711 --> 00:07:25,813
Like Titanic said, a woman's
260
00:07:25,846 --> 00:07:28,348
heart is an ocean of secrets.
261
00:07:28,381 --> 00:07:30,350
Right?
262
00:07:30,383 --> 00:07:31,685
Hello?
263
00:07:31,719 --> 00:07:33,487
Are you even listening to me?
264
00:07:33,521 --> 00:07:34,522
>> GRETCHEN: Yes, totally.
265
00:07:34,555 --> 00:07:35,523
I just listen better when I have
266
00:07:35,556 --> 00:07:36,690
something to do with my mouth.
267
00:07:36,724 --> 00:07:37,625
>> LINDSAY: So, what do you
268
00:07:37,658 --> 00:07:38,692
think I should do?
269
00:07:38,726 --> 00:07:39,627
>> GRETCHEN: Honestly, Linds,
270
00:07:39,660 --> 00:07:40,694
I wasn't gonna say anything, but
271
00:07:40,728 --> 00:07:41,862
I can't take it anymore.
272
00:07:41,895 --> 00:07:43,631
First, you get these new
273
00:07:43,664 --> 00:07:44,832
Berkin-toting Westside friends
274
00:07:44,865 --> 00:07:45,999
with fake teeth and even
275
00:07:46,033 --> 00:07:46,967
faker tits.
276
00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:49,870
And then the minute I get a...
277
00:07:49,903 --> 00:07:51,038
>> LINDSAY: Boyfriend.
278
00:07:51,071 --> 00:07:51,972
>> GRETCHEN: Ugh!
279
00:07:52,005 --> 00:07:52,973
As soon as Jimmy and I
280
00:07:53,006 --> 00:07:54,041
become a thing, you go out
281
00:07:54,074 --> 00:07:55,609
and start taking dicks.
282
00:07:55,643 --> 00:07:57,210
Can you imagine how abandoned
283
00:07:57,244 --> 00:07:58,178
I feel?
284
00:07:58,211 --> 00:07:59,780
>> LINDSAY: I'm sorry, Gretchen.
285
00:07:59,813 --> 00:08:01,649
Wait, why am I apologizing to
286
00:08:01,682 --> 00:08:02,716
you?
287
00:08:02,750 --> 00:08:03,884
You stood me up last night.
288
00:08:03,917 --> 00:08:05,385
>> DANA: Hey, bitch!
289
00:08:05,418 --> 00:08:06,654
>> GRETCHEN: Hi.
290
00:08:06,687 --> 00:08:07,721
>> DANA: Ready to go back to
291
00:08:07,755 --> 00:08:08,656
work?
292
00:08:08,689 --> 00:08:10,190
>> LINDSAY: Um, who is this?
293
00:08:10,223 --> 00:08:11,491
>> GRETCHEN: This is my work
294
00:08:11,525 --> 00:08:12,526
wife, Dana.
295
00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:13,794
>> DANA: Hi.
296
00:08:13,827 --> 00:08:14,962
>> LINDSAY: You're work-married?
297
00:08:14,995 --> 00:08:15,963
>> DANA: Come on, wifey.
298
00:08:15,996 --> 00:08:17,631
There is ice cream cake in the
299
00:08:17,665 --> 00:08:18,532
office kitchen.
300
00:08:18,566 --> 00:08:19,633
>> GRETCHEN: Cake?
301
00:08:19,667 --> 00:08:20,634
Eat a dick, yogurt.
302
00:08:20,668 --> 00:08:21,802
Bye, Linds.
303
00:08:21,835 --> 00:08:24,004
>> DANA: Bye!
304
00:08:25,739 --> 00:08:26,874
>> WALLACE: Ma'am, could you not
305
00:08:26,907 --> 00:08:28,308
do that?
306
00:08:28,341 --> 00:08:29,810
Can you just buy something?
307
00:08:29,843 --> 00:08:30,878
>> LINDSAY: I can't believe they
308
00:08:30,911 --> 00:08:32,546
flaked again.
309
00:08:32,580 --> 00:08:33,547
Why are they treating us
310
00:08:33,581 --> 00:08:35,916
like this?
311
00:08:35,949 --> 00:08:38,318
>> EDGAR: Lindsay, I think we're
312
00:08:38,351 --> 00:08:39,687
sidekicks.
313
00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:41,822
>> LINDSAY: Ew, I am not
314
00:08:41,855 --> 00:08:43,691
a sidekick.
315
00:08:43,724 --> 00:08:45,693
I'm BeyoncГ©, not Kelly Rowland.
316
00:08:45,726 --> 00:08:47,027
If I'm on a motorcycle, I'm
317
00:08:47,060 --> 00:08:48,228
driving the motorcycle, not
318
00:08:48,261 --> 00:08:49,930
riding in that shitty little
319
00:08:49,963 --> 00:08:51,699
side motorcycle thingie for poor
320
00:08:51,732 --> 00:08:53,667
people and dogs.
321
00:08:53,701 --> 00:08:54,768
>> EDGAR: Think about it.
322
00:08:54,802 --> 00:08:55,936
In your relationship with
323
00:08:55,969 --> 00:08:58,005
Gretchen, are you the Mary Tyler
324
00:08:58,038 --> 00:09:00,040
Moore or the Rhoda?
325
00:09:00,073 --> 00:09:01,241
>> LINDSAY: Who are those
326
00:09:01,274 --> 00:09:02,576
people?
327
00:09:02,610 --> 00:09:03,877
They sound ugly.
328
00:09:03,911 --> 00:09:05,245
>> EDGAR: Okay, uh, in Flipping
329
00:09:05,278 --> 00:09:06,446
Out on-on Bravo...
330
00:09:06,479 --> 00:09:07,781
>> LINDSAY: Ooh!
331
00:09:07,815 --> 00:09:08,949
>> EDGAR: ...are you the Jeff
332
00:09:08,982 --> 00:09:11,518
Lewis or the-the Jenni We Don't
333
00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:13,086
Know Her Last Name?
334
00:09:13,120 --> 00:09:14,688
>> LINDSAY: Oh, my God!
335
00:09:14,722 --> 00:09:16,523
I am totally the Jenni We Don't
336
00:09:16,556 --> 00:09:18,291
Know Her Last Name.
337
00:09:18,325 --> 00:09:20,460
Actually, I do-- it's Pulos.
338
00:09:20,493 --> 00:09:22,562
I'm a big fan.
339
00:09:25,966 --> 00:09:27,935
>> GRETCHEN: Yes. Okay.
340
00:09:27,968 --> 00:09:29,803
Oh, I... I'm not gonna tell
341
00:09:29,837 --> 00:09:30,771
him that.
342
00:09:30,804 --> 00:09:31,872
Okay. Bye.
343
00:09:31,905 --> 00:09:33,073
That was Lindsay.
344
00:09:33,106 --> 00:09:34,074
She wants us to get dinner with
345
00:09:34,107 --> 00:09:35,275
them tonight.
346
00:09:35,308 --> 00:09:36,209
Since we flaked last night,
347
00:09:36,243 --> 00:09:37,477
we should probably go.
348
00:09:37,510 --> 00:09:38,378
>> JIMMY: Whatever.
349
00:09:38,411 --> 00:09:40,380
As long as they have booze.
350
00:09:40,413 --> 00:09:42,482
>> GRETCHEN: Aw.
351
00:09:42,515 --> 00:09:45,953
Cheer up, Jimster.
352
00:09:45,986 --> 00:09:47,655
Or you could just really wallow
353
00:09:47,688 --> 00:09:49,657
in it.
354
00:09:49,690 --> 00:09:53,460
We could listen to some...
355
00:09:53,493 --> 00:09:55,162
The Smiths.
356
00:09:55,195 --> 00:09:57,530
They're sad and English, too.
357
00:10:00,133 --> 00:10:03,303
Or I could read you a little,
358
00:10:03,336 --> 00:10:06,774
uh, Jude the Obscure.
359
00:10:06,807 --> 00:10:08,175
(British accent): I hope our
360
00:10:08,208 --> 00:10:10,978
kids don't hang themselves
361
00:10:11,011 --> 00:10:13,380
because we're poor.
362
00:10:16,149 --> 00:10:18,185
I know what will cheer you up!
363
00:10:18,218 --> 00:10:21,188
We can do it backwards while
364
00:10:21,221 --> 00:10:23,757
you watch foot fetish anime.
365
00:10:23,791 --> 00:10:26,459
>> JIMMY: Pass.
366
00:10:26,493 --> 00:10:28,528
(Gretchen sighs)
367
00:10:30,297 --> 00:10:31,198
>> GRETCHEN: Well, I got to go
368
00:10:31,231 --> 00:10:32,132
to happy hour with Dana.
369
00:10:32,165 --> 00:10:33,200
If you think you're gonna kill
370
00:10:33,233 --> 00:10:34,034
yourself, remember there is a
371
00:10:34,067 --> 00:10:35,102
hotline for that or, you know,
372
00:10:35,135 --> 00:10:37,705
just text me.
373
00:10:46,246 --> 00:10:48,481
(door opens, closes)
374
00:11:01,829 --> 00:11:02,730
>> SANDRA BERNHARD: "When I was
375
00:11:02,763 --> 00:11:04,031
little, I never fantasized about
376
00:11:04,064 --> 00:11:05,833
having a baby of my own, unless
377
00:11:05,866 --> 00:11:07,467
we were playing war.
378
00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:08,969
I might grab someone else's
379
00:11:09,002 --> 00:11:10,337
child and run with them through
380
00:11:10,370 --> 00:11:11,905
the forest and hide them in a
381
00:11:11,939 --> 00:11:14,241
bramble.
382
00:11:14,274 --> 00:11:16,243
I wasn't like other girls, the
383
00:11:16,276 --> 00:11:18,078
ones who know from the start
384
00:11:18,111 --> 00:11:20,848
that they will be mothers,
385
00:11:20,881 --> 00:11:23,516
daydreaming about wedding days
386
00:11:23,550 --> 00:11:25,352
and lacy veils.
387
00:11:25,385 --> 00:11:26,920
They knew Daddy would walk them
388
00:11:26,954 --> 00:11:29,489
down the aisle, give them away.
389
00:11:29,522 --> 00:11:32,726
For me, it was not so, an
390
00:11:32,760 --> 00:11:35,362
observer...
391
00:11:35,395 --> 00:11:37,564
not a participant."
392
00:11:39,632 --> 00:11:42,335
(applause)
393
00:11:42,369 --> 00:11:43,536
>> DANA: Oh, girl, he is super
394
00:11:43,570 --> 00:11:44,337
hot.
395
00:11:44,371 --> 00:11:45,505
>> GRETCHEN: Really?
396
00:11:45,538 --> 00:11:46,774
Sometimes I think he looks like
397
00:11:46,807 --> 00:11:48,108
he's straight out of a Swedish
398
00:11:48,141 --> 00:11:49,109
vampire movie.
399
00:11:49,142 --> 00:11:50,377
>> DANA: No, he's a piece of
400
00:11:50,410 --> 00:11:51,278
sex.
401
00:11:51,311 --> 00:11:52,913
No surprise, though-- 'cause
402
00:11:52,946 --> 00:11:54,214
you're gorgeous.
403
00:11:54,247 --> 00:11:55,215
>> GRETCHEN: Aw, thanks.
404
00:11:55,248 --> 00:11:56,349
>> DANA: So, tell me about the
405
00:11:56,383 --> 00:11:57,350
boyfriend-- what's his deal?
406
00:11:57,384 --> 00:11:58,351
>> GRETCHEN: We don't really use
407
00:11:58,385 --> 00:12:00,120
that term, but, uh, he's a
408
00:12:00,153 --> 00:12:01,789
writer, he's British...
409
00:12:01,822 --> 00:12:02,890
he's usually very funny, but
410
00:12:02,923 --> 00:12:03,891
he's been super depressed
411
00:12:03,924 --> 00:12:04,792
lately.
412
00:12:04,825 --> 00:12:06,093
>> DANA: Every dude I've dated
413
00:12:06,126 --> 00:12:07,227
cannot handle being sad for,
414
00:12:07,260 --> 00:12:08,128
like, a second.
415
00:12:08,161 --> 00:12:09,797
Can you imagine not being able
416
00:12:09,830 --> 00:12:11,464
to fully experience your
417
00:12:11,498 --> 00:12:12,800
emotions?
418
00:12:12,833 --> 00:12:14,301
>> GRETCHEN: No.
419
00:12:14,334 --> 00:12:15,435
Well, we have a dinner later; I
420
00:12:15,468 --> 00:12:16,804
have to see if I can get him to
421
00:12:16,837 --> 00:12:17,437
rally.
422
00:12:17,470 --> 00:12:18,371
>> DANA: I should head out,
423
00:12:18,405 --> 00:12:19,572
too. I'll give you a ride.
424
00:12:19,606 --> 00:12:21,641
>> GRETCHEN: Okay.
425
00:12:23,476 --> 00:12:26,313
>> SANDRA: Thank you.
426
00:12:26,346 --> 00:12:27,781
>> JIMMY: I came here tonight to
427
00:12:27,815 --> 00:12:28,816
heckle you.
428
00:12:28,849 --> 00:12:30,784
And it would have been scathing.
429
00:12:30,818 --> 00:12:32,319
But I decided against it based
430
00:12:32,352 --> 00:12:34,087
on the strength of your work.
431
00:12:34,121 --> 00:12:35,255
And I wanted to share that
432
00:12:35,288 --> 00:12:36,790
compliment.
433
00:12:36,824 --> 00:12:38,658
And also have you sign this,
434
00:12:38,691 --> 00:12:39,893
please?
435
00:12:39,927 --> 00:12:40,828
>> SANDRA: What were your
436
00:12:40,861 --> 00:12:42,229
heckles?
437
00:12:42,262 --> 00:12:43,797
>> JIMMY: Oh, uh...
438
00:12:43,831 --> 00:12:45,565
All right. (chuckles)
439
00:12:45,598 --> 00:12:47,167
"Look! There's the second worst
440
00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:48,936
thing about the '80s--
441
00:12:48,969 --> 00:12:50,804
after Reagan's trickle-down
442
00:12:50,838 --> 00:12:51,939
economics, which immediately
443
00:12:51,972 --> 00:12:53,606
caused a 10.8% rise in
444
00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:55,943
unemployment and an explosion in
445
00:12:55,976 --> 00:12:58,145
income inequality."
446
00:12:58,178 --> 00:12:59,146
Just stuff like that.
447
00:12:59,179 --> 00:13:00,680
>> SANDRA: Who do you want this
448
00:13:00,713 --> 00:13:01,815
made out to?
449
00:13:01,849 --> 00:13:03,150
>> JIMMY: Oh, um...
450
00:13:03,183 --> 00:13:06,353
"To Ronny Overly, a father whose
451
00:13:06,386 --> 00:13:07,620
sole connection to his son is
452
00:13:07,654 --> 00:13:08,822
that he never connected with his
453
00:13:08,856 --> 00:13:09,823
father..."
454
00:13:09,857 --> 00:13:11,158
>> SANDRA: "Yo, Ron.
455
00:13:11,191 --> 00:13:12,759
So glad I have a big fan in
456
00:13:12,792 --> 00:13:13,693
the UK.
457
00:13:13,726 --> 00:13:15,695
Love, Sandra."
458
00:13:15,728 --> 00:13:17,831
>> JIMMY: Thank you.
459
00:13:17,865 --> 00:13:20,300
I'm actually an author myself.
460
00:13:20,333 --> 00:13:21,501
Congratulations, You're Dying.
461
00:13:21,534 --> 00:13:22,635
Perhaps you've heard of it?
462
00:13:22,669 --> 00:13:23,971
>> SANDRA: They carry it here?
463
00:13:24,004 --> 00:13:26,940
>> JIMMY: Bookstore manager?
464
00:13:26,974 --> 00:13:28,842
Sandra Bernhard here is
465
00:13:28,876 --> 00:13:30,610
interested in purchasing my
466
00:13:30,643 --> 00:13:31,444
book.
467
00:13:31,478 --> 00:13:32,946
>> MANAGER: I'm sorry.
468
00:13:32,980 --> 00:13:34,547
As Jimmy knows, he's been
469
00:13:34,581 --> 00:13:35,849
remaindered.
470
00:13:35,883 --> 00:13:36,984
>> SANDRA: That's such a waste
471
00:13:37,017 --> 00:13:37,484
of money.
472
00:13:37,517 --> 00:13:38,651
>> JIMMY: Thank you!
473
00:13:38,685 --> 00:13:39,519
It's a travesty.
474
00:13:39,552 --> 00:13:40,720
>> SANDRA: You know what they
475
00:13:40,753 --> 00:13:41,721
should have done?
476
00:13:41,754 --> 00:13:42,422
>> JIMMY: Yeah?
477
00:13:42,455 --> 00:13:43,223
>> SANDRA: They should've taken
478
00:13:43,256 --> 00:13:44,391
all the books they printed and
479
00:13:44,424 --> 00:13:46,659
thrown them directly into a hobo
480
00:13:46,693 --> 00:13:47,460
trash can fire.
481
00:13:47,494 --> 00:13:48,862
It would have saved a lot on
482
00:13:48,896 --> 00:13:49,562
shipping costs.
483
00:13:49,596 --> 00:13:51,498
>> JIMMY: You're an asshole...
484
00:13:51,531 --> 00:13:52,866
Man-dra Butt... Buttfart.
485
00:13:52,900 --> 00:13:53,901
>> SANDRA: Wow. Is that one of
486
00:13:53,934 --> 00:13:56,203
your previously written heckles,
487
00:13:56,236 --> 00:13:58,405
or was that just off the cuff?
488
00:13:58,438 --> 00:13:59,639
>> JIMMY: Tooth gap!
489
00:13:59,672 --> 00:14:00,740
Some-Something about your tooth
490
00:14:00,773 --> 00:14:01,541
gap.
491
00:14:01,574 --> 00:14:02,809
>> MANAGER: Enough, Jimmy.
492
00:14:02,842 --> 00:14:03,977
Philippe!
493
00:14:04,011 --> 00:14:05,078
>> JIMMY: What the...?!
494
00:14:05,112 --> 00:14:06,146
Don't you touch me, Philippe!
495
00:14:06,179 --> 00:14:08,015
I'm going.
496
00:14:08,048 --> 00:14:10,017
>> MANAGER: I am so sorry.
497
00:14:10,050 --> 00:14:11,151
>> GRETCHEN: Yeah, it's really
498
00:14:11,184 --> 00:14:12,886
pretty, huh?
499
00:14:12,920 --> 00:14:14,421
>> DANA: Mm. I love that.
500
00:14:14,454 --> 00:14:15,588
>> GRETCHEN: I'm in it for the
501
00:14:15,622 --> 00:14:17,424
money, just...
502
00:14:17,457 --> 00:14:19,692
(indistinct conversation)
503
00:14:21,028 --> 00:14:22,095
>> DANA: Is that Nancy from
504
00:14:22,129 --> 00:14:23,096
Roseanne?
505
00:14:23,130 --> 00:14:24,031
(Dana and Gretchen laugh)
506
00:14:24,064 --> 00:14:25,098
>> JIMMY: Don't want to talk
507
00:14:25,132 --> 00:14:26,033
about it.
508
00:14:26,066 --> 00:14:27,935
>> GRETCHEN: Jimmy, this is Dana
509
00:14:27,968 --> 00:14:30,070
from work.
510
00:14:30,103 --> 00:14:31,604
>> DANA: Hi.
511
00:14:31,638 --> 00:14:34,441
I've heard... so much about you.
512
00:14:34,474 --> 00:14:36,043
You weren't lying.
513
00:14:36,076 --> 00:14:37,177
He is like a sexy Swedish
514
00:14:37,210 --> 00:14:38,178
vampire.
515
00:14:38,211 --> 00:14:39,279
>> JIMMY: Sorry, ladies.
516
00:14:39,312 --> 00:14:41,748
I'm-I'm... I'm going to bed.
517
00:14:46,954 --> 00:14:49,456
>> GRETCHEN: This sucks.
518
00:14:49,489 --> 00:14:50,790
I need to snap him out of it
519
00:14:50,823 --> 00:14:52,025
somehow.
520
00:14:52,059 --> 00:14:53,060
>> DANA: Just bang the shit out
521
00:14:53,093 --> 00:14:54,194
of him, dummy.
522
00:14:54,227 --> 00:14:55,395
>> GRETCHEN: I tried!
523
00:14:55,428 --> 00:14:56,696
I'm sorry, Dana.
524
00:14:56,729 --> 00:14:57,965
This is not how you should be
525
00:14:57,998 --> 00:14:59,199
spending your night.
526
00:14:59,232 --> 00:15:00,400
You are way too fun and
527
00:15:00,433 --> 00:15:03,036
beautiful and spontaneous.
528
00:15:03,070 --> 00:15:04,204
You should just go.
529
00:15:04,237 --> 00:15:06,073
>> DANA: Do you want me to stay?
530
00:15:06,106 --> 00:15:07,941
>> GRETCHEN: Well, maybe we
531
00:15:07,975 --> 00:15:09,609
could go down there and...
532
00:15:09,642 --> 00:15:10,944
Oh, my God, I just had the
533
00:15:10,978 --> 00:15:12,079
craziest idea.
534
00:15:12,112 --> 00:15:13,280
>> DANA: What?
535
00:15:13,313 --> 00:15:14,647
You can just ask me to have a
536
00:15:14,681 --> 00:15:15,882
threesome.
537
00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:16,883
>> GRETCHEN: What?!
538
00:15:16,916 --> 00:15:17,817
(laughing): What?
539
00:15:17,850 --> 00:15:19,219
That is bananas.
540
00:15:19,252 --> 00:15:20,988
What are you even talking about?
541
00:15:21,021 --> 00:15:22,956
Can you imagine?
542
00:15:22,990 --> 00:15:24,091
Are you serious?
543
00:15:24,124 --> 00:15:25,993
>> DANA: Sure.
544
00:15:26,026 --> 00:15:27,660
>> GRETCHEN: Okay.
545
00:15:27,694 --> 00:15:28,495
>> DANA: Okay.
546
00:15:28,528 --> 00:15:29,562
>> GRETCHEN: Okay!
547
00:15:29,596 --> 00:15:30,497
(Gretchen laughs)
548
00:15:30,530 --> 00:15:31,564
Oh, this is awesome.
549
00:15:31,598 --> 00:15:32,765
This is guaranteed to cheer him
550
00:15:32,799 --> 00:15:33,633
up.
551
00:15:33,666 --> 00:15:35,068
He has never had a threesome
552
00:15:35,102 --> 00:15:36,169
before.
553
00:15:36,203 --> 00:15:37,104
>> DANA: Did he never go to
554
00:15:37,137 --> 00:15:38,171
middle school?
555
00:15:38,205 --> 00:15:40,440
>> GRETCHEN: Right?
556
00:15:50,383 --> 00:15:52,952
>> GRETCHEN: Jimmy.
557
00:15:52,986 --> 00:15:54,254
How you doing, buddy?
558
00:15:54,287 --> 00:15:57,857
We just wanted to make sure that
559
00:15:57,890 --> 00:15:59,259
you are doing okay.
560
00:15:59,292 --> 00:16:00,327
>> JIMMY: I'm fine, yeah.
561
00:16:00,360 --> 00:16:02,495
>> DANA: Well, we just wanted to
562
00:16:02,529 --> 00:16:04,197
make sure that you were extra
563
00:16:04,231 --> 00:16:06,166
fine.
564
00:16:17,177 --> 00:16:20,180
(slow, sultry music playing)
565
00:16:49,676 --> 00:16:52,679
*
566
00:17:07,927 --> 00:17:08,695
>> JIMMY: Uh...
567
00:17:08,728 --> 00:17:09,496
>> GRETCHEN: Is that... ?
568
00:17:09,529 --> 00:17:10,563
You came already?!
569
00:17:10,597 --> 00:17:11,531
>> DANA: Ugh.
570
00:17:11,564 --> 00:17:12,232
>> JIMMY: Uh...
571
00:17:12,265 --> 00:17:13,233
>> DANA: I guess this show got
572
00:17:13,266 --> 00:17:14,334
a little bit too sexy for you.
573
00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:15,435
>> GRETCHEN: What?
574
00:17:15,468 --> 00:17:16,403
It's his first time.
575
00:17:16,436 --> 00:17:17,237
Maybe he got a little
576
00:17:17,270 --> 00:17:19,339
overexcited.
577
00:17:19,372 --> 00:17:20,740
>> JIMMY: No, I didn't.
578
00:17:20,773 --> 00:17:23,443
In fact, the joke's on you.
579
00:17:23,476 --> 00:17:25,178
This is from a couple of minutes
580
00:17:25,212 --> 00:17:26,179
ago before you guys even came
581
00:17:26,213 --> 00:17:28,081
down.
582
00:17:28,115 --> 00:17:29,282
>> DANA: Oh, my God.
583
00:17:29,316 --> 00:17:30,450
>> GRETCHEN: Hold on.
584
00:17:30,483 --> 00:17:31,684
So, you masturbated to
585
00:17:31,718 --> 00:17:33,620
completion in the literally one
586
00:17:33,653 --> 00:17:35,122
minute from the time you left
587
00:17:35,155 --> 00:17:36,423
upstairs to this moment?
588
00:17:36,456 --> 00:17:37,557
>> JIMMY: I started at the top
589
00:17:37,590 --> 00:17:38,758
of the stairs.
590
00:17:38,791 --> 00:17:39,892
What? I couldn't help it.
591
00:17:39,926 --> 00:17:42,129
You're both so beautiful, and I
592
00:17:42,162 --> 00:17:43,863
started thinking about how you
593
00:17:43,896 --> 00:17:45,465
guys must have hugged earlier
594
00:17:45,498 --> 00:17:47,800
tonight, and when you did, did
595
00:17:47,834 --> 00:17:49,236
your... did your boobies get
596
00:17:49,269 --> 00:17:50,470
all, like, "squozen" together?
597
00:17:50,503 --> 00:17:51,538
>> DANA: And then you just laid
598
00:17:51,571 --> 00:17:52,739
there in it?
599
00:17:52,772 --> 00:17:55,208
>> JIMMY: Shut up... Dana!
600
00:17:55,242 --> 00:17:57,477
I was enjoying the afterglow!
601
00:17:57,510 --> 00:17:58,645
I didn't think you'd actually
602
00:17:58,678 --> 00:17:59,979
come down here, you giant
603
00:18:00,012 --> 00:18:00,813
weirdo.
604
00:18:00,847 --> 00:18:02,149
>> DANA: You masturbated while
605
00:18:02,182 --> 00:18:03,416
walking down the stairs carrying
606
00:18:03,450 --> 00:18:04,551
a giant Sandra Bernhard standee,
607
00:18:04,584 --> 00:18:05,952
and I'm the weirdo?!
608
00:18:05,985 --> 00:18:06,886
>> JIMMY: What?
609
00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:08,221
>> DANA: Yeah, I got to go.
610
00:18:08,255 --> 00:18:09,122
>> JIMMY: Oh, no. Wait!
611
00:18:09,156 --> 00:18:11,158
>> GRETCHEN: No. Wait!
612
00:18:12,959 --> 00:18:14,427
Well, now I get why you've never
613
00:18:14,461 --> 00:18:15,828
had a threesome.
614
00:18:15,862 --> 00:18:16,963
Dumb-ass.
615
00:18:16,996 --> 00:18:18,965
Dana?
616
00:18:22,269 --> 00:18:23,270
>> LINDSAY: I'm sure they'll be
617
00:18:23,303 --> 00:18:25,305
here any minute.
618
00:18:34,781 --> 00:18:35,748
>> JIMMY: What's the matter?
619
00:18:35,782 --> 00:18:36,749
>> GRETCHEN: I can't believe I
620
00:18:36,783 --> 00:18:37,950
finally made a new friend, and I
621
00:18:37,984 --> 00:18:39,486
tried to bang her the first time
622
00:18:39,519 --> 00:18:40,687
we hung out.
623
00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:42,455
I suck at girls, Jimmy.
624
00:18:42,489 --> 00:18:43,790
All the way back to the fourth
625
00:18:43,823 --> 00:18:45,858
grade when everyone was mean to
626
00:18:45,892 --> 00:18:47,260
me because I was the first
627
00:18:47,294 --> 00:18:49,529
person to grow boobs.
628
00:18:49,562 --> 00:18:51,164
Whatever, Jessica Olsen.
629
00:18:51,198 --> 00:18:53,866
You're still flat as shit.
630
00:18:53,900 --> 00:18:56,436
I guess I'm still that sad
631
00:18:56,469 --> 00:18:57,604
little ten-year-old girl
632
00:18:57,637 --> 00:18:59,806
sometimes, wishing someone would
633
00:18:59,839 --> 00:19:00,873
sit next to me on the side...
634
00:19:00,907 --> 00:19:02,275
>> JIMMY: Oh, my God, will you
635
00:19:02,309 --> 00:19:03,476
stop?
636
00:19:03,510 --> 00:19:04,611
>> GRETCHEN: What?
637
00:19:04,644 --> 00:19:05,812
>> JIMMY: No offense, but you're
638
00:19:05,845 --> 00:19:08,114
kind of making my skin crawl.
639
00:19:08,147 --> 00:19:09,782
>> GRETCHEN: (scoffs) Wow.
640
00:19:09,816 --> 00:19:10,783
Sorry.
641
00:19:10,817 --> 00:19:11,784
>> JIMMY: I'm not comfortable
642
00:19:11,818 --> 00:19:13,186
with... feelings.
643
00:19:13,220 --> 00:19:14,454
>> GRETCHEN: I listened to you
644
00:19:14,487 --> 00:19:15,988
blathering on about "Ooh, me
645
00:19:16,022 --> 00:19:17,724
Da."
646
00:19:17,757 --> 00:19:19,192
>> JIMMY: (laughs) That's Irish,
647
00:19:19,226 --> 00:19:20,327
dumb-dumb.
648
00:19:20,360 --> 00:19:21,794
And you didn't listen.
649
00:19:21,828 --> 00:19:23,530
You played Photo Hunt.
650
00:19:23,563 --> 00:19:24,897
And quite poorly, for the
651
00:19:24,931 --> 00:19:25,898
record.
652
00:19:25,932 --> 00:19:27,667
I don't know why I started
653
00:19:27,700 --> 00:19:29,702
unloading on you like that.
654
00:19:29,736 --> 00:19:33,340
I don't do... feelings.
655
00:19:33,373 --> 00:19:34,674
>> GRETCHEN: What the hell is
656
00:19:34,707 --> 00:19:36,743
wrong with us?
657
00:19:36,776 --> 00:19:38,745
>> JIMMY: Nothing.
658
00:19:38,778 --> 00:19:41,581
We should celebrate.
659
00:19:41,614 --> 00:19:43,516
We found someone who is equally
660
00:19:43,550 --> 00:19:44,651
dead inside.
661
00:19:44,684 --> 00:19:45,885
>> GRETCHEN: Let's make a pact
662
00:19:45,918 --> 00:19:47,254
never to feel anything around
663
00:19:47,287 --> 00:19:48,588
each other ever again.
664
00:19:48,621 --> 00:19:49,722
Deal?
665
00:19:49,756 --> 00:19:51,224
>> JIMMY: Deal.
666
00:19:51,258 --> 00:19:52,325
>> GRETCHEN: I can't believe
667
00:19:52,359 --> 00:19:53,493
you've been my boyfriend for,
668
00:19:53,526 --> 00:19:54,761
like, three days, and we already
669
00:19:54,794 --> 00:19:57,063
had to bring in a third party.
670
00:19:57,096 --> 00:19:58,197
What?
671
00:19:58,231 --> 00:19:59,266
>> JIMMY: You just said
672
00:19:59,299 --> 00:20:00,533
"boyfriend."
673
00:20:00,567 --> 00:20:01,668
>> GRETCHEN: Oh, whatever.
674
00:20:01,701 --> 00:20:03,570
It's... it's economical, okay?
675
00:20:03,603 --> 00:20:04,704
>> JIMMY: Sure.
676
00:20:04,737 --> 00:20:05,705
God, you have issues.
677
00:20:05,738 --> 00:20:06,906
>> GRETCHEN: You are the one who
678
00:20:06,939 --> 00:20:10,710
cried over a soccer jersey.
679
00:20:18,585 --> 00:20:20,287
Ooh.
680
00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:23,790
Actually... that is kind of hot.
681
00:20:23,823 --> 00:20:25,758
You look like a soccer hooligan.
682
00:20:25,792 --> 00:20:26,759
>> JIMMY: Yeah?
683
00:20:26,793 --> 00:20:27,694
>> GRETCHEN: I always had a
684
00:20:27,727 --> 00:20:29,128
thing for jocks, you know?
685
00:20:29,161 --> 00:20:30,730
>> JIMMY: Mmm...
686
00:20:30,763 --> 00:20:33,032
Hey, uh, we can pop inside and
687
00:20:33,065 --> 00:20:34,767
do it quick before we head to
688
00:20:34,801 --> 00:20:36,269
the diner, right?
689
00:20:36,303 --> 00:20:37,270
>> GRETCHEN: Oh, yeah.
690
00:20:37,304 --> 00:20:39,071
Oh, 15 minutes, tops. (laughs)
691
00:20:39,105 --> 00:20:39,806
Captioned by
692
00:20:39,839 --> 00:20:40,807
Media Access Group at WGBH
693
00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:42,875
access.wgbh.org
694
00:20:42,909 --> 00:20:43,876
>> * Two Words!
695
00:20:43,910 --> 00:20:45,144
Rock, chalk, shot a jayhawk
696
00:20:45,177 --> 00:20:45,945
Never been to jail
697
00:20:45,978 --> 00:20:47,447
* 'Cause I never get caught
698
00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:48,648
I got smarts
699
00:20:48,681 --> 00:20:49,816
Dark, dangerous dog
700
00:20:49,849 --> 00:20:51,551
* ODB got it
701
00:20:51,584 --> 00:20:52,752
Right from the start
702
00:20:52,785 --> 00:20:53,886
You got one and you changed
703
00:20:53,920 --> 00:20:54,954
* From crazy to calm
704
00:20:54,987 --> 00:20:56,556
I've been awake for days
705
00:20:56,589 --> 00:20:57,757
In the dusk and the dawn
706
00:20:57,790 --> 00:20:58,825
* And you're loving me
707
00:20:58,858 --> 00:21:00,059
Whether you want to or not
708
00:21:00,092 --> 00:21:01,494
Well, I want you for sure
709
00:21:01,528 --> 00:21:04,997
* I am loving you more
710
00:21:07,367 --> 00:21:10,002
I am loving you more... *
44141
