All language subtitles for You.Me.Her.S01E04.Check.a.Box.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP.5.1.H.264-CHDWEB_track3_[eng]

Previously on "You Me Her..."

I'm talking about
an escort.

Here's my deal -- I have
to charge you guys a premium.

It's a clearly defined
business arrangement.

Em and I are having crazy sex.

The real why I hired you is
to save my marriage actually.

I think I'm officially the chick
in this relationship.

Is that right?Why are we spying
on the Trakarskys?

We aren't spying, honey.

My wife Lori accepted a seat

on the Hamilton School
Alumni Board.

What were you doing
for three hours?

Um...

What are you doing?

Sleeping.

Well, fuck.

♪♪

♪ I know how it feels

♪ I know when it's real

♪ The time has come

♪ We're having fun

♪ We're on the move

♪ We'll keep it loose

♪ The time has come No, no, no, no, no, no.

What?♪ For everyone

-Wrong -- no, down, down, down.
-Oh, I'm sorry.

Is that it?
-Yeah, that's it.

♪♪

You can
hold this this long?

Yeah.
Lots of Pilates.

Is this working for you?

[ Both breathing heavily ]

Wow.

It feels like we gave
an orgasm to everyone

within a two-mile radius.

They must be so confused.

Yeah, holy shit.
My whole body's vibrating.

Do you think --

Do you think other people
do it like this?

I think
we just reinvented sex.

We should contact the editors
of appropriate medical journals.

I know this is gonna
sound kind of crazy,

but I kind of wish
we'd filmed it.

We were damn sexy.

Badass motherfucking sexy.

I feel like I'm shooting

pheromones off everywhere,
you know,

just like breaking windows.

What got into you?

I think it was
a ring finger,

but you would know
better than I would.

You think you're funny,
and that's --

that's so sweet.

[ Sighs ]

Can I say something that will
almost certainly extinguish

this beautiful afterglow?
-Might as well.

I think we've milked it for all
it's worth, anyway, so...

When we used to have sex, like,
before these past three days,

I always felt kind of relieved
afterwards, you know?

Like it was something
we didn't have to worry about

for another week or so.

Like we didn't have
a problem?

Yeah.

What if it's all Izzy?

It's not Izzy.

It's us.

♪♪

So things are good,
young Jackson?

Whoa, hey.
Geez.

-Yeah, things are good with me.
-Yeah?

Everything's as it was,
status quo?

Same old, same old, huh?

Nothing new in your life,
nothing exciting,

nothing, well,
unique or exotic?

You know that I know
you know, right?

-I do now, okay.
-Okay.

So, I guess that means
that Carmen wasn't yoga pooping.

I don't know
what that's supposed to mean,

but I don't like it.

-The point is, you know.
-Yeah.

I definitely know, so?
-So?

So, that's it.

Lay it on me, man. I know you
have something to say.
We don't drink coffee.

You've never invited
me for coffee once.What's wrong with a nice coffee?

There's nothing wrong with it,
but we don't do it.
Well...

It's not our thing, so I know
there's some other reason.

You have some ulterior motive.
-I think you're a fucking moron.

-There it is.
-Okay? There, I said it.

Mm-hmm.

I mean, my God.
What are you doing?

Everybody
imagines another person

when they're
with their partner, sure.

Put that in the back
of your mind,

you close your eyes, three,
four minutes, you're done.

You forget about it.
You want to actually do this?

Are you out
of your fucking mind?

This coffee is really good,
though.

-In what way, specifically?
-I don't know.

It's bold
without being bitter.

I feel like I'm tasting
something sweet.

Is it cranberry?
-Fuck you.

I'm talking --
like, why is it so crazy?

What is --
we're all consenting adults,

so what makes
the whole situation crazy?

I don't get it.
-Consenting adults?

Is that how you talk now?

What, did you just come back
from Burning Man?

This is not the Jack
and Emma that we know, okay?What does that mean?

I don't even know what that's --"Consenting adults."
Get out of here.

Who are you?
-Are you insulting us now?

Because we are still
the same people --

No, hey, let's go get you
some robes and some muumuus

and whatever velvet --
whatever you want to wear.

Cavalier attitude
towards Chlamydia.

First person
in this fucking town

to do something new
and I get shit for it.

Oh, yeah?
All of us plebeians, huh?

Just monogamous zombies
just lurching towards an abyss,

looking for brains.

"One brain.
I'm monogamous."

You put it that way.
I didn't.

You sound
a little jealous, man.

[ Scoffs ]

Jealous? You think I'm jealous
of your situation?

'Cause you get
to sleep with two women?
Yep.

You think that's a big deal
to me? I've done that before.

Big deal. I'm a little jealous,
if I'm being honest with you.

How is it? Is it amazing?
Do you do two in one day?

Do you have to, like,
wash your balls in between?

That'd be polite, right?
That's good manners.

Actually haven't done much.

I mean, we're still --
-What?

We're still trying
to figure out the ground rules.

The guidelines and stuff,
I haven't figured it out.

-What have you done?
-Not much.

We have, like,
a "no penetration" rule,

which I'm still --
-I'm sorry?

No penis or not penetration?
-I don't know.

We're still trying to figure
that out, to be honest.

But then
they can still have sex.

I know, it's kind
of unfair, right?

'Cause the vaginas --
they don't need penetration.

They just --
you know, they mush together.

All I'm saying is I need
clarification on this.

I mean, if you want
to find the G-spot,

you can't use a penis,
as far as I know.

-I've never --
-You've got to use fingers.

To be honest, I've never found
a G-spot in my fucking life.

So, is it no penis
or no penetration,

'cause if it's no penis,
you're screwed

because you can penetrate
with other things.

You don't need a penis --
fingers, tongue.

strap-ons, butt plugs,
vibrators.

-I don't know, man.
-Fruit.

Whatever's
around the house.

So, is that it?
That's all you came here to say?

Oh, okay, I'm not supposed
to be telling you this, but --

Okay.

Carmen thinks that Emma

doesn't just enjoy
your new friend's company.

Okay,
she thinks she's, like...

you know.

She's talking about her like...
[ Mumbles ]

Like, is smitten by her.
-Smitten?

-Yeah.
-She said that?

No,
that's what I'm saying.

What about you, Jack?

Are you smitten?

♪♪

Okay, I almost
don't want to know,

but are you planning
on doing something

weird with the raisins,
or...

No.
God, no.

Well, then
why are you picking them out?

Because I enjoy the essence
left behind by the raisins

far more than the raisins
themselves.
Hmm.

Like how memories are often
better than what actually was?

Yeah, okay, sure.
Make it a thing, Sigmund.

[ Cellphone vibrating,
ringing ]

Hmm.

I'm gonna take a leap here

and guess that Randy
isn't really good

at fixing stuff,
but that Randy's into hands.

-Mm-hmm.
-Mmm.

Well, my hands
because they're adorable.

Yeah, those are, like, weird,
freaky kid hands.

[ High-pitched voice ]
Hi, I'm Izzy.

-Uh-huh. Okay, that's enough.
-I have baby hands.

[ Normal voice ]
Yeah, yeah, put them away.

Okay, why -- why are you
blowing him off?

You didn't have time
for a mani?

Being a little rough
on the handyman, aren't you?

Mm.

Oh, sorry.
I forgot.

You're on call
for the Griswolds.

Well, you know, I had my date
with Emma last night.

We were on the rooftop

of the tallest building
in Yamhill.

It was pretty awesome.
-Okay, no.

No, that is not a session.

That's like a fucking
lesbian romance novel.

Okay.
Let me just get this straight.

So, in your damaged mind,

letting a guy lick my dirty,
sticky hands is A-okay,

but having
a toss-and-tumble

on a rooftop is just,
like, inexplicable --

You're falling
for a married woman.

You're, like,
mooning over selfies

of the two of you,
so yes, dipshit,

that is much, much worse.
-Okay.

May I remind you
that it is a program, you know?

A finite
business arrangement

that we agreed upon like adults.
-No, no.

You are playing
with matches, young lady,

and you might just burn down
a real-life marriage.
Wow.

Well, you're being the voice
of reason,

and that is
fucking terrifying.

What do you think
is gonna happen here?

I mean, just give me like --
I don't know.

Give me, like, two seconds
of relative lucidity and tell me

how this ends without somebody
getting seriously hurt.

Most likely you.

Well, you've ruined my morning,
so, thank you.

♪♪

[ Cellphone chimes ]

[ Knock on door ]

Hey.

'Sup, Jack?

Ava, come on.
Seriously.

How many times --
It's Mr. Trakarsky, okay?
Hmm.

Here and everywhere else.
It's actually Dr. Trakarsky.Mm-hmm.

Do you see --
but I'm not pretentious.

So Mr. Trakarsky --
-No, you know, Dean Trakarsky.

-Well, maybe.
-Yeah?

You know, hello, Berkeley.

-No.
-I'm Ava.

No, you're not gonna get
any preferential treatment
if that's what you think, okay?

If you want to go to Berkeley,
you got to do what everybody
else does.

So who is that chick
who got dropped off

at your house
two nights ago?

Hmm?

Um...

The...

Earth to neighbor dude.

-No, what?
-Hmm?

It'd be -- which...

Dropped by around 7:00?

Like, the cleaning lady,
or...

Why are you
being so weird?

Your "Lolita"
act is not going over well

on me or anyone else.

I'm just intoxicated
with my newly discovered power.

-Ow, that is --
-[ Chuckles ]

I'm basically a monkey
with a gun.

Monkey with a gun.
What is that?

Is that from your shrink?

So, enough about me, hmm?

Who was the chick?

Why do I have
to tell you that?

And why
don't you want to?

-Because -- well, there's --
-Mm-hmm.

Okay, she was my --
she's my niece.

There.
Simple as that.

-Hmm.
-She's Jackie.

Is everyone in your family
named some derivative of Jack?

Not -- no, I mean,
there's -- there's several of us

because I had
a great-grand --

We had a great-grandfather
named Jack

who was like pretty much
most important,

you know, in the family.

He was very well-regarded
in the community.

Like a prominent --
-So.

You have a niece...
in her 20s.

Wow.
[ Chuckles ]

You must be old as shit.

Come on.
Again with the language.

[ Sighs ] God.

I have an older sister.

She's 11 years old than me,
and she --Wow.

She has a daughter
who's my niece.

And she just transferred
to Griffin, so she's
new in town.

So you haven't seen her, but
I have 'cause she's my niece.

-Mm.
-And she came over.

She stopped by for a visit.
-For, like, an hour.

I don't know how long it was.
I wasn't -- I wasn't timing it.

Whatever.
Mm.

My mom thinks you guys
are weird, so...

Wait, what?
Your mom thinks we're weird?

You know,
it's probably spite.

Lori's big on the spite.

Why would she have any spite
towards me?

Neighborhoods are a lot
like high school.

You cool kids don't hang out
with her or Paul very often.

You call both your parents
by the first names, as well?

Yeah,
they totally hate it.

[ Chuckles ]

Yeah, and your mom's now
on the alumni board, right?

I know.

Eek, right?

Eek.

Let me guess.
You're nervous as hell, right?

I was a mess
all day yesterday.

We have a serious
fucking Lori problem.

-A Lori problem?
-Yes.

Ava just asked who that "chick"
was at our house.

Apparently both she and Lori
saw Izzy get dropped off

and then leave within,
like, an hour,

which is pretty fucking
hard to explain.

Ava's 16, Jack.

Oh, yeah, you just keep telling
yourself that, okay?

Oh, God, you know, I usually
tell this to my kids,

but I think it applies
to our situation now.

And that is, you know,

maybe we should get off
the train tracks

before the train
runs us over.

So, you think Ava
and Lori assume

a young woman
visiting our house

automatically means
we're having a three-way?

I -- I told her
she was my niece,

Val's daughter.
-Well, did she buy it?

God, I hope so.

By the way,
Lori is pissed at us.

She thinks we leave her
out of stuff, apparently.

Lori, who is now, you know,

ON THE ALUMNI BOARD.
-Babe.

Babe,
just take a breath.

Take a breath.
Breathe.

I am trying, Em,
but I need this.

I want to be Dean
of this place -- of Hamilton.Of course you do.

I mean, if I get
to be Dean of Hamilton,
then the sky's the limit.

I MEAN, I CAN BE DEAN
OF GRIFFIN COLLEGE OR

Lewis & Clark or something,
as long as I don't blow this.

OKAY, OKAY.
I GET IT.

Izzy can't come
to the house anymore.

Out of sight, out of mind.
-Okay, honey.

Love you very much. Lori.
-Jack.

-Hi.
-Hi, oh, okay.

-Hey, Lori.
-That's a first.

No, I just --
I'm starting

my ass-kissing campaign
a little early.

Right.

-Because you're -- yeah.
-Everything okay?

You seem a little agitated.
-Good.

No. No, no.
-Oh.

We were just talking about --
we're gonna have a little soiree

with everyone
in the neighborhood --

you and Paul, of course,
Carmen and Dave.

I'm gonna buy
some steaks.

That's what we were talking
about, 'cause you love steak.

And you like steak, right?
-Yeah.

-Yeah.
-And beers. You know how it is.

Well, actually, no,
because you never include us.

Yes, we -- We have.

-No, not once.
-Have --

-Didn't we --
-Never been to your house.

Um, that's the thing.
We haven't had many.

That's why we're talking
about it --

to have --
we have a lot of people

we have to repay
in the neighborhood, and --[ Cellphone chimes ]

Uh, I have an alumni board
meeting, so...

-Yeah. Yeah.
-Okay.

-So, it's -- no, we're gonna --
-What? I -- that's --

No, two is cra--
what are we, European?

[ Both chuckle ]

Jack.

You do know I was kidding about
the kissing up thing, right?

Yeah.
The stick's not
quite as far up my ass

as Carmen and Emma
seem to think it is.
No, no.

-They don't think that.
-Well...

No, no, they never --
they really enjoy you.

We all do.
And Paul, too.

Send my love to him
once you're -- can you --

Oh, my God?
What the fuck was doing?

♪♪

Carmen: Hey, does standing
in line for 20 minutes

to pay 9 bucks
for a bottle of green juice

that tastes like dirt
make us fucking idiots?

-Mine was $11.
-Mm.

-Everything okay?
-Mm-hmm.

That was rhetorical,
by the way.

I absolutely know
it isn't.

Mm.
Jack's panicking.

I mean, but that's
what Jack does, right?

He -- he panics.
-Let me guess.

Something
to do with the 20-something

you've invited
into your marriage

and the power-hungry
neighbor

recently appointed
to a governing body

that will determine your
husband's professional fate?

-How do you do that?
-Well, I'd tell you,

but you'd have to meet
me and the others

in the woods at midnight
with a decapitated cat.

Gross.

You know, Jack panics.

It's what he does, right?

Yeah.

♪♪

Nina: So, I have a meeting
with Professor Lawrence

and I'm pretty sure
that he wants to bone me.

You're hot and 25
and he's 60

and smells like patchouli
and forgotten dreams.

Shocker.
-Yeah, I know.

But it helps
my underlying insecurity

to say it out loud,
like a mantra.

Everybody wants
to bone me.

Everybody wants
to bone me.

Everybody wants to bone
Nina Martone.

I think
I might really like Andy.

And I only have five minutes
to convince him

to have pizza with me
before I have to figure out

what the hell I'm gonna wear
on my date with Jack, so...

Uh, okay.
What?

Pizza
is totally platonic.

Everybody knows that.

Are you trying
to trick me

into thinking we've been
having a conversation?

No, I am offering to buy you
lunch at Slice on Fifth.

We can talk it out.

Just say yes.

1:00.
Please.

I like you.

[ Chuckles ]
You like me?

What? I don't know
how else to say it.

Well, maybe you could give,
like, Nina a note

with boxes to check.

"Do you like me back?
Yes or No."

So, which is it?

You do not want me to make
this easier for you, Iz.

Three months
of broken dates,

sloppy 2:00 A.M.
booty calls.

Listen.
L-look at me.

You realize
this is the first time

you've ever looked me in the eye
and said, "I like you."

So, would you categorize me
as emotionally unavailable?

Check a box.

[ Clicks tongue ]

Well, which box is it?

I think you know.

Come on.

One hour of your time
over pizza.

Yes or No.

I guess you'll find out.

[ Sighs ]

♪♪

Do you mind if I real-talk
to you for a second?

It's so nice of you
to pretend I have a choice.

You keep up
with this stupid shit,

you're gonna wake up
years from now alone,

your tits on your belly,
thinking,

"Where did
my awesome life go?"

Just to be clear,
are my saggy tits

having the epiphany, or...
-Grammar, really?

You're seriously struggling
with this right now?

-Yes.
-You're married.

Who are you?

Help me, Carmen.

I-I can't be trusted
to make good choices right now.

Just tell me what to do.

Okay, so that's called
a phone.

You want to tap on the little
icon labeled "Contacts."

Scroll down to the I's.

Narrow your search
until you arrive at "Izzy."

[ Sighs ]

All you got
to do is tell her it's over

and she can keep the money.

You got to do what's best
for your marriage.

Right.
Simple -- so simple.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

I can do it.
Geez.

I am gonna count to 10.

And then
I'm gonna take your phone

and I'm gonna call
Little Miss Footjob myself.

Don't even try to run

because I will catch you
without breaking a sweat.

You know I'm right.

God damn it.

[ TV playing]

Uh, maybe because you didn't
invite her to

your poker luau
last episode, you cunt-tard.

[ Knock on door ]

[ Coughing ]

What the fuck?
Aah!

Are you seriously
just standing there

watching me
through the peephole?

You can't just drop by.

You just dropped by our house
unannounced like 36 hours ago,

so I think -- can you just
open the door, please?

Um...

Uh, just give me
a minute!

Um...

I'm not --
I'm not dressed.

How can you not be dressed?
It's, like, 12:30.

I was dressed.
Now I'm not.

And soon I will be again.
Do you have a problem with that?

Why would you
even bother to --

You know what?
Never mind.

Can I --
I guess so.

Sorry, the, uh, housekeeper's
on vacation.

Well, it's --
Let me guess.

Is it three weeks
of dirty laundry,

some medical weed,

and maybe
five expired food items?

Hmm. Could I offer you
some espresso?

-Yeah, I would love some.
-Yeah?

I'm just fucking with you.

Do you honestly think
I have an espresso maker?

Okay, Fred,
so what are you doing here?

Um, well,
Emma and I have been tal--

We had a discussion
this morning,

and it turns out we won't be
requiring your services anymore.

-I see.
-Yeah.

I mean, I think we achieved
the desired results, right?

We're not asking for refund
or anything, so I know this --

Okay, so this is
where I call bullshit.

Oh, really?
How so?

Well, first of all,
you're acting super weird,

and part of what you're saying
is Grade-A bullshit.

Which part?

-The Emma part.
-What was the -- Emma?

I don't even know what that --
what's the Emma part?

Yeah.

What are you -- No.
What are you doing?

I'm just giving Emma
a quick call.

No, you're not. Please.
Okay, fine. It's me, okay?

-It's me. Yeah.
-That's what I thought.

I'm the one that's canceling
this. It's over.

It's -- I'm terminating
the relationship, okay?

And please do not call
my wife again.

And do not answer any messages
from her, okay?

Oh, said the misogynistic
dickface.

What, we're gonna call
each other names now?

Is that what's happening?
-You know what?

I'm going to consider this
evening's appointment canceled,

and whatever the rest of us
consenting adults

choose to do
is entirely up to us.

I'm the only one
being an adult here.

You're the only adult?
Is that right?

-Yeah.
-Okay.

So I'm gonna ask you
a question, Jack.

How long after we
terminate the agreement

before you call me
on your own, hmm?

Not going to.

Want to make a bet?

Mm-hmm.

I say two weeks, max.

Sure.

Don't do that.
-Don't what?

-Don't do that.
-Don't do what?

You think
you're irresistible?

Don't you?

Oh, you don't think about me?
-Okay.

Fine, you win.

♪♪

♪ Baby's in the back

♪ Baby's in the back

♪ My baby's making gravy
'cause I'm off my back ♪

♪ Yeah, Susie's on the bar Ow, fuck.

Is that okay?
-That's fine, that's fine.

Stop talking.

♪ When she hears
me play guitar ♪

♪ All right, unh

Does this count as our date?

-What?
-Does this count as a date?

No.
God, stop talking.

You're so fucking chatty.

♪ Jimmy changed his name

♪ Well, Jimmy had to change it
because nobody came ♪

♪ He'll write and sing a song

♪ Write and sing a song Okay, I want you so bad.

Maybe I
should terminate you.

♪ Well, don't jump the gun

You're a horrible person.
You know that?

I thought
I was irresistible.

♪ Oh, it's gone

♪ Oh, yeah

♪ Yeah, oh

What the fuck?

What the fuck?

Fucking kidding me?

Izzy, my grandma's
antique lamp?

I'm sorry, Nina.
Um, I'll get that fixed.

Damn fucking right,
you will.

Who the hell is that?

Is he a client?
He better not be a client

Because you know that's
breaking rule number one --

never let clients know
where we live.

Oh.
Oh, holy shit.

That's Clark Griswold,
isn't it?

Clark Griswold
is a fictional character

played by Chevy Chase
in a 1980s feature film.

Just stop.
Yes, it -- Yes, it's him.

[ Sighs ]
Okay, so I'm gonna ask.

Is Mr. Griswold here a client,
or is he something else?

Um...

♪ Something's happening to me

♪ Something's happening to me

♪ Ooh, something's
happening to me ♪

♪ How I feel myself changing

♪♪

♪ And facing

♪ What I want, what I want,
what I want, what I want, yeah ♪

♪♪

♪ I tried to stick around
I want to multiply ♪

♪ The only reason why
I won't go stagnant ♪

♪ Shaking left to right,
glowing inside ♪

♪ To the beat, to the love
to the crush ♪

♪ So it's time to say goodbye

♪ How we never stuck anyway