All language subtitles for You.Me.Her.S01E03.No.Penetration.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP.5.1.H.264-CHDWEB_track3_[eng]

Previously on You, Me, Her...

You do it with someone
you don't know--

someone who doesn't laugh
when you get your sexy on.

I'm talking about an escort.

Jack Trakarsky.

I'm Izzy Silva.

I met Izzy today.

We made out.

After she gave me a foot job
under the table.

I kind of feel like
I'm dangling my marriage

out a 10-storey window
right now.

Weinstock is retiring as Dean.

He's recommending me
as his replacement.

Izzy's an escort.

You don't have to end things.

You just don't call them again.

Mom! What are you doing?

[knocking]

-So, hi,
-[Emma]: Hi.

Hi.

[♪♪♪]

I can't feel my hands,

or my feet,
or the top of my head.

Do I smell baked goods?

Does that mean
I'm having a stroke?

It's a candle.

"Pumpkin Spice."

A stroke is burnt toast.

That's good to know,
thank you.

[sighs]

Just the three of us here,
now, first time, together,

in close proximity.

Kinda...

kinda takes it
to the next level.

Yeah. Um...

I sprinted away

from a date
with an amazing guy,

cyber-stalked your home address,

and just barely escaped

the warning screams
of my inner critic.

This is nice here.

I like your house.

We were just
talking about you,

literally two seconds

before you knocked
on the door.

It's, like, strange.

That's so sweet.

And weird.

So how long

am I gonna be chained up
in your basement?

I'm mostly free
until midterms in December, so.

[laughs]

She does that.

Well, you know, Jack's made
it real cozy down there.

Fridge, mini-bar, couch.

Good. I'm in.

[Jack]: We have
Quaaludes down there

which will erode
your sense of time,

if that's your thing.

This is so not us.

We've never done
anything like this before.

Haven't dusted off that line
since college.

Honey, you used
that line on me.

Don't-- Don't obsess.

Man, I am really nervous.

Is my voice as shaky
as it sounds in my head?

Did someone mention Quaaludes?

Yeah, I was joking.

Oh, sorry.

Yeah, we don't--

we don't have
any sedatives.

We have a lot
of good wine.

Yeah, a case of wine

that we got at this
fantastic little vineyard.

It was beautiful.

In Northern California.

It's perfect--

We should really go.

We had a really
nice time there.

We kind of have
some of that.

It's delicious.
Made of grapes.

Yes.

All right, let's pop
some corks, dickheads.

Do we look like dickheads?

I think she meant
that affectionately.

This should do.

-Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
-Not those.

[Emma]: They're not
really for drinking.

They're for show.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[Emma]: Well, I'd summarize it
like this--

we, that is, Jack and I,

have crossed a threshold

into a unique
marital dimension--

Speaking of talking
like we're high--

Oh, when I get
just the right combination

of nervous and inebriated,

I get grandiloquent
and orotund

and I use words
that nobody uses,

and then I try
and negate it

with a disarming
self-awareness--

Um, after that,

I have to insist.

This is a gentle,
well-intentioned Indica.

Indi-what?

Indica.

No minds will be blown.

The best kind of pot
you can find.

Oh, it's weed?

[♪♪♪]

If you were to create
"A Good Guy" in a lab...

that's what I left
on a barstool.

How fucked up is that?

Should we talk about
your obvious commitment issues?

Shall we revisit
what I told you last time?

Blow me?

[laughs]

Why do we talk about Izzy
all the time?

Why did she impulsively
come over?

Why are we doing
whatever it is we're doing?

Why, why, why, why...

why?

The house of why.

[hiccups]

You got the hiccups?

I get stoned
super easy these days.

Have you noticed?

I keep replaying
what happened in that bar.

I pleasured myself at my desk,
thinking of you.

You didn't? You didn't?

I did.

Emma...

We both masturbated
at our respective workplaces.

You didn't?

And now we're sitting here
in our living room telling you.

This isn't
weird at all.

[Emma]: Are you freaked out?

You must be so freaked out.

You can run.
We won't tackle you.

No. No, no, no.

I am-- I am way too insecure

to feel anything but flattered

that anybody would
jack off to me.

Guys, I need you
to know

that I, like, have done nothing
but think about you.

I have tried
to wash it away

with-- with booze

and-- and cleaning products,

but you guys
are stubborn.

Like a stain.

Like a...
like a beautiful stain.

Very handsome...

handsome...

stain.

Yeah, but we agree that this is
a business arrangement, right?

Yeah. Of course.

Abso-fucking-lutely.

Yeah. Rent doesn't pay itself.

[Jack]: She's like
our mutual hall pass.

[Emma]: Yeah.

Yeah, we each get
two sessions a week with her?

I mean-- I mean, you.

Thank you for remembering

that I'm both present
and a human being.

We could just book her
for the whole month

and then we can revisit it...

Yeah.

...at that point.

Okay, so...

here's my deal--

I'm probably gonna be
shutting down a lot of regulars,

I'll probably lose a few,

so I'm gonna have to
charge you guys a premium.

Oh, and I'm gonna have to
get you guys

to pay the month in advance

to hold Mondays
through Thursdays,

'cause weekends are for
non-paying relationships only.

We good?

I'm good.
You good, Em?

Yeah, but we agree

that the intimacy is, like,
non-penetrationable, right?

Okay, so if that's that,

does anyone want to write up
a formal contract,

or will a spirited round of
businessman handshakes suffice?

[text alert sounds]

There's my ride at the corner,
so I'm gonna fly.

Mr. Trakarsky.

Mrs. Trakarsky.

It's been a fucking slice.

Did she leave?

Yeah.

She took the weed.

[♪♪♪]

I know I started it,

but I really think
we got too business-ey

with Izzy last night.

Objectified her.
Hurt her feelings.

Honey, she is an escort

and we are her clients,

so the whole situation

is inherently business-ey.

I just think we need to set
clear boundaries, you know,

and make sure this whole thing
doesn't spin out of control.

You mean so one of us

doesn't develop feelings
for another?

Maybe.

Has one of us already developed
feelings for another?

No.

I saw those googly eyes
you were giving her last night.

Googly eyes?

Those are my stoned eyes.

I totally know the difference,
and those were googly eyes.

I know your stoned eyes.

I'm telling you,

all throughout college,

people were like,
"Hey, are you hitting on me?"

I was like, "No, I'm just
super high over here."

-That is not true.
-It is true.

I don't believe that.

Were they red?
Like, very reddish? But squinty?

I know your googly eyes.

That's not it, okay,
so stop saying it.

I don't know why
I have to defend myself.

I just think it's better
for all of us

if we have it

as a clearly defined
business arrangement, okay?

Payment for services rendered.

Okay.

Right.

So how do we decide
who gets her first?

-Ew.
-Yeah.

Ew. That
sounded bad.

I just grossed myself out.

Just flip a coin?

Rock-paper-scissors?

You know what?
I'm just gonna go first.

How is that fair?

Ladies first.

There's two ladies
in this situation.

That's unfair.
I will never get to go first.

Like, ever.

Once every
three times, I guess,

but... that's not enough.

Should be 50/50.
We should--

Ladies...
Oh, my. Hello.

Is this...

Uh-huh.

Oh, my God.
[chuckles]

So we have a deal?

I get to go first?

Mm-hmm.

You promise?

No.

Should I stop?

Is this how we're gonna
decide things from now on?

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Do you like it?

I do, but I feel like
I'm being short-sighted.

Stupid penis.

[clock tower chiming]

[professor]: Through the use
of rational thought.

But with sensory memory,

the brain is designed

only to process information

that will be useful
at a later date.

Psst!

Sorry. Sorry.

You could meet me halfway
and move your legs, dickface?

Hi.

I'm in class dressed like
a horny WNBA player.

You could at least ask.

Kinda tells
its own story, man.

I had to Google an hour's worth
of basketball jargon.

In case it, like, ever comes up,

there really isn't

an hour's worth
of basketball jargon,

so I just started,
like, making shit up.

Yeah.

Hey, can I borrow your notes?

All yours.

What have you been doing
for the last 34 minutes?

I honestly have no idea.

I'm gonna need your notes, Stan.
Two copies, bring 'em tomorrow?

Sure. Absolutely.

It's Kyle, by the way.

But Stan works. Yeah.

I can be Stan.

Don't worry.
Ken's got it.

He just told you
his name was Dan.

What?

Kyle.

-Kyle.
-Kyle?

[♪♪♪]

Sorry I'm late, Frank.

College essays.

My God, is it possible

for every kid
who has under a three-five

to have ADHD

and multiple deaths
in the family?

I miss the days

when you still felt obligated
to kiss my ass and call me Dean.

You're in
my fucking chair, Dean.

Kiss my ass, Jack.

Got it.

I'm not even officially
retired yet,

and I'm already
bored to fucking death.

Hey,

Now that I don't have to worry
about testing,

I'm really into the idea
of trying out the new drugs.

How does one "roll"?

Wait. We have drug testing?

Technically.

I can't remember
the last one.

Okay, so the Alumni Board
has all your records,

they meet to discuss on Monday.

Hey, can they really track
my browser history?

Like you were--

'cause that seems...

That seems un... un... like...

Amer-- unethical or something.

Or un-something.
It's un-something.

This is Hamilton, Jack,
so, yeah, they're gonna dig...

but seriously,
you do use Incognito Mode?

What's "Incognito Mode"?

Oh, boy.

[♪♪♪]

[Carmen]: Hmm...
what would I wear

on a first date

with a female

grad-student-
slash-escort

I'm sharing
with my husband?

[Emma]: Keep trying
to be funny.

It's irritating,
but it distracts me.

I'm so nervous,

I couldn't go
this morning.

I feel like
I'm pregnant.

I have a poo baby.

Do you and Jack talk a lot
about your digestive issues?

Because you should know
the rest of us don't.

See, for example,

I don't need to know

whether you pooped or not
on any given day.

What about this one?

Hot. Yeah.

If I were
an underage groupie

with deep-seated
self-esteem issues,

I'd buy out
the whole shop.

Yeah, let's go throw back
some Jaeger shots

and go
to a "Modest Mouse" show, dude.

God, even your young-chick
references are old.

Hey...

How about that?

Help me.
Help me, help me, help me.

Oh, chill.

I'm sure lezzing
is just like riding a bike.

It'll come back to you.

I haven't ridden
a bike in so long.

Listen, you wear that,
I will totally lezinate you.

Okay, you can stop
trying to create

different permutations
of the word "lez" now.

Wait a second--
are we vibrating?

Is that how
lezitation works?

It's my phone, jackass.

-Aw... Izzy.
-Dear God.

Are you 13?
Just got your period?

You're jealous, asshole.

[♪♪♪]

Retro fitness.
I respect that.

Fem Fit says this chick
nailed it way back when.

Everything you need
in 15 minutes.

Do you know where
my vape is?

I'm getting
super stressed

by my date
with Emma.

So they're getting

some freaky version
of sex therapy,

but what're you getting
out of it?

Uh, 16 sessions
paid upfront?

It's on the table, Dingdong.

Fem Fit also says

habitual pot use

causes degenerative
ocular disease.

Jesus, Fem Fit--

your guide
to a joyless fucking life.

Should I wear these?

-No.
-Why not?

Just don't.

My God, I'm so nervous.

I haven't been
on a first date since...

not since you.

I'm not sure
if you're ready for this,

to be honest.

I think
I should probably go first.

Yeah?

Yeah, I think
that's probably best.

Really?

No. Not really.

Why do you make me go there?

I hate the Matherfields!

They play
all those stupid games and...

Well, one of us
has to be there on time.

Carmen said that Lori is making
a special announcement.

I'll be, like,
an hour late.

Wow, this is--

I think that
might be

actually too hot.

I think you might burn corneas.

Ooh, that is--
that is good.

Okay.

What--
why are we stopping?

Because I want you
to ravage me later.

I mean, that's the plan,
isn't it?

I guess so.

[♪♪♪]

-Hey.
-Hi.

You look really nice.

Thank you.
So do you.

Thank. I...
Thanks.

I think that...

I think we should
be able to get in soon, yeah.

I'm scared shitless.

Are you scared shitless?

Yeah.

I could order, but there's
no way in hell I could eat.

Me too. Good.

I could drink.

Me too. Always.

I have an idea.

I...

It's a fucking game,

so who the fuck gives
a shit about these games?

I love these games.
What are you talking about?

What is with you tonight?
You seem very stressed.

It's Emma.

She's doing dinner
with a colleague,

and she's supposed
to be done by now, that's all.

That's what's stressing you
out so much?

You check your phone, like,
every two seconds.

Yeah, that's it.

Okay. You want to play?

Can we play
the game now?

I'd love
to play, okay.

-Okay, I'll go first.
-Okay. Ready?

[singing, like Marilyn Monroe]:
♪ Happy Birthday...

♪ Mr. President

Too easy.

I don't--
I don't know.

♪ Happy Birthday...

Whoa.

Oh, you're like
a sexy baby?

♪ ...Mr. President...

I don't know.
Barack Obama.

Are you joking?

No, I have no idea.

You're sexy.

♪ Mr. President...

Happy Birthday, Mr. President?
What is that?

The dress is coming up. Whoo!

You're riding a pony?

Hah! Oh!

A diaper.
You're wearing a diaper?

-No.
-I feel like I'm getting close.

-Hot damn.
-Yeah?

Literally, that's what
it's called.

Oh, my God.

[gags]

That just totally
exfoliated my mouth.

I loved it.

I should have got two.

Are you insinuating
I drink too much?

No, I...

'Cause I totally do.

I'm not exactly
working on it,

but I'm thinking
about working on it

in the near future, I think,
maybe, I don't know.

Hot fucking damn.

I know a place.

A hotel?

Better.

Isn't it delicious?

Shirley Temple.
Shirley Temple.

-Are you joking with me?
-No.

You're the only person in
the world who doesn't know this.

Well, can you give me
something else to work with?

Give him another clue.

I'm not giving him another clue.

What are you, refusing clues?

Say it.

I don't know what it is.

[clinking of glasses]

You're an idiot.

First, thank you all for coming,

but more importantly,

I'm proud to announce

that my beautiful
and brilliant wife, Lori...

has just accepted a seat

on the prestigious
Hamilton School Alumni Board!

Thank you.
Thank you all.

You're so kind.

Rest assured

I take my new position
very seriously.

Okay, enough about me.

I want you to enjoy
the rest of the party.

And, oh, we have devised

an entirely new game

that I think you all

are going to be
quite entertained by.

More games?

Okay, party!

Party time!
Come on!

Thank you!

-So...
-There she is.

How much ass-kissing

can you squeeze
into three days,

Assistant Dean Trakarsky?

Congratulations,
by the way.

Thank you!

More Chardonnay, madame?

Oh, definitely.

[Izzy]: What?

This is fucking amazing.

[Emma]: Told you.

[Izzy]: You did good.

-[Emma]: You like it?
-[Izzy]: Yeah].

[Emma]: Good.

Nice, huh?

I was awake
for hours last night

thinking about

a married couple
in Hawthorne Heights

sleeping in bed
together without me.

Oh, fuck.
Did I scare you?

No, no, no.

Hold on.
Just stay there.

-Okay.
-Stay there.

[Izzy]: So I did
a lot of homework,

watched a lot of highly,
highly disturbing videos,

featuring a vast array
of vegetables.

It was...
It was very upsetting.

I think I saw a gourd,

or it could have been
an eggplant,

like a large one,

I don't know.

Anyways, I didn't learn much.

Please tell me there are
no vegetables in there.

Oh, my God,
your laugh makes me so nervous.

I could be sick.

But in a good way.

You're so fucking beautiful.

Lyric? Really?

That's what
you came up with?

[♪♪♪]

[Emma]: I've carried
mounds of shame

for 16 years now.

"Mounds of Shame"

is absolutely the name
of my next band.

You've been in bands?

Did that turn you on?

You okay?

[♪♪♪]

I love your eyes.

They're, like, doe eyes,

but you probably hear that
a million times.

No, I've never
heard that before.

Yeah, I bet every dude
says that to you.

[♪♪♪]

Your lips are so soft.

It feels so weird to--
You don't have a beard.

Yeah, not yet
at least.

[♪♪♪]

The beauty mark
on your right cheek

is the first thing that made me
just go crazy for you.

[Emma]: I used to try
and scratch it off.

[Izzy]: That's dumb.

Don't try to scratch it off.

Okay. I won't.

Shh. I think we just broke
the no penetration rule.

[♪♪♪]

[snoring]

Okay, nobody
this side of Bedrock

snores like that.

Let's get this stink bomb
out of here.

Yes.

Look at you.

Let the ravaging begin.

Babe...

I swear, if I come
one more time,

I think I'll dry up
and blow away.

I'm so tired.

You serious?

Mm-hmm.

What the hell?

How many orgasms
are we talking about?

I thought we had
a no orgasm rule.

I just thought
we were, like...

we were...

this whole thing was
so that we would bring it--

We are doing this for us.

Well, doesn't look like
I'm getting anything out of it,

at this point.

What were you doing
for three hours?

Um, I don't know,
we walked and talked,

and we drank.

And we went to the roof.

Which roof?

Are you talking about our roof?

You took her to our roof?

Oh, my God.

I'm sorry.

Oh, my God.

-Fuck.
-Are you okay?

No.

Am I okay?

How could you--

There's a fucking million places
you could have taken her--

you took her there?

It sounds
so romantic.

Babe, it's just new.

It's a little confusing.

I'll say.
I am confused.

Very confused about what, like--

What about with Izzy,
like, in particular?

Is that
something else?

Izzy?

Yes.

Um...

That...

That is...

That is a lot confusing.

We promised we'd be
honest, right?

-Yeah...
-We have to be honest.

I know, It's just
seeing you like this

is freaking me out a bit.

I'm being honest.
That's my honesty.

Let's bring on
the honesty.

It's really--
it's really working for me.

Maybe a little jealousy's
good for both of us.

Maybe.

Hey...

you going to go to bed
like that?

Yes.

-You are?
-Yes.

For real?

I'm going to bed angry,

'cause this is...

I'm going to have a million
orgasms on my date,

I can't wait.

-You are?
-Yeah.

What are you going
to do on your date?

-Come on every rooftop--
-Every rooftop?

[giggling]

Stop it.
I'm trying to be angry.

-It's going to be raining--
-I'm trying to be angry.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Iz, can I--

What are you doing?

Sleeping.

No, you're not.

Yeah, I was.

Well, fuck.

♪ My friends say I'm caught up
in fairy tales and dreams ♪

♪ And I confess with you
it feels like make-believe ♪

♪ 'Cause you're a fantasy

♪ You're just a fantasy, yeah

♪ You're just a fantasy
Darling, to me ♪

♪ Do I really think
I see you in the moonlight? ♪

♪ Really wanna hold you
'cause it feels right ♪