All language subtitles for You.Me.Her.S01E09.Sweet.Home.Colorado.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP.5.1.H.264-CHDWEB_track3_[eng]

Previously on "You Me Her"...

I don't know what you think
you heard --

You mean the part about Izzy
not being your niece

or the part about you guys
paying her to have pervy

three-way sex with you?
-Wh-What? No.

We got some negotiating
to do, don't we?

Aaaaaaaaah!

Weinstock
is retiring as dean,

and he's recommending me
as his replacement?

It won't be official until
the alumni board approves it.

-The alumni board?
-Sor-- Sorry?

Lori has just accepted
a seat

on the prestigious
Hamilton School Alumni Board.

Izzy really digs you guys.

What?
She likes us?

-She say that to you, or --
-Shitheads, focus.

We're gonna do something
other than sex.

We're gonna
hang out together.

Emma: Maybe this is doable,
the road less traveled,

the relationship
more populated.

Why does it
have to be scary?

This is you inviting me
to move in?

Jack:
I'm actually confused.

Did you think
this was permanent?

You don't deserve me.

It's okay.

This doesn't change anything,
Trakarskys.

Our arrangement continues,
even if that one's over.

Honey, just let it go.

I'll scream.

You know, I'll --
I'll tell my mom.

Oh, I dare you.

No,
I double fuckin' dare you.

Go back inside
and tell Mommy right now.

But know this,
and know it real good.

You are gonna have two adults
right across the street from you

spending every waking moment
plotting your hideous ruination,

and those adults know dozens
and dozens of other adults,

many in the fields
of higher education

and law enforcement.
And here's the cherry

on the top of your shit sundae,
little girl.

A lot of them would leap
at the chance

to take down a smug,
over-entitled Ava.

That's right. Your name will
become the darkest of insults.

"Oh, my God.
She is, like, such an Ava."

And while I've never
played the game myself,

I hear soccer is so much easier
to play with two healthy legs.

So you can narc us out,
or you can sleep, little girl.

But I wouldn't recommend both.

Do you know what I mean?

-Yes?
-Y-Yes.

-Okay.
-Yes, ma'am.

I'm glad
we understand each other,

and don't call me ma'am,
you little shit.

Let's go
make a goddamn baby.

Go to bed, little girl.

Okay.

Shit.

♪♪

[ Dog barking in distance ]

Jack: I'm sorry, honey.

I mean, I was totally
feeling it,

and then I just wasn't.

Emma:
It was a dumb idea.

Izzy peeled out of our lives
like 10 minutes ago.

Was it a mistake?

What? The whole thing,
or breaking up with Izzy?

Either way, I don't know.

I mean,
maybe it was inevitable.

You know,
maybe it never could've worked.

It's not what people do.

Is that a reason
to not do something,

just because
other people don't?

Honestly, yeah,
I think maybe it is.

Yeah.

"Home Seekers."

Oh, my God.
That sounds so good right now.

Doesn't it?

[ Indistinct talking on TV ]

Izzy: Fucking idiot!

Here we go again.

Oh, you look troubled, Iz.

I, uh --

I smoked everything
in the house.

So 10 minutes earlier,

you would've caught me
apple-bonging chamomile

and a dead house plant.

So it's over this time?

Like, for real?

Yeah.

Do you want to
tell me about it?

[ Voice breaking ]
Do I really have to?

No. The whole affair
was a sprawling field of peril.

Doesn't really matter
what IED you stepped on.

So are you sad?

Humiliated?

Angry?

Exhausted?

Humiliated, mostly.

I had an epiphany

while I was standing there
in my pajamas

in the middle of suburbia

surrounded by normal families
living normal lives.

They didn't feel the way
that I felt.

They were bored, and I was just
something different.

[ Sighs ]

I almost got married
when I was 18.

No way.

TresAppalachian, eh?

Yeah. I was so in love

that I couldn't eat
or sleep or breathe.

It just, like, sat
right on my chest, you know?

Yeah, we even found this cute
little hippie church in Sonoma.

What happened?

Well, the exact date

that we were gonna escape

into our three-dimensional
YA trilogy...

[ Laughs ]

...he told me
that he should probably go

to this
Brown University place.

Lame.

My bags were packed
when he told me.

Yeah.

Yeah, I think back,

and I realized
that he was just,

like, too hot, you know?

Truth.

You can't trust men
with that much power.

Mmh-mnh.

No.

And when I want to,
for whatever sick reason,

I can still feel
what I felt then,

just like I'm dead inside,

you know?

So, um, Lee put an entire
continent between us,

and I went full-on
"Yellow Wallpaper."

I drove across the country

like that batshit
astronaut chick,

minus the diapers
'cause that's sick.

[ Both laugh ]

But when he looked at me,

he just felt pity,

not love or the slightest bit
of uncertainty --

just pity.

I knew, in 10 years,

that he would tell the story
and get my name wrong.

[ Chuckles ]

I, um...

I got back in my car,
and I just drove.

I never wanted
to tell you that.

But it's part of who I am,
and I -- I knew that --

I knew that you could never
really know me

if I didn't tell you.

I'm really glad you did.

Me too, surprisingly.
[ Chuckles ]

So what's the moral?

The moral is,
it gets better.

It hurt a little less
by the time I got home,

and a lot less

after I fucked Trey Larker
into a coma.

[ Both laugh ]

Let me guess --
Lee's friend?

Best friend.

So, what,
I'm just supposed to

fuck all the Trakarskys'
neighbors?

God, no, Izzy.

You're hopeless.

Just the ones they like.

[ Laughs ]

You're awful.

[ Sighs ]

♪♪

[ Thunder rumbles ]

[ Gasps ]

Oh.

Ohh.

Did you know I was
all-league in softball?

-No.
-Uh-huh.

[ Whimpers ]

Okay.

That was a lie.

I'm just a small-boned woman
standing in your bedroom

in the middle of the night
with a baseball bat.

Lori found out.

No, I -- I didn't tell.
I swear.

Maybe, maybe not.

But I refuse to be
the kind of woman

who doesn't follow through
on her psychotic threats.

This might take a few tries.

No! No!

-Ava.
-Oh, my God.

God.
You're all sweaty.

Ew.
You -- You weren't just --

No, Mom.
What do you --

What do you want?
-Well, call me crazy...

You're
whatever's aftercrazy.

...but this whole "niece
that fell from the sky" issue

continues to bother me.

Do you ever wonder
if you're blinded

by unhealthy vindictiveness

for all the times
the cool kids left you out?

Hmm?

That you're overstepping
the call of duty,

and maybe it's time
you just let it go?

Um...

okay.

That was both impressive
and emotionally eviscerating.

Quite the wake-up call.

And I promise to turn
my scrutiny inwards.

Right after you find
Jacqueline Isabelle's last name

and any social-networking site
or something

that proves her
and Jack's big sister

could pick each other
out of a line-up,

let alone share DNA.

Okay?

So you're pressing snooze
on my wake-up call?

Just do it for me,
please,

for the woman who willed
your abnormally large head

out of her vagina.

-God, gross.
-And it'll all be over,

and I will make nice
with the neighbors.

[ Indistinct talking on TV ]

Mm.

[ TV switches off ]

What if the world deems us
unworthy of procreating?

What then?

What?

Where's this coming from?

Then we'll find
another program

or -- or we'll adopt,
or both.

Okay.

Yeah, and then -- I mean,
and long after our children

find us
either too embarrassing

or too irritating
to hang out with anymore,

and long after Izzy has moved on
with another guy

and another family,

this story will still be
about you and me,

Em, okay?

Always was,
always will be.

-That's still a great line.
-It's good, right?

Yeah.
That is a very good line.

And we're back.

[ Knocking on door ]

-Did you hear that?
-I didn't hear anything.

Me neither.

[ Knocking continues ]

Do you think it might be
Izzy, or...

[ Knocking continues ]
Okay.

Move. We got to talk.

Having trouble sleeping?

No, no, having trouble
with Lori.

It's past midnight.
What -- What troubles?

Lori has assigned me
to use the interwebs

to find out whether Izzy
is or isn't your niece.

-Shit.
-She knows I can do it.

I can do it.

Okay.
So why aren't you?

It's an opportunity
to shut her down permanently.

All we need is to see
Izzy, you, and your sister

together in a picture.

Oh, no.
That's impossible.

That picture doesn't exist.

Which is why you're here.

There you go.

I get it.

First, we catfish a page
under Jacqueline Isabelle,

uh, whatever
your sister's last name is.

-Deering.
-Deering.

Okay.

And Izzy?
-Uh, Silva.

Okay.

I already
started an account.

I just have to lift
some images from Izzy.

Bam. Done.

Jacqueline Isabelle Deering
now exists.

Wow, just --
just like that?

Just like that.

-Wow.
-Weird.

I can't find a home page
for Jack Trakarsky.

-I don't have a page.
-Yeah, me neither.

Never -- Never
really saw the point.

What?

I have some pictures
on my phone I could text you.

Send them to me
right now.

Why are you helping us?

Gee, Emma, I don't know.

Maybe because
you're a homicidal psychopath.

-Yeah, she is.
-No, stop.

And I'd like to sleep
at some point

in the not-too-distant
future.

Text the picture, Jack.
-I'm trying.

I just want to put
this thing behind me.

Ava, I'm sorry.

I hope you know
that I would never --

You never what?

She would never really
want to go back to prison

for hurting people.

She's very dangerous,
this one.

Yep.

Whatever.

[ Sighs ]

Hey, Neen.

Mm-hmm?

I'm gonna go home.

You are home.

No, like, homehome.

As in Colorado.

[ Breathes shakily ]

Yeah, whatever happened
to click, bam?

I'm not exactly
a Photoshop wizard.

Click, bam, bitches.

There you go.
-It's done?

Oh, yeah. It's done.

See, look.

Ah, what do you think?

The bitches
are not impressed.

Really?

Well, I think it works.

Like, there's you.

There's your sister.
And there's Izzy.

And she's standing behind, like,
on a box or something.

Yeah, because people do
that a lot in candid photos.

She's fuckin' enormous.

I mean, do you have no idea
about proportion?

I think it's pretty good,
so...

Oh, my God.

It's a generational thing,
honey.

I see it all the time
at school.

I mean, kids these days,
they take a shit,

and they think it's art.

I mean, we see the picture
as is, as it really is.

She sees something
totally different.

It's like a millennial
ocular ego filter,

a MOEF.

Yeah, but, Jack, that is so bad.
That is so bad.

It looks like
Izzy's the dead sister

who keeps showing up
in family photos.

Do you actually think
this is good?

You think
Lori's gonna buy this?

-Absolutely, yes.
-This is fascinating.

What are we going to do?

This is an emergency,
honey.

We need to
call a professional.

[ Quietly ] I'm awesome.

♪♪

[ Sighs ]

You're really not
gonna help me?

Nope.

You're acting like
a child.

Uh, am I the one
running home to my mom?

[ Scoffs ]

It's the middle
of the semester.

Whatever, like I should ever
counsel other human beings.

And more importantly,
it's Halloween.

You and I were supposed
to be those freaky little twins

from "The Shining,"
except way sluttier.

It doesn't work
as a solo act.

You're wearing pigtails,
Mary Janes,

and a toddler's dress
that shows your cooch.

I think it'll work.

Just come on, Iz.

You can leave tomorrow,
okay?

I'll get you wasted.

We can profess our drunk
sisterly love to one another.

You'll decide to stay,
and then we'll just find you,

like, a perfectly good shrink
right here in Portland.

Do you want this?

No.

I bought a ticket online

for a flight
that leaves tomorrow night,

which is
technically tonight,

and I have to be on it.

Why would you do that?

-Nina.
-Don't.

Oh, my gosh.

Super mature.

Nina, come on, man.

These last six days,

Andy,

a staggering amount
of THC and alcohol,

the Trakarskys,

a fucking "C" on
a lame-ass philosophy midterm.

I mean,
these are all just symptoms

of way bigger shit
that I have to work out.

Nina, will you please
look at me?

No.

Well, you're in a swivel chair,
so...

Stop it.

Get your hands
out of your face.

Unh-unh.

Nina, stop it.

[ Sighs ]

I had sex
with a married couple,

and I fell in love with them
in, like, a matter of days.

And then I went to their house
in my pajamas

with a bag full of drugs
and a karaoke machine.

So?
People do that all the time.

No, they don't.

Yes, they do.

They really don't.

[ Sighs ]

It's fucked up.

Yeah.

I just --

[ Sighs ]

I just need to get back
to the source, you know?

Get things right
with my mom.

Shit,
maybe even with my dad.

Can you understand that?

We have
the whole day together.

And you need to
help me pack

because half of this stuff
is yours, okay?

And then --
and then you can just --

you can pour me
onto the plane

and make your entrance
to the party

fetishitically late.

Okay?

Okay.
So when are you coming back?

Like, after the break,
or Thanksgiving?

Izzy.

Okay, let me rephrase
and speak more slowly.

How long are you staying
in Colorado?

Um...

[ Sighs ]

It's a one-way ticket.

I just -- I need to stay away
for a while.

Away from what?

Jack and Emma.

You want to prove
that girl

is the Trakarskys'
sexual plaything,

publicly ostracize them,

and destroy Jack's career
in retaliation

for keeping us on the outside
of their inner circle.

Sound about right?

It does.
It really does.

You get me.
You always have.

And you don't see
how it's shit just like this

that put us on the outside
in the first place?

[ Scoffs ]

Go wake up Ava,

get her to do
your cyber-sleuthing right now.

Don't take no
for an answer.

You really think
that's okay?

Actually, love of my life,
I think it's fucked up,

just not enough
to lose sleep over.

[ Groans ]

Good night, handsome.

This is like
a waking nightmare.

I know the timing's
a little bit wonky

since it's only been
a few hours

since you reiterated
your self-righteous disapproval.

Okay, if you're gonna keep
making me sound like a dick,

I'm not gonna help you
fix this abomination.

I'm sorry.
There's a lot of judgment

coming out of that mouth hole
these days.

Oh, you're getting a lot
of judgment right now?

It's 3:00 in the morning,
and you woke me out of bed

to fix
your Photoshop mistakes.

I -- I know we've been joking
about it, but it's really

starting to piss me off, okay?
-Oh, is it?

There's a lot of people
I could've called up.

Oh, yeah? You got other
friends that you can call
in this sort of situation?

Well, get the phone book out.
-I --

-You got the phone book?
-Well, there's --

Where's the phone book with all
the people you can call

that can do this?
Call them.

There. You --
you want me to dial for you?

Okay, Jack meant
to say thank you.

Thank you.

I do appreciate it.
I'm sorry.

I do appreciate you
coming over here.

And this is your area
of expertise,

and we just need
to clean up this mess.

Oh, you're thinking
a little Photoshop's

gonna clean up this mess?
You kidding me?

You need an entire
industrial-strength vat

of Purell, just
dump it down the street.

Maybe that'll clean it up.
No offense

if it sounds
like I'm judging you,

but I'm just saying.

This whole thing is a mess.
Talk about a mess.

I'd like to never hear
about this mess ever again.

That'd be nice.

Just like to have everybody
just move on.

And it's the last
I want to hear

about this mess
of yours, all right?

We're moving on.
You included.

Absolutely.
No doubt.

Oh, geez.
It's like I --

I'm seeing it again
for the first time.

-Yeah, that's a problem.
-It's like a runaway Smurf.

-Oh, my God.
-It's like --

And look at the background,
too.

I could've drawn
something better.

Yeah, with just pen --
with ink.

I mean, it looks like
the weirdest memorial ever.

God, this is like a nightmare.
It's like --

it's like an art class
gone wrong.

Like,
the edges are jagged.

No one is ever gonna buy this.
It's --

-Why are they purple?
-I don't know.

It looks like
Satan's Christmas card.

Ha-ha.
Very funny.

You assholes.

If you would have just been
a little nicer to my mother,

we wouldn't even
be here right now.

You are the Avas
of this neighborhood.

Yeah.

We love your mother,
by the way.

-We love your mom.
-We're sorry.

We didn't --
-Yeah, we --

You got to start somewhere.

We like you and your mother
and your artwork.

You did great
on the social-media stuff.

-Yeah, that stuff --
-You did a really good job.

I love the jean jacket.

No one --
You don't see that anymore.

Art school for --

It's like they're in front
of the Taj Mahal.

That's fun.
-That would be a good idea.

-Yeah, you would get --
-Did really well.

If you need a reference...

Yeah.

You can all just
stop blowing me, people.

You know, I was just trying...[ Cellphone vibrates ]

Shit.
-Shit?

What does shit mean?
What shit?

Shit.
Lori just texted me.

She knows you're gone?

Et voilà.
[ Speaks French ]

-Wow.
-Aw.

-Oh, my God, that's great.
-You really are an artist.

The word is literally
in my job description.

[ Mockingly ]
Oh, artist, thank you, Dave.

Dave, you're so wonderful.

-Yours was good, too.
-Look. I am going to say

that I was
just on the front porch

getting the information
she wanted,

right?
-Yeah.

-Yeah, that's not gonna work.
-What?

Lori is on the front porch
texting, I believe.

Oh, my God.

[ Cellphone vibrates ]

Okay,
she is the last person

that can be seen
leaving our house at 3:00 a.m.

Tell me about it.
The polygamy house.

-You know, enough, okay?
-I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

-Come on, it's a long night.
-All right.

All right.
I got it.

Emma, we need
a half-empty bottle

of wine, stat.
-I can do that.

Good.
I'll have a shot of tequila.

Uh, no, you won't.

-This isn't a party.
-Okay.

This is how it's gonna go.

Dave and I had a fight.
-Yeah.

Emma and I were talking,
but she passed out.

So I'm an asshole.

And I'm a drunk.
Go -- Go on.

And I go out, spot Lori,
and decide to confide in her,

invite her, finally,
into the inner sanctum.

-That's actually brilliant.
-Yeah.

Where was I
when I wasn't in my room?

Studying?

Hooking up
with some teenaged dude.

Under the shirt,
over the bra.

Yeah.

It's a good idea.

It's a great idea,
and I love you.

Love you too.
Mm.

-Go get her.
-I don't want to go now.

Okay, hold this.
-Okay.

Careful, you know, breast milk.
Remember that.

Right?
-It's an hour to go through.

Okay. Okay.

Ava, go out the back door, okay,

and then circle around
the Wilbergs' house.

That's the easiest way back.

Yeah.
Jack, not my first rodeo.

Thank you.

Just saying, I'd --

Carmen: Okay.

Yeah. [ Sighs ]

There goes my girl.

You know, she's all the woman
I'll ever need.

-Seriously?
-Just saying.

♪♪

♪ Sailing away upon the sea

♪ Nothing but the stars
to guide me... ♪

Izzy:
It'll be fun, though, right?

We'll do a big,
sloppy hug-and-cry thing.

You'll come to Denver
for Thanksgiving,

cop all my mom's drugs.

Nina?

Neen?

♪♪

[ Sighs ]

Doesn't matter
what I say, does it?

I'm leaving you
just like that douchebag did.

Mm.
Don't worry.

I'll just fuck Andy
till I feel better.

I know, sweetie.

Hi.

Hi.

Mm-hmm. Come.

Don't go.

♪♪

[ Cellphone chiming ]

It's Ava.

It worked.

Oh, my God.
It all worked.

Shit, I got to get to work.

You got to get to work.

Come on.

-Get the fuck to work.
-Okay.

Shit.

[ Clears throat ]
What is it? Something happen?

It's about the position.

[ Sighs ]
We need to have a talk.

Uh...

[ The Lower Caves' "Anytime"
plays ]

♪ When I lose my honor

♪ And my voice runs tired

♪ You heartbreak my old ways

♪ And together we scream
like a fire ♪

♪ You don't ever have to call

♪ I will run to you anytime

♪ I will see it through

♪ You don't ever have to walk

♪ I will run to you anytime

♪ Well,
our path is an old song ♪

♪ And I sing like a ghost

♪ And I've lost a...